“I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband” (in the wrong ways)

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I am not an expert, a counselor, a psychologist, a theologian or a pastor. I am just an ordinary Christian wife. My posts and my blog may be helpful for you – they may not be.  I share ideas and suggestions – they are not rules and they are not guarantees.  Ultimately, each wife must prayerfully decide what she believes God wants her to do to obey Him, to seek His wisdom in the Bible and to honor Him in her unique situation. God has wisdom. I do not. I write specifically for wives who tend to be controlling and dominating. Wives who tend to be more quiet and have dominating husbands may find that my blog is not a good fit for them. If your husband is abusing you, please seek godly, experienced, wise counsel ASAP! Please be safe! My blog is not written for wives who are abused.

Today’s post is from a Fellow Wife who is determined to stop demanding things from her husband and to learn to give him space and allow him to make his own choices without trying to make him choose to give her attention, affection, phone calls, emails, texts, etc… We are NOT talking about giving him the cold shoulder, resenting him, giving up on the marriage, giving up on loving and respecting our husbands here. This is about stopping ourselves from attempting to force our husbands to give us the attention, love and affection we want. It is about stopping trying to control our husbands in an unhealthy way. I am not saying “don’t ever say what you need or want.” I also invite you to check out her follow up in September, 2014 to see what a difference God has made in this wife’s life and in her marriage! It is VERY MUCH worth your time!

It is important to say what you need and want – you can check out yesterday’s post about that. But we might only say what we want once – not 200 times. And this is about being able to graciously accept the times when our husband cannot or will not meet our needs – and how we can find strength in Christ and depend on Him and find total acceptance, love, purpose, peace, joy, strength and our identity in Him alone.
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In my ever analytical, think on paper mind, I have made up some goals going forward with my husband…. I want to share them and ask if you have any to add or any suggestions?
What I really mean I am going to do (a concrete plan of action) when I say I have quit trying to force him to show me his feelings for me…
GOALS/PLAN–(In no particular order)–:
  • Stop calling him so often. (Limit calls to when issues are immediate/letting him know about the kids & I after dr appts)
  • Stop asking him every day after work, “So, did you think of me today while you were at work?”
  • Allow him the time and space to be affectionate and sexual.
  • Tell him when I would like to go out and leave it open for him to take it from there/respond in his own way.
  • Give him more time and space overall… pulling back a bit can draw him to me. (Men respond to distance, not words). Allow my distance to speak rather than my words.
  • Remember that it is not healthy for me to pursue him for either me or our marriage. Remember it should be him pursuing me. Give him that chance.
  • Not talk about this subject with him anymore unless he asks me questions or brings it up. I said I was done so be done. When I feel hurt or overwhelmed, choose to pray about it instead and ask God to work on him, me & our marriage.
  • Stop fishing or hinting for compliments.
  • Not expect my husband to be Christ to me – to see disappointment in him as a flag that I may have my husband as an idol.
  • Allow him to CHOOSE to be with me or not when the kids and I cannot attend church events or family functions due to illnesses. Let go of this and do not try to demand for him to stay with us.
  • Stop trying to prove to his family how much he loves me & stop trying to push him into showing it. This only makes me look insecure. Instead, give him the space to show it and it will mean MUCH more when he does. They will get the point MUCH better that way.
  • Continue to try to meet his needs, be a respectful wife and be grateful for any effort I see.
  • Realize and remember that anything his family does has more to do with them than me. That speaks of THEIR personal problems and issues and is not my problem.
  • Remember that no matter how his family acts, they cannot and will not change the fact that he deeply loves me.
I realize that I will fall short at times but having a list of GOALS that I am working toward is helpful to me… I know I am so type A, but this is how I function best.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
Here are some of my thoughts for whatever they are worth…
This is a REALLY important part of dying to self. It is PAINFUL!!!!!! It feels like you will never get what you want and need from your husband if you can’t constantly tell him what you want and need.

But verbal pressure does not usually motivate men!

If I am frequently insisting on my husband sending me emails/texts/messages, calling me, giving me affection, giving me attention, having intimacy with me physically – I put him in a lose/lose situation.
His two choices are:
1. Disrespect himself by “submitting” to me.
2. Refuse to do what I demand, look like a “jerk” and risk my unhappiness.
A man will usually see that even if he did what his wife insists that he do this time, she will not be satisfied for long. After awhile, he gives up trying to make his wife happy. It seems completely impossible. She seems to be a black hole of insatiable needs. (This is true especially when a wife has her husband as an idol and expects him to be responsible for her joy, happiness, contentment, emotions and purpose in life instead of depending on Christ for those things.)
Something in a man just won’t allow him to be told what to do. He is going to resist submitting to his wife. God designed the husband to be the leader and the wife to honor the husband’s leadership and submit to him. Not the other way around.
Also, he knows that if he does what she wants, just because she told him to, his actions are meaningless. A man wants to do loving things for his wife because he wants to do them, not because she kept telling him to do them.
  • It is not that a husband in this position doesn’t care about his wife or love her. The issue is that he needs some space to breathe and he needs less pressure so that he can do what he believes is best on his own.

I have heard it said, “The only thing worse than a man you can’t control, is a man you can control.”

Now, I am actually really thankful my husband wouldn’t bend to my demands earlier in our marriage. He has a backbone and convictions. Those are good things for a leader to have – to refuse to cave when he doesn’t believe something is right.
THIS IS WHERE A WIFE MUST FACE HER DEEPEST FEARS:
  • What if he really doesn’t love me and never talks to me, touches me, emails me or even stays in the same room with me again?
  • If I don’t constantly tell him what I need and want, how will he know what I want?
  • He doesn’t really care about making me happy at all – now my backing away is just going to prove how unloving he is.
  • I have to give up on my dream marriage if I don’t try to make it work right. I may lose everything that matters to me if I stop trying to control things.

GOOD NEWS:

What most wives don’t realize is – when they take their emotional hands off of their husbands’ emotional throats – and they calm down and just wait – THAT is pretty attractive to most husbands. A calm, gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear attracts God and husbands.

No, there is no guarantee that your husband will be more loving if you stop trying to control him. But – if you continue to try to control him, I can guarantee you he won’t be more loving! God’s way works. He has wisdom that is infinitely higher than our own. 🙂 Men respond much better to respect and a joyful, cooperative attitude, than angry demands.

UNDERSTANDING A HUSBAND’S LOVE

Many wives do not realize that a husband’s love is usually pretty stable and constant. Unless he leaves, or is cheating or actively saying, “I don’t love you anymore,” most husbands’ love remains pretty constant day after day. Most husbands don’t understand why wives seem to need so much reassurance of their love. They believe they are showing love by providing for the family, being there, being faithful, doing things to help their wives and children. Words don’t always mean a lot to men. They often try to show their love through actions.

When I began to understand my husband’s concept of love, I was able to just rest in the knowledge of his love – even without constant words of affirmation and assurance. But also, I put my primary trust and faith in Jesus and rest in His love and peace – so I can be unshaken.

DYING TO SELF IS PAINFUL. TEARING OUT IDOLS IS PAINFUL.

This is a difficult part of the journey – where we must lay down all of our dreams, our wisdom, our plans, our desires, our marriage, our husbands, our future, our happiness… and lay it on the altar before Jesus. We must be willing to give up what we want so much – the things we have wanted more than we wanted Jesus. And it is time to seek His will, His wisdom, His plans, His desires, His priorities and hold everything loosely so that He can give and take whatever He sees is best.

Will we trust God? Or will we continue to trust self – which is idolatry?

It is a pivotal moment in our spiritual lives and our marriages.

Is God really big enough to meet my needs and take care of me if I trust Him? Is He sovereign enough?

These are questions we must each wrestle through on our own. I am glad to talk with you and encourage you and pray for you as you wrestle through these difficult issues and decide for yourself whether God is worthy of your trust, worship, adoration and total submission to His Lordship or not.

I promise – there is no peace apart from trusting Christ with ALL.

SHARE:
I’d love to hear from some wives who have been through this part of the journey and what they realized they needed to stop and what they started doing differently and what happened.
And I would love to hear from some husbands who might better be able to explain how unpalatable it is for a wife to demand attention and affection. I’d also love to hear what kinds of things a wife might do that would be endearing to her husband and that would draw him to her.
Thanks, y’all! 🙂
FOLLOW UP POSTS:
To see how A Fellow Wife is doing in August of 2015 – and what she wishes the new her could tell her old 2012 self, please click here.
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426 Comments on ““I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband” (in the wrong ways)”

  1. LearningToLean
    September 6, 2013 at 7:30 am #

    I can tell you from experience that stopping all pursuit of your husband and concentrating on your love and devotion to God is the right thing to do. Men do not respond to pressure. i don’t know your story up until now, but my story is one of a wonderful husband shutting down completely on me and I had absolutely NO idea why. I was totally devastated. To have him look me in the eyes and say he love me but didn’t have ANY feelings for me as far as the butterflies he had always gotten when he touched me, was the most pain I think I have ever felt. i just wanted to get in my car and drive to the end of the earth and jump off! He offered me no reason whatsoever…that was just how it was!

    I had to figure it all out by myself..well not by myself….me and the Lord! But first, I had to go through all the crying, asking what I had done or not done, getting up in the middle of the night and storming out of the house suit case in hand only to have him chase me down and tell me he didn’t want me to leave and didn’t know why I was in “such a hurry to end this thing” but yet wouldn’t talk to me, touch me, text me, NOTHING! We lived together like strangers for several months. I mentioned marriage counseling and he agreed quickly. We went to about 5 sessions. When the counselor asked what was going on with us, I told him I had no idea, to ask my husband because “he was the one with the problem, not me!”

    So…to bring you to where I am today; someone in his family mentioned to me that they were learning about the whole “respect” thing and how that is what men are wired to feel, not love etc. I immediately got online and found the book “Love and Respect” and went and bought it that day. I didn’t put it down. What I was seeing before my very eyes, was the control freak I had been for 20 years. So I started praying sincerely for God to show me what to do and not do. I remember crying so hard one night when he wasn’t home that I felt like my whole insides sort of “purged” if you will and I was so mentally and physically spent when I finished, I could hardly get up and walk. That was the beginning of the Lord actually revealing to me all the times I had disrespected my husband…He is still revealing things to me almost daily..hindsight is truly 20/20.

    You must do those things in your lists. Whatever you do, don’t call him or text him. It’s like the comical made up country song title “How can I miss you if you won’t go away!

    Over the last couple of months, I have just spent my time praying, listening to gospel music, and praising God for bringing me down about 150 pegs to get my attention. He has a way of doing that. I have repented to my hubby for my years of disrespect and also to God for my disobedience to Him in many ways all of these years. I don’t start conversation with my husband at all. I’m quiet. He has started talking to me, quite a bit actually. I listen and am interested…not looking at my phone or laptop and nodding like I used to…not really listening. This has made a huge difference.

    I don’t just “act” happy, but I am happy…in the Lord…so that is making a difference because I’m not “debbie downer” around him so there is no pressure.

    I have tried pursuing him a little intimately, which I can tell he doesn’t want…that is me trying to control again, so no more of that either!!

    Just pray turn it all over to God, be willing to listen and learn from this experience. Be there for him when he is ready to talk…and listen…it will make a difference. You have to come to a point where you don’t get hurt when he feels unloving, because God has to replace that happiness within you…totally and completely. And don’t have expectations…like don’t think I didn’t call him all day and it didn’t make a difference yet…be patient..willing to wait days, months, years…whatever it takes and know that when your quiet, he can hear God’s voice much better to work in his heart!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 7:36 am #

      Thank you for sharing this, LTL! I wonder if you might allow me to use it as a post? 🙂 This is GREAT STUFF!

      Like

      • Catherine
        March 19, 2014 at 11:11 pm #

        For my case, I stopped pursuing him and he grew further distant. I do text him if I am going to be working late or for some other schedule change. We are now merely roommates. He makes no effort to spend time with me or our son. When we invite him to do things, he behaves like a bear with a sore head. He barely talks to me. He has not wanted intimacy from me in years. I miss my husband, but when I have tried to talk with him about my concerns he says that this is my problem and I have to sort it out myself. I don’t remember the last compliment he has given me other than for cooking and even that is a mixed bag. I worry about his mental health and have suggested counseling. We try to support him emotionally, lift him up, respect him, but I have failed to be the wife he wanted. As I grow more depressed about this situation, the more distant I grow. My son and I love him so much and are so sad. It feels like he is just living in the house and just has not found the time to do something else.

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          March 20, 2014 at 8:47 am #

          Catherine,

          Do you have a godly mentoring wife or Christian woman counselor you can talk with? When did all of this start? What is his relationship with Christ? Was he ever abused, is there an addiction going on? What was his parents’ marriage like? Have there been job stresses on him lately?

          What does he say he needs or wants?

          How I wish I could hug your neck and pray with you!!!!!

          Much love,
          April

          Like

          • Deanna
            July 16, 2015 at 3:34 pm #

            I’m afraid I’m in the same situation as Catherine. The more I give him space the more he is happy with it. He says he does not “need” it like I do. So sad and hard to live with.

            Like

      • Lynn
        April 9, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

        After doing some research on how to improve my marriage I found your article and it really helped to get my mind straight on what I have been doing wrong in my marriage and what I need to do on my end to make things better. I have just found a new church to go to and have been praying on this that it will be made right.
        A little background. This is a second marriage for us both. A little over a year into this marriage and he is spitting out complaints at light speed. I know I cannot fix what bothers him or what his issues are only pray that he will be able to fix himself. As for my part I’ve had jealousy issues and hold my husband as my idol expecting him to be responsible for my happiness. After reading your post I have realized that I need to fix some things here. I need to stop pursuing my husband and give him some time to breathe.
        In my heart I’m still worried that he may not try to fix his issues, one of which is gambling online at the horses. He says this is the most important thing in his life and he needs to succeed at it. He also needs time alone to do it. There are so many things that feed into our situation. I guess I have a lot of fear he won’t want to stay feeling the horses are more important than anything we have here. He has also told me he doesn’t like being married at times or like having a house. It’s not often but still hurtful. How do I get past the fear?
        Thank you for your wonderful article!
        L

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          April 9, 2014 at 6:38 pm #

          Lynn,

          It is a pleasure to meet you! 🙂

          May I ask a few questions, please?

          Is your husband addicted to gambling?
          How much is he gambling?
          Why does he need to be alone to do it?
          How long has this been going on?
          How much money has he lost?
          Does he have any mental health disorders?
          Is there any other addiction going on or infidelity or anything else major going on?

          Much love to you!
          April

          Like

          • Lynn
            April 9, 2014 at 7:35 pm #

            He has been gambling for over 20 yrs. He does go to work every day and doesn’t over spend on it but I still feel it is an addiction. He needs time alone to watch horse races and what he wants to bet. If he has people bothering him and talking to him it takes time away from him trying to succeed at his main goal in life – which is to make money gambling horses so he doesn’t have to have a regular job. I don’t know that he has any mental health disorders. No there is no infidelity on either of our parts. I do believe that we love each other very much but he was single for a long time after his 1st wife had an affair on him and I feel that he is having trouble getting adjusted to this marriage. He wants nothing to do with our new house we just built as far as any work he seems disconnected almost. That being said we do have good times together and do stuff we enjoy and he is a nice guy but his words are very painful to me when he says the things he does like not liking being married some times and not wanting anything to do with the house etc.

            Like

            • peacefulwife
              April 10, 2014 at 7:52 am #

              Lynn,

              What is your relationship with Christ?

              What is his relationship with Christ?

              I assume you knew that he gambled like this when you married him?

              What does he say he desires in the marriage?

              What do you believe you need?

              Much love!
              April

              Like

      • Laila
        May 24, 2014 at 4:35 am #

        Hi. I read ur experience. N impresessd me . I would need ur help.I m Muslim girl n doctor. I must say. Its been 3 months I noticed change in behaviour of my hubby. He ddn call me. So I got him on viber and started texting to him ,he replied. I was happy . But now he is completely off for a month. N says viber z not working. I also hadnt contacted him in dat time of his ignorance. What ur msg touched me z God. M praying day and night. I used to cry a lot in nights on my bad luck
        .I loves my hubby v much. N not able to afford his ignorance. U help.me. he also has another woman in his life. In start he had claimed dat ev thing would b OK as he is dere for me. Vat hppnd to him now? Its been only two months. But m feeling I hv lost him
        .u please tell me what to do? I would b thankful.

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          May 24, 2014 at 6:48 am #

          Laila,

          I am not sure what exactly you need to do. He is with another woman and hasn’t contacted you any more? 😦 What a painful situation. 😦

          The only hope any of us have that I can offer to you is Christ. He is able to heal your heart and bring you the joy and peace you need. He may even heal your marriage. But that is not a guarantee. He is God (the One and only God) who put on a human body, lived a perfect life that you and I couldn’t live and took the wrath of God on Himself for our sins. He offers you forgiveness and grace so you can be completely right with God. And when you receive Him, God counts it as you were crucified and buried with Him – the old sinful you. And then He gives you a new heart and a new life. You can know Him closely and be in an amazing relationship with Him here and then in heaven you can be with Him forever. Jesus is the ultimate Bridegroom who never leaves or forsakes those who put their trust and faith in Him. He came to give you abundant life – His love, joy, peace, patience, faithfulness, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control.

          I am praying for you!

          Like

      • funlovingwife
        November 26, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

        I have read this and I know I have a destructive dynamic in my marriage. Everything was fine until 6 months ago. I had accepted my hubby wasn’t affectionate until I came across a somewhat intimate convo with his old childhood friend. Nothing sexual but it made me realize he did have it in him. He was never that sweet to me. I dont trust him anymore because later he started sneaking to talk to her and lied about it to my face. Now I demand his attention feeling like he is only here because of the kids. Wanting something, anything, a response from him on an intimate level. He thinks I am a complete nag now and I dont like how Ive become either. It bothers me to have doubts, I was always secure with him, with myself. I wonder if his heart is somewhere else, it feels like it. We do have sex but no intimate emotional connection whatsoever

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          November 27, 2014 at 11:27 am #

          funlovingwife,

          Goodness, that is a painful situation. 😦

          Is he still in contact with this woman?

          How is your relationship with Christ?

          What is it that you want your marriage to be like?

          I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page, particularly about disrespect and respect. And, I invite you to check out the post from earlier this week, “When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done.” (and the comments on that post). If you want your husband to be drawn to you – there are certain things that draw men that you will need to do. And if you don’t want to repel him, there are certain things you will need to avoid. You have a lot of power to bless and bring healing to your marriage, especially when you allow God to work in and through you and you are willing to do things His way!

          Much love to you!

          Like

    • Jen
      September 6, 2013 at 10:32 am #

      THANK YOU! THANK YOU! You have no idea how much it helps to read that there is hope, it is very HARD to be patient. Thank you.

      Like

      • Raina
        May 4, 2014 at 5:50 am #

        I have been married for last thre years the day I got married and I placed my toiletries he threw them cause he is an alcholic then every day some demand in a bossi way always came from his side one day financially they r sound so that time being new in house I didn’t spend much but taunts from family members and husband for my family were on anywaz I get know after 3 months that I am pregnent to be honest I was so unsure about him that didn’t wanted the baby but his condition was if u don’t do the baby I will leave u anywaz I did during pregnency we shifted our house so pressure from in laws was less but his alcohol increased he use to abuse so I use to revert back too and then eventually it go worse when it became public abusing then his pet line used to give the baby and go

        Like

        • Raina
          May 4, 2014 at 6:06 am #

          Then it became worse when it became physical I went toy parents house a couple of times but he did not bother to get me during this period the only attachment he had was with ashrika he them he was traveling once for about 8 days I got no call thinking and thinking I got mad punished myself by not eating had a brain seizure was in the hospital for 5 days then I am prescribed with life medication for this symptom any ways he thought that I just do all this because I don’t work so started going to office so one day he comments take my 2 emplyoees dick in the mouth then always abusing my parents we were off to china on the airport he started abusing before he could say I started shouting on the oft voice he bloody told his mom from that to today he shares each thing I tell him so I don’t share I don’t demand some time back I asked for some extra money he told his mom that she is crazy about money cause she has never seen which is so not true but the most important thing is last 11 days he was out a man who never ever let’s anybody or himself loose his phone lost his phone then calls a friend asks for a new car I and hasn’t touched me for 2months when ever I ask him he says I am tired comes late from work eats and sleep doesnot talk a common friend told me that this man was once talking loose in public to his friends and asking for girls his call history are deleted so r his messages he hardly talks to me if I enter his room he say I have head ache plz go forcing him if I have sex he does if and which I got after months today he says u got what u wanted Naah what does this mean my male friends come over he has no concern why am I living such a life give me a solution plz

          Like

        • peacefulwife
          May 4, 2014 at 2:05 pm #

          Raina,
          It is great to meet you!

          I am so sorry things are so painful. You have some very deep and serious issues here, and I believe you will need experienced help either somewhere like the Salvation Army or Al-Anon and maybe a godly pastor or Christian counselor. Please be extremely cautious who you go to for advice.

          What is your relationship with Christ?

          What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

          Much love to you!

          Like

          • Raina
            May 4, 2014 at 3:47 pm #

            He does not believe in Christ he believes there is some power or almighty to whom he prays and thanx but does not go to Christ

            Like

            • peacefulwife
              May 4, 2014 at 4:14 pm #

              Raina,

              Thank you, that is very helpful for me to know.
              And what is your relationship with Christ, please? 🙂

              Like

        • Liyah
          November 21, 2015 at 10:43 am #

          Raina are you Catholic Chaldean? If so have you spoken to the priest? It is not okay for him to put his hands on you. It sounds like your parents are supportive. I’m praying for you too & you need help and resources along with a safe exit plan. Meaning you can not be emotional or let him or his family know what your plans are. If he can change only God can do it. It won’t come by your hand. After your safe the advice in this blog is excellent 🙏🏼.

          Like

    • dear one
      September 6, 2013 at 11:55 am #

      Well I stopped pursuing my husband of 10years and he left in 2006, going back and forth to his country and back to mine. After 6years, he decided to stop giving me his addresses each time he moved and now tells me he`s not married to me and that i should go pull the trigger and kill myself . We are still married but he tells me he`s taken by his pornography women and to move on with my life. i`m so very angry at his behavior an d verbal and emotional abuse and am a devout christian-jew and love God. When I met my husband he went to church with me, listened to charles Stanley with me on sundays and said he believed in God`s way. 6 months into our relationship he was smoking crack, then switched to steriods while going to the gym and works long hours in construction while making over 200k per year and doesnt give me a cent. So, i have to disaggree with the “stop pursuing him issue here.” thanks

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        September 6, 2013 at 12:12 pm #

        Dear one,

        I am so very sorry to hear about your heartbreaking situation! 😦

        When there are drug addictions and major pornography addictions, a wife may need some outside help and support from a godly pastor and his wife, a Christian counselor, Celebrate Recovery, etc.

        These kind of severe situations go beyond the scope of my ability to address in a general blog post about marriage.

        I do greatly appreciate your willingness to share. How can we pray for you today?

        Like

      • dear one
        September 6, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

        thanks, Pray for wisedom for me please. I have gone to celebrate recovery for 2 years . Naranon for 7 years, alanon for 10years and I`ve had battered womens counseling in 2005 for 8mo and still have a very difficult time letting go . I was married once before 30years ago and i do not want another divorce as it rips the soul apart.

        Like

        • Catherine
          March 19, 2014 at 11:16 pm #

          “Dear One”

          My husband and I were married before. The thought of going through divorce again makes me cringe. What I failed to mention in my comment above is that my husband is an alcoholic. You rip your soul apart no matter what direction you take. Stay alive…no matter what.

          Like

          • peacefulwife
            March 20, 2014 at 8:49 am #

            Catherine,

            Oh! Ok, that makes more sense. 😦 Is he going to AA or are you going to Al-Anon? Would he be willing to go to the Salvation Army? They have an amazing way of helping people who are struggling with alcohol or drugs. I know a man who may be willing to talk with him who has been through that himself and is now living for Christ.

            Praying for God’s wisdom and power for you and for God’s healing for your husband and your marriage!

            Like

      • dear one
        September 6, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

        thank you

        Like

    • Me
      January 17, 2014 at 11:00 pm #

      That is so beautifully written and deeply inspirational thank you xx

      Like

    • priyanka
      March 1, 2014 at 2:28 pm #

      Thanks so much

      Like

    • PamW
      March 20, 2014 at 12:46 pm #

      I have been married to the same man for 38 years. We were very young; I was 20 and he was 19 when we married so we have been together through just about all of our adult lives.
      It has not been easy!
      My husband is a very self-contained, nonverbal type and I am the opposite. I spent the first 12 years of our marriage doing just about anything and everything to try to get my needs met through our relationship, and failing. It was scary.
      When I got saved all of a sudden I was no longer looking to our relationship but to my relationship with Christ and then things began to turn around for us.
      I’ve been saved 25 years now and is my marriage a bed of roses and happy ever after? No, its still tough. But it’s also good, very good thanks to God.
      I still struggle because of our differences, like our widely differing needs for affection and involvement. If I am just in the house, that is usually enough for him. He hates it if I choose to go out when he is home from work. His disengaged attitude can send me into a slow burn because I want conversation, affection and at times companionship, so I am not comfortable with his level of noninvolvement.
      We are both getting pretty good at cutting the other slack. I am still having to choose to accept him as he is and love him as he is and be grateful to God for him as he is, instead of wishing things were different.
      Here’s the funny thing: when I am closest to God and at peace, this acceptance thing gets so much easier and so much more sincere.
      Ladies, if you want to have a wonderful marriage, focus on your own relationship with God. Spend time with Him and be sure you are doing some listening not just talking. Take what He says to you seriously and apply it.
      Your love life will blossom.

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        March 20, 2014 at 1:19 pm #

        PamW,

        Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your godly advice and your story! I LOVE IT!!!!!!

        Like

      • Kelly
        October 14, 2014 at 9:48 am #

        Or you can choose to be alone! The loneliest place on earth is right beside someone who makes you feel unloved & puts their needs & wants above that of their spouses, always. Does God do this? No he does not! He is always thinking of what is best for his children.

        Like

    • chanti
      May 21, 2014 at 10:51 am #

      Hi Ladies , im starting tonight .

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        May 21, 2014 at 7:31 pm #

        Chanti,

        WOOHOO! Welcome! I can’t wait to see what God is going to do in your life. 🙂

        Like

    • Jill
      May 21, 2014 at 11:01 pm #

      This was exactly what I needed to hear today! I’ve just said that I must be the craziest woman on earth for pursuing her husband the way I am after 21 years of marriage. To hear him say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” has been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. After almost a year of trying everything I could think of (we tried counseling but he refuses to go after 2 visits), I was almost ready to just give up. My faith has definitely been tested because this is the first thing in my 45 years of life that I’ve had to sit back and let God be in total control of. I’ve failed miserably at that, for the most part, because I’m a “fixer” and keep trying to fix this myself. I am going to try your suggestion to stop pursuing him and see where it takes us. I’m afraid things will get worse if I don’t initiate contact or conversation between us, but I’m willing to try this approach. Thanks so much for this post! Say a prayer for us.

      Like

    • Renee
      May 29, 2014 at 8:18 pm #

      I would love to know how everything is going for you, “learning to Lean.” I have begun this new journey beginning this past Feb….so only about 4 months into a new way of relating to hubby…

      Like

    • Debbie
      October 2, 2015 at 9:00 pm #

      I so need this advice. I am married to an unbeliever of 33 years. He puts me down and calls it humor. He ignores my need for compliments, validation for my feelings, affection both affectionately and intimately. I have hurt him deeply in the first year of our marriage with infidelity, before I was a Christian. It has been a long haul. I appreciate this support, because I feel as if I am dying .

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        October 3, 2015 at 1:11 pm #

        Debbie,

        Would you be interested in talking about what God may empower you to do in this situation to move yourself toward healing? I’d love to talk some more with you!

        How is your walk with Christ going?

        Much love to you! I would be glad to walk beside you on this journey!

        Like

    • Donna sizemore
      January 17, 2016 at 10:46 pm #

      I understand exactly what you are saying.. however how am I to deal with a husband who never sees anything I do good. He is always saying things like i have to be in control which is so wrong. I am a very get it done kinda woman. Thats what people admire about me the most. If the sink needs unstopt i do it. If the washing machine needs fixed i call a repair man. My husband gets offended bc he says i take over! But if i didn’t jump in there it would never be done!

      I don’t do it to be vindictive or any reason other than good. But he looks at it as being in control, not letting him be the head or the boss. But really?? Do i just set back and be this little passive wife. I do not want to fake who i am. We are christians, this is our 2nd marriage for each of us and our 10th year with each other. Its not working. I am critisized for anything I do. I wasn’t born yday and can plainly see this man does not love me.. he can’t and constantly push my buttons and be so critical.

      I am 61 and want the rest of my life to be peaceful.. please help!!! And i have just been reading some comments all the way back to 2013. Im sorry..but what i have read its all about the WOMAN changing. I disagree! These husbands are trying to control us. That is not bibical. We become one when we marry. Granted we should not have to call text or pursue in any way to get their attention. Wake up and smell the coffee ladies. They are self centered and want it to be all about them!

      Why is the advice given to us that we are the ones that are wrong. Keep your dignity, hold your head up, and get on with your life. I will never beg anyone for their love. Be it husband,child,mother,father, or friend. If they love you they do …if they have fallen out of love with you its their loss. It hurts very badly but you can’t make anyone love you even if you try everything.. and if exchanging that love for the love of God to love you,hold you, understand you, then why be married??

      i love the Lord and prayed constantly for my first husband and now my second. Maybe it’s not His will that I be married at all bc i am 61 and never ever been loved like God intended for a man and woman. I have given up and probably soon will be single bc I’m hot taking the abuse any longer.. i can find peace with myself.

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        January 17, 2016 at 11:06 pm #

        Donna Sizemore,

        It is a pleasure to meet you, my sister! 🙂

        I used to think very much like you do – that if I didn’t take over, nothing would get done. I was also very stressed, worried, afraid, lonely, bitter, resentful, and a bunch of other yucky things, too. Turns out, my particular husband was willing to take care of things, but his pace was a bit slower than mine. He doesn’t make decisions in 10 seconds like I do. Sometimes he thinks about things for a bit. But he does a great job handling problems and taking care of things now that I give him some time. I don’t know your husband at all – I have no idea if that would be the case for him, as well. But, perhaps he would like to be more involved with things and taking care of issues because maybe that is part of how he wants to show his love for you?

        Thankfully, the kind of wives God asks us to be is not passive or controlling. It is this beautiful place in the middle where we are assertive, we speak our needs, feelings, and concerns. We share our wisdom and ideas. We contribute all of ourselves to the marriage. We have equal value to our husbands. But we can also show honor and respect to our husbands and we know when to wait and pray silently. There is a delicate balance.

        I don’t know if your husband loves you or not. But if he is feeling disrespected or controlled, he may not like that. That is possible. But I believe none of us are beyond the reach of Christ. I believe there is healing for you and for your husband in Jesus.

        The reason that everything on my blog is about the woman changing is that I only write for women. So I only address what wives can do on their end to change. I don’t talk about what husbands can do – but they have the entire Bible to read and to obey, as well. And they have even more responsibility and accountability before God than wives do for their marriages and families.

