Having God’s Peace in the Midst of the Storm
That actually ties in to what God revealed to me last night through His Word and this morning while meditating on it. Your words and example of being still and waiting on God have got me thinking about that further. We’ve spoken before about how waiting is such a difficult but important part of this journey. I see how God can and is using this time of waiting to teach me and draw me closer to Him.
I also know that I don’t really have any other choice — I can’t force my husband to make a move so I am stuck waiting, whether I like it or not.
I’ve felt like I’ve been able to accept this waiting period for what it is to some degree, but I see now, that I haven’t fully embraced it. Being still and waiting isn’t just about my outer life — my actions and situation. It also has to include my inner life — thoughts and feelings. I’m not doing so well in that area. It’s hard not to be thinking about what I can be saying or doing or plan how to handle something and then analyze all the different reactions to it and where to go next or to try to interpret every move and word from my husband … this is NOT being still!
I have been reading Genesis and Psalms, at least a chapter in each, daily and last night, as I was waiting and wondering about my husband and so confused about how to handle the situation, I almost didn’t read it. I had been praying, reading other things, it was late, I was exhausted, physically & emotionally, and I almost put aside my Bible reading. But then I thought there’s really no reason not to read a Psalm, at least. I do always feel better and there are a lot of short ones. And then, after that, I did read from Genesis, too.
- April, I just can’t believe how clearly God speaks to me through His Word! EVERY SINGLE DAY there is a message for me, from stories I’ve known since a small child, there’s always something new that I’ve never understood before! It’s truly incredible!
Last night I read Genesis 26 where God commanded Isaac to stay in the land where He had put him, despite famine and hardship, promising to be with him and bless him. Isaac stayed and God blessed him so richly that it was clearly apparent to all around him that he had God’s blessing and they were threatened (convicted) by it. Coincidence that I should read that passage? I’m just blown away by how pertinent the accounts in Genesis have been in my life as I read through it.
The Psalm that really spoke to me was chapter 13. David is crying out to the Lord who has seemingly forgotten and turned away from him. He questions “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?” (vs 2a) and demands that God look on and answer him (vs 3). He is in complete anguish in verses 1-4 then the final two verses are a complete and drastic turn around! For no apparent reason, he doesn’t allude to any improvement in his situation, he says
“But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.” (vs 5-6).
So as I’m laying in bed last night after reading these passages, praying and thinking about my husband and how I should handle all of this, I realize how clear God’s message is. I am to stay still and wait, clinging to God’s promise to be with and bless me, not just despite but because of hardship. And that this being still has to extend to my heart and mind as well. I need to let go of my anxious thoughts and feelings, my flawed and inadequate attempts to change and improve things. How?
Here’s the key: Trust in God’s unfailing love. Rejoice in His salvation. Sing of His goodness.
That is where my heart and mind must be focused if I am truly going to be still and experience God’s peace and presence in this storm. Isn’t that beautiful? I know these things, but it was so incredible to have it laid out so clearly in the Scriptures I just “happened” to read and almost didn’t! I love it!!!
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My Secret Idol (a wife makes her husband’s salvation an idol)
The Peaceful Wife 
Dear ‘Dryer incident’ wife! You are doing all the right things, if God is number one in your life and you are still and know that he is God, you can trust that he is on control and can speak to your husband. My husband has very recently come to know Jesus and he now comes to Church and is praying daily and God is speaking to him!! It is truly a miracle and i’ve found it difficult to get used to! I am still ‘being still’…..We still have ‘incidents’ I don’t think they will always happen, but hopefully they will become less and less. Sometimes my mind (the voice inside) tries to get me to remember ‘incidents’ from the past or gets me to think of my husband negatively. Sometimes its really hard not to go there, but I have to remember that he is a sinner just like me and that he is not perfect, but just to re-focus on his good points. xx
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Thanks so much JuR!!! 🙂
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Hi JuR: Glad your husband recently got saved! That is wonderful — do you care to say, why you say that, that is truly a miracle?
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hi Prayinglikehannah,
I have a long story like most of us do! but my husband (my second husband) and I have had some trouble really as we are a ‘blended’ family and he was not being particulary nice to my daughter. He had being lying about things he had said and done (not serious, but unkind) for the past 7 years! Its been a living hell to be quite honest! but I have had my part to play and not been particulary respectful, we had therapy and he seemed much better. I found the Peacefulwife and started going back to Church, I still held onto controlling situations, protecting, stepping in, forcing things, responding to his comments, spying. Then I began following the advice on here and trying very hard to change myself (not easy at all!) , I did the respect dare in 2012 too… Around Xmas time 2013, I began praying much more as we were not getting along well at all. At the beginning of the year, it all blew up again, he left the house and I wouldn’t let him back home until he told the truth, eventually in the early hours he called, told the truth and asked for forgiveness (I had been praying)…since then he has put things right with my daughter. He used to attend church as a child, but left when he was about 12, he didn’t agree with my beliefs about Jesus, but respected my faith and was always interested, but he too didn’t want me to take our kids to church in case of brainwashing!. The night he left, I told him that there was a lots of spiritual stuff he needed to help him (that’s all I said). Now he comes to church each week. I have found it hard to believe and trust this change is real! I also couldn’t forgive until very recently, but with Gods grace I am able to forgive and more on. My husband and all of our children come to church and my husband is actually helping out with an event this evening! He already had the foundation of the truth of Jesus, he just realised now, like I do, that we cannot do anything without God, we cant handle these problems, we cant work it out by ourselves, we need God to step in. April advised me to focus on 1 Peter 3 and also all my husband’s positive points, not the negative ones. Also not to try and work it out myself and to give it to God. We have to forgive what our husbands may have done to us in the past and move on…then I think they try harder not to let us down again, my husband was my idol and so was his ‘sinless’ behaviour, I was always moaning, complaining and telling him off, he couldn’t win….PRAISE GOD, he drew me and my husband nearer to him, nothing is impossible for him! our relationship is so different now to 6 months ago, it really is a miracle. Thank God for April and this Blog! much love xx
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Oh JuR – thanks for sharing.
“Then I began following the advice on here and trying very hard to change myself (not easy at all!)”… to say it is not easy is an understatement! It is downright impossible except if we feed on the word! That is where the energy comes from, not us.
“…..my husband was my idol and so was his ‘sinless’ behaviour, I was always moaning, complaining and telling him off, he couldn’t win..” JuR – did you take those words out of my head? Because that sounds like me talking 🙂
“PRAISE GOD, he drew me and my husband nearer to him..” What a delight! I am so glad that you have had a miracle in a tough situation which looked hopeless! Indeed… nothing is impossible with him…. it is not a cliché, it is for real.
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Thank you so much for your powerful words of encouragement and prayers — they are so much needed and appreciated!
Kelly – Thank you for the link to “While I’m Waiting” — a beautiful and powerful statement that I am claiming. I am only recently returning to Christian music and finding it so encouraging and uplifting. I listened to an interview with Christian artist Plumb (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4 – another great and fitting song!) where she speaks about how, during a period of crisis in her marriage, she began playing a Christian music radio station constantly in her home, even through the night and even when she wasn’t at home, because she realized how much Satan hates the name of Jesus and how powerful it was to live and rest in an environment of praise to Him.
JuR – Praise God for your husband’s salvation!!!! God’s far-reaching and unfailing love and mercy for us lost sinners is truly miraculous! I pray for continued strength to be still in your storm (Isn’t it incredible how much hard work and effort it takes to be still?!) and for you and your husband to grow closer together as He draws you both to Himself.
