Ask April
Chimney Rock, NC November 2014
I am feeling MUCH better! Thank you all so much for your prayers. I had a chance to rest over Thanksgiving and seem to be over my walking pneumonia episode. What a blessing!
Let’s take a day just for you to ask some questions. If there is a concept that is tripping you up, or you have a relatively general topic or concern you would like for me to address about your walk with Christ or about marriage, let’s chat!
My plan is to take a few of my readers’ questions and use them to write some posts in the coming weeks. So, if you leave a comment, you are giving me permission to use your question anonymously in a future post. I would like to try to keep the questions to a few sentences, if possible. Thank you so much for participating. I love having discussions together! My goal is to point us all to Christ and solid biblical principles. I also think this is a great chance for us to love, encourage, pray with, exhort and encourage one another. I am sure that many wives will want to chime in and share if there is someone struggling with something they have also encountered about which they have received godly wisdom.
I can’t wait to get started! I love the way God uses us to sharpen one another and I am so thankful for the loving, respectful, beautiful, Spirit-filled community God has given us to share here. I am praying for each of you – for your walk with Christ, for your journey to godly femininity and for your husband, your marriage and family – that God might be greatly glorified in you. I love being on this journey with you. Y’all are family to me. 🙂
If you look very carefully, you can see a faint rainbow above the top of the waterfall in the clouds!
Hickory Nut Falls
April and Greg – on Chimney Rock overlooking Lake Lure, NC
The Peaceful Wife 
Hi April,
I would love to hear your thoughts on two things:
What does casting my cares onto the Lord look like in real life? I know the verse, but how do I live it?
How do I separate my husband’s position from his sinful behavior? How do I respect him as head when he’s checked out emotionally and/or physically?
Thanks so much!! God bless you!
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Andra_sn5,
What cares in particular are you having difficulty casting on the Lord?
What are the primary sinful behaviors your husband is exhibiting?
Did he choose to initiate the separation?
What does he say he needs?
How much communication is there at this point?
What is your communication like?
Are there any issues you believe God wants you to work out with Him during this time?
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P.S.–we are currently separated.
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April, I don’t know what I should do when my husband acts in certain ways that hurt the kids. Sometimes when he gets angry at them, he says things like, “I’m done with you.” Or “You can go live somewhere else.” PS the kids are age 14 and younger, and have no major behavior issues. How do I stay respectful? How do I be a good mom at the same time?
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H31,
Does your husband ever apologize about this?
What happens when you share your concerns in private?
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He apologizes sometimes. Often not. And as for privately confronting, at this point I wouldn’t. Just because there’s such a high chance that he would get defensive and angry. Such a probability that no resolution would occur and that it would be made worse. No matter how humbly or cautiously I broach it.
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H31,
This would be a fantastic topic. I think we may have to address it from multiple angles. In your case, your husband is not a believer, if I remember correctly. So, that will make a big difference in the approach, in my view.
Has your husband been feeling more respected lately? How have things been going?
What do you usually say to your children about the things their dad says?
Much love!
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My husband is a believer, but he is immature in his faith. The only negative going on lately respect-wise is that I’ve had some hormonal problems, and honestly it has effected me emotionally a bit. I’m relying on God to boost me up in this area. So far, God has revealed some awesome insights and tools to help me with those emotions. It’s a work in progress. But no serious disrespect in the home anymore for over a year now. What I say to the kids depends on their age and the situation. In a nutshell, I ask if they can recall ever overreacting emotionally to something themselves. Then I remind them he’s human, and they can only apologize for what they did and pray about it. Then I reassure them all will be well.
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H31,
It actually sounds like you are being quite sensitive to God’s leading and His Spirit. But, I will see about a post on this topic. 🙂 Much love!
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Hello April,
Im so glad you ate feeling better!!!
My question is how can I encourage ny husband to be more spiritually filled to lead our household spiritually. If that makes sense. I get concerned at times with our salvation. I know he is a believer but sometimes with his actions it says otherwise. He has come a long way from before but I think we need to take it to the next level. Ensuring our salvation.
Thanks!
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Kat,
What is your definition of “ensuring your salvation”?
What does your husband do to lead?
What do you believe he is doing that shows he is far from God?
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As for ensuring salvation, we used to be one of those guilty of easy believism and sometimes I feel like we retract back to that. I sometimes feel like we haven’t done enough or what we are supposed to do to make sure we are saved. My biggest fear is something happening and we are not saved. Like its hard to know sometimes if we are really saved or not. I know we try but seems like we retract to old habits and I am just concerned.
My husband was not one to lead before because of my controllable behavior but reading this blog has helped me to understand that I need to respect him as a man and husband and head of the household. So a few years back he took over the finances. He also has the final say and I trust him because I know he has our best interest at heart. So little by little I am learning to let go of control and have him decide. But as for leading us spiritually, that isn’t happening. I always have to ask him if he wants to do a bible study together or a devotional together. I believe doing those things together will strengthen a marriage.
I have to be honest here, I know my husband tries to be better but there are certain things that he says and does that make me believe he is far from God. I don’t see him reading the bible or at least wanting to engage in something to renew hi mind. He has a bad habit of swearing and I have mentioned that to him that it bothers me. Some of the stuff he posts on social media, I believe it’s inappropriate because of language or something else. I just feel like he tends to get sucked in sometimes but others to “fit in” in a sense. And his job is no better. His job is full of people that I think have no common sense or engage into God.
I am trying to be a better respectful wife but it is hard sometimes when he does things that are inappropriate or bother me.
Thanks April!
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Kat,
How does Scripture say one is saved?
How did you and your husband come to Christ?
In whose work do you put your faith and trust?
I invite you to check out a few posts:
“My Husband Is Not Being a Good Spiritual Leader”
“Ways Husbands Lead that Wives May Not Notice”
and, I invite you to search my home page for
– lead
– leader
I think this is a really important topic. Thank you for sharing your questions! I definitely want to address these issues.
Much love!
April
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Hi April,
When it comes to scripture about salvation, what comes to mind is John 3:16. But the recently reading your post about what it means to truly be saved and I see that we definitely fall short of that.
My husband and I came to Christ through a mutual friend. He was a mentor to us along with his wife. They were an older couple, and we were in our early twenties. This was about 4 yrs ago though. We had said the sinner prayers and we learned along the way how to be a better Christian. But sometimes I feel like there is so much information on the internet about what it means to be saved or what it is to be a true Christian that it is confusing. I know that reading the bible has the answers but I think we struggle with truly understanding it. Then when we try to read something that’ll help interpret the bible it gets more confusing because there are so many interpretations. It’s like which one is the right one?
We do put our faith and trust in God. My husband has been pretty good with leaving things to God and trusting.
Thank you for the 2 articles. I will surely read them over many times.
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Kat,
I think the key is the word “believe” in John 3:16. It is easy for us to think that just means “mental assent” that He is Lord. But, this is not the kind of belief Jesus is talking about. After all, the demons “believe” in God and tremble! But, they obviously are not “believers” or “disciples of Christ” or “Christians.” This type of belief Jesus is talking about involves more than just this one verse. The entire conversation Jesus had in John 3 with Nicodemus is important. Jesus talks about a man needing to be born again – of Spirit and water. He also compares how Israelites had to look up to the bronze serpent in the desert in the Old Testament (in order to live if they had been bitten by poisonous snakes) to the way people will look up to Him. There is faith, trust and obedience involved in this belief. It is not a simple, “I believe that Jesus is the Son of God.” It is also that I am following Him as my Savior and LORD. And Jesus says that those who love Him will obey Him. The two concepts – our love and obedience to Him – cannot be separated from one another.
It can be confusing to read different people’s interpretations. Absolutely. How about just starting with the gospel of John. And also, read any passage in the gospels where Jesus talks about what it means to be His follower or disciple. When Jesus called His apostles, He didn’t say, “Pray this prayer.” He said, “Come and follow Me.” That meant- for the rest of your lives. It was an active thing that involved faith and belief – yes. But also action and obedience.
You do not make yourself a better Christian. When you become a believer – you are born into God’s spiritual family. You are a baby in Christ. You feed at first on the milk of the Word, but over time, you can digest more complicated Scripture. Scripture is your nourishment. You “abide” in Christ as John 15 describes. He is the vine and we are the branches. As we cling to Him and His Spirit fills us, He produces fruit in our lives – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-33). It is only by His power that we can walk in obedience. He paid the price for our sins. He died and we were “in Christ” when He died, so we died with Him. Then we rose with Him into a new resurrected life. We are dead to this world and to sin now, according to Romans 6. Now, the life we live, we live in the power of Christ. We live it for His glory. And His Spirit empowers us to live the life God desires us to live. He did everything that was necessary for our salvation. We did nothing. He gave us the faith to trust Him. He gives us the power to obey Him. He gives us the appetite to want to know Him more. He increases our faith and causes us to grow. It is all about what He does for us and in us.
We don’t have to do anything to ensure our salvation. Jesus did that. If my faith and trust are completely in what He did for me – I have total assurance of salvation. Then, I give Him full access to all of myself. I submit myself fully to Him as Lord. I give Him the keys to every room in my heart and I allow Him to let His truth and light pierce the darkest places in my soul. He is my Master. He is in charge now – that is what it means that He is my Lord. I am willing to do anything He asks me to in His Word – or anything His Spirit prompts me to do (which will always be in line with His Word).
After you read John and those passages in the gospels, I invite you to read I John and then Romans. A book I really like that explains the complicated theology and doctrine from Romans on a very practical level is the book The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee.
I’m right here any time you want to talk!
Much love, my precious sister!
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Kat,
How are you feeling about things? 🙂
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Hello April,
I have not forgotten about this. I have given it much thought. Recently, my husband is about to change jobs and it’s not going so well. So I am having to re-read the posts on how to be respectful and how to support him during this time. It’s been hard for me because of how he is taking this. He has fears that are holding him back from the job applying process. Sometimes I feel hopeless but I understand that he just needs my support right now and his space. Thanks for following up!
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Kat,
Did you find the post I have about our husband’s jobs?
I am praying for you, my precious sister!
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Hi April, I did not know you had a post on husbands jobs. I will look for it. Thanks!
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“Do We Try To Control Our Husbands’ Jobs?”
“A Man Shares His Thoughts About Being Pressured to Work Certain Jobs”
Not sure if these will be helpful. I hope so!
Yes, your power is in focusing on your walk with Christ primarily. 🙂 Much love!
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Thank you April! I have read them both and have helped!!
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Kat,
Good! I am so glad. 🙂
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Hi Kat,
I hope you don’t mind my interjection here, as this question was aimed at April, but I wanted to see if perhaps my commentary on the subject might help a bit.
When I married my husband, I knew he loved the Lord. I admired him for this. Yet, after we got married, I started becoming concerned because he wasn’t leading me spiritually the way I thought he should. I grew frustrated when I realized that I never (ever!) really saw him reading his Bible or having quiet time with the Lord. This was very frustrating for me, especially when I was trying to be better about that myself (I have to guard myself against this feeling: I’ve noticed when I work on something between me and the Lord, I sometimes get resentful that others aren’t doing it too. The thing about the Lord’s leading is that He deals with us one at a time, on a personal basis. He may show me something He doesn’t show someone else. God may be speaking to me about my words, whereas the drug-addict is just focusing on NOT going back to the drugs. To expect her to be careful about her words would be kinda crazy of me.)
Anyhow… back to the husband not reading the Word thing, it bothered me so much that I asked him about it. I don’t remember the manner of my asking (to be honest, it was probably pretty disrespectful), but what I do remember is what he told me, “Yeah, I read my Bible all the time at work. That’s where I do my quiet time with God.” I hadn’t even CONSIDERED that he may be doing this outside the home, where I couldn’t see him! See, he’s a custodian, so he has lots of time to himself at work to ponder. On the flip-side of that, I work with kids part-time… and I have absolutely NO TIME to do those kinds of things at work, which is probably why it didn’t even cross my mind!
Of course, I don’t know your husband’s line of work, study time with the Lord, etc… The reason I wrote my little story is because it revealed to me in a very real way that I couldn’t possibly know where my husband stands with God. I thought he was such a heathen for not reading his Bible, that I didn’t even THINK about the fact that he could be doing it somewhere else – or sometime when I’m not there watching him! 🙂 It was very humbling to find out that I don’t “know all”… even about things that seem definitively true! 🙂 It taught me to cut him a little slack and remember to turn the focus to myself, not to others.
I hope that reading this has encouraged you in some small way. It’s my prayer that the Lord would draw you and your husband closer to Him, and to each other. 🙂 God bless you!
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Thanks for this, blessedout!
I had a similar revelation. I looked down on my husband so much because I didn’t see him read his Bible at home – but later found out that he often read his Bible on his lunch break at work. We must be SO careful about judging our husbands’ spirituality and their walk with Christ. There is often much that God is doing that we are not privy to.
Thank you very much for sharing your story! 🙂
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Blessedout thank you for the words! What you had written is very similar to what I am going through. However, I asked my husband if he reads stuff I send him which most of the time its related to God and he says yes. But when I asked him if he reads the bible or reads something spiritual outside of work on his own time he said no. I didnt respond to that at all and just walked away. I didn’t want to say something mean or be controlling. Its just a little discouraging to hear that. I do know that he prays but thats about it that I know of his spiritual relationship.
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Kat,
I’m glad that you checked with your husband. And I am glad you didn’t freak out. God can change your husband! My husband didn’t always read his Bible at work. Actually, it is an interesting story. He decided to get a used iPod about 4-5 years ago. I thought it was a waste of money. But – he ended up listening to David Platt sermons and listening to a Bible app on that thing on his lunch break. Then I was so glad that I didn’t say anything about him getting that iPod. This was maybe one year or so into my journey to be a godly wife.
As you focus on yourself and your walk with Christ and you focus on I Peter 3:1-6 – God can speak powerfully to your husband. Sometimes, we have to get out of God’s way. Sometimes, our husbands can hear God’s voice a lot more clearly when they hear our voice a lot less about spiritual things. I have some posts about that.
Much love to you! We will pray through this thing together.
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Thank you so much for that response! I have to remember that God can change my husband and I have to trust and have faith that God will do so. I also understand that I need to focus more on myself working on my mind. I realize that the more I focus on him the more frustrated I get sometimes and I know that is not right. We have gone through so much in our marriage and I just want healing already. It gets discouraging sometimes. Thanks again!
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I agree, Kat! It’s good to remember that about God, and as April said, “Step out of God’s way.” We need to learn to be content in every situation, just as Paul was. 🙂 It’s not the easiest thing to do, but one thing I know is that if it’s important to the Lord, it’s definitely worth it! 🙂
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Hi April,
You often speak of focusing our hearts and minds on Philippians 4:8 things: whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. Can you give us some practical examples of what this has looked like at different times in your life?
Some days it is harder than others to take my thoughts captive (2 Cor 10:5). Sometimes only God Himself seems to fit the Phil 4:8 guidelines — not a bad thing by any means to keep my mind focused on God and His holy character! But I don’t want to miss on out being thankful for His blessings in my life which I may be missing when feeling overwhelmed by painful circumstances.
Thank you!
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No Name,
Would you like to share some examples of a day that is hard to focus on Philippians 4:8 and we can talk about it together?
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Hi April and no name. I agree with no name. I also struggle with continues this concept as well. Being a stay at home mom, no friends to talk to and my husband works. Some days are so overwhelming and i find it hard as well to cast down high thoughts, especially toward my husband. This would be a great topic april for you to speaj on:)
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Tiffany,
What are some of the thoughts you struggle with the most?
Much love!
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I struggle with being a stay at home mom. There are no Godly women in my area and my husband does not understand my feelings. I think about my past a lot and miss having interaction with people. I love my family but is it wrong to want to have adult women conversation?
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Tiffany,
No, it is not wrong at all to want to have godly women friends. You can pray about that! And, you can also find a warm, loving, supportive, encouraging group here, too. 🙂 as well as possibly some other sites online (carefully screened, of course!)
God is able to bring godly women into your life. And, if right now you do not have that, He is also able to use this time of isolation to teach you to depend more fully on Him. I had a long time like that at the beginning of this journey, myself.. I had no godly wife mentors or godly wife friends to talk through this stuff with. It was just me, God, the Bible, about 30 books and a lot of notebooks over almost three years.
Much love to you!!!
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Thank you so much April:) yes I love this blog. I’m able to glean from your experience and other woman as well. Much love and I will continue to pray:)
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Tiffany,
I’m not a stay at home mom, but I totally get how isolated you’re feeling. Ugh… I hated it! What happened in my situation was that right after I got married, my best (female) friend died. Like, literally: on our honeymoon. I was then thrust into dealing with grief while trying to acclimate myself to my husband… and I had no other girlfriends except this one girl (who had hung out a lot with me and the girl who died, so every time I saw her, it was a painful reminder of Amber’s absence… needless to say, we didn’t really hang out after that). I went about 7 years with no close female friends. It was like being in a desert! I loved my family and my husband, and of course I loved the Lord, but I didn’t understand why this kind of interaction was being withheld from me. I grieved to the Lord about it A LOT… asking Him, “Why?” and “When will I have another friend?” I ended up trying to create friendships (or take friendships deeper than I should have) and that didn’t end well either. I realized that God may have allowed that to happen because I needed my focus to be on Him (I had no one to vent to, since my husband was part of what was breaking my heart during that time… God has since healed that by leaps and bounds), but it was still so painful!
Anyway, all of that to say that though it was very difficult at times, God brought me through it. I found that He is my all in all. I gave up on insisting on my way (which I thought had to be best), and just asked God to help me as I went through this time… and He did. Eventually, I volunteered to work in my daughter’s Sunday School class and I met a lady there named Danielle. We were “partners,” so we spent a lot of time together planning lessons. The more we talked to each other, the more we liked each other. I am still SO blown away by the fact that she likes me for me… I’d started to feel like maybe I didn’t deserve female friendship anymore (a lie from the enemy!) and she opened her arms to me. Our friendship wasn’t forced; it came about naturally. We don’t get to talk nearly as much as we’d like (we’re both busy and have totally opposite schedules) but it’s good to know that we have a friend to go to if need be.
I pray that God will do as He did for me, and bring you your friend in His timing. God bless you, Tiffany!
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blessedout,
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS! I had a very long time of isolation as I studied becoming a godly wife where I stepped back from everyone in my life for a few years. Like – 3 years. I just needed to focus on God during that time – and my immediate family. I had a tendency to try to control my friends, and a tendency to be a people pleaser and to be too impacted by other people’s thoughts, as well. So, it was extremely important that I just focused on God and learned to be right with Him and unlearned all my messed up ways of thinking and learned God’s ways of thinking and His wisdom without being so influenced by other people. I think of it as my 3 years in the desert – kind of like Paul had. God definitely used that time as I focused fully on Him to teach me. I was desperate for Him and begged Him constantly to help me learn, to change me, to show me all of my sin, to teach me His ways… What a PRECIOUS time with Him!
Now – I have some close women friends on my prayer team online. And I have the amazing honor of getting to interact with all of y’all! What a blessing! 🙂 My life is FILLED with women friends and sisters in Christ. I am very thankful. But I am also very thankful for that time “in the desert” with God.
Thank you so much for sharing your story!
I pray for a godly friend for Tiffany in God’s timing for His glory! 🙂 And I pray for His will to be accomplished even in this time.
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Thanks, April! 🙂
I sort of signed myself up for another time “in the desert” in the beginning of the school year as well… actually, over the summer. I had a SERIOUS facebook addiction, and God spoke to me about that, so I quit it cold turkey. It was difficult for me because that’s how I communicated with a lot of my friends. It was rough in the beginning, but it seems that every day away from it is easier and easier. It’s gotten so easy, in fact, that I’ve considered going back to it – in moderation – but I just know myself too well and I think I’d get sucked in again and it’d get out of hand.
That said, I wasn’t doing anything “wrong” on facebook. I was there to be a light to friends… but the amount of time I spent on it was not good. It took time away from my family and away from God. Now instead of going on facebook first thing, I do my best to read the Word first thing in the morning. 🙂 I also quit because I started teaching my daughter at home this year, and I knew we wouldn’t get anything done if Mommy was stuck on facebook all day! 😛
Friendships are so important, but as April has said, the Bible warns us against idols… and that can become an idol. I know it did for me, and it took wrestling with God about it before I finally realized that no matter what my attitude is, it’s only going to happen in God’s timing anyway… so I might as well calm down a touch! 😛
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Blessedout,
I quit FB for a long time myself. In fact, the only reason I got back on it was so that people could find my blog posts. I am not very good at moderation. I am more of an ALL or NOTHING kind of girl. 🙂 FB could definitely become the bread of idleness for me.
I have to also be careful with blogging. I could do that for many, many hours per day. It takes major discipline for me to set limits on it and go clean the house. 🙂
Yes, I seek to read God’s Word first thing, too. Otherwise, I might get too distracted. It is just the best foundation for my day to begin it with God and His Word. I need that time desperately!
Much love!
April
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Haha! It sounds like our personalities may be quite similar! 🙂 Facebook definitely DID become the bread of idleness for me (I was on it 3+ hours a day, and it went by so fast!). Right when I’d be thinking, “OK, I need to get off here,” someone would IM me or something and then I’d be stuck in a conversation. It’s not that I don’t love my friends, it’s just that I sometimes have trouble saying “No,” because I don’t want them to feel like I don’t care. So rather than do that, I’d go way overboard on trying to make them feel welcome and then find myself getting irritated when my kids or husband asked me to do something for them. 😦
I actually have another question for you: I know you cover your head when you pray (I think it’s awesome that the Lord showed you to do that and that you listened to Him and started doing it!), but I was wondering, How do you feel about braided hair? I did a little research on it, and of course, there are opinions all over the spectrum. There are those who believe any kind of braid is forbidden (and if I’m not mistaken, those also believe in hair coverings that go over the entire length of the hair, and generally wear them any time they’re in the company of men – which is not wrong; in fact, if they’re convicted to do that, they should), and there are those who believe that cutting hair short (as long as it’s still considered a “covering”) and simply braided hair (not adored with gold, pearls, etc like the wealthy women in that day used to wear). There was another person, I believe, who took this scripture about not outwardly adorning ourselves to relate just to what we wear to church (so as we don’t distract others in the body), and seemed to say it was OK to be dressed up really nicely upon occasion, but not out of vanity and not at church.
