Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them

Every man has his own list of what feels disrespectful and respectful to him.  Some things are almost universally one way or the other to almost all men.  Some things are particular to your husband.  So – what matters most is what is respectful and disrespectful to YOUR man. That’s why it is important to ask him about his preferences and what bothers him and what speaks respect to him.  When things are not tense – you could ask him about some of the things on this list and get his take on the different items.  I wouldn’t ask him about all of them at once – but maybe ask about a few at a time every few days or so and REALLY pay attention to his answers.  Maybe print this out and check the ones that bother him so that you don’t forget.  You’ll need to custom-tailor your respect to your husband for best results!

Ladies – we have so much power to destroy our husbands or to build them up.  How I pray God will convict us and open our eyes and that we might learn to be respectful, cooperative wives who value our husbands’ leadership and who honor Christ with every thought, attitude, word and action!

Here are some things that could feel disrespectful – these are men speaking for themselves

  • asking him to do something, then doing it myself before he has a chance
  • lack of attention/appreciation
  • too much help
  • criticism
  • interruptions
  • not really listening
  • Asking a question starting with WHY is automatically saying, “What you did is wrong and it should be done like this! How can you not see that?”
  • always putting herself first and having the family fit into her plans/schedule
  • second guessing/lack of confidence
  • being too busy to spend time with him – too into your tv show to listen to him
  • complaining
  • speaking negatively of him to others or in front of others
  • scowling
  • body language – arms crossed, a look of condemnation
  • answering for him
  • telling him what to do
  • undermining his authority as a father – telling the children they don’t have to do what he asked them to do
  • disagreeing with his parenting in front of the children
  • insinuating – even slightly – that he doesn’t make enough money to satisfy you
  • not accepting his answer – continuing to question him
  • putting him down to other people
  • Being irrationally afraid, as if I can’t protect her from a spider in the next room. A lion? I understand, but I have a gun for that 🙂
  • Being critical of my driving (actual safe driving with mounds of proof)  
  • Automatically assuming we were going to call someone for a repair. Let me decide and let me handle it.
  • Asking me if i remembered to pack something.  (this may vary between men)
  • Telling me to go speak to someone or tell someone goodbye at a social function.
  • Asking “Are you sure? ” after I have already given a confident “yes” to “Do you know what you are doing?”  (Peacefulwife here – Probably best not to say, “Do you know what you are doing?” ladies!)
  • In short, only question me once, especially if its something you know no nothing about.
  • cussing/yelling/name calling
  • Arguing with me when I make a family decision
  • Remaining silent in front of  the children rather than supporting me when a discipline decision is made
  • Lack of acknowledgement of hard work/providing for the family
  • Failure to say “You’re a good dad.”
  • Failure to say thank you in general
  • Failure to support a decision I’ve made in my absence
  • Speaking poorly about me, even in a “joking” way to others
  • Correcting me when I am telling stories
  • Making light of or “poo-pooing” something that I think is important
  • “The look.”  It may vary from woman to woman, but you all have one.  Used whenever you disapprove of whatever just happened, whatever was just said, or whatever idea the husband just floated.  May be followed by verbal elaboration of the disapproval, but 100% effective without the elaboration.  The longer the marriage, the less need for any verbal elaboration.  It’s funny to talk about for everyone but the husband who receives it.  Believe it or not, it’s soul-crushing — at least when it’s a frequent occurrence.
  • Obviously, the eye-roll, the sigh, the huff, the pursed lips, the crossed arms, the tapping foot, the hands thrown in the air, etc.  These are all distinct from “the look.”
  • The comment to the kids that’s actually directed at dad, frequently while leaving the room with the child after getting dad’s input and not being satisfied with it.
  • Any disagreement with or disapproval of the dad in front of the kids is exponentially more crushing (and, probably for most men, infuriating — anger being the emotion that immediately follows hurt).
  • Refusing, avoiding, or qualifying your apology when the husband calls you on any of these disrespectful behaviors.  It doesn’t take very many times of hearing “I’m sorry I said that in front of the kids, but you [reiteration of the original complaint/criticism and/or addition of another].”  Why seek an apology if it’s only going to net another insult?
  • Keeping “your” finances separate from the “family’s” finances.
  • Blaming your husband for economic circumstances beyond his control — loss of a job, difficulty finding a job, diminished cash flow because customers are slow in paying, etc.  NOTE:  Complaining about the circumstances or wishing out loud for different circumstances feels like blame to your husband.  Find a way to commiserate with him about the circumstances without complaining about them.
  • Holding a grudge against your husband for economic circumstances that were within his control but turned out differently than he expected.
  • Complaining about an offense that he committed, usually unintentionally, and then not letting him fix it, or even attempt to.
  • Giving him your input (which he solicited) for an important decision — choice of a church, choice of a house, etc. — and then rejecting all the choices he comes up with, even if they meet all your stated criteria and nothing else does.  Bonus points for holding a grudge if he goes ahead and picks one of those choices, whether it works out ok or not.
  • Remaining silent when one of the kids complains that dad won’t listen or doesn’t care, rather than actively attempting to defend dad, when dad has in fact tried to take the child’s wants/needs into account but has made a decision that the child doesn’t like.
  • Expecting your husband to meet your need for security in a way that requires perfection or omniscience.  Of course he shouldn’t knowingly do things that undermine your security, but the reality is that his ability to keep or make you secure is very limited.
  • Implicitly or explicitly letting him know that, once your early days of poverty are behind you (those days when you told him that as long as you had each other, you had enough), you are going to be very unhappy about any prospect of being back there again, for whatever reason.
  • If marriage counseling is necessary, communicating (or simply believing, which will be communicated one way or another) that he is the problem.  Bonus points for firing the counselor (or simply not going back) if the counselor puts too much pressure on you to change something.  TEST:  What would your reaction be if your husband fired a counselor or refused to go back because the counselor was putting too much pressure on him?
  • When your disrespect for your husband has become too manifest to ignore, and your husband makes the rather obvious deduction that perhaps it’s time for the two of you to seek outside advice in a particular area (from a pastor, marriage counselor, financial counselor, etc.), reject the outside advice if it is in line with what your husband was doing or recommending.  Put him in a can’t win situation so that there’s no authority you’ll submit to and there’s no one whose endorsement of your husband will have any meaning to you.
  • If there are theological non-essentials on which you disagree (Calvinism vs. Arminianism (or just 4-point Calvinism vs. 5-point Calvinism), mode of baptism, music, determining the will of God in a decision, etc.), behave as if his view is dangerous.
  • Insist that your standards for acceptable family entertainment be the governing standards, and let it be known every time your husband’s choices stray from your standards.  Bonus points if you can criticize him, preferably in front of the kids, when a protective measure he has attempted to use (a language filter, fast forwarding, etc.) isn’t 100% effective at eliminating the content he was trying to avoid.
  • Live in fear because you can’t trust God to take care of you through your husband or, if necessary, in spite of your husband.
  • Attach catastrophic significance to every personal and parenting choice out of fear that if you and your husband do not “measure up,” God will punish you, including by allowing your children to become prodigals.  [Bonus points if you can, with a straight face, agree that God doesn’t behave that way but arrive at the same level of fear anyway because “actions have consequences.”]
  • When put on the spot to compliment your husband on something, focus on his skill at his job and not anything about his performance as a husband or father.
  • Write him flowery compliments four times a year (Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day, and his birthday) and then live the rest of the year as described above.  It will take him years to figure out that you didn’t really mean any of those nice things you wrote — at least not when times get tough.
  • Generally treat sex with him as a chore or an imposition (when you’re not ignoring it altogether).  Bonus points if you can occasionally (twice a year may be sufficient) behave as if you actually want to have sex with him.  You’ll have him thoroughly confused pretty much right up until the time you ambush him with the divorce.
  • Making me feel that I’m less of man because I don’t look as attractive as I did years ago.
  • Making comments about my lack of ability to remember.
  • Doubting what I say until it’s affirmed by someone else.
  • Thinking that I’m not smart enough to know when she’s lying to me.
  • Treating me like I’m a child, and can’t take care of myself.
  • Taping notes to the refrigerator or cabinet telling me what to do, and how to do it.
  • Taking credit for things I did.
  • Changing the channel when I’m watching something.
  • Ordering me around like I’m her personal assistant.
  • Griping me out when I get something wrong that she should have done herself.
  • criticism – specifically of character “you’re a terrible husband” “a real man would do it this way” etc
  • care nothing about what the husband thoughts or feelings are on any particular subject or decision. Insisting that the only correct and “normal” conclusion is the one she came up with.
  • react with great emotional upset if husbands ideas, thoughts or what he finds important aren’t a mirror image of the wife’s. And accuse him of not loving you like you deserve because he thinks differently.
  • assume the absolute most negative things about your husband. Assume that all his motives are selfish and evil. Give him no benefit of the doubt and absolutely, by no means, do not give him the respect to listen to what he has to say to find out what his thinking or motives are. Also be sure to never waver in your assumptions of evil.
  • dress him. (Get upset if ) he does not wear what you think is appropriate for the evening. Bonus points for telling him he looks like a fool.
  • putting your head in the sand when there is a need for a serious discussion needed( like a talk about when the next child should come along like before or after we buy a house)
  • saying you will make and effort on something and then not putting any effort in.

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275 Comments on “Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them”

  1. ronfurg
    September 19, 2012 at 11:50 am #

    April — This is a “world class” list. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And, in addition to being able to consider this with respect to wives, in almost all your examples all one has to do is slightly reword then to turn the issue into “How does a husband fail to show LOVE to his wife?” I know this is going to be a very useful tool for the guys in my men’s groups. This issue, along with exactly how does a guy demonstrate servant leadership (which you dealt with recently), is a key concern.

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    • Evelyn
      January 3, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

      So basically, a wife cannot express one iota of dissatisfaction with anything whatsoever, fantastic.

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      • peacefulwife
        January 3, 2013 at 9:17 pm #

        Evelyn,
        Hey! Thanks for the comment. I am really glad you expressed your frustration, and I hope that I can throw you a big life preserver to hang onto here.

        To me – this list is beautiful. How could I say that?

        Well… 4 years ago, when I realized that I had been a pretty darn disrespectful and controlling wife (without even knowing it) – I DESPERATELY needed a list like this! I didn’t have resources or books or a godly older wife to mentor me. I truly did not have any concept of what respect or disrespect was to a man. And, unfortunately, at that time – my husband wasn’t sure either. I would ask him, “Would this be disrespectful to you?” “Is this respectful?” And he didn’t know. So I felt like I was walking through a minefield and I had ZERO direction about what to avoid or what to do. I felt so clueless and lost.

        Thankfully – a wife CAN and SHOULD express her desires, needs and wants to her husband. I believe it is her responsibility to do so. But there actually are ways to share our hearts and feelings and our perspective without being disrespectful that get us HEARD by our husbands. And as our husbands feel more and more respected – our feelings become more and more important to them.

        Now, usually – if I say I want something or don’t want something – my husband jumps at the chance to do something that will delight me and make me happy. He ignored me years ago – all the nagging, criticizing, lecturing, telling him what to do, negativity, eye rolling and turning up the volume did not get me what I wanted at all.

        So – to me – this list is actually very empowering for women. And even more empowering, in my view, is a post called 101 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband. Check it out!

        I’m glad to talk with you if you have anything you want to discuss.
        May God richly bless your marriage and your walk with Him!

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        • medithi
          January 5, 2014 at 8:12 pm #

          I get exactly what you mean. However, it is hard sometimes to act in a respectful way, specially when I am frustrated and get a rush of adrenaline playing victim. 😦 It’s so sad we like misbehaving.

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          • peacefulwife
            January 6, 2014 at 7:59 am #

            Medithi,
            Oh it can be VERY HARD sometimes – impossible in our own strength, even. That is why we so desperately need the power of God’s Spirit working in us to be the women He commands and calls us to be. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

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            • Candy
              May 19, 2014 at 9:13 am #

              My earthly father walked away from my mother when i was born. I never knew him. My grandfather had passed away, and i was raised in a non christian family of women. My granny, who was an amazingly courageous woman, taught me to be strong, and never let a man treat me badly. My mother’s first husband tried to murder her, so she had no respect for men anyway. My grandfather was an alcoholic and passed away when I was nine years old. I had two older brothers, but they were never leaders to me. I grew up without one positive male role model/leader in my life.

              I grew up rebellious to the ideas that a woman should submit to a man, even if he is her husband. When i met my husband, i had a desire to be submissive to him when we married, but i just couldnt do it. I took over the role of leader and decision maker in our home. In my mind, it was just easier if i handled everything myself. My husband would give me his thoughts on a variety of things, and if i didnt like it, i would over rule him. I didnt mean to be disrespectful, it wasnt that i didnt love him, but the word submission, or obedience were humiliating to me…degrading even. Even though i had read these words in the bible, i was sure that they were only for that era in time.

              We both became Christians in the early nineties for me, 1995 for him.

              To keep peace, he wouldnt argue, he would just emotionally shut down. I would pray for God to show him how to stand up and lead the family, but then i refused to follow him when he would make decisions. Then i decided to train him how to be a leader…yeah, that defeated the whole purpose.

              Mainly, after 22 years of a very rocky marriage, i felt so weary of making the decisions alone. I began to ask God why he never put any men in ,y life to protect me, or nurture me, or guide me. I even felt let down by my own husband. My mom didnt know how to lead us as a family, and my granny was a leader, but she was fierce, and hard, and raised me up like that. But still, i questioned why God never gave me a male to give me a sense of security, and to make me feel protected. I have been rebellious my whole life. Although, i have tried to be a good wife to my husband, and encourage him, pray for him, forgive him, i never gave him the honor or respect that he deserved. I nagged him, pouted, cold shouldered, silent treatmented him, or yelled at him to always get my way, and i think he felt that he wasnt fit to lead our family. So he just earned the paychecks, and ignored me the rest of the time.

              I kept telling God that i was tired of leading the family. I felt that my femininity had slipped away, and i was growing tired of doing my husbands job as the leader in the family. I again questioned Him as to why He never gave me anyone to make me feel safe, or protected. My husband was military for the first eight years of our marriage, and he could lead troops, and even in civilian life, his jobs all resulted in him being team leaders, and different leadership pisitions, yet i never allowed him to lead me. It has just been recently, as i have grown more tired, and prayed for peace in my life that the voice of the true roles of partners in a marriage has become louder. I heard for the first time, Gods voice loudly telling me to submit to my husband, as it is the natural order of things, and that it is biblically mandated. I am thankful for Gods grace on keeping my marriage from ending in divorce, despite the chaos of not following His principles for the marriage. I have been researching the scriptures for marriage, and they all teach that the wife should submit to her husband as her leader, and the head of the family. At first, this idea seemed so outdated, and belittling, but then i kept reading and researching, because i felt that deep draw within me to have a truly Godly marriage. I truly want to please God. As i read more and more, i finally, for the first time realised that God had not left me alone to fend for myself, that he had given me a protector 22 years ago in my husband. That he had designed the marriage institution in the way He had to give the woman protection. I feel favored now, knowing that He had me in mind to protect me, when He gave me my husband. I also know that God is not a tyrant, He wants us to follow Him with a free will to choose to do His commandments, or to do it my way. But either way, my husband could never force me to submit to him, it had to be my concious choice.

              I want to serve God, and now understand that my service begins by honoring the institution that He created, and by honoring the natural roles that He designed. However, i realize that after doing things my way for so many years, has left my husband resigned to just sitting back while i make all the decisions, etc. and has left me without a clue as to how to become a submissive, Godly wife. So i have been continuously reading Christian articles, scriptures and praying.

              I decided to just try to do it in baby steps, and pray for guidance. So ive started praying for God to give me a submissive heart for Him and my husband. Then i wondered how i could make my husband the leader (old habits die hard), and realized its not my place to teach my husband anything, only to pray for him and offer him counsel when he asks me for it. Its not been easy. He chastised me yesterday for something, not harshly, but i did shut my mouth…but then i pouted…he recognized it, and felt bad that i was upset. I realized that i had messed up, because he was right in what he told me, but i had tried to control him again. So i continue to pray for God to help me…it is the desire of my heart to be a Godly wife, and to please God, and honor Him within my marriage. Pray with me tnat i learn to submit and become a Godly wife.

              I have to remember that God will give my husband the wisdom to lead me and my family. I have to learn to completely trust God that He is speaking to my husband on my behalf.

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              • peacefulwife
                May 19, 2014 at 10:38 pm #

                Candy,

                I am so thrilled about what a God is doing in your life!!! Woohoo!!

                This is what my whole blog is about, and my YouTube channel “April Cassidy.”

                I would suggest starting with the posts at the top of my home page. And you can look through my old posts, I believe you will find things explained in baby steps here.

                Try searching my home page for – lead, leader, husband, submission, submit, contentment, hero

                Those will get you started. 🙂

                Much love,
                Praying for God ‘ greatest glory in your life!!

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                • Reid
                  August 9, 2014 at 5:01 pm #

                  I have a wife who is alot like Candy. I just gave up and focus on my business and doing sports.

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                  • peacefulwife
                    August 12, 2014 at 4:13 pm #

                    Reid,
                    I am so sorry to hear that things are so painful right now. 😦

                    I pray for healing for you both and for your marriage and for God’s greatest glory in your lives!

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        • Sarah Vajda
          July 29, 2015 at 11:22 pm #

          Thank you so much for writing this. Wow I have done so many of these things in my 2 years of marriage. This was extensive, thought provoking, much needed and something that will be a work in progress

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        • Sarah Vajda
          July 29, 2015 at 11:23 pm #

          This list.. was much needed. I’ve done so many of these things in my 2 yrs. of marriage! 😦 thank you for writing this. If we can get gals on here to support one another I am looking to connect with a few. 🙂

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          • Peacefulwife
            July 30, 2015 at 12:46 am #

            Sarah Vajda,

            I’m so glad that this was helpful. I sure wish I had it early in my marriage. There are many wives who are willing to support others on this journey here. If you want to find some of the more recent posts that have a number of comments, you can comment and ask for prayer or encouragement. I know you will find it here. 🙂

            And I am always glad to chat any time.

            I can’t wait to see what God is about to do in your marriage! I know this part is painful. But – the good part is coming!

            Much love!

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      • peacefulwife
        January 3, 2013 at 9:48 pm #

        This post may be helpful, too, if you are interested. 🙂

        http://peacefulwife.com/2012/09/10/asking-your-husband-for-things-so-that-he-wants-to-say-yes-2/

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      • Jess
        January 11, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

        Yes, that aspect of it is infuriating. Most of the list, however- the parts about not making fun of the husband’s looks, or acting as equal parents in front of the kids- just seem like being a decent human being to me. So as long as both parties in the marriage are paying attention to these things, I see nothing wrong with that. I’m not religious at all, I just found this list through a link.

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        • peacefulwife
          January 14, 2013 at 8:34 pm #

          Yes- if we would treat our husbands with decency, kindness, thoughtfulness – we would certainly have stronger marriages no matter what our beliefs about God were. His design works regardless of what culture or religion a marriage is in. Thanks!

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          • Laura
            December 5, 2015 at 10:26 am #

            A great deal of the items on this list are not things that only men find disrespectful, but all human beings. I am a woman and in our house, my husband is the one rolling eyes, huffing, and making snarky remarks to the children which are actually directed at me. (Things like , “sorry guys, I can’t play video games with you today or I’ll get in trouble,” said in a mournful tone). In our house my husband is the one who makes jokes about how I’m not as attractive as I used to be, who insults me in front of the children, and who is incapable of giving me an apology without adding in further insults to me. And so on. I find this list very frustrating because I am very careful not to do these things, yet I am still treated with gross disrespect in my own home. It is not at all only women who don’t consider the feelings of their spouses, and a woman could print out this entire huge list and be very careful not to do a single thing on it, and still have a crummy marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage, not just the woman. And not only men desire respectful treatment, either. It would be a dream come true for me to be treated with respect in my home. It’s very hard for me to read lists like this and not feel bitter. I’ve been bending over backwards for years to be a perfect wife and yet I still haven’t done enough I guess, to deserve being treated like a human being with feelings.

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            • Peacefulwife
              December 5, 2015 at 10:35 am #

              Laura,

              I only address women and the things we have control over on this blog. But YES! All people need respect. Husbands and wives need respect and love in marriages. When God commands us to love others and He describes His kind of love in I Corinthians 13:4-8 and how we are to be filled with His Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, we are not to insult others, berate them, be unkind, be rude, or disrespectful.

              The goal is that husbands and wives would both give and receive love and respect in every marriage.

              I’m so sorry that you are feeling so disrespected in your marriage. 😦 Love and respect are needs we all have regardless of whether we “deserve” them are not.

              Would you like to talk a bit about what is going on? I’d be glad to do my best to point you to the healing that is available in Christ for you. 🙂

              Much love!

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              • Laura
                December 5, 2015 at 3:01 pm #

                That’s very kind of you to ask if I wanted to talk more about it. I guess I do sound bitter, but it is more like incredibly frustrated.

                My husband grew up neglected and abused, and he carried over into his adulthood an incredible amount of anger and resentment. Even in the days we were dating I was often shocked by the anger that just seemed to fill his entire being. Foolishly, I thought I would “heal” him with my love…not the first girl that ever made that dumb mistake, I am sure.

                I realized as soon as we were married that I had been wrong. I could not “heal” his anger, nor his drug addiction, and as the years went by things only got worse, he started drinking too, and his angry outbursts turned into full-scale abuse, calling me foul names in front of the children, pushing me around, and so on.

                I was running from the Lord at this point in my life so I did not turn to God for help, I tried desperately to read every marriage book I could find. I thought if I could be a perfect wife, it would fix everything. Of course it didn’t work. The anger only got worse, and along with a selfishness that I could hardly believe. It was like the children and I meant nothing to him at all – the only things that mattered were drugs and alcohol.

                Fast forward to today. I’ve found my way back to God, for about a year now, and I’ve been praying so hard and trying to really be a godly wife. To be honest, things have gotten a bit better – my husband’s resentment toward me seems to be less than in the past, and it’s been a long time since he called me a name. He doesn’t drink anymore, although he still smokes drugs and I am sorry to say makes many selfish decisions. I try so hard to be kind and respectful to him but he is often rude and disrespectful in return. Usually, if I try to share my hurt with him he responds with anger and annoyance, or by telling me I am too sensitive, or imagining things. He rarely ever takes my feelings seriously, although of course his feelings are a HUGE deal.

                If I am ever sick or weak or need a shoulder to cry on, I am on my own. I don’t know why but he has never once been there for me when I truly needed him. It’s been 15 years of marriage like this and I am desperately lonely. I thought I was marrying my best friend, but it turned out he wasn’t my friend at all. He is often pleasant to be around as long as things are good and I am happy, but if I have had a bad day or am feeling sick, forget it. He shows almost no interest in our relationship at all or in me as a person – no compassion whatsoever. I feel like I am little more than a useful object to him much of the time. He doesn’t even have much interest in intimacy, but seems to prefer pornography. It is so very frustrating because I thought marriage was going to be so much more than this.

                Thank you for listening.

