Kristin’s Story – Being a Peaceful Separated Wife
This post was written by Kristin last year as she went through one of the most difficult trials a wife can experience. Her husband decided to separate from her. She completely entrusted herself to Christ. She died to self. She trusted the sovereignty of God. I walked with her and saw her experience supernatural peace even in the midst of great pain and uncertainty. What God did in her heart was and is incredibly beautiful. Kristin wrote this post I think about a year ago as she was in the middle of the fiery trial. Not every story has the “fairy tale” ending in this life that we want to happen. And yet, God is able to make something so breathtakingly gorgeous from our lives when we fully trust Him, even when we must face our deepest fears.
I know that many of you are currently separated from your husbands, or separation seems to be pending in your marriage. I would actually love to share more wives’ stories in this situation, and also widows’ stories about how God sustains them in their grief. I would like to feature more separated wives and wives facing great trials but living in faith and in the power of God’s Spirit regardless of their husbands’ response. My blog is primarily about how we become the godly women Jesus desires us to be – no matter what choices our husbands make. This is truly all about us and Christ. The ultimate goal here is not for our husbands to change, but for God to change US. It is about us knowing Christ more and more fully and about God making us more like Jesus.
If you have a story you would like to share, please leave it in the comments. Maybe God desires to use your pain and His power in your life in your darkest hour to bless many other wives and marriages? I want women to know, it IS possible, through the power of God’s Spirit, for us to have His peace that passes all understanding even when the world says it is impossible.
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My heart has been broken, I have been abandoned, and seemingly out of options.
But then…
THEN GOD.
A friend shared this quote with me as well:
“Perhaps worship is never more sweeter and worship is never more heartfelt and worship is never more honest and true than in times of trial. Because in that moment I’m not worshiping God because I think he has delivered what would make me happy. I’m worshiping God because He is God. And that is worship!” – Paul David Tripp
When I had nothing left and I chose to cry out to the Lord as my Rock, my Strength, my Rescuer, my Healer, I found all I needed and then some. Regardless of what storm is raging around me,
God is all I need.
Why is it that the most profound truths are learned while the storm rages? Why must pain be part of my growth? I keep returning to Scripture with statements like “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Cor. 9.
My marriage is teetering on a precipice.
All I would need to do to lose it is give up hope and give up faith in the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness. I am stronger than I knew and I am not about to let the enemy win this war. I have been catapulted into trusting Him more than I ever had to in the past. When I finally surrendered to His will, asked for His glory to come in this, and His good for us, I found immeasurable peace and joy that can only come from Him cocooning me with His love. Faith and trust in the Lord brought freedom when I succumbed to His gentle coaxing. He asks me to hold on loosely. When I try and trust Him with clenched fists, unwilling to let Him have whatever it is I hold most dear, I do not see all the goodness He has for me. But when I release my fingers, one by one, or when I step out off the ledge I thought kept me so safe, I am comforted by the sweet arms of Jesus that catch me softly. What I didn’t fully realize is that I was sitting in the safety net of the Lord’s hand WHILE I had been unwilling to let Him have everything. I have been my own hindrance to experiencing the full joy of resting in the Lord.
Fear is a powerful beast. It rages within my soul at its core. The enemy knows how to push my buttons and activate my fear. But over and over the Lord tells me to not to fear. The enemy rules by fear and I am sick of it.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Is. 41:10
We are commanded in Scripture to “not fear.” It is not just a suggestion, but a directive. When I feel the fear creeping in and when it threatens to overwhelm me, I pray. The enemy flees at the sound of God’s name. We wield such power through prayer! Prayer needs to stop being a last resort and should always be our first line of offense AND defense. I have spent more time in the Word and in prayer than ever during this time. I have been laid bare before the Lord, confessing my sins and repenting, and I have found my peace grow each day as I trust more in the Lord than I had yesterday.
Take God at His Word. Claim His promises!
“Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” – John 15:4-5
Having peace in the midst of a storm makes no sense, but it has been my experience. It really is a peace that passes understanding.