I have never seen you with braided hair, so I’m curious as to how you feel about the verse. I personally really like braids (I don’t do them much) but I also am more concerned about pleasing God than pleasing myself. My daughter has very long hair, so she’s always got a simple braid down her back. Every now and then I dress it up or do something more elaborate. 😛 (Daddy-daughter dates and stuff like that.)
Anyway, please let me know your thoughts on this subject. 🙂
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Jenn,
FB can be very addictive! I spend very little time on it – because it can quickly consume so much precious time.
It is my understanding that the braiding that was an issue was a very elaborate braiding and weaving of the hair where gold and pearls were intricately woven into the hair. I think the issue was how lavish and extravagant the hairstyle was and how it drew a lot of attention to the woman’s external beauty.
I do braid my hair in one braid at times.
I think the main issue is that our external appearance is not to be super lavish and extravagant and attention-getting. This is part of modesty and humility. We are to seek to find our beauty in our character instead.
Much love!
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Thanks for the reply about braiding hair, April! I appreciate it. 🙂 That was what I was more leaning towards as well… I’d read a Francine Rivers series (Mark of the Lion) that spoke about how a Roman woman would adorn her hair with gold and pearls, and in the book it was very much an “attention-getting” thing. I think a lot of it comes down to how we view ourselves after we’ve styled ourselves… for example, if I thought I looked really gorgeous every time I braided my hair, or I did it in really distracting styles, there would be a problem… However, if I’m just keeping things basic and respectful without being distracting (but still making an effort not to wear rags/sloppy clothes to God’s house), then I’d think it’d be OK.
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Hello blessed out and april:) wow its been awhile,I didn’t know your comment was there blessedout. Thank you for this. Your testimony has helped me majoraly. I agree this time of isolation God is teaching me to fully depend on Him. I used to depend on people so much. But through this time God is doing a work on my heart:) I have met a friend online througha brother in Christ. She is far from me but we do talk. And also I have this beautiful forum of sisters to go to:) I have stopped praying for a friend nearby though, and I’m just waitng on God. In His time he will send that friend my way:) thank you both once again.
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Tiffany,
So glad to hear an update. I am very excited to hear about what God is doing in your heart! I know I needed – and still need – times to just be still before Him and times where there are no other voices but His in my ear.
Praying for godly friends in His timing for you!
Much love,
April
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No new question. Just want to add that focusing my mind and heart on Philippians 4:8 is a struggle I’m still working on, too. A post(s) on this would be helpful…. on maybe focusing on gratitude? thankfulness? The positive vs negative?
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Thanks for sharing, A Fellow Wife! Sounds like I may need to do a post on this – or repost some of my old posts. Hmmm… will think about it! 🙂
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Elizabeth George’s book “Loving God With All Your Mind” is a great, practical book that focuses on Phil. 4:8. I read it twice and loved it.
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Julie,
Thank you very much for this resource!
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Hi April
How do other Christian women handle other women being attracted to their spouse and perhaps making suggestive comments or gestures towards them?
My husband is extremely handsome and has a very outgoing friendly personality causing people to be naturally drawn to him.
What would a Godly response to this be?
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Tracy,
I have a post about this. You can search “flirt” “flirts” “flirting” on my home page.
How do you normally respond? How is that working?
How do you believe God would desire you to respond?
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April,
My question is how do you stay warm while wearing skirts in the winter months? And what do you say to others when they comment negatively about your decision to only wear skirts?
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Tracy,
I wear long johns or yoga pants or even sweat pants under my long skirts, and I wear boots. 🙂
Almost no one makes negative comments about me wearing only skirts. And if they did, I am not really concerned about pleasing other people. I want to do this to honor God, to be modest, and to savor my femininity. If someone doesn’t like that, it really doesn’t phase me. I am not seeking to gain the approval of people.
🙂
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I love this about you, April!!! I want to be that kind of woman… who follows God without concern of people pleasing! 🙂 I am working on it, but I could always use a little more work. 🙂 Of course, I would still need to be respectful of them in how I answer, but seriously – Good stuff!!!
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blessedout,
I used to be a BIG TIME people pleaser. It was awful. I struggle with temptations in that area at times. But my goal is to take those struggles and temptations to God and to determine to care only about His approval and His pleasure with me – not what people think. I have a post about people pleasing. You can search my home page for “people pleasing.” I have a Youtube video about it on my channel “April Cassidy” – as well.
Much love!
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blessedout,
OH! But if someone has a criticism of me – I do carefully and prayerfully consider it. I take it to God and to Greg. If the criticism is legitimate, then I am thankful for the opportunity to be sharpened and I repent.
God uses the people I interact with here to sharpen me in mighty ways! 🙂 What a blessing. I have so much more to learn. Can’t wait to see all God wants to teach me!
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My momma-in-law calls this “taking the meat and throwing away the bones.” That’s what I’m (very slowly) learning to do. Sometimes things people say are just really off-base. Other times, they can say it in a REALLY bad way, but what they say has a grain of truth in it (if you’re willing to look for it). Sometimes we need to search our hearts, and, as you said, ask God and consult those around us to see how true those statements may be.
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This can be an opportunity to share the love of Christ and to extend grace, when someone is critical of us. My desire, when I am criticized, is to show the person I care about their concerns. If they have a legitimate issue, I will prayerfully consider it. The biggest thing would usually be that someone would say I am legalistic. Of course, they don’t know my motives. They don’t know my heart to honor God and the reasons why I choose to wear skirts. If God prompts me, I may share with them. Other times, it may not be necessary to reply. This takes sensitivity to God’s Spirit. God can use someone’s comment to begin a conversation about our faith. We may have a chance to share the gospel or to share our faith. 🙂
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Hi April,
My question is what are your thoughts about speaking in tongues?
X
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JuR,
I have never spoken in tongues. However, I fully acknowledge that tongues is a gift of the Holy Spirit and that God can and does use this gift to allow people to communicate His truth with others who speak another language at times. Or, He may use an interpreter to share what the person said to benefit and bless the body.
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Hi JuR
I read an excellent book on speaking in tongues if you are open to learn more. It’s called the Glory Within by Corey Russell. Hope it blesses you.
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Hi HappyWife!
Sorry i have only just noticed your post. I will certainly get hold of the book, thank you so much for the recommendation! I have only spoken in tongues a couple of times and I am still uncertain as to if i am actually doing it for real (rather than just finding some ramdom words myself!)…i am learning…i want to accept the free gift from God, but i also don’t want to be a fake either!
Thanks again xx
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HappyWife,
Thanks for the resource!
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Hi April, I would love to hear your thoughts about this disagreement I am having with my husband. We have one 18 month old, and I desire to have another baby sometime in the next year. My husband doesn’t want a baby anytime soon. What is your advice about this?
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Oh, and I guess I should let you know his reasons for not wanting another baby for quite some time. He wants us to get out of debt first, and he says we need to do a better job of parenting the one child we do have and our marriage needs to improve. Those are his reasons.
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Mrsvalor,
Great topic! I am happy to write a post about this.
What do you believe God’s Word tells you to do in such a situation where there is disagreement between a husband and a wife?
Much love!
April
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Hi April,
I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling better! 🙂
I have a few questions. Feel free to pick whichever one(s) you want.
1 – How do I handle my emotions when my husband hurts my feelings? Usually he doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings, and sometimes I am probably being too sensitive. If I try to talk about it, he justs get mad and says he won’t open his mouth anymore. I want to be stronger in this area, especially because when he is really stressed, I feel like I should be the one he can talk to, and not have to worry about what he might say wrong. (Sorry that this was a long one, but I wanted to try to explain where I’m coming from.)
2 – How can I draw closer to Jesus? I desperately feel a hole in my heart, which I know can only be filled by Him.
3 – Do you ever wear anything that your hubby doesn’t like? My hubby recently told me that he didn’t like something I wear. It’s not anything skimpy or questionable. But it’s something that I loved wearing.
I think I did want to ask something else, but now I can’t remember what it was. So maybe it wasn’t that important! 🙂
Thanks, April! Big Hugs!!!
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blesseddaughterofaking,
These are great questions!
I think 1 and 2 would be fantastic topics for posts. Y’all are giving me so many ideas! THANK YOU!
My husband isn’t super particular about what I wear. He tends to be pretty easy going. But, if there is something that my husband has a problem with, I am happy to remove it from my wardrobe. Or, at least, not wear it around him, depending on the reason why he didn’t like it.
Much love!
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blessed (is it ok if I just call you blessed?),
If you don’t mind, I have a couple of suggestions that may help… of course, if you know these won’t work, don’t do ’em! 🙂
1. When my husband hurts my feelings, the first thing I try to do is gauge whether it’s me overreacting or if this is something that NEEDS to be approached with my husband. If it’s going to bother me all day/”ruin my day,” then probably talking would be best. If I’ve decided to talk to him, I would do my to have a respectful tone and facial expressions when I approach him. I know that he won’t hear what I say otherwise, so I put a lot of effort into this. Also, I try to avoid, “You are…” comments. Instead, I say, “I feel…” or “I felt…” to give us a middle ground and allow him to not feel like he’s being attacked. If I think I may have misunderstood something he said, I could even ask him to elaborate on what he meant by that. Sometimes a man will say one thing and his wife will take it a certain way when his meaning is entirely different. After I talk to him about what hurt me (if he apologizes or even if he doesn’t), I try not to bring it up again. Bringing it up or “explaining” (as I’ve been known to call it) often feels like nagging to my husband (and any man, far as I know). So I try to talk about it in as neutral a way as possible, and then afterward refrain from saying anything else (unless he asks).
That said, I remember a time in my marriage (when my husband was a bit less understanding) and it felt like no matter what I said or how I said it, he got angry or offended. He, too, said things like, “I won’t open my mouth anymore.” I prayed a lot during that time, because though I didn’t want to upset him unnecessarily, I also wanted to feel safe enough with my husband to be able to tell him when I was hurt. I handled the situation the wrong way (even picking a fight with him once and refusing to apologize, because he’d never apologized to me! Crazy, right?), but if I had it to do over again, I think I’d still address the issues, just in a different way. As Emerson says in Love and Respect, “She can give her husband unconditional respect in tone and expression while confronting his unloving behavior and without endorsing his unloving reactions.” (I LOVED that sentence!) Of course, you’re going to want to bathe this in prayer… but if something bothers you a TON, it’s better for you to talk about it (or at least mention it) respectfully than hold it in and end up blowing up sometime down the line.
2. One really easy (but often overlooked) way to draw closer to the Lord is to make it a habit to read His Word daily. Spending time with Him is invaluable. Reading the Bible, spending time in worship (not just at church), and prayer are all ways that we make ourselves more available for God to speak into our lives. We must remember in our relationship with the Lord as well as in our marriage relationship not to be too focused on feelings, however. I don’t feel the same today as I did when I first became a Christian. I don’t feel the same toward my husband that I did when we first got married… that doesn’t mean that I have no relationship with the Lord or that my marriage has gone downhill… love matures, as other living things do. We may be misled to believe that because we don’t have the same sensational feelings we had early on, perhaps we are no longer “in love” or growing in our relationship, but that is not true. There is something to be said about a quiet dedication, and that can mean just as much as a loud declaration. 🙂 (I kind of went off on a tangent there, but I just wanted to encourage you in case you may be feeling that way.)
3.My husband told me he doesn’t like “doll shoes” (flats with straps across the top of them)… I loved them!!! LOL! I pretty much decided not to wear them anymore… it’s just a small sacrifice to make for the man I love and respect dearly. Sure, I’ll miss the shoes, but if I can do something to help him know how much I value his opinion, I will. 🙂
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Thank you SO MUCH for sharing, blessedout! You are such a blessing to me and to the other ladies. Thank you for sharing the pearls God has given to you. 🙂
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Attention! Man in the house! All kidding aside.
I would like a woman’s opinion on how to deal with this. My wife has put on significant weight (about 50% of what she weighed at marriage, 20+ years ago). Many of the outfits she wears are too tight and showcase the weight. She wants me to say nice things about how she looks, but she doesn’t look good. Isn’t that telling a lie and leading her to believe that I like an outfit when I don’t? Most often I just stay silent. She knows what I like and that I struggle with her condition, but does nothing to address either one.
Thank you.
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A frustrated husband,
Men are welcome here, too. 🙂
This is such a difficult situation for a husband – and for the wife, too.
Yes, women want to receive genuine compliments and we want our husbands to truly be attracted to our bodies. And we often do not respond well at all if a husband were to be honest that we don’t look good or need to lose weight. I can certainly understand why you choose to say nothing many times.
Do you know why she has gained so much weight? Is food an addiction or a comfort to her? Is she diabetic? Does she turn to food when she is upset? Is she taking medications that cause weight gain? Is she depressed? Does she not have time to be active and to exercise? Is she working so much that she is exhausted and doesn’t feel like she has time to cook healthy meals?
How does she feel about her own body?
There are a few different ways of approaching this issue. I believe it will take great sensitivity to God’s Spirit for a husband to address something this sensitive. Some possible suggestions to prayerfully consider:
1. Pray for her spiritual growth and for God to work in her heart for His greatest glory in every area.
2. Continue to show the unconditional love of Christ for her. Treat her well. Focus on the good in her.
3. Pray for God’s wisdom for her about her health and for His wisdom for you about if you should say something, what to say and when and how to say it.
4. Seek to lead her to be closer to God. If there is gluttony involved or idolatry of food – it is possible that you may need to gently, respectfully, humbly discuss those important issues and talk about ways that you can approach a solution together as a team. With MUCH reassurance of your love for her.
5. If it is that she is over scheduled, see what you can do to lighten her load so that she has more time to concentrate on herself and her health.
6. Does she go to a doctor regularly? What does the doctor say? Can you share about your concerns for her health?
7. As a temporary first step, you may consider going shopping with her and choosing some lovely outfits that would be more flattering to her figure at this time that you may feel you could give some sincere compliments about.
8. Find a few good things you genuinely can compliment her about with her appearance and her character.
The most debilitating thing for a wife in this situation, in my view, is to think that her husband is not sexually attracted to her now. It is easy for women to jump to conclusions that their husbands don’t love them anymore if they are not attracted to them because of weight gain. It is very difficult for most women to understand how men think and the whole “men are visual” thing because most women don’t think like that. And many women are not visually stimulated. We tend to be more stimulated by romantic gestures, words of love and deep emotional/spiritual conversations.
There is a book by Shaunti Feldhahn For Women Only – that may be helpful. She does go into describing how men feel about their wives’ appearance. She talks about how much it means to many husbands when wives seek to maintain a healthy weight. This is a tough chapter for a lot of women. Some women freak out about the whole thing, some respond in a positive, healthy way. That book may be helpful. And there is a companion book by Shaunti and her husband, Jeff Feldhahn for men called For Men Only. Maybe she would consider reading those books together. Or, maybe she would consider reading Love and Respect together by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. He touches on the issue briefly, I believe.
What do you believe would most motivate her? What can you do to support a healthy diet and exercise? Would she be willing to go on walks with you where you can talk together and she can feel emotionally connected? Would you both consider being willing to change your diet to be a healthy diet together? I would love to see this be a team thing.
Praying for wisdom for you both!
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Wow, lots to reply too in that one. Let me try.
She gained weight during her 1st pregnancy and just lived the lie that “you can’t lose it”. Food is an issue for her, both addictive, comfort and almost ‘entertainment’ (as in ‘let’s try this new place’). There have been sugar issues in her family, so that concerns me. She does have gland/drug issues that contribute. The weight has caused joint issues which limit exercise.
I try to encourage a healthier eating style, but she insists that I fixate on food too much. (Let me say this, I’m not THE standard to judge by either, I could eat better and lose a few pounds as well. Just for me, food isn’t a sin I struggle with.)
1-8 are a mixture. I have reassured her that I will not leave her. I do try to do small gestures to show love. I try to be a Godly, stable source in our house. I help around the house to give her time. She doesn’t go to the doctor like she should, mostly due to a lot of other issues that makes her tired of going. She won’t wear outfits I buy and I have no sense of fashion anyway!
I have heard of the books you mentioned, maybe I should take a look. I’m quite sure she won’t read things like this however and it would seem like I’m making a point to change her. Thank you for your prayers.
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A Frustrated Husband,
If there are gland issues, potential insulin resistance issues and side effects of medications involved, as well as comfort eating, that is quite a lot to overcome. Your wife may feel very discouraged and like it is “impossible” to lose weight, so why try?
We will pray together that God might work in both of you to spur you on toward healthier choices spiritually and food and health wise. As a pharmacist, I know there are resources that can help. A doctor may be able to help. An accountability group could be very helpful. And, of course, conviction about what she is doing as a godly steward of her body and soul may be the most helpful.
Here is the awesome thing about Love and. respect and about For Men Only and For Women Only – they address both husbands and wives. You can read them together, each focusing on learning to understand the needs of the other. So, she won’t feel singled out. Plus, there are many more chapters than just about that men are visual and appreciate their wives looking nice. For Women Only was the book that unlocked the masculine world for me and helped me begin to understand men in general and my husband, specifically. Not everything that every husband described fit my husband’s experience of visual temptation, feeling disrespected or respected, etc… But it got me in the ballpark and opened up channels for us to have dialogue about many important issues. It helped me see that my husband had a. Very different perspective on life than I did and helped me learn to appreciate his masculine point of view and s needs and feelings and thoughts. Love and Respect is extremely well balanced, in my view, and talks about husbands’ needs and wives’ needs in a very wife-friendly way. This is often brand new information to s lot of wives. It can be a bit overwhelming at first to a woman to realize just how different her husband is from her and how different his needs are from hers. But this book talks about husbands and wives, and doesn’t just single out wives.
Maybe you would like to read them first, or read them with her. A word of caution, many wives do better if they do NOT read about wives’ needs. Sometimes, Wives may feel resentful if they feel like their needs are not all being met.
That is why I don’t talk much at all about wives’ needs on my blog. It is a trigger for sinful thoughts for too many women here.
Praying for you both and for God’s greatest glory in your lives and in your marriage. 🙂
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I just want to add that I think having a husband be supportive of your weight loss efforts…. willing to eat healthy and exercise with his wife would be very helpful. As if it was something you’re doing together for better health for you both, not just weight.
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I have tried to be supportive and encouraging. But how do you encourage without it seem like ‘pointing out’ or making an issue of the weight? Many years ago, she had a favorite pair of jeans that she out-grew. When she did lose some weight and got into them again, I made a big deal of it, saying how good she looked and how hard she worked. All I got in return was “how it only mattered that (she) lost weight”. I’ll be honest, I was hoping for another 20+ pounds, but the jeans were a good step in the right direction. She didn’t stay down at that weight for more than a few weeks, so my encouragement and praise did little.
As for exercising together, ‘walking’ is about all she can do, and even that is at such a slow pace that it isn’t effective as a calorie burner. So the things we used to do together (even taking age into account) are out of the question until some of the stress is taken off her knees/ankles.
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A Frustrated Husband,
I try not to give advice to husbands or tell men what to do. I sometimes share how wives feel and what a wife’s perspective may be. And I sometimes share things that may be helpful in relating to wives.
What I counsel wives is – we can’t control other people. We can influence them. But, ultimately, they have free will. We only control us. Of course, we can pray for our husbands, and trust God to work in their hearts and open their eyes to any sin or issues.
I know that for wives, sometimes the more we try to press an issue, the more our husbands resist us.
So, the question may be – are you prepared to lay this concern at God’s feet and leave it with Him to work in your wife’s life and are you able to be content even if your wife does not change? What does God desire you to do to be the man and husband that He desires you to be – regardless of what your wife does or does not do? Those are the kinds of questions I would ask myself and I would ask wives. I do understand your concerns for your wife’s health and your desire for her to lose weight. Absolutely. I think almost every spouse would like his/her spouse to be in a healthy weight range. You can pray about how you can bless her and influence her in a healthy, godly way – but then, it may be time to trust her to God’s sovereignty and to His Spirit to work in her.
Praying for you both, my precious brother!
You don’t have to answer that for my benefit, of course.
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I will answer.
I know I cannot change her, I can only change myself. But is it wrong to hope (and ask/work for) change in someone as close as your spouse? When I said “I do”, I vowed to “love honor and cherish, forsaking all others” just as she did. In my opinion, it is my obligation to be the best husband I can, in every way. Now I am not perfect, won’t be this side of Heaven. BUT, isn’t it appropriate to look into the mirror and call a spade a spade? There have been times when I told myself to ‘man up’ and make changes in my life. There have been times when I had to say, “this bothers my wife, I need to change to show that I cherish her.” If she approached me with something that bothers her, isn’t it my responsibility (out of love for her, not out of duty) to honor that request? If so, that door should swing both ways. April, I have read many of your posts on what respect means to a man and MANY of the statements ring true to me. By that I mean what her actions (or lack thereof) say about me as her husband.
I have laid this at God’s feet many times. Cried out in prayer, talked to him in my car SO often. But I also will admit that I struggle with being content and the escape route that it can be to some. I know that The Word says we are to be content in all circumstances, but does that give us an out to remain in certain circumstances by not looking to change (or better) those circumstances? I’m sure that none of us want to be the same (Christian, parent, friend, brother/sister/son/daughter) that we were yesterday. Growth is important. If our marriage could be better by asking for changes in her (or her towards me), is that wrong? Is asking for those changes by either of us being dis-contented?
Thank you for your time.