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                • Peacefulwife
                  December 5, 2015 at 5:47 pm #

                  Laura,

                  Oh my. 😦 What you have there is one extremely wounded man. From what you are describing – it sounds like he never knew love growing up. When a child grows up without love and he/she is neglected and abandoned or abused – these things program that person about what is “normal.” They don’t learn to trust. They don’t learn to have hope. They don’t learn to properly care for others. They learn survival and “I’ve got to look out for myself because no one else will.”

                  So many women go into marriage thinking their love will change a broken man. We are wrong. Only God can heal and change broken people. We aren’t God. And we aren’t the Holy Spirit – as you have figured out. I sure wish you had some godly premarital counseling and someone had explained to you that the anger and issues your man had were going to continue and probably get worse in marriage and that you can’t fix a man. I have a number of posts about that on my site for single women because so many women truly believe they have the power to change their men. I used to believe that, too. But we don’t. We can influence them. We can bless them. We can make them more miserable. But we change no one but ourselves. And if we are to change for the better, we can’t even change ourselves without God. He has to do the real work in us. It’s all about Christ in us.

                  Hopefully, you also realize by now that when someone is addicted to drugs or alcohol – you are not dealing with the person, but the addiction. Someone with an active addiction is not going to care about anything or anyone but the next fix. That is what addiction does. It is a huge idol. The addict is a total slave. There are times it isn’t safe for families to stay with drug/alcohol addicts. Not sure if you have ever checked into Celebrate Recovery – but they have some resources that may be really helpful for your family. 🙂

                  I praise God that He has drawn you back to Himself! WOOHOO! That is AWESOME! And I am so thankful that your husband is somewhat better and not drinking.

                  My suspicion is that your husband is living in the flesh. He doesn’t have God’s power and His Spirit filling him. He doesn’t know how to love others in a healthy way. Real love is foreign to him. Relationship skills are foreign to someone who grew up abused and neglected. Thinking about other people’s feelings and dealing with others’ emotions with compassion and empathy is not something that people who were abused and neglected know anything about – in general. God can heal him. He is not beyond the reach of Christ. But you can’t heal him.

                  If you are interested, you can search my home page for “porn” for some posts about that. I would encourage you to seek godly help about dealing with the drug addiction. Have you had a godly counselor before? Do you believe you and your children are safe?

                  How do you respond to him when he neglects your needs? What are some of the worst things you have done in response to his unloving behavior?

                  How is your walk with Christ going? 🙂

                  What spiritual support do you have?

                  I believe that I may have some resources here that may be a blessing to you in your walk with Christ. I will do anything I can to help. 🙂

                  Much love to you, my precious sister! I pray for God’s healing for you both and for your husband’s salvation and regeneration. Thankfully – God is awesome at taking broken people and relationships and making something really beautiful from the ashes. It may take more time than you would like. But I’m glad to walk beside you on this road.

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                  • Laura
                    December 5, 2015 at 7:53 pm #

                    My goodness, what a wonderful response! You are truly gifted in the area of understanding human nature. Everything you concluded about my marriage is true.

                    I think you are also right that my husband is living in the flesh, trying to get by on his own power and not relying on even other people, let alone God. I think he has gotten somewhat better in response to me seeking God and changing – I’m helping him by treating him more respectfully and by being more loving in general – but I have not in any way healed him, I know only God can do that. Therefore, although my husband has been able to stop drinking, and has left the out of control anger behind, he still has no idea how to truly love another and compassion is unfortunately a foreign concept to him. He doesn’t feel there is anything wrong with the disrespectful way he treats me daily.

                    He has never been a believer, so it is of course my most fervent prayer that he would come to know Christ.

                    To answer your questions, we have gone to counseling before but it made things much worse – I don’t think my husband could bear the counselor telling him that he was the one causing most of the problems, that he was abusive. it made him VERY angry.

                    Yes, the children and I are safe – thank you for asking.

                    How do I respond when he neglects my needs? I guess most of the time I get kind of quiet and withdrawn, then if he asks why I am so quiet I’ll tell him I feel hurt. Sometimes he’ll apologize and tell me he’ll try to do better (very rarely), but usually he’ll brush me off or make an excuse for how the situation is really my fault, and then I feel more hurt and get more upset, and then he’ll be more callous, and I will start crying, and often this cycle continues until I am acting like an idiot, weeping and begging him to show me a scrap of love. In the past he would stomp off in great disgust when this happened, or give me lecture about being so pathetic, these days he’ll usually roll his eyes and give me a hug, but in a condescending sort of way, not like he really cares. I don’t think he is capable of really caring, which is why I get so emotional – I’m so frustrated after so many years of desperately wanting to be loved and just getting coldness in return. So many times it has seemed to me like his heart is made of stone.

                    I know only God can heal this situation. That’s why I am seeking God like never before, and seeking His will in the area of marriage. I believe He led me to your website, and I’m very grateful, both to Him and to you for making all this advice available. Thank you!

                    Most of my spiritual support comes from the Internet, but considering the wonderful advice I have found, that’s not so bad.

                    Thanks again.

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                    • Peacefulwife
                      December 5, 2015 at 9:31 pm #

                      Laura,

                      God woke me up to my own mountain of sin 7 years ago this month. I thought I had been the most perfect Christian wife ever – and kept telling God (demanding, really) – that He needed to make Greg be more loving, more involved, and make him a better leader and stronger Christian. I was mortified when God revealed to me after over 14 years of marriage that I had been sabotaging our marriage and that Greg was shutting down and passive because he didn’t feel safe with me. 😦 I wanted to go live in a cave and never talk to another soul. I came face to face with the wretchedness of my sin. My pride, disrespect, control, idolatry of self, idolatry of my husband and our marriage, bitterness, unforgiveness, gossip, resentment, unbelief in God, lack of faith, etc…

                      I began to beg God to change ME for the first time. I spent hours and hours every day reading my Bible, praying, thanking God for Greg, repenting of my sins, studying books on godly womanhood and godly marriage. For over 2.5 years I read almost every day – over 30 books. I wanted to make things up to Greg. I wanted to be the wife God wanted me to be and Greg needed. I wanted to see God heal my marriage. He did. In time. It took a long time for Greg to feel safe with me again. Many years. There were long stretches of very lonely times. Years. Sometimes, I would get discouraged and want to know why God wasn’t changing Greg yet. Then God used those times of my disappointment to remind me that I was not seeking to be a godly woman/wife in order to get Greg to change. My motives had to be only to please God, to know Him, and to bless Greg. No matter if Greg ever changed or not.

                      God used those thousands of hours of silence from my husband (who is naturally an introvert, as well) to teach me the sufficiency of Christ. When I began this journey – Greg was not involved in drugs, alcohol, or an affair. But he was so unplugged that he didn’t want to be around me, touch me, look at me, listen to me, or talk with me. He shut me totally out of his heart. He was drowning in shame at the time. Shame over the way I treated him and over his perception of failure at being a husband, dad, and Christian. I didn’t know if he would ever change. I had to decide that it didn’t matter what Greg did or did not do. What mattered in my life was what I was going to do and my walk with Christ. That’s it. That’s what I have control over – my reactions, my sins, my obedience to God, my being filled with the Spirit, my being a blessing to God and to Greg. The way Greg treated me – I had to trust that to God. It was terrifying at first. I hadn’t ever really trusted God. I had really been trusting SELF. But I had to decide to write out all of my deepest fears and decide that I was going to trust the sovereign God of the universe even if I had to live my deepest fears. I decided that I was going to have faith in God no matter what and that if I went through painful experiences, He was going to use it for my good and His glory and He would keep His promises to me.

                      At the time, Greg was a believer, but he was far from God. He couldn’t hear God’s voice. I know now that my voice was in the way of God’s voice. My disrespect was also in the way of God’s voice in Greg’s life. God wanted me to get out of His way so He could work in Greg’s life much more effectively.

                      Your situation is different in some important ways. But – it’s interesting. We all have the same lessons to learn. God uses different circumstances to teach us – but all of us – married, single, divorced, black, white, American, African, Asian, European, old, young – we have the same basic things to learn. Things like:

                      – The sufficiency of Christ
                      – Absolute surrender to Christ as Lord
                      – faith in God’s sovereignty
                      – trust in God’s goodness
                      – forgiveness
                      – repentance of all sin
                      – being filled with the Holy Spirit
                      – hearing and being sensitive to the Spirit
                      – obedience no matter what the cost
                      – that Christ is the Greatest Treasure

                      Your husband can’t meet your deepest emotional and spiritual needs. Neither could mine. Actually, even though our marriage has been better than ever the past 4-5 years, Greg still can’t meet my deepest emotional and spiritual needs. If I expect him to do that, he will fail me every time. Only Christ can meet my deepest needs. When I learn to find all of my security, identity, purpose, strength, peace, joy, and life in Him – I am overflowing with the fruit of God’s Spirit. It is ALL about Jesus. Then, if my husband is able to give me anything, it is a blessing that I can enjoy. But I am not dependent on him for my emotional or spiritual well-being. I am only dependent on Jesus for my well-being.

                      God has given me an incredible platform to share what He has done in my life. I am amazed every day and feel like the most blessed woman on the planet that God allows me to get to see what He is doing in thousands of people’s lives and marriages around the world. I have walked with many women on this journey. There are over 37,000 comments on this blog – so I have had some practice getting to know how women (and men) think. I still have much to learn! But I want to share all that I can with my dear sisters (and brothers). I’m so excited that we can walk this road together to know Christ more and to follow Him wholeheartedly and to become godly women and wives.

                      Here are a few posts that may be a blessing:

                      – How to Make Your Husband an Idol
                      – My Secret Idol (a wife wants her husband to be saved more than anything)
                      – The Idol of Happiness
                      – I Am responsible for Myself Emotionally
                      – I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually
                      – Healthy Relationships VS Unhealthy Relationships
                      – Christ Alone Is My Security!
                      – Being Enmeshed
                      – The Separation-Leads-to-Greater-Intimacy Paradox
                      – Please God, Ask Me for Anything But This!

                      Much love to you, my precious sister! 🙂 I am very excited to see all that God has in store first for your relationship with Him – and then for your husband and your marriage and family.

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                    • Laura
                      December 6, 2015 at 10:20 am #

                      April, thank you so much. I am deeply moved that you took so much time this weekend to answer my comments. Do you know, a few days ago I started praying that God would put godly people into my life to help me stay on the straight and narrow path. I think He must have led me to you.

                      I will for sure read the links you listed, and will continue to read your blog. Thanks once again from the bottom of my heart.

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                    • Peacefulwife
                      December 6, 2015 at 2:08 pm #

                      Laura,

                      God is so very good! He answered your prayer by sending you here. And – this is also an answer to my prayers, as well! I pray daily that God might send whomever He will here and that He might speak to them through me in powerful, life-changing, healing ways that greatly exalt Christ.

                      Much love to you! I am here if you ever want to talk through anything.

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      • Robert
        January 29, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

        Hello Evelyn,

        A wife is well within her rights to express dissatisfaction to her husband.

        Sarah did with Abraham (Gen. 21:8- 12).
        Rebekkah did with Isaac (Gen. 27:46).
        Hannah did with Elkanah (1 Sam. 1:4- 8).

        But they did so respectfully (Col. 4:6), as should be the case with both husband and wife. In fact, Sarah is a very fine example of a godly wife (1 Pet. 3:1- 6) that is worthy of imitation.

        Oftentimes we husbands pay more attention,not to what wives are saying, but HOW it is said- the tone of voice, disposition, demeanor, attitude. I myself have been known to say, “babe, I can’t hear you over your tone of voice (or attitude, or sarcasm, etc.).”

        So, express yourself freely.

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        • peacefulwife
          January 29, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

          Robert, Yes! I believe wives have an obligation to share their feelings, desires and concerns with their husbands. How can husbands lead if they don’t have all the information? If we disagree, we don’t have to be silent. We may voice our concerns – but in private and respectfully! And then, if our husbands still disagree, we may have to drop it and not continue trying to force our way, but trust that God will lead us through our husbands. Of course, if they ask us to sin, we must respectfully resist that and obey God.

          Dr. Emerson Eggerichs told his young wife at one time, “You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.” Her statements were correct, but her tone and delivery were very disrespectful.

          Thanks for your insights, Robert!

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          • Angela Anderson Murdock
            June 25, 2015 at 11:05 am #

            I have experienced a couple of times when I felt strongly that we should do something and my husband disagreed. I dropped the subject and prayed to God to make it happen if it was his will. Both times, God did make it happen and he did it in a way that my husband made the choice and he was happy with it. I didn’t continue to nag which I would have done in the past and it all worked out because I brought it to God and he made it work out.

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            • Peacefulwife
              June 25, 2015 at 11:14 am #

              Angela,

              Sometimes we forget God’s sovereignty and power and think we have to make things work out ourselves. But what joy when we trust in Him and honor His design and then see Him answer prayers, change our husbands, change our circumstances and do miracles! Love this! Thank you very much for sharing!

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      • lucy
        May 30, 2013 at 7:02 pm #

        Yes, that’s quite a list. I’m not sure any wife anywhere could not screw up on a daily basis by doing SOMETHING on this list. And some of this list is just snarky and condescending: “Be sure to have an absolute conniption fit if he does not wear what you think is appropriate for the evening.” Etc. Sheesh. That’s a bit hostile, don’t you think? I’d edit the list down to something actually manageable for the average woman and lose the hyperbole. (And PS: Wanting our husbands to look good is not a bad thing. Women usually know more about fashion and so perhaps a husband should defer to his wife in dressing for special occasions. Why? Because other women judge us for how our husbands look. Yup. They see it as a reflection on us if our husbands look unkempt in public, much like men might judge a man’s financial/provider status if they see his wife driving around in a cruddy car.)

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        • peacefulwife
          May 30, 2013 at 10:11 pm #

          Each man has his own list – that was about 10 different husband’s lists together.

          It is a bit lengthy. I know – I have thought about trying to edit it down – will pray about that some more.

          I can tell you this – YES – there are some seriously surprising things on there that most wives would never have guessed and absolutely do every single day.

          But – God is able to change our hearts and help us learn that mysterious foreign language of respect – it is pretty amazing to watch Him change a wife like that. I have seen it many times.

          I like the list about respect at the top of my home page, it is more positive and constructive.

          But first, wives usually learn what is disrespectful and try to stop that – even the unintentional stuff.

          Then they begin to add the stuff that speaks respect to their man – and many times God does some serious miracles! 🙂

          It’s wonderful to hear from you!

          Thanks for the comment.

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      • Sam
        November 16, 2013 at 10:02 am #

        Are you on Facebook

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      • happyholly75
        February 3, 2014 at 4:52 pm #

        I am sure I appear to be a HUGE failure. Having less than ideal upbringing it is very difficult to know what to say, how to react ect…epic fail. So, does this mean you who wrote this blog-you never do any of the things on this list? Ever?

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        • peacefulwife
          February 3, 2014 at 5:41 pm #

          Happyholly75,

          I used to do a lot of things on this list. 😦 I had no idea that most of these things were disrespectful.

          Yes- I was also an epic failure. It took over two years for me to have ANY clue how to get rid of most of the disrespect and what it meant to be respectful. Sure wish I had this list and the other one at the top of my home page about respect.

          Now, I have been on this journey for 5 years. Usually, I don’t even think disrespectful thoughts anymore. God has RADICALLY changed my heart. I am not generally tempted to do disrespectful things because I know how damaging they are to my husband.

          Am I perfect? No. I try to write on my PW FB page when I mess up. I can think of about 3 times I had to write about when I messed up last year with my husband. But – the mess ups are usually much smaller, and I can usually catch them very quickly now – that is only because God is working in my heart and life and giving me the power to do this stuff. I can’t do it on my own.

          It also helps to write about this for hours every day for 2 years – keeps it quite fresh in my mind! That is for sure!

          But God IS able to teach us to lay aside our sin, to die to self and to put on our new self in Christ and have victory over sin.

          I’m glad to walk beside you on this road, my friend! 🙂

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        • peacefulwife
          February 3, 2014 at 7:32 pm #

          Happy holly,

          I actually write this blog for women exactly like you. Very few of us had good examples of what it means to be a godly wife or a godly woman. This is like learning a new language, we need someone to explain and teach it to us. I am not perfect, but, it is my prayer that God might use me to connect the dots closer for those who come behind me. This blog has all the information I so desperately needed earlier in my marriage. I could have spared my husband and myself so much pain if i had understood these things before.

          Much love!
          April

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          • happyholly75
            February 3, 2014 at 7:56 pm #

            April,
            I appreciate your comments. I am just so broken and I am tired of praying. You see when I met my husband he was a non-believer and I was away from Christ when we married. As we had children I picked up my beliefs at the curb where I checked them, then hubby states, you are not who you were when we met, true. But I wonder if this marriage will fall apart. As I speak to him in the subject of Christ he tells me, I will never be the man of God you want me to be. That hope I once had disappears. It is sad. And I worry for our children, their parents, their beliefs, and their lives.

            To say the least our communication has always been terrible and after almost eleven years of marriage hope of that healing and getting better is disintegrating as well. You seem so happy and carefree. I just hope Jesus returns sooner. This life is too painful to keep going anymore.

            Holly

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            • peacefulwife
              February 3, 2014 at 8:12 pm #

              Happy holly,

              I was a worried, controlling, fearful, lonely wife when I began this journey. I thought my husband was very far from God.

              Thankfully, God gives wives wisdom and a powerful strategy when there is a husband who is far from Him. I Peter 3:1-6 is our assignment for as long as it takes.

              Our words about spiritual things are poison to our husbands when they are far from God. But, as we submit to Christ and become the women he commands us to be, we get out of His way and our husbands begin to hear God’s voice.

              I have a number of posts on this topic.

              Check out the posts (you can search my home page)

              – when I shut up, my husband heard God
              – my secret idol

              There is no guarantee that God will change your husband if you obey God. But, if you want your husband to come to God, the only way that will happen is if you obey God and do things His way. I can guarantee He will radically change you and give you the power to become the woman He longs for you to be! And you can have the same peace and joy of Christ that I have. Our God is able!!

              I am very glad to walk beside you on this journey. You don’t have to walk this road alone.

              I am praying for you and your walk with Christ! That is the most important thing.

              Much love!
              April

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            • happyholly75
              February 3, 2014 at 8:16 pm #

              Oh I wanted you to know how I found your blog! I googled, ‘how does low self esteem reflect unbelief in Christ?’ I am in the middle of a bible study called Me, Myself and Lies. It has been eye opening to say the least. But after reading many of your blogs I feel like such a failure and wonder if my life really has a purpose.

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              • peacefulwife
                February 3, 2014 at 9:07 pm #

                Happyholly75,

                Ooh! That sounds like a really great study! 🙂

                Your life absolutely has purpose – because of Jesus. 🙂 You know what? I spent 14.5 years thinking I was the best Christian wife ever – believing that I was respectful and submissive and that my husband was the one who was so far from God and needed to change. I didn’t even know I was actually majorly disrespecting him and that I was a control freak and that I had self as an idol and expected God and my husband to submit to me and do what I wanted. I was so prideful that I thought I ALWAYS knew better than Greg and I thought I knew better than God. 😦 I was hurting deeply in our marriage – and felt very unloved. I had NO IDEA that Greg was hurting as much or more than I was and that the reason he was so unplugged and shut down was because of my awful disrespect and control. He never said a word. Never. I assumed he had no feelings and that he was invincible. He wasn’t. I hurt him very much. 😦 Makes me want to cry right now just thinking about it.

                When I saw my MOUNTAIN of sin in December of 2008, I wanted to go live in a cave the rest of my life. I realized for the first time ever that I was a HUGE SINNER. I realized that I had been committing idolatry for decades every waking moment – making SELF, being in control, my husband, my happiness, feeling loved, etc… idols. What sin is worse than that!?!? I realized I didn’t really believe and trust in God – I committed the very evil sin of unbelief constantly. I really trusted MYSELF, not God – even though I thought I was such a strong Christian. I had rebelled against God’s commands for me as a wife and had pride as huge as Satan’s, or bigger – and couldn’t even see it all those years. I suddenly realized that almost every word out of my mouth and almost every thought that went through my mind was sin.

                I wanted to run away. I was completely overwhelmed. I cried and begged Greg to forgive me. he blew my mind when he forgave me for 14.5 years of my awful sin against him in 2 seconds. Wow. I couldn’t have forgiven him like that. I was AWFUL at forgiveness. I didn’t give grace to anyone, not even to myself. I begged God to forgive me. I was MORTIFIED. How could I have missed all that sin and focused so much on my husband’s sin? HOW?? Why didn’t I see this years earlier? UGH. I went almost totally silent for a long time – I was so afraid to talk because I knew if I talked, I would sin. The Frustrating Quiet Phase.

                I spent WEEKS and WEEKS confessing more and more pride and disrespect and idolatry to God.

                I had NO CLUE. NONE. About what it meant to respect my husband or what was disrespectful. I asked him to tell me. He didn’t know either. I felt like I was trying to learn Chinese with no teacher and no book. I spent two years reading over 30 books about godly femininity and being a godly wife and it took me all of those two years to BEGIN to be able to understand what respect was to a man – or to my husband.

                I wished I could erase those years of sin. I wanted it gone! I didn’t want my husband to have to remember what I had done. I even had to apologize to our extended family because I was controlling and disrespectful towards all of them, too. 😦

                But you know what? Now – I understand. Now, God is using my years of sin and blindness and this journey He has me on to bring literally thousands of women to Himself. Between this blog and my blog for single women, there have been over 2 million hits in the last 2 years. I have seen God transform hundreds of women miraculously by His power and His Word and His truth.

                You and I didn’t become disrespectful, controlling wives on purpose. We learned things from our upbringing and we learned that we were in control and needed to try to control in order to feel safe. We didn’t understand God’s sovereignty. We learned toxic things from our culture about what masculinity, femininity and marriage are. We didn’t realize what we didn’t know.

                But – it is ok, my precious sister!!!!!!!

                God is opening your eyes now. He is able to do so much more than all we could ever think, ask for, hope for or imagine according to His glorious will.

                He is able to heal your soul. He is able to give you comfort and you can find contentment and real peace in Him. It is a process. A long journey. It is the process of sanctification. It is all about His power working in you. You can’t do this. None of us can. We have to have God’s Spirit working and flowing through us like Niagra Falls. But for that to happen, we have to release all of the sin we are cherishing and repent and turn fully to Him, yielding our lives totally to Him as LORD.

                Jesus DOES have purpose for your life. He wants to use you to bless your husband and to draw him to Christ. He wants you to live in obedience to Him so that you can be closer and closer to Him and know Him deeply and richly and be connected and one in Spirit with Him. He longs to be close to you. But He will not force Himself on you. He is waiting for you to come to Him. 🙂

                He also has plans to empower you to be the godly woman He commands you to be and to share His truth with many other women one day – and to spread His healing message and His Good News and hope to others who are hurting and lost and hopeless.

                I wish I could hug your neck my sweet friend!

                Today is the first day of a new chapter in your life – if you are willing to lay down any sin and fully begin to trust and live for Jesus.

                You will take baby steps. You will fall. That’s ok. WE ALL DO!