        Everyone gets to have free will in a godly marriage. God’s design is not about anyone controlling anyone else – humanities, at least. It is primarily about each spouse being controlled by the Holy Spirit rather than the flesh. All humans are sinners. We all desperately need Christ. Apart from Him, all of us have selfish, self-centered motives and want it all to be about us – men and women.

        Usually, husbands and wives have room for improvement. None of us will be perfect until heaven. We can have dignity in Christ and we can find our worth and value in Christ – along with our peace, purpose, joy, strength, and identity. We don’t have to beg anyone for their love. You are right we can’t make anyone love us. But we can allow God to radically transform us and we can seek to please Christ and to bless our husbands and families no matter how they respond in return. We are only responsible for our motives, our words, our thoughts, and our behavior. Other people are responsible for themselves.

        What kind of abuse are you receiving? Are you safe?

        If you would like to talk some more, I am here. 🙂 There is wonderful peace available to you in Christ, my precious sister. I will be glad to do anything I can to point you to Him if you want to continue a discussion.

        Much love and the biggest hug to you!

        Like

        • Donna sizemore
          January 17, 2016 at 11:32 pm #

          Thank you for your concetn. I am a Christian and trust the Lord with all my heart. If it were not for Him I could not endure. My husband is not physically abuse to me. He is a very good man. He had no children from his previous marriage. I have 2 and 5 grandchildren who he loves vety much and they love him. By abusive i mean verbal. That can be unsettling as much as physical. When we met 10 yrs ago and married he was completely different. He would have never said “you have issues” ” you are controlling” “you are unfriendly ” “you are loud ” and on and on and on. He plays mind games with me..its too much to go into but i really believe i do not know this person at all. He says he loves me but how do you love someone and say mean things to them. I hold resentment and cannot be the “submissive” wife i am suppose to be after he has had me in tears just 2 hours before I’m supposed to be a wife in the bedroom if you please. I feel like im a wind up toy that is put up on a shelf an gotten down when he wants me and put back up on the shelf when he don’t want me. I have addressed this with him and he says its me. It’s a back and forth he did she did. Just pray for us..i love him and want our marriage to work but i think its too late.

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            January 17, 2016 at 11:38 pm #

            Donna Sizemore,

            So, when you are talking about verbal abuse and him being mean it is when he says things about you being controlling, loud, unfriendly, or taking over? That feels very unloving to you?

            I do believe there is healing available for you. I think you can find it here, if you would like to. I will pray for you both now. If you are interested in talking some more with me, I am honored to talk with you about things. I believe there are reaources here that God might use to greatly bless you.

            Much love to you!

            Like

            • Donna sizemore
              January 17, 2016 at 11:48 pm #

              Yes you are right… it’s hurtful when he constantly makes negative remarks and never positive. I was married to my children’s father of 28 years and he had an affair.. it was like a death to me. so i certainly need some positive compliments in my life since i already feel like i must have messed up the first one pretty bad for him to have an affair. I’m going down the other side of the life timetable.. i just want to stop crying and hurting. Not even being loved as Christ loves the church I can handle but quit putting me down. I would really just like to be by myself and I’m sure he would too. Because we hurt to much together

              Like

              • Peacefulwife
                January 18, 2016 at 7:03 am #

                Donna Sizemore,

                If you could find healing and peace, would you want to? If I could help you – would you be interested in possibly thinking about things in a totally different way? What if you don’t have to hurt like this – and you can still be married? What if there are ways of understanding and looking at yourself and your husband that you just have never experienced yet that would be a blessing? Would you want to be open to some new ideas that would draw you closer to Christ and that might draw your husband closer to you, as well?

                Like

                • Jennifer
                  January 18, 2016 at 3:46 pm #

                  Donna, it’s not too late! There are lots of stories from wives like me who have seen our marriages totally shift by learning to respect our husbands and let them lead and be “the man”. I know it seems like you are giving everything up and you are doing the changing, but remember, too, there is an enemy that doesn’t want you to hear the truth and who is against your marriage. There is a way to learn to respect while still keeping *your* dignity and self-respect.

                  One quick thing to mention is that your husband wants and desires to be the hero and fix things and take care of things for you. It may not happen as quickly as you would take care of it, but he really does want to do this for you! Let him and then thank him with a joyful heart and just watch how that small shift helps a little.

                  April’s blog is a wealth of information and there are lots of good books that she has recommended, too. I hope you will be willing to try!

                  Oh, and by the way, my husband said some pretty hurtful comments to me, too, before I started the journey of learning how to respect and relate differently to him. I remember very well the painful things he said so I can empathize with you!

                  Just wanted to encourage you that it is not too late and that there is hope!

                  Like

  2. Marie
    September 6, 2013 at 8:36 am #

    Wow. Not only am I incredibly disrespectful but looks like my husband is an idol to me too. Sigh. Well at least now I know where my problem lies. Within me. I’m taking my son to prayer and worship night at our church this evening. My disrespect has rubbed off in him too and my not going to church has caused him to be cynical… Like mom. My husband works tonight but he use to enjoy going to Friday nights till I stopped going. I so need to be there. I got angry cause I felt convicted often of my attitude and called the people hypocrite in my mind. I might be our churchs biggest one. This is hard to admit but I need to confess it to be rid of it. Im humbled that he loves me in this mess of mine.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 8:44 am #

      Marie,

      Thank you so much for sharing! This part is REALLY HARD!!!!!!!!!

      When God first showed me my disrespect, idolatry, self-righteousness, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment and PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE – I was in complete shock and horror for 3 days. I cried and cried and wanted to go live in a cave for the rest of my life! I thought I had been an AWESOME Christian wife! I never fully grasped that I was actually a wretched sinner. I didn’t just owe God “$2000 sin dollars.” I owed “billions.” It amazes me now how I was not able to see my mountain of sin for so many years. The heart truly is deceitful above all things and without cure – PRAISE GOD for Jesus!

      This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE first step!!!!!!

      I’m really excited for you.

      I have a number of posts on idols/idolatry. If you want to, when you are ready to digest more – you can search “idol” or “idolatry” on my home page.

      There are also posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission that may be helpful! 🙂

      I’m right here if you want to talk!

      And – my Youtube Channel, “April Cassidy” has a video about how to apologize for our disrespect and control that you may want to watch before you apologize.

      Like

      • Marie
        September 6, 2013 at 12:54 pm #

        Peacefulwife,
        Thank you for your forgiveness and your encouragement and support. Something happened today. God has begun to repair some of the damage I have done because of my disrespect. Its a complicated thing so Ill spare you the details but I couldnt stop crying. I forsee more tears of healing to come. I will watch your videos this week.

        Like

      • Bridget
        October 4, 2015 at 2:31 pm #

        I’m a wife of a man who is addicted to weed , we have only been married a year , when we married he promised he was a Godly man and would always go to church with me and pray with me , and not put me through anymore heartache as I have suffered so much in my 40 years
        He has stopped going to church and smoking weed wanting to drink look at porn . I have found myself losing my temper and I don’t like it. I have told him how disappointed I am that he lies to me and hides things .
        The bible I believe instructs me to follow my husband if he is being Godly ? Not if he is fell away from Christ I’m at a loss as to what to do .

        Like

    • prayinglikehannah
      September 6, 2013 at 8:59 am #

      Marie- have you read the Love and Respect book by Dr. Emerson Eggerich?

      Like

      • Marie
        September 6, 2013 at 10:37 am #

        Prayinglikehannah-No I havent read that book…Kinda scared to right yet 😦 LOL I will get it though. I feel so encouraged by other womans posts on here and and Im glad I found this site.
        peacefulwife- I am amazed too that I couldnt see myself. I always kinda knew I was overbearing but I couldnt control it. Funny how now that I see it for how ugly it is and asked God to help me I I can control it suddenly. I dont even want to open my mouth. I sure do think and pray before I do. Duct tape didnt work before cause eventually I took it off. There was no heart change before when I tried to be nicer to my husband, thats when I quit church. I had never handed this over to God, I tried to change by myself but I really need the Lord. Thanks for being excited for me, it gives me hope. Sorry I was fighting with you kinda on another post. Its my rebellion. I can see it now. Yuck.Yuck. Yuck. I know God is gonna help me with this. I listen to christian radio everyday and todays bible study was about girls who had abusive fathers and who need to let God change their hearts toward God. Wow. It was only yesterday I confessed all this and shown why I was like this. As soon as you open a hurt place to God and ask him in he wastes no time 🙂 Instead of feeling overwhelmed like I was starting to I now feel comforted acknowledged and cared for by him. He is good.

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          September 6, 2013 at 11:08 am #

          Marie,

          This stuff runs DEEP!!!!! It goes all the way to the core of who we believe God is and who we believe we are. It is about our most fundamental understanding of the sovereignty of God vs. trusting ourselves. Lots of things really shocked me on this journey of discovery of my own sin and learning to be the wife God desires me to be:

          – I seriously can do NOTHING NOT ONE THING that is good on my own. God says my attempts at righteousness are like “filthy, bloody menstrual rags.” I finally began to see that this was true.
          – I had to HUMBLE myself and come down about 1 million notches and seek to only exalt Christ.
          – I had to actually decide to live with Christ as LORD. I thought I had done that! But – NOPE!
          – My wisdom is worthless. God’s wisdom is infinitely higher than mine. He knows best. I do not. This was a BIG paradigm shift because I had always thought “I was always right” before. Yikes! THE PRIDE!!!!!!!
          – I used to think my husband just wanted me to smile and be quiet. I couldn’t do that! I constantly told him every thought in my head. And when I saw my sin, I began to realize that almost every word that came out of my mouth was sin. Criticism, complaining, arguing, gossip, thinking I was better than my husband, thinking I was right, trying to get my husband to do things my way, etc…
          – There was a time where I got REALLY quiet. Too quiet. But – I had to learn discernment and wisdom before I could begin to use my mouth for good. FIrst, I had to stop the negative, disrespectful, sinful things, then eventually, I was able to add the respectful, positive, encouraging things.
          – I had to learn to be still while God did open heart surgery and removed TONS of gangrene from my soul. IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it is very necessary!
          – Humility draws God close to me. God opposes me when I am full of pride.
          – What God is interested in is total regeneration of our hearts and minds by His Spirit. This is not about putting on a fake smile – it is about God completely transforming my soul to be like Jesus. Then I have real joy in Christ no matter what my husband does or does not do.
          – It is only God who can change me or anyone else. I AM NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT! I got confused about that a lot earlier in my life!
          – I personally had to trash every thing I thought I knew about being a woman, femininity, being a wife, marriage, masculinity, etc… and just build from scratch on the foundation of Christ and His Word alone. I had to not care what was politically correct or what the culture thinks or what other people might say. I NEEDED GOD’S WISDOM. I wanted HIS design for me. It was like reinventing the wheel to figure all of this stuff out – and it was only by His Spirit I could understand any of it. But it is SOOOOOOOO WORTH IT! This is the path that leads to abundant life, peace, joy and hope!

          I forgive you for yesterday. I understand where you are coming from. I have been in a similar place – even though my father was not abusive at all.

          I can’t wait to see you allow God to reform your understanding of Himself, of yourself, of marriage, of godly femininity and rebuild your soul and life on the Rock of Christ. This IS exciting! And when I see a wife who is humble, teachable and repentant like this- I know GOOD THINGS are on the way. First it will be painful. But when God uses painful things to mold us and shape us – they result in great beauty.

          I’m always glad to hear from you! 🙂 Much love my sister!

          Like

      • KD
        March 24, 2014 at 7:27 am #

        I just ordered mine now… I’m so thankful for a community like this. God’s never late, as soon as you surrender yourself to him, he’ll begin showing you ways and also open you up to information to help you get better. I believe that’s why I found this blog and all the information I’m getting right now.

        Thank you ladies for sharing and caring so much.

        Like

  3. Wanda Rodgers
    September 6, 2013 at 8:44 am #

    Every time I read one of your blog posts I get so excited. God is definitely speaking to me in my areas of need and I know he has brought me to this site for help in the life of my daughter and her marriage. I am just so amazed at the many ways God touches us, loves us, cares for us and puts us all together to share with each other for healing purposes. He is the healer in all of our lives as his children, but we must recognize healing comes in many ways and sharing our hearts is definitely one of those ways to encourage and lift each other up.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 8:46 am #

      Wanda,
      I’m so glad that God is working in your heart and life through these posts. 🙂 What a huge answer to my prayers. It is such a help to have other women who are walking this road to share with. 🙂

      Like

      • KD
        March 24, 2014 at 7:42 am #

        Hi April,

        Thank you so much for starting this blog and for giving women of like mind and possibly situations to mingle, learn, share and heal. I have been reading your blog, I have also as a result bought 2 books that you also read I just bought: Love & Respect by Emerson and also The Surrendered Wife. Still in the beginning stages but it’s been helpful and very informative.

        I have also been so disrespectful to my hubby without realising it. I thought i was being helpful most times and I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t see that but instead get upset at the things I try to do. I felt he didn’t appreciate me, didn’t love me, didn’t want to share or speak with me and ultimately, I became to angry and bitter and it became more and more difficult for him to please me, to a point I feel like he just gave up! That made me even more angry lol…

        But I’ve been so wrong the past 4 years. Thank God I don’t have to spend the next four years in the sort of pain I have been through in the last four.

        I am trusting God that as He opens my eyes to my faults, He will help me to learn from them, forgive myself and learn/practice new ways of living and living/pleasing my husband… I read Ps 16:11 the otherday and He is indeed ‘Showing me the way of life’.
        Thank you so much April for all you do and for every woman contributing here, for making your life a book for us all to learn from and as we all do this, I pray that God will heal every heart, every marriage, every situation and every woman in Jesus name… Amen!

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          March 24, 2014 at 8:13 am #

          KD,
          I am THRILLED to hear all that God is doing in your heart! WOOHOO!!!!!!!

          That makes my day. 🙂

          I don’t want any married couple to experience the kind of pain my husband and I did those first 14.5 years of our marriage when I was so disrespectful and controlling but had no idea I was contributing at all to the problems in our marriage. UGH!

          I pray God might use my example to prevent many others from experiencing that pain!

          Amen, Amen! I pray with you for each of these requests, my sweet sister!

          Like

  4. Help, Lord! :-)
    September 6, 2013 at 9:47 am #

    Lol, I’m in the stage where I’m realizing just how controlling and idolatrous I have been… I’m so embarrassed and ashamed that I want to die at times, but I’m also laughing at myself and putting aside my pride knowing I’ve gotta let God’s light shine down on some really ugly places in my heart so He can purge me and renew me and make me the woman/wife/God-seeker I want to be. My parents’ marriage ended in a fiery mess when I was little, and I think in some ways I expected my marriage to make up for that… But, surprise!, my husband is an imperfect man with an imperfect past and I’m an imperfect but very demanding woman with lots of high expectations–perfectly prepared for a fall, I guess. Your posts and the comments are really hitting home with me. I’m in a humbling process- many tears- but through God’s grace, I am becoming/will become the quiet, slow to speak and quick to listen, gentle bride of Christ I am meant to be. I’m having to really SLOW DOWN a lot and give my hubby room to move and to speak. I already see a difference in our marriage since I’ve started not clobbering him with my opinions and comments about EVERYTHING but more graciously listening and waiting on him and being interested in what he brings to the table. Lol. God bless you ladies!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 10:25 am #

      Help, Lord,

      It is definitely a bit overwhelming at first to see all of this yuck that we hadn’t seen for years. And embarrassing. And humiliating. Humbling.

      I’m excited that God is showing you these things. It is PAINFUL at first – but this is the path to abundant life!!!!!!

      Yes. I had to STOP and just WAIT. I got to the place where I told God I would just wait right here until He lead my through my husband if I had to wait until I was 80 years old! I just stopped running ahead of God and my husband and waited. And waited and waited and waited.

      Turns out – it is embracing the waiting and all that God wants me to learn – that is one of the most important things. Being still before the Lord. And waiting on my husband to lead instead of jumping in when he didn’t do something in 10 seconds. I had to wait a lot. But then my husband SLOWLY, SLOWLY began to lead. Now – almost 5 years later – he is the godly leader I always knew he could be. But I had to get out of God’s way and my husband’s way – and let them work on him, and I had to focus on ME!

      Much love to you!!!

      Like

      • Marie
        September 6, 2013 at 10:38 am #

        🙂 So encourageing. I will wait.

        Like

      • Help, Lord! :-)
        September 6, 2013 at 11:41 am #

        Thank you for this response. It brought more tears. I hurt in places I am not even aware of yet. Lol, God knows what we need before we ask, and it’s definitely a huge test of my faith to let go of the reigns and wait.. with patience.. and, hopefully, with a gracious attitude some or most of the time while Abba works everything out for His/my/my husband’s good. Thanks again!

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          September 6, 2013 at 11:45 am #

          Help, Lord!,
          How I wish I could hug your neck my precious sister in Christ!!!!!!!!

          I believe this is the biggest test of faith a wife ever experiences. IS GOD SOVEREIGN “ENOUGH” to lead me through this sinful man? Is He able to make something beautiful from our marriage if I don’t try to control it all and if I obey Him? What He is asking me to do is the total opposite of what I think I should do to make things better. Is God really right? Can I trust Him? Or should I continue to trust myself?

          Check out this post “Waiting Becomes Sweet”

          Like

    • LearningToLean
      September 6, 2013 at 10:45 am #

      I keep getting reminded of one thing after another that I did that was disrespectful like when my hubby would want to go to a buddy’s house and do guy stuff (and this would be church family guys) I would say “go on I’ll find SOMETHING to do”. Geesh! Now as I learn and change, the hardest thing for me is to not show him this blog and say “LOOk! I finally get it!!!” But I think he knows already.

      Like

  5. Jen
    September 6, 2013 at 10:20 am #

    “I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband”
    Thank you for this topic, I find myself doing just that, I want him to say how much he loves me, to text me as much as he texts his daughter (my step-daughter), or come around and hug me for no reason like he used to, or finish a phone conversation with an I love you and not answer the phone when I call with a dry HEY or YEAH. I’ve been doing everything he asked of me I know I sometimes fall back into old habits with my attitude and I always say “well if he only would do this” or “why is he not loving towards me” and that angers me. And I feel if I give him space and don’t call him or text him and wait for him to talk or ask me something so I we can angage in a conversation during dinner time, he is going to think that I am upset about something and push him away. Also, at night do I hug him? do I wait for him to? it sometimes feels like a punishment because he clearly can go on night after night without touching me, him on his side and me on my side. Again he did not use to be this way, he was so loving towards me, I know I hurt his ego with my attitide and many things I did, now I know they were very disrespectful, I came across your blog a few months ago and it made me realized it made me see the truth of what God wants from me, and I hate to say that back then I did not know any better, but now he is all hurt and I am changing to make our marriage better and he is the one rejecting me, I don’t know what to do anymore!
    Thank you :/

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 10:30 am #

      Jen,

      Wow. I have SO been there.

      There were long periods of time in our first 14+ years of marriage where my husband would barely look at me, barely speak to me, hardly touch me – I felt SO UNLOVED. I kept telling him what I needed. I kept demanding that God change him. “LOOK what an unloving man I have to live with, God!?!?!?!?!? He needs to be more loving. He needs to be a better leader. He needs to be more involved with our children. He doesn’t pray enough. He watches tv too much. You need to fix him right now!”

      I personally had to stop pursuing my husband verbally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually. I had to just stop and wait.

      As your husband feels more and more respected, and as he sees (over many months, and maybe even years) that you understand him and you “get” his need for respect and he sees that this is a real and lasting change- he will probably begin to soften toward you. There is no guarantee of that. But as he heals and sees you obeying God and meeting his needs, he will probably begin to feel attracted to you again.

      Check out the post at the top of my home page about Respect and Sexual Attraction.

      And if you haven’t read them, check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission as well.

      I’m here if you need to talk, need encouragement or prayer! 🙂

      Like

    • LearningToLean
      September 6, 2013 at 11:11 am #

      Jen trust me when I say that there had been nothing quite as painful as being totally ignored by the same man that for 19 yrs adored me, was the most passionate man in the planet. I lay beside him night after night not even saying good night. He used to call me several times a day and always ended the call with I love you. He told me a few months ago that he is NOT going to say I love you every time he hangs up! Talk about total rejection! He has been so bitter towards me that if he did look at me when I spoke out was with contempt and anger. ..so unlike him. I couldn’t understand it. ..that’s why I wanted to run somewhere. ..anywhere. But since I got it, and have been quiet. .and by the way you being quiet will not be mistaken for you being upset because right now he doesn’t care if your upset anyway. ..but if your quiet yet when he does talk you listen to him and agree with him he will start talking more and more. ..mine talked almost non-stop for a couple hours the first time he opened up. Talked about things at his job and I just listened, laughed and didn’t give my opinion. He then started to hold my hand in bed. That’s as far add he had gotten, but that look in his eyes is gone and I’m just keeping on being quiet. quiet He had been so spiritually withdrawn for a while and even told me he felt unworthy to even pray and felt worthless. I am the reason for that. I’m allowing God to work in his heart instead of me and I’m seeing results. You have to be still and know that He is God and is in total control of your situation.

      Like

  6. Liz
    September 6, 2013 at 11:22 am #

    Hi April,

    I just wanted to thank you for your blog and specifically yesterday’s post. I know I’ll refer back to it often. I love all the specific examples and practical advice you always give! I am not even a religious person but I look forward to reading your blog every morning. The things you write are so beautiful and have helped me very much. I know you must pour a lot of time and energy into this website and I want to tell you it is appreciated.

    I think my husband and I have always had a good relationship. Looking back, I was probably being respectful and submissive (without knowing that’s what it was called) maybe 75% of the time, just because. So I think that gave us a good “base” to work with. Now that I’m trying to do right by him *on purpose,* changes have occurred very quickly. My husband tells me all the time how happy he is, how much he loves me, what a great wife I am. We are closer and happier than ever,

    I guess I never really realized how lucky I was to have an overtly affectionate man. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with, so I guess I didn’t realize a lot of men aren’t like him. They don’t necessarily email and text every day, or say all the time that they love you. My husband always has. The problem was me (of course)! I have always been a very controlling person, although I would not have admitted it in the past. One of the ways I tried to control him was by wanting him to be less affectionate, or to only show affection when I wanted him to. I thought I didn’t like “mushiness” and wished he were more stoic (I thought that was manlier). I think it’s because I was raised by people (two women) who were not affectionate and who saw any sort of softness or tenderness as weakness.

    I remember one day having an epiphany, that maybe God put me with this man so that I’d finally learn how to accept love, and that maybe what I’d been trying so hard to push away all this time was exactly what I needed, seeing as how I’d been deprived of affection as a child. So I started trying to be open to my husband’s affection and reciprocate. I let him hug and kiss me whenever he wanted, responded to every text he sent, and started laying in bed cuddling with him for long periods of time, etc…to put it mildly, he was very pleased. And it has been very healing for me, too. Now I enjoy all those things. I love following his lead and just doing what he wants. I could go on and on because this is by far not the only thing that has changed and improved, but this is what your post today reminded me of. I think it’s ironic some women are annoyed because their husband doesn’t text or write or say “I love you,” and I was often annoyed because I thought mine did it too much! Sometimes I think it’s less about what the men are doing, and more about whether we, the women, are able to control them or not. Our wanting control is the issue, not their behavior.

    Also, I wanted to comment on what you wrote, “A man will usually see that even if he did what his wife insists that he do this time, she will not be satisfied for long. After awhile, he gives up trying to make his wife happy. It seems completely impossible. She seems to be a black hole of insatiable needs.” I think this is very true. Yet it seems to me that when the situation is reversed and women do what their men ask of them, men really *are* (usually) satisfied. They don’t turn into black holes! I find this very interesting. I guess it’s one of the differences between men and women, and why relationship advice shouldn’t be gender neutral. I’ve read and heard so many things suggesting to men that if their wife is displeased, they can make her happy by giving in to her demands and bending to her whims, by doing MORE for her. I always cringe when I read that advice, because I know it won’t work. She’ll probably just start to resent him even more and neither of them will know why.

    Thanks again for what you do!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 11:28 am #

      Wow, Liz!

      Thank you for sharing!

      I wonder if you might allow me to share this anonymously as a post? I believe it would inspire many wives who are struggling right now. 🙂

      I think it is interesting that you wanted less affection and attention! And I think you may be right about that the issue may be that we want control as women – more than the specifics of what our men are doing. That goes right in line with Genesis 3 – where part of the curse was that women would desire to master/control their husbands.

      I also think it is pretty amazing that men often can be satisfied. You have a lot of interesting points here!

      Thank you so much for sharing your journey and your story! 🙂

      Like

      • Liz
        September 6, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

        Feel free to share whatever you’d like from my comment, April :).

        Like

  7. Samantha M
    September 6, 2013 at 12:34 pm #

    I was just talking about this subject to a friend the other day! I cannot agree more with all that you said. It is SO important–even though it’s extremely difficult–for wives to BACK OFF sometimes.

    I used to be so demanding. I wanted my husband to be the romantic guy in all the “chick flicks” and he never measured up to that. I got tired of never going out, so I demanded a date night once a week. Not surprising in hindsight, we would almost always get into an argument on our date night about finances, his sister living with us, and other things I was grasping to get control of. I desperately pursued him, and during that time I never felt so disconnected from him. I longed for the intimacy we once had, and I was so lonely it felt like my heart was shattered.

    When I came across your blog, I started trying something that was radically different for me: I began to focus on me being the best wife I could be. I started trying to use every opportunity to build him up. And instead of the way it was before, when I used to see how he didn’t measure up…I began to see him the way I used too. I saw my dream man. My husband wasn’t the man in the romantic movies…he was better! It felt so good to see him that way, but at the same time I was so ashamed of the way I had treated him. How foolish I had been, thinking he was the problem and needed to change. It was me. It was me, all along.

    It’s been about a month since I had opened my eyes and began this journey. I can’t believe how much my relationship has changed in that time. I handed over the finances over to my husband, I stopped demanding that he make his sister move out, I quit nagging him about taking me out. I stopped expecting my husband to be a mind reader, and when I wanted or needed something, I would tell him in a few brief sentences and leave it in his hands. He always took care of my needs right away. He tries to give me things I want in the timing he can provide them. Sometimes, the answer has been no. It’s frustrating at first, but when I stop being angry about not getting my way…I see his way, why he said “no” or “wait” and I’m thankful that he can see things from a completely different perspective than me. For example, I’ve been waiting a couple years to go back to college. I went to my husband, and once again expressed my desire to go back to school. But this time, instead of a 30 minute lecture about why I deserve to do this and how it will benefit our family in the future, I simply stated my deep desire to go back to school and asked him if he would let me know when he feels it’s the right time for that. I told him that I trust him to handle this and that I will support his decision no matter what. I gave him space, and a few days letter he came back to me with his answer. He wanted me to wait a year. He said that I could start next fall, when our finances would be better and his sister would be gone. I won’t lie to you–I was extremely disappointed, and I couldn’t hide this from my husband. I started crying. I felt like I had waited so long, and now I have to wait even longer. What if next year he just tells me to wait again? It might never happen! I let myself grieve, I let myself cry, but I still respected my husband. I still supported his decision. I didn’t try to argue with him, or convince him that he was wrong, or make him feel guilty. I didn’t mope about his answer, but it was on my mind. A few days later, it clicked for me. He was right to have me wait. If I tried to go to school right now, I would have no space to do my homework, I would be distracted by current obligations, and I would feel guilty about putting another financial burden on my husband right now that could even send us over this debt cliff we’re on. I immediately texted my husband to tell him about my revelation. I told him that I see now what he was saying, and I thanked him for being such a great leader of our family. And I thanked God for sending me a man who was different than me. Because him seeing things from another perspective is a HUGE blessing that I never realized before.

    It’s also so much nicer when we go out now. Instead of feeling obligated to take me somewhere, he does it because he wants to. And instead of me seeing him just fulfilling an obligation I placed on him, it’s a much better feeling to know he’s taking me out because he wants to do something nice for me and spend time together. Instead of getting into arguments on our dates, we just enjoy each other’s company.

    Wow–didn’t mean for this to be so long, but the words kept on coming out, lol! Thank you April, for letting God use you to help so many women–especially me!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 12:45 pm #

      Samantha,

      This is awesome!!!!!

      PLEASE let me use it for a post!! Pretty please???? 🙂

      What a beautiful thing God is doing in your heart, in your husband and in your marriage. Thank you for sharing!

      Like

      • Samantha M
        September 7, 2013 at 10:36 am #

        Absolutely! Thanks so much for the encouragement!

        Like

  8. Joseph Riani
    September 6, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

    “Remember that it is not healthy for me to pursue him for either me or our marriage. Remember it should be him pursuing me. Give him that chance.”

    I would like to agree and disagree with this statement. There are negative ways to pursue a man and there are positive ways. Most of this blog has addressed the negative ways and indeed those should be avoided. However, a man needs to know his wife desires him and desires his good. If I had a wife that expected me to ALWAYS initiate sex for instance I would get bored fast. Men want to discover their wives and we can’t do that if you don’t give us something to work with.

    My fiancee and I had a talk about what she will wear on the “wedding night” and I told her to pick something that matches her personality. Some guys would probably love to tell their wife to get the skimpiest thing she can find at Frederick’s at Hollywood but if it doesn’t reflect her personality then she reveals nothing of spiritual value to her husband. The body gets old fast and without an intimate spiritual understanding of ones spouse, the relationship will not survive.

    Also, when a woman goes out of her way to make her husbands favorite dinner or makes arrangements for a movie-date night that is a good thing. Sometimes guys need a break from the daily grind and its a HUGE pick-me-up when a woman does something nice for you. Sometimes even small somethings go a long way like when my fiancee would bake cookies for me for lunch.

    Moral of my post is that women should not just sit around and expect men to do everything. Husbands are not babysitters. We just don’t like nagging and being bothered with things like “should we paint the room country blue or turquoise.”

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 1:14 pm #

      Joseph,

      I agree – there are positive things a wife should continue to do:

      – give genuine respect and admiration
      – initiate sex IF her husband is receptive. Many wives who have made their husbands into idols or demanded sex and attention have husbands who are NOT receptive right now. If that is the case, the wife would be wise to just wait and not pressure her husband sexually or verbally, in my view. If the husband IS receptive, then by all means, the wife may initiate sex sometimes if her husband enjoys her doing that.
      – be kind and do thoughtful things BUT!!!!!!! And this is HUGE – be kind and do thoughtful things just to please Jesus and bless our husbands NOT to try to get our husbands to do something we want them to do for us.
      – say what she wants and desires (but probably only ONE time. Not 57 times a day.)
      – be able to accept “no” or “wait” graciously
      – be able to be responsible for her own emotions and spiritual well-being. That she might find her joy, purpose and fulfillment in Christ alone. Then anything her husband offers to her is an extra bonus.

      If she backs away in a resentful, cold shoulder kind of way – that is not healing to the marriage, it is destructive.

      Like

      • Joseph Riani
        September 6, 2013 at 11:29 pm #

        “- be kind and do thoughtful things BUT!!!!!!! And this is HUGE – be kind and do thoughtful things just to please Jesus and bless our husbands NOT to try to get our husbands to do something we want them to do for us.”

        Ah, the moral of life! Do things because they are good and not because you expect something in return (i.e. give freely as God gives). I think we could sum up an entire marriage with this point.

        Like

    • Alicia
      September 6, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

      I think what you are saying is that a wife should still be receptive to her husband. That is a good point.

