5 Ways Wives Unwittingly Disrespect Their Husbands
From PEACEFULWIFE:
You are about to get a sneak peek into the mind of one husband and the very different ways that men and women can look at the same situations and how different our unspoken expectations can be that might create conflict.
The purpose of this blog is to help wives to learn to honor God by learning to respect their husbands and to cooperate with their husbands’ God-given leadership (God’s design for marriage is found in Ephesians 5:22-33). God’s definition of leadership is about the leader living in total submission to Christ and about humility, selflessness, unconditional love, protection, and provision for those under their care. I only address wives on this blog – for more information for husbands, this author’s blog is available, or www.brentriggs.com (he gives very biblical advice to men and women) and, men can check out my husband’s blog, http://www.peacefulhusband.com. And do please keep in mind that God commands husbands to honor their wives and treat them with respect, as well (I Peter 3:7) and treating others with respect, dignity, and worth is part of the agape love with which all believers are to love all other people (1 Cor. 13:4-8).
Respecting our men is a VERY counter-cultural and counter-intuitive approach for most women. We don’t naturally think, speak or act in respectful ways – we are usually thinking about being loving, not being respectful – especially in our culture today. Unfortunately, much of what we think is loving, comes across as disrespectful to our men. And much of what they think is respectful, comes across as unloving to us. And we sometimes unintentionally communicate a lot of disrespect to our men, and then we don’t know why our men get angry or unplug from us. But God created men to need respect even more than they need love, so we are wise to learn all we can about this subject! (Ephesians 5:22-33)
First, we have to learn what disrespect looks like to them – and it is a surprisingly LONG list! For more husbands’ comments about what is disrespectful to them – read here.
Then, we can learn what respect looks like to our men and replace our disrespect with respect. For more about what is respectful, check out this post!
When our men feel respected, honored, admired and trusted – they will almost always respond (eventually) by being loving, selfless, kind, generous and servant-hearted. Now, if a man has felt very disrespected for years, it will probably take months or even years for him to begin to trust that his wife has, indeed, changed and that he is safe again. So this is a LONG term commitment to show respect to our men, really, out of reverence for God and a desire to obey His Word primarily – not to try to change our men. They need our acceptance, our grace, our faith – and to do that, our strength, joy and purpose must be in Christ alone!
This is a guest post by Daniel Robertson. He writes about Christian marriage advice over at God’s Help For Marriage. He also has a free report available for download: “The 7 Pillars of A Godly Marriage”.
HUSBANDS DESIRE RESPECT
Ladies, your husband thrives on respect. Without it, he can’t be fully confident in the relationship. It is just as important to him as feeling loved is to you. When he feels that you respect him he is strong and confident.
SOME WAYS WIVES UNKNOWINGLY MAY SHOW DISRESPECT TO THEIR MEN
But it can be so easy to do something that feels disrespectful to him. Many times you might not even have a clue what you’ve done wrong. You can just see it in his deflated expression. Could it be that you’ve made one of these 5 respect mistakes? (each husband will have his own personal list – it might be a great conversation starter to ask your husband his feelings on these issues! – Peacefulwife):
- You act like his mommy: This is a common mistake that almost every wife makes. You want to help him, but in the process you treat him like a child. You remind him to brush his teeth or put deodorant on. You set his clothes out for him before bed. You wipe a smudge of food off his face with a napkin you spit on. But guess what? Your husband didn’t marry you to get a new mommy, he married you to get a partner. He needs you to support him without making him feel incompetent to handle his own affairs.
- You undermine his decisions: You tell your husband you want him to lead, but every time he tries you end up questioning him or going against him. He sets his foot down but you find sneaky ways to get around it. He doesn’t want a certain TV show on in his house but you argue about how it’s not so bad and watch it anyway. Let your husband lead already! Nothing communicates disrespect like when you put up a fight against his every decision.
- You take over with the kids: Your husband is trying to discipline or instruct the kids and you just have to step in and take over. Unless your husband is being dangerous, there is no need for this. He is perfectly capable of handling them.
- You answer questions for him: When someone directs a question at your husband he is fully capable of answering for himself. He doesn’t need you to interject with what you think his answer is. In fact, you might learn something new about your husband’s thoughts if you let him speak for himself.
- You don’t consult him on major decisions: Marriage is a partnership. Do you tend make major decisions without checking with your husband first? Where to go for the holidays or how to spend a tax return are big decisions that your husband should have a say in.
Do any of these sound familiar to you? If so, it might be a good time to apologize to your husband and set things straight.
Did you like this post? Hate it? I wrote a follow-up over on my blog: Do Husbands Need to Respect Their Wives? While you’re there, go ahead and pick up a free copy of The 7 Pillars of a Godly Marriage.
Related posts:
Can a Wife’s Disrespect Contribute to Her Husband’s Depression?
What Does Respect Look Like to Husbands?
Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them
Ways Husbands Lead that Wives Often Don’t Recognize
But I am Right, and I Know Better than My Husband!
The Peaceful Wife 
I do lay out my hubby’s work clothes as I do this to help him get ready at 3 am in the morning! He appreciates me making things just a bit easier for him especially when he is tired and pressed for time. I don’t see it as being his mommy, but being his helpmeet.
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Thanks Cheryl, and I agree, it depends on the situation. That’s just one possible example of a mothering type of attitude. Some guys won’t be bothered by that specific example, and others will.
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Your husband is very lucky he got wife as second mother pls cont the same may god bless u with lot of happiness i have been hearted a lot from my wife my fate sister ok i am happy to see u r very kind hearted
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“unfortunately, shutting down is something a lot of men struggle with”…maybe this post should have been about how men should learn to open up and deal with shutting down! Really, as a wife I’m just suppose to follow my husband around like a little puppy and not ask questions?
As for choosing my husband’s clothing…really this is disrespectful? My hubby went shopping the other day and bought a white casual shirt…I asked him to please return it and get a colored shirt…not out of disrespect, but I do the laundry and I know I’ll be fighting to get a stain out after his first wear and if I don’t catch it in time, the shirt is ruined. I’m not being disrespectful, I’m getting a longer use out of the shirt…it’s called learning from experience!
i probably do have have to change the way I treat my husband at times, but I think there are probably a better 5 ways that women disrespect their husbands.
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Thanks, I think I just got an idea for my next post.
As for choosing a man’s clothing for him… Yes, it can feel disrespectful if he feels like you don’t think he can dress himself. With the white shirt situation, I don’t see any problem with how you handled it. My wife often helps me pick out my clothes and usually I don’t have any problem with it. In fact I’ve learned that it’s best if I ask for her input.
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Carri, I am more than willing to admit that I messed up in this situation. In fact, I labeled my move as “boneheaded” in the post. This was several years ago and I do feel I’ve matured a bit since then.
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Daniel – I really appreciate your willingness to share your perspective during a misunderstanding with your wife when you were a newlywed. It takes a lot of courage to showcase your personal mistakes for the benefit of others. And I really admire your humility, as well. I have been reading your posts for months now and I know that you have such a heart for God and for marriage.
Thank you for taking the time to address wives about ways they might be able to improve their end of their marriages. I think that many wives can benefit by looking through your eyes at this situation. Many of our husbands may feel disrespected in similar ways and we may be totally unaware that we are injuring our husbands and our marriages. The more I learn about how men think and feel, the better equipped I am to empathize with my husband and speak his language in a more meaningful way.
Yes, it would be great if husbands were also learning about their wives’ perspectives, too. But here, we are addressing wives and we can only control our own behavior, not our husbands’. The more I used to focus on what my husband “should” be doing, the more angry I felt. Then I was a helpless victim with no power to change my marriage. But when I discovered the power of respect and that I could learn something that would really bless my marriage – I began to focus on my responsibilities and my behavior – and that is when miracles began happening in me, in our marriage and in my husband.
I’d like to encourage wives who are serious about obeying God’s Word to respect our husbands to strike up a discussion with your own husbands and find out how he feels about some of these scenarios. You might just be surprised! Some things come across as disrespectful to almost all men. But some things about feeling respected/disrespected are more individualized. I personally was SO clueless about what respect meant when I first learned about it that I desperately needed some practical examples like these as a spring board and a place to start talking about what is and is not respectful to my husband.
Thanks for sharing this little snapshot into a man’s mind!
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Thanks April. You are absolutely right in that the only person you can change is yourself. If I make a mistake, I own it and try to do better in the future. That’s all I can do.
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Daniel, as a relatively new wife, I 100% agree with everything you mentioned in this post. There are so many times that I get frustrated with my husband’s train of thought and try to just nudge his thoughts to my personal frame of mind, rather than tell him what I’m thinking, and compromise from there. The shopping situation has happened so many times between us, I had to laugh as I read it. The truth is, men think logically- if they walk past bread, and bread is on the list, they go to grab bread. It’s women who have the whole, back to front of the store method. Female logic is way different than male logic.
That being said, I think that rather than women being offended at what you had to say, they should reflect on their own marriages. There are times when my husband feels completely disrespected and I’m completely unaware until it happens for the 50th time and he finally can’t contain his frustration anymore. I know that I am a strong and willful woman, and I know that God needs me to be supportive in that way to my husband. But I respect God’s will and my husband’s feelings enough to back off when it’s pointed out to me that I’m trying too hard to yank the reigns from his hands. God designed the husband to be the head of the marriage the way he did to reflect Christ being the head of the church. I’m not foolish enough to think that I’m equal to Christ, deserving to lead; I humbly respect my husband’s decisions, and in the event I don’t agree, I pray about it, and we discuss the issue and go with God’s best, not our own. I’m also not foolish enough to believe that we communicate perfectly, or at all sometimes for that matter. I know I have faults and Christ is the only one who can overshadow them. And that is why in my marriage, God comes first to lead my husband, and through my husband, God leads me. Thank you for your insights in this post. I enjoy reading them.
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Thanks for your comment, Eden.
Getting communication right can be so tricky, especially when men and women think so differently in so many ways.
It’s also hard when you get a willful woman matched up with a more passive man. That’s the exact situation we’re in, and it can get rough at times.
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And K, I don’t think that all young wives or wives to be are naive enough to think that “submission” means the same thing as “completely forfeit who you are as a woman, and in the Lord.” Because that’s certainly not what Paul meant when he wrote “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord” in Ephesians 5:22. Being a strong and independent woman is easiest to do when you have a strong and independent man who loves the Lord to back you up. I don’t think anyone’s agenda was being “pushed” and I also don’t think that all men are ignorant enough to use an attempt at gaining perspective into the male mind as a crutch to coerce or control their wives into doing whatever they want them to regardless of God’s intentions for their marriage. I think there was a lot of conviction felt by women reading this post and it turned in to anger as they left their comments…
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And Daniel, you’re right- It comes down to the willful woman letting go of her own pride enough to LET her husband lead her.
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I realize that these are comments from over a year ago, but I want to add here that the heart of the matter is, Do I trust GOD- not my HUSBAND, but GOD- enough to do what the Bible says to do? Am I willing to deny myself and take up my cross and walk by faith and not by sight, obeying God’s word by loving and respecting my husband, no matter what the outcome? Am I going to honor my husband, like God says to do, and trust that without my nagging and constant correction, God is interested and invested enough in me, in my husband, and in our marriage to woo my husband’s heart and inspire his obedience if there are areas where he doesn’t obey the Word? Sarah became a peaceful wife, even calling her imperfect Abraham “Lord,” and we can be her daughters if we obey God and don’t give in to fear. We won’t obey unless we know God’s heart for us is only good. Lots of love leads to lots of obedience. So it really boils down to the quality of our relationship with God. Are we founded on His word and rooted in His love or are we tossed around by self-centered fear and the anti-God culture around us?
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Exactly.
