Honoring Christ, Our Husbands and Our Marriages in Conflict
My beautiful and precious sisters in Christ,
You have every right to ask him for what you would like, what you want and what you desire politely, pleasantly and respectfully (probably just once is plenty – in most cases) of your husband.
Your husband has every right to decide to answer “no” if he thinks it is best – as long as his decision isn’t sinful. He also has the right to decide what his priorities will be, and to hold off on what you have asked him to do if there are more urgent things that he believes he needs to do for his work or the family. You cannot force him to do what you want him to do. Well… you could try. But that would be extremely disrespectful.
I took over a situation myself – many years ago:
I cleaned up my husband’s tools in the very messy garage one Thanksgiving evening when a heating and air guy couldn’t walk to the furnace in the garage the day before. The service guy was very unhappy about how messy the garage was and told me to ask my husband to clear a path so he could walk through that Friday when he came back. I asked my husband – in a very contentious way – to please CLEAN UP THE NASTY, FILTHY GARAGE! I was SO EMBARRASSED! I HATE clutter and mess and I could hardly stand to look at his side of the garage. I wanted to hyperventilate every time I walked past it. I wanted a garage that looked completely well-swept, spotless, clean, organized – and, well, like a picture from a Lowe’s magazine, of course!
He wouldn’t clean the garage. He was probably watching a football game that was important to him – which I also didn’t care about whatsoever at the time. THE MAN WAS COMING THE NEXT MORNING!!!!!!!!!! THERE WAS NO TIME TO WASTE! How could my husband just sit there when there was a CRISIS on our hands? (That makes me smile now – to see how upset I was about this – as if it were a life or death situation.)
I was INFURIATED.
So I stormed down to the garage and began throwing away all the trash and tool packages that never got thrown away and had been sitting there for months. I seethed with resentment against my husband with every move I made. I organized and sorted things and put them in plastic totes and labelled them “paint stuff,” “caulk,” “tools,” “electrical” etc. And it looked a whole lot better when I was done, too. I was very proud of myself. Task accomplished. Yep! I had my priorities straight.
Now, the AC/heating man would be happy with me the next day, and I wouldn’t get criticized or condemned by that man. (I was a people pleaser back then – particularly with strangers – which is what people pleasers often do.)
My husband eventually realized what I had done and got REALLY upset. I had intruded on his private territory and messed with all his stuff. I had put things where he couldn’t find them. I had thrown away things that he didn’t want to be thrown away. I had deliberately gone against him and done something he specifically told me NOT to do. (I was unknowingly quite disrespectful and controlling back then, but I normally didn’t blatantly go directly against him like that.) And I hadn’t even cared one lick that it would upset him.
That is probably one of the most disrespectful things I ever did – because I did it out of spite, KNOWING he told me not to touch anything, but I didn’t care what he wanted. I didn’t want to be embarrassed with the heating and air guy again the next day. I thought I was SO “right.” Make the AC dude happy! That is VERY important, right? Unfortunately, that decision was NOT WISE on my part. I cared more about respecting and pleasing that total stranger than I did about respecting and pleasing my husband or God. 
I’m now very ashamed to say.
We as women are often so tuned in to the details in life – that we can get so focused on a little issue and how “right” we are – that we can miss the things that are truly most important in life and in our relationship with God and people if we are not careful.
MY STRATEGY NOW FOR THOSE ISSUES WHERE WE DON’T AGREE:
If the above example happened today, I would smile, casually approach my husband and say, “Oh, Honey, the heating and air guy asked if you would please clear a path in the garage so he can walk to the furnace tomorrow. Thanks!”
Then I would drop it. If he didn’t do it – I would wait until my husband left, and then cleared a small path. No big deal. I’m sure that our garage isn’t the only one that is messy.
These days, I have a feeling that my husband would probably gladly clear a path in the garage if I asked him like I have just described. I get what I want MUCH MORE OFTEN now that my husband knows I respect him and I am not trying to control him.
