“I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband” (in the wrong ways)
Today’s post is from a Fellow Wife who is determined to stop demanding things from her husband and to learn to give him space and allow him to make his own choices without trying to make him choose to give her attention, affection, phone calls, emails, texts, etc… We are NOT talking about giving him the cold shoulder, resenting him, giving up on the marriage, giving up on loving and respecting our husbands here. This is about stopping ourselves from attempting to force our husbands to give us the attention, love and affection we want. It is about stopping trying to control our husbands in an unhealthy way. I am not saying “don’t ever say what you need or want.” I also invite you to check out her follow up in September, 2014 to see what a difference God has made in this wife’s life and in her marriage! It is VERY MUCH worth your time!
- Stop calling him so often. (Limit calls to when issues are immediate/letting him know about the kids & I after dr appts)
- Stop asking him every day after work, “So, did you think of me today while you were at work?”
- Allow him the time and space to be affectionate and sexual.
- Tell him when I would like to go out and leave it open for him to take it from there/respond in his own way.
- Give him more time and space overall… pulling back a bit can draw him to me. (Men respond to distance, not words). Allow my distance to speak rather than my words.
- Remember that it is not healthy for me to pursue him for either me or our marriage. Remember it should be him pursuing me. Give him that chance.
- Not talk about this subject with him anymore unless he asks me questions or brings it up. I said I was done so be done. When I feel hurt or overwhelmed, choose to pray about it instead and ask God to work on him, me & our marriage.
- Stop fishing or hinting for compliments.
- Not expect my husband to be Christ to me – to see disappointment in him as a flag that I may have my husband as an idol.
- Allow him to CHOOSE to be with me or not when the kids and I cannot attend church events or family functions due to illnesses. Let go of this and do not try to demand for him to stay with us.
- Stop trying to prove to his family how much he loves me & stop trying to push him into showing it. This only makes me look insecure. Instead, give him the space to show it and it will mean MUCH more when he does. They will get the point MUCH better that way.
- Continue to try to meet his needs, be a respectful wife and be grateful for any effort I see.
- Realize and remember that anything his family does has more to do with them than me. That speaks of THEIR personal problems and issues and is not my problem.
- Remember that no matter how his family acts, they cannot and will not change the fact that he deeply loves me.
But verbal pressure does not usually motivate men!
- It is not that a husband in this position doesn’t care about his wife or love her. The issue is that he needs some space to breathe and he needs less pressure so that he can do what he believes is best on his own.
I have heard it said, “The only thing worse than a man you can’t control, is a man you can control.”
- What if he really doesn’t love me and never talks to me, touches me, emails me or even stays in the same room with me again?
- If I don’t constantly tell him what I need and want, how will he know what I want?
- He doesn’t really care about making me happy at all – now my backing away is just going to prove how unloving he is.
- I have to give up on my dream marriage if I don’t try to make it work right. I may lose everything that matters to me if I stop trying to control things.
GOOD NEWS:
What most wives don’t realize is – when they take their emotional hands off of their husbands’ emotional throats – and they calm down and just wait – THAT is pretty attractive to most husbands. A calm, gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear attracts God and husbands.
No, there is no guarantee that your husband will be more loving if you stop trying to control him. But – if you continue to try to control him, I can guarantee you he won’t be more loving! God’s way works. He has wisdom that is infinitely higher than our own. 🙂 Men respond much better to respect and a joyful, cooperative attitude, than angry demands.
UNDERSTANDING A HUSBAND’S LOVE
Many wives do not realize that a husband’s love is usually pretty stable and constant. Unless he leaves, or is cheating or actively saying, “I don’t love you anymore,” most husbands’ love remains pretty constant day after day. Most husbands don’t understand why wives seem to need so much reassurance of their love. They believe they are showing love by providing for the family, being there, being faithful, doing things to help their wives and children. Words don’t always mean a lot to men. They often try to show their love through actions.
When I began to understand my husband’s concept of love, I was able to just rest in the knowledge of his love – even without constant words of affirmation and assurance. But also, I put my primary trust and faith in Jesus and rest in His love and peace – so I can be unshaken.
DYING TO SELF IS PAINFUL. TEARING OUT IDOLS IS PAINFUL.
This is a difficult part of the journey – where we must lay down all of our dreams, our wisdom, our plans, our desires, our marriage, our husbands, our future, our happiness… and lay it on the altar before Jesus. We must be willing to give up what we want so much – the things we have wanted more than we wanted Jesus. And it is time to seek His will, His wisdom, His plans, His desires, His priorities and hold everything loosely so that He can give and take whatever He sees is best.
Will we trust God? Or will we continue to trust self – which is idolatry?
It is a pivotal moment in our spiritual lives and our marriages.
Is God really big enough to meet my needs and take care of me if I trust Him? Is He sovereign enough?
These are questions we must each wrestle through on our own. I am glad to talk with you and encourage you and pray for you as you wrestle through these difficult issues and decide for yourself whether God is worthy of your trust, worship, adoration and total submission to His Lordship or not.
I promise – there is no peace apart from trusting Christ with ALL.
The Peaceful Wife 
I can tell you from experience that stopping all pursuit of your husband and concentrating on your love and devotion to God is the right thing to do. Men do not respond to pressure. i don’t know your story up until now, but my story is one of a wonderful husband shutting down completely on me and I had absolutely NO idea why. I was totally devastated. To have him look me in the eyes and say he love me but didn’t have ANY feelings for me as far as the butterflies he had always gotten when he touched me, was the most pain I think I have ever felt. i just wanted to get in my car and drive to the end of the earth and jump off! He offered me no reason whatsoever…that was just how it was!
I had to figure it all out by myself..well not by myself….me and the Lord! But first, I had to go through all the crying, asking what I had done or not done, getting up in the middle of the night and storming out of the house suit case in hand only to have him chase me down and tell me he didn’t want me to leave and didn’t know why I was in “such a hurry to end this thing” but yet wouldn’t talk to me, touch me, text me, NOTHING! We lived together like strangers for several months. I mentioned marriage counseling and he agreed quickly. We went to about 5 sessions. When the counselor asked what was going on with us, I told him I had no idea, to ask my husband because “he was the one with the problem, not me!”
So…to bring you to where I am today; someone in his family mentioned to me that they were learning about the whole “respect” thing and how that is what men are wired to feel, not love etc. I immediately got online and found the book “Love and Respect” and went and bought it that day. I didn’t put it down. What I was seeing before my very eyes, was the control freak I had been for 20 years. So I started praying sincerely for God to show me what to do and not do. I remember crying so hard one night when he wasn’t home that I felt like my whole insides sort of “purged” if you will and I was so mentally and physically spent when I finished, I could hardly get up and walk. That was the beginning of the Lord actually revealing to me all the times I had disrespected my husband…He is still revealing things to me almost daily..hindsight is truly 20/20.
You must do those things in your lists. Whatever you do, don’t call him or text him. It’s like the comical made up country song title “How can I miss you if you won’t go away!”
Over the last couple of months, I have just spent my time praying, listening to gospel music, and praising God for bringing me down about 150 pegs to get my attention. He has a way of doing that. I have repented to my hubby for my years of disrespect and also to God for my disobedience to Him in many ways all of these years. I don’t start conversation with my husband at all. I’m quiet. He has started talking to me, quite a bit actually. I listen and am interested…not looking at my phone or laptop and nodding like I used to…not really listening. This has made a huge difference.
I don’t just “act” happy, but I am happy…in the Lord…so that is making a difference because I’m not “debbie downer” around him so there is no pressure.
I have tried pursuing him a little intimately, which I can tell he doesn’t want…that is me trying to control again, so no more of that either!!
Just pray turn it all over to God, be willing to listen and learn from this experience. Be there for him when he is ready to talk…and listen…it will make a difference. You have to come to a point where you don’t get hurt when he feels unloving, because God has to replace that happiness within you…totally and completely. And don’t have expectations…like don’t think I didn’t call him all day and it didn’t make a difference yet…be patient..willing to wait days, months, years…whatever it takes and know that when your quiet, he can hear God’s voice much better to work in his heart!
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Thank you for sharing this, LTL! I wonder if you might allow me to use it as a post? 🙂 This is GREAT STUFF!
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For my case, I stopped pursuing him and he grew further distant. I do text him if I am going to be working late or for some other schedule change. We are now merely roommates. He makes no effort to spend time with me or our son. When we invite him to do things, he behaves like a bear with a sore head. He barely talks to me. He has not wanted intimacy from me in years. I miss my husband, but when I have tried to talk with him about my concerns he says that this is my problem and I have to sort it out myself. I don’t remember the last compliment he has given me other than for cooking and even that is a mixed bag. I worry about his mental health and have suggested counseling. We try to support him emotionally, lift him up, respect him, but I have failed to be the wife he wanted. As I grow more depressed about this situation, the more distant I grow. My son and I love him so much and are so sad. It feels like he is just living in the house and just has not found the time to do something else.
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Catherine,
Do you have a godly mentoring wife or Christian woman counselor you can talk with? When did all of this start? What is his relationship with Christ? Was he ever abused, is there an addiction going on? What was his parents’ marriage like? Have there been job stresses on him lately?
What does he say he needs or wants?
How I wish I could hug your neck and pray with you!!!!!
Much love,
April
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I’m afraid I’m in the same situation as Catherine. The more I give him space the more he is happy with it. He says he does not “need” it like I do. So sad and hard to live with.
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After doing some research on how to improve my marriage I found your article and it really helped to get my mind straight on what I have been doing wrong in my marriage and what I need to do on my end to make things better. I have just found a new church to go to and have been praying on this that it will be made right.
A little background. This is a second marriage for us both. A little over a year into this marriage and he is spitting out complaints at light speed. I know I cannot fix what bothers him or what his issues are only pray that he will be able to fix himself. As for my part I’ve had jealousy issues and hold my husband as my idol expecting him to be responsible for my happiness. After reading your post I have realized that I need to fix some things here. I need to stop pursuing my husband and give him some time to breathe.
In my heart I’m still worried that he may not try to fix his issues, one of which is gambling online at the horses. He says this is the most important thing in his life and he needs to succeed at it. He also needs time alone to do it. There are so many things that feed into our situation. I guess I have a lot of fear he won’t want to stay feeling the horses are more important than anything we have here. He has also told me he doesn’t like being married at times or like having a house. It’s not often but still hurtful. How do I get past the fear?
Thank you for your wonderful article!
L
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Lynn,
It is a pleasure to meet you! 🙂
May I ask a few questions, please?
Is your husband addicted to gambling?
How much is he gambling?
Why does he need to be alone to do it?
How long has this been going on?
How much money has he lost?
Does he have any mental health disorders?
Is there any other addiction going on or infidelity or anything else major going on?
Much love to you!
April
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He has been gambling for over 20 yrs. He does go to work every day and doesn’t over spend on it but I still feel it is an addiction. He needs time alone to watch horse races and what he wants to bet. If he has people bothering him and talking to him it takes time away from him trying to succeed at his main goal in life – which is to make money gambling horses so he doesn’t have to have a regular job. I don’t know that he has any mental health disorders. No there is no infidelity on either of our parts. I do believe that we love each other very much but he was single for a long time after his 1st wife had an affair on him and I feel that he is having trouble getting adjusted to this marriage. He wants nothing to do with our new house we just built as far as any work he seems disconnected almost. That being said we do have good times together and do stuff we enjoy and he is a nice guy but his words are very painful to me when he says the things he does like not liking being married some times and not wanting anything to do with the house etc.
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Lynn,
What is your relationship with Christ?
What is his relationship with Christ?
I assume you knew that he gambled like this when you married him?
What does he say he desires in the marriage?
What do you believe you need?
Much love!
April
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Hi. I read ur experience. N impresessd me . I would need ur help.I m Muslim girl n doctor. I must say. Its been 3 months I noticed change in behaviour of my hubby. He ddn call me. So I got him on viber and started texting to him ,he replied. I was happy . But now he is completely off for a month. N says viber z not working. I also hadnt contacted him in dat time of his ignorance. What ur msg touched me z God. M praying day and night. I used to cry a lot in nights on my bad luck
.I loves my hubby v much. N not able to afford his ignorance. U help.me. he also has another woman in his life. In start he had claimed dat ev thing would b OK as he is dere for me. Vat hppnd to him now? Its been only two months. But m feeling I hv lost him
.u please tell me what to do? I would b thankful.
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Laila,
I am not sure what exactly you need to do. He is with another woman and hasn’t contacted you any more? 😦 What a painful situation. 😦
The only hope any of us have that I can offer to you is Christ. He is able to heal your heart and bring you the joy and peace you need. He may even heal your marriage. But that is not a guarantee. He is God (the One and only God) who put on a human body, lived a perfect life that you and I couldn’t live and took the wrath of God on Himself for our sins. He offers you forgiveness and grace so you can be completely right with God. And when you receive Him, God counts it as you were crucified and buried with Him – the old sinful you. And then He gives you a new heart and a new life. You can know Him closely and be in an amazing relationship with Him here and then in heaven you can be with Him forever. Jesus is the ultimate Bridegroom who never leaves or forsakes those who put their trust and faith in Him. He came to give you abundant life – His love, joy, peace, patience, faithfulness, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control.
I am praying for you!
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I have read this and I know I have a destructive dynamic in my marriage. Everything was fine until 6 months ago. I had accepted my hubby wasn’t affectionate until I came across a somewhat intimate convo with his old childhood friend. Nothing sexual but it made me realize he did have it in him. He was never that sweet to me. I dont trust him anymore because later he started sneaking to talk to her and lied about it to my face. Now I demand his attention feeling like he is only here because of the kids. Wanting something, anything, a response from him on an intimate level. He thinks I am a complete nag now and I dont like how Ive become either. It bothers me to have doubts, I was always secure with him, with myself. I wonder if his heart is somewhere else, it feels like it. We do have sex but no intimate emotional connection whatsoever
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funlovingwife,
Goodness, that is a painful situation. 😦
Is he still in contact with this woman?
How is your relationship with Christ?
What is it that you want your marriage to be like?
I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page, particularly about disrespect and respect. And, I invite you to check out the post from earlier this week, “When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done.” (and the comments on that post). If you want your husband to be drawn to you – there are certain things that draw men that you will need to do. And if you don’t want to repel him, there are certain things you will need to avoid. You have a lot of power to bless and bring healing to your marriage, especially when you allow God to work in and through you and you are willing to do things His way!
Much love to you!
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THANK YOU! THANK YOU! You have no idea how much it helps to read that there is hope, it is very HARD to be patient. Thank you.
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I have been married for last thre years the day I got married and I placed my toiletries he threw them cause he is an alcholic then every day some demand in a bossi way always came from his side one day financially they r sound so that time being new in house I didn’t spend much but taunts from family members and husband for my family were on anywaz I get know after 3 months that I am pregnent to be honest I was so unsure about him that didn’t wanted the baby but his condition was if u don’t do the baby I will leave u anywaz I did during pregnency we shifted our house so pressure from in laws was less but his alcohol increased he use to abuse so I use to revert back too and then eventually it go worse when it became public abusing then his pet line used to give the baby and go
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Then it became worse when it became physical I went toy parents house a couple of times but he did not bother to get me during this period the only attachment he had was with ashrika he them he was traveling once for about 8 days I got no call thinking and thinking I got mad punished myself by not eating had a brain seizure was in the hospital for 5 days then I am prescribed with life medication for this symptom any ways he thought that I just do all this because I don’t work so started going to office so one day he comments take my 2 emplyoees dick in the mouth then always abusing my parents we were off to china on the airport he started abusing before he could say I started shouting on the oft voice he bloody told his mom from that to today he shares each thing I tell him so I don’t share I don’t demand some time back I asked for some extra money he told his mom that she is crazy about money cause she has never seen which is so not true but the most important thing is last 11 days he was out a man who never ever let’s anybody or himself loose his phone lost his phone then calls a friend asks for a new car I and hasn’t touched me for 2months when ever I ask him he says I am tired comes late from work eats and sleep doesnot talk a common friend told me that this man was once talking loose in public to his friends and asking for girls his call history are deleted so r his messages he hardly talks to me if I enter his room he say I have head ache plz go forcing him if I have sex he does if and which I got after months today he says u got what u wanted Naah what does this mean my male friends come over he has no concern why am I living such a life give me a solution plz
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Raina,
It is great to meet you!
I am so sorry things are so painful. You have some very deep and serious issues here, and I believe you will need experienced help either somewhere like the Salvation Army or Al-Anon and maybe a godly pastor or Christian counselor. Please be extremely cautious who you go to for advice.
What is your relationship with Christ?
What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?
Much love to you!
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He does not believe in Christ he believes there is some power or almighty to whom he prays and thanx but does not go to Christ
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Raina,
Thank you, that is very helpful for me to know.
And what is your relationship with Christ, please? 🙂
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Raina are you Catholic Chaldean? If so have you spoken to the priest? It is not okay for him to put his hands on you. It sounds like your parents are supportive. I’m praying for you too & you need help and resources along with a safe exit plan. Meaning you can not be emotional or let him or his family know what your plans are. If he can change only God can do it. It won’t come by your hand. After your safe the advice in this blog is excellent 🙏🏼.
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Well I stopped pursuing my husband of 10years and he left in 2006, going back and forth to his country and back to mine. After 6years, he decided to stop giving me his addresses each time he moved and now tells me he`s not married to me and that i should go pull the trigger and kill myself . We are still married but he tells me he`s taken by his pornography women and to move on with my life. i`m so very angry at his behavior an d verbal and emotional abuse and am a devout christian-jew and love God. When I met my husband he went to church with me, listened to charles Stanley with me on sundays and said he believed in God`s way. 6 months into our relationship he was smoking crack, then switched to steriods while going to the gym and works long hours in construction while making over 200k per year and doesnt give me a cent. So, i have to disaggree with the “stop pursuing him issue here.” thanks
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Dear one,
I am so very sorry to hear about your heartbreaking situation! 😦
When there are drug addictions and major pornography addictions, a wife may need some outside help and support from a godly pastor and his wife, a Christian counselor, Celebrate Recovery, etc.
These kind of severe situations go beyond the scope of my ability to address in a general blog post about marriage.
I do greatly appreciate your willingness to share. How can we pray for you today?
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thanks, Pray for wisedom for me please. I have gone to celebrate recovery for 2 years . Naranon for 7 years, alanon for 10years and I`ve had battered womens counseling in 2005 for 8mo and still have a very difficult time letting go . I was married once before 30years ago and i do not want another divorce as it rips the soul apart.
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“Dear One”
My husband and I were married before. The thought of going through divorce again makes me cringe. What I failed to mention in my comment above is that my husband is an alcoholic. You rip your soul apart no matter what direction you take. Stay alive…no matter what.
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Catherine,
Oh! Ok, that makes more sense. 😦 Is he going to AA or are you going to Al-Anon? Would he be willing to go to the Salvation Army? They have an amazing way of helping people who are struggling with alcohol or drugs. I know a man who may be willing to talk with him who has been through that himself and is now living for Christ.
Praying for God’s wisdom and power for you and for God’s healing for your husband and your marriage!
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thank you
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That is so beautifully written and deeply inspirational thank you xx
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Thanks so much
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I have been married to the same man for 38 years. We were very young; I was 20 and he was 19 when we married so we have been together through just about all of our adult lives.
It has not been easy!
My husband is a very self-contained, nonverbal type and I am the opposite. I spent the first 12 years of our marriage doing just about anything and everything to try to get my needs met through our relationship, and failing. It was scary.
When I got saved all of a sudden I was no longer looking to our relationship but to my relationship with Christ and then things began to turn around for us.
I’ve been saved 25 years now and is my marriage a bed of roses and happy ever after? No, its still tough. But it’s also good, very good thanks to God.
I still struggle because of our differences, like our widely differing needs for affection and involvement. If I am just in the house, that is usually enough for him. He hates it if I choose to go out when he is home from work. His disengaged attitude can send me into a slow burn because I want conversation, affection and at times companionship, so I am not comfortable with his level of noninvolvement.
We are both getting pretty good at cutting the other slack. I am still having to choose to accept him as he is and love him as he is and be grateful to God for him as he is, instead of wishing things were different.
Here’s the funny thing: when I am closest to God and at peace, this acceptance thing gets so much easier and so much more sincere.
Ladies, if you want to have a wonderful marriage, focus on your own relationship with God. Spend time with Him and be sure you are doing some listening not just talking. Take what He says to you seriously and apply it.
Your love life will blossom.
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PamW,
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your godly advice and your story! I LOVE IT!!!!!!
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Or you can choose to be alone! The loneliest place on earth is right beside someone who makes you feel unloved & puts their needs & wants above that of their spouses, always. Does God do this? No he does not! He is always thinking of what is best for his children.
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Hi Ladies , im starting tonight .
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Chanti,
WOOHOO! Welcome! I can’t wait to see what God is going to do in your life. 🙂
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This was exactly what I needed to hear today! I’ve just said that I must be the craziest woman on earth for pursuing her husband the way I am after 21 years of marriage. To hear him say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” has been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. After almost a year of trying everything I could think of (we tried counseling but he refuses to go after 2 visits), I was almost ready to just give up. My faith has definitely been tested because this is the first thing in my 45 years of life that I’ve had to sit back and let God be in total control of. I’ve failed miserably at that, for the most part, because I’m a “fixer” and keep trying to fix this myself. I am going to try your suggestion to stop pursuing him and see where it takes us. I’m afraid things will get worse if I don’t initiate contact or conversation between us, but I’m willing to try this approach. Thanks so much for this post! Say a prayer for us.
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I would love to know how everything is going for you, “learning to Lean.” I have begun this new journey beginning this past Feb….so only about 4 months into a new way of relating to hubby…
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I so need this advice. I am married to an unbeliever of 33 years. He puts me down and calls it humor. He ignores my need for compliments, validation for my feelings, affection both affectionately and intimately. I have hurt him deeply in the first year of our marriage with infidelity, before I was a Christian. It has been a long haul. I appreciate this support, because I feel as if I am dying .
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Debbie,
Would you be interested in talking about what God may empower you to do in this situation to move yourself toward healing? I’d love to talk some more with you!
How is your walk with Christ going?
Much love to you! I would be glad to walk beside you on this journey!
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I understand exactly what you are saying.. however how am I to deal with a husband who never sees anything I do good. He is always saying things like i have to be in control which is so wrong. I am a very get it done kinda woman. Thats what people admire about me the most. If the sink needs unstopt i do it. If the washing machine needs fixed i call a repair man. My husband gets offended bc he says i take over! But if i didn’t jump in there it would never be done!
I don’t do it to be vindictive or any reason other than good. But he looks at it as being in control, not letting him be the head or the boss. But really?? Do i just set back and be this little passive wife. I do not want to fake who i am. We are christians, this is our 2nd marriage for each of us and our 10th year with each other. Its not working. I am critisized for anything I do. I wasn’t born yday and can plainly see this man does not love me.. he can’t and constantly push my buttons and be so critical.
I am 61 and want the rest of my life to be peaceful.. please help!!! And i have just been reading some comments all the way back to 2013. Im sorry..but what i have read its all about the WOMAN changing. I disagree! These husbands are trying to control us. That is not bibical. We become one when we marry. Granted we should not have to call text or pursue in any way to get their attention. Wake up and smell the coffee ladies. They are self centered and want it to be all about them!
Why is the advice given to us that we are the ones that are wrong. Keep your dignity, hold your head up, and get on with your life. I will never beg anyone for their love. Be it husband,child,mother,father, or friend. If they love you they do …if they have fallen out of love with you its their loss. It hurts very badly but you can’t make anyone love you even if you try everything.. and if exchanging that love for the love of God to love you,hold you, understand you, then why be married??
i love the Lord and prayed constantly for my first husband and now my second. Maybe it’s not His will that I be married at all bc i am 61 and never ever been loved like God intended for a man and woman. I have given up and probably soon will be single bc I’m hot taking the abuse any longer.. i can find peace with myself.
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Donna Sizemore,
It is a pleasure to meet you, my sister! 🙂
I used to think very much like you do – that if I didn’t take over, nothing would get done. I was also very stressed, worried, afraid, lonely, bitter, resentful, and a bunch of other yucky things, too. Turns out, my particular husband was willing to take care of things, but his pace was a bit slower than mine. He doesn’t make decisions in 10 seconds like I do. Sometimes he thinks about things for a bit. But he does a great job handling problems and taking care of things now that I give him some time. I don’t know your husband at all – I have no idea if that would be the case for him, as well. But, perhaps he would like to be more involved with things and taking care of issues because maybe that is part of how he wants to show his love for you?
Thankfully, the kind of wives God asks us to be is not passive or controlling. It is this beautiful place in the middle where we are assertive, we speak our needs, feelings, and concerns. We share our wisdom and ideas. We contribute all of ourselves to the marriage. We have equal value to our husbands. But we can also show honor and respect to our husbands and we know when to wait and pray silently. There is a delicate balance.
I don’t know if your husband loves you or not. But if he is feeling disrespected or controlled, he may not like that. That is possible. But I believe none of us are beyond the reach of Christ. I believe there is healing for you and for your husband in Jesus.
The reason that everything on my blog is about the woman changing is that I only write for women. So I only address what wives can do on their end to change. I don’t talk about what husbands can do – but they have the entire Bible to read and to obey, as well. And they have even more responsibility and accountability before God than wives do for their marriages and families.
Everyone gets to have free will in a godly marriage. God’s design is not about anyone controlling anyone else – humanities, at least. It is primarily about each spouse being controlled by the Holy Spirit rather than the flesh. All humans are sinners. We all desperately need Christ. Apart from Him, all of us have selfish, self-centered motives and want it all to be about us – men and women.
Usually, husbands and wives have room for improvement. None of us will be perfect until heaven. We can have dignity in Christ and we can find our worth and value in Christ – along with our peace, purpose, joy, strength, and identity. We don’t have to beg anyone for their love. You are right we can’t make anyone love us. But we can allow God to radically transform us and we can seek to please Christ and to bless our husbands and families no matter how they respond in return. We are only responsible for our motives, our words, our thoughts, and our behavior. Other people are responsible for themselves.
What kind of abuse are you receiving? Are you safe?
If you would like to talk some more, I am here. 🙂 There is wonderful peace available to you in Christ, my precious sister. I will be glad to do anything I can to point you to Him if you want to continue a discussion.
Much love and the biggest hug to you!
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Thank you for your concetn. I am a Christian and trust the Lord with all my heart. If it were not for Him I could not endure. My husband is not physically abuse to me. He is a very good man. He had no children from his previous marriage. I have 2 and 5 grandchildren who he loves vety much and they love him. By abusive i mean verbal. That can be unsettling as much as physical. When we met 10 yrs ago and married he was completely different. He would have never said “you have issues” ” you are controlling” “you are unfriendly ” “you are loud ” and on and on and on. He plays mind games with me..its too much to go into but i really believe i do not know this person at all. He says he loves me but how do you love someone and say mean things to them. I hold resentment and cannot be the “submissive” wife i am suppose to be after he has had me in tears just 2 hours before I’m supposed to be a wife in the bedroom if you please. I feel like im a wind up toy that is put up on a shelf an gotten down when he wants me and put back up on the shelf when he don’t want me. I have addressed this with him and he says its me. It’s a back and forth he did she did. Just pray for us..i love him and want our marriage to work but i think its too late.
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Donna Sizemore,
So, when you are talking about verbal abuse and him being mean it is when he says things about you being controlling, loud, unfriendly, or taking over? That feels very unloving to you?
I do believe there is healing available for you. I think you can find it here, if you would like to. I will pray for you both now. If you are interested in talking some more with me, I am honored to talk with you about things. I believe there are reaources here that God might use to greatly bless you.
Much love to you!
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Yes you are right… it’s hurtful when he constantly makes negative remarks and never positive. I was married to my children’s father of 28 years and he had an affair.. it was like a death to me. so i certainly need some positive compliments in my life since i already feel like i must have messed up the first one pretty bad for him to have an affair. I’m going down the other side of the life timetable.. i just want to stop crying and hurting. Not even being loved as Christ loves the church I can handle but quit putting me down. I would really just like to be by myself and I’m sure he would too. Because we hurt to much together
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Donna Sizemore,
If you could find healing and peace, would you want to? If I could help you – would you be interested in possibly thinking about things in a totally different way? What if you don’t have to hurt like this – and you can still be married? What if there are ways of understanding and looking at yourself and your husband that you just have never experienced yet that would be a blessing? Would you want to be open to some new ideas that would draw you closer to Christ and that might draw your husband closer to you, as well?
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Donna, it’s not too late! There are lots of stories from wives like me who have seen our marriages totally shift by learning to respect our husbands and let them lead and be “the man”. I know it seems like you are giving everything up and you are doing the changing, but remember, too, there is an enemy that doesn’t want you to hear the truth and who is against your marriage. There is a way to learn to respect while still keeping *your* dignity and self-respect.
One quick thing to mention is that your husband wants and desires to be the hero and fix things and take care of things for you. It may not happen as quickly as you would take care of it, but he really does want to do this for you! Let him and then thank him with a joyful heart and just watch how that small shift helps a little.
April’s blog is a wealth of information and there are lots of good books that she has recommended, too. I hope you will be willing to try!
Oh, and by the way, my husband said some pretty hurtful comments to me, too, before I started the journey of learning how to respect and relate differently to him. I remember very well the painful things he said so I can empathize with you!
Just wanted to encourage you that it is not too late and that there is hope!
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Wow. Not only am I incredibly disrespectful but looks like my husband is an idol to me too. Sigh. Well at least now I know where my problem lies. Within me. I’m taking my son to prayer and worship night at our church this evening. My disrespect has rubbed off in him too and my not going to church has caused him to be cynical… Like mom. My husband works tonight but he use to enjoy going to Friday nights till I stopped going. I so need to be there. I got angry cause I felt convicted often of my attitude and called the people hypocrite in my mind. I might be our churchs biggest one. This is hard to admit but I need to confess it to be rid of it. Im humbled that he loves me in this mess of mine.
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Marie,
Thank you so much for sharing! This part is REALLY HARD!!!!!!!!!
When God first showed me my disrespect, idolatry, self-righteousness, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment and PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE – I was in complete shock and horror for 3 days. I cried and cried and wanted to go live in a cave for the rest of my life! I thought I had been an AWESOME Christian wife! I never fully grasped that I was actually a wretched sinner. I didn’t just owe God “$2000 sin dollars.” I owed “billions.” It amazes me now how I was not able to see my mountain of sin for so many years. The heart truly is deceitful above all things and without cure – PRAISE GOD for Jesus!
This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE first step!!!!!!
I’m really excited for you.
I have a number of posts on idols/idolatry. If you want to, when you are ready to digest more – you can search “idol” or “idolatry” on my home page.
There are also posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission that may be helpful! 🙂
I’m right here if you want to talk!
And – my Youtube Channel, “April Cassidy” has a video about how to apologize for our disrespect and control that you may want to watch before you apologize.
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Peacefulwife,
Thank you for your forgiveness and your encouragement and support. Something happened today. God has begun to repair some of the damage I have done because of my disrespect. Its a complicated thing so Ill spare you the details but I couldnt stop crying. I forsee more tears of healing to come. I will watch your videos this week.
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I’m a wife of a man who is addicted to weed , we have only been married a year , when we married he promised he was a Godly man and would always go to church with me and pray with me , and not put me through anymore heartache as I have suffered so much in my 40 years
He has stopped going to church and smoking weed wanting to drink look at porn . I have found myself losing my temper and I don’t like it. I have told him how disappointed I am that he lies to me and hides things .
The bible I believe instructs me to follow my husband if he is being Godly ? Not if he is fell away from Christ I’m at a loss as to what to do .
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Marie- have you read the Love and Respect book by Dr. Emerson Eggerich?
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Prayinglikehannah-No I havent read that book…Kinda scared to right yet 😦 LOL I will get it though. I feel so encouraged by other womans posts on here and and Im glad I found this site.
peacefulwife- I am amazed too that I couldnt see myself. I always kinda knew I was overbearing but I couldnt control it. Funny how now that I see it for how ugly it is and asked God to help me I I can control it suddenly. I dont even want to open my mouth. I sure do think and pray before I do. Duct tape didnt work before cause eventually I took it off. There was no heart change before when I tried to be nicer to my husband, thats when I quit church. I had never handed this over to God, I tried to change by myself but I really need the Lord. Thanks for being excited for me, it gives me hope. Sorry I was fighting with you kinda on another post. Its my rebellion. I can see it now. Yuck.Yuck. Yuck. I know God is gonna help me with this. I listen to christian radio everyday and todays bible study was about girls who had abusive fathers and who need to let God change their hearts toward God. Wow. It was only yesterday I confessed all this and shown why I was like this. As soon as you open a hurt place to God and ask him in he wastes no time 🙂 Instead of feeling overwhelmed like I was starting to I now feel comforted acknowledged and cared for by him. He is good.
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Marie,
This stuff runs DEEP!!!!! It goes all the way to the core of who we believe God is and who we believe we are. It is about our most fundamental understanding of the sovereignty of God vs. trusting ourselves. Lots of things really shocked me on this journey of discovery of my own sin and learning to be the wife God desires me to be:
– I seriously can do NOTHING NOT ONE THING that is good on my own. God says my attempts at righteousness are like “filthy, bloody menstrual rags.” I finally began to see that this was true.
– I had to HUMBLE myself and come down about 1 million notches and seek to only exalt Christ.
– I had to actually decide to live with Christ as LORD. I thought I had done that! But – NOPE!
– My wisdom is worthless. God’s wisdom is infinitely higher than mine. He knows best. I do not. This was a BIG paradigm shift because I had always thought “I was always right” before. Yikes! THE PRIDE!!!!!!!
– I used to think my husband just wanted me to smile and be quiet. I couldn’t do that! I constantly told him every thought in my head. And when I saw my sin, I began to realize that almost every word that came out of my mouth was sin. Criticism, complaining, arguing, gossip, thinking I was better than my husband, thinking I was right, trying to get my husband to do things my way, etc…
– There was a time where I got REALLY quiet. Too quiet. But – I had to learn discernment and wisdom before I could begin to use my mouth for good. FIrst, I had to stop the negative, disrespectful, sinful things, then eventually, I was able to add the respectful, positive, encouraging things.
– I had to learn to be still while God did open heart surgery and removed TONS of gangrene from my soul. IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it is very necessary!
– Humility draws God close to me. God opposes me when I am full of pride.
– What God is interested in is total regeneration of our hearts and minds by His Spirit. This is not about putting on a fake smile – it is about God completely transforming my soul to be like Jesus. Then I have real joy in Christ no matter what my husband does or does not do.
– It is only God who can change me or anyone else. I AM NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT! I got confused about that a lot earlier in my life!
– I personally had to trash every thing I thought I knew about being a woman, femininity, being a wife, marriage, masculinity, etc… and just build from scratch on the foundation of Christ and His Word alone. I had to not care what was politically correct or what the culture thinks or what other people might say. I NEEDED GOD’S WISDOM. I wanted HIS design for me. It was like reinventing the wheel to figure all of this stuff out – and it was only by His Spirit I could understand any of it. But it is SOOOOOOOO WORTH IT! This is the path that leads to abundant life, peace, joy and hope!
I forgive you for yesterday. I understand where you are coming from. I have been in a similar place – even though my father was not abusive at all.
I can’t wait to see you allow God to reform your understanding of Himself, of yourself, of marriage, of godly femininity and rebuild your soul and life on the Rock of Christ. This IS exciting! And when I see a wife who is humble, teachable and repentant like this- I know GOOD THINGS are on the way. First it will be painful. But when God uses painful things to mold us and shape us – they result in great beauty.
I’m always glad to hear from you! 🙂 Much love my sister!
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I just ordered mine now… I’m so thankful for a community like this. God’s never late, as soon as you surrender yourself to him, he’ll begin showing you ways and also open you up to information to help you get better. I believe that’s why I found this blog and all the information I’m getting right now.
Thank you ladies for sharing and caring so much.
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Every time I read one of your blog posts I get so excited. God is definitely speaking to me in my areas of need and I know he has brought me to this site for help in the life of my daughter and her marriage. I am just so amazed at the many ways God touches us, loves us, cares for us and puts us all together to share with each other for healing purposes. He is the healer in all of our lives as his children, but we must recognize healing comes in many ways and sharing our hearts is definitely one of those ways to encourage and lift each other up.
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Wanda,
I’m so glad that God is working in your heart and life through these posts. 🙂 What a huge answer to my prayers. It is such a help to have other women who are walking this road to share with. 🙂
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Hi April,
Thank you so much for starting this blog and for giving women of like mind and possibly situations to mingle, learn, share and heal. I have been reading your blog, I have also as a result bought 2 books that you also read I just bought: Love & Respect by Emerson and also The Surrendered Wife. Still in the beginning stages but it’s been helpful and very informative.
I have also been so disrespectful to my hubby without realising it. I thought i was being helpful most times and I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t see that but instead get upset at the things I try to do. I felt he didn’t appreciate me, didn’t love me, didn’t want to share or speak with me and ultimately, I became to angry and bitter and it became more and more difficult for him to please me, to a point I feel like he just gave up! That made me even more angry lol…
But I’ve been so wrong the past 4 years. Thank God I don’t have to spend the next four years in the sort of pain I have been through in the last four.
I am trusting God that as He opens my eyes to my faults, He will help me to learn from them, forgive myself and learn/practice new ways of living and living/pleasing my husband… I read Ps 16:11 the otherday and He is indeed ‘Showing me the way of life’.
Thank you so much April for all you do and for every woman contributing here, for making your life a book for us all to learn from and as we all do this, I pray that God will heal every heart, every marriage, every situation and every woman in Jesus name… Amen!
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KD,
I am THRILLED to hear all that God is doing in your heart! WOOHOO!!!!!!!
That makes my day. 🙂
I don’t want any married couple to experience the kind of pain my husband and I did those first 14.5 years of our marriage when I was so disrespectful and controlling but had no idea I was contributing at all to the problems in our marriage. UGH!
I pray God might use my example to prevent many others from experiencing that pain!
Amen, Amen! I pray with you for each of these requests, my sweet sister!