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A Frustrated Husband,
I understand your desire. The desire for her to be at a healthy weight is not necessarily wrong. I think you can ask for what you would like – at times, very carefully. This is such a painful subject for so many women. Body image, self-worth, feeling loved or unloved, feeling feminine, feeling sexy, feeling attractive to her husband – these are all involved in how she looks at herself and her weight. Many women become very depressed over this issue. Some feel that their husbands don’t love them unless they lose weight and actually become even less motivated to lose weight than ever if they know their husbands want them to lose weight. A lot of women resent that their desirability might be tied to their weight, something that some women feel like they have little control over. Lots of women then turn to food for comfort and eat more when they know their husbands are dissatisfied with their weight because they feel so hopeless, especially if food is a comfort or an idol for them.
Most women are not very visual and don’t tie their ability to be turned on to their husband’s appearance or weight. Some do, but most don’t. So, it can feel “superficial” to a woman when her husband is so insistent that she lose weight because she knows that if he gained weight, she would still love and be attracted to him. She may feel rejected, unloved, undesirable and trapped by her husband’s desire for her to lose weight, not understanding how men think. This can be a very sticky situation. If a wife believes her husband cares more about her weight than he does about loving her – that is a problem.
Yes, this should go both ways. Yes, she should care about your feelings. Yes, she should be willing to try to be healthy. But, it is also possible for God to use this time to sharpen and refine you as you are waiting. The book, For Men Only, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn may give you some extra valuable insight into your wife’s feminine perspective on this issue. 🙂
Here is what happened in my life – God didn’t change my husband until I accepted him “as is” and stopped trying to change him and focused on God changing me and on my being content right where I was even if things never changed.
Only you and God can sort out your true motives. These are things that each believer must wrestle with before God.
You are the husband, the God-given leader in the family. You can ask for things you desire – lovingly and respectfully, of course. But then, God may have a powerful journey for you to take as you wait. I don’t know.
Much love to you, my brother!
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Very hard subject. I understand Frustrated Husband, and I would be a Frustrated Wife. I have an issue dealing with my husband’s bad breath all the time. He brushes his teeth like 3 times a week, I am a daily brusher and faithful flosser. And on top of him not brushing his teeth, he has those silver cappings that make the smell a bit stronger I believe. Sometimes I have to turn the other way when he’s next to me because the smell is so bad. I have told him about the need for him to brush his teeth, not because of bad breath problems, but because of heath factors he is exposed to, like gum disease, oral infections, cavities and such. But he does not listen, and I can’t remind him like I do my little boys, that would be nagging. I too have prayed about it and ask God do I just put up with stinky breath for the rest of my life with him?
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Frustrated Wife,
Have you actually attempted to respectfully, gently mention the bad breath issue? Or have you only mentioned the brushing his teeth issue? Bad breath can be a result of many different medical issues – including things like chronic sinusitis and some things that aren’t even related to oral hygiene.
Does he enjoy being close and kissing a lot? If so, you could politely, respectfully say, “I would love to kiss you and be close to you. Maybe we could both use some mouthwash first? I love to feel like we are both at our best so we can both really enjoy each other.”
There will be times to extend grace. And there may be times to speak up. This will require sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. If you act like his mom, that will probably repel him. But I believe there may be a respectful way to share your needs without insulting him.
Much love to you!
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Well, I have gently told him to please brush his teeth because I can tell when he doesn’t because of the bad
breath. He then will brush his teeth that day or at that moment, but then next day he won’t brush them because he “just” brushed them. Like today he did not brush them, I can tell because the sink was dry and his toothbrush was dry when he left the house. Not that I am checking but I follow after he gets out of the restroom so I can shower and brush my teeth, we use the same sink in other words and our brushes are in the same sink. Uhhhh! How can someone walk around like that?? Even if he doesn’t open his mouth, like the air he releases when he breathes out smells!
That’s another way I can tell. He’s not like a dirty person over all, he is really good at showering, staying fresh with deodorant, clean uniform everyday, etc., just the teeth part gets that failing mark, which happens to be very important to me.
Yes he likes kissing and being close to me! And he says it’s so rude when I look the other way when he is trying to tell me something, but I tell him so sorry but I am very sensitive to smells specially now that I am pregnant for a reason and it gets to me so fast. Should I carry tic tacs and just offer it to him? Would that be disrespectful? Would that be a wordless way to say, “Here, have one, your breath is out of control honey.”
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Frustrated Wife,
What would happen if you put a tic tac in your own mouth? Would that help? I would think that it would keep you from being able to smell his breath. And you can control your mouth and what you put in it without telling him what to do.
Or, I think it could be possible to say, “I really love being close to you, and kissing you. I’m so glad you are my husband! And I hate that my nose is so overly sensitive, I would change it if I could, but could we take a break to freshen our breath so then we can just both focus on enjoying each other? I want to really savor being close to you and enjoy every part of you.”
When he brushes his teeth, is his breath better?
Let’s pray that God might give you wisdom about exactly how to approach this. Sometimes He can prompt you in ways that are so much better than anything a person could come up with.
At the same time, praise God you have a husband who wants to be close to you and who loves to kiss you. Many wives don’t have that.
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Hi April,
Could you point me to a good and biblical description of what submission is, and equally important, is not, and what it looks like in operation, that is written by a man who is a stickler for biblicalness?
Thank you,
Patricia
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Patricia,
Let me see what I can find. I have descriptions in my blog. You can search “submission” on my home page. But I will try to find a description by a man. 🙂
Much love!
April
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Patricia,
Also, David Platt has a Secret Church series on Biblical Womanhood and Biblical Manhood that is very good.
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Patricia,
The post at the top of my home page “Spiritual Authority” is the class notes from a class at my church by a minister who is the best Bible teacher I know. It is a seminary level course and he is on the board of trustees at a local Bible college in my area. I hope it may be helpful. Also by the same minister, “A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage.”
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Hello,
I have been reading your blog for about 2 months.. I am really trying very hard to become submissive and respect my husband. The problem is that I try hard but when I don’t get anything back from him after awhile I totally lash out at him!!! It’s horrible! I feel like sometimes maybe I just don’t have what it takes! He had an affair about 3 years ago… I thought then our marriage was great and was totally devastated when I found out of course… I just don’t think I am recovering. I am constantly accusing him even embarrassing him sometimes in public because I have this anxiety that overtakes me and I feel like he is cheating!! I need help!! He always seems to forgive me but yesterday he told me that he had enough! That he can’t forgive himself because I am constantly on him about it… I question everything… He told me this last time I lashed out was the nail in the coffin and if I had divorce papers in front of him he would sign them because he is so tired of it!
He is still staying at home but when he is totally ignoring me… He won’t look at me, speak to me, or touch me… I think I have messed this up totally… I know that I have to die to self but I do t know how to fix this! I want my marriage healed!!!
When we go to bed at night I feel like a crazy woman!! He is lying next to me and I am asking 1,000 questions and he gets so mad at me..I know I need to stop and I read everything I can think of I just seem to not be able to stop!!!!
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A N,
Can you please tell me about your relationship with Christ?
Is your husband faithful now? Did y’all receive any godly, biblical counseling to help you both overcome the affair?
If you continue on this road, even if he is totally innocent now, you can destroy your marriage single handedly, as I am sure you see.
What are your greatest fears?
Do you feel that you have to try to control him?
Please check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect.
What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?
What do you believe you will accomplish by trying to make him be the man you want him to be? Does nagging, lecturing, criticizing, shaming, freaking out, asking tons of questions, interrogating him, monitoring him,etc.. do anything productive at all that might contribute to healing in the marriage?
Much love to you!
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Thank you April for responding:)
My relationship with Christ is that I am seeking him and what he wants… I read scripture, listen to christian music only, any messages I can get, I am constantly thinking about God and praying a lot!! Sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m hearing from him? I know that’s bad to say but I feel like either I’m not doing it right or I’m just not hearing him when he speaks or leads me.. That’s when I feel like I have to control.
We did go to counseling 2 times together… His idea but tht was Bout a year ago and he said that he didn’t need anyone telling him what to do when he knows what to do…
I believe that he is faithful to me now.. As much as I have poked and nagge about it he would be crazy at this point not to confess to it and he will finally breakdown sometimes and tell me he is NOT doing anything…
To me he still keeps some things too guarded like his phone and keeps vehicles locked at all times and I never get to get in them… I don’t necessarily think its because he is hiding anything, but maybe just because it gives him something to be in control of maybe?
I totally understand that I am running this marriage right now… I actually feel like maybe he is done and nothing I can do will save it… I don’t know how to react now… Be quiet? Keep apologizing although now its to the point where my apologies fall on deaf ears because I’ve done that so many times.
I am going to counseling myself now… I just can’t seem to get it right for some reason… I’ve never been this way until the affair!
My worst fear is that he has lost all love, attraction, and want for being with me. That I have done so much that I disgust him and he only wants to stay for the kids… Our kids are 11 and 9 and they are now begging us to please stop fighting… I try so hard not to show emotions in front of them but I can’t say they haven’t witnessed some of our disagreements…. I feel like he blames me and that he regrets marrying me…
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A N,
Is it possible that you could be cherishing sin in your heart, that may be making it hard to hear God and that may be fueling your fears?
I would love for you to search my home page for a few terms, and read the posts, and then let me know what God is speaking to you and we will walk through these issues together. 🙂
Please search for and read the posts under these topics:
– idol
– idolatry
– insecurity
– needy/neediness
– fear
– control
– bitterness
– unforgiveness
– expectations
I know that your fear is fueling your need for control. But, this fear and insecurity can easily destroy your marriage and can actually be even more damaging than his affair. I know that sounds crazy, But it is totally possible.
I would like you to allow God to examine your thoughts, the tapes that you play in your head, your fears and your motives. In great detail. And let God show you any sin that needs to go. This part is painful – but it is very necessary to get to healing!
Much love to you!
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A N, i understand where you are at. Mine is more recent and i am struggling to be respectful and overcome the urge to interrogate him over details and questions which are all based on my now fears and insecurity. I have to work really hard to submit to God and put things into perspective. One thing that helps me in those moments of the flesh is to remind myself that when i judge, harass, interrogate and come across as disrespectful and untrusting is that I will repel him and he will immediately get on the defense. This is not what i want to achieve as it helps no-one or this situation and undoes the work Christ is doing in me. I know how painfully difficult this can be and i think over time we need to make a decision to let it go completely unless you have reason to believe he has broken trust again. Otherwise you are continuing to condemn him and not allowing either of you to heal. I found April’s recent post on ‘Do i have the right to punish my husband’ really helpful. It may help you too. (i think that’s what it was called). As April says, Godly counseling may be a big help especially with unresolved issues. Prayers for you and your struggles, your not alone!
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Morning April, I remember reading in a post a while back that you are accepting questions only through blog comments. Was wondering if that is the status quo? 🙂
Thank,
Kimberly
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Helpful Wife,
Yes, at this time, that is what I am doing. 🙂
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April,
So glad you are feeling better!
My question is about becoming a Peaceful Mother to adult prodigal children. It’s not for me, but for a few women who I’m close with. I think I know what you would say, but maybe you will say it better than I can…How would you encourage these dear moms?
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Julie,
I obviously haven’t been in this kind of a painful situation yet, because my children are still fairly young. Ugh. What a nightmare. I can’t imagine the pain these moms are experiencing. 😦
My thoughts are that approaching them in a I Peter 3:1-2 way would be the most godly, powerful way to approach them. And to focus on prayer and trusting God and His sovereignty, holding them loosely, and allowing God to work in their lives. Being sensitive to God’s Spirit and to the leadership of their husbands would be extremely important. Being sure not to try to control or mother them back to God would be necessary, I believe.
It would be very easy to make a child’s salvation into an idol for me, I am absolutely sure. So, a constant focus on Christ and on just living in today and on trusting Him with the wayward child, knowing that God loves that child infinitely more than his/her mother or father do.
I pray for God’s wisdom for them and for His courage, strength, power, peace and love. And I pray for these precious children to return to Christ!
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Thank you so much, April!
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I copied and sent your reply to one of those I was referring to. She replied that she so needed to be reminded that this is her “idol”. Was grateful for your timely words. Thank you, again.
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Julie,
It would be so tough to be in that situation. I know it is not exactly the same thing, but it reminds me of this post, “My Secret Idol.” Praying it might be a blessing.
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Thank you.
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Julie,
Another post that might be helpful for these moms is the one “God Loves His Precious Lost Ones.” Much love!
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Hi April!
I have a couple of questions, one I asked before but I think it went into the spam abyss (apparently WordPress isn’t my biggest fan!)
1. How do I handle it when my husband asks my opinion, or my preference, and when I share it but it is the opposite of his, he then tells me that I am not letting him lead, that I’m always wanting to do things my own way? I feel like I should maybe take a while to be quiet and not give my opinion, and go along with whatever he wants to do rather than sharing my preferences.
2. My husband is a leader at church, has been baptized, and is a strong leader at home…but he gets angry easily, and often times when problems arise will say things like, “I know what the *Christian* thing to do here is, but that just isn’t realistic.” He has called me naïve for responding to ignorance with kindness. He tends to be extremely intolerant of anyone with a viewpoint contrary to his, or who handles something differently than he would. Is this a situation – even though my husband is a Christian – where I should try to “win him without a word” and not speak of how God’s word says we should react to things, or treat people?
I’m glad we have this forum to ask questions, but because mine are negative in nature, I do feel like I want to point out that my husband is an incredible man who lavishes love and adoration on me, and my daughter. He is an amazing man and I never want to paint a picture of him that is anything short of wonderful.
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M,
Great questions! I may need to recruit some other wives to help me here – or some husbands. I would love to get some feedback from some women who have been in a similar situation and from some husbands who tend to be a bit more dominant in personality.
Thank you so much!
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My husband isn’t exactly like you’re describing, but I wonder if this approach would help. My husband can get very defensive and loud if he thinks I’m critical.
Just so you know, it doesn’t mean that I sway him to my viewpoint, but I found I was at least heard and didn’t make him angry or defensive when I did it this way….
I begin by saying, “I respect your role as the leader of our family. Thank you for asking my opinion. That makes me feel very respected and loved. I believe my point of view on the subject has a lot of merit, and feel very strongly about it. But as the leader, if you strongly disagree and believe God wants you to do differently, I will support you and trust God to work through you.” I actually even said I would happily submit under protest, and he did ponder my perspective for quite some time. I got to be heard and then I just keep turning his decision over to God.
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I think also, this helps prevent angry upset from my husband when giving my strong opinions….It’s okay to say my perspective on something with a lot of conviction and confidence. Even some controlled passion. But if it comes across as my being insistent that he do it my way….or, if I say it with a lot of “female emotionalism”, for lack of a better phrase, it does not work in my favor. 🙂
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J
Use,
So Helpful! Thank you!
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Just a random aside regarding weight loss in one of the posts, I am needing to lose some weight as I’ve gotten rather “fluffy” in the last ten years. For me it involves idolatry but not necessarily of food directly; it has more to do with transferring security, identity and worth to the wrong places and one big thing that undermines our security is when our basis shifts from being rooted and ground in Christ, to another person, ideal or goal as the source of our worth and our purpose in life. Even right things like being a godly woman, having a country life, having a godly marriage, as you have explained elsewhere April, can morph into idols. Our hearts really are deceitful idol factories.
I had to lose weight before and did so fairly easily because I’d gotten a hold of a book called Body for Life. One of the ideas from it that I followed was that I exercised first thing in the morning for a minimum 20 minutes on an empty stomach. My exercise consisted of nothing but going down to the local high school at daybreak and walking at a very fast pace for at least 20 minutes; that’s roughly how long it takes to get your pulse rate up high enough to go into fat burning mode. I did not eat before doing so but brought along a bottle of water and a piece of fruit just in case I ran into a hypoglycemia situation which I had problems with at the beginning; however dumping white sugar really helped with that. Equally significant, I did not eat for at least an hour after working out, because your body will continue to burn fat about that long if you do not shut the process down by eating something. So it basically extends your workout benefits. I didn’t follow anything else from the book just this and it was enough to make real changes for me. It’s not true that you can only make health and body changes by joining a gym and becoming a female weight lifter, although at some point strength training is necessary if you want to do more than just lose the weight.
I usually did my fast paced walking for at least 30 minutes but started out with twenty as my minimum goal. For the first three days my calves and ankles were KILLING me! I also prepared myself mentally; I would set out my shoes and sweats by the bed so that I could just roll out of bed and get into them. If you have to get up and look for your stuff, its too easy to put it off for another day. I eliminated all the white stuff from my diet; dairy, sugars, refined flour and had one cup of coffee black with no cream or sweetener in it. Very rarely I might eat a slice of whole grain toast or pasta; I had pasta sauce without meat but with a bit of parmesan on it. This way allowed me to still eat quite a lot of foods but by dumping the white stuff and sugars it accelerated weight loss. I lost weight fairly easily without major restrictions and without having to take out a gym membership. Eventually I looked forward to that early dawn walking time and hated to miss it; self control and discipline builds confidence. Also, because I knew that I was dedicated to keeping it up, if I did have a day where my body was indicating it needed a day off, I could do so without feeling I was messing up my goals. I now have to find an alternative because I’ve moved somewhere that the winter is very deep and cold and you can get serious frostbite outside. I live on a very busy road with a lot of truck traffic too and no where near a walking/running track so what I did before is not so easily possible, but if a person has access to a safe place to walk unimpeded by traffic and other safety concerns, its an excellent and non stressful way to losing weight.
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Patricia,
Great suggestions! I especially like that you exercise before eating. Something I do in bad weather is indoor jogging. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I do figure 8’s going around the kitchen table (chairs moved out of the way), then around the family room sofa. I even did this when I was living in a tiny apartment. Put on some music and set the timer…..
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Hi Julie,
Thanks for the kind comment 🙂 I might try your idea; my house is rather huge so I am sure I could manage to pull this off, lol. Will have to get inventive if I don’t want to put on a layer of winter insulation 🙂
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patricia,
One thing I use is Leslie Sansone walk-at-home DVDs. She’s been making these for YEARS and has a ton of them. Some are just one mile walks, some go up to 5 miles, so it depends on your fitness level and how much time you have available.
If I had to leave my house to exercise, it wouldn’t get done, so using DVDs at home (or even online – she has some on her website that can be bought to play on a tablet, or they can be purchased on Amazon instant video too) is the way that works for me.
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M
I just checked out the YouTube version of the walk at home recordings. Thank you for sharing that resource!
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You’re very welcome! I hope you find them as helpful as I do. 🙂
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Patricia,
We used to have a huge house and I was really able to get my heart rate up in there! In our current home I must be more mindful of not running into furniture. Ouch!
I thought I’d share one other thing about this. I love either walking briskly around our neighborhood alone or my indoor jogging, because the side benefit is it’s a great time to focus on things God is working on in my heart. There’s something about having your stress being relieved by the exercise that I find very condusive to focused thoughts.
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April
I am the first of my friends and family to become a respectful, surrendered wife. I am really curious what your experience has been like. Did people notice the changes in you? Did they comment? Were you the last of your friends to surrender?
Thank you
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Rebekah,
Great question! Hmm… well, I immediately backed away from everyone in my life because I realized I was speaking disrespectfully about Greg to them and I was trying to control and being disrespectful toward most of my friends and family, too. I basically just spent time with God, His Word, prayer and over 30 books over an almost 3 year period. I was pretty quiet for a long time.
I shared what I was learning with my twin sister – but she had the opposite issue. She was too quiet and didn’t express her needs and desires and opinions enough. So, she really couldn’t relate to me, and my attempting to share what I was learning made things worse in her marriage, so I had to stop talking with her about it.
I did talk with some of my Christian friends. They were open to the idea. Many of them began this journey, too, eventually.
I really didn’t know anyone who had been on this journey. I had no godly mentoring wife or friends who were living out biblical respect and submission purposefully.
Some people were antagonistic. My family and Greg’s family was ok with what I was doing, as far as I know. Although, it took some adjustments for them to get used to me not being in charge in our marriage, and me checking with Greg before giving an answer. But it was not a really big deal for us.
Most people around me didn’t comment. And most people – at work, etc, didn’t know what I was doing. I only talked about it with a few believers.
You can search on my home page for a post, “Do not expect outside support” that may be helpful.
How is your family responding? How are your friends responding to you? How are things with your husband?
Much love to you!!!!!!! 🙂
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April
I am the first of my friends and family to become a respectful, surrendered wife. I am really curious what your experience has been like. Did people notice the changes in you? Did they comment? Were you the last of your friends to surrender? How do you spend time with couples where the women is disrespectful?
Thank you
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Hi April. Have there ever been times where you have wanted to give up or thought you wouldn’t be able to fight it through another day, even while knowing that God is in control and will never leave you? How did you get through this? What does trusting in God’s will “feel” like when you are going through trials?
I am going through the hardest time of my life – husband is in rehab for addiction and mental health issues, which is hard enough, but in addition he decided just before going in that he is an addict and depressed because he never wanted to be married to begin with and is considering leaving me. I am saved and trying to see God’s will in this and am seeing a counselor for specific advice.
still, most nights I go to bed completely worn out and sad not knowing how I can handle more of this.
Is this normal? I feel like, even when I am calling out to God and studying what scripture says, there are still many nights where I cannot feel hope or joy. Does this mean I am not truly trusting God, and how can I get to that level of trust if I am not?
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Anni,
Oh goodness! You are definitely going through quite a storm right now, my precious sister! I have not been through a husband’s addiction and mental health issues. But, as a pharmacist, I have seen many, many people go through it. Such a tough, tough thing. My heart goes out to you!
I hope that you can see that your husband was not in his right mind when he said what he did. It would sure be convenient if he could blame you for his mental health problems and his addiction. But – I hope you can see that you didn’t have anything to do with either of those issues in his life. He chose to marry you. That was his free choice. He could have chosen not to. Now, you probably have sinned against him in some ways. And it is fine to take responsibility for what you have done wrong and to apologize for anything you did that was sinful against him. But he has to own his own mental health issues and his own addiction and his own choice to marry you. I don’t believe that you need to take that bait, myself. Who knows if he will even feel that way when he is in his right mind again? I vote not to put much weight on that statement at all.