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Praise God for this blog!! God brought me to it in His perfect timing… My husband and I have recently separated after being married for 12 years. At first my thinking was he needs to fall on his face and realize how selfish, Backslidden, and sinful he is! Well needless to say God through this ever painful trial has showed me just how controlling, disrespectful, and ungodly I’ve actually been! I literally drove a man who loves me and our beautiful 4 children right out the door!! I had put every expectation possible on this man! And when he failed me I tore him down with my words! I sucked the life out of a man who tried to please me in every way. Through this blog (which I jump out of bed get me some coffee and RUN to read😀) I have learned incredible things! Through this storm being still,staying in Constant prayer, and leaning on Gods word and un failing promises is the only way to get through the pain. Romans 8:28 promises ALL things will work together for good! Through dieng to self and having a humble spirit towards my husband who I’ve hurt soo deeply I feel these “walls” coming down. The enemy still plays mind games with me and my emotions.And puts constant doubt, hurt, and all the other lies he tries to throw at me. But I’ve learned to think on things that are pure and lovely and fight back! Some times seems easier than others. And every time I feel like I get my head above water another giant wave come crashing over me. I take it that the enemy is shaking in his boots and wants nothing more than to destroy my beautiful family and I fight back harder! This may sound weird but I take it as a compliment that the Devil would spend so much time on my family, he must feel threatened by what we can and will do for the KINGDOM!!! So while I’m in the storm, I will dig my heals in and spend time with my Jesus and all his beautiful and wonderful promises! I bring all my prayers, worries, hurt, and lay it at the cross BOLDLY! Praise God for this journey he has me on. He has me right where He wants me, in the palm of His hand!
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Faithful wife,
I praise God for what He is doing in you!!!! Praying for His victory and healing for you, your husband and your family. I can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you!
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Faithful wife,
I really look forward to reading this blog in the early morning, too! As soon as I make coffee, turn the heat up, and get dressed, I read this to receive–and sometimes offer–encouragement. The scriptural reminders and reading about how other wives are daily applying the Bible’s principles to their lives is SO uplifting, and makes me know I am not alone in this effort to be faithful to Christ.
I feel so close to all of you, and know this is God’s provision for us. Keep fighting for your family against whatever trials come! Best wishes and love to you!
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Elizabeth,
I praise God for this group of women and all that His Spirit is doing here! I’m so thankful for His power, His healing, His truth, His love, His mercy, His grace. Jesus is the greatest Treasure, that is for sure!
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Hey! Some men find this blog very edifying. I was truly thinking about asking you if you had more testimonies about separated saints. Wow! God is awesome. It hurts the mind to know that He already knew I’d come here! Anyway, the enemy is coming at my marriage from another angle. My Dad is irate with me for something I did. I am staying at his house and I must respect him -but it involves me helping my wife. Please send up a prayer for me. He still works and I will see him in a few minutes. Please pray for God to be glorified in our talks. ‘Crushedman’ MUST MUST decrease.
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Crushed an,
I am lifting your needs up in prayer.
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Faithful wife — now it really seems as if your words are written by me as well….
” The enemy still plays mind games with me and my emotions.And puts constant doubt, hurt, and all the other lies he tries to throw at me. But I’ve learned to think on things that are pure and lovely and fight back! Some times seems easier than others. And every time I feel like I get my head above water another giant wave come crashing over me.”
I know how you feel – but keep pressing on….. I am on a similar path and I know it is hard. It’s amazing how similar some of the issues we ALL face, even when our situations are different. I have finally learned to find joy in today….. even while I pray for the joys of tomorrow
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“Through this storm being still, staying in constant prayer, and leaning on Gods word and unfailing promises is the only way to get through the pain.”
AMEN!
And the miracle of God’s peace in the midst of pain and chaos is truly mind-boggling! Sometimes I look at my situation and think, for a moment, that there must be something wrong with me that I’m even able to carry on each day, let alone feel joy and peace. But I know it is not of my own doing or ability — it’s totally God, sheltering me and carrying me through the storm. His peace truly does pass all understanding, mine included, by I am so thankful I can rest in it.
I love your attitude about how threatened Satan must feel by your family in order to be attacking you so vehemently!
And, YES – God has us right where He wants us! The Holy Spirit revealed another gem of truth and comfort to me from Psalm 16. Verse 2: “I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.” The implication? That WITH the Lord, ALL things are good. Verse 5-6: “Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surly I have a delightful inheritance.” If our life circumstances are assigned and portioned specifically to us by our Lord and Creator, Who holds all in His hand, how can we but feel secure, knowing He controls every aspect of our situation (including Satan’s ability to tempt us) and the final result, our inheritance, will be for His glory and our good? All we have left to do is rejoice and rest secure in Him (v 9)!
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One of our battles as women is that we tend to rehearse things in our heads – the what if’s, the why didn’t I say this, the…I should have handled it this way, the “if he says this I am going to say this” – you get the picture. And so many times those around me get fairly agitated with me at being able to simply let things go and move on quickly instead of making an issue out of them. Over the years God has shown me what being a peacemaker is all about. I probably should address some areas more than I do, but I have begun thinking with an “eternal” mind rather than an “earthly or temporary” mind and that has helped me personally to keep my peace. In Psalm 23 we know that indeed there is a banquet table set before our enemies not to boast of what we have but to show others who Christ is and how he takes care of us and prayerfully draw them nigh. We cannot feed them from that table only Christ can, but we can certainly invite them to come and dine. I fully believe we have to choose our battles based on WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) At times he did get angry and he sinned not but the anger was at the sinful lifestyle. The enemy is always trying to disrupt and divide, at times that means we have to take a deep breath and walk away and the strongest argument can be simply silent prayer. Who is our neighbor (all in need) Who is our enemy – those who do not have a personal relationship with Christ and the hard part about this is that includes our loved ones. But we also remember we fight against the dark principalities in the spirit realm, not against each other. That is why prayer and constant communication with the Lord and listening to him is so important. Blessings in this journey and may the peace that this world will never understand surround and fill you as you abide in his presence.
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Wanda,
Thank you so much for sharing! This is beautiful!
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Wanda – Thank you for this. That is EXACTLY what my mind does! I’m not sure if it’s reassuring or disheartening to know that this is a struggled shared by other women. What a terrible curse sin has brought on us! I always thought our curse was merely pain in childbirth — THAT is NOTHING compared to the pain of battling our sinful desire to rule over our husbands (Gen 3:16 — Why is that aspect of the curse never taught? Or did I just miss it all these years?)
Beautiful reference to Psalm 23. I have never heard it explained that way. It is so exciting to gain insights into God’s Word! Thank you for that!
I had an insight from Psalm 23:1 not long ago. “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.” This is not a passive statement about never being in want. It is a statement of faith about actively choosing to be content, and not just with the Lord’s provisions or even with His working in our lives, but to find all of our contentment IN Him alone.
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I read the Bible every single day. I wish I could find this much comfort in it.
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Elizabeth,
I believe that you can! As you center your focus on pursuing God with all your heart and seeking Him above all else, and surrendering everything in your life fully to Him in trust – I believe He can and will speak to you through His Word. It can take time to get to that place. it did for me! But when we desire Him more than anything else, He is able to speak so clearly to us through the Bible.
Praying for you today!
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The video won’t work on my computer. I know how to study it. I’ve taught many Bible studies. I’ve got the Logos software on my computer. He is just silent right now. I’ve felt close and felt loved by God before…just not now. I still keep reading. I spend a minimum of 30 minutes, sometimes more.
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Elizabeth, this comfort and assurance in God’s Word is all new to me. I grew up reading and memorizing the Bible, in a Christian home, church, and school. It was never alive to me before. My present storm has forced me to look to God alone and put all my trust in Him (though He is continually revealing to me ways that I am still holding back) and now, miraculously, I am able to look past the storm and to be thankful for it even, because of the blessing of hearing Him speak so clearly and tenderly and pointedly to me through His Word. Do not give up reading, dear sister! Pray, plead, wrestle with the Lord to receive His blessing (as Jacob did in Genesis 32). He will reward you. He is faithful and the Bible truly is a supernatural book, alive, sharper than any two-edged sword (Heb 4:12). But we cannot mine its depths in our own natural power. We MUST have the supernatural power and aid of the Holy Spirit to reveal the precious gems of truth God has stored for each of us there.
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This is soooo good! Getting our eyes on Jesus and our hearts and minds planted in HIS truth. It is so ALIVE! I often wake in night or morning and thoughts, memories and emotions swirl in me. I have trained myself to say “Jesus” in my mind a few times and picture His hand reaching out to me. I take it and we stroll in green pastures beside still waters. We bask in truth! It seems like a very real picture in my mind and soul. I have to be very intentional about what I think about. Blessings dear one!
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Another reference to Psalm 23 — beautiful! I love how you go to the green pastures (and still waters) in your mind and He is faithful to restore your soul! Blessings to you, as well!