Here is what I ask myself now.
- Is it possible that God is nudging him to keep some of these things/ do what he is doing for a reason that I don’t know anything about? (Check out this post to see an example in real life!)
- Is it possible that I am hormonal/stressed/exhausted and this issue isn’t actually as important as it feels like it is right now?
- Am I am putting someone else’s feelings above my husbands? Is that person a God-given authority in my life? (ie: the government, a pastor, my boss) Is that person’s authority in my life higher than my husband’s in God’s sight? (like – is my husband asking me to join a cult or do something illegal? If so, I can resist him.)
- Is this issue more important than the unity and peace of our marriage?
- Is this issue more important to me than making sure my husband feels respected and loved?
- Is this issue big enough and critical enough that I need to jeopardize the unity and intimacy in my marriage about it?
- Is this issue important enough that it is acceptable for me to wound my husband about it?
- Is it possible that my husband has a valid perspective that I could consider?
- Is my husband asking me to sin or condone sin? Is having a messy garage a sin according to God’s Word? Ummmm….. I can’t find that verse!!!!
- Am I holding bitterness and resentment in my heart about this issue?
- Am I being unforgiving?
- Am I being selfish to try to force my way?
- Am I being prideful, thinking I know so much better than my husband or that my way is the only way that is “right”?
- Am I trying to control him instead of honor his God-given leadership?
- Is there sin in my heart that God wants me to repent of? Pride, resentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, selfish ambition, usurping control from my husband are all huge sins in God’s sight. What if I am actually the one sinning here, NOT my husband????? GASP!
- Is this issue more important than my intimacy with Christ and my love for Him? Jesus commands me to respect my husband and to honor His leadership. Jesus says that if I love Him, I WILL obey His commands.
- Is this issue more important to me than Jesus – is it an idol in my heart? Do I refuse to be content unless I have my way about this issue?
If the issue I am concerned about truly is more important than the unity of my marriage, our marriage covenant, my intimacy with my husband, my husband’s God-given leadership, my obedience to God’s Word or my intimacy with Christ – then it’s time to go for it and fight for what I believe is right no matter what the cost.
But if the issue is not important than those goals and priorities I just listed – then, the issue is not a big deal. Obeying God, being free of sin, honoring my husband, having oneness in my marriage and oneness of Christ are my priorities now. That is what I want now that I am totally submitted to Christ! The little issues just don’t matter that much any more. I want God’s will, not mine.
If we are not being godly stewards about this issue, MY HUSBAND is the one God will hold accountable, not me. So, I am off the hook!
I CANNOT CONTROL MY HUSBAND. BUT I CAN INSPIRE HIM.
My husband is a grown man. It is his within his rights to decide how organized/messy he wants to keep his tools in the garage. I may not like it. That’s ok. I can share with him my desire for the garage to be organized – in a pleasant tone of voice with a smile and no pressure. Then, it is up to me to graciously accept his decision and learn to be content with the circumstances.
I now realize that by allowing him the freedom to make the choice about how to organize his tools, I am showing him that:
- I trust him
- I have faith in him
- I allow him to make his own choices about his life
- I honor his leadership and decisions in the family.
By graciously accepting his decision instead of fighting him, I choose:
- intimacy with Christ
- unity with Him
- intimacy with my husband
- unity with him.
- I just might be able to witness miracles as God works in my husband’s heart about something as simple as his tools. I got to witness something like that, probably because of a man who didn’t listen to his wife about this kind of thing! Check it out! A Real Life Example of Biblical Respect and Submission
Husbands assume that when we trust them about little things like this issue – that we will trust them about much bigger issues. They also assume that if we don’t trust them about little issues, that we don’t trust them on bigger issues. Our trust, faith, cooperative spirit and joy in Christ even as he makes a decision we don’t like, and willingness to give him room to make his own choices and even to make ‘wrong’ choices in our minds – will help spur him on to become a better leader and more godly man. AND, God will use it to make us more like Christ and to bring about glory for Himself! I CANNOT LOSE!!!!!!!!