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Being newlyweds was VERY hard for me and my hubby, too (18 years ago now!). We had an extremely painful first 3 months. I completely disagreed with some of my husband’s decisions and constantly scolded him, lectured him and criticized him about it. My husband shut down. I was in tears every day. He barely spoke to me, barely touched me. I had no idea that he was feeling disrespected. He seemed like a different person from the guy I had dated for 6 years and thought I knew so well. He couldn’t verbalize to me what he needed from me – in fact, he didn’t verbalize ANYTHING. He didn’t answer me, he didn’t look at me. I felt EXTREMELY unloved and rejected and my reaction (becoming completely hysterical – every single day) made things much worse between us. I was VERY disrespectful to him, but I didn’t realize it – all I knew was I was hurting and I wanted HIM to fix it and HIM to change. BOTH of us hurt the other. BOTH of us were wrong. Our communication was AWFUL on both ends. We had ZERO tools to make things better.
How I WISH I had been able to have some insight into our problem way back then. I didn’t know anything about men shutting down. I assumed my husband thought and felt exactly like me. I had no idea about all the differences between men and women. If I had understood the concept of respect and what I was doing that was so disrespectful – I sure could have saved myself many tearful nights and maybe we could have actually connected and built a decent foundation much earlier in our marriage.
Yes, if Daniel had told her what he was doing – that would have helped. If my husband could have told me what he was thinking many times – that would have gone a long way to help solve our problems, too. But he didn’t or couldn’t. I am sure Daniel handles things very differently now, and I bet his wife does, too! If she had gone along with him, that would also have prevented the problem. Newlyweds have a lot to learn – and thankfully God uses the whole marriage process to make both the husband and wife more holy.
I’m thankful for my husband’s leadership in recent years. I used to try to lead, thinking that I “had” to. My husband largely quit trying to lead because I was “right” all the time and argued every point to death. I did not cooperate with his ideas. I tried to make him do what I wanted him to do. He got tired of trying and just unplugged. He let me run the show – that was what I wanted. I was so anxious, overwhelmed, stressed out, afraid and irritable all the time trying to carry all of that weight.
After I stepped down and graciously allowed my husband to lead (Ephesians 5:22-33) and studied respect as fervently as I could, I actually began to have real peace every single day. It has been amazing! Now he carries the bulk of the weight and the responsibility before God for leading in our marriage. And I trust God to lead me through my husband. This approach has allowed us both to become more like Christ and more the people we have always longed to be.
My husband doesn’t shut down on me anymore – probably because he feels extremely respected. And you know what? I feel secure, loved, protected, cherished, adored and like the happiest wife ever. We both had so much to learn. My only regret is that I wish we had learned it earlier. So I am thankful for people who are willing to use their own mistakes as examples so that hopefully others can learn much more quickly.
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He doesn’t deserve respect when he’s disrespecting you. Marriage should be an equal partnership, and neither partner should treat the other like a dog or a child.
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Chris,
Thanks for the comment!
Unfortunately, because we are all married to sinners – there will be times that our spouses don’t deserve love or respect, but God still calls us to love and respect them – the way He loves us.
God’s design for marriage is spelled out in Ephesians 5. It IS an equal partnership, absolutely! But marriage has a much higher purpose in God’s plan than our culture does. It is to be a representation of the profound mystery between Christ and His bride, the church – those who follow Him. The husband is to represent Christ – with a self-sacrificing love and servant-leadership. The wife is to represent the church – admiring and respecting the husband and cooperating with his God-given leadership.
So – the husband and wife are equal in value before GOd – but they have different roles to bring glory to God. In God’s design, both partners are to be treated with love, respect, dignity and affection. No one is to be treated like a dog, child or slave.
The husband is to be honored and respected and he has the final say on decisions – but he is to decide based on what is best for the family, knowing he is accountable to God for his decisions. The wife is to be cherished, protected, loved, and treated with gentleness and honor – as the more delicate one of the two.
Have a great day!
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That’s true. Husbands are called to love as Christ loves. But never does that mean that a wife should love any less, or that she should not respect her husband. I know wives who somehow think this lets them off the hook from giving their husbands the necessary love and respect. This is not what Jesus taught at all. And both spouses are commanded to love each other unconditionally. So no excuses for the women and none for the men.
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Damien,
Exactly! None of us will have any excuses to disobey God’s commands when we stand before Him. May we all seek to obey God and be the people He calls us to be!
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I appreciate the Godly response and thorough explanation to Chris’ comment about the husband not deserving respect. You are right on the money.
I don’t always want to love and respect my husband. Partly because he doesn’t always deserve it, partly because I am selfish and want things my way, and partly just because it’s hard. However, that’s my problem, not his. I still need to honor him with my respect as best I can (Honestly, I fail often) as commanded and laid out in God’s Word.
I’d hate to see where we’d be if God only loved us when we deserved it! Yikes!!
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Juliesunne,
Thanks for your comments and thoughts!
You are right! Husbands definitely don’t always deserve respect. And wives definitely don’t always deserve love. The problem is that we NEED those things most when we deserve them least.
I have learned myself (from 15 years of doing things the WRONG way first) that being disrepsectful to a man, and trying to control him does NOT make him want to be more loving, kind, plugged in and wonderful. It either makes him want to stonewall or react in anger.
So, even if he is doing things that are wrong – there are almost always some things he is doing right that I can focus on and build up and praise. And the more I treat him with REAL respect (it can’t be faked, they know it if we try to fake it!) – the more he responds with love.
The more that a husband shows love to his wife, even if she doesn’t deserve it, the more she will want to respond with respect.
We honor God by obeying His Word. But, even if I were being totally selfish, my husband is MUCH more likely to give me what I need if I give him what he needs first. If I refuse to meet his needs and demand that he meets my needs – that does not work!
I have been amazed at the miracles God has done in our marriage since I have been willing to obey His Word – even when I disagreed, even when it was hard. My husband has become much more the godly man I always knew he could be. And I have become the woman I wanted to be. It is WONDERFUL not to have to live with constant regrets, anxiety, worry, fear, resentment, bitterness and loneliness anymore the way I used to.
Now, I have GOd’s peace and joy and power every day.
I’m very thankful God loves us even when we don’t deserve it. That is ALL the time! 🙂
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“The more that a husband shows love to his wife, even if she doesn’t deserve it, the more she will want to respond with respect.” This simply isn’t true in my case. I show love and give her what she wants at the drop of the hat, and in return it’s just expected even more of me. My wife doesn’t let me lead on anything. The worst part about it is that I do all of the heavy lifting and bring all the bread to the table juts to be shut down at every corner. She scoffs at everything thing I say when expressing how i feel and plays it off as being too sensitive. She wants to wear the pants and be the man of the household too much and I can’t do anything about it because I refuse to divorce or leave anyone. Unfortunately we have only been married since last october and I constantly think it was a mistake. I hope I am wrong because we are expecting a baby by February. I can’t seem to get the respect thing across to her.
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You sound like a lovely person, peacefulwife, which makes it even more sad to see how brainwashed you are. The Bible isn’t a book full of profound wisdom or the word of any god. Men created those myths for their own gain, and part of that includes the subjugation of women. If it weren’t for secular influences in our society over the centuries, we’d be living like fundamentalist Muslims today, or maybe even worse. Organized religion has caused so much evil in this world, and it makes me sad to see so many people still falling for it in the 21st century.
I wish you all the best.
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Chris,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! 🙂
I agree that organized religion has caused a lot of evil in the world. What I am endorsing isn’t about organized religion at all. It is about an intimate relationship with a very real God – Who sent His very real Son to take the punishment for what I have done wrong. That is how much He loves me – and you, too!
YOu know, I did things much more our culture’s way for 15 years in our marriage – and all I got from that (being in charge myself) was constant anxiety, overwhelming loneliness, fear, stress, more pressure than I could carry, bitterness, resentment, etc. It sure didn’t work for me when I tried to run the show.
PLEASE, do not be sad for me at all! NOw, I have God’s peace EVERY day – and don’t worry or feel afraid at all anymore. I have victory over my own selfishness. I have joy EVERY day! I have the marriage of my dreams. And I am the woman I always wanted to be. My husband and I work together as a team now. I feel more empowered and feminine than ever. I LOVE my Jesus and His Word and my husband. I am so thankful for the gifts He has given me.
I will keep you in my prayers. 🙂
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I agree with your post completely…thought I think different men will have different examples. My guy likes to pick out his own clothes, though I try to encourage him to branch out and try new things. 🙂 However, the other 4 are spot on. The husband is the spiritual leader and while he should allow his wife input, it is her job to submit to his final decision. Most of the others are the result of us ladies trying to control. Some of us may be smarter than our husbands, but we are his helpmeet and should encourage him in front of others, not tear him down. We don’t even realize we are doing it, hence the article. I think both the author and his wife needed to communicate better. It is a perfect example of how different men and women think. 🙂
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Thanks Sarah.
It really doesn’t bother me at all if my wife sets the clothes out for me. But I know that there are some men who are bothered by it, which is why I included it as an example.
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As I read this I could hear my husband agreeing whole-heartedly in the back of my mind. I had to share it on Facebook. I can now imagine him saying “this is what I’ve been telling you all along.” Especially number two, it’s taken ten years of marriage, but I totally get it now. And I very much agree. Aftern ten years, I have give a whole host of examples of when I should have gone with my husband’s decisions, and what went very, very wrong when I didn’t. I can also give expamles of how the world works better because I listened.
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Thanks for the share.
I think we’ll always be learning how to this stuff better, so ten years doesn’t sound all that long.
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Thanks for the article. Very useful for my family to foster ethics in.
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I have to agree with the general thesis of the author. While it is true during the past twenty years that women have gained much in secular society, it has come at a cost of men being required to be effeminised to show that they ” intelligent and caring.” The ultimate insult is that within the body of Christ, this worldly view has crept into our ministries, to the point that you aren’t a “real Christian” unless you are socially effeminised. Accordinv to this worldview, the man and the woman aren’t loving the other person for who they are, but only when the man stops being a man and becomes more like a woman is. there real “change.” That is not the change of a regenerate spirit brought about by the Blood of Christ, but the adoption of a worldly 1960’s philosophy.
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I would also say, a wife is supposed to be a helpmate. If she doesn’t question anything, she is not being a helpmate. The questioning does need to be in a gentle, respectful way, but a guy should not expect her to not question anything. That is simply prideful to think he knows it all and doesn’t need help.
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You were also not respecting the fact that the woman is the keeper of the home, and probably has her list all thought out. My husband would say, “Honey, what do we need?” showing respect for that and putting me in charge when it is my area of expertise or my area where God has put me in charge (when it comes to nurturing children, managing the home, etc)
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Hi Colleen, I agree with everything you said. If you read the other comments, you will see that this was several years ago when we were still newlyweds. I have no problem with my wife asking a simple question. That would be rather foolish, I think.
Something that did not come across well in my post was that it wasn’t just a simple question, her tone and body language turned it into an accusation instead, at least to my perception.
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Yeah. Your wife should try to beocme interested in your stuff. I suffer through long movies with my boyfriend that bore me, but every so often I find them interesting and he always thanks me for watching them with him because it’s about spending time together. Watch her movies and she will watch yours.References :
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Ok… maybe it’s because this is one of my pet peeves, and I got stuck before I even hit the 5 ways… but…sigh. But, for discussion sake, sometimes I think men take this too far. Because the Bible says that submission goes both ways. Leaders are to have a servants heart. So in this situation with the store for example, I assume it’s her job, she does this all the time. So when he comes along to help, is he really helping by trying to lead or is he being a better leader by steping into the servants role? Think about how respectful it would be for your boss to come help you with your job and then make you do it his way instead just because he’s the “boss”. In most cases, it’s your job and he rarely if ever does it, so he knows little about how to efficiently and productively accomplish the task…that’s why he hired you. Is it better for him as a leader to actually help and fall into the servant role? Or by doing it his own way- without cause (i.e.he’s not telling you that he wants to teach you how to do it better he’s just taking over) as you did in the store? Which, for a wife, would say “I love you” and earn him more respect?