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April:
I think you probably misrepresented who wrote this article. Are you sure it was not me?! :):)
My goodness, this could have been written by me!. I especially love the part that says “Thank you for the excellent reminder that my husband doesn’t need to actually be here with me for me to bless him. ”
Ok, I guess I really did not write this post 🙂 , as I often forget that, and wish he was here, so I could bless him. But sure — I can bless him by simply “handing him to God.” What a blessing that is in itself…. and when he is here, I focus more on me and less on God anyway. So maybe, at this stage… it can be a good thing.
Thanks for this post
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Prayinglikehannah,
I was hoping you’d get to read this one! I’m so glad that it is an encouragement to you. 🙂
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And me, too, PrayinglikeHannah. It is amazing how God is able to use each of our unique situations and the painful lessons we’re learning to bless one another. While my husband has not taken the final step of actually physically leaving, he has checked out emotionally and is absent from our home more often than not. It is hard to see how I can bless him or how God can use me to reflect Christ to him. I very much needed that reminder that God is not limited by the quantity or quality of the time I spend with my husband in order to work in his life. The realization of that truth (and repentance of my sin in limiting God’s sovereignty) brought me great peace.
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Thank you so much for your blog. I found this blog at a time when I needed it most. I can clearly identify with the comments of “Faithful Wife”. I drove my husband away as well. And in hindsight I can see how much he loved me and wanted to do everything to make me happy but I consistently criticized and found the wrong instead of appreciating the good. We are working on our relationship and I am fighting everyday to fight the demons and negative thoughts in my head. This message was perfect for me today as we have been in the midst of a storm not only because of our relationship but in addition to a recent critical illness of our son. It has been quite a challenge but through it all I am truly learning to trust God wholeheartedly. Not just in saying that I am but truly leaning and depending on Him daily because the situation for our son is totally under God’s control. I know all things should be and I am learning to leave things; all things in His hands. I have gotten so much from this blog and have been able to open my eyes to see myself and my sinful ways and for that I am ever so thankful to April and other contributors. I am working on myself daily. I am learning that I don’t have to have something to say about everything. I am learning to be quiet in a way to not to give the silent treatment but to be approachable and peaceful. I can recognize how when he used to ask me something and I would reply with a snide remark but now I am more amicable in my responses. Why could I have not been that way before?! But I thank God for now and for all He is doing in our lives to bring us both closer to Him. Thank you again. Please keep us and our family in your prayers.
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InSearchofPeace,
What God is doing in your heart is so beautiful! I hate that things got so bad, but I praise God that He is able to heal, restore and create beauty from even the most difficult circumstances. I pray for healing for your son. And I pray for you to live in total surrender to Christ, filled with His Spirit and that your life might bring God great joy and that you might bless your husband in powerful ways as you continue to learn and grow. I pray for healing for your husband, his wounds and his relationship with Christ and for your marriage.
I am so excited to see what God is going to do in you and through you! Please let us know how you are doing, precious sister!
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InSearchofPeace,
Isn’t it amazing how God blesses us through our children? Not just because of the precious gifts that they are, but by using them to open our eyes to things we would never otherwise see. God recently revealed to me, through my children, ways in which I have been holding back, relying on myself rather than fully trusting Him. I am praying for the physical healing of your son and for the spiritual and emotional healing of your marriage and family. God bless!
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Beautiful, I can relate.
I am presently away from my family: my husband and young children because of a transfer at work from where my family is based to another location. I hated this at first so very much that I wanted to resign But my hubby asked me to hold on, to wait! And out of respect for him and of course respect for GOD, I am waiting. It is not easy as I have fearful thots; my children’s safety, my husband’s fidelity(I know its not fair/right of me to think him unfaithful) but I do think and worry.
I need to be still and wait for God’s peace and watch out for evil thoughts that only cause confusion. I will rejoice in God’s salvation, I will trust in God’s unfailing love and I will sing of His goodness, amen. Alleluia, praise the Lord…
God bless you for your writings and sharing..
Peace and love of Christ Jesus.
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Florence,
I pray that God will empower you to be full of His Spirit, His courage, strength, love, purpose, peace and joy as you trust Him and seek to bless your husband in this time of trial. Yes, those evil thoughts are so destructive! We must all carefully monitor our thoughts and shoot down the sinful ones, replacing those lies, doubts and fears with the truth of God’s Word. 🙂
I love your faith in God and your praise for Him!!!!! I can’t wait to see what He will do in your life. 🙂
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Florence,
You are in a difficult situation and Satan is just itching to get a hold of you, filling your mind with doubts and deceit. I pray Philippians 4:4-9 for you! Peace, my sister!
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I love reading how God is working in each you ladies in your life, it’s a blessing to me!
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“At times he did get angry and he sinned not but the anger was at the sinful lifestyle.”
If this is about Jesus, he did not sin. Ever.
If there was ever a thought from the Enemy, the one quoted above would be it.
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She is quoting that “Jesus sinned not,” I believe. 🙂
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I guess it’s like one of those “Punctuation saves lives” type things, where you have either “Let’s eat Grandma” or “Let’s eat, Grandma”. LOL. Thanks for the catch.
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Unwobbling pivot,
You are most welcome. 🙂
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Thanks for sharing your story. It seems there are a few of us in this group of readers whose husbands are far from God.
Let’s remember one another in prayer, and our husbands.
I liked the revelation on staying through the trial. Most of my friends and all of my family are bewildered why I would stay in my marriage but God has never told me to go. His behaviour isn’t physically threatening or to the extreme (then I believe distance is needed). God keeps telling me to love him like God does. That if I walk away it shows my husband that I’m like every other Christian in his life who walks away from him.
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Godlywifetobe,
Thank you so much for encouraging the other wives. I love the idea of wives praying for each other! I pray God will empower you to show the love, grace, mercy and power of God to your husband for His glory. 🙂
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Godlywifetobe:
All along I thought you were the wife who wrote The Dryer Incident and your comment has alerted me to me error. How is the “guitar-playing” coming along? 🙂
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No it wasn’t me 🙂
I’m not as together about it all yet as much as Cat is but I’m hoping to get there and have revelations of my own behaviour in situations.
Oh you’re sweet to remember. The guitar is going great. I know 5 chords and I’m able to slowly play “what a friend we have in Jesus” 🙂
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Godlywifetobe,
Aww!!!! I am so excited that you are able to play “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” Makes me cry happy tears of joy to think about you playing that song.
I hope you will give us an update when you are ready – or let us know how we can pray and encourage you. 🙂
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Thanks 🙂
Things have been going along well. It always seems to go through lulls and then a week or two of explosions. He’s been busy with the car/bike racing last weekend, and going to a friends house a lot to fix his car but I haven’t mentioned anything. Just greeted him with a smile and a kiss when he gets home 🙂
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Of course I remember! The weekend when you had the birthday date, I was even washing dishes and wondering how the date went…that’s before you gave us an update. I have DEFINITELY been praying for you. And you are right about Cat “having it together!” Whew…..she blesses me every time she “speaks” – or types :).
Not to worry though….. we all grow at different speeds. I think you are growing very much yourself!
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GodlyWifetoBe & PrayinglikeHannah
Thank you for your vote of confidence and encouragement, but I definitely do not “have it together.” If you had been a fly on my wall today, you would know that for sure. Interactions with my husband last night and today sent me on an emotional roller coaster and I am slowly clawing my way back to God’s peace.
I promise you, any words that come out of my mouth (or keyboard) which you have found to helpful are totally from God, not me. I am in awe of what He is revealing to me and humbled that He is using my story and what I am learning from Scripture to bless others.
Both of you — and all the other wives here who are so willing to share their stories and offer encouragement and prayer — are a HUGE blessing and support to me. I am gaining strength and wisdom through what God is revealing in you. It is so good to travel and pray together in this journey!
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Cat:
I know you, like everyone else are not perfect…and the “roller coaster” emotions are emotions I can so relate to! I have MANY of those myself, and I face VERY challenging situations in my own marriage. It is only by the grace of God why I am where I am today, emotionally.. At one point, I totally forgot what happiness felt like. So I know, that it is not easy. However, you have been a source of strength to me. Your words are filled with wisdom and I love when you recommend certain scriptures. No doubt God sees your heart, and I pray that things with your husband will improve — in God’s timing.