I pray that we will find our contentment 100% in Christ, not in our circumstances. And I pray that God might work powerfully, even in these little issues, to show how beautiful His design for marriage is and that His Name might be highly exalted.
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The Peaceful Wife 
Of course, you are correct! Your logic is flawless and the article is well written. I FEEL BAD that your husband did not see your concern and ignored your request. I am like your husband, I.e. messy, procrastinating, etc. I have done the same thing to my wife that you experienced from your husband. God was not pleased with my overall lack of character, but I did not want to hear it from my wife, especially with attitude. But I know now what I was too stubborn to see then. I was wrong also. I am working on my problems with hoarding, messiness, putting things off, etc. My wife and I are working on them together. God used this weakness in me to build teamwork in our family.
Why am I telling you this? You are not alone and maybe you have not seen the end of your story yet! Be encouraged. Our God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform.
Thank you for writing on this topic. I sense it was not easy to share this with everyone out there. Peace be unto you!
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Darylgstewart,
Thank you for your comments!
That incident happened probably 13 years ago or so.
I praise God that He has shown me how to approach my husband about such issues with respect and gentleness and PATIENCE. Probably, if I had approached my husband kindly and calmly and without trying to pressure him, he would have been infinitely more willing to help me out that night.
Now, I ask him politely about things, and I give him time to decide if he will do it or not. Sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he jumps to take care of things right away. Sometimes he has other priorities first – and that is fine with me. He cares a lot more about my feelings now that I am not criticizing, scolding, lecturing and trying to force my way on him. 🙂
I would probably smile at him and sweetly say, “Honey, would you please clear a path through the garage sometimes before the AC/heating man comes back? That would be wonderful. Thanks!” And just leave it with him. I feel very confident now, that if I were to ask him something like that – that he would be on it.
Now – I don’t allow small issues like this to cause division in our marriage. I wait patiently on my husband and God. It is SO MUCH BETTER this way! 🙂
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I hope I can learn what you have. Thanks as ever for documenting it.
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Considerer,
I think it is so important for women to hear REAL LIFE EXAMPLES of “before” and “After.” I believe that seeing practical examples of what is disrespectful vs. what is respectful is so helpful – dissecting the thoughts and motives behind the actions is critical. We can’t see our sin clearly if we don’t break it down to our motives and the thoughts of our hearts. And then I think it is very important to see godly examples of women living out God’s Word in His power for His glory. It opens the door for God to change hearts and lives. 🙂
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I have the opposite than your circumstance…my husband main focus is pleasing and making other women or men more important than me or my son.
He simply enjoys it.
What advice can you give me?
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Maggie,
Be sure that you stop any negativity, criticism, lecturing, scolding (disrespect) and begin to very consciously praise him, admire him, appreciate him any time he does something for you or your son.
It can be a good thing that he wants to be generous to other people. But if you especially praise his generosity, thoughtfulness, kindness, helpfulness towards you and your son – I would expect in most cases that it would encourage him to consider you more.
YOu cannot necessarily change him. But you can inspire him to direct more of his energy towards his own wife and family by rewarding him when he does.
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We do all those things you suggested. He’s a business man who is in a the field that is both stressful, physically and mentally. He is constantly heaped with praise and “worshiped” of the work he does and by the clients he provides services for..
We, my son and I, do appreciate him very much and always say thank you when he does nice things for us.
It’s like he wants the same reaction he receives out in the work force at home as well. It is both mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting for both my son and I.
He is a good hardworking man. He will always be appreciated by us. We just feel we come, in his list of the
“million” as he puts it, last.
.
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Maggie,
I am glad you are showing him appreciation. How is your relationship when he is home? His love language must be words of affirmation and praise.