I realize that she probably asked with a disrespectful tone and made you shut down (as pointed out in another comment above). A mans need for respect isn’t the same as his wanting to be allowed to always be in control and do whatever he wants, how he wants and when he wants. That’s not a desire for respect, that’s pride. Here’s an example. I have been a teacher, I have been the “head” of the classroom- my students were respectful to follow my lead but that didnt’ mean I always did what I wanted when I wanted…sometimes I had to let go of the reigns and answer a question or discuss something in more detail and let go of my plan and my will to better serve and help them. I was still the head, I was still in control and in charge but doing it their way to meet their needs. I actually earned me MORE respect and they learned more too, when I’d bend my day to fit their needs. That didn’t mean I wasn’t still the head, the students where not in control of the class, we still learned how to read, but we didn’t always do it in the way I wanted to do it. Sometimes being the leader means being a better servant not a boss.
Now… the 5 ways we disrespect our husbands…I agree with those. I think our tone and respectful comminication go a long long way with getting and giving respect in those areas. My husband knows when I’ve had a hard day I’m likely to be on autopilot and play the mother role to him. Not out of disrespect, because he knows that I’m tired and running on empty- and autopilot. He often jokes “yes mom” and gives me a wink and a hug as a way to remind me to respect him and at the same time lead me with love. They work best together, love and respect. My being respectful to my husband doesn’t always ensure his loving response either…see the store example- if she asked with curiosity and not disrespect- he was being prideful and unloving…and there are men who will walk all over a “respectful” doormat. That’s probably in another blog…
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Thanks for your comment, Chandra.
In our case, we actually do almost all of the shopping together. In fact, grocery shopping is something that she doesn’t really like doing. It stresses her out, especially since our daughter has the tendancy to try to wander off or not listen to us. Lately she’s been taking our daughter to look at the toy section while I’ve taken our son to do the shopping.
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I think the goal is for each of us to allow God to develop the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our lives- which includes self-control, not other-control. I can react all day long to the areas where my husband is missing it (and I have done this for two plus years, which has led to much misery and despair, and ultimately, to me finding this blog 🙂 ), but since I truly cannot change his heart- my heart is slowly accepting that this is God’s job, not mine- I can work on my own by opening my life up to God, which I believe is the point of this post. No one is advocating being a doormat. I’ve tried that- it doesn’t work. We should definitely speak up at times- Jesus did multiple times- but he also walked humbly and submitted lovingly and respectfully to imperfect parents and authorities and disciples. God doesn’t always chasten, and neither should we.
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I think some folks are missing the boat here in that they don’t understand the difference between “submission” and “obedience.” See Acts 5: 28-29. God commands submission, not mindless robotic response. Also remember “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. He died for it, remember? I still agree with the author’s premise….it isn’t his idea…it is God’s. You either believe it or you don’t. Christ did submit to the will of the Father, right? I am going to propose that a lot of the protests to the article betray a deeper need to surrender self will when it comes to clear teachings presented in Scripture.
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Scott, we are ALL called to submit our wills to Christ, not just women. We are both to submit ourselves to each other, and to Christ. There are numerous verses talking about submitting ourselves to Christ, dying to ourselves, putting others first, etc, that are related to marriage or not.
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Colleen,
I completely agree that Scripture does say all believers are to submit to God – the “Your will, not mine be done” attitude. Absolutely! And Christ did clearly submit His will to the Father – I believe Scott is actually in agreement with you there. And I think all believers would have to agree that we are all to take up our cross daily and die to self, submitting our will to the will of God and obeying His Word – which are two separate concepts, I agree, Scott. And Scott, thank you for your insights!
My concern is that when wives only focus on the one verse about the mutual submission of all Christians to one another and ignore the following passages about marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33 (and Titus 2:2-5, and I Peter 3:1-6 and Genesis 3:16) where wives are directly commanded by God to submit to their husbands – it is VERY EASY for us as wives to end up thinking we are “in charge” or that we have “equal rights” to lead in the marriage as our husbands are given. And I think we can easily distort the very great mystery of Christ and the church that we are given to portray to our children and the world if we alter the pattern that God designed for marriage. I have seen countless Christian women ignore almost every passage about marriage in the New Testament while concentrating on that one verse in Ephesians 5 to mutually submit to one another. And it is easy for us to ignore Genesis 2 where God designed husbands to be in charge because of some issues with women being more easily deceived. We don’t like that, so we ignore it. We also ignore that God said we would desire to control our husbands in Genesis 2 and that we must guard against our sinful pride and tendency to think we know best. These were HUGE issues for me in my marriage that crippled us and kept us from being all that God wanted to be for many years.
Submission to our husbands does not mean they are more valuable than we are, or that we are “less than” any more than Jesus is “less than” God the Father. Rather it is a system of accountability, of authority and of order that is designed for our protection as wives spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. We are under our husband’s God given authority (I Corinthians the first half of chapter 11) and just like Christ provides for, protects, leads and gives Himself up for the church he loves, our husbands are to do the same for us as their wives. Our submission to our husbands also models submission to God-given authority for our children and teaches them to respect and submit to authority (teachers, governement, police, God’s Word and God). This is a critical concept that we cannot afford to ignore!
Christ does not submit to the church. He submits to God the Father. He laid His life down for the church. He died for her, He loves her and was willing to sacrifice Himself for her benefit and so that she might live. But He doesn’t follow the church. Interestingly, a husband who does love his wife as Christ loves the church will want his wife to be happy – and many times he will do whatever she wants to do about certain things. But it is his responsibility before God to do what is ultimately BEST for his wife and his family and the burden is on him to make the call when the husband and wife disagree.
I think our marriages have suffered for our lack of obedience to God’s Word. Mine did!
I believe that the reason that God made men to need their wives’ respect is because He designed them to be the leaders in marriage. The “respect” and “submission” commands go hand in hand. Submission does NOT mean turning off my brain, becoming a slave or being a mindless robot – exactly like Scott said. Some women go too far and don’t give of themselves in marriage, giving up all their own ideas, thoughts and feelings – that is a perversion of the picture of Christ and His church – just like a wife becoming dominant and taking over control and ordering her husband to follow her is a perversion of God’s design. Biblical submission is a yielding of my will from a position of strength – conceding that my husband ranks above me in authority in God’s sight and that I am accountable to follow his leadership. I also know that God will even use my husband’s mistakes to teach me, bless me and guide me. (If there is addiction or physical abuse in a marriage – a wife needs to find godly, experienced counsel ASAP!)
When I began to respect my husband and submit to him – it was the BIGGEST test of my Christian faith I have ever endured in my life. I had to decide – is God BIG enough to lead me through a sinful man? Can I obey God even though it’s scary? Submitting to God can be scary – and He is perfect! Submitting to a human man is much scarier. But I was able to finally get rid of my idol of being in control. And God has done miracle after miracle in our marriage, in me, in my husband and in our family once I began to obey Him.
I don’t want to rob other wives of the blessing of fully obeying God’s Word. I’m thankful for all of God’s commands to me as a wife and I desire to clearly portray God’s full Word and design for marriage so that all marriages and families may benefit. Obedience to all of God’s commands for us bring peace, joy and abundant life!
I pray every wife will find the joy of obeying God even when we don’t understand or don’t like what God is asking of us. I pray we might be willing to yield our will to His even in this area and that we might find supernatural healing for our marriages across the church of Christ!
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I’m hoping that most marriages aren’t like mine was, but you can all count me as a cynic when it comes to the wholesale notion that a wife MUST always obey/submit/defer/what-have-you to her husband in order to have a Godly marriage. My husband was a great guy, church going, God fearing, you name. He also tended to use his biblically ordained authority to his advantage at times. I often found myself playing second fiddle to church sponsored service and fellowship opportunities. His men’s group went from meeting once a month, to meeting every other week, to meeting weekly; all of which I was fine with. Then they started doing a weekend away about every four or five weeks. I wasn’t thrilled with this but he always assured me that this was for our betterment; that these men were all there to hold each other accountable in their lives and marriages, and most of all, that they prayed over these decisions before making them. He had a little saying that he frequently used, “you can enjoy the view so much more when you let somebody else worry about steering”. So I of course would be left felling guilty while enjoying my view of diapers, dishes and dirty laundry.
He and I would do things together, but they were few and far between, and always (in my opinion) needed to be worked in around his busy schedule. One example; for my thirtieth birthday, which fell on a Saturday, his preplanned weekend getaway with the guys suddenly turned into an important leadership conference that was going to be difficult to miss. That Friday he bought me flowers, took me out for a birthday lunch and then packed for his weekend, even as two of our three children began to come down with stomach flu. Happy Birthday to me!!! To his credit, he did come home early Sunday when our third child got sick. Ironically though, by the time church rolled around the next week, word of his early return home had circulated, and he was being hailed as the hero who saved the day.
I could go on and on about this, but I won’t. I’m hoping some of you can understand where I’m coming from, even though I know that many of you would simply turn the mirror back on me and my expectations. All I can say is that it was beyond difficult. Not because he ever beat me or caused me physical harm, but more because of the emotional toll of his word play. His comings and goings weren’t so much dictated by his own preference, but by God’s. Sure, I can understand the soup kitchen, the youth retreats, some of the conferences, and other stuff like that. But the camping trips, fishing trips, skiing and concerts; damn, why didn’t God ever want me to do any of those things?
I’m in a much better place now, and I’m with a strong, confident man who knows how to defer to me when I choose.
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Evelyn,
My heart breaks with you to hear so much pain in what you have been through!!!
I do understand that there are husbands who don’t live up to modeling the love of Christ for His church and lay down their lives for their wives as Christ laid down His life for us. Our husbands are sinful men, after all.
There are definitely men who abuse their role as leader, or who give up their time with their families to “Serve God.” Some men actually do serve God and are called to be away from their families frequently – like Billy Graham. His wife knew that she would largely be sacrificing having her husband around so that he could be speaking around the world and they worked out that arrangement ahead of time.
I’m very sorry for your experience. I believe that a godly husband does need to be extremely careful to be selfless and truly look out for the best needs of his wife and children. Unfortunately, we don’t have a lot of selfless, godly, Christ-like, strong men to lead our families today. I am praying fervently that will change! And I am praying fervently that women will find their power in encouraging, building up, respecting and following their husbands.
I do want us to be extremely careful not to throw out God’s design for marriage assuming that God’s design is the failure – when the problem is actually the disobedience and sinfulness of individual people. God’s Word is true. His design is good. And I believe that even when a husband is disobedient to God’s Word, his wife has the most power in her marriage when she continues to obey God and trust Him to work. Taking things into her own hands or doing things her own way and rebelling against God will make things a lot worse and will not get her the intimacy and love she desires.
A godly man who loves his wife will often decide to do what makes his wife happy. In fact, that would actually be what happens most often for most marriages, because he loves to delight her and see her smile. It would usually only be more rare occasions where the couple would disagree and the husband would make the decision for the good of the family, with the wife praying for her husband to have wisdom and supporting his decision. But in my marriage, since I have been submitting to my husband, I have actually gotten “my way” MUCH more often than I ever did when I tried to make things happen and control them. Now, my husband loves to delight me and would do almost anything I ask unless he feels what I am asking would be detrimental to me our our family. He can hear my feelings now and my heart – which he couldn’t hear before when I was so negative, critical, controlling and condescending.