“The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and
fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”. – Is. 40:28-31
When at the end of the days that stretch in to weeks and weeks into months, I have Jesus, then I count myself blessed beyond measure. My external circumstances do not define me unless I let them. I choose to put my hope in Jesus and the work I know He is doing in me and my life. He is not absent – far from it – I see that He is closer to me, but always has been had I taken time to notice. I see His work in the minute details. I have seen His blessings pop up throughout this trial. Seeing these rays of light give me renewed hope and strength for the bigger work I know He is doing.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” – Romans 12:12
God is faithful. He is mighty to save. He is merciful and full of grace. Period. He is pruning me and I feel so alive. Refining is painful, but it is worth the pain. I can choose to be angry and shake my fist at the Lord, or I can collapse into His everlasting arms that shelter from the storm while giving me strength to keep on fighting; all the while opening my hands more and more to let Him hold what I was holding so close as well as receive His blessings. Rainbows only appear after a storm, a symbol of God’s promise. He does not allow storms in our lives to happen without having a promise behind them. He is molding me into His likeness. He is teaching me to trust him and walk by faith even when I cannot see the next step in front of me. He has a grip on both of us and this whole situation and He is not letting us go. So I actively wait on Him. I pursue Him, serve others, and let Him do what He pleases in and through me, so that I may reflect His light to all around me.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE
I will share an update from Kristin tomorrow. 🙂
The Peaceful Wife 
Reblogged this on Peaceful Single Girl and commented:
The real story here is about our God – how ABLE He is, how faithful He is, how true He is. We can trust Him fully. Even when we walk through the darkest storms, He is right here with us. If God is able to give my friend, Kristin, His peace as she went through this painful trial, He is able to give you His peace in the midst of your storm, too, my sisters!
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I love this…..so comforting, I have my own storm as everybody has..but knowing God has me on his mighty hand is going to sustain me…thanks for sharing xx
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JuR,
Knowing and trusting in God’s sovereignty over the storm is such a comfort and source of peace. I am thankful that no one, not even our husbands, can take us out of God ‘s sovereignty or thwart His good purposes in our lives!
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It has been two years since my wife and I separated. Her pastor has given her permission to divorce. They say that my behavior broke our marriage covenant – no affair, no violence, no physical threats. They point to emotional harm. I have sought forgiveness and the grace to be broken. Yet, no response.
I am struggling with my faith and my trust in a God that appears to be allowing this course to take place. Isn’t reconciliation and restoration key components within the gospel narrative? Why would God hardened his heart to my cries? Where is his concern for our family? I have offered my pastor(s) to work with hers to develop and oversee a biblical process. I get no response. I am alone, hurting and struggling each day without hope.
I just want answers – movement – some sign of hope beyond the empty words of my Bible.
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Dad without Hope,
My brother! How my heart aches for you both and for your children! I don’t want to see anyone go through the pain of divorce.
I obviously don’t know your wife or yourself. I don’t know where you are in your faith in Christ or where your wife is. But I do think that there may be healing for you here in some of the posts. A lot of men read my blog to “reverse engineer” things in their marriages and sometimes even in their walk with Christ.
You don’t have to walk this road alone, my precious brother. There are many here who would be glad to walk beside you and pray with you and for you. You are most welcome here. I pray you might find this to be an oasis of hope and spiritual and emotional healing in Christ. My calling is to teach women. I don’t attempt to have authority to teach over men. But – I am happy to share with my brothers and to pray with them.
I cannot begin to explain the sovereignty of God or why He opens some people’s eyes when He does and why some people continue on and end up divorcing. That is a mystery that is far too great for me. But, as a woman who used to be rather controlling, prideful, disrespectful to my husband, self-righteous, and who thought I knew best about how things should work out and thought it was my duty and responsibility to make them work out – I have learned a few things about God’s sovereignty. I have learned that He does know much more than I do. I have learned that His ways are infinitely higher than my own. I have learned that He is good and I can rest in His sovereignty even when things seem very uncertain. I have learned that understanding God’s sovereignty is my greatest key to having real peace and contentment.
God’s timing is different from our timing. That is for sure. When God woke me up to all of my sin 6.5 years ago – I was MORTIFIED. Mortified about my sin, but even more upset that I had gone on and on in it for over 14 years in my marriage. To finally see how much I had hurt my husband all that time – when I had no idea I had even been sinning – was just the most shameful moment of my life. I wanted to go live in a cave alone for the rest of my life – or to never talk to anyone again. I finally saw how wretched my motives and sin was and how I couldn’t even talk without sinning and couldn’t think without sinning. I wanted God to erase those 14 years. I asked Him WHY didn’t He open my eyes the first summer we got married and all of this started? Why didn’t Greg say I had hurt him? Why had no one confronted my pride, disrespect, and control? Why had no one confronted my unbelief in God and the idols I had in my heart – self, being in control, marriage, my husband, my happiness, children, and romance? I didn’t even realize I was a wretched sinner until December of 2008. I had accepted Christ at age 5 and had been a “good girl” all my life.
Now, of course, I understand perfectly. Now – 6.5 years later – I know that God is using my story and those 14.5 years of sin to draw thousands of people to Himself around the world. If He had shown me my sin clearly 21 years ago this week when we were first married – I would not be able to minister to wives and women (and men) the way I do.
I don’t believe that God is hardened to your cries – unless you are cherishing sin in your heart. I cherished so much resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness in my heart for those many early years in our marriage. God didn’t answer many of my prayers then. I had grieved His Spirit.
God gives another reason for not listening to a man’s prayers in I Peter 3:7.