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Praise God for His grace! I am honored to be able to walk with you, PrayinglikeHannah, and be used by God to impart His strength and wisdom. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement — they are so precious to me!
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You’re so sweet. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
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Yes, let us agree with one another in prayer, claiming the powerful promise of Matthew 18:19!
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Amen!
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Thank you so much for posting this; my heart goes out to this sweet lady! I can relate to almost every single thing she said as I have been in a similar situation.
To not be able to see what’s ahead is just agonizing. I remember the feeling of just wanting to SAY or DO the perfect thing that would immediately change my husband’s mind!
The references to “being still” reminded me of an AHA! moment I had when my husband wanted to leave.
I was listening to the radio and the pastor was talking about the Egyptians closing in on the Israelites after they escaped Egypt. Moses told them “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (exodus 14)
It was so FREEING to know that the burden was not on my shoulders to say or do something “wise” or “clever” enough so that my husband would stay–I had to learn to place it all squarely in God’s hands!! Be steadfast in prayer and cling to Jesus and HE will fight for you!! How beautiful!!
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KD,
Oh wow!!! Thank you so much for sharing your story!!! I love this. I think you are so right, it is not about you being wise or clever enough to get your husband to stay, it is about trusting God and allowing Him to work in our husbands’ hearts.
Beautiful!!!!!
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KD , thanks for sharing this. Very encouraging.
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Thanks so much for your wise words KD! To be still is such an easy thing in itself…. just hard to do! But a little reminder is always good…. I think I will focus on those 2 words in all my devotions in the next week.
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Thank you, KD, for your compassion and encouragement. That’s just it — the pressure is always there in the back of my mind to say and do the “right” thing that will change my husband’s mind and actions, drawing him back to me. It is a constant battle to let this desire go, to not berate myself for not “fighting” for my husband’s affections.
I have learned, often the hard way, that what I say and do in and of myself only causes more damage at this juncture in my marriage. When doubts and questions come into my mind and I start thinking, even asking God, “Should I say or do this…?” “How could he have done THAT? What am I to do now?” God’s answer is at the ready for me in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Thank you for sharing your insight from Exodus 14. I will look at that more closely. You are right that it is freeing to know that we don’t have to carry this burden — God never intended us to and is waiting for me to put it down and get out of His way so He can do the fighting for me!
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Thank you Cat for sharing more of your story and the amazing things God is teaching you through it! It was so encouraging to me this week and even though my situation is different, it was so applicable. My husband as well has emotionally checked out of our marriage, though for him it is due in part to an emotional affair that he’s having. There are other reasons for it as well I think. Some insight that I believe God has given me through a broadcast I heard was this, “You are not a fool to stay and be a part of a redemptive work in a mans life.” That is what I needed to hear, that I was not a fool! That is was good for me to fight for this marriage. But not by just trying to say or do the right things but like how you describe in this part of your post that I’ll quote below,
“I am to stay still and wait, clinging to God’s promise to be with and bless me, not just despite but because of hardship. And that this being still has to extend to my heart and mind as well. I need to let go of my anxious thoughts and feelings, my flawed and inadequate attempts to change and improve things. How?
Here’s the key: Trust in God’s unfailing love. Rejoice in His salvation. Sing of His goodness.
That is where my heart and mind must be focused if I am truly going to be still and experience God’s peace and presence in this storm.”
It’s really hard for me to not just try to ‘fix’ things! Or to think that I just have to be ‘better’ at this or at that. In my husbands eyes it’s all garbage to him right now. He can’t see anything good in me, or in our entire marriage or in life in general right now.
I realize that I’ve been trying to make this all about me and our marriage. That’s actually not it at all. The real issue is a severed relationship with God, the real issue is hurt in my husbands life that he has never worked through. The real issue is that my husband is a broken man who needs to really KNOW and UNDERSTAND that God is not like his parents were. God is not a hard taskmaster, God does not demand perfection, God does not demand our love, God does not try to control us, God loves without conditions, His lover never fails!
I need to stay still and wait so that God can speak, so God can work, so God can pursue him. Wow, that’s hard for me! But I can see that it’s so much better when I do!
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Melanie!
PRAISE GOD!!!!!! YES!!!!!! You get it. The issue is that we all need God desperately. I am so excited about what God is showing you. I pray for Him to continue to empower you and to mold you to be more like Jesus and to use you as His partner to bless your husband. I pray for your husband’s salvation and healing in Christ and for God to heal your marriage and use it for His greatest glory!
Much love!
April
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Melanie, that was a beautiful revelation. I can see similarities with my own husband and my own thoughts to yours. What an encouragement to see your revelations! God bless you on your journey and your husband too!
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Thank you Godlywifetobe, I’m so glad that you were encouraged! God is so good! What I’m experiencing right now hurts so much but I’m so thankful that I’m still able to see God’s goodness through it. I’m so glad that we have each other on this blog, it helps so much to have other women that care!
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Hi Melanie,
Thank you for your words of wisdom, sharing what God is revealing to you. I find I need constant continual reminders of what I’m learning. It is good to hear it from other wives’ perspectives.
Our stories are more similar that you might think. I believe I responded to one of your comments in a recent post (“Am I hard-hearted?”). My husband, too, is involved in an emotional affair. You said: “In my husbands eyes it’s all garbage to him right now. He can’t see anything good in me, or in our entire marriage or in life in general right now.” I could say that about my situation, too. Everything I say and do, even if I’m silent, he views as manipulation. In a sense, it makes it a little easier to stop trying to “fix” things since I know, from experience, that my words and actions just cause more damage. But you are so right that it is so hard to be still and wait on God. Today was not a good day for me in being still, but it reinforces how much I want to be because I couldn’t tolerate feeling so agitated.
I love the part of the broadcast you quoted that describes this journey for us as being “part of a redemptive work in a man’s life” — that is beautiful! Thank you for sharing that. I will keep that in mind on days when I’m feel discouraged. This is about my husband’s redemption and I am blessed to be a part of it and have a front row seat to witness God’s amazing grace & power!
I am praying for you. I hope that we can walk this painful road together, supporting and keeping each other accountable.
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Thanks Cat, It helps to walk through this with other women that understand! I appreciate your heart and your willingness and desire to encourage the women on here. Yes, let’s walk this road together! I am praying for you and your husband!
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Thank you so much for your prayers. You are an encouragement and a blessing to me!
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Cat, since you mentioned it, I realized that I had missed your comment under the post, (Am I hard-hearted?). I checked it out today and responded over there too!
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I really liked this too. Very encouraging. I needed the part about how waiting isn’t trying to analyze and interpret my husband’s every move. I’m finding that difficult. I just want to see that something is happening so it’s easy to want to do that. My husband is a believer but seems to be far from the Lord and recently I noticed he started listening to Christian music again and then today he brought a christian book to work. I want to take these as signs but this helped me to remember to let God work and for me to wait.
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Jeanne, Praise God for the signs of some fruit in your husbands life! Keep your eyes on God and let Him do the fighting! I’m realizing that my part of the battle is in prayer for my husband and children and for others on this journey. God bless!
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Cat, Thank you for the encouragement. I was just reading your comment to Melanie above about how you pointed out the part of “everything is garbage to him right now”. I’m in that place too. My husband thinks me trying to save our marriage is manipulation and he thinks the reason we aren’t fighting as much is manipulation too. I understand where he’s coming from, but its so hard to just let him think that.
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Jeanne,
I have a post about this very issue coming tomorrow! 🙂
It is hard to not try to make him see that you are changing for real. But – he will see that in time as you continue to seek God and allow God to transform you. This requires MUCH patience! He may doubt now. That is normal. And it is ok. It will help you to keep refining your motives so that you are only doing this for Jesus alone. That is actually a huge blessing!
Much love!
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I can’t wait to read that one! I know it will take time before he trusts my motives and I’m okay with that. I like how you’ve pointed out before that it would be nice if they knew how hard this was for us as wives. I also understand how if this was easy I wouldn’t make the transformation that I need to make in order to be obedient to Christ. Its all a process.
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How right you are, Jeanne, that it is so hard not to defend ourselves, trying to prove to our husbands that our motives are “pure,” that we are not just trying new ways to control and change them. I’ve realized that there is nothing I can say that doesn’t come across to my husband as manipulation and, if I remain silent, he views that as “garbage” too. I can’t win!