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Lol, I’m in the stage where I’m realizing just how controlling and idolatrous I have been… I’m so embarrassed and ashamed that I want to die at times, but I’m also laughing at myself and putting aside my pride knowing I’ve gotta let God’s light shine down on some really ugly places in my heart so He can purge me and renew me and make me the woman/wife/God-seeker I want to be. My parents’ marriage ended in a fiery mess when I was little, and I think in some ways I expected my marriage to make up for that… But, surprise!, my husband is an imperfect man with an imperfect past and I’m an imperfect but very demanding woman with lots of high expectations–perfectly prepared for a fall, I guess. Your posts and the comments are really hitting home with me. I’m in a humbling process- many tears- but through God’s grace, I am becoming/will become the quiet, slow to speak and quick to listen, gentle bride of Christ I am meant to be. I’m having to really SLOW DOWN a lot and give my hubby room to move and to speak. I already see a difference in our marriage since I’ve started not clobbering him with my opinions and comments about EVERYTHING but more graciously listening and waiting on him and being interested in what he brings to the table. Lol. God bless you ladies!
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Help, Lord,
It is definitely a bit overwhelming at first to see all of this yuck that we hadn’t seen for years. And embarrassing. And humiliating. Humbling.
I’m excited that God is showing you these things. It is PAINFUL at first – but this is the path to abundant life!!!!!!
Yes. I had to STOP and just WAIT. I got to the place where I told God I would just wait right here until He lead my through my husband if I had to wait until I was 80 years old! I just stopped running ahead of God and my husband and waited. And waited and waited and waited.
Turns out – it is embracing the waiting and all that God wants me to learn – that is one of the most important things. Being still before the Lord. And waiting on my husband to lead instead of jumping in when he didn’t do something in 10 seconds. I had to wait a lot. But then my husband SLOWLY, SLOWLY began to lead. Now – almost 5 years later – he is the godly leader I always knew he could be. But I had to get out of God’s way and my husband’s way – and let them work on him, and I had to focus on ME!
Much love to you!!!
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🙂 So encourageing. I will wait.
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Thank you for this response. It brought more tears. I hurt in places I am not even aware of yet. Lol, God knows what we need before we ask, and it’s definitely a huge test of my faith to let go of the reigns and wait.. with patience.. and, hopefully, with a gracious attitude some or most of the time while Abba works everything out for His/my/my husband’s good. Thanks again!
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Help, Lord!,
How I wish I could hug your neck my precious sister in Christ!!!!!!!!
I believe this is the biggest test of faith a wife ever experiences. IS GOD SOVEREIGN “ENOUGH” to lead me through this sinful man? Is He able to make something beautiful from our marriage if I don’t try to control it all and if I obey Him? What He is asking me to do is the total opposite of what I think I should do to make things better. Is God really right? Can I trust Him? Or should I continue to trust myself?
Check out this post “Waiting Becomes Sweet”
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I keep getting reminded of one thing after another that I did that was disrespectful like when my hubby would want to go to a buddy’s house and do guy stuff (and this would be church family guys) I would say “go on I’ll find SOMETHING to do”. Geesh! Now as I learn and change, the hardest thing for me is to not show him this blog and say “LOOk! I finally get it!!!” But I think he knows already.
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“I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband”
Thank you for this topic, I find myself doing just that, I want him to say how much he loves me, to text me as much as he texts his daughter (my step-daughter), or come around and hug me for no reason like he used to, or finish a phone conversation with an I love you and not answer the phone when I call with a dry HEY or YEAH. I’ve been doing everything he asked of me I know I sometimes fall back into old habits with my attitude and I always say “well if he only would do this” or “why is he not loving towards me” and that angers me. And I feel if I give him space and don’t call him or text him and wait for him to talk or ask me something so I we can angage in a conversation during dinner time, he is going to think that I am upset about something and push him away. Also, at night do I hug him? do I wait for him to? it sometimes feels like a punishment because he clearly can go on night after night without touching me, him on his side and me on my side. Again he did not use to be this way, he was so loving towards me, I know I hurt his ego with my attitide and many things I did, now I know they were very disrespectful, I came across your blog a few months ago and it made me realized it made me see the truth of what God wants from me, and I hate to say that back then I did not know any better, but now he is all hurt and I am changing to make our marriage better and he is the one rejecting me, I don’t know what to do anymore!
Thank you
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Jen,
Wow. I have SO been there.
There were long periods of time in our first 14+ years of marriage where my husband would barely look at me, barely speak to me, hardly touch me – I felt SO UNLOVED. I kept telling him what I needed. I kept demanding that God change him. “LOOK what an unloving man I have to live with, God!?!?!?!?!? He needs to be more loving. He needs to be a better leader. He needs to be more involved with our children. He doesn’t pray enough. He watches tv too much. You need to fix him right now!”
I personally had to stop pursuing my husband verbally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually. I had to just stop and wait.
As your husband feels more and more respected, and as he sees (over many months, and maybe even years) that you understand him and you “get” his need for respect and he sees that this is a real and lasting change- he will probably begin to soften toward you. There is no guarantee of that. But as he heals and sees you obeying God and meeting his needs, he will probably begin to feel attracted to you again.
Check out the post at the top of my home page about Respect and Sexual Attraction.
And if you haven’t read them, check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission as well.
I’m here if you need to talk, need encouragement or prayer! 🙂
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Jen trust me when I say that there had been nothing quite as painful as being totally ignored by the same man that for 19 yrs adored me, was the most passionate man in the planet. I lay beside him night after night not even saying good night. He used to call me several times a day and always ended the call with I love you. He told me a few months ago that he is NOT going to say I love you every time he hangs up! Talk about total rejection! He has been so bitter towards me that if he did look at me when I spoke out was with contempt and anger. ..so unlike him. I couldn’t understand it. ..that’s why I wanted to run somewhere. ..anywhere. But since I got it, and have been quiet. .and by the way you being quiet will not be mistaken for you being upset because right now he doesn’t care if your upset anyway. ..but if your quiet yet when he does talk you listen to him and agree with him he will start talking more and more. ..mine talked almost non-stop for a couple hours the first time he opened up. Talked about things at his job and I just listened, laughed and didn’t give my opinion. He then started to hold my hand in bed. That’s as far add he had gotten, but that look in his eyes is gone and I’m just keeping on being quiet. quiet He had been so spiritually withdrawn for a while and even told me he felt unworthy to even pray and felt worthless. I am the reason for that. I’m allowing God to work in his heart instead of me and I’m seeing results. You have to be still and know that He is God and is in total control of your situation.
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Hi April,
I just wanted to thank you for your blog and specifically yesterday’s post. I know I’ll refer back to it often. I love all the specific examples and practical advice you always give! I am not even a religious person but I look forward to reading your blog every morning. The things you write are so beautiful and have helped me very much. I know you must pour a lot of time and energy into this website and I want to tell you it is appreciated.
I think my husband and I have always had a good relationship. Looking back, I was probably being respectful and submissive (without knowing that’s what it was called) maybe 75% of the time, just because. So I think that gave us a good “base” to work with. Now that I’m trying to do right by him *on purpose,* changes have occurred very quickly. My husband tells me all the time how happy he is, how much he loves me, what a great wife I am. We are closer and happier than ever,
I guess I never really realized how lucky I was to have an overtly affectionate man. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with, so I guess I didn’t realize a lot of men aren’t like him. They don’t necessarily email and text every day, or say all the time that they love you. My husband always has. The problem was me (of course)! I have always been a very controlling person, although I would not have admitted it in the past. One of the ways I tried to control him was by wanting him to be less affectionate, or to only show affection when I wanted him to. I thought I didn’t like “mushiness” and wished he were more stoic (I thought that was manlier). I think it’s because I was raised by people (two women) who were not affectionate and who saw any sort of softness or tenderness as weakness.
I remember one day having an epiphany, that maybe God put me with this man so that I’d finally learn how to accept love, and that maybe what I’d been trying so hard to push away all this time was exactly what I needed, seeing as how I’d been deprived of affection as a child. So I started trying to be open to my husband’s affection and reciprocate. I let him hug and kiss me whenever he wanted, responded to every text he sent, and started laying in bed cuddling with him for long periods of time, etc…to put it mildly, he was very pleased. And it has been very healing for me, too. Now I enjoy all those things. I love following his lead and just doing what he wants. I could go on and on because this is by far not the only thing that has changed and improved, but this is what your post today reminded me of. I think it’s ironic some women are annoyed because their husband doesn’t text or write or say “I love you,” and I was often annoyed because I thought mine did it too much! Sometimes I think it’s less about what the men are doing, and more about whether we, the women, are able to control them or not. Our wanting control is the issue, not their behavior.
Also, I wanted to comment on what you wrote, “A man will usually see that even if he did what his wife insists that he do this time, she will not be satisfied for long. After awhile, he gives up trying to make his wife happy. It seems completely impossible. She seems to be a black hole of insatiable needs.” I think this is very true. Yet it seems to me that when the situation is reversed and women do what their men ask of them, men really *are* (usually) satisfied. They don’t turn into black holes! I find this very interesting. I guess it’s one of the differences between men and women, and why relationship advice shouldn’t be gender neutral. I’ve read and heard so many things suggesting to men that if their wife is displeased, they can make her happy by giving in to her demands and bending to her whims, by doing MORE for her. I always cringe when I read that advice, because I know it won’t work. She’ll probably just start to resent him even more and neither of them will know why.
Thanks again for what you do!
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Wow, Liz!
Thank you for sharing!
I wonder if you might allow me to share this anonymously as a post? I believe it would inspire many wives who are struggling right now. 🙂
I think it is interesting that you wanted less affection and attention! And I think you may be right about that the issue may be that we want control as women – more than the specifics of what our men are doing. That goes right in line with Genesis 3 – where part of the curse was that women would desire to master/control their husbands.
I also think it is pretty amazing that men often can be satisfied. You have a lot of interesting points here!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey and your story! 🙂
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Feel free to share whatever you’d like from my comment, April :).
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I was just talking about this subject to a friend the other day! I cannot agree more with all that you said. It is SO important–even though it’s extremely difficult–for wives to BACK OFF sometimes.
I used to be so demanding. I wanted my husband to be the romantic guy in all the “chick flicks” and he never measured up to that. I got tired of never going out, so I demanded a date night once a week. Not surprising in hindsight, we would almost always get into an argument on our date night about finances, his sister living with us, and other things I was grasping to get control of. I desperately pursued him, and during that time I never felt so disconnected from him. I longed for the intimacy we once had, and I was so lonely it felt like my heart was shattered.
When I came across your blog, I started trying something that was radically different for me: I began to focus on me being the best wife I could be. I started trying to use every opportunity to build him up. And instead of the way it was before, when I used to see how he didn’t measure up…I began to see him the way I used too. I saw my dream man. My husband wasn’t the man in the romantic movies…he was better! It felt so good to see him that way, but at the same time I was so ashamed of the way I had treated him. How foolish I had been, thinking he was the problem and needed to change. It was me. It was me, all along.
It’s been about a month since I had opened my eyes and began this journey. I can’t believe how much my relationship has changed in that time. I handed over the finances over to my husband, I stopped demanding that he make his sister move out, I quit nagging him about taking me out. I stopped expecting my husband to be a mind reader, and when I wanted or needed something, I would tell him in a few brief sentences and leave it in his hands. He always took care of my needs right away. He tries to give me things I want in the timing he can provide them. Sometimes, the answer has been no. It’s frustrating at first, but when I stop being angry about not getting my way…I see his way, why he said “no” or “wait” and I’m thankful that he can see things from a completely different perspective than me. For example, I’ve been waiting a couple years to go back to college. I went to my husband, and once again expressed my desire to go back to school. But this time, instead of a 30 minute lecture about why I deserve to do this and how it will benefit our family in the future, I simply stated my deep desire to go back to school and asked him if he would let me know when he feels it’s the right time for that. I told him that I trust him to handle this and that I will support his decision no matter what. I gave him space, and a few days letter he came back to me with his answer. He wanted me to wait a year. He said that I could start next fall, when our finances would be better and his sister would be gone. I won’t lie to you–I was extremely disappointed, and I couldn’t hide this from my husband. I started crying. I felt like I had waited so long, and now I have to wait even longer. What if next year he just tells me to wait again? It might never happen! I let myself grieve, I let myself cry, but I still respected my husband. I still supported his decision. I didn’t try to argue with him, or convince him that he was wrong, or make him feel guilty. I didn’t mope about his answer, but it was on my mind. A few days later, it clicked for me. He was right to have me wait. If I tried to go to school right now, I would have no space to do my homework, I would be distracted by current obligations, and I would feel guilty about putting another financial burden on my husband right now that could even send us over this debt cliff we’re on. I immediately texted my husband to tell him about my revelation. I told him that I see now what he was saying, and I thanked him for being such a great leader of our family. And I thanked God for sending me a man who was different than me. Because him seeing things from another perspective is a HUGE blessing that I never realized before.
It’s also so much nicer when we go out now. Instead of feeling obligated to take me somewhere, he does it because he wants to. And instead of me seeing him just fulfilling an obligation I placed on him, it’s a much better feeling to know he’s taking me out because he wants to do something nice for me and spend time together. Instead of getting into arguments on our dates, we just enjoy each other’s company.
Wow–didn’t mean for this to be so long, but the words kept on coming out, lol! Thank you April, for letting God use you to help so many women–especially me!
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Samantha,
This is awesome!!!!!
PLEASE let me use it for a post!! Pretty please???? 🙂
What a beautiful thing God is doing in your heart, in your husband and in your marriage. Thank you for sharing!
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Absolutely! Thanks so much for the encouragement!
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“Remember that it is not healthy for me to pursue him for either me or our marriage. Remember it should be him pursuing me. Give him that chance.”
I would like to agree and disagree with this statement. There are negative ways to pursue a man and there are positive ways. Most of this blog has addressed the negative ways and indeed those should be avoided. However, a man needs to know his wife desires him and desires his good. If I had a wife that expected me to ALWAYS initiate sex for instance I would get bored fast. Men want to discover their wives and we can’t do that if you don’t give us something to work with.
My fiancee and I had a talk about what she will wear on the “wedding night” and I told her to pick something that matches her personality. Some guys would probably love to tell their wife to get the skimpiest thing she can find at Frederick’s at Hollywood but if it doesn’t reflect her personality then she reveals nothing of spiritual value to her husband. The body gets old fast and without an intimate spiritual understanding of ones spouse, the relationship will not survive.
Also, when a woman goes out of her way to make her husbands favorite dinner or makes arrangements for a movie-date night that is a good thing. Sometimes guys need a break from the daily grind and its a HUGE pick-me-up when a woman does something nice for you. Sometimes even small somethings go a long way like when my fiancee would bake cookies for me for lunch.
Moral of my post is that women should not just sit around and expect men to do everything. Husbands are not babysitters. We just don’t like nagging and being bothered with things like “should we paint the room country blue or turquoise.”
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Joseph,
I agree – there are positive things a wife should continue to do:
– give genuine respect and admiration
– initiate sex IF her husband is receptive. Many wives who have made their husbands into idols or demanded sex and attention have husbands who are NOT receptive right now. If that is the case, the wife would be wise to just wait and not pressure her husband sexually or verbally, in my view. If the husband IS receptive, then by all means, the wife may initiate sex sometimes if her husband enjoys her doing that.
– be kind and do thoughtful things BUT!!!!!!! And this is HUGE – be kind and do thoughtful things just to please Jesus and bless our husbands NOT to try to get our husbands to do something we want them to do for us.
– say what she wants and desires (but probably only ONE time. Not 57 times a day.)
– be able to accept “no” or “wait” graciously
– be able to be responsible for her own emotions and spiritual well-being. That she might find her joy, purpose and fulfillment in Christ alone. Then anything her husband offers to her is an extra bonus.
If she backs away in a resentful, cold shoulder kind of way – that is not healing to the marriage, it is destructive.
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“- be kind and do thoughtful things BUT!!!!!!! And this is HUGE – be kind and do thoughtful things just to please Jesus and bless our husbands NOT to try to get our husbands to do something we want them to do for us.”
Ah, the moral of life! Do things because they are good and not because you expect something in return (i.e. give freely as God gives). I think we could sum up an entire marriage with this point.
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Yes, Joseph! AMEN!!!!!!!!!
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I think what you are saying is that a wife should still be receptive to her husband. That is a good point.
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April,
This was a very helpful post. My husband literally ignored me for years and told me he was! But it has only been recently that I have been able to see my lack of respect and trust in him. I am slowly working to rebuild that but there has been so much damage done in the mean time:( During that time of being ignored, I transfered my happiness from my marriage to God and have allowed Him to be my source of joy and contentment, BUT that has had some adverse reactions as my husband has felt it as my pulling away, I think. I could go on and on about all the difficulties we have, but instead, I will just ask that you please pray for me.
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KK,
I’m so glad that this has helped you. That is a big answer to prayer! I will absolutely pray for your marriage.
Would you like to talk with me some more? 🙂
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Hello, I would like to sadly admit how much this post and many of the comments have spoken to me. I have always believed in God, but I am just now starting a true walk with him. Over the past several months God has humbled me so much- financially, career wise, in my pride, and most of all in my marriage. I have been with my husband several years and married only a few. I knew things weren’t perfect, but I thought they were fine until he recently told me that he wants to end our marriage and go our separate ways in the near future. He no longer wears his wedding ring . Sometimes he acts as if things are perfectly normal- loving, affectionate, fun, playful and others he is totally withdrawn. It leaves me feeling on edge and not knowing how to act. This situation was triggered by a particular event, but he says he has been feeling this way for awhile. He feels like his life was better and more prosperous and happier before we got together (we were teenagers) and that we will be happier apart. I have asked if there is hope, and he says, “there is hope for everything.” Not the answer I want of course.
For awhile I was broken down, but through prayer, reading blogs like this, and writing I am becoming stronger. This experience along with everything else has caused me to take a real look in the mirror, and I don’t like who I see. I have been jealous, insecure, controlling, and disrespectful. I have made my husband feel small when he has tried to share his heart with me. I have coveted other people’s lives and relationships. I have told him petty white lies. I have disrespected him in front of our children, family, and friends. All this time I believed that I was a “good wife” because I know my way around the kitchen and have always “taken care” of everything, I have been wrong. I have been a terrible wife. I want my husband back. I want him to lead his family and to stop feeling so beaten down. I want him to put his ring back on. I have been praying so hard and taking small steps in the right direction, but I can use all the prayer, support, advice, and encouragement I can get. My heart is aching.
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OC,
I am SO SO SO SORRY to hear about how difficult things are right now. 😦
Well… he didn’t say there was no hope. HIs answer is kind of promising in my view!
This place you are right now – humble and able to see your own sin and repentant – this is the place a woman has to be before God can begin to work in her in big ways. This is a great starting place.
YOu can’t change him. But God can change him. God can heal this marriage. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know that our God is ABLE. I know if you come to him humbly and repent of your sin and ask Him to change you and tell Him you want Him to be LORD of your life and you submit yourself fully to Him – He has incredible things in store for you. 🙂
SEnding you a huge hug!!!!!
Much love,
April
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God has been telling me some of these things for a while, have been doing the ones I knew about, but I didn’t know how to apply them all. I can see that I do some of the things on your list. But, it has always been hard for us because the more I read these things the more I am confused because he and I don’t relate all the ways you mention here. About 15% of men and women don’t match the stereotypes and we don’t. I admit I am still in denial on some of them, but I feel that it is completely unfair.
Why does everything have to be my fault? I have learned about giving up my expectations before. I don’t know how I can lower my expectations any lower than I have already: he doesn’t work outside the home, he doesn’t cook or do dishes, doesn’t help the kids with homework, doesn’t pay bills, expects me to do all spiritual training and praying and leading, responds harshly if the kids try to address him for any reason, spends most of the time on the computer, expects the teens to care for the youngers in every way, doesn’t care for our financial or physical safety, takes naps any time of the day or night, goes to the store to get things he wants when he wants, doesn’t engage me in conversation but expects me to come to him/wait my turn/then talk quick so he can get back to what he is doing/playing on the computer, occasionally helps if it is his idea to do but then I better drop everything I am doing and participate even if a baby needs nursing, doesn’t come to bed with me, expects the teens to watch the youngers when I am at work even if he is home, and expects that I will thank him for all the things he is doing. I’d just be happy to have my husband be my friend again.
I feel like I am the only one here complaining, so obviously I am wrong, but I grew up going to church and have never heard any of this said this way. Husbands are supposed to care for their families! It feels wrong to expect absolutely nothing of my husband and that I should shoulder all the responsibility and consequences! If he does nothing I have all the responsibility and consequences. If he does something rashly and it is wrong or hurtful or whatever, I still get all the consequences. It never falls to him.
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K,
Husbands DO have huge responsibilities to care for their families. I am NOT AT ALL saying they should do nothing. What your husband is doing is not right. Is there a drug addiction/alcohol addiction, mental health disorder or serious issue going on?
What I am talking about here is a wife not trying to verbally FORCE her husband to do what she wants. The issue is if we are DEMANDING our way. Our husbands are not going to respond well to that.
So – your husband is clearly not carrying his weight in your home. That is not the situation for the other wives who are commenting here. These wives are talking about constantly asking for attention, emails, affection, that kind of thing.
What do you say to him about this? What tone of voice do you use? What is your facial expression? What words do you use?
It is IMPORTANT for you to say what you want and what you need. Usually just once.
If you are telling him in a very demanding, angry mama voice: “You never help me around the house! You’re a lazy slob! You’re a terrible husband! I hate being married to you! Get up right now and do the dishes!” That is not going to work. Those things may be true. But condemnation, accusation, criticism, blame, disrespect, control and anger do not motivate men.
Everything is most definitely NOT your fault!!!!! There is probably no marriage where everything is 100% one person’s fault.
The thing is – you can’t change him. I only talk about what wives can do. You only control you. You can’t MAKE him do what you want him to do. You can try to do that – but you will repel him and he will resist you.
So – how can you approach him in a way that would actually motivate him to WANT to help you? THAT is what we are talking about. 🙂
Why isn’t he working now?
What are the 3 biggest things you want him to do differently?
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Great stuff April! The hardest thing for me to let go is when he does things that aren’t the Christian thing to do. It’s especially hard because he will say that he needs to start living right or reading more, etc. Then he will leave the house and be right back in his ways. It’s just frustrating to watch.
He knows what he needs to do but it’s too hard to change. He has no discipline in his life. I hate to think negatively but his words are empty so I don’t have faith in him. He doesn’t stick to his word with myself or the kids. It’s been going on for 9 years. I use to come unglued when he would tell my son things he was going to do but never follow through. Usually it was in front of my son too. Not good!
Now, I just don’t expect him to follow through and have realized that he is responsible for his own relationship with our kids. It hurts as a mother to see but it’s not my place to try to control it. I have to truly get to a place where I trust God with our family. When I see him go places I don’t think he should go or drink when he shouldn’t be, or talk in ways he shouldn’t or set ungodly examples in front of my kids, etc. a couple of things happen. I worry that he won’t ever change and one day my son will see him for who he really is and will turn from God and live like his dad.
I also have a pride/control issue. 90 percent of his friends are lost. When he chooses to go to their house for a barbecue or party, it eats at me so so much when I see him drinking or when I smell it on his breath when he comes home. (Remember he genuinely told me he wanted to make changes, so why go to those places if they are too tempting?)
His friends and family know I am a Christian and he use to follow God but now see a different person. It makes our family look bad. I don’t like for lost people to see people live like them who used to follow God. It gives Jesus a bad name and I feel like it could even make me look like a flake. It also hurts because its like he is lying to me. I get the flake at home but the world gets the real person he is.
Maybe all of my judgement, criticalness, negativity, harsh words, control, etc. have forced him to be fake because he thinks the real him will be a disappointment to me. ( one night i begged him to tell me who he really was. i told him i just want him to be hot or cold. i am tired of the lukewarm.)
I also, just simply want to control him. I have a list of things a godly man shouldn’t do in my head and when he does one of them it makes me mad. I need support and prayers. I truly want to give God these parts of me. I am tired of this cycle. I really want to lay my head down on my pillow at night looking at my husband and truly being accepting of who he is. I want to lay all of these things at the cross and walk away once and for all knowing my God’s got it in his hands and he is capable and big enough to handle it and expect him to work in my family’s life- making it good regardless of who their dad is.
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aspittler83,
UGH.
This is indeed a difficult situation for a Christian wife to find herself in.
Is he an alcoholic? Is the drinking beyond his ability to control?
You are right – you can’t control him and you are not responsible to control him. He is responsible for himself. You are responsible for yourself.
I would highly recommend the book Sacred INfluence by Gary Thomas for you. 🙂
At this point – if you truly believe he is not living for God – then I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s prescription for you.
The farther away a man is from God, the LESS he can HEAR from his wife with her words.
Let’s assume that he is lost and unsaved. Your biggest mission from God in this world is to shine for Christ to this man and to live out a Spirit-filled life in front of him by your attitudes, your respect for him as a man (not the sin, but the good things in him and the position he holds as your husband) and to be full of the joy and peace and love of Jesus.
This is not an easy assignment. But the potential rewards are that God may use you as a little partner of His to draw your husband to Himself. That is HUGE.
So – think of yourself as a missionary on assignment in this home to this particular man. But the orders from your Commanding Officer are – do not talk about God, about sin, about spiritual things, about church, about the Bible, etc. Every time you use WORDS to try to force him to come to God – you will repel him.
Check out: God Understands Men
Are you willing to not care about anything but pleasing Jesus? Are you willing to live with HIm as LORD?
Then it is time to really dig in and obey God’s Word for you as a wife – this is the way God will get you OUT of His way so that your husband can hear His voice again. There are no guarantees that He will turn to Christ. You cannot make him repent. Only the Holy Spirit can open his eyes.
But if you can get rid of the sin in your life – the contempt, bitterness, self-righteousness, unforgiveness, resentment, taking control, telling him what to do, trying to change him… and if you can truly live out the power of God before this man – God will use you to influence him.
The goal cannot be to change your husband!!!!!!!
The goal must be to honor and please Jesus and bless your husband – no matter what he does in return.
Before God can change your man, your husband needs to know that you genuinely respect the good that is in him and that you accept him – not that you accept the sin . But that you accept him and can love and honor him as he is right now.
What are the things you respect about your husband?
If you decide you want to repent to your husband for your judgment, critical spirit, negativity, harsh words, disrespect and control – I have a video about that on my Youtube Channel “April Cassidy.”
It would need to be a brief apology. No justifying or explaining WHY you have been disrespectful and controlling. Just a humble, sincere repentance to God and your husband:
“Honey,
I realize now that I have not been the wife God has called me to be. I have been disrespectful and controlling. I sinned against God and against you. I apologize and repent. I was wrong. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I hope you can be patient with me as I learn to be a godly wife. I want to honor your God-given leadership. I want to respect you. Please forgive me.”
THE END.
One apology is sufficient.
He may say nothing. That’s ok.
He may get upset. That’s ok. Agree with him that you sinned against him and hurt him deeply.
He may cry. That’s ok.
Listen if he wants to share his heart.
Tell him you want to learn to trust him. (If he is actually an alcoholic- wait to say this until he is in recovery – is my suggestion. But I am not an AA counselor. If he is an alcoholic, Al-Anon may be helpful)
Then – focus on his strengths primarily and your sin. Take those two lists to God in prayer daily.
Ask God to change YOU!!!!!!!!!!
If God is going to change your husband, He needs to change you first. Then you and God will be on the same page and the same team and can breathe healing and life into this marriage and family.
Much love to you!
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PS,
Most husbands need to see ACTION for many months before they believe this kind of change is for real. That is ok!
If he is not an alcoholic, see if you can begin stepping down and just waiting on his leadership.
THANK HIM for being the leader in the family. Even though he hasn’t been leading.
Just thank him once a week or so from now on for being the leader.
Use a friendly voice. Have a smile on your face. SINCERELY desire to bless this man.
Tell him 2-3 things per week that you respect/admire about him, or things you are proud of him about.
Expect no changes from him.
Be appreciative of ANY effort at all that he makes for you or the kids.
PRAISE HIM when he does ANYTHING right.
Apologize to your son for speaking poorly about your husband and disrespecting him. Begin to tell your son about his dad’s strengths.
Sending you a huge hug!
Also, you may want to check out my Youtube video – “Finding the Hero in Your Man”
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My Secret Idol
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April, thank you I am going to print this response off. When I get some time this week, I am going to email you so we can hash through some things. I really need some advice and your opinion on some things. Then I need to get the top goals for myself written out so I have a place of focus and somewhere to start. I have many many prayers written out about my behavior, etc. but they can be overwhelming. I have to get simplified and focused in my spiritual life- if this even makes sense to you. I read all these prayers I have for myself and I become overwhelmed with where to start and then discouragement comes and then I give up. This has been a cycle I have fought my whole life because I am a perfectionist. If I cant do it perfect, then I shouldn’t do it. It doesn’t help that my hubby has a lot of unrealistic expectations at times) too. The biggest battle I have right now is myself. If I can remove me, then I am on the way to reconciliation with God and therefore my husband and children. Thank you so much for listening and responding. It means a lot to have someone who doesn’t even know you to take valuable time to help you.
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Ashley,
I was a perfectionist, too! I have a youtube video about that on my channel “April Cassidy” – check it out! 🙂
I didn’t have anyone to go to when I was learning all of this stuff. I had no mentor wife. I felt very alone on this journey and like I had no clue what I was doing. It was like trying to reinvent the wheel after never seeing one.
I’m so thankful that God allows me the privilege of walking with other wives on this journey. I’m extremely blessed to get to see what He does in hundreds of women’s lives and marriages. It’s the most amazing thing. God is very good! And He is ABLE.
Much love to you! I’m looking forward to hashing through things together. 🙂
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April: I’m so pleased and thankful to God to see the impact you’re having. Awesome.
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Thanks, David! I am in awe of all that God is doing! 🙂 I definitely have a heart bursting over with praise for Him. Please pray I will only speak His Words and His message!
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I think this suggestion (to stop pursuing) is so wise. I’m sure God is in it. If your husband hears a dominant voice, we want it to be the voice of God. We do not want God’s voice drowned out by any other noise, right? Isn’t that what you are telling us?
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Brother Daryl,
I need to write a post on that, too!
Greg told me that when I stopped all the criticizing, complaining, arguing, negativity, lecturing and disrespect, it was like taking static off of the speaker with God’s voice for him.
Then when I added the affirmation, appreciation, genuine respect, encouragement, friendliness and willingness to honor his leadership,he said it was like putting an amplifier on God’s voice.
Pretty amazing!
Sometimes wives are not necessarily talking about God too much, but constantly asking for attention, reassurance, affection and emotional connection can repel our men.
Instead of insisting on our husbands giving us attention, we can give them the freedom to give what they want to give because they want to give it. It means a whole lot more that way!
But yes, as husbands don’t hear our voice as much, many times they can hear God’s voice better.
Thank you so much!
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Ouch! But oh so true. Thanks for saying it this way, that makes a lot of sence.
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Ladies,
I don’t know if you have ever watched Audrey Hepburn. She was feminine, graceful, elegant, classy and poised.
If you remember some of the movies from that era,women were not clingy, needy and demanding – usually.
They were confident in themselves, self-controlled, gracious, calm, patient and knew how to subtly draw men to them instead of trying to force a man to give them attention.
There are actually wedding cake toppers now that have a bride dragging a wounded groom to get married.
That is NOT our strategy in marriage as godly women!!
We don’t beat our men to death with our words and force them to submit to us.
We have a gentle, peaceful, tranquil, still spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear. Our confidence and faith is in Christ. We are unshakable in Christ! We find our joy in Him.
So we don’t have to be a needy black hole that is insatiable. We are full of springs of Living Water – God’s Spirit. Anything our husbands do for us is a blessing, but we are stable and expectant as we wait on God and trust His sovereignty. We don’t have to argue. We don’t have to complain.
We say what we want and need – usually once to our husbands.
Then we wait to see the sovereignty of God unfold.
There is no struggling. There is no freaking out. Our faith is built on the firm foundation of Christ Jesus and His Word. We seek only His glory and His will. We can embrace waiting and suffering – knowing Jesus will use it all to make us more and more like Himself.
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Beautiful. This is how I want to be. I apologized to my husband this morning and basically said I wanted to be a blessing to him. He said I already am. I told him some things I do that I know aggravate him and are disrespectful and said I dont want to treat you that way anymore because I am sinning againstGod and you and I love God and I love you and I want you to feel loved. He said thank you. All snuggly 🙂 Im so lucky
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Wow, Marie!!!!!!!!
THAT IS AWESOME!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I’m so thankful for what God is beginning in you. It is beautiful. 🙂
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Dee!!!
You make me smile. Good for you! If you choose to — you can get the Love and Respect book from the library. It opened my eyes very wide.
April’s blog is filled with more than enough words of wisdom to keep you going, if you choose not to get the book. I am delighted for your growth spurt. All the best as you move forward on this journey.
Now, April – Dee must be your best student! 🙂
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Prayinglikehannah – I think you and Dee might be neck and neck!!!!! 🙂
I’m very excited for you both.
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My husband was so affectionate this evening. Not normal for him. He worked on our truck tonight so I helped him. He crawled under it and fixed the brake line while I handed him tools and never b—-ed about it or complained once LOL. I didn’t even direct him. It was hard to be quiet but I kept saying to myself that he is smart enough to think for himself I know nothing about cars. I’m going to enjoy the cool evening breeze while he works. It was nice that he wasn’t aggravated with me when he was done. I usuAlly piss him off with my mouth. He stews silently but I see it in his face and behavior. Tonight he sat on the couch and snuggled and kissed me. I was in shock which was probably the only reason I didn’t talk incessantly about everything. I’m ordering thAt book tomorrow becAuse I don’t want to mess this up. It’s very hard for me to shut up and just relax and leave things in Gods hands and be peaceful but by the grace of God I did good today. I think my apology really helped him.
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Marie,
I am SO proud of you!!!! And I am SO thankful for the work God is starting in your heart.
It is hard to not be controlling at first. It is SO tempting to want to tell your man what to do. But I love what you told yourself, “He is smart enough to think for himself. I know nothing about cars.” I also really love the way you decided to just savor the time together and enjoy the breeze. AWESOME JOB!!!!!!!!! A+!!!!!!!!!
Our husbands actually don’t need that much from us – once we understand how they work.
Giving respect to them, and appreciation – is way less work than us trying to control everything. It is less stressful for us. It’s less stressful for them. We all get to enjoy each other more and have peace. It makes our husbands want to be around us more. It is a win/win!
AND!!!!!! We don’t have all the regret and guilt we used to from yelling, screaming, cussing, criticizing and sinning against our men, either. We get to become the women we have always wanted to be.
As wives go further into this journey of respecting and honoring their husbands – in time – husbands will often begin to care a lot more about their wives’ feelings, and eventually… if a wife just looks sad, many times her husband will jump to try to make her feel better. A man who feels respected and honored WANTS to make his wife happy. And if he thinks it is actually possible to make her happy again – he will often be willing to try to do things that make her happy.
Kind of neat! 🙂
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Marie:
So exciting! I am happy for you. You are indeed a sprinter at this thing. It is nice to see you learning so fast — and applying. I have had MUCH heartache in my marriage – and I wish I knew all these things before. I am therefore very elated when I see other people who are able to save themselves the heartache. Doing what God wants us to do is hard work! However, the results of our disobedience (or more ignorance in my case, at least initially), lead only to destruction. The results of God’s prescription for marriage, are beautiful You go Dee! 🙂
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Thanks for the kudos 🙂 We had company today and I started to slip up. I started to correct my husband in front of them so I looked smarter than him, but I was able to catch myself and completely turn it around mid sentence so it sounded like I was just repeating something he had said to me earlier and had forgotten about so he looked good. Whew. That was close. He looked at me when I was talking as if embarassed and I caught myself and I could see in his face how respected he felt when I stopped myself. I am so likeing this.He is soo affectionate suddenly. Respectfully affectionate. He is eating this up and Im enjoying his happier self. I really tore this man down and because he knew my abusive past he tolerated it but it did shut him down. Im a little scared of my mouth and prideful attitude so I will spend more time with God. I know I will slip up but I dont want to hurt him anymore. I lose when I hurt him but I also see now the look on his face. Funny I never noticed the pain in his face before. Too concerned about myself I guess. His face has become my barometer. When I talk I look at his face. If he starts to frown or look sad,hurt,embarassed I know my mouth is running away with me. Im so glad I was able to stop myself. Thank you Holy Spirit for the quick conviction and new sensitivity you have instilled in my heart towards my husband. It wasnt there a few days ago. This is from you Lord and I thank you.
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Marie,
This is AWESOME!!!!!!
This is a LONG, LONG process that often takes many months or years. But this is a BEAUTIFUL start!!!!!!!!!!
I would love to share this as a post, please, ma’am!
I think MANY wives would be inspired. I love how you described your husband’s face. I agree. It’s shocking. How could we not have noticed the pain we were causing our husbands before???
It’s like Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says in Love and Respect, “The scales of disrespect fall off of a wife’s eyes.” THen, suddenly, we can SEE.
That is a God thing!
I’m SO excited that you are hearing the conviction and stopping yourself. Eventually, you will be able to stop yourself from even beginning to say the disrespectful thing. And farther down the road – you will not even THINK the disrespectful stuff. God will completely regenerate your heart!
Much love!
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…and yes, the Love and Respect Book will be very helpful. It is an excellent book!
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This entire post terrified me.
I am that woman, the needy, insecure, pushy one.
I know he hates it, and what’s more horrible is that fact that he hasn’t done anything to warrant my behaviour.
He’s faithful, honest, a good provider and a great father – but this rediculous part of me, the part of my gut that clenches at the thought of “letting go” feeds me this horrible idea that if I let go, he’ll just ‘get away’ and leave.
I realize this all stems from abandonment issues that I’m projecting on my poor husband, and even when I read your list of “fears” they sounded so silly.
Like he’d never tell me he loves me or kiss/touch me ever again…
But still, giving up that “control” absolutley, 100% terrifies me, even though I know it’s harming our marriage.
Thank you for this post, I have a LOT I need to think about and even more to work on.
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PetiteFoi,
Yes – MANY, MANY if not most women are that woman. I was.