Praying for wisdom for you!!!!!
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Because of his stressful work conditions, he isn’t a very pleasant person to be around.
There is a lot of tension in the air and our communication is bad.
Thanks for your prayers and for your listening ear.
Aloha,
Maggie
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Great post, I can relate. I have OCD in the worst way. I have always thought the things around here should be cleaned MY way, etc. I cleaned off my husbands desk in the office one time and boy was that a mistake. First of all the office is in the basement behind a closed door, so noones sees it except us, and it is my husbands place not mine. ( he is In control of our budget etc so he sits down there and does our finances etc. Well it’s hooked onto our storage room that’s why I was down there. I went to get a gift bag for my daughters gift for her friend ( yup I’m one of those that keeps gift bags to reuse lol). I walked in the room and there it was, a piled desk. So ofcourse my OCD kicked in and I cleaned it off. A few day later when it was bill time again, he hollered upstairs for me, so I went down to basement. He said ” honey, my desk is cleaned , it looks great but did I ask you to clean it”? At that point I knew I had made a mistake. He then said ” did you throw away all the reciepts on top of desk”, oops yup I did. Well I guess he needed to save one of them. So he said ” I love you and the desk does look nice, but it’s my area and please let it be how I want it little miss OCD”. He said it with a smile and kiss but I still felt terrible. I do need to respect his ” areas” in the home. So from that day on, I ask him if I feel something needs cleaned, etc. most of the time as I looked back, it was not a need to have things a certain way. I had a problem of wanting thigs MY way! I’m still working on it , getting better. I now take a step back and ask myself ” if I do this will it honor and respect my husband “. It’s much better sence I’ve been doin that.
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Michelle,
You and your husband handled that MUCH BETTER than my husband and I did!
I am really impressed with the way your husband gently showed you that he would prefer you not touch his desk. VERY good example of godly leadership!
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He is very gentle with his words. I’ve messed up more than one occasion, so he has had plenty of practice on being patient and gentle with me 🙂
I’m working on trying to be quieter and more gentle myself, I have him as an example to look up to.
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Michelle,
Thank you for sharing – this is just beautiful!
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My husband and I are currently separated. Two months now and we were only married for 7 months before we separated. Since we got married it was difficult. We each had two kids from previous relationships. I didn’t realize how difficult living together with kids would be. Even though I have been following God now for a few years, I know there is still so much He is working in me. I messed up, I was demanding, controlling, bad temper, couldn’t love his children as my own, and well he as well had favoritism with his kids. It was just a mess of a marriage. We are both very strong willed and want things our way. In the end, it was my decision after the last straw, to file for divorce. I was angry and filed immediately after I kicked him out. He made a decision with his teenage daughter without me. A decision that he knew would ruin our marriage and didn’t care. He still doesn’t care. Of course during this time, God has been working in me even more and I decided I didn’t want the divorce, but that I also didn’t want the same man. The one that claims God is everything to him, yet he chooses not to put his wife before his children and make decisions without even considering her. . He chose to go behind my back to keep things from me. I know I have to forgive him, I’m working on that, but I just feel like I shouldn’t be trying to work things out if he can’t repent and thinks he did nothing wrong. He didn’t cheat, but the choice he made is a choice I cannot live with and he will not change his mind toward it and neither will I. Not because I’m prideful, but because he is not giving me my place as his wife. I still feel like that girlfriend that had no impact on his choices.