I can assure you of this, my precious brother – God DOES care about you, about your wife, and about your children. And He is aware of what is going on. It may be that He desires to do much more than you have imagined through this fiery trial. It may be that this is going to be about a lot more than your marriage. Perhaps it will be similar to my story? Maybe God wants you to see how desperate your need for Him is first? I don’t know. But I do know that I used to try to find security and my identity in things other than Jesus. That was idolatry. I had my trust in things that were not Christ. To Him, that is equivalent to adultery. He showed me so much about how He deserved first place in my life, and that I was not living for Him in full submission as my Lord. I was trying to be in charge and call the shots. I was not acknowledging His sovereignty. As one of my dear single friends shared in a post recently:
First I had to see that Jesus was not my greatest desire.
Then I had to see that Jesus was my greatest desire.
I had to die to myself. I had to be willing to give up ALL of my desires, my dreams, my hopes, my plans, my wisdom, my weakness, my wretchedness, my future, my husband, my fears, my anxieties, my control… everything I am and all that I possessed – to Christ Jesus. I had to take up my cross. THEN – He allowed me to pick up His desires, His plans, His wisdom, His power, His holiness, His perfection, His love, His perspective, His sovereignty, His peace, His joy, and all that He possesses. But I had to lay down all of me first. It was a long process and involved so much wrestling as He showed me the sin in my heart and life that had to go. He didn’t just want to heal my marriage. He wanted to completely renovate my heart. First He had to tear out all the nastiness. Then He began to rebuild my thinking, my spirit, my heart, my mind, my priorities, and my life from scratch. Then He began to change my husband slowly. Then He began to slowly heal our marriage over years. It took 3.5 YEARS from the time I saw my sin and repented until my husband felt safe with me again. My husband stayed pretty shut down during that time. But I learned to depend on Christ alone and I learned that He is sufficient – no matter what my husband does or does not do. Then, God gave me a ministry to others.
If you have Christ, you have every reason for hope! But – my prayer is primarily for healing for your walk with Christ first. From that – His Spirit will overflow your life and He is perfectly able to bring healing to your wife and children in His timing in ways we cannot begin to imagine.
I join you in lifting up your wife and children in prayer – but most of all, I pray that God might accomplish His greatest purposes in your life. I pray for His greatest glory in you through this time of most intense pain and trial. Perhaps God plans to use this time to rebuild your life and to prepare a solid foundation for the godly marriage He has designed for you to have?
Much love to you, my precious brother!
Lord,
I lift up Dad without Hope to Your throne room in the highest heaven today. I praise You for Your love and provision for him. I thank You for leading him here. I know his soul is parched and dry – and he is suffering greatly. How I pray he might drink deeply from the Living Water of Christ here today. I pray He might come to You, Lord, with all his heart – and lay down his life in total surrender to You. I pray that You might spark his faith in You to grow and burn brightly. I pray for spiritual healing and cleansing for him. I pray for Your Spirit’s power, for Your courage and strength. I pray for him to see the nature of this spiritual battle and that he might see who the true enemy is. I pray that you might prune, mature, and equip him to face the battle that is already raging. I pray for Your will to be done in his life. I pray for healing for his walk with Christ. I pray for you to heal him first – and then to heal his wife and children and to make something beautiful from this awful mess. Give him the resources and the people in his life that he needs to walk in Your victory. Let him see that he can have total access to your Spirit as he submits to You and resists the devil (James 4:7-10). Give him a glimpse of the life You have planned for him. Give him a taste of how very good You are and how You can restore his soul and help him to stand in power. Let him become more and more the man You desire him to be. Use him to break through the ranks of evil and we pray that You might destroy the enemy’s plans to steal, kill, and destroy this man’s family. Let him hear Your voice clearly today. Let him follow unreservedly. Use him in mighty ways for Your kingdom.
In the Name and power of Christ,
Amen!
– Why Do I Have to Change First?
– How to Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit
– Please, God! Ask Me for Anything But This!
– Finding God’s Victory over Bitterness
– Why Should I Trust God? Why Should I Submit to His Lordship?
– Experiencing God’s Victory Over Fear
– Finding Healing for Hopelessness
– When Do I Get to Have Peace?
– Having God’s Peace in the Midst of the Storm
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Dad Without Hope, thank you for sharing your deep struggles with us. I wonder how you’re doing now?
(April, you wrote a wonderful wonderful reply which blesses me too. I wonder if he didn’t receive it, but I hope he did! Nonetheless, I thank you for it!)
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I am currently going through a seperation. It feels like a death the pain is so heavy on my heart. The sad thing is we just got married in January and I am now pregnant, we have been seperated for two months. I have tried talking with him and he gets angrier and more distant and says hurtful words, every time he pulls away I push forward. Your articles have been helpful I am now surrendering to Christ, I wish I did this sooner I just am awful at self control. The cause of separation is on my part is the sin of jealousy, fear and difficulty trusting.. And taking my will back. I have been trying to work on these things turning to God being in his word and prayer. I am struggling with the unknown, I just have to keep turning it over. I keep praying for God to soften his heart it seems like the more time that passes the more angry he gets..Any helpful tips would be appreciated thank you !