Yes, it is terrifying – because when control is your idol – when thinking you have control is what you pin all your hopes and dreams on – the thought of stepping down from control seems impossible. It seems dangerous. The reason it seems so dangerous is because – if you are like me – you have a very tiny picture of God and a HUGE picture of yourself. For me, I didn’t understand God’s sovereignty AT ALL. I thought everything literally depended on me. I was overly responsible for everyone. I learned some warped ideas about my parents being “weak” when I was very young. I felt I had to be the mama for my siblings. I felt responsible for the whole world when I was a child, crying because people in Africa were starving and I wasn’t fixing it. I thought I seriously was sovereign. I would never have said that. But I actually thought I had to make things work out “right” because if I didn’t, no one else would or could. I trusted SELF, not God. I thought I trusted God. I thought I was an awesome CHristian. But what I was really doing was worshipping myself and I expected my husband to bow down and submit to me and serve me and worship me, too. I didn’t ever think that consciously. But that is what I expected. After all, I was “always right” and I “knew best.” All the time. About everything.
It turns out that trying to be in control was an illusion. I didn’t actually control anything – IN FACT – the more I tried to control things, the bigger mess I made and the more I repelled everyone in my life!
You are addicted to thinking you are in control – like I was, and like the friend of mine who wrote this email.
When you are faced with having your idol, your addiction removed – it is terrifying.
So – it is time to look at the truth about how much control you actually have and the damage that your attempts to control your husband is doing.
You may want to search “Control and Boundaries” on my home page, and also “Idol of Control”
The key is to learn about the sovereignty of God and to make CHRIST your life. You have to lay down all of your wisdom, your dreams, your plans, your goals, your desires, your life – and give it all to Jesus. Submit fully to Him as LORD. Then, He exchanges all that you gave Him and gives You what He has. So you will pick up His wisdom, His dreams, His plans, His goals, His desires, His LIFE and you will live only for His glory.
This is the key to contentment and happiness.
God will NEVER allow us to find contentment in idols. He will never let us find joy and peace in self. True contentment only comes from living with Christ as Lord.
Check out some of David Platt’s sermons sometime, too.
Much love to you! I am here if you want to talk about anything! 🙂
I have been down this road. It is scary at first. TERRIFYING. But then – it is the way to the abundant life Jesus wants to give you – and it is the gateway to the treasures of heaven!
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I found that once I repented and asked Gods help he started to help me right away. I have this crazy anxiety sometimes when I’m. Trying to keep my mouth shut so I say to myself to relax and just calm down. I have issues LOL but it works and I say Jesus thank you for helping me. Your gonna be fine. Now that we have both acknowledged our behAviors are because of OUR issues we will be able to start healing. I’m happy for us both 🙂
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Marie,
I am thrilled for you!!!!!!!!
You are always welcome here. I can’t wait to hear from you. Much love to you!!!!! 🙂
Here’s a post about how this process usually progresses in stages – may be helpful as you begin this amazing journey of sanctification.
Learning to Respect and Give Up Control is a Process
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I am glad you have found what works for your marriage. I disagree with using pressure & pursuit as synonymous terms. Read Song of Sol. she pursued her husband her lover. Think your blog post can create confusion and problems in a marriage. Many husbands want their wife to pursue them.
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That is a great point, Anon – maybe I can change the word to pressure instead of pursue. 🙂
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Hmmm, April I know what you mean by pursue. Its true that in Song of Solomon the woman pursued her beloved, but I don’t think that’s meant to convey that this was characteristic of her overall demeanor. Wasn’t she pursuing him because she had arisen too late to open the door for a pre arranged meeting and he left without receiving her response to his knock? I don’t have my bible in front of me right now, so I am going from my late at night memory but I think she rushed out into the night, grieved that he thought she had not responded to let him in. That is very different than a high pressure determined pursuit by a woman who cannot wait on God and presumptuously pushes and forces via pursuit and emotional pressure. She may get him to bend to her will and desires but it will be at a cost to them both, I think. I am definitely in cahoots with you on this one, lol 🙂
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Patricia,
There certainly are times when it is a good thing for a wife to pursue her husband. But not in a controlling, constant, pressuring, idolatrous way. I hope that makes sense!
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Anon,
Would you like to expand a bit on how a wife can pursue her husband without pressuring him?
I am hopeful that this post was obviously directed at wives who have been very demanding. But I would love to hear your thoughts! It might be a great post. 🙂
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I think I gave some examples in an earlier post. When a woman does something for a man without expecting him to reciprocate she is on the right track. Also, listen when he talks. When a guy says “I’ll handle it” or “I’ll take care of it” trust him to do so. At that point even if he fails he has accepted responsibility for it and you can hold him to that. You can also ask him “do you need a reminder?” if you suspect he will forget. If he says “no” then listen!
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I have been so disrespectful – and the constant neediness on my end is really pathetic. It feels unrepairable. I will say this though. God led me to this blog & this particular article – and to April. And I have to change…NOW…TODAY. And I want to. It is going to be so hard. For some reason, backing off of pursuing my fiance feels so lonely b/c he does not pursue me at all – at ALL. I need to REALLY back off though.
Here is the thing though and I will back off now – going to give it my all.
I wish my fiance would come to some revelation. I really do. He has an anger management problem & potentially has BPD (not sure at all as I am not a professional). I feel like I am looked at as the problem by myself (by admitting to my flaws, faults, sins) and to him. He waits on me to change and is happy when I am more respectful – yet he seems to have gotten away with everything.
Why don’t men have these epiphanies?
Kelly
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Kelly,
I am glad you can see what you are seeing. That is a really important step!
You may want to check out my post on http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com from today and yesterday. I think it may help you. 🙂
I am excited about what God is doing in you! God will change you first – then He gets you out of the way so He can change your man. Don’t worry. His turn is coming – but God will deal with him in a much more powerful way and more permanently life changing way than you could ever manage on your own.
Much love to you!
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Tami,
My son is almost 12. I am already trying to transition a bit – but it is hard at times!!!
I know Nina Roesner writes about this on her blog. She has a teenage son, too.
You can ask your husbAnd for tips.
But, my understanding is that you will speak in a pleasant tone of voice more. Not nag them. Praise the good. Give requests more and more instead of commands.
I am sure a whole book could be written on this topic!
Has your husband shared his insights with you?
I depend on my husband a lot to tell me how I can best approach our son these days.
Praying for wisdom for you!
Please pray for me, too!
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I am just so speechless!! I feel so full on the inside because I feel so taught of the Lord through your posts.
We will be 5months in marriage this December 13th. They have been months if growing and maturing more. Your posts are such an amazing catalyst. I am a young bride that wants to start excellently right from the start.
I got married to my awesome husband with the knowledge that he needed respect more than anything. And it’s amazing the great lengths that a respected man will go to make his woman happy and meet her needs because he wants to and delights in doing so. I would not trade that for anything!!
Thank you for sharing your life with us…clearly see Titus 2:4-5.
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DRR,
I am thankful that God is using these posts to deepen your walk with Him. What a wonderful answer to prayer! I am so excited about your attitude toward God and your husband. How I long for every marriage to start out on a firm foundation in God’s Word like that. 🙂
Congratulations on your new marriage! May God richly bless your walk with Him and may your marriage draw many to Christ!
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So, what is your advice if your husband is going to a place like Twin Peaks and you have expressed how uncomfortable it makes you and the hurt it causes when he chooses to go on a regular basis despite your conversations and him saying he understands, even saying he won’t go anymore, but then turns around and continues to go? They are always dressed inappropriately, but chooses to go on the days that they have advertised they will be dressed in even less and when I lovingly try and discuss it with him, he just brushes it off and says he will probably go anyway. I haven’t responded in anger, just concern and trying to understand. I know I need to let go and let God handle this. I am struggling with how to not let it bother me and still show him love and affection. We have been through a lot, and are trying to get past a lot of pain already. He says he will do what it takes to try and make it work, but refuses to change his behaviors. I understand the giving him distance and not pushing him to show me love etc. So do I just let this go to and pretend as though I don’t care that he decides to still go there? I haven’t demanded him not to, just asked him to please try and understand why I would feel the way I do. He still does it. Any advice?
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blessingsandbooboos,
That name describes us all, doesn’t it? 🙂 I like that!
Is he a believer in Christ?
If he is not – then his greatest need is Jesus, and he cannot change himself. He is spiritually dead – so addressing particular sins may be rather pointless. Check out the post “When My Spouse is Wrong.”
If he is a believer, he is FAR from God right now – and I Peter 3:1-6 is your assignment until God changes his heart.
The more you lecture or nag or preach at him, the more he will probably rebel and go to this place anyway.
But if you can be quiet about it and allow God to work in his heart and you continue to show honor and respect – THAT WILL CONVICT HIM LIKE NOTHING ELSE!
You will have to get out of God’s way and be silent so that your husband can begin to hear God’s voice for himself.
You don’t pretend you don’t care. You say, probably once, “Honey, it hurts me and disrespects me and our marriage when you go to Twin Peaks. It makes me SO sad. I really want to respect and honor you and this makes it much more difficult for me to respect you.”
So, you are true to your feelings. You share. And then he will know what he is doing and he will make his choice knowing the damage he is causing and as you respond without sin – it will eat at his soul.
Then you don’t say anything else. We will pray together and wait for God to work in your husband’s life.
You will seek out opportunities to honor his leadership, cooperate with him, praise the good, affirm the things he does well, appreciate the things he does do for you, etc.
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My husband knows how I feel about stuff like that. I dont know if he goes to places like that but he did before I met him cause all the guys he hung out with did. Lusting other woman is a sin because it degrades woman. Guys think its haveing fun. I played a few videos about sex trafficking and my husbands and sons saw me watching it. They asked why I was watching that. I said I want to see what a man who hurts woman looks like so if I ever meet one I will know to run. They told me what guys act like who do that. Actcharming and fake. Overly nice cause they have a hidden agenda. We had a great conversation about it and I am hopeing somehow they saw that their wife and mom could easily be a victim of degradation andmaybe think twice about doing that themselves to someone elses wife,mother,daughter.
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Thank you for posting this. This is the first thing my husband of 3 months did with his friends when I left to visit my sister. He is not a believer and he doesn’t see anything wrong with this. It breaks my heart!
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Its the first time am reading such truth. I now realise that constant nagging causes a lot of pressure on the marriage.we need to show love,gratitude and patience.its not easy to resist telling him your mind most times but I think avoiding unnecessary stress is vital.God bless u for ur revelations.they are true!
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Jacqueline,
I am so glad this blessed you. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!
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April, our good lord led me to one of your blogs re stopping pursuing our hubby’s! It is def helping me and my marriage to an unbeliever. God has been working I know he has and what you are sharing is def what god wants me to do! Theres me believing I was respectful and not demanding but I have been lol… Thank god there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus! He def is the way, truth & the life! May god bless & lead you richly in him! England UK
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Starlight,
I thank God He is using these posts to draw you to Himself and bless your walk with Him and your marriage. That is awesome!
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Honestly, with d whole attitude I get from my fiance I totally believe I should adopt this new life and giving space strategy. But I still wonder since this process is somehow painful and reduced d romance why shld I settle for dat kindda married life when I can get out of d relationship now and get married to a male friend dat is more sensitive and treats me like a queen.
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engaged,
I am not sure what your relationship is like – so I cannot possibly say whether you should leave your fiancé or not. What is going on exactly?
Are you both believers in Christ?
How are you talking to him? Are you making him more important to you than God? Are you expecting him to be responsible for your own happiness?
Does he feel respected by you? Here is a good post to check how he may be feeling. Signs Your Husband May be Feeling Disrespected
How do you treat him when you don’t get what you want?
How is your walk with Christ?
What does he say he needs?
As you respect and honor him, that usually deepens the intimacy and romance.
I’m glad to talk with you about this. 🙂
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i feel lonely….when my husband avoids me…..i had lost my dad …my dad used to be a visitor cos of workin in the gulf….so i never had got a father’s love….and i have no brothers…..so when a man waited for 5 years for me waiting to marry me i was so happy thinking that i wil never face loneliness …but i was wrong…..i was left alone at home …
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adding to the above….he is a workaholic…..we have never gone anywhere after our 2.5 years of marriage…..am not from a very rich family like him….in fact i never went behind him before marriage he came behind me…..but now after marriage he sometimes in front of my in laws makes fun of me , my family….he talks about me loudly”she has never eaten good food or seen such wealth before ……look how arrogant she is now” this hurts me i just feel crushed….if my father was there he would never had allowed such talks against me
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Mens brains get a thorough testosterone bath in the uterus, they are born insensitive to peoples feelings. As a woman you can do much to quietly teach him about your feelings. Ive had that happen to me too, my husband says stuff about me jokingly with no intent to hurt me but Im shy and sensitive and a private person . I dont like anyone to talk about me at all. Ive quietly told my husband in private this about me and please stop bringing me up in his conversations. Talk about someone or something else besides me. He forgets occassionally but I remind him later. He apologizes and says he was trying to make humor. I said thats fine but dont include me in his humor because Im very sensitive and it will hurt my feelings for him. I will feel guarded with him when we are around others. He can be loud and boisterous and sometimes forgets I am a personal person. After these talks with him I feel he understands better now but just cant control himself at times. He likes to be funny and make humor at the things that endear him about me. I can see he means to be cute and tease me but I dont like it. Im personal. Private. I dont get mad at him now if it happens just remind him later to not do it. He always says sorry and hugs me now. He is learning my feelings and being sensitive to them after the fact but at least he is learning them and we are understanding and loving eachother better instead of fighting like we use to.
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Marie,
It is a great idea to say gently, “That really hurt my feelings.” It’s fine for us to tell our husbands when we are hurt. If we can do that in a vulnerable way and not sin against our husbands in return – they will be most receptive and most likely to care about our feelings.
Thanks so much!
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@Marie: I think when these discussions come up we need to stop it with the “blame all men’s behavior on testosterone” tone. Scientifically, we don’t even really know if testosterone leads to aggression or aggression leads to testosterone production. Saying that men are born insensitive to people’s feelings is like saying we aren’t born human. The problem as I see it is that men and woman are born suspicious and curious of each other. Rather than giving the other the benefit of the doubt, we resort to snipping and murmuring because of our fallen state. Maybe some men are insensitive but so are a lot of women. As an educator I can tell you that the young women in my class are some of the rudest and most crass individuals I have ever met. There is certainly nothing more noble about them than their male peers. The male students in my class handle criticism much better and they don’t throw temper tantrums if they get a bad grade. Perhaps the real question is why are some people oversensitive? Insensitivity and oversensitivity are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Being an oversensitive person is just as problematic as an insensitive one. Emotions are not gods and do not have to be yielded to. Sometimes they are destructive.
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Hmmm . I will think about this. I have just never known a man who was sensitive Maybe its more of a learned skill. I see what you mean about woman being very rude and crass and so its not hormones then but our fallen nature. Im glad you pointed this out because I have always assumed it was a guys testosterone. Thats what my counselor says too but now I can understand she is wrong. Because woman too are terribly insensitive. Funny how I couldnt see that, its so darn obvious if you just stop and think about it. I have soo many mindsets and your blog is freeing me from soo much and softening and healing my heart towards men in general not just my husband. I thank GOD for your blog. Its helped me more than my counselor because now GOD is my counselor.
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Marie,
You’re welcome!
God is the Wonderful Counselor – that is for sure!
Joseph,
Thanks for sharing. 🙂
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@Marie: Men are quite sensitive although not in the the way women necessarily expect. Think about peacefulwife’s blog here. If men didn’t care or were “insensitive” why would anything women did or say matter to us? Why would peacefulwife bother putting her time and effort into this enormous project if men carried on regardless of what was against us? Men are sensitive but instead of curling up in a corner many men will either disconnect and ignore you or attempt to “one-up” you.
Lastly, I am very weary about “counselors.” I’ve heard quite a few horror stories about what counselors have told people. Too often the female counselors like to “pile it on” as far as men are concerned. If you talk to many of them they act and give advice as if men have no feelings. They always put the woman in the right because they cannot put their own feelings aside and be an objective party. One of my friend’s psychologists allegedly convinced her that her husband was cheating on her simply because he was insecure about her going on long vacations by herself. Umm…yeahh her shrink should have lost her license to practice for adding fuel to that fire. Thankfully they are still married and worked their own problems out.
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JRiani,
There was a time I believed Greg had no feelings – because he never EVER expressed them. I had no idea I had hurt him deeply with my disrespect. I”m so thankful God showed me the truth and opened my eyes and helped me to see that Greg (and men) DO have feelings and that what they think, feel and need is important!
It is pretty common today for many people to blame husbands for marriage problems. I pray we will be very careful about who we accept advice from and what advice we accept -that it might line up with God’s Word and strengthen and heal our marriages, not add more pain.
Thanks!
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Funny you mentioned that, my counselor also suggested my husband may be cheating on me too. No chance of that, he works a LOT and has the pay stubs to prove it. Hes always home otherwise. After she said that I decided not to talk to her about my marriage. Shes a single mom so what would she know anyhow. Im really shocked by my beliefs about men.I have had a long held mindset shattered today and feel so blessed.
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@Marie: I am curious as to why your counselor shared her own family situation with you. Is she a certified counselor / psychologist that works in her own practice or is she one of those “life coach” types? Given the details she shared with you, its no wonder why in her view “men are the problem.” The single professional mom types are often infused with feminist rage and anger when it comes to men. They pretty much operate on the premises that most of women’s suffering is caused exclusively by men.
Also, I’m sure I can speak for many guys in that we like to see our wives content and satisfied. That is why when something is wrong guys often go into “fix it” mode and try to make things better. Many of the guys I know would move mountains for their wives. I know a lot of single guys that make complete idiots out of themselves just to make a girl happy and notice him. For a lot of guys, affirmation from a woman is more valuable to them than food.
Yes, there are abusive guys out there but there are abusive women out there too. I read an article not to long ago by a Christian woman about “husband bashing” and how it has almost become a right of passage for women even in Christian circles. There’s a whole website dedicated to husband bashing but no equivalent for “wife bashing.” There is also an app for smartphones called Lulu which allows women to rate (judge) men based on mostly superficial and insulting criteria. If such an app existed for men it would be removed as sexism almost immediately. These pearls of culture are all the fruits of feminism come to pass and they continue to irritate the already strained relations between men and women.
When we resort to blaming the others for our misery we cease our spiritual quest towards God because we fail to pay attention to the “sty in our own eye.” This is something feminism has taught women to ignore for decades (i.e. man = bad, woman = good). As a result women have come to associate every negative thing with men making themselves miserable.
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I am finding another counselor. She is a PSYD. Is that a doctorate of psychology? Anyhow, she is harsh when it comes to men, so I stopped discussing anything with her about myhusband. Shes also a Buddist and although her beliefs do seem peaceful she acts amused about my faith in God. Ive been seeing her almost 2 years but time to move on. I will seek a Christian counselor. Someone more of a match. We have Christian counseling centers throughout this area. That psychologist did help me with anxiety issues but I have found more help on Aprils blog for everything else . Aprils blog helps me lean on God and seek him, that counselor says lean on ,myself and meditate. I don’t find peace in that.I will let her know that I need a Christian counselor. She has suggested I find a different counselor too, a few times. Maybe shes uncomfortable with my faith. I told her I don’t believe in divorce when she suggested it and I told her why. How clueless Ive been LOL. I thought I could keep our different beliefs separate from the counseling but it affects every aspect of it. My stronger faith and beliefs since being on peacefulwifes blog have interfered in her counseling approach with me. Thank you GOD.
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@Marie: Glad to hear of your decision. Lets pray for the women who still see this woman. Yes, a Psy.D. is a professional degree. She should quite honestly be barred from practicing for the “advice” she’s given you. Psychs aren’t supposed to tell you what to do. They are supposed to help you work through it with minimal input and develop the skills to handle your own problems.
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Yes,I agree, she made me feel confused a few times so I stopped telling her personal relationship stuff. It was obvious she leaned heavily towards being single and self supportive. Nothing wrong with either of those things but that meant divorce for me. ughh. I will pray for the woman she counsels. Thanks for takeing the time to help me sort out my thoughts on this. Actually you were supportive about what I already felt and kinda knew so thanks for your insight and kindness.
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Marie,
You and I need to do a post in this issue, my friend!
Would you allow me to share some of your story with this counselor anonymously, please? And we can talk about how critical it is for us as believers to only seek godly, biblical counsel that lines up with God’s Word? We need to be sure the people we take advice from are seeking God’s will, His truth and His glory in our lives, not an ungodly agenda.
This is a really important topic!!!
Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂
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absolutely
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If you feel anything I said would help someone else that’s great. I didn’t realize that this very educated psychologist would cause such conflict in me or that her “education” would be in conflict to my faith.I just was looking for some psychology to help with an anxiety issue and she did help me with that , to understand it as well. She was a bit too full of herself though. Very prideful. Looking back I can see that now in her responses and reactions to things I told her. Very snooty. Good thing I felt uneasy inside and backed off with shareing. Now I see that uneasiness I was feeling was our conflict of beliefs.
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Marie,
Thank you very much. I think it is easy to assume that if someone has a worldly “professional” education, we can trust anything they have to say. But that is definitely not the case.
I appreciate your willingness to allow me to share. Thank you!
I praise God for what He is doing in your life and marriage. 🙂
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Marie,
How are you this week?
Much love!
April
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Hi April, thanks for asking. Im doing pretty good actually 🙂 God has removed the need desire or rebelliousness in me to go against my husbands leadership. I have spent every morning and evening on my knees in prayer and renewal. When I awake and when I go to bed, I spend time in Gods presence through prayer and he has quieted me. It carries on into the day. My obedience to God. After that dream I had about the cop holding a gun to my head to surrender and obey, I realized that I could obey and be obedient to God. He will not hold a gun to my head to do so like the cop would, God wants my love for him to be what motivates my obedience. I know his ways are best for me and my marriage and family so the only thing that was hindering me was my pridefulness and whininess. I didn’t like what I was seeing in myself. Im done with that . Many wonderful things are happening in my marriage and family. My husband is thinking for himself and having God moments and aha moments of his own in regards to his role as a dad and husband. He went a little out of control for a few months when I lifted off the reigns LOL but now its settling down as he is becoming more attracted and curious of my new demeaner and respectful deep yet short to the point conversations.He likes that a lot 🙂 and my emotions are now stable. Once I had that dream, I fell in line quick and I have been blessed immensely. Thank you for all your posts April. Im so glad I found this website.Love Marie
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Marie,
This is amazing!!!!!!! I wonder if you might allow me to share it on my FB page later?
I praise God for what he is doing in you both! Can’t wait to hear all that God has in store for you!
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You can share , thanks for asking 🙂 I feel such peace . I cant believe the hardest part of this was my own struggle with myself. I was in my own way. God is so beautiful merciful loving and compassionate. Also firm,stern ,patient and wise. OK Im gonna cry now. He loves me and now I truly love him. He s been so kind and good to me. How can I ever show him my love for him? By staying close to him and not turning away. I wont be moved.
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@Marie: There is an article about psychologists you should read. It is called “Closed Thinking” by Bruce Bower in ScienceNews. I think there are some very positive aspects of psychology but many psychologists let that degree go to their head.
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OK thanks. Im going to read it. I didn’t go to an appt. last week with her. I go Bi-Weekly and missing last weeks appt. feels freeing. I feel good about my decision. Like a cloud has been lifted. Wow. I was feeling pulled between being a biblical wife and being a feminist. I had no idea what that conflict was inside my head. April…please never stop what your doing here. So many are deceived. I have tears in my eyes. I think being the wife I want to be and that I know God is calling me to be is going to become easier now. Not Easy..just easier. Love and Hugs.
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Marie,
Yes – getting rid of worldly and ungodly voices DEFINITELY makes it easier to hear God’s voice more clearly and to focus on His wisdom and His truth and His power. I am THRILLED about what God is doing in you!!!!!! What an incredible difference I have seen as He continues to sculpt and mold you to be more and more like Christ in these last few months since we have “met.”
Yes. I know! So many are deceived and are hurting and don’t even know why. I wish I could sit down with every woman on the planet and share these treasures of heaven so that each woman could see that Jesus has unlocked the dungeon door for each of us. Now, we can get up and run with Him into His glorious freedom, truth, light and abundant Life.
I also believe that God has plans to use you to be my co-laborer in Christ to help share this message. As you are ready – I would love to share more of your story. 🙂
Please pray that God would empower me daily to be faithful and to speak His truth and not turn from it to the right or to the left. Please pray that His Spirit will speak to every wife who reads this blog and that He will draw many to Himself for His glory!
I make myself totally available to Jesus to use however He sees fit. I want only to honor and obey and glorify Him. I owe Him EVERYTHING! I can’t keep this treasure to myself!
Much love!
April
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I will pray for you April. God will lead woman to your blog, just keep doing what your doing. Id just like to encourage you to Remember to make time for resting in him.
Today I am reminded of the depth of the verse…the truth shall set you free. (Thank you for takeing care of that technical request. )
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Thank you so much, Marie! 🙂
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JRiani,
SO true!
Amen!!!!!
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lonely gal,
I thought that I would never be lonely again after I got married, too. But I was lonelier than ever many times earlier in our marriage.
Who Knew Marriage Could Be So Lonely?
How are things with your husband?
What is your relationship with Christ?
Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?
What do you believe you need to be happy?
What are you most afraid of?
Much love and a HUGE hug to you, my precious girl!
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Is there a way to contact you directly?
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You dont know how that friend will treat you after your married. The whole entire dynamics of a relationship changes after marriage when you become yoked together . Peoples personalities come out during stress and conflict LOL. You might get a big surprise from this sensitive new guy who turns to jerk. Dont be led away from your husband by greener pastures. EVery lawn has dirt under it.
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Great view. I just talked with my husband about needing more intimacy andhe told me I need to pray cause It’s my problem and he cant fill the void. Strange, I am ok. Can’t force him, I a done. Prayer it is. God help me, keep me. I am not demanding, in fact, I have kept quiet for years. Point is, you’re right demands push them further away.
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Teresa,
I pray for God’s wisdom for you both and for healing. I pray you might find contentment, peace, joy and purpose in Christ no matter what your husband does or does not do.
Sending you a huge hug!
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Shalom woman of God, I tried to read your message and I’m touched by the way u explained things. I had a problem that I wanted to share with u. Be blessed so much by God in heaven
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Prophet TM Johnathan,
What would you like to share? 🙂
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Thank you for this blog it makes me realize how wrong I am, lately I’ve been asking my husband to give me attention and affection and to say the words I want to hear but he gets mad and tells me that I dont understand that he’s tired. Everything is good in our marriage until I start nagging….but I see I’m wrong, i know he loves me and I pray about it but I dont live for god as I should be doing and that is also my struggle, I expect god to answer my prayer but when it comes time for me to give him my time I dont commit. I’ve felt the holy spirit over me and its the most beautiful feeling 🙂 I ask for prayer over me to help me with this battle, I want God more than anything…I want peace. Thank You
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VIV,
I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart! I have COUNTLESS posts about these issues. You are welcome to check out the posts at the top of my home page, and even the posts from this past week – I believe would greatly bless you and point you towards Christ and learning to live fully for Him and to submit to Him as LORD and to find all your contentment, peace and joy in Him. Amazingly, as you do that, He will probably heal your marriage, as well. 🙂
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I don’t know where to begin. My husband actually sent me this blog. I appreciate all the wonderful things that you said and know that I need to work on not being too pushy in the bedroom. But right now I’m just feeling frustrated as to how I’m supposed to respond to him. You see I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one who does anything in that area. He tells me he would want to if I backed off. I’ve tried doing that too but it doesn’t last long. Because I forget about it or I just want what I want. Which is terrible and I know it needs to stop. I just feel like I’m still paying for my past mistakes with him, the being to pushy part. I also feel like I’ve gotten better and being better. I feel like things in that regard will never change with him though. It’s like he forgot how to touch me but I remembered everything he likes. I don’t know how to stop being pushy, I’ve tried stepping back and asking God to help me and have even had weeks where I have. Sometimes I feel like my husband should be lucky to have a wife as interested as I am. Wow I’m so selfish. (that wasn’t sarcasm) My feelings are hurt that he sent this to me, because I thought I was doing better. I’m angry with him. Sometimes I just want to runaway from my marriage because I’m always the one who seems to hurt him. He can never do anything wrong. Maybe I’m not ready to let go of my controlling side. I know I need to but I just don’t know how. I hate that I hurt him and that I’m so pushy with this. Thank you for sharing this blog, I probably should re-read it and take a few notes.
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Ashleigh,
My sweet girl! I am so glad to meet you!
I can also very much relate to you. You know what? My husband used to turn me down OFTEN. I felt so devastated and rejected. It is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. So – I definitely understand how upsetting it is when you feel unloved and rejected by your own husband.
I am not sure what all is going on with y’all.
I asked my own husband recently why it was that he was turned me down so much earlier. He said it was usually either because he was really tired or felt disrespected.
I have a post “The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage” that may be helpful.
I know that it is SO HARD to back off a bit. But – men tend to like to be the ones who pursue. Sometimes they feel too smothered or forced if we are pursuing them too much.
I’m glad that he is trying to explain how he feels. I know that this is such a painful topic.
How long have you tried waiting and giving him space?
For me – I just completely stopped and waited. It took 6 weeks. Eventually, over time, things became a lot more balanced and now we both initiate at times and things are good. But – I also don’t push anymore and don’t try to force my way and don’t freak out if he is tired. God empowers me to be able to be gracious now. Such a blessing.
It is very frustrating when one spouse has a much higher drive than the other.
I have some posts that may be helpful at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect.
Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
I’m really glad to talk with you about anything! I’m not an expert or professional. But I will do my best to point you to Christ and the Bible.
Here’s another helpful post, I think “Things that are Attractive/Unattractive to Husbands”
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We are both very strong believer’s. I’ve always had a close relationship with the Lord since I was 11. My husband grew up in a Christian background and really started coming into it about 6 years ago. We have been married for a year and are I guess just going through the usual early stages.
I think what has turned him off to me is my family’s control. The women in my family have a lot of say so over the men in their lives. I don’t like that because I’ve noticed the damage that comes from that. My husband has noticed it too and can see it in me sometimes and I think that is his turnoff.
For me it hurts because I feel like he doesn’t love me or want me, like he’s grossed out by me. He reassures that it has nothing to do with him not loving me because he does. Still though it hurts. Because at the very beginning he was all about us.
We also have a 9 year age gap between us, he’s 31 and I’m 22. So he has in the past complained about being too tired, his immune system is not very good either and he gets lots of headaches. I still would try and egg something on even if he wasn’t in the mood and wind up with my feelings being hurt and him being hurt cause I didn’t listen to his feelings.
The longest that I would like to say that I have gone without pressuring him was maybe two weeks, and I could see a positive difference. For some reason whether it is out fear that he won’t want me or of rejection or not I keep going back to old habits.
I want to be able to back off and break this cycle cause I definitely feel it crushing us. I will read those blogs. I’ve felt hopeless because there really hasn’t been anybody to share these thoughts with, without them giving bad advice and it’s just an awkward topic. I appreciate you getting back to me so quickly. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has/is experiencing this.
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Ashleigh,
My perspective, for whatever it is worth:
I think that you will find that he really does love you. And that as you respect his feelings and needs and even his headaches – he may just be more interested in time.
It is hard to wait.
What I would love for you to do is to trust that your husband DOES love you. I believe him when he says he does love you. Rest in his love and rest in God’s love. Don’t allow your husband’s acceptance of you sexually to determine your self worth.
It is easy to make an idol out of feeling accepted and desired sexually by our husbands. I HAVE SO BEEN THERE!
Lay your desire down before God.
Seek to find all of your contentment, identity, acceptance, purpose, love, peace and joy in Christ alone – no matter what your husband does or does not do. This is ALL about your relationship with Christ. When He is in the right place – He can give you the power to have joy and peace even in the storms, even when others don’t do what you want and you don’t get your way.
Seek God’s will and His glory and to bless your husband – and let go of every other motive. 🙂
Pray for God to bless and heal your marriage sexually. And then trust Him to work in your husband’s life as you back away a bit.
Here is my personal suggestion – try not initiating – for a month or two. Assume you are just going to take a break and give your man some space and time. Be receptive to him and joyful if he approaches you – but begin to reverse the roles and allow him to pursue you now.
It’s scary at first!
If there are medical problems or something, if he goes a month or two without initiating sex – then, something may be up. But – you might be surprised that as you give him some space, he may actually begin to miss you and want to pursue you himself.
He may not want sex every day. He may be good with once a week or once every two weeks or something. That is not wrong.
You may find that as you give him space and don’t smother and pressure him, he may actually enjoy sex more often than you think he would want it.
We’ll pray together!
Much love!
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Things are taking time. Yesterday we were able to sit and talk to each other with full ears about what changes we can start to make. I’m struggling with being patient but I’m working on it. And I’m letting God help me through this learning process. I am starting to back off and give space where it is needed. I’m working on not being hurt if I don’t get what I want.
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Ashleigh,
I am so glad!
It is VERY, VERY hard for a wife to back off and give her husband space and time when she longs to connect with him so much. I have been there. Sometimes, we think we are giving space by being quiet for an hour or two – that is what I used to think! But- if you are able to think more in terms of weeks or even months of backing off and giving him space, I think you will be able to get into a more healthy mindset and be prepared for the changes that need to happen. Change doesn’t happen instantly.
Maybe you can ask your husband what the 3 biggest things are that you could stop doing that would help, and the 3 biggest things that you could start doing, so you don’t try to change everything all at one and get overwhelmed?
Much love!
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In the past year I tried to back off and let God. I repented from idolatry and started to show respect and submission by the grace of God. Today, I am amazed at what God is doing in my marriage. My husband does things that I would not in many years expect him to do to pursue me, like touching me many times a day in a loving way. Tells me I love you more, doing the laundry, He has put my picture in his phone’s wall paper, something that I’ve been dreaming of for years but has not told him about. Letting me use the better car, Wanting me more sexually, making me laugh through his jokes and many more to mention. To God be the glory!!! And thank God for using you April…God bless you
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Beloved,
WOW! That is so wonderful! PRAISE GOD! 🙂 Thank you very much for sharing.
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@Ashleigh: Maybe its not you. As a guy, I can tell you that there are a lot of guys that care what society says about them. In our society men are constantly belittled as “sexual animals” that use sex as a weapon against women. The last thing your average man wants is to be seen a sexual animal taking advantage of his wife like prey. We have feminism and its implied “men are sexual deviants” attitude to thank for that.
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@Ashleigh: Whoa…the past is the past. Instead of focusing on your husband, start focusing on developing your relationship with God. Get the book, “Jesus Calling” and an Alanon book called “Courage to Change.” Talk with God and figure out with Him only the things He wants you to change. You cannot be someone you are not. Ask God for forgiveness for your sins. You and God have work to do on you, but only if you want to make changes that make you better–not you into a completely different person. If your husband wants a completely different person, then he should have married someone else.
Let God work on your husband. It sounds like there are some areas to change there too, but only if your husband seeks the Lord’s advice and wants to change. It takes two people to build the marriage and two people to destroy it. You are not 100% responsible. It is too easy for your husband to say that you are or allow you to feel as if you are so that he can avoid his responsibility of doing his part.
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Hello peaceful wife.
Wow Your post has touched many hearts ..including mine now. & Iv been searching for answers on how to be the best I can for my husband or if I’m doing the wrong things or sayin the wrong things wanting the wrong things. My way and not his way, the second he gets home from work its always about going upstairs to see his family (we moved in after he got out of the marine corps) I’m always on his tail about making me feel like I matter more than anyone to him. Because i do those things for him without asking..And he always takes it the wrong way when i say anything about it.I tell him he doesn’t make me happy when he does these things..but I feel like if I back off from him he’s going to mess everything up or hurt me again. I don’t feel like I have his trust since he broke it and lied to me about getting another womans number right after we had married..But he’s promised me that he would never do anything to hurt me again and he even admited to being wrong and foolish begging for my forgiveness on his knee’s. But still, I have this hurt this scar and ache inside me.that just won’t let me forget what he’d done. That was almost 2 years ago. After that happened we started fighting very badly he verbally and mentally abused me because I’d never let that go.. I took the beatings to my heart and have kept them since. it got so bad that I had to leave to be with my family for a little. Shortly after he followed and did what ever he could to keep me. I know I’ve got a novel going but what my problem is peacefulwife, is that I feel like I’ll never forget what he did. Even with gods help.. I am a strong believer in Christ and my parents are pastors/missionaries but I just have no trust to believe he won’t mess up again. Him. My husband. The man that is supposed to love me.. The man that is not supposed to hurt my heart. Got distracted wearing the ring I put on his wedding finger and deliberately was being unfaithful to our marriage.. Ugh I’m confused I’m weak. I always feel like my husband should be my happiness but I know that’s not true. I need prayer for strength to keep my mouth closed and to be still and pray to god for guidance because I feel not in control of my actions and im causing fights.. He is a good man and i know he loves me but We are both hot headed and stubborn..just want to know will my heart heal
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Miss L,
It is great to hear from you! 🙂
I am VERY, VERY sorry that things have been so painful and difficult.
So 2 years ago, your husband got another woman’s phone number – and you have fought with him and won’t forgive him and can never trust him again? Is that correct?
My precious girl!!!!
When you are a believer in Christ, your trust in not ultimately in your husband. Husbands are wretched sinners just like wives. Your trust is to be 100% in Christ Jesus. You can forgive not because your husband deserves it, but because Jesus forgave YOU for your mountain of sins and because the blood of Christ is sufficient to cover any sin. Thankfully, getting a woman’s phone number and lying about it is forgivable in Christ! Quite honestly, he is probably going to sin against you a whole lot worse than that many times in this marriage. And, it looks like you have already sinned against him a whole lot worse than that, too.
If Jesus is your LORD – He commands you to forgive or God will not forgive you. Unforgiveness is HUGE SIN. I held on to unforgiveness, resentment and bitterness for many years in our marriage, and I had no idea that what I was doing was – choosing to cherish bitterness instead of Christ.
Those are my choices. I can have Jesus or I can have my bitterness. I cannot have both.