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Evelyn,
I just wanted to say, i understand how hard it is for you. I too have a daughter from a previous marriage and my husband has a son from his previous relationship and we have 2 children together, all are under 10 years old. It is very difficult not to focus on the children and see if one is being treated differently, this got really bad where we had the same arguement over and over again for years! i felt he had some issues 7 months ago, so he left for a few days and i practically had to force him down the therapy route. Luckily the therapist was excellent and saw straight away that he had a problem and she helped him to ‘fix’ it, it was all very emotional. He has been a different person since…however…i have found it hard to forgive and move on and ‘be different’I was controlling, distrustful, judgemental, hypersensitive, catastrophising..i had way more therapy sessions than him and i still couldnt see that i had my own issues…To cut a long story short, to stay together, someone has to begin to act differently and i decided that i couldnt do it on my own so spoke to God and now i am folllowing the Peaceful wife and i realise that myself and my husband are very different and that i should just respect him…it is hard sometimes, but i say a little prayer and ask God to help me have faith in my husband each time i feel anxious, upset or mad. My husband is now actually seeing when he is wrong now and apologising (but i am also seeing that i am wrong too), because i dont relatiate or what a big discussion (i have to let things go)..as long as my children are happy and ok, i can relax, each week, i get stronger and stronger, i can do this now. If there is a particular issue which you cannot resolve, i would suggest some therapy and explain that you do not want to end the marriage and that you believe you can work it out, but that you cant do it on your own and then leave it with him. He has to want it to work out too though…it was so painful at times as i had to really stick to my guns but also loved him so much that it was hard living seperately. I felt like i was in an impossible situation, but now all things are possible, though God who strengthens me, you have to stay strong. My husband didnt think he was doing anything wrong, its hard when you cannot see, like you are blind to what’s really happening, keep praying for him. I hope it works out, i am not trying to give any particular advice, just wanted to say that you are not alone.
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Thank you, JuR, for supporting Evelyn and caring about her pain!
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This hit home for me.
One of the few things my husband does that gets me REALLY angry is refusing to fix things around the house.
For instance, two years ago he took the screen out of my daughter’s window b/c he needed to reach something on our porch roof, which is right below it. He never put it back. After it sat in her room for a year, I brought it into the basement last summer where it’s been ever since. I’ll remind him about it every few months, but he hasn’t put it back in and I’m too short to do it myself.
Then, last summer, the built-in smoke detector in her room fell out of the ceiling. It’s been dangling by a wire ever since. I can’t reach it to fix it. My husband stuck duct tape on it at one point, which only held it in place for a day. He hasn’t tried to find a more permanent solution.
I know these are little, petty things, but they get me so angry because it’s as if he doesn’t take my feelings into consideration. It’s not like I ask him to do a lot.
Then my resent builds and builds and I struggle to be pleasant toward him. I’m not sure what the solution is other than praying for God to give me peace and to help me not worry and agonize when things are out of place.
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Lisa,
My husband takes a long time on projects, too. I used to get upset about that. REALLY upset.
Now – I look at the unity of our marriage and the intimacy of our marriage as a much greater priority than the little projects around the house. And when I watch the news and see how a house can be completely swept away or destroyed by a tornado, lightning, flood or fire – it is a reminder to me that the little details in the house aren’t really that important.
Is it worth it for me to get really upset about a little issue that is not important to God?
My goal now is to try to focus on the things that God considers to be important when I am standing before Him one day.
Will He judge my husband for taking a few years to redo the columns on the front porch? Probably not.
Will He judge my husband for having a messy garage? Nope.
Is it a sin that it took my husband 4 years to put shelves in the closets upstairs? No. He was remodeling the whole house during that time, building a new kitchen where there used to be an office, raising the ceiling, cutting holes in walls, tearing out the old den for a new master bathroom, tearing out the old kitchen for a homework room. And he did take some time during those years to relax a bit and watch football sometimes. That is ok.
Will He judge my husband for taking almost a year to complete a project in the front hall? No.
Many times, the reason my husband takes so long is that he decides to spend time with his children and me instead. Or he is being considerate of the fact that our 5 year old had to go to bed at 7pm, and he didn’t want to make a bunch of noise when she was trying to go to sleep.
But then I have to look at my responses:
– Is it a sin when I resent my husband? Yes.
– Is it a sin for me to hold bitterness against my husband? Yes.
– Does God care if I disrespect my husband or talk to him in a condescending way? Yes.
