When Your Husband Flirts with Other Women
A bit about me – I only write for women – so I am only going to talk about things that wives can change and control in this post. I am not an expert, a counselor, a psychologist or a pastor. What I write may be helpful – it may not be. Ultimately, you will need to pray and decide what God would have you to do in your particular situation.
I’m starting a discussion here, but if there are serious problems in your marriage, please seek godly, experienced help! (Actual infidelity, active addictions to drugs/alcohol, abuse, uncontrolled mental health issues – please seek help!!! Please don’t read my blog in these cases, but seek appropriate, experienced help.)
As wives, we cannot control our husbands. We can powerfully influence them. But we can’t change them. God is the One who is able to change people. And all people have free will. My goal is to point wives toward having Christ as Lord and toward obeying His Word and His beautiful design for marriage and to pray for healing for those who are hurting.)
FLIRTING IN OUR CULTURE
Our culture thinks nothing about married people flirting with others. It’s “not a big deal.” It won’t hurt anyone! That is what a lot of us believe, at least.
Each believer will have to pray and seek God’s wisdom and determine for himself/herself what boundaries God may desire them to have. My husband has his own convictions. I do not try to force my convictions on him or anyone else.
Very few people set out intending to have an affair.
It almost always starts as a friendship or close work relationship then proceeds slowly to flirting and confiding emotional details and problems – and then, before you know it, you are feeling unloved and lonely in your marriage and you have a man just waiting to “rescue” you and shower you with compliments, romance and attention – and then the emotional affair or sexual affair “just happens.”
It is a lot harder to “just happen” when we purposely attempt to stay away from compromising situations and provide no opportunity for the flesh!
MY PERSONAL CONVICTIONS ARE TO AVOID:
- private emails with other men
- long private phone conversations with men
- being alone with a man in a house or room with closed door
- private texting or Facebook chatting
- building close work relationships with men
- allowing men to disrespect my marriage by flirting with me
FOR WOMEN WHOSE HUSBANDS ARE FLIRTING WITH OTHER WOMEN
My heart BREAKS for you! I am SO SO SO SO SORRY for your pain! You have every right to feel righteous anger and jealousy about this. (The key is not to allow yourself to slip into sinful anger.)
Some things to possibly think about:
- I am not responsible for my husband’s sin. He will stand accountable to God for his behavior no matter what I do.
- I will stand accountable to God for my behavior and obedience to God no matter what my husband does.
If he is flirting – he may either already be far from God or he may be heading away from God. The farther a husband is away from God, the less impact his wife’s words will have on him. It is her behavior, kindness, respect, and godly lifestyle that will most convict him – as the Holy Spirit works in his heart. (I Peter 3:1-6)
I can INFLUENCE my husband and make sin more or less tempting for him by my own behavior. We are one spiritually, emotionally and physically in marriage. What I do affects him. What he does affects me.
The biggest question for me as a wife would be –
How can I conduct myself wisely in this situation, how can I seek to strengthen my marriage and how can I honor God in my marriage even as I am hurting?
There may be things I could do on my end of the equation depending on my answers to these questions. Of course – there can be times when a wife may do everything “perfectly” but her husband still sins. He has a free will. He can do that. If a man is determined to sin, a wife can’t stop him, just like a husband cannot stop his wife from sinning. Each person has the ability to choose his or her behavior. And when anyone chooses sinful behavior, they and everyone around them suffer and God is greatly grieved.
- My obedience to God and faithfulness to my husband do not guarantee me that my husband will honor our wedding vows.
- But my obedience to God and faithfulness to my husband DO please God no matter what my husband does.
Pleasing Christ and bringing glory to Him is my primary purpose in this life according to God’s Word.
I think a wife could maybe pray about her approach carefully then calmly, sadly and respectfully share her feelings and pain (These are some approaches that some wives have used – I don’t know if they may work for you – please seek God’s wisdom FAR above my suggestions and pray about what God might want you to say!!!):
- “Please do not flirt with other women.”
- “It is not ok with me for you to flirt with another woman.”
- “I am not going to tell you what to do. You are a grown man and you have the ability and right to decide how you want to live your life. I want you to know that when you flirt with other women, it hurts me deeply. I want you to honor and respect me and our marriage. If you continue to behave this way – I may need to do X.” (Please pray and seek God’s will about what action He would desire you to take if your husband continues flirting. Do you need to leave the house for a few hours? Do you need to respectfully pull away from him until he repents? Listen for God’s voice and His wisdom.)
- “It is really disrespectful to me and our marriage when you flirt with other women.”
- “I want to respect you and honor you and our marriage – your behavior with this woman makes it extremely difficult for me to continue to respect you the way I deeply want to.”
- When he approaches you for sex, “I want to be joyfully available to you sexually all the time. It is very hard for me to be vulnerable and trusting of you and to open myself up to you the way I want to when I feel so disrespected and dishonored by the way you have been flirting with so and so. I am so sad about this. I need to know that I am safe with you. I need to see that you are being accountable and transparent and willing to invest only in our marriage.”