I tried being in charge and telling my husband what to do for 15 years – and it left me alone, afraid, overwhelmed, angry and anxious. So me being in charge definitely wasn’t the answer.
But I agree with you that there are times that husbands don’t handle their role well – absolutely – and they will answer to God for how they treated their wives and children just like we will answer to Him for our own obedience to His Word.
Thank you for sharing. Marriage can be SO very painful and difficult.
God’s Word describes a wife submitting (cooperating with her husband’s leadership) as to the Lord. So if a husband is asking his wife do to something wrong, she is to resist him and submit only to Christ. And her perspective and input is EXTREMELY important. If a wife shuts down and doesn’t give her feelings, thoughts and desires and just passively, quietly sits there never expressing herself – her husband may easily become a selfish tyrant. A biblically submissive wife comes from a position of great strength, wisdom, dignity, maturity and grace in my view. But when the couple can’t agree – she graciously defers to her husband, trusting God to lead her even through his mistakes. And he will make mistakes.
My husband says that it is easy for people to use the “it’s God’s will” card to mask selfish motives. So for a husband to often say, “It’s God’s will for me to be away with the boys” and not take care of his responsibilities at home – that does throw up a red flag. I obviously don’t know your husband or your situation well at all – but God does, and He will judge rightly one day.
I pray for your faith in Christ to be strengthened greatly! And I pray for God’s peace and joy to fill you and allow you to shine brightly for Him! Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
Daniel’s blog (the author of this article) http://www.godshelpformarriage.com, and several of the blogs at http://www.upliftingmarriage.com address the husband’s role and dying to self, helping their wives more, being involved and being servant leaders, not lording authority over their wives. These are great needs in our marriages today and I am so thankful for godly men who are addressing this injustice!
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lol me and my husband watch them all the time, but we both like them. my adcive .just get a movie thats somewhat action so she wont hate it too much and if it sucks, get her to take her mind off the movie References :
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Hello to all you lovely ladies who have commented and/or read this blog. My name is Kelli and I am Daniel’s (the writer of this posts) dear wife. I am nervous to even comment on here as my husband is more of the writer and I am the talker.
I am nervous as so many of you have pointed out my husband flaws in and with this article, some have cut deep into my heart hearing your criticism of him and our marriage. It saddens me that instead of just taking this article for what it is, one mans opinion, you have judged him.
I haven’t read all the comments, but some were very demeaning which is hard for me. I want so badly to come to my husbands rescue, but I do not intend to hurt him in any way. Although I must say that after he posted this we did have a long discussion about this, so I am not surprised at some of your reactions. To be honest I don’t even remember how that conversation ended.
One thing I will say about the Costco incident is that Daniel and I come from very different families who have shaped us very differently, therefore we communicate on completely different levels. We are not perfect by far, but we are always striving to find better methods to help our marriage grow. Shopping together is something we do as a family because honestly I loathe the grocery store, I would send him by himself it I didn’t have the desire to add extra things that aren’t on my list, lol. We enjoy the time as a family and we now have a routine we follow that he does very well.
My husband is a wonderful, loving husband and father and my first instinct after seeing all these comments is to gush about how glorious he is. Daniel has a servant’s heart and he is very helpful to me, he works hard and has provided for me since the day I met him. After he mentioned this post and the response he got I mentioned that I should join his site and I hope that I soon can, so maybe you will be hearing more from me. I try very hard to be aware of other’s feeling, I am a girl after all, so I major in feelings. I hope you all receive this well and please take another look at my sweet husbands post as his intentions are good. I knew the minute I met him that his heart belonged to God and I have loved him for it ever since. God bless you all.
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Kelli,
Thank you so much for posting your comments! You are welcome here and you certainly know Daniel better than anyone else. Thank you for sharing more about your husband with us. Your words speak very well of him, and I think, underscore his credibility. I’m thankful for his perspective. I think that if wives are willing to consider his point of view, even though it is VERY different from a female point of view, they may be able to see ways that they’ve contributed to their own husbands’ feeling disrespected and may be able to wisely correct that pattern and heal some of the damage that has been done. I think they will find that when their husbands feel respected in their marriages, wives will soon also feel a lot more loved, cherished and adored! It’s a win/win!
Thank you both for your heart for marriage and for building others up! I appreciate you very much!
Daniel’s site, http://www.godshelpformarriage.com, also has plenty of articles that address husbands meeting their wives’ needs. Check it out, ladies and see for yourself! 🙂
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when I was growing up. My pternas were strict in instilling values. And they as the generations b4 them are shy in expressing love publicly. My childhood was a very happy one, despite the constant scoldings and canning hahaha. We were naughty and so deserve it la.As adult we broke the shy barrier and constantly hugs our pternas and tell them how much we love them. But of course they are still shy to say so. The sacrifices they made to bring us up is their way of showing their love for us, even the scoldings and canning are part of that love. Parenting the old school way.I am glad that I always tell them that I love them. When mum passed away, she knew I love her. Now we smothered dad with our love, and I think he enjoyed that being pampered by 5 daughters .I enjoyed reading your articles. Thank you dear friend.Umi
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When someone silmpy delights in you, they don’t need you to perform, they just want to you be happy.When looking at us, I’d bet God feels the same way. Very, very powerful words. I think if more people grasped this truth we would see so many more world changers in the church today. We’d see so many more people set free from themselves and set free to be themselves. I am going to work very hard this week to rest in that truth for my own life.
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I have been very convicted in this area recently. Thanks for the great post!
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Daniel,
I am a little dismayed by the strong negative reactions your post received. I actually found it very insightful and somewhat convicting. I also believe there are many Biblical truths found within your words.
This post was not about how men can better love their wives. I’m sure you and your wife could collaborate on a great piece about that as you freely admit to having faults. But it was addressed to ways us wives can show more respect toward our husbands. And coming from a man, I find it invaluable.
My husband and I have been married nearly 23 years, and I realize I have a long way to go in the respect arena (guilty of doing the first four points on your list) as he has a long way to go in the showing love arena. Marriage is a marathon not a sprint, and a couple committed to a life together (as we are) learn and grow through the years.
I admire your willingness to admit your faults and your sweet wife’s enlightening comments (Kelli, you write quite well!).
I am going to print your post and tuck it in my Bible to remind me of how I can be a better Helpmeet. Thank you. Blessings!
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Wow Julie, thanks for the words of encouragement, they mean a lot to me! I’m sure you have a few thing that you can teach me, I’m still a newlywed compared to you.
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I appreciate the transparency and authenticity in this post. Rather than nitpicking at the bones of this illustration, readers should rather gather the body of truth behind it. Women are to respect their husbands as Ephesians 5:33 says. What that looks like in individual marriages may vary, but a woman knows in her heart when she is being disrespectful, just as a man knows in his heart when he is not cherishing his wife and living with her “according to knowledge,” as the Bible instructs. There is always a learning curve in marriage, whether we have been taught biblical truth or not, but I appreciate your willingness to admit your faults and share how you and your wife worked through issues together. It’s not “airing dirty laundry” when the situation point back to the redeeming work of God in a flawed-like-all-of-ours marriage. Thank you. I’m glad I found this post today (when peacefulwife visited one of my own blogs on spouses’ idiosyncrasies at http://lolwithgod.com). Blessings on your marriage.
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Biblical instructions to married couple – Husband LOVE your wife. Wife HONOUR/RESPECT your husband. The rest is influenced by culture and traditions.
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Wow, is this ever so very true. This follows the book “Love & Respect”. The one verse in the Bible and this book that states that a woman should respect her husband and a man should love his wife. This changed my life and my marriage forever! If you do marriage God’s way, it works! Thanks for this post!
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That book made a HUGE impact on our marriage, too! God’s ways have brought us freedom, passion and life! I love hearing that God has done incredible things in your marriage, too! Keep shining for Him!
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This is really interesting. I am stubborn and I don’t know how to let my husband lead. He is a wonderful man, but I can’t get rid of the mindset of always being right. Do you have advice? What if I am always right?
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Love it! I used to have that mindset, too. A lot of my posts deal with that topic, actually! What helped me the most was the book “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle. She helped me see that intimacy and emotional/spiritual closeness with my husband is MUCH more valuable than me getting my way about most topics. I also had a huge wake up call to how prideful I was when I read “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and saw that I was not remotely being the wife my husband needed me to be. I used to think I was always right. I was SURE that I was! But I was lonely and stressed out and my pride was prickly and pushed God and my husband away from me.
Now I cling to my relationship with God and my husband. I am humble. I understand that I don’t know better than God and there’s a good chance I don’t know better than my husband. His ways are different from mine, but that doesn’t mean they are necessarily wrong. And this is a big part of how I discovered how to have peace every day instead of being anxious, worried, lonely and upset, trying to control things all the time! What a relief! I found out that I made trying to be in control myself an idol – thinking I knew better than anyone, including God. Yikes! And I discovered that God is sovereign enough and big enough to lead my husband through me EVEN if my husband makes mistakes. And I learned that God will show me some amazing miracles when I allow my husband to lead – and that even if he makes what seems like a mistake, God will take us to places that are far beyond anything I could ever have taken us if I was in charge! it has been worth it! Now, I hold everything loosely and roll with things knowing that my husband and God will do what is best for me even when I can’t see it at the time. Each day is an adventure and full of surprises and romance now!
I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions!
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Clearly men and women create different meanings around the same thing. Have you ever read Debra Tannen on the meaning of language usage by men and by women. It is an enlightening read. She has several books on the topic, one of which is, You Just Don’t Understand http://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622
I ran across in my studies of anthropology/socio-linguistics.
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” It has to do with standing at the gates of my house and deciding what spiritual influences to allow in.
I will also say that once I did put my foot down, she was quick to agree that it was for the best.”
I have several problems with your perception of marriage. Is it not an equal partnership, does it not mean equal respect from both parties? Why then do you refer to ‘my’ house and not our, and why is it only your choices? “put my foot down, she was quick to agree” – put my foot down? Which century are you living in? She is not your property, she is your equal partner. Sorry if this feels harsh, but I really have problems with men who feel superior in a relationship. Why are your decisions and ideas more valid than hers?
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This is so perfect! I had read this post before but just re-read it and linked it to my latest post on how to NOT treat your spouse like a child. Thank you! =)
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my wife was raised by a feminist or should i say her mother’s nannies as she was by the pool side with her drink. her family is so messed up by the 60s movement i can’t even begin to explain. all i can say is that she doesn’t know the meaning of the word respect. if brought up she says she is entitled to her opinion and it’s her right to speak any time she feels like it. the funny thing is she came to the Lord and is now struggling with the concept of respect.
Ladies,
Ask any man if he would rather be liked by his colleagues or respected. he will tell you respected! I couldn’t careless if my wife’s best friends husband didn’t like me, but we can sit and discuss things and he pays his due respects. Tell me any where in the New Testament that tells us to follow our feelings… please.
If it was easy to respect your husband, God wouldn’t have to tell you too. Same goes for men. It’s not in our nature to be loving. That is why men tell their kids to suck it up, while moms slobber over them. I can tell you with absolute certainty that your husband respects you no matter how you think he treats you. respect is in our nature. just like you can love him with certainty, but might lack respect for him.
Be Holy ladies, separate, not of this world, but in it. Think about what that means. in this modern age 99% of the population has no clue what respect is, but they know what love is because the male gender has been bashed into knowing it, while the female gender has lost touch with what respect is. Respect him because he is a man and from God, that is it. If he has to earn it, than you are going to have to earn his love… how does that sit?