The way it feels when you are going through trials – to me – is that there is this unknown and waiting and there is chaos all around, but – there is this place you can go where you can rest in God’s peace, I think of it almost like reclining in a hammock in the bottom of a ship in a storm, or finding a cave in the side of a mountain to hide in- in the midst of the storm – knowing God is sovereign. You can seek His will and His glory, not knowing what each day will bring, and not knowing the outcome, just trusting and resting in Him. You can learn to rest in God’s love, in His promises and in His peace and sovereignty despite the raging storm all around. You can learn to focus just on today and to let God handle tomorrow. You can learn to seek to be in the center of God’s will yourself and to seek to obey Him and to be sensitive to His Spirit and to let everything else go.
I think what you are feeling is normal. I had written out a long response, and then my tablet froze up. 😦 But, you can choose to focus on God’s promises and to trust Him regardless of your feelings. Feelings are not always trustworthy. When I first began this journey – Greg was very unplugged and withdrawn. He barely spoke to me, barely looked at me, didn’t listen to me and didn’t want to touch me. It was that way for a long time. It took 3.5 years into this journey before he felt safe enough to open up to me and trust me again. That was a long time of me not knowing if Greg would change or if our marriage would improve. I did a lot of waiting on God and on Greg and a lot of being still. I learned to be content even if my husband wasn’t meeting my needs. I learned that Christ is sufficient, and that if I have Him, I have everything I need. I had my motives refined over and over again when Greg wouldn’t respond to my respect. I had to learn to do this just for God, not for my husband.
You can write out all of your fears and decide to believe God’s Word and focus on His character and His power instead of giving in to your fears.
You will have some extra obstacles with what your husband is going through. I am glad that you are seeing a counselor. What does he/she recommend right now?
Do you have any godly friends that are supporting you?
To me, the key is to focus on God and on His Word and to allow Him to change me. As I do that, He works out the rest in ways I never could.
Sending you a huge hug!
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April, would you be comfortable expanding at all on what things were like when Greg didn’t talk to/touch you? My husband will not engage me in anything physical such as spontaneous hugs, kisses, holding hands, caressing, etc., outside of good-bye, hello, and goodnight pecks. Believe me…I’m soooo grateful for those things, but it’s robotic. There’s nothing that says, “Hey! I really like you and find you attractive!” In fact, I recently went to give him a spontaneous hug and he just stood there. It was one of the most demoralizing things that has ever happened. We barely speak about anything of significance. It feels even worse than a roommate situation. It’s so lonely. He does not easily forgive and has built up so much resentment toward me. I have been on the respect journey for some time now and feel like I will never be good enough for him. In fact, sometimes I feel like he takes advantage of the new meek me with few preferences/opinions. Just wondering the magnitude of your experience when you say he didn’t want to touch you or talk to you. Was there anything? Were you intimate at all? I know the solution is to dig in with Christ, and I do that almost constantly, but sometimes I’m just so tired and just want things to be good with us. The not knowing if it will ever get better can get the best of me. I guess it’s just getting up every day and choosing to do the right things all for the glory of God.
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Anon,
What was your husband like when you were first married? Was he more expressive and affectionate then? Or when you were dating?
Please remind me how long you have been on this journey and whether your husband is a believer or not.
It took 3.5 YEARS before my husband felt safe with me again – once I began this journey. It can take a long, long time. Yep. I think the key is to focus just on today and on the sufficiency of Christ. And to focus on any good that there is and to be thankful for that. And when the disappointment sets in, that is my flag to look at my motives. Am I doing this just to please and obey Christ or to try to change my husband?
How long has your husband been shut down physically?
I can absolutely relate to how lonely this is. I am praying for you!!!!
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I haven’t read through all of the questions so I’m not sure if this has been asked yet…
I have a few books I plan to read over the next year but is there 1 book that you would recommend being on my list on biblical womanhood/godly femininity/being a respectful wife? (aside from the bible)
How do I encourage my husband to step up in spiritually leading our family without being overbearing? My dream would be to pray together daily, read the bible together, and have great spiritual discussions as a couple and as a family as our children get older.
Thank you.
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Crystal,
What books have you read already? What ones do you plan to read?
I invite you to search for these posts on my blog home page:
“My Husband Is Not Being a Good Spiritual Leader”
“The Blessing of Having a Husband Who Won’t Pray with His Wife”
“Ways Husbands Lead That Wives Often Don’t Notice.”
And, I encourage you to search these terms as well:
– spiritual
– lead
– leader
– superman
Much love to you!
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I am currently reading “A Woman After God’s Own Heart” by Elizabeth George and “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. I plan to read “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn, “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas, “The Confident Woman”, “The Confident Mom”, and “The Power of Simple Prayer” by Joyce Meyer, “Fierce Women” by Kimberly Wagner, “The Resolution for Women” by Priscilla Shirer, and “The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Obviously not all of these are on the specific topic but will help me in some areas that need some sprucing up, ie prayer, self-confidence, and simply my walk with God.
I will check out the posts you mentioned.
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Crystal,
For Women Only is excellent! I love that book!!! I also loved Sacred Marriage by Gary Thhomas and Sacred Influence by him as well. The Surrendered Wife helped me a great deal, but is not Scripturally based, and some things you have to definitely filter out carefully.
I also loved Grace Filled Marriage by Dr Tim Keller. 🙂
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Are any of the ones you listed great for teaching how to live out the principles? I have been reading a lot of Scripture and reading a couple of books that are great, but I really need applicable ways to make changes. I learn by example for a lot of things in life and if I’m just taught a principle I may not know or be able to figure out how to apply that principle.
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Crystal,
The book by Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only, is more of a guide to understanding men. Not really about exactly what we should do, but it is so helpful to understand their perspectives!
I have tons of posts about respect and godly femininity and biblical submission here. You can search those terms, or look at categories on the right column of my home page. And I have many, many posts with specific examples and suggestions and ideas.
I am assuming that you tend to be more dominant and controlling and that your husband is more passive. Is that correct?
The posts at the top of my home page about respect and disrespect are full of very practical ideas.
And, if you have not read the posts on What Does It Mean to Be an Ungodly Woman and Godly Femininity are pretty practical.
“A Beautiful, Godly Example of Handling Conflict”
“My Husband Wants to Go Where?!?!?”
“A Real Life Example of Biblical Submission and Respect”
“How I Handle the Toilet Seat Being Up – and Other Quandaries”
“When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God”
“The Harry Potter Ride Incident”
“The Washcloth Incident”
“Do We Try to Control Our Husbands’ Jobs?”
“Fear Fuels Our Need to Control”
“Misconceptions and Fears I Had at the Beginning of This Journey”
“I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband (in the Wrong Ways)”
“Praying for Our Husbands So That God Will Hear”
“Respecting Our Husbands Around Extended Family”
Maybe this will give you a jump start.
And, I have a lot of youtube videos about a bunch of topics, too. My channel is “April Cassidy.” Especially the posts about non-verbal disrespect are helpful, in my view.
Much love!
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April,
I laughed when you asked if I tend to be dominant and my husband passive because it is so true and it frustrates me so much because I’ve known this for so long and struggle so much with figuring out how to not be so dominant and overbearing.
Just skimming the titles of your posts you listed there is one about the toilet seat that made me laugh even more. I actually am in the extremely small minority that I don’t care about the toilet seat. I think growing up with 7 brothers helped me to learn it’s going to be left up and it takes 2 seconds to put it down so why fuss about something so minute. (In our 3.5 years of marriage I have sat on the toilet twice without putting the seat down. LOL To me the stats show it should never be a big deal) I have 6 sisters also but they definitely have a problem with the toilet seat. I just never understood why it is such a problem. LOL When my husband realized I never complained about the toilet seat he asked me why. He expected me to because every other woman he knows has complained. I told him I just don’t care about it. He said, “Now that is the #1 reason I will tell people why I married you.” It cracks me up because he told our bible study small group what made him know I was the one was that I don’t care about the toilet seat.
I will definitely check out all of the posts you listed and search for your YouTube videos. Thank you so much!!!
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Crystal,
Ha! That is so cute!!!! 🙂
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Crystal,
I also have a lot of posts where passive husbands share their hearts and how they think that would be really helpful. When you are ready for some more posts, let me know! 🙂
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April,
I have finished reading all of the posts you listed. I still need to do a search on your blog for the different terms you posted.
I have already had a chance to wait patiently for my husband to make a decision. This morning he unfortunately woke up at the time he is supposed to be at work. In the past I would have either pushed him to leave or pushed him to stay depending on my mood that day. Today, I woke him up when I noticed what time it was and that was it. It wasn’t until he made the decision to stay home that I said anything. I told him my plans for the day (something he has asked me to do when he is home) and walked away to take care of our 18 month old daughter. I didn’t ask him to help with the chores I had listed as being a priority for the day. When he got up, on his own he went and cleaned the kitchen for me. He loaded the dishwasher and started it.
I am so thankful God and you encouraged me to stay quiet and allowed my husband to make his own decisions. Because of the peaceful approach, he cleaned the kitchen.
Crystal
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Crystal,
So many women think – very mistakenly – that we lose power when we do things God’s way. But, as you have already seen – you are way more likely to get what you desire when you allow your husband to make his own choices and you respect and honor him as a man. And, it takes WAY less effort than we used to spend trying to nag and criticize and control our men.
God is so good! 🙂
Thank you for sharing!
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Hi April, just wanted to add a fantastic book I read over & over called fascinating womanhood. It has so much detail on the qualities of being a feminine respectful wife and talk about the angelic and human qualities or spiritual and practical. It’s written from a traditional view and it has been such a blessing. There is a study book as well which I downloaded to my kindle but the actual book is on Amazon. Just thought I would mention this book which was recommended on another Christian blog.
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I have requested “The Surrendered Wife” from the library. I can’t wait for it to be available. But in the meantime, I will finish reading other books I have at home.
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The Surrendered Wife has arrived from interlibrary loan. I have read the Introduction with the quiz and Chapter 1. I have some work to do after completing the quiz…oy. I see how some of the ideas aren’t necessarily based on Scripture, but even just through the first chapter there is so much good stuff. Thank you for suggesting it. Since I only have three weeks before I have to return the book, I am going to have to read it fairly fast. But I am taking notes of ideas that really stand out to me so I can refer to it even when I don’t have the book anymore.
April, I don’t think I have seen this before on your blog, but a lot of other bloggers have an account with Amazon or another website that they can link their recommendations of books and it helps support their blog pages. Just a suggestion if you are interested. I don’t know how to do that but I’ve seen a lot of other bloggers with affiliate links.
Crystal
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Crystal,
It definitely has some good stuff. That book really helped me so much. Please do discard what is not biblical. But that book helped me sort through my motives and subconscious thoughts and gave me some practical tools to work with that were SO HELPFUL!
I don’t have an account like that, yet. But, I do need to look into it!
Thanks for the suggestion, my precious sister!
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Wow these are all such good questions! All ones I want to ask as well! So nice having this little “community.”
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Shana,
I know! I love it!
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April, I am happy you are feeling better. Your blog has been a blessing to me. I an single and do visit your peacefulsinglegirl site.
The background:
I am dating a really, really nice guy. He is a believer and I haven’t seen any red flags. I mention this b/c I believe that he is a man of strong, compelling character. Where we differ is in how we express our emotions, specifically love. We are both 35+.
I have a few questions:
1. How do you prepare for the reality marriage (in my case as I am seriously dating someone) without making marriage an idol?
2. Am I being short-sighted, petty, immature when I become concerned that we don’t have enough “fun” in our relationship?
He works a lot (and would be a great provider) and we do not live close to each other (at least 1 hour with traffic) so it’s like we have a long distance relationship despite living 30 miles apart. It’s hard for us to spend quality time (my love language) in person. He does call at least once a day to “check in” and when we do spend time together I enjoy myself.
He gets anxious when it comes time to plan things in the future b/c he’s often thinking about work and travel logistics. In my mind, we don’t spend as much time as I would like AND I feel like we don’t create the kind of memories that I EXPECTED you would in a dating relationship. I am slightly concerned about how this translates to marriage. Will it be boring? Will he not want to do fun things and travel (btw, I have plenty of friends, am active in church, travel with others and by myself so I’m busy – I just prefer to spend time with him).
3. When does it switch? Is there a moment when you feel slightly more secure and able to “relax” in the security of your relationship?
My man is a great guy but I do wonder what it would be like to be married; and what the day-to-day would be like. He is very “steady” in his emotions (unlike me:( That said, I often wonder how he really feels and if he’s excited about marriage, to me. I hate that I even care about this – but I see other ladies so “in love” and so certain that their guy is all in and while I have the day to day proof (he’s man of his word) – I don’t often “feel it”. Is this something that develops over time? What expectations do I need to manage?
I didn’t mean to write so much but you have been such a blessing, I just had to take the risk that you may address even one of my questions 🙂
Thanks!
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TwoP,
These are great questions! I hope to write a post for my other blog, http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com about these in the coming weeks. Much love!
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Hi TwoP, I hope you don’t mind me replying to encourage you a little. 🙂
My husband and I were in a long-distance relationship (3 hours) until the time we got engaged (then it was 1 hour – which is still long, I agree!) and I found that difficult. Like you, I need quality time to feel loved and supported. We talked on the phone every day and that did help.
Unlike you, I was concerned because I have less energy than my husband, so I’m not always up to the hundreds of “fun things” he has planned. We practise compromise *a lot* so that we can both enjoy life together. I do lots of fun things with him – and love it! And likewise, he makes lots of time to relax with me – and he loves that, too! So compromise is the number one thing I would recommend. How does this guy respond to suggestions for compromising with you? Does he come out to do fun things with you, although he lives far away? If so, that’s a good sign.
As for preparing for marriage, all the books I’ve ever read – and my own experiences – say goooo sloooow. I know it’s hard living far apart, but if you rushed into marriage when you weren’t compatible to someone, I think that would be a harder thing to live with.
Again, my husband and I are the opposite of you guys, in that I worried about our future and he was all for getting married from the first month we were dating. We spent a looooot of time praying about it separately before we made any move towards engagement.
I really hope these stories encourage you. I know it’s a long, rough journey sometimes, but know that you’re not alone. Keep praying.
God bless, TJ
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TwoP,
I hope to have a post about this up next week on http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com. Much love!
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I have several posts up in response to TwoP, ladies. Here is the first one:
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TwoP,
If you would be willing to answer a few questions, that would help me as I decide how to address question 2.
1. What does your man like to do for fun?
2. Is he generally introverted, less talkative, and happy at home?
3. Is he responsible with money?
4. Does he take a long time to make decisions to research and think through things thoroughly?
5. What is his relationship like with God?
6. Does he enjoy having a good bit of time to himself?
7. What things are fun to you that aren’t so fun to him?
8. What kinds of memories did you expect to create in a dating relationship?
Much love to you!
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TwoP,
For Question 3,
1. How long have you been dating?
2. Has he talked about marriage himself, like – has he brought up the issue on his own without any prompting from you?
3. Has he been in any serious relationships/marriage before?
4. What is his dad like?
5. What is his parents’ marriage like?
6. What feelings do you expect to have?
7. What do you expect him to do to show he is excited about you?
8. How does he treat you?
9. How does he treat people who mistreat him?
10. Is he forgiving?
11. Is he patient?
12. Do you do much talking about feelings together? If so, what kinds of things does he say?
13. Is he very physically affectionate?
14. Does he give many compliments verbally?
Much love!
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Hello April, since you are a bit younger than me, and as you may be able to see from my last comment, my husband is a bit older than either one of us, I would like you to find a more mature woman in your church whom you look up to and pose this question to her. Ideally, perhaps, a woman who is old enough to have a husband who has retired from his career, although perhaps the man is still working, but not at the same career. “How do you continue to submit to your husband at this stage in your life?”
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Ellen,
I didn’t have a godly wife mentor at my church. I learned all of these things through Scripture and books. However, it seems to me that the biblical principles of submission and spiritual authority are always the same. Yes, circumstances will change, but the roles of a biblical husband and wife do not fundamentally change.
The best piece on submission, in my view, is the post at the top of my home page by a minister in my church who has been married for 60 years called “Spiritual Authority.” Another post by him is “a husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage.” You can search for it on my home page.
Yes, you will be flexible and you may have to adapt and change as your husband’s needs and career changes, but there will not be a big shift in how the dynamics work unless your husband becomes disabled or very ill. Then, there are special changes that wives do need to make to try to help their husbands feel as in charge as possible even when they are very sick. What’s Submission Got to Do with It (a book) addresses a situation like that.
Much love!
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I would like to know if there is any way to create loving feelings on my side? My husband has a long history of being an intimacy avoidant — first he hid himself in alcoholism; God delivered him from alcoholism, then he hid in depression and depressive thinking; God mostly broke the depression a few years ago; off and on he has been hiding himself in pornography and now God has been convicting him on that issue. The hurt of being neglected is particularly painful for me, and over the years I have, as a counselor described, taken my heart “offline” to protect myself from the pain.
I have become much more surrendered and respectful. I make an effort to make love deposits for him: I bike, fish, camp and shoot with him, I go with him to Cabelas and violent movies, I don’t press for sex anymore but am available when he approaches, and I work out three times a week to stay in shape. I make twice as much money as he does but I honestly could care less who makes it as long as we have enough. Lest any wives be hatin’ on me, I’ll admit I’m a total failure in cooking and cleaning.
Sadly, I don’t hear affirmations, he can’t seem to get around to sitting on the couch and talking, much less an interested smile when I step out from the tub. I could respond, I know I could, and we have talked about how love deposits for me could result in those feelings, but he doesn’t sustain it for more than a day.
I’m trying to turn to Jesus for warmth and appreciation but I just wish I could have warm fuzzies towards him like he says he has for me. Sometimes I think I’m permanently shut off. I would appreciate any suggestions.
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Marked Wife,
What is your husband’s personality, my precious sister? Is he an introvert? Does he become energized by being by myself? Is he generally not very verbal? What does he do for a living? How verbal was he before marriage?
Much love!
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Marked Wife,
If your husband is still involved in pornography – that is quite a challenge for a wife. Very discouraging and painful.
Here is a story of a wife whose husband had quite a severe addiction to porn and God gave both of them victory in time. It took a long time. But – God is being glorified in their marriage and lives now.
God Equips and Empowers a Wife to Stand Firm in the Face of Her Husband’s Sin”
Some very helpful resources for wives – http://www.xxxchurch.org and Brent Riggs has an ebook to help husbands and wives who are facing this in their marriage at http://www.brentriggs.com under the book section.
It is difficult to come up with warm fuzzies for a man who is shut down and involved in unrepentant sin. To be sure. What does the counselor suggest you do at this point?
How is your walk with Christ?
What was your husband like before you were married? Was he ever very verbal or into long, deep discussions?
The thing with you getting out of the tub – depending on the severity of the porn addiction – eventually, some men can no longer be turned on by their wives or any real life woman, but only by porn. As I am sure you are probably already aware. How severe is his addiction?
How does he interact with you at this point?
Sending you a huge hug and praying for you, my sweet sister!
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Thanks for the comments, April, and thank God for the anonymity of the Internet so we can ask the things here we could never ask at church?!
Husband is an Introvert. He grew up with a domineering sister so you could see why we married (ha!). He was never very verbal but more so affectionate. I know he was like that when we were married (so young, I was almost 21 and he was 24)– what I didn’t know was how strong my need for affirmations, undivided attention and intimate conversation would become! And of course, because one is so starved, the minute any attention shows up, you cling to it like it’s the last ounce of bread on earth.
He has earnestly been trying to rid himself of the porn addiction, he said it is much harder to give up than the booze ever was. He has attended classes at church for men struggling with this sin, watched Somebody’s Daughter, attended a men’s conference on it, and put Triple-X filters on all the computers. Then he thought he could work around the filter but his accountability partner busted him. He sees a counselor every other week and has off and on for about 10 years (we don’t see a marriage counselor any more). He has been porn abstinent now for about two months.
And he just changed his antidepressant to Brintellix which is working alot better than the Zoloft, especially with having less sexual side effects.
I don’t think I have so much problems with the porn. I get the addiction. I don’t judge him for it. It’s more an issue for me trying to have any feelings for him more than a neighborly concern. I hear these women say, “oh, my husband drives me crazy but I love him to death,” and I think, who are these women who can maintain love for their husbands?
The last marriage counselor we saw said it came from lack of reciprocity, like I bounce a ball to my husband and it just lands flat and doesn’t come back. Still I can’t change that. It’s so difficult for me to summon up any feelings on my side. I used to love and enjoy him a long time ago. Then it seemed like my needs grew and great until they outgrew him.
I was just hoping somebody might have found something that works to help me get my feelings back…
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Hello April,
I’m happy you are feeling better. I hesitate to post this question. I was hoping someone else would ask first so here goes. What should a Christian wife do when her Christian husband is viewing internet porn?
This has been a constant struggle throughout our marriage. No matter how many times I have confronted him, it just keeps happening. He is unaware I know about his recent activity because to be honest, I’m tired of the confrontations and the excuses(or lack of one) for his behavior. I worry mostly about his salvation as a result of this sin.
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Regina,
That is an extremely common issue, you are not alone at all on this.
I have an old post about this that I wrote for another site, let me see if I can find it.
Also, Brent Riggs has An affordable e-book to help couples whee one is addicted to porn at http://www.brentriggs.com under his book section.
And, http://www.xxxchurch.org has a lot of resources for couples who are dealing with porn addiction that are very good and generally Scripturally centered, as well.
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Regina,
I found it!!!
I plan to post it this Saturday. 🙂
Much love, my precious sister!
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Regina, I am sure you saw my post – but just wanted to let the ladies know I had a post about handling a husband’s porn issues this past week.
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Lately, I have thought it might be helpful for someone to do a post regarding which comes first – rebellion or control. I have heard several conversations recently where women have commented that they wouldn’t need to rebel if their husbands were not so controlling. I don’t know if this is accurate, though. It seems to me that if we fell under our husbands’ God- given authority from the start, there would be no need for controlling behavior from them. Even if they tightened the reigns, we would joyfully adjust. . .