Bitterness is ugly, nasty sin that starts as a little root and grows into an evil tree that overtakes my entire soul. It is idolatry of unforgiveness. It is toxic poison. You can search my home page for “bitter” and “bitterness” to read more and “forgiveness.”
What it appears to me that you are doing is that you may possibly be putting your husband and his behavior in your heart as more important to you than Jesus. I did this, too. And a Fellow Wife, who wrote this post, did that, too. Many, Many wives do this. This is idolatry. There is no greater sin than that. You may also have SELF as an idol, you may be trusting self more than God – I did that, too. And I also had being in control as an idol. I said I trusted Jesus, but I lived as if everything depended on me and I was ultimately responsible for making everything work out “right.” I completely missed the sovereignty of God. I lived in fear, worry, anxiety and loneliness. My pride and self-righteousness and contempt and resentment and bitterness repelled my husband away from me – and it grieved God’s heart so that God did not hear or answer my prayers.
Turns out, I am a WRETCHED sinner. I didn’t really and truly get that before 5 years ago.
If you need something to be happy and content in life – and that thing is not Jesus – there is a really good chance that you are committing idolatry.
It is not your husband’s responsibility to make you happy.
YOU are responsible for your own emotions and your own contentment and real contentment is only found in Christ. If you find that you are discontent and anxious – that is a very clear sign that you are putting something or more than one thing above Christ in your heart. Idols always bring discontentment, depression, anxiety and fear.
You cannot have the fruit of God’s Spirit when you are clinging to sin and idols. It is time to lay down all of the sin and to tear out anything that has become more important to you than Jesus, and repent in tears and humbly turn back to Christ.
You can be content in Him alone. Seek Him alone. He can handle your husband. The more you try to force your husband to do things, the more you destroy your marriage. Rest in God’s love for you. Trust in Christ. He can give you the strength and power to deal with things if your husband sins. And when you are not pressuring and trying to control your husband, amazingly, he is going to be a lot less likely to sin the way you fear he will. Your sin can easily push him into the very sin you fear.
You have a LOT of sin in your own life to deal with right now. If your husband is like mine, he will probably be pretty forgiving, thankfully!
Get into God’s Word. Humble yourself before Him. Allow Him to remove every trace of sin. Submit yourself fully to Him as Lord and trust Him with all these things in your life.
The more your husband feels respected and honored, the more he will care about your feelings. Don’t follow him and scold him for talking to his family first. THANK and APPRECIATE the good things he does. Tell him you are proud of him for being a loving son. Be a SAFE place for him instead of a constant source of negativity, criticisms, lectures and contempt. Smile, Praise the good in him. Beg God to change you into the wife He desires you to be and seek to please God and bless your husband. All the other selfish motives have to go.
Check out “Signs Your Husband May be Feeling Disrespected” at the top of my home page, and the post about disrespect, respect and biblical submission – and what is attractive/unattractive to husbands.
You have come to the right place, my friend! If you are ready to do things God’s way, I am glad to walk on this journey with you.
I’m right here if you have any questions – I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word. 🙂
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Wow. I can hardly find the words! I’m so ashamed.. I didn’t even think to realize how god would be feeling about the way I’ve been acting, I know he probably has been hurting because I’m not crying out to him for this. thinking I could do this all on my own.. I was so wrong. its So good to hear this from someone who has been through these motions to realize what I’ve been causing in my marriage! I didnt even see the signs! Its like a slap in the face. but I’m thank full for it, and for you. helping me wake up to see the true root to my sin, I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about these insecurities iv been having.. & Now I Truly see that it is selfishness, bitterness and idolatry. I have chosen to put god first. I’m putting my foot down in front of the flesh and asking him for my complete undeserving forgivess. I’m going to constantly seek him humbly and choose prayer instead of giving into my selfishness to choose my route. Thank you lord for awesome loving unselfish caring people like you! I bet that you are at peace. Because you have tlchose to put you strength and trust in Jesus as am I from this day on! I receive that in Jesus name! I will be checking out your links as well as gods word to help guide me through this that I realize now that it is the only way. And I am ready for my storm to calm finally! ❤ thank you so much for making room and time for my sin and worry wife to wife god bless you
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Miss L,
How I praise God for what He has done in you this morning!!!!!!!! Woooohoooooo!
This is why I love allowing God to work through me. Brings me happy tears of joy to see God open women’s eyes like this. I didn’t have anyone to show me my sin, and I continued on in this filth for almost 15 years. I don’t want to see any of my sisters in Christ in this kind of bondage to sin and the enemy.
Today, Jesus has removed your shackles, opened your prison door and now we can run together into His glorious light, life, freedom, peace and joy!
This is a long journey. It is the process of sanctification. It is REALLY painful at first to see our sin, but that is the first step. I am right here. You don’t have to do this alone. But as long as you have Jesus, He is truly all you need.
Let me know if anything is confusing or frustrating, and we will hash through it together. 🙂
Sending you the biggest hug my precious sister!!!!! The angels in heaven are rejoicing over you today for repenting and returning to Christ!!!!!
Much love
April
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Miss L,
I would love for you to pray about if I might use these two comments in a post? I believe that God may use your story already to open many other wives’ eyes. 🙂
No pressure! It is fine whatever you feel is best. 🙂
Much love,
April
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Of course you may share! I would be honored in knowing my story could be helping another. ❤
And I also thank you dearly for giving me guidance. I'm so sorry to hear that you had none when you were going through your life changing experience but LOOK AT YOU NOW I couldn't have done the things you have on my own.. You are a strong dependent faithful leader in Christs undying word! And that's why you have this precious opportunity and gift to help these men and women in need. I think its breath taking and humble. And with gods trust and strength we all can be like you someday soon!! My prison door is knocked down and my shackles are far behind me for good! I'm choosing his way of life they way he intended it. Fathom it or not its the only way and I see that now more than ever I can't thank you enough for your encouragement and kindness. The only thing I could ask more is to please please pray for me only because I am surrounded by people who don't know Christ & are very opposed to it. These are hurting people that won't admit it. They have foul mouthes and are my family too now. I have a two year old daughter, crimson. She is my joy and what's brought me here today. God blessed me with her because I couldn't tell you where I'd be if I hadn't had her sent from above. God knew what I needed. My little one listens to everything we say as well.. So please pray with methat god works through them from me to see the good in what Christ has for them! Thank you so much April. It brings tears to my eyes knowing the heavens are rooting for me I'm praising god for his anointing on my life!
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Miss L,
The only good in me is from Jesus. On my own, I am nothing but a wretched, prideful, arrogant, idolatrous, gossiping, people-pleasing, self-righteous, disrespectful, rebellious, stubborn, unforgiving, wicked sinner.
God has done amazing things in my life. Yes. By His power alone. Not by ANYTHING that I have contributed.
It is breath taking and humbling!
Thank you for allowing me to share your story!
I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for you!
Check out “Don’t Expect Outside Support”
I pray for God to finish the good work He has begun in you, my sweet sister! What an important day today is in your life – a new chapter begins!
Much love!
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miss L,
How are things going? I am praying for you, my precious sister! 🙂
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Miss L,
And – I should have said this the other day – I am SO SO SO SO SO sorry for what a difficult time you have had and the pain you have been through these past two years.
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Hi April,
I want to say thank you for your words. I’m not married, so a lot of this doesn’t exactly pertain to me and my boyfriend but I’ve learned a lot about myself this morning reading your blog.
Here’s a little about my story: My boyfriend Jon and I have been together for 10 months now and we started living together in mid January. Our past relationships have not been the healthiest so this is new for both of us. We’ve also both been single for years prior to our relationship so we’re both a little “rusty.” We have a pretty solid foundation. We just click… and I can talk to him about anything. He’s very stable and fun. We go to church and are learning about living a Christian life together. We were both raised in church and have strayed… so we’re learning a lot coming back. He is amazing and I feel so blessed to have him in my life.
Lately it seems though, I’m becoming super demanding for affection from him and I’m trying to figure out why. He wasn’t raised in an affectionate home like I was, and he is not much of a cuddler (as I am) so that’s been a little hard for me to adjust to… but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I think maybe I’m doing the controlling thing because in my past (unhealthy) relationships, getting affection was the only time I felt loved. In the end, I see that I’m not respecting him by doing this and that just pushes him away. I do NOT want to sabotage this relationship out of fear!
We got in a big fight last night and he’s out of town for work until Friday. I’m thinking the timing happened this way so I can work on myself while we have some time apart. God has a reason for this, and I’m so happy He had me stumble across your blog!
Someone on your comments recommended the book Love and Respect which I’ve looked at. This is helpful for me to learn about my faults and how to be a solid Christian woman. However, not everything applies to us as we’re not married.
Do you know of any books about this that aren’t meant for married couples? Any advice?
Thank you so much!
Jackie
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Jackie,
It’s great to meet you!
I’m so excited that you want to build a godly foundation for your relationship! 🙂
I would suggest searching my blog for posts about:
– idolatry
– idols
– insecurity
– security
– I Want to Feel Loved
– Jesus Lord
I also have a blog for single women http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com
Please keep in mind that if you want to put Jesus first and live with Him as Lord, it will mean completely submitting all of yourself to Him, laying everything in your life before Him, holding things loosely in your hands, allowing Him to call the shots. And it will mean being willing to give up any sin as you desire to walk in obedience to Him as Lord. We cannot live with Him as Lord and continue to walk in known sin.
The sins I had to repent of were things like:
– idolatry of myself, of having control, of my husband, of my happiness, of wanting to feel loved (I realized I put all of these things above Christ in my heart).
– bitterness, resentment
– unforgiveness
– PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE – thinking I knew better than my husband, better than everyone, better than God, really
– self-righteousness – I looked down on my husband and others as if I was better than they were
– gossip
– jealousy
– hatred
If you want to build your relationship on Christ, and, even more importantly, you want to build your own life on Christ, then, you will want to either go ahead and get married to your boyfriend ASAP or move out and commit to sexual purity until you marry. Building a relationship on anything but God’s design and His wisdom is sinking sand.
I have heard a number of single women talk about “Lady in Waiting” being a very helpful book for Christian women before marriage.
Much love to you! I am so excited about what God is doing in your life!
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My Husband t for figure new job back to his country during the time we alywas have big arque but always end with sorry and loving chat . but now he not talk to me for 5 days and he sent text to my brother who beg him to call me as im sick he said he decided to end it . but why he never talk to me bout it , he had mention it but after that we seems ok , he was cries in 4 aclock in the morning call me over skype and said how much he sad coz im hurt even he always tried to make me happy , he ever block me from whatapp and skype , but only today i saw him which mean he unblock me , i feel like i want to kill my self which is i try before and he call me and stop me and criesss for it . i dont know what in her mind now , is he realy want to divorce or what
I pack my things we move the things from our rent house as we plan to move to his country . he even call for cargo handling help ,. i dont understand how it works
i text him over skype and whatapp said that if he decided it and lets talk as wife and husband as we still . i said just call me when u have time and u want to , even im so hurt and really bad hurt i just want to know the truth .
Is that really he switch his heart in 3 days? really i dont know what to do now .
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Eva,
Are you ok? If you are thinking of hurting yourself, please reach out for help now!!!!
Do you Have a relationship with Jesus Christ? He can heal your heart, my precious girl!!!!!
What is it your husband is sad about?
He feels he cannot make you happy?
Why are you unhappy?
Much love to you!
April
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This is still the area that I struggle the most! I just crave affection. My husband did too in the beginning of our relationship but now acts like he could take it or leave it. I back away for a while and then he will start to come towards me and be affectionate and then I start smothering again and he shows annoyance.
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DaisyMae,
It can take some time of overshooting one way, then the other, to find the right balance. 🙂
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I too crave affection. I bought two adorable teddy bears. I have 5 pet rabbits. A dog. My husband became jealous of me snuggling with all these things that he now joins in.
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Me,
That is so cute!
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts and convictions. This has helped keep me from making a huge mistake with my husband. I will trust in God, and my marriage.
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Karey,
How wonderful! Thank You, God, that this post has been such a blessing for you. I’m thrilled to hear that you plan to trust God and your marriage and focus on pleasing and honoring Christ. I’m right here if you want to talk!
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Where can I find your other posts…I think it may be my phone that wont show them, because I cant find them????
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Tristan,
Are there other specific posts you are looking for? 🙂
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I think the Lord wants me to read your blog – it keeps coming up, day after day, as the first hit every time I sit down to the computer to search for answers to what’s happening in my marriage.
I don’t want to share too much here, but suffice it to say that my husband no longer loves me, wishes he could divorce me, is in love with another woman and is angry he cannot Biblically have her, and has made it very clear that he is only staying in our relationship for the children.
I recently read Love and Respect and realized my great many errors over the 15 years of our marriage. I desperately want to change, but several months of trying have been fruitless. I know I am the problem, and it hurts deeply.
I wanted to thank you for your open posts and honest writing. It allows me to feel that perhaps I am not so utterly lost and even believe that perhaps there is still hope.
My question today is – when you know that a dreary face and a down-trodden attitude is NEVER going to be attractive to your husband, but you cannot bring yourself to smile and act bubbly, how do you put a smile on and treat your husband with a respectful cheerfulness? I am trying so hard but I have always been so open with my feelings I struggle awfully with hiding them.
(I do know that main answer, of course, is to find my joy in the Lord – and to a degree, I do. When I’m in the Word or in prayer or worship, I feel a great deal of joy. It just doesn’t carry over to when my husband walks in the door – try as I might.)
Thank you in advance for any advice you might have.
E
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E,
It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂 I am SO sorry to hear about what a painful situation you and your husband are in right now. 😦 It sounds like your husband has his own sin issues, as well. You are not responsible for his sin, only for yours. But as you focus on becoming the woman God wants you to be – the floodgates of heaven will open up and pour the power of God into your life and your marriage. If God is going to heal your marriage, and I believe He sure can, then, He may want to start with you. 🙂
I am so excited that you are open to listening to what God wants to share with you. I believe you will find much healing here in Christ.
How is your relationship with Jesus going?
What do you have to have to be happy in this life?
What are your goals and purposes in life?
What are your greatest fears?
The key here is that you have to have the power and Spirit of God overflowing in your soul to be able to extend joy and cheerfulness genuinely.
Check out the prayer today about consecration. That is the goal to aim for! Total devotion and submission to Christ.
Much love to you! And a huge hug. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you. 🙂
Another resource that may be helpful:
Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Keller
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Hi, i found this blog and am seriously lost!.. my husband of 2 yrs has since been emotionally absent and checked out of our marriage and family… i am at a loss i dnt know how to change our situation…at this time we are on trial separation which he has been wanting since 2 weeks ago..im devastated, hurt and think that all hope is lost..pls help me..i want to save my marriage! I trully love him, but i feel he has found someone new..i am hoping to be wrong on this.
Thank you.
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M,
It is great to meet you! I believe you are in the right place.
What is your relationship with Christ?
Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?
Please check out this post – and the ones at the bottom of it, and then we can go from there!
Jesus IS able to heal you, my precious girl! And He may heal your marriage, too. If He is going to do that, He will start by radically changing you first. 🙂
Much love!
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M, be encouraged that God can heal your marriage. We too were at a dark place around our second year of marriage. Separated, emotionally distant etc. I could not believe it. It was over in my mind. I couldn’t change him. God miraculously saved our marriage and we are stronger than ever now (married almost 5 yrs now). My husbands priorities were work at that time and my priorities were controlling and redirecting his priorities. While I still deal with insecurity from time to time I can say that my husband is now a very healthy opposite and his family comes first. This was an act of God. Not me! I tried so hard to change him the first two years that he pulled away. When this realization came to me I set back and was made aware that I had to change. I don’t know your circumstances. But I will be praying for you. Please reach out if I can help.
Liz
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Take it to the alter again and again. Keep asking Jesus to take this situation from you because you are helpless and do not know what to do. If there are children, love them with gusto and fill the spaces minding their well being. God will take care of the rest.
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Why didn’t I read this before I texted my husband to reprimand him for not making sure I was feeling better before he left for fishing this morning? I was so hurt that he was so excited about this trip that he didn’t seem to care about me enough, when I was up all night ill. All About me again. Quite a convicting post and very Re-eye opening. Feel like I daily need these reminders. I hate being the controlling wife. I want more than anything to just “not care” about things so much. To not be overly sensitive and make him feel like he has to choose his words and actions perfectly to please me. Ugh. What a battle.
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Liz,
Yes, it is a battle. I had to read reminders daily for years to get all of this through my head!!! :). And now, I write about it daily, so it definitely stays very fresh in my mind. That is a blessing!
Maybe next time you can tell him you hope he has a great time?
Maybe tonight you can ask him to tell you all about it and apologize for any wrong attitude you had and enjoy hearing about his trip?
I hope you feel better soon!! 🙂
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Geez I feel like a failure this weekend! I am a great wife (ha!) until my insecurities flare up. I am so tired of giving into them but do not know how to stop my feeling. I cannot hold them back from my husband. I want to swallow them and just trust…him and God. It’s like I’m in a battle with myself to follow and trust. Almost feels like I physically and mentally cannot hold back my feelings. I could use prayer. Pray that I would trust my husband and show it better. Many times my answer is that I do trust him I just don’t trust other women. It is such a battle for me. Prayers are appreciated.
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I think I understand the basic concept here and it certainly is a valid point and one that is not going to be heard or seen unless you are listening to a sermon or teaching.
However what I keep banging up against is the simple fact that my husband just doesn’t need as much contact or affection as I do. If I don’t nudge him in some way, he easily forgets or just doesn’t realize that I am unhappy and it is for a valid reason. He tends to think that I ought to feel like or think like him and if he is comfortable in the relationship I should be too.
Yes, he does tend to take any nudges as negative and as criticism but if I say and do nothing I feel I am setting myself up for an emotional meltdown when I just get plain old worn out and feel ignored.
What is an acceptable way to communicate a female need to my husband? I find it almost impossible to be interested in getting physical with him when he has been distant with me and I also find that what I think of as being distant he sees as perfectly normal and acceptable.
What is a good way to handle this?
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PamW,
It’s totally fine to ask for what you need – generally with a pleasant tone of voice, a smile and no pressure. Usually, as husbands feel more and more respected over time, they begin to care a lot more about their wives’ needs and feelings. I have a Youtube video about How to Ask Your Husband for Things So He Wants to Say Yes. My channel is “April Cassidy.”
If he is open to reading a book – which many men are not, and that is ok – you could each read Shaunti and Jeff Feldhan’s books “For Men Only” and “For Women Only.” Those books help us understand the other gender so much better!
If he wants to be physical and you don’t feel connected enough, you can say, “I would LOVE to have sex with you. I need to feel a bit more emotionally connected first, could we talk and cuddle for about 30 minutes first, please? Then I’m all yours!”
Much love!
April
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The type of wife this post describes is common – I’ve been her before. I found a book that helped me understand my love style immensely – it’s How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. The book helped make my marriage issues less personal, once I understood that we have different ways of connecting. Highly recommended!
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Grace,
Thank you so much! That sounds very interesting. 🙂 Yes, MANY, MANY wives struggle with this exact same battle.
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I don’t consider myself a religious person honestly but I came across this and I am in tears. I think I finally understand why my husband is pushing me away. It is NOT going to be easy, but I now know that the one thing I have been unable to do is the one thing I HAVE to do in order to save my marriage. Here’s hoping I’m not too late, and thank you for your honest and straight forward words. You may have just saved a marriage and kept a family together.
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Katie,
When we make our husband the most important thing in our life – an “idol” – the last thing we want to do is let go of that. We want him to be responsible for our happiness and to make us feel loved the way we want him to and to feel romance. It is almost universal today that wives make their husbands, feeling loved, being happy and romance into idols – things that are more important to us than God.
God is able to give you the power to tear out this idol. The only way I know to do it is through building our lives on Christ and finding our love, acceptance, worth, identity, peace, strength, courage, purpose and power in Him.
I am so excited about what God is showing you – and I am always glad to hear from you and walk beside you on this journey!
Much love, sweet friend!
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I am a man (of course) and have been counselor, pastor, etc. You say you have no wisdom, I disagree strongly. I think simply by what I have read here that perhaps even one day your wisdom will define you. It is a gift from Almighty.
This blog I just read ia extremely on the money and will bring fresh insight to most who read it…..even men, who while reading it will think, “Yeah, that makes sense. That’s why I’m like that.”
It will simply click for them since they probably have never given any thought as to why they are getting upset or r frustrated with there wives approach, or even feel repelled by it at times. Its not that we don’t want to love our wives openly, but its got to be on our own terms, or our own heart and even our own creativity. I know with my wife, who has come leaps and bounds over the years, that there were specific times when I was just going into the kitchen to give her a huge embrace from behind while she was doing dishes and before I even had a chance to she would start complaining that I don’t hug her anymore. That blew it for me. I simply left the room and was keeping a purposeful amount of distance until I got my
head rewired after a few moments.
Anyway. Be encouraged. You are doing a greatly need thing here. Hearing it from a pastor or counselor doesn’t quite hit home like it does coming from a simple and humble wife with her own shortcomings. 🙂
Be blessed,
Trev
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Trev,
Thank you so much for sharing!
I wonder if I might share some of your comment on today’s post, please?
Thank you!
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Trev,Aprils blog changed my life and saved my marriage. I was going to leave less than a year ago. What a huge wound that would have caused us and our kids. Hard to believe it was all my ungodly attitude causeing my misery.
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Marie,
That was totally a God thing! I am so thankful for all He has done in you! 🙂
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Im 23 years old, my partner and i hace been together 5 years and have had 3 babies together. He has proposed and i of course accepted. But now i feel like everything is jyst an oblifation. He says he loves me and hes loyal but we dont have any true emotional bonds. I tell him how if eel and he automatically gets frustrated and shuts down. I can cry and he acta like he doesnt know. He says he cant be himself that he feels pressured. Im not sure if this is going to work,
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Stephanie,
It is wonderful to meet you!
Congratulations on your engagement. 🙂
What is your relationship with Christ?
What is his relationship with Christ?
I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page to help you discover the mysterious world of how men think – the posts about disrespect and respect are especially good places to start.
It is possible that the approach may be the main issue.
Much love to you!
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wow this is really helpful. exactly what I have been doing and was wondering why my husband withdraws so much from me. thanks a lot.
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Shiwe,
I am so glad this was helpful for you :). I can’t what to see what God is about to do in your life.
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Good morning, what a beautiful message you are sending out! The Lord lead me to see this … it is a confirmation for what He has been reminding me of lately. I sooo agree with you! Years ago, my husband left for work one morning … I was so sad because I’m a stay home mom, and I knew when he left I wouldn’t be able to talk to him all day. I needed so much more from him, like friendship, communication. As I cried so hard the Lord said, in my heart, “Let Me be your husband” I want to talk with you … He had already showed me that He was my Father and fulfilled that need GREATLY! Now He was saying, Let Me be your husband too! I started reading His Word, like the Love Letter it is to me, and I talked and listened … I allowed myself to be Ruth with Boaz, my Redeemer! I believed I was sooo wanted, so desired, so welcome, so longed for, so enjoyed … I let Jesus be my husband! I didn’t neglect or disrespect my natural husband, I just had found fulfillment in my forever, familiar Friend!!! My natural husband had to come outside to find me … I’d be gazing at the stars for hours while he watched sports. In the winter he would look for me in my office where he’d hear love songs … love for Jesus songs. My husband started wanting to go with me to shop, to eat out, etc. I didn’t need that anymore and it was so obvious … I try to enjoy what I once thought I couldn’t live without. I am fulfilled, sooo wanted by Jesus minded that I have allowed my natural husband to take of me only what he wants. Remember that country song, “She Looks so Good in Love” ? I know I glow … I have found the love of my life and I’m sooo wanted!!! I have a happy husband and I am a joyful wife and mother of children! Who makes me so fulfilled? The One that wants me like no one else is even able!!! Thank you for letting me share back with you, Peacefulwife! You have a very beautiful message! Thank you for your tender, caring heart!
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Debbie,
How wonderful to hear how you are finding contentment and joy in Christ! I praise God for what He is doing in your life! Thank you for sharing and you are always welcome here and welcome to share all that you are learning. 🙂
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Hi – I’m neither Christian or a woman but a loving husband. I’ve found this after searching the internet about the whole distancer and pursuer position. My wife and I are in the same scenario at the moment where I am the pursuer constantly seeking the things you mentioned above. I’m trying to be patient but it is SO hard, I hang on every word or smile hoping that it will improve – I feel incredibly sad and down but am trying to stay patient. The late evenings and early mornings are the most difficult as all I want is a kiss or hug. I work part time for myself which causes me to be isolated and my wife is full time this changed a year ago and has placed lots of pressure on my wife: I’m trying to understand her and want to wait; I know this means giving space(this is what she asked for) and she has told me she still loves me.
Thank you fort writing this post as it gives me more strength to be patient.
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James,
It is very hard to desire affection and be told to give space.
I’m glad that this post was helpful for you. I pray for God’s wisdom, peace and joy for you and for healing for your heart.
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My husbands lack of affection and passion has caused such an extreme amount of suffering in me for many years. I have 2 options since talking to him, counseling and constantly working to be a respectful wife has thus far failed. 1. I end the marriage therefore ending the pain 2. I destroy the intensity of my need therefore being satisfied with an otherwise wonderful husband.
I will be honest, I have tried for years to change me because I know I can’t change him, but I have failed every time. Could I just be geared for this? Is it really so wrong to demand something so right? I want to do this because divorce would devastate our children, but how? And why does the thought of letting go make me so angry?
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Barbara,
How my heart breaks for you. I can definitely feel the pain in your words. 😦
I believe there is another option you haven’t seen.
How is your relationship with Christ going?
With love,
April
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Ten years ago was the first time I tried to put to death my insatiable need for affection and attention and passion and let go of my expectations of him in that. He truly is a good man and a good husband every other way. I have tried dozens of times and have failed miserably. Truthfully, I am suffering from this in a way so grand that I am embarrassed to tell anyone. I am so lonely and feel so rejected, it literally tears me up inside! When I am not trying to change me, I am trying a thousand ways to get him to meet my needs. I have to say though, that I am careful. I taught a class on love and respect to 16 wives! I never raised my voice, belittled or demanded. I would reason, share, cry. But I got to the point where I brought it up at least once a week! I couldn’t keep silent because I was so desperate to be free from the pain and I knew my husband held the key. The key was in a kiss now and then, words, passionate initiation of intimacy instead of the common “You in the mood?”, a compliment here and there… ANYTHING !! Instead, he would either tell me my needs are storybook like, unreasonable. Until… He committed adultery and I left him. For God and the children, I came back to try to save the marriage. For one year, he met every need. For one year, I knew love. For one year our marriage had emotional connection even though healing was horrible 😦 Then, our child was born and he ripped his love away from me again. He is capable, I saw it. My self esteem took a massive fall. For the last year, I can’t talk about affection and such without him becoming defensive and us getting farther apart. I have begun to think of divorce because I don’t know how to live with such a cold man. He says the other things he does should be enough. I can’t make it be enough. How do I do this? I’m angry that he would withhold small things and put me in the position of painfully trying to let go. I’m trying but I am growing resentful. I don’t have the right heart here and I don’t know if what you wrote is possible? What about love languages? Could it be that someone like me cannot be happy in a marriage with out passion? I can’t divorce him, our 5 children will suffer. But I can’t stay with the way things are, I am dying inside and physically affected as well. Please help me understand, where has the enemy deceived me?
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Barbara,
Goodness, it sounds so difficult. 😦
What is your relationship with Christ like lately?
With love
April
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Dear April,
It’s much better now, although i will honestly say that I am lacking in passion myself for Christ. The last 2 years have been the most difficult in my life. First, my husbands infidelity was unexpected and devastating and we stepped down as leaders at out church. Our church family began to treat my husband differently and things got very uncomfortable and when my husband reached out for help for the first time ever, no one returns his calls. We were shocked. Our teenage children begged us to find another church, so eventually we did but we are uninvolved. 3 months later I became my fathers caretaker, 3 months later I became pregnant which brought such joy because we had tried for years. 6 months later I began dealing with horrible migraines and body pain and had to go on bed rest. Gave birth to an amazing baby boy, but launched a fibromyalgia flare up and an arthritis flare up. We have always served others but when I developed PPD, I reached out for small assistance and no one had time. My father died 6 months later. It was difficult, but not how you’d think. He was a terrible man, abusive and was involved in witchcraft. I spent months trying to get him to renounce those things, but he didn’t. And he continued to reject me until his death. I tried to make peace with him, but he didn’t want it so I just had to have peace with the fact that I did what God asked me too. Now we are 6 months after and I know I struggled with depression on and off the last two years and last month I realized that I was angry with God because I felt abandoned by him. I’m still disciplined in my faith, I am still blessed by small blessing. I can still hear that still small voice. But, something is missing. I am not sure what to do, so I pray. I think I am having rejection issues maybe. From my father, my husband and maybe God? I’m not sure. Right now I can barely walk without extreme pain and have no choice but to take daily pain medication. I pray constantly for healing, but my body gets worse. Just as I write this, my face is numb from a complex migraine and I can feel my back muscles spasming. I guess with God, I feel abandoned, unsure what else I can do. And honestly, I am exhausted. I have just enough strength that I am proud to say that I am a good mom and wife. I determine every day not to allow my pain to keep me in bed. But I will confess that even through ALL that, nothing has hurt me more than not being sure of my husbands love. I truly and honestly love him deeply. I’m sorry for such a winded response. I didn’t know the answer so I was trying to find the answer by writing down the truth as I see it. I still don’t know the answer lol. I will end with this… My husband and I hardly ever argue and we are good friends. It’s a shame how unhappy I get depending on how my husband treats me. I want to stop making my husband an idol, but I don’t know how. I’m embarrassed by how dysfunctional this post sounds, I have never been a weak and weepy woman. I just can’t get passed this. I want to FEEL my husbands love and somehow it has taken over my life. Please be honest with me, don’t sugar coat 🙂 I’m an honest person and I respect and respond to the same. I need a huge dose of truth so that I know where to direct my focus.
With love, Barbara
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Barbara,
My sweet sister! How I wish I could hug your neck!!!!!!!!
I hope you might search my blog at my home page for:
– idol
– idolatry
– lead
– leader
– discontentment
– contentment
– insecurity
– security
– expectations
– stages of this journey
You have had quite a difficult 2 years to be sure. It sounds to me like your family has been under spiritual attack.
What does your husband say that he needs? How is his walk with Christ at this point?
Is it possible for you to seek godly counsel elsewhere since your church has not been able to support you :(.
I would also encourage you to listen to as many David Platt sermons as possible at http://www.radical.net or on Youtube.
http://youtu.be/eUV-gxg4Ax4 – this one is about finding REST in Christ
I would also suggest:
– biblical manhood and womanhood
– the cross and suffering
– angels, demons and spiritual warfare
– who is God?
– finding God’s will for your life
You CAN ABSOLUTELY find peace in Christ alone no matter what your husband does or does not do. You can lay down your expectations of your husband and look to Christ to find your purpose, peace, love, joy, fulfillment, acceptance, hope, power and identity.
It may be a matter of examining every motive and desire in your heart, removing the ones that are not based on Scripture and any ungodliness and then rebuilding from scratch on Christ alone and His Word. That is what I had to do, for sure.
You are responsible for your own happiness. Your husband is not responsible for your emotions or your spiritual growth. That responsibility belongs to you. You can reclaim that and stop expecting your husband to be responsible to “make you happy” and focus on finding all of your joy in Christ. It is hard. It is painful to die to self and scary at first to fully submit to Christ – but that is the way to peace, joy and overwhelmingly abundant life.
I am excited about what God desires to do in your life, my sweet friend!
Much love!
April
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Hello ladies, I’m heart broken and confused, I have found escort services numbers on our phone bills and have confronted my husband, he does this thing where at the beginning he’s upset at me then tells me that it wasn’t him, then tells me that we must try to make our relationship better. We’ve been together for 7 years and married for 2. I have prayed to God for guidance, because I am a control freak and I need to come down from all the pride and resentment that is in my heart. My father was verbally abusive with my mother, and some of that abuse rubbed up on me too. I’ve tried to get my husband to go to church with me or have a men’s church fellowship, but it is useless. He also has a problem dealing with alcohol, is not really an addiction because he doesn’t drink everyday but when he does, he gets too drunk and often gets caught doing bad things, like urinating in the streets, crashing our car, stuff like that. At this point I’m so confused, and scared, if he’s cheating on me he might bring another disease into our home. I know my demanding and controlling attitude has attributed to the damage in our marriage, but I’ve started praying for God’s hands to come into our marriage and work on both of us. However I’m not sure if it is even healthy for me to stick around if he doesn’t even fear God?? I love him and I’m so afraid of losing him that I think i have become a sponge just taking everything he does and accepting it by not turning away and break off once and for all. He knows I love him and takes advantage of it. Please advise!!! God Bless.
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Roxy,
Goodness. 😦
If he is calling escort services and has a significant alcohol problem – which he does, from what you have shared – please seek godly, biblical counsel. I believe you may need outside help here. The Salvation Army has programs to help people with alcoholism. AA, of course, may help. And you can contact Al-Anon for resources for you.
It is NOT ok for a husband to contact an escort service. It is not ok to get drunk and crash the car.
God is able to heal and transform even the most broken marriages. Thankfully!
Check out my video about what causes women to become controlling. You can not change your husband. But you can work on yourself and get yourself straight with God, and God can give you wisdom and power to know how to handle this difficult situation. But you still may need some outside assistance, as well.
You are welcome here. I don’t write specifically for wives in these kinds of extreme circumstances, but if you want to focus on yourself and your walk with Christ, I do believe you can find a lot of help and hope here.
Much love!
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Thanks so much, God bless.
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This really motivates me a lot as I might be doing some of the above, in regards to our communication pattern, but if am correct, I must say I need to be more, calm, relaxed, patient, and more trustworthy towards my husband, I believe in God and all things are possible with him, he knows what’s best for us. I would love for you to contact me so I can relate to you. Thanks very much for your post.
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Ferneita,
I am praying for God’s wisdom for you!
How is your walk with Christ going? 🙂
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Hi this
Im a Christian, can relate to a lot of whats spoken of here, when my husband and I met, i got saved first, he got saved 10 years later, only because God said I had to let go and trust him with the relationship, when i did that he got saved, but it still wasnt easy, as i also thoughgt I was the perfect christian wife, but when i went to bible college, it was like God had to operate on my mind, i was pushing him away with me wanting to happy and look to him for happiness, when God said, you need to fall in love with me, you cant change your husband, you got to change YOU! after 15 years of being a Christian i finally got it, i saw the change in him when i started changing, we have been together 20 years married for 12years, but marriage is hard work and now God has restored my marriage, my husband is now encouraging me and loves reading His Word, he’s a man of very few words, but I had to learn the hard way, and had to repent, and i never thought I would see the day, he would completely fall in love with JESUS, I was always the one that was involved in church, and ministry, and went to Bible college for three years, and yet God is teaching him the Word, and revealing himself to my husband in our own living room, thats my husbands classroom. I was just getting in the way, yet im so blessed everyday, that my husband now is learning by the power the Holy Spirit, ive seend God move in his life like he is a man that God Favors and now he’s impacting our community with his gifts and talents, he’s showing me up big time! but his background was in drugs, you name it now he preaches to me! wouldnt have it any other way, Be encouraged ladies, Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be ADDED to you!
Pray for your husband, speak life over him, always believe the best, seek wise counselling, Sometimes we make mistakes in the partners that we seek and end up marrying them when they werent chosen from God. If your in that situation only God can reveal to you what you need to do and he can set you on a path back to life know that we make mistakes but God doesnt. God bless
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Lole,
WOW!
Thank you so much for sharing! Would you please allow me to share this on my PW FB page? I LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing God working in people’s lives. This is beautiful and powerful. THANK YOU!
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I. NEEDED. THIS. I’m am going through this right now with my husband! I have been so broken over it and after praying about it I stumbled across this post. I am now going to change my controlling ways and purely focus on Christ.
I just have one last problem, how can I get my husband into church more? He was pretty much brought up in church but for a few years now he doesn’t go. If I say something to him about it he gets offended like I’m judging him but I’m not. His relationship and openness with God is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. Any suggestions?
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Taelynn,
It is great to meet you!
You can’t really force him to go or “get him” to go. I Peter 3:1-6 is your assignment from God in such a situation.
Is there a church he likes, go with him to that one. Let him choose the church. Does he have a relationship with Christ?
You can search the following terms on my home page and read the posts, I think they will help you a lot in this issue!
– leader
– lead
– husband is not a good spiritual leader
– husband won’t lead
– husband pray
– husband spiritual
– when I shut up my husband heard God
Let me know if that helps or if you need more info!
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Thank you for replying! Here lately, it just seems like I annoy him so I try to limit interaction with him unless he initiates it. I’ve read a couple of the posts you suggested and they are very helpful! I’m just gonna pray and continue to give my marriage to God.
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Taelynn,
Fewer words are probably better right now if he has been feeling controlled or smothered or you came across as very needy before.
Your plan is the best one there is. Pray. Trust Christ. Allow Him to transform you. Focus on Him.
Much love!
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Well tonight at dinner I discovered my husband feels held back by me , he runs his own business and works on average 13 hours a day . We have been married 5 years and have our first baby on the way in September . My husband feels he should be doing more entertaining of clients and travelling but because he knows I won’t like it he doesn’t do it. I know I am domineering and controlling at times and really need to deal with that but I don’t know how to step back without closing myself off to avoid feeling hurt , at the moment I feel like the only way to protect my feelings is to back away from him and not give as much as I do but I want to as he is my husband and I love him. When he goes out I can’t help feeling resentful . He also has a 15 year old son and he himself comes from a large family and I’m not good at sharing , do I start doing more on my own and back away ? That would upset me as I feel marriage is meant to be a partnership.
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Liz,
I can definitely understand that the idea of backing off feels scary and very painful.
What are your current expectations?
How much entertaining and business traveling does he want to do or feel that he needs to do?
How do you respond to him when he leaves?
How do you expect him to respond to your resentment and bitterness?
What are your greatest fears?
How is your relationship with Christ going?
Much love to you!