      Like

  9. KK
    September 6, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

    April,
    This was a very helpful post. My husband literally ignored me for years and told me he was! But it has only been recently that I have been able to see my lack of respect and trust in him. I am slowly working to rebuild that but there has been so much damage done in the mean time:( During that time of being ignored, I transfered my happiness from my marriage to God and have allowed Him to be my source of joy and contentment, BUT that has had some adverse reactions as my husband has felt it as my pulling away, I think. I could go on and on about all the difficulties we have, but instead, I will just ask that you please pray for me.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

      KK,
      I’m so glad that this has helped you. That is a big answer to prayer! I will absolutely pray for your marriage.

      Would you like to talk with me some more? 🙂

      Like

  10. OC
    September 6, 2013 at 2:08 pm #

    Hello, I would like to sadly admit how much this post and many of the comments have spoken to me. I have always believed in God, but I am just now starting a true walk with him. Over the past several months God has humbled me so much- financially, career wise, in my pride, and most of all in my marriage. I have been with my husband several years and married only a few. I knew things weren’t perfect, but I thought they were fine until he recently told me that he wants to end our marriage and go our separate ways in the near future. He no longer wears his wedding ring . Sometimes he acts as if things are perfectly normal- loving, affectionate, fun, playful and others he is totally withdrawn. It leaves me feeling on edge and not knowing how to act. This situation was triggered by a particular event, but he says he has been feeling this way for awhile. He feels like his life was better and more prosperous and happier before we got together (we were teenagers) and that we will be happier apart. I have asked if there is hope, and he says, “there is hope for everything.” Not the answer I want of course.

    For awhile I was broken down, but through prayer, reading blogs like this, and writing I am becoming stronger. This experience along with everything else has caused me to take a real look in the mirror, and I don’t like who I see. I have been jealous, insecure, controlling, and disrespectful. I have made my husband feel small when he has tried to share his heart with me. I have coveted other people’s lives and relationships. I have told him petty white lies. I have disrespected him in front of our children, family, and friends. All this time I believed that I was a “good wife” because I know my way around the kitchen and have always “taken care” of everything, I have been wrong. I have been a terrible wife. I want my husband back. I want him to lead his family and to stop feeling so beaten down. I want him to put his ring back on. I have been praying so hard and taking small steps in the right direction, but I can use all the prayer, support, advice, and encouragement I can get. My heart is aching.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

      OC,

      I am SO SO SO SORRY to hear about how difficult things are right now. 😦

      Well… he didn’t say there was no hope. HIs answer is kind of promising in my view!

      This place you are right now – humble and able to see your own sin and repentant – this is the place a woman has to be before God can begin to work in her in big ways. This is a great starting place.

      YOu can’t change him. But God can change him. God can heal this marriage. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know that our God is ABLE. I know if you come to him humbly and repent of your sin and ask Him to change you and tell Him you want Him to be LORD of your life and you submit yourself fully to Him – He has incredible things in store for you. 🙂

      SEnding you a huge hug!!!!!

      Much love,
      April

      Like

  11. K
    September 6, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

    God has been telling me some of these things for a while, have been doing the ones I knew about, but I didn’t know how to apply them all. I can see that I do some of the things on your list. But, it has always been hard for us because the more I read these things the more I am confused because he and I don’t relate all the ways you mention here. About 15% of men and women don’t match the stereotypes and we don’t. I admit I am still in denial on some of them, but I feel that it is completely unfair.
    Why does everything have to be my fault? I have learned about giving up my expectations before. I don’t know how I can lower my expectations any lower than I have already: he doesn’t work outside the home, he doesn’t cook or do dishes, doesn’t help the kids with homework, doesn’t pay bills, expects me to do all spiritual training and praying and leading, responds harshly if the kids try to address him for any reason, spends most of the time on the computer, expects the teens to care for the youngers in every way, doesn’t care for our financial or physical safety, takes naps any time of the day or night, goes to the store to get things he wants when he wants, doesn’t engage me in conversation but expects me to come to him/wait my turn/then talk quick so he can get back to what he is doing/playing on the computer, occasionally helps if it is his idea to do but then I better drop everything I am doing and participate even if a baby needs nursing, doesn’t come to bed with me, expects the teens to watch the youngers when I am at work even if he is home, and expects that I will thank him for all the things he is doing. I’d just be happy to have my husband be my friend again.
    I feel like I am the only one here complaining, so obviously I am wrong, but I grew up going to church and have never heard any of this said this way. Husbands are supposed to care for their families! It feels wrong to expect absolutely nothing of my husband and that I should shoulder all the responsibility and consequences! If he does nothing I have all the responsibility and consequences. If he does something rashly and it is wrong or hurtful or whatever, I still get all the consequences. It never falls to him.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 6, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

      K,

      Husbands DO have huge responsibilities to care for their families. I am NOT AT ALL saying they should do nothing. What your husband is doing is not right. Is there a drug addiction/alcohol addiction, mental health disorder or serious issue going on?

      What I am talking about here is a wife not trying to verbally FORCE her husband to do what she wants. The issue is if we are DEMANDING our way. Our husbands are not going to respond well to that.

      So – your husband is clearly not carrying his weight in your home. That is not the situation for the other wives who are commenting here. These wives are talking about constantly asking for attention, emails, affection, that kind of thing.

      What do you say to him about this? What tone of voice do you use? What is your facial expression? What words do you use?

      It is IMPORTANT for you to say what you want and what you need. Usually just once.
      If you are telling him in a very demanding, angry mama voice: “You never help me around the house! You’re a lazy slob! You’re a terrible husband! I hate being married to you! Get up right now and do the dishes!” That is not going to work. Those things may be true. But condemnation, accusation, criticism, blame, disrespect, control and anger do not motivate men.

      Everything is most definitely NOT your fault!!!!! There is probably no marriage where everything is 100% one person’s fault.

      The thing is – you can’t change him. I only talk about what wives can do. You only control you. You can’t MAKE him do what you want him to do. You can try to do that – but you will repel him and he will resist you.

      So – how can you approach him in a way that would actually motivate him to WANT to help you? THAT is what we are talking about. 🙂

      Why isn’t he working now?

      What are the 3 biggest things you want him to do differently?

      Like

  12. aspittler83
    September 6, 2013 at 9:33 pm #

    Great stuff April! The hardest thing for me to let go is when he does things that aren’t the Christian thing to do. It’s especially hard because he will say that he needs to start living right or reading more, etc. Then he will leave the house and be right back in his ways. It’s just frustrating to watch.

    He knows what he needs to do but it’s too hard to change. He has no discipline in his life. I hate to think negatively but his words are empty so I don’t have faith in him. He doesn’t stick to his word with myself or the kids. It’s been going on for 9 years. I use to come unglued when he would tell my son things he was going to do but never follow through. Usually it was in front of my son too. Not good!

    Now, I just don’t expect him to follow through and have realized that he is responsible for his own relationship with our kids. It hurts as a mother to see but it’s not my place to try to control it. I have to truly get to a place where I trust God with our family. When I see him go places I don’t think he should go or drink when he shouldn’t be, or talk in ways he shouldn’t or set ungodly examples in front of my kids, etc. a couple of things happen. I worry that he won’t ever change and one day my son will see him for who he really is and will turn from God and live like his dad.

    I also have a pride/control issue. 90 percent of his friends are lost. When he chooses to go to their house for a barbecue or party, it eats at me so so much when I see him drinking or when I smell it on his breath when he comes home. (Remember he genuinely told me he wanted to make changes, so why go to those places if they are too tempting?)

    His friends and family know I am a Christian and he use to follow God but now see a different person. It makes our family look bad. I don’t like for lost people to see people live like them who used to follow God. It gives Jesus a bad name and I feel like it could even make me look like a flake. It also hurts because its like he is lying to me. I get the flake at home but the world gets the real person he is.

    Maybe all of my judgement, criticalness, negativity, harsh words, control, etc. have forced him to be fake because he thinks the real him will be a disappointment to me. ( one night i begged him to tell me who he really was. i told him i just want him to be hot or cold. i am tired of the lukewarm.)

    I also, just simply want to control him. I have a list of things a godly man shouldn’t do in my head and when he does one of them it makes me mad. I need support and prayers. I truly want to give God these parts of me. I am tired of this cycle. I really want to lay my head down on my pillow at night looking at my husband and truly being accepting of who he is. I want to lay all of these things at the cross and walk away once and for all knowing my God’s got it in his hands and he is capable and big enough to handle it and expect him to work in my family’s life- making it good regardless of who their dad is.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 7, 2013 at 8:00 am #

      aspittler83,

      UGH.

      This is indeed a difficult situation for a Christian wife to find herself in.

      Is he an alcoholic? Is the drinking beyond his ability to control?

      You are right – you can’t control him and you are not responsible to control him. He is responsible for himself. You are responsible for yourself.

      I would highly recommend the book Sacred INfluence by Gary Thomas for you. 🙂

      At this point – if you truly believe he is not living for God – then I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s prescription for you.

      The farther away a man is from God, the LESS he can HEAR from his wife with her words.

      Let’s assume that he is lost and unsaved. Your biggest mission from God in this world is to shine for Christ to this man and to live out a Spirit-filled life in front of him by your attitudes, your respect for him as a man (not the sin, but the good things in him and the position he holds as your husband) and to be full of the joy and peace and love of Jesus.

      This is not an easy assignment. But the potential rewards are that God may use you as a little partner of His to draw your husband to Himself. That is HUGE.

      So – think of yourself as a missionary on assignment in this home to this particular man. But the orders from your Commanding Officer are – do not talk about God, about sin, about spiritual things, about church, about the Bible, etc. Every time you use WORDS to try to force him to come to God – you will repel him.

      Check out: God Understands Men

      Are you willing to not care about anything but pleasing Jesus? Are you willing to live with HIm as LORD?

      Then it is time to really dig in and obey God’s Word for you as a wife – this is the way God will get you OUT of His way so that your husband can hear His voice again. There are no guarantees that He will turn to Christ. You cannot make him repent. Only the Holy Spirit can open his eyes.

      But if you can get rid of the sin in your life – the contempt, bitterness, self-righteousness, unforgiveness, resentment, taking control, telling him what to do, trying to change him… and if you can truly live out the power of God before this man – God will use you to influence him.

      The goal cannot be to change your husband!!!!!!!

      The goal must be to honor and please Jesus and bless your husband – no matter what he does in return.

      Before God can change your man, your husband needs to know that you genuinely respect the good that is in him and that you accept him – not that you accept the sin . But that you accept him and can love and honor him as he is right now.

      What are the things you respect about your husband?

      If you decide you want to repent to your husband for your judgment, critical spirit, negativity, harsh words, disrespect and control – I have a video about that on my Youtube Channel “April Cassidy.”

      It would need to be a brief apology. No justifying or explaining WHY you have been disrespectful and controlling. Just a humble, sincere repentance to God and your husband:

      “Honey,

      I realize now that I have not been the wife God has called me to be. I have been disrespectful and controlling. I sinned against God and against you. I apologize and repent. I was wrong. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I hope you can be patient with me as I learn to be a godly wife. I want to honor your God-given leadership. I want to respect you. Please forgive me.”

      THE END.

      One apology is sufficient.
      He may say nothing. That’s ok.

      He may get upset. That’s ok. Agree with him that you sinned against him and hurt him deeply.

      He may cry. That’s ok.

      Listen if he wants to share his heart.

      Tell him you want to learn to trust him. (If he is actually an alcoholic- wait to say this until he is in recovery – is my suggestion. But I am not an AA counselor. If he is an alcoholic, Al-Anon may be helpful)

      Then – focus on his strengths primarily and your sin. Take those two lists to God in prayer daily.

      Ask God to change YOU!!!!!!!!!!

      If God is going to change your husband, He needs to change you first. Then you and God will be on the same page and the same team and can breathe healing and life into this marriage and family.

      Much love to you!

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        September 7, 2013 at 8:04 am #

        PS,
        Most husbands need to see ACTION for many months before they believe this kind of change is for real. That is ok!

        If he is not an alcoholic, see if you can begin stepping down and just waiting on his leadership.

        THANK HIM for being the leader in the family. Even though he hasn’t been leading.

        Just thank him once a week or so from now on for being the leader.

        Use a friendly voice. Have a smile on your face. SINCERELY desire to bless this man.

        Tell him 2-3 things per week that you respect/admire about him, or things you are proud of him about.

        Expect no changes from him.

        Be appreciative of ANY effort at all that he makes for you or the kids.

        PRAISE HIM when he does ANYTHING right.

        Apologize to your son for speaking poorly about your husband and disrespecting him. Begin to tell your son about his dad’s strengths.

        Sending you a huge hug!

        Also, you may want to check out my Youtube video – “Finding the Hero in Your Man”

        Like

      • peacefulwife
        September 7, 2013 at 8:09 am #

        My Secret Idol

        Like

        • ashley
          September 7, 2013 at 8:39 am #

          April, thank you I am going to print this response off. When I get some time this week, I am going to email you so we can hash through some things. I really need some advice and your opinion on some things. Then I need to get the top goals for myself written out so I have a place of focus and somewhere to start. I have many many prayers written out about my behavior, etc. but they can be overwhelming. I have to get simplified and focused in my spiritual life- if this even makes sense to you. I read all these prayers I have for myself and I become overwhelmed with where to start and then discouragement comes and then I give up. This has been a cycle I have fought my whole life because I am a perfectionist. If I cant do it perfect, then I shouldn’t do it. It doesn’t help that my hubby has a lot of unrealistic expectations at times) too. The biggest battle I have right now is myself. If I can remove me, then I am on the way to reconciliation with God and therefore my husband and children. Thank you so much for listening and responding. It means a lot to have someone who doesn’t even know you to take valuable time to help you.

          Like

          • peacefulwife
            September 7, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

            Ashley,

            I was a perfectionist, too! I have a youtube video about that on my channel “April Cassidy” – check it out! 🙂

            I didn’t have anyone to go to when I was learning all of this stuff. I had no mentor wife. I felt very alone on this journey and like I had no clue what I was doing. It was like trying to reinvent the wheel after never seeing one.

            I’m so thankful that God allows me the privilege of walking with other wives on this journey. I’m extremely blessed to get to see what He does in hundreds of women’s lives and marriages. It’s the most amazing thing. God is very good! And He is ABLE.

            Much love to you! I’m looking forward to hashing through things together. 🙂

            Like

  13. David J.
    September 6, 2013 at 11:33 pm #

    April: I’m so pleased and thankful to God to see the impact you’re having. Awesome.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 7, 2013 at 6:49 am #

      Thanks, David! I am in awe of all that God is doing! 🙂 I definitely have a heart bursting over with praise for Him. Please pray I will only speak His Words and His message!

      Like

  14. darylgstewart
    September 7, 2013 at 4:21 pm #

    I think this suggestion (to stop pursuing) is so wise. I’m sure God is in it. If your husband hears a dominant voice, we want it to be the voice of God. We do not want God’s voice drowned out by any other noise, right? Isn’t that what you are telling us?

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 7, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

      Brother Daryl,

      I need to write a post on that, too!

      Greg told me that when I stopped all the criticizing, complaining, arguing, negativity, lecturing and disrespect, it was like taking static off of the speaker with God’s voice for him.

      Then when I added the affirmation, appreciation, genuine respect, encouragement, friendliness and willingness to honor his leadership,he said it was like putting an amplifier on God’s voice.

      Pretty amazing!

      Sometimes wives are not necessarily talking about God too much, but constantly asking for attention, reassurance, affection and emotional connection can repel our men.

      Instead of insisting on our husbands giving us attention, we can give them the freedom to give what they want to give because they want to give it. It means a whole lot more that way!

      But yes, as husbands don’t hear our voice as much, many times they can hear God’s voice better.

      Thank you so much!

      Like

    • Marie
      September 7, 2013 at 8:16 pm #

      Ouch! But oh so true. Thanks for saying it this way, that makes a lot of sence.

      Like

  15. peacefulwife
    September 7, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

    Ladies,

    I don’t know if you have ever watched Audrey Hepburn. She was feminine, graceful, elegant, classy and poised.

    If you remember some of the movies from that era,women were not clingy, needy and demanding – usually.

    They were confident in themselves, self-controlled, gracious, calm, patient and knew how to subtly draw men to them instead of trying to force a man to give them attention.

    There are actually wedding cake toppers now that have a bride dragging a wounded groom to get married.

    That is NOT our strategy in marriage as godly women!!

    We don’t beat our men to death with our words and force them to submit to us.

    We have a gentle, peaceful, tranquil, still spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear. Our confidence and faith is in Christ. We are unshakable in Christ! We find our joy in Him.

    So we don’t have to be a needy black hole that is insatiable. We are full of springs of Living Water – God’s Spirit. Anything our husbands do for us is a blessing, but we are stable and expectant as we wait on God and trust His sovereignty. We don’t have to argue. We don’t have to complain.

    We say what we want and need – usually once to our husbands.

    Then we wait to see the sovereignty of God unfold.

    There is no struggling. There is no freaking out. Our faith is built on the firm foundation of Christ Jesus and His Word. We seek only His glory and His will. We can embrace waiting and suffering – knowing Jesus will use it all to make us more and more like Himself.

    Like

    • Marie
      September 7, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

      Beautiful. This is how I want to be. I apologized to my husband this morning and basically said I wanted to be a blessing to him. He said I already am. I told him some things I do that I know aggravate him and are disrespectful and said I dont want to treat you that way anymore because I am sinning againstGod and you and I love God and I love you and I want you to feel loved. He said thank you. All snuggly 🙂 Im so lucky

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        September 7, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

        Wow, Marie!!!!!!!!

        THAT IS AWESOME!!!!!

        WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

        I’m so thankful for what God is beginning in you. It is beautiful. 🙂

        Like

      • prayinglikehannah
        September 7, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

        Dee!!!
        You make me smile. Good for you! If you choose to — you can get the Love and Respect book from the library. It opened my eyes very wide.

        April’s blog is filled with more than enough words of wisdom to keep you going, if you choose not to get the book. I am delighted for your growth spurt. All the best as you move forward on this journey.

        Now, April – Dee must be your best student! 🙂

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          September 7, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

          Prayinglikehannah – I think you and Dee might be neck and neck!!!!! 🙂

          I’m very excited for you both.

          Like

        • Marie
          September 7, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

          My husband was so affectionate this evening. Not normal for him. He worked on our truck tonight so I helped him. He crawled under it and fixed the brake line while I handed him tools and never b—-ed about it or complained once LOL. I didn’t even direct him. It was hard to be quiet but I kept saying to myself that he is smart enough to think for himself I know nothing about cars. I’m going to enjoy the cool evening breeze while he works. It was nice that he wasn’t aggravated with me when he was done. I usuAlly piss him off with my mouth. He stews silently but I see it in his face and behavior. Tonight he sat on the couch and snuggled and kissed me. I was in shock which was probably the only reason I didn’t talk incessantly about everything. I’m ordering thAt book tomorrow becAuse I don’t want to mess this up. It’s very hard for me to shut up and just relax and leave things in Gods hands and be peaceful but by the grace of God I did good today. I think my apology really helped him.

          Like

          • peacefulwife
            September 8, 2013 at 6:14 am #

            Marie,

            I am SO proud of you!!!! And I am SO thankful for the work God is starting in your heart.

            It is hard to not be controlling at first. It is SO tempting to want to tell your man what to do. But I love what you told yourself, “He is smart enough to think for himself. I know nothing about cars.” I also really love the way you decided to just savor the time together and enjoy the breeze. AWESOME JOB!!!!!!!!! A+!!!!!!!!!

            Our husbands actually don’t need that much from us – once we understand how they work.

            Giving respect to them, and appreciation – is way less work than us trying to control everything. It is less stressful for us. It’s less stressful for them. We all get to enjoy each other more and have peace. It makes our husbands want to be around us more. It is a win/win!

            AND!!!!!! We don’t have all the regret and guilt we used to from yelling, screaming, cussing, criticizing and sinning against our men, either. We get to become the women we have always wanted to be.

            As wives go further into this journey of respecting and honoring their husbands – in time – husbands will often begin to care a lot more about their wives’ feelings, and eventually… if a wife just looks sad, many times her husband will jump to try to make her feel better. A man who feels respected and honored WANTS to make his wife happy. And if he thinks it is actually possible to make her happy again – he will often be willing to try to do things that make her happy.

            Kind of neat! 🙂

            Like

  16. prayinglikehannah
    September 8, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

    Marie:
    So exciting! I am happy for you. You are indeed a sprinter at this thing. It is nice to see you learning so fast — and applying. I have had MUCH heartache in my marriage – and I wish I knew all these things before. I am therefore very elated when I see other people who are able to save themselves the heartache. Doing what God wants us to do is hard work! However, the results of our disobedience (or more ignorance in my case, at least initially), lead only to destruction. The results of God’s prescription for marriage, are beautiful You go Dee! 🙂

    Like

    • Marie
      September 8, 2013 at 5:25 pm #

      Thanks for the kudos 🙂 We had company today and I started to slip up. I started to correct my husband in front of them so I looked smarter than him, but I was able to catch myself and completely turn it around mid sentence so it sounded like I was just repeating something he had said to me earlier and had forgotten about so he looked good. Whew. That was close. He looked at me when I was talking as if embarassed and I caught myself and I could see in his face how respected he felt when I stopped myself. I am so likeing this.He is soo affectionate suddenly. Respectfully affectionate. He is eating this up and Im enjoying his happier self. I really tore this man down and because he knew my abusive past he tolerated it but it did shut him down. Im a little scared of my mouth and prideful attitude so I will spend more time with God. I know I will slip up but I dont want to hurt him anymore. I lose when I hurt him but I also see now the look on his face. Funny I never noticed the pain in his face before. Too concerned about myself I guess. His face has become my barometer. When I talk I look at his face. If he starts to frown or look sad,hurt,embarassed I know my mouth is running away with me. Im so glad I was able to stop myself. Thank you Holy Spirit for the quick conviction and new sensitivity you have instilled in my heart towards my husband. It wasnt there a few days ago. This is from you Lord and I thank you.

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        September 8, 2013 at 7:32 pm #

        Marie,

        This is AWESOME!!!!!!

        This is a LONG, LONG process that often takes many months or years. But this is a BEAUTIFUL start!!!!!!!!!!

        I would love to share this as a post, please, ma’am!

        I think MANY wives would be inspired. I love how you described your husband’s face. I agree. It’s shocking. How could we not have noticed the pain we were causing our husbands before???

        It’s like Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says in Love and Respect, “The scales of disrespect fall off of a wife’s eyes.” THen, suddenly, we can SEE.

        That is a God thing!

        I’m SO excited that you are hearing the conviction and stopping yourself. Eventually, you will be able to stop yourself from even beginning to say the disrespectful thing. And farther down the road – you will not even THINK the disrespectful stuff. God will completely regenerate your heart!

        Much love!

        Like

  17. prayinglikehannah
    September 8, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

    …and yes, the Love and Respect Book will be very helpful. It is an excellent book!

    Like

  18. PetiteFoi@DiaGratiA
    September 11, 2013 at 7:18 pm #

    This entire post terrified me.
    I am that woman, the needy, insecure, pushy one.
    I know he hates it, and what’s more horrible is that fact that he hasn’t done anything to warrant my behaviour.
    He’s faithful, honest, a good provider and a great father – but this rediculous part of me, the part of my gut that clenches at the thought of “letting go” feeds me this horrible idea that if I let go, he’ll just ‘get away’ and leave.

    I realize this all stems from abandonment issues that I’m projecting on my poor husband, and even when I read your list of “fears” they sounded so silly.
    Like he’d never tell me he loves me or kiss/touch me ever again…

    But still, giving up that “control” absolutley, 100% terrifies me, even though I know it’s harming our marriage.

    Thank you for this post, I have a LOT I need to think about and even more to work on.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 11, 2013 at 9:38 pm #

      PetiteFoi,

      Yes – MANY, MANY if not most women are that woman. I was.

      Yes, it is terrifying – because when control is your idol – when thinking you have control is what you pin all your hopes and dreams on – the thought of stepping down from control seems impossible. It seems dangerous. The reason it seems so dangerous is because – if you are like me – you have a very tiny picture of God and a HUGE picture of yourself. For me, I didn’t understand God’s sovereignty AT ALL. I thought everything literally depended on me. I was overly responsible for everyone. I learned some warped ideas about my parents being “weak” when I was very young. I felt I had to be the mama for my siblings. I felt responsible for the whole world when I was a child, crying because people in Africa were starving and I wasn’t fixing it. I thought I seriously was sovereign. I would never have said that. But I actually thought I had to make things work out “right” because if I didn’t, no one else would or could. I trusted SELF, not God. I thought I trusted God. I thought I was an awesome CHristian. But what I was really doing was worshipping myself and I expected my husband to bow down and submit to me and serve me and worship me, too. I didn’t ever think that consciously. But that is what I expected. After all, I was “always right” and I “knew best.” All the time. About everything.

      It turns out that trying to be in control was an illusion. I didn’t actually control anything – IN FACT – the more I tried to control things, the bigger mess I made and the more I repelled everyone in my life!

      You are addicted to thinking you are in control – like I was, and like the friend of mine who wrote this email.

      When you are faced with having your idol, your addiction removed – it is terrifying.

      So – it is time to look at the truth about how much control you actually have and the damage that your attempts to control your husband is doing.

      You may want to search “Control and Boundaries” on my home page, and also “Idol of Control”

      The key is to learn about the sovereignty of God and to make CHRIST your life. You have to lay down all of your wisdom, your dreams, your plans, your goals, your desires, your life – and give it all to Jesus. Submit fully to Him as LORD. Then, He exchanges all that you gave Him and gives You what He has. So you will pick up His wisdom, His dreams, His plans, His goals, His desires, His LIFE and you will live only for His glory.

      This is the key to contentment and happiness.

      God will NEVER allow us to find contentment in idols. He will never let us find joy and peace in self. True contentment only comes from living with Christ as Lord.

      Check out some of David Platt’s sermons sometime, too.

      Much love to you! I am here if you want to talk about anything! 🙂

      I have been down this road. It is scary at first. TERRIFYING. But then – it is the way to the abundant life Jesus wants to give you – and it is the gateway to the treasures of heaven!

      Like

    • Marie
      September 11, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

      I found that once I repented and asked Gods help he started to help me right away. I have this crazy anxiety sometimes when I’m. Trying to keep my mouth shut so I say to myself to relax and just calm down. I have issues LOL but it works and I say Jesus thank you for helping me. Your gonna be fine. Now that we have both acknowledged our behAviors are because of OUR issues we will be able to start healing. I’m happy for us both 🙂

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        September 12, 2013 at 8:06 am #

        Marie,

        I am thrilled for you!!!!!!!!

        You are always welcome here. I can’t wait to hear from you. Much love to you!!!!! 🙂

        Here’s a post about how this process usually progresses in stages – may be helpful as you begin this amazing journey of sanctification.

        Learning to Respect and Give Up Control is a Process

        Like

  19. Anon
    September 14, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

    I am glad you have found what works for your marriage. I disagree with using pressure & pursuit as synonymous terms. Read Song of Sol. she pursued her husband her lover. Think your blog post can create confusion and problems in a marriage. Many husbands want their wife to pursue them.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 14, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

      That is a great point, Anon – maybe I can change the word to pressure instead of pursue. 🙂

      Like

      • patricia
        September 2, 2014 at 12:59 am #

        Hmmm, April I know what you mean by pursue. Its true that in Song of Solomon the woman pursued her beloved, but I don’t think that’s meant to convey that this was characteristic of her overall demeanor. Wasn’t she pursuing him because she had arisen too late to open the door for a pre arranged meeting and he left without receiving her response to his knock? I don’t have my bible in front of me right now, so I am going from my late at night memory but I think she rushed out into the night, grieved that he thought she had not responded to let him in. That is very different than a high pressure determined pursuit by a woman who cannot wait on God and presumptuously pushes and forces via pursuit and emotional pressure. She may get him to bend to her will and desires but it will be at a cost to them both, I think. I am definitely in cahoots with you on this one, lol 🙂

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          September 2, 2014 at 8:00 am #

          Patricia,

          There certainly are times when it is a good thing for a wife to pursue her husband. But not in a controlling, constant, pressuring, idolatrous way. I hope that makes sense!

          Like

    • peacefulwife
      September 14, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

      Anon,

      Would you like to expand a bit on how a wife can pursue her husband without pressuring him?

      I am hopeful that this post was obviously directed at wives who have been very demanding. But I would love to hear your thoughts! It might be a great post. 🙂

      Like

      • Joseph Riani
        September 15, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

        I think I gave some examples in an earlier post. When a woman does something for a man without expecting him to reciprocate she is on the right track. Also, listen when he talks. When a guy says “I’ll handle it” or “I’ll take care of it” trust him to do so. At that point even if he fails he has accepted responsibility for it and you can hold him to that. You can also ask him “do you need a reminder?” if you suspect he will forget. If he says “no” then listen!

        Like

  20. Kelly
    October 6, 2013 at 10:15 am #

    I have been so disrespectful – and the constant neediness on my end is really pathetic. It feels unrepairable. I will say this though. God led me to this blog & this particular article – and to April. And I have to change…NOW…TODAY. And I want to. It is going to be so hard. For some reason, backing off of pursuing my fiance feels so lonely b/c he does not pursue me at all – at ALL. I need to REALLY back off though.

    Here is the thing though and I will back off now – going to give it my all.

    I wish my fiance would come to some revelation. I really do. He has an anger management problem & potentially has BPD (not sure at all as I am not a professional). I feel like I am looked at as the problem by myself (by admitting to my flaws, faults, sins) and to him. He waits on me to change and is happy when I am more respectful – yet he seems to have gotten away with everything.

    Why don’t men have these epiphanies?

    Kelly

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      October 6, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

      Kelly,

      I am glad you can see what you are seeing. That is a really important step!

      You may want to check out my post on http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com from today and yesterday. I think it may help you. 🙂

      I am excited about what God is doing in you! God will change you first – then He gets you out of the way so He can change your man. Don’t worry. His turn is coming – but God will deal with him in a much more powerful way and more permanently life changing way than you could ever manage on your own.

      Much love to you!

      Like

  21. peacefulwife
    October 20, 2013 at 9:17 pm #

    Tami,
    My son is almost 12. I am already trying to transition a bit – but it is hard at times!!!

    I know Nina Roesner writes about this on her blog. She has a teenage son, too.

    You can ask your husbAnd for tips.

    But, my understanding is that you will speak in a pleasant tone of voice more. Not nag them. Praise the good. Give requests more and more instead of commands.

    I am sure a whole book could be written on this topic!

    Has your husband shared his insights with you?

    I depend on my husband a lot to tell me how I can best approach our son these days.

    Praying for wisdom for you!

    Please pray for me, too!

    Like

  22. DRR
    December 8, 2013 at 6:15 am #

    I am just so speechless!! I feel so full on the inside because I feel so taught of the Lord through your posts.
    We will be 5months in marriage this December 13th. They have been months if growing and maturing more. Your posts are such an amazing catalyst. I am a young bride that wants to start excellently right from the start.
    I got married to my awesome husband with the knowledge that he needed respect more than anything. And it’s amazing the great lengths that a respected man will go to make his woman happy and meet her needs because he wants to and delights in doing so. I would not trade that for anything!!