- “Is there something you need from me that I am not giving you?”
- it’s possible there could be such severe situations that a wife may have to say, “I want to be the best possible wife for you. I want to honor and respect you. But I can’t be with you if you continue to do X. It’s up to you. I won’t try to force you to do anything. It is totally your call how you decide to act. But I want you to know that this is a boundary that I have to protect in our marriage. I will do what I need to do if you continue talking about having sex with/sexting with/behaving in such a sexual way with that woman. I expect you to treat me and our marriage with respect.”
Many times, if a husband feels greatly respected by his wife – that will make it less likely that he would want to flirt with other women. Of course, a wife cannot be responsible for her husband’s behavior, only for her own. A wife can certainly seek to honor her husband and God and the marriage covenant on her end. And she can pray for God’s Spirit to convict him and bring him to repentance.
WHAT DO I ACTUALLY HAVE CONTROL OVER HERE?
I would want to possibly ask myself some questions like:
- do I communicate that I desire my man in a way he really hears?
- do I generally show my husband that I accept him and am not trying to change him in our relationship?
- have I been withholding my body sexually from him? (I Corinthians 7:1-5 says it is wrong for one spouse to withhold sex from the other – that it invites temptation to the rejected spouse and opens a door for the enemy). God desires spouses to be sexually available to each other (unless there is infidelity or major health problems or we have agreed to abstain mutually for a short time to pray).
- do I communicate to my husband that he is strong, manly, powerful, respected and emotionally safe with me?
- do I smile at my husband often? Am I friendly?
- do I flirt with my husband (if he is receptive) and enjoy him?
- do I tend to take over control of the marriage or treating him like a little boy instead of a grown man? Do I think I have to lead because he can’t/won’t? Could I step down out of control and cooperate with him more instead of bossing and ordering him around? (Ephesians 5:22-33 = God’s design for wives to respect their husbands and follow the husbands’ God given leadership) If you struggle with trying to control your husband (like I used to), check out this post
- do I treat him with disrespect? (This is a LONG list of things for most men – it is surprising to many women all the things that can make men feel disrespected. This is important because men need respect like women need love!)
- do I treat him with respect in a way that is meaningful to him as a man?
- do I make an effort to make myself attractive for my husband (not just wearing a pony tail and sweats all the time and never shaving – for example) – could I fix my hair the way he likes it sometimes and do my makeup nicely for him to make him feel like I think he’s worth the effort? Could I dress in a feminine, beautiful way that he would enjoy? Am I eating a healthy diet and getting a reasonable amount of exercise? I am not saying we need to have surgery or implants or have anorexia or be a size 2 or obsess over our looks. But if we make NO effort to look attractive to our men, they could feel unimportant to us. Remember when you were dating, how you spent an hour or two dolling yourself up to impress your man? I doubt he expects you to spend 2 hours per day now, but 15-30 minutes might be a nice gift to give to him – to show you respect him and you respect yourself and take care of yourself.
HOW TO MOST POWERFULLY INFLUENCE A MAN
- In my experience, men only allow people they greatly admire and respect to influence their decisions.
If your husband doesn’t seem to care about your feelings – you may be able to influence his feelings by becoming a godly woman he can greatly respect and by showing respect for him for the good that you see in him. THEN – if you say that something hurts you – he will be so much more likely to care about your feelings and to desire to make things better. If you are already being respectful and he continues to disregard your feelings and continues to disrespect you, that is a problem. You may need to involve some help outside of the marriage like a trusted godly mentoring couple or trusted pastor.
IF A HUSBAND IS FLIRTING WITH OTHER WOMEN
He may not think it’s a big deal. He may think he’s just being friendly. A husband may have not really thought about possible negative consequences of flirting or he may think he “can handle” the temptation. Or he may not realize there could be a temptation.
This is a sin problem and he will have to be convicted by the Holy Spirit to be able to repent and seek reconciliation with God and with me. I am not the Holy Spirit and I can’t make my husband repent! I can respectfully tell him he has hurt me. That is an important thing for me to do. But I cannot force him to change.
I Peter 3 teaches us that when a husband is disobedient to God’s Word, a wife’s most powerful move is to be silent about spiritual things and about God, allowing God’s Spirit to speak to him directly without her interference. Yelling, nagging, preaching, lecturing, shaming, pouting, whining, demanding and criticizing are NOT generally effective methods to create motivation in men. It still comes back to respect.
My respect of what is good in him will do more to convict him than my contempt and condemnation ever could. My willingness to continue to seek to bless him, and to look for the good in him “will pile burning coals upon his head.” (Romans 12:9-21) I do NOT respect his sin! But I could find what is good and respect that. And I respect our covenant before God. The more godly I am (by God’s Spirit in me) and the less I sin against him, even when he is sinning against me, the more convicted he will likely feel of his own wrong behavior and the more loudly the voice of God will resonate within his soul.