But, I’m also learning that this is part of the process of being still and waiting on God. If I’m trying to defend myself and my motives, then my motives really aren’t so “pure” after all because I’m selfishly thinking of me (not wanting to be misunderstood, misrepresented, thought of as wrong and bad; but trying to prove my worth and good). I’m also not waiting on God, but trying to take things into my own hands instead when I open my mouth in my own defense. I believe this is a sinful attitude that I need to repent and squash in His power.
This is a verse I repeat to myself often at those times when I feel the need to defend myself: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14).
It seems that if we want to take our defense into our own hands, God will let us, but we certainly do a pretty poor job of it compared to what He will do. I, in fact, fail miserably each and every time on my own.
Psalm 37 is a powerful and beautiful description of God’s desire and ability to defend us when we commit our ways to and trust Him fully.
1 Peter 5:10 holds another beautiful promise to cling to when we are tempted to run ahead of God, instead of waiting through the pain:
“After you have suffered a little while, our God, who is full of kindness through Christ, will give you His eternal glory. He personally will come and pick you up, and set you firmly in place, and make you stronger than ever.”
Isn’t that beautiful? I love it! There is so much hope in God’s Word if we are willing to seek it out and hold onto it for dear life. Much love & prayers for you, Jeanne.
April, I can’t wait for tomorrow’s post, too! The truths you share fill me with hope. You are right that this time of waiting on our husbands allows us to refine our motives. I know for a fact, that if my husband was willing to forgive me and reconcile, that my focus would then be on my relationship with him instead of with God. That would be peril because with a solid foundation in God, my marriage and everything else I attempt to do on my own is doomed to fail. Praise God that He is so much wiser than us and loves us enough to let us suffer. What a strong and loving Father He is!
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Cat,
You are most welcome!
I have a post about “Defending Myself No More” that may be helpful. 🙂
It is hard to embrace suffering – that is not our American/Western modern mindset at all! But – suffering and trouble are “God’s servants” as E.M. Bounds says in his books about prayer. They do God’s bidding in our lives and chisel and mold and refine and prune us to make us more like Jesus. That is the ultimate good God is after! Our holiness and faithfulness to Himself.
God is so very good. He gives us good gifts, even when we don’t always appreciate the discipline part until later.
Much love!
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Cat, thanks for the response! I love Exodus 14:14 and I’m going to check out Psalm 37. Thanks for pointing out those scriptures. I was remembering a scripture about how God will make our innocence shine and I went to search for it and it turns out it is Psalm 37: 6 – He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
I’m also finding its a lot of motive checking right now. I really do want to lean into God and let him change me and get out of His way.
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April, Thanks, I will check out that post, too!
Jeanne, I’m glad you found that verse in Psalm 37 and I pray that God will speak to you through the whole chapter when you are able to read it. You’re right — motive checking is constant! As April has said, it helps us realize that we really cannot do this in our own power, but must lean on Christ for everything.
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Dear peaceful Wife,
I also am on a journey to get a hold of my anxious thoughts that come some so often to take me over and cause me to go into fight mode. I realized that sometimes I am fearful of different things, such as my husband putting other things before me it makes me argue and become disturbed. I am learning Instead to operate in God’s peace, waiting and believing and Loving God for my satisfaction. In my earlier years of being married I found the secret that a quiet spirit goes farther than my confrontations, but to not grow tired and continue in the good works is where I fell short. I thank God for his forgiveness and mercy to start again, I believe we will win if we trust Jesus.
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Alicia,
This is beautiful! I am so glad you are turning to Jesus!!! Please let me know how you are doing!
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Cat:
You are VERY helpful! I have been reading scriptures that you recommended in a previous post to Godlywifetobe. They have been so powerful to me, and I still have more to go through from your recommendations. You seem to have a good handle of the scriptures…. I like that. I read my Bible often but do not “know” it as well. However, I know how powerful the words of the Bible are, and they have washed over my aching heart many times… so I love to get suggestions on sections of the word that can be useful in these specific struggles.
Thanks for your story…. I hope your husband draws close to dad and to you
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….draws close to “GOD”…. and you (although God is our “dad” so I guess that’s right too 🙂
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Praying like Hannah-can you direct me to that post again?! I was trying to find it the other day but had deleted my email where I had the reply!
Thanks 🙂
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Godlywifetobe:
The set of scriptures from Cat’s recommendations, I was speaking of, are from the “Dryer Incident” post, which was on Feb 28. I think she recommended more on other posts too, but I am still feeding from that post specifically.
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Thanks 🙂
I need to write them down this time right away 🙂
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PrayinglikeHannah,
I am so glad that you are digging into the Word and finding peace and power there! I am so so excited about all that I’m learning and thrilled to have the opportunity to share what the Spirit is revealing to me with others. I’m completely astounded with how alive God’s Word is and HAVE to tell someone about it so am thankful for the chance to share with all of you. It helps reinforce the truths in my mind, too, and I need that.
I think I mentioned elsewhere that I grew up in a Christian home, school and church — learning and memorizing Scripture was a requirement. I never minded at the time, but other than nice sayings, it didn’t mean much to me. God is faithful, though, and hid His Word in my heart so now, years later and after neglecting the Word for so long, I have a strong foundation in Him. I love His promise in Isaiah 55:11 that His word does not return to Him void but accomplishes the purpose for which He sent it. (Also why I love praying Scripture — it won’t fail!) All those years ago, He had a purpose for the time I spent in His Word even though I didn’t appreciate it then. Huh, that’s amazing to think about — that foundation He built under me was designed specifically for you, too!
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It is hard to put it all in Gods hands, but that’s what we have to do. God has to work in us first before he can work in our husbands. My husband left in May of last year, he wanted a divorce. I turned to God, MY HUSBAND turned to drinking and friends who are either divorced or in bad relationships. We barely talking all last summer and into the fall. Everything has a time, I was served with divorce papers and had made up mind based on my husbands continued actions that I would sign the papers I received and any other papers , that was October 10. Remember that date;). On October 11, my husband came in to talk and asked for my forgiveness, which I gave him. Then he asked if he could come home. I welcomed him home with open arms. There have been moments but everything is going well!!! So please have faith that things will work out in Gods time not ours!!!!
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Timelesstreasures,
Thank you so much for sharing your story!!!! Wow! I love hearing how God works in seemingly hopeless situations. This is so beautiful!!!!!! Praise God!
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Wow! Miracles do happen
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I was listening to a sermon by Michael Youssef today about Joseph. He was saying had we ever thought what would have happened if Joseph got all he wanted and was rescued from that pit that his brothers could possibly have killed him when he returned home. Or the fact that in the famine the family would have died because Joseph would not have been in the palace.
He spoke about how everything was orchestrated in such a way that years later and through the trials God could provide good for him and his family and turn it all around.
I thought about those of us who are struggling in our marriages, with our husbands that are far from God, or husbands that may treat us poorly etc. God will use all these trials for our good and His glory.
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Godlywifetobe,
I LOVE the story of Joseph and how the sovereignty of God was so at work. Joseph couldn’t see what God was planning. But he trusted himself to Him, even through being a slave and a prisoner. What a GOOD God we have!!!
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful encouragement! You are a blessing!
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I love that story too. The song in the children’s movie “Better than I” that Joseph sings in the prison always has me in tears!
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Recently I was heard someone who was talking about Josephs life as well. In it the author pointed out that when we read the story of Joseph we should actually try doing it over the actual length of time that it occurred in Josephs life. This would have been a few decades in real time!. I think so often I can read that story and think well, SEE, it all worked out for Joseph and look what came out of all of his trials. Because I can read the story in a couple of hours from start to finish, it doesn’t hit me the magnitude of his hardship. He had so many years of not knowing! So many years where life was not what he would have imagined. But from all indications, even after year after year of no hope of his life getting better, he didn’t stay bitter, he didn’t stay angry, he didn’t stop living, he didn’t blame God. He chose to continue to live a life of integrity wherever he was, with no assurance that he would have ANY earthly reward. I actually find this story encouraging and convicting. I desire to face the challenges in my life with that same integrity and his story encourages me to press on. But as well I’m convicted because I think, ‘how on earth would I be able to survive years or even decades of such hurt and such pain. I wonder if I have it in me to press on and press on and press on, never knowing. It goes back to my motive of course as it always does…. 🙂 You’re right, God will use all these trials for our good and His glory! Amen to that!