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Angela,
It is wonderful to meet you, my precious sister!
I think that many times the pain of separation or divorce can be more painful than death in a lot of ways. I can certainly understand how you are grieving and feeling so very heavy and burdened. And then add pregnancy on top of that – I’m so glad you are reaching out for help and encouragement!
Did you have reasons to be jealous and not to trust? Do you have scars from past relationships? Or was your husband truly doing things that were not trustworthy and that were inappropriate?
Would you mind sharing a bit more about “taking my will back” – you mean with God or with your husband?
What has your husband said about why he wanted to leave (I am assuming he is the one who left)?
Do both of you have a relationship with Christ?
Are there any severe issues like drug/alcohol addiction, uncontrolled mental health issues, abuse, infidelity, etc?
How do you usually try to approach him to try to get him to come back?
What spiritual support do you have around you in this time?
Much love to you, and the BIGGEST hug!
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What an uplifting story of growing faith and awareness!
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Elizabeth,
I am so glad Kristin’s story blessed you! :). She has been such a treasure to me.
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Thank you this is exactly what I need to hear today. I must remember that God is a bigger than any problem that i have and is with me always
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Sarah,
It is so hard to keep God our main focus and priority, but when we do, He gives us power and perspective and spiritual blessings that are beyond our ability to imagine. I am so glad you are putting your trust fully in Christ!!
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I have been separated from my husband numerous times in our marriage. About on 2 different occasions it lasted for a few months. I didn’t understand it then, but I understand it now. It was like I was hurting my hubby so bad and didn’t understand how badly he was hurt from all the wounds I gave him, so much arguing, tearing him down, weakening his strength. And guess what, when we were separated he was at more peace then ever. But did I truly let that separation be an eye opener, not really, I didn’t clean to God close enough. I was so focused on getting my husband back,, instead of repenting. The blessing that you can give your husband now is a change in you. If there is no peace you will only damage one another. I hated the separation process I didn’t want it, but I surely did say 100 times I wish we could separate or get a divorce. God spoke to my husband amazing things during this time and showed him how He last forever with our evil ways and doesn’t never give up on us. The separation was actually like a chance for me to get things right with God and change so that i could have my husband back. Its a chance to reflect on yourself, and spend huge amounts of time with God. And guess what I didn’t think I would ever be with my hubby again, b/c I hurt him so bad, he kinda shut me off because I hurt him so much, but I softened and made changes,the changes I made did not last when we got back together, it was the same cycle all over again. God did bring us d us back together, I wouldn’t wish separation on anyone it truly hurts, but their our many benefits that you are giving each other during this time, and faith, love, and humility of knowing you are wrong for some things is what will bring you closer to God and your husband.
At those particular times, my husband was an idol in my heart, but for some reason, the more time I spent with God, that since of my husband is all I want right now decreased, I was more content with just God, b/c He was really all I had.
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Sharon,
What God is doing in your life is so beautiful! Thank You very much for sharing. I know your story will bless many other wives, too. 🙂
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I too am separated from my husband . My husband chose to seperate , I am devestated and I have fear and unimaginable sadness , I am leaning on The Lord and being closer to him but satan has a way of making me fearful and sad and depressed .
I would love to know Kristin’s story , thankyou for this post I needed this today . I am focusing too much on wanting my husband back , I’m obsessed about it , he won’t talk to me and its killing me . Lord please help me through this .
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Alissa,
I am SO SO sorry for your pain! Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong covenant, and we are one with our husbands. To tear all of that apart is to rend our very souls and hearts.
You are right that Satan wants to keep your focus on your husband, your fears, your lack, the storm, the waves and circumstances. He does not want you to focus on Christ, because then you will have victory and be greatly useful in God ‘s kingdom.
He wants to rob you of all the spiritual treasures of heaven that Jesus died to give you full access to. Do not allow Satan to steal the joy that is yours in Christ!!! He cannot take it unless you allow him to.
You may want to search the terms – idol, idolatry, the biggest problems in our marriages, discontentment, insecurity, security, contentment, lordship – on my home page. I believe these posts will point you to Christ and His power, His Word and His victory in your life.
I am right here. We can walk this road together.
I also have an email support group for abandoned wives if you are interested in joining.
Much love!
April
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I am interested in joining the support group for abandoned wives.