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Jeff,
I appreciate your comments so much! I think we wives would get PRETTY UPSET if our culture had trashed the concept of love the way it has done with the concept of respect. And I completely agree with you. I heard a pastor say that if we don’t accept God’s commands for us to respect our husbands, then we need to consider that He was the same God who commanded husbands to love their wives selflessly as Christ loves the church. I know NONE of us want to lose out in the love department. And I think when we realize how it balances out – we each give what the other needs, we each have to stretch and grow and become more holy because the other needs something so different from what we need and are used to giving – I think God designed marriage to be very fair. And His way actually WORKS! I am thankful every day for the peace and joy I have in my heart since I have learned to humble myself, obey God, respect and follow my husband’s leadership. I used to be so stressed and worried all the time. I didn’t like myself at all. Now, I am the woman I have always wanted to be – peaceful, gentle, not afraid – full of faith and trust in God and my husband. It is SO much better this way! What seems like a huge sacrifice at first turns into all joy.
Thanks for the wisdom and insights. I pray that we might be able to hear your heart and understand our husbands’ hearts better, too!
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This is an insightful post. The acknowledged lack of communication from husband to wife caused me to pause a bit…but it’s obvious that the author wasn’t claiming perfection himself.
#2 and 3 are areas in which the Lord has really convicted me. My tendency to undermine my husband’s authority has come largely from fearfulness about consequences of certain decisions. The interference with child training stems from both an assumption that I could see things he couldn’t and sometimes from guilt over the fact that he had to discipline only because I had been lax in some way.
Sometimes, I’ve answered for him to the kids (#4), thinking I’d do a better job of articulating in a manner they would understand.
These were “automatic” responses for me, and once I became aware of the sinful pride at the root, the look of frustration and hurt on my husband’s face was impossible to miss! I apologized for my lack of respect and am working on cheerfully taking my own place. Ingrained habits don’t die easily, so I’, grateful for his patience.
And. I’m ever thankful the Lord is faithful to discipline those He loves!
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Heather,
Thanks for sharing your story!!! It’s very helpful. 🙂
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Please note, if you leave a comment with bad language in it, don’t expect it to be approved.
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Daniel,
As a man I completely understand where you are coming from with this post. Now I will admit not every single reason was an issue that I might deal with from my wife. However if you had to post every issue we men deal with, it wouldn’t be 5, but 55×5. I did find it interesting that the first few comments, are criticizing your post. Next time you should add 6 reasons and put the last one as you can’t express how you feel without being attacked. I can understand the Costco thing. Yes I see your point of view and I see her point of view. But lets add a scenario in here to get the point across. Your wife didn’t know you were going to the bread isle. As far as she knew, you were going to look at lawn mowers. However you also might have been taking her to the flower section. What if you had planed a romantic gesture where you went into the flower section and they delivered pre-purchased flowers with a card that contained two tickets to Hawaii for a romantic vacation with your wife. The romantic gesture would have been ruined. Now granted if you forced your wife to the flower section she would quickly apologize, but the spontaneous event would not have gone as you planed. Our wife’s often ask us to be spontaneous but when we do they won’t follow our lead. Therefor unknowingly they reprogram in our minds that if I act spontaneous my wife won’t go along with it. A lot of women might read this and think my husband is never spontaneous. However I would challenge many women to ask their husbands if they often feel rejected when they try to be spontaneous. I think you would find that a lot of men feel, that when they are spontaneous their wife won’t follow their lead. This often leaves us feeling deflated and lost. Have you ever said to your husband, you just aren’t romantic anymore? You used to do these romantic gestures and now you never do? You see, when we are in the dating phase most women will let the man lead out of respect. Then when the new wears off many women try to take over the leadership role. Many women don’t understand that the reason their men stop leading or being romantic is because they stopped allowing him to lead!
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Josh,
I LOVE this!
Thanks for sharing!
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Put your foot down? That’s just sexist, and maybe even a little misogynistic.
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CHris,
thanks for your comment! I know that in our culture, talking about a husband being the head of the home or the God-given leader sounds really strange.
The purpose of this blog is to uphold God as the Creator of people and of marriage and His Word as the source of truth.
I COrinthians 11:3 “the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of CHrist is God.”
The design God lays out is that men and women are both to be submitted to Him – dying to our own wills, our wisdom, our desires, our plans and ourselves. And we are to live for His will, His glory, His wisdom, His desires, His plans and His purposes.
Out of that context, husbands are to lead their wives and care for their wives – protecting them, providing for them, seeking God’s best for them, serving them selflessly, laying down their own lives for their wives.
When a husband leads like that – it is a joy and delight for the wife to cooperate with his leadership and it is easy for her to respect him.
To the world – this design sounds like oppression. But when believers in Christ obey Him – obedience to God’s Word actually brings life, joy, peace and the power of God.
Thanks for your time!
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Do you know what a feminist is? Your statement about a “femininis saturated” culture is incredibly insulting to all women. A feminists is someo e who believes women should have the same rights as men as far as earning potential, education, a voice in politics, etc. It’s not about bra burning. Anyone whose not a neanderthal would see that as a Han right.
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Lori,
It is wonderful to meet you. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing your concerns. There are different definitions of feminism and feminists. So that I may understand your perspective more clearly, please – what is your relationship with Christ?
There are some wonderful things that some feminists have done. There were injustices against women that were very wrong. Some women were being truly abused and mistreated. Abuse is always wrong and sinful in God’s eyes. God desires all people to be treated with respect, love, and kindness. I am thankful for equal treatment of women and for women being given rights as people. It’s wonderful that women have the opportunity to be educated and to vote. I am a pharmacist myself, finished pharmacy school a year early on a full scholarship which God graciously provided.
But there are also a lot of very unbiblical ideas that are promoted by quite a few prominent feminists (many of whom are atheists) that I cannot ignore that have done great damage to our understanding as a culture – even in the church – of God, the authority of the Bible, the authority structure of the church, the authority structure of the home, and the definitions of masculinity, femininity, marriage, and family.
For more about this, please check out The Danvers Statement.
Another great resource is Radical Womanhood – Feminine Faith in a Feminist World by Carolyn McCully. She was a hard core feminist in college and majored in women’s studies. Then she came to Christ and began to question everything feminism had taught her in light of the Bible. She traces the history of feminism in our country and shares the beliefs of many of the leaders of the first, second, and third waves of feminism. They are, for the most part, not at all in line with the Bible. That is a problem for those of us who want to live for Christ. Here is her page.
May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your life. 🙂
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I would like a comment with a situation that my wife and I have been going through for several years,
As the only “Christians” in my large family (siblings)
This particular situation , has brought division and heart ache, to the point where it’s given “Christians” a bad name,
I should warn you that it’s a very controversial topic,
(nothing bad or anything like that, it has to do more with
Gods laws and commandments and a husband’s leadership, where a wife refuses to follow her husband.
Sincerely yours,
Vance
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If I did not comb my husbands’s hair, remind him to brush his teeth (sometimes), shave his neck, put his jeans in the hamper after 4-5 days, he would go around looking like a SLOB. He admits this; he does not care much about his physical appearance. He showers….but the rest is boring detail work to him.Sometimes wives need to act like mommies in this department. After 45 years of marriage, neither of us is going to change on this one!
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Grooming Granny,
Thanks for your comment!
If your husband WANTS you to do those things and actually asks you to or tells you he appreciates your reminders and your help – that might work.
If you are forcing your help on him – that is where things can get dicey and feel disrespectful to a man.
About the picking up clothes on the floor- I don’t mind picking up my husband’s clothes. It’s one way I can serve him. He actually gets most of them in the hamper! But it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t sometimes.
Thanks so much for the comment! Praying for God’s greatest glory in your marriage! 🙂
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Hi I’m Reggie and my wife disrespects me daily I truly feel that all women are this way but black women takes this to a unbelievable level black are being dogged so much even when they get a good man they tare him down until he is nothing while telling everyone they can’t find a good man .crazy but true
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It also says in the Bible numerous times you can have slaves: Leviticus 25:44-46: “Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.”
I came across this site by accident and wow, what you just said is very disturbing. The fact that most of you take verses from a book that was written by man 4,000 years ago this literal, is both ignorant and mind blowingly naive.
I believe in love and respect for others, in caring for the good of man kind and I realize the wise words in Proverbs is a great book to live by, but this kind of fundamentalist interpretation is unhealthy.
I’m not sure I will see this posted because I know I just offended your very basis of belief, just know I was once in your shoes. Then I got a masters, took Physics of Astronomy, and learned just how insignificant we are out there. I look back and I realize how unbelievably narrow minded I was. It’s very scary how easily the mind is brainwashed.
By the way, I’m a married female who shares the workload and domestic duties equally, “submissive” should never be associated with a true loving marriage, I’m sad you feel that way.
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Amy,
Thanks for sharing your comments!
The New Covenant in Christ replaces the Law from the Old Testament – so there are many things that God gave to the Israelites before Jesus came that no longer apply now that we can come to God by grace and faith in the death of Jesus to make us right with God.
I’d like to invite you to read my About page. I’m a pharmacist, not uneducated by any means. I tried to control our marriage, thinking it was “equal” for the first 15 years we were married. I told my husband what to do, criticized him a lot, thought I knew best about everything, looked down on him… and I was really stressed, worried, afraid and lonely. My husband became more and more withdrawn and unplugged. What I thought was equality – was actually me trying to be in charge of everything, unfortunately.
Four years ago, I finally began to understand the masculine world of respect and how respect is much more important to most husbands than love. God dramatically changed me and then He dramatically changed my husband and our marriage – for the better!
The word submissive doesn’t mean to be a slave at all. It is more of the idea of a first mate on a ship and the captain. They both have many duties and responsibilities. They are both equally valuable as people. But the captain ultimately answers to those above him for the decisions made. The first mate has many opportunities to say what he believes should be done, and most of the time, the captain will probably agree. Or it would be similar to a vice president and president relationship.
Now, my husband helps me with lots of chores. Before, he would barely help me because of my critical, unthankful attitude.
We work as a team now. My husband has become the godly man I always knew he could be.
I feel very loved, cherished, protected and well-cared for. My husband feels strong and respected and trusted. It’s a win/win!
If we don’t agree on something, I allow him to make the final call because I know he will stand accountable to God for the leadership of our marriage. I have peace every day and joy – instead of the worry and fear I used to have. These past few years have been the best of my life.
So, please don’t feel sad for me at all. God has done miracles for me! And I am so thankful.
The universe speaks to the grandeur and omnipotence of God in His ability to create. It all points to the Creator.
We are so small and tiny, and yet God loves us in the most incredible ways.
It’s wonderful to meet you!
I appreciate your time. 🙂
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After 25 years of a very contentious marriage, reflection concerning respect is very valuable and could have produced a better marriage on both our parts. But the issue with young marriages is more about pride and partners wanting independence (a singleness of mind and body) which is in direct opposite of “marriage”. When it comes to the “courtship” so many mind games and lying that unravel with marriage, no longer can one hide who they truly are, time outlast the games. So … it is very difficult to follow a selffish person who lacks self control and the way that lack of self control and selffishness stays somewhat hidden is by “stonewalling”, lack of communication. The stonewaller will attempt to make you feel like you are losing your mind or make you feel like you are petty to ask and not just blindly trust. Frankly, am glad to be out of the marriage scene, in 25 years I put him through college, together, despite his pissing and moaning we saved enough to send all three of our daughters to college. 3 years after our divorce he is in $50K credit card debt has spent all his 401K and is no longer saving, so far I’m living within my means and paying my bills and continue to contribute 15% to my 401K. While married, the most I was ever out of work was when I took maternity leave for our 3 children. Contrast that to someone who couldn’t stand a person they were working for therefore quite his job and didn’t even look for 8 months while spent all our emergency savings. Follow who? Blindly trust? After marriage it became very apparant that the only reason he married was to have a steady stream of sex, other than that he didn’t have any goals for his marriage partnership. Respect? I did a lot of reading during my marriage, I grew personally, and I continue to do a lot of reading. My ex never picked up a book until we were divorcing, wow, he came complete without any extra input? Blindly follow that? PRIDE. I suppose that times, TV, culture, etc. has influenced so much of this as when I first got married you couldn’t get a credit card unless you had a very stable job, now self control (let alone being unselffish) on many fronts have flown out the window and it would be foolish to follow blindly regardless of whether you are male of female. If you can actually find anyone that is trying to follow the bible versus use it to justify their selffish actions and behaviors, you have found a jewel. Who wouldn’t want someone to be rubberstamping our ever thoughts and following us around like a puppy dog? But, seems like following in that manner leads one to kicking the puppy, finding one who has a different heart, to lead sacraficial and unselffishly again is a big challenge. From a woman’s perspective, I’d follow that kind of man but that is not the kind of man we are being accused of not following hence not respecting. We are being asked to follow selffish, immature, arrogant, and prideful men that lack, many times, self control.