    Thank you for sharing your life with us…clearly see Titus 2:4-5.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      December 8, 2013 at 7:08 am #

      DRR,

      I am thankful that God is using these posts to deepen your walk with Him. What a wonderful answer to prayer! I am so excited about your attitude toward God and your husband. How I long for every marriage to start out on a firm foundation in God’s Word like that. 🙂

      Congratulations on your new marriage! May God richly bless your walk with Him and may your marriage draw many to Christ!

      Like

  23. blessingsandbooboos
    January 6, 2014 at 12:34 pm #

    So, what is your advice if your husband is going to a place like Twin Peaks and you have expressed how uncomfortable it makes you and the hurt it causes when he chooses to go on a regular basis despite your conversations and him saying he understands, even saying he won’t go anymore, but then turns around and continues to go? They are always dressed inappropriately, but chooses to go on the days that they have advertised they will be dressed in even less and when I lovingly try and discuss it with him, he just brushes it off and says he will probably go anyway. I haven’t responded in anger, just concern and trying to understand. I know I need to let go and let God handle this. I am struggling with how to not let it bother me and still show him love and affection. We have been through a lot, and are trying to get past a lot of pain already. He says he will do what it takes to try and make it work, but refuses to change his behaviors. I understand the giving him distance and not pushing him to show me love etc. So do I just let this go to and pretend as though I don’t care that he decides to still go there? I haven’t demanded him not to, just asked him to please try and understand why I would feel the way I do. He still does it. Any advice?

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      January 6, 2014 at 1:05 pm #

      blessingsandbooboos,

      That name describes us all, doesn’t it? 🙂 I like that!

      Is he a believer in Christ?

      If he is not – then his greatest need is Jesus, and he cannot change himself. He is spiritually dead – so addressing particular sins may be rather pointless. Check out the post “When My Spouse is Wrong.”

      If he is a believer, he is FAR from God right now – and I Peter 3:1-6 is your assignment until God changes his heart.

      The more you lecture or nag or preach at him, the more he will probably rebel and go to this place anyway.

      But if you can be quiet about it and allow God to work in his heart and you continue to show honor and respect – THAT WILL CONVICT HIM LIKE NOTHING ELSE!

      You will have to get out of God’s way and be silent so that your husband can begin to hear God’s voice for himself.

      You don’t pretend you don’t care. You say, probably once, “Honey, it hurts me and disrespects me and our marriage when you go to Twin Peaks. It makes me SO sad. I really want to respect and honor you and this makes it much more difficult for me to respect you.”

      So, you are true to your feelings. You share. And then he will know what he is doing and he will make his choice knowing the damage he is causing and as you respond without sin – it will eat at his soul.

      Then you don’t say anything else. We will pray together and wait for God to work in your husband’s life.

      You will seek out opportunities to honor his leadership, cooperate with him, praise the good, affirm the things he does well, appreciate the things he does do for you, etc.

      Like

    • Marie
      January 6, 2014 at 5:46 pm #

      My husband knows how I feel about stuff like that. I dont know if he goes to places like that but he did before I met him cause all the guys he hung out with did. Lusting other woman is a sin because it degrades woman. Guys think its haveing fun. I played a few videos about sex trafficking and my husbands and sons saw me watching it. They asked why I was watching that. I said I want to see what a man who hurts woman looks like so if I ever meet one I will know to run. They told me what guys act like who do that. Actcharming and fake. Overly nice cause they have a hidden agenda. We had a great conversation about it and I am hopeing somehow they saw that their wife and mom could easily be a victim of degradation andmaybe think twice about doing that themselves to someone elses wife,mother,daughter.

      Like

    • Krista Lemings
      October 23, 2014 at 7:28 pm #

      Thank you for posting this. This is the first thing my husband of 3 months did with his friends when I left to visit my sister. He is not a believer and he doesn’t see anything wrong with this. It breaks my heart!

      Like

  24. jacqueline hangoma
    January 12, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

    Its the first time am reading such truth. I now realise that constant nagging causes a lot of pressure on the marriage.we need to show love,gratitude and patience.its not easy to resist telling him your mind most times but I think avoiding unnecessary stress is vital.God bless u for ur revelations.they are true!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      January 12, 2014 at 1:56 pm #

      Jacqueline,

      I am so glad this blessed you. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!

      Like

  25. Starlight
    January 12, 2014 at 2:53 pm #

    April, our good lord led me to one of your blogs re stopping pursuing our hubby’s! It is def helping me and my marriage to an unbeliever. God has been working I know he has and what you are sharing is def what god wants me to do! Theres me believing I was respectful and not demanding but I have been lol… Thank god there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus! He def is the way, truth & the life! May god bless & lead you richly in him! England UK

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      January 12, 2014 at 5:59 pm #

      Starlight,

      I thank God He is using these posts to draw you to Himself and bless your walk with Him and your marriage. That is awesome!

      Like

      • engaged
        January 13, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

        Honestly, with d whole attitude I get from my fiance I totally believe I should adopt this new life and giving space strategy. But I still wonder since this process is somehow painful and reduced d romance why shld I settle for dat kindda married life when I can get out of d relationship now and get married to a male friend dat is more sensitive and treats me like a queen.

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          January 13, 2014 at 2:27 pm #

          engaged,
          I am not sure what your relationship is like – so I cannot possibly say whether you should leave your fiancé or not. What is going on exactly?

          Are you both believers in Christ?

          How are you talking to him? Are you making him more important to you than God? Are you expecting him to be responsible for your own happiness?

          Does he feel respected by you? Here is a good post to check how he may be feeling. Signs Your Husband May be Feeling Disrespected

          How do you treat him when you don’t get what you want?

          How is your walk with Christ?

          What does he say he needs?

          As you respect and honor him, that usually deepens the intimacy and romance.

          I’m glad to talk with you about this. 🙂

          Like

          • lonely gal
            January 23, 2014 at 2:21 pm #

            i feel lonely….when my husband avoids me…..i had lost my dad …my dad used to be a visitor cos of workin in the gulf….so i never had got a father’s love….and i have no brothers…..so when a man waited for 5 years for me waiting to marry me i was so happy thinking that i wil never face loneliness …but i was wrong…..i was left alone at home …

            Like

            • lonely gal
              January 23, 2014 at 2:26 pm #

              adding to the above….he is a workaholic…..we have never gone anywhere after our 2.5 years of marriage…..am not from a very rich family like him….in fact i never went behind him before marriage he came behind me…..but now after marriage he sometimes in front of my in laws makes fun of me , my family….he talks about me loudly”she has never eaten good food or seen such wealth before ……look how arrogant she is now” this hurts me i just feel crushed….if my father was there he would never had allowed such talks against me

              Like

              • Marie
                January 23, 2014 at 4:05 pm #

                Mens brains get a thorough testosterone bath in the uterus, they are born insensitive to peoples feelings. As a woman you can do much to quietly teach him about your feelings. Ive had that happen to me too, my husband says stuff about me jokingly with no intent to hurt me but Im shy and sensitive and a private person . I dont like anyone to talk about me at all. Ive quietly told my husband in private this about me and please stop bringing me up in his conversations. Talk about someone or something else besides me. He forgets occassionally but I remind him later. He apologizes and says he was trying to make humor. I said thats fine but dont include me in his humor because Im very sensitive and it will hurt my feelings for him. I will feel guarded with him when we are around others. He can be loud and boisterous and sometimes forgets I am a personal person. After these talks with him I feel he understands better now but just cant control himself at times. He likes to be funny and make humor at the things that endear him about me. I can see he means to be cute and tease me but I dont like it. Im personal. Private. I dont get mad at him now if it happens just remind him later to not do it. He always says sorry and hugs me now. He is learning my feelings and being sensitive to them after the fact but at least he is learning them and we are understanding and loving eachother better instead of fighting like we use to.

                Like

                • peacefulwife
                  January 23, 2014 at 4:41 pm #

                  Marie,

                  It is a great idea to say gently, “That really hurt my feelings.” It’s fine for us to tell our husbands when we are hurt. If we can do that in a vulnerable way and not sin against our husbands in return – they will be most receptive and most likely to care about our feelings.

                  Thanks so much!

                  Like

                • JRiani
                  January 24, 2014 at 7:36 am #

                  @Marie: I think when these discussions come up we need to stop it with the “blame all men’s behavior on testosterone” tone. Scientifically, we don’t even really know if testosterone leads to aggression or aggression leads to testosterone production. Saying that men are born insensitive to people’s feelings is like saying we aren’t born human. The problem as I see it is that men and woman are born suspicious and curious of each other. Rather than giving the other the benefit of the doubt, we resort to snipping and murmuring because of our fallen state. Maybe some men are insensitive but so are a lot of women. As an educator I can tell you that the young women in my class are some of the rudest and most crass individuals I have ever met. There is certainly nothing more noble about them than their male peers. The male students in my class handle criticism much better and they don’t throw temper tantrums if they get a bad grade. Perhaps the real question is why are some people oversensitive? Insensitivity and oversensitivity are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Being an oversensitive person is just as problematic as an insensitive one. Emotions are not gods and do not have to be yielded to. Sometimes they are destructive.

                  Like

                  • Marie
                    January 24, 2014 at 3:06 pm #

                    Hmmm . I will think about this. I have just never known a man who was sensitive Maybe its more of a learned skill. I see what you mean about woman being very rude and crass and so its not hormones then but our fallen nature. Im glad you pointed this out because I have always assumed it was a guys testosterone. Thats what my counselor says too but now I can understand she is wrong. Because woman too are terribly insensitive. Funny how I couldnt see that, its so darn obvious if you just stop and think about it. I have soo many mindsets and your blog is freeing me from soo much and softening and healing my heart towards men in general not just my husband. I thank GOD for your blog. Its helped me more than my counselor because now GOD is my counselor.

                    Like

                    • peacefulwife
                      January 24, 2014 at 3:26 pm #

                      Marie,

                      You’re welcome!

                      God is the Wonderful Counselor – that is for sure!

                      Joseph,
                      Thanks for sharing. 🙂

                      Like

                    • JRiani
                      January 24, 2014 at 5:51 pm #

                      @Marie: Men are quite sensitive although not in the the way women necessarily expect. Think about peacefulwife’s blog here. If men didn’t care or were “insensitive” why would anything women did or say matter to us? Why would peacefulwife bother putting her time and effort into this enormous project if men carried on regardless of what was against us? Men are sensitive but instead of curling up in a corner many men will either disconnect and ignore you or attempt to “one-up” you.

                      Lastly, I am very weary about “counselors.” I’ve heard quite a few horror stories about what counselors have told people. Too often the female counselors like to “pile it on” as far as men are concerned. If you talk to many of them they act and give advice as if men have no feelings. They always put the woman in the right because they cannot put their own feelings aside and be an objective party. One of my friend’s psychologists allegedly convinced her that her husband was cheating on her simply because he was insecure about her going on long vacations by herself. Umm…yeahh her shrink should have lost her license to practice for adding fuel to that fire. Thankfully they are still married and worked their own problems out.

                      Like

                    • peacefulwife
                      January 24, 2014 at 7:27 pm #

                      JRiani,

                      There was a time I believed Greg had no feelings – because he never EVER expressed them. I had no idea I had hurt him deeply with my disrespect. I”m so thankful God showed me the truth and opened my eyes and helped me to see that Greg (and men) DO have feelings and that what they think, feel and need is important!

                      It is pretty common today for many people to blame husbands for marriage problems. I pray we will be very careful about who we accept advice from and what advice we accept -that it might line up with God’s Word and strengthen and heal our marriages, not add more pain.

                      Thanks!

                      Like

                    • Marie
                      January 24, 2014 at 10:33 pm #

                      Funny you mentioned that, my counselor also suggested my husband may be cheating on me too. No chance of that, he works a LOT and has the pay stubs to prove it. Hes always home otherwise. After she said that I decided not to talk to her about my marriage. Shes a single mom so what would she know anyhow. Im really shocked by my beliefs about men.I have had a long held mindset shattered today and feel so blessed.

                      Like

                    • JRiani
                      January 25, 2014 at 7:10 pm #

                      @Marie: I am curious as to why your counselor shared her own family situation with you. Is she a certified counselor / psychologist that works in her own practice or is she one of those “life coach” types? Given the details she shared with you, its no wonder why in her view “men are the problem.” The single professional mom types are often infused with feminist rage and anger when it comes to men. They pretty much operate on the premises that most of women’s suffering is caused exclusively by men.

                      Also, I’m sure I can speak for many guys in that we like to see our wives content and satisfied. That is why when something is wrong guys often go into “fix it” mode and try to make things better. Many of the guys I know would move mountains for their wives. I know a lot of single guys that make complete idiots out of themselves just to make a girl happy and notice him. For a lot of guys, affirmation from a woman is more valuable to them than food.

                      Yes, there are abusive guys out there but there are abusive women out there too. I read an article not to long ago by a Christian woman about “husband bashing” and how it has almost become a right of passage for women even in Christian circles. There’s a whole website dedicated to husband bashing but no equivalent for “wife bashing.” There is also an app for smartphones called Lulu which allows women to rate (judge) men based on mostly superficial and insulting criteria. If such an app existed for men it would be removed as sexism almost immediately. These pearls of culture are all the fruits of feminism come to pass and they continue to irritate the already strained relations between men and women.

                      When we resort to blaming the others for our misery we cease our spiritual quest towards God because we fail to pay attention to the “sty in our own eye.” This is something feminism has taught women to ignore for decades (i.e. man = bad, woman = good). As a result women have come to associate every negative thing with men making themselves miserable.

                      Like

                    • Marie
                      January 26, 2014 at 8:53 am #

                      I am finding another counselor. She is a PSYD. Is that a doctorate of psychology? Anyhow, she is harsh when it comes to men, so I stopped discussing anything with her about myhusband. Shes also a Buddist and although her beliefs do seem peaceful she acts amused about my faith in God. Ive been seeing her almost 2 years but time to move on. I will seek a Christian counselor. Someone more of a match. We have Christian counseling centers throughout this area. That psychologist did help me with anxiety issues but I have found more help on Aprils blog for everything else . Aprils blog helps me lean on God and seek him, that counselor says lean on ,myself and meditate. I don’t find peace in that.I will let her know that I need a Christian counselor. She has suggested I find a different counselor too, a few times. Maybe shes uncomfortable with my faith. I told her I don’t believe in divorce when she suggested it and I told her why. How clueless Ive been LOL. I thought I could keep our different beliefs separate from the counseling but it affects every aspect of it. My stronger faith and beliefs since being on peacefulwifes blog have interfered in her counseling approach with me. Thank you GOD.

                      Like

                    • JRiani
                      January 26, 2014 at 11:12 am #

                      @Marie: Glad to hear of your decision. Lets pray for the women who still see this woman. Yes, a Psy.D. is a professional degree. She should quite honestly be barred from practicing for the “advice” she’s given you. Psychs aren’t supposed to tell you what to do. They are supposed to help you work through it with minimal input and develop the skills to handle your own problems.

                      Like

                    • Marie
                      January 26, 2014 at 11:22 am #

                      Yes,I agree, she made me feel confused a few times so I stopped telling her personal relationship stuff. It was obvious she leaned heavily towards being single and self supportive. Nothing wrong with either of those things but that meant divorce for me. ughh. I will pray for the woman she counsels. Thanks for takeing the time to help me sort out my thoughts on this. Actually you were supportive about what I already felt and kinda knew so thanks for your insight and kindness.

                      Like

                    • peacefulwife
                      January 26, 2014 at 1:25 pm #

                      Marie,

                      You and I need to do a post in this issue, my friend!

                      Would you allow me to share some of your story with this counselor anonymously, please? And we can talk about how critical it is for us as believers to only seek godly, biblical counsel that lines up with God’s Word? We need to be sure the people we take advice from are seeking God’s will, His truth and His glory in our lives, not an ungodly agenda.

                      This is a really important topic!!!

                      Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂

                      Like

                    • Marie
                      January 26, 2014 at 1:50 pm #

                      absolutely

                      Like

                    • Marie
                      January 26, 2014 at 1:51 pm #

                      If you feel anything I said would help someone else that’s great. I didn’t realize that this very educated psychologist would cause such conflict in me or that her “education” would be in conflict to my faith.I just was looking for some psychology to help with an anxiety issue and she did help me with that , to understand it as well. She was a bit too full of herself though. Very prideful. Looking back I can see that now in her responses and reactions to things I told her. Very snooty. Good thing I felt uneasy inside and backed off with shareing. Now I see that uneasiness I was feeling was our conflict of beliefs.

                      Like

                    • peacefulwife
                      January 26, 2014 at 4:20 pm #

                      Marie,

                      Thank you very much. I think it is easy to assume that if someone has a worldly “professional” education, we can trust anything they have to say. But that is definitely not the case.

                      I appreciate your willingness to allow me to share. Thank you!

                      I praise God for what He is doing in your life and marriage. 🙂

                      Like

                    • peacefulwife
                      March 18, 2014 at 11:56 am #

                      Marie,
                      How are you this week?

                      Much love!
                      April

                      Like

                    • Marie
                      March 18, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

                      Hi April, thanks for asking. Im doing pretty good actually 🙂 God has removed the need desire or rebelliousness in me to go against my husbands leadership. I have spent every morning and evening on my knees in prayer and renewal. When I awake and when I go to bed, I spend time in Gods presence through prayer and he has quieted me. It carries on into the day. My obedience to God. After that dream I had about the cop holding a gun to my head to surrender and obey, I realized that I could obey and be obedient to God. He will not hold a gun to my head to do so like the cop would, God wants my love for him to be what motivates my obedience. I know his ways are best for me and my marriage and family so the only thing that was hindering me was my pridefulness and whininess. I didn’t like what I was seeing in myself. Im done with that . Many wonderful things are happening in my marriage and family. My husband is thinking for himself and having God moments and aha moments of his own in regards to his role as a dad and husband. He went a little out of control for a few months when I lifted off the reigns LOL but now its settling down as he is becoming more attracted and curious of my new demeaner and respectful deep yet short to the point conversations.He likes that a lot 🙂 and my emotions are now stable. Once I had that dream, I fell in line quick and I have been blessed immensely. Thank you for all your posts April. Im so glad I found this website.Love Marie

                      Like

                    • peacefulwife
                      March 18, 2014 at 1:02 pm #

                      Marie,

                      This is amazing!!!!!!! I wonder if you might allow me to share it on my FB page later?

                      I praise God for what he is doing in you both! Can’t wait to hear all that God has in store for you!

                      Like

                    • Marie
                      March 18, 2014 at 1:51 pm #

                      You can share , thanks for asking 🙂 I feel such peace . I cant believe the hardest part of this was my own struggle with myself. I was in my own way. God is so beautiful merciful loving and compassionate. Also firm,stern ,patient and wise. OK Im gonna cry now. He loves me and now I truly love him. He s been so kind and good to me. How can I ever show him my love for him? By staying close to him and not turning away. I wont be moved.

                      Like

                    • JRiani
                      January 26, 2014 at 6:52 pm #

                      @Marie: There is an article about psychologists you should read. It is called “Closed Thinking” by Bruce Bower in ScienceNews. I think there are some very positive aspects of psychology but many psychologists let that degree go to their head.

                      Like

                    • MArie
                      January 27, 2014 at 10:35 am #

                      OK thanks. Im going to read it. I didn’t go to an appt. last week with her. I go Bi-Weekly and missing last weeks appt. feels freeing. I feel good about my decision. Like a cloud has been lifted. Wow. I was feeling pulled between being a biblical wife and being a feminist. I had no idea what that conflict was inside my head. April…please never stop what your doing here. So many are deceived. I have tears in my eyes. I think being the wife I want to be and that I know God is calling me to be is going to become easier now. Not Easy..just easier. Love and Hugs.

                      Like

                    • peacefulwife
                      January 27, 2014 at 1:46 pm #

                      Marie,

                      Yes – getting rid of worldly and ungodly voices DEFINITELY makes it easier to hear God’s voice more clearly and to focus on His wisdom and His truth and His power. I am THRILLED about what God is doing in you!!!!!! What an incredible difference I have seen as He continues to sculpt and mold you to be more and more like Christ in these last few months since we have “met.”

                      Yes. I know! So many are deceived and are hurting and don’t even know why. I wish I could sit down with every woman on the planet and share these treasures of heaven so that each woman could see that Jesus has unlocked the dungeon door for each of us. Now, we can get up and run with Him into His glorious freedom, truth, light and abundant Life.

                      I also believe that God has plans to use you to be my co-laborer in Christ to help share this message. As you are ready – I would love to share more of your story. 🙂

                      Please pray that God would empower me daily to be faithful and to speak His truth and not turn from it to the right or to the left. Please pray that His Spirit will speak to every wife who reads this blog and that He will draw many to Himself for His glory!

                      I make myself totally available to Jesus to use however He sees fit. I want only to honor and obey and glorify Him. I owe Him EVERYTHING! I can’t keep this treasure to myself!

                      Much love!
                      April

                      Like

                    • MArie
                      January 27, 2014 at 2:40 pm #

                      I will pray for you April. God will lead woman to your blog, just keep doing what your doing. Id just like to encourage you to Remember to make time for resting in him.
                      Today I am reminded of the depth of the verse…the truth shall set you free. (Thank you for takeing care of that technical request. )

                      Like

                    • peacefulwife
                      January 27, 2014 at 3:30 pm #

                      Thank you so much, Marie! 🙂

                      Like

                    • peacefulwife
                      January 27, 2014 at 1:52 pm #

                      JRiani,

                      SO true!

                      Amen!!!!!

                      Like

            • peacefulwife
              January 23, 2014 at 3:24 pm #

              lonely gal,
              I thought that I would never be lonely again after I got married, too. But I was lonelier than ever many times earlier in our marriage.

              Who Knew Marriage Could Be So Lonely?

              How are things with your husband?

              What is your relationship with Christ?

              Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?

              What do you believe you need to be happy?

              What are you most afraid of?

              Much love and a HUGE hug to you, my precious girl!

              Like

              • Kayla
                January 24, 2014 at 10:27 am #

                Is there a way to contact you directly?

                Like

        • Marie
          January 13, 2014 at 4:06 pm #

          You dont know how that friend will treat you after your married. The whole entire dynamics of a relationship changes after marriage when you become yoked together . Peoples personalities come out during stress and conflict LOL. You might get a big surprise from this sensitive new guy who turns to jerk. Dont be led away from your husband by greener pastures. EVery lawn has dirt under it.

          Like

  26. Teresa
    January 25, 2014 at 1:07 am #

    Great view. I just talked with my husband about needing more intimacy andhe told me I need to pray cause It’s my problem and he cant fill the void. Strange, I am ok. Can’t force him, I a done. Prayer it is. God help me, keep me. I am not demanding, in fact, I have kept quiet for years. Point is, you’re right demands push them further away.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      January 25, 2014 at 2:16 pm #

      Teresa,

      I pray for God’s wisdom for you both and for healing. I pray you might find contentment, peace, joy and purpose in Christ no matter what your husband does or does not do.

      Sending you a huge hug!

      Like

  27. prophet TM Jonathan
    January 27, 2014 at 7:34 pm #

    Shalom woman of God, I tried to read your message and I’m touched by the way u explained things. I had a problem that I wanted to share with u. Be blessed so much by God in heaven

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      January 27, 2014 at 9:00 pm #

      Prophet TM Johnathan,

      What would you like to share? 🙂

      Like

  28. VIV
    January 30, 2014 at 9:18 am #

    Thank you for this blog it makes me realize how wrong I am, lately I’ve been asking my husband to give me attention and affection and to say the words I want to hear but he gets mad and tells me that I dont understand that he’s tired. Everything is good in our marriage until I start nagging….but I see I’m wrong, i know he loves me and I pray about it but I dont live for god as I should be doing and that is also my struggle, I expect god to answer my prayer but when it comes time for me to give him my time I dont commit. I’ve felt the holy spirit over me and its the most beautiful feeling 🙂 I ask for prayer over me to help me with this battle, I want God more than anything…I want peace. Thank You

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      January 30, 2014 at 10:18 am #

      VIV,

      I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart! I have COUNTLESS posts about these issues. You are welcome to check out the posts at the top of my home page, and even the posts from this past week – I believe would greatly bless you and point you towards Christ and learning to live fully for Him and to submit to Him as LORD and to find all your contentment, peace and joy in Him. Amazingly, as you do that, He will probably heal your marriage, as well. 🙂

      Like

  29. ashleigh
    February 2, 2014 at 1:37 pm #

    I don’t know where to begin. My husband actually sent me this blog. I appreciate all the wonderful things that you said and know that I need to work on not being too pushy in the bedroom. But right now I’m just feeling frustrated as to how I’m supposed to respond to him. You see I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one who does anything in that area. He tells me he would want to if I backed off. I’ve tried doing that too but it doesn’t last long. Because I forget about it or I just want what I want. Which is terrible and I know it needs to stop. I just feel like I’m still paying for my past mistakes with him, the being to pushy part. I also feel like I’ve gotten better and being better. I feel like things in that regard will never change with him though. It’s like he forgot how to touch me but I remembered everything he likes. I don’t know how to stop being pushy, I’ve tried stepping back and asking God to help me and have even had weeks where I have. Sometimes I feel like my husband should be lucky to have a wife as interested as I am. Wow I’m so selfish. (that wasn’t sarcasm) My feelings are hurt that he sent this to me, because I thought I was doing better. I’m angry with him. Sometimes I just want to runaway from my marriage because I’m always the one who seems to hurt him. He can never do anything wrong. Maybe I’m not ready to let go of my controlling side. I know I need to but I just don’t know how. I hate that I hurt him and that I’m so pushy with this. Thank you for sharing this blog, I probably should re-read it and take a few notes.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      February 2, 2014 at 2:00 pm #

      Ashleigh,

      My sweet girl! I am so glad to meet you!

      I can also very much relate to you. You know what? My husband used to turn me down OFTEN. I felt so devastated and rejected. It is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. So – I definitely understand how upsetting it is when you feel unloved and rejected by your own husband.

      I am not sure what all is going on with y’all.

      I asked my own husband recently why it was that he was turned me down so much earlier. He said it was usually either because he was really tired or felt disrespected.

      I have a post “The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage” that may be helpful.

      I know that it is SO HARD to back off a bit. But – men tend to like to be the ones who pursue. Sometimes they feel too smothered or forced if we are pursuing them too much.

      I’m glad that he is trying to explain how he feels. I know that this is such a painful topic.

      How long have you tried waiting and giving him space?

      For me – I just completely stopped and waited. It took 6 weeks. Eventually, over time, things became a lot more balanced and now we both initiate at times and things are good. But – I also don’t push anymore and don’t try to force my way and don’t freak out if he is tired. God empowers me to be able to be gracious now. Such a blessing.

      It is very frustrating when one spouse has a much higher drive than the other.

      I have some posts that may be helpful at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect.

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      I’m really glad to talk with you about anything! I’m not an expert or professional. But I will do my best to point you to Christ and the Bible.

      Here’s another helpful post, I think “Things that are Attractive/Unattractive to Husbands”

      Like

      • ashleigh
        February 2, 2014 at 7:18 pm #

        We are both very strong believer’s. I’ve always had a close relationship with the Lord since I was 11. My husband grew up in a Christian background and really started coming into it about 6 years ago. We have been married for a year and are I guess just going through the usual early stages.

        I think what has turned him off to me is my family’s control. The women in my family have a lot of say so over the men in their lives. I don’t like that because I’ve noticed the damage that comes from that. My husband has noticed it too and can see it in me sometimes and I think that is his turnoff.

        For me it hurts because I feel like he doesn’t love me or want me, like he’s grossed out by me. He reassures that it has nothing to do with him not loving me because he does. Still though it hurts. Because at the very beginning he was all about us.

        We also have a 9 year age gap between us, he’s 31 and I’m 22. So he has in the past complained about being too tired, his immune system is not very good either and he gets lots of headaches. I still would try and egg something on even if he wasn’t in the mood and wind up with my feelings being hurt and him being hurt cause I didn’t listen to his feelings.

        The longest that I would like to say that I have gone without pressuring him was maybe two weeks, and I could see a positive difference. For some reason whether it is out fear that he won’t want me or of rejection or not I keep going back to old habits.

        I want to be able to back off and break this cycle cause I definitely feel it crushing us. I will read those blogs. I’ve felt hopeless because there really hasn’t been anybody to share these thoughts with, without them giving bad advice and it’s just an awkward topic. I appreciate you getting back to me so quickly. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has/is experiencing this.

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          February 2, 2014 at 9:44 pm #

          Ashleigh,

          My perspective, for whatever it is worth:

          I think that you will find that he really does love you. And that as you respect his feelings and needs and even his headaches – he may just be more interested in time.

          It is hard to wait.

          What I would love for you to do is to trust that your husband DOES love you. I believe him when he says he does love you. Rest in his love and rest in God’s love. Don’t allow your husband’s acceptance of you sexually to determine your self worth.

          It is easy to make an idol out of feeling accepted and desired sexually by our husbands. I HAVE SO BEEN THERE!

          Lay your desire down before God.

          Seek to find all of your contentment, identity, acceptance, purpose, love, peace and joy in Christ alone – no matter what your husband does or does not do. This is ALL about your relationship with Christ. When He is in the right place – He can give you the power to have joy and peace even in the storms, even when others don’t do what you want and you don’t get your way.

          Seek God’s will and His glory and to bless your husband – and let go of every other motive. 🙂

          Pray for God to bless and heal your marriage sexually. And then trust Him to work in your husband’s life as you back away a bit.

          Here is my personal suggestion – try not initiating – for a month or two. Assume you are just going to take a break and give your man some space and time. Be receptive to him and joyful if he approaches you – but begin to reverse the roles and allow him to pursue you now.

          It’s scary at first!

          If there are medical problems or something, if he goes a month or two without initiating sex – then, something may be up. But – you might be surprised that as you give him some space, he may actually begin to miss you and want to pursue you himself.

          He may not want sex every day. He may be good with once a week or once every two weeks or something. That is not wrong.

          You may find that as you give him space and don’t smother and pressure him, he may actually enjoy sex more often than you think he would want it.

          We’ll pray together!

          Much love!

          Like

        • ashleigh
          February 5, 2014 at 3:10 pm #

          Things are taking time. Yesterday we were able to sit and talk to each other with full ears about what changes we can start to make. I’m struggling with being patient but I’m working on it. And I’m letting God help me through this learning process. I am starting to back off and give space where it is needed. I’m working on not being hurt if I don’t get what I want.

          Like

          • peacefulwife
            February 5, 2014 at 7:46 pm #

            Ashleigh,

            I am so glad!

            It is VERY, VERY hard for a wife to back off and give her husband space and time when she longs to connect with him so much. I have been there. Sometimes, we think we are giving space by being quiet for an hour or two – that is what I used to think! But- if you are able to think more in terms of weeks or even months of backing off and giving him space, I think you will be able to get into a more healthy mindset and be prepared for the changes that need to happen. Change doesn’t happen instantly.

            Maybe you can ask your husband what the 3 biggest things are that you could stop doing that would help, and the 3 biggest things that you could start doing, so you don’t try to change everything all at one and get overwhelmed?

            Much love!

            Like

            • Beloved
              February 6, 2014 at 12:37 am #

              In the past year I tried to back off and let God. I repented from idolatry and started to show respect and submission by the grace of God. Today, I am amazed at what God is doing in my marriage. My husband does things that I would not in many years expect him to do to pursue me, like touching me many times a day in a loving way. Tells me I love you more, doing the laundry, He has put my picture in his phone’s wall paper, something that I’ve been dreaming of for years but has not told him about. Letting me use the better car, Wanting me more sexually, making me laugh through his jokes and many more to mention. To God be the glory!!! And thank God for using you April…God bless you

              Like

              • peacefulwife
                February 6, 2014 at 6:22 am #

                Beloved,

                WOW! That is so wonderful! PRAISE GOD! 🙂 Thank you very much for sharing.