To me, this started in the Garden – with rebellion. But, I have also heard it said that God was “controlling” the environment by limiting the trees to eat from. If there had been “freedom” instead of “control”, there wouldn’t have been rebellion.
I hope it wouldn’t cause too much controversy to discuss it, but I have found it to be an interesting discussion, as it has been the foundation of several separations/pending divorces around me.
Glad you are feeling better 🙂
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FreeIndeed,
Hmm.. that may be interesting. Of course, God had to give people a choice to rebel against Him somehow, or they didn’t have free will. So, in my view, He was not being controlling, but giving them freedom.
Of course women will have reasons to justify their rebellion and sin. We always have ways to justify any sin, don’t we?
Marriage is a dynamic between two people. One can make things much harder for the other. Or they can make it easier by their own godly actions and obedience to God.
Most men are less controlling when their wives honor their leadership. But there may be a few who may be controlling no matter what. Still, God can empower us to walk in obedience to Him and submission to Him no matter what our husband is or is not doing, thankfully!
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How do you get your own personal time in marriage when your husband doesn’t really see you as an individual? In other words my husband just sees me as a wife and mother and nothing more. He has his own free time to do as he pleases and gets out of the house. I just work, come home be a wife and a mother. I miss doing some of the fun things I used to do for me. I feel like I am going crazy. He says that he doesn’t stop me from doing things but how can I when he is never home?
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Sad Wife,
What if you arrange for childcare with a friend, relative or sitter and go do what you want to do sometimes that you will enjoy?
Or, what if you say in a friendly, pleasant voice, with a smile – probably in passing, “Honey, I would like to go to X next week from 6:00pm until 8:00pm. Would you please watch the kids for me? Thanks so much for considering it.” Then, give him some time to think about it. He may surprise you and be willing to help out if you ask specifically for when you need help. 🙂
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From andra_sn5,
Hi April,
My husband initiated the separation over a year ago. He fluctuates from being fairly quiet in our interactions to often blowing his temper, yelling and cursing at me, so I’m on eggshells most of the time. He says he needs me to back off and not question him repeatedly about things until he blows up. We have little communication—he tends to go through this cycle of isolating me and cutting me off after he’s lost his temper. This often lasts for a few weeks or months and then he comes back home for awhile and leaves again. He is a Christian, but he is very prideful and stubborn.
I believe God wants me to grow up in Him and rely on Him to take care of me during this time. I had some big holes in my heart when I married due to some father issues. He also has some big childhood wounds that he’s not dealt with. Rejection has been a huge issue in my life, (the enemy definitely had that in mind when we separated) but God is really healing my heart in this area!
I have been in solid Christian counseling throughout this whole time. My husband currently says he won’t go.
I’m just praying that both of us will submit to the love of God and do the work we need to do so our marriage will thrive, despite every attempt to cause us to fail. We both have a lot of growing up to do. I just have no idea how to respect his position but not the behavior. Thanks so much for your help
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Andra_sn5,
Does he have any mental health issues, addictions, or is there infidelity going on?
Why does he say he leaves and what does he say he needs from you?
What does your counselor suggest for you to do?
How do you respond when he blows up?
Are you able to just leave him alone? Does he come back on his own if you do that?
What are things like when he comes back?
What kinds of questions do you feel compelled to ask?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
What was your parents’ marriage like?
How long have you been married?
What was your marriage like in the beginning?
Much love!
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I have a question on this verse: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
Do you think this means we should NOT have elaborate hairstyles, gold jewelry or fine clothes? Or does it mean that IF you have these things, your beauty should not be defined by them…you should be sure to have a gentle and quiet spirit as well?
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Anon,
I believe that it could be interpreted either way. I think the main point is that we should not be depending on external beauty and adornment for our worth and acceptance – but on the inner character of godliness that God forms in us. This would be something that each of us must wrestle with and prayerfully consider, seeking to please God far above all else.
Great question!
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How to deal with negative People at work who continue to talk about sin even when you ask them not to.
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Shy,
please check my home page for “gossip.” Much love!
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I’ve read that it doesn’t addresses the issues. But I’ll re-read it to make sure.
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Someone called me a bible thumped lol
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I have really been studying what you told me yesterday about having sin in my heart… Of course I do… All o the ones you mentioned… I have been in the word and sorting out lots of whys and how’s to figure out how to over come this.
Here is what I am struggling with
Fear! At this moment I am fearful, insecure, jealous and needy and am feeling an overwhelming urge to wake my husband up and ask… Where is your cell phone! This is a huge issue with me… I told you he cheated 3 years ago. I caught him on the phone with her. He confessed to everything even giving me details and being very open to me about it. I have told him many times that I forgive him and he throughout the 3 years has told me several times that he is very sorry and he regrets it because it hurt not only me but our entire family.. Yet he is still very possessive with his phone and will not under any circumstances let me use, Touch or see his phone.. We have had countless arguments about this! Just a few months ago i I caught his phone unattended and found a text message from another woman… He swears he never met up with her and they had only texted for about 3 days… He still now won’t let me see, touch, or use his cell and as of right now I have no idea where he even keeps it!! My question is how to I handle this in a godly way? I don’t want to cause an argument but I want transparency. Would giving him an ultimatum be wrong? I love him but I wasn’t born yesterday. I want a trustworthy husband someone that doesn’t feel like hay have to hide anything from me. Am I wrong? That’s where the control, nagging, and constant lashing out comes from… I know its still sin no matter what my motives are or what wrongs have been done… I guess I just need guidance to deal with this in a godly way so that I don’t ruin any hope for recovery for both of us. He always makes it my fault and I am always the one that is wrong. I don’t want to fight I just wan to start building trust
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A N,
I am sure you know this in your head, but maybe not in your heart – but, the more you try to force him to do anything, the more you will repel him. A man doesn’t want his wife to be his “mother” or his “parole officer.” I think you are sabotaging yourself by trying to control him in this way.
I understand why you want transparency. I believe you and he both need him to be transparent. But I don’t think that this approach will work.
You sinning against him won’t make him fall down at your feet in contrition, humility and love for you.
There is a cycle of sin where one of you sins against the other, and that encourages the other to continue his/her sin, and it just spins out of control.
One of you has to stop the cycle.
Guess who you can control?
I am sure your husband knows that you want him to be transparent. I am sure you have communicated that to him quite clearly. I am positive that he knows you want access to his phone.
He is not giving that to you.
Are both of you believers in Christ?
How do you treat him, what do you say, when you want to check his phone and he won’t let you?
Do you genuinely think he may be cheating on you now?
What are the things you want from him?
What does he want from you?
Do you understand that your approach is repelling him and making it impossible for him to come close to you? Do you realize you are pushing him away?
What do you want your marriage to be like?
Much love to you!
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Hie I would like to ask, what kind of marriage is it when huby doesn’t recognise the special days like anniversary and birthdays? What should a wife do in such cases?
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Sukoluhle,
It is possible that your husband is purposely being thoughtless or uncaring. But it is also possible that he may just not be that good with dates or that celebrating anniversaries or birthdays may not be a big deal to him. Does he pay a lot of attention to other people’s birthdays? What does he want to do on his birthday? What does he say about these dates. And how do you respond to him when he doesn’t give you the attention you desire?
Much love!
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Hi April,
Quick question for you. I would like to switch to wearing only dresses/skirts, like you do, for the same reasons you do. My husband is not against that, but I sense he also likes to see me wearing things like trendy skinny jeans with high heels when I go out with him. He’s not asking me to dress immodestly by any means, he just likes me to look hip, sharp, fabulous. Is it ok for me to dress to please him when I’m out with him, even though I think I should be wearing dresses and flats and not calling attention to myself?
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Shannon,
That is something to hash out between God, your husband and yourself. Ask God for wisdom and to help you check your motives. You can explain your concerns to your husband, of course. And you can pray for God to give your husband and yourself His wisdom. 🙂
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What do you see as the difference between a carnal Christain (1 Cor 3) and having a demon’s belief in God? (James)?
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Anon.,
A carnal Christian may just be immature – but may be justified and saved. Just still a baby in the faith. Someone who only has mental assent that God exists but does not live for Him or trust Him has not been saved. I personally cannot begin to know a person’s heart enough to tell the difference myself. They can look very similar from the outside to a human’s perspective. Ultimately, God will be the one to judge their hearts.
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April,
I came across this Encourge Your Husband challenge today https://www.reviveourhearts.com/resource-library/30-day-challenges/30-day-husband/. I was wondering if you planned to do something similar again like the Respect Dare that you’ve done in the past. I know I can and am going through the posts you did for the Respect Dare but for newer followers of your blog, I wondered if you might do it again or something similar.
Crystal
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Crystal,
That is exciting! Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Hmmm… I loved doing the Respect Dare. I don’t know right now if I will do something like that again. I will definitely pray about it!
I loved when I went through The Respect Dare for the first time. I remember feeling like I got to unwrap a gift every morning when I read the story and the dare. It was so much fun!
Challenges are a great idea. Thank you for the suggestion!
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Hi April,
I’m not very good at on the spot decision making or advice giving. So when my husband asks my opinion or to make a decision NOW I panic. ( it could be as simple as driving home and wanting to know if I want McDonald’s for dinner or not and if I don’t then We keep on driving) sometimes I just don’t know what I want and that ticks him off. So he will just say fine then, I’ll just keep going. ( for example) am I making sense? He knows i struggle in this area and he thinks he is encouraging me to start making snap decisions when asked. But all it does is cause stress and conflict. Which I hate.
Thanks for your blog! I wish more women would step out in faith like this. I know one women who has torn down her house. Her 6 kids have been taken away by cps with little chance of getting them back.she is getting a divorce,declared bankruptcy, and lost her house. And she still declares she is a believer and thinks she has done no wrong and is being persecuted. It’s so sad to see. And even though this is a blog, I feel a sense of order and calm and peace as I read. What a breath of fresh air! God bless you!
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Megan,
It is so great to hear from you!
I have a dear friend who struggles with making decisions many times, too. She needs time to process things and to decide what she wants. I used to try to force my husband into quick decisions. That is not his personality. It is my personality. Now, I realize he just needs time. That is not wrong – he is just different. 🙂
How do you like to make decisions? Do you care where you eat? How do you process what you are thinking and feeling?
Maybe a personality inventory test could be helpful – like Myers-Briggs. Then you and your husband can talk about your differences in personality and in decision-making style.
Maybe you don’t care if you go to McDonald’s or not. Maybe he cares more and maybe if he does, that would be a great decision for him to make?
If he knows you struggle with coming up with verbalizing your feelings, thoughts and decisions quickly, maybe you can ask, respectfully, for more time – or for him to make the quick decisions, and just give you the chance to veto an idea if you don’t want to do something. So, he could say, “I’d like to go to McDonald’s for supper – is that ok with you?” And if you hate the idea, maybe you can say you don’t want to go. Maybe that would be easier than feeling like the whole decision is on you?
I would love to see more blogs from women who tend to be more quiet and passive with more dominant husbands – that is a dynamic that I cannot really represent well, but it is a much needed ministry opportunity.
We are all capable of destroying our families and marriages. That is for sure. We have so much power to tear down or to build up. How I pray God will help us learn to die to our old sinful selves and that destructive power and to use His power for good and to bless, build up, and honor our husbands and families.
Much love!
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Hi Megan
Happened to see your comment just now and can relate to that. I have the same problem with decision making. And putting stress in a situation makes it often worse not better. I used to go in silence but on this blog I learned that it is important to somehow say if I do not know what to do.
So if I now have to pack I tell my husband that I am nervous about that and do not know what to pack.
Often he gives his ideas then, and if out of insecurity I want to take more than neccesary he will just say well its okay take the big suitcase. He is going to pack the car so I let him set the limits and that does help. Though still I will need a lot of time to decide what to take.
He will than give me reminders like are you packing already, in good time and mostly when he tells me the deadline for beeing ready it is well ahead of the real deadline he has in mind himself allowing me my last minutes of panick and then still have time for cooling down and get my mind clear. It has helped a lot that I started stating the problem simple. Like I do not know what I want what do you want. Or I would for a time simply take his question and turn it in my mind into a wish. So would you like to go to the take aways, becomes “I would like to do so”.statement And tell him okay that is a good idea. I simply asume often he will have a reason for his proposal and if I do not have any ideas or wants in that case his is a good idea. It is simply the question form that makes me nervous. Would he say lets do this I would simply follow and be happy about it.
The problem for me was I panicked was afraid to take a wrong decision and went blank. My head stops functioning. I had to learn to simply state that without a lot of words.
So my options are simply state I do not know, it makes me nervous or turn his question into his wish.
My husband has made it more clear to me he hates it when I do not answer and when I am overwhelmed I will turn silent wich makes it impossible for him to now what I want or to get him the information he needs to make a decision.
This blog has learned me I need to answer him. If I am thinking I need to say that: I need to think about it. If it is a needs to be done now thing, I must answer and simply accept it if it was a wrong decision.
And simply make an appology in that case.
Or state cleary I really do not know what do you want and turn the question around to him.
He will not always accept that and say no no I was first.
So than I know the decision is mine. If I have no wish whatsoever I make his question his wish.
And in that case I need to accept it and be happy about it.
If he gets annoyed till example I packed too much I will say sorry I just can’t decide and than he will give his thoughts helping me to decide.
The most important thing was to learn to communicate this and to stop bashing myself about that.
Also I needed to accept that It was a form of disrespect to not want to take decisions out of fear.
I am still learning since I found this blog dec. 2012 and it is many small steps but the respect angle did help me find better ways to deal with this.
Part of the problem is I need time to decide and part is fear to take the wrong decision and part is simply not feeling a want att all.
That makes it complex to handle and in the moment makes it often difficult to understand even for myself
So I learned that if I cannot talk because the words dissapear in my head I still do have to say that. Sometimes by letting my body talk instead. I make it sort of funny, wave my hands and make funny sounds to say that the words are just not there right now. It is not an act I just let my body answer and the motions come natural and my husband did understand it right away so that made it easier. I had found a way to tell him that not only did I not know I could not even say so for the words wheren’t there. He now knows that he must take his time let me calm down and wait for the words to return.
Hope this helps a bit, it is just my experience but I always feel glad if I hear of other people wrestling with similar problems.
Big hug to you.
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My husband and I have been married a little over 3 years. We have 2 children. He has recently befriended a single man and they hunt every weekend, all day Saturday (the only full off day we all get). This summer they fished all the time as well.
Am I wrong to be aggravated that I am alone with our children the only time we could all do something together?
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Sally,
Great to hear from you. This is a super common issue. It would make a great post!
How is your relationship when you do get to be together?
Have you asked your husband for more time? How did you ask?
What was his response?
What do you do when he doesn’t give you more time?
How is your walk with Christ?
What did he used to do before he started hanging out with this friend?
Is the friend a godly guy? Or, is your husband ministering to him?
What mood is your husband in when he gets back?
What are you doing that you enjoy for yourself?
Much love!
April
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Hi April, sorry just another quick question! i see you have been very busy answering all of our varied questions!
I have read on your blog about being filled with the Holy Spirit and keeping ‘topped up’ with the Spirit so we are able to keep strong, keep respecting, having the strength and peace to handle different situations with our husbands, family…etc…
and how doing the right thing will be impossible if we don’t have his spirit helping and guiding us.
Please could you just explain a little bit about how you do this, what you actually do…what it looks like to keep ‘topped up in the spirit’..in everyday life?
I’m sure it means i should make more time for God…but i would love to know what you do to achieve this..
I’m thinking i don’t do enough…
Thanks,
xx
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JuR,
That is an awesome topic for a post! But, basically, it involves, watching my motives and immediately confessing and repenting of anything sinful that God reveals to me in my heart. And staying in God’s Word daily. And staying in a constant mode of prayer. But, especially, spending some very intense time in prayer on a daily basis – for me, that involves journalling. And it involves a daily yielding of myself fully to God, holding nothing back, trusting Him and His sovereignty over all of my circumstances, and holding everything loosely in my life except for Christ.
Much love!
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April Hi. My name is April. I love your blog and what God has given you to do for women. I just created a blog centered around keeping women encouraged as they follow Christ in all areas of their life. Is it possible to get in contact with you to ask some questions and get your feed back. Id love for you to be featured on my blog. Take a look kew2014.blogspot.com
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April,
It is such a pleasure to meet you! I can’t wait to hear all about what God is doing in your life!!! Let me check it out. 🙂
Much love,
April
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Hi April, this is a pretty difficult question to ask and I can’t be too specific. Right now I am looking for answers in the Gods word. But I can’t find anything specific for this situation…I was in christian denomination my whole life. I loved God but unfortunately didn’t know His word enough to look out these type of groups.. Anyways to make a really long story short I converted to this other religion because I believed it at the time but now I’m scared I was wrong. And now I’m married to a loving but devote person who also belongs to this religion. I’m trying to be submissive and go along with it as much as I can. But they don’t believe the trinity for example. Among many other different things…I’m sure by now you know which group/religon I’m talking about. My question.is this my lot in life now? I joined this religion got.married and was so easily removed from the true gospel 😦 what now? Will Jesus have mercy on me even though.I.am.now a part of this “group” that says they agree with the Bible but that it is.not the only the word of God.
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Anonymous,
If you are part of a false religion, please pray that God will make a way for you to leave. That doesn’t mean you should divorce your husband. I Corinthians 7 talks about that. I pray for God’s wisdom for you, my precious sister!
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Hi Anonymous,
Sending you a hug…this is definitely one for April to answer, but I only have the following suggestion…..
I am assuming that this other religion just doesn’t feel right..?..and that you love Jesus and know in your heart that the Bible is truth..?!…
Well, I would definitely pray to God and pray about the whole situation. I think if it was me, i would recommit my life to Jesus (privately of course), he knows our heart…
In the meantime….are you able to have a little talk to your husband and tell him how you feel? perhaps gently explaining that you feel certain what you know in your heart. If you pray lots beforehand, you can ask the Holy Spirit to give you the right words to say. You can say it gently but seriously and hopefully your husband will understand….and you can take it from there…this could take, days, weeks or months…i don’t know…
If you cant tell him, then you could pray that your husband realises…God can break through these situations. I am not 100% sure which group you are referring to!…but hopefully they are not too scary!
Lots of love and I will pray for you.
x
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Thank you for your response and encouragement April and Jur.
I was actually very open with my husband when I started to see the contradictions in the religion. And when I started to see the truth. Even though they claim that the bible is Gods word they believe we have a living prophet here on earth that speaks for God. And therefore their religion is the only CORRECT one that is from God. The people who belong to this religion are really kind good hearted people they truly believe what they are apart of…The religon itself is very appealing to an outsider but when you start to learn some of the doctorines and beliefs things dont really add up to the bible.
I was very vocal with my husband when i started to have questions about it and wasn’t always respectful about it. I tried supporting him as well as going to a different church. But it lead to many disagreements and arguments and recently he was going to leave me for veering away from his beliefs. It was a very scary time and an eye opening one as well. He is a wonderful man and husband…but the religion is pretty much all or nothing. They do not leave any room to be backslider. They want you to be fully involved and ensure that you are so that you wont fall away.. I have made a lot of changes in the past few months in my becoming a respectful wife journey..And they have so benefited our relationship and my relationship to Jesus. But the most difficult thing is FEAR for being involved in this. And wondering what God thinks. Am I doing the right thing? I just wish Jesus could tell me exactly what to do. I cant leave the religion my husband will divorce me. He hasnt said that in those words but he would. And I dont want that at all. I guess the only thing I can do is pray…
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Hi April,
How should a wife respond to a husband who feels disrespect outside of our home, at work etc.? what should a wife do to comfort and encourage him?
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Mei-ah,
Such a painful situation! I think a wife can do all she can at home to show honor, support, encouragement, and respect. She cannot change the way people treat him at work. She can certainly pray about the situation and express her confidence that he can handle it and that the disrespect is unjustified. And if a wife is ever at work in front of these people, she can demonstrate great respect for her husband in front of them. Sometimes that has a big impact.
Praying for wisdom for you!
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Mei-ah,
My husband has had this happen to him as well! It affected him greatly… he even sank into depression, which is something he has NEVER struggled with (I have, my whole life!). It was draining for everyone involved… his temper was shorter and he struggled to get out of bed to go to work every day. I felt an immense sympathy toward him during this time and did everything in my power to do as April said and be respectful of him. There were things being neglected around the house because of the depression, but even mentioning it to him caused him to think that because he didn’t do that task, he was no good as a husband/father either… I quickly reassured him that he’s a GREAT father and husband, and made a mental note to give him an extra dose of grace during this time. I still failed at times, of course, but I was more mindful about it. I was a listening ear when he wanted to talk, and when he didn’t, I tried not to press it. One thing we did (that I think could have helped him) was I made a poster that said, “Best Daddy EVER!” and had the girls sign it… I also encouraged them to tell him how much they love and adore him. Sometimes I felt like I was just guessing as to how to respond (just doing my best and a lot of prayer and asking God what I should do), but partway through the ordeal he made the comment that I made him feel valued and respected, even though he didn’t feel that way at work. It made me feel really special, to know that he’d noticed all of the support I tried to give him along the way.
His situation involved a learning disability and my needing to help him acquire doctor’s notes, schedule appointments… even an evaluation by a therapist (psychoeducational testing, I believe they call it). We were all pretty stressed out during this time, but I did my best to be supportive to him, and he noticed. I’m not sure what your husband’s situation is, but I’m praying for you both.
As April said, demonstrating respect toward him in front of others can have a HUGE impact. I believe I read about this in “For Women Only,” but I believe Shaunti Feldhaun said something about how much it means when a woman brags on or is respectful of her man in front of other men. The men tend to think, “Wow, if she feels that way about him and she’s with him ALL the time, then he must be a pretty respectable guy!” On the flip-side of that, when we are disrespectful to them in front of other men, they can think, “If she feels that way and she’s the one who knows him best, he must not be very respectable.”