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That’s a great point to keep in mind, Melanie. Thank you for sharing that. And remember, you DEFINITELY have it in you to press on and press on because you have the Holy Spirit in you and you have God’s grace and strength sufficient for each new day because when we are we, it is then that we are truly strong! (2 Cor 12:9-10) That is my mantra to get through some days, I just keep repeating and reminding myself that His grace is sufficient.
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I love it! I just started Joseph’s story in my Genesis reading!
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Ladies,
Please listen to David Platt’s sermons, as many as you can!
“The Cross and Suffering” is excellent!
“Who Is God”
“Marriage, Family, Sex and the Gospel”
“Don’t Waste Your Life” – here is a link to the 2nd part of this series. How I pray you will have time to listen to it! IT IS SO GOOD!
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I second this! I just finished watching the “Cross and Suffering” series, at your previous recommendation, and was so blessed by it. There’s a lot of good solid meat to digest in his sermons — by the time I finished the final part I felt like I needed to start over and listen to it again to glean more truth. I discovered they offer study guides and other resources on their website, too: http://www.radical.net/media/schurch/?cur_tab=series Thank you for introducing me to David Platt.
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I’ve hit the point where I can honestly say that I don’t respect my husband. Truthfully, I barely even like him most days. Love for me right now is nothing more than the commitment I made before God. Were it not for that, I would have been done after only the first four months. Now, 18 months in, I feel like my only hope is in Christ returning or an early death. I know that this is probably an over-reaction based on emotion, but I can’t keep being the one holding everything together. We have a lot of major issues (financial, emotional, spiritual, intimate, etc), but he won’t talk about them at all much less deal with them. How do I show respect/love/like when they just aren’t there??? How do I get them back when major issues that have given me reasons to not trust him don’t go away?
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Lucy,
How my heart breaks for you!
How is your relationship with Christ going, my sweet girl?
Are you receiving any godly counsel?
Are you safe?
God never commands us to trust our husbands- but to trust Him.
He does command us to respect our husband – just like we are to respect any God-given authority over us. That does not mean the person is “right.”
Would you like to talk about the issues that are going on?
What do you do when he won’t talk about the issues?
What do you want him to do?
What does he say he needs?
IS there any infidelity, addiction, history of abuse, mental illness or major issue going on?
The ONLY way to do this is through the power of God’s Spirit. That is how we all have to do this thing.
We’re glad to walk beside you, love you, encourage you, pray with you and exhort you to look to God – He is able to give you the power you need right now!
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My dear I have been there many times the last 10 years. I go through stages of being filled and overflowing with Gods help to help me respect and love my husband and then times where I can’t say I like him or even want to spend time with him.
It’s a hard thing. I think you will have moments that rise and fall. Keep clinging to your Rock and asking Him to fill you to overflowing. Ask Him to help you see your husband how God sees him. That’s what helps me in those dry and hard times. Talking with a trusted and wise friend helps me too.
Praying you may feel and know Gods love for you and your husband and you are filled with wisdom and love for him 🙂
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Thank you. It’s good to hear that others feel this way, not that I want others to struggle…just that it’s good to not be alone in it.
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Thank you.
I am trying to stay in the Word, but it is harder than it used to be. We barely attend church and are isolated from others because my husband doesn’t want to be around anyone right now. I have a couple of godly ladies in my life, but most of the time, I’ve ended up on my own.
Physically, I am safe. Emotionally, I am all over the place.
The biggest problem for me is that I cannot trust my husband’s word. He’s not a liar, but he just doesn’t follow through most of the time. He says that he will pay a bill, help me with something, get up early so that we can attend Sunday School, etc. and just doesn’t do it. He also has had an issue with porn and has had no interest in intimacy since we got back from our honeymoon. So, I also feel a lack of trust on that front. I’m just tired of fighting, tired of him making promises that aren’t kept and tired of picking up the pieces. I think he’s been depressed, but it has not been diagnosed. He doesn’t want to see the doctor for it.
I want to work through these things, but we can’t ever discuss them because he is so adverse to conflict that he thinks a discussion would be a fight. So as long as we avoid difficult conversations, he thinks that everything is fine. He hates it when I lose my temper (which admittedly is too often), so he thinks that avoiding the conversation is the answer, but the problem is that the lump under our proverbial rug is elephant sized.
I know that much of what I’m feeling and struggling with is my need to find myself in Christ. However, I am also convinced that there are some serious marriage issues here that need to be dealt with, yet I can’t force that to happen.
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Lucy,
I am so sorry that things are so painful! 😦
Has he ever been diagnosed with ADD or any mental health disorder?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
He have things changed since before you got married?
Was he addicted to porn before you got married?
What was your parents’ marriage like?
What is it that you believe you need to be happy?
What do you say to him when you do try to talk about things?
Much love to you!!
April
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April,
No diagnosis, though I’ve wondered at times.
His parents have a strange relationship and I can see it mirrored in him a lot. They are not very affectionate around others, my fil expects my mil to do pretty much everything around the house and my fil can be harsh with his “teasing.”
Yes. He never cussed, attended church with me three tines a week, talked about starting a family, prayed with me and was very affectionate before we got married. It all changed a couple of months in.
He had used porn before our marriage, but led me to believe that it was something that was no longer an issue. I don’t know now when or if it has ever stopped because he is always vague about it.
My parents are pretty much roommates. My mom is bitter and feels my dad can do nothing right (he’s not perfect, but he has always cared for his family and has been faithful to her). I’m feeling like I’m following in her footsteps…I don’t want to!
I really want him to try. I want to be a team. I’m not as concerned about the results being perfect as I am about the fact that he just does nothing. I want him to try to contribute to our finances, our household chores and to our intimate life. I want a marriage built on a foundation of prayer and God’s Word.
I’ve tried a lot of different ways to talk about things: pushing the issue, sarcasm, gentle reminders/requests (though a lot less than the others, I admit). He just sits there or he’ll say okay, but the results are nearly always the same. He does nothing. I’d rather he tell me a flat out no and explain why than to just do nothing.
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Lucy,
Is he depressed? Is it possible that he has shut down because he feels unaccepted?
Have you repented for your disrespect and control?
My husband shut down and stopped answering me within about a week of our marriage. Many things began to go very wrong – I resented his decisions to let his parents help us. I made sure he know how much I disagreed with him and I constantly told him that what he was doing was unbiblical. He began to ignore me and go into a shell. I upped the volume more and more. He completely shut down. He stopped touching me, stopped talking to me, stopped looking at me. I continued to increase the pressure and volume. I know now that everything I did made things so much worse.
Please, please… as a wife who went down that same road for 14.5 years – I am begging you – please stop! Please take your emotional hands off of his throat. Step down. Please don’t try to force him or make him do anything. Men are not motivated by force and coercion. They are motivated by honor and respect – real honor and real respect.
I don’t know exactly what is going on with him. But what I do know is that if you continue this approach, you can destroy your marriage.
I also know that God is able to speak to him in ways you never could and that if you will take your hands off of him, he may be able to begin to hear God’s voice and he may feel like he can do some things that he thinks he needs to do because he thinks he needs to do them, not because you are trying to control him and force his hand.
This may involve you patiently waiting for many months, maybe longer.
I have a lot of posts about men and emotions. You can search “men and emotions” “husband emotion” “husband shut down” “husband won’t lead”
I would also recommend reading the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect, spiritual authority and biblical submission.
There are hundreds of posts here to inspire you and encourage you on this journey and to help you better understand your husband’s point of view. He is not necessarily wrong here. He may just be too wounded to move. He may need some time to heal.
Please check out “Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected”
If he does have ADD, things will be more challenging, yes.
But – God gives you commands as a wife that apply even when a husband is shut down or far from God. If God is going to reach him, it will only be when you are still and cooperating with Him and doing things His way. I peter 3:1-6 is your greatest tool and power in Christ right now.
I personally vote to briefly repent for your control and disrespect. I have a video about how to do that on my Youtube channel “April Cassidy”
Then I vote to focus on becoming the woman and wife God desires you to be and trusting Him with your husband.
Let’s walk this road together!
Much love to you!!!!