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Thank you for sharing your heart and story, Nancy. It is a pleasure to meet you!
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Wow this just might change my whole marriage I’m so glad I came across this..thank you for blogging this
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I actually came to your site as I was seeking for advice on “dying to self” while not feeling like a martyr, but then I found some other posts as well. I feel no need to go into the Costco story — it has been beaten to death, and Daniel has explained that he does not justify his behavior several times. I do wonder, however, what your take on the “mommy” situation (disrespectful attitude #1) is when ADHD is mixed in. We did not know this when we married, but my husband has ADHD. He lived with his parents (the economy was bad at the time, and he was a fairly recent graduate), so I didn’t really get to see him on his own, so you can blame me for making a bad choice in marriage if you’d like, but we are married now, and I’d like to make it work — not just because I believe it is important, but because I really do love him. That said, it has become apparent over the years, and confirmed with his ADHD diagnosis, that he is forgetful and often focuses on things that fascinate him and not necessarily things that are good for our family. I really don’t want to be a nag. I REALLY don’t want to act like his mother — it’s not good for either of us in our marriage. But frankly, if I don’t ask him things, sometimes multiple times a few minutes apart, such as “Will you please take the trash out?” and then, after he has agreed, wandered around the house for a while, and not done what I asked, “Honey, did you take the trash out yet?”, these things would not get done, and I cannot do everything (this would be one reason I struggle with feeling like a martyr). This may be outside your realm of expertise — this blog assumes, I think, that the husband is “normal.” But I really do wish that Christian marriage blogs would acknowledge oddities, such as ADHD, that can make the normal “rules” of marriage more challening. I’d be grateful if you or another blogger would tackle this sort of topic. Thanks.
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Thanks so much! I will definitely read Married to Distraction.
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I am confused why you think having an equal marriage is what causes problems. Obviously being a criticizer or controlling wife is not going to help any marriage. But neither is having a husband who controls either. I personally would find such treatment belittling and a return to the patriarchy that mistreated wives and daughters for the past 2,000 years of Christian history. Marriages aren’t about one voice, but two people making a life together. And to think that women should allow a man “to lead” her would be a mistake. I find it amusing how equality is seen as feminist saturated society. This is the type of thinking that will lead us back to a world where women aren’t allowed to vote, work, or having any life without the rule or control of a man. Very unhealthy and misleading blog. And people wonder why religion is starting to lose membership…
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Rebecca,
Thank you so much for your comment.
Here, it is my goal to uphold God’s Word and His design for marriage.
I thought I was living an “equal” marriage for over 14 years in our marriage. But, if you read my about page, you will see that I actually always thought I knew best and tried to force my husband to do things my way – and my husband became more and more unplugged and passive.
It was not until I learned that he needs and values respect the same way that I need and value love that our marriage began to become what I had always hoped it would be. I believe that the Bible is the source of absolute truth. If you don’t believe that, you are probably going to hate my blog. But when I began to do things God’s way and learned to honor my husband and trust him instead of constantly belittle him and put him down – I began to experience God’s peace and joy. And, my husband and I began to have intimacy on every level the way I had longed for.
Husbands are not to be passive and unplugged, nor are they to be controlling tyrants in God’s design. And wives are not to be controlling, nor are they to be empty-headed doormats in God’s design.
Men and women are of completely equal value before God. Men are not “better” and women are not “better.”
But God designed marriage to be primarily a living picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. The husband is to represent the love, self-sacrifice, humility and servant-leadership of Christ to his wife and family. The wife is to represent the respect, honor, cooperative spirit, trust and faith of the church in relation to Christ to her husband and family.
Interestingly, when men feel honored and respected, they usually desire to serve those who honor them. Most husbands WANT to see their wives happy. Most husbands would do almost anything for their wives if they knew she would be delighted. So as a wife learns to respect her husband in ways that are meaningful to him and learns to trust him and expect the best from him (unless he has SERIOUS problems – then she would need godly, wise counsel) – most husbands become stronger and more godly men.
Our power as wives is not in our negativity but in our smiles, our faith, our encouragement, our praise for what is good, our support, our adoration. These are the powerful tools God gave women to inspire their men to greatness.
When I stopped trying to carry the weight of our whole family on my shoulders (which left me very anxious, stressed, afraid and overwhelmed) – and allowed my husband to lead – it brought me freedom, peace, joy and weightlessness – not oppression.
I encourage wives to share their feelings, their ideas and thoughts and all of their personalities, strengths, abilities and talents. I do not EVER endorse being a “doormat.” But I teach wives to communicate their ideas and desires with their husbands in ways that their husbands can best hear and respond to.
Women who honor their husbands actually get what they want MUCH more often than women who are disrespectful, arrogant, controlling or resentful. Both the husband and wife have authority and power in the marriage much like a king and queen. The husband has “positional authority” given to him by God. And the wife has “influential authority” given to her by God. The power of influential authority is often greater than the power of positional authority.
Ultimately, God is glorified when wives respect their husbands and honor their leadership and when husbands love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it.
The same God who said “husbands must love your wives” said “wives must respect their husbands” and “wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord.” If a husband asks his wife to sin, she must resist him. Submit means to “rank under” like a first mate on a ship and a captain. They both have enormous responsibilities but ultimately the captain answers to those above him for every decision that is made on the ship. In the same way, husbands will ultimately answer to God and give an account for the way they love and lead their families to honor God.
First both husband and wife are to totally submit to Christ. Then because of their love and reverence for Jesus, they obey His Word and glorify Him with the way they live out marriage.
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This is a beautiful, comprehensive, loving response. Bravo!
May God richly bless you for your adherence to the absolute truth of His Word.
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This blog sounds all to familiar to me, my husband is a very Godly man. And I show him all the love and affection I could possibly show him. After reading his blog out has showed me that I have been trying to act like the mother figure he has never had. He says I do not respect him, and I’ve disagreed a million times. But when it comes down to it, I haven’t been the respectful wife I’m suppose to be. I’d love some daily guidance on how to be the wife God wants me to be, not only for honoring Our Heavenly Father but as well as for my husband and myself.
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I have previously left a comment in regards to the loving way that I treat my husband. I want him to love me. I want him to be thoughtful, romantic, try to understand me as a woman, listen and respect me. I can not ask him to do any of this for me, if I am not doing it for him. Our marriage is our first priority. Everything else is below it.
I leave him “just because” notes. twice a month. I also give him gifts to say thank you.
One of his favorite things is chocolate. When he tries to do things for me and work on projects whether simple or complex or whether or not he knows what he is doing. I show recognition of his all of his efforts by hugging and kissing him, doing something that he likes. There are hundreds of ways to say thank you. Even if it is as simple as buying him his favorite chocolate bar at leaving it at his computer with a note telling him that I appreciated what he did. Sometimes I will walk up behind him when he is working on the computer and give him a quick hug and say, “I was thinking about how lucky I am to have you”.
My husband jokingly asked me about him taking the lead after 11 years of marriage. I just looked at him, as I have no desire to be lead. He response was, “I thought so”
I am not submissive, nor could I ever be. We take turns in leading in the areas of our expertise. The majority of the time we talk about what the best of action would be regarding this or that.
We have very few issues or problems. If there is something on our minds we talk about it. Romance is still very much alive. We are very much individuals with our own interests.
We are not Christians it is not our way. But if something works, there is no need to change the formula. No matter where the source comes from. Thank you for letting me post.
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Daniel, you are so full of yourself and you don’t have a clue. You hide behind religion to excuse your abusive behavior towards your wife. The 5 things you mentioned are not about respect. If you said she insulted you in public constantly that would be disrespect. Not following you in a store. You don’t own her. She can watch whatever she wants, who are you to tell someone what to watch. Your replies don’t make sense. You say the Costco thing was a one time event. If so, then why even mention it. You need professional help and or you are in denial. The things you described are controlling behaviors on your part, whether or not your wife agrees with it. I noticed that you didn’t reply to the harsher comments. Is this because you had no defense and you know they were true? There are bigger issues to be angry about and maybe if you stop picking on every little thing your wife does she might be more “respectful”. If she is showing R rated movies to the kids then you can “put your foot down” and say don’t show them that. But, you did not say what program it was or if it involved kids. It it does not affect you or your kids, what do you care what she watches. She will actually be a better, more respectful wife if she feels you don’t judge her. If you put down her favorite TV show, she will feel as though you are calling her stupid and not trusting her judgement .
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Kate, thank you for your frankness. I will try to respond to each of your points.
“The 5 things you mentioned are not about respect. If you said she insulted you in public constantly that would be disrespect.”
My goal of this post was to highlight some of the more subtle forms of disrespect that can easily be missed. Sure, there are bigger forms of disrespect, like repeatedly insulting someone in public, but those are more obvious and not so “unwitting”.
“Not following you in a store. You don’t own her.”
Of course I don’t own my wife. The issue with the Costco incident wasn’t really that she wouldn’t follow me. When she asked me “Where are you going?” it was in a tone of voice that turned it from a question to an accusation. In fact, I felt she must have thought I was a complete idiot for going about things in the wrong order.
“If she is showing R rated movies to the kids then you can “put your foot down” and say don’t show them that. But, you did not say what program it was or if it involved kids. It it does not affect you or your kids, what do you care what she watches”
The show was Glee, which was getting to be very aggressive in promoting an agenda we don’t agree with. And yes, me putting my foot down was due to the fact that I didn’t want our children exposed to that. This is the only time I’ve ever had to put my foot down on something, and my wife has since put her foot down on something I was doing as well. It’s not like I go around ordering my wife around all of the time.
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i don’t know how no. 1 makes men feel disrespected? i have never experienced it from my wife. lol
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I am new on your blog and really interested in this topic. I wedded about six months ago but we have stayed together for only two weeks due to the nature of his work – one week after the wedding and another week in April. It has not been easy and I think that we have both disrespected each other in some way. You keep on talking about wife respecting their husband and husbands loving their wives. Personally, I would rather be respected by my husband than him “loving” me without respect. How can a man say that he loves his wife if he does not respect her but does things which are disrespectful to her?
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Rhoda,
I only write for women. So I don’t talk about what men should do. But generally, men tend to think and act according to the concept of “respect” and women tend to think and act according to the concept of “love.” Most men would prefer respect over love if they had to choose (Love and Respect by Dr, Eggerichs). Most women would choose love over respect if they could only have one.
But, ideally, in a godly marriage – both husband and wife would give love and respect.
What was your relationship like before you got married? How did your husband treat you then?
What does he say he wants now?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
Was he abused or does he have a lot of baggage from his past relationships or childhood?
What was your parents’ marriage like?
What have your previous experiences been like in romantic relationships?