– Does God care if I refuse to forgive my husband? Yes! He won’t forgive me until I forgive my husband.
Looking at things from this perspective helps me to keep my priorities straight.
Now, I thank my husband when he does work on projects. And I thank him when he spends time with us. I am unphased when the projects are not done or things are messy now. I have the patience to wait as long as it takes.
Every once in a while, I might mention something very politely and respectfully to my husband. But then I accept his response or lack of response and trust that he will get things done eventually. His priorities may be different from mine. That is not a big deal.
If I ask, and he says no, I am not going to try to force him. I will graciously accept his answer and wait.
Some issues are more important – but my husband handles the really important and urgent issues very quickly. So he has things under control and there is no need for me to nag him or get upset. 🙂
I hope that might be helpful! 🙂
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Thanks for putting things in perspective April. It’s very helpful.
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This article upset me. I am a Christian woman, but I do not believe that women should submit to men. I understand that it’s in the bible, but it was more a product of the time, a cultural inclusion that slipped its way into the bible, much like slavery. I don’t believe the bible is inerrant.
As Christians, men and women should both die to their own selfish interests daily. However, with this mentality, it raises a man’s ego to believe that he is always right. How does that help his humility? Women can be just as wise as men. Every family does not need to be a cookie-cutter of the same mold. Women can have better leadership or decision-making skills, and it is hindering women’s self-image to argue that we all need submit. Men are not God. They are humans, just as we are. We both need to submit to God, with equal humility. I believe that this mentality halts girls from thinking they can ever lead or that their decisions are valid. Nope– men and women should be equal.
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Shannon,
Thank you for your comments!
I lived the mentality that you are describing for the first 14.5 years of our marriage. You can check out my “about” page. It did NOT WORK well at all!
I do believe the Bible is inerrant. And it was only after I embraced God’s Word fully, and His design for marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3, Titus 2:2-5, I Peter 3:1-6 that I began for the first tim e in my life to experience the peace and joy of Christ.
Yes, all Christians are to fully submit themselves to Christ daily and die to self.
God is the one who established that the husband is the God-given leader – a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church – where the husband REPRESENTS Christ (he is most definitely NOT Christ) – and the wife represents the church.
This is the environment in which children learn to understand the loving, selfless, humble, leadership of Christ and the beautiful reverence and biblical submission of the church to Christ – by seeing a living picture of it in their parents’ marriage.
Thank you for sharing your feelings and your concerns.
If I ever say something that goes against God’s Word, I will certainly apologize for it. But I cannot apologize for God’s Word. God’s Word is power and it is Life.
We are all of equal value before God. But our roles are different. That does not mean anyone is “less than” anyone else.
True submission began in the Godhead. Christ submitted Himself to the Father. They are absolutely equal in deity and power. Christ submitted out of His position as Son and out of love.
Here is a post about biblical submission.\
Real biblical submission says to God, “Not my will, but Yours be done!”
That includes embracing all of God’s commands for us as believers.
I know that this concept is widely misunderstood in our culture even in the church today. But God’s ways bring freedom, peace and joy. I pray that you might seek Him about this. Much love to you!
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http://peacefulwife.com/2013/06/30/biblical-submission-does-not-the-husband-is-always-right/
I am praying for God’s greatest glory and power in your life, Shannon! Have a wonderful day. 🙂
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Hi Shannon,
Just my two cents as a christian woman. How can you believe the Bible if you feel it is not inerrant? The Bible is the Word and Jesus is the Word therefore if the Bible is errant, than Jesus is errant which would make God a liar. Think about this. It’s either true or not…period. I don’t mean to sound harsh to you but we have to believe the Bible is inerrant in order to trust God absolutely. We must conclude that God is able to provide us with a true and unadulterated Word so that we can know truth. Otherwise, He is not Sovereign and we believe in an impotent god. With that being said…the Bible is clear on submission and our roles as a wife. If you look over the scriptures that peaceful wife provided you will see that references are made to the creation order and not the culture of the day. This is a BIG clue for us as Christians and how we are to live in harmony with one another. The culture will always change but the Word of God will last forever.