April
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I am willing to start this new journey with God and my husband. Here’s a little background story: My husband and i got married young. I was 18 and he Was 21. We only have been married for a year and a half and things are downhill. WE both put our focus elsewhere and Christ was put out of our marriage. Now all we do is argue and I’m constantly finding out things that my husband has been doing. Like texting other females, and watching porn, and having lustful dreams of other women also. He had been very distant in my pregnancy. (I’m 37 weeks now) I noticed now after reading this post that I have put my husband up to higher standards where Christ should be. I will start to pursue Christ way more and my husband less. My fear is that he will continue to be distant and eventually he’ll cheat or leave. But I’m trusting God in what ever plans he has for me.
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WillingToTry,
I am so sorry to hear about how very painful things have been in your marriage. 😦 How I pray God will draw you each to Himself. You may want to look at the posts under the category
“win him without a word” on the right side of my home page. And, “respecting a husband who isn’t a believer.” I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s command for wives in a situation like this. You cannot argue, verbally drag, preach, criticize or lecture your husband to God. But he will notice a genuinely respectful attitude and the fruit of God’s Spirit in your life if he is able to hear anything. (Galatians 5:22-23). If he is cheating on you, or the pornography addiction is serious or he is very inappropriately involved with other women, I would encourage you to pray for and seek godly, wise, biblical counsel.
Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!
Much love,
April
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after reading your article… some of my questions were answered about the attitude of my husband today… we were married for 15yrs. and 2yrs. ago he had an affair… and i was very hurt & devastated….he admitted it to me and told me he does not want our marriage to be broken and still loves me… since then i changed…i always doubt him, become more demanding and very emotional…. and this year my husband has become distant to me.. i asked him if he still loves me…he just answerd that i think too much and im irritating him… and now im afraid he does not love me anymore….
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Lorelie,
It is great to meet you!!
I am so sorry for the pain you and your husband have both been in for so long. 😦 I wish I could hug your neck!
I have seen God heal hundreds of marriages here. He is able to restore and heal. My primary concern is for your spiritual walk. How is your relationship with Christ? Does your husband have a relationship with Him?
If you are willing to do things God’s way and seek Him with all your heart and learn to honor His design for marriage and becoming a godly woman by his power working in you, He can heal your broken heart and are you free from the fear, anxiety, worry and desire to control your husband. He can fill you with His peace, joy, power, acceptance, love, grace, mercy and abundant spiritual life.
I am praying for you! I can’t wait to see all that God has in store! I hope you will look around. I believe you will find help in Christ here.
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I really enjoyed your post! My goodness your list is exactly mine and what I need to start practicing! It’s funny when I do practice it for example not being verbal as much and not updating him about kids and me after dr.!! Or the biggest one I Agree with is giving him space! I find my husband does come to me more. And also noticing when he does do something is big!
Long story short you are right when you say men are constant in their love and we are so ahead in so many ways that we always thrive for more because that is what is expected of us! So innately as we care for our children and our selves we tend to gravitate to do it to our husbands as well! Instead of feeling that demand we DO need to take a step back and allow one person in our life which is our husband to care for us and themselves. By doing that we have given the opportunity for leadership! We may lead in a other things Allah gave us the power to do! But need to give a little more to the man since he has roles demanded on him we tend to ignore!
I come from a Muslim faith and agree with all you said! We are all one and fear the higher being! And your right should look to Allah for guidance and wisdom then our husband.
Respectfully
Nadin
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I am just starting this process:) we have been married for 14 years! We have six kids! He was my best friend and I believed we were great!! Until the day he told me he didn’t like me anymore and ever since has been disrepecful and hard to get along with! He is the the same person I married! He is a stranger!! I am hoping this works for myself and my kids! It’s just hard not being able to call on my best friend when I really need him
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Sounds like you have an emotionally distant husband. There is nothing you can do to fix or cure this situation. This sounds harsh and it can feel worse. You probably expected marriage to halve the burdens of life but it really just doubled them, and if one is weak the entire burden can fall on the other. Like a cart with a broken wheel, the other wheels may continue to move the cart but only in circles.It sounds like he is emotionally stunted which is like an amputated leg and you cannot fix a missing leg. I have begged God to remove my desire for my husband because my husband just cannot respond in a emotionally connecting way but God has not granted my request. It feels like being acutely hungry all the time without any availability of food. Just know that if God wanted you to have something you would have it. You do not need your husband’s love, it would be nice to have, the icing on the cake of your life, but NOT a requirement to live. If God doesn’t believe you need to have your husband’s love, who are you to argue with God? Focus on your own “stuff” and do not expect anything from your husband. Get a life, essentially without him, and cultivate female friendships that can provide the communication and love you desire. Put your mind to something else but do not neglect your vows. You are still responsible for what you promised to God even if you do not believe your husband is meeting his vows. Respect your husband, honor your husband, and love your husband and rely on God in all things. Forgive so that you may be forgiven. Do not be a doormat. Your vows do not require doormat status. Figure out what your limits are to stay healthy and what is required to maintain a gentle and quiet spirit as God requires, and stay within those limits, even your husband cannot require you to sin. Either your husband will accept the new God honoring you and come along for the ride or he will divorce you.
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Corrine,
Thank you so much for reaching out to the wife who wrote this post. 🙂
She and her husband are doing much, much better now – last I heard, but she did have to give up her expectations and decide to trust God and depend on Him instead of her husband to find contentment. He is now a lot more attentive. You may search my home page for “fellow wife” for other posts by this wife, if you would like to.
I am not sure that the author is online right now. She has been taking an Internet break for awhile.
I am sure that God will use your comment to bless many. I love what God has shown you!
Much love!
April
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I have read this post many times since my husband and I have been going through something for about 4 years. But we never really got down to the core of the issue, till now about a week ago. My husband and I have had issues with intimacy for about 4 years but we could never really figure out why. We would have discussions of it, but would end in a bad discussion, resulting in less intimacy. In reading this blog, I have learned about what it is to respect your husband. Slowly it started to sink in until I finally read and realized that my disrespect has affected his desire for me. To the point he now he says he is no longer attracted to me sexually or desires me. I had apologized for my actions and made a decision to be respectful. We have allowed each other some space, but I have backed off to work on myself. I am still respectful towards him and we talk, but I no longer initiate things and have stopped pursuing him. I picked up the book Love & Respect and that is what I am reading now. I have also started The Respect Dare here on your blog. As of yesterday and this morning I have realized the deepest issue of all this is that I made my husband an idol in which started the whole domino effect of disrespect towards him. Add insult to injury, my childhood didn’t help much either. I realized that everything I want in my marriage, what I want for myself, everything everything I have to give that up. I have to be willing to die to self no matter what happens in my marriage. Basically, I have to learn how to trust God of his power. It’s so weird but I feel a sense of peace just letting go. This situation hurts at times and I pray my marriage is restored but I have to let it go. I can’t continue to be disappointed or hurt based off of my husband’s actions. I have been working on myself more; working out, looking my best, reading, going to church alone and many other things for me, not for my husband. I think he starting to take notice but I think it’s still too early in the game to tell. I understand that 4 years of issues won’t be resolved in a week or 2 or month! But I am learning to let it go to God and continue to work on myself. I am about to be 27 years old and I feel like I am finally becoming a woman, or the woman I want to be or should be with God’s help. I have realized all I have done and I have work to do. As much as I hate to sometimes, but I know I need to put in the effort. April, this blog has been the start of changing my life and I am forever grateful for this. Please know what you are doing is helping many women. Thank you so much and God bless!!
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Katherine,
I am so excited about what you are learning and what God is doing in your life! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!! Please let me know how you are doing.
Much love!
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{heavy sigh} wow. my story started six years ago…actually the root of my story starts from when i was young..low self esteem. now, i loved my husband but my self esteem about my body wouldnt let him be intimate with me very often. So, as a result, he would come home very angry..yelling at minor things and overall was just extremely irritated. it got to the point where i was not feeling loved anymore, i felt alone..so i sought attention elsewhere, online chatting but never was intimate with the person. I know what i did was wrong and accepted whatever words my husband had for me. after all was said and done, he did and still loved me. fast forward…things got better, i fell back in love with him, we’ve been thru tough times over the years but i stuck with him. yes, i still thought about what i did..and would feel horrible for putting him thru that mess and vowed i wouldnt ever be that person again. The past year or two, my insecurities reared their ugly face again, so much so i would make fun of myself, or i wouldnt accept his compliments when he would give then and began to not let him touch me again. a few months ago i notice a change in my husband. he grew distant, he was out til 12-1a almost every night, crashed out at his friends house at least 7-8 differnt weekends. Then, he dropped the bomb on me….he brought up the past. now i know thats is something we can never forget, but i thought he had forgiven me. he said he swallowed it down but never got off his chest things he wanted to tell me…he mentioned the lack of intimacy on my part which brought up insecurities for him. he walked around thinking i didnt desire or love him again, when it is not at all how i feel. i tried to make him understand the way i felt about myself has hindered us, i know that. but he wont see it that way because he only thinks about the past. its gotten to the point where he doesnt show me affection, so i get frustrated which turns into sarcastic remarks and arguements on my part and trying to tell him i miss the things he used to do. along the line ive realized that ive turned into that nagging wife…something i never wanted to be. this article affirmed the things im doing wrong and things i KNOW i should be doing. one of them, most importantly, is to be patient. i did mention to him that im not strong enough to go thru this and i could make it easy for him to leave if he wanted to by letting him go..(i know i know, bad 😦 SO my fear is if im quiet, will he take that as me being uncaring and cold and really leave because of it? its hard becase i love him so much but i dont get that love back… at all. he doesnt even smile when hes home, we have three kids and theyve notice a change in dad too. we, or i, have tried to talk about whats happened, and ive apologized several times about the past but it feels like he doesnt want to try and work past it. its like hes stuck. i havent been to church in years, but i think thats gonna change. i need alot of prayer and strength and patience to get thru this difficult time. because i am at a loss as to what to do anymore. this is just a nutshell of what ive been going thru lately. i dont have any friends to talk to and im in the process of looking for work to keep my mind occupied.
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Katt,
Goodness! How I wish I could hug your neck!
What is your relationship with Christ, my dear girl?
I hope you might search my home page for some topics:
– insecurity
– security
– discontentment
– contentment
– a husband’s pain, his wife’s body image issues
– (My youtube channel, “April Cassidy” – withholding sex video)
– idol
– idolatry
And, I hope you will read the post about “signs your husband may be feeling disrespected” at the top of my home page.
Are you willing to find all of your contentment, identity, purpose, joy and fulfillment in Christ and to stop listening to the lies of the enemy and stop looking to your husband to make you whole?
Are you willing to yield yourself joyfully to your husband sexually and to accept his compliments and graciously receive the gift of his attraction and desire for you?
You may need a godly mentoring wife to help you through these issues. But God is able to heal!!!!
Much love to you!
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i actually have a more positive outlook on myself and am not hesitant about being intimate whenever he decides to be. however i have to addd i have a new insecurity. i came across a picture of my husband cheek to cheek with another woman on his phone along with the words “love you. sweet dreams.” he dismissed it saying that she is his friends sister and has known her for 20 yrs. now, i want to believe him but at the same time, seeing how distant he has gotten coupled with this pic why would this woman say something like this, im feeling very uneasy about it all. and on top of it, she is under his friends contact name
he has told her we were having issues but doesnt go into details. So this other woman knows were having problems which makes me uncomfortable 😦 i wouldnt care so much about him having a female friend but he has never mentioned her to me over the years but claims he has introduced us a couple of times(i have no idea when, and if he did, i might have thought she was just someone he knew thru work or whatever)
every day, when i wake, shes the first thing i think about. im wondering every day if hes txting her, if he goes and sees her, what they talk about. if anything is or has happend, i know he would never say anything. but i pray it is just my imagination playing tricks on me. i did mention to him that he can easily have conversations with her but when hes home he has nothing to tallk about with me. it hurts. i did say i wished i WAS one of his friends because then i could see the happy side of him.
i was thinking that i havent done anything this time around for him to be acting cold towards me, aside from earlier in the year and my low self esteem which ive overcome. but, i feel like im paying for the past all over again and that hurts. im at the point that im apologizing all the time it seems and sometimes i honestly dont know for what exactly 😥 i brought up the lack of affection the other day, and in the convo he mentioned that he couldnt force me to love him back then, which tells me that he doesn love me right now. also, i feel like hes thinking that im in no position to tell him im hurting since i put him thru that pain years ago. my feelings dont count. so my backs against the wall. im trying to be paitent, i’ll try not to force him to talk about his feelings, and i’ll try and not get hurt by his lack of love. but it is hard. i literally get NOTHING, not even a quick peck when he leaves the house. im at the brink of giving up.
yes ive read the signs your husband may be feeling disrespected” article and it was enlightening….
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Katt,
Goodness. 😦 if you believe he may be being unfaithful, you may need to seek help from a trusted pastor or godly mentoring wife or biblical Christian counselor.
How is your walk with Christ going right now?
Where are you spiritually?
What are your greatest fears?
What do you have to have to be happy in life?
Much love!
April
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I have been with my husband for 32 years, and love him very much. We are both self employed which means we spend a lot of time together. He really is a great guy that has always loved and provided for his family. I have always felt second in his life because he has always put his parents and our children before me. It was so bad when our children were young, that my daughter would go to him about me, and he would side with her. To the point of almost a divorce. I came from a broken home, with 4 siblings and very little love. So I know that is something I desire more than anything. I jump and do whatever he needs. I go out of my way to include him. I’m 51 and tired of not getting the love and respect. Don’t get me wrong, he’s very good to me, and loves me. What really gets me is when I see him be so much more giving and loving to others. I’m working on focusing on me, I just don’t know how. Am I suppose to do things by myself, even if I know he’s not happy about it. Are there any books out there that you can recommend?
Sincerely, Theresa
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Theresa,
It is wonderful to meet you! Being self employed and together so much can be quite a strain on any marriage. And healing from a broken home in your own childhood can require quite a lot of help, God’s Spirit, prayer and painful growth.
What was your parents’ relationship like?
What was your husbands’ parents marriage like?
What is your walk with Christ like?
Does your husband know Jesus?
What do you do when your husband doesn’t do what you want him to do?
How do you show respect and honor to your husband?
How do you show respect to yourself?
Where is your sense of security, identity and purpose?
What do you need to be happy in this life?
Here are some places to start – you can search my home page for the following terms:
– idol
– idolatry
– discontentment
– contentment
– expectations
– bitterness
– control and boundaries
– people pleasing
– martyr
– guilt
Much love to you!
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Thank you for getting back to me so soon. My relationship with my parents, is not much to speak of. I don’t remember to many hugs or them saying I love you. I really believe they loved us, just didn’t take time to care. I have come along way. I have been through many different programs at our church. And now have a relationship with both of my parents and one out four siblings. My husbands family is somewhat dysfunctional. But they love me, and treated me as if I were there own.They have always been there for us. They are the family I never had. I truly believe God gave me a gift with my family. My husband and I both worked at a church for several years, and unfortunately had to witness a lot of wrong doing happening with the leaders at the church. My husband is bitter, and does not go to church with me now.He knows God, but lost faith in man. I pretty much do whatever my husband ask of me. As far as respect, I guess there may be a handful of times that I didn’t respect him. But he is one of those natural fundamental kind of guys. I mean in our first few years of dating, I was amazed at his morals and value. He the kind of guy who finds $20.00 and goes around asking everyone if they lost it. The next three questions, I’ not sure I know the answer. On the 19th of this month, he embarrassed me. I didn’t stop and give him my full attention, and he spoke to me like I was a child. So I have been doing some soul searching. I have built my world around him, and I think I have been needy. Thinking that if I love him and did everything I could to please him, he would love me back the same..
Theresa
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Theresa,
There are TONS of posts here that I believe might speak to your heart and nourish your soul, your walk with Christ and your marriage. I’m glad you are doing some soul searching. I hope you will decide to find all of your contentment in Christ alone, and that you might seek to bless your husband, but that you might find your peace, joy and strength from Jesus.
I’m here if you have questions! I will do my best to point you to Jesus and His Word. 🙂
Much love to you!
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I need help I sont know what to do my husband doent help me enough for expenses in the house. He leaves to work or the week and only leaves me money exactly for things we need in the house and a little for groceries.I work and pay all utilities including my car payment and childcare on my own. He is does pay the house payment.everything else he saves to give extra payments on the house. I am crying of pain for the word he said to me when he realised I used his credit card behind his back to but things we needed for the house and went to a restaurant with the kids.I didn’t have money and I also put gas. He said I should go try to do his job out in the hot sun and that I have lost his trust by using his credit card. I don’t know what to do I need to become independent and not use his money at all…but is this a real marriage? I feel like now we are going to be roomates and just divide our bills evenly…I feel heartbroken his words really hurt me.
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Maki,
I’m so sorry things are so painful!
I wonder if you can apologize to him for going behind his back – and be sure to ask him before using the credit card?
Going to a restaurant may not be in the budget right now. IT would show so much respect and honor to him if you can try to stay in the budget he has given you. It sounds like money is very tight.
I hope you might thank him for how hard he works and how well he provides and ask him how you could better support him – then listen – without defending yourself. And see what you can do to be his teammate and to make this tight budget work. Even if it means not going to restaurants. I don’t take my kids to restaurants, and I check with Greg before spending extra money.
You don’t have to be roommates. You have the power to make things right here!
Much love to you and a huge hug!
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I was wondering if you ever considered changing the
layout of your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got to
say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of
content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having
one or two pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?
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Home Renovation,
Thanks so much for the suggestions! I will carefully consider them. 🙂
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Right now I feel as though I am in the “snake pit of the soul” as someone so well put it in terms of wrestling with this monster collection of collaborating idols. Idolatry in marriage and pursuing and pressuring behaviours are definitely problems for me, as are dependency and neediness, insecurity, etc. I shared elsewhere that I was recently sitting on the couch ranting to God about how “unfair” a lot of my hubby’s behaviour’s are and felt God impress my heart with ” You’re problem is with Me, not him”. Which is true. But oh, the agony and heaviness of trying to overcome an area of out of control flesh and sin! I am doing the two steps forward, five steps back thing and its so discouraging. I struggle with apathy and lack of motivation too which makes it hard to follow through and care for the house diligently; clearly an area I need to grow in.
Today I tried speaking to my husband about why he refuses to acknowledge how much his lack of value towards me and indifference towards protecting me has affected our marriage and left me feeling as if on shifting sand. He allows family and other people to treat me shabbily, though he expects my support whether he is right or wrong. I suspect some of it is simply passive aggressive revenge on his part and a bit of idolatry of his own towards others’ approval; however, he doesn’t feel I deserve respect or good treatment so when someone else mistreats me, in his mentality he reads that as me getting what I deserve for being “the kind of woman I am”. He acts cool and uncaring if I am really hurt by anything. However, I can’t completely dismiss that as “how dare he, that’s not grace or love”!
Basically its obvious to me that although he has feelings for me, he doesn’t particularly respect me, value me or trust me. I had to ask myself ” Have I given him any reason to feel that I am not worth swimming through shark infested waters to bring me a lemonade, to use Dr. Laura’s phraseology. I had to say yes.
For starters, we are both remarried to each other; At first we didn’t think we were doing anything wrong but were later led by scripture to question the rightness of our choices. There are always questions of sin and repentance that need facing in situations that involved divorce and remarriage; it is painfully raw to realize that some of my behaviour had more in common with the wayward wife of proverbs than it did with the godly woman I thought I was being. I’d been taught by my MOTHER that seductive behaviour was desired by men and that a man wouldn’t bond with you if he didn’t get some sort of stimulus in that area. I know, utterly horrible, devaluing and sinful things for a mother to say to her daughter; no one will love you if you don’t at least give them a little enticement. Evil, entrapping, manipulative thinking that came out of how she viewed men and despised them because of her experiences, full of hate and revenge dressed as truth. Out of insecurity and lack of character and integrity I was willing to do such things though I failed to realize that the moment I did so I was no longer acting in love but in selfishness and evil and that my good intentions towards him didn’t make that right “just this once”. It made me a self serving enemy, not a friend. There is also quite a possibility that my willingness to do this sort of thing came out of my own agreement with revengeful and despising thinking. I’ve discovered that things can be concealed in our hearts and present themselves in different garb than what they really are. Sin relabels itself all the time.
Perhaps even more sadly most of the church counsel I got was victim oriented psychology based counsel that focused largely on how much inner healing I needed and how wounded I was and how wronged I was in my first marriage than it focused on God’s kingdom and my role in it. There was little calling me to account for sin or disobedience or selfish willfulness and if that had occurred I likely would have pulled rank and gone all “victim”. I did listen to some rebukes with good grace as I had a desire for truth but there were areas in my life that were definitely places of cherished flesh. It wasn’t until I later read Martha Peace’s The Excellent Wife that I began to realize that I had whole reams of thinking and acting that had NOTHING in common with scripture and that what I had been taught was solid teaching in fact was not very scriptural at all. I was getting a shocking crash course in ” My ways are higher than your ways, My thoughts higher than your thoughts” and what is highly esteemed among men is considered rubbish to God”.
I suspect that a secular counselor based in psychology would use the label of something like BPD to describe my way of thinking and acting and responding to the world, but at the time I was quite ignorant regarding myself beyond having caught a glimpse of my own depravity enough to turn towards the cross. I think scripture would refer to it as both a stronghold and idolatrous sin. David Powlison of CCEF, a biblical counselling foundation, refers to it as “deep weeds to live your life in” and has a video about it. I suspect my parents who had both suffered serious abuse and violation had something very similar going on. We suffered booze fueled violence and both parents were very disturbed emotionally. So you can imagine what I thought was justifiable and normal and wound up acting out in my life.
So I said to my husband that I was well aware that he did not respect me, didn’t think I was a good wife and didn’t trust me, and that he didn’t value me enough to get in between me and someone trying to hurt me. He made no protest or disagreement. I said I realized that I had given him some good reasons to feel that way, that I’d demonstrated poor and corrupt character and had been a sinful and ungodly woman instead of the one I had originally intended to be. I asked him to spend some time thinking about what he thought I ought to be doing in order to be a godly woman and a good wife, and what it would take to restore faith and respect for us both and make me truly godly and worth protecting in his eyes. I asked for him NOT to respond at this time, but to spend some time thinking about it and write it out. I also asked that he be merciful and not “rip my heart out”. He agreed that he would do this. I hope that he does. I am not sure that I did the right thing but perhaps by not pressing on him to give me an answer right now and leaving him space to think and pray over it, that may have “allowed’ it to come across right. Sure hope so.
What I am musing over right now is that sometimes grace and mercy involves being allowed to taste the consequences of our sin/reap some of what we’ve sown, so that we might turn and repent . Discipline is an aspect of sonship/daughtership. Scripture says God scourges every son he receives; you won’t hear that preached on very much, lol. I have heard of God raising enemies against us when we persist in a path of willful disobedience. When King David was driven from Jerusalem and was being cursed by that dude that ran alongside of him and his men, pelting them with dirt and stones, his general offered to kill the man, but David said ‘ How do I know that God hasn’t said to him ” curse David”? I read that as David recognizing that what was happening had a direct connection to the way he disrespected God in front of all Israel, giving the enemies of the Lord great occasion to blaspheme, which is what Nathan told him when he confront the king over his sin. David realized that nothing was befalling him that the sovereign God had not allowed. So some of the poor treatment and rejection I have rec’d from my husband and others may not be as unjust as it seems but rather me reaping of the sin I’ve sown. And there’s that very pointed NT scripture that tells us To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed which is quite similar to what Nathan said to David. I accept that God is just when He judges and would rather Him deal with me on this side of eternity while repentance is still possible! I will have to trust that though a person may lay more blame at my feet than is fair, God will not. It IS very painful to realize that I have to learn how to be discreet, chaste, keeper at home, obedient to my husband precisely because I am NOT that right now.
Its only been about two hours since we had this discussion and he had to head off to work so I don’t know if he will follow through but I hope he takes me seriously and does so. It would certainly give me hope of restoration and enjoying the presence of God in my life again. I’m not of course suggesting that my take on my own situation automatically applies to anyone else’s situation in the exact same way. This is just where my head and heart are at right now, and I welcome gladly prayers for repentance and spiritual sight to continue to grow in my life.
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There have been a few times in my life where I have changed so much, so drastically, so fast, it’s like I feel like a different person everyday. It’s like my head full of thoughts, concerns, and questions finally all get answers and conclusions all at the same time. I feel like I’m going through that right now.
I’ve lived my whole life with anxiety, but recently it has gotten completely out of hand, my life revolves around this anxiety and panic attacks. All of a sudden the combination of how I felt and something my husband said to me during an argument finally turned the light bulb on for me. After 9 years of marriage (8 and a half of them falling short of happy) I realized I have control issues. Which is weird to me because I’m very passive with most people most of the time, I never get my way with friends or with my business partner and I’m mostly ok with that because I’d prefer that they get thier way and we avoid any confrontation. But my home is my safe place and that is where I try to get my way. I realised this a few days ago, and I realised this is why my husband and I are unhappy, this is why my anxiety is so bad, this is why I’m so stressed, so uptight, and this is why my biggest challenge at home is just relaxing and having fun with everyone else. Because I have to control everyone and everything at all times.
I cried my eyes out reading your list of goals because they are all things I should do but I’m so afraid that my husband will just take advantage of the distance. In his own words he said he shows me love by working and providing for us. I just don’t know if that is enough for me, I could just imagine backing away and having him work hard to provide for us and him never say 2 words to me unless necessary.
I’m really insecure and he knows this. When ever we argue and my insecurities come up he tells me that it’s my problem. My dad killed himself when I was young and when my mom remarried when I was a teen she starred treating me like I was inconvenient and I felt rejected. She is also one of those that talks about me like I’m a kid, like nothing I do is good enough, and putting me down. I know a lot of my insecurities come from that, but he doesn’t realize that he has contributed as well, he has made me feel so unappreciated and rejected. He has said things to make me feel like I’m not good enough. When my friends all had babies their husbands bought them gifts and catered to them for awhile at least and they all pushed their babies out the old fashioned way and went home feeling great. I had a c section, came home still in pain and he got mad that the house was a mess, I told him I needed help and he asked me why, I told him that I was in pain and I couldn’t lift anything for 6 weeks, he said you just had a baby, women do it all the time, my mom did it four times and she didn’t have any help. I’ve needed him, and he has failed me. I get that he isn’t jesus, but at same time I feel like our marriage is pointless, he is obviously not happy, and I am not getting what I need from him at all. I honestly think he has made me controlling, it’s just like with the kids, and the house, I’ve learned over the years if I don’t do it then it won’t get done. So what happens when I stop pursuing him, he stops pursuing me, and we end up in twin beds in our own rooms? I feel like I need to let go of the control for myself, for my own stress and anxiety, but I’m not convinced that it will help my marriage. I don’t think my happiness, or my needs ever cross his mind, I hope and pray that it will work out for our marriage but I can’t get passed the fear that I’m going to end up more alone then I am now.
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Brandi,
My heart goes out to you so much!
I can feel the wounds and pain in what you are writing – and I know the pain is very real.
I hope you might check out A Fellow Wife’s recent follow up. I think it may bless you greatly.
It is very overwhelming at first to realize that we are being controlling with our husbands. And it is terrifying to let go of control – especially if we grew up in an environment where we did not feel safe and protected and loved, or we felt we had to be in charge from a young age.
You have some very significant wounds from your childhood that I wonder if you have ever completely healed from?
I invite you to check out some more posts. You can search my home page for:
– insecurity
– security
– discontentment
– contentment
– how to make your husband an idol
– fear
– bitterness
– control
– people pleasing
What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?
What is it that you believe you need to be happy?
Much love to you! I believe you will find answers, hope and abundant spiritual Life here in Christ!
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Brandi,I can relate to all you have said. I stopped persueing my husband about a year ago. There is definitely more distance between us now, he actually seems happier because he has more time for himself now to do the things he enjoys but never had time to do because of working so much and my demands on his time. So I started doing stuff I enjoy. I took up a hobby, quilting, and love it. I have moved into the spare bedroom because he has erratic work hours second and third shift so were both sleeping much better. Problem is , although the argueing has all stopped, were no longer a couple and I can see now, never really were. So slowly we are finding ourselves and eachother all over again. Be patient. These are big issues in a marriage and will not rectify themselves overnight. We were going to divorce but decided to just let things even out on their own. Find a new healthier balance for the relationship. Like dateing all over again except this time with healthier more mature versions of ourselves. Stay in Gods presence and ask for his peace . Your aware of your issues at least now so sit tight and watch God work things out as you submit daily to him. Like I said,it wont happen overnight so be patient. HUGS
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Marie,
It’s great to hear from you! Thanks for seeking to encourage our sister. 🙂 I am glad you are sleeping better and not arguing. I am glad that you are rediscovering each other. Praying for God’s continued healing on you and your husband and your marriage!
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I definitely have not healed from my childhood/adolescence. It’s not even something I realized effected me so much until just a couple of years ago. And as time goes on I see more and more how it has effected my adult life.
My husband’s relationship with Christ is complicated, he goes to church with us sometimes(but he hasn’t been since Easter I think), prays for us before dinner, and we go to Christian marriage counseling. He says he just isn’t there yet, but he is more open to it then he was before. Our counselor gave him some great books that I read and find them really helpful with my own struggle with affirmation of my salvation. But he hasn’t read them. That is one reason I don’t think I trust him as a leader, because I don’t think he will lead us biblically, and I don’t think leading our children to Christ is a priority. I think that a lot of things he has done has degraded my trust in him, I also think a lot of things I’ve done have made him scared to take the lead fully. I think we have created in eachother a monster that we can barely stand to live with lol.
I know that the Lord is leading me to give up this control, it’s come up so many times with in a couple of days, I know I’m suppose to let go. It is so scary though!
I feel like the things he wants from me are very general. Take care of the house, be responsible for schooling our children, care of our children, etc. But some days the house is a mess, or we get take out, or we take a day off of school (we home school). I do get over whelmed with life sometimes and need someone to help me get it together, but some days I just don’t complete all of my tasks. He makes me feel like I don’t do as much as him, work as hard as he does, it makes me feel bad about myself and it kills my motivation which really just makes the situation worse. I know that I shouldn’t hang my happiness or self worth on what he says but I don’t like being talked down to and if I am not doing the things he wants me to do he either needs to accept that sometimes I can’t do everything or be more specific about what things are most important so I can make those my priority. I feel like he with holds affection or gestures of love because I don’t fulfill the role he thinks I should. I also feel like the affection/ gestures of love he does are not necessarily done with my wants in mind, but they are things he would like.
I want to be with someone who wants to be around me, who doesn’t think of me as a failure, who is considerate of my feelings and who makes an effort to show me love and affection.
I spend all day with a 2yr old and a 7yr old. I don’t really have any friends, the friend I do have are now divorced and don’t have their kids half the time so I’m kind of out of the circle just because we have nothing in common anymore. I don’t have a car during the day because me and my husband share a car so I can’t really do any activities with other homeschool moms. My husband is pretty much my only adult companionship, but he is busy playing video games or on Facebook or watching YouTube videos. I’ve made an effort to find other hobbies, I really enjoy reading, but then he tells me I’m neglecting my responsibilities or that I should be paying attention to my kids.
Thank you by the way for the other resources, I will definitely search for those.
Marie,
Thank you for your encouragement, I find comfort in your words, it’s good to know that even if it does get worse it could still get better. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that things continue to improve in your marriage.
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Brandi,
Thank you so much for your responses!
I definitely get that when a husband seems far from God, it is scary to submit to him. Almost all of us start in a similar place – where we feel we “have” to lead because we feel we are more spiritually mature or “everything will fall apart” if we don’t try to control things. God has a very specific and powerful approach for wives in such a situation – that is I Peter 3:1-6. That is our assignment – it gets us out of God’s way so that our husband can most hear God and become the leader God desires him to be. It does not come naturally to do this, it will take the power of God’s Spirit in us for us to do this, but I have seen it work many, many times. Sometimes it takes years. There may be some husbands who never come to Christ ever. But if a husband is going to come to Christ and become a strong spiritual leader, it will only be after his wife obeys God in this passage. You can still lead your children to Christ – and one of the greatest ways you can do that is by setting an example as a godly wife who has so much faith in the sovereignty of God that she trusts God to lead her through her imperfect, sinful husband and she respects and honors her husband.
What is your relationship like with Christ?
What are your greatest fears?
Are you working through the wounds from your younger years? What does your counselor tell you to focus on right now?
When your husband criticizes you, what do you say and do?
How does he respond?
Have you shared these feelings with your husband? What was his reaction?
I’m so sorry things are so painful right now – but I am excited about what God has in store for you! I know He is completely able to make this into something very beautiful for His glory and your ultimate good.
Much love!
April
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Good day.
I am afraid I have pushed my spouse too far.
He is a chef and work extremely long hours. We have two childeren and I am unemployed. A few weeks back our relationship started to break down completely. We started fighting every day and ig got to a point where he does not respect me and yell at me.
I realise I contributed to push him this far with the stress from work and to provide. Now be gpes out every night and come back early in the mornings intoxicated.
I have tried the past few weeks to give him his space since he told me he wants to be left alone. God have kept me strong to not text him and give him his space.
He is not religious but I love hime dearly. I am afraid that I have pushed him so far that he does not love me anymore.
I would appreciate if you can help me with advice.
Regards
Michelle
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Hello
I came to know of this site when I was searching randomly in net about marriage secrets. Yes, I think you are right that constant pursuing and nagging with questions does create a wide gap in the sacred institution of marriage. Being married for more than 4 years, I have still not understood what would help me to understand my husband and marriage, as sometimes the question if I did the right thing of marrying seems to start contemplating deep inside me time and again with alas! NO ANSWER.
My husband has had a series of turmoils in his early childhood right from sexual abuse from his relatives and friends, to death of mom at young age, with disconnection with father, and so on and so forth. So, this made him vulnerable to affairs before marriage though they were platonic and not physical by any nature. I accepted him completely as he was, with his negatives and tried to nurture him with all the love and support I had.
But, sometimes, I feel that I am being taken for granted as sometimes he starts his chatting and creating contacts with different girls texting them and messaging them, though they are not sexual in any manner. I come to know accidentally about this and on asking, he asks for forgiveness and promises to never repeat it. Ok.. fine… he changed. But, for the past few months, I am noticing that he hardly has time for me. He works in the afternoon shift, comes late at night, and plays games in mobile for sometime and sleeps. Gets up late, and has lunch and leaves for work. In weekends, he has kept himself busy with tutorials and we have not gone out in weekends for months. I don’t have any issue with this as such since I prefer staying at home… But, I find whenever I ask a simple question or tell him that this was not the right thing to do, and he should have done in this manner, he tells I have no other work than ordering and fighting with him. I am stay at home wife due to his aged father and we don’t have children.
I am constantly being told that I have ‘nothing’ to do rather than checking his mails and chats in his absence and doubting him. The thing is he has again started doing things that I don’t approve like starting contacts with unknown girls. He tells these are for professional reasons, but since I know his mind and his vulnerability, I am afraid he would be exploited like he had been in past by the girls he had contact with. Whenever he is at home, he has laptop or TV for his attention and when speaking to me, he looks constantly on the mobile or laptop. Whenever, I start a topic for discussion, he shouts and sometimes (very rarely) beats me or misbehaves. But, he repents for this.
But, sometimes, he is the most loving husband one can ever get, supporting me in whatever I do and was my best friend with whom I could share everything, even my crushes. But, now I sometimes fear sharing everything due to his sudden explosion or something. Few days ago, he told me that he hates me and will never talk in this lifetime. Though, he apologized later saying that due to immense work pressure, he told this. Nowadays, I don’t have a companion for me to share my feelings and thoughts and feel I am lonely. I cannot go out of this house since I had taken full responsibility of marriage due to opposition of my parents, though they have accepted now. I sometimes feel like going away somewhere without informing anybody, but I fear people will foul mouth my husband, which I cannot allow as my husband is a wonderful person ever ready to help anyone in distress, poor people with charity, and all. I have questioned God why He made me marry since I had wanted to become a nun and not come in this family circle. But, I don’t get any answers. I have stopped pursing my husband, but that has taken somewhat different course, since I think I am seeing signs of him starting to go back in the forgotten path.
I am unable to understand anything and how my life is proceeding. I sometimes feel that getting a child would help me solve my issues, but sometimes I feel its good I don’t have children considering that the child would also suffer due to my mentality.
Could you soothe me with some words since this is the first time I have shared my feelings with someone.
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Ignorant Wife,
My precious girl!!!!! Goodness!!!! 😦
What a difficult situation.
Your husband had so many wounds join going into this marriage. Did he receive any biblical counseling from a godly male mentor or any kind of help with healing from these awful scars?
How often has he beat you? Were you hurt? Are you safe? That is not ok! 😦
What is your relationship with Christ, please?
What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?
I understand your concerns about your husband contacting all of these women. I can’t imagine that any wife would be happy about that kind of thing.
It sounds like he is feeling quite disrespected. And, of course, you are feeling unloved.
Does he have any addictions or mental health disorders?
Do you have a godly wife mentor you could talk to or a Christian counselor you could trust?
Having a child is a great blessing – but, with the dynamics you have in your marriage right now, I am afraid it would create much more strain and stress. I would love to see you be able to have a stronger, more healthy marriage first if possible.
Why did your parents oppose the marriage?
What was your husband like before you married? Was he ever violent? Did he yell at you then?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
What was your parents’ marriage like?
Much love to you! And a HUGE hug! I am praying for you!
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Thanks for your reply… I am happy that atleast some one can understand the situation….
My parents opposed because I loved him and they wanted to go for arranged marriage and were not able to accept the fact that I searched husband for myself….
He is a god-fearing and god-loving person… Thats why. I am unable to understand him because sometimes he is soooo good and sometimes he just gives in to pressure.. He didnt go through any sort of counselling and I don’t have any mentor or anything.. My parents’ marriage has been a good one and I don’t know about his parents’ marriage since my mother in law is no more.. He is not violent or yelling at all times… Sometimes I treat him like child telling him what to do and what not because many people have cheated him with regard to money and he has lost a lot of money in this..The people take advantage of his innocence and his nature of trusting every one, which is also one of the reasons that girls take advantage by crying and emotionally blackmailing him… people borrow money and he gives thinking they are in trouble and they just vanish…
So, I have told him not to lend money without my knowledge and he is following that… All these I have no issues… It is during some moments when he just behaves awkward…. You know what? From yesterday, I stopped pursuing him and asking him about things,,, and here he was, sharing every detail of what happened.. I think maybe if I start giving him more lead and be quiet (which I can’t considering my over involvement in every matter of his) I may be able to pull him back… Waiting with fingers crossed….