                But Jesus is able to give you victory – and I am glad to walk beside you, love you, encourage you and point you to Christ! 🙂

                Much love,
                April

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        • Eliza
          May 25, 2015 at 2:52 pm #

          I would just like to say that I, too, was spiritually blind in this area for many, many years. When the Lord opened my eyes and I repented and got right with God and my husband, I immediately was keenly aware of the fact that the Lord had changed my heart. It seems for the most part that I just know by the Spirit what is respectful and what is not. God just put things in my heart and drastically changed my behavior. Mostly because I have so much peace now, I don’t walk around any longer on the verge of blowing up and losing it. I am SO at peace now. The things that used to trouble me no longer stress me out. Knowing God’s perfect plan for me as a wife has given me sooooo much inner security. This really is all a work of God. No way can we do this in our own power, wisdom, or strength. I absolutely cannot believe the changes God is bringing about in my husband now too! The Lord is so good and gracious to have this beautiful plan and purpose for us as wives and there are many blessings that come with it. Watching God work in my husband now too is a huge blessing! God is accomplishing things I never could! I just praise Him for being so good 🙂

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          • Peacefulwife
            May 26, 2015 at 8:44 am #

            Love this, Eliza! Thank you so much for sharing with our dear sister!

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      • Alyssa
        January 4, 2015 at 1:29 pm #

        No Evelyn, it doesn’t mean that. We as wives just need to make sure that we speak to our husbands with high regard. We should speak to him and not at him. We should season our words with love. Our husbands are not always right, but if we stay prayed up and speak to him when God puts it on our hearts then it will workout for us. Sometimes we don’t have to say anything to them, God will speak to him. Just ask God which time it is and faithfully follow His leading.

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      • Regina
        July 3, 2015 at 1:02 pm #

        I know what you mean. This list sounds like a little boy complaining.

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        • Peacefulwife
          July 3, 2015 at 1:50 pm #

          Regina,

          Thanks for sharing!

          Many of these things may seem small to us as women. Probably because for most of us, our primary need is love. I have a post on my husband’s blog about things husband’s do that make wives feel unloved. I suppose husbands may feel that a lot of those things sound like a little girl complaining and whining. Husbands and wives need both love and respect, but men tend to thrive on respect and women tend to thrive on love especially. (Eph. 5:22-33, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs)

          Another reason these things may seem like “whining” to us is that disrespect for men is normal now. That is almost all we see in the media and in relationships around us. So we have been largely desensitized to what respect even means for men, unfortunately. The consequence of this constant disrespect for men has been very destructive in our relationships. They feel unloved when they feel disrespected.

          My hope is to help women discover what helps their husbands feel respected and disrespected so that we can learn to meet their needs in the same way that we would really appreciate our husbands seeking to meet our needs. Men and women have diffrent needs, but that does not mean women’s needs are more important or that men’s needs are “wrong.”

          A godly wife will desire to learn to meet her husband’s deepest masculine needs for respect just to bless him, even if she doesn’t think the same way he does just like a godly husband will desire to learn to meet his wife’s deepest feminine needs for love just to bless her even if he doesn’t have the same exact needs. That is what mature spouses do – seek to bless the other person and meet that person’s unique needs without any strings attached.

          Our marriages might just be greatly blessed if we are willing to open our minds to our husbands’ needs and acknowledge that they have valid needs and concerns, too. I wish I had understood this 21 years ago when I got married. Could have saved my husband and myself over 14 years of a lot of pain and misery.

          Much love to you! May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage for His glory 🙂

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    • Ana Bouffard
      July 17, 2015 at 10:51 pm #

      I know as wives we are to submit to our husbands, but what if the husband does not fulfill his duties to support his wife and spend quality time with his family? For years, I have endured his selfishness, but now that he is able to provide earning 6X more than i do, he still don’t it. Much as i don’t want to answer him, he seems to be clueless why i am losing passion towards him…. I do not know what else to do…

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      • Peacefulwife
        July 18, 2015 at 8:00 am #

        Ana,

        It is really painful when we feel that our needs are being unmet by our husbands. What is it that you believe he should be doing specifically that he is not doing?

        How do you approach him with your needs and when he doesn’t fulfill them?

        How is your walk with Christ going, my sister?

        Much love to you!

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    • Lana
      January 18, 2016 at 10:46 pm #

      Interestingly enough, this rings true to me the other way around. 90% of this in my experience is what men do to women.

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      • Peacefulwife
        January 19, 2016 at 6:55 am #

        Lana,

        Women do need respect, as well. Many of these things would feel disrespectful to a wife if her husband did them to her. I would definitely not appreciate anyone doing most of the things on this list to me. I don’t write for men – but I believe that husbands and wives need to give and receive respect and love in marriage.

        Thanks for your comment!

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    • Jim
      January 23, 2016 at 8:05 pm #

      I’m commenting on the article, not ronfurg (I just couldn’t figure out how/where to post)…sorry!

      My wife does most of these to me on a regular basis. I can’t do anything right and she gets really angry if I ever ask for sex (really a bummer)!

      How can I show her love so that she’ll want to be nice and respectful. I laughed when I saw comments about telling her she’s disrespectful to me — if I did, she’d blow up.

      Help! (please?)

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      • Peacefulwife
        January 23, 2016 at 9:33 pm #

        Jim,

        It’s great to meet you. But I’m so sorry that things are very difficult and painful in your marriage.

        Have you attempted to address these issues by saying how you would like to be treated and that it is hurtful when she does these things? If so, how have you addressed them and what has her response been?

        How is your marriage going overall?

        How is your wife doing in general? Is she very sick, stressed, extremely overwhelmed, or doing great in other areas?

        What is your general personality? Do you tend to be more take charge and Type A, or more calm, even-keeled, and maybe a bit more passive?

        Why is your wife refusing sex? Is she having a medical problem? Does she feel that her needs are not being met? Is she exhausted or experiencing issues with pregnancy or side effects from birth control pills or medication? Was she abused in some way sexually in the past? Does she just have a low libido? Does she say she feels “like a piece of meat”? Does trust need to be rebuilt in some way for her to feel safe?

        What things does she say she needs?

        From my perspective as a wife, I think that it is important to figure out what is behind your wife’s behavior. You don’t have to answer these for me – but these questions may be a good place to start as you try to prayerfully evaluate what is happening. (If you want to talk about it with me, that is fine, too.)

        – Does she have a lot of scars from the past?
        – What was her example of marriage?
        – What does she believe she needs more than anything to be happy?
        – What are her greatest fears?
        – What are her expectations?
        – Does she feel safe, protected, and loved in the marriage?
        – Where is she spiritually?
        – Are there any major issues in the marriage – like addictions, uncontrolled mental illness, serious unrepentant sin, abuse, affairs, etc…?
        – Is she able to receive your love? If she doesn’t have the ability to receive love, that can be a big part of the problem.
        – Does she recognize disrespect, or does she not even realize she is being disrespectful (which many wives don’t)?
        – What is her personality?
        – What is her understanding of God’s sovereignty?
        – Does she feel that she must be in control or things will not “turn out right”?
        – What does she believe about herself, God, masculinity, femininity, and marriage?
        – Is she able to trust God and feel safe with Him? If she can’t trust God and doesn’t feel safe trusting Him and yielding control to Him, she can’t possibly feel safe with or trust an imperfect man.
        – Is she holding on to any bitterness/resentment against you, God, or anyone else?

        Here is a post that might be helpful…

        “Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?”

        Another question would be, how is your walk with Christ going, and where are you spiritually? That makes a big impact on a wife and marriage, as well.

        Lots of husbands read my blog and use it to “reverse engineer” things in their marriages. I believe you may find help here in Christ – and healing for you, your wife, and your marriage. That is my prayer.

        Much love in Christ!
        April

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  2. Anna Popescu
    September 19, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

    Wow, this is a fantastic list! Thank you for rounding up the guys for their comments. May you continue to be blessed as you continue to bless us “peaceful” wives!

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    • peacefulwife
      September 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

      Anna and Ronfurg,

      I think this list is phenomenal. I know it will help a lot of wives understand disrespect and respect much more clearly.

      Thank you to the husbands for your willingness to help the ladies out here!

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  3. marriagecoach1
    September 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    Great list, can I re-post it on my blog?

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    • peacefulwife
      September 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

      I think these husbands did a really great job. Of course you may!

      Thanks, Marriagecoach1

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  4. Marie
    September 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

    WOW! Have I got a lot of attitude cleaning to do! Thankfully, by the grace of God, I have acknowledged some of these behaviors and have been able to either cut back or even eliminate them. And for the ones that I have a hard time overcoming, I’ve been praying (sometimes in King David style anguish) to the Lord. I also know that you have been praying for me, April. Thank you, sweet prayer warrior!!! Thank you, also to the husbands who took the time to compile this list. 🙂

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    • peacefulwife
      September 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

      Marie,

      Yes – I pray for you daily, and I see God doing HUGE things in your soul. I see Him creating that gentle, peaceful spirit that does not give way to fear. I know it is tough to stay still for the chisel and hammer that God uses to shape us – but it is so worth it! Hang in there and cling to Christ, my dear friend. As you are able to eliminate all the disrespect – and begin to figure out how to show respect instead – God has so many miracles in store for you!

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  5. Emily C
    September 20, 2012 at 6:35 am #

    Thank you April- so helpful! Now, as GI Joe used to say, “knowing is half the battle…” now to put on the armor for the other half 🙂

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    • peacefulwife
      September 20, 2012 at 6:40 am #

      Emily,

      You are SO right! That was my problem for 15.5 years in our marriage – I didn’t know! It’s hard to fix something you don’t know is a problem.

      Thanks!

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  6. Ryan
    September 20, 2012 at 10:23 am #

    Forgot a big one.. asking “Why…?” when paired with Why would you do it like that and rolling the eyes.. or why would you go that way when it’s easier to go this way..

    Asking a question starting with WHY is automatically saying what you did is wrong and it should be done like this how can you not see that.

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    • peacefulwife
      September 20, 2012 at 10:30 am #

      Ryan,

      THANKS!

      You are absolutely right. I will add that to the list!

      Apr

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  7. Stephanie
    September 20, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    The look… that one made me laugh. Great blog. I always enjoy reading it! Thank you.

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  8. ifyoukeeponbelieving
    September 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    absolutely awesome list.

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    • peacefulwife
      September 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

      I totally agree! Very helpful and powerful stuff!

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  9. greatwhitediaries
    September 20, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

    Is there a good way to ask “why” that won’t be seen as disrespectful? I want to understand my husband’s thought processses so that when he’s gone, he’s military and gone a lot, I can know what he’s looking for in a good decision.

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    • peacefulwife
      September 20, 2012 at 6:39 pm #

      Greatwhitediaries,
      That is an awesome question!

      I’m going to ask the guys if they might answer – and, of course, you can ask your husband and see what he prefers, as well!

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    • peacefulwife
      September 20, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

      Greatwhitediaries,
      Check out the comments on my post tonight – one husband, Daniel, answered your question. I think there is a lot of wisdom in his answer.

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  10. peacefulwife
    September 20, 2012 at 6:39 pm #

    I had another husband add his thoughts to the list today. Some more really good points. I may put them in a separate post later. Don’t want anyone to miss them!

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  11. Mr. E
    September 26, 2012 at 10:49 am #

    Reblogged this on The Bad Husband.

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  12. Mr. E
    September 26, 2012 at 11:10 am #

    This is a fantastic list! So many of the things really jumped out at me. I thought about how disrespected, discouraged and defeated I feel when my wife does these things. I would add a few more to the list if I could…

    (1) criticism – specifically of character “youre a terrible husband” “a real man would do it this way” etc

    (2) care nothing about what the husband thoughts or feelings are on any particular subject or decision. Insisting that the only correct a nd “normal” conclusion is the one she came up with.

    (3) react with great emotional upset if husbands ideas, thoughts or what he finds important aren’t a mirror image of the wifes. And accuse him of not loving you like you deserve because he thinks differently.

    (4) assume the absolute most negative things about your husband. Assume that all his motives are selfish and evil. Give him no benefit of the doubt and absolutely, by no means, do not give him the respect to listen to what he has to say to find out what his thinking or motives are. Also be sure to never waver in your assumptions of evil.

    (5) dress him. Be sure to have an absolute conniption fit if he does not wear what you think is appropriate for the evening. Bonus points for telling him he looks like a fool because he wants to wear sneakers instead of sandals.

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    • peacefulwife
      September 26, 2012 at 7:01 pm #

      Mr. E,

      I LOVE your list! I wonder if you might allow me to include it in a post anonymously. I want to be sure all the wives see it. This is very good stuff. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insights! I think this will help wives be better able to understand how they come across sometimes to their men. Well done!

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  13. J
    October 6, 2012 at 10:26 am #

    I have a question regarding “insinuating – even slightly – that he doesn’t make enough money to satisfy you”… we have a very large amount of debt from my husband’s student loans and car and he is not working. I currently work 3 jobs (one full time and 2 on the side) to support the family and try to pay down the debt. He wants to freelance from home BUT it has not generated any significant kind of income (only a few hundred dollars) after many months. I am overwhelmed. How can I communicate my need for him to either increase his income significantly or get an outside job–in the very near future–without being disrespectful? If we had no debt I really would not care how much he made because my primary income is sufficient. But so many thing are on hold or in jeopardy until the debt is gone and I am afraid of what might happen if my hours are cut or I lose my job.

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    • peacefulwife
      October 6, 2012 at 10:41 am #

      Jenny,
      My view is to mention it from the perspective of “I can’t do this anymore.” “I’m overloaded.” “I’m overwhelmed.” “What do you want me to do?” “What can I cut back on?” “This is too much weight for me.”

      AND – I would be sure that paying off the debt is not a bigger priority than God or your marriage. Easier said than done. Debt is scary. I would want to cut it down as soon as possible, too. But if you succeed at paying off the debt in 2 years and destroy your marriage and relationship with God – that is NOT success!

      Do any of the husbands have any suggestions?

      Thanks, Jenny!

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      • Wild Man
        September 17, 2013 at 11:39 pm #

        Pastor Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church in Seattle has a good saying about men. We are like trucks; we run straighter bearing a load.

        What that means is your husband doesn’t have to carry the load because you’re carrying it for him. Until he is bearing the load, he will flail about and you will be exhausted. Transfer the load to his shoulders and refuse to carry it for him, and he won’t chase rainbows, and you won’t have a coronary.

        There are more ways than simply earning enough income to eliminate debt, too. Debt is a terrible thing, but it is better to file bankruptcy and still have love and respect than to end up getting divorced because you couldn’t respect your husband – especially if the debt is still not paid off before the divorce. Then you would have more debt!

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        • peacefulwife
          September 18, 2013 at 7:54 am #

          Thank you, Wild Man!

          I love that analogy. And I totally agree – men were made to carry responsibilities and function best under the load of family. 🙂 Beautiful!

          I agree about the finances, too. Ideally, no one would ever go bankrupt, but – it would be better to go bankrupt and be together with a strong marriage than to destroy the marriage over the finances.

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  14. joyfullysubmitted
    October 6, 2012 at 11:03 am #

    Reblogged this on Joyfully Submitted and commented:
    I had not planned to post this weekend, but I just had to share this when I came across it. It is perfectly appropriate for our current topic of discussion!

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  15. ronfurg
    October 6, 2012 at 3:49 pm #

    April — I believe your response is the right one. Just as a husband, or wife for that matter, can go to our LORD with our cares without being disrespectful to Him, a wife can, and I believe should, go to her husband with her cares and concerns and our “overwhelmedness.” The heart attitude is the all important factor. When we ask for God’s guidance or help it is in no way disrespectful. However, there should be no accusatory tone or, as the question states, any sort of insinuation.

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  16. Attorney springfield mo
    November 29, 2012 at 12:13 am #

    In a marriage there are a lot of expectations on both sides. However there are some things that a partner totally dislikes and the other one should try to mend ways on that. Thanks!

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  17. Desperate Wife
    January 5, 2013 at 6:14 am #

    Peaceful Wife- First let me commend you on this blog. I stumbled upon it one day while prayerfully seeking answers about my marriage. This list was very detailed and long! Lol! I think it just about covered every way a wife can display disrespectful behavior to her husband. Although I’m the one that seems actively trying to improve my marriage, I still seek to find my errors and correct them. I can’t begin to disclose all of the complex issues I’m facing; however I ask for your prayers and intercession. I don’t know if I want to try anymore. I’m severely malnourished in my relationship in the areas of (communication, leadership, compromise, etc. etc) and wonder if staying is the will of God for my life.

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  18. Katherine
    January 18, 2013 at 12:43 am #

    Or y’know, you could just try mutual respect and the three C’s- Cooperation, Communication and Compromise. Then you don’t have to lug around a huge list- just be a decent person. That works too.

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    • peacefulwife
      January 18, 2013 at 6:31 am #

      Yes, being a decent person would be a big step in the right direction! 🙂

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    • Cecilia
      October 20, 2013 at 4:37 pm #

      I think this is the point: “mutual” respect; you can’t FORCE your husband to respect you, and THESE are the ways he perceives disrespect. Not every husband’s fore-brain is open to your “Three-C’s”, but his spirit will perceive your respectful behavior and respond favorable to it (unless he is a total animal)

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      • peacefulwife
        October 20, 2013 at 8:21 pm #

        Cecelia,

        Yes, there should be love and respect going both ways in every marriage. 🙂

        You can’t force anyone else to do anything. That is absolutely right. We can influence people. But we cannot control them.

        Husbands do have differing opinions sometimes on the particulars of what is respectful. And husbands only allow themselves to be influenced by people they respect – generally. So, we can have the most influence on our men, in a godly way, when we have qualities of dignity, loyalty, honesty, integrity, respect, gentleness, joy, peace, patience, grace, mercy, faithfulness, goodness, love, kindness and self-control.

        Thanks so much for sharing, 🙂

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  19. Robert
    January 27, 2013 at 12:08 pm #

    Peacefulwife, I have enjoyed reading your blog about what husbands view as disrespectful. I notice, however, in the very extensive list that it was not mentioned the relationship problem inherent in step-families, where the mother favors her biological child(ren) over and above her God appointed head. (reference 1 Cor. 11:3 & Eph 5:23) I say this b/c too many women feel that their offspring come before their mates, and this is not in harmony with Jehovah’s view as recorded in Genesis 2: 24, where the husband and his wife, NOT the mother and her offspring, would become one flesh. Jesus even reiterated this at Matt. 19: 4-7, where he mentioned that the two (man and his wife) will be one flesh. The same can be said of a husband who is favorable toward his biological offspring over and above his wife. This, too, would not be scriptural. (reference Eph. 5: 24, 25, 28-33; 1 Pet. 3:7)

    Also, I commend you for going against the grain in following Christ’s example of subjection, and applying it in your marriage. Women like you truly exemplify the wife described an Prov. 31.

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    • peacefulwife
      January 27, 2013 at 1:38 pm #

      Robert,

      I am SO glad you brought up this point! I have addressed it – but it was many months ago. And I definitely want to include this point in the post about disrespect. This is a huge source of contention and disrespect in many families. I have counseled with a number of wives that were putting their biological children above their husband and things were a MESS for the marriage and the children.

      This is a particularly challenging aspect of respect for wives – even when they are married to the father of their children. So many wives are extremely afraid to trust their husbands’ parenting. And, unfortunately, they end up often causing much worse damage to their children by undermining their husbands’ authority and refusing to cooperate with his decisions than their husbands would have caused even if they made a poor decision – in my view. And when you add step-children into the equation – things get REALLY complicated and convoluted. I counsel women to follow their husband’s decisions. I believe they may say what they want and feel and desire to happen. I believe wives should share their perspectives respectfully, calmly and politely. But then I believe that God’s Word is clear that we are to cooperate with our husbands’ ultimate decision unless he is clearly asking us to sin or condone sin.

      Would you allow me to add your comments to this post? I appreciate your insights greatly!

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      • Robert
        January 29, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

        Sure, you can use whatever comments I make on whatever post you choose. It is, after all, your blog.

        Also, as I think of it, you may add:

        – making accusations based, not on facts, but on emotion, and allowing this to guide subsequent actions/speech.

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  20. Me
    February 12, 2013 at 5:47 pm #

    Getting angry when your husband confronts you about something you did wrong.

    Blaming him for your emotions during arguments, especially during PMS, pregnancy, and other ‘hormonal’ times.

    Promising sex and not following through. Promising sex and making him until a long ‘to-do’ list is done when it could be done earlier.

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  21. espressolane
    February 18, 2013 at 3:43 am #

    oh how this list reminds us that we are only human & we fall short daily in many aspects of our walk with The Lord and secondly our spouses. I think it’s a great idea to make a check list of weak areas and make it a point to pray on these areas and select a few a day to work on and then move on down the list…. By the end of week two we will have become accustomed to the change on the right direction and it will become second nature to us! Even the best of the best fall short daily and needs to now the knee and ask for forgiveness and guidance. Noone is perfect. What a great list…..maybe wives need a list of husbands weaknesses? Maybe it would be of help for your male readers? Or even for us wives to see our weak areas from it is about the guys that irritate us….& we can improve the entire situation and stop the vicious cycle that’s stuck on repeat.

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    • peacefulwife
      February 18, 2013 at 9:01 am #

      Yes, we are all human and sinful and we do all fall short. How I wish I had a list like this years ago because I didn’t even see my sin for many years!

      I also have a list about what husbands find to be respectful at the top of my home page that is very helpful.

      I only write for women, so I do not address husbands or advise them. But my husband has such a list on his site http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.ccm.

      Thank you for your comment! 🙂

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  22. Lily
    March 4, 2013 at 7:50 pm #

    I came here (to your blog) after finding out that my husband has been feeling degraded by me for a long time. Yesterday, he was looking for the kleenex box. He kind of grunted and finally got up and got one from another room. He has asked me to be more direct when I speak to him, so instead of saying “for future reference, the box that used to be there was moved over there by [our son] for easier access”, instead I said ” the box is over there now” and pointed. I felt it was information exchange just as dull and unobtrusive as “we’re having chicken for supper”. He then told me to stop degrading him and correcting his choices after he makes them. That he had found a box and was happy with that. I was so stunned I dropped my water bottle on the floor. I said that I was only trying to help as I thought he was looking for that box and deserved to know where it was. He then told me that I “help” like this all the time and that it shows a lack of faith in him. I was heartbroken. After a long cry, while he cooled down, I asked if the other phrasing would have been better. He said it would have been, because it was not accusatory. (I talk too much and I have been working hard to be direct when addressing him, as he prefers “the way men talk – concise and to the point with no needless babble”.) The discussion went on to reveal many more shortcomings, including that my medical conditions are making it impossible to rely or depend on me. I want to be helpful to my family even tho I am not able to physically do what I once was. Information was my way of helping but he has told me that I must stop being helpful to him if I want him to feel more respected. I’m struggling because I was reared to believe that NOT helping people was tantamount to harming them. I always lend a hand whenever and wherever I can. It’s part of my identity and to shut it off for my husband feels like lying about my true self, even tho it’s what he wants. I am truly heartbroken. I never thought of myself as disrespectful and this has been quite a blow. Finding out that he has been suffering silently all these months, when I thought I was being a kind, cheerful, helpful wife makes me feel like a monster. I am fearful that I will not be able to change my behavior sufficiently in all the ways that I now know I am deficient. I want to please him dearly. The one thing I am thankful for is that that box of kleenex opened my eyes to why I have felt that he has been pulling away from me, emotionally and physically, these last few months. I don’t want to lose his love. Do you have any advice to help me?