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I can sympathize with you & I believe I know exactly how you feel. I too am separated & have been for 17 months. In that 17 months I have clinged to God & I have spent MANY hours on my knees, but other times I tried to cling to my husband. In trying to cling to my husband, control him & show him his sins I have pushed him further away. I have acted like a crazy person through this sending numerous text telling him how wrong he is for doing this to me & my daughter, how badly he’s hurting us & how badly I miss him. I knew what I was doing wasn’t helping our situation because God has convicted me SO many times for this. I know I have been getting in God’s way & I know that my husband can’t hear God if I’m constantly trying to play God. I knew that from day one “MY DEMON” which is fear, idolatry & sometimes just plan disobedience because I want to do what I want to do is very strong. Sometimes I have resisted my demon, but more often than not I have give into my demon. I have found that on the days I resist my demon & refrain from the nagging, controlling & manipulative behavior my husband is usually more willing to have friendly conversation with me. I started trying to submit to my husband when we were still together, but the respect thing wasn’t something I practiced very often. The further I go into this journey of becoming a Godly wife the more things God reveals & shows me about my behavior. I know God is all I need, but at times my desire for my husband is so strong that I’m not content with God. When those times come I ask him to forgive me for feeling that way, to help me be content with him, wrap his arms around me & protect me. I don’t know what the future holds for either of our marriages, but I know if we stay with God we will be ok. God has a purpose for what we’re going through now & his word promises he will bring good in spite of these trial. I can’t tell you how to stop desiring your husband & putting that desire before your desire for God. I can’t tell you because I still struggle with that myself. It has helped me to seek Godly counsel or coaches me through this & is there to help when I have a question or get off track. One thing that he told me that has stuck with me is “maybe God hasn’t stepped in to change your husband yet because he waiting on you to change & be ready for that” I keep reminding myself of that because if God restores our marriages & we aren’t where we need to be we will just end up back here again. I’m not sure if anything I said helped you, but I hope that it did. I really just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone & I understand how you’re feeling. I will pray for you, your husband & your marriage.
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Thank you for this post. I have been separated for 21 months. It was not my choice and I’m standing for my marriage and my husband’s and children’s salvation. It is the most difficult, painful, time I have ever been through in my life, but also the most humbling and joyful time too. I’m not the same woman my husband left those many months ago, praise God! Not only have I had my eyes open to my many sinful ways, the depression and anxiety I had been suffering from for years has lifted. I grew up as a Christian, but it has taken walking through the fire to actually form a true relationship with Christ. I honestly don’t think I would have had my heart changed and softened if the separation hadn’t happened, Anyway, I could write a novel but I won’t. Just know that if you are separated and you cry out to the Lord, he will NOT let you down. He will be everything you need, even if it’s not everything you think you want. He will shape you and it will hurt, but if you let Him have control of your life he will turn you into a shining star for Him.
Philippians 2:15
New International Version (NIV)
15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”[a] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky
What a beautiful thought!
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Kimberly,
Thank you for sharing this! What a blessing!
If you are interested, I would love for you to write a bit more about your story for me to share as a post. Praise God for what He is doing in your life. MANY wives here have unbelieving husbands. I believe God may desire to use your story to encourage, inspire and bless them. 🙂
What God is doing in you is so beautiful!
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Kelly,
Thanks so much for sharing your story!!!!
I praise God for what He is doing in your lives! 🙂
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Wow. Definitely what I needed to hear. Feeling a bit discouraged & wondering if I’ll ever reach that moment of His genuine peace. I appreciate hearing how God is with Kristen even in the midst of her trials. Great reminder.
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Sally,
It took me months before I had God’s peace. I didn’t expect to have it, so I was really confused when I first experienced it – I didn’t know what it was! I had never felt that before. Sad, isn’t it? But God’s peace is so addictive, I never want to be without Him and His Spirit’s power again. That is for sure!
Isn’t it incredible that God is able to bless us with His peace even in the fiercest trials and storms when we look to Him and put all our trust in Him? LOVE IT!