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Ignorant Wife,
It is fine for you to say what you would like and need. I think you can do that respectfully without saying “you must” or “you should” or “you can’t.” Sometimes just our wording things differently makes a big difference – so that we are not commanding our husbands to do something.
Sometimes just saying, “It would mean so much to me if…” or “Would you please consider possibly not…” Or “I would prefer that we not loan money to other people, please.”
I am amazed that in just one day he is already coming to you and sharing. That is wonderful. 🙂
As you are able to stop controlling him, and start showing him respect, I think you may see a lot of healing take place. I have many posts that may be helpful. The top of my home page is a great place to start.
I’m glad he is not usually violent. Please be safe!
Much love to you!
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Yes… I am starting to follow mostly what you have mentioned in the posts… But, I am unable to stop snooping into his mails, texts and accounts as I have noticed that whenever I do this, I notice somethings that have been hidden from me and suddenly crop from nowhere… and when I ask him about this he asks for forgiveness and tell that I am unable to control myself and all….
One more thing is whenever I try to talk to him and communicate my feelings… he tells that I am finding fault with him and that I am shouting at him while the truth is I never shout at him and in fact, he does all the shouting business… I just ask him why he didnt tell me this before and he says you hate me thats why whatever I do, you have problem… Then, when I stop asking him he tells I am not interested in his matters and I hate him thats why I am not involved in his matters… I love my husband dearly and for the kind of person he is, everyone will love him.. but even after so much time in our marriage, I feel he has not understood me at all and sometimes, loneliness eats me up with nowhere to go….
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I want to pour down all that I have in my mind.. so please pardon me for my series of mails….
I know in a relationship its very important for spending quality time with each other… In this area apart from inanimate objects like laptop and mobile, I have problem with people also… Please don’t mistake me… Actually, from the starting of my marriage I saw that my husband loved to spend time with his friends.. I have never objected to this.. But, this has become a major problem now… In the beginning of our marriage, I was left all alone in the house with noone to talk to, no mobile, no TV, nothing,, and he spend his entire time with his friends.. When I asked this he said only today na… rest of the time I am with you only… I also pacified myself… But, this was not to be…. Everytime he has a holiday or leave he prefers to go to someone’s house… When, he goes there (though sometimes I also accompany him), he has so much to talk about, but when it comes to both of us, he has nothing to talk and tells me you talk and he just goes on with his mobile or laptop… When, I talk something, he gets hyper or if he is cool then he tells how many times will you go on and on about yourself….
I have told him n number of times that I want him to spend time with me but even if he stays at home he is not with me mentally… I am feeling so upset.. I don’t have anyone to share anything… Whenever I talk with anyone only the subject of not having children is the main one and nothing else… I don’t have the courage to tell my issues with anyone lest I be ridiculed for my decision of marriage or someone belittle my husband… I just pray and pray nowadays…. That too, to be frank, I am praying not for my marriage or for children.. I have stopped praying for both for the past 1 month.. I am just praying that I should get liberation and attain the lotus feet of the Lord… Nothing else
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Ignorant Wife,
My sweet girl! Oh goodness. 😦 I can understand why you feel so lonely.
So, whenever you do talk with him, you talk about what you find on his phone or you talk about that you don’t have children?
What else do you say to him?
Do you have a relationship with Christ Jesus?
Does your husband?
What does he say he wants in the marriage?
What do you believe you need?
Do you have any Christian women friends?
Sending you a big hug!
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No…Whenever I talk with him, I talk about my childhood and my friends and all….Some interesting incidents , some humorous ones too…. Yes, I have relationship with God..I know HE has better plans for everyone and we are ignorant fools…. From childhood, I have seen that noone actually understands my feelings and all and if I share then I have been put down and sometimes, even ridiculed… I don’t say that my family or friends were insensitive but it’s that I have always shown that I am a strong person and I can handle myself.. If some day, I showed my weak sides, then everyone gaped at me then I used to recollect myself and show as if I was just acting… thats what I used to do… I had always prayed that my husband should be my best friend with whom I can be my real self showing my real feelings and insecurities too…
My husband was like that in the beginning…. But, in recent times, he has become repelled by me… If sometimes, I cry or show my tears or tell him why everyone is being insensitive to me from childhood and even now including you (I mean hubby).. he says.. if everyone is being like this then problem is with you… you are not good…. you change yourself…. And he also tells me… I am tired of seeing your tears… You cry or do whatever you wish I am not going to console you… I am tired of you…. So, I have now for the past 1 month stopped sharing my feelings with him and he is also fine with it I think as he has not come forward to asking me my thoughts or feelings… and he is going on with his work and other things.. I am unable to understand one thing… When his close girl friends (CHildhood friends, whom I also know) face same issues like me, he is so very sensitive to them and understands them, talks to them, goes over to their place to support them and even talks to their husbands about it, but when question comes on him, he doesn’t do it… Am I such a sinner that I am always lonely and have only GOD to share my feelings and cry in the bathroom always so that only HE knows my tears and noone else?
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Thank you for sharing this. My husband is so important to me. I know he loves me and his love for our children is amazing, never seen a more devoted dad. But we’ve been in a rough spot. When we got together almost 9 years ago my previous marriage was ugly, so all my insecurities and jealousy issues surfaced when we got serious. Which the jealousy has gotten better and. Not worried if he’d ever cheat, but I’m terrified more than ever that he’ll leave me. He says I’m very disrespectful to him and I don’t even see it when I do it. I can just feel the unhappiness and anger from him. We were best friends and now I feel more alone than ever before. I don’t want to be an awful wife, I am so proud to be called his wife that I can’t think of the possibilities of that changing without falling apart. I’m going to try this and continue to pray for help and understanding. I am not sure how to become the quiet wife, when I try he gets upset cuz I have no input or I’m sulking so I’m just not sure where to go. I want to follow him, I want to be that perfect couple that nothing could rock. We’ve lost brothers, fathers, friends and other loved ones in our 9 years and always stayed strong. Now the little things seem to shake us the hardest. Please pray for us.
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Jen,
Praying for wisdom and healing for you! I hope you will check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect.
What is your relationship with Christ? He is the only one who can give you REAL security – and as you find your peace, joy, security, love, acceptance and purpose in Him alone, you won’t have to be so clingy and needy and you can be such a blessing to your husband.
Much love to you!
Roots of Insecurity, Low Self Esteem, Sinful Jealousy and a Desire to Control
Trying to Find Security in All the Wrong Places
How to Make Your Husband an Idol
The Idol of Happiness
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Thank you so much for listening to the Lord and writing this post! I feel that it was meant for me ;-). A little background in me. I have been married to my husband for almost 18 years and we have a sweet 7 yearold boy. We both work out of the house full time and most our life consist of work, church and sleep! Since all I’m about to say makes me look like a jealous, insecure, controlling wife ( which I have to admit I am and I need to change), I would like to say I am a faithful, loving, caring wife) I don’t spend a lot of money, I’m probably smothering always asking what’s wrong, always trying to make sure he is happy and we do the things that make him happy! I love my husband and I truley feel that he loves me but I’m always feeling neglected and that I don’t get enough attention or romance ( hugs, kisses, snuggles, handholding, you look beautifuls). Except when he wants to, well, you know! (Which is amazing when it happens).Also, he is tired and always seems like something is wrong all the time when he is with us! Don’t get me wrong, I am very blessed to have him! He is faithful to me, provides for us and even helps in the house. Which when I bring up not getting what I need from him, things he is not doing for me, those are the the things he says he does for me to show his love. I’ve also told him numerious times that he is always smiling and laughing at work, church and with friends and I only get the moodiness. I have made us have these conversations so many times now that the last time ( yes, it turned into an argument) he said its my problem that I’m unhappy. Yes, i’ve prayed about it and him but I always pick it back up in instead of laying it at my Saviors feet and letting him fix us and our marriage! Thank you again and please pray for me and my marriage! I want to be an amazing wife and mom!
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This is so on point for me. Every single word resonated with me and the semi-distance between my husband and me. I guess I can’t really call it distance more than my disappoint that he’s not meeting my expectations. And I now see how selfish I am being and I have to admit that my expectations can be unrealistic. I’ve shifted my faith from God to my husband. I look to my husband to provide me with everything I can get from God. And that’s not fair to either of them. My husband can’t be my everything but God can. And in the process, I know my husband and me will grow closer than ever. I absolutely NEEDED to read this today. Thank you!!
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I’m not sure how I missed this post, but do I ever need it today! Reading through the list, I think I’m guilty of almost all of these points. It is no wonder that my husband is irritable and distant. I usually make the mistake of trying to cling to him more tightly when he is pulling away. I think that I will pray for patience today in enduring the times between us when he is distant.
Thank you, April!
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Mrs. G, I feel exactly like you do! I wish I would have read this article months ago before I started annoying my husband by doing everything I just read about. Like you, I’m guilty of most of it as well. The good thing about God is He gives chance after chance to get it right. And I plan on doing just that.
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Very true, sister, very true!
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I also want to add that it never, ever occurred to me that I am not supposed to be pursuing my husband. April, do you know of any other books or sources that pertain to this? This is really an eye-opener for me!
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Mrs. G.,
I’m so glad this blessed you. It is very counter-intuitive to us as wives, particularly as strong-willed wives, or wives with strong personalities.
I am not sure about books that address this specifically. These are ways we can smother our husbands. Some books that address this issue indirectly would be:
– Bob Grant’s ebook “The Women Men Adore and Never Want to Leave”
– Shaunti Feldhahn’s “For Women Only”
– “How to Talk So Your Husband Will Listen, and Listen So Your Husband Will Talk” by Rick Johnson
– “Sacred Influence” by Gary Thomas
– “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace
Much love!
April
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I’ve been married to my husband for a little over 3 years. A couple of days ago he told me he thought he wanted a divorce. He says he needs space but not to rule out the possibility that we would actually go through the divorce. At first I was texting everything I could find online and he told me to stop so I’ve stopped. I’ve prayed and prayed my husband believes in God but doesn’t attend church regular the way I do.I’ve taken a look at myself and saw myself as needy, wanting him to cater to my every whim and not being affectionate are just a few. I’m now worried that I won’t be able to exercise the change in me. He is bipolar and says he’s not happy with me, he’s not on meds so I made an appointment for him and he said he appreciated it. I feel like I have no control and don’t know if I should be preparing to divorce or just not talk to him at all even to say hi and bye.
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Jeanell,
Goodness. What a painful situation! We actually had a discussion about this exact topic a few days ago on my Peacefulwife Blog FB page. You are welcome to check it out. I hope to have a post about this topic in the next week or so.
In the mean time. I believe I Peter 3:1-6 and I Corinthians 7 (the part about if an unbeliever chooses to leave) would be God’s instructions for you as His daughter. This would be the most constructive, healing approach you can take. It is the most likely way to draw your husband to you and toward God. You can’t change your husband or open his spiritual eyes. You can repel him. Or you can influence him for Christ. But, as you respect his decision and allow him space and time to think and respond in a godly, calm, poised, self-controlled way, you have the best shot at healing this marriage. If you choose to cling, cry to him, yell, scream, manipulate, lecture, criticize or force him to come back to you – you will only repel him even more.
Men are kind of like cats. The more you try to force them to do what you want, the less likely they are to do it. But if you are relaxed and calm and open to them, they are more likely to come to you. They don’t like to be told what to do or to have wives make demands. No one likes that.
I have lots of posts here about respect and biblical submission that I believe will be a blessing.
If he is bipolar and not on meds, that makes a HUGE difference. If he is not in his right mind, he cannot make wise decisions and is not “himself” right now. I am glad you made an appointment for him and that he seems willing to go.
When a husband has an uncontrolled mental health disorder, you cannot expect him to act the way he would if he were in good emotional/mental health. It could be wise to just wait and see how he is doing when he gets treatment. But, I would suggest seeking godly, wise, experienced, biblical counsel in person – or even seeking some mental health resources for spouses for support. I don’t write for wives whose husbands are having uncontrolled bi-polar issues. But there are resources available.
Much love to you! I am praying for you!
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Jeanell,
Oh! Please check out these posts:
A Peaceful Separated Wife
A Peaceful Divorced Wife
A Separated Wife Finally Begins to Experience the Peace of God in Her Life
And, I invite you to check out the posts from about 2 weeks ago about being an ungodly woman and also godly femininity.
Much love!
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Reading this post has truely reassured me. My husband and I have been married only 9 months. I love him so dearly but we are at the point of talking divorce. I told myself I was going to relax and give him space let him be who he is, and stop trying to control him and our relationship. I’ve been trying to relax in general, I like to be in control of everyone and everything, but since my husband told me he isn’t sure he wants to continue with our marriage I’ve been trying to understand more. I know it may be too late but I’m praying and praising more and speaking less. Letting go is completely hard, I’ve been working at it for 2 weeks. This really gave me the encouragement to keep going even though it’s tough. I told my husband that I would not give up on him and our marriage and I meant that.
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L.Thomas,
It is wonderful to meet you! I am so very sorry to hear how painful things have become in your marriage. Are you dealing with anything like mental health issues, drug/alcohol abuse, infidelity or severe issues?
If not, I would like to invite you to read the posts at the top of my home page about respect, disrespect and biblical submission. 🙂 Also, you may want to search my home page for:
– idol
– idolatry
– contentment
– Stages of this Journey
You are VERY early in your journey. This is a long, long journey – to know God more and to become the women He desires us to be. It is a lifetime process. But, as you focus on your relationship with Christ and on finding your needs met in Him, I know He can heal you and pour healing into your marriage, as well. We will pray for your marriage to be healed by God. But whether your husband stays or leaves, my deepest prayer is for you to be close to Christ and to live in the center of His will, filled with His power and able to know Him more and more.
Much love!
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Hello:)
I have followed this blog for a little. Very good! This is the subject im focusing on now. My husband is a very command man. A mans man. Little affection, but when i do get it it’s very special. He loves me a lot! My husband’s brother is the opposite, very loving and just more romantic kind of guy. He always says to me “hi beautiful!” Asks how my day is, tells me he loves my hugs lol (we have a strictly sister brother relationship! ) but sometimes i do find myself wishing my husband would say hi beautiful, and do these things. he did say that once when we were dating i think… he rarely tells me i look beautiful, he will say you look pretty. Anyways i have to be careful of comparing him. I wonder if i could pray for my husband to say that to me? Or to be more affectionate with his towards me? Or if i should tell him i like that? Hmmm… it sure would mean more if he made that decision on his own. Oh well:) we need to take the love language test. But i am not sure even if he knew i needed words he would use them?
God bless!
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unknown,
It is great to meet you!
I would definitely suggest being extremely careful NOT to compare your husband to his brother. Comparing always gets us in big time trouble! Does your husband know about how his brother talks to you? What does he say about it? “The Snare of Comparing”
Your husband may not be super verbal. If he says you look pretty – that is awesome! A lot of husbands don’t give compliments at all. “Help My Husband Never Compliments Me!”
What is your husband’s personality? Maybe he is more introverted? Maybe he shows love in other ways? Does he show love by providing for you and by doing things for you? Was he more affectionate in the past? When did that change?
How do you respond when your husband doesn’t say and do the things you want him to do?
Is he feeling respected?
The love language thing – you already know what you would like. You can ask for what you would like, gently, respectfully, in a friendly, positive way – probably once – or very, very occasionally. (a few times a year, for example) i.e.: “Honey, it means so much to me when you do X, Y or Z. I really like that.” End of talking about it. 🙂 Please be sure to thank him and praise him any time he does show love to you in any way.
But you cannot force your husband to show love the way you want him to. You may discover that he IS showing you love already in his own way. If you can learn to receive love the way he gives it – I think you will be able to enjoy him a lot more and accept his personality instead of wanting him to be different.
Much love to you!
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I needed to read this. God literally put this in my face. I’ve been looking for answers and knew I needed to trust HIM. I realize now, I’ve been EXACTLY the woman described. I’ve been wanting to save my marriage, but pressuring him to be constantly affectionate and hurt when he isnt, he can never win, I need to give us space, but I made him an idol in my eyes. I need to stop, leave him be,and trust in my heavenly Father to fulfill my needs. Thank you for writing this. I will read it everyday to remind me. Please pray for me. Thank you!
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Savannah,
It is so easy to make our husbands or our own feeling loved or our happiness into things we put above Christ. We don’t even realize what we are doing!?!? That is the scariest part to me.
I’m thrilled to meet you and so excited about what God is doing and will do in your life.
This can be a painful journey, especially at first. You can search my home page for “fellow wife” and find more of this author’s posts and follow her journey over the past 2.5 years.
And, you may want to search my home page for:
– fear
– discontentment
– idol
– idolatry
– contentment
– happiness
My youtube channel, April Cassidy, also has a video about “Why Men Sometimes Need Space” that may be helpful.
I’m right here if you need to talk some more!
Much love!
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What you say, is so very smart and painful, embarrassing, ! I am all those things and was hard to see in writing without turning my head in shame! I did all the wrong things for so long, I don’t no if its repairable? I also, tried to leave alone, not ask. When, I did this, things got worse. Now he never wants sleep in same bed, or touch what so ever. Maybe once a year for last 5 years. I love him, so very much . I think I’m killing us both. What now? Please, share ur thoughts, I’m confused. I can’t fix anything until this is solved, one way or another. Thank you, very much for listening
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Cassandra,
I definitely understand your pain!
Can you please tell me about your relationship with Christ?
What does your husband say about what he wants/needs?
I would also encourage you to check out the posts about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page, I think they may provide some valuable insights.
You are not alone on this journey! Thousands of us are on it with you. There is hope and healing available in Christ. He is able to meet our deepest needs in ways our husbands cannot. When we have Him in the proper place, He can empower us to be wives that are blessings to our husbands instead of us being so needy and clingy and trying to make our husbands take the place of God to us. I hope that makes sense.
Some other posts that may help – please search my home page for idol, idolatry.
Much love!
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I’ve been struggling with this from just about day one of marriage haha. And wow, this opened my eyes to the truth. The thing that hit me the most was the “biggest fears” part. I’m always afraid that if I let him be he might just forget me and become attracted to another woman if she were to give him attention and bother him for attention , but that just shows how little faith I have in God and in him. This is going to help me a lot. I’m going to meditate on this every day and honestly I just want to say that this probably saved my marriage. God Bless You. I always let my worries get to Mr and control me into controlling him and I hate myself afterwards. But this is something I can read every day to remind myself that I’m just going to make things worse than they’d ever be if I just let things be.
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Plus I think I’ve been idolizing him and I didn’t even notice it until I read this. I knew something wasn’t right in my relationship with Jesus, and now I know it’s because I’ve been putting my husband first.
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Christina,
I idolized my husband, too, for so long and had no idea that I was doing this. How I praise God for what He is showing you! You can search “idol”, idolatry”, “fear”, “bitterness”, and “expectations” on my home page for more posts that may be helpful. 🙂
I can’t wait to see what Jesus is about to do in your heart, mind, and soul. 🙂
Thank you for sharing! I hope you will let me know how you are doing and what you are learning.
Much love, my dear sister!
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Thank you SO MUCH for this. I’ve been married almost 2 years and I’ve struggled getting my desire for affirmation met. My family is very affectionate verbally and physically. His is not, so we have different expectations. This post is filled with helpful wisdom and i am reminded to think of all the nonverbal ways that my husband consistently shows me love.
Thank you!
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LAwife,
You are most welcome!
You may want to search my home page for the following phrases to find related posts:
– fellow wife
– bitterness
– husband space
– control
– controlling
– make husband an idol
Much love to you! 🙂
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Thank you for answering the call to start blogging about this topic. I’ve been a controlling wife for over a year. It started way before we got married. I have a very type A personality and I’m very direct. I didn’t know it was true controlling behavior until God revealed it to me. I’m a work in progress. The past hurts are a stronghold on my husband right now. We start seeing a Biblical counselor this coming monday. I feel we are in a spiritual battle. I have a long history of abuse and some sexual abuse. My controlling nature started when I felt I could have control back in my life. The problem is that I started controlling the men in my life. Deep wound. There is hope. God is revealing things to me in this season of my life. I’ve become more calm, peace, and joyful. This change took place about 3 weeks ago. How do I help my husband push through the past and grab on to the future? My heart is weeping and torn. The damage I caused I can’t undo, but I have repented many times and acknowledge my weakness. My husband says I treat him like garbage. That cuts me to the core. I know my heart and God does too. My intentions are good just poorly executed. I’ll continue to reference this site as I feel there are great tools to overcome this weakness. Thank you for the willingness to help other wives!
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Jennifer,
It is wonderful to meet you, my precious sister! I wish I could hug your neck!
I am so terribly sorry to hear what you have experienced. That certainly explains why you felt the need to try to control men. I can understand why you became controlling. Absolutely. And yet, control will never get you what you want – intimacy. I’m glad you see that already. 🙂
You may want to search my home page for some terms and read the posts:
– control
– fear
– bitterness
– idol
– idolatry
– insecurity
– security
– apologizing stories
– drill sergeant
– ungodly woman
– godly femininity
There are many, many posts here that I believe might bless you. But I am glad you are seeing a biblical counselor because with the history you have of abuse – you will need some extra specialized help to walk through all the baby steps, wounds, and warped ways of thinking that came from all of that. Thankfully, there is every reason for hope and healing in Christ!
I have posts for husbands, if you think he might be willing to read any. One that could be helpful might be “Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?”
I’m right here if you want to talk. Praying for healing for you both!
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Thank you for the great article.
My name is Naomi. I am a Christian all my life.My Husband and I have been married for 3 years now and I was just reading your article and think I’m the controlling wife that you mentioned.
Here’s my story. For a year after we got married, we lived with his parents and his brother in a house together coz it was his life before marriage and he’s the owner of the house. So, there was problems with in laws, coz his parents are demanding type and the kind of people who would just come in and out of our bedroom like there’s no door. So, long story short, we moved out to an apartment after that. However, my insecurity grows on and on and as he is still paying for that house and I feel like he’s too obedient to his parents and never say no to them. We had fights when his parents are demanding too much in my eyes, but I always back out and agreed coz I love him and don’t wanna be the bad guy of the situation. But because he knows I would get upset, he now filtered the info he is giving me and would lie to me straight to my face.
For example at lunch times he took off to his parents or his siblings from work and he lied to me he didn’t go anywhere. So, because of the lies, I always have doubts and there’s always trust issues.
I have become so obsessed with my husband and I know that mainly because I don’t have a family or friends around me. Both of my parents have passed away and I don’t know which is theright way towards these issues, who is right and who is wrong. I have no one to ask. For example last week he went to see his family and I knew it from other people but when I asked he lied to me and yes he didn’t know I knew it and I feel like I should let him know coz that would make him upset and embarrassed or angry. I have no problem with him meeting his family, it’s his right but I just want to know it from him and not from other people and be surprised and above all not being lied. So I felt heart broken alone. I’m feeling I might have done something wrong to steer our marriage this way and the only thing I can do would be changing myself and my perception. Am I too controlling wanting to know what he did where he went everyday especially if he went to spend time with his family? I know I am very insecure and needy for love and I need a cure.
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Naomi,
It is so wonderful to meet you! 🙂
That sounds like a very difficult situation. God commands two primary things for us to do when we marry a spouse – to leave our parents and to cling to each other. When we don’t do both of these things – it is usually a mess.
Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
What was your parents’ marriage like? I’m so sorry to hear that they have passed away. I am sure you miss them terribly!
Are there any major issues like actual abuse, drug/alcohol addictions, mental illness, criminal activity or anything else really major going on?
Much love to you!
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Thanks for the reply. I do miss my mom terribly. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom left him and took us with her when we were really young. I didn’t have any contact with my father since I was 5 until he passed away. My mom was a single mom, never remarried and she took care of us with huge heart, so you can say I am from a broken family, and I had an abusive aunt babysitting us while I was young. I didn’t have a great childhood. I am a believer but my husband isn’t and that’s another problem I am facing most of the days coz I tried to push him towards christ and his family is pushing him towards buddhism and he’s in the middle trying to please us. He is a kind and loving man and after I got married I left my hometown to be with him while I started studying from home again. So, I am mostly all alone without family, without any true friends. As I don’t have anyone apart from him, I also wanted him to feel the way I do and I can see that it is not working out if I continue going that way which I think of controlling after reading your article. I realized to get a peaceful, joyful relationship I need to change myself and my ways.
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I have a problem with my husband I am 3 yeas in marriage and I have experienced the most boring 3 years of my life, at first my husband was not working very good hence I was supposed to take more responsibilities in the house and now he is self employed and I helped him when he started and we agreed that he will come home each months with the receipt book so we see if the business is doing great it was last year august and now it is may and he has not shown me any thing am I wrong in wanting to know how the business is doing ? Secondly we don’t have a nanny and our 3 year old girl goes to chreche and I also work a hectic job I come back tired I have to cook clean everytime I have to ask him to assist clearing the place when I’m busy with something he just sit on the sofa, and also I heard do to others what u want them to do to u I tried to buy him stuff and he does not learn anything and I come to realise that he is selfish and I have withdrawn doing anything for him, I feel like I’m married to a child because everytime I ask him something I have to remind him 5 times if not more and still he says he forgot and I get angry. Even when I’m sick I do the washing. I have tried praying and ask God for wisdom and It just get worse he ask stupid questions and it really irritated me pls I need advise
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lumasi,
It is a pleasure to meet you, my friend! 🙂 But I am so sorry to hear about how difficult things have been.
Does your husband have any mental health issues or is he addicted to drugs or alcohol that you know of?
You are not wrong to want to know how the business is doing. What have you said to him about that he hasn’t shown you the receipts? What does he say about the business?
What does your husband say when you tell him you are overwhelmed with working and cooking and cleaning and taking care of your daughter?
Would he consider allowing you to stay home? Or to reduce your hours?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
How do you talk to him when you ask him to do things?
Was he like this before you got married?
Is it possible that he is feeling really disrespected?
How is your walk with Christ going?
Are you experiencing God’s joy and peace most days?
Much love!
April
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Hi, this is a great post. I have a question though…how can I submit to my husband in everything? Sometimes what he wants me to do or act or wear is not how Gods word wants me to be. So its either I listen to my husband and go against Gods word or listen to His word and not listen to my husband which would then result in me not submitting to him “in everything”. I can totally understand how a woman can submit when the husband is wise and only wants good for her, and loves her like his own body. When he cares for her and is gentle towards her…to sum it up is everything the Bible says he should be. But when hes not in his place, how can I be in my place?
An example is when he wants me to wear something that I see as seductive and inappropriate in public. This always seems to start arguments even if i try to gently explain why I cant wear something like that…
What do I do in situations like that?
Someone please help.
Im young and have been married only for 1 year. I want a strong, loving, God-fearing relationship with my husband and am willing to do all that I need to do.
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Anonymous,
These are really important auestions. Please check out the following posts at the top of my home page:
Spiritual Authority
Biblical Submission
And please search my home page for “submission does not = the husband is always right”
Let me know if those posts are helpful.
Mcuh love!
April
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Hello. I just stumbled onto your blog and didn’t know I was doing everything wrong. I’ve been married to my hubby for 2 years. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions. I haven’t had a job for a year and my husband handles all the bills. I’m grateful for that but he doesn’t give me any money. We’ve argued over this and it hasn’t gotten better. On top of that, my hubby doesn’t kisses me much, hates when I touch him and controls our sex. We only have sex when he is ready which leads me to be sexual frustrated. We go weeks and he sees nothing wrong. I’m not even sure he understands what intimacy is or how to do it. I feel like I’m begging him. If I want a hug or kiss, I turned to my daughter. I just feel like he doesn’t understands me and I don’t know what to do. When he is aggravated with me, he’d scratch his head and look away. When I touch him, hug him or attempt to kiss him, he sighs hard and I feel like I’m needy. I thought about an emotional relationship with someone else but I want him. Please help me because I’m at wits end.
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Jamthorne,
This sounds very frustrating and painful. I’m so sorry for this difficult time you have been going through!
What was your relationship like before you got married?
Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
What does your husband say he needs in the marriage?
Have you ever tried being content in yourself with God and allowing your husband the freedom to make his own decisions without trying to pressure him?
Does he have any mental illness, active addictions, or serious sin issues?
Does he have medical issues relating to his ability to have sex?
What do you do when you want affection and attention and he refuses to do what you want?
Does he know that you are feeling tempted to look elsewhere?
Much love to you!
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He has no sec issues. He’s not addicted to anything. I gave him freedom with $1600 and he thought of himself. I am going through my walk with Christ. I want to be a better person. I pray alone. I try asking him to pray with me abd it’s a no go. I m confused. I thought it would get better once married and it hasn’t.
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I really like this post and actually I’m like this naturally so I’m confused how to move forward. I’m a very independent woman but also very sensitive. My independence comes across tough to men. Some men have loved it while my husband seems in between. He is a recovered/forgiven womanizer. I have a long history with him (18 years) but we’ve only been married 6 months. I recommitted my life to the Lord January 2013 and brought him to Lord the same month. He has always been with weak willed women and never married them. His family and friends have made it clear to me I’m the “one” who never took his nonsense. Yes, I always forgave and was optimistic he would change for me but every disappointment I would walk away. We played this chase game until I told him may 2014 I was done and to stay away from me. 7 months went by with no contact and I was fully focused on the Lord, healing and pursuing new goals. Then one day I received a text. I’ve always been a girl who doesn’t like holding grudges and sincerely wishing the best and knowing God is the ultimate decision maker. So I replied with cautious but kind words. He (as I had expected) pursued me again. Showing me how he had grown in his walk with the Lord, maturing from the womanizing habits and adding more responsibility to himself. I watch pleasantly surprised and happy for him. I agreed to friendship but quickly fell back in love. He was treating me so well and we made a decision to marry. (Previously engaged 3X and cancelled wedding) my parents are strong foundation rooted Pastors and married us on a whim.
Things got shaky quickly. Thankfully he kept communication with his spiritual mentor who is a good husband and this kept him trying. I’ve reached out to our Pastor and he has been a helper in a few of our very hard moments. But now he’s consumed with work and his thirst for God is waning. He considers himself a strong godly man but he has given up on praying together, studying together. The last few weeks he’s been insensitive, mean, silent, distant. We’ve not had sex in a couple weeks.(I know but for a man who always wants to, this is odd) the goodbye kisses have stopped and same with the “I love you’s” . Last few days have been better but I feel he’s still holding back. He has complained that I don’t try/I’m unloving because I’ve always been the girl who holds back out of fear of rejection. However this has always helped me because I’m looked at as a “unclingy” woman. I don’t like to be overly pursued myself so I always have the same.
So this is where I’m stumped. I believe 100% that I should continue to be a quiet and meek spirit and show respect. (I’ve read Love and Respect) but I also wonder if he’s looking for me to pursue him? A few weeks back God spoke to me audibly for the first time. I was beside myself from the excitement. He was working with me on my root of rejection and said “trust your husband” and after debating myself that it was really Him and not me being crazy, I answered with “but I just can’t etc etc…” (Yes I know) and He then again spoke and said “Do you trust Me?” The overwhelming loving conviction hit me hard and I wept for hours. I keep going back to His words, praying over this situation but just would like a little advice from others.
Thank you!
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Jamie,
It’s wonderful to meet you! I am thrilled about all that God is doing in your life. But my heart aches for you both with the pain you are experiencing.
I would love for you to check out the posts at the top of my home page about spiritual authority, biblical submission, disrespect, and respect – and let me know what God speaks to you. Then let’s look at your questions again together.
Much love to you!
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Hi,
Thank you for ur article, it tells of my fears but also give the answer.
I havent married yet, but me and my bf are in condition where he stop contacting me like before. Before he keeps making jokes or want to know ab my feelings, but now he is very cold. We have long distance relationship. He changed when he got new job.
I am afraid that he will stop loving me if I dont make any calls or texts.. but after read ur article, do u think all I have done with text him or call him is a kind of controlling?
Still afraid anyway if he will move to other girl there.. as I am far and cant show him my support to him or do smthng to show him that I care..
if I do nothing like stop initiating to contact him, is there a chance for him to contact me back? I tried this, and he not contact me back for a day, maybe it would be more days 😦
He read my messages but not reply…
Pls tell me how to behave?
Thank you.
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Mee,
I don’t really know enough to know what you should do. But it sounds like something may be wrong.
How is your walk with Christ?
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This post almost makes me wonder if you actually know me… *laughs* I have been a bit… too… aggressive? in my need for attention with my husband. Apparently, without my knowing it or wishing to realize it, it has gotten to where he actually brought it up and was trying to find what it is/was in my childhood that makes me crave attention so much. He never does that with anyone unless the matter is very pressing. I will admit, I am quite a loner when I am not at work, and even then I deal with people from a distance. That is my choice for reasons of that I simply prefer to be alone most of the time with my own thoughts. Still… it is not good for my husband to have to listen to me and my insecurities. Yet, if he doesn’t, who will? Do I even matter? These thoughts run through my head, yet, as your post itereated, I simply have to put my faith in G~d and in my husband. No flower can bloom if first it is not allowed room to grow. So too, is my husband, and so too am I.
Be blessed always.
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RebeccaAnn,
We have so many similar temptations. I think it is so important for us to see that the enemy attacks us in ways that he also uses with many, many other people, as well. This can help us recognize what he is up to. And our own sinful natures are so similar, as well. We can learn from each other!
I would love for you to search my home page search bar for these terms and read the related posts – I believe they will point you to Christ and healing:
– idol
– idolatry
– idols
– needy
– fear
– control
– insecurity
– security
– separation paradox
– husband emotion
Much love to you! I’m right here if you want to talk some more. I know this is a TOUGH thing to unlearn – and it takes a lot of individual prayer and wrestling. But sometimes it can be so helpful to talk through it with someone else who has been down this road.
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Thank you for writing this. It’s such an important post. It’s so counter culture, but really needs to sink in. Even with great intentions and not trying to control, we, as women, so often manifest insecurity the same way and we try to make sure everything is in order. We see problems and want them to be fixed because we crave health. It’s very hard to wait, to trust God. Still, only God is Sovereign over anyone and the husband underneath God is over his wife, so the only healthy choice is to trust God and to give up all trying to lead her husband. It’s very hard to fight fear, but it’s much much worse to give into it. That quote is so great. I have heard it said, “The only thing worse than a man you can’t control, is a man you can control.”
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She Sat Still,
I’m so glad this blessed you! 🙂
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This blog hit me hard, it was so good and exactly what I needed to hear.
I have a very long, painful story but I wanted to say thank you for these words.
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I need help. What does it mean to give my husband space to be affectionate? He won’t touch and hug me. What is best, just be friendly until he may or may not ever touch me again? Or continue to touch him and get a cold response from him? As a Christian woman, wanting to do what is right, what should I do, please? Thank you.
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Deanna,
Hey! It’s great to meet you! 🙂 Would you be able to tell me a bit more about what is going on? I have a good bit of experience with walking beside wives in situations like this, but I can’t quite tell yet what is going on. And would you please consider reading the two posts at the top of my home page about disrespect – and then let me know anything you think God may be speaking to you, please?
What is your relationship with Christ?
What do you believe you need to be happy in life and in your marriage?
What does your husband need to be happy in your marriage?
I’d be glad to hash through some things with you, if you are interested. 🙂
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Wow! You just gave a point of view I had not considered at all.I had a discussion with husband yesterday,He told me I’m very controlling and he’s all fed up and does not care If I decide to leave.I really thought he did not love me anymore and that his friends were more important to him than my son and I.Now I see I’m wrong,He’s been so patient with me and respecful.I’ll try to do things differently.I know It will be hard for me but I’ll pray to God!!!
Thanks!!
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Maribel,
I have MANY posts here that I believe will help you on this journey to learn to treat your husband with respect and honor and to learn not to depend on your husband in an unhealthy way to meet the deepest needs of your heart that only Christ can meet.
I’m thankful that you are having honest discussion about what is going on. It is not too late, my precious sister! Seek Christ first. Let Him heal your heart! Cling to and depend on Him alone. He can empower you to become the woman and wife God calls you to be for His glory!
A great place to start is the top of my home page. You may also want to search for the terms:
– disrespect
– respect
– needy
– how to make your husband an idol
– fear
– insecurity
– security
Much love to you!
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I am a non believer born and raised as a Roman Catholic. My first marriage was over in 3 yrs due to being too young (21) as well as my spouse being conflicted spirtually. She started out Catholic then she became Muslim then she became an Isrealite Radical. She was Hatian American and I was Puerto Rican American. She struggled with race equality and was always angry at the world. I recall coming home one day after work and found her crying and she said that she would have to leave me if I were a direct descendant of Spain because according to the Radical Black Isrealites, that would make me a white devil. Needless to say that marriage ended and I developed an aversion to all religions. Fast forward 10 yrs. I met my current wife on an AOL chat room. I was 30, well seasoned, had a decent job, and a willingness to get married. She was a single parent raising 2 children one 9 and the other 11yrs old. Her family has a strong Born again Christian background. My wife is a believer and so are her 2 children. When we met, she wasn’t going to church or really into it much. We married and had a son so we are now a family of 5. My step daughter and step son grew up stronger in the faith surpassing their mother. Our youngest is like myself, in different or just not into it but yet indoctrinated. My succesful step Daughter one day about 3 yrs ago, came to us and told her mother(my wife) that she resented the fact that she didn’t raise her in the faith by going to church and being dedicated. Most of her up bringing in the faith was taught to her thru her grandparents. She expressed disappointment in that she could have been more Christ like from the very beginning thereby avoiding her bad choices in life ie boyfriends, vurginity, career, ect. I believe that since that time as well as a few other traumatic things that have occurred in my wife’s life, that she wanted to re kindle her walk with Jesus. I have no problem with that but she wanted me to devote my life to Christ along with her. Thru the years I have attended at least 2 church’s and even joined the Sound Ministry putting to use my skills I had once used as an audio engineer. I felt almost coerced and tricked into joining tho. I was introduced to people who coincidentally had the same interests as I did. I followed and attended many functions but I never felt compelled to throw my hands up and give my life to Jesus. I believe that this has put a rift in our marriage. My wife also says that I don’t take control or lead as a man head of household should. My wife is very controlling, savy, smart, as well as a great talker. I am totally opposite and I am content with very minimal attention and things. I love my wife but she feels we cannot continue unless I take more action as well as become spiritually yoked. I am struggling with my assertiveness I am generally timid and quiet. I wish that I could change permanently for her but whenever I do become assertive or play the game but keeping up the illusion that I may one day become saved, I return to my true self a couple of months later. I am happy but she is not. Give me a soda, hamburger, and a sci/fi movie or TV show and I’m happy. She needs reality TV,Lifetime wholesome no sex or foul language movies, church, and Jesus and she’s happy. I don’t know what to do she has changed and I have not. I love my life but she feels like she’s living with a room mate.