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    • peacefulwife
      March 4, 2013 at 8:52 pm #

      Lily,
      I so relate to your feelings right now! I always thought I was the BEST Christian wife EVER – the first 14.5 years of our marriage. I thought I was being responsible and helpful. I thought I was doing the right thing all the time. And when I read Love and Respect 4 years ago – I was SHOCKED to learn that not only did I not have “a high A on my wife report card” I probably had more like a D-. I wanted to go live in a cave and never see anyone again! I cried for 3 days. How could it be possible that I never saw all my PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, idolatry (of being in control myself, and of my husband – expecting him to be responsible for my happiness), and my disrespect and rebellion against God’s Word. I thought i was obeying Him all that time.

      My husband NEVER said anything about my sin. He suffered silently, too. I was sure if I hurt him, he would quickly tell me just like I told him constantly that I felt unloved and lonely. 😦 He never did.

      It is shocking to really have to face the fact that I am a wretched sinner. That I don’t just owe Jesus “a little bit” but rather, I owe Him “billions of dollars” of sin debt. Who knew?!!?

      My entire blog is about this subject. There are over 400 posts that will help you! 🙂 YOu may want to start with the ones at the top of my home page – maybe the one about respect next. And then the one about biblical submission. There is also a collection of some of my youtube videos under “Peacefulwife Videos.” And my Youtube channel is “April Cassidy.”

      I will be happy to walk beside you on this road. It is a LONG journey. You will probably have to throw away most of what you think you know about being a believer in CHrist, about femininity, masculinity, what it means to be a wife, what it means to be a husband and marriage and rebuild on the foundation of Christ and His WOrd alone instead of the poison of our culture that has so contaminated our marriages.

      Check out some of those posts, then let me know how you are doing and what you are thinking and we will begin the baby steps. Another helpful post – you can scroll on my blog timeline at the top of my home page to Jan 1, 2013. That is a great one to start with, too.

      Much love to you! God is ABLE! This is the beginning of a new chapter and healing for your relationship with God and your husband. :

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      • Lover of Israel
        February 21, 2015 at 4:26 pm #

        April,

        I am curious if, in looking back, you think that you would’ve reacted well if your husband had not remained silent. I have been vocal about the pain since the begining. For a long time I believed she was trying, but she also usually told me that I was really to blame (mostly intimacy issues in the beginning). I think she never really intended to change the things I needed her to (only outwardly, as a duty).

        At this point it has been well over 20 years. There is constant contempt, but she thinks she is /very/submissive. She is aloof and distant in nearly every way, but will do things that are “nice” and never address problems or change her mind.

        I dealt with an emotionally abusive Mom, and am already prone to depression. Between her success in controlling/blaming me in the beginning, my depression (which has hung on for years, interfering with getting a good job), and my admission of how devastated I am, she seems to have made those things into reasons to harbor contempt. She says she respects but doesn’t even respond to me (blank stare) unless I press her.

        I’m the only one who wants intimacy, and my pain and candor provides no motivation for repentance or empathy. She is quiet and passive aggressive, and is empathetic to everyone else, so no one I counsel with will believe or help me in useful ways.

        Just so you know, I do try to work. I am very underemployed, but have done yard work, and whatever else to keep my kids out of public school. I have experience in tech work, and a liberal arts degree, but I’m willing to work.

        Sorry this got so long, especially on an old post. Thank you for encouraging wives to respect and submit to their husbands!

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        • Peacefulwife
          February 21, 2015 at 5:01 pm #

          Lover of Israel,

          If Greg had confronted me and told me I was being disrespectful and that I had hurt him and pushed him away – I think I would have been in total shock. I think I would have been devastated. And I think I would have had to face my sin. I really truly did love him. I didn’t want to hurt him. I had no idea he was hurting and no idea I was sinning against him. I don’t know that I would have responded “well.” I would have been really confused, but I do wish Greg had shared with me exactly what I was doing to him and the marriage.

          After communicating with thousands of wives who were (or still are) controlling – I do realize that there is a wide spectrum of receptivity among women to these ideas. Some women’s hearts are immediately pricked and they are immediately repentant. Others are angry when they read about these things. Sometimes very angry. Sometimes it takes time for a wife to “wake up.” I have seen it take years. I do know this – a person can explain this stuff, but until God opens a woman’s (or man’s) eyes and convicts her of her sin by His power, she won’t see it herself.

          Most wives have no idea how they are coming across to their husbands. They are hurting deeply themselves, and they may not realize that their husbands are hurting equally. And many husbands think that for a wife to change to be respectful should be so easy – just a simple flip of a switch. It is not easy at all. It requires a complete and total gutting of our sinful nature, our old ways of thinking, our old understanding of God, men, self, femininity, masculinity, and marriage. I REALLY, REALLY wanted to learn to respect Greg when God opened my eyes 6 years ago. I read over 30 books in 2.5 years and it took me the whole 2.5 YEARS to begin to feel like I had any clue what I was doing or how to avoid disrespect and how to respect Greg well. It was SO frustrating! I felt like I was trying to reinvent the wheel without having ever seen one.

          Here is a post that may help husbands understand how complicated this journey and issue is. It truly takes the power of God’s Spirit for a woman to become a godly wife – and it is a LONG, LONG process.

          It is my understanding that husbands go through a very similar process of God helping them to totally gut their souls, hearts, and minds and rebuilding on Christ and His Word alone from scratch to become the men God calls them to be, as well. It is the process of sanctification.

          I think that many passive husbands had controlling, disrespectful moms – and being married to a controlling, disrespectful wife feels pretty normal – sadly.

          There is a really good chance that your wife’s definition of respect and submission do not remotely match yours and that she probably has no idea what your definitions would be. It takes tiny baby steps for a lot of wives to grasp this – and it requires things being spelled out in great detail.

          Does she have a relationship with Christ?

          What is your relationship with Christ?

          Is she willing to read some books about godly marriage with you?

          Praying for you, my precious brother – and for your precious wife, as well!

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  23. Jenny
    March 21, 2013 at 8:01 pm #

    You know, I think on many levels this is a simple ‘couples’ respect list… No wife would want to be treated in the above manner either. I find that my husband does a lot of the above and I often feel dismissed, devalued, disrespected, annoyed, frustrated, and the list goes on of negative emotions… to the point that I give up inside and just want out of the marriage thinking it will not change. I am a wife, and my husband does a good fair share of the list provided. It upsets me regularly. Trying to ‘submit’ to someone behaving in the manner above is less than ideal. Both parties are to submit to EACH OTHER and to the marriage… If one party is doing the above list, it creates a lot of emotional distance and anger and pain in the other and in the marriage… it really makes a person want to fight and leave, and find someone that appreciates them, or at least knows how to treat another human with kind regard rather than childish defensive power plays all the time… this is as I see it, the stuff of this list.. control freak stuff that really ruins relationships. I am guilty of some of it myself.. I am of course not perfect, however, it makes me sad that I see these things as problematic and wish them to change, but my husband doesn’t see his ways… maybe if I am more of a ‘peaceful wife’ as you describe he might? Maybe he is behaving as such because of my own behaviors as well… or in-part at least.

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    • peacefulwife
      March 21, 2013 at 8:09 pm #

      Jenny,

      Both spouses definitely need love and respect from each other. Yes, many things on this list would absolutely feel very disrespectful to wives as well and create the exact response you have described.

      When one spouse does something hurtful – many times the other spouse responds in a hurtful way, too. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (Love and Respect) calls this “The Crazy Cycle.” He describes how when a husband feels disrespected, he reacts in a way that comes across unlovingly to his wife. And when a wife feels unloved, she reacts in a way that is disrespectful to her husband – and the cycle just spins on and on and on until someone decides to give the other person what he/she needs even if his/her own needs go unmet for awhile.

      A husband’s love motivates his wife’s respect. Her respect motivates his love.

      But even if only one person changes – even if the other person doesn’t try to change one bit – and one person begins meeting the needs of the other selflessly – yes, most of the time, eventually, the other person will begin to reciprocate.

      Ultimately – as believers in Christ, we respect and love because that is what Christ asks us to do – and He will reward us in heaven for how we treat others when we obey Him. If my motive is to try to control or change my husband, it won’t work.

      But if you do look at your end of the relationship and cut out the negatives and begin adding respectful positive things (I have a post at the top of my home page about respect as well) – I believe that in time you will become the person you want to be and have many less regrets. And as your husband feels more respected and honored, most men respond to that (once they really believe it is true and not a passing fad) by desiring to serve their wives and love them more.

      I’m here if you want to talk through things some more. 🙂

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  24. Taboo
    March 21, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

    Here is a list of stuff my husband does, that looks just like this wishlist that a husband would have for his wife:
    1. Too busy with work and work stress to be able to relax with me at night.
    2. Dumps all his problems/complaints on me first thing when he gets home as if I don’t have any stress myself.
    3. Is often ‘slightly’ late when I am waiting for him at home with dinner on the table that I came home early from work to prepare for us.
    4. Promises more sex on a regular basis and is then too tired or stressed from his work to follow through…
    5. even promises that if he doesn’t follow through on the sex, he will replace it with a foot massage… [still owes me several of those.. and hasn’t followed through on that either]
    6. Often gets overly emotional and/or outraged at things and goes to extreme black and white thinking…
    7. If I launch a ‘complaint’ about something, threatens to take that thing away completely as a way to ‘fix’ the problem.
    8. Often ignores me while I am trying to talk to him if he is too busy with the TV
    9. Rarely apologizes
    10. Finds committing to a date night once a week is too much.
    11. Fights and complains at me if I ask him to not work every single day of the week so that we can have at least one day to ourselves… for some sort of fun and relaxation.
    12. Says his workaholism is for ‘our’ benefit… that he is doing it for me/us [I hold down a full time job myself that is providing ALL of our savings.. yet HE is the one that is stressed out and doing it all for us…]
    13. Acts often like ‘marriage’ is holding him back for a more free life of impulse
    14. Is often defensive
    15. Is often negative, to the point I have to be the cheerleader of the home to have some peace.
    16. Baby talks me
    17. Asks me “Do you know I love you?” which I find to be a horrid weird question, and makes everything awkward. The one time I said honestly that I wasn’t sure because it didn’t feel that way when he said or did such and such”… he got furious with me, so I quickly learned to just say ‘yes’.
    18. Refuse to join bank accounts for the frist 8 months of marriage creating a very unstable feeling in the marriage.
    19. Often say he will do something, and not follow through…
    20. Make promises for dates and fun things, but then tell me that ‘he learned from the way our honeymoon went that he cannot make any mistakes..’ so I need to book it all myself so I cannot be upset about any of it.
    21. Not allow me to influence him.
    22. Acts jealous of my place of work, my life/schedule, my ‘freedom’ if I will stay at home to take care of our future kids while he has to work and work to provide
    23, Acts like a big tough guy with an overly inflated ego, but constantly complains about TONS of stuff on a daily basis, often things he can be much more calm and assertive about, taking a more leadership role…

    I don’t know… It’s hard to be a peaceful WIFE under the circumstances of the above.. a peaceful person even…
    but maybe I will practice more of what you are saying and see if it makes a difference? at least in my own peace of mind.

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    • Jenny
      March 21, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

      Wow thanks! I cannot believe you responded. I am very grateful. I guess it felt good for me to vent because, being married, I still don’t know who to talk to so that I don’t make my husband feel disrespected… and I often feel alone. “Crazy cycle” is right… I listen to Dr. Laura a lot, so I know what you say here is also true… I just get so frustrated… I make a point NOT to complain much, and not to unload my stress to him, but also I try to guard myself from some of his stress because it becomes overwhelming for me, and if I tell him to give me a breather here and there, he becomes defensive and that makes me feel worse that just shouldering his stress… Then I figure he has enough stress for the both of us, but that doesn’t work either because I am not a garbage can, and all that negative energy has to go somewhere… so I suppose it comes back out in another way on my end. I think I have the ‘quiet’ part down… all I need to embrace is the ‘compliment’ part… I am really not great at that, especially when my glasses are colored with disrespect… meaning, I have lost respect for my husband, and I do not look up to him much lately, so it is easy to not say anything at all, and just think these thoughts and have a pleasant demeanor, but to give a sincere compliment, which I know he is needing, has been a really tough thing for me and it is where I struggle… Maybe I can start small! I will try it. I mean really, I used to like him! I should be able to like him again, or at least some things about him?! I think things are just colored in a bad way because of all the built up resentment…

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      • peacefulwife
        March 21, 2013 at 9:10 pm #

        I definitely think there are some things you can find, even small things, to thank him for and appreciate him for.

        The fact that he is working if he is working.
        The fact that he is still there with you.
        Those are some places to start. 🙂

        Anything you can think of that you do appreciate, admire or respect about him?

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    • peacefulwife
      March 21, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

      Taboo,
      Are either of you believers in Christ?

      How long have you been married?

      What do you do when he doesn’t meet your expectations? What thoughts go through your head? What expression do you usually have on your face? What tone of voice?

      What does he ask you to do/change?

      Do you have any children?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      What is your goal in the marriage?

      Let’s hash through this stuff together! There is every reason for hope! This situation is not at all beyond help. YOU alone have a ton of power to breathe life and healing into this marriage.

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  25. AWife
    April 19, 2013 at 10:43 pm #

    Many of these comments could go both ways. A husband shows a disrespect for his wife when he participates in some of these behaviors. Some of these do not appear to be disrespectful, such as asking your husband if he remembered to pack something. We all forget things, so double-checking with our husbands to make sure he has everything he needs is not disrespectful.

    Also, if a husband is emotionally abusive or distant, or he shows affection and kindness only when he wants sex, a wife will feel like sex is a chore. Unkindness and abuse require a wife to detach emotionally in order to survive. She definitely will not feel emotionally involved or close to her husband.

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    • peacefulwife
      June 24, 2013 at 4:05 pm #

      AWife,

      Yes, each husband has his own list. Some things that are respectful to one husband feel disrespectful to another. So it is definitely important for us to study and learn how our own husband best feels respected and what feels disrespectful to him.

      Great points!

      And yes, God desires us as wives and husbands to love and respect each other.

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  26. D
    June 18, 2013 at 7:44 am #

    AHHH this blog is AMAZING~! I wish I found this years ago! God forgive me for being such a bratty woman!

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    • peacefulwife
      June 18, 2013 at 8:00 am #

      D,
      Thankfully, God is able to forgive and empower you to be the woman of HIS dreams! I wish I had known this stuff 19 years ago myself!!!!!

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  27. Shelly
    June 24, 2013 at 3:57 pm #

    Cliff notes version:

    Husbands are instructed to LOVE their wives.
    Wives are instructed to RESPECT their husbands.

    Women don’t need to be told how to love.
    We need to be told how to respect.

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    • peacefulwife
      June 24, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

      Thanks, Shelly! I agree!

      I have some posts on that…

      Ladies can search the word “respect” on my home page. There is also a post at the top of my home page about how to respect our husbands and one about respect and sexual attraction.

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  28. Sabine
    July 27, 2013 at 11:13 am #

    Wow! I knew men were difficult. But according to this list ( thanks for putting it together btw) wives are simply not allowed to do anything or say anything. This is very … encouraging. Thanks men! I’ll just go, shut up and make dinner…. 😉

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    • peacefulwife
      July 27, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

      Sabine,
      I’m glad you left a comment. 🙂
      This list can seem impossible for many wives when they first see it. Some women get really angry about it. I don’t know anything about you, your husband or your relationship with Christ. Apart from God, in our own sinful nature – wives tend to either be dominating, controlling and disrespectful (many times, not purposely) – or they tend to be doormats with no opinions, no voice and no influence. Neither of these extremes honors God or blesses our marriages.

      Men, apart from God, tend to either by dominating, controlling tyrants or passive, unplugged and uninvolved as husbands. Neither of these things honors God or blesses a marriage, either.

      This blog is about God’s beautiful design for marriage – Ephesians 5:22-33.

      In God’s power, it is possible for Him to change our hearts and our minds by giving us brand new heart and minds in Christ Jesus when we commit our lives to Him as not just Savior – but also Lord of all. First, God desires all believers in Christ to be completely submitted to Christ. Then, He can take away our old desires, anxiety, loneliness, fear, feeling of having to try to control things, wisdom, resentment, anger, bitterness, pain, etc… and Jesus can create in us His will, His desires, His motivations, His holiness, His healing, His wisdom and give us a desire for His glory alone.

      Respecting our husbands is not about being quiet and saying nothing but being full of anger inside.

      It is about being totally yielded to God and allowing Him to work in our hearts so that we are bursting with His joy, His goodness, His power, His love, His respect, etc. I do not respect my husband because he deserves it. I respect my husband because Jesus deserves my obedience and this is one thing He asks me to do. I do it because my obedience to Him meets my husband’s masculine needs.

      God also commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it. God wants them to love us as a reflection of His love in them – not because we deserve it. We need our husband’s love – but we do not always deserve it – just like they need our respect – even when they don’t deserve it in our minds.

      Men and women have very different needs and perspectives and ways of thinking and feeling. This stuff does not come naturally to us and it is certainly not supported in our culture today.

      There ARE ways for a woman to learn to speak her husband’s language of respect fluently (in time, with practice and study and prayer) – and then she can communicate her needs, desires and issues MUCH more powerfully to her husband in ways that he can actually hear and be able to care about much more. Learning to meet our husbands’ needs for respect not only pleases God, but it makes it possible for us to have much greater emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy with our men.

      What Does Respect Look Like in Marriage
      How to Ask for Something So That Your Husband Wants to Say “Yes.”
      What Does it Mean to Respect My Husband?

      We cannot control our men. We cannot change them. We cannot force them to do things our way.

      Our power is greatest when we focus on our own relationship with Christ and allow Him to work in our husbands’ lives.

      We are only in control of our own behavior, our emotions, our attitudes, our sin, our relationship with God – and we are accountable to God to be the women and wives He calls us to be – with a gentle, peaceful spirit who do what is right and do not give way to fear. (I Peter 3:1-6) We are able to have peace and do what is right because of His Spirit working powerfully in us – and we are able to not give way to fear because we trust the sovereignty of God and have great faith in Christ. That is beautiful femininity to God.

      God can change people. He wants to start with us.

      I am lifting you up in prayer. You are welcome here. 🙂

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  29. Judith July
    August 8, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    Wow.. Thank you so much! This one is going into my prayer journal for sure!

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    • peacefulwife
      August 8, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

      Judith,
      I SO needed this list 19 years ago!!!!!!!!! I’m glad it is helpful. 🙂

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  30. LEAH
    August 13, 2013 at 4:02 am #

    Hello,
    I first want to say that I am totally in love with Christ where submitting to my husband isn’t always what I want to do but because my Heavenly Father requires that of me I do. With that being said my husband is the most amazing man I have every known outside of my God fearing father. My husband makes it very easy for me to submit to him because he is loving me “like Christ loves the church”. I believe that this is list is good for women who do not possess the “gentle and quiet spirit” that Our Creator has created us to be. I know that I do more than half of what is on the list and my master is no less of a man and doesn’t feel any less respected. You know the saying “you can draw more bees with honey than you do with vinegar” I believe that it is very true. You can voice your opinion more than once, help him with his outfits (my husband loves this because he wants to look attractive to me and I to him), check over or look further into the decisions he is making without being disrespectful. If you men feel threaten or disrespected every time your wife do these type of things then (in all respect) you are calling God a lie and saying you do not need the HELP MEET he has created for you. Women if your husband feels like every time you open your mouth you are disrespecting him then you are being disobedient. God said, “Obedience is better than sacrifice” women obeying God is better than sacrificing peace in your home. This was the longest list ever. By the time I finished it I said to myself this man wants his wife to SHUT UP lol. Women shut up sometimes. You don’t always have to say something. Your husband would get so use to it that when you do open your mouth he knows that “wisdom is on your tongue”. I hope that this comment didn’t hurt anyone, but encourage. I love you all and I just prayed that everyone this page receive what they need to make a their marriage LONG AND STRONG! GOD BLESS MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST!

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    • peacefulwife
      August 13, 2013 at 10:08 am #

      Leah,

      Different husbands have different definitions of respect – that is why I included a number of husband’s comments (about 9 men contributed). There are some husbands who WANT their wives to pack their suitcases for them or pick out their clothes. What is most important is definitely not what these husbands say or think but what our own husbands think! 🙂 I totally agree!

      If there is an overriding tone of disrespect from the wife and a lack of trust – some of these things do feel disrespectful to some husbands.

      There are definitely ways each wife can be a true helpmeet and give her own ideas, personality, perspective, feelings, desires and talents to the marriage.

      Thanks for the comment!

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  31. Cynthia
    October 15, 2013 at 9:03 am #

    WOW! Thank you Peaceful wife! u have been very helpful and all those comments too… I am a 25year old married Mother of one. the list is sooo eye-opening. realized stuff that I do that I wasn’t really aware of. now, I need ur input. I am Zimbabwean and in African culture, its respectful to go down on ur knees when serving or handing something to your elders. well, I do that with my elders but cannot bring myself to kneel down for my husband. he is 29yrs old. we have been married for almost two years now. our maid kneels dwn when serving him food but I CANNOT do that! and he has remarked abt it. (I dnt even kneel down for my dad except when there are other people around and he doesn’t mind). I do kneel for him when there are my in-laws or other people around. I dnt hand him things standing, I sit dwn and serve him. bt he asks me I dnt kneel for him?! PLIZ HELP! how do I deal wth this? I cannot kneel for him, its just not right to me. my mom never kneeled for my dad and his mom also dsnt kneel for his dad (his mom has even asked me to stop kneeling for them, sayng its old fashioned bt out of respect for them, I always kneel for them). I see my husband as a best friend and partner… kneeling for him means that I will have to start calling him in a plural term [in our vernacular language there are two “you”s one in singular and the other in plural used to call ur elders or more than one person. just like in French you have “tu’ and “vous”]. I talk to him in singular term and have asked him if he wants me to use the plural term and he has said no. now why should I kneel for him?? I just CANT.

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    • peacefulwife
      October 15, 2013 at 9:35 am #

      Cynthia,

      It is wonderful to hear from you!

      I am not at all familiar with African culture – so I am not sure that I can adequately address this particular issue in the context of your culture.

      But – if he feels disrespected by your actions – this would be something to prayerfully, and humbly consider.

      It makes me think about the night before Jesus, the God of the universe, was crucified – how he put a towel around his waist, knelt before each of His disciples and washed their feet. This was usually done by a slave. He told them “Whoever wants to be greatest among you must be a servant of all.”

      Much love!

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  32. Cynthia
    October 16, 2013 at 12:29 pm #

    Thank you Peaceful Wife. I will pray about it.