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My husband just told me to start reading your blog to scold me about the way I treat him and prove to me that I am disrespectful. I was glad to see this is a true Christian Blog and there is in fact information on how a husband is to love and care for his wife and maybe he will see and read some of that!. I know how difficult respect can be under a man who has no idea what the Bible actually says about marriage, his favorite verse is the submission portion but he takes it WAY out of context deleting the part about submission to our Lord and Father! With that being said I am finding it harder and harder to really submit and follow his lead. He leads from behind then blames me for decisions made that he would not make, I l hear how disrespectful I am and how I never should make decisions w out him…what am I to do when he is an absentee husband? Life does have to go on deadlines have to be met on some things. His idea of me respecting him is coming home after work( I work several jobs and he works 1 part time job) cooking him dinner, doing his laundry cleaning house and then having sex at crazy hours of the night. I am exhausted and the past few years have just kind of stopped doing all the things he wants me to do. I know it makes for a difficult marriage but I am tired and don’t get any love , kindness or gentleness…He says he loves me but threatens me with divorce all the time…how am I to follow a man like this? I don’t come from divorce and do not want a divorce but sometimes I feel like I am in a dictatorship type leadership …it is defiantly not one of love and sacrifice… . as I read your blog I know I am becoming a woman of disrespect and don’t want to be this woman how should I go about being respectful? I am exhausted which puts me in a bad mood and not feeling like being around him. I know God can make a miracle happen it has been over 10 years…help me find what is needed to turn this marriage around!
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Wow I can truly say that this post probably caused more picking than what you thought Daniel. I feel sorry you having to continuously apologize for something that happened years ago. If you haven’t learned I dont know what would teach you after all of this! lol But I believe that you have. I believe that you have a quality that alot of men dont, to be able and willing to put your stuff out there that is really none of anybody’s business and allow them to pick it apart, and then humble yourself and have the courage to continue to stick with it. Its amazing the things that God would allow us to go through to strip us of pride to get us where we are called to be. Pride will not glory in His presence. I pray that you and your wife will soar to new heights together as one but in the perfect order that God ordained and purpose for a marriage. Keep your head up and dont forget what God told you about the situation. Im sure that you have realized by now that when people read your post for the first time they get a fresh reaction from it even though its oh so old! The fact is women all over have been hurt and abused and you are a target to attack to get back at the people that have hurt them. But hopefully the seemingly stubborn and merciless women have had some light shone on them from some of the women that have gotten results from doing it the Godly way and having an unbiased point of view about your situation. Some women though, may have a selfish prideful husband like a post above mentioned, ill tell you right now, you have to be a praying wife and Jesus will truly have to be Lord of your life because you wont make it without that! Submit your husband to God in that case and do what ever God tells you to do for your position. Other than that Also if any of the furious women previously mentioned above, you would benefit greatly to forgive the men that have hurt you in your past, if not you will see every man through what your abusers did. Dont let that prevent you from embracing future relationships. Truly get into your Word and prayer because the Holy Spirit will reveal great things full of Wisdom to you. God loves you with such an awesome love but guess what, he loves the men with the same kind of love. As they have faults, we have faults as well. The best thing that we can do is ask God to change us as wives because if we are busy waiting on them then you will never see peace. Sometimes we contribute more fuel to the fire than we may realize until God reveals yourself to you. Alot of times when they see change in us it will make them want to change (note every situation is different). You cant do it without God though we are a work in progress, Im a testimony of how hard it is to submit your flesh, but when I have done it, I seen great results in my husband. Women we can set a standard and tone for our marriage in the Godly way. Now of course this would be better if your man even wanted to change, sometimes all God needs is a “want” in your husband. Sometimes the wife or husband would have to start this process first and pray that their spouse would get the hint. Just like Paul saying that your spouse would be won over by your behavior. This is not only in terms of saved and unsaved because the fact that we are not perfect there may be other area that we may need to be won over in even as christians. By the way, thanks April for taking your time to have this blog, it really gives women the space to sort out thoughts and concerns about marriages and encourages us to keep going if we are willing to apply the advice posted on this site and get proven results from yourself as well as other wise women.
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Sable,
You are very welcome!!!!
This post got much more attention than any of us ever imagined. I pray that every post might be a blessing to women and to marriages for God’s glory.
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I am a man in a situation very similar to those described, my wife has said on numerous occasions that she wants me to lead, when I step up she either belittles me or questions my every decision. This has been going on for about 3 years now, I love her but I question whether or not this marriage will last.
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When I try and talk to her she will say that I am being overly sensitive and I will get over it. Its funny I stumbled on to this site after searching for wife has no respect for husband, after reading many of the replies I am glad I did
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Bill,
Most wives who are disrespectful SERIOUSLY have no idea they are hurting and wounding their husbands. Most women don’t really know what respect and disrespect even mean to men. The concept of respect for husbands has been pretty much destroyed and long dead in our culture. 😦 Sadly. I also have a Youtube channel “April Cassidy” – and I give wives as many resources as I can to explain how painful disrespect is to men, how significant a man’s need for respect is – as powerful as our need for love from our husbands. And I teach women the power of godly femininity, respect and biblical submission. If she would like to contact me, she certainly is welcome to.
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I had told her that she wasn`t showing me any respect and her answer was because she doesn`t respect me. Then she will chuckle and say you will get tired of this and leave, or say I would have more respect for you if you would just leave…. I apologize for dumping my problems it just feels so good to be able to let this all out. Being with (her) I have withdrawn so far into myself, whereas I would be the life of the party so to speak, now I am the grim faced person sitting in a corner looking miserable.
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Bill,
Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
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Hi I read your post…very helpful. Ive been married for 12 years. Two nights ago, I fought with my in laws..I spoke up but now my husband says I disrespect him in front of his family. ..so how does a wife fix it? He said I officially “declaw him”. Help!
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Van,
Great question!
Please allow him to handle his own family issues and trust and respect that he is a grown man capable of handling himself in his relationships. And simply apologize from the heart.
“You are right, honey. I was disrespectful towards you. I am SO sorry. I don’t want to do that anymore. I know you can handle your own family. I will apologize to them, too, if you would like me to.”
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Van,
Oh!!!!!! And do not explain why you were disrespectful! Just apologize sincerely and briefly and stop!!!! 🙂
Let me know how you are doing!
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From your blog I’ve learned that marriage is not a human contract but a spiritual contract with God. I’m now very careful about who I will chose to marry. Thank you.
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Peacefulwife, why can’t all wives who go to church weekly be like you? My wife and I are going through what you’ve gone through and she attends church, but I don’t really think she gets it. As for myself, I am currently not in touch with religion and have been reading up on Buddhism just to find a path. I’m a firm believer of logic and common sense so I find a lot in common…it just makes more sense to me at the moment. Anyways, I think everything you’ve discussed about your rough patches and things on this article are spot-on. What I would just like to add is that nobody, especially men, like to be controlled and picking their clothes to wear, being condescending, asking for our opinion and putting it down, putting rice on our plates, doing small things that we can easily do may not seem like a big deal but it is and it is very disrespectful. It is a sign of being a controlling person. The wife has to know what type of personality her husband is, and if he’s a do-er like me, then controlling things he can do so easily will push him away or will ignite tempers. There’s a fine line w/ being controlling vs. turning off the light when you both leave the room or filling the water pitcher when it’s empty.
If you have the time, I would really appreciate if you can just talk to her. She needs somebody to talk to, and even though she has sisters and friends, they don’t have experience or maturity to give her good advice (I don’t know if she does talk to them or if she’s gotten advice from them so I’m not just saying this because I’m in disagreement w/ them). At this moment, I just can’t talk to her because I’m just not that type of person and I know I have a guard up that I’m not going to be able to let down w/ her at this time. The problems have just been going on for too long that being apathetic is much easier than dealing with the drama. We’ve tried a few marriage therapies, had conversations w/ a priest, and nothing seems to be working. We’re both Roman Catholics and she was gung-ho about me going to church weekly w/ our kids, but like I said earlier I’m looking for a path and her trying to force me just makes it worse. I think she might have stopped going regularly, but I haven’t asked her and I don’t think I will either.
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Neil,
That is a fantastic question.
I am going to give you the short answer, my friend:
The Christian church has veered FAR FAR away from God’s Word and His commands for us as believers in Christ and His design for masculinity, femininity, marriage, the Lordship of Christ, dying to self, and most of the basic fundamental principles that Jesus Christ taught and lived. We have been so tainted by the world, that we act and look and think just like the world today. It is tragic. 😦
But – God is able to wake us up. He woke me up 5 years ago and showed me that I was not the “best Christian wife ever” like I thought I had been for over 14 years. He revealed to me that I had a MOUNTAIN of sin in my own eye, not just a 2X4. I had so much PRIDE, self-righteousness, disrespect, idolatry of self and being in control, bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, etc… filling up my soul that my old sinful nature was clearly in charge, not God’s Spirit.
For a wife to be a truly godly wife, she must live in obedience to God’s Word and in the power of God’s Spirit. That is how the “normal” Christian life is supposed to be. But the past few generations of believers dropped the ball big time and left us a most ungodly and worldly legacy. Thankfully, God is waking many of us up to see how far we have strayed from His truth, the Bible and His narrow path and He is beginning a Great Awakening among His people.
I’d love to talk with your wife. Real contentment, joy and peace is only found in Jesus and in living the way He commands us to live. This is not something we can do in our own power, but it is something He can give us the power to do when we yield our lives fully to Him and submit to Him as Lord of all in our lives. Then He is free to work to change us radically for His glory.
Many times, wives cannot/will not hear their own husbands, but – sometimes hearing from another wife can be the thing that God uses to help wake us up. Although, there are times when God uses a husband, or a book.
The book that God used to open my eyes to my sin was Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. You may want to suggest reading it together. It is very balanced about how God designed marriage and what husbands and wives need according to the Bible in Ephesians 5:22-33.
I pray that you might find Christ. There is every reason for hope in Him, my friend! 🙂 He is able to give us forgiveness for all that we have done wrong in God’s sight and He is able to make us right with God and make us to be like He is.
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Your comment makes sense, but as a husband that read this because I feel all these things your dismissing the facts. Ill speak for myself when I say I don’t need to be questioned. When I met my wife she wanted me to make all of the decisions so I did, once we got married all of that changed, and once we had a baby; well the above story is more true than ever. So even though your comment makes sense, you, just as my wife are dismissing our “my” feelings and that to me feels disrespectful
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I have been patient for several years with what some people might consider abuse, others just consider it being weak. I don’t like to argue with my wife and she likes control of everything! My 7 year old daughter recently asked me why mommy yells at me so much……I did not know how to respond. She said to be strong……maybe that is they key, be strong and stand your ground. Are we abused because we have given our wives that right and they take full advantage of it?
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Wedge,
I am sorry things are so difficult. :(. Many times, when wives are controlling, it has much more to do with their own fear and living as if they have to make things all work out instead of knowing how to trust God. Most wives don’t like being controlling and disrespectful, they just don’t know any other way to be. It is a very stressful, anxious, lonely way to live. I pray God might give you wisdom to lovingly, gently and firmly address some of these issues in a way that she knows you love her, but understands how much her actions, words and attitudes are damaging you and the marriage. Some husbands talk about this on the comments at the top of my home page on the post “When She Surrendered.”
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well…. i was reading this and i do mean ALL of this (took me about 45 minutes), i have a few things to say.
but before i begin:
1. i am not a christian but that is neither here nor there, as i did not come to speak beliefs but ideals.