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Please pray for me & my husband, our 5 year old daughter. We have been separated for 17 months & he has filed for divorce. I wish I had found your blog 17 months ago. I have done everything I wasn’t supposed to do these last 17 months. I have been the Proverbs 14:1 wife who tears down her own house & I had no idea how much damage I was doing. I thought if he knew how badly he was hurting me & how wrong his actions were he would stop. I didn’t realize I was the one who was wrong. I was trying to do God’s job for him & severally disrespecting my husband in the process. In my desperate attempts to try to save my marriage i crushed it & I’ve crushed my husband & pushed him further away. My heart is broken & I’m so scared. My husband has said many times he doesn’t want this, but he has filed for divorce and as far as I know he plans to continue with his plans to divorce me. I have felt that peace that surpasses all understanding but I am not able to sustain that for very long. The devil sneaks up on me so often. I tell people he puts on a white dress & grabs his bible because I don’t even realize it’s him until I’ve already made another mess & caused more damage. My husband has admitted several times that he knows this is wrong, but so far he is willing to continue going the wrong way & there’s nothing I can do to stop him. I have had a deep desire to submit to my husband & respect him since I was saved in 2010. I suffered for years with depression & other painful health problems that led me to substance abuse. My husband stood by me & tried to help me for a long time, but I just wasn’t getting better. After our separation I was told I had been miss diagnosed and the medication I was being treated with only made me worse. I am doing better now as far as my health goes i just celebrated my 1st anniversary clean from prescription medication abuse, but none of this has turned my husband back to me. I think he’s hurt that I got better without him because he tried so hard to help me. When I was so sick & so depressed sometimes I wasn’t able to do anything, but I would hit my knees & beg the Lord to help me become a blessing to my family. I have prayed that prayer so many times & I believe he is trying to do that, but I’m still struggling. My health has been a lot better through this separation, but my attitude has not. I have give this to the lord thousands of time & I kept taking it back.It is in his hands now & with God’s help I will continue to leave it in his hands, but I’m scared it’s to late now. I have put my whole heart & soul into becoming a “Godly Wife of Worth” the last couple months & I have done good, but so far the days I haven’t done good have destroyed the healing from the days I did. I know God is with me & I know he’s all I need, but how do I stop wanting my husband too. I devoted 16 years of my life to a man who I still deeply love & now he’s gone & I’m the one who pushed him away. He has completely detached from me the last 6 months & treats me as if he doesn’t even know who I am. I know God is the answer to all of this & he is all I need, but I still deeply love & want my husband. I feel so lost right now, please pray for us.
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Fire wife,
My heart breaks for you and your husband!!
I am so thankful we serve a God of grace, mercy and forgiveness. You will find a group of wives here who will encourage, pray for, inspire and bless you here. 🙂
I trust God to work in you both. I pray most of all for you to abide in Christ and for you to allow Him to change you into what He wants you to be for His glory. I pray you might be still and trust God to work in your husband’s heart without your help.
Praise God for one year off of prescription drugs that were addictive. Woohoo!
Much love,
April
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Thank u so much. I’m really scared about thr possibility of having to raise my 5 year old alone. My husband is a great father & he spends a lot of time with our daughter. I’m very thankful for that, but it’s very painful & very scary that we may never spend time together as a family. I know the bible tells us not to fear, but I’m not always able to find that peace. I’m very scared, I know God is gonna take care of me & my daughter, but I’m still very scared.
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Hi I just stumbled upon this page. I have been living separated from my husband for 2 years now. His choice. He had an affair 3 years ago for a year and the girl he had the affair with made things very messy through manipulation and control. I was willing to forgive and move forward but my husband felt we needed a separation. I eventually agreed and lived in fear this meant divorce. We finally got rid of the other girl last year. God has been with me through all this time. I truley felt the support and him changing me. Releasing me from fears and idols in my marriage that had been holding me back my whole life. I fought against this separation so much at the start but God has used this time to give Me identity in him. Given me independence I didn’t have. I have changed so much and see my husband changed too. He still is in touch a lot and I miss him terribly. My husband says his feelings have changed and he doesn’t know how to be himself or free around me. It breaks my heart.I believe God is telling me to wait for my husband but it is so hard, Christian friends say they are inspired by my strength and forgiveness. I see it as God not me. There are days I feel so sad and the loss of my husband is almost too much to bear but I still go on. I live with a seed of hope that God will reconcile our relationship. I have asked my husband if he wants divorce on many occasions but he says he doesn’t feel it’s the right path. All outward signs indicate that’s where he’s heading but I am standing strong in my faith. God is good. We have been together all my adult life together 18 years married 12, we also.had a ministry to help young teenagers and have lost that through our separation. I feel particularly sad today, can’t stop crying. I think it’s the loneliness and missing the company of my husband. I know it will pass but I give my future to The Father. I need to keep reminding myself he has me in his.arms.
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Ciara,
Goodness, y’all have ben through a LOT! I praise God for what He is doing in you!
You know what? I don’t think I would ask him if he wants a divorce anymore. He is saying that he doesn’t want one. I don’t see a need to push him for an answer just to try to get closure.
BUT, I am praying for you, my dear, precious, beautiful sister! Praying for God to bring your husband to Himself and for God’s restoration and healing for your marriage. Our God is able to do this. I have seen it happen many, many times. God loves marriage – I believe healing marriages is His will. I have no problem praying for that!
Much love to you!
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Ciara,
Yes, it definitely is God, not you! Only God can enable someone to go through that with grace and forgiveness. Such a testimony.
I agree with April about not bringing divorce up. Is it possible that your husband thinks that by you asking about it, you have given up on the marriage? Or have you been vocal about your desire to have him back?