                Like

    • JRiani
      February 2, 2014 at 4:15 pm #

      @Ashleigh: Maybe its not you. As a guy, I can tell you that there are a lot of guys that care what society says about them. In our society men are constantly belittled as “sexual animals” that use sex as a weapon against women. The last thing your average man wants is to be seen a sexual animal taking advantage of his wife like prey. We have feminism and its implied “men are sexual deviants” attitude to thank for that.

      Like

    • Catherine
      March 19, 2014 at 11:50 pm #

      @Ashleigh: Whoa…the past is the past. Instead of focusing on your husband, start focusing on developing your relationship with God. Get the book, “Jesus Calling” and an Alanon book called “Courage to Change.” Talk with God and figure out with Him only the things He wants you to change. You cannot be someone you are not. Ask God for forgiveness for your sins. You and God have work to do on you, but only if you want to make changes that make you better–not you into a completely different person. If your husband wants a completely different person, then he should have married someone else.

      Let God work on your husband. It sounds like there are some areas to change there too, but only if your husband seeks the Lord’s advice and wants to change. It takes two people to build the marriage and two people to destroy it. You are not 100% responsible. It is too easy for your husband to say that you are or allow you to feel as if you are so that he can avoid his responsibility of doing his part.

      Like

  30. miss L
    February 6, 2014 at 3:25 am #

    Hello peaceful wife.
    Wow Your post has touched many hearts ..including mine now. & Iv been searching for answers on how to be the best I can for my husband or if I’m doing the wrong things or sayin the wrong things wanting the wrong things. My way and not his way, the second he gets home from work its always about going upstairs to see his family (we moved in after he got out of the marine corps) I’m always on his tail about making me feel like I matter more than anyone to him. Because i do those things for him without asking..And he always takes it the wrong way when i say anything about it.I tell him he doesn’t make me happy when he does these things..but I feel like if I back off from him he’s going to mess everything up or hurt me again. I don’t feel like I have his trust since he broke it and lied to me about getting another womans number right after we had married..But he’s promised me that he would never do anything to hurt me again and he even admited to being wrong and foolish begging for my forgiveness on his knee’s. But still, I have this hurt this scar and ache inside me.that just won’t let me forget what he’d done. That was almost 2 years ago. After that happened we started fighting very badly he verbally and mentally abused me because I’d never let that go.. I took the beatings to my heart and have kept them since. it got so bad that I had to leave to be with my family for a little. Shortly after he followed and did what ever he could to keep me. I know I’ve got a novel going but what my problem is peacefulwife, is that I feel like I’ll never forget what he did. Even with gods help.. I am a strong believer in Christ and my parents are pastors/missionaries but I just have no trust to believe he won’t mess up again. Him. My husband. The man that is supposed to love me.. The man that is not supposed to hurt my heart. Got distracted wearing the ring I put on his wedding finger and deliberately was being unfaithful to our marriage.. Ugh I’m confused I’m weak. I always feel like my husband should be my happiness but I know that’s not true. I need prayer for strength to keep my mouth closed and to be still and pray to god for guidance because I feel not in control of my actions and im causing fights.. He is a good man and i know he loves me but We are both hot headed and stubborn..just want to know will my heart heal

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      February 6, 2014 at 6:49 am #

      Miss L,

      It is great to hear from you! 🙂

      I am VERY, VERY sorry that things have been so painful and difficult.

      So 2 years ago, your husband got another woman’s phone number – and you have fought with him and won’t forgive him and can never trust him again? Is that correct?

      My precious girl!!!!

      When you are a believer in Christ, your trust in not ultimately in your husband. Husbands are wretched sinners just like wives. Your trust is to be 100% in Christ Jesus. You can forgive not because your husband deserves it, but because Jesus forgave YOU for your mountain of sins and because the blood of Christ is sufficient to cover any sin. Thankfully, getting a woman’s phone number and lying about it is forgivable in Christ! Quite honestly, he is probably going to sin against you a whole lot worse than that many times in this marriage. And, it looks like you have already sinned against him a whole lot worse than that, too.

      If Jesus is your LORD – He commands you to forgive or God will not forgive you. Unforgiveness is HUGE SIN. I held on to unforgiveness, resentment and bitterness for many years in our marriage, and I had no idea that what I was doing was – choosing to cherish bitterness instead of Christ.

      Those are my choices. I can have Jesus or I can have my bitterness. I cannot have both.

      Bitterness is ugly, nasty sin that starts as a little root and grows into an evil tree that overtakes my entire soul. It is idolatry of unforgiveness. It is toxic poison. You can search my home page for “bitter” and “bitterness” to read more and “forgiveness.”

      What it appears to me that you are doing is that you may possibly be putting your husband and his behavior in your heart as more important to you than Jesus. I did this, too. And a Fellow Wife, who wrote this post, did that, too. Many, Many wives do this. This is idolatry. There is no greater sin than that. You may also have SELF as an idol, you may be trusting self more than God – I did that, too. And I also had being in control as an idol. I said I trusted Jesus, but I lived as if everything depended on me and I was ultimately responsible for making everything work out “right.” I completely missed the sovereignty of God. I lived in fear, worry, anxiety and loneliness. My pride and self-righteousness and contempt and resentment and bitterness repelled my husband away from me – and it grieved God’s heart so that God did not hear or answer my prayers.

      Turns out, I am a WRETCHED sinner. I didn’t really and truly get that before 5 years ago.

      If you need something to be happy and content in life – and that thing is not Jesus – there is a really good chance that you are committing idolatry.

      It is not your husband’s responsibility to make you happy.

      YOU are responsible for your own emotions and your own contentment and real contentment is only found in Christ. If you find that you are discontent and anxious – that is a very clear sign that you are putting something or more than one thing above Christ in your heart. Idols always bring discontentment, depression, anxiety and fear.

      You cannot have the fruit of God’s Spirit when you are clinging to sin and idols. It is time to lay down all of the sin and to tear out anything that has become more important to you than Jesus, and repent in tears and humbly turn back to Christ.

      You can be content in Him alone. Seek Him alone. He can handle your husband. The more you try to force your husband to do things, the more you destroy your marriage. Rest in God’s love for you. Trust in Christ. He can give you the strength and power to deal with things if your husband sins. And when you are not pressuring and trying to control your husband, amazingly, he is going to be a lot less likely to sin the way you fear he will. Your sin can easily push him into the very sin you fear.

      You have a LOT of sin in your own life to deal with right now. If your husband is like mine, he will probably be pretty forgiving, thankfully!

      Get into God’s Word. Humble yourself before Him. Allow Him to remove every trace of sin. Submit yourself fully to Him as Lord and trust Him with all these things in your life.

      The more your husband feels respected and honored, the more he will care about your feelings. Don’t follow him and scold him for talking to his family first. THANK and APPRECIATE the good things he does. Tell him you are proud of him for being a loving son. Be a SAFE place for him instead of a constant source of negativity, criticisms, lectures and contempt. Smile, Praise the good in him. Beg God to change you into the wife He desires you to be and seek to please God and bless your husband. All the other selfish motives have to go.

      Check out “Signs Your Husband May be Feeling Disrespected” at the top of my home page, and the post about disrespect, respect and biblical submission – and what is attractive/unattractive to husbands.

      You have come to the right place, my friend! If you are ready to do things God’s way, I am glad to walk on this journey with you.

      I’m right here if you have any questions – I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word. 🙂

      Like

      • miss L
        February 6, 2014 at 7:44 am #

        Wow. I can hardly find the words! I’m so ashamed.. I didn’t even think to realize how god would be feeling about the way I’ve been acting, I know he probably has been hurting because I’m not crying out to him for this. thinking I could do this all on my own.. I was so wrong. its So good to hear this from someone who has been through these motions to realize what I’ve been causing in my marriage! I didnt even see the signs! Its like a slap in the face. but I’m thank full for it, and for you. helping me wake up to see the true root to my sin, I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about these insecurities iv been having.. & Now I Truly see that it is selfishness, bitterness and idolatry. I have chosen to put god first. I’m putting my foot down in front of the flesh and asking him for my complete undeserving forgivess. I’m going to constantly seek him humbly and choose prayer instead of giving into my selfishness to choose my route. Thank you lord for awesome loving unselfish caring people like you! I bet that you are at peace. Because you have tlchose to put you strength and trust in Jesus as am I from this day on! I receive that in Jesus name! I will be checking out your links as well as gods word to help guide me through this that I realize now that it is the only way. And I am ready for my storm to calm finally! ❤ thank you so much for making room and time for my sin and worry wife to wife god bless you

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          February 6, 2014 at 8:02 am #

          Miss L,

          How I praise God for what He has done in you this morning!!!!!!!! Woooohoooooo!

          This is why I love allowing God to work through me. Brings me happy tears of joy to see God open women’s eyes like this. I didn’t have anyone to show me my sin, and I continued on in this filth for almost 15 years. I don’t want to see any of my sisters in Christ in this kind of bondage to sin and the enemy.

          Today, Jesus has removed your shackles, opened your prison door and now we can run together into His glorious light, life, freedom, peace and joy!

          This is a long journey. It is the process of sanctification. It is REALLY painful at first to see our sin, but that is the first step. I am right here. You don’t have to do this alone. But as long as you have Jesus, He is truly all you need.

          Let me know if anything is confusing or frustrating, and we will hash through it together. 🙂

          Sending you the biggest hug my precious sister!!!!! The angels in heaven are rejoicing over you today for repenting and returning to Christ!!!!!

          Much love
          April

          Like

          • peacefulwife
            February 6, 2014 at 8:06 am #

            Miss L,

            I would love for you to pray about if I might use these two comments in a post? I believe that God may use your story already to open many other wives’ eyes. 🙂

            No pressure! It is fine whatever you feel is best. 🙂
            Much love,
            April

            Like

            • miss L
              February 6, 2014 at 9:05 am #

              Of course you may share! I would be honored in knowing my story could be helping another. ❤
              And I also thank you dearly for giving me guidance. I'm so sorry to hear that you had none when you were going through your life changing experience but LOOK AT YOU NOW I couldn't have done the things you have on my own.. You are a strong dependent faithful leader in Christs undying word! And that's why you have this precious opportunity and gift to help these men and women in need. I think its breath taking and humble. And with gods trust and strength we all can be like you someday soon!! My prison door is knocked down and my shackles are far behind me for good! I'm choosing his way of life they way he intended it. Fathom it or not its the only way and I see that now more than ever I can't thank you enough for your encouragement and kindness. The only thing I could ask more is to please please pray for me only because I am surrounded by people who don't know Christ & are very opposed to it. These are hurting people that won't admit it. They have foul mouthes and are my family too now. I have a two year old daughter, crimson. She is my joy and what's brought me here today. God blessed me with her because I couldn't tell you where I'd be if I hadn't had her sent from above. God knew what I needed. My little one listens to everything we say as well.. So please pray with methat god works through them from me to see the good in what Christ has for them! Thank you so much April. It brings tears to my eyes knowing the heavens are rooting for me I'm praising god for his anointing on my life!

              Like

              • peacefulwife
                February 6, 2014 at 10:12 am #

                Miss L,

                The only good in me is from Jesus. On my own, I am nothing but a wretched, prideful, arrogant, idolatrous, gossiping, people-pleasing, self-righteous, disrespectful, rebellious, stubborn, unforgiving, wicked sinner.

                God has done amazing things in my life. Yes. By His power alone. Not by ANYTHING that I have contributed.

                It is breath taking and humbling!

                Thank you for allowing me to share your story!

                I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for you!

                Check out “Don’t Expect Outside Support”

                I pray for God to finish the good work He has begun in you, my sweet sister! What an important day today is in your life – a new chapter begins!

                Much love!

                Like

              • peacefulwife
                February 19, 2014 at 8:20 pm #

                miss L,
                How are things going? I am praying for you, my precious sister! 🙂

                Like

          • peacefulwife
            February 7, 2014 at 7:56 am #

            Miss L,

            And – I should have said this the other day – I am SO SO SO SO SO sorry for what a difficult time you have had and the pain you have been through these past two years.

            Like

            • Jackie
              March 12, 2014 at 4:42 pm #

              Hi April,

              I want to say thank you for your words. I’m not married, so a lot of this doesn’t exactly pertain to me and my boyfriend but I’ve learned a lot about myself this morning reading your blog.

              Here’s a little about my story: My boyfriend Jon and I have been together for 10 months now and we started living together in mid January. Our past relationships have not been the healthiest so this is new for both of us. We’ve also both been single for years prior to our relationship so we’re both a little “rusty.” We have a pretty solid foundation. We just click… and I can talk to him about anything. He’s very stable and fun. We go to church and are learning about living a Christian life together. We were both raised in church and have strayed… so we’re learning a lot coming back. He is amazing and I feel so blessed to have him in my life.

              Lately it seems though, I’m becoming super demanding for affection from him and I’m trying to figure out why. He wasn’t raised in an affectionate home like I was, and he is not much of a cuddler (as I am) so that’s been a little hard for me to adjust to… but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I think maybe I’m doing the controlling thing because in my past (unhealthy) relationships, getting affection was the only time I felt loved. In the end, I see that I’m not respecting him by doing this and that just pushes him away. I do NOT want to sabotage this relationship out of fear!

              We got in a big fight last night and he’s out of town for work until Friday. I’m thinking the timing happened this way so I can work on myself while we have some time apart. God has a reason for this, and I’m so happy He had me stumble across your blog!

              Someone on your comments recommended the book Love and Respect which I’ve looked at. This is helpful for me to learn about my faults and how to be a solid Christian woman. However, not everything applies to us as we’re not married.

              Do you know of any books about this that aren’t meant for married couples? Any advice?

              Thank you so much!

              Jackie

              Like

              • peacefulwife
                March 13, 2014 at 6:48 am #

                Jackie,

                It’s great to meet you!
                I’m so excited that you want to build a godly foundation for your relationship! 🙂

                I would suggest searching my blog for posts about:
                – idolatry
                – idols
                – insecurity
                – security
                – I Want to Feel Loved
                – Jesus Lord

                I also have a blog for single women http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com

                Please keep in mind that if you want to put Jesus first and live with Him as Lord, it will mean completely submitting all of yourself to Him, laying everything in your life before Him, holding things loosely in your hands, allowing Him to call the shots. And it will mean being willing to give up any sin as you desire to walk in obedience to Him as Lord. We cannot live with Him as Lord and continue to walk in known sin.

                The sins I had to repent of were things like:

                – idolatry of myself, of having control, of my husband, of my happiness, of wanting to feel loved (I realized I put all of these things above Christ in my heart).
                – bitterness, resentment
                – unforgiveness
                – PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE – thinking I knew better than my husband, better than everyone, better than God, really
                – self-righteousness – I looked down on my husband and others as if I was better than they were
                – gossip
                – jealousy
                – hatred

                If you want to build your relationship on Christ, and, even more importantly, you want to build your own life on Christ, then, you will want to either go ahead and get married to your boyfriend ASAP or move out and commit to sexual purity until you marry. Building a relationship on anything but God’s design and His wisdom is sinking sand.

                I have heard a number of single women talk about “Lady in Waiting” being a very helpful book for Christian women before marriage.

                Much love to you! I am so excited about what God is doing in your life!

                Like

  31. Eva
    February 9, 2014 at 7:36 am #

    My Husband t for figure new job back to his country during the time we alywas have big arque but always end with sorry and loving chat . but now he not talk to me for 5 days and he sent text to my brother who beg him to call me as im sick he said he decided to end it . but why he never talk to me bout it , he had mention it but after that we seems ok , he was cries in 4 aclock in the morning call me over skype and said how much he sad coz im hurt even he always tried to make me happy , he ever block me from whatapp and skype , but only today i saw him which mean he unblock me , i feel like i want to kill my self which is i try before and he call me and stop me and criesss for it . i dont know what in her mind now , is he realy want to divorce or what

    I pack my things we move the things from our rent house as we plan to move to his country . he even call for cargo handling help ,. i dont understand how it works

    i text him over skype and whatapp said that if he decided it and lets talk as wife and husband as we still . i said just call me when u have time and u want to , even im so hurt and really bad hurt i just want to know the truth .

    Is that really he switch his heart in 3 days? really i dont know what to do now .

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      February 9, 2014 at 8:01 am #

      Eva,

      Are you ok? If you are thinking of hurting yourself, please reach out for help now!!!!

      Do you Have a relationship with Jesus Christ? He can heal your heart, my precious girl!!!!!

      What is it your husband is sad about?

      He feels he cannot make you happy?

      Why are you unhappy?

      Much love to you!
      April

      Like

  32. DaisyMae
    February 10, 2014 at 9:09 am #

    This is still the area that I struggle the most! I just crave affection. My husband did too in the beginning of our relationship but now acts like he could take it or leave it. I back away for a while and then he will start to come towards me and be affectionate and then I start smothering again and he shows annoyance.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      February 10, 2014 at 1:31 pm #

      DaisyMae,
      It can take some time of overshooting one way, then the other, to find the right balance. 🙂

      Like

      • me
        February 10, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

        I too crave affection. I bought two adorable teddy bears. I have 5 pet rabbits. A dog. My husband became jealous of me snuggling with all these things that he now joins in.

        Like

  33. Karey
    February 19, 2014 at 8:34 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and convictions. This has helped keep me from making a huge mistake with my husband. I will trust in God, and my marriage.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      February 20, 2014 at 6:06 am #

      Karey,
      How wonderful! Thank You, God, that this post has been such a blessing for you. I’m thrilled to hear that you plan to trust God and your marriage and focus on pleasing and honoring Christ. I’m right here if you want to talk!

      Like

  34. Tristan
    February 19, 2014 at 8:46 pm #

    Where can I find your other posts…I think it may be my phone that wont show them, because I cant find them????

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      February 20, 2014 at 6:05 am #

      Tristan,
      Are there other specific posts you are looking for? 🙂

      Like

  35. E
    February 20, 2014 at 2:58 am #

    I think the Lord wants me to read your blog – it keeps coming up, day after day, as the first hit every time I sit down to the computer to search for answers to what’s happening in my marriage.

    I don’t want to share too much here, but suffice it to say that my husband no longer loves me, wishes he could divorce me, is in love with another woman and is angry he cannot Biblically have her, and has made it very clear that he is only staying in our relationship for the children.

    I recently read Love and Respect and realized my great many errors over the 15 years of our marriage. I desperately want to change, but several months of trying have been fruitless. I know I am the problem, and it hurts deeply.

    I wanted to thank you for your open posts and honest writing. It allows me to feel that perhaps I am not so utterly lost and even believe that perhaps there is still hope.

    My question today is – when you know that a dreary face and a down-trodden attitude is NEVER going to be attractive to your husband, but you cannot bring yourself to smile and act bubbly, how do you put a smile on and treat your husband with a respectful cheerfulness? I am trying so hard but I have always been so open with my feelings I struggle awfully with hiding them.

    (I do know that main answer, of course, is to find my joy in the Lord – and to a degree, I do. When I’m in the Word or in prayer or worship, I feel a great deal of joy. It just doesn’t carry over to when my husband walks in the door – try as I might.)

    Thank you in advance for any advice you might have.

    E

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      February 20, 2014 at 6:14 am #

      E,

      It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂 I am SO sorry to hear about what a painful situation you and your husband are in right now. 😦 It sounds like your husband has his own sin issues, as well. You are not responsible for his sin, only for yours. But as you focus on becoming the woman God wants you to be – the floodgates of heaven will open up and pour the power of God into your life and your marriage. If God is going to heal your marriage, and I believe He sure can, then, He may want to start with you. 🙂

      I am so excited that you are open to listening to what God wants to share with you. I believe you will find much healing here in Christ.

      How is your relationship with Jesus going?

      What do you have to have to be happy in this life?

      What are your goals and purposes in life?

      What are your greatest fears?

      The key here is that you have to have the power and Spirit of God overflowing in your soul to be able to extend joy and cheerfulness genuinely.

      Check out the prayer today about consecration. That is the goal to aim for! Total devotion and submission to Christ.

      Much love to you! And a huge hug. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you. 🙂

      Another resource that may be helpful:
      Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Keller

      Like

  36. m
    February 23, 2014 at 1:57 am #

    Hi, i found this blog and am seriously lost!.. my husband of 2 yrs has since been emotionally absent and checked out of our marriage and family… i am at a loss i dnt know how to change our situation…at this time we are on trial separation which he has been wanting since 2 weeks ago..im devastated, hurt and think that all hope is lost..pls help me..i want to save my marriage! I trully love him, but i feel he has found someone new..i am hoping to be wrong on this.
    Thank you.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      February 26, 2014 at 6:27 am #

      M,

      It is great to meet you! I believe you are in the right place.

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?

      Please check out this post – and the ones at the bottom of it, and then we can go from there!

      Jesus IS able to heal you, my precious girl! And He may heal your marriage, too. If He is going to do that, He will start by radically changing you first. 🙂

      Much love!

      Like

      • leelizyoungblood
        March 1, 2014 at 1:11 pm #

        M, be encouraged that God can heal your marriage. We too were at a dark place around our second year of marriage. Separated, emotionally distant etc. I could not believe it. It was over in my mind. I couldn’t change him. God miraculously saved our marriage and we are stronger than ever now (married almost 5 yrs now). My husbands priorities were work at that time and my priorities were controlling and redirecting his priorities. While I still deal with insecurity from time to time I can say that my husband is now a very healthy opposite and his family comes first. This was an act of God. Not me! I tried so hard to change him the first two years that he pulled away. When this realization came to me I set back and was made aware that I had to change. I don’t know your circumstances. But I will be praying for you. Please reach out if I can help.
        Liz

        Like

    • Catherine
      March 19, 2014 at 11:54 pm #

      Take it to the alter again and again. Keep asking Jesus to take this situation from you because you are helpless and do not know what to do. If there are children, love them with gusto and fill the spaces minding their well being. God will take care of the rest.

      Like

  37. leelizyoungblood
    March 1, 2014 at 1:06 pm #

    Why didn’t I read this before I texted my husband to reprimand him for not making sure I was feeling better before he left for fishing this morning? I was so hurt that he was so excited about this trip that he didn’t seem to care about me enough, when I was up all night ill. All About me again. Quite a convicting post and very Re-eye opening. Feel like I daily need these reminders. I hate being the controlling wife. I want more than anything to just “not care” about things so much. To not be overly sensitive and make him feel like he has to choose his words and actions perfectly to please me. Ugh. What a battle.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 1, 2014 at 8:00 pm #

      Liz,

      Yes, it is a battle. I had to read reminders daily for years to get all of this through my head!!! :). And now, I write about it daily, so it definitely stays very fresh in my mind. That is a blessing!

      Maybe next time you can tell him you hope he has a great time?

      Maybe tonight you can ask him to tell you all about it and apologize for any wrong attitude you had and enjoy hearing about his trip?

      I hope you feel better soon!! 🙂

      Like

  38. leelizyoungblood
    March 2, 2014 at 2:55 pm #

    Geez I feel like a failure this weekend! I am a great wife (ha!) until my insecurities flare up. I am so tired of giving into them but do not know how to stop my feeling. I cannot hold them back from my husband. I want to swallow them and just trust…him and God. It’s like I’m in a battle with myself to follow and trust. Almost feels like I physically and mentally cannot hold back my feelings. I could use prayer. Pray that I would trust my husband and show it better. Many times my answer is that I do trust him I just don’t trust other women. It is such a battle for me. Prayers are appreciated.

    Like

  39. PamW
    March 2, 2014 at 11:22 pm #

    I think I understand the basic concept here and it certainly is a valid point and one that is not going to be heard or seen unless you are listening to a sermon or teaching.
    However what I keep banging up against is the simple fact that my husband just doesn’t need as much contact or affection as I do. If I don’t nudge him in some way, he easily forgets or just doesn’t realize that I am unhappy and it is for a valid reason. He tends to think that I ought to feel like or think like him and if he is comfortable in the relationship I should be too.
    Yes, he does tend to take any nudges as negative and as criticism but if I say and do nothing I feel I am setting myself up for an emotional meltdown when I just get plain old worn out and feel ignored.
    What is an acceptable way to communicate a female need to my husband? I find it almost impossible to be interested in getting physical with him when he has been distant with me and I also find that what I think of as being distant he sees as perfectly normal and acceptable.
    What is a good way to handle this?

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 3, 2014 at 6:28 am #

      PamW,

      It’s totally fine to ask for what you need – generally with a pleasant tone of voice, a smile and no pressure. Usually, as husbands feel more and more respected over time, they begin to care a lot more about their wives’ needs and feelings. I have a Youtube video about How to Ask Your Husband for Things So He Wants to Say Yes. My channel is “April Cassidy.”

      If he is open to reading a book – which many men are not, and that is ok – you could each read Shaunti and Jeff Feldhan’s books “For Men Only” and “For Women Only.” Those books help us understand the other gender so much better!

      If he wants to be physical and you don’t feel connected enough, you can say, “I would LOVE to have sex with you. I need to feel a bit more emotionally connected first, could we talk and cuddle for about 30 minutes first, please? Then I’m all yours!”

      Much love!
      April

      Like

  40. Grace
    March 3, 2014 at 9:20 am #

    The type of wife this post describes is common – I’ve been her before. I found a book that helped me understand my love style immensely – it’s How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. The book helped make my marriage issues less personal, once I understood that we have different ways of connecting. Highly recommended!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 3, 2014 at 9:45 am #

      Grace,
      Thank you so much! That sounds very interesting. 🙂 Yes, MANY, MANY wives struggle with this exact same battle.

      Like

  41. Katie
    March 7, 2014 at 7:39 am #

    I don’t consider myself a religious person honestly but I came across this and I am in tears. I think I finally understand why my husband is pushing me away. It is NOT going to be easy, but I now know that the one thing I have been unable to do is the one thing I HAVE to do in order to save my marriage. Here’s hoping I’m not too late, and thank you for your honest and straight forward words. You may have just saved a marriage and kept a family together.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 7, 2014 at 9:16 am #

      Katie,

      When we make our husband the most important thing in our life – an “idol” – the last thing we want to do is let go of that. We want him to be responsible for our happiness and to make us feel loved the way we want him to and to feel romance. It is almost universal today that wives make their husbands, feeling loved, being happy and romance into idols – things that are more important to us than God.

      God is able to give you the power to tear out this idol. The only way I know to do it is through building our lives on Christ and finding our love, acceptance, worth, identity, peace, strength, courage, purpose and power in Him.

      I am so excited about what God is showing you – and I am always glad to hear from you and walk beside you on this journey!

      Much love, sweet friend!

      Like

  42. Trev
    March 18, 2014 at 11:35 am #

    I am a man (of course) and have been counselor, pastor, etc. You say you have no wisdom, I disagree strongly. I think simply by what I have read here that perhaps even one day your wisdom will define you. It is a gift from Almighty.

    This blog I just read ia extremely on the money and will bring fresh insight to most who read it…..even men, who while reading it will think, “Yeah, that makes sense. That’s why I’m like that.”

    It will simply click for them since they probably have never given any thought as to why they are getting upset or r frustrated with there wives approach, or even feel repelled by it at times. Its not that we don’t want to love our wives openly, but its got to be on our own terms, or our own heart and even our own creativity. I know with my wife, who has come leaps and bounds over the years, that there were specific times when I was just going into the kitchen to give her a huge embrace from behind while she was doing dishes and before I even had a chance to she would start complaining that I don’t hug her anymore. That blew it for me. I simply left the room and was keeping a purposeful amount of distance until I got my
    head rewired after a few moments.

    Anyway. Be encouraged. You are doing a greatly need thing here. Hearing it from a pastor or counselor doesn’t quite hit home like it does coming from a simple and humble wife with her own shortcomings. 🙂

    Be blessed,
    Trev

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 18, 2014 at 11:54 am #

      Trev,

      Thank you so much for sharing!

      I wonder if I might share some of your comment on today’s post, please?

      Thank you!

      Like

    • Marie
      March 18, 2014 at 12:42 pm #

      Trev,Aprils blog changed my life and saved my marriage. I was going to leave less than a year ago. What a huge wound that would have caused us and our kids. Hard to believe it was all my ungodly attitude causeing my misery.

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        March 18, 2014 at 1:11 pm #

        Marie,

        That was totally a God thing! I am so thankful for all He has done in you! 🙂

        Like

  43. stephanie
    March 21, 2014 at 4:23 pm #

    Im 23 years old, my partner and i hace been together 5 years and have had 3 babies together. He has proposed and i of course accepted. But now i feel like everything is jyst an oblifation. He says he loves me and hes loyal but we dont have any true emotional bonds. I tell him how if eel and he automatically gets frustrated and shuts down. I can cry and he acta like he doesnt know. He says he cant be himself that he feels pressured. Im not sure if this is going to work,

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 21, 2014 at 5:11 pm #

      Stephanie,

      It is wonderful to meet you!

      Congratulations on your engagement. 🙂

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What is his relationship with Christ?

      I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page to help you discover the mysterious world of how men think – the posts about disrespect and respect are especially good places to start.

      It is possible that the approach may be the main issue.

      Much love to you!

      Like

  44. shiwe
    March 23, 2014 at 2:27 pm #

    wow this is really helpful. exactly what I have been doing and was wondering why my husband withdraws so much from me. thanks a lot.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 23, 2014 at 3:48 pm #

      Shiwe,
      I am so glad this was helpful for you :). I can’t what to see what God is about to do in your life.

      Like

  45. Debbie Kulbeth
    April 18, 2014 at 8:48 am #

    Good morning, what a beautiful message you are sending out! The Lord lead me to see this … it is a confirmation for what He has been reminding me of lately. I sooo agree with you! Years ago, my husband left for work one morning … I was so sad because I’m a stay home mom, and I knew when he left I wouldn’t be able to talk to him all day. I needed so much more from him, like friendship, communication. As I cried so hard the Lord said, in my heart, “Let Me be your husband” I want to talk with you … He had already showed me that He was my Father and fulfilled that need GREATLY! Now He was saying, Let Me be your husband too! I started reading His Word, like the Love Letter it is to me, and I talked and listened … I allowed myself to be Ruth with Boaz, my Redeemer! I believed I was sooo wanted, so desired, so welcome, so longed for, so enjoyed … I let Jesus be my husband! I didn’t neglect or disrespect my natural husband, I just had found fulfillment in my forever, familiar Friend!!! My natural husband had to come outside to find me … I’d be gazing at the stars for hours while he watched sports. In the winter he would look for me in my office where he’d hear love songs … love for Jesus songs. My husband started wanting to go with me to shop, to eat out, etc. I didn’t need that anymore and it was so obvious … I try to enjoy what I once thought I couldn’t live without. I am fulfilled, sooo wanted by Jesus minded that I have allowed my natural husband to take of me only what he wants. Remember that country song, “She Looks so Good in Love” ? I know I glow … I have found the love of my life and I’m sooo wanted!!! I have a happy husband and I am a joyful wife and mother of children! Who makes me so fulfilled? The One that wants me like no one else is even able!!! Thank you for letting me share back with you, Peacefulwife! You have a very beautiful message! Thank you for your tender, caring heart!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      April 18, 2014 at 8:54 am #

      Debbie,
      How wonderful to hear how you are finding contentment and joy in Christ! I praise God for what He is doing in your life! Thank you for sharing and you are always welcome here and welcome to share all that you are learning. 🙂

      Like

  46. James
    April 20, 2014 at 4:03 am #

    Hi – I’m neither Christian or a woman but a loving husband. I’ve found this after searching the internet about the whole distancer and pursuer position. My wife and I are in the same scenario at the moment where I am the pursuer constantly seeking the things you mentioned above. I’m trying to be patient but it is SO hard, I hang on every word or smile hoping that it will improve – I feel incredibly sad and down but am trying to stay patient. The late evenings and early mornings are the most difficult as all I want is a kiss or hug. I work part time for myself which causes me to be isolated and my wife is full time this changed a year ago and has placed lots of pressure on my wife: I’m trying to understand her and want to wait; I know this means giving space(this is what she asked for) and she has told me she still loves me.
    Thank you fort writing this post as it gives me more strength to be patient.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      April 20, 2014 at 8:12 am #

      James,
      It is very hard to desire affection and be told to give space.