I may have to confront him. If so, I will need to take care of any sin in my own life first (removing the “log” in my eye before addressing the “speck” in my husband’s eye – as Jesus commands.) But my confrontation should be done with self-control, manners and respect. There may be times when I need to confront his sin. Please see this post http://ninaroesner.com/resources/when-it-doesnt-work/ And please see this post about confronting our husbands.
If I sin against him because he was sinning against me – I am repaying evil for evil. Jesus says I can’t overcome evil with evil, I must overcome evil with good! (Romans 12:9-21) Jesus commands us to bless those who persecute us, pray for those who despitefully use us, you do good to those who do harm to us and love our enemies – so how much more should we love our husbands?
If I sin against him by berating him, emasculating him with words, raking him over the coals, attacking him, screaming hateful things at him, looking down on him, detesting him, rebelling against him, continually spying on him, expecting the worst of him, refusing to cooperate with his leadership and disrespecting him – he will be thinking about MY AWFUL BEHAVIOR AGAINST HIM. He won’t be thinking about his own sin. He’ll have plenty of ammunition to use against ME because of all the sin I’ve now committed against him. He’ll be thinking about how crazy I am, and how smothering and controlling and disrespectful I am instead of thinking about his own sin. When I keep sin out of my life by living by the power of the Spirit of God – all he will have to think about is the purity and respect I show him, my godliness and his sinfulness. THAT is how he will be convicted, ladies!
WHAT ARE MY GOALS IN MARRIAGE?
In my mind, the goals God desires us to acheive are things like:
- spiritual, emotional and physical unity and oneness
- bringing great glory and honor to Himself
- living out the very great mystery of Christ and His church
- drawing others to Christ through our marriage relationship
- being an example of the grace and mercy of Jesus
- meeting my husband’s needs for respect and for being the leader in the marriage and depending on Christ to meet my needs
- my holiness, not necessarily my happiness
- my obedience to Him
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Related posts:
Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin
Do I Condone Marital Rape or Abuse?
Portia’s Story – Winning Him Over without a Word
When Your Husband Sins Against You.
Handling Our Husband’s Visual Temptations.
Exploring the Depths of Bitterness
For Wives Addicted to Snooping and Trying to Control Their Husbands– please also read the comments
My Husband Doesn’t Deserve My Respect – Peacefulwife VIDEO
Biblical Submission Is Not Passivity (or Slavery)
BRENT RIGGS TACKLES THIS TOPIC
http://www.brentriggsblog.com/2012/08/marriage-man-or-hormonal-boy/
NINA ROESNER FROM THE RESPECT DARE
http://ninaroesner.com/resources/when-it-doesnt-work/
RESOURCES FOR PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION
and for pornography issues… www.xxxchurch.com help for wives of addicted husbands… http://www.xxxchurch.com/women/spouses/what-do-i-do-when-i-catch-my-husband-looking-at-porn.html
The Peaceful Wife 
What if your husband does not like this or find these styles attractive? He doesn’t prefer me to be scandalous but when I’ve tried to dress super modest he will tell me though he thinks I look pretty in anything, he likes when I wear things that show my figure a little more.. He prefers tighter shirts than lose ones and also does not like me to wear a one piece bathing suit. We are still young, but when I see people talk about modesty and honoring other men and your husband with modesty for me it’s tough bc my husband doesn’t like me to wear things like that
what would you say to this?
I’m interested and open to learn.
Thank you
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Emma,
That can be an issue for a lot of wives – our desire for modesty vs. a husband’s desire for us to dress in a more “sexy” way in public can create conflict in our hearts. We want to honor Christ above all. We want to please our husbands. Sometimes it seems impossible to do both.
This is something about which to pray. “Lord, You know my heart, how I long to honor You in all things. I don’t want to create a stumbling block for other men. I want to please my husband and honor You. Please provide a way for me to dress modestly and in a way that will not violate my conscious or create a stumbling block for other man and a way for me to please my husband, as well. Please give me Your wisdom and work in both of our hearts to accomplish Your glory.”
You can share your concerns with your husband – if he is a believer in Christ, perhaps something like this, “Honey, I want to look attractive to you. I also want to honor God by dressing in a modest way when I am around other men (and women – some women struggle with visual lust over other women, too). I can’t bear to think that something I might wear could be a stumbling block for someone who is trying to keep his/her thoughts pure. I don’t want to purposely trigger lust in others. It gives me heebie-jeebies to think about another man imagining having sex with me or picturing me naked. I don’t want to encourage that at all! Would you please pray about this issue, too, that we might have God’s wisdom? Thanks!” And then give him some time to think and pray.
If he is not a believer, you may not want to mention God or prayer. But you can talk about your concerns about how you don’t want to cause other men(/women) to lust after you and how you only want him to think of you in a sexual way and ask for his thoughts about how you might be able to do that.
Then continue to seek God’s wisdom and direction. He may change your husband’s heart. Or He may help you find swimwear that you can both agree would be appropriate.
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Emma,
PS, if he is a believer, you can respectfully, humbly, gently appeal to God’s commands to you in Scripture, as well.