Hope this helps you.
Blessings,
Karen
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Here are some other posts that may be helpful…
A Real Life Example of Biblical Submission and Respect
A Wife’s Faith and an Old Truck
The world believes women give up power if we honor our husband’s leadership, but the truth is that obedience to God is a key to unlocking the power of God in our lives and marriages. This is not oppression – it is true power – a holy kind of power. Then we become God’s Spirit-filled partners to greatly bless our husbands and children and we get to live the most exciting adventure of a lifetime!
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Hi, I just wanted to say that it does seem at first like we shouldnt ‘submit’ to our husbands and let them be right all the time, but it isnt really like that…i have read quite a few pages so far on your site and i do get it…i am just being nicer, letting things go and giving my husband respect and generally making life a little easier for him, and guess what…we havent argued for ages! and ive wanted to do is get along with my husband and not be so anxious. Ive started going to church again and I feel so much happier all round! If my husband upsets me or says something that isnt very nice, i will try hard (and it is hard!) to wait and see if still bothers me in a day or two, if it does, I will speak to him calmly or send him a short email about it, rather than being moody and shouting or ignoring him as that just makes it worse.
I am telling all my close friends, all but one are non-christians, and they are sort of seeing my point…its hard to mention God or Jesus or the Bible as they didnt know i was a Christian…but i casually say that its ‘religious’ and then tell them about your site… then it is up to them to check out your site…but most friends react saying that they didnt want to take all the blame and let their man be right about everything. I suggest reading and reading all your posts and realising that its easier than you think and that the changes are slow but real, and i have definitely had to be the person to act differently first and my husband has definitely responded positively, its also a gradual process trusting each other to behave and act different as we are in such a habit of disagreeing and trying to be in control, i find it easier to ‘let go’ and now all i want to do it respect my husband and do it for God.
Thanks April…i could go on, but you need to know how much you have helped me and that i am trying to tell others…!
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Julia,
Thanks for the comment!
Let me clarify for all the ladies… When we choose to honor our husbands’ leadership, that does NOT mean they are always right. It is a similar thing to having a king and an advisor. The advisor needs to give his perspective and opinions to the king, so the king can make the best decision. It is ultimately the king’s responsibility to make the best choice. But that does not mean the king is perfect or always right.
With husbands and wives, it is interesting how God can work in our husbands hearts if we step out of the way. It is GOOD to say how you feel and what you want, but we can say these things in a respectful, pleasant way.
Quite honestly, I and many other wives actually get what they want MORE often when they respect their husbands for the good that is in them and cooperate with the husband’s leadership – and as they share their feelings and needs and desires in a non-blaming, uncritical, non-pressured kind of way.
If my husband is not asking me to sin, I share my heart with him. If he sees no problem with my request, he almost always does what I would like. THAT DID NOT HAPPEN BEFORE!!!! He helps now with laundry and the kids… That did not happen before. He is a much more involved and plugged in husband and father and is no longer passive. I have tons of weight and pressure off my shoulders. My husband loves to make me happy. He is able to care a lot more about my feelings and desires now that he feels appreciated and respected. So it is a win/win.
If we don’t agree, which is rare… My husband takes my feelings into account and then does what he believes is right before God. And I cooperate, knowing he answers to God for these decisions, not me.
Then I trust God’s sovereignty to work things out for His glory and my ultimate good.
I am glad you are seeing such a difference in your marriage!
With love
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The interesting thing is that, usually, when men begin to see their wives trust them and have faith in them – men respond by stepping up and making better decisions (this is a process and it takes many months or years… our motivation must be to please Christ, not to change our husbands! God will handle the results and the timing). They need to feel all that weight of accountability on their shoulders – and that actually drives them to seek Christ more and to honor Him more. They don’t want to fail us or disappoint us when we have that beautiful trust in them. A man is wired by God so that he responds to admiration and respect by serving those who respect him.