And this may seem unrelated (but to our husbands, it’s totally related), but I also tried to make myself available to him sexually when he needed it. Because I knew his frame of mind had become “I am a failure,” I did my best to be engaged and be very careful not to say “Not now” too often. There were more than a few times that he’d tell me afterward, “Thanks, I really needed that.” We don’t need it, but they do. Rejecting our husbands in that way can be VERY painful to them, especially when they’re already vulnerable. I’m certainly not an expert about these things… reading Love and Respect and some of the other books April recommends has really opened my eyes… but even before I read the book, I think I was allowing God to tell me what I needed to do, even if I didn’t know why it was important to do it. Of course I still fail on a daily basis, but I am trying to move in the right direction. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this with us so we can pray for you all! 🙂 God bless you!
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Blessedout,
Thank you so much for sharing with Mei-ah! I greatly appreciate your encouragement, suggestions, and the way you extend love to our sisters.
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Thanks, April! I’m just returning the favor you’ve done for me! 😀
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April – I came upon your site while researching loyalty. I am a Pastor and was encouraged to see how you are mentoring and helping other women to grow closer to Christ. I pray the Lord will continue to fill you each day and am blessed the way you honor Him and His Word. Keep up the good work. In His Love – Joe
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Joe Spair,
It is a pleasure to meet you! Thank you so much for the encouragement and especially for the prayer.
Much love in Christ, my brother!
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I want to stop and thank you for your kind words of encouragement the other day on my depression from 5 years of unemployment. As I mentioned I was having some dark days and needed an uplift, so I appreciate your kind and spiritual words.
A few days later our washer broke, so it is my time to shine and be the hero I CAN be because the Sears guy will charge labor and mark-up on the fix-it fee. It’s a total rebuild on the most complex pieces. My wife asked me the probability to fix it and I was reluctant but gave her the 95% chance of me fixing it with no help except u-tube. Needless to say, the hot water valve for the washer is leaking from a faulty valve in the wall. It leaked for 30 minutes around the time I was getting my daughter off the bus. There was water everywhere. I texted my wife about the problem after I shut off the main water line. In her response text, she instructed me to go and shut off the main…now, this is a very minor issue. I only responded in my text as, “really?” Her instruction to me was disrespectful because I DO know how the world works and I AM rebuilding our washer. My complaint is not in her statement, it’s in the attitude that drove her to doubt me at all! I feel that if the wife cannot trust her husband with simple stuff, how can she trust him in leadership? I try to NOT teach her directly about disrespect by saying other things. I have other examples but the material here on this blog does enough.
I suppose I am trying to show her “love” more. Fixing the washer is one way because I could claim that it is beyond my expertise and she would accept that. Instead I use U-tube often to fix stuff. Really, the cat is out of the bag, she knows I use internet videos to fix stuff, but I still get ‘hero’ status. I just wish she could accept it as a love offering…whadoyathink?
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Jeff,
You are most welcome! My pleasure. 🙂
I think it would be ok to say, “Honey, when you tell me to turn off the water main, I know thatfrom a woman’s perspective, you are simply offering a helpful suggestion and that you have no intention of insulting me. In a man’s world, things look very different. A man who knows how proficient I am at fixing things wouldn’t tell me to turn off the water main, he would respect that I would figure that out.”
I sincerely doubt that your wife doubted you. I can absolutely see how a husband would feel that way now that I have been studying men and godly respect for so many years. But I am SURE I said very similar things to Greg in the past and had zero clue that what I was saying was anything but helpful.
In a woman’s world, we offer suggestions to each other all the time. No big deal. Take them or leave them. That is part of how we show love. We don’t mean to imply the person is incompetent at all. And we jump in to help other women without being asked because we believe that is what love does. “You’re doing the dishes and trying to help the kids with homework, here I’ll take care of the dishes for you because I love you.” For a woman not to jump in and help without being asked would seem unloving in a woman’s world. Of course, these things often come across disrespectfully in a man’s world and then we are completely baffled. We showed love, and our men are offended. And we conclude – wrongly – that our men don’t love us like we love them. We don’t realize that many times our men are showing us respect and we interpret that as a lack of love. And many times wives show their husbands love and husbands interpret that as a lack of respect. No wonder so many couples get on “the crazy cycle” so much! (from Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs)
Fixing the washer is a wonderful way to show your love for her. You may even say that to her in a gentle way. “Honey, my fixing things around the house is a way that I show you how much I love you. And it is a way I am able to provide for you and the family. I’m so glad I can do these things for you.” I am sure she would appreciate it so much! Lots of women don’t think of husbands working to provide or husbands fixing things around the house as ways they show love – until a husband shares that with us. THEN we are able to properly interpret his acts of love and service and appreciate them more. Many women think of love as being expressed with compliments, words of love, etc… But we women are pretty good with learning new “languages” and if a husband can be patient and teach us what he is saying, we can absolutely learn to speak his language and appreciate all the ways he shows us his love.
Thanks so much for the comment!
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Jeff, I think it’s so wonderful that you are fixing the washer. I absolutely love it when my husband fixes things for me and even when he changes the burned out light bulbs. Any guy who can fix things is so admired, both by men and women.
Just a question: could it be that the “turn off the main!” text was simply an anxious reply to your text about water everywhere? Just reading about it made me feel a little anxious and I know I would freak out if I got a text like that from my husband. Just an idea, looking from the other side.
Also thank you for getting busy even with depression hanging around. My husband has battled depression as well. It really can be a relationship-killer so thank you for doing your part to be productive. And thank you for sharing your feedback. It was very enlightening.
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I did indeed ask her lightly about her comment and I lightly asked if she really thought I wouldn’t think of the water main valve. She responded just as you both said.
Needless to say, she wanted credit for suggesting we call for the homeowners insurance to make a claim on the water damaged floor. I did all the footwork.
Then I said this: “together we can take over the world. When we do things separately, we are not as effective.”
Anyway, I got a smooch for that one.
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Jeff,
Aw! I love the thought of teamwork and unity in marriage. So powerful! Great job!!!
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I agree! One of the most helpful things I’ve heard since I got married (and it should have been common knowledge, but sometimes we forget these simple truths) is that we’re on the SAME TEAM. I don’t need to try and “beat” him and he doesn’t need to try and “beat” me: we need to work together! Thanks for the reminder, Jeff! 😀
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I struggle with this same thing. April did a really good job of explaining it. In fact, most of the time, when I make a suggestion to my husband, I know there’s a 90% chance that he either already did what I’m suggesting or already thought to do it and will (just maybe not necessarily in my timing).
I just say it anyway, I guess because that’s how I’m programmed. I need to be more mindful of how this appears to my husband, however.
I also need to set him up for success by clarifying when there IS something he misses (regarding how I’d like him to relate to me or what I really mean when I say something… I have tried this before and when I clarify first, it goes MUCH better than when I expect him to read my mind). I don’t remember what it was regarding, but recently I told him, “Before I answer you, I just want you to know that I honestly DON’T mind which you choose. I won’t be upset or mad at you… I have no preference whatsoever.” This enabled him to confidently tell me what he wanted to do, rather than wonder if there was a hidden “answer” I was waiting for. 😛 I am appalled at how programmed he is to go out of his way and ignore his thoughts because he’s worried I’ll be upset/grumpy. Of course, I don’t want him to walk all over me, but I’m not afraid of that happening at all because he’s such a thoughtful man. I would love for him to start expressing himself more. I know he has a lot more wisdom and logic than I do in many areas. 😛
My husband is EXTREMELY patient with me and very communicative, even when I probably don’t even deserve an explanation. I find this very helpful, because he allows me to see it from his perspective. Of course, I still don’t understand everything he does, but I know for a fact that he’s talked to me before about how it sounds when I offer a “suggestion”. Even when I offer suggestions for things he knows are difficult for him feel like an insult, because he’s gone his whole life having things like his grammar corrected (he married a grammar queen, and unfortunately, it took me a while before I learned that one), and when I do it, to him it’s saying, “You have little value because you can’t spell properly,” or “I’m better than you are because this is so simple, yet you can’t grasp it.” However, that wasn’t my intention at all. I honestly thought he could learn proper grammar if I began correcting it. He basically said, “No matter how many times you try and explain it to me, I can’t… so just don’t.” He then used the example of the computer for me (which he is amazingly good at, whereas I don’t know what I’m doing half the time, especially if it happens to do with hooking up cords and such). He said, “How would you feel if you went your whole life with people trying to “help” you with computers, but you just couldn’t get it? How would you feel if they corrected you every single time you call the monitor a modem, but you still couldn’t remember which was which? Would you feel encouraged or discouraged?” I then realized what he meant… and I vowed to do a better job of not correcting his grammar (or other peoples’).
Anyway, I realize that last paragraph went on a bit of a tangent (sorry about that) but I wanted to thank you, Jeff, for reminding me of something I need to work on. 🙂
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Jenn,
Actually, I can totally relate to that last paragraph and I know I won’t ever “just get” computers. I think that was a perfect illustration!
Thank you so much for sharing!
Would you mind if I repost your comment in the comment section on today’s post on this subject, as well?
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Of course I wouldn’t mind… please do! Anything that will help! I haven’t had a chance to read the post yet but I’m very much looking forward to it! 😀 (It’s actually been really hard not to read yet! LOL)
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Thanks so much, Jenn!
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I wanna high five or fist bump him right now! Again, together we as Christian couples need to do things together.
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Haha! 😀 Thanks, Jeff! I’ll let him know! I like telling him when he’s being awesome, and his patience with me is definitely awesome. 🙂
Doing things together is another thing we’ve been working on. I wanted to lose a few pounds (I was on a medication that made me hungry ALL the time and I gained about 18 lbs on it, which is more than I’ve ever weighed except when I was pregnant). Even losing 8 lbs would be nice because that’s what I weighed when I got married. I’ve been struggling with being too sedentary (I’ve cut back on my eating but I believe I haven’t seen a change because I became very sedentary on the medicine and hadn’t gotten back to being active), and I asked him to help me out.
He was VERY helpful, offering to go on walks with me 3x a week (I asked if it could just be 2, since Wednesdays are very busy for both of us, and I would actually be walking 4/5 days of the workweek, 2 of them on my own time). We’ve been enjoying our family walks and it’s so encouraging to me, to know that he’s helping me lose it. He’s never made me feel guilty for gaining the weight (he tells me I’m beautiful all the time), but he’s so awesome for being willing to help me lose it.
He even told me that if I lose a good amount this month, he’ll take me clothes shopping for two outfits (since we’ve been married, I hardly ever buy clothing for myself… and by hardly ever, I mean 2-3 clothing articles a YEAR – no joke! The rest I get is donations from people who don’t want their clothes anymore)!
He really enjoys looking at videos on youtube and I try and make an effort to sit down and watch those with him. We also try to watch shows together as much as possible; it’s something he really enjoys doing with me. 🙂 It may seem like such a small thing, and I guess it is, but it would be easy for me to be “too busy” to do that with him. Whenever possible, I make him a priority so that he knows how much I honor and respect him. 🙂 He’s definitely the best man I know!
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Jenn,
Love this! Thank you for sharing!! 🙂
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Thanks, April! 😀
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I need scripture. I’m sure I can run it down myself, but my wife claims I am not spiritual enough and that “God is obviously trying to teach me something by having my career fail so much”
I need the scripture or link where you spoke on this and used scripture on respect…I need the love-your-wife scripture too.
She claimed the kids were coming to her to complain that I yell at them. I checked by asking them gently. No complaints; especially from my 11 year old daughter who is not afraid of me. I confronted her and she insisted that the kids are intimidated by me. I have no history of abuse verbal or otherwise.
I insisted she was “inaccurate” on her assessment and false accusations of me yelling “so much.” I suggested a possibility of her in menopause, she reacted in anger. Anyway, I’m sorry to put you in this position of marriage counselor, April, but since she is so insistent that I am not spiritual enough, I need the respect scripture because we cannot even fight without her being disrespectful. She insists God can be directed at our will, if we are good!
reality is I am the bible scholar, I can run circles around her scripturally if I wanted to, but I never do, I would win and she would be even more angry.
again, is there a link on this blog for scripture on respect and love?
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Jeff,
A wife’s concerns are important to consider and prayerfully weigh. But – just because a wife judges a husband not to be spiritual enough, doesn’t necessarily mean that she is right. I did the same thing to my husband for many, many years. I was so very wrong.
However, of course I can give you the Scriptures:
– Ephesians 5:22-33
– I Peter 3:1-6
– I Corinthians 11:3
– Colossians 3:18
– I Corinthians 13:4-8 describes respect, as well. It is part of love.
I Peter 3:7 is for husbands, Colossians 3:19, is, as well.
Arguing, in my experience, doesn’t usually work with a woman. What may work, is if you ask her to sit down beside you, hold her, and ask her what is really bothering her. Sometimes, she may only need to feel heard. When she knows she is deeply loved, there is no need for an argument. Then she may be a lot more open to the truths you want to gently share as you whisper them once she feels secure in your love.
And, the book, Love and Respect does a FANTASTIC job of describing both aspects – for the husband and the wife.
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Jeff,
Check out what a wife shared with me today – I love this!!!!
——
Our pastor gave us what he called the Marriage Wheel. Husbands have their own side to work on and wives their own. Then, each should pray for both sides of the wheel, not go complaining/nagging to the other that they feel something is lacking or not being done.
The Wife: Follow (Ephesians 5:22-24, 33; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1-6), Finish (Genesis 2:18-23), Fan (1 Peter 3:1-6)
(The alternative for the wife is usually nag)
The Husband: Lead (Ephesians 5:25-33), Love (Ephesians 5:25-33 Colossians 3:19), Learn (1 Peter 3:7
(The alternative for the husband is usually neglect)
The Husband is seeking significance (and respect), which is ultimately found in his identity in Christ.
The wife is seeking security (and love), which is ultimately found in Christ.
In other words, wives lift up and praise your husband (fan). Even if it is something as small as, “You look REALLY nice in that shirt today.”, “I liked it when you….”, You are so great when you do … with the kids.”, etc. Follow, is relatively straight forward. And only do this as long as your husband is not telling you to sin in any way. Finish, more or less is just saying that we complete our men! In Genesis, God said that, in the beginning, everything was good. Then He came to Adam. It was not good for him to be alone, and therefore God created woman from Adam’s rib to complete him and be his HELPER. Not control him and all that. God chose the rib for good reason….signifying that we are partners! Examples of finishing each other: unorganized/organized, on time/laid back, outgoing/introverted, responsible/irresponsible, and silly/serious.
Men, loving may be hard especially when we women are hormonal, strong willed, demanding, crabby, etc. Sometimes, to break the cycle of disrespect is to just come up to your porcupine wife and give her a hug, and say, “I love you. I don’t understand what is going on, but I love you.” Learning is going to be a lifelong process. So, saying something like, “I love you. Can you help me to understand what you are feeling?”
Something else we kind of learned was to ask questions like, “Did I do something wrong?” (in an unaggressive manner) to avoid arguments, even though something was inexplicitly wrong.
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Ok thanks.
cut and paste. I’m not going to shove this in her face, ever. I will memorize it though.
Regardless of how heated our fight was, intimacy issues are NOT resolved and I am giving up. The reality is that on the subject of intimacy, she is perfectly happy with never doing it again. While this bothers me on a deep masculine level, I am weary and worn. She feels her needs are met and demands my “loving attitude.” That’s ok, we still sit at dinner and discuss kids, new natural foods diet, etc and she gets what she needs. I’ve got grad school stuff, 6 mile run in the morning. I come here because I see that the church has many hurting people and no matter how bad I may think I have it, some others are worse. I wish I could adjust some men’s attitudes. Disrespect among some women is a sign of our post modern world. I wish I had more ability to teach somewhere, somehow on all these issues.
Like I said in another article-link here; my heart goes out to those here (men and women) who are lonely and hurting. I think of them often.
This is only one blog from the east coast. Imagine how big the respect issue in the church goes!
The church is wounded. How can we be salt when we are in pain?
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Jeff,
You have access to all of the riches of heaven if you are in Christ. Yes, there are many who are greatly hurting – but you are not powerless. In prayer, in great faith, in persistence in seeking God – He is able to move mountains. He is able to open blind eyes. He is able to heal. He is able to restore your marriage. He is able to provide all that your family needs for His glory. He is mighty to save. My prayer is that you will cling to Him like never before. My prayer is that your desire for Christ might greatly increase and that you might have His mind, His heart, His Word, His power, His Spirit… and He is perfectly able to change people and circumstances as you trust fully in Him, my dear brother!
Yes, the respect issue is worldwide practically among my sisters in Christ. But our Great God is able to change hearts, minds, and lives by His Spirit’s power and the truth of His Word. There is already a massive movement of His Spirit around the world waking up many to Himself. We need more of Jesus! As we have His Spirit and His power, He is able to transform His men and women for His glory.
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Hi April,
I really love your blog. It’s opened my eyes to a lot of things that I was doing in my relationship (I’m unmarried, but in a committed relationship). My bf and I have recently found it a lot easier to come to a place where we can share things honestly. Just a few days ago, he told me that he has been feeling spiritually dry for nearly a year. I also sensed that he was feeling far from God a long time ago last year, but I didn’t want to bring it up for fear of turning him further away from the Lord.
How can I encourage him in his walk with God? I’m afraid of coming off as prideful, and holier-than-thou. I understand that I’m not responsible for his spiritual life, but I want to be able to be as supportive as I can. Also, what should a woman do in the event that her partner/husband is far away from God (with regards to the man being the leader of the house/relationship)?
My bf has been a Christian for a long time, and I was attracted to him because of his committment to Christ. So I know he genuinely loves God.
Sorry if you have put up a post on this, if you did I must have missed it. But thank you so so much for your guidance and your heart for women out there! 🙂
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Learning Girl,
I’m so glad to hear from you. 🙂 And I am thrilled to hear that you and your boyfriend are able to share things honestly and that he felt safe enough to share his heart with you.
Some of the things you can do include:
– Repent of any sin in your own life and seek God with all your heart.
– Pray fervently for God to work in his life.
– Keep in mind that you are not the Holy Spirit, so it is not your job to convict him of sin.
– Be sensitive to God’s Spirit about what issues to address, how to address them, and when.
– Don’t lecture, preach, or nag.
– Casually share some things you are learning or resources you have found if he seems interested – without pressuring him.
You can search my site for:
– lead
– leader
– spiritual
– encourage
– superman
And some of those posts will be helpful.
Much love to you!
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Hi April (and ladies who may be reading this),
I have a question for you… this time it’s from my momma-in-law. She’s been having a really difficult time in her marriage lately… let me explain.
She’s been married 40+ years to her husband, who loves her and the Lord, but sometimes (more often than not) tends to give in to negativity rather than focus on the positive. I have heard him say some really mean things to her at times, which shocked me because when you first get to know him, he’s a very quiet, goofy man. Anyway, recently, he’s gotten a new friend. Actually, this guy is the first friend he’d had in decades. Years ago, when they were still pretty young in their marriage, my momma-in-law and father-in-law had become friends with another couple (which was great, because the girls were there for each other and the men were there for each other, and the relationship seemed to reinforce their own marriages as well). They ended up moving away, and so for years, they were their own “best friend”. This new friend is an older gentleman who my father-in-law met at a local fast food restaurant.
At first, my momma-in-law was really supportive of their friendship. She thought it was cute that he’d found a “mentor” figure, and since the man didn’t have any children, he kind of “adopted” my father-in-law. However, it’s becoming more and more difficult for her: the other day, she found out that the older man had encouraged my father-in-law to take something that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law bought (that they were planning to sell for parts) and fix it up so that THEY (my father-in-law and the older man) could sell it. As far as I know, there was no asking involved… and my father-in-law basically told his son that he couldn’t sell it for parts because he was going to fix it up. His son paid for it, but it seems he didn’t mind taking what didn’t belong to him. My momma-in-law says this new behavior is due to the older man’s influence and prompting… so this man (from what I can tell) is not a good influence.
Beyond that, for 40+ years, he and my momma-in-law have been best friends. Now, he treats her as if she’s below him… as if he can only have one best friend at a time. She asks him if he can take her to the store to pick up a few things (she has blackout seizures and other health problems, so she doesn’t drive), and he complains that she takes too long and says he can’t because he plans to call his best friend and have him come over when they get home.
My momma-in-law would like to encourage the friendship, and even be a part of it (get to know the older man better), but my father-in-law says that the older man is leery of contact with people because he’s on oxygen and he doesn’t want to get sick (yet he goes to a fast food place every morning to talk to people). Also, the man says his first two wives cheated on him, so my momma-in-law thinks he may want to avoid women because he may assume all women are like that.
This entire experience has broken my momma-in-law’s heart… She has always admired and enjoyed the fact that she was her husband’s best friend. In fact, sometimes us kids would be frustrated by things he would do to her, and she would respond by saying something to the effect of, “Of course he’s not perfect… no one is. But he’s my best friend and I’m his. He’s never gone off to hang out with friends and left me at home; he comes right home after work because I’m his friend.”
She’s the kind of lady who looks really hard for the positive, and she told me she’s trying really hard to be respectful in this situation. I told her that she may need to talk to him (respectfully) about this… she said that anytime she asks him for something, he’s been getting mad at her lately. I told her that being respectful doesn’t mean never bringing anything up that will upset them… sometimes, husbands can be unreasonable, and that’s between them and the Lord. I told her that I think it might be best for her to approach him as respectfully as possible and pray… and if he gets angry regardless of the respectful way she brings it up, not to let it get to her too much.
I didn’t know what to tell her beyond that. She asked that I bring this situation before you ladies and see what you think… How do you think she should handle this? If you have scriptures to back up your reasons, that’d be even better! 🙂
Thank you so much!
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BlessedOut,
Goodness, I’m so sorry to hear about this difficult situation. 😦
Is this new friend a believer?
This would certainly be a topic for much prayer, as well. And, if she has been sinning against him in some way – it would be appropriate for her to repent of that before attempting to confront him about his sin.
It sounds like she has some legitimate concerns.
What does he suggest she do if he won’t take her where she needs to go?
Are there things that he needs from her that she is neglecting?