“Honey, here is what I see God commands for women who are followers of Christ in 1 Timothy 2:9-10 “I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10 but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” I believe God will hold me accountable for how I dress around others in public. I want to honor your leadership. I know God will hold you accountable for the way you lead me, as well. What can we do to work together so that I can honor Christ, honor my body, show respect for others in public, show reverence for the gospel, and dress in a way that you would like? What are things that women wear that create the most difficulty for men who are trying to keep their minds pure? What are the biggest triggers for lust for men, in your view?”
Again, give him time to think about this. Don’t pressure him. He may never have really thought about it before. He may need days or a week or two, even, to think.
verses on modesty
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Wow April, what a beautiful response. You are very well voicing us women that understand that we are responsible for our own choices as Christian women. Love it. God knows the intentions of our heartands; it is not to make men feel weak, it is to make God say, ” This is my daughter with whom I am very pleased.”
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HappyMom,
I’m glad that was helpful. 🙂
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I very much think you can still show your figure for your husnand and be modest. How about a tankini?
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@Emma: I’m a guy and I never quite “understood” why other guys get a charge out of advertising their wife’s sexyness. To me, sexuality is a powerful attribute God gave us not to take lightly. It is sacred and we don’t parade the sacred around in the streets for a pat on the back. Christ tells us to pray and give alms without blowing trumpets before us because the act of giving is Holy and meant to glorify God, not ourselves. Likewise the nakedness of our bodies is meant to glorify God. I think a man advertising his wife is a lot like a wife telling her husband to wear a speedo to show off “his package.” Its tacky, vain, and serves no Holy purpose for any party involved.
Honestly, I would just tell your husband “I’m honored you are fond of my beauty, but my body is for the most privileged eyes only!”
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Love this, thank you, Joseph Riani! 🙂
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Hmm, well I think I would much prefer that women find a way to cultivate a bit of modesty in our heart and spirit, and to stop worrying so much about triggering someone’s lust. It is what is in our hearts that truly matters, not the alleged dictates of fashion.
I also think we have to find a way for men to differentiate between lust, coveting, and a perfectly normal and healthy sexual response. I think we needlessly shame men (and women too,) by acting as if the two are one and the same. We are wonderfully and fearfully made, in His image, and rather than accepting and celebrating that, we often act as if there is something wrong with us. I don’t know where that line is, men shall have to figure it out themselves, but there is a big difference between admiring the scenery and the beauty of human bodies, and coveting someone from a place of envy, objectification, and desired ownership.
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insanitybytes22,
My favorite definition of modesty is “humility in clothing.” Yes, if we are filled up with Christ, we will want to have a modest spirit, a humble spirit – a desire to point attention to God rather than to ourselves.
There is a difference between someone seeing and acknowledging that someone else is attractive vs. lust. I have a number of posts about that, if anyone would like the links. I am not advocating that we must all wear burkas. I am also not saying we are responsible for others if they lust after us. But we are responsible for dressing ourselves in a respectable way that is modest – according to Scripture. So we will want to watch our motives. Why do I want to wear this? Am I trying to get men to focus on certain parts of my body? Am I looking for attention for my body? Or am I seeking to honor Christ, my body, my husband, my marriage, and others?
Someone can lust after us even if we are dressed quite modestly. We are not responsible for what others do or think, but we are responsible for presenting ourselves with dignity, honor, and respect and we are responsible for not intentionally setting a trigger in front of others.
Ultimately, it is our motives that matter – our desire to please, honor, and reverence Christ and to bless others and to encourage and uplift them. 🙂
Thanks for sharing.
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My favorite definition of modesty is “humility in clothing.”
Yes, but it’s rather sad to me that we have reduced modesty to something having to do with fashion and given it an entirely sexual and physical implication. Modesty is actually, “the quality or state of being unassuming or moderate in the estimation of one’s abilities.” So what often happens is that we wind up quite immodestly shaming people who dress differently, sending girls very confused mixed messages about their own sexuality, and leading boys to believe that they are like helpless sexual wildebeests or something.
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insanitybytes,
I believe we are talking about different definitions and uses of the word modesty. Here, I am speaking about modesty as it relates to our wardrobe – as described in 2 Tim. 2:9-10 which was also relating to women and how they dressed.
Would you like to share an example of a post on modesty – using the definition you are using – that you believe would not shame others and that would be a more godly approach?
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Not at the moment, April. I apologize if I’ve implied you’re doing something wrong in your post, that is not my intent. I am simply trying to understand how these modesty messages often get so distorted and misused.
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insanitybytes22,
To me, the message of dressing modestly is empowering and beautiful. 🙂 I know there will be different definitions of exactly what is “modest” – and I can certainly allow for people to have different convictions. Ultimately, we all answer to Christ.
And to me, the message of having a modest, humble attitude is also empowering and beautiful. If there is a way I can modify or clarify things to be sure that people are not mishearing – because none of God’s message to us is about shame, it is about freedom in Christ to walk in holiness and blessing – I am all ears.