This way, we become God’s partners in helping God to develop more godly, responsible, strong, humble men. AND – WE get to become the women we have always wanted to be! No longer nagging, criticizing, scolding, complaining, arguing, being negative – but using our words to affirm, encourage, bless and build up our husbands.
Check out how my respect and biblical submission affected my husband and created in him a desire to be the best man he could be in Christ… “When She Surrendered”
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I want to be sure women know – MANY, maybe even MOST women – when they first read about respect and biblical submission, especially in our culture today – get REALLY ANGRY. That is a pretty normal reaction.
In fact, I love Nina Roesner’s story – the author of The Respect Dare. It actually took her 10 years to feel like she had a handle on these two concepts. She resisted God and His Word for a long time. She definitely felt angry about these ideas, too.
It takes time and God’s Spirit working and a lot of prayer and willingness to ask God to speak to us and give us receptive hearts.
When I think about God’s Word and His commands to us. Everything He commands us is backwards from the world’s wisdom.
– Forgiving people who sin against us.
– Being humble instead of arrogant and prideful.
– Loving our enemies.
– Repaying evil with good and not taking revenge.
– Giving generously to the poor and not seeking wealth and financial gain for ourselves.
– Dying to self.
– Becoming a servant to be the “greatest” in Christ’s kingdom.
– Accepting the gift of Jesus’ death on the cross and not being able to “earn” God’s love, acceptance and approval.
– Turning the other cheek when someone hits us.
– Going the extra mile when we were forced to go the first mile.
– Seeking treasure in heaven not on earth.
God’s ways are truly not our ways. His wisdom is infinitely higher than ours. 🙂
Each woman has her own pace and her own obstacles to overcome. This stuff is totally counter-intuitive, counter-culture and very NON politically correct.
Much love to each of you!
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Hi, it was good to read all these comments. My husband and I are both Christians. He is an OCD person, worried about germs and cleanliness. keeps on putting rules around the house. I did what he wanted for many years and showed that I hated it (kept on arguing about it) now it’s getting worse. He keeps on adding “things to do” on the list. I need your advice. I know as a Christian I should be submissive but It’s really hard and he refuses to see any specialist. I also have kids and I ‘m really worried about them..
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Mia,
OCD does make things a lot more difficult – especially if it is untreated.
I wonder if you could ask him to give you his 3 top priorities that you could focus on doing for him cheerfully?
There may also be books for spouses about this situation. I know there is a book for spouses of people with ADD called “Married to Distraction” with some really practical ideas.
Have you ever apologized for your disrespect?
Have you told him you want to be on his team and to support him to the best of your ability?
What are the things he asks you to do? 🙂
Much love to you!
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I agree with this article, but I’d like to add that God does condemn laziness and slothfulness in His Word. There are many verses particularly in the book of Proverbs about laziness and its consequences. It is not a little thing and it’s not pleasing to God. Keeping one’s word, being good stewards and taking care of the things God has blessed us with, being diligent, etc are all things that the Bible instructs us to do.
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Zorayda Rivera,
Yes, I agree that Scripture does address all of these issues. And it would be awesome if our husbands were always on top of these things and perfect. But we can’t change our husbands. We can ask for what we would like. We can share our concerns. We can pray for them. We can offer to help them. But I need to be careful that in my attempt to address sin or issues in my husband’s life that I don’t sin myself. I can confront him about sin in his life – if I do it God’s way. I am responsible for myself, my sin, and my obedience to God. My husband will answer for his sin and his obedience. The way I handled the issue with my husband did not honor God or my husband in this particular situation. 😦
Here is a more recent post that might be interesting – The Dirty Garage Epiphany.
Much love to you!
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