      I’m glad that this post was helpful for you. I pray for God’s wisdom, peace and joy for you and for healing for your heart.

      Like

  47. Barbara
    April 25, 2014 at 4:50 pm #

    My husbands lack of affection and passion has caused such an extreme amount of suffering in me for many years. I have 2 options since talking to him, counseling and constantly working to be a respectful wife has thus far failed. 1. I end the marriage therefore ending the pain 2. I destroy the intensity of my need therefore being satisfied with an otherwise wonderful husband.
    I will be honest, I have tried for years to change me because I know I can’t change him, but I have failed every time. Could I just be geared for this? Is it really so wrong to demand something so right? I want to do this because divorce would devastate our children, but how? And why does the thought of letting go make me so angry?

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      April 25, 2014 at 5:41 pm #

      Barbara,

      How my heart breaks for you. I can definitely feel the pain in your words. 😦

      I believe there is another option you haven’t seen.

      How is your relationship with Christ going?

      With love,
      April

      Like

  48. Barbara
    April 25, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

    Ten years ago was the first time I tried to put to death my insatiable need for affection and attention and passion and let go of my expectations of him in that. He truly is a good man and a good husband every other way. I have tried dozens of times and have failed miserably. Truthfully, I am suffering from this in a way so grand that I am embarrassed to tell anyone. I am so lonely and feel so rejected, it literally tears me up inside! When I am not trying to change me, I am trying a thousand ways to get him to meet my needs. I have to say though, that I am careful. I taught a class on love and respect to 16 wives! I never raised my voice, belittled or demanded. I would reason, share, cry. But I got to the point where I brought it up at least once a week! I couldn’t keep silent because I was so desperate to be free from the pain and I knew my husband held the key. The key was in a kiss now and then, words, passionate initiation of intimacy instead of the common “You in the mood?”, a compliment here and there… ANYTHING !! Instead, he would either tell me my needs are storybook like, unreasonable. Until… He committed adultery and I left him. For God and the children, I came back to try to save the marriage. For one year, he met every need. For one year, I knew love. For one year our marriage had emotional connection even though healing was horrible 😦 Then, our child was born and he ripped his love away from me again. He is capable, I saw it. My self esteem took a massive fall. For the last year, I can’t talk about affection and such without him becoming defensive and us getting farther apart. I have begun to think of divorce because I don’t know how to live with such a cold man. He says the other things he does should be enough. I can’t make it be enough. How do I do this? I’m angry that he would withhold small things and put me in the position of painfully trying to let go. I’m trying but I am growing resentful. I don’t have the right heart here and I don’t know if what you wrote is possible? What about love languages? Could it be that someone like me cannot be happy in a marriage with out passion? I can’t divorce him, our 5 children will suffer. But I can’t stay with the way things are, I am dying inside and physically affected as well. Please help me understand, where has the enemy deceived me?

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      April 25, 2014 at 10:50 pm #

      Barbara,

      Goodness, it sounds so difficult. 😦

      What is your relationship with Christ like lately?

      With love
      April

      Like

      • Barbara
        April 26, 2014 at 7:51 am #

        Dear April,
        It’s much better now, although i will honestly say that I am lacking in passion myself for Christ. The last 2 years have been the most difficult in my life. First, my husbands infidelity was unexpected and devastating and we stepped down as leaders at out church. Our church family began to treat my husband differently and things got very uncomfortable and when my husband reached out for help for the first time ever, no one returns his calls. We were shocked. Our teenage children begged us to find another church, so eventually we did but we are uninvolved. 3 months later I became my fathers caretaker, 3 months later I became pregnant which brought such joy because we had tried for years. 6 months later I began dealing with horrible migraines and body pain and had to go on bed rest. Gave birth to an amazing baby boy, but launched a fibromyalgia flare up and an arthritis flare up. We have always served others but when I developed PPD, I reached out for small assistance and no one had time. My father died 6 months later. It was difficult, but not how you’d think. He was a terrible man, abusive and was involved in witchcraft. I spent months trying to get him to renounce those things, but he didn’t. And he continued to reject me until his death. I tried to make peace with him, but he didn’t want it so I just had to have peace with the fact that I did what God asked me too. Now we are 6 months after and I know I struggled with depression on and off the last two years and last month I realized that I was angry with God because I felt abandoned by him. I’m still disciplined in my faith, I am still blessed by small blessing. I can still hear that still small voice. But, something is missing. I am not sure what to do, so I pray. I think I am having rejection issues maybe. From my father, my husband and maybe God? I’m not sure. Right now I can barely walk without extreme pain and have no choice but to take daily pain medication. I pray constantly for healing, but my body gets worse. Just as I write this, my face is numb from a complex migraine and I can feel my back muscles spasming. I guess with God, I feel abandoned, unsure what else I can do. And honestly, I am exhausted. I have just enough strength that I am proud to say that I am a good mom and wife. I determine every day not to allow my pain to keep me in bed. But I will confess that even through ALL that, nothing has hurt me more than not being sure of my husbands love. I truly and honestly love him deeply. I’m sorry for such a winded response. I didn’t know the answer so I was trying to find the answer by writing down the truth as I see it. I still don’t know the answer lol. I will end with this… My husband and I hardly ever argue and we are good friends. It’s a shame how unhappy I get depending on how my husband treats me. I want to stop making my husband an idol, but I don’t know how. I’m embarrassed by how dysfunctional this post sounds, I have never been a weak and weepy woman. I just can’t get passed this. I want to FEEL my husbands love and somehow it has taken over my life. Please be honest with me, don’t sugar coat 🙂 I’m an honest person and I respect and respond to the same. I need a huge dose of truth so that I know where to direct my focus.
        With love, Barbara

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          April 27, 2014 at 6:34 am #

          Barbara,

          My sweet sister! How I wish I could hug your neck!!!!!!!!

          I hope you might search my blog at my home page for:
          – idol
          – idolatry
          – lead
          – leader
          – discontentment
          – contentment
          – insecurity
          – security
          – expectations
          – stages of this journey

          You have had quite a difficult 2 years to be sure. It sounds to me like your family has been under spiritual attack.

          What does your husband say that he needs? How is his walk with Christ at this point?

          Is it possible for you to seek godly counsel elsewhere since your church has not been able to support you :(.

          I would also encourage you to listen to as many David Platt sermons as possible at http://www.radical.net or on Youtube.
          http://youtu.be/eUV-gxg4Ax4 – this one is about finding REST in Christ

          I would also suggest:
          – biblical manhood and womanhood
          – the cross and suffering
          – angels, demons and spiritual warfare
          – who is God?
          – finding God’s will for your life

          You CAN ABSOLUTELY find peace in Christ alone no matter what your husband does or does not do. You can lay down your expectations of your husband and look to Christ to find your purpose, peace, love, joy, fulfillment, acceptance, hope, power and identity.

          It may be a matter of examining every motive and desire in your heart, removing the ones that are not based on Scripture and any ungodliness and then rebuilding from scratch on Christ alone and His Word. That is what I had to do, for sure.

          You are responsible for your own happiness. Your husband is not responsible for your emotions or your spiritual growth. That responsibility belongs to you. You can reclaim that and stop expecting your husband to be responsible to “make you happy” and focus on finding all of your joy in Christ. It is hard. It is painful to die to self and scary at first to fully submit to Christ – but that is the way to peace, joy and overwhelmingly abundant life.

          I am excited about what God desires to do in your life, my sweet friend!

          Much love!
          April

          Like

  49. Roxy
    May 2, 2014 at 5:40 pm #

    Hello ladies, I’m heart broken and confused, I have found escort services numbers on our phone bills and have confronted my husband, he does this thing where at the beginning he’s upset at me then tells me that it wasn’t him, then tells me that we must try to make our relationship better. We’ve been together for 7 years and married for 2. I have prayed to God for guidance, because I am a control freak and I need to come down from all the pride and resentment that is in my heart. My father was verbally abusive with my mother, and some of that abuse rubbed up on me too. I’ve tried to get my husband to go to church with me or have a men’s church fellowship, but it is useless. He also has a problem dealing with alcohol, is not really an addiction because he doesn’t drink everyday but when he does, he gets too drunk and often gets caught doing bad things, like urinating in the streets, crashing our car, stuff like that. At this point I’m so confused, and scared, if he’s cheating on me he might bring another disease into our home. I know my demanding and controlling attitude has attributed to the damage in our marriage, but I’ve started praying for God’s hands to come into our marriage and work on both of us. However I’m not sure if it is even healthy for me to stick around if he doesn’t even fear God?? I love him and I’m so afraid of losing him that I think i have become a sponge just taking everything he does and accepting it by not turning away and break off once and for all. He knows I love him and takes advantage of it. Please advise!!! God Bless.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      May 2, 2014 at 7:40 pm #

      Roxy,
      Goodness. 😦

      If he is calling escort services and has a significant alcohol problem – which he does, from what you have shared – please seek godly, biblical counsel. I believe you may need outside help here. The Salvation Army has programs to help people with alcoholism. AA, of course, may help. And you can contact Al-Anon for resources for you.

      It is NOT ok for a husband to contact an escort service. It is not ok to get drunk and crash the car.

      God is able to heal and transform even the most broken marriages. Thankfully!

      Check out my video about what causes women to become controlling. You can not change your husband. But you can work on yourself and get yourself straight with God, and God can give you wisdom and power to know how to handle this difficult situation. But you still may need some outside assistance, as well.

      You are welcome here. I don’t write specifically for wives in these kinds of extreme circumstances, but if you want to focus on yourself and your walk with Christ, I do believe you can find a lot of help and hope here.

      Much love!

      Like

      • kathy
        May 2, 2014 at 7:50 pm #

        Thanks so much, God bless.

        Like

  50. Ferneita Arthurs
    May 14, 2014 at 1:23 pm #

    This really motivates me a lot as I might be doing some of the above, in regards to our communication pattern, but if am correct, I must say I need to be more, calm, relaxed, patient, and more trustworthy towards my husband, I believe in God and all things are possible with him, he knows what’s best for us. I would love for you to contact me so I can relate to you. Thanks very much for your post.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      May 14, 2014 at 7:02 pm #

      Ferneita,
      I am praying for God’s wisdom for you!

      How is your walk with Christ going? 🙂

      Like

  51. Lole
    May 15, 2014 at 6:50 am #

    Hi this
    Im a Christian, can relate to a lot of whats spoken of here, when my husband and I met, i got saved first, he got saved 10 years later, only because God said I had to let go and trust him with the relationship, when i did that he got saved, but it still wasnt easy, as i also thoughgt I was the perfect christian wife, but when i went to bible college, it was like God had to operate on my mind, i was pushing him away with me wanting to happy and look to him for happiness, when God said, you need to fall in love with me, you cant change your husband, you got to change YOU! after 15 years of being a Christian i finally got it, i saw the change in him when i started changing, we have been together 20 years married for 12years, but marriage is hard work and now God has restored my marriage, my husband is now encouraging me and loves reading His Word, he’s a man of very few words, but I had to learn the hard way, and had to repent, and i never thought I would see the day, he would completely fall in love with JESUS, I was always the one that was involved in church, and ministry, and went to Bible college for three years, and yet God is teaching him the Word, and revealing himself to my husband in our own living room, thats my husbands classroom. I was just getting in the way, yet im so blessed everyday, that my husband now is learning by the power the Holy Spirit, ive seend God move in his life like he is a man that God Favors and now he’s impacting our community with his gifts and talents, he’s showing me up big time! but his background was in drugs, you name it now he preaches to me! wouldnt have it any other way, Be encouraged ladies, Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be ADDED to you!
    Pray for your husband, speak life over him, always believe the best, seek wise counselling, Sometimes we make mistakes in the partners that we seek and end up marrying them when they werent chosen from God. If your in that situation only God can reveal to you what you need to do and he can set you on a path back to life know that we make mistakes but God doesnt. God bless

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      May 15, 2014 at 8:49 am #

      Lole,
      WOW!

      Thank you so much for sharing! Would you please allow me to share this on my PW FB page? I LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing God working in people’s lives. This is beautiful and powerful. THANK YOU!

      Like

  52. Taelynn
    May 18, 2014 at 12:03 am #

    I. NEEDED. THIS. I’m am going through this right now with my husband! I have been so broken over it and after praying about it I stumbled across this post. I am now going to change my controlling ways and purely focus on Christ.

    I just have one last problem, how can I get my husband into church more? He was pretty much brought up in church but for a few years now he doesn’t go. If I say something to him about it he gets offended like I’m judging him but I’m not. His relationship and openness with God is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. Any suggestions?

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      May 18, 2014 at 7:09 am #

      Taelynn,

      It is great to meet you!
      You can’t really force him to go or “get him” to go. I Peter 3:1-6 is your assignment from God in such a situation.

      Is there a church he likes, go with him to that one. Let him choose the church. Does he have a relationship with Christ?

      You can search the following terms on my home page and read the posts, I think they will help you a lot in this issue!

      – leader
      – lead
      – husband is not a good spiritual leader
      – husband won’t lead
      – husband pray
      – husband spiritual
      – when I shut up my husband heard God

      Let me know if that helps or if you need more info!

      Like

      • Taelynn
        May 18, 2014 at 4:57 pm #

        Thank you for replying! Here lately, it just seems like I annoy him so I try to limit interaction with him unless he initiates it. I’ve read a couple of the posts you suggested and they are very helpful! I’m just gonna pray and continue to give my marriage to God.

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          May 18, 2014 at 9:25 pm #

          Taelynn,

          Fewer words are probably better right now if he has been feeling controlled or smothered or you came across as very needy before.

          Your plan is the best one there is. Pray. Trust Christ. Allow Him to transform you. Focus on Him.

          Much love!

          Like

  53. Liz caffery
    June 5, 2014 at 5:01 pm #

    Well tonight at dinner I discovered my husband feels held back by me , he runs his own business and works on average 13 hours a day . We have been married 5 years and have our first baby on the way in September . My husband feels he should be doing more entertaining of clients and travelling but because he knows I won’t like it he doesn’t do it. I know I am domineering and controlling at times and really need to deal with that but I don’t know how to step back without closing myself off to avoid feeling hurt , at the moment I feel like the only way to protect my feelings is to back away from him and not give as much as I do but I want to as he is my husband and I love him. When he goes out I can’t help feeling resentful . He also has a 15 year old son and he himself comes from a large family and I’m not good at sharing , do I start doing more on my own and back away ? That would upset me as I feel marriage is meant to be a partnership.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      June 5, 2014 at 6:39 pm #

      Liz,

      I can definitely understand that the idea of backing off feels scary and very painful.
      What are your current expectations?

      How much entertaining and business traveling does he want to do or feel that he needs to do?

      How do you respond to him when he leaves?

      How do you expect him to respond to your resentment and bitterness?

      What are your greatest fears?

      How is your relationship with Christ going?

      Much love to you!
      April

      Like

  54. WillingToTry
    June 7, 2014 at 1:45 am #

    I am willing to start this new journey with God and my husband. Here’s a little background story: My husband and i got married young. I was 18 and he Was 21. We only have been married for a year and a half and things are downhill. WE both put our focus elsewhere and Christ was put out of our marriage. Now all we do is argue and I’m constantly finding out things that my husband has been doing. Like texting other females, and watching porn, and having lustful dreams of other women also. He had been very distant in my pregnancy. (I’m 37 weeks now) I noticed now after reading this post that I have put my husband up to higher standards where Christ should be. I will start to pursue Christ way more and my husband less. My fear is that he will continue to be distant and eventually he’ll cheat or leave. But I’m trusting God in what ever plans he has for me.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      June 7, 2014 at 7:15 am #

      WillingToTry,

      I am so sorry to hear about how very painful things have been in your marriage. 😦 How I pray God will draw you each to Himself. You may want to look at the posts under the category
      “win him without a word” on the right side of my home page. And, “respecting a husband who isn’t a believer.” I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s command for wives in a situation like this. You cannot argue, verbally drag, preach, criticize or lecture your husband to God. But he will notice a genuinely respectful attitude and the fruit of God’s Spirit in your life if he is able to hear anything. (Galatians 5:22-23). If he is cheating on you, or the pornography addiction is serious or he is very inappropriately involved with other women, I would encourage you to pray for and seek godly, wise, biblical counsel.

      Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!

      Much love,
      April

      Like

  55. lorelie
    June 12, 2014 at 7:32 pm #

    after reading your article… some of my questions were answered about the attitude of my husband today… we were married for 15yrs. and 2yrs. ago he had an affair… and i was very hurt & devastated….he admitted it to me and told me he does not want our marriage to be broken and still loves me… since then i changed…i always doubt him, become more demanding and very emotional…. and this year my husband has become distant to me.. i asked him if he still loves me…he just answerd that i think too much and im irritating him… and now im afraid he does not love me anymore….

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      June 12, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

      Lorelie,
      It is great to meet you!!

      I am so sorry for the pain you and your husband have both been in for so long. 😦 I wish I could hug your neck!

      I have seen God heal hundreds of marriages here. He is able to restore and heal. My primary concern is for your spiritual walk. How is your relationship with Christ? Does your husband have a relationship with Him?

      If you are willing to do things God’s way and seek Him with all your heart and learn to honor His design for marriage and becoming a godly woman by his power working in you, He can heal your broken heart and are you free from the fear, anxiety, worry and desire to control your husband. He can fill you with His peace, joy, power, acceptance, love, grace, mercy and abundant spiritual life.

      I am praying for you! I can’t wait to see all that God has in store! I hope you will look around. I believe you will find help in Christ here.

      Like

  56. Nadin
    June 14, 2014 at 12:02 pm #

    I really enjoyed your post! My goodness your list is exactly mine and what I need to start practicing! It’s funny when I do practice it for example not being verbal as much and not updating him about kids and me after dr.!! Or the biggest one I Agree with is giving him space! I find my husband does come to me more. And also noticing when he does do something is big!
    Long story short you are right when you say men are constant in their love and we are so ahead in so many ways that we always thrive for more because that is what is expected of us! So innately as we care for our children and our selves we tend to gravitate to do it to our husbands as well! Instead of feeling that demand we DO need to take a step back and allow one person in our life which is our husband to care for us and themselves. By doing that we have given the opportunity for leadership! We may lead in a other things Allah gave us the power to do! But need to give a little more to the man since he has roles demanded on him we tend to ignore!
    I come from a Muslim faith and agree with all you said! We are all one and fear the higher being! And your right should look to Allah for guidance and wisdom then our husband.

    Respectfully
    Nadin

    Like

  57. Melissa
    June 20, 2014 at 3:30 pm #

    I am just starting this process:) we have been married for 14 years! We have six kids! He was my best friend and I believed we were great!! Until the day he told me he didn’t like me anymore and ever since has been disrepecful and hard to get along with! He is the the same person I married! He is a stranger!! I am hoping this works for myself and my kids! It’s just hard not being able to call on my best friend when I really need him

    Like

  58. Corrine
    June 25, 2014 at 7:14 pm #

    Sounds like you have an emotionally distant husband. There is nothing you can do to fix or cure this situation. This sounds harsh and it can feel worse. You probably expected marriage to halve the burdens of life but it really just doubled them, and if one is weak the entire burden can fall on the other. Like a cart with a broken wheel, the other wheels may continue to move the cart but only in circles.It sounds like he is emotionally stunted which is like an amputated leg and you cannot fix a missing leg. I have begged God to remove my desire for my husband because my husband just cannot respond in a emotionally connecting way but God has not granted my request. It feels like being acutely hungry all the time without any availability of food. Just know that if God wanted you to have something you would have it. You do not need your husband’s love, it would be nice to have, the icing on the cake of your life, but NOT a requirement to live. If God doesn’t believe you need to have your husband’s love, who are you to argue with God? Focus on your own “stuff” and do not expect anything from your husband. Get a life, essentially without him, and cultivate female friendships that can provide the communication and love you desire. Put your mind to something else but do not neglect your vows. You are still responsible for what you promised to God even if you do not believe your husband is meeting his vows. Respect your husband, honor your husband, and love your husband and rely on God in all things. Forgive so that you may be forgiven. Do not be a doormat. Your vows do not require doormat status. Figure out what your limits are to stay healthy and what is required to maintain a gentle and quiet spirit as God requires, and stay within those limits, even your husband cannot require you to sin. Either your husband will accept the new God honoring you and come along for the ride or he will divorce you.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 30, 2016 at 4:01 pm #

      Corrine,

      Thank you so much for reaching out to the wife who wrote this post. 🙂

      She and her husband are doing much, much better now – last I heard, but she did have to give up her expectations and decide to trust God and depend on Him instead of her husband to find contentment. He is now a lot more attentive. You may search my home page for “fellow wife” for other posts by this wife, if you would like to.

      I am not sure that the author is online right now. She has been taking an Internet break for awhile.

      I am sure that God will use your comment to bless many. I love what God has shown you!

      Much love!
      April

      Like

  59. Katherine
    July 10, 2014 at 9:04 am #

    I have read this post many times since my husband and I have been going through something for about 4 years. But we never really got down to the core of the issue, till now about a week ago. My husband and I have had issues with intimacy for about 4 years but we could never really figure out why. We would have discussions of it, but would end in a bad discussion, resulting in less intimacy. In reading this blog, I have learned about what it is to respect your husband. Slowly it started to sink in until I finally read and realized that my disrespect has affected his desire for me. To the point he now he says he is no longer attracted to me sexually or desires me. I had apologized for my actions and made a decision to be respectful. We have allowed each other some space, but I have backed off to work on myself. I am still respectful towards him and we talk, but I no longer initiate things and have stopped pursuing him. I picked up the book Love & Respect and that is what I am reading now. I have also started The Respect Dare here on your blog. As of yesterday and this morning I have realized the deepest issue of all this is that I made my husband an idol in which started the whole domino effect of disrespect towards him. Add insult to injury, my childhood didn’t help much either. I realized that everything I want in my marriage, what I want for myself, everything everything I have to give that up. I have to be willing to die to self no matter what happens in my marriage. Basically, I have to learn how to trust God of his power. It’s so weird but I feel a sense of peace just letting go. This situation hurts at times and I pray my marriage is restored but I have to let it go. I can’t continue to be disappointed or hurt based off of my husband’s actions. I have been working on myself more; working out, looking my best, reading, going to church alone and many other things for me, not for my husband. I think he starting to take notice but I think it’s still too early in the game to tell. I understand that 4 years of issues won’t be resolved in a week or 2 or month! But I am learning to let it go to God and continue to work on myself. I am about to be 27 years old and I feel like I am finally becoming a woman, or the woman I want to be or should be with God’s help. I have realized all I have done and I have work to do. As much as I hate to sometimes, but I know I need to put in the effort. April, this blog has been the start of changing my life and I am forever grateful for this. Please know what you are doing is helping many women. Thank you so much and God bless!!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      July 23, 2014 at 10:22 pm #

      Katherine,

      I am so excited about what you are learning and what God is doing in your life! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!! Please let me know how you are doing.

      Much love!

      Like

  60. katt
    July 23, 2014 at 11:16 pm #

    {heavy sigh} wow. my story started six years ago…actually the root of my story starts from when i was young..low self esteem. now, i loved my husband but my self esteem about my body wouldnt let him be intimate with me very often. So, as a result, he would come home very angry..yelling at minor things and overall was just extremely irritated. it got to the point where i was not feeling loved anymore, i felt alone..so i sought attention elsewhere, online chatting but never was intimate with the person. I know what i did was wrong and accepted whatever words my husband had for me. after all was said and done, he did and still loved me. fast forward…things got better, i fell back in love with him, we’ve been thru tough times over the years but i stuck with him. yes, i still thought about what i did..and would feel horrible for putting him thru that mess and vowed i wouldnt ever be that person again. The past year or two, my insecurities reared their ugly face again, so much so i would make fun of myself, or i wouldnt accept his compliments when he would give then and began to not let him touch me again. a few months ago i notice a change in my husband. he grew distant, he was out til 12-1a almost every night, crashed out at his friends house at least 7-8 differnt weekends. Then, he dropped the bomb on me….he brought up the past. now i know thats is something we can never forget, but i thought he had forgiven me. he said he swallowed it down but never got off his chest things he wanted to tell me…he mentioned the lack of intimacy on my part which brought up insecurities for him. he walked around thinking i didnt desire or love him again, when it is not at all how i feel. i tried to make him understand the way i felt about myself has hindered us, i know that. but he wont see it that way because he only thinks about the past. its gotten to the point where he doesnt show me affection, so i get frustrated which turns into sarcastic remarks and arguements on my part and trying to tell him i miss the things he used to do. along the line ive realized that ive turned into that nagging wife…something i never wanted to be. this article affirmed the things im doing wrong and things i KNOW i should be doing. one of them, most importantly, is to be patient. i did mention to him that im not strong enough to go thru this and i could make it easy for him to leave if he wanted to by letting him go..(i know i know, bad 😦 SO my fear is if im quiet, will he take that as me being uncaring and cold and really leave because of it? its hard becase i love him so much but i dont get that love back… at all. he doesnt even smile when hes home, we have three kids and theyve notice a change in dad too. we, or i, have tried to talk about whats happened, and ive apologized several times about the past but it feels like he doesnt want to try and work past it. its like hes stuck. i havent been to church in years, but i think thats gonna change. i need alot of prayer and strength and patience to get thru this difficult time. because i am at a loss as to what to do anymore. this is just a nutshell of what ive been going thru lately. i dont have any friends to talk to and im in the process of looking for work to keep my mind occupied.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      July 24, 2014 at 8:52 am #

      Katt,

      Goodness! How I wish I could hug your neck!
      What is your relationship with Christ, my dear girl?

      I hope you might search my home page for some topics:

      – insecurity
      – security
      – discontentment
      – contentment
      – a husband’s pain, his wife’s body image issues
      – (My youtube channel, “April Cassidy” – withholding sex video)
      – idol
      – idolatry

      And, I hope you will read the post about “signs your husband may be feeling disrespected” at the top of my home page.

      Are you willing to find all of your contentment, identity, purpose, joy and fulfillment in Christ and to stop listening to the lies of the enemy and stop looking to your husband to make you whole?

      Are you willing to yield yourself joyfully to your husband sexually and to accept his compliments and graciously receive the gift of his attraction and desire for you?

      You may need a godly mentoring wife to help you through these issues. But God is able to heal!!!!

      Much love to you!

      Like

      • katt
        July 24, 2014 at 2:53 pm #

        i actually have a more positive outlook on myself and am not hesitant about being intimate whenever he decides to be. however i have to addd i have a new insecurity. i came across a picture of my husband cheek to cheek with another woman on his phone along with the words “love you. sweet dreams.” he dismissed it saying that she is his friends sister and has known her for 20 yrs. now, i want to believe him but at the same time, seeing how distant he has gotten coupled with this pic why would this woman say something like this, im feeling very uneasy about it all. and on top of it, she is under his friends contact name :/ he has told her we were having issues but doesnt go into details. So this other woman knows were having problems which makes me uncomfortable 😦 i wouldnt care so much about him having a female friend but he has never mentioned her to me over the years but claims he has introduced us a couple of times(i have no idea when, and if he did, i might have thought she was just someone he knew thru work or whatever)
        every day, when i wake, shes the first thing i think about. im wondering every day if hes txting her, if he goes and sees her, what they talk about. if anything is or has happend, i know he would never say anything. but i pray it is just my imagination playing tricks on me. i did mention to him that he can easily have conversations with her but when hes home he has nothing to tallk about with me. it hurts. i did say i wished i WAS one of his friends because then i could see the happy side of him.
        i was thinking that i havent done anything this time around for him to be acting cold towards me, aside from earlier in the year and my low self esteem which ive overcome. but, i feel like im paying for the past all over again and that hurts. im at the point that im apologizing all the time it seems and sometimes i honestly dont know for what exactly 😥 i brought up the lack of affection the other day, and in the convo he mentioned that he couldnt force me to love him back then, which tells me that he doesn love me right now. also, i feel like hes thinking that im in no position to tell him im hurting since i put him thru that pain years ago. my feelings dont count. so my backs against the wall. im trying to be paitent, i’ll try not to force him to talk about his feelings, and i’ll try and not get hurt by his lack of love. but it is hard. i literally get NOTHING, not even a quick peck when he leaves the house. im at the brink of giving up.
        yes ive read the signs your husband may be feeling disrespected” article and it was enlightening….

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          July 24, 2014 at 4:23 pm #

          Katt,

          Goodness. 😦 if you believe he may be being unfaithful, you may need to seek help from a trusted pastor or godly mentoring wife or biblical Christian counselor.

          How is your walk with Christ going right now?

          Where are you spiritually?

          What are your greatest fears?

          What do you have to have to be happy in life?

          Much love!
          April

          Like

  61. Theresa
    July 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm #

    I have been with my husband for 32 years, and love him very much. We are both self employed which means we spend a lot of time together. He really is a great guy that has always loved and provided for his family. I have always felt second in his life because he has always put his parents and our children before me. It was so bad when our children were young, that my daughter would go to him about me, and he would side with her. To the point of almost a divorce. I came from a broken home, with 4 siblings and very little love. So I know that is something I desire more than anything. I jump and do whatever he needs. I go out of my way to include him. I’m 51 and tired of not getting the love and respect. Don’t get me wrong, he’s very good to me, and loves me. What really gets me is when I see him be so much more giving and loving to others. I’m working on focusing on me, I just don’t know how. Am I suppose to do things by myself, even if I know he’s not happy about it. Are there any books out there that you can recommend?
    Sincerely, Theresa

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      July 29, 2014 at 2:14 pm #

      Theresa,

      It is wonderful to meet you! Being self employed and together so much can be quite a strain on any marriage. And healing from a broken home in your own childhood can require quite a lot of help, God’s Spirit, prayer and painful growth.

      What was your parents’ relationship like?

      What was your husbands’ parents marriage like?

      What is your walk with Christ like?

      Does your husband know Jesus?

      What do you do when your husband doesn’t do what you want him to do?

      How do you show respect and honor to your husband?

      How do you show respect to yourself?

      Where is your sense of security, identity and purpose?

      What do you need to be happy in this life?

      Here are some places to start – you can search my home page for the following terms:

      – idol
      – idolatry
      – discontentment
      – contentment
      – expectations
      – bitterness
      – control and boundaries
      – people pleasing
      – martyr
      – guilt

      Much love to you!