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From Merriam Webster’s dictionary…
Simple Definition of modesty
: the quality of not being too proud or confident about yourself or your abilities
: the quality of behaving and especially dressing in ways that do not attract sexual attention
You are using the first definition, I believe. I am using the second definition in this post because that is the kind of modesty that was being described in the passage on how women are to dress.
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@Insanitybytes22: “I also think we have to find a way for men to differentiate between lust, coveting, and a perfectly normal and healthy sexual response…..”
Thank you for not just being another one of those “I’ll wear what I want men bedeviled” individuals. The fact of the matter lust creeps in in cultures (Middle East) even where women are mostly covered. It’s unfortunately a fact of life and until Jesus comes again it isn’t going anywhere. I think our culture does exacerbate it on two accounts:
1) its in your face everywhere. These days nearly every TV show has some illicit sex affair that plays out into a drama with all sorts of wild details. I was watching my favorite series Agents of Shield about 1-2 years ago and there was a brief scene (8PM-9PM) where they showed the main character in very seductive lacy black lingerie. Honestly, it added nothing to the show and I’m glad they haven’t done that again. Needless to say, Chloe Bennet is also VERY attractive. I’m not sure there is much we can do about cultural bombardment unless we “unplug” the Internet, TV, and social media.
2) The worldview of men. Masculinity (and femininity) have changed a lot in the last 100 years. We have the worst parts of liberalism and the worst parts of conservatism defining masculinity at the moment which is fostering a generation of men eschew being a men. On the left, you have a constant bombardment that men are evil patriarchates out to enslave and oppress women. The feminist crusades on sexuality are really starting to get nasty as if they weren’t already. Men are loosing rights to due process on college campuses because feminists have the ear of the DOE and have all but labeled every man a potential rapist. The constant message we get is that “all men are guilty because patriarchy.” You’ve got men who just acquiesce because they will do anything just not to upset women. They feed off of female praise because society has preached for generations that a man is only successful if he has an harem of women who admire him.
If you want men to move past the lust issue, we need to advocate that men have value even in the absence of a woman. We also need to advocate that men don’t have to DO anything to “obtain value.” At every turn, due to old tradition, a man always need to earn the right to be called a man whereas a woman seems to become a woman the day her period shows up. I think a man becomes a man the day he realizes that the spirit that makes up his soul is what gives him value. It is not something he can touch, but it is something he can experience. When men no longer feel like women are of more value than them they will no longer pang with a self-centered desire to “possess” the woman. Instead they will be secure in themselves leaving them to focus on more heavenly things.
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Joseph Riani,
How it breaks my heart that this is the environment my brothers (and our sons) have to experience. Thank you for sharing a masculine perspective about the prevalence of immodesty and sensuality and the destructive view our culture seems to have toward masculinity and femininity. I long for every man and woman to know they have value because they are made in the image of God and made by God and because Jesus died for them and loves them dearly. I pray for God to heal our men and women and the chasm between us – that in the church, we might have the beautiful unity and oneness Jesus prayed for us to have.
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What a great comment. I totally agree with you. This is so true, “If you want men to move past the lust issue, we need to advocate that men have value even in the absence of a woman. We also need to advocate that men don’t have to DO anything to “obtain value.”
In faith we would call that knowing your worth and value to Christ, He laid down His life for you. And than grace comes into play, there is nothing you can do to earn it, it is simply great love, unmerited favor.
In the world, women do get idolized, put in a position where we are perceived as fulfilling spiritual, emotional, sexual needs, in ways that aren’t healthy for anyone.
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insanitybytes22,
Love this discussion. In our culture, men and women are idolized. Romance, sex, marriage, children, all of it is idolized. That is not how we are to think as God’s children. So thankful there is freedom in Christ from worldly ways! Having a girlfriend/boyfriend, being married, having sex, having families – none of those things can ever truly satisfy. Only Jesus can meet our deepest needs. Only He gives us our deepest value. This is a message that is so desperately needed today!
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@insanitybytes22: Nice to see someone “gets it.” I just finished a week long debate over at a traditional Catholic forum about a recent news article in which a 24 year old teacher was charged with having sex with a 13 yo old boy everyday for a couple years. It left me completely drained and disappointed. I had a “higher up” (female poster) make the claim that if the boy was “less harmed” than a 13 yo girl would be in the same situation because males are all rah rah sex and other guys call that “winning the lotto.” I explained to her that other guys “envy” such a kid because they are likely porn addicted and think sexual activity is something that you can just “X” out of after you are done. Also, there is a big difference between a man of 25+ and a 13 yo boy. The 13 yo old boy is NOT “lucky” because a 24 yo attractive woman took advantage of him.