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  33. peacefulwife
    October 17, 2013 at 10:56 am #

    Tami,

    I wish I had had such a list 19 years ago! Would have saved me many tearful nights.

    I’m so glad this is helpful for you. I pray God will give you the wisdom and power to become the wife of His dreams for His glory. Please let me know if you want to talk about anything! 🙂 Much love to you!

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  34. Emily
    October 19, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

    Thank you much for this!! My hubby is much like yours when I ask him about respect… He just shrugges or says I don’t know…. I seriously may print this out! Thank you!!

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  35. Andrew
    November 6, 2013 at 6:39 pm #

    Another one is putting your head in the sand when there is a need for a serious discussion needed( like a talk about when the next child should come along like before or after we buy a house) and another disrespect for Everyman I believe is saying you will make and effort on something and then not putting any effort in.

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    • peacefulwife
      November 7, 2013 at 6:45 am #

      Thank you, Andrew. Those are very helpful additions. I will add them to the list. 🙂

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      • Sam
        November 15, 2013 at 2:12 pm #

        What is the bes way to get your wife to realize that she is not being respectful without belittling her or without condemning her?

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        • peacefulwife
          November 15, 2013 at 3:04 pm #

          Sam,

          That is a really great question! Some wives are more able to hear this than others.

          If your wife truly cares about your feelings and loves you – hopefully, she will want to know that she has hurt you with her actions and attitudes and words.

          Most women have NO IDEA what is disrespectful to men. Respect/disrespect are not generally on our radar. If you use the word “respect” or “disrespect” sometimes women don’t understand what you are talking about.

          A few ideas:
          – “Honey, that felt disrespectful just now. Did I just come across unlovingly?” (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs “Love and Respect”)
          – “Babe, when you use that tone of voice with me, it feels rude/disrespectful.”/ “Please don’t use that tone of voice with me. That is hurtful.”
          – “It hurts me when you do/say X.”
          – “I don’t like it when you do/say Y.”
          – “Please don’t undermine my authority to the kids. That is very destructive not only to our marriage, but to our children.”

          Some wives may be open to the idea of reading the book “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

          Some wives may be willing to sit and read Ephesians 5:22-33 with you. Then you could gently say, “Sweetheart. I love you deeply. I know I have room to grow as a husband. It means so much to me when you treat me with respect. It makes it easier for me to love you the way you really want to be loved.”

          Then, you may need to give some examples of disrespect or respect.

          I have had some husbands print off this post and let their wives read it. That sometimes will bring conviction.

          Praying for wisdom for you.

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  36. trelara7
    December 1, 2013 at 4:10 pm #

    Hi there! I read your blog daily and have learned SO MUCH that has enlightened me in many ways on how I should treat my man. I am engaged, so I am trying to start now I’m treating him the correct way through obedience to God. It is extremely difficult at times. I feel like the Holy Spirit presses me to see his potential and how God sees him, rather than his own actions. In reading this list, I have I say, it seems like men are actually more sensitive than we are as women. They take a lot as “disrespect” and I sometimes get annoyed because I know the Word says they are to be the leaders, and if they did, it would make it MUCH more easier to fall in line. Is it just me, or do the women have much more over all responsibility, and why does it seem like in the majority of marriages, the women have to step up in order for the man to? I have begun this journey, and I know I’m just starting but this will be my second marriage, I want it to be the best we can make it and I want to be the wife God wants me to be. It feel like we have to go through so much emotional hardships to get others to improve as well. Maybe it’s just my perspective, because I’m just starting, but it would be nice for the men to take their roles seriously right at the gate. I know God sees the big picture.

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    • peacefulwife
      December 2, 2013 at 6:29 am #

      Trelara7,

      Men are much more sensitive about disrespect than women are. True. Women tend to be a lot more sensitive about unloving things. It is actually just as counter-intuitive for men to learn to love their wives in a godly way as it is for women to learn to respect their husbands. Husbands and wives have to stretch out of their own comfort zones to understand the other and to become more holy.

      Husbands actually have the greater responsibility and accountability before God because they are the spiritual authority in the marriage.

      Ideally both husband and wife would strive to be the people God desires them to be and would be fully submitted to Him and desire to walk in obedience to Him. That would make things infinitely better in every marriage!

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  37. elle00
    December 4, 2013 at 12:50 pm #

    This list presents a lot of double standards and hypocrisy. This degree of respect that men want is a degree that they are not willing to give to their wives because of the man’s ego. Just like a husband would desire, a woman does not want a husband that questions her, interrupts her, doubts her abilities, or complains about her career. This level of respect that husbands want; a wife wants this same level of respect from him.

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    • peacefulwife
      December 4, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

      Elle,

      Wives need respect, too. That is correct. 🙂

      I don’t write about what wives need or what husbands should do. I only write about what wives can do on their end of things.

      The fact that I only write for wives does not negate husbands’ responsibilities before God to love and honor and respect their wives.

      Thanks for expressing your concerns

      My husband has a blog for men. 🙂

      http://Www.respectedhusband.Wordpress.com

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    • Sara
      December 6, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

      I humbly disagree with your statement that men are not wiling to give their wives the same level of respect that they expect to receive. I just read through this list and find, in a most humiliating way, that I am guilty of repeatedly doing several of the items listed to my husband while he has never responded in kind. My husband responds in love every time – which has left me truly baffled and embarrassed recently as my eyes are opening to my sin of a most disrespectful attitude toward my husband. The Holy Spirit has truly convicted me through this list. I am most grateful to find it.

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  38. Juliet
    December 5, 2013 at 1:17 am #

    Oh my goodness. I’ve been aware of God leading me to learn more about how to respect my husband…. Thank you for this list!
    I had no idea that some of the things I do/say could have been disrespectful. Quite the opposite, I thought I was showing that I loved and cared for him! Which I do!!! I am now on a mission to curb some of these ‘disrespectful’ behaviours/actions (starting with not telling him to change lanes when driving, or fixing his hair in public, or leaving him notes with instructions… gosh I sound so crazy-controlling!!!)

    Thank you, this is going to be a real help.

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    • peacefulwife
      December 5, 2013 at 6:07 am #

      Juliet,

      This is why I have this list! Sometimes what a wife thinks is loving – can be kind of mothering or feel smothering to a man. Sometimes “loving” can feel “disrespectful”to them. And, conversely, sometimes when a husband treats his wife with respect, that can feel unloving to her. (i.e.: he doesn’t help unless she asks him to help, because it would be disrespectful to jump in uninvited and to take over when someone else is handling something.)

      The more we can understand how our men think and how very different they are from us, the easier it is for us to respect them and extend grace and become the godly wives God desires us to be.

      Let me know how you are doing! 🙂

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  39. Lily
    December 20, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

    This is a great list. I would venture that it applies to both husbands and wives at different times in their lives. It is just using common sense to read a blog like this and treat your partner, not as you would want to be treated, but as he or she would want to be treated (the “platinum rule”). That involves really listening, as well as thoughtful action such as determining your partner’s love languages and loving him or her as best you can, with a lot of prayer and effort on your part. God gave us common sense. Let’s use it, people!

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  40. June
    January 13, 2014 at 3:59 pm #

    This is an overwhelming list, though obviously these are real issues. Personally, I have responded in many of these ways and just in the last two days having been praying for revelation and deliverance. This list is very easily my own, and it stems from resentment and unresolved issues in our marriage.

    While I fully agree that these behaviors are unacceptable, not to mention unbecoming and am embarrassed to admit my own role in this, It is not always obvious that there are underlying triggers that push her to this side.

    As a child, I witnessed someone in my family beating our dog repeatedly, day after day, for not doing and being what they wanted, and then one day the dog bit someone, while every one stood and wondered why, concluding that the dog had just gone mad. Many days, I feel like that dog, not physically beaten, emotionally; and to address it is somehow showing disrespect and lack of appreciation.

    We [wives] have more influence than we realize, but I also think a lot of this list comes from expectations that a woman is supposed to think and behave like a man, and that we don’t also want the same level of respect…don’t just tell me you love me, show me, and show me you respect me too (which is part of showing me you love me)…we can all say that loud and mean it. We are who God created us to be, different but compatible; that is where respect should start.

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    • peacefulwife
      January 14, 2014 at 1:03 pm #

      June,
      Respect has kind of been taken out of our marriages and our culture the past many decades. So, this list can seem overwhelming. Not everything on this list applies to every man. But it gives us a place to start and prayerfully begin some deep self examination. 🙂

      Of course there are reasons why women disrespect their men. Yet, God calls us to respect them out of reverence for Him. He calls us to respond without sin when we are sinned against. Romans 12:9-21.

      Many women believe that if their husbands sin against them, they are justified to respond with contempt or disrespect, self-righteousness, unforgiveness, pride, etc. but God gives us no free passes for sin. Yes, we are most tempted to sin when we are sinned against – Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage. But God’s Spirit is able to empower us to respond in a God-honoring way as His Fruit of His Spirit flows through us because we are totally yielded to Him. Galatians 5:22-23 is how believers are to respond to others. Galatians 5:18-21 show how we respond to others when our sin nature is in control instead of God’s Spirit. Our responses are our responsibility. We are accountable to God for our sin no matter what others do to us. Jesus set the example. How we respond has nothing to do with what others do to us and everything to do with our character and how close we are to Christ.

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you, my precious sister!

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  41. Emily
    January 24, 2014 at 1:58 pm #

    I feel like this is just a list of things not to do to your spouse. Or anyone, really. I would feel incredibly disrespected if my husband did/said any of the above things to me, and I’m sure he would feel the same way. I don’t see why it’s specific to husbands.

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    • peacefulwife
      January 24, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

      Emily,

      I only write for wives – so I only talk about how we treat our husbands, especially in terms of God’s commands for us as wives to respect our husbands in Ephesians 5:22-33. But I totally agree with you – these things would generally not be loving ways to treat anyone and I wouldn’t like to be treated in most of these ways either. 🙂

      Great point!

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  42. Emily
    January 24, 2014 at 2:10 pm #

    And I recognize that the general argument is that women need to learn to respect because they already know how to love, but I find most of these things to be pretty unloving.

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  43. Nothando
    February 7, 2014 at 9:05 am #

    Hie PeacefulWife
    so my husband has these excruciating sinus headaches. one night they started at around 1am and we sat until around 3am. he drank the last of his sinutabs that night and forgot to,buy some more. now last night around 9pm the sinus headache started. i did not know what to do because he did not have any pills and i dont have a driver’s licence so could not drive to the pharmacy that late. i decided to call my parents-in-law who live closer to us to us them to go buy the sinutabs and bring them please. this i told him and he did not say anything.
    my father in law decided to come and pick my husband up so they could go to a 24hour clinic because all pharmacies had closed. i stayed because of the baby.
    later on my husband started sending me messages saying “i dont know why you dont listen to me, i told you never to tell my parents if i am not feeling well because they overreact. now i am sitting and waiting for a doc to just come and tell me to buy sinutab tablets in the morning instead of resting. i am so disappointed in you”
    i said i was only trying to help, and i am sorry he had to wait for the doc instead of being at home resting (graceful reply, i hoped)
    then he started sending angry messages, “look where your help has got me, depriving my dad of rest too blah blah blah” i apologised again and said i wished there was somethng i could do and he said “yes, there is: RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND”

    Please tell me what i did wrong. how did i disrespect him? so i shouldnt have called his parents? should i have let him be with the headache which would have resulted in another sleepless night for both of us? (we both work). please help me because i ended up crying and slept with a headache. i asked him what he meant when he came back and he said it did not matter anymore. Please help me with this disrespect thing. i honestly was helping, did not know that i would be called disrepectful.

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    • peacefulwife
      February 7, 2014 at 9:12 am #

      Nothando,

      Goodness! What a frustrating situation! 😦
      As a pharmacist, I know people get especially grumpy when they don’t feel well and are tired.

      If he has told you never to call his parents when he is sick, then, please respect that. Do what he wants you to do. He will have to figure things out.

      If you want to talk about what might help his sinuses, I can offer some suggestions! 🙂

      It is not your fault that his parents made the decisions they did. And, he could have refused to stay.

      From this point on, you know never ever to call his parents about such things again.

      Sometimes what wives think is “helpful” doesn’t feel helpful to our husbands.

      Give him a bit of time to calm down. You did apologize. Time to ask God for strength and get back up and keep going. We all stumble and fall at times. I know this wasn’t intentional disrespect. Apparently, this is a big deal to him, so – now you know and understand that.

      If there are other things like this that he has asked you to do or not do – try to cooperate with what he asked.

      Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!!

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      • Nothando
        February 7, 2014 at 9:22 am #

        Thank you for that. I will respect him and not try to “help” next time!

        I would really appreciate your help with his sinuses, please do offer your suggestions because this whole week has been really bad for him. He couldnt miss work because he is a lawyer and had court from Monday to Thursday. we have tried the warm towel covering his nostrils/face/head

        thank you for the hug!!! 🙂

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  44. Jackie
    May 4, 2014 at 4:32 pm #

    I’m not sure if this is the proper place to ask this question but I’m not sure where else to ask. I just wonder if you think my dad feels disrespected? He and my mom have been married for 25 years. My mom has chronic sinus infections, inner ear infections (we think) and balance issues. It is not uncommon for her to get sick quite often. But the way my dad acts towards her makes it seem like he thinks she’s faking it or he just doesn’t care.

    I usually don’t say anything but today he really made me mad. It’s Sunday and my mom usually cooks dinner unless she’s sick…and today she is sick. So they go through this cycle every time I come home (and probably while I’m gone too). If she doesn’t cook he’s upset and pouts and gives us the silent treatment. So today my mom told him she didn’t feel good so she wasn’t going to cook so she told him to go with me to get some food. He acted like he didn’t want to do it and she ended up having to come with me because he wouldn’t do it. I just don’t get how he acts this way. But every time he’s sick he expects her to meet his every request.

    I remember recently she had just walked in the door from work and he was about to make him some chicken noodle soup until she came in. Then he told her to make it for him. Of course she did it for him, but not without expressing how every time she’s sick nobody does anything for her (I’ve been away from home for 4 years because of boarding school and college. My brother has also been away the same amount of time because of college. So when we’re not home she has to fend for herself).

    I feel like I just went on a rant but like I said before idk who else to ask because the way he treats her upsets me and I just wonder if it’s because he feels disrespected or something.

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    • peacefulwife
      May 5, 2014 at 1:00 pm #

      Jackie,

      It’s great to meet you!

      I would probably need a lot more information to begin to know what is going on with them. But – obviously there is room for improvement here.

      It is possible that he has expectations based on what his parents did when he was growing up. Maybe his dad never ever cooked for himself and his mom always cooked, even if she was sick?

      It is also possible that he hasn’t had chronic sinusitis or vertigo so doesn’t realize how poorly she feels. If he doesn’t believe she is really sick, that also can account for his behavior, I suppose.

      I don’t know how their other interactions play out or if they both generally love and respect one another.

      But – ideally, husbands and wives would BOTH show godly love and respect for one another, both be generous, both be selfless, both be close to Christ, both be obedient to God’s Word and both set a godly example for their children.

      All people, including parents, are wretched sinners. There are definitely going to be things to examine from your parents’ marriage and to learn from and imitate and some things to learn from and discard and seek to learn to do things the way God’s Word commands us to as husbands and wives.

      Much love to you!

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      • Anon
        July 23, 2014 at 2:41 am #

        Reading about Jackie has made me feel like maybe I am not the only one.

        I am 25 yrs and in a LDR, I do think I have the most incredible boyfriend I have ever had.

        However, how my father treats my mother makes me scared of geting married. I am worried of being treated like my mother.
        I think my mother is incredible and even now ( I’m still at home) She will make special breakfast for him in the morning, she will do things for him and treat him respectfully. Things that make me want to give myself to someone that way. But my father sometimes speaks to her in a very condescending way. Recently he bought a car and said that he was buying it for my mother but then he kept ridiculing her in front of my two brothers and my two sisters as she learnt how to drive, that in the end my mother gave up learning how to drive. I have seen my brothers disrespecting my mother just because my dad never reinforces discipline nor supports my mum’s decisions. He is also never involved in our progress leaving my mum to do everything, Yes he provides. But that is it. Even though it would make economic sense for me to stay at home and continue making investments, I feel like the older I get the more respect I lose for my father. And the longer I stay at home the more I am eaten up by the things he does. My mother has always taught us how to be respectful to my father. I know I cannot answer back if we disagree and the worst thing I have ever done is walk away when he was talking because he was being disrespectful and I was worried that I may answer back. It made me want to be the leader of the family. To teach everyone love and respect and show them they are worthy. Being the first born (although a girl – I am African and he always acted like I should have been a boy. -For inheritance and stuff) I keep wanting to right what I perceive are his wrongs.

        The twist in how he behaves is, he has been a church deacon and was one of the founder member of my home church. He is a very good leader in church projects he used to be a believer and we would have family devotion evry Wednesday at home and we would sing out loud, This is over 15 years ago. Now, he hardly ever goes to church and he treats my mum disrespectfully.

        I have severally told my mum to leave and assured he she would be much better. I was younger then and thought marriage was not supposed to make you suffer. I would find her crying and feel really awful towards my father. But it was a good thing that he was never really present in my upbringing. I mean he has always been at home, but he wasn’t really there. He was there for the money, he was never concerned about my homework or my friends and at some point he started telling all of us to stop going to church or hanging out with people. I have seen my mum’s self esteem in tatters. My siblings too, I am able to put up a facade for the world but I get into some pretty intense dark periods too.

        The reason I share this is because, I have been seeking to be a biblically submissive woman to my future husband, and so I have been reading and got stuck after I came upon your page, how to be that. ( THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR ARTICLES ) But I feel like my father makes it hard for me to be vulnerable, for me to trust that the person I love will not one day end up treating me like he treats my mother and me ( nowadays). It’s affecting my relationship with authority at work as well especially because my boss is a man almost my father’s age and he reminds me so much of my father that the first thing I see when we interact is how disrespectful and arrogant he is. Which is possibly just his nature or I just have disrespect blinders.
        -Prayer?
        He has constantly drummed into us that the church will only use you and then discard you. ( He says this because when the church was beginning, the only thing present was a few wooden benches and temporary tent. Now it has a primary school, a boys senior school, the church has grown over the last 23 years)But he is no longer part of the leadership now. When I was around 14, with adolescents and my sense of self being very shaky, he molded me to become fearful of what people thought about my clothes my thoughts and slowly I moved from the very active child I used to be in church, to the dormant member I am now. I try to pray, sometimes I unable to and so I sing worship songs I pray through these songs. I pray for other people around me to succeed, I pray for everyone else but me.
        My mother prays all the time. I think this is how she has had the grace to be as she is with us. I want to be like her with someone who is worth it. She is my live example of submission but without respect it looks a lot like slavery. All I want to do is have enough for family and I, then maybe once my dad’s financial burden is taken care of, he will be able to respect her a little more.
        Dear April, Thank your articles I am learning a lot about marriage, and understanding now, teach my that it is not in my place to take the lead, Although I desire to teach my siblings (Sister -18 and pregnant, Bother- 16 high school, brother 12- primary school, sister 6, pry school) how to be there for each other. How to respect not just my mother, but just how to respect people. And hopefully be with them as they become stronger than I am and better.

        I’m sorry about the length

        Love and Light,
        Anon,

        We learn so much from them. So working at a marrigae is not just for the couple, it is also for their offsprings and eventually for the world.
        My Rev was teaching about how the family unit is important and once we ( Christians ) embrace making

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        • peacefulwife
          July 23, 2014 at 6:55 pm #

          Anon,

          It’s wonderful to meet you!

          A father has such a powerful influence on his daughters (and sons). He teaches us what to expect from our future husbands. He teaches us how men are “supposed” to treat women. He teaches us what God’s character is like (and if he is a very broken man, we learn some untruths about God through him that can paralyze us in our relationship with God).

          You have a lot of healing to do from what you have seen.

          Does your mother ever do things like:
          – say that she feels hurt
          – say that she feels disrespected
          – share her opinions that differ from her husband’s
          – speak privately to him about her feelings, needs and desires

          If a woman believe that submission means she has no voice and can have no opinion, she can veer too far to the “doormat” side of the unhealthy extremes. She may give up her identity in Christ, her personality, emotions, desires, feelings and thoughts. She may give up her powerful influence in the family. That is not godly femininity!

          A godly woman has the power of God’s Spirit and can and does speak her heart, her mind, her needs, her desires and her concerns in a healthy, respectful way as she follows the prompting of God’s Spirit and seeks to obey Scripture. There are times she may gently, respectfully confront her husband about his sin, as well.

          i’m so sorry your father forsook his faith in Christ! I pray God will draw him back to Himself. If we seek to find fulfillment and happiness in people or things other than Christ, we will ALWAYS be greatly disappointed. The only place we can find true contentment is in Christ.

          There are some posts at the top of my home page that may be helpful.

          Praying for you to have a chance to study God’s character and nature and to be able to lay down any false ideas about Him, His Word, His design for marriage, His design for masculinity and His design for femininity.

          I would encourage you to look up David Platt’s videos from his Secret Church series “Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood” and “Family, Marriage, Sex and the Gospel.”

          Much love to you!

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          • Anon
            July 28, 2014 at 2:51 am #

            Thank you so much for taking your time to respond.

            I have started praying a lot more often. and believing in the prayers.

            My mother does all those things. However, since I am the first born, sometimes she will open up and share some of her frustrations. And I am not able to ask her to stop since we are very close. This gives me insight I should not be having.
            However over the last four weeks, I have been going to church with her and pushing her to participate in church activities as well as hang out with her friends more. And I have seen her being happier – Well, before father comes pouring cold water on the source of her happiness. In the recent instance, She decided to start small- scale rabbit farming and father came belittling her efforts in our hearing saying she will never go anywhere with that business. Same thing he told us when we started making carpets. He has such a powerful tongue.

            With my father, I am trying to nurture a healthy relationship with him as my father. But it is really hard to do since he grew up with little to no affection from his parents. But every holiday I keep trying to set them up with my brothers so that they can hang out together. This is yet to work and so long as I am at home I shall keep seeing things that need fixing with him.

            Over the weekend, I started reading Spirit Controlled woman by Beverly LaHaye and learning more about myself. I’d like to recommend this for any young or older woman reading your lessons. It’s helping me recognize myself and my temperament as well as identify my weaknesses.

            Dear Peaceful wife,

            I pray for continuance of God’s grace upon you and your family.

            God bless you mightily. I shall keep following your blog for I know there is so much that I am yet to learn.

            Love and Light from Nairobi, Kenya.

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            • peacefulwife
              July 28, 2014 at 7:05 am #

              Anon,

              You are most welcome. My hope is that your mother is sharing these thoughts and feelings with her husband, not with you! I agree that sharing these things with children is not a good idea.

              Praying for healing for your parents and for God to help you reject any ungodly ways of thinking and relating and to rebuild your soul on His design for you as a woman and future wife and mother and for Him to heal your soul, as well.

              That sounds like a great book! Thank you so much for sharing!

              Praying for God’s greatest glory in your life and in your family!