      Like

      • Theresa
        July 30, 2014 at 6:24 pm #

        Thank you for getting back to me so soon. My relationship with my parents, is not much to speak of. I don’t remember to many hugs or them saying I love you. I really believe they loved us, just didn’t take time to care. I have come along way. I have been through many different programs at our church. And now have a relationship with both of my parents and one out four siblings. My husbands family is somewhat dysfunctional. But they love me, and treated me as if I were there own.They have always been there for us. They are the family I never had. I truly believe God gave me a gift with my family. My husband and I both worked at a church for several years, and unfortunately had to witness a lot of wrong doing happening with the leaders at the church. My husband is bitter, and does not go to church with me now.He knows God, but lost faith in man. I pretty much do whatever my husband ask of me. As far as respect, I guess there may be a handful of times that I didn’t respect him. But he is one of those natural fundamental kind of guys. I mean in our first few years of dating, I was amazed at his morals and value. He the kind of guy who finds $20.00 and goes around asking everyone if they lost it. The next three questions, I’ not sure I know the answer. On the 19th of this month, he embarrassed me. I didn’t stop and give him my full attention, and he spoke to me like I was a child. So I have been doing some soul searching. I have built my world around him, and I think I have been needy. Thinking that if I love him and did everything I could to please him, he would love me back the same..

        Theresa

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          July 30, 2014 at 7:23 pm #

          Theresa,
          There are TONS of posts here that I believe might speak to your heart and nourish your soul, your walk with Christ and your marriage. I’m glad you are doing some soul searching. I hope you will decide to find all of your contentment in Christ alone, and that you might seek to bless your husband, but that you might find your peace, joy and strength from Jesus.

          I’m here if you have questions! I will do my best to point you to Jesus and His Word. 🙂

          Much love to you!

          Like

  62. maki
    August 10, 2014 at 1:07 am #

    I need help I sont know what to do my husband doent help me enough for expenses in the house. He leaves to work or the week and only leaves me money exactly for things we need in the house and a little for groceries.I work and pay all utilities including my car payment and childcare on my own. He is does pay the house payment.everything else he saves to give extra payments on the house. I am crying of pain for the word he said to me when he realised I used his credit card behind his back to but things we needed for the house and went to a restaurant with the kids.I didn’t have money and I also put gas. He said I should go try to do his job out in the hot sun and that I have lost his trust by using his credit card. I don’t know what to do I need to become independent and not use his money at all…but is this a real marriage? I feel like now we are going to be roomates and just divide our bills evenly…I feel heartbroken his words really hurt me.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      August 11, 2014 at 4:11 pm #

      Maki,
      I’m so sorry things are so painful!

      I wonder if you can apologize to him for going behind his back – and be sure to ask him before using the credit card?

      Going to a restaurant may not be in the budget right now. IT would show so much respect and honor to him if you can try to stay in the budget he has given you. It sounds like money is very tight.

      I hope you might thank him for how hard he works and how well he provides and ask him how you could better support him – then listen – without defending yourself. And see what you can do to be his teammate and to make this tight budget work. Even if it means not going to restaurants. I don’t take my kids to restaurants, and I check with Greg before spending extra money.

      You don’t have to be roommates. You have the power to make things right here!

      Much love to you and a huge hug!

      Like

  63. Home Renovation Companies Savannah
    August 17, 2014 at 11:12 am #

    I was wondering if you ever considered changing the
    layout of your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got to
    say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of
    content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having
    one or two pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      August 17, 2014 at 3:32 pm #

      Home Renovation,
      Thanks so much for the suggestions! I will carefully consider them. 🙂

      Like

  64. patricia
    August 22, 2014 at 7:53 pm #

    Right now I feel as though I am in the “snake pit of the soul” as someone so well put it in terms of wrestling with this monster collection of collaborating idols. Idolatry in marriage and pursuing and pressuring behaviours are definitely problems for me, as are dependency and neediness, insecurity, etc. I shared elsewhere that I was recently sitting on the couch ranting to God about how “unfair” a lot of my hubby’s behaviour’s are and felt God impress my heart with ” You’re problem is with Me, not him”. Which is true. But oh, the agony and heaviness of trying to overcome an area of out of control flesh and sin! I am doing the two steps forward, five steps back thing and its so discouraging. I struggle with apathy and lack of motivation too which makes it hard to follow through and care for the house diligently; clearly an area I need to grow in.

    Today I tried speaking to my husband about why he refuses to acknowledge how much his lack of value towards me and indifference towards protecting me has affected our marriage and left me feeling as if on shifting sand. He allows family and other people to treat me shabbily, though he expects my support whether he is right or wrong. I suspect some of it is simply passive aggressive revenge on his part and a bit of idolatry of his own towards others’ approval; however, he doesn’t feel I deserve respect or good treatment so when someone else mistreats me, in his mentality he reads that as me getting what I deserve for being “the kind of woman I am”. He acts cool and uncaring if I am really hurt by anything. However, I can’t completely dismiss that as “how dare he, that’s not grace or love”!

    Basically its obvious to me that although he has feelings for me, he doesn’t particularly respect me, value me or trust me. I had to ask myself ” Have I given him any reason to feel that I am not worth swimming through shark infested waters to bring me a lemonade, to use Dr. Laura’s phraseology. I had to say yes.

    For starters, we are both remarried to each other; At first we didn’t think we were doing anything wrong but were later led by scripture to question the rightness of our choices. There are always questions of sin and repentance that need facing in situations that involved divorce and remarriage; it is painfully raw to realize that some of my behaviour had more in common with the wayward wife of proverbs than it did with the godly woman I thought I was being. I’d been taught by my MOTHER that seductive behaviour was desired by men and that a man wouldn’t bond with you if he didn’t get some sort of stimulus in that area. I know, utterly horrible, devaluing and sinful things for a mother to say to her daughter; no one will love you if you don’t at least give them a little enticement. Evil, entrapping, manipulative thinking that came out of how she viewed men and despised them because of her experiences, full of hate and revenge dressed as truth. Out of insecurity and lack of character and integrity I was willing to do such things though I failed to realize that the moment I did so I was no longer acting in love but in selfishness and evil and that my good intentions towards him didn’t make that right “just this once”. It made me a self serving enemy, not a friend. There is also quite a possibility that my willingness to do this sort of thing came out of my own agreement with revengeful and despising thinking. I’ve discovered that things can be concealed in our hearts and present themselves in different garb than what they really are. Sin relabels itself all the time.

    Perhaps even more sadly most of the church counsel I got was victim oriented psychology based counsel that focused largely on how much inner healing I needed and how wounded I was and how wronged I was in my first marriage than it focused on God’s kingdom and my role in it. There was little calling me to account for sin or disobedience or selfish willfulness and if that had occurred I likely would have pulled rank and gone all “victim”. I did listen to some rebukes with good grace as I had a desire for truth but there were areas in my life that were definitely places of cherished flesh. It wasn’t until I later read Martha Peace’s The Excellent Wife that I began to realize that I had whole reams of thinking and acting that had NOTHING in common with scripture and that what I had been taught was solid teaching in fact was not very scriptural at all. I was getting a shocking crash course in ” My ways are higher than your ways, My thoughts higher than your thoughts” and what is highly esteemed among men is considered rubbish to God”.

    I suspect that a secular counselor based in psychology would use the label of something like BPD to describe my way of thinking and acting and responding to the world, but at the time I was quite ignorant regarding myself beyond having caught a glimpse of my own depravity enough to turn towards the cross. I think scripture would refer to it as both a stronghold and idolatrous sin. David Powlison of CCEF, a biblical counselling foundation, refers to it as “deep weeds to live your life in” and has a video about it. I suspect my parents who had both suffered serious abuse and violation had something very similar going on. We suffered booze fueled violence and both parents were very disturbed emotionally. So you can imagine what I thought was justifiable and normal and wound up acting out in my life.

    So I said to my husband that I was well aware that he did not respect me, didn’t think I was a good wife and didn’t trust me, and that he didn’t value me enough to get in between me and someone trying to hurt me. He made no protest or disagreement. I said I realized that I had given him some good reasons to feel that way, that I’d demonstrated poor and corrupt character and had been a sinful and ungodly woman instead of the one I had originally intended to be. I asked him to spend some time thinking about what he thought I ought to be doing in order to be a godly woman and a good wife, and what it would take to restore faith and respect for us both and make me truly godly and worth protecting in his eyes. I asked for him NOT to respond at this time, but to spend some time thinking about it and write it out. I also asked that he be merciful and not “rip my heart out”. He agreed that he would do this. I hope that he does. I am not sure that I did the right thing but perhaps by not pressing on him to give me an answer right now and leaving him space to think and pray over it, that may have “allowed’ it to come across right. Sure hope so.

    What I am musing over right now is that sometimes grace and mercy involves being allowed to taste the consequences of our sin/reap some of what we’ve sown, so that we might turn and repent . Discipline is an aspect of sonship/daughtership. Scripture says God scourges every son he receives; you won’t hear that preached on very much, lol. I have heard of God raising enemies against us when we persist in a path of willful disobedience. When King David was driven from Jerusalem and was being cursed by that dude that ran alongside of him and his men, pelting them with dirt and stones, his general offered to kill the man, but David said ‘ How do I know that God hasn’t said to him ” curse David”? I read that as David recognizing that what was happening had a direct connection to the way he disrespected God in front of all Israel, giving the enemies of the Lord great occasion to blaspheme, which is what Nathan told him when he confront the king over his sin. David realized that nothing was befalling him that the sovereign God had not allowed. So some of the poor treatment and rejection I have rec’d from my husband and others may not be as unjust as it seems but rather me reaping of the sin I’ve sown. And there’s that very pointed NT scripture that tells us To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed which is quite similar to what Nathan said to David. I accept that God is just when He judges and would rather Him deal with me on this side of eternity while repentance is still possible! I will have to trust that though a person may lay more blame at my feet than is fair, God will not. It IS very painful to realize that I have to learn how to be discreet, chaste, keeper at home, obedient to my husband precisely because I am NOT that right now.

    Its only been about two hours since we had this discussion and he had to head off to work so I don’t know if he will follow through but I hope he takes me seriously and does so. It would certainly give me hope of restoration and enjoying the presence of God in my life again. I’m not of course suggesting that my take on my own situation automatically applies to anyone else’s situation in the exact same way. This is just where my head and heart are at right now, and I welcome gladly prayers for repentance and spiritual sight to continue to grow in my life.

    Like

  65. Brandi
    September 12, 2014 at 12:24 pm #

    There have been a few times in my life where I have changed so much, so drastically, so fast, it’s like I feel like a different person everyday. It’s like my head full of thoughts, concerns, and questions finally all get answers and conclusions all at the same time. I feel like I’m going through that right now.

    I’ve lived my whole life with anxiety, but recently it has gotten completely out of hand, my life revolves around this anxiety and panic attacks. All of a sudden the combination of how I felt and something my husband said to me during an argument finally turned the light bulb on for me. After 9 years of marriage (8 and a half of them falling short of happy) I realized I have control issues. Which is weird to me because I’m very passive with most people most of the time, I never get my way with friends or with my business partner and I’m mostly ok with that because I’d prefer that they get thier way and we avoid any confrontation. But my home is my safe place and that is where I try to get my way. I realised this a few days ago, and I realised this is why my husband and I are unhappy, this is why my anxiety is so bad, this is why I’m so stressed, so uptight, and this is why my biggest challenge at home is just relaxing and having fun with everyone else. Because I have to control everyone and everything at all times.

    I cried my eyes out reading your list of goals because they are all things I should do but I’m so afraid that my husband will just take advantage of the distance. In his own words he said he shows me love by working and providing for us. I just don’t know if that is enough for me, I could just imagine backing away and having him work hard to provide for us and him never say 2 words to me unless necessary.

    I’m really insecure and he knows this. When ever we argue and my insecurities come up he tells me that it’s my problem. My dad killed himself when I was young and when my mom remarried when I was a teen she starred treating me like I was inconvenient and I felt rejected. She is also one of those that talks about me like I’m a kid, like nothing I do is good enough, and putting me down. I know a lot of my insecurities come from that, but he doesn’t realize that he has contributed as well, he has made me feel so unappreciated and rejected. He has said things to make me feel like I’m not good enough. When my friends all had babies their husbands bought them gifts and catered to them for awhile at least and they all pushed their babies out the old fashioned way and went home feeling great. I had a c section, came home still in pain and he got mad that the house was a mess, I told him I needed help and he asked me why, I told him that I was in pain and I couldn’t lift anything for 6 weeks, he said you just had a baby, women do it all the time, my mom did it four times and she didn’t have any help. I’ve needed him, and he has failed me. I get that he isn’t jesus, but at same time I feel like our marriage is pointless, he is obviously not happy, and I am not getting what I need from him at all. I honestly think he has made me controlling, it’s just like with the kids, and the house, I’ve learned over the years if I don’t do it then it won’t get done. So what happens when I stop pursuing him, he stops pursuing me, and we end up in twin beds in our own rooms? I feel like I need to let go of the control for myself, for my own stress and anxiety, but I’m not convinced that it will help my marriage. I don’t think my happiness, or my needs ever cross his mind, I hope and pray that it will work out for our marriage but I can’t get passed the fear that I’m going to end up more alone then I am now.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      September 12, 2014 at 12:31 pm #

      Brandi,

      My heart goes out to you so much!

      I can feel the wounds and pain in what you are writing – and I know the pain is very real.

      I hope you might check out A Fellow Wife’s recent follow up. I think it may bless you greatly.

      It is very overwhelming at first to realize that we are being controlling with our husbands. And it is terrifying to let go of control – especially if we grew up in an environment where we did not feel safe and protected and loved, or we felt we had to be in charge from a young age.

      You have some very significant wounds from your childhood that I wonder if you have ever completely healed from?

      I invite you to check out some more posts. You can search my home page for:

      – insecurity
      – security
      – discontentment
      – contentment
      – how to make your husband an idol
      – fear
      – bitterness
      – control
      – people pleasing

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?
      What is it that you believe you need to be happy?

      Much love to you! I believe you will find answers, hope and abundant spiritual Life here in Christ!

      Like

    • Marie
      September 12, 2014 at 12:51 pm #

      Brandi,I can relate to all you have said. I stopped persueing my husband about a year ago. There is definitely more distance between us now, he actually seems happier because he has more time for himself now to do the things he enjoys but never had time to do because of working so much and my demands on his time. So I started doing stuff I enjoy. I took up a hobby, quilting, and love it. I have moved into the spare bedroom because he has erratic work hours second and third shift so were both sleeping much better. Problem is , although the argueing has all stopped, were no longer a couple and I can see now, never really were. So slowly we are finding ourselves and eachother all over again. Be patient. These are big issues in a marriage and will not rectify themselves overnight. We were going to divorce but decided to just let things even out on their own. Find a new healthier balance for the relationship. Like dateing all over again except this time with healthier more mature versions of ourselves. Stay in Gods presence and ask for his peace . Your aware of your issues at least now so sit tight and watch God work things out as you submit daily to him. Like I said,it wont happen overnight so be patient. HUGS

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        September 12, 2014 at 1:24 pm #

        Marie,
        It’s great to hear from you! Thanks for seeking to encourage our sister. 🙂 I am glad you are sleeping better and not arguing. I am glad that you are rediscovering each other. Praying for God’s continued healing on you and your husband and your marriage!

        Like

        • Brandi
          September 18, 2014 at 3:16 am #

          I definitely have not healed from my childhood/adolescence. It’s not even something I realized effected me so much until just a couple of years ago. And as time goes on I see more and more how it has effected my adult life.

          My husband’s relationship with Christ is complicated, he goes to church with us sometimes(but he hasn’t been since Easter I think), prays for us before dinner, and we go to Christian marriage counseling. He says he just isn’t there yet, but he is more open to it then he was before. Our counselor gave him some great books that I read and find them really helpful with my own struggle with affirmation of my salvation. But he hasn’t read them. That is one reason I don’t think I trust him as a leader, because I don’t think he will lead us biblically, and I don’t think leading our children to Christ is a priority. I think that a lot of things he has done has degraded my trust in him, I also think a lot of things I’ve done have made him scared to take the lead fully. I think we have created in eachother a monster that we can barely stand to live with lol.

          I know that the Lord is leading me to give up this control, it’s come up so many times with in a couple of days, I know I’m suppose to let go. It is so scary though!

          I feel like the things he wants from me are very general. Take care of the house, be responsible for schooling our children, care of our children, etc. But some days the house is a mess, or we get take out, or we take a day off of school (we home school). I do get over whelmed with life sometimes and need someone to help me get it together, but some days I just don’t complete all of my tasks. He makes me feel like I don’t do as much as him, work as hard as he does, it makes me feel bad about myself and it kills my motivation which really just makes the situation worse. I know that I shouldn’t hang my happiness or self worth on what he says but I don’t like being talked down to and if I am not doing the things he wants me to do he either needs to accept that sometimes I can’t do everything or be more specific about what things are most important so I can make those my priority. I feel like he with holds affection or gestures of love because I don’t fulfill the role he thinks I should. I also feel like the affection/ gestures of love he does are not necessarily done with my wants in mind, but they are things he would like.

          I want to be with someone who wants to be around me, who doesn’t think of me as a failure, who is considerate of my feelings and who makes an effort to show me love and affection.

          I spend all day with a 2yr old and a 7yr old. I don’t really have any friends, the friend I do have are now divorced and don’t have their kids half the time so I’m kind of out of the circle just because we have nothing in common anymore. I don’t have a car during the day because me and my husband share a car so I can’t really do any activities with other homeschool moms. My husband is pretty much my only adult companionship, but he is busy playing video games or on Facebook or watching YouTube videos. I’ve made an effort to find other hobbies, I really enjoy reading, but then he tells me I’m neglecting my responsibilities or that I should be paying attention to my kids.

          Thank you by the way for the other resources, I will definitely search for those.

          Marie,
          Thank you for your encouragement, I find comfort in your words, it’s good to know that even if it does get worse it could still get better. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that things continue to improve in your marriage.

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            September 18, 2014 at 8:03 am #

            Brandi,

            Thank you so much for your responses!

            I definitely get that when a husband seems far from God, it is scary to submit to him. Almost all of us start in a similar place – where we feel we “have” to lead because we feel we are more spiritually mature or “everything will fall apart” if we don’t try to control things. God has a very specific and powerful approach for wives in such a situation – that is I Peter 3:1-6. That is our assignment – it gets us out of God’s way so that our husband can most hear God and become the leader God desires him to be. It does not come naturally to do this, it will take the power of God’s Spirit in us for us to do this, but I have seen it work many, many times. Sometimes it takes years. There may be some husbands who never come to Christ ever. But if a husband is going to come to Christ and become a strong spiritual leader, it will only be after his wife obeys God in this passage. You can still lead your children to Christ – and one of the greatest ways you can do that is by setting an example as a godly wife who has so much faith in the sovereignty of God that she trusts God to lead her through her imperfect, sinful husband and she respects and honors her husband.

            What is your relationship like with Christ?

            What are your greatest fears?

            Are you working through the wounds from your younger years? What does your counselor tell you to focus on right now?

            When your husband criticizes you, what do you say and do?

            How does he respond?

            Have you shared these feelings with your husband? What was his reaction?

            I’m so sorry things are so painful right now – but I am excited about what God has in store for you! I know He is completely able to make this into something very beautiful for His glory and your ultimate good.

            Much love!
            April

            Like

  66. Michelle
    September 19, 2014 at 10:14 am #

    Good day.

    I am afraid I have pushed my spouse too far.

    He is a chef and work extremely long hours. We have two childeren and I am unemployed. A few weeks back our relationship started to break down completely. We started fighting every day and ig got to a point where he does not respect me and yell at me.

    I realise I contributed to push him this far with the stress from work and to provide. Now be gpes out every night and come back early in the mornings intoxicated.

    I have tried the past few weeks to give him his space since he told me he wants to be left alone. God have kept me strong to not text him and give him his space.

    He is not religious but I love hime dearly. I am afraid that I have pushed him so far that he does not love me anymore.

    I would appreciate if you can help me with advice.

    Regards
    Michelle

    Like

  67. Ignorant Wife
    September 26, 2014 at 1:22 am #

    Hello

    I came to know of this site when I was searching randomly in net about marriage secrets. Yes, I think you are right that constant pursuing and nagging with questions does create a wide gap in the sacred institution of marriage. Being married for more than 4 years, I have still not understood what would help me to understand my husband and marriage, as sometimes the question if I did the right thing of marrying seems to start contemplating deep inside me time and again with alas! NO ANSWER.

    My husband has had a series of turmoils in his early childhood right from sexual abuse from his relatives and friends, to death of mom at young age, with disconnection with father, and so on and so forth. So, this made him vulnerable to affairs before marriage though they were platonic and not physical by any nature. I accepted him completely as he was, with his negatives and tried to nurture him with all the love and support I had.

    But, sometimes, I feel that I am being taken for granted as sometimes he starts his chatting and creating contacts with different girls texting them and messaging them, though they are not sexual in any manner. I come to know accidentally about this and on asking, he asks for forgiveness and promises to never repeat it. Ok.. fine… he changed. But, for the past few months, I am noticing that he hardly has time for me. He works in the afternoon shift, comes late at night, and plays games in mobile for sometime and sleeps. Gets up late, and has lunch and leaves for work. In weekends, he has kept himself busy with tutorials and we have not gone out in weekends for months. I don’t have any issue with this as such since I prefer staying at home… But, I find whenever I ask a simple question or tell him that this was not the right thing to do, and he should have done in this manner, he tells I have no other work than ordering and fighting with him. I am stay at home wife due to his aged father and we don’t have children.

    I am constantly being told that I have ‘nothing’ to do rather than checking his mails and chats in his absence and doubting him. The thing is he has again started doing things that I don’t approve like starting contacts with unknown girls. He tells these are for professional reasons, but since I know his mind and his vulnerability, I am afraid he would be exploited like he had been in past by the girls he had contact with. Whenever he is at home, he has laptop or TV for his attention and when speaking to me, he looks constantly on the mobile or laptop. Whenever, I start a topic for discussion, he shouts and sometimes (very rarely) beats me or misbehaves. But, he repents for this.

    But, sometimes, he is the most loving husband one can ever get, supporting me in whatever I do and was my best friend with whom I could share everything, even my crushes. But, now I sometimes fear sharing everything due to his sudden explosion or something. Few days ago, he told me that he hates me and will never talk in this lifetime. Though, he apologized later saying that due to immense work pressure, he told this. Nowadays, I don’t have a companion for me to share my feelings and thoughts and feel I am lonely. I cannot go out of this house since I had taken full responsibility of marriage due to opposition of my parents, though they have accepted now. I sometimes feel like going away somewhere without informing anybody, but I fear people will foul mouth my husband, which I cannot allow as my husband is a wonderful person ever ready to help anyone in distress, poor people with charity, and all. I have questioned God why He made me marry since I had wanted to become a nun and not come in this family circle. But, I don’t get any answers. I have stopped pursing my husband, but that has taken somewhat different course, since I think I am seeing signs of him starting to go back in the forgotten path.

    I am unable to understand anything and how my life is proceeding. I sometimes feel that getting a child would help me solve my issues, but sometimes I feel its good I don’t have children considering that the child would also suffer due to my mentality.

    Could you soothe me with some words since this is the first time I have shared my feelings with someone.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      September 26, 2014 at 9:44 am #

      Ignorant Wife,

      My precious girl!!!!! Goodness!!!! 😦

      What a difficult situation.

      Your husband had so many wounds join going into this marriage. Did he receive any biblical counseling from a godly male mentor or any kind of help with healing from these awful scars?

      How often has he beat you? Were you hurt? Are you safe? That is not ok! 😦

      What is your relationship with Christ, please?

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      I understand your concerns about your husband contacting all of these women. I can’t imagine that any wife would be happy about that kind of thing.

      It sounds like he is feeling quite disrespected. And, of course, you are feeling unloved.

      Does he have any addictions or mental health disorders?

      Do you have a godly wife mentor you could talk to or a Christian counselor you could trust?

      Having a child is a great blessing – but, with the dynamics you have in your marriage right now, I am afraid it would create much more strain and stress. I would love to see you be able to have a stronger, more healthy marriage first if possible.

      Why did your parents oppose the marriage?

      What was your husband like before you married? Was he ever violent? Did he yell at you then?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      Much love to you! And a HUGE hug! I am praying for you!

      Like

      • Ignorant Wife
        September 27, 2014 at 12:33 am #

        Thanks for your reply… I am happy that atleast some one can understand the situation….

        My parents opposed because I loved him and they wanted to go for arranged marriage and were not able to accept the fact that I searched husband for myself….

        He is a god-fearing and god-loving person… Thats why. I am unable to understand him because sometimes he is soooo good and sometimes he just gives in to pressure.. He didnt go through any sort of counselling and I don’t have any mentor or anything.. My parents’ marriage has been a good one and I don’t know about his parents’ marriage since my mother in law is no more.. He is not violent or yelling at all times… Sometimes I treat him like child telling him what to do and what not because many people have cheated him with regard to money and he has lost a lot of money in this..The people take advantage of his innocence and his nature of trusting every one, which is also one of the reasons that girls take advantage by crying and emotionally blackmailing him… people borrow money and he gives thinking they are in trouble and they just vanish…

        So, I have told him not to lend money without my knowledge and he is following that… All these I have no issues… It is during some moments when he just behaves awkward…. You know what? From yesterday, I stopped pursuing him and asking him about things,,, and here he was, sharing every detail of what happened.. I think maybe if I start giving him more lead and be quiet (which I can’t considering my over involvement in every matter of his) I may be able to pull him back… Waiting with fingers crossed….

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          September 27, 2014 at 6:23 am #

          Ignorant Wife,

          It is fine for you to say what you would like and need. I think you can do that respectfully without saying “you must” or “you should” or “you can’t.” Sometimes just our wording things differently makes a big difference – so that we are not commanding our husbands to do something.

          Sometimes just saying, “It would mean so much to me if…” or “Would you please consider possibly not…” Or “I would prefer that we not loan money to other people, please.”

          I am amazed that in just one day he is already coming to you and sharing. That is wonderful. 🙂

          As you are able to stop controlling him, and start showing him respect, I think you may see a lot of healing take place. I have many posts that may be helpful. The top of my home page is a great place to start.

          I’m glad he is not usually violent. Please be safe!

          Much love to you!

          Like

          • Ignorant Wife
            September 27, 2014 at 8:25 am #

            Yes… I am starting to follow mostly what you have mentioned in the posts… But, I am unable to stop snooping into his mails, texts and accounts as I have noticed that whenever I do this, I notice somethings that have been hidden from me and suddenly crop from nowhere… and when I ask him about this he asks for forgiveness and tell that I am unable to control myself and all….

            One more thing is whenever I try to talk to him and communicate my feelings… he tells that I am finding fault with him and that I am shouting at him while the truth is I never shout at him and in fact, he does all the shouting business… I just ask him why he didnt tell me this before and he says you hate me thats why whatever I do, you have problem… Then, when I stop asking him he tells I am not interested in his matters and I hate him thats why I am not involved in his matters… I love my husband dearly and for the kind of person he is, everyone will love him.. but even after so much time in our marriage, I feel he has not understood me at all and sometimes, loneliness eats me up with nowhere to go….

            Like

            • Ignorant Wife
              September 27, 2014 at 10:23 am #

              I want to pour down all that I have in my mind.. so please pardon me for my series of mails….

              I know in a relationship its very important for spending quality time with each other… In this area apart from inanimate objects like laptop and mobile, I have problem with people also… Please don’t mistake me… Actually, from the starting of my marriage I saw that my husband loved to spend time with his friends.. I have never objected to this.. But, this has become a major problem now… In the beginning of our marriage, I was left all alone in the house with noone to talk to, no mobile, no TV, nothing,, and he spend his entire time with his friends.. When I asked this he said only today na… rest of the time I am with you only… I also pacified myself… But, this was not to be…. Everytime he has a holiday or leave he prefers to go to someone’s house… When, he goes there (though sometimes I also accompany him), he has so much to talk about, but when it comes to both of us, he has nothing to talk and tells me you talk and he just goes on with his mobile or laptop… When, I talk something, he gets hyper or if he is cool then he tells how many times will you go on and on about yourself….

              I have told him n number of times that I want him to spend time with me but even if he stays at home he is not with me mentally… I am feeling so upset.. I don’t have anyone to share anything… Whenever I talk with anyone only the subject of not having children is the main one and nothing else… I don’t have the courage to tell my issues with anyone lest I be ridiculed for my decision of marriage or someone belittle my husband… I just pray and pray nowadays…. That too, to be frank, I am praying not for my marriage or for children.. I have stopped praying for both for the past 1 month.. I am just praying that I should get liberation and attain the lotus feet of the Lord… Nothing else

              Like

              • Peacefulwife
                September 27, 2014 at 4:56 pm #

                Ignorant Wife,

                My sweet girl! Oh goodness. 😦 I can understand why you feel so lonely.

                So, whenever you do talk with him, you talk about what you find on his phone or you talk about that you don’t have children?

                What else do you say to him?

                Do you have a relationship with Christ Jesus?

                Does your husband?

                What does he say he wants in the marriage?

                What do you believe you need?

                Do you have any Christian women friends?

                Sending you a big hug!

                Like

                • Ignorant Wife
                  September 27, 2014 at 10:01 pm #

                  No…Whenever I talk with him, I talk about my childhood and my friends and all….Some interesting incidents , some humorous ones too…. Yes, I have relationship with God..I know HE has better plans for everyone and we are ignorant fools…. From childhood, I have seen that noone actually understands my feelings and all and if I share then I have been put down and sometimes, even ridiculed… I don’t say that my family or friends were insensitive but it’s that I have always shown that I am a strong person and I can handle myself.. If some day, I showed my weak sides, then everyone gaped at me then I used to recollect myself and show as if I was just acting… thats what I used to do… I had always prayed that my husband should be my best friend with whom I can be my real self showing my real feelings and insecurities too…

                  My husband was like that in the beginning…. But, in recent times, he has become repelled by me… If sometimes, I cry or show my tears or tell him why everyone is being insensitive to me from childhood and even now including you (I mean hubby).. he says.. if everyone is being like this then problem is with you… you are not good…. you change yourself…. And he also tells me… I am tired of seeing your tears… You cry or do whatever you wish I am not going to console you… I am tired of you…. So, I have now for the past 1 month stopped sharing my feelings with him and he is also fine with it I think as he has not come forward to asking me my thoughts or feelings… and he is going on with his work and other things.. I am unable to understand one thing… When his close girl friends (CHildhood friends, whom I also know) face same issues like me, he is so very sensitive to them and understands them, talks to them, goes over to their place to support them and even talks to their husbands about it, but when question comes on him, he doesn’t do it… Am I such a sinner that I am always lonely and have only GOD to share my feelings and cry in the bathroom always so that only HE knows my tears and noone else?

                  Like

  68. Jen
    October 1, 2014 at 12:30 am #

    Thank you for sharing this. My husband is so important to me. I know he loves me and his love for our children is amazing, never seen a more devoted dad. But we’ve been in a rough spot. When we got together almost 9 years ago my previous marriage was ugly, so all my insecurities and jealousy issues surfaced when we got serious. Which the jealousy has gotten better and. Not worried if he’d ever cheat, but I’m terrified more than ever that he’ll leave me. He says I’m very disrespectful to him and I don’t even see it when I do it. I can just feel the unhappiness and anger from him. We were best friends and now I feel more alone than ever before. I don’t want to be an awful wife, I am so proud to be called his wife that I can’t think of the possibilities of that changing without falling apart. I’m going to try this and continue to pray for help and understanding. I am not sure how to become the quiet wife, when I try he gets upset cuz I have no input or I’m sulking so I’m just not sure where to go. I want to follow him, I want to be that perfect couple that nothing could rock. We’ve lost brothers, fathers, friends and other loved ones in our 9 years and always stayed strong. Now the little things seem to shake us the hardest. Please pray for us.