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Tom,
It is a pleasure to meet you! Thanks so much for sharing your story with me.
Goodness, your first marriage was definitely challenging spiritually. I can’t blame you for developing an aversion to religions after that experience. Although it makes me so sad to imagine lumping Jesus and who He is with false religions. But I understand why you feel the way you do.
I would, of course, love for you to find the hope, and abundant Spiritual Life that Jesus offers to you. That is my fervent prayer for you, my friend! But I also realize that this is something that is between you and God individually. No one can coerce, trick, or force you into following Christ. The choice must be yours alone. God gives all of us a free will. We must each make our own choice about Him and then we will each live with the consequences of our choice. The more a wife tries to force her husband into this, the more resistant most men will tend to be.
I wonder if your wife may be willing to speak with me? I would be happy to talk with her. I don’t want you to feel pressured to live for Christ. I think you can still lead, if your wife is willing to step down and give you a bit of space and time. I would love to see her support your leadership and give you the freedom to make your own choice about a relationship with Christ. I know she loves you and wants to know that you will be in heaven when this short life is over. I know she has good intentions toward you. But God does give believing wives instruction about how to best treat a husband who is not yet a believer – and I’d be glad to talk with your wife about that. It involves respecting and honoring a husband, not pressuring him.
This marriage can work even with you not following Christ. I am sure she will miss out on the spiritual intimacy you could have if you were also following Jesus. But – the marriage does not have to end if you are willing to stay and she is willing to be patient and allow you to make your own decisions.
Much love to you in Christ!
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Good morning,
I am dealing with something similar as Tom Rivera but my husband is the one I who I want to have a greater relationship with Christ. I don’t want to push him and in turn make him more resistant. We’ve been through a lot in the past year and we’ve found out way back to each other, but if we could also have a spiritual relationship that would really be a blessing. As a wife I want to know how do I encourage that relationship in a positive way? I know the bible warns of being married to someone who isn’t equally yoked, but what do I do?
God Bless,
Chante
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Chante,
It’s great to hear from you. 🙂
I Peter 3:1-6 and I Corinthians 7 contains God’s instructions for wives whose husbands are unbelievers. Also, you may search my home page for the category, “win him without a word.” A post that may be a blessing is, “My Secret Idol.”
I have many, many posts here that I believe would bless you as you seek to draw closer to Christ and to honor your husband even though he is not a believer at this point. God is the one who opens people’s eyes. We can’t be the Holy Spirit. But you can become the woman and wife God desires you to be – and that will attract your husband – to yourself and to Christ. 🙂
Much love to you! I pray for your husband’s salvation and for God’s wisdom, power, and Spirit to direct your every step for His glory!
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It’s so good to hear from you!
Thank you so much for the encouragement and the readings you posted. My husband and I had a conversation today about his walk with Christ. Although we still aren’t on the same page, he does believe. That’s a start, right? 🙂
Thanks again and God bless!
Chanté
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Chante,
That IS a start! A great one! This will require more patience than you would be able to produce naturally on your own – but God can give you the power, wisdom, strength, and vision you need to begin to bless your husband and to become the wife and woman God desires you to be! 🙂 I pray for healing in your marriage!
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Good evening!
I’m so confused as to what it is I should do. My husband and I have been separated since February. We have the opportunity to move into a nice house together that will be our first official home of our own if I go. As I stated before our spiritual relationship isn’t there yet. He’s just not interested right now, but he does believe. I’m trying to live in a way that represents Christ so that it will bring him closer to Christ. I don’t know if he’ll ever desire more. He said he tries to always incorporate “what would Jesus do” in everything he does. That alone satisfies him. I just don’t know how to handle this.
-Chante’
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Chante,
If you are already married to him – the goal is to live with him and be a godly wife to him. So – I guess I am not sure what you are asking. You are asking if you should move in with him – even if he is not yet as strong as a believer in Christ as you want him to be? YES!!!!! I Corinthians 7 says let an unbelieving spouse stay if he/she is willing to live with the Christian spouse.
You can live with your husband, if he is willing to live with you. I have TONS of posts about how a wife can reach her husband for Christ – but it will not be with preaching, nagging, lectures, or words. It will be with your godly attitude, your graciousness, your kindness, your genuine respect for him, and your willingness to cooperate with his leadership (unless he is asking you to clearly sin).
I think I am confused – who is it that wants to be separated and why?
You don’t have to make him go to church. You can go to church. And allow him to make his own choices. He knows you would love him to come with you – I am sure. But you can’t force him to come to Christ. The Holy Spirit will work as you get out of God’s way so that your husband can hear God better. But the best thing you can do to help be God’s partner is to allow God to transform you to be a godly wife yourself.
The post this week may actually be helpful – it deals with shame – but it would be a very similar scenario for a husband who is not a believer or is a young believer. The things a wife can do to make things better or worse would be the same.
Much love to you! 🙂
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Sorry for the confusion! Over a year ago he said he didn’t want to be married and he wanted a divorce. We’ve made a lot of progress since, but we’re currently living apart from the time he wanted out. You did, however said what I needed to hear. I just need to be patient, but he can be so clueless. I’ll do more reading. Thanks again!
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Chante,
So – is he saying he wants to move in together? As in, this is his idea?
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Yes, it’s his idea, but he also says he wants me to be sure. He keeps giving me the option to wait even though he wants me to.
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Chante,
He wants you to be sure you want to live together again? I’m glad he is not pressuring you. I would imagine this is great news, right? It sounds good to me. 🙂
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Yes, it is. He just comes with a lot. Thank you for your help 🙂 I’ll keep you updated
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Chante,
Ok! Praying for God’s wisdom for you! 🙂
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I’d like to invite all of you to check out a Fellow Wife’s most current post – what she would tell her old self from 3 years ago if she could write a letter to herself at the beginning of this journey.
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“Remember that it is not healthy for me to pursue him for either me or our marriage. Remember it should be him pursuing me.”
I am very interested in the scripture that supports the idea of a man “pursuing” any woman including a wife. I have come to feel we should be serving our spouses but only “pursue” God’s will.
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B Johnson,
What this wife is describing is an “enmeshed” relationship, a “codependent” relationship – or, in spiritual terms, idolizing her husband. So my understanding is that she is trying to describe that she needs to back away from him a bit and look to God, allowing her husband to come closer to her when he is ready, rather than smothering her husband or demanding attention. And you are right – we should be primarily pursuing Christ!
For a more recent post from this wife, with maybe a more clear description – you are welcome to check out this post.
Great point, thank you!
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Wow! Thank you so much. Just when I have given up on my marriage, I came across this neatly presented work. I have learnt that I should stop seeking for my husband’s love and attention. Rather, I should seek God’s love and receive contentment for my soul. Thank you so much. May God continue to bless you. Amen.
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Bimbo,
You are most welcome. If you want to talk some more, please let me know. 🙂
Much love to you!
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I won’t take up valuable space by explaining my whole story. We’ve been married almost 19 years, together almost 21. The last 4 have seen incredible stresses – forced out of a career he loved, schooling to follow a new path, a new job that has proven so much more stressful than we could have ever imagined – personal attacks against his abilities and character to name a few… top it off with moving 2 times in a matter of months. We were never great at communicated – we’d air our frustrations and retreat to reflect – then when we ‘d come back together it was done – we never hashed things out for closure as some people do. It worked… or so I thought.
Enter in all the stress of the last few years and neither one of us could really reflect on what we needed to change because we could barely hold our head above our own hurts – both outside and inside the marriage. He checked out – I checked out… who did what first doesn’t really matter – it happened and here we are. He told me this summer he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married to me… of all the nasty crap in his life, to know he could/would walk away from me and that he saw the potential for relief in that, devastated me to my core.
I quickly jumped off the crazy train and started praying. Not for him to change but for me to change; for God to change ME! The book the Power of a Praying Wife was and still is my daily read – it helps. I Love this Blog as well. This post in particular as well as the post about Giving up my Dream…” really hit home. Just last night we had another long tear envoking conversation about how I’m not getting what I need… he doesn’t know how to give that… round and round… me just wanting him to say he doesn’t feel the same as he did in July – him saying he thought he was showing that by being here at night rather than working late, putting the phone on the counter and not being glued to it any longer… cuddling on the couch and renewed intimacy in the bedroom… STILL, in my mind it wasn’t enough… why isn’t enough?
I got up and read this post again at midnight last night and I truly believe it was God who pulled me to the computer… I NEED TO STOP PURSUING my husband… and I need to stop thinking if I do this, he’ll do that. I want to do the things I”m doing to make my marriage better because I WANT to be better… I want to make these changes; for me! Not for him, not so he will want to make changes. I can’t make that, or manipulate that into happened.
That being said… how does one get to the point where we stop “wanting to stop doing/feeling those things’ and actually stop! I don’t want to need him to prove to me his love in My ways… I want to feel confident and loved in myself and have the GRACE to accept him and his changes as his efforts to make things better. To really appreciate him and the marriage we are working on together…. but everyday I see what I”m not getting that I want and I get into the tailspin all over again.
How do you really LET IT GO? To the depths of my Soul I want to accomplish this. But I continue going back over everything that isn’t being done… my way. if I don’t hear the words of affirmation that he loves me and wants to be married to me… not just that he doesn’t want a divorce because of the mess that creates but that he wants to be married to ME – I start questioning in my mind and then that affects my ability to stay sane and calm in front of him.
I’m making myself miserable and I’m pursuing my husband right out the door! His Faith is rocked and that’s something I PRAY for him everyday… I PRAY for my personal growth everyday too and I KNOW i’m getting better but how does one truly let go of those needs… or let their husbands off the hook to meet those needs? To truly stop the feeling of hurt when they aren’t met by him… Any advice will be truly appreciated!
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AJ,
It’s great to meet you! 🙂
It sounds like your husband has been trying to show you his love for you and your security in the marriage through actions. And maybe you want words? I hope you can focus on all that he has been doing to show his love for you. Sounds like he has been trying very hard to make you his number one human priority!
But if you are not seeking Christ first, if you are expecting your husband to meet your deepest spiritual and emotional needs – your husband will never be enough. You will be insatiable – like I was for so long.
I’m so glad you want to change for yourself – not for him. That is awesome!
If I were to focus on what I am not getting – I would go into a tailspin any day of the week. That is not a productive focus. I do much better when I focus on what I am getting – from God first, then from my husband and others – and when I focus on what God calls me to do.
You can decide to learn to understand his heart and that he is a man, not a woman, and he shows love in very different ways. That is not wrong. It is different. And you can learn to translate what he does into words of affirmation. “Oh, my husband came home on time and put his phone down and is cuddling with me. He is so sweet! That is how he shows me he loves me and wants to be with me and make our marriage work.”
How is your walk with Christ going? Are you in the Bible daily? Are you seeking to discover that if you have Jesus, you have everything that matters in this universe and that you can be content in Him alone? Your walk with Him is your power source and if Jesus is on the throne of your heart, He can and will change your desires and give you His strength to become the woman He calls you to be.
What books have you read lately other than The Power of a Praying Wife?
Please search my blog home page for:
– idol
– idolatry
– idols
– expectations
– I am responsible for my emotions
– I am responsible for my spiritual growth
– A Fellow Wife (her posts are about this issue, many times)
– submission means holding the things of this world loosely
As you release almost all of your expectations of your husband and cling to Christ and look to Him alone to meet your needs – you will be able to do this.
Much love to you!!!! 🙂 I’m here if you need to talk some more.
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Hi, Thank you for your response…
Your blog as well as The Unveiled Wife and AssumeLove.org have all been incredibly helpful. One of the first online sites I read and still go back to is found at EngagewithLove.com. There is an ebook from this site found here:
Click to access Your-Spouse-eBook-v4.pdf
This was the first piece of advice I looked to, printed and still reread in an effort to make my efforts about changing ME. When I read this we were at a point where he wasn’t sure he even wanted to BE married so he certainly wasn’t in the mode of helping me fix things. This blog was all about what to do to STOP the process moving forward toward divorce. How to put a plug in the leaks and hold tight making changes in the process to help him feel better about our marriage – enough so as to stop thinking of ending it. All the while, truly working on ME and what I can do not just to be a better, Godly Wife, but to be a better ME. Somewhere along the way I lost ME.
As far as books go here is the list thus far:
The Five Love Languages
The Four Seasons of Marriage
The above 2 books are the first 2 I purchased – right after the whole thing blew up in July. I actually bought him a copy of each as well in hopes he would read them while he was on his “walkabout”. He didn’t. He still hasn’t.
Next Came – And almost in this exact order – sometimes overlapping:
The Power of a Praying Wife
For Married Women Only
Marriage Matters (Companion book to the above)
How We Love
Sacred Marriage
One More Try
Love is Something that You Do
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
10 Lessons to Transform your Marriage (companion book to above)
His Needs, Her Needs
Wired for Love
I don’t read the bible as often as I should… I find it very difficult to read and understand. It’s much easier for me to read a blog, see the scripture in that context and Pray about it and talk to God about it from there… that is the process I’ve done my whole life and moreso these last months.
Currently I have:
Hidden Keys to a Loving, Lasting Marrige
***Gary Smalley has a ton of books on my list to read next
The Purpose Driven Life – book and journal
I found the blog “assumelove.org” about 10 days ago and it totally changed me and my approach. I started looking at the things he WAS doing and seeing them as being done in love. I don’t like the word assume so I choose to say “believe”… but the gist is simple… unless he says otherwise, believe that what he’s doing he’s doing in love and believe it is his way of making efforts – his way of showing his love. Believe he is doing what he can to make US better, to steer us away from divorce. This has helped a lot. Rather than focusing on what I wasn’t getting, what I didn’t think he was doing… or what I wished he would do differently… it really got me to change my thought process… if I focus on the negative I will see everything wrong. If I choose to see things as being done out of love, it does change to having a more positive outlook. The more I see the love in his actions, the easier it is to see the love in his actions.
I do believe he is making efforts he’s comfortable with to make things better. My question is HOW to stop feeling things like… “why won’t he try to speak My love language when he sees how hard I’m trying to speak his” – “why doesn’t he make the romatic plans, leave the little love notes he used to” (years ago) “when will he work to change him like I’m working to change me”. I feel selfish asking these and it’s even worse allowing them to bring me down again. I want to release him from the things that are not his to fulfill – but it’s a fine line it seems. I feel like he should expect me to respect him, show appreciation and work to meet his emotional needs – why can’t I expect that from him? I work to show my love for him in ways HE feels are necessary – when he will do the same? I do believe God designed marriage to be this way – not that either of us should be an Idol of the other but there are things we need to do in our to help create the marriage God wants us to have!
My last comment is this: my husband has totally turned away from God. He asked me to cancel a Christian Retreat I had signed us up for because he said he has no interest in how God is going to help our marriage when he’s done nothing to help with everything else these past years. (pretty close to an exact quote!)
I will search the posts you recommended. If you are anyone else has any other ideas on how to stop the inner turmoil of wanting more than I have, wanting more from my husband than he is either willing or able to give… Prayer and my time with God in my quiet garden does help… but then it’s almost like I can feel the grip of Satan taking hold and saying.. yeah but look at this!
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AJ,
Thank you so much for sharing the resources that have been so helpful to you. That is awesome!
I love your desire to allow God to change you and your way of thinking. What God is doing in you already is so beautiful!
Here are a few more things that I believe may be helpful, my precious sister:
– Why Do I Have to Change First?
–“I REALLY Want Him to Change, Too!” – by GraceAlone
– My Demon – by Kayla
Your husband is discouraged in his faith – I vote to honor his decision about not going to the retreat without condemning him. Right now, it is kind of like he is in a spiritual ICU. He can’t give you the things you want from him. He is so wounded. But as you trust God to work in him, God can heal him. In the meantime, you can focus on allowing God to change you to be the woman He wants you to be – not so that your husband will change, but so that you can please and honor Christ. And you can focus on being a blessing to your husband and an instrument of God’s healing in his life.
You can also search my home page for:
– discontentment
– contentment
Much love to you!
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UPDATE – I’ve worked very hard to become a better more “Godly wife – I’m a work in progress that I fear may be too little too late. Last night after a few days of feeling some isolation from my husband – we had been doing better and I was starting to feel confident things would get better and heal – then a few days of isolation and “weirdness” caused my insecurities to flare. I took a bath to try and get some alone time, Pray and get my bearings before going out to meet him when he got home. I lost. I ended up asking him about the weirdness and that led to a really long heart felt / heart wrenching conversation.
He admits now that while he loves me, and he doesn’t want a divorce because of the added problems that causes, and for the kids – he isn’t sure he wants to be married to me. He isn’t sure he wants to put any effort into healing our marriage and he isn’t sure it can be healed. The bottome line truth finally came out – he RESENTS me for the last 2 years of hell we went through. Not for all of it, just my roll in not making it better – mostly financially. When he lost his job, we decided – together – to have him go back to school while we live on savings until he got a job. This would allow things to stay as smooth for the kids as possible – I would stay working part-time – try to build it up as I could but it was never more than that… well, apparently he felt I should have gotten a full time job and taken the burden off of him financially and when that didn’t happen he buried his anger and resentment to the point that it “eroded any feelings of love and admiration.”
Top that off with the fact that he works in an office with mostly women – women who are professional and successful and draw salaries upwards of 70k-90k – I think he has lost all respect for my being a stay at home mom and the value and benefit that brings. He sees his financial security rocked to the core, feels totally burdened with the financial status of the family and doesn’t feel I did my part – and he sees these other women who do…
He acknowledges that he didn’t talk to me about this when he started to feel it -that he didn’t talk to be about how he was feeling such a high burden and would I please take a full time job – he didn’t say we would it out so the kids felt the least hardship with my no longer being in the home – nothing… he buried it and never said a word.
So all this time, I thought I could help heal the marriage by doing the things I stopped doing when i was going through my own form of depression, becoming the Godly wife I started out being – well, now to find out that stuff only exacerbated the issue. I can’t fix the real issue – he totally and completely resents me, blames me, has no respect for me and when compared these other women, I don’t rate at all (to be fair that last comment was added by me based on his statements or innuendos).
There is no forgiveness for me or anyone else he feels wronged him. He believes God has punished him and this is the result of that. He continues to wonder if he would be better off on his own, happier away from me… and then he turns around and makes love to me and holds my hand when we were out today – went out of his way to sit next to me and put his arm around me… I have no idea what to do.
It’s no longer about not pursuing him, it’s no longer about learning to feel content and looking for the positives and trying to bring about change and healing with my own change and healing. When there is NO forgiveness and such a level of resentment, what is my next step? Could he be suffering a mid-life crisis? I’m worried he will find a counselor who will speak about the glories of divorce. His 3 best friends (one of which is a woman he works with) are all divorced. They all had horrible marriages – not so great divorce processes and one of the guys is remarried and ecstatically happy. How do I convince him to Honor his vows when he has these others who are potentially showing him why those vows are really sacred?
Things are so much worse than I thought… I can’t go back and change anything but how do I know if it really is too late to salvage my marriage? I don’t know how to help him find his way back to his Faith – without it, I’m not sure there is a chance for us.
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AJ,
How long ago did you begin this journey to become a godly wife, my dear sister? 🙂 I wish I could give you a big hug!
It is good for you to take responsibility for what you did to contribute to the problems and damage. However, if he did not tell you what he really wanted you to do – I don’t believe that you can take responsibility for not reading his mind. Does that make sense? You could share that you wish he had told you what he really wanted – or that you are so sad he didn’t feel safe enough or respected enough to share what he wanted. But he is responsible for saying what he wants and needs. That is not your job. You are responsible for saying what you want and need.
What does he want you to do at this point?
What do you mean that things yo did exacerbated the issue?
You can’t fix him. You can’t make him forgive you. You can’t make him lay down his resentment. But you can become the woman God calls you to be. That is all you can do. That is all God calls you to do. You are not responsible FOR your husband. A helpful post might be “Control and Boundaries.”
God CAN convict your husband and draw him to Himself. He can empower him to forgive. You can’t do that, though. You can’t make your husband do those things. You can do your part and trust and wait on God to work in your husband’s life.
Someone who refuses to give has a major spiritual issue with God. You can call it a mid-life crisis – but it is the flesh being in charge, rather than the Spirit of God. Let’s trust him to God’s hands and trust God’s Spirit to speak to him and to work in his heart in God’s timing.
It’s not too late. Not for God. 🙂
But this will probably be a long process requiring more patience than you have ever had to have in your life. Here are some other posts that might help.
When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done”
My Husband Wanted a Divorce
Can You Pray Too Much for Your Marriage?
I Don’t Think My Husband Loves Me – How Can I Be a Godly Wife?
Don’t Wait!
Waiting Becomes Sweet
Much love to you!
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Thank you again for you responses and suggested readings. I will read those next.
I think my trying to heal the marriage by fixing what I thought were the problems, may have made things worse for him because I didn’t fix what he felt the main problem was – money. I have told him I felt it was unfair of him to not tell me what he really felt and he acknowledges that. He is the classic avoider at home because he deals with so much conflict at work he doesn’t want to deal with it at home.
I believe that somewhere in the last couple of years, he has changed his values as far as the benefit of having a stay at home wife. I truly think that because he works with these women that are all driven and successful financially – this is now where he places his value of what a woman should be – and I’m not that. I bring in money but not near enough to take any real burden off of him. Our kids are older and are in school so I can work more, but my wanting to be home when they are home is more critical now I think – they are in middle school and high school so having 3 girls alone for hours after school while parents work is NOT a good thing in my opinion. But again, he has changed those views dramatically and never shared until now. I worry I’m being compared to the women he works with and I’m not measuring up in his mind.
I used to think I was a Godly Wife – but over the last few months of really reading and Praying, I realize just how far off I was. I have allowed what “he did or didn’t do” affect what i did or didn’t do. We both did. We ebbed and flowed and things were totally dependent on the other. We used to be very good and stopping the crazy cycle when we saw it happening sometimes I would be the one to stop the madness and sometimes it was him… these last 2 years were so stressful, neither one of us did until it was so far down it’s hard to see it will be repaired.
I’m not giving up – I told him that. I’m struggling with what that looks like though. I KNOW now the main way he feels loved or respected is through security – that has become a financial thing – so I will try to improve my income. But I’m struggling. I want to work on us without pursuing, I want to give him space without making him feel I pulled out altogether like before. I don’t want to be “controlling” but want to initiate physical intimacy at least some of the time so he knows I know that’s important… but now I see how that might be seen/felt as a burden to him if he doesn’t want to but is just because he doesn’t want to rock the boat. It’s all even more confusing than ever! I need to stop wanting reassurance from him, I need to stop asking for it even when I’m feeling so uncertain about us I can’t breath – these are the times I need to just stay away until I can get my confidence back in front.
His Faith is GONE! How do I continue to Pray for him and our marriage and ask God to help heal him when my husband has slammed that door closed… I feel like without God, he will not find the ways to heal himself and he won’t see the importance of healing us and there will for sure be no forgiveness.
He doesn’t know what to do – he feels he is so lost he can’t find himself. It’s very sad to see/hear. I Pray for him everyday and I told him so but he sees no evidence of God and refuses to look. You say and I believe this will take more patience than I ever knew was inside me. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 says May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance. – This is what I Pray for everyday! Thank you again for you words of encouragement and suggested readings.
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AJ,
In these times of confusion if your husband has lost his way spiritually – it is so important to focus on Christ and to abide in Him. Being a godly wife is impossible in our own strength and wisdom. When you have a husband who is lost and confused, it is even more challenging. Your ultimate goals are 1. to please Christ and 2. to bless your husband. Does God want you out of the house more making more money? I don’t know. I pray for His wisdom about that. I have a middle schooler and I believe it is very important for me to be here as much as possible with him. I understand your concerns. A lot of teenagers get themselves into so much trouble when they are unsupervised.
There is balance in being a godly wife that is very difficult to achieve – not being controlling, but not being a doormat. Not pursuing too much, but not being passive. Being understanding and respectful but also sharing our own needs. Sharing our needs but not being resentful if we don’t receive what we need. It all requires the power of the Holy Spirit in us.
You can’t make your husband return to Christ. But you can be the woman God calls you to be and you can get out of God’s way (by not preaching, lecturing, nagging, criticizing, scolding, etc…) so that your husband can most hear God. God is able to get through to your husband. We will pray for that end together.
I pray for God’s strength and healing for you both and for your marriage, my precious sister!
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This paragraph:
There is balance in being a godly wife that is very difficult to achieve – not being controlling, but not being a doormat. Not pursuing too much, but not being passive. Being understanding and respectful but also sharing our own needs. Sharing our needs but not being resentful if we don’t receive what we need. It all requires the power of the Holy Spirit in us.
*************************
sums up my entire mental debacle. Finally someone can put into words the tug of war going on in my brain. Resting in Christ is all I can do until my own brain takes over and starts the wrestling… I will continue to work and grow stronger!
Thank you again for your posts/comments/replies. You truly are a Blessing – not only to your family but to all of us out here needing inspiration and encouragement. Thank you for your prayers. I have never been one to ask anyone to Pray for me but I will now! I hold you in my Prayers as well. I ask that God continue to give you wisdom and ability to speak what is in our hearts and help us find ways to navigate through the muck when we can’t find it ourselves.
God Bless You!!!
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AJ,
You are most welcome. I walked this road by myself (with God and about 30 marriage books) 7 years ago. I had NO CLUE what I was doing and no mentor. Of course, I had God – so that was the most important thing! Still, it was SO frustrating and difficult to try to learn to understand these new-to-me concepts. It was like trying to learn Chinese without a teacher.
3.5 years into my journey, my husband began to feel safe with me again – and he asked me to share what God had shown me with other wives. He told me he thought other marriages would be greatly blessed by what God had shown me. Wow. I could never have imagined Greg would have said something like that. I just wanted to see God heal our marriage and to see Greg heal from the pain I had caused him unknowingly for over 14 years.
Having others on this journey with you is such a blessing. It helps to talk about these issues and to hash through them together. It helps to have others who have been down the same road and are a mile or two farther along and to hear the wisdom they have learned and the treasures God has given to them. The Body of Christ is SUCH a powerful blessing to us all!
When the flesh is in control – all we can do is flip flop from one sinful extreme to the other. VERY frustrating! As we learn to yield fully to the Holy Spirit and to hear and obey Him – He begins to empower us to soar in the middle above these extremes in a beautiful place of godly balance that we can’t accomplish in our own strength. That is the goal! 🙂
Thank you for praying for me. Please pray that God will empower me to be faithful and obedient to all He has called me to do. I am always glad to pray for you. Reach out any time you need encouragement or you are feeling confused or stuck. We will walk this journey together and encourage and bless each other. 🙂
Much love to you!
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Wow, 3 1/2 years! I read that and stopped dead in my tracks. The past 4 months have been so extremely difficult and emotionally exhausting, I wasn’t sure I would make it another 3… but years… I don’t know what your situation was or where your husband’s heart was when you began your journey – I tried going back to the beginning of the blog to see if you ever shared the whole thing and didn’t see it but then there are years worth of blogs to get through.
For me, I don’t believe in divorce but clearly my husband does. I truly feel that at anytime if I said, “ok, let’s file” – he’d be relieved, pleased even. he wouldn’t fight, he said that directly – he doesn’t know if he even wants this marriage to be fixed let alone think it can.
From his last comments over the weekend I feel he sees no joy in being married to me – he has no admiration for me and certainly no respect. When compared to these other women he works with (one of them is his “best friend” and she’s single) I can’t measure up. I don’t have a full time job that brings in 70k-90k/year as do they, I don’t only get to show him the positive side of my life and never have to burden him with my negatives as do they. He sees them at their best and believes on some level they are better, that is the standard he now holds for what a woman should.
He does not think of me during the day, he does not look forward to coming home to ME… it’s an obligation. My efforts over the last few months to fix what I had done wrong don’t seem to have changed anything for him. If anything, he finds new reasons to think divorce is the way to go – this last one, the resentment he feels for my not working – is new, but i believe it’s probably the closest thing to the truth. He doesn’t forgive, he never has. When someone “wrongs” him, he cuts them out… that’s me now. Even though he has made horrible mistakes in our marriage, he refuses to see anything but what he believes I did wrong – I’m the cause.
part of me wants to think he’s just in such a depression he can’t see straight and has no idea what he really feels but the other part of me says that’s just wishful thinking. It’s at this point I wonder if I’m just turning myself into a doormat… should I even be making love with this man who has openly said he’s not sure he wants to be married? Lack of sex was one of the things he started off saying was wrong… so it’s been one of th emain things I’ve been trying to make sure is put right… now I”m not so sure. The balance we’ve spoken about in these comments is difficult at best but in light of his new comments, is it even possible.
Living with this uncertainly and trying to perform this balancing act has been exhausting… I don’t want to give up but I can’t see this going for years and years… but what is the alternative? How did you endure for that long? Maybe my walk with Christ isn’t what it should be… maybe I’m still looking at this all wrong and I’m doing the totally wrong things…
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AJ,
Greg and I had an agreement that we would never consider divorce and we never brought up such an idea. But when I started this journey, Greg was very shut down, depressed, discouraged, passive, unplugged – didn’t hardly look at me, didn’t want to touch me, wouldn’t listen to me, would barely speak to me. It was very lonely and painful for us both. Of course, I had no idea until December of 2008 how much I had hurt him. He had never said a word about my pride, self-righteousness, disrespect, and control. So it was quite a shock for me to realize all of my sin and to realize that he was the way he was – in part – because of my treatment of him. 😦 VERY heartbreaking.
He was not talking about other women. He was just shut down. He didn’t interact with the kids. He didn’t interact with me if at all possible. He let me run everything. He was either watching TV after work or working on house renovations. He did not feel safe with me.
Your husband may believe that these other women are much more enticing. But – he would have a lot of the same issues if he were with them that he has with you. It is a lie that looking somewhere else would bring greater happiness. It would bring so much pain and heartache. And he would eventually still have to deal with the same sin issues in his own heart. He is putting his faith in a fantasy. Proverbs describes where adultery leads.
If you believe he is being sexually faithful – I would encourage you to continue to be available to him for sex. If you believe he is not being faithful – that is an entirely different thing, and I would not want to encourage a wife to be intimate with her husband in such a situation. Sex can be a form of emotional/spiritual glue, healing, and bonding in marriage – even when things are very tense and strained. So, unless God is clearly showing you to stop, I would seek to bless him sexually when possible.
As you allow God to change you – your husband will come home to a joyful, smiling, peaceful, welcoming wife. He will see your respect for him – even though he doesn’t deserve it. He will see your willingness to defer to his leadership in parenting and decisions – and – eventually, as he sees how well you treat him he will have to come face to face with his own sin. As you are not sinning against him anymore (or not very much) over an increasing period of time – he will have to see his own sin vs. your godliness and that usually brings conviction over time to a man. Eventually, they usually realize, “Why would I leave my wife when she treats me like a king, respects me, lights up when she sees me, sees the good in me, and treats me with honor? I would be a fool to leave this situation!”
He has his own sin issues to deal with. Please don’t take responsibility for those. He has to face God and account to Him for all of that stuff. You are only responsible for you.
I don’t put much stock in a husband’s current feelings because God is sovereign and He can change a husband’s negative feelings toward his wife. I have seen that happen hundreds of times as wives seek Christ first and allow God’s Spirit to have control more and more.
He seems to be hurting and depressed. He may be far from God right now, as well.
If you are feeling exhausted – it may be that you are trying to do a lot of this in your own strength. That is so impossible! Be sure you rest in Christ. Let Him do the hard work and heavy lifting. This is all about Jesus and what He wants to do in and through you – it is not about your husband and it isn’t about your own self-effort.
My prayer is that you will allow God to work in you, that you will be responsible for your obedience to God and your sin. That you will seek to please Christ far above all else – and seek to bless your husband – but trust God to do the heart changing stuff and the conviction of sin stuff.
It does take time for husbands to believe these changes are real. The goal is not to convince your husband you are really different. The goal is to let Jesus radically change you – your husband being blessed by the changes God does in you is a secondary effect. When you are abiding in Christ, you have total access to all of the riches and power of heaven and all that belongs to Jesus. That is real power, my sister! In fact, it isn’t really fair to your husband when you allow God to change you and control your life and your direction – because you have so much of an advantage over him. But the goal is for him to also be released from Satan’s trap and snare where he is caught right now and is being held captive. Your husband is not the enemy. You do have an enemy who wants to steal, kill, and destroy in your marriage – but your husband is not the enemy. Your fight is not against flesh and blood…
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
What is most needed is the armor of God, holiness, being Spirit-filled, obedience to Christ in your own life – as you submit fully to God, the devil will flee (James 4:1-10).
This calls for much patience – more than you have in your own human strength.
Here is a post that may be helpful: Don’t Wait.
It is painful to love a wretched sinner who doesn’t deserve it – but that is what God can empower us to do. The key is your walk with Him, your prayer time, your humility before God, your desire and passion to love him and know him more, your willingness to abide in Him and allow Him to have full Lordship over your life… The timing, we must leave in His hands. He knows how to heal broken people and marriages. He’s an expert at this!
Much love!
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AJ,
You can certainly pray for God to give you wisdom and provide opportunities if there is a way for you to earn some money to help ease the financial strain your husband is feeling. AND, I would want to offer to cut spending as much as possible and show lots of appreciation for how hard your husband works to provide well for the family.
Praying for you tonight!! 🙂
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Thank you again! I was at my lowest the other day when I wrote that last comment – as low as I had been back in the summer when this all boiled over. After i wrote it all day i felt that I had just conducted and subjected you and everyone else to my biggest pity party of all time! It will be my last!
I KNOW my husband has been sexually faithful and I’m relatively certain there is no “emotional love affair” with anyone at work. He has developed a close friendship with someone who went through much of the crap he went through at work last year, so they bonded over that but he assures me it’s just a friendship and has seriously cut down on the # of texts – I think -hope- he’s feeling more support at home so he’s not in need of someone else to talk to. Small victories right?
We also had an agreement before we were married that divorce would never be brought up – somewhere along the way he forgot that because he has brought it up a number of times. We had that discussion this last weekend and I asked him what he would have said when he proposed if I answered, “I’ll marry you but if we get off track and I don’t feel great about everything, I’m going to talk about divorcing you” and the look on his face was almost like an epiphany. I hope it hit home that I’m totally committed to this marriage and have been since day one – that I don’t see anything that is cause for divorce and I would never bring it up. I truly hope it’s the last I’ve heard of it, but only he can make that decision.
I’m holding to your words that as I allow God to work in me the changes needed, that my husband will begin to soften his heart towards me – I PRAY everyday that he will turn back towards God because right now, he won’t even listen to KLove or Way FM anymore. I can’t imagine how lost he feels – because even on my darkest days, I KNOW I am loved and forgiven – to know he doesn’t feel that comfort is heartbreaking and scary!
I had a hard day yesterday and began my journey to forgive myself and release the regrets I have for the past couple of years. We all make mistakes right? I read an article about regret yesterday that helped me – I wasn’t irresponsible, I wasn’t wreckless, I/we made what we thought were the best decisions at the time with the information available. I can’t go back and rewrite that history now just because the present isn’t how I want it to be. I can’t continue robbing my present and my future by giving the past so much of myself. That’s done. I need to fix my “now” so I can stop trying to change or relive my then and wish I had done things differently. I’m on this path for a reason and it’s time I buck up and figure it out!
I have decided to STOP perusing the internet. I will continue reading your blog and searching for encouragement through your posts, because in my quest to find answers, some days I find more things that cause me to doubt and lose Faith than provide encouragement
.One other site I will continue is https://www.reviveourhearts.com/challenges/
I have decided to take their 30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge and I’m already midway through the 30 Day True Woman Challenge. I’m going longer than 30 days as I’ve set my goal to the New Year. I will not pursue reassurance from my husband unless I feel God wants me to (and I have felt that and felt his hand on my heart at other times telling me to settle down… I know he will guide me). I will spend these next few weeks thinking and believing we WILL be healed, our marriage WILL not only survive but will thrive once again. I will continue to look for and concentrate on the positives I see in our marriage – I will write them down as they happen so on the days where pity parties threaten I can read back and remind myself all that is good!
Blessings!
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AJ,
I’m so glad you are feeling a lot better now. 🙂
I’m very glad to hear that your husband is being faithful to you and that he was willing to cut down the texting so much. That is awesome!
I also like the way you shared about bringing up divorce. Good job!!!!
You are not guaranteed that if you obey God and submit fully to Him your husband will definitely soften toward you. But if he is going to soften toward you – this is the way it will happen. And whether he softens or not, you will be right with God – and that is ultimately the main thing. 🙂
I love that you realize how lost your husband is feeling and what he is missing right now. God is giving you a very good perspective, it sounds like.
I’m very glad you are able to see that you weren’t trying to be irresponsible or purposely cause pain – but that you are taking responsibility for what you know now and forgive yourself. God can forgive you through Christ – and we are certainly not above God that we could not forgive ourselves. SOO thankful that God is helping you to heal over these things. The awesome thing about serving a sovereign Lord is that He is able to even take those years of sin and use them for something beautiful. That is what He is doing in my life! Using my 14+ years of sin, disrespect, control, etc… in my marriage to draw thousands of women to Himself around the world. God is SO good!