              Much love,
              April

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  45. Katie
    July 7, 2014 at 7:56 am #

    Thank you for these messages on respect. My husband and I have only been married for a year and we are at the brink of divorce. He had told me for a while that I don’t respect him but I never really understood. This article has been so helpful. After reading this list I realize I do or have done most of these things to my husband and I feel terrible about it. I have ordered the surrendered wife book and just want to thank you for opening my eyes.

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    • peacefulwife
      July 23, 2014 at 8:31 pm #

      Katie,

      I was on a blogging break for a month – so, just now getting back. I am so glad God is working in your heart! That is awesome! The Surrendered Wife book helped me a lot! But please do weigh everything against Scripture, because not all of it is biblical.

      Much love!

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      • Sandi Britton DuBois
        July 31, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

        So in your husbands share what us disrespectful I noticed: 1) many of these are the same or similar to the way we wives feel disrespected and 2) I have to change my respect for my husband while he still has the same behaviors and same disrespectful ways as before? How will this ever make me a peaceful wife, let alone a peaceful person?
        Thank you
        Sandi

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        • peacefulwife
          July 31, 2014 at 1:56 pm #

          Sandi,

          It is great to meet you! That is a fantastic question. 🙂

          Yes, many of these things would feel disrespectful to a wife, as well. I only write for wives about what we can do and how we can change to become the women God desires us to be. But, of course, men are also sinners, just like women are, and there are many areas where they can improve as well. But that is a subject for a different blog.

          What is your relationship with Christ, please? That will help me know where I need to start in answering how focusing on obeying God for yourself will bring you His Peace. 🙂

          The scriptures I am referring to here are:

          Matthew 7:1-5 where Jesus commands us to deal with the log in our own eye before we attempt to remove the speck from our brother’s (or husband’s) eye.

          I Peter 3:1-6 contains God’s commands and instructions for a wife whose husband is far from Him. Why does God command a wife to win her husband without words? Because a nagging, lecturing, condemning, critical, self-righteous, prideful woman (like I used to be – see my about page) will never inspire a man to want to love her or to want to draw near to Christ. That approach will only repel him. God made men, and He knows how a wife can best influence a man for Christ. It is a woman’s respect, honor, faith, attitude, peace and gentleness that will draw a wayward husband to her and to Jesus. Ultimately, it must be his decision.

          We only control ourselves. We don’t control other people, including our husbands. We think we can control others sometimes, and that we should try to make them do what we want them to do. But when we try to control grown adults and try to take away their free will, we are making ourselves out to be God in their lives. For me, I had made an idol out of wanting to be in control myself. We WANT to try to control our husbands because of the curse of sin. One of the results of sin is that wives want to be in charge of their husbands (genesis 3) tell them what to do and usurp their God-given authority. For husbands, the results of sin include either a tendency toward passivity and a willingness to abdicate their God-given headship to provide for, protect and nurture their wives and families, or a tendency toward ruling with an iron fist without love.

          In order to correct our sinful tendencies, God gives us instructions as husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:22-33. The wife is commanded by God to respect her husband and to submit to his leadership as she would to the Lord’s. He will lead her through her husband. I Corinthians 11:3 describes God’s authority structure for marriage. The command God gives to a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Selfless love.

          But, God gives those commands unconditionally. He does not say to wives, respect your husbands IF you think they deserve it. He says “wives must respect their husbands.” And He does not say to husbands, “love your wives IF they honor and respect you.” Husbands are to love their wives no matter what. Wives are to respect their husbands no matter what. (If a husband is asking his wife to clearly sin, please read Spiritual Authority at the top of my home page.)

          May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage for His greatest glory!

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        • peacefulwife
          July 31, 2014 at 1:57 pm #

          Sandi,
          Oh! Please search my home page for “why do I have to change first?”

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  46. Jeff
    August 25, 2014 at 7:24 pm #

    I’m reading some comments here and, in a lot of cases I see that psychologists are right; elderly care homes are full of females because men stress out and die.
    I have given up, as I said previously. However, as a God fearing sinful man, I don’t know what giving up means to me in my situation. I can’t leave, everyone needs me, the kids like mom more but Wi-Fi won’t work if I leave. I make better cookies as a stay at home dad. When the washer breaks down again, I fix it. Oh, and I am a fitness guy, bad guys fear me.
    As bored as I am at my wife in intimacy and her disrespect in front of the kids, and as she blames me entirely for my unemployment, I will remain. There are things I can do to preoccupy myself. she is not evil, she is indifferent, yet she will not consider my recommendations for her neck pain, or my suggestion for treatment for the six month Vaginismus that she has, or even consider the 20 resume’s I have created to be worth anything. So I remain. The truth is that things are not horrific. We talk normally and we text all day. Yet the Europe vacation next year for our 30th anniversary is of no interest to me, none. I will play along because it seems exciting for her and she has not thought to ask me if I am happy with that trip. Bored in our marriage-yes. feeling so angry I can’t see-no.
    The Shaunti Feldhahn seminar at our church may very well be enlightening for her, or not. When she disagrees with an idea, she will question the credentials of the professional giving that idea…we’ll see.
    I will continue. I will go to the gym. I will drink my espresso coffee and whatever else I can do, because I will make my best effort to not sin and plunge the family into the abyss of temporary pleasures consequences. (Not that I had any plans to run off with someone else.)
    Yeah, I’m bored with her, yeah she insults me and yet there is absolutely no reward for me to just suck it up and take it like a man! If God chooses to not help me, so be it! I have 3 failed careers behind me. Kids are mostly special needs, with no future. I have 2 kids (out of 6+ kids.) (can’t reveal everything) that will go on to college and jobs someday. One kid is in jail as I write this. our mortgage is going to be late again, and as I said, my wife had a lot of neck shoulder pain from mystery cause. God has not helped me other than to give me an espresso machine.

    In conclusion here, it is 4PM, time for my espresso-something to savor that no matter the lack of marital intimacy, I can enjoy my coffee despite any shortcomings that the Lord has given.

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    • peacefulwife
      August 26, 2014 at 10:14 am #

      My precious brother, Jeff,

      As you seek to obey God, there may be no reward for you on this earth, but our obedience to Him is never wasted! He will reward you as you seek to walk in obedience to Him when you stand face to face with Jesus in just a few short days. This life will be over in the blink of an eye. How I pray He might empower you to be faithful. I can’t wait to stand there and see God tell you, “Well done, Jeff, my good and faithful servant!”

      You do have a very difficult situation, and very painful. And it has been this way for a long time.

      I do know that God is able to heal you, your wife and your marriage. But, it seems that He wants to begin with you. I pray that you might see all that God has done for you – which is far more than giving you an espresso machine, thankfully!

      I would love to encourage you to check out A Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee.

      With the love of Christ, my brother,

      April

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  47. Tim
    September 8, 2014 at 12:12 pm #

    Dr. E.V. Hill Preaching His Wife’s Funeral part 1: http://youtu.be/T-WZyV6LMK0
    Dr. E.V. Hill Preaching His Wife’s Funeral part 2: http://youtu.be/_aDru4DSevE

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  48. Confused
    October 25, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

    Hi,
    I have referred to this list before,it is a good list and thank you for compiling it. Unfortunately,I have slipped back into my old ways lately.I know that there are a lot of posts here about how to be respectful and they are great.I would like to make a suggestion if I may. Can we please have a list of alternatives?For example: ‘Instead of doing this,do that.’ I have been following this wonderful blog for ages but lately I am having a mental block of sorts. In short,a woman in my extended family(my stepsister- we didn’t grow up together but I tried to show her kindness when she was feeling lonely and she has been coveting my man(who we can call A.K) ever since. She is in love and obsessed with him and keeps putting herself in situations where he can’t avoid her.An example is referring clients to him for work then turning up to their houses the whole time that he is there and posting cryptic messages and lovesongs she knows he likes on Facebook,lying-telling me that he has flirted with her via text then telling him that she never said that and that I am just being crazy. I told her that I do not wish to associate with her until her motives are pure. I keep finding out that they have seen each other.I do not want to be controlling and forbid them from seeing each other.My family have some complicated relationships and this is where leave and cleave comes in.I do not want them negatively interfering in my new life but I do not really understand what to do here.It is not A.K that I do not trust,it is that he doesn’t know my extended family as well as I do and they have been manipulating him so much. I have told him that I want him to stay away from them as they are bad news.My Stepmum (my mum’s best friend of nearly 30 years) initiated a relationship with my Father when my Mother was on her deathbed with cancer.My Stepsister is so similar to her Mother and I do not know the christian approach to this.I would appreciate any christian words of advice if anyone has the time please.Thanks for reading my comment,it is a lot longer than I intended 🙂 I am lost as to how to pray about this but I am trying

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    • Peacefulwife
      October 28, 2014 at 8:39 am #

      Confused,

      Ultimately, what you will need in a complicated situation like this is not my advice, but the leading and prompting and power of God’s Spirit to illuminate what you need to do.

      What does your husband say about your step sister’s behavior?

      How is your marriage otherwise?

      How is your walk with Christ?

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      What does your husband say to your stepsister when she does these things?

      Much love to you!

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      • Gail
        November 7, 2014 at 3:53 pm #

        I appreciate so much that some thoughtful men put this list together to help the women in their lives to understand them. I have heard for years that women need love and men need respect – but this is the first time I have seen an actual list of what that means.

        My husband is grumpy or downright angry with me about 75% of the time and then acts like nothing has ever been wrong the other 25% of the time. In 30 years of marriage, I have never consciously done anything to anger or hurt him, so I assumed there must be some respect issues I just didn’t understand that were causing the problem. As I read the list, however, I notice that almost all of these things are ways my husband treats me ( and not how I treat him).

        The only thing I see that I have been guilty of on occasion, is the practice of sharing some of his mistakes with others. I laugh at myself a lot so find it fun to share our mishaps with others sometimes – but not often.

        He is a good business that provides all we need (no money challenges), and he is a good christian man, deacon, SS teacher, etc., but I am so tired of walking on eggshells all the time, wondering what has upset him – as he never ever tells me, nor ever apologizes for treating me harshly. I often dream of leaving him just so I can spend my days in peace. But in our denomination that would mean he could no longer be in leadership, and I would hate to take that away from him. Even sex is horrible – he takes what he wants and is then disgusted with me for not responding. He made me go the doctor to get hormones to ‘fix’ me – but that didn’t help.

        Sad & Frustrated

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  49. jeff
    November 24, 2014 at 2:19 am #

    Glad to see this article still here. My wife is sick of me telling her that she is disrespectful. I finally pointed out that it was sin. she repeated herself. So did I. It was a knock down drag out fight! She even made up some things, which is common for her. Sex (or whatever) is boring. She has Vaginismus for the last 9 months! Claims she is too busy to go to doctor. I am at the bottom. I give up now. I cannot fight any more. God ignores me too. Depression rules the day. Marriage done. Oh, but we’re too poor for divorce and we have 7 kids in house. Emasculated male I am. I’m just done.

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    • Peacefulwife
      November 24, 2014 at 9:53 am #

      Jeff,

      I am so very sorry to hear about what a painful, difficult situation you and your wife are in right now.:(

      Does she have a godly mentoring wife in her life?

      How is her walk with Christ?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      There is so much hope in Christ, my precious brother. I invite you to get in touch with a husband who will understand your situation at http://www.amanhiswifethebible.wordpress.com. He may have words of hope and practical suggestions to offer.

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  50. Truthsayer
    December 10, 2014 at 10:57 pm #

    I looked over this information about how a husband feels disrespected. My initial gut reaction is that a person is expected to be a Stepford Wife. It is like you have to be a mouse or something, constantly gushing over your husband or he will look at someone else. If this is the only way to be respected by a man I don’t know if I really care to get married again. I do not see men treating women so great. Do they really care what is important to us in how to be treated and is there such a list as what women need to feel respected? We need respect also and get little as far as I have seen it. And what I see mostly out there is how much women have to change to please their men. There is way more information about it and many more women reading books and doing the hard work of changing. Women have been used and abused by men for years. How about men changing? Men need to make up for years of abuse and disrespect first. I think that will help. Then maybe after generations of great treatment to women by men women will feel a natural instinct to respect men.

    And please.. men act like we are so terrible but can they be honest about how they really act… for instance the one item men feel disrespected about….

    “Asking him to do something and then doing it before he has a chance”…well how long does one have to wait?
    How about the man saying… Honey, thank you for doing that chore you asked me to do. I know you asked me_______ ago.. (fill in the blank here and it is probably either months or years ago that the wife asked). Sorry for disrespecting you by not doing it and leaving you to be frustrated all this time and having to do it yourself!!!
    How many men would never do the thing but then claim
    we nag them and we are ..well you know what they call us… I could write a book about how ridiculous some of this can get with men. And then since we do it because we maybe could really in all reality not wait any longer
    then they get upset with us..please…I find a lot of this hard to stomach!!!

    I have spent years reading all kinds of books and trying all kinds of things even communication meetings with my ex-husband, you name it. I was putting far more into working things out which seems to be normal. Let them
    put far more into it, spend countless hours reading books, etc. and give up their time to make things work out and give up hours of sports viewing. Women have rights to lives too.

    I would love to see wonderful relationships between men and women and I think it is great that this is all done-I just think men have to be willing to be honest about their behavior in all of this or we will get nowhere fast.

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    • Peacefulwife
      December 11, 2014 at 8:16 am #

      Truthsayer,

      A lot of women have a similar initial reaction to yours. But, I am actually not endorsing being a fake, plastic, Stepford Wife at all. I am sharing what men have shared with me because many husbands don’t verbalize the things that feel disrespectful to them, so many wives have no idea that so many things can be issues for their husbands. This is very valuable information for wives who want to learn to become godly wives and want to learn what it means to stop disrespect and to begin showing genuine respect for their husbands. I have a post about respect in marriage, as well, that may be helpful.

      It is easy to blame men and point our fingers at them and focus on the things they should change. There are things men could change, too. Absolutely.

      But here, on my blog, my focus is only on wives and what God desires us to change to become the wives and women He commands us to be as believers in Christ. There is no power in me concentrating on what someone else “should do.” My power comes when I look at what God wants me to do and I concentrate on that and on my walk with Christ Jesus.

      All men and women are sinners. God’s Word is clear about that. There is no distinction between men and women. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

      There is plenty of blame to go around.

      IF we really want to see healing – then, it is time to focus on ourselves and God. It is only through His power that we can stop the disrespect and any wrong doing in our lives and live lives of God’s kind of love. That is true for men and women.

      I have seen God heal hundreds of marriages here. Sometimes, it is the woman who changes first. Sometimes, it is the man. Whoever “wakes up first” needs to focus on changing themselves to become more like Christ. Often, that brings healing for the marriage and the whole family – just one person changing to become the person God desires him/her to be.

      My goal in becoming a godly wife is not to change my husband, it is for God to change me.

      If you would like, you can read about Godly Femininity and what it means to be a godly wife. It is not about our husbands at all, it is all about God working in our hearts to get rid of anything that offends Him as we fully submit to Him (God calls all believers, men and women, to fully submit to Him as Lord). This is about our character. And it is about the fact that we will stand accountable to God for how we treat our husbands (and everyone else) when this life is over.

      Much love to you! I pray for God’s great healing in your heart. 🙂

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      • Truthsayer
        December 14, 2014 at 6:37 am #

        I just read your post “respect in marriage”. It is going to take me some time to get over the shock to be honest.
        I can see that there is no use in saying much more.
        This is not a wife a man like that wants. It is a puppet
        or a mother. I guess you would agree with the man who told his wife he wanted his underwear ironed too because that is what his mother did. Maybe she should wipe his behind also. I am going to get other opinions. Some of what is written there is absolutely frightening. I wonder how other women feel. I understand on one level what you are trying to do but this is frighteningly over the top.

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        • Truthsayer
          December 14, 2014 at 6:39 am #

          Now that I understand even more into the minds of men I understand why there are so many divorces.

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          • Peacefulwife
            December 14, 2014 at 7:58 am #

            Truthsayer,

            Disrespect for men is completely normal today. We got rid of respect for them decades ago. Most women don’t intentionally disrespect their men. Many of us just have had no examples of a wife respecting her husband in a God-honoring way. Disrespect seems so “normal” that we don’t even realize we are wounding our men or sinning against them. This is a large factor in why there are so many divorces. Men respond to feeling disrespected by shutting down or by getting angry. Many times, wives unknowingly disrespect their husbands, then their husbands shut down or get upset. Then the wives respond sinfully, then the husbands respond sinfully… and a terrible cycle spins out of control.

            A great book about God’s design for marriage is Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. He addresses what wives need (love) and what husbands need (respect) in a very balanced, biblical way based on Ephesians 5:22-33.

            Please do check everything I say against God’s Word. Don’t just take my word for it. 🙂 You are welcome here.

            Much love to you!

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            • Peacefulwife
              December 14, 2014 at 8:10 am #

              Truthsayer,
              I also hope you will understand that I am not using the world’s definition of “submission” when I talk about submission. I am not talking about slavery or oppression at all. Biblical Submission. “Submission (to Christ) Means Holding Things of This World Loosely”

              When a man (who is anywhere near decent) feels truly respected and honored by his wife, his normal response is to respond humbly with love and a desire to serve and please her.
              When a woman feels truly loved by her husband, her normal response is to respond respectfully and to desire to honor her husband.

              If a woman is being truly abused, a husband is involved in unrepentant infidelity, drug/alcohol addiction, or a husband is mentally unwell – she may need to leave. There are times it is not safe for a wife to submit to her husband. And God doesn’t command us to submit to sin or to respect sin.

              “Submission Does Not = A Husband Is Always Right.”

              God’s design is that marriage is to demonstrate the relationship between Christ and the church – where the husband plays the role of the love and selfless sacrificial leadership of Christ and the wife plays the role of the church’s reverence and submission. The husband is most definitely NOT deity. He is a sinful human. But marriage is designed to show the intimate relationship between Christ and His people and is to be a very loving, honoring, respectful relationship on both sides. Both the husband and wife need love and respect and need to give love and respect.

              My husband treats me very well – so much better since I have stopped disrespecting him. He used to shut down because I treated him so poorly. Now, he is the husband I always knew he could be. I used to try to force him to be what I wanted him to be. But God’s way is so much better.

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              • Truthsayer
                December 15, 2014 at 6:06 am #

                I definitely believe in respect for both men and women. I agree that myself I have had issues in respecting men and they stem from several sources one being abuse that was done to me. Another being men who act openly disrespectful and abusive towards women in general and/or to myself so I end up giving it back to them I guess if I had to really start to examine it. I probably would have been better off getting away from those men totally. I guess it was a way to try to teach them maybe how it felt and/or to try to change them.

                I firmly believe that the reason men have ended up with so much disrespect-which I have noticed even in getting an old sit-com series which I watched somewhat recently-is due to anger at poor treatment of women in the past. I think this topic would make a good book which I would love to write. Funny thing is I have tried to work things out with my ex for years and even bought a book about creating peace with men. Don’t get me wrong-buying that book was not the only thing I did. I went to great lengths in many ways to work things out and now I feel really burned so some of that is coming through. For all I did I feel he was doing things behind my back to undermine everything and now I have a broken family. The problem was he was not honest about his own past hurts enough until it was too late and had engaged in behavior I firmly believe stemmed from things that happened in his past that I had nothing to do with.

                Most of the reasons for these things are far more complex than one can understand. One has to get to the root of where the disrespect comes from. If not it will just erupt again. No matter what though-some of this I do not believe is really the right way to be. I think it just goes too far. I believe that it is important to live as much as possible by the “greatest commandment” and I would not even expect someone to have to worry about every one of those items on those lists for one thing. My concern is that it is not right for a man to have a perceived wrong when in fact a woman may not even see it that way-and then do something wrong to retaliate because that is the truth of what happens. And from what I read and what has been my experience men are nastier in their retaliations-to the point that many women would not even think to go there. I think in many ways that is why we are also in the mess we are in in marriages. I believe that what you are trying to do in certain ways is great-don’t get me wrong. I just feel this is way more complex a problem maybe than I feel you are making it out to be to begin with.

                I totally agree with the one person who said that some of this has to do with childhood hurts and wounds. They are a major cause of what goes on in marriages with both partners and both partners need to examine their own pasts to see where that all comes from. The big problem is that it is far more often women who examine themselves than men. When there is a mass entry into therapists offices by men we may have a chance. This is a start though to find out what hurts them- I do agree with that. My major concern is that this not be just dumped onto women and made their fault and/or that it make the situation worse for women which I really believe can happen if women are not counseled properly. And I cannot believe it is a sin to not smile at a husband all the time and a woman needs to be taken to task for it and made to feel she has sinned. That is going a bit too far-I think anyone would agree!! That is Stepford Wife material and I just think we need to be careful not to go there for everyone’s sake-even the men’s sake who have to treat their wives like human beings not plastic robots made for their pleasure only.
                We are far more than that and it concerns me that your blog make sure to help women feel like that. There are interpretations of the Bible that put us as equals and I believe God meant for us to be treated like that and from Jesus’s own words he said to treat the neighbor like themselves. What closer neighbor is your spouse?? That means man and wife too!!
                A man does not want to feel less either. There is a lot of work to be done to change things. Even though I have been through a terribly hurtful divorce I still would
                like to see the day where marriages are much more successful than they are now. Thank you for what you are trying to do to make that happen.
                However-I see no benefit in the long term to having one person feel less though. I think we found that out by treating African Americans as less. Look at the fallout now. Did that work?? I think not!! Please consider this carefully. They are equal in God’s eyes. We all are.
                Have a nice day!

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                • Peacefulwife
                  December 15, 2014 at 6:33 am #

                  Truth sayer,

                  Thank you so much for sharing more of your story with me! I am very sorry to hear about how difficult and painful things have been with your ex. 😦 That breaks my heart!

                  Yes, we often, men and women, have wounds from childhood that have not healed and then they resurface and create havoc in our marriages when we are grown.

                  The lists where different husbands share things that make them feel disrespected or respected are not lists of “sins.” These are just how some husbands feel. They are not God. Only God can decide what sin is and is not. But, I do think that our husbands’ feelings are important, as important as wives’ feelings of feeling unloved.

                  A wife who is close to God will be smiling because of the power of God’s Spirit in her and the joy she has in Christ. That is not fake. Now, if her husband is sinning against her and unrepentant about infidelity or something, of course she may not be smiling at him a lot then at that time.

                  Maybe you would be interested in reading today’s post about whether it is a wife’s place to punish her husband.(the same would be true for husbands, but I only write for wives.)

                  Marriage is complex. Relationships between men and women are complex. It is difficult to speak in generalities because each person and couple are also unique. And each person, male or female, IS equal in value before God. If you hear me saying that women are inferior, I am afraid you are not hearing me correctly at all. I understand you have a lot of pain and filters from your past that may make it difficult to hear what I am actually saying.

                  Absolutely, men should treat their wives with the love of God and with honor and respect. That is what the Bible commands them to do. And absolutely wives should treat their husbands with the love of God, with honor, and respect, and should be willing to allow their husbands to lead in the marriage (per God’s commands), unless there is major sin or some severe situation going on.

                  God gives no one a free pass to sin against anyone, even if we are sinned against. No husband has the right to mistreat his wife. No wife has the right to mistreat her husband.