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Lucy,
I’m so sorry with all that you are going through. I can relate to alot of what you have said. I have felt the exact same way for years in my marriage. My husband is also a “liar.” He rarely follows through on anything he says he will do. It can be so frustrating. My husband does have ADHD, so that is a huge factor in this. He is diagnosed but not treated most of the time. I did so much damage by calling him out on “lying” to me when he didn’t follow through with things. A lot of the times, it was because it didn’t meet my expectations if he didn’t do it when I wanted or how I wanted, etc. He might have had plans to take care of something later but I would attack him if it wasn’t done when I wanted it done. We have been able to talk about it some and he’s given me permission to remind him and leave notes. I am trying to let go of having things done at a certain time and just giving him my reminders and letting it go. I feel overwhelmed at times because I feel like I take care of everything and I daily have to fight those feelings and bring it to God and get strength from him.
I think April’s advice here is great and I’m going to follow it too. “Please take your emotional hands off of his throat. Step down. Please don’t try to force him or make him do anything. Men are not motivated by force and coercion. They are motivated by honor and respect – real honor and real respect.” – This is really convicting me and something I needed to hear today.
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Jeanne,
With ADD – things are much more difficult. Husbands in this situation don’t often purposely lie- they have a lot of problems being able to focus and remember. My son has mild ADD. It can be very challenging! There is a book, not a Christian book ,but a helpful book called “Married to Distraction” that may be a blessing, written by two medical doctors who have ADD.
Lots of practical help there.
You will have to approach things differently with a husband with ADD or Asperger’s or autism.
He may need more gentle reminders. But it is still possible to show him real honor and respect. I pray that they might also seek out help for themselves – there is a lot of help available!
Praying for you both!
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Thanks, April. I will note that book recommendation. Thankfully, I’ve been learning more about how he acts and how to react to his ADD and thats been really helpful. He tries to explain it to me alot too, so its something we can talk about. There’s still a lot to learn though, but it does make things a lot different then dealing with a person who doesn’t have ADD. One of the most difficult aspects is actually his hyper focus. I think thats one thing that made our relationship so different when we started was he was hyper focused on me because I was new. It was great for me at the time, but now this happens with other things, like video games, tv shows, electronics, etc. So that really brings in another dynamic when dealing with someone who is withdrawing because of how I’ve treated him.
I do hope that he takes more responsibility in managing it for himself, but right now he’s started a new job and doing amazing at it. He struggles with work/career so its awesome to see him succeeding at work right now. I know that takes so much out of him.
Thanks!
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Jeanne,
The more you can learn about his perspective and what he struggles with, the more you can empathize and support him as a teammate. I love that you understand about his hyper focus on new things and certain things. That is so helpful to know as you seek to interact with him in meaningful ways and will help you not assume evil motives.
Thank God that he is doing well with his new job! WHAT A BLESSING! 🙂
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Thank you. This is good food for thought. I’m working through it and I greatly appreciate the input from you and the other ladies on this blog. I’m glad to have others to share this journey. 🙂
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Lucy,
I had no mentors and no fellow wives on this journey, and I pray that having this support might make the journey a bit easier for those who come behind me. It is such a blessing to have others walk this road with us, isn’t it? 🙂
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Lucy,
I am so sorry for all your pain and sorrow. I’m so glad to hear that you are trying to stay in the Word and also that you are seeking support here and with Godly ladies in your life. Please be encouraged that you are not alone — we are all walking this road with you.
I wanted to comment on what you said about your husband not following through on his word, particularly the example you gave of Sunday school, because it resonates with me in my marriage. Since the beginning of my marriage, I have wanted to attend church and share a spiritual connection with my husband and have done everything I could to encourage this — finding new churches for us to try, asking if we could do devotions together, etc. My husband would always say that he wanted these same things, but would never follow through. Oh, sometimes he’d go along to church with me, but it was not with a willing spirit. Mostly he just seemed really passive-aggressive about it and I could never understand why he would say he wanted one thing, but then act as if he didn’t. So frustrating! But do you think I gave up? Sadly, no. I thought I was being encouraging, supportive, and doing what God would want me to do in trying to get us on the right path spiritually. I totally missed God’s command for wives to win their husbands without words in I Peter 3:1-6!
As things came to a crisis point in our marriage and my eyes were opened to my sins toward my husband and God, I, for the first time, realized how disrespectful my “encouraging” had been and how sinful I was in attempting to take over the role of spiritual leader in our family. As it turns out, this is one of the biggest issues that drove my husband away from me. He feels that he tried to please me in this area because he loved me, but that I was never able to appreciate his efforts and accept him for who he is, but instead tried to change and control him. This did not speak love to him at all. Yes, he was not completely open about his true feelings, but actions speak louder than words (thus the command of 1 Peter 3:1-6). So instead of being unrelenting in pressuring him, I should have taken my cue from his actions, disregarded his words, and dropped the church issue, trusting God’s sovereignty to lead me through my husband despite his seeming disinterest in things of God.
I did not understand how much pain I was causing my husband and it completely breaks my heart now to think about it. He is so right that my behavior was unloving and communicated to him that he wasn’t “good enough.”
Perhaps this is not your situation at all and I realize there are so many other factors and issues involved, but I share this with you to encourage you to listen to your husband’s actions, not just his words, in order to hear his heart and learn what feels respectful to him.
I also wanted to encourage you that you hold the key — the Truth that will set you free — and said it in your last sentence. You can’t force the changes that need to take place in your marriage, but you can focus on your relationship with Christ and that is where your power for change is.
God bless you, Lucy. I will pray for you and your husband and your relationships with God.
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Great reply Cat. I will remember these words in case my husband ‘goes off the boil’! he is attending church each week with me at the moment and I can almost feel myself dreading the day he might stop, but I am just going to let him be (if that happens) and not be his Holy Spirit!
Thanks to April and the wives on this site, helps me enormously each day, so encouraging. xx
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JuR,
I’m so thankful if others can learn from my sins and not reap the same pains that I am. I pray that you will seek to know and accept your husband’s heart in this and other areas; that he will know you accept, trust and love him; and that your faith will grow mightily as you see God do amazing things in your marriage and life, choosing to trust Him fully even if you don’t understand the way He leads.
I agree completely — this community of God-seeking wives is an enormous help and encouragement to me daily. I thank God for each of you and thank you, April, for allowing God to use you to bring us together.
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Thanks Cat, wonderful! My husband is helping out at an event at church tonight! I still cannot believe it! 🙂 🙂
Lets all keep praying and putting God first, no matter what our husbands do! xxxxx
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Cat – do you go to church without him or do you stay home? I know that I have made things worse in this area with my words…I have in others as well.
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Hi Lucy,
I do not currently go to church at all. I think things would be a lot different right now if I had realized what I was doing, the damage I was causing, and had stopped “encouraging” (read: pressuring, pestering) my husband to attend church with me.
He never had any problem with my faith or me attending church. The problem began when I hitched my spiritual growth to his. Rather than attending church myself and focusing on my own relationship with God, I wanted to wait for him so we could grow together spiritually. That was wrong and has resulted in neither of us growing.
Sadly, I really put the pressure on him after we had kids. Yes, he was still telling me that church and faith were important to him and now even more so with children, but, oh, how I wish I had listened to his actions and attitude which had not changed! For about a year, I went to church with the kids and he arranged his schedule so he was working on Sunday mornings. I was hurt by this arrangement as it seemed like he was choosing work over family and church, but I see now he was merely in self-preservation mode and this was his only safe option.
It “worked” for awhile, but when God hit me with the truth of my sin and rebellion against Him and my husband, I realized how disrespectful this arrangement was. I apologized to my husband for trying to force him to do things in regards to church and faith the way that I thought was “right” and “best” rather than listening to, accepting, trusting, and following his way. I’m crying now thinking about how different things might have been if I had had the wisdom to do this! He never asked me to sin or to turn my back on my faith, he merely did not want to be pressured into attending church. I never allowed us to develop our own faith practices and traditions as a couple and family because I was so caught up in needing to do things the way I was brought up doing them.
I love my husband dearly, but my actions and attitude communicated extreme disrespect for him–his feelings, the way he was brought up, his right to make his own decisions–and, even worse, my ugly ugly sin against God and His commands that the husband be the leader and the wife be submissive and respectful. And here I was so focused on how wrong his actions and attitude were because they didn’t match his words!!!