If she does respectfully address these after much prayer – and possibly even fasting – and after repenting of her own sin – it could be time to involve a pastor or godly teacher or elder/deacon at church that her husband respects. (Matthew 18:15-17)
There are times when a wife will respectfully bring up concerns, and a husband will get upset. That is not a wife’s responsibility – to keep him from getting upset. Her responsibility is to respect and honor God and her husband. Sometimes, husbands will be upset when a wife needs to confront them about sin. That doesn’t mean a wife should not confront her husband. But she will need to be very prayerful, and sensitive to God’s Spirit, for sure.
Praying for wisdom for her and for her husband, as well.
Here are some resources:
– “Confronting Our Husbands About Their Sin”
– When My Spouse Is Wrong
– Should I Ever Share My Concerns with My Man?
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She said he’s definitely not a believer.
When she asks him to take him, he sighs heavily and says, “Well, if you don’t take two or three hours,” so then she suggests someone else take her, and he says, “No, I’ll just take you,” but he gets angry anytime she needs to go somewhere (we call it “huffing and puffing”).
She said she can’t think of anything he needs that she’s been neglecting.
(The other day, my father-in-law told my husband, “Well, I don’t have to put up with the old woman today,” and my husband said, “Dad, mom’s been putting up with you!”)
She takes care of everything in the house, cooking and cleaning, having dinner on the table when he expects it, she thinks of him when she cooks even though she can’t eat the same things (because of diabetes), she says loving things to him on a regular basis and thanks him constantly. Intimacy is something he’s struggled with the last 20 years and he’s unable to, but she hasn’t demanded anything from him. She loves him for him, not what he can give her.
He’s pretty stubborn most of the time… she doesn’t think he’d ever go for counseling; in fact, he’d be extremely angry with her for involving other people and telling them about her marriage. 😦
My brother-in-law told her he’s seen a really negative change in my father-in-law as well. He’s become meaner to people.
What she does when he’s angry is be quiet and sometimes tries to be encouraging (she told him “It’ll be OK,” when he was grumpy to her the other day). He doesn’t seek medical help or any kind of help from anyone.
She said she’s racking her brain to try and think of reasons why he might be treating her this way (but I honestly think that it’s the new friend). She feels like she’s walking on eggshells now, because he blows up at her over small things.
She said that the friend of his has compounded the problems, but it really started out when she began having a lot of health problems (she had a brain aneurysm and it’s a miracle she’s alive: it attached to an AVM she’d had before), and when she had her seizure, he wouldn’t touch or help her out. He said (the day she had the seizure) that “This is nothing new. She ALWAYS has health problems.” It’s like she’s a burden to him now.
She’s really hesitant to say anything to him because he gets SO angry… I told her that she may need to respectfully confront him anyway. She says so far, she feels led to just keep quiet and allow the Holy Spirit to work on him.
Her real intent in the question was, “Should I continue asking him to take me somewhere (as it’s his duty as my husband), or should I just ask my kids (who are willing to take me) to take me to the store instead?”
She wanted me to tell you thank you so much for answering her (I’ll send her the blogs later for her to read).
Thanks again,
blessedout
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BlessedOut,
If she asks for help, and he grumbles, that is really not her problem. He is a grown man and can bear the responsibility of his own responses and emotions. She can act pleasant and appreciative. I personally vote to ignore the huffing and puffing myself.
If she believes God is leading her to be silent about some issues, then it is wise to wait and listen carefully to Him. God’s Spirit has infinitely more wisdom than I do, that is for sure!
Whether she asks her husband or her children to take her is up to her.
Perhaps one of their sons would be willing to talk with their dad if they are seeing this dramatic of an issue, as well?
Praying for wisdom for each one in the family and for God’s healing.
Much love!
April
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Valentines is coming. It comes with fear before it. Fear that I did not do what I needed to in order to be the romantic guy which she says I am not.
Well I walked out the other day.
I was tired of the false accusations and the disrespect and I stormed out right before dinner. I drove for about 15 minutes and parked in a parking lot as she attempted to call me. After about 10 attempted calls I answered and she was in tears trying to get me to come back home. I told her I was tired of being blamed for her lack of sexual interest and for her disrespect. Since our big insurance claim for the water damage, in the house, is still going on, we agreed for a “ceasefire” until the new floors are in and the furniture taken out of storage. I know my wife understands the disrespect, but she is only being sensitive to it and not the spirit of respect which is trust that I can do things without assistance.
Pray for me as I attempt to remove my wife from full time work since her stress is directly related to her job. I am aggressively attempting to look for employment in the mental health field.
I am in doubt though as most of the HR people and hiring managers are women who like to hire other women. One of the places I applied is an ideal company but calling both Friday and Monday the HR person was out and I left a message with no call back so far. Often this is where I usually fail the last 5 years, where I apply and then nothing, no call or email just nothing.
Please pray for me a quick prayer that the Lord will give me a secure job that can take care of us all.
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Jeff,
I am praying about your job situation and for wisdom about how to best lead your family in a godly way. Sounds like everyone is very, very stressed. I would love to see your wife be able to go part time and you be able to work full time and you both to enjoy and bless each other.
Thanks for sharing!
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Thanks. The job is not going to work out. It was ideal too. Also, it was filled before I got called back by HR. I’ve been through rejection many, many times, so no surprise.
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Dear April
I am married to a good, godly man but my problem is I feel ignored by him. This is very painful for me. I’ve tried over and over to let it go. My husband is an excellent provider and a family man. He is financially savvy and is a deacon at our church.
However again and again I find myself hurt by his lack of attention. He sort of treats me like part of the furniture. If I say something about this, he simply gets frustrated and acts like I’m accusing him of being selfish and clams up.
We have been married many years and frankly I am getting worn out.
How do you cope when you’re married to a good man but he does not relate to you much?
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PamW,
It is wonderful to meet you! I believe a lot of wives struggle with something similar to this.
What is your husband’s personality like? Is he introverted or extroverted?
What are your expectations of him to make you feel more loved?
What things does he do to show his love for you?
How is your walk with Christ going?
What are your greatest desires in life?
What are your biggest fears?
Much love to you! I’m happy to hash through this issue with you and will do my best to point you to Christ, His truth and His Word. 🙂
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I’m perplexed again as I go through my mind trying to quell my own frustration or just the fact that I am more aware of disrespect (let alone REspect). In a brief discussion over a past occurrence (not a respect occurrence) my wife criticized me about my intentions at the time and assumed I was thinking the worst. Again, I will spare you the details of the ‘past occurrence.’
She insisted that I was being negative toward her and that my intentions were to be critical.
Here is my response to my wife, “you need to think better of me. You often think the worst possible scenario in my thinking processes and you need to stop this. My intentions are usually good with only mild thoughts on any subject. I am not evil and you must believe this. I will not tolerate your accusation that I am always trying to be deliberately mean spirited and wish to say things that are cruel. Often when I speak, there is only one intention and one meaning in my language, yet you assume I was trying to be evil, this is the furthest thing from the truth.” She relaxed and her mood changed for the better.
However, today we are at it again involving my autistic son. She insists she has evidence to support her opinion of what’s good for him and what people think of him. At 20, he has numerous problems with obsessions of a variety of things. All his siblings are sick of his incessant singing and desire he stop. My wife insists he is a great singer and others from everywhere think so too. You see, my opinion counts for nothing! This is the greatest violation of disrespect I have seen. It makes me want to get an oil rig job for good!
She simply thinks I am evil and…here it is…”I don’t GET it.” I’m clueless, evil, stupid, etc. and she has all the answers and if she doesn’t, I certainly do not have answers she would ever use. Why would any wife ever listen to a guy who is unemployed?? Hmm?
Its late. I’m gonna go run in the morning. Its all I have.
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Jeff,
I really hope you and your wife might read Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn’s books For Men Only and For Women Only. I think that the For Women Only might help your wife see that you don’t have evil motives.
Many wives think their husbands have evil motives because their men think so very differently than they do. Of course, our husbands don’t usually have evil motives. But until we better understand how men think, it can SEEM to us like our husbands have evil motives. I used to be the exact same way with Greg. 😦 But that book helped me so much to understand how Greg thinks and helped me to see his good motives and that he wasn’t evil or wrong, he was just different – and that the differences were GOOD.
Much love in Christ, my brother! I am praying for you both!
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PS,
Jeff,
It is possible for wives to respect husbands who are unemployed. That doesn’t have to be an issue. I know you would work if you could, and I am sure your wife is familiar with the circumstances, that you are not trying to be lazy. 🙂
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Um, yeah, I got both books…I gave her the book “for women only” and I the other one. I read slowly. She read hers in 20 minutes.
OK? that was 3 or more years ago.
On my work issue. Sending out resume(s) again.
On the unemployment issue; I know she isn’t intentional for how “badly she feels about my intelligence.” we still get along MOST of the time. When issues come up there is…not a lack of trust…more like doubt…with doubt she needs a decision and it isn’t me that she confides in, its her own judgment and…just not her husband. anytime its a subject about how one of the kids is feeling, I am not the “go-to-guy” I’m more of a, “don’t-ask-the-husband-guy.”
The disrespect is in the air. its a feeling for her to not trust me. When I send a resume and no one calls me back, she usually assumes I did it wrong. Then tells me I’m a mean guy and I need to be more nice. She thinks I need a character change…in the midst of resume writing for a job.
I think I’m drawing this blog out too much. Maybe I’m not helping here. This is a complicated house…new floors after a leak, missing daughter, son in army, other son on drugs and out there somewhere, special needs kids, sexual dysfunction, lack of money for counseling and daily needs, online grad school for me while watching kids…no break.
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Jeff,
I really wish she might try actually reading it again.
You do have a very complicated situation. And I don’t generally give advice to men. I counsel women, but am reluctant to attempt to tell men what to do.
I can pray for you and hope to encourage you. I also believe that most likely your wife isn’t trying intentionally to disrespect you. I think she just doesn’t understand how you think or how men think. That is pretty normal.
But if you need specific counsel, I would suggest going to a godly man like http://www.brentriggs.com. I want to see you and your wife have the support you both need during this time of great trial. I know the enemy wants to destroy you, your marriage, your faith, your wife’s faith, your children, and everything. I don’t want that to happen! You are so precious to God, so is your wife and so are your children. I am praying for healing for you all!
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Jeff,
I’m sorry about what you’re going through… I will keep your family in my prayers.
I agree with what April said as well (@9:54 pm). I know that 99% of the time in my marriage, I didn’t intend to be disrespectful either. I didn’t understand how things sounded to my husband: I could see him getting upset when I said or did certain things, but it made no sense to me. I didn’t realize what had triggered it. Another thing is that she may be “cherishing fear” in her heart. That’s something that the Lord really had to deal with me about as well. Fear became bigger than anything God could do; anything my husband could do. I had to control, control, control because I felt that I was the only one I could trust to deal with things the way I felt they needed to be dealt with. My doubt in others (especially my husband) stemmed greatly from the fear I was dealing with. I tried to make things about him sometimes when he would get frustrated, but truly, it wasn’t a reflection of an inability to do things on his behalf at all: it was a reflection of my stubborn heart. I was letting fear control me to the point where I no longer honored my husband or God, because I thought I knew best.
My husband would tell me (ALL the time!) to give things to the Lord, and I would tell him, “I’m trying!” The truth is that I wasn’t really trying… I was “stuck” in fear. I couldn’t get out of it until after God revealed my disrespect and I started to allow Him to really work in my heart. It was like I couldn’t even work on the fear until I realized and worked on the disrespect. It was crazy how easy it was to give things to the Lord after that.
For a woman, disrespect is a really complex issue… in fact, she usually tends to see all the issues rather than the disrespect. I didn’t realize why my husband would get so upset over things I’d say and do (for example, I’d freak out/stress about something. He’d attempt to comfort or help me, and I would completely disregard, ignore, or argue with him about whatever he said. Disrespectful. But I’d be so focused on whatever I was so afraid of, I didn’t even take time to see or figure out his reaction. I was too busy worrying about EVERYTHING that could go wrong that I didn’t realize I had gone wrong in disrespecting my husband! 😦
I wonder if this might be something similar to what your wife is going through right now… she may be so panicked about the “what ifs” that she can’t even see her own disrespect.
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Thank you for this blessedout,
I believe there are probably a lot of issues going on in Jeff’s wife’s heart – spiritual issues. Issues between her and God. And most wives just don’t understand how men think or what respect or disrespect even are. It is something that takes MUCH very intentional study for a woman to really “get” the whole concept. I still have tons to learn myself!
Thank you for reaching out to our precious brother, Jeff. I appreciate it so much!
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I do see the mission on this blog. I also see that it is aimed at women to help them improve in the area of respect. Perhaps I see it too much. My mentioning of the issue of respect is too much for her. In todays modern age we are experiencing a post-modern world. In it, people are jostling for control and many women are attempting, successfully, to control men. As Christians we are all trying to placate God by appealing to His commands that we choose. For instance, my presentation of this blog to my wife would be a mixed bag. On the one hand I would be revealing the truth on the other, she would be exceedingly appalled that I shared our problems here. On the latter, she would clam up and no matter of her respect violations would be adhered to, she would hold against me the revealing of our personal life.
My other choice is to present it to her myself, using scripture. This also has proven fruitless.
In a way, I have a problem with myself and my fellow Christians; We all attempt to use scripture to justify our demands. I do it. I am right in doing so, but my wife refuses to budge and the war between us rages on. My unemployment adds to an ever-burning war between us that even precipitated her question the other day, “do you even love me?”
My “demands” of respect have caused her to interpret it as “unloving and mean” demands.
This prompts me to display my reasoning here on this blog in which April has been so gracious and patient with me and my problems.
The blog is for women.
it is one Christian woman’s attempt to better other women’s marriages by allowing the husband to lead the way God intended it.
My additions to it are just examples of what my marriage is like and what happens when one man attempts to let his wife know that she is “in violation of scripture.”
For others; I attempt no other goal. I don’t expect April to fix anything. Her reminders of scripture is exactly what I expect from many Christians who know the Bible as I do. Everywhere I look her, people are hurting. Marriages are hurting. The enemy is hard at work. I wish some blogs were a fix. This one is one of the best. I hope all the women here the best. I tried what I could in my marriage. I am giving up trying. She simply does not believe I can be trusted.
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Jeff,
I can delete your comments if you would like to share this blog with your wife, just say the word. 🙂
I wonder if the post from yesterday might be a blessing to you, my dear brother?
Christ is the fix. He is the solution. He can heal you and He can heal your marriage.
Praying for you today!
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Jeff,
My precious brother – this blog is primarily for women. But many, many men read the blog, too, and many of them find healing here as well. Not through me – but through Jesus.
I believe that healing always comes – for men or for women – when they begin to focus on themselves and their own walk with Christ – not their spouse. Yes, your wife has many sins and faults. You can try to talk with her about them. I’m glad you have tried to. But you cannot change her – as I am sure you are well aware. God can change her.
But what if God desires to change you first? Perhaps then He will introduce healing into the marriage and family after He works powerfully in your heart, mind, and soul to regenerate you and to transform your thinking?
I know you have a lot of negative things going on in your life. And I can absolutely understand why it would be tempting to be bitter for anyone in such a situation. But how I long to see you find healing in Christ and to change the way you talk to yourself, about yourself, about your wife, about your life… in the power of God – that is very possible!
Here is the link to the post from yesterday, may it richly bless you.
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Thanks. Not sure about your offer. I will think on it.
Here is a question that came up today; again I am trying to offer my narrative while at the same time provide a perspective that can be beneficial to the women here.
ok
I needed to put tires on my wife’s car today (Saturday) Due to events and limited hours for the tire place (two tires are bald) and our older son is home to babysit the smaller kids for us to see a movie tonight… I also wanted to hit the gym (gym reduces my depression)…I got it all done and arrived by 6:15 when she wanted me home by 6. She was angry a little and gave me the lecture again in the car, telling me how she feels unwanted and unimportant, etc. actually, I initially felt like a hero because the tire place got it done quickly and I cut it short at the gym.
anyway here are my feelings in the car after her lecture; depression, defeated-ness, failure, I’m an unloving uncaring husband. Yet the tires needed to be replaced and I need the gym time. This thought made me feel selfish and me-centered. I felt like any limited romantic activity tonight was destroyed and why do anything more for her?
anyway, just my incident, just saying…..no questions really, I’m not asking who is right or wrong.
-Jeff
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Jeff,
Ok, no pressure. Whatever you believe is best is fine with me.
Praying for you and your wife, my brother!
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Jeff,
I hope it’s o.k. to reply to you. I have a brother who has had a rocky marriage and I thought of that when I read your posts here. He longs for respect and physical love and adoration from his wife. It has been very painful for him.
To make a long story short, time after time, I’ve seen that when he is focused on her shortcomings, their marriage is tumultuous (to say the least – at times). When my brother’s walk with Christ is going well – i.e., he’s trusting God, he’s not focused on how his needs aren’t getting met, etc. – things are much, much, much better. His wife responds as quickly as some of our husbands do when we are giving them the respect they need. Because he is focused on just loving her, forgiving her as things happen, not getting overly offended when she has hurt him, but just kind of backing off and giving her space to think about what she might have done. When he tries to tell her and show her how she is wrong, it never works. If he is the one who has messed up or hurt her in some way, he asks for forgiveness humbly and admits where he was wrong.
I think April’s words about how she has seen healing come after spouses stop looking at the other spouse, but instead focus on their own walk with Christ and what they can do to change are good words to reflect on.
You are hurt and angry right now. It sounds like your wife is, too, based on the things that she’s saying. Actually, in my opinion, that’s a good thing. She’s not to a place where she doesn’t care about you (regardless of what you believe her actions are showing) or she wouldn’t express feelings of being unwanted and unimportant.
God has called you to love your wife as Christ loved the church — regardless of how she’s treating you. As a woman, if I had expressed things like that to my husband (that I felt unwanted and unimportant), I would want him to come to me and pursue the reasons as to why I said that. I would want him to come humbly and not freak out if I said something that wasn’t perfectly right or that even put him on the defensive. I would want him to remember that just because I was expressing my feelings, it doesn’t mean that I think he’s the worst husband in the world or can’t do anything right and is a failure. I would want him to stay calm and try to listen and hear me. If he was confused about something I said, rather than get angry and leave the discussion, I would want him to ask a question that would deepen and keep a healthy discussion going. I would want him not to deflect on me all the times that I’ve failed him, too (and yes, there are many, but it’s hard to have a constructive conversation if it becomes a back-and-forth about who’s done more wrong in the marriage). I would want him to ask specifically, probably, “Honey, when I came home yesterday and you said you felt unloved and unimportant, what was it that made you feel that way?” And I would want him to really mean it. Really care about what I was going to say. Because the fact is that she is really feeling those things. And you have the power to reassure her of your love for her and your desire for her. You can give her a verbal list of all the things that you do love about her and thank her for all of the things that she does as a wife and mother. (I know that that is a big one for me….I don’t need it often, but if it’s been a long time and my husband hasn’t affirmed me and the things I do around our home for our family, it starts to hurt). And, I’m sure you need to hear those things as well. I wonder if you started the process – if you were the one to start verbally affirming her and loving her in the ways that she feels best loved….I wonder how that would affect the way she treated you?
Jeff, I’m just giving you a woman’s perspective here that maybe you’re not able to get anywhere else. I know for myself that getting a man’s perspective has been so great for me and my marriage and how I see things now and so I hope that some of what I said will do that for you, as well.
In no way am I saying that you are wrong and your wife is right. In almost all marital conflicts that I’ve ever heard about and been involved with in my own marriage(except extreme cases and I’ve really never personally heard of any of these except for reading on blogs like this and even then, we don’t get the whole pictures), there are mistakes on each side. If we stay focused on the other’s side, it is a recipe for disaster. It will never go very well.
One last thing…I know for myself if I were to read a blog about how Christian men should love their wives, it would just start a cycle of me looking for my husband to treat me that way, etc. and me being disappointed.
God bless you and your wife and family, Jeff! Don’t forget He is for your marriage and you were given just the right wife for you. 🙂
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Thank you Jennifer.
Perspective is important to both partners.
I suppose I need to realize that my unforeseen role as a house dad has certain requirements. The disaster of me being fired 5 years ago, began a journey of depression and bitterness that was never remedied. I often internalize the guilt of me NOT working a full time job and her being at home. That guilt is a driving force of faithlessness and failure that has reduced my faith in God and given me a lack of belief that God would ever restore what the locusts have eaten. For some people an adventure such as this would perhaps increase one’s faith in themselves and the Lord. However, I feel that I am less than a man and that I ruined our marriage and our finances with my inability to simply get a job! No married woman wants to be married to a failed man! We can look at it in softer terms but a woman needs a confident man…a successful man…a proven man!
It seems so simple. My own younger brother called me the other day because he sees the difficulty I am going through. Yet my looking after special needs kids and our autistic 20 year old, create difficult circumstances to do a better job search for me. ( he’s going in a work program May 4!!!) It’s so complicated and yet simple that my job search should have resulted in success years ago, yet here I am. It seems simple to wave a wand of good self-esteem over a man who needs a real world experience to feel that.
Mostly, my wife and I get along…thank God!
There are many things to do. We act as responsible adults. We both need adjustments. Its just that in most conversations, she is right and I am wrong. On emotional issues, she is always correct. I am a bumbling idiot unable to know anything about children or relationships.
Romance with us is like pretending you can run when you know you’re barefoot on gravel.
She admits to me that the unemployment matter’s little. But the romance is not there and she is an unwilling romantic participant, expecting me to whisper sweet nothings and to read her mind about things I need to do.
Again, I must remember to say that this blog is for married women. I hope to dispel some level of experience to others to help improve your situation involving respect. I am not so destitute. I will wake tomorrow and run 5+miles then go home to wake the kids and drive them to school while my wife gets ready for work.
Love this blog…it is for the ladies…sorry…hope this helps someone.
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Hi, April!