                  God does command us as wives to respect our husbands, so, I believe it is our job to figure out what that means. Just like it is a husband’s job to figure out what it means to love his wife as Christ loves the church.

                  There is much work to do. Many, many people are very far from God, and when we are far from God, we sin against each other and we hurt each other. That is not what God desires us to do. How I pray for healing in marriages and in the Bidy of Christ today. And I pray for God’s healing for your heart, mind, and soul, as well, my precious sister!

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                  • Peacefulwife
                    December 15, 2014 at 6:36 am #

                    Truth sayer,

                    PS

                    When a husband feels honored and respected, he eventually will respond with more love for his wife. No one has to feel “lesser.” This is a win win. Wives sabotage themselves when we disrespect and try to control our husbands or when we sin against them and repel them. When we walk in the power of God’s Spirit and in obedience to His Word, we lose our sinful power to hurt our husbands and we can the power of heaven to bless, empower, encourage, and minister to them. We are not at all “less than.” We are joint heirs with Christ and we have the most powerful position in our husbands’ lives to either harm them or to build them up, inspire, encourage, and bless them. 🙂

                    If you have truly been abused in the past, or you were overly submissive, my blog will probably not be a good fit for you. I write primarily for wives who tend to be controlling and dominating. Wives who were too submissive will need to approach becoming a godly wife from a different slant.

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                    • Truthsayer
                      December 15, 2014 at 8:02 am #

                      Thank you for understanding and your caring comment. I agree with what you are saying. Do you agree that we are equals and should be treated as such and that there should not be a double standard in a marriage? When all marriages are equally loving, respectful partnerships where at times one listens to the other’s wise advice and at another time the other listens to the other’s wise advice it will be a better world in my opinion. That is just one example. I believe wonderfully respectful, loving marital partnerships are possible and I will do my part to work toward that end. Maybe we could work together as we are now to see that happen. We seem to want the same things only have different views of what is Biblical.

                      Just as I do not see hitting children as a proper method of disciplining and have raised children-not perfect ones-but children who have lived as normally developing children will who make mistakes and who I have mostly taught how to behave properly-although at times I have let my mouth get the better of me-I too have not been perfect but in a world where people mostly hurt their children to discipline them it has taken all us mothers out there who believe in loving discipline a little time to get it right. I believe that love is the answer-I believe that love will find a way.. as the song goes.
                      That is why I do not believe in some of the things such as allowing a husband to discipline(allowing the husband to discipline while the wife stands by and watches) by hitting as that to me is not Biblical at all as a true Christian because I do not see that Jesus would have advocated hitting a child.

                      There are many Christian groups out there now who are for loving, gentle discipline. I have not followed your blog enough to know what your stance is on this. I love children very dearly, have worked with them for almost 30 years now and understand a lot about child development. It is normal for a child to engage in certain behaviors at certain ages and hitting a child is to me not an appropriate way to handle discipline. It takes a lot more time, love, patience. intelligence, research, etc. not to hit. I will say that but, in the end I am glad I did not hit my children. It has felt great to say to them-I don’t hit you so you don’t hit me. They get that and they may have tried it once or twice when they were little but stopped and it was not out of fear of me. It was because they knew I was right and was respectful of their person. Allowing a man to hit a child just because they want to save face or their ego is at stake would never be enough for me to allow my children to be hurt-ever!!! They are the smallest and most precious and defenseless creatures and as a mother it is my God given duty to protect them and I take that very seriously. I have and always will.

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                    • Peacefulwife
                      December 15, 2014 at 7:51 pm #

                      Truthsayer,

                      You are most welcome. 🙂

                      I do believe that marriage is a partnership of people of equal worth, I believe that is scriptural. But I also take God’s Word seriously now about His design for marriage, wives, and husbands in Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7, I Corinthians 11:3, Colossians 3:18-19, and Titus 2:3-5. I believe that the Bible is the authoritative Word of God and that it contains absolute and life-giving truth. My desire is to embrace all of it, even the unpopular parts, and to reject worldly ways and embrace God’s truth and His design. He radically changed me and transformed my heart, mind, and soul over the past 6 years. He also transformed my marriage and my husband. I have also seen Him radically change and heal hundreds of other wives and husbands, as well. A God’s Word is alive, powerful, and such a treasure. I long for everyone to experience the peace, joy, and spiritually abundant life that Jesus offers to each of us when we walk in total submission to Him, allowing His Spirit to empower us to obey Him.

                      Absolutely all marriages should be loving, respectful, string, vibrant, full of the power of God and exalting Christ. The way the Bible describes God’s design for marriage is that the man and woman are equal. They are both to love each other with God’s love. The role the husband has -given to him by God – is to lead the marriage and family in the very manner and with the same selfless, sacrificial, agape love with which Christ loves the church and gave up His life for her. No wife would refuse a husband like that! The husband demonstrates to his wife and to the world what the love of Jesus looks like in tangible ways. And the wife, by God’s design, is to play the role of demonstrating to the world what the church is to be like in relationship to Jesus. The wife demonstrates genuine respect, honor, biblical submission (which is NOT slavery at all), love, and cooperation with her husband’s loving leadership just the way that the church is to love, reverence, adore, trust, and submit to Christ. It is to be a living parable of the intimate relationship between Christ and His church. This is the highest purpose of marriage, to display the gospel to the world and to draw many to Christ.

                      I love your heart for children. I don’t write much about parenting. My primary calling is to write for wives about their relationship with God and with their husbands.

                      Proverbs does support spanking children as a method of discipline. The New Testament doesn’t really address specific discipline other than to say that fathers should not embitter their children. I will leave that debate to another blogger. We did spank our children when they were younger – we never spanked them hard. And only for very serious offenses. We don’t spank our children now at all – and haven’t for many years – they are 7 and 12. I don’t ever support any parent bruising, wounding or abusing a child in any way. How I pray that our children might experience the love and truth of God in us as their parents and that we might set a godly example in our motives, our words, our tone of voice, and our actions, that we might train them in righteousness, in holiness, and in godliness. I am focusing now on learning to always speak in a respectful, calm tone of voice myself. I don’t want to even raise my voice at my children. I have in the past at times – but, I want to become more and more Christlike – and I want to treat them with kindness, respect, gentleness, and honor. I don’t want to lose self-control, but set a godly example for them even in my speech. I still have lots to learn and room to grow. But how thankful I am that, in Christ, God can give us victory!

                      I do so love your desire to nurture and care well for children. You have a beautiful heart.

                      Much love to you!
                      April

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          • Peacefulwife
            December 14, 2014 at 8:11 am #

            A great resource to understand how men think is Shaunti FEldhahn’s book “For Women Only.” There is a companion book for husbands called “For Men Only” to help them understand how women think and what women need, as well.

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        • Peacefulwife
          December 14, 2014 at 7:48 am #

          Truthsayer,

          The purpose of respect in marriage is not for a wife to become a puppet, to be mindless, to be a fake Stepford wife, or simply to please a husband. The purpose is for us to honor God and to obey Him as Lord. Ultimately, our goal must be to please Christ alone. A wife who attempts to respect her husband just to please her husband can end up going way too far. It is definitely possible to be “too respectful” or “too submissive” to a man. Absolutely.

          The goal here is to help wives understand what husbands can sometimes feel disrespected by or respected by – but much more than that – it is for us to become the women God desires us to be.

          Godly femininity

          If you don’t have a relationship with Christ, none of this will make sense. You have not shared about your walk with Him, so I am not really sure where you are with Jesus. But, that is the starting place for all of this.

          Thanks so much for sharing your concerns.

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          • Truthsayer
            December 15, 2014 at 8:10 am #

            I believe in Jesus Christ and he is my savior. He has gotten me though many hard times and I feel closer to Jesus and God than I have ever been in my life. I am actually working on a book about my walk and my experiences and how I feel God has given me tangible signs of his love for me that to me defy explanation
            and also of ways he has protected me almost miraculously at times. I feel God is working in and through me for change and I believe very strongly in working for peace and justice in all situations. If I did not have so much work to help children as my career right now that is so vital and needed I would have been further along with my writing. God gave me talents with children and the ability to get an education (by working for it) that I cannot ignore. It was no mistake for us to be connected. God works in mysterious ways!!

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            • Peacefulwife
              December 15, 2014 at 7:52 pm #

              Truth sayer,
              How wonderful that you are working on a book about what God has done in your life! Congratulations! May God be greatly exalted in your life. 🙂 I can’t wait to see all that He has in store!

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  51. ChildofRa
    February 27, 2015 at 9:26 pm #

    Okay this one i have an issue with
    ” Making me feel that I’m less of man because I don’t look as attractive as I did years ago.”

    -okay as women we’re constantly told men are visual and we have to keep ourselves up but if we as women want our husbands to keep themselves up it because a problem? Are you serious? If i marry a man and he expects me to look like beyonce & i dont im make a crappy wife but if i want my man to look like chris hemsworth but he fails i’m disrespecting him?

    I dont see how that is fair at all. Also about the finances why does a married couple need to share all finances? I mean if a wife is lets say a nurse but she also is an author does she really need to share the money she earned from a book she published with her husband? This would be also vice versa for men as well, but it just seems it would be easy if there was a joint family account for you know bills,family stuff etc but also an account separate that the husband or wife have for their own personal use so there would be no more stuff like saying ” you spent too much on this or you didn’t need that tv or those new designer pair of shoes”

    I just need some sort of understanding here

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    • Peacefulwife
      February 28, 2015 at 8:40 am #

      ChildofRa,

      I only write for women – I don’t teach men. So, sometimes things may seem one-sided here.

      God calls believers in Christ to love the way He loves – men and women. Many of these things would apply to men, too.

      Here is the way that God commands us – as disciples of Christ – to love others (with His kind of love):

      If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… I Corinthians 13:1-8a

      All believers in Christ are to do two primary things in life:
      1. Love God with all our hearts, minds, souls, and strength.
      2. Love others as ourselves.

      All of us as believers in Christ are called to die to ourselves, pick up our cross, and follow Jesus. This involves selflessness, laying down our “rights” in order to better love others, being kind, being thoughtful, honoring others above ourselves. Not that we treat ourselves badly. But we don’t put self first. We put God first. And we put the true needs of others before self in importance.

      This whole thing really isn’t about the marriage and all the little details on a list of what makes husbands feel respected or disrespected. It is about something much bigger than that. Ultimately, this journey is about us having a relationship with Jesus Christ and being in full submission to Him – husbands and wives. It is about allowing His Spirit to radically change us from what we were (sinners – all of us) – to become more and more like Jesus. And it is about displaying the power and glory and relationship between Christ and His church to the world through our marriage. The marriage is not the main thing. It will benefit, yes, when we walk in obedience to God. When we do things God’s way, our marriages will be the strongest they possibly can be. But that is a side effect of having Christ as the center and primary purpose of our lives.

      There is One God – the Creator God of the Bible. He made the universe, the earth, and all that inhabit the earth. He gave people free will to decide to obey and love Him or to rebel against Him. Adam and Eve chose to rebel against this holy, eternal, all-powerful, all-loving, just, all-knowing God. It grieved God’s heart. But He didn’t want robots. He wanted people who could freely choose to love Him – and the cursed state of the world due to sin today (disease, war, death, suffering) was worth the price in God’s eyes for us to be able to have the freedom to choose or reject Him. Those who sin against God must pay the price for their sins by being separated from God in hell. “The wages of sin is death.” Romans 3:23. But God loved us so much, that He could not bear to leave us hopeless with no ability to have a relationship with Him, with no way to be made right with Him. So, God, Himself, became a man (Jesus) and lived the perfect life we could not live. He took on Himself the punishment and all of His own wrath against our sin (the things we have done wrong). He put our sins on Himself and died to pay for each of our sins. Then He conquered death and the grave, rising from the dead on the 3rd day. Now, all who come to Him in faith and who make Him their LORD (Master), can be cleansed and made right with God. He takes away our sin and gives us New Life. We are New Creations in Him when we yield control to Him and love Him with all our hearts, minds, souls, and strength. HE gives us His love for people, as well.

      The things God asks us to do never seem “fair” in the eyes of the world. He commands His followers to:

      – forgive when they are wronged and sinned against
      – bless when we are cursed
      – speak kindly when we are mistreated
      – be humble and not put ourselves first
      – pick up our cross daily and follow Him
      – not repay evil for evil but overcome evil with good

      And His design for marriage seems “backwards” to the world, as well. But God’s wisdom is far above human wisdom. When we walk in obedience to God by the power of His Spirit – He does miracles in our lives and relationships. He heals broken, messed up situations. He restores love, harmony, peace, joy, and order. He is a powerful God! His ways are best.

      As far as the finances, each couple can decide how they want to handle that. I like the idea of finances being together because God’s design for marriage is that we are one flesh. And we become one in Him spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

      Marriage is to represent Christ’s relationship with His people. We become One with Him in Spirit.

      The husband is supposed to portray the selfless, giving, generous, sacrificial love and humble leadership of Christ. The wife is supposed to portray the selfless, adoring, reverent, humble church. Together, a godly husband and wife are to be a living display of the Gospel of Christ to draw many to Himself.

      I pray that God might open your heart to the new life Jesus offers to you. I’d love to talk about that with you any time! I am praying for you, my friend. 🙂

      Much love to you!

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      • Peacefulwife
        March 2, 2015 at 10:13 pm #

        ChildofRa,

        I think that you are somehow missing my point about ALL believers – husbands and wives – being selfless, giving, generous, loving, respectful, etc… I only teach wives, so I talk about what wives can do on our end of the marriage. But husbands are called just as much if not more to be just as selfless, just as thoughtful, just as generous, loving, and honoring of their wives. If a wife is not ready for sex, a godly husband will not force himself on her. NEVER! He will be patient and gentle and try to find out what he can do to bless her and to help her work through whatever is troubling her.

        I never condone a husband raping his wife or having sex with her by force. There is a world of difference between God’s command that both husband and wife are to be willing and available to each other as much as possible vs. condoning marital rape.

        God gives the husband authority over his wife’s body and the wife authority over the husband’s body. Neither is to deprive each other. And neither is to act selfishly or to hurt the other. There is to be love and respect flowing in both directions. Whenever any believer’s spouse doesn’t want sex (whether it is the husband or wife) – a believer is able to be selfless and wait. But on the other side, whenever a believer’s spouse would like to have sex (husband or wife), a believer in Christ is to seek to be available and joyfully willing whenever possible. That applies to husbands and wives.

        I’m not really sure how you think that I am saying this only applies to wives. There is to be no selfishness, cruelty, insensitivity, harshness, rudeness, disrespect, or anything unloving in a Christian marriage on either side of the marriage. If both spouses are able to be selfless, putting the other person above themselves, seeking the highest welfare on every level of the other person, seeking to bless the other person, rather than seeking things selfishly, it will be a beautiful union. That is the design of God. I hope that clears things up for you.

        Much love to you!

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  52. palmer
    May 7, 2015 at 1:31 pm #

    what does it mean if you notice your husband does *a lot* of those thing to you…? :/ does this mean my husband not respect me then?

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    • Peacefulwife
      May 7, 2015 at 1:59 pm #

      Palmer,

      It is possible that your husband may be disrespecting you.

      Husbands are commanded by God to treat their wives with honor (I Peter 3:7) so that their prayers will not be hindered.

      Sometimes husbands respond with disrespect because they feel disrespected by their wives.
      Sometimes they have their own sin issues to deal with that don’t have anything to do with their wives.

      But – the most powerful way to address a husband’s disrespect (unless he has uncontrolled mental illness, or is truly abusing you, involved in criminal activity, or in unrepentant infidelity) – is to begin to treat him with respect and to treat yourself and God with respect. I have a post about that at the top of my home page that may be helpful.

      How are things going in general in your marriage? Are either of you believers in Christ?

      I’d be glad to talk more about this with you, if you would like. 🙂

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      • palmer
        May 7, 2015 at 2:14 pm #

        Things are going good in our marriage! Of course we have ups and downs… i work hard to be respectful, ive been following your blog, and reading books… i try to usually focus only on me and how i can change..
        but as i was reading this post i cant help but notice my husband does a lot of those things to me

        •lack of attention/appreciation
        criticism
        not really listening
        being critical
        •Asking a question starting with WHY
        putting me down in front of others (he is joking tho and always hugs me and says you know im kidding)
        things along those lines and theres a lot more in the list i notice he does to me..

        i am definately a more dominant agressive woman, and in my approach so i have to be especially careful to be respectful but i fail at times. and at the beginning of our marriage i was really bad.. We are both believers in Christ to the full effect ! 🙂 thanks for taking time for me 🙂

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        • Peacefulwife
          May 8, 2015 at 8:45 am #

          Palmer,

          You could certainly address some of these things – after much prayer and with the prompting of the Holy Spirit. And I am not sure you would want to address them all together – because he may feel attacked, depending on his personality.

          He may mean nothing by asking you “why” questions – I’m sure a lot of people don’t intend to be disrespectful with that wording.

          But you may want to say something (when you are not upset and it is a good time and he is in a good mood) like,
          – “Honey, it would mean so much to me if you might speak in positive ways about me in front of other people. I don’t like it when I feel put down. Thanks.” 🙂
          – “Sweetheart, I care very much about your thoughts, ideas, wisdom, and suggestions. Your perspective is important to me. I want to know that my perspective is important to you, too. I know you don’t have to agree with me on everything, but I would love to feel heard. Something that I think might help me feel more heard and valued would be…”

          For the not really listening, lack of attention/appreciation… I am not sure what is going on because I don’t know enough yet. But, I would suggest that when you have something really important to tell him, you tell him in “bullet point” format and get to the point pretty efficiently and quickly. Maybe only ask him to listen for 2-5 minutes. If you are expecting him to listen to your ideas or feelings for an hour or two – he may not be able to stay with you that long and stay totally attentive for that amount of time, especially if he feels overwhelmed with too many details. Is it possible that might be happening sometimes?

          Again, I don’t know your situation well at all – so, I would love for you to watch to see, is he really being critical of you, or is he attempting to offer you solutions to your problems? Is he trying to reframe things for you or give you a different, possibly less stressful perspective? Or does he feel criticized so he lashes out with criticism at you? Or is he a perfectionist, so he wants everything to be “just right” and that is part of his personality? You can still address it, but it depends why and how he is being critical – as to how you may want to best respond.

          Or, you could talk about that you were reading a post about wives respecting their husbands and what disrespect looks like to men and ask him his thoughts about these particular issues regarding respect – it may give you insight into how he thinks about these things.

          Praying for God’s wisdom for you both!

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  53. Shannon
    June 19, 2015 at 12:26 pm #

    This list has given me an awareness to my sinful behavior. I’m guilty of so much more then I ever knew and my God is it painful to see my ugly sinful nature. I’m so broken inside but so thankful that I’m being pursued by my Lord, I’m not alone. Hold me Jesus cuz I’m shaking like a leaf.

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    • Peacefulwife
      June 19, 2015 at 5:35 pm #

      Shannon,

      I so wish someone had been able to share a list like this with me 21 years ago – the first summer Greg and I were married. I had no idea how much pain I caused my wonderful husband for over 14 years in our marriage. How I regret my disrespect! I didn’t purposely disrespect him, and never knew that I was contributing to the problems in our marriage all that time. I thank God every day for opening my eyes and for being willing to radically change me.

      I’m so excited to be on this journey with you. You are not alone! God is good at showing us the yucky stuff in our hearts and lives if we will be still and let Him work. And I know He will help you rebuild on the foundation of Christ and the truth of His Word and that He will do something so incredibly beautiful in your life and marriage.

      I’m here any time you want to talk.

      Much love!
      April

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      • Shannon
        June 21, 2015 at 9:25 am #

        Thank you. All that you share here has been such an inspiration. I’m so thankful that God is providing through you a new awareness in me of how disrespectful and selfish I’ve been to my husband. I placed him where Only God belongs and have expected him to be only what God can be for me. Blinders are coming off.

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        • Peacefulwife
          June 21, 2015 at 9:04 pm #

          Shannon,

          I know this part is SUPER painful – but I am really excited about what God is showing you and about where He will take you from here! Thanks so much for sharing, my precious sister. 🙂 Much love to you! I’m here if you need to talk.

          Like

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  54. Raquel
    June 30, 2015 at 6:02 pm #

    I am a newlywed, I have been married less than two months. Although I dated my husband for quite some time, I never felt lonely until we got married and i have never nagged him like I do now. I know the two are related. My husband has been more than patient with me and i know he trying his best to figure out being a husband, but it makes me aggravated. I feel unloved and unnoticed and I create problems just to get his attention. I hate it, I don’t like the wife I am being. I don’t know how to communicate what I am feeling to my husband, I have prayed and prayed, but it is almost like I’m stuck. I am constantly attacked in my mind with thoughts of frustration and insecurity… I don’t want to rob myself of a happy marriage..please let me know if you have any suggestion.

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    • Peacefulwife
      June 30, 2015 at 9:26 pm #

      Raquel,
      Oh my! Can I relate to you! I believe you will find many, many posts here that will bless you. 🙂

      I suggest searching my home page search bar for the following terms and reading the posts:

      – insecurity
      – idol husband
      – idol happiness
      – control
      – loneliness
      – lonely
      – security
      – identity
      – expectations
      – Please, God! Anything but This!
      – separation paradox
      – ungodly woman
      – my demon
      – fear
      – godly femininity
      – learning respect is a process

      I am right here, and always glad to talk with you. I am so glad God is showing you these things so much earlier than I learned about them in my marriage. The process is painful, but as you learn to find all of your contentment in Christ and stop expecting your husband to meet your deepest needs – you can find Real Love and Real Life in Jesus. And He can heal you and your marriage for His glory!

      Much love!!

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  55. Sarah
    July 16, 2015 at 10:18 am #

    What if most of the things on this list he subjects to me? It is opposite in my home. So what do I do? How do I receive the respect I deserve?
    I am not without flaws, but reading this makes me angry because this list is how he treats me.

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    • Peacefulwife
      July 16, 2015 at 6:51 pm #

      Sarah,

      Goodness, that sounds icky!

      How long have things been like this?

      How do you treat your husband?

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      How do you respond when you feel disrespected by your husband?

      Are there abuse issues, mental health disorders, drug/alcohol addictions, infidelity going on with either of you?

      What were your families like growing up?

      Much love to you!

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      • kmwsewjaw
        July 16, 2015 at 9:42 pm #

        I do want to point out that it isn’t everything on the list, at least half though.
        There is nothing bad going on with addiction or abuse or infidelity.
        I react with yelling out bursts that usually start a large yelling battle that result in shutting us both up.
        This has progressively gotten worse since he started nursing school last year.
        I have a beginners relationship with Christ, he comes to church with me, but is on the fence about the existence of God.
        My childhood was crazy with a lot of kids and a lot of problem.
        His was very “American normal” it was him and his sister.
        He is very one sided and thinks of his feelings first, acts on them, then apologises later after the fact, but I feel like it is an apology to smooth things over. I still have to fight my point of how I feel. I have read some of your posts and though I make a lot of mistakes as a wife I feel he doesn’t treat me the way he should. Be should want to respect me as a person, a woman, his wife.