I wonder if he knew your sadness and your desire for him if that would soften him. It’s very hard to be vulnerable like that after such hurt, and I’ve never gone through anything close to what you’ve gone through. I just know that my vulnerability to show my emotions and my strong love for my husband can change things pretty quickly. It’s like we’re both wanting the same thing, but either our pride or our fear of being rejected after saying or doing something so vulnerable leads us to just do nothing. When really, if just one of us makes that move, it can move the situation.
Maybe your husband sees your independence and it has made him feel he is not needed any longer?
Just some thoughts – that may be way off base. Sorry if so and so, so sorry for where you are. I believe God has already done a miracle, though, in that there has been no divorce and there seems to be a LOT of hope for your marriage. Praying for you now. May God comfort you and bring you hope this day!
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Yeah had a tough night last night after spending part of the day with husband, unfortunately he does know my sadness all too well. We had a conversation as we have quite a few times about us. It didn’t seem to go well as I was wanting to know if he missed living with me and being with me like I do with him. He admitted not at this time. He also said he couldn’t handle all the emotion I keep bringing to him and he wants space and no contact for the time being. He did say he loves and cares for me but just can’t do the emotional cycle we had all the time. I was devastated again at his pulling away. But I will do as he asks don’t know what else to do. I feel my husband has things he needs to deal with and maybe isn’t. Just heart broken at times.
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Oh, I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how painful this is for you. Giving our husband’s space during these times is so hard, because we want to be held and comforted and feel loved by them and they are so incapable in these times of doing that. 😦
Do you feel you’ve been able to give him a lot of space during this separation? Where basically you are not pursuing him at all, letting him be the one who initiates contact, etc.?
I am praying for you, that God will be the lifter of your head and encourage you today. Psalm 3:3
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In all honesty no I probably haven’t given him the space he wants. He wanted at the start of our separation almost 2 years ago but I lasted about a month & half with no contact but struggled so much I ended up contacting him. We’ve been in contact since – at times I would leave him alone for a week or 2 but then sometimes break it or he would contact me. He says he’s sorry for all the confusion by texting me as he finds it hard to have clarity. He wants no contact at all for now and I will have to give it to him.
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I’m so sorry, Ciara. You and your husband are in my prayers. I’m praying that God will do miracles, what else can we pray for, right? I don’t even know how to specifically pray, but I know that God knows you and your situation, knows every detail – sees the whole picture. I pray that you will be able to truly rest in His loving arms through this and that you will trust that He is in total control over this whole situation. Nothing is out of His hands, nothing has surprised Him or hindered His plan. He is doing something and whatever God is in, He is in it for good as a favorite pastor of mine says often. Even though it is so painful, He can be trusted.
I pray that God will give you abundant wisdom in your situation.
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Thank you so much for your support and prayers. I really appreciate it more than I can say. I know now that’s what I need to do trust God, have struggled putting all my trust in him and I need to finally do that now.
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Currently I’ve been separated from my husband for fifteen months. This was an abusive relationship and toxic for to stay an longer. God has grown me in ways I never couldn’t imagined. He is ever faithful. As of right now I’m raising my children as a single mom. I’m believing for my husband’s salvation. Oh and mention God is always my provider. He is much more than sufficient. I’ve learned to lean and trust him in a new way. He’s showing more and more he’s holding me not the other way around. : )
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Crystal,
What a pleasure to meet you! I am not excited about hearing what a mess your marriage was – sounds unbelievably painful. 😦
But…
I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart.
I would love to hear more about what God is doing in your life and what He has been teaching and showing you if you have time sometime.
Much love to you!
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Hi I am so happy to find a blog that will
Help the Christian woman. My husband wanted to separate after a very tough year. I am returning back home next month and have been praying that Jesus will help me and my husband with the restoration of our marriage. He has been very closed off and does not want to talk to me but I know Satan is trying to destroy my marriage and I won’t let him. My goal is to return home and give my marriage all my love and understanding. Through these three months I could not have gotten through with out the word of the Lord and I know he is strengthening me everyday and leading me into the right direction because I refuse to give up! It’s been a long hard road but I know this struggle has gotten me closer to God and I know with him all things are possible. Thank you for this forum 🙂
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I’m so glad I stumbled across this site!
I have been separated from my husband for almost 2 years now. It’s been a long, difficult pruning process for me! He is dealing with alcohol addiction and it came to a point where I believe God allowed us to separate, and not just for my safety and sanity. I had/have a lot to learn.
My husband was offered a 3 month internship back in our home state and so I spent that time seeking counsel here at home. At the end of the 3 months it was with a heavy heart I had to ask him not to come home. I spent a good part of the first year trying to force him to see things my way. I issued ultimatums, threw fits, cried… I turned into the crazy person I thought I’d never be. After all that I gave up and quit talking to him for a while, just biding my time waiting for the divorce papers. He continues to grow farther away from me and has started dating someone else. From any angle I’ve tried approaching his heart remains hard toward me and toward God.