2. my perception of a marriage may have different views than yours because of the omitted belief in the biblical god
3. that perception sometimes leads to the same results (i.e. 2+2=4, but also 8/2=4), so please do not be angered at the thought of me replying to these posts…
4. i am going to be typing this quickly and as such may be punctuated wrong or not capitalized where it should be. i will leave that to you for understanding.
ok here we go.
as a man i do tend to like it when a lady trusts in my decision. i do agree as stated by others men like to surprise you in an attempt to see you happy from the efforts applied. if you have decided to be with him this whole time, then i want you to believe in your man’s will to do well for you. i do not mean you should submit everything. but do have an understanding all of you as self respecting women would not have continued to date him, let alone marry him – if he wasn’t trying to do the right thing for both of you (and kids?)
i do like a lady to have a mind of her own or i would do no better being with my own self. i also value the opinion of my other half. however, one of the things i absolutely cannot stand for the life of me: when i am trying to do something i find conveniently good for the better of things and before i have even shown my actions i am misplaced as a horrible decision maker. did you honestly fall in love with a completely incompetent man? i doubt you would as you ladies i believe to be too smart for that. even more so this act is amplified when committed in public . not only is the notion of being called a fool, but now others can now look upon this lack of communication and failure. in a society in which men are driven with ever ending ferocity to succeed or die trying, we men have been instilled with the belief we have to lead the fight for the better of things or step aside as a laughing stock. this may not be the reality of the matter. however, this is the perception of things. i may not mean faith the same way you do – but have faith in your competent man to at least try to do the right thing!
i honestly believe that all of you, man and woman alike are amazing people for having disagreements with each other as to what have you but eventually coming to a very peaceful way to resolve things. while i do not believe it is all because of your faith, it is only because i believe all people are capable of this regardless of what you believe spiritually.
on another note… as a man i want to feel needed. this is not just sexually. i am sure that some of you may or may not think this but i will place a disclaimer. as a man, i do like the act of sex. in fact i love it – with certain limitations of course. but i mean to need the man you are dating… a man never forgets the feel of true love and being actually needed. ladies, while you may not see it the same as i do – no one can make it in this world alone, nor should we want to. we are human beings. with a desire to get together and communicate, love, laugh, play, and even procreate. we are driven by these things as a species. to deny the thought you need someone else… to believe you can conquer any problem you shall face alone with no help is a false one. i am sure that you too will always love the feeling of being called upon. it means that you are valued. we like it too.
so do not be afraid to call upon your man when you need help. we as men do respond in kind.
love one another. and good luck
Paul
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Paul,
I am amazed that you read every comment! Wow!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think they are very helpful.
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your welcome and thank you for having me on your site
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To me, it seems like a lot of people’s disagreement about the husband’s role stems from the american culture of equality between the sexes. This is all that’s taught and whether of not it makes sense religiously, women want to be treated as equals to men. OK, but then why is it that I’m supposed to treat you like a “lady”? If everything is supposed to be equal, then you shouldn’t expect that and you shouldn’t get angry or express your frustration when you don’t receive it. I’m not saying totally disrespect women but you shouldn’t expect special treatment just because you’re a woman.
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The difference in marriage is, a husband doesn’t make laws for his wife. In relationships, there should be compromise. We are told to submit to each other; Husbands are to lay down their lives for their wives; We are both told to respect each other; Husbands are told to live with their wives in an understand way and to love them as their own bodies. All of this would require compromise in a variety of situations.
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The only reason compromise is ever needed in a marriage is when you have opposing personalities. There’s a lot of things God told the wife to do as well. But for a husband, to AGREE with the mandate set by God……to lay down his life for his wife???…….that ALONE commands respect. And if she won’t give it to him, then she’s opening the door for more problems. Because reality says that sooner or later…..he’s gonna get tired of it. And it may lead him to find it elsewhere with someone who actually cares enough to understand that God NEVER meant for the man to be what SHE imagined. GOD intended for the man to be what GOD imagined. Everything in a marriage that’s important is governed by rules and principles. And if compromise means listening to a spouse rather than listening to God then both parties will be in trouble. This is part of the reason WHY so many marriages either fail or have unnecessary trouble…. TOO MUCH SELFISHNESS. What would it hurt a husband or a wife to forget about themselves and focus on the other? To Stop making excuses and do what EACH of you are suppose to do…..the WAY you are suppose to? Cause mostof the negative resresponses and replies I’ve read are simply that-excuses. 💏
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Damien,
Thanks for sharing your masculine perspective! I think it will be very helpful.
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Many people have commented here on some of the faults of this example. One thing I didn’t see in the comments, however, is the idea that young couples need to have healthy disagreements in order for both husband and wife to grow together. And if one person is constantly shutting the other down (and using the Bible to justify it) in an immature bid to demand “respect” then that growth won’t happen.
I’ve seen a few couples start off marriage with this outlook, and two of of four of those couples are divorced. One, after he insisted on “leading” her into having a child she wasn’t ready for (he insisted that as the husband his vision for the family was the only one that mattered, and she submitted despite her misgivings). Now, it is becoming obvious to the couple’s close friends that he is a raging narcissist, and this pattern of “obedience” just served to reinforce his pathology. No need to manipulate her – he just used the Bible to demand control. One couple has real issues, as he is constantly frustrated that she won’t “submit” enough, and she constantly feels unheard, and/or unimportant. The last seems happy, and it works for them.
Secondly, someone mentioned the verse on slavery, and as part of the response, someone separated Ephesians 5:21 from the following passages. I wanted to point out that those verses are all part of the same passage. Paul said, “submit to one another” in 5:21, and then went on to provide examples of different ways to do that in the next two chapters. My husband and I (both lifelong Christians), both take those verses as examples to the people of that time and place of HOW mutual and universal submission could work for them. I don’t think Paul was endorsing the current system of bridal sale and ownership any more than he was endorsing slavery (which, if we are consistent in our reading of the entire passage, would then be endorsed by Paul). Paul is not endorsing slavery in Chapter 6:5-8. Likewise, he is not saying that husbands have to be in charge of everything in 5:22. He is just saying “everyone, submit to others. This is what loving submission looks like,” and gives us some ways to do that. So we both do our best to love and respect each other, and to live that in everything we do. I defer to him, and he defers to me. He doesn’t feel “disrespected” when I question him, because he knows I’m not trying to disrespect him (and his ego isn’t that fragile). And I don’t feel offended when he asks me to do things, because…we’re married, and don’t you do things for the person you love? No ego to stroke, no need to follow blindly, and no need to walk on eggshells or worry that you will be “disrespected.”
God bless.
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Thanks so much, Daniel! Great explanation.
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As a wife, whose husband recently left because I did not know disrespectful I was-I will say that I GREATLY APPRECIATE this post. God has been showing me a lot about myself and while my husband did not take the time to be honest with me about how he felt-there were many moments where the Holy Spirit dealt with me about my attitude and I didnt catch it or respond. Husbands do have a Godly responsibility to allow Holy Spirit to help his ability to communicate and have a healthy relationship with God-but given that Respect and not sex is a mans number 1 need. It is high time for wives to submit to God, learn to respect HIM and then how to respect and enjoy our husbands. I am standing and believing God to restore and reconcile our marriage. I have repented and asked him for forgiveness-though he doesnt believe I will change. God is faithful, and has given me a word to Trust Him, So I am. I appreciate your prayers. God bless yall & thank you!
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Chloe,
It’s wonderful to meet you! I am SO sorry to hear how difficult things are right now. I pray for God’s healing for both of you and for your marriage.
I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart! The humility you are showing and your willingness now to seek to learn to honor God and your husband are so beautiful. I have seen God transform many broken situations when a wife begins to approach God and her marriage this way. 🙂
It will take a lot of time for your husband to believe that this is real. I have many posts here that I believe will inspire and bless you on this journey. Please let me know how you are doing! I wish I could hug your neck!
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Thank you April, I read that other post-it was great. I really appreciate your encouragement! Its really tough though-because he is moving quickly to divorce, he has started the filing with an attorney. But God keeps reminding me to trust Him. I will stay focused on God’s plan and have chosen to forgive his actions and his role. God IS Faithful.
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Chloe,
Our God is a God of miracles! I pray you will Continue to seek Christ wholeheartedly and seek to walk in obedience to Him. We will trust God to speak to and work in your husband as you focus on becoming the godly woman and wife Jesus desires you to be.
Please let me know how you are doing or if there are issues you want to talk about!
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Chloe,
Please check out Catherine’s comments on the post from earlier this week “Wasting Myself.” Her husband left her in January of this year, and she began this journey around that time, I believe. He returned a few weeks ago – and God has done some amazing things in her heart and in their marriage.
Might be an inspiration to you. 🙂
Also,
You can search my home page for
– peaceful separated wife
Much love!
April
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What do I do when my husband disrespects me in front of our children? Telling them horrible things about me?
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DElder,
That is not good!
I would love for you to take him aside and ask him to please not disrespect you – and maybe share how much you long for the children to see you both respecting one another. Praying for wisdom for you!
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Just read this remark. Your missing the whole point. Its a union yes….but the first point is order. Then leadership. The husband cannot lead or set some boundaries if the wife is constantly going against him. If what he’s trying to do is wrong then itsok to let him know so he can change his perspective. But ifhhe’s trying to do the right thing then let him. Neither spouse should have their way totally. God never meant for the man to be what the woman imagined. God intended for the man to be what GOD imagined. Stop fighting him……..and let him fulfill his role and responsibility as the head. Walk with him and help him as was designed. And he in turn should do the same.
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Dear April,
Why thank you so much for your kind reply. You didnt have to spend time to help me but you did. I will read the posts with thankfulness. I used to be a puppy but i figured out i have to set boundaries. I now have a place to draw inspiration from. Wish you God’s blessings and also Passover next week :)! In Yeshua Ha’Maschiach’s supreme Name amen.
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Helen,
You are most welcome. Yes, there are two extremes we can go to as wives – neither of which honor God. We can become too passive, too quiet, too respectful, and too submissive – giving up our personalities and influence in the marriage, seeking to please our husbands above God. Or we can become too dominant, too controlling, too disrespectful, etc… which is what I did.
May God richly bless your walk with Christ, my dear sister!
Much love to you!
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Amen kind sister thank you 🙂
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?helen,
Sending you the biggest hug!
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If you believe these women are “unwittingly” disrespecting their husbands, then I have a bridge I’d like to sell you. The pushback you are getting from so many wives here is proof of their unwillingness to follow the Biblical example. My wife is the classic example. Little miss goody-two shoes saint on Sunday, an undermining shrew the other 6 days.
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Don,
Some disrespect by wives is truly done out of ignorance. Some is purposeful, too. I know that for me, when God opened my eyes to my disrespect and control – I had no idea I had been disrespectful or controlling. I mean – I didn’t throw stuff, threatened divorce, assassinated my husband’s character, called him names, cussed at him, etc… So I was in total shock when God began to show me what respect and disrespect were really about. My parents didn’t talk about my disrespectful attitudes or call me out on disrespect or tell me to be respectful. My husband never told me I was disrespectful. I thought I was the best Christian wife ever. But, as you can see on my about page, I wasn’t.
There are a number of reasons why so many wives tend to be disrespectful now. But – it is time for us as women to seek to honor God and our husbands – even though we may not have had godly examples, and even though the culture is a culture of disrespect toward men, and even though we may not know what respect/disrespect means, and even though respecting our husbands and submitting fully to Christ go against our sinful nature. That is the purpose of my blog – to call women to be the godly wives and godly women God calls us to be – and to teach women what it really means to respect and honor our husbands and how to fully submit to Christ as Lord.
May God richly bless your walk with Christ and may He bring great healing to your marriage.
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Would like to know how to be a better wife to my husband
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Mary,
It is great to meet you! 🙂 I have many posts on this topic. Is there something in particular you are looking for? 🙂
Much love!
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Well said Carri. Being biblical means to treat ALL genders with respect. The Bible was written “for us” not “to us”
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Lisa,
I agree! Agape love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) respects everyone as people made in the image of God and seeks to treat everyone with honor, worth, and dignity.
Thanks so much!
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