        I am at an odds, I will look over the list again and be more specific to which ones he does and hopefully you can give advice. Today I told him to write a list of things I do that make him feel disrespected or resent me and that I will make the same list. I told him that we have communication issue that should be addressed, I do not like the way I feel and I am sure he feels the same.
        We have been married for 10 years and I want to be happy and to be able to tell others that marriage is great, instead of telling people to run.

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        • Peacefulwife
          July 16, 2015 at 10:54 pm #

          Kmwsewjaw,

          Almost all of us have baggage from our childhood. I had very loving parents with a decent marriage who were both believers, and I accepted Christ at age 5 and never got in major trouble – but I still absorbed a bunch of messed up ways of thinking and unbiblical ideas about femininity, masculinity, God, and marriage. If you are a new believer and your family growing up was really dysfunctional, you have a lot of work to do ask God to help you to recognize and throw away all the ungodly, unbiblical ideas and to learn, embrace, and practice God’s wisdom and His design for you as a believer, woman, and wife. I know I had to trash almost everything I thought I knew about these topics and decide to rebuild from scratch on Jesus and His Word alone.

          I have a lot of posts here that I believe will bless you on this journey. 🙂

          If he doesn’t know Christ, that is his greatest need. Screaming at him is not going to draw him to Christ or to you. There are much more powerful, beautiful, feminine, godly ways to approach your husband that will bless you both. 🙂

          What kinds of things do you do just to bless your husband and to treat him with honor and respect? How do you seek to meet his needs and be a godly wife?

          Are you holding on to any bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, pride, hatred, or any other sin in your heart toward anyone?

          What are you reading in the Bible?
          What do you pray for?

          Do you have a godly mentoring wife?

          How are you being discipled? What are you doing to grow in your faith and in maturity in Christ?

          I’m happy to walk beside you on this journey.

          I hope you might search my home page for-
          “Ungodly woman”
          “Godly femininity”
          “What is respect in marriage?”
          “Confronting our husbands about their sin”
          “When my spouse is wrong”
          “A Godly Wife Confronts Her Husband”

          Much love to you!!! I am so excited about what God is about to do in your life!:)

          I also have a Youtube channel, April Cassidy, that might be helpful. This week, I have “the Smiling Challenge” running.

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  56. shawna
    July 21, 2015 at 8:27 am #

    Whew…that’s alot if rules right there I’m wore out reading that list…I suppose respecting trusting ur spouse should cover quite a bit of them! Was nice to see a man communicate that much detail so good job on that!

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  57. seriouslyserving
    August 9, 2015 at 5:14 pm #

    Hi April,
    I just wanted to share my story of something that happened the other day.
    I read this list a little while ago, and found it quite eye opening in some ways. Thankfully, my husband usually doesn’t hesitate to tell me if I am being outright disrespectful. But I suspect there are some of these things that he wouldn’t come out and say because he thinks it would be “unfair”.
    When I read the point about leaving detailed instructions for the kids when you go away, I was shocked because I do this all the time and thought I was being helpful! But I know in the past, my husband has expressed that he feels disrespected when I lay out exact steps for how to do things with the kids, because it is saying that I don’t trust him to do it right.

    The other day, the men’s ministry team in our church decided to put the men’s breakfast on the same day as the women’s retreat. They said the men could just bring the kids along, since it would be a short time, and they would just put a movie on for them or something.

    Immediately, I began to feel stressed about this, thinking about all the things that could go wrong with our kids in this scenario (they are preschool and toddler age). My immediate desire was to go and lay out my concerns to my husband. Not to stop him going, just to say, “remember to take our daughter to the toilet x amount of times, remember to check in on them, remember to change our son’s nappy, etc. etc.”
    But I knew how this would come across to him.

    So I didn’t say anything, I just prayed to God about my anxiety and asked that he would take it away.

    The next day, one of the guys from the ministry team (my husband is on the team) called to check if my husband would be coming. I was in the room when he took the call. And I listened to my husband explain that he wouldn’t be able to make it to that event, as it just wouldn’t work with the kids at their current ages. The other guy was a bit sad that he couldn’t make it, but my husband just explained that while it would be a great idea for the older kids, it would just be too fraught with issues for our kids.

    I silently thanked God for answering my prayer!

    Here’s the kicker though:
    I initially thought the answer to prayer was God guiding my husband in the right thing to do, without me having to tell him.
    But what if my husband knew what to do all along and the real answer to prayer was God helping me to shut up long enough to see that?

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    • Peacefulwife
      August 9, 2015 at 8:12 pm #

      seriouslyserving,

      I’m really glad you prayed and took your anxiety to God. 🙂 That is WISE!

      You know what? Our husbands know a lot more than we often give them credit for. For me, just me backing off and giving Greg time and space revealed that he was perfectly capable of making very good decisions – I just had to give him some room. 🙂

      Thank you very much for sharing! This was a good faith-builder. 🙂

      Like

      Reply
  58. G
    November 12, 2015 at 5:22 am #

    As a Man, Husband, and Father who really tries to do right and be a Godly example…wow. Brings me to tears as type.

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    • Peacefulwife
      November 12, 2015 at 8:32 am #

      G.,

      So, you would agree with what some of the other husbands shared?

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  59. LD Hope
    November 12, 2015 at 9:26 am #

    So what if your wife believes she is respectful and becomes defensive or goes on the attack when I call her on what is disrespectful?

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    • Peacefulwife
      November 12, 2015 at 9:53 am #

      LD Hope,

      I’m not sure if one or both of you have a relationship with Christ?

      A lot of wives don’t receive this kind of information very well. Sometimes, changing the approach can help. It is hard to receive criticism. It may be helpful if a wife can hear that there are things she does that her husband likes and appreciates, too. And some women stumble on the word “respect” or “disrespect” because that is not on our radar much in our culture today. Some women better understand if a husband talks about feeling unloved or hurt.

      Also, if a husband can approach his wife gently, softly, and lovingly – rather than yelling or being harsh – she may be able to hear him better.

      He may want to address issues that are affecting her. Does she feel unloved? Why? Is she fearful? Why? Is she trusting God or is she trying to carry the sovereignty of God on her shoulders? You can search my home page for “fear” and “control” because these are often at the root of why a wife may be disrespectful.

      Another issue is – what did she see growing up and what does she see among her friends and in the media? If all she saw was disrespect, she may truly not know what is respectful. She may think she IS being respectful, like I did – and not realize all the nuances involved in respect.

      Some wives are receptive to hearing that their husbands feel disrespected. Some are very closed to this. God can open a wife’s eyes. Ultimately – only God can convict anyone of sin.

      It could be helpful to invite your wife to read a book together where both of you will focus on learning to better meet the other spouse’s needs. Like Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. That is the book God used to open my eyes.

      This post may also be helpful – “Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?”

      A lot of husbands use my blog to “reverse engineer” things. A post that may be helpful is “Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin.” I share Scripture about how to confront a fellow Christian who has sinned against us.

      A post my brother wrote that may be helpful is, “When My Spouse Is Wrong.”

      Wives respond most to love and gentleness, not to yelling, violence, threats, or stonewalling. I pray God might give you wisdom as you seek to address this issue together as a team and that He might help you strengthen all the parts of your marriage for His glory. 🙂

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  60. webbsignworks
    December 8, 2015 at 11:53 am #

    Wow! A long list. I don’t recall seeing this particular one but I will add.
    When someone rebukes me, or verbally attacks me, instead of keeping silent, or agreeing with them, why not correct them, or at least show some disapproval instead of making me feel like you agree with their assessment or that I deserve it. One example: When your mother comes, stays at our home, and makes comments on things about me that she doesn’t approve of (like my beard).. Then, when I protest, taking sides with “mom”.

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  61. Melissa
    December 29, 2015 at 12:24 am #

    This list is very confusing. Parts of it sound like a man who may be a little sensitive but then ends with clear abuse by his partner. I guess everyone’s sense of respect varies, as mentioned but this is kind of vague. I mean I get frustrated with my husband’s parenting because I see him trying to be more of a friend than looking out for the lesson being taught. I HAVE to step in and say alright, let’s try and see this angle too. Right around the time the counseling came up on the list is when there is clear abuse happening. I hope this turned out ok. When it comes to respecting your spouse, whom you assuming my know well enough to gauge their expectations, it should be safe to say treat them as you would expect to be treated only a little better. If there is an imbalance of expectations that is a comparability issue so you work on it or you move on.

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    • Peacefulwife
      December 29, 2015 at 10:37 am #

      Melissa,

      This list is compiled from a number of different men. Each man has his own list. And each woman has her own list of things that feel unloving vs loving to her, as well.

      There are certainly times a wife may need to speak to something her husband is doing. We can do that respectfully, in private, whenever possible.

      Here is a post about confronting our husbands about their sin.

      Here is a post about respecting our husbands as fathers.

      Thanks for sharing! 🙂

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  62. Leslie
    January 3, 2016 at 9:04 pm #

    Good list

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  63. PJ
    March 27, 2016 at 11:13 am #

    Lack of respect for each others independance.

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  64. Suzie Brewer
    April 4, 2016 at 4:07 pm #

    There are things here I agree with, but I also think there are things that are more about pride than being hurt than what the bible really means as respect. However if all of this is really what God sees as disrespectful behavior, then the husband should be modeling the kind of treatment he wants. My husband thinks it is fine if he does these things to me.

    No matter what- Treat others the way you want to be treated. Simple, and has nothing to do with how others treat you.

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    • Peacefulwife
      April 5, 2016 at 7:43 am #

      Suzie Brewer,

      Thanks so much for your comment. 🙂

      It is possible that husbands could be prideful – pride is certainly a risk for all of us. It is the foundation for every other sin and something to which we humans are particularly prone and often blind to in ourselves. And it would be wonderful if all of us had spouses who were modeling godly behavior. The world would be a much better place!

      However, some things God has impressed on me since He opened my eyes to my own disrespectful, controlling, prideful, self-righteous, hurtful behavior in December of 2008 are that:

      1. I am not always a very accurate judge of the inner, hidden motives of others.
      2. My husband thinks VERY differently than I do and unless I am really careful to study and seek to understand his different perspective, I tend to assume wrong motives on his part even when there are none.
      3. I can’t make my husband set a godly example, but I do have control over myself. I can allow God to radically transform me, my thoughts, my motives, and my behavior just so that I please God and am a blessing to my husband. This was the pathway to great healing in my own marriage and in hundreds of marriages I have seen around the world. And I love that we don’t have to wait on our husbands to change, but we can look to God to change us and trust our husbands to His Spirit to work on them in His timing.

      Husbands and wives need love and respect. I pray for healing for you, for your husband, and for your marriage, my dear sister. 🙂

      Much love to you!

      Why Do I Have to Change First?
      The Surprising Root of All Marriage Problems
      Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

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    […] What is disrespectful to husbands? […]

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  9. God’s Design for Marriage is Sexy – Part 2 | Peacefulwife's Blog - February 1, 2013

    […] What is disrespectful to men? […]

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  10. Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful To Them | The Salty Spouse - February 18, 2013

    […] This is a post from April over at Peaceful Wife […]

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  11. But, I’m a GOOD Person! | Peacefulwife's Blog - June 11, 2013

    […] forgive others.  God Himself would forgive – but I didn’t think I should have to.  I disrespected my husband all day every day – unintentionally – but I wounded him deeply, nonetheless.  I had no […]

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  12. But, I’m a GOOD Person! | Peaceful Single Girl - June 11, 2013

    […] of a sinner.  God Himself would forgive – but I didn’t think I should have to.  I disrespected my husband all day every day – unintentionally – but I wounded him deeply, nonetheless.  I had no […]

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  13. Men, Testosterone and Temptation – Part 2 | Peacefulwife's Blog - June 26, 2013

    […] God desires you to be, the greater the blessing you will be to your man.  Study and learn to stop disrespect, and to  start respecting him and to honor his God-given […]

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  14. Dare 1 – Expectations | Peacefulwife's Blog - July 1, 2013

    […] what is disrespectful to my husband so I can stop those things that hurt […]

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  15. The Expectation Dare | Peaceful Single Girl - July 2, 2013

    […] what is disrespectful to men so I can stop those […]

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  16. Respect Dare 1: Already a Challenge | The Forgiven Wife - July 10, 2013

    […] Peaceful Wife has a list of things husbands find disrespectful. I do a lot of things on the list, although to be fair, some […]

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  17. The Respect Dare | Broken But Not Forgotten - July 11, 2013

    […] Okay so if your like me and don’t know if you are or are not disrespecting your husband please visit: http://peacefulwife.com/2012/09/19/husbands-share-what-is-disrespectful-to-them/  […]

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  18. Day 14 – “Treat Him Like a Man” | Peacefulwife's Blog - July 14, 2013

    […] concept is very foreign to many of us. It was for me! I was shocked to find all the things that can make husbands feel disrespected. It is like learning a new language and culture when we begin on this journey, in my […]

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  19. Not enought respect. | Walking Barefoot Through the Sands of Time - July 17, 2013

    […] and we’re happy. But  when I read the first dare, Orenda’s blog and the list posted on Peaceful Wife’s blog of ways in which husband’s are disrespected it was like a punch in the […]

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  20. What Does it Mean to “Respect” My Husband? | Peacefulwife's Blog - July 21, 2013

    […] is disrespectful to […]

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  21. Respect | Peaceful Single Girl - July 21, 2013

    […] is disrespectful to […]

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  22. Biblical Submission- a Huge Key to Peace | Peacefulwife's Blog - July 26, 2013

    […] you know that men feel unloved when they feel disrespected?  And did you know that many women have no idea all the things we inadvertently do that make our […]

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  23. Other Ways to Show Love | Rock His World - July 31, 2013

    […] Show him respect to your husband and teach your children to respect him also.  I think this is a huge one today.  We live in a world where there is so much disrespect.  Respect is something we crave, we don’t like it when people dismiss us, our opinions, or our actions as being worthless.  We all want people in general and our families specifically to give honest, careful consideration to our actions.  We don’t often get it in the world, but we crave it from our family. (PeacefulWife.com has a couple of posts that you may want to check out on this topic.5 Ways Wives Unwittingly Disrespect Their Husbands & Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them) […]

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  24. BROKEN BUT NOT FORGOTTEN » Blog Archive » The Respect Dare - August 2, 2013

    […] Okay so if your like me and don’t know if you are or are not disrespecting your husband please visit: http://peacefulwife.com/2012/09/19/husbands-share-what-is-disrespectful-to-them/  […]

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  25. The Respect Dare, Day 38 – Taking Initiative Sexually in Marriage | Peacefulwife's Blog - August 7, 2013

    […] sure that you are respecting your husband and not inadvertently treating him with disrespect. Disrespect is a huge turn off for many men. Check out these posts if you haven’t because […]

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  26. Respect Dare: Expectations | Busy Bee's Heart to Heart Ministry - August 13, 2013

    […] Don’t forget to stop by Unbroken Woman’s blog,  Peaceful Wife’s blog and Broken But Not Forgotten’s […]

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  27. Respect Dare: Day 2 Look Within | Busy Bee's Heart to Heart Ministry - August 14, 2013

    […] forget to stop by Unbroken Woman’s blog,  Peaceful Wife’s blog and Broken But Not Forgotten’s […]

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  28. A Wake Up Call for Wives | Peacefulwife's Blog - November 7, 2013

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them […]

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  29. A Wake Up Call for Women | Peaceful Single Girl - November 7, 2013

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them  […]

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  30. “I Don’t Want to Lose My Voice!” | Peacefulwife's Blog - November 17, 2013

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them […]

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  31. He Doesn’t Deserve My Respect. | Peacefulwife's Blog - November 21, 2013

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them […]

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  32. Stages of This Journey – Part 2 | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 1, 2013

    […] to do this, in my view, as we spend more time with God and try to learn and figure out how to stop disrespect and control and how to begin to be respectful and learn to be godly […]

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  33. How to Deal With an Emotionally Distant Husband | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 5, 2013

    […] What is Disrespectful to Husbands? […]

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  34. Who Is Calling Us Out for Our Sin as Women? | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 19, 2013

    […] disrespect towards our husbands […]

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  35. Who Is Calling Us Out on Our Sin? | Peaceful Single Girl - December 21, 2013

    […] disrespect towards our husbands […]

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  36. Giving Friends Godly Marriage Advice | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 21, 2013

    […] disrespect […]

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  37. When We Call Something “Abuse” That Isn’t Abuse | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 22, 2013

    […] a husband saying that he feels disrespected […]

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  38. Things Are Beginning to Click – a Wife’s Little Victories | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 27, 2013

    […] Stop Arguing and Complaining (which is a command of God for all believers in Philippians 2:13-16) Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them Finding Contentment/Security in Christ Alone Defending Myself No […]

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  39. Giving Friends Godly Relationship Advice | Peaceful Single Girl - December 27, 2013

    […] disrespect […]

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  40. Things Are Beginning to Click – a Wife’s Little Victories | Peaceful Single Girl - December 28, 2013

    […] Stop Arguing and Complaining (which is a command of God for all believers in Philippians 2:13-16) Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them Finding Contentment/Security in Christ Alone Defending Myself No […]

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  41. My Husband Won’t Lead in Our Marriage – Part 2 | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 29, 2013

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them […]

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  42. The Pink Pill: Rarely Taken | RedPillPushers - January 9, 2014

    […] Reality: Let’s ask some men, shall we? Understand this, that men will not respond to your disrespect by opening up. […]

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  43. Disrespecting My Husband Continued… | path2proverbs31 - January 30, 2014

    […] morning, I came across what husbands find to be disrespectful to them. You can find the list here: http://peacefulwife.com/2012/09/19/husbands-share-what-is-disrespectful-to-them/. I couldn’t believe how many of these I do on a daily basis. For […]

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  44. “He Broke My Trust. I Can’t Forgive Him.” | Peacefulwife's Blog - February 7, 2014

    […] Your Husband May be Feeling Disrespected”at the top of my home page, and the post about disrespect, respectand biblical submission– and what is attractive/unattractive to […]

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  45. Am I Really Justified? | Peacefulwife's Blog - February 23, 2014

    […] to my parent’s house. It was going to take FIVE MORE MINUTES to go the way he wanted to go. So I told him he was going the wrong way and that he was such a bad driver and that he was wasting o… Why can’t he just do exactly what I tell him to all the […]

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  46. Day 19: How I Discovered Respect - February 23, 2014

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them […]

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  47. Do We Try to Control Our Husbands’ Jobs? | Peacefulwife's Blog - April 30, 2014

    […] Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them […]

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  48. Some Clarifications | Peacefulwife's Blog - May 27, 2014

    […] try to share as many ideas as possible about how to respect our husbands and what speaks disrespect to husbands, not because every husband will feel respected by every idea I share, but just to try to give wives […]

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  49. How Disrespectful Was I? | Peacefulwife's Blog - June 13, 2014

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them […]

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  50. My Husband Gets Angry When I Respectfully Disagree with Him | Peacefulwife's Blog - July 28, 2014

    […] A wife may not realize she is coming across disrespectfully in some way – that can make a husband feel disrespected and angry or make him want to shut down. Even a “little tiny bit” of disrespect from a wife’s perspective can be perceived as a lot of disrespect from a husband’s perspective. Some things that we as wives tend not to notice that can seem disrespectful to our husbands can be our word choices that might imply disrespect to our particular husbands, our tone of voice, our facial expressions and body language. (Nonverbal Disrespect – Youtube Video) […]

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  51. Some Husbands Share Their Perspectives – PART 2 | Peacefulwife's Blog - August 28, 2014

    […] Husbands Share What Makes Them Feel Disrespected […]

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  52. What Does It Mean to Be an Ungodly Woman? | Peacefulwife's Blog - October 2, 2014

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them September 19, 2012 […]

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  53. When Your Husband Battles Pornography | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 6, 2014

    […] have seen husbands who feel disrespected by their wives turn to porn. I have heard from MANY men who say, “When my wife disrespects me, I have ZERO […]

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  54. “Do I Have the Right to Punish My Husband?” | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 15, 2014

    […] disrespecting their husbands […]

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  55. Why Don’t I Address Women Who Are Abused? | Peacefulwife's Blog - December 29, 2014

    […] are being abused but they are not. Some of these wives are actually controlling, manipulative, and disrespectful and their husbands are desperately trying to get the family back on track with God’s […]

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  56. Some Questions from a Wife with an Easily Angered Husband | Peacefulwife's Blog - January 12, 2015

    […] they think we are sending. If we are being disrespectful, it may be a good thing for us to work on getting rid of any intentional or unintentional disrespect and to focus on learning what respect means to our […]

    Like
  57. Will Domestic Discipline Help My Husband Lead? | - March 20, 2015

    […]  http://peacefulwife.com/2012/09/19/husbands-share-what-is-disrespectful-to-them/ […]

    Like
  58. A Fellow Wife Thinks about Giving Space | Peacefulwife's Blog - April 2, 2015

    […] cling to our husbands and giving them space is normal for wives who have been rather controlling, disrespectful (from our husbands’ perspectives), or desperate to be close to their husbands and who are […]

    Like
  59. “My Husband Referred Me to Your Site – What a Jerk!” | Peacefulwife's Blog - June 15, 2015

    […] Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them […]

    Like
  60. When Your Husband Flirts with Other Women | Peacefulwife's Blog - June 19, 2015

    […] I treat him with disrespect? (This is a LONG list of things for most men – it is surprising to many women all the things […]

    Like
  61. “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” | - June 25, 2015

    […] – Am I being controlling or disrespectful? […]

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  62. A Godly Wife Confronts Her Angry Husband Respectfully | - July 2, 2015

    […] I needed to understand the huge amount of disrespectful attitudes and behaviors I was guilty of, blind to, and how dishonoring they were to God, and how they impacted the heart of […]

    Like
  63. Wives Respond to the “The List” | - July 16, 2015

    […] of the most popular posts on my blog is the one where a number of husbands share what they feel is disrespectful. Some women get pretty upset when they read that list and think that “men just have […]

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  64. Twenty-three Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again | - September 3, 2015

    […] Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them […]

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  65. Why You May Want to Keep This a Secret for Awhile… | - September 10, 2015

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them September 19, 2012 […]

    Like
  66. Don’t Wait – Be Willing to Change ASAP! | - September 12, 2015

    […] Stop the hemorrhaging by stopping intentional and unintentional disrespect toward you husband. […]

    Like
  67. Husbands Speak Their Heart: 77 Ways Husbands Feels Disrespected | Marriage and Money - September 22, 2015

    […] to post this article.  At the time of posting there were over 245 comments on this post over at http://www.peacefulwife.com. Several were from wives who drew great offense to the statements (several were very grateful as […]

    Like
  68. The Peacefulwife Respect Dare, Day 1 Expectations | Dear God It's ME - December 5, 2015

    […] desire to understand what is disrespectful to my husband so I can stop those things that hurt […]

    Like
  69. What Husbands Cant Resist | Jemiya1 - June 1, 2016

    […] Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them | The … – Dec 05, 2015  · Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them. by Peacefulwife; on September 19, 2012; in Godly Femininity, how to respect a husband who isn’t a … […]

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Thanks for joining the discussion. :)