    Like

  69. Sybie
    October 12, 2014 at 6:15 am #

    Thank you so much for listening to the Lord and writing this post! I feel that it was meant for me ;-). A little background in me. I have been married to my husband for almost 18 years and we have a sweet 7 yearold boy. We both work out of the house full time and most our life consist of work, church and sleep! Since all I’m about to say makes me look like a jealous, insecure, controlling wife ( which I have to admit I am and I need to change), I would like to say I am a faithful, loving, caring wife) I don’t spend a lot of money, I’m probably smothering always asking what’s wrong, always trying to make sure he is happy and we do the things that make him happy! I love my husband and I truley feel that he loves me but I’m always feeling neglected and that I don’t get enough attention or romance ( hugs, kisses, snuggles, handholding, you look beautifuls). Except when he wants to, well, you know! (Which is amazing when it happens).Also, he is tired and always seems like something is wrong all the time when he is with us! Don’t get me wrong, I am very blessed to have him! He is faithful to me, provides for us and even helps in the house. Which when I bring up not getting what I need from him, things he is not doing for me, those are the the things he says he does for me to show his love. I’ve also told him numerious times that he is always smiling and laughing at work, church and with friends and I only get the moodiness. I have made us have these conversations so many times now that the last time ( yes, it turned into an argument) he said its my problem that I’m unhappy. Yes, i’ve prayed about it and him but I always pick it back up in instead of laying it at my Saviors feet and letting him fix us and our marriage! Thank you again and please pray for me and my marriage! I want to be an amazing wife and mom!

    Like

  70. annieholmes
    October 14, 2014 at 1:02 pm #

    This is so on point for me. Every single word resonated with me and the semi-distance between my husband and me. I guess I can’t really call it distance more than my disappoint that he’s not meeting my expectations. And I now see how selfish I am being and I have to admit that my expectations can be unrealistic. I’ve shifted my faith from God to my husband. I look to my husband to provide me with everything I can get from God. And that’s not fair to either of them. My husband can’t be my everything but God can. And in the process, I know my husband and me will grow closer than ever. I absolutely NEEDED to read this today. Thank you!!

    Like

  71. Mrs. G.
    October 16, 2014 at 10:21 am #

    I’m not sure how I missed this post, but do I ever need it today! Reading through the list, I think I’m guilty of almost all of these points. It is no wonder that my husband is irritable and distant. I usually make the mistake of trying to cling to him more tightly when he is pulling away. I think that I will pray for patience today in enduring the times between us when he is distant.

    Thank you, April!

    Like

    • annieholmes
      October 16, 2014 at 4:33 pm #

      Mrs. G, I feel exactly like you do! I wish I would have read this article months ago before I started annoying my husband by doing everything I just read about. Like you, I’m guilty of most of it as well. The good thing about God is He gives chance after chance to get it right. And I plan on doing just that.

      Like

      • Mrs. G.
        October 16, 2014 at 7:35 pm #

        Very true, sister, very true!

        Like

  72. Mrs. G.
    October 16, 2014 at 10:34 am #

    I also want to add that it never, ever occurred to me that I am not supposed to be pursuing my husband. April, do you know of any other books or sources that pertain to this? This is really an eye-opener for me!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      October 20, 2014 at 10:04 am #

      Mrs. G.,

      I’m so glad this blessed you. It is very counter-intuitive to us as wives, particularly as strong-willed wives, or wives with strong personalities.

      I am not sure about books that address this specifically. These are ways we can smother our husbands. Some books that address this issue indirectly would be:

      – Bob Grant’s ebook “The Women Men Adore and Never Want to Leave”
      – Shaunti Feldhahn’s “For Women Only”
      – “How to Talk So Your Husband Will Listen, and Listen So Your Husband Will Talk” by Rick Johnson
      – “Sacred Influence” by Gary Thomas
      – “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace

      Much love!
      April

      Like

  73. Jeanell Nelson
    October 27, 2014 at 3:01 am #

    I’ve been married to my husband for a little over 3 years. A couple of days ago he told me he thought he wanted a divorce. He says he needs space but not to rule out the possibility that we would actually go through the divorce. At first I was texting everything I could find online and he told me to stop so I’ve stopped. I’ve prayed and prayed my husband believes in God but doesn’t attend church regular the way I do.I’ve taken a look at myself and saw myself as needy, wanting him to cater to my every whim and not being affectionate are just a few. I’m now worried that I won’t be able to exercise the change in me. He is bipolar and says he’s not happy with me, he’s not on meds so I made an appointment for him and he said he appreciated it. I feel like I have no control and don’t know if I should be preparing to divorce or just not talk to him at all even to say hi and bye.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      October 27, 2014 at 8:02 am #

      Jeanell,

      Goodness. What a painful situation! We actually had a discussion about this exact topic a few days ago on my Peacefulwife Blog FB page. You are welcome to check it out. I hope to have a post about this topic in the next week or so.

      In the mean time. I believe I Peter 3:1-6 and I Corinthians 7 (the part about if an unbeliever chooses to leave) would be God’s instructions for you as His daughter. This would be the most constructive, healing approach you can take. It is the most likely way to draw your husband to you and toward God. You can’t change your husband or open his spiritual eyes. You can repel him. Or you can influence him for Christ. But, as you respect his decision and allow him space and time to think and respond in a godly, calm, poised, self-controlled way, you have the best shot at healing this marriage. If you choose to cling, cry to him, yell, scream, manipulate, lecture, criticize or force him to come back to you – you will only repel him even more.

      Men are kind of like cats. The more you try to force them to do what you want, the less likely they are to do it. But if you are relaxed and calm and open to them, they are more likely to come to you. They don’t like to be told what to do or to have wives make demands. No one likes that.

      I have lots of posts here about respect and biblical submission that I believe will be a blessing.

      If he is bipolar and not on meds, that makes a HUGE difference. If he is not in his right mind, he cannot make wise decisions and is not “himself” right now. I am glad you made an appointment for him and that he seems willing to go.

      When a husband has an uncontrolled mental health disorder, you cannot expect him to act the way he would if he were in good emotional/mental health. It could be wise to just wait and see how he is doing when he gets treatment. But, I would suggest seeking godly, wise, experienced, biblical counsel in person – or even seeking some mental health resources for spouses for support. I don’t write for wives whose husbands are having uncontrolled bi-polar issues. But there are resources available.

      Much love to you! I am praying for you!

      Like

    • Peacefulwife
      October 27, 2014 at 10:59 am #

      Jeanell,
      Oh! Please check out these posts:

      A Peaceful Separated Wife
      A Peaceful Divorced Wife
      A Separated Wife Finally Begins to Experience the Peace of God in Her Life

      And, I invite you to check out the posts from about 2 weeks ago about being an ungodly woman and also godly femininity.

      Much love!

      Like

  74. L.Thomas
    October 28, 2014 at 10:45 pm #

    Reading this post has truely reassured me. My husband and I have been married only 9 months. I love him so dearly but we are at the point of talking divorce. I told myself I was going to relax and give him space let him be who he is, and stop trying to control him and our relationship. I’ve been trying to relax in general, I like to be in control of everyone and everything, but since my husband told me he isn’t sure he wants to continue with our marriage I’ve been trying to understand more. I know it may be too late but I’m praying and praising more and speaking less. Letting go is completely hard, I’ve been working at it for 2 weeks. This really gave me the encouragement to keep going even though it’s tough. I told my husband that I would not give up on him and our marriage and I meant that.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      October 29, 2014 at 8:09 am #

      L.Thomas,

      It is wonderful to meet you! I am so very sorry to hear how painful things have become in your marriage. Are you dealing with anything like mental health issues, drug/alcohol abuse, infidelity or severe issues?

      If not, I would like to invite you to read the posts at the top of my home page about respect, disrespect and biblical submission. 🙂 Also, you may want to search my home page for:

      – idol
      – idolatry
      – contentment
      – Stages of this Journey

      You are VERY early in your journey. This is a long, long journey – to know God more and to become the women He desires us to be. It is a lifetime process. But, as you focus on your relationship with Christ and on finding your needs met in Him, I know He can heal you and pour healing into your marriage, as well. We will pray for your marriage to be healed by God. But whether your husband stays or leaves, my deepest prayer is for you to be close to Christ and to live in the center of His will, filled with His power and able to know Him more and more.

      Much love!

      Like

  75. unknown
    December 5, 2014 at 7:47 pm #

    Hello:)
    I have followed this blog for a little. Very good! This is the subject im focusing on now. My husband is a very command man. A mans man. Little affection, but when i do get it it’s very special. He loves me a lot! My husband’s brother is the opposite, very loving and just more romantic kind of guy. He always says to me “hi beautiful!” Asks how my day is, tells me he loves my hugs lol (we have a strictly sister brother relationship! ) but sometimes i do find myself wishing my husband would say hi beautiful, and do these things. he did say that once when we were dating i think… he rarely tells me i look beautiful, he will say you look pretty. Anyways i have to be careful of comparing him. I wonder if i could pray for my husband to say that to me? Or to be more affectionate with his towards me? Or if i should tell him i like that? Hmmm… it sure would mean more if he made that decision on his own. Oh well:) we need to take the love language test. But i am not sure even if he knew i needed words he would use them?

    God bless!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      December 6, 2014 at 6:21 am #

      unknown,
      It is great to meet you!

      I would definitely suggest being extremely careful NOT to compare your husband to his brother. Comparing always gets us in big time trouble! Does your husband know about how his brother talks to you? What does he say about it? “The Snare of Comparing”

      Your husband may not be super verbal. If he says you look pretty – that is awesome! A lot of husbands don’t give compliments at all. “Help My Husband Never Compliments Me!”

      What is your husband’s personality? Maybe he is more introverted? Maybe he shows love in other ways? Does he show love by providing for you and by doing things for you? Was he more affectionate in the past? When did that change?

      How do you respond when your husband doesn’t say and do the things you want him to do?

      Is he feeling respected?

      The love language thing – you already know what you would like. You can ask for what you would like, gently, respectfully, in a friendly, positive way – probably once – or very, very occasionally. (a few times a year, for example) i.e.: “Honey, it means so much to me when you do X, Y or Z. I really like that.” End of talking about it. 🙂 Please be sure to thank him and praise him any time he does show love to you in any way.

      But you cannot force your husband to show love the way you want him to. You may discover that he IS showing you love already in his own way. If you can learn to receive love the way he gives it – I think you will be able to enjoy him a lot more and accept his personality instead of wanting him to be different.

      Much love to you!

      Like

  76. Savannah
    February 24, 2015 at 1:55 am #

    I needed to read this. God literally put this in my face. I’ve been looking for answers and knew I needed to trust HIM. I realize now, I’ve been EXACTLY the woman described. I’ve been wanting to save my marriage, but pressuring him to be constantly affectionate and hurt when he isnt, he can never win, I need to give us space, but I made him an idol in my eyes. I need to stop, leave him be,and trust in my heavenly Father to fulfill my needs. Thank you for writing this. I will read it everyday to remind me. Please pray for me. Thank you!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      February 24, 2015 at 11:00 am #

      Savannah,

      It is so easy to make our husbands or our own feeling loved or our happiness into things we put above Christ. We don’t even realize what we are doing!?!? That is the scariest part to me.
      I’m thrilled to meet you and so excited about what God is doing and will do in your life.

      This can be a painful journey, especially at first. You can search my home page for “fellow wife” and find more of this author’s posts and follow her journey over the past 2.5 years.

      And, you may want to search my home page for:

      – fear
      – discontentment
      – idol
      – idolatry
      – contentment
      – happiness

      My youtube channel, April Cassidy, also has a video about “Why Men Sometimes Need Space” that may be helpful.

      I’m right here if you need to talk some more!

      Much love!

      Like

  77. Cassandra freeland
    February 27, 2015 at 1:05 am #

    What you say, is so very smart and painful, embarrassing, ! I am all those things and was hard to see in writing without turning my head in shame! I did all the wrong things for so long, I don’t no if its repairable? I also, tried to leave alone, not ask. When, I did this, things got worse. Now he never wants sleep in same bed, or touch what so ever. Maybe once a year for last 5 years. I love him, so very much . I think I’m killing us both. What now? Please, share ur thoughts, I’m confused. I can’t fix anything until this is solved, one way or another. Thank you, very much for listening

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      February 27, 2015 at 8:29 am #

      Cassandra,

      I definitely understand your pain!

      Can you please tell me about your relationship with Christ?

      What does your husband say about what he wants/needs?

      I would also encourage you to check out the posts about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page, I think they may provide some valuable insights.

      You are not alone on this journey! Thousands of us are on it with you. There is hope and healing available in Christ. He is able to meet our deepest needs in ways our husbands cannot. When we have Him in the proper place, He can empower us to be wives that are blessings to our husbands instead of us being so needy and clingy and trying to make our husbands take the place of God to us. I hope that makes sense.

      Some other posts that may help – please search my home page for idol, idolatry.

      Much love!

      Like

  78. Christina
    April 9, 2015 at 3:45 am #

    I’ve been struggling with this from just about day one of marriage haha. And wow, this opened my eyes to the truth. The thing that hit me the most was the “biggest fears” part. I’m always afraid that if I let him be he might just forget me and become attracted to another woman if she were to give him attention and bother him for attention , but that just shows how little faith I have in God and in him. This is going to help me a lot. I’m going to meditate on this every day and honestly I just want to say that this probably saved my marriage. God Bless You. I always let my worries get to Mr and control me into controlling him and I hate myself afterwards. But this is something I can read every day to remind myself that I’m just going to make things worse than they’d ever be if I just let things be.

    Like

    • Christina
      April 9, 2015 at 3:47 am #

      Plus I think I’ve been idolizing him and I didn’t even notice it until I read this. I knew something wasn’t right in my relationship with Jesus, and now I know it’s because I’ve been putting my husband first.

      Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 9, 2015 at 8:01 am #

      Christina,

      I idolized my husband, too, for so long and had no idea that I was doing this. How I praise God for what He is showing you! You can search “idol”, idolatry”, “fear”, “bitterness”, and “expectations” on my home page for more posts that may be helpful. 🙂

      I can’t wait to see what Jesus is about to do in your heart, mind, and soul. 🙂

      Thank you for sharing! I hope you will let me know how you are doing and what you are learning.

      Much love, my dear sister!

      Like

  79. LAwife
    April 12, 2015 at 9:14 pm #

    Thank you SO MUCH for this. I’ve been married almost 2 years and I’ve struggled getting my desire for affirmation met. My family is very affectionate verbally and physically. His is not, so we have different expectations. This post is filled with helpful wisdom and i am reminded to think of all the nonverbal ways that my husband consistently shows me love.
    Thank you!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 13, 2015 at 8:20 am #

      LAwife,
      You are most welcome!

      You may want to search my home page for the following phrases to find related posts:

      – fellow wife
      – bitterness
      – husband space
      – control
      – controlling
      – make husband an idol

      Much love to you! 🙂

      Like

  80. Jennifer Umbs
    April 21, 2015 at 11:18 am #

    Thank you for answering the call to start blogging about this topic. I’ve been a controlling wife for over a year. It started way before we got married. I have a very type A personality and I’m very direct. I didn’t know it was true controlling behavior until God revealed it to me. I’m a work in progress. The past hurts are a stronghold on my husband right now. We start seeing a Biblical counselor this coming monday. I feel we are in a spiritual battle. I have a long history of abuse and some sexual abuse. My controlling nature started when I felt I could have control back in my life. The problem is that I started controlling the men in my life. Deep wound. There is hope. God is revealing things to me in this season of my life. I’ve become more calm, peace, and joyful. This change took place about 3 weeks ago. How do I help my husband push through the past and grab on to the future? My heart is weeping and torn. The damage I caused I can’t undo, but I have repented many times and acknowledge my weakness. My husband says I treat him like garbage. That cuts me to the core. I know my heart and God does too. My intentions are good just poorly executed. I’ll continue to reference this site as I feel there are great tools to overcome this weakness. Thank you for the willingness to help other wives!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 21, 2015 at 11:44 am #

      Jennifer,
      It is wonderful to meet you, my precious sister! I wish I could hug your neck!

      I am so terribly sorry to hear what you have experienced. That certainly explains why you felt the need to try to control men. I can understand why you became controlling. Absolutely. And yet, control will never get you what you want – intimacy. I’m glad you see that already. 🙂

      You may want to search my home page for some terms and read the posts:

      – control
      – fear
      – bitterness
      – idol
      – idolatry
      – insecurity
      – security
      – apologizing stories
      – drill sergeant
      – ungodly woman
      – godly femininity

      There are many, many posts here that I believe might bless you. But I am glad you are seeing a biblical counselor because with the history you have of abuse – you will need some extra specialized help to walk through all the baby steps, wounds, and warped ways of thinking that came from all of that. Thankfully, there is every reason for hope and healing in Christ!

      I have posts for husbands, if you think he might be willing to read any. One that could be helpful might be “Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?”

      I’m right here if you want to talk. Praying for healing for you both!

      Like

  81. Naomi
    May 10, 2015 at 7:44 pm #

    Thank you for the great article.
    My name is Naomi. I am a Christian all my life.My Husband and I have been married for 3 years now and I was just reading your article and think I’m the controlling wife that you mentioned.
    Here’s my story. For a year after we got married, we lived with his parents and his brother in a house together coz it was his life before marriage and he’s the owner of the house. So, there was problems with in laws, coz his parents are demanding type and the kind of people who would just come in and out of our bedroom like there’s no door. So, long story short, we moved out to an apartment after that. However, my insecurity grows on and on and as he is still paying for that house and I feel like he’s too obedient to his parents and never say no to them. We had fights when his parents are demanding too much in my eyes, but I always back out and agreed coz I love him and don’t wanna be the bad guy of the situation. But because he knows I would get upset, he now filtered the info he is giving me and would lie to me straight to my face.
    For example at lunch times he took off to his parents or his siblings from work and he lied to me he didn’t go anywhere. So, because of the lies, I always have doubts and there’s always trust issues.
    I have become so obsessed with my husband and I know that mainly because I don’t have a family or friends around me. Both of my parents have passed away and I don’t know which is theright way towards these issues, who is right and who is wrong. I have no one to ask. For example last week he went to see his family and I knew it from other people but when I asked he lied to me and yes he didn’t know I knew it and I feel like I should let him know coz that would make him upset and embarrassed or angry. I have no problem with him meeting his family, it’s his right but I just want to know it from him and not from other people and be surprised and above all not being lied. So I felt heart broken alone. I’m feeling I might have done something wrong to steer our marriage this way and the only thing I can do would be changing myself and my perception. Am I too controlling wanting to know what he did where he went everyday especially if he went to spend time with his family? I know I am very insecure and needy for love and I need a cure.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      May 10, 2015 at 9:27 pm #

      Naomi,

      It is so wonderful to meet you! 🙂

      That sounds like a very difficult situation. God commands two primary things for us to do when we marry a spouse – to leave our parents and to cling to each other. When we don’t do both of these things – it is usually a mess.

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      What was your parents’ marriage like? I’m so sorry to hear that they have passed away. I am sure you miss them terribly!

      Are there any major issues like actual abuse, drug/alcohol addictions, mental illness, criminal activity or anything else really major going on?

      Much love to you!

      Like

      • Naomi
        May 10, 2015 at 11:18 pm #

        Thanks for the reply. I do miss my mom terribly. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom left him and took us with her when we were really young. I didn’t have any contact with my father since I was 5 until he passed away. My mom was a single mom, never remarried and she took care of us with huge heart, so you can say I am from a broken family, and I had an abusive aunt babysitting us while I was young. I didn’t have a great childhood. I am a believer but my husband isn’t and that’s another problem I am facing most of the days coz I tried to push him towards christ and his family is pushing him towards buddhism and he’s in the middle trying to please us. He is a kind and loving man and after I got married I left my hometown to be with him while I started studying from home again. So, I am mostly all alone without family, without any true friends. As I don’t have anyone apart from him, I also wanted him to feel the way I do and I can see that it is not working out if I continue going that way which I think of controlling after reading your article. I realized to get a peaceful, joyful relationship I need to change myself and my ways.

        Like

  82. lumasi
    May 13, 2015 at 7:52 am #

    I have a problem with my husband I am 3 yeas in marriage and I have experienced the most boring 3 years of my life, at first my husband was not working very good hence I was supposed to take more responsibilities in the house and now he is self employed and I helped him when he started and we agreed that he will come home each months with the receipt book so we see if the business is doing great it was last year august and now it is may and he has not shown me any thing am I wrong in wanting to know how the business is doing ? Secondly we don’t have a nanny and our 3 year old girl goes to chreche and I also work a hectic job I come back tired I have to cook clean everytime I have to ask him to assist clearing the place when I’m busy with something he just sit on the sofa, and also I heard do to others what u want them to do to u I tried to buy him stuff and he does not learn anything and I come to realise that he is selfish and I have withdrawn doing anything for him, I feel like I’m married to a child because everytime I ask him something I have to remind him 5 times if not more and still he says he forgot and I get angry. Even when I’m sick I do the washing. I have tried praying and ask God for wisdom and It just get worse he ask stupid questions and it really irritated me pls I need advise

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      May 14, 2015 at 8:51 am #

      lumasi,

      It is a pleasure to meet you, my friend! 🙂 But I am so sorry to hear about how difficult things have been.

      Does your husband have any mental health issues or is he addicted to drugs or alcohol that you know of?

      You are not wrong to want to know how the business is doing. What have you said to him about that he hasn’t shown you the receipts? What does he say about the business?

      What does your husband say when you tell him you are overwhelmed with working and cooking and cleaning and taking care of your daughter?

      Would he consider allowing you to stay home? Or to reduce your hours?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      How do you talk to him when you ask him to do things?

      Was he like this before you got married?

      Is it possible that he is feeling really disrespected?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Are you experiencing God’s joy and peace most days?

      Much love!
      April

      Like

  83. Anonymous
    June 1, 2015 at 11:08 pm #

    Hi, this is a great post. I have a question though…how can I submit to my husband in everything? Sometimes what he wants me to do or act or wear is not how Gods word wants me to be. So its either I listen to my husband and go against Gods word or listen to His word and not listen to my husband which would then result in me not submitting to him “in everything”. I can totally understand how a woman can submit when the husband is wise and only wants good for her, and loves her like his own body. When he cares for her and is gentle towards her…to sum it up is everything the Bible says he should be. But when hes not in his place, how can I be in my place?
    An example is when he wants me to wear something that I see as seductive and inappropriate in public. This always seems to start arguments even if i try to gently explain why I cant wear something like that…
    What do I do in situations like that?
    Someone please help.
    Im young and have been married only for 1 year. I want a strong, loving, God-fearing relationship with my husband and am willing to do all that I need to do.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 1, 2015 at 11:21 pm #

      Anonymous,

      These are really important auestions. Please check out the following posts at the top of my home page:
      Spiritual Authority
      Biblical Submission

      And please search my home page for “submission does not = the husband is always right”

      Let me know if those posts are helpful.

      Mcuh love!
      April

      Like

  84. Jamthorne
    June 14, 2015 at 11:59 pm #

    Hello. I just stumbled onto your blog and didn’t know I was doing everything wrong. I’ve been married to my hubby for 2 years. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions. I haven’t had a job for a year and my husband handles all the bills. I’m grateful for that but he doesn’t give me any money. We’ve argued over this and it hasn’t gotten better. On top of that, my hubby doesn’t kisses me much, hates when I touch him and controls our sex. We only have sex when he is ready which leads me to be sexual frustrated. We go weeks and he sees nothing wrong. I’m not even sure he understands what intimacy is or how to do it. I feel like I’m begging him. If I want a hug or kiss, I turned to my daughter. I just feel like he doesn’t understands me and I don’t know what to do. When he is aggravated with me, he’d scratch his head and look away. When I touch him, hug him or attempt to kiss him, he sighs hard and I feel like I’m needy. I thought about an emotional relationship with someone else but I want him. Please help me because I’m at wits end.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 15, 2015 at 7:44 am #

      Jamthorne,

      This sounds very frustrating and painful. I’m so sorry for this difficult time you have been going through!

      What was your relationship like before you got married?

      Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

      What does your husband say he needs in the marriage?

      Have you ever tried being content in yourself with God and allowing your husband the freedom to make his own decisions without trying to pressure him?

      Does he have any mental illness, active addictions, or serious sin issues?

      Does he have medical issues relating to his ability to have sex?

      What do you do when you want affection and attention and he refuses to do what you want?

      Does he know that you are feeling tempted to look elsewhere?

      Much love to you!

      Like

      • Jamthorne
        June 16, 2015 at 12:26 pm #

        He has no sec issues. He’s not addicted to anything. I gave him freedom with $1600 and he thought of himself. I am going through my walk with Christ. I want to be a better person. I pray alone. I try asking him to pray with me abd it’s a no go. I m confused. I thought it would get better once married and it hasn’t.

        Like

  85. Jamie
    June 22, 2015 at 3:29 pm #

    I really like this post and actually I’m like this naturally so I’m confused how to move forward. I’m a very independent woman but also very sensitive. My independence comes across tough to men. Some men have loved it while my husband seems in between. He is a recovered/forgiven womanizer. I have a long history with him (18 years) but we’ve only been married 6 months. I recommitted my life to the Lord January 2013 and brought him to Lord the same month. He has always been with weak willed women and never married them. His family and friends have made it clear to me I’m the “one” who never took his nonsense. Yes, I always forgave and was optimistic he would change for me but every disappointment I would walk away. We played this chase game until I told him may 2014 I was done and to stay away from me. 7 months went by with no contact and I was fully focused on the Lord, healing and pursuing new goals. Then one day I received a text. I’ve always been a girl who doesn’t like holding grudges and sincerely wishing the best and knowing God is the ultimate decision maker. So I replied with cautious but kind words. He (as I had expected) pursued me again. Showing me how he had grown in his walk with the Lord, maturing from the womanizing habits and adding more responsibility to himself. I watch pleasantly surprised and happy for him. I agreed to friendship but quickly fell back in love. He was treating me so well and we made a decision to marry. (Previously engaged 3X and cancelled wedding) my parents are strong foundation rooted Pastors and married us on a whim.
    Things got shaky quickly. Thankfully he kept communication with his spiritual mentor who is a good husband and this kept him trying. I’ve reached out to our Pastor and he has been a helper in a few of our very hard moments. But now he’s consumed with work and his thirst for God is waning. He considers himself a strong godly man but he has given up on praying together, studying together. The last few weeks he’s been insensitive, mean, silent, distant. We’ve not had sex in a couple weeks.(I know but for a man who always wants to, this is odd) the goodbye kisses have stopped and same with the “I love you’s” . Last few days have been better but I feel he’s still holding back. He has complained that I don’t try/I’m unloving because I’ve always been the girl who holds back out of fear of rejection. However this has always helped me because I’m looked at as a “unclingy” woman. I don’t like to be overly pursued myself so I always have the same.

    So this is where I’m stumped. I believe 100% that I should continue to be a quiet and meek spirit and show respect. (I’ve read Love and Respect) but I also wonder if he’s looking for me to pursue him? A few weeks back God spoke to me audibly for the first time. I was beside myself from the excitement. He was working with me on my root of rejection and said “trust your husband” and after debating myself that it was really Him and not me being crazy, I answered with “but I just can’t etc etc…” (Yes I know) and He then again spoke and said “Do you trust Me?” The overwhelming loving conviction hit me hard and I wept for hours. I keep going back to His words, praying over this situation but just would like a little advice from others.

    Thank you!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 22, 2015 at 4:41 pm #

      Jamie,

      It’s wonderful to meet you! I am thrilled about all that God is doing in your life. But my heart aches for you both with the pain you are experiencing.

      I would love for you to check out the posts at the top of my home page about spiritual authority, biblical submission, disrespect, and respect – and let me know what God speaks to you. Then let’s look at your questions again together.

      Much love to you!

      Like

  86. Mee
    June 24, 2015 at 2:32 pm #

    Hi,
    Thank you for ur article, it tells of my fears but also give the answer.
    I havent married yet, but me and my bf are in condition where he stop contacting me like before. Before he keeps making jokes or want to know ab my feelings, but now he is very cold. We have long distance relationship. He changed when he got new job.
    I am afraid that he will stop loving me if I dont make any calls or texts.. but after read ur article, do u think all I have done with text him or call him is a kind of controlling?
    Still afraid anyway if he will move to other girl there.. as I am far and cant show him my support to him or do smthng to show him that I care..
    if I do nothing like stop initiating to contact him, is there a chance for him to contact me back? I tried this, and he not contact me back for a day, maybe it would be more days 😦
    He read my messages but not reply…
    Pls tell me how to behave?

    Thank you.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 25, 2015 at 10:32 am #

      Mee,

      I don’t really know enough to know what you should do. But it sounds like something may be wrong.

      How is your walk with Christ?

      Like

  87. RebeccaAnn
    June 30, 2015 at 6:34 am #

    This post almost makes me wonder if you actually know me… *laughs* I have been a bit… too… aggressive? in my need for attention with my husband. Apparently, without my knowing it or wishing to realize it, it has gotten to where he actually brought it up and was trying to find what it is/was in my childhood that makes me crave attention so much. He never does that with anyone unless the matter is very pressing. I will admit, I am quite a loner when I am not at work, and even then I deal with people from a distance. That is my choice for reasons of that I simply prefer to be alone most of the time with my own thoughts. Still… it is not good for my husband to have to listen to me and my insecurities. Yet, if he doesn’t, who will? Do I even matter? These thoughts run through my head, yet, as your post itereated, I simply have to put my faith in G~d and in my husband. No flower can bloom if first it is not allowed room to grow. So too, is my husband, and so too am I.

    Be blessed always.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 30, 2015 at 3:36 pm #

      RebeccaAnn,

      We have so many similar temptations. I think it is so important for us to see that the enemy attacks us in ways that he also uses with many, many other people, as well. This can help us recognize what he is up to. And our own sinful natures are so similar, as well. We can learn from each other!

      I would love for you to search my home page search bar for these terms and read the related posts – I believe they will point you to Christ and healing:

      – idol
      – idolatry
      – idols
      – needy
      – fear
      – control
      – insecurity
      – security
      – separation paradox
      – husband emotion

      Much love to you! I’m right here if you want to talk some more. I know this is a TOUGH thing to unlearn – and it takes a lot of individual prayer and wrestling. But sometimes it can be so helpful to talk through it with someone else who has been down this road.

      Like

  88. She Sat Still
    July 4, 2015 at 5:17 pm #

    Thank you for writing this. It’s such an important post. It’s so counter culture, but really needs to sink in. Even with great intentions and not trying to control, we, as women, so often manifest insecurity the same way and we try to make sure everything is in order. We see problems and want them to be fixed because we crave health. It’s very hard to wait, to trust God. Still, only God is Sovereign over anyone and the husband underneath God is over his wife, so the only healthy choice is to trust God and to give up all trying to lead her husband. It’s very hard to fight fear, but it’s much much worse to give into it. That quote is so great. I have heard it said, “The only thing worse than a man you can’t control, is a man you can control.”

    Like