I just stumbled upon your blog today as I was searching for advice on understanding a man’s visual temptation. You have already helped my understanding immensely! I feel that I have a unique situation in my marriage and would like some advice on how to navigate it.
I’ve been married for 7.5 years to an amazing godly man. He walks humbly before the Lord and we have a very transparent and open relationship. He leads our family in weekly devotional and prayer times and is always finding teachable moments in everyday life to direct me and our three boys to Jesus. He is always seeking to better himself as a husband and father through the Word of God and through biblical books and blogs on marriage and parenting. He adores me, adores my post-partum body, is always telling me how hot I am and how much he wants me. Sounds like every Christian woman’s dream-man, right? He truly is, and I am beyond thankful for him. The complexity lies in our sex life.
About a year ago, after reading a book on marriage, I realized that I had been mildly sexually abused in high school. In years prior to this realization, there were things that my husband did to me in the bedroom that made me jumpy, uncomfortable, and panicky and they had been increasing in frequency and intensity. He was patient and catered to me, despite not understanding what was going on. When I discovered that the reason for this was the fact that I had been abused, it made it more clear. Here’s the clincher and what is making it difficult to heal from the abuse….my abuser was my back-slidden boyfriend who now happens to be my wonderful husband. It’s as if a deep wound was opened that I didn’t know was there, and all these emotions came spilling out. I have read an excellent book, “Beauty for Ashes,” by Joyce Meyer, that has brought me much much healing. I have forgiven my husband and the boy he used to be that hurt me.
What has made life difficult is that on this journey of healing, is that the abuse built in me a response to say “yes” to sex and sexual acts out of dreaded duty rather than out of love. I always have this sense of underlying dread when he asks for sex, even though I know he deeply needs it and that even I need it. There are also times during this healing process where I have really needed to say no from time to time, and no to certain acts. He has been so gentle, sympathetic, and always listens to my feelings, but it’s difficult for him. He has experienced guilt and utter regret for causing me such pain. During this year of healing, I became pregnant and we had our third son. I am now experiencing insecurity of my post-partum body, despite my doting husband who insists he still wants me and says my body is “the standard.” He has also had an increase in sexual temptation – not sin, temptation – during this time, which makes things even more complex for me and makes me feel more insecure. That’s why I discovered your blog today – seeking to understand and be sympathetic about his temptations.
Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had wonderful, steamy sex over the years and we really enjoy each other in the bedroom. There are times I feel completely free and other times I clam up as feelings from the past creep back in and I feel like that doormat of a teenager again. I have hope and know that on the other side of this, there will be a testimony and that we will have beauty and freedom in the bedroom, but getting through it is really difficult. So, after this long back story, here is my question – what are your recommendations for healing here? Any suggestions on some good reads for us? How do I respond when he asks for sex but I feel emotionally unstable and vulnerable? I don’t want to say yes and end up in tears when we are finished, which often happens, but at the same time I don’t want to deny him and cause him hurt and give more room for temptation for him. Ugh! Do you see the ugly cycle? Help!
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Thankful4MyHubby,
It is wonderful to meet you!
Goodness, what a unique problem. I suggest that you seek some help from a biblical, trustworthy counselor who is used to handling issues of sexual abuse who can work with you both to walk through this healing process individually and together.
I believe that http://www.onesoloved.com has some referrals to counselors that may be helpful.
Praying for healing for you, my beautiful sister!
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I have a question:
My 30th anniversary is coming in July. My wife reserved a place for 3 days during our visit with family so that kids can be watched and we can go there (a spa in an additional location) alone.
My wife has had Vaginismus for a year and silently refuses treatment. There are no “intimate alternatives” for our “time alone.” She is a (prude), this is my best description of our marriage.
I am NOT looking forward to this trip. I feel no excitement to be alone with her. It seems pointless. In addition, she has not ASKED what I THINK of our time there and whether or not I am looking forward to it. I don’t want to force her to seek treatment for her coital pain, but really she is being very ignorant and indifferent to my feelings by not addressing a real problem. There are times when I feel like she doesn’t think I have feelings.
What can I say? Right now I’m just not saying anything nor volunteering any questions about our trip.
How do I get her to take the time to call the medical place and find a doctor and then go? (she wants a doctor with a name she can pronounce)
I think she feels that all women over 50 have sexual pain when really its just two friends of hers.
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Jeff,
I personally vote for you to pray about this and share your concerns with your wife. And – if she is unreceptive, I suggest seeking counseling together. This has been going on way too long, in my view.
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Hi Jeff, have you tried having a calm talk to her, reassuring her that you love her and care about her feelings and just ask if she might consider finding a lady doctor to help with her prob?
Maybe telling her you miss her ‘physically’ and maybe it might be nice to ‘try’…again using the spa holiday as a time to re-connect…
sounds like it might be tricky communicating with your wife, but I know if I felt my husband cared about how I felt, it would mean a lot to me.
The fact that she has booked the ‘spa’ bit to include YOU, does show that she wants to be with you….If you can at all seem to her to be looking forward to it, it might make her excited enough to enjoy herself with you and…then you could get her a glass of wine, etc etc…I would try and be positive and you may find that you get a solution along the way, with prayer of course!
By the way it is your 30th Anniversary! that is amazing! you are doing better than most!! x
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JuR,
I agree with your ideas and suggestions. Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂
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I feel bad already since this is supposed to address issues for women…
I am trying to be patient. I feel that her feelings are that I am the one who needs help. I am the one without a real job which resulted in her NOT being home raising kids (the one’s left are; 26, 20, 18, 15, 11,11) This is it in a nutshell.
Our intimacy issues are complex but not so much as severe. She simply believes that men can shut off intimacy needs like a switch…like a woman can…like she can. Perhaps her and I need a dose of feeling each others feelings.
counseling. We need it. But cash is short. In 3 months we lose 33% of our income/funding. My Master’s degree will not be finished until the end of the year. She expects me to have an illustrious career in psychology soon. That is the goal. We are planning on doing foster care again…we talked about it positively.
Thanks for responding to me.
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Jeff,
I wonder if there might be a trusted pastor or godly mentoring couple who might be willing to talk with y’all for free?
What do you believe God is calling you to do as a husband and the head of the home?
How might God desire to use you to lead this family into a healthier place? And how might He desire you to seek to bless your wife in her struggles?
You don’t have to answer me, of course, these issues are between you and God.
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For a godly man’s perspective, the gentlemen might reach out to Brent Riggs at http://www.brentriggs.com.
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April,
A big issue throughout our marriage has been the way we raise our kids together. I feel confused as to my role in the parenting process. Confused some times, angry at others. Angry because it seems that for the most part, I am the one who cares about character, setting consequences, giving boundaries, etc.
This has been and continues to be a source of friction in our marriage. The latest incident is that my husband – who HAS been trying to step up and help me out more and thankfully, has finally seen more in the last year what I’ve been trying to tell him for a long time – gave our teenage son a consequence of having to shut off all screens by 10 and go to bed (he could still read if he wanted, but had to be lights out in the living room and in his bed). As usual, the rules have already been moved around to appease our son (stayed up late to watch a hockey game the other night and one night needed to some homework on the computer). This is just one example of what I see as an ongoing problem in our parenting….our teenage son especially knows that we do not mean what we say when we say it. I say “we”, because it’s true that both my husband and I have failed at various times in that department. But, I do feel that one of the biggest issues is that my husband does not like to set boundaries and hold our kids to them.
I feel so confused about my role here. Do I step in and take over (what I’ve been doing for most of the years)? If I step back and let him lead, a lot of times that means that nothing gets addressed. Our son can very obviously break one of our rules and nothing gets done or said about it. If I do or say something about it, I get resentful after a while because it is always me having to be the “bad guy”. For the last year or so, I think I have pulled way back in trying to make guidelines/boundaries,etc. and consequences if not followed. But, I’m finding that then unless I bring things up to my husband, nothing gets done about it. Or, he hears me enough and gives a consequence….but then doesn’t enforce the consequence (or enforcing it somehow falls on me).
My husband is an unbeliever and I think that plays into this as well. As a believer, I know that I have responsibility to train my child and discipline.
I feel like I just need to hash through this with someone to see what it is I might be missing.
And, just a summary of where I am in the respect journey….God has brought me (and our marriage) a long way especially this past year….have been working on respect for a little longer than that. For the most part, I think that there are many areas where I’ve changed. But, this parenting thing is just sooooo confusing for me. Is it submitting to him to let him lead, even if that means doing nothing? Do I ask him if he would just like me to take over that whole boundaries/rules/consequences department — o.k., that can’t be right, just typing it sounds wrong!….plus I get resentful and frustrated when that all falls on me.
Looking forward to some help here (and from anyone else who has been through something similar and has come out on the other side!)
(Oh, and do you have any posts on this particular topic as it relates to respect? It seems to be a big source of marital issues in many people’s marriages, I’ve found)
Thank you!!!
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Jennifer,
I may see if a few of our sisters who have older children and have had similar experiences might be able to share their perspective on this. I’ll answer, too – after I understand a bit more about the situation. I will do my best to point you to Christ and to His Word.
These are your husband’s biological children, too, correct? They are not step children?
I have some posts about respecting our husbands as fathers. Here is one, but you can search “respecting husband father” on my home page search bar for more.
This situation is a little more complicated because your husband is not a believer. So – it makes sense that he may not have the same standards or concerns about character.
What was his parents’ marriage like? And what kind of parenting did his dad do with him?
Have you talked about this issue with him, how he would like you to respect him as a dad – and what he would like you to do if he notices that rules are being broken and consequences are not being applied? Has he been feeling respected by you as a father? What does he need from you?
What consequences does he feel are appropriate?
Does he have fears about carrying through with consequences?
Is he afraid his son won’t like him?
Does he shy away from confrontation?
Is he generally passive?
Has he ever followed through with consequences as a father? If so, how did you respond?
What do you do and say when you see that he is not following through? How do you talk to him?
How do you talk to your son?
Much love to you!
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Jennifer,
Here is a response from Lori:
Having raised 4 children, I would say the majority of responsibility for raising children falls on the mother’s shoulders since she is the one home with them all day, especially if the husband doesn’t step up and do it. As long as he is fine with her setting the boundaries, etc. I would encourage her to do it. Usually, one parent is much more disciplined and stricter than the other and if that one is the wife and the husband is fine with it, she needs to do it since it is very good for the children long term because discipline and boundaries are important to raising disciplined children. I did much more disciplining than Ken did, teaching them about the Lord, teaching them self-control, etc. since I was home with them WAY more than Ken and he is VERY thankful I did this. When God commands older women to teach young women to love their children, part of loving children is disciplining them and training them. This makes a husband’s life much easier since they have the stress of providing the living. I hope this helps!
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What would be your advice to two followers of Christ who never got married and have been living common law for nine years with three children. I have been seeing a Christian council our and they told me to leave him because I am not married and I am not sure that is right. He is an alcoholic and is not properly providing for the family and that is there grounds to leave I am very confused and have been for a long time ?
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kxdxcreations,
In cases where sexual immorality is going on – there are two choices that Scripture gives us:
1. Get married.
2. Leave and stop the sinful relationship.
It is actually not that confusing. This is a sinful relationship. I can have Christ or I can have sin, but I can’t have both.
Even if you were married and this were not a sinful relationship, there are times when a wife may need to separate for the safety and wellbeing of herself and her children. If a husband is unrepentant of alcoholism and is not providing for the family – that is a big problem – even in a marriage.
Something God really woke me up to when He began to show me all of my sin 6.5 years ago was that I John and John 14:23-24 and many other Scripture passages say that if we belong to Christ, we will not continue on in sin. For me, I was cherishing pride, self-righteousness, bitterness, unforgiveness, the idol of self, wanting to be in control, and a LOT of other sinful things. Then God showed me, “You can have your bitterness and all of these other sins, or you can have Me.” I had never seen it in that light before. If I am choosing sin over God – something is VERY, VERY wrong. I am either spiritually dead and don’t belong to Christ – or I have wandered very far from God to the point that I am not even hearing His voice. We are supposed to grow in spiritual maturity and walk in holiness as God changes us and we yield full control to His Spirit.
My prayer is that you will seek to get right with God above all else. He will give you wisdom about how to walk in holiness and give up sin. It will be really painful. But it is also very necessary.
Much love to you!
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April, it has been a hard, long journey for me to discover who God is, find my true self, get my self esteem back, face my huge mistakes in my marriage and relationships and try to mend a marriage in ashes. However, I am thankful for every step. The other day, God answered a prayer and my husband moved back into our bed. I was shocked, but felt compelled to say nothing about it. I have not referred to it. I don’t want to get my hopes up in case it is temporary or too sensitive an issue for him. He has gotten miserable sleep for the 2 months he slept in a recliner. When he lays in the bed, he is careful to lay on top of the blankets which would prevent me reaching over to him. I am taking this ss a “stay away, i am only here to sleep” sign. I want to move toward him, love him, be intimate. I made such mistakes ignoring him in the past. I am paralyzed with the fear of making a wrong move again. I am not sure if I should move toward him or let him make the first move. I wonder if he is testing me tovseecif I willbeven show interest or if he thinks it will be just like in the past. Everything feels so raw. I want to hold him and comfort him, but when I tried to do that before, that was when he moved out. I know he is still angry and unforgiving about the past. He feels his wrongdoing was simply in letting me get away with my disrespect. He doesn’t realize his harsh and cutting comments and hypercritical attitude was do crushing. However, God has helped me tovthicken my skin and see past his hurt and anger to the wonderful man he is. I feel everything is do fragile. I’m not sure what to do with this granted prayer now that I have it. Any advice out there? Thank you!
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LMSdaily115,
Wow! That was a lot faster than I expected.
Unless God specifically moves you to move toward him, at this point, he is still sending you a message to keep your distance. So, it could be respectful to wait and let him move toward you.
I am glad you have said nothing about him being back in bed I think that is smart. Making a big deal out of it or telling him that you are reading things into this would probably not be productive.
You both have a lot of healing to do. But it is obvious to me that God is at work in both of your lives. It will be tempting to run ahead or try to rush and push things. But I believe that waiting in God and your husband would be wise, as you let God continue to work in your heart and life as He directs you.
Much love!
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April. I wish it were that easy. I was really hurt by some comments my husband made about the damage I had done when I was being so disrespectful. Basically he feels Hus mistake was letting me get away with it for so long. His remarks were very hurtful and unloving. I walked and listened to praise music the next day to try to heal from it. I came back and told him “I forgive you for hurting me so much”. I thought I was being loving. This only made him more mad. I couldn’t understand why he would insist on hurting me with his words and not admitting they were words said in anger; I was still hurt all over again.
The next morning, during a conversation with my mom, she read to me some into about verbal abuse. She was looking out for me, but instead, I was convicted by God with it. I have basically made my husband feel verbally abused with my words and disrespect. Here, all along I have been begging and demanding forgiveness from my husband and he was begging for acknowledgement of what I did to him. He couldn’t truly forgive until I admitted my sin against him. He doesn’t realize I had already did this to God and even apologized to my dh for it, but my relationship with God and more positive, peaceful attitude made me seem self righteous, flippant and cavelier about the damage I had done. My husband didn’t get to see the weeks of crying and repentance. The guilt and sadness.
The other side is that we have been both the verbal abuser AND the victim. I have been struggling with gaining self esteem and also learning how to be more respectful AND learning his to walk with God at the same time. Lots of hard stuff. I also slept in the pullout next to the bed in order to respect his space. I am tempted to reach across the big space between us and I just don’t want to pressure or push him away again.
I will wait till he’s ready. I will learn that a monster lives inside me that only God can keep away. I am cycling back through the guilt and shame and can’t even face my husband right now but I know God can heel us both. I feel so guilty for STILL being selfish for putting forgiveness as an idol in my heart. My husband just isn’t ready to be able to do that… hopefully yet. Maybe in time, but until then, I will continue to love him as commanded. I miss him and want to hold him and be held, but “not my will but Yours be done” needs to keep me on the narrow path. Conviction and the sins we make get much more camoflaged the deeper in our heart we go.
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LMSdaily125,
BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!!!!!!
I praise God for what He has shown you!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The pieces are clicking. You are seeing your husband’s point of view. You “get it.”
You are exactly right, that he didn’t see all of your grief and mourning over your sin and that you understand what you did that hurt him. That is a critical step in reconciliation, for the one who was hurt to know that the one who did the hurting is truly repentant.
This is so powerful, my precious sister!!! What a big step you are taking right now. I love your humility and willingness to wait in zgod and your husband and to want to make things right.
Thank. You so much for sharing!
I wonder if I might share any of this anonymously as a post?
Much love to you!!!
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I agree – what a beautiful thing. LMSdaily115, even though this has been a very difficult journey for you both, I think you’re BOTH listening to the Lord’s prompting of your hearts (even if he may not profess to be a Christian, he seems to be listening. He may be a bit stubborn but the fact that he’s sleeping in the bed again is a huge step)!
Praise God for what He’s able to do in your life… and thank you for listening to His still, small voice calling out to you.
Love you, sisters!!!
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How do I help my husband realize that I truly do feel the pain I have caused and want to never ever do that again? I can’t even face him without being overwhelmed and emotional about it. I don’t want to go into an emotional monologue, but I need to help him know that I understand it. I have been going the actions, I know they speak more than words. But apparently he has not connected that it is the very reason I have changed. I know God would want me to stay positive and not dwell in the past, but I need to stand up from the ashes, even if my husband never forgives me. I feel very torn here. God can see my heart, but my husband can’t.
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LMSdaily115,
April may have a better suggestion, but do you think you could write down an apology, so you are able to edit and re-word and rewrite to make it as short, sweet, and concise as possible, and give that to him in a letter or card? It might help you express everything you need without getting overwhelmed and emotional in person about it.
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LMSdaily115,
Pray and ask God to help you know how best to convey your repentance. Have you shared with your husband about all of the tears and sorrow you have had over your sin and that you understand more now than ever how much you hurt him?
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Yesi have. I feel very quit again. Its all I can see anymore is the daily hurt 8 caused. I want to reach out to him, hold him, kiss and hug him, but I don’t want to pressure or rush him. Ivan willing to wait patiently. My concern is I don’t want him to think I don’t have the desire or want to touch, feel, be intimate. I never want to refuse him again, but not sure what to do. I hugged him last night and he thanked me. I felt that was all I could do. I know I need to let him know how I feel, but just feel paralyzed.
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LMSdaily115,
If you have shared your grief and repentant heart with him and shared how upset you have been, then, I believe it is time to be sure to allow God to create only godly sorrow that leads to repentance (which it already has long ago) not worldly sorrow that leads to death.
I’m glad you hugged him and he was receptive. I pray for God’s continued wisdom for you, my precious sister!
Your husband may feel paralyzed right now. But you are in Christ, so you are free to do anything and everything He calls you to do each moment! You are not shackled or paralyzed. The goal is simply to seek how to please God and how to most bless your husband as he heals.
Much love!
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Hi April. I have realized that often, us women are battling our emotions on two battle fronts…one as a “victem” of hurtful words/actions etc, and one as an “aggressor” doing the same back. I never realized that “wearwolf” lived inside me, that I had the capability yo do so much damage because I knew my motives were good. Until my husband would not “forgive” me, I couldn’t understand his anger and temper. God convicted me of demanding an apology from my husband when he simply needed me yo acknowledge his pain that I caused. This floored me. I thought I had done this when I realized how disrespectful I had been. However, I just wanted to rush ahead and put my mistakes in the past and do good now. He needed to know that I FELT his pain too. I knew I felt MY pain, but not his. When I decided to put my own hurt down and focus on the damage I truly had done, I felt so much more peace and understanding. I felt like I knew how to examine a problem from another perspective besides my own. I felt smarter and more in control of my emotions. It hurt to see that monstervin me, but I know we all have one now. God helps us cage it when we need to love. I am now trying to figure out how to help my husband with his own “monster” he doesn’t realize he has. I can see his motives and help I pray to God to give me the timing and words to point out his temper and angry, cutting words are not a healthy delivery to his correct meaning. I could use help with thus. I know God will do the work, I just would like help in dealing with the critical, cutting words of a man with a temper (not physical). Especially when he turns his wrath onto the kids. I used to correct and rebuke him on the spot, in front of kids and guests…ugh, how embarrassing for him and disrespectful. Thanks.
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LMSdaily115,
I am so grateful to God for giving you the ability to see and the wisdom to understand what your husband has been experiencing. THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!
Does he seem to feel more understood now?
Have you read “Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers”?
Does he know that you support him as a dad in general?
What does he say he needs?
Praying for you both. I am so thankful to see God at work in both of your lives. I know He will finish the work He has begun!
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April.
Maybe I am just sooooo inpatient that I struggle with waiting on God. I, too, am a doer, not someone to sit around.
Here are the thoughts that are warring in my mind and I am struggling with… I want god’s will, not my own, so I am at peace with waiting. Then, I think, God, please use me as you see fit to do your work. So I look for opportunities to bless others. I have an elephant in the room when it comes to my husband. Here is someone I can bless!! So I pray on how to bless him. But, oh wait, he is also hurting me with his apathy and unpluggedness and avoidance and silence. I feel very unloved, I should approach him about this in a loving, peaceful and respectful way, that way I can communicate how his actions are being received. But he gets upset and thinks I am being selfish by thinking of my feelings… he thinks nothing has changed, but he does tell me that I am not hurting him anymore, he just doesn’t think I am really looking at the horrible mess I created. So I remember God’s way and respond in kindness and love.
I have so much love and respect to give him, but it hurts so much when he doesn’t care about it. I know it is to do as God commands and I ultimately want to do that. I just get moments of sadness and frustration and have to deal with my own hurt…it doesn’t feel right to ignore it, but I also don’t dwell on it. I keep choosing to honor and love even if my husband doesn’t change or return or deserve it. I want my husband to know that I AM interested in him and want the best for him and love him. However, when I try to SHOW this, he feels it is manipulative. If I TELL him, it is taken wrong, If I back off, I worry that it will just allow us to keep drifting farther apart and he will view me as uninterested.
So I try to wait and stay busy and look for ways