I think this worldview that men should be ready for sex from a woman at a seconds notice has created a disorder in Godly masculinity where by which every man is afraid to say “no” because someone might question his sexuality. When you have a society of men that have been drilled to be ready for sex on demand then its not hard to see why going to the beach is a temptation. I am very much a traditional guy that believes in different roles for men and women but some of the “traditional” views on men are very messed up and often create an environment that enables men to commit the atrocities we hear about in the news too often. When traditionalist invoke the word “purity” its almost seen as exclusively a feminine thing hence the reason a woman wears a white wedding dress. The groom however is stuck usually in a black tux. Why black at an occasion that’s supposed to be Holy and uplifting? I think the masculine version of purity is having the discipline to reject unholy influence. A man will be pure if his heart is guarded from women looking to use it for their own unholy purposes. A man is never going to discover that though as long as traditionalists are infatuated with the pedestalized woman. I think women could neutralize the pedestalization to some degree by being a bit more forthcoming with their desire for sex and what tempts them in this area. There is/was a blog by a woman who called herself “Beggars Daughter.” Really sad story. She was addicted to porn but no one really believed her. The addiction made her question her sexuality and really drove her bananas. I’m not sure that all women have an issue as bad as she does, but where did that “50 Shades of Grey” (mommy porn as they called) thing come from? I don’t thing women need to get raunchy with details, but there does need to be some more discussion on this topic.
On the modern liberal side of things, we have a constant berating of men for just about everything except breathing (for the moment). Today’s dominant feminist narrative is that men do all the wrong and women have no responsibility in any of it. Feminism is at its core a spiritual rejection of all things male. If a guy smiles at a woman these days or just tries to be friendly while waiting for the bus, he better have a good lawyer waiting. If a guy holds a door for a woman, he better be prepared to get a lecture on “the strong independent woman.” If a guy DARES to mention he would prefer his wife to take care of the kids instead of day care, feminist mouths explode with MISOGYNIST bombs all over the place!!!! Ok, I’m sorry I think a mother is more trustworthy with her children’s growth and development than a stranger. If a man sits on the subway with his legs “too far apart” for feminist liking, male privilege?!?! Seriously, feminism would be the most puke-inducing drama series if people weren’t so hooked on its koolaid. Your 3rd-wave feminists use sexuality because they realized it can lorded over men without much effort. Take a good look at Lena Dunham (nothing to lust at there but she advocates a laissez-faire sexual ethic), Taylor Swift (just broke up with boyfriend #???? expect another CD soon), and a good deal of your average college age women too. You’ve also got a recent book by Andrea Tantaros (socially liberal but a Republican) whereby she publishes a provocative cover, and basically advocates for patronizing men by “letting them” do piddly traditional stuff (i.e. opening doors, paying for dates, etc) so their boyfriends feel like they have a purpose and stick around. It is entirely manipulative and very unlike what April does here. April would probably encourage a guy to do those thing and encourage women to let men do that, but April reminds women that a sacrifice is needed on their part too. Ms. Tantaros’ book is entirely about the edification of woman and man is again just a tool in that box. Theses “sex-positive” women are anything but positive as it mostly revolves around how to burn a guys brains out and enjoy watching him melt down at a distant so they can “feel powerful.” As I’ve learned, once men catch onto their game of pride and vanity it makes it a LOT easier to brush their antics off.
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okay I’m game, I’ll jump in the pool 🙂 wink smile. I think what is tough about the modesty thing is that in dealing with it, there are two ditches to fall into. One, its all the woman’s fault. Two, a woman is never at fault in any way. Often the purity problem was in the dude’s heart before it had anything to do with a gal’s clothing. But modest is also about motives, behaviour, non verbal cues, spiritual purity and love, not just clothing as April says.
Be great to have more links to modest clothing. I can’t see myself wearing neck to ankle swim suits; i’d feel as if I stuck out by being TOO covered. But neither would I feel comfy in a one piece, even most one pieces make me feel like i am out in public in my underwear. Tankinis are a decent option for coverage that isn’t too revealing and some of them have bottoms that look more like shorts than like underwear bottoms.
For me, I won’t wear a bikini on a public beach anymore, just in the privacy of my backyard for working on my tan; and I keep a towel or robe handy in case I get a surprise visit from someone of the opposite gender. I agree that there is a difference between a healthy response that is entirely normal and part of how God made us; I think there’s a difference between that kind of acknowledgement where a man takes note that we are attractive and appreciates our beauty, but its only a passing glance, not a prolonged and total focus, and he keeps his distance without feeling drawn to “come hither”.
We would hardly be normal alive sexual beings if we didn’t notice attractive persons. But we ought not to make it hard for someone to keep their focus where it should be by dressing for raw sex appeal or slightly sexy teasing either. Some ladies feel it is a feather in their cap if they can catch the eye of another woman’s beau or husband. That is stealing in my opinion and very dirty pool too since once can indulge in this wrong form of behaviour just under the radar. God knows our hearts.
One last thought; dowdiness is not next to godliness and we needn’t dress in dull browns, navys, blacks and grays in neck to ankle coverage in order to be modest. There’s nothing godly about dressing like we just raided the mark down bin at the thrift store, anymore than we ought to dress wildly flamboyant with jewels and costly fashionista outfits. I went to a church once where it was more like a fashion show and you couldn’t see past the outlandish and extreme fashion hats! I know a few folks who attend very strict churches, who think that dressing as dull and dowdy as possible is what its all about. Their drab appearance and sombre repressed looking faces, as well as their severe hairstyles aren’t a good witness despite the fact that they are convinced otherwise. When that becomes sysnomymous with godliness one is practicing works based religion not faith based righteousness. Daughters of a king are valued and precious and well cared for. Treating ourselves severely has no value towards righetousness as Paul said, and it is not a reflection of the love of God.