It hasn’t been until recently that it occurred to me that this place that I’m in could be for my benefit. I’ve lost a lot in the last few years. Two siblings to suicide and the last one to a drug overdose. About 8 months ago I had a friend ask me how I wasn’t an angry mess through all of this. It stopped me in my tracks. Why wasn’t I a mess? I had every reason to be. My childhood wasn’t easy either. What made me different from my siblings? The answer is my relationship with Christ.
I haven’t always been the most faithful, the most devout Christian, but I see His hand at work in every aspect of my life through all of it. He has always been my comfort, providing a peace that truly passes all understanding. I can’t explain it! There is really no logical explanation for the peace that He comforts me with and I love that! I’m glad I found this post because I’ve felt very alone in my convictions lately.
Recently, I’ve had a lot of well intentioned friends ask me when I was going to move on. I feel like I am called to remain in my marriage. I still don’t know how I can fix it but I’m starting to see that it’s not my job to fix this. It’s my job to rely solely on God and submit to His perfecting in my life and give Him that which is out of my control. It really is a wonderful place to be. I am a single mom, working and doing the best that I can, relying on, and submitting to God more than I have ever had before, and it’s an incredibly peaceful place to be.
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Peacefulmom,
Oh wow! I’m so very sorry to hear about your marriage at this point in time and about your siblings. Goodness. 😦 It does sound like separation was a wise decision. It is such a pleasure to meet you and to see the beautiful work God is doing as He refines you in this fiery trial. WOW!!!!! I am overwhelmed by God’s goodness and the lessons He is sharing with you and how you are growing in your faith and in Christ. What a joy!!!!
If you are interested in sharing a bit of your story as an anonymous post, I believe that God may use what He is teaching you to bless many other women in similar situations. No pressure! You are welcome to take your time and pray about the idea. Even if you don’t want to share in a post, this comment is such a blessing to me. I’m thrilled to meet you. 🙂
Much love! How I pray that God will draw your husband to Himself and heal him individually, as well, and that He might continue to empower you to grow and learn and to abide in Him. Christ is sufficient. How I praise Him for who He is and that He allows us to know Him! I pray for God’s healing for your marriage – that He might make it into something very beautiful for His glory!
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I will pray about writing something. Right now I’m just so overwhelmed and so overjoyed at seeing His hand at work in my life; even at a time when I wasn’t seeking Him first. It’s difficult to articulate in an organized manner lol. My son is my greatest blessing. He’s 3 now and his name is Zachariah, which means the Lord remembers. I didn’t name him, it came to me in a dream! A few weeks after his name was revealed to me my sister called and told me she had a dream. She told me that God sent me him to me to keep me grounded through a storm. I couldn’t have imagined in my worst nightmare what was in store for me.
It’s difficult to dwell on negativity when I have a bubbly, joyful little boy looking to me for guidance and direction, and I have a duty to raise him up into a godly man. I am not strong enough on my own. Jesus is my comfort, my strength and my rock. I’m still just in awe of what He’s doing in my life. I have spent the last few months in a quiet learning stage. I call it my Mary time. I pray for my husband daily but his heart is not mine to change. I keep getting little reminders that my prayers are heard but that this is a time of change for me as well.
This is such a silly little story but I cried in joy. I have a cat. I got him as a bribe to get Zack potty trained. The cat started spraying 2 weeks before his appointment to be neutered. I’m not crazy about cats but my son loves him. One night I found myself crawling around on my hands and knees with a black light trying to find the source of the scent. At this point I had already worked a 10 hour shift and toddlers are monsters if breakfast isn’t ready on schedule. I needed sleep. It led to a moment of absolute frustration and I cried out to God and said, “Lord I know this is so incredibly silly, but I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with this, but it’s Zack’s cat. I can’t bare the thought of explaining to him why the cat has to go. So please Lord fix it!” and then I laughed at myself for praying about a cat.
The day after his appointment I was in the bathroom taking off my makeup after work when the cat strolls in, hops on the toilet and does his business! In the toilet! He hasn’t sprayed since and, and he goes in the toilet! It’s the silliest, most ridiculous thing but it warms my heart and brings me to tears. Who am I that God cares for me so much that He hears me?! It’s just a silly little prayer about a cat, but it’s a beautifully orchestrated reminder that He is with me, that He hears me, and that He is blessing this place that I am at in my life. I have so many more answered prayers and it’s truly exciting, but the cat, it boggles and overwhelms me. Psalm 145:18 “The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.”
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Peacefulmom,
No pressure! No rush. 🙂
I’m just beyond ecstatic to see what God is doing in your life. And WOW! What an incredible answer to prayer about the cat. God is AMAZING! He loves us so much. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you and your family I pray for Him to draw your husband back to Himself and to heal him. I pray for healing for your marriage in God’s timing for His glory! 🙂
You are always welcome to share any time.
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