I think it is wise to be careful what you allow into your heart and mind – a lot of things can get us way off track. I know that I still do best if I don’t read about “what husbands should do” and certain topics. I do best when I focus on my walk with Christ and what God calls me to do.
I have heard a lot of good things about reviveourherats.com.
Love that you are focusing on the Philippians 4:8 things in your marriage and that you are focusing on resting in Christ, nurturing your faith in Christ, and focusing on the good.
You are such a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing an update of all that God is doing!
I pray for His healing for you both and for your marriage for His greatest glory!
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Needing help again…I hate feeling so needy, clearly I’m not doing something right! Sometimes its like I’m not even i the driver seate of my own life! Over Thanksgiving Break there were several things that seemed like positive “we are going to survive” actions from my husband. I truly tried to focus on those. HOWEVER, there were many many many red flags. The biggest of which was what seemed like obvious reluctance to be in a family picture at the end of the week. He joined but only after giving me a look – a look I’ve only ever seen when he talks about not being sure about staying in this marriage. I got the same look when I asked about my mom offering to give us a date night overnight… did he want to take advantage… he said yes, but with “that” look. Several times over the week he made it obvious that as as soon as I left the room he was reaching for his phone, or if he had his phone he turned it away from me thinking I was going to be reading it over his shoulder.
Same things at home… sometimes I feel like he’s really trying to plug in… others I get the “intuition” that he’s just trying to make it through the Holidays and then it’s done.
I allowed myself to stoop to a level I swore I wouldn’t get to… I’ve done this one other time and promise him and myself NEVER again… I checked phone records. This time I went way back… back to before he told me he didn’t know about our marriage… back to when I was so caught in my own depression I couldn’t be there for him… and guess what I found…. HOURS and HOURS…entire DAYS filled with mintue by minute texts… including Christmas, New Years eve when I went to bed early because I was sick… VALENTINES Day… I honestly dn’t even remember V-day but he had almost 5 solid hours of back to back texts with this woman from work he claims in his best friend… but only a friend. He swears nothing physical and no attraction that way but come ON!!! hours of back to back texts for months? I KNOW… where was I right? I let it happen. I was not available to him so he ran to her… I get it! I messed up so completely. I knew that before tonight but seeing it in print is heart wrenching. The anger in me wants to wring his neck… how could he say he had no mental energy left because of how stressed out with work he was… and then find out he was giving it all to her? He coudn’t see or didn’t care to see how depressed I was… but he was there for her all this time! He didn’t then and isn’t now putting an ounce of effort into correcting any of his mistakes allowing me to take full blame for where our marriage is and yet he was hours and hours with another woman! Yes, I know… if I was giving him what he needed he wouldn’t have looked elsewhere… but what about the spouse dealing (well drowning really) in depression – he says I abandoned him… but he abandoned me too…does that not count for anything? Yet I’m the one that has to do all the changing, make all the efforts to correct the mistakes I made and he gets to sit back, enjoy the effort making none of his own after he made HUGE mistakes too? What’s that? He has turned totally away from God and maybe now I know why… he doesn’t have to face up to what he did was wrong but I’ll tell ya… Where is God right now? He has the power to heal everyone says… he has the power fix the marriage that I don’t have the power to fix… and yet… where I am I?
I want to email her. My anger has it own words to say… that won’t get repeated hear. My heart that knows I let my husband down by not being there for him all those months wants to thank her for helping him through something I wasn’t able to help him with…she’s Christian…I want to implore her Christian values and ask how she could let herself be in such a position with a married man… and yet I know she was valuable to him at a time when I wasn’t… how do I reconcile this in my heart and in my brain… and is my marriage really savable? Worse now than I’ve been ever…. ;(
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AJ,
You are each responsible only for your own sin. You are not responsible for him having an emotional affair. He is accountable to God for that. You are accountable for how you treat your husband and for your obedience to God and your sin.
God DOES want him to change, too. God is never pleased with an emotional affair. So – it is not a matter of “you are the only one who needs to change.” You are just the only one YOU can change. You can’t change him.
You have the right to feel righteous anger and jealousy. What he is doing, from what you are describing, is not appropriate – even if it isn’t sexual. It is opening the door wide to much temptation.
God may show you that He wants you to set some boundaries if your husband is unrepentant about this other relationship in order to begin to promote healing.
God is right there, my precious sister. But He may have bigger things in mind than just “fixing the marriage.” He wants your whole heart. And your husband’s whole heart. There is no use in Him fixing the marriage if He is not squarely on the throne of your life.
Your marriage is absolutely salvageable. But you can’t fix it. You can’t save your husband. You can’t change him. You can’t force him to make the right decisions. Ultimately, this is all about you and God.
If you are willing to allow God total control and access to your heart and your life – I promise you that He will heal you. And then, He will begin to breathe healing and life into your marriage. This is going to take time. A lot of time.
You can certainly apologize for any part you played in not meeting your husband’s needs and not being there for him. I would suggest reading “Apologizing Stories” first. And then, your main focus will have to be your own life and you becoming the woman God calls you to be – primarily just to please God and to be close to Him. This is an opportunity to learn the sufficiency of Christ and that He alone is EVERYTHING you need and that your security and identity must be totally in Him no matter what your husband is or is not doing.
Please check out the wife’s story and comments on this post:
My Husband Wanted a Divorce and read LMSdaily115’s comments. I pray that her story might greatly bless you.
And, please check out “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
And
How Do You Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit?
And
Overcoming Anger, Rage, and Sin
Much love!
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Thank you again! You truly are the Blessing I needed right now. I have many things going through my heart right now but I’m going to take a step back – read through your suggestions and let it all “sit” for a while. When my kids were little I heard mom at a play group say 2 things that stuck with me when my kids were little… I’m bringing them back as my daily, every minute mottos – 1) This is my chance to show God’s Grace on earth! and 2) Let Go and Let God!! I wanted my husband to say…. I don’t want to go on a Christian Retreat, but let’s the 2 of us still go away together… he didn’t. Perhaps he’s not ready, perhaps that’s a long way away… but for now, I’m going to “Let Go and Let God!”
I said a Prayer for you and all the other Bloggers who give such support and inspiration! Thank you for all you do!
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HELLO ,MY HUSBAND JUST TOLD ME HE IS INLOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND HE WONT STOP TALKING TO HER ON HIS CELL PHONE, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ,THIS WOMAN IS MARRIED AND THEY HAVE BECOME CLOSE BECAUSE SHE IS IN A ABUSIVE MARRIAGE ,HE SAYS SHE LISTENS TO HIM AND I DONT ,THE PAIN IS TO MUCH ,I PARAY EVERY DAY FOR GOD TO CHANGE THE SITUATION I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
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Annette,
Goodness, what a painful situation! 😦
How is your walk with Christ going?
Does your husband realize what he is doing is wrong? Is he willing to stop talking to this woman?
Do you have any godly Christian counselor you trust that you can speak to?
Much love to you!
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Hi Ladies,
I know in the past I have idolized my husband. I now understand his concern that he “can’t make me happy”, that I have a responsibility to find my own happiness. I agree with this. However, I think sometimes he goes to the other extreme (maybe he’s hyper-sensitive now?) and if/when I’m upset about “normal” things, he avoids me or tells me I should talk to my counselor. I’ve brought this up in our marital counseling and thankfully our counselor (who is Christian) has emphasized the importance of the husband being the rock and strength of the relationship. I think my husband struggles with this and I’m sure my dominant personality didn;t help in the past.
I also find that now that I’m on the surrendered journey any my husband knows this, that he takes the whole submission thing extremely, too. For example, when I’ve expressed that I don’t understand something (a decision he’s making, perhaps), he will say, “it’s not for you to understand”. This can be very hurtful and I feel like he takes any opposing view I may have as being defiant. I would love to have a Godly marriage and want to get to the point where I trust my husand 100% and have NO problem deferring to him but I sometimes feel like he plays the Authoratarian vs. Authoratative role. This makes it very hard to trust that he has my best interest in mind (As God demands the husband die to self for their wives and for wives to submit to their husbands). It often doesn’t feel “loving” when he makes decisions, it feels more like dictating. I know that he may be spreading his wings as well, as I feel like he’s unsure on how to be the leader so I try to take this into consideration.
The other part about not pursuing is hard too because he has stated that he wants me to initate more affection. Doesn’t this go against pursuing him less? It seems for the past year, I’ve initiated affection (hand holding, etc.). He never rejects it, but after a while, this can be disheartening.
However, this whole sitatuion has been extremely challenging because we have been living separately for the past 3 months, his choice., I know I still have to honor our marriage and him as my husband, but how do I not feel resentful that he still demands this but yet doesn’t want to live under the same roof? He wants me to honor his decision to live separately, have our daughter stay with him every other weekend but yet still go to church and do everythig as a family (he usually comes over every day…and I’m thankful). We have 17 month old daughter as well, he’s a great father. I pray for patience and try to focus on God’s bigger plan but its hard.
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Novembergirl,
There is often a bit of a “pendulum effect” on both sides when a couple begins to try to heal their marriage. We tend to swing too far one way (too much control) to too far the other way (too passive), or too indecisive to too dominating. Both husbands and wives have their own learning curve they face as they seek to allow God to change them.
I don’t really like the “it’s not for you to understand” approach. That is a bit too much like a parent/child relationship rather than a king/queen relationship, in my view. There are some men who believe that if their wife disagrees with them at all, that is disrespectful. I don’t agree with that. If we always agreed, we wouldn’t have to submit – we would just agree! I don’t see anywhere in Scripture where God commands wives to agree with their husbands on everything.
Have you thanked him for his attempts at leadership and appreciated the things he is doing well? Have you respectfully, gently shared that certain approaches feel more like dictating and less loving?
What does the counselor suggest?
If he wants you to initiate more affection, that is awesome! In many couples, the wife is the primary initiator of affection. If he doesn’t reject it – I vote to take it as he enjoys and appreciates it.
Was there much affection in his home when he was growing up?
What does the counselor suggest about your husband wanting to live separately and how things are going with your husband’s leadership?
I do think separation can sometimes be a very necessary step in healing and reconciliation. Sometimes this is a slower process than we would like. But – my prayer is – that as your husband sees that you are working on your end and that you are cooperative and open to honoring his leadership – you will both figure out a healthy way to approach each other – especially with the help of your counselor.
Much love to you!
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Hi April,
I agree with you and can see the pendulum effect completely! I’m hoping over time, we can find a happy medium. I have not felt too comfortable yet expressing to him how I feel about his approach…still praying and trying to find the best time and approach so that he receives my message. We go to a parenting class at our church and I honestly feel like he approaches me with the same techniques we discuss in our class and that is exactly why sometimes I feel like he is treating me like a child. I do agree there are some parallels when submitting to your husband…but like you mentioned, a king/queen dynamic would be awesome.
To answer your question, his mother was very doding and he is generally much more affectionate than me (gives his friends hugs, etc.). I came from a very non-affectionate family, so it is much harder, I believe, for me to initate affection. Its something I’m working on and that we’ve talked about it (I was also sexually abused as a child). I just feel like its one more thing I’m being critiqued on. However, I love affection with him and feel sad when he doesn’t initiate it anymore but I know that probably coincides with where our relationship is right now.
Our counselor isn’t “pro-separation” however, he is working with us to rebuild.
I appreciate your suggestion on thanking him and I do try to find opportunities to thank him even for little things.
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Novembergirl,
Have you talked with your counselor about your feelings about your husband’s approach? I love that you want to pray about your approach to him and how to best share your concerns with him. That is wise. 🙂
Leaders do need to be able to lead. But – they do not have to be tyrants or “lord their authority over” those in their care as the pagans do. At first, it can be really difficult for husbands and wives to find the right balance, especially if they are from very dysfunctional backgrounds. Doing anything differently will “feel wrong” at first. I pray God will give you and your counselor wisdom about how to navigate all of these things and find the right balance for your marriage that honors Christ. That is the ultimate goal – for each of you to seek to honor Christ.
Does your husband know that initiating affection is difficult for you?
It is frustrating and overwhelming to feel constantly criticized. Sometimes, wives of “command men” feel this way a lot. Here is a post from a wife in a similar situation.
I love your heart to want to draw near to Christ and your humility and willingness to learn. When I see this kind of attitude, I know God is about to do some amazing things. 🙂
Much love! And a BIG hug!
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Dear Peacefulwife,
Thank you for your post, for the past few weeks I’ve been on a strange and frustrating journey through the dark forest of my own emotions, doubts, fears, wants, and temptations. I’ve been roaming the interenet in search of an answer in hopes to find what is wrong with me, why the sudden imbalance in my relationship with my husband, why the resentment, dissatisfaction and why he seemed so irritating suddenly after 7 years of being together in a seemingly cloudless relationship. I was suddenly snappy, needy, and clingy. He was suddenly more and more withdrawn and resistant to my claims. I read everything from limerence symptoms to descriptions of mental illnesses to see what matched my condition.. Nothing seemed to align completely with what was going on in my inflamed mind. I’ve been asking God to help me through this and well then I came across your post…
I have a lot of work to do.
And I admit, reading your post made me feel a certain inner resistance to admitting that I am the one who is wrong. It’s so much easier to dwell on how my husband is ignoring my needs and is not delivering what I expect of him. It’s almost morbidly pleasant to mentally review all the things I’m deprived of emotionally with the sick justification that he’s the one responsible of my emotional fulfillment.
Meanwhile I’ve turned into your classic case of a passive aggressive, nagging wife.
I am exhausted and disgusted with myself. I am still internally resistant like a student who doesn’t want to get up for a class in which he knows he has to be.
But your writing gave me clarity. I finally know in which direction to proceed with all these emotions I’ve collected. I know what I have to work on. It’s like a fog has been lifted from my eyes and a certain peace came to me after weeks of rollercoaster emotions.
I believe God led me to this page to clearly state to me what it is I’m doing wrong before it’s too late.
So, thank you onve again for your words.
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Hi, your post has really helped me tonight. My husband and I had an argument that was very different from other arguments. I would love to share my experience if you are willing to hear me out and perhaps provide some feed back. Thank you and God bless you.
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Brenda Silva,
Of course you are welcome to share. I will do my best to point you to Christ, my sister. 🙂 Much love!
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I have a question about the list that I am not sure I am completely positive what it means.. Pursue… What would it look like for me to pursue my husband? And what would it look like to not? Also what would it look like for a husband to pursue a wife? When you say in the same list, it’s not good to pursue but then also say still try to meet his needs I am not sure I know the difference. If someone could clear this up for me it would be SO helpful
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Emma,
My definition of a wife pursuing her husband in unhealthy ways is for her to idolize him, to believe that she needs him to do certain things for her in order for her to be able to be content. It is for her to make him responsible for her happiness and then try to force him to do what she wants him to do for her. It would involve being “enmeshed” many times – which is what I used to be with Greg and it is what A Fellow Wife used to be with her husband.
There are ways we can bless our husbands that are healthy. We can do things for them just to honor them or be a blessing without strings attached and without expectations of reciprocity. There are times a wife can approach her husband for cuddling or for sex that would be welcomed by her husband. But in this post, this wife was trying to demand and force her husband to do things for her and to love her as she wanted him to – that is not going to work.
Does that make sense?
A husband can idolize his wife or be enmeshed with her, and that would also be unhealthy. But a husband can pursue his wife in a healthy way where he invites her to do things with him or he comes and hugs her or takes her hand and leads her to go for a walk, to pray together, or even to the bedroom.
Please check out these posts for greater clarification:
A Fellow Wife Thinks about Giving Space
Closeness in Marriage is Not What I Expected
Oneness in Marriage – Not Too Close, but Not Too Far Away
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I need help. My husband is very distant and withdrawn. He rejects me sexually and watches porn too. I am so sad and hurt, but he says he doesn’t care I am hurt. He says that at some point, exhaustion and frustration and stress override love and commitment (he says he still loves me). He says the reason is because I treat him badly. The way I see it is I get really frustrated with his behaviors like coming home late, or not looking at me when I talk, so I bring it up, to fix it, and then there is a fight (I just wanted a conversation, but he defends himself, and that makes me upset because I bring these things up because I think they are not right, that there is no excuse). So he says my anger and sadness when I talk about things like this is treating him badly, and wasting his time and energy. I am so sad he does not care about my feelings. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t been close to God for a long time and I don’t know if I am ready. I saw on your site the book the surrendered wife is remember as well as the book love and respect. Should I purchase these books? What helped you the most?
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enchantedalexandra,
I can feel your pain so clearly in your words. 😦 When I began this journey to become a godly wife, my husband was extremely shut down, didn’t want to talk with me, didn’t look at me, didn’t want to be in the same room with me. It hurt so much! What I didn’t realize was that the way I reacted to my pain actually deeply wounded my husband and drove him away from me.
I do think there is every reason for hope in Christ for you to heal spiritually on your own and for your marriage to heal, my dear sister. 🙂 I have seen God transform hundreds of women and marriages all over the world.
What would you like in your relationship with God?
What would you like in your marriage?
If you are willing, I can point you to the baby steps toward Christ that will bring complete spiritual and emotional healing for you and that can begin to empower you to pour God’s healing into your marriage.
What are the general dynamics in your marriage? Do you tend to be more controlling or more passive? Does your husband tend to be more controlling or more passive?
Much love to you!
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Hello,
Well we had a conversation last night and it turns out I am really demanding and controlling, and the reason is I don’t trust him. What I would most like to see in my marriage is him pursuing me instead of me pursuing him. I am also dealing with sexual rejection a lot and he says it is because he just doesn’t want to be near me because he feels I disrespect his work, and I am insulting of him.
I am been reading your site and starting to understand that what I need to do is to trust him, and hold back my feelings when I am hurt, but this is so hard. I feel like I would just be a floor mat if I never stood up for the things that bother me. So I try to force him to listen and force him to sympathize. Now I am just trying to see things from his point of view.
As far as God my grandma introduced me to the love of Christ when I was 3 and then she died in a few months and I was brought up without religion. We named our son Theodore and that means gift from God and I feel like God has shown himself again to me through him. But my biggest problem is I don’t trust God, I only see him though my son and nowhere else. I look at the problems in the world and the deterioration of my own quality of life and it’s hard to believe in a merciful providing God that loves me and will take care of me. I am really novice in all this. I guess what I need is my faith in God restored, but it is really hard because I can always point at something and ask why is this bad? Why did God not care about this or that which causes so much suffering? (similar to the way I few my husband actually)
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I just don’t understand how I am suppose to have faith in him when he says he doesn’t want me because I am not happy or fun anymore since we had our son. That he sees happy and fun girls all day long while he’s at work and he is tempted, that he doesn’t want to come home. I am not wanted and I am not loved unconditionally, doesn’t that mean our marriage is over? It’s hard to give up on sonone you love so much, but I am not wanted.
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enchantedalexandra,
You may not be able to trust your husband right now in every possible way. He is human, and sinful, after all. But you can learn to trust God completely and you can be filled up with Him to overflowing. God can change your heart, mind, and soul – and as He changes you, He can bring much healing to your husband and your marriage. You can’t make your husband love you unconditionally. But you can influence him in a godly way instead of in a sinful, self-sabotaging way. Perhaps God will use you to draw your husband to Himself on this journey, too. God can convict him of sin. God can empower him to love you unconditionally. You can make this easier or harder for your husband. If you continue the approach you are using, you will continue to repel him away from you. Or you can begin to implement God’s wisdom and His approach which will help to encourage him to come back to you.
Much love!
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enchantedalexandra,
I’m so glad you had a talk last night.
I would like to get you the things you want in your marriage. I can totally understand that you want your husband to be sexually attracted to you again. He has some issues he needs to work on, too. And I believe that as you focus on allowing God to radically change you to become more like Christ by the power of His Spirit, He can bring healing to your husband and to your marriage.
It sounds to me like you have expressed your disappointment and all of your frustration and all of the things that bother you to your husband already at this point – would you say that is correct? So right now, he is very much aware of everything you don’t like about him.
My guess, based on what you are describing, is that he is “drowning in shame” and feels paralyzed and so repelled by your approach that he can’t move toward you until things change. If a man is drowning in shame, and his wife lets loose on him about all of the ways he is a failure to her – to him, it can feel like she is pushing his head under the water when he is barely able to breathe already. This is how my husband felt for a long time, and I had no idea. 😦 All of my constant complaining, negativity, condemnation, and criticism made him completely shut down and shut me out. He didn’t want to touch me, look at me, listen to me, or be in the same room with me when I began this journey. I kept trying to force him to love me and plug back in, but my disrespectful, controlling approach made him shut down and try to protect himself from me. He was not safe with me. 😦
The great news is – this is fixable!
You don’t have to be a doormat. There are respectful ways you can address your concerns. But right now, your husband knows all of your concerns. Right now, he needs to stop feeling attacked and disrespected so that he can begin to feel safe and want to open back up to you again.
What do you believe about God’s character? What do you know about Jesus and what He has done for you? I’m so thankful for your Grandma. 🙂
What was your dad like? What was your relationship with him like?
If you are willing to start on a journey toward trusting God and toward healing your marriage, I know the way and would be glad to walk beside you. I can’t do the hard work. I won’t force or pressure you. I will do my best to point you to Christ and to the healing that is available in Him. As He heals you, your husband will eventually be able to heal a lot, as well.
God is sovereign – so He is in control of all things. BUT He also gave people free will. He didn’t want robots who had no choice but to love Him. The thing about free will is that it has a very high price tag. People can choose to sin and to hurt other people. And then the planet is also under a curse because of our sin – that is the reason for the storms and earthquakes and diseases. But the amazing thing is that God is even able to use the bad things ultimately for good purposes. God DOES care very much about all of the people He made and about our suffering. Would you be interested in more info on this? Until you know that God is good, it is impossible to trust Him.
Much love to you!
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Hi April!
It’s been a few months since I’ve posted and so much has been happening! I got a notification in my email that new posts were made to this thread and I feel like it came at the perfect time. Reading my older posts has helped put things back in perspective and see how much progress has actualy been made because I’ve been starting to feel overwhelmed and down.
First off, I’m in the process of moving into my husband’s apartment. I know this is GREAT news and I’m so thankful that our separation is coming to an end. However, this is where I need help. We have continued to do counseling and are participating in a “love and respect” series at church but I still feel my husband’s reservations. He expressed his reservations in our counseling session last night, and it was very painful to hear. Although I should be excited and happy to moving in with him, I can’t help but feel sad and hesitant because I don’t feel totally welcome.
I feel so conflicted because I thought when this day came, I would be so relieved and happy. All this fear and doubt can’t be good in any way. I had asked if he could make me a copy of the key since I will be sleeping at his place starting tonight but he said that his mom (who has been staying with him since our separation) would give me her copy when she leaves next week…meaning that I don’t even get my own key in the meantime (supposedly its prohibited to copy the key).
One of your replies explained that the way in which you would react to your pain was really off-putting to your husband and I think that this is something that my husband may be experiencing from me too. It has come up in counseling and I’m realizing that my “claws” can come out quickly when I feel hurt. It’s so unnatural and hard for me to become more vulnerable when I’m in a state of hurt.
I feel that my husband can be critical and that he focuses on my downfalls and downplays or overlooks the improvements or efforts that I make.
Any feedback on all of this would be super helpful. I dont’ know if I”m just generally overwhelmed by this process, hormonal from my pregnancy or just being tainted by the enemy. Maybe it’s a little of everything.
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novembergirl,
It’s great to hear from you!
Congratulations that you are moving back in. 🙂 I vote to rejoice over that.
There are many places where keys may not be duplicated, so I can see where that may be a legitimate issue.
Yes, it is very natural to lash out verbally and with our facial expressions and tone of voice when we are hurt. But the awesome thing is God can empower us to learn not to do that so that we respond with His gentleness, love, patience, and self-control. If you want a bit more help with that, please just say the word! 🙂 I have been on this journey myself. It was not easy – but in time, it becomes natural to respond in the power of the Spirit rather than in the sinful, destructive power of the flesh. Praise God for His willingness to transform us!
My guess is that your husband’s reservations are based in fear. Instead of allowing his fear to infect and discourage you – I vote to focus on your walk with Christ and to allow God’s joy, peace, love, honor, patience, respect, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control to overflow from your spirit in great abundance. As he sees you responding in godly new ways instead of your old destructive patterns, he will feel more safe in time.
It is difficult to respond graciously if someone is very critical. What does the counselor suggest about how to deal with that? What kinds of things is he usually critical about? Would you like to talk about that? We can take our husband’s criticisms of us to God and embrace the ones that are of Him and we can choose to reject the things that are not of God. Sometimes God uses our husbands to help us grow in spiritual maturity through their comments. Other times, their comments may not have merit, but we can still use those things as opportunities to respond with gentleness (Prov. 15:1) and in the power of the Spirit, knowing the battle is not really against our husbands but it is a spiritual battle if our husbands have a critical, negative spirit. We can fight that battle in prayer.
Congratulations again on your pregnancy! 🙂 Hormones can make things much harder. And the enemy is not going to like you reconciling. There will be obstacles. You are always welcome to talk with me any time. I pray you will seek God wholeheartedly and allow Him to radically transform you to be more and more like Christ no matter what your husband is or is not doing.
Much love!
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“Men respond much better to respect and a joyful, cooperative attitude, than angry demands.”
This… so much of this. As a husband, it is a ridiculous waste of effort to take the lead when your spouse is either balking at your leadership, or worse, actively working to undermine it. If every time you try to do something you are met with resistance, it gradually becomes easier to simply close your mouth and do it yourself then to put forth the emotional effort to try to engage with your wife. What’s worse still, is that it isn’t always (or even normally) about big things. Here is an example of what I mean.
Money is tight for most people these days, and many of us have had to ‘tighten our belts’ just to make it financially. So, as part of an effort to save money, I suggested that my wife and daughter work together to come up with a menu each week for dinner, and that we do our shopping for the week in one trip, aside from incidentals. Not only would this save money, but would save my wife time and energy and help train some good habits into our daughter. Yet, no matter how I tried, my wife refused. Even while acknowledging that it was a great idea and that we needed to do it, she would balk at actually doing it. We waste money on gas, wasted food, unnecessary purchases, etc.. which leads to more frustrations regarding money.
As a husband, though, the effect is more profound. This, along with many other such seemingly simple things, only reinforces in my own head that my wife does not respect my attempts at being the head of the house. So, after a while, you start to think ‘what’s the point?’
My wife loves me, and I know that she loves me. I love her more than any other living person, as well. But the lack of respect….it really hammers on our peace and happiness as a couple.
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ravaught,
I can completely understand your perspective now – I believe. But for those first 14 years of our marriage, I would have had no clue what you were talking about. I wasn’t purposely controlling or contentious. I had no idea I was even being disrespectful. It has been my experience here, after over 40,000 comments, that most wives don’t realize most of the disrespectful things they do or the things their husbands feel undermine their leadership. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Love and Respect, talks about the “scales of disrespect” falling off of wives’ eyes as they read his book. That is what happened to me. I was so clueless!
My hope is that your wife may be in the same boat I was in, that so many wives are in, that she may not realize what she is doing. If she truly realized what she was doing, I believe she wouldn’t do it. I believe if she knew the damage the disrespect was doing and knew what it means to respect and honor you, she would want to learn. It is a LONG road for a wife to learn to do these things well, particularly in our culture. But I pray for God to work in both of you for HIs glory. I pray you will not give up or get discouraged and that God will give you both His wisdom and healing.
Thank you for your masculine perspective, I believe it will be a blessing to many wives. Sometimes hearing from another husband helps things click for some of us.
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Hi,
Its been sometime since I’ve written in. My husband and I ended our separation and I (and our kids)have moved in with him. Its been hard, but we’re adjusting. My problem is I feel he constantly criticizes me and blames me for putting him in a bad mood. Its as if I can’t react to the mean and selfish things he does and says to me. I can’t be a doormat. I’ve been praying, trying to see things from his perspective but it’s hard when he’s not doing the same and he sees no problem with that. Its as if everything is about him and his feelings. Sometimes, I wonder if I should just leave.
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Chante,
I hope you might check out Healthy VS. Unhealthy Relationships, perhaps that might be helpful. You are responsible to please and honor Christ. You are responsible for your emotions, your spiritual growth in Christ, and your sin. You are responsible to treat your husband well in God’s sight, but you are not responsible for his mood or his emotions or his sin.
Please also check out “25 Ways to Respect Myself.”
How is your walk with Christ going?
How do you respond when he is so harsh and critical? I hope you might also check out this post about that topic.
Congratulations on moving back together. I pray for God’s wisdom and healing for you both!
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Thank you, for the posts you suggested for me to read, they really helped me.
My walk with Christ is good, I’ve never felt closer to Him. I think one of the problems is he’s not interested in having a relationship with Christ right now (his words). Your post healthy vs unhealthy relationships really stood out to me. I feel like whenever I express my negative feelings no matter what the issue he blows up and it makes me feel like it’s intentional like almost manipulative to keep me from speaking up. I’ve tried different ways in approaching him when I have a concern, like expressing to him how I appreciate his hard work before telling him my problem but it’s all the same. Sometimes, I feel like he thinks he’s better than me because he has said he can afford this house by himself and that he makes decent money. Granted, I work part time at a retail store as well as going to school for nursing. It doesn’t make me feel needed.
Last night, he was upset over a joke I made and wanted me to apologize despite him laughing at the joke. I in turn said, when do you ever verbally apologize to me and he proudly said I show you. That bothers me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m bowing down to him.
Thanks again for the posts!
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Chante,
Have you read any of the posts about how to reach an unbelieving husband? I have a number of those. Here is one wife’s story from this past week. If you need more posts, let me know. I Peter 3:1-2 is the most powerful way God gives us to reach a husband who is in rebellion to Him. We don’t talk about spiritual things or lecture, preach, or tell them what to do. We allow our attitude, respect, and Spirit-filled life to be our “sermon.” Men can hear that much more than they can hear our words about spiritual things.
What kinds of problems do you want to tell him about? Would you like to give me an example and we can sort through it together? 🙂
What was the joke you made? Did he feel disrespected?
How do you approach your husband with your needs?
How are you doing with your contentment in Christ? What kinds of things do you pray for?
Much love to you! 🙂
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Hi April,
It was such a blessing to come across this website after separating from my husband for just over two months. I had kicked him out of my home and in hindsight it was out of resentment and anger . I have 3 children from a previous relationship , while my husband have 2 children who don’t live with us ( in their 20s). I always felt in my heart my husband had never really tried to build a relationship with my other 3 children. We also have 2 children together so we are a blended family of 7 children.
It hasn’t been easy , but I always did my best to treat all the children as equals , and I would feel it was hard for him to always show emotion to my other 3 children, but always easy to show it for his own . I put this down to his upbringing and being raised by a step father he did not have a good relationship with.
We have been together for about 15 years and 5years this year would be how long we have been married.
After reading your post, it helped me address my own sins and my selfish behaviour in our relationship. Instead of working on myself, I would always demand, bicker, belittle him an I feel like such a fool.
5 years ago my father had a heart attack and culturally in our custom the older daughter takes care of the parents. So I had asked my parents to move in with us. They have been a tremendous help to our children and home. I guess I never really considered how my husband would feel .
I’ve done all of the horrible things, nag, manipulate and try and force a conversation, and push and use my children to try and get him back in the past , and I know It has been so wrong.
I’m currently seeking counselling and speaking to people at Church to help me heal and with the right guidance, and I’m a work in progress.
After not being at home for 2 months, my husband decides to call whilst drunk to tell me how much he missed me and the kids, but then in the same breath went on to verbally abuse me and tell me he still hated me and cannot forgive me for telling him to leave.
To cut a long story short, he wanted to meet up , to which I agreed and for the first time in a long time we started to communicate and talk about what we have been up too and our goals etc. He told me he’s too selfish but he doesn’t think he can move back into my home whilst my parents are living with us. But my parents are both sick and elderly and I can’t put them out. We ended up sleeping together and realised he still loves me , because he told me and that he needed time. I came home and started crying , because
1: I didn’t want to feel I was just a booty call
2: I realised I was no better off in my situation , regardless of us sleeping together
3: I didn’t realise the impact it would have on me emotionally , and financially on having me raise my children without his help , and just how hurt our children ( especially our younger two in our relationship)
Meeting him was great and I was feeling hopeful for our future and he seemed genuine in wanting to be open to dating me again and meeting up again on a fun date.
But then 3 days later, and I know it was wrong I had logged into his Facebook account , and found out he had been messaging an old friend in another state and mentioned how he was ” Officially single, and so he though he would reach out for a chat” . To say I was hurt would be putting it mildly. Out of hurt I decided to confront him and call him excessively demanding he tell me what was going on, and asking him if he was just stringing me along.
It’s now been 5 days and I have realised the excessive texts, threatening to leave him for good, pushing him to divorce ( even though I don’t want it) has come to no avail. So I know by this post these are all the things I have been doing. So it was of great comfort for me to read and realise I have not been alone, so I don’t feel like a complete fool, too blinded by husbands faults that I couldn’t see my own.
Now ready some of the steps I’m going to be applying them and hopefully find some peace in my heart. I have been praying excessively for healing and restoration . I had watched WAR ROOM and it had resonated so much in my life, and realised I was tired of fighting my own battles with the wrong weapons. So I have now been praying and want to buy a journal to document all my prayers for my husband and family and begin the next steps in ready the bible and listening to Gods voice in my heart.
So wherever you are in the world I know I may not know you each and individually , but can I put in a simple request to please intercede and pray for me , for my husband and for restoration of my marriage.
Thank you for letting me post, and feel free to ask any questions , it helps me heal also.
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Gemini Lee,
Goodness, such a painful situation!!!! 😦
Does your husband know Christ?
I pray for God’s wisdom and healing for you, your husband, your marriage, and your family. I pray for you both to be able to repent of any sin and to allow God’s Spirit to fill and empower you to be the husband and wife God calls you both to be.
Check out this post, it may be helpful.
Much love to you!!!!
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Hi April,
Yes my husband know Christ,and we would go to church together and our non negotiable would be, that no matter what if we argued or were tired we would still go rain, hail , or shine. Things weren’t the best but when we decided to commit to this things were ok.We understood that the devil would always find a way to cause dis-harmony amongst the family always on Sunday. This was ok for awhile until the weather became too cold to get up in the morning, and he suggested we go at a later time, and in my selfishness I said no and we would fight and argue and eventually he stopped going to church altogether, and rather than take the kids and attend church, I felt deflated and would stay home too.
Now I’m starting to go back to church and have been praying daily and even thinking of praying together with fasting. I’m so hurt and heartbroken. I sent him and email confessing to him all my sins, that I hadn’t realised until I read your blog. That was 5 days ago an I know God is slowly revealing to me more sins, that to be honest is even more hurtful knowing I behaved terribly throughout my marriage.
A church elder who has been such a great wise counsellor , encouraged me to not give up on my marriage or my husband, and that I must be patient and wait on God. She advised me, if you love him you need to fight and be prepared that you might not get back together immediately or at all. But that I should keep praying as God loves us both the same, and I should be aiming to at least win my husbands soul for God and for his purpose.
I’m still hurting , but optimistic that I know there is so much truth in her words, and reading and praying .The church elder has reached out to him, and is not reaching out to help me, but to actually guide him and see where he is at with his faith and his journey.
You blog has been so helpful to me through this difficult time, and thank you for praying for us.
XX
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Gemini Lee,
I’m so glad you are seeking God and that you want to get rid of anything displeasing to God in your life. That is painful -but it is a very critical step in healing!
I’m also glad that your husband has someone reaching out to him, and that you have a godly counselor.
I pray that God will give you wisdom about how to take each baby step toward Him and toward healing for yourself and for your marriage, my dear sister! I pray for Him to continue the good work He has begun in you. I know that you are hearing Him already and can’t wait to see all that He has in store!
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Thank you for this wonderful message ,i am currently experiencing thw same scenario wherein i pushed my husband into limit that he asked for space and time and right now he asked me to stop sending him message first and let him ..but i dont know till when..😩
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U r article is exactly what I needed to read to night. I was thinking about giving space to my husband, an tired of telling him my needs. It makes me feel too needy and I do t like it. I will try this from now . Thank u for sharing.
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Sam,
You are most welcome, if you need to talk, please let me know. Some related posts are linked at the bottom of this post about being too enmeshed or overly attached to our husbands.
You are also welcome to search my home page for related posts involving words like:
– fear
– bitterness
– control
– how to make your husband an idol
– feel unloved
– needy
– closeness
– separation paradox
– contentment
– insecurity
– security
The posts about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page may be an interesting glimpse into how differently men think – that often brings some lightbulb moments for wives, as well.
Much love to you!
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please continue encouraging me am dying inside……i hurt so much…please pray with me…..your email has really touched me
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Zee,
Would you like to talk about what is going on, my dear sister? I will do all I can to point you to the healing and hope there is for you in Christ Jesus. 🙂
Much love to you!
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What if husband has problem with alcohol, seeks massages by 2 women, and frequents strip clubs,??
Should I still respect him?
While I’m home with 4 young children??!??
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Erica,
Goodness, such a painful situation! These are things I would classify as severe issues. The post was not written for wives in such situations – most of the posts on my blog about relating to our husbands are not either. God’s Word still applies. I believe you can treat your husband with respect and dignity, not because he deserves it, but because of Christ living in you and your godly character. But that does not meant you need to respect sin. You can also respect God, yourself, your marriage covenant, and your children. That means there are limits to what behavior you will tolerate.
Let me back up a bit, please, sorry about that! Would you be able to tell me a bit more? Is your husband dealing with alcoholism? Are there any mental health issues or other addictions in the marriage? Any abuse? Would you like to talk a bit about how you usually try to approach him about these things that are so upsetting? Is he willing to get help? Has he ever repented? Have you had any counseling?
I’d love to recommend Celebrate Recovery if he is addicted to alcohol.
How is your walk with Christ? If you need godly counsel about handling the issues in your marriage, I would encourage reach out for the help you need from an experienced, wise counselor one-on-one who is familiar with dealing with these kinds of things. I can help you if you are interested, in your walk with Christ. 🙂 My greatest concern for you is for you to take care of you and your kids and for your spiritual healing. And then for your husband to come to repentance and salvation and a willingness to totally yield to Christ as Lord.
Much love to you!! And a huge hug!
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