April I’d love to see some more sharing of links to places to get modest well tailored clothing at decent prices. Thanks for the opportunity to throw my two cents in to the discussion. 🙂
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Just Me,
Ha! Thanks for jumping in the pool with us! 🙂
We can go to sinful extremes on this, and any other, issue. So true. We can make everything a woman’s fault. That is not right. We could make everything a man’s fault – that is not right either (the parades where women literally go naked and picket their right to wear nothing and say that men should have no problem with that, for example). We each have responsibilities for our own motives, words, actions, and behavior before God.
We can go too strict and become legalistic about modesty – as some cults and even some sects of Christianity do. Or we could be too lax and say that anything is fine even though some things we might choose to wear really could cause legitimate issues for others. So there is always balance and the power of the Holy Spirit that is necessary.
I shared the things I did with a number of swimwear options that have greater coverage than you can usually find in stores because I found these things as I had to find options for me because of my sun allergy that has been an issue for the past 6 years. I actually do have a neck to ankle swimsuit because I break out in the sun. Does everyone have to resort to that? No – certainly not. My hope was to share some options that maybe some women weren’t aware of that have greater coverage if someone believes that is what would most honor Christ in their lives.
There are many different “levels” of coverage for modesty and preferences. One may search online for “modest swimwear,” “modest clothing,” “modest shorts,” “modest pants,” “modest skirts,” “modest dresses,” and there are countless options and price ranges available.
Much love to you! Thanks so much for sharing. 🙂
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All,
Anyone is welcome to share links to places with modest swimwear or clothing. 🙂
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I know that QVC (www.qvc.com) sells some good options for swimwear. I have also purchased a lot of very modest clothing from them at reasonable prices. They sell maxi skirts and dresses that are quite pretty. I purchase the majority of my clothing there, and I have even purchased a very modest swimsuit from them.
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Eliza,
Thank you so much for that resource. 🙂
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Hi April,
I love your blog. There are so many things I could write about the positive changes in me and in my marriage, I don’t really know where to start. I’ll just say that each little step in becoming a more peaceful wife and a more peaceful woman, is like a light that is turned on inside me.
To the topic at hand – all of the previous summers of my forty odd years, I have worn a bikini, leaving nothing of my body to the imagination. This past summer (I’m in Australia) I embraced modesty and bought myself a swimdress. My cleavage, bum and crotch are all covered up. Did I feel frumpy? Far from it! I have never felt more beautiful on the beach than I did this summer.
Love Mara.
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Mara,
It is so great to hear from you and to hear a bit about what God is doing in your heart. I love that you feel more beautiful than ever now – that is how I feel the more I get to discover about godly femininity – it is such a treasure and an amazing blessing!
Much love!
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Jumping in the “pool” of comments 😉
I agree with much that has been said. My husband told me about two months ago that he wasn’t really a fan of my long, floral skirts, and that I looked more like I was in a sect. Yikes! So, I’ve made some effort to wear nice pants and mid length dresses. Problem solved. He also mentioned that I don’t always have to try so hard to cover my top when we are together, and that once and a while when it’s just me and him home, that maybe I could try wearing something for him. Again, no problem there. I try very hard to dress modestly, but also in a way that says “I take care of my appearance” to my husband. What a fine line it is!
I think it depends largely on the person and their personal relationship with God to decide what to wear to be modest. For me, I feel that I would attract too much sexual attention if I wear tops that show even the slightest and tiniest amount of cleavage. I also try to not wear things that grab my bottom in a certain way, or emphasizes anything that could be sexual. Instead, I focus on cute jewelery, curls and braids, nice shoes, and cute fashionable modest outfits. One shirt that looks perfectly fine of one friend would not look fine on me.
One of my friends is comfortable chatting with men and women, and is genuine in sharing the gospel freely with both. I am more guarded and sensitive to how I am around other men. This may have gotten lengthy, but my point is that God directs us in how He wants us to be in our modesty, and will reveal to us what is pleasing to Him. I certainly do struggle still with wanting people to either lust after my style or body etc, so it’s a daily choice to dress in a way that I’m not intentionally coming across with the wrong message. If some man thinks of me naked, or lusts after me when I am dressed appropriately, I am still at peace because God knows my heart.
For reference, I think bikinis are just too much in public. I usually wear either a cute one piece or tankini. Depending on the situation I made add swim shorts or a swim top for extra coverage.
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Samantha,
Thank you for sharing about the conversations you and your husband had and how you were able to compromise and find things that he liked but that didn’t violate your conscience. I love that you are going to work more on wearing things he loves when you are alone. That is awesome!
And yes, there are different convictions about what would be appropriate to wear among different women and sometimes something that would look fine on one body type may not work on another body type.