Oh, how I hammered away at him with my love and my good intentions. Ugh. I thought I was doing the “right” thing, but didn’t see the real problem was my lack of trust in both God and my husband. The Peacefulwife is so right when she has pointed out how our relationships/attitudes toward our husbands mirror our relationship/attitude toward Christ! I was in open rebellion against both, not trusting anyone but me, not wanting to give up my independence. And all the time thinking I was a “good” wife and Christian!
With my words, I told my husband I loved him, but with my actions and attitude I showed him that I did not trust him, I did not think his way of doing things was worthwhile, I did not respect him, I did not like his ideas, I did not share his hopes/desires, I did not respect him, I did not think he was good enough, … Oh, how shameful! This doesn’t even sound as if I like him let alone love him! He has every right to accuse me of being a liar and not following through on my word.
Anyway, back to your original question (so sorry to ramble on so much), I do not go to church now. I realized that I was putting “going to church” above him and our family (how I ever got to that point–I was so deceived!). I apologized to my husband for all of this and told him I was going to follow his lead, not run ahead and try to lead our family in this or any other area. I now know and trust that God is completely sovereign. I do not need to run away and try to orchestra things. God can and will lead me through an unbelieving husband. He has assigned the circumstances of my life to me for His glory and had has planned good and not evil for me. I can rest in His peace knowing that His will is going to be accomplished in my life, my husband’s life, and our marriage and family. I just need to stop fighting and start trusting.
And do you know the amazing thing? I have never felt any peace at all about church/faith/etc in our marriage. With all my pushing and manipulating, I could never get things to where I wanted them to be. When I gave it all up to God, I IMMEDIATELY felt peace! Even though I am not going to church (which goes against how I was brought up and what I thought we needed to do), I KNOW this is where God wants me right now — putting Him first in my life and then my husband, not church or anything else–and trusting that God will lead us, through my husband, in His time.
As I said above, things would likely be different if I had realized all this years ago. Things might be different, too, if we didn’t have children and if my husband wasn’t continuing to work on Sunday mornings (perhaps I would go to church on my own and let him have alone time with the kids). But things aren’t different and my husband needs to know that I respect him and that I put him and our family above church.
Also, one might think that not attending church would be detrimental to my own spiritual growth. This is not the case. God has truly blessed me with His Spirit and a growing desire to know Him so that I am spending more time alone with Him and growing closer to Him than I have ever been, even when attending church 3 times a week or while going to a Christian college. I know fellowship with other believers if vital (I am so thankful to receive that support and blessing through the Peacefulwife community!) and I trust that God will accomplish His purpose in that regard in my life in His time, too.
This is just my situation, Lucy. I don’t know the answer for what others should do in their lives, no matter how similar they may seem to my own. I just felt led to encourage you to pay more heed to your husband’s actions — to seek out what they are communicating rather than focusing on how they don’t match his words. It sounds like he is not intentionally lying or breaking promises. Perhaps he is finding himself, like my husband, stuck between trying to please you and trying to remain true to himself as a man. Because, whether they believe it or not, God created them to be leaders and to thrive on our respect — it’s a fact from which they can’t get away!
I will pray that God will grant you wisdom and discerning to know clearly what He would have you to do in this and other areas and that you will be willing to seek and obey His will. Love & blessings to you!
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Hi Cat:
I am curious — if your hubby is not currently against you going to church, why don’t you? Of course, you have to do what you believe is right for you and your family, and most of all, what you believe God is speaking to you about your own situation — so no judgment at all! You are obviously deep in the word! I would just like to understand the reason you have chosen not to attend church at this time…..that’s all.
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Hi PrayinglikeHannah,
That’s ok for asking — I rambled on so long and probably wasn’t very clear! My husband doesn’t have a problem with me going to church, our children are a different story. Right now he is far from God and very closed off to anything spiritual. Sadly, he is very sensitive to our children being “brainwashed” about God and religion and not being able to make up their own minds. He is in a very dark place right now, some due to my disrespect and some due to his own issues (I have to be careful not to take on responsibility for all of it). So, the practical reason I don’t go to church is because he continues to work on Sundays and I would have to bring our children to church with me if I went. Right now, this is not ok with him. I am praying that one day it will be. In the meantime, I am waiting on God.
Oh, and I did look into other options like mid-week Bible studies, but there was nothing in all the many churches in my area, that would work with his schedule so I could go alone and the one with childcare turned me down because they have no childcare slots left. Little discouraging at first, but I took it that I just really need to focus on my own personal time with God (and have been rewarded in that area) as well as on my husband and family.
Does that make more sense? Thank you for causing me to think about it more carefully. I don’t want to get stuck in a pattern assuming it’s what God wants without keeping it under careful prayer and consideration continually. God could direct me differently tomorrow and I need to be sensitive to that and willing to respectfully approach my husband about it.
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Cat;
Yes, this is clear. Thanks for explaining, it makes a lot of sense. By you going, and taking the kids, you would be “forcing” something on the kids – something, which, at this point, hubby does not think is good for them. You want your kids to have this, but you do not want to disrespect hubby’s wishes, and add to the portion of his “darkness” that you are respnsible for. Got it! 🙂
Well, I know that one day, you will be coming on this blog to speak of how your hubby is going to church with you (and the kids). I just know it! God is certainly working in your situation. I really see that even “through” the internet 🙂
I go to a wonderful church – I am so grateful for the place of worship God has lead me to. When He (God) is ready, he will certainly lead you to where He wants you to be.
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Yes, PrayinglikeHannah, that’s exactly it. I know I need (and want) to obey God’s commands to respect my husband as well as to raise my children to know the Lord, but it seems I can’t do both right now. However, I must trust and wait on God. I know He doesn’t need me to bring my children to church for them to grow in their understanding and love for Him. In fact, I’ve seen an increase in curiosity about God over the past several months while I’ve been on this journey. They are very young and I know that God will draw them to Himself in His way and His time. I only pray to be the mother that He desires me to be for them. And I know a big part of that is honoring my husband, their daddy. I think that will teach them so much more than they would be learning at church right now.
Thank you so very much for your encouragement and your faith that God will work out this area of my life. I will definitely be sharing when miracles start to happen!
I am very pleased that God led you to a wonderful church. I pray that He will use you mightily there to teach by example and maybe words about His beautiful design for marriage. There truly is such a need.
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Right now, I am still in learning mode myself, and in a very broken marriage. However, I have talked to God many times about using my situation for His glory. I trust that one day, the darkness in my own marriage will disappear, and I will certainly not keep all that I have been through a secret. I believe that at least ONE marriage will be saved because of the powerful testimony I will have then. Indeed, I don’t even need to wait on the full healing to share what God has done, but when full healing occurs, I will have more proof for those who need proof to believe what God can do.
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I believe that God will and already is using you to speak healing to others. Yes, when your marriage is healed, what a beautiful testimony it will be to God’s healing power! Yet, even now, in your brokenness, His full power and strength are able to shine through you. Thank you for being such a blessing! xo
2 Cor 12:9-10 “But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
1 Cor 1:27 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.”
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awwwww…… thanks Cat!
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On the same subject of husbands and going to church. I have recently decided since he has stopped going that I will go but not ever week. My husband has seen that my church going over the years has been at times legalistic. He is in a period of questioning everything about his faith and the church. I want him to see that I have grown in this area because I have! I want him to see that I can be a woman of faith and that I can grow in that faith. I want him to see that God doesn’t want our ‘sacrifices’, He wants us! I want him to see that we don’t have to ‘do’ for God to be accepted by Him. And that includes going to church. He has no problem with me going or with me taking our kids so that’s not an issue for us. I just am letting God refine my motives in every area of my life, including why I’m going to church.
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Melanie,
I’m glad you are listening to God and seeking to bless your husband. It is so important to check our motives! Thank you for sharing!
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Praying that you will be sensitive to God’s leading as you seek to bless and honor your husband, Melanie. And that you will clearly reflect Christ to him.
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Thanks for praying Cat! I need to continually stop and just be with God so that I don’t stagnate in one place, even in a previous leading of God. Just because He’s lead me somewhere doesn’t mean I’m to stay there!
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