I used to wear bikinis, too, in public. But I have a different perspective now and am totally content with covering up a lot more. God is able to direct each of us as we seek Him. 🙂
I appreciate your willingness to share so honestly and transparently about these issues. Thank you, my dear sister! 🙂
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i don’t mind modesty but these items just doesn’t scream ‘let’s have fun at the beach’. the head to toe jumpsuit scream ‘scuba diving’ and the dress ones scream ‘dress’ not ‘ let’s play in the water’
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SapphireYagami,
I know that we are all totally used to girls and women wearing swimsuits that look like underwear. That is what most of us have known all of our lives. Of course, until the past century, it was not this way in our culture.
It’s funny how I would NEVER have worn underwear in public under any circumstances, but I wore bikinis in the past. What is the real difference? Just the type of fabric, really, not the coverage. I think it can be healthy for us to question why we wear what we wear. Just because this is what everyone else wears doesn’t mean that it is the best choice for us as disciples of Christ. What would most honor Jesus? What would most bless the kingdom and the Gospel? These are questions I believe each of us must wrestle with about our clothing and even our swimsuits.
You are certainly not required to wear any of these options. 🙂 You don’t even have to like any of them. But – for some ladies who haven’t seen that things like this with much greater coverage are available – they may be a blessing.
Much love to you! 🙂
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i personally like the swimsuits of the 1950’s those were cute
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SapphireYagami,
I think there are some available that are designed to look like those. 🙂
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sweet
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Dear Sister your comments, article and all the counsels you give is godly. I thank the Lord for that. It is the first time I have visited. Truly, it has been a blessing. all glory to Him.
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Anna Kowalski,
It is wonderful to meet you! You are most welcome here.
Much love to you!
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Thanks for this post! I was wondering if folks had any suggestions on how to make a current wardrobe more modest? Also, I generally dress more “trendy,” but sometimes interact with people who I feel are more likely to look at me in ways that feel uncomfortable/unsafe. Are there things I can do besides covering more to deflect unwanted sexual attention from inappropriate people (extended family, husbands and fathers of my friends, etc.)
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Sarah,
I don’t know of anything you can do to help this if you are dressing in clothing that is very revealing. For instance, if you are showing a lot of cleavage, wearing things that are skin tight, baring your midriff, or wearing short shorts/mini skirts… the way to avoid people looking at you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable would be to wear things that do cover those areas and that leave more to the imagination. When we reveal a lot of our bodies to other men, we inadvertently communicate to them, “I am (or I could be) sexually available to you” and invites them to think of us in a sexual way or to focus primarily on our bodies. That is not a message we want to send.
Sometimes something as simple as making sure your bra straps don’t show, wearing a scarf over a low top or a camisole or t-shirt under a low top – can make a big difference. Other times, you can wear a longer skirt or a “skirt extender” under a dress or another skirt that is too short. You can also wear a tunic over pants that are very tight or over leggings.
I will tell you that you can dress modestly and beautifully and some men may still ogle or lust. I have had that happen to me. In that case, if you are doing what you can on your end to dress in a way that honors Christ and you are making sure not to purposely create a stumbling block for others, then if there are some men who are acting inappropriately – it may be necessary to avoid them or to say something if the behavior is unacceptable/inappropriate.
Much love to you! 🙂
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Thank you:) I’m working on being more conscientious about what I wear and dressing more modestly. I think in the past, I’ve felt really resentful of suggestions to dress modestly because I’ve experienced unwanted sexual attention and violence even while being covered, and recognizing that I can’t control men’s actions. Your posts and responses have helped me to see that I’m not responsible for what men do, but that I am responsible to dress in ways that encourage good and respectful men. I’m still new to believing in God, and am working on opening my heart to Christ, and your writing has been such an encouragement!
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Sarah Hardimon,
Oh no! You have experienced violence? 😦 That breaks my heart, my precious sister. Has this happened multiple times? Are you okay? Are you getting any help with dealing with this?
Yes, you are responsible for what you do. But you are not responsible for men, their thoughts, or their sin.
Do you have a godly mentoring wife or is anyone discipling you at this time? I’m so thrilled to hear you have recently come to Jesus. I’m honored to be walking beside you!
Much love!
April
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Thanks for this post! I was wondering if folks had any suggestions on how to make a current wardrobe more modest? Also, I generally dress more “trendy,” but sometimes interact with people who I feel are more likely to look at me in ways that feel uncomfortable/unsafe. Are there things I can do besides covering more to deflect unwanted sexual attention from inappropriate people (extended family, husbands and fathers of my friends, etc.)
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Great post! I’m so glad that these days we have a lot of different swimming clothes. I just put on my shorts and tankini and feel comfortable. Also 80% of men wear long shorts on the beach, not underpants as swimwear.
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Kate,
I’m glad there are many more options today, too. So true about men mostly wearing trunks. You know what? I am not tempted to lust after other men in speedos, but I really do not like seeing them wearing those. It is more of a feeling of ickiness to me, than any kind of attraction. The only guy I want to know that much about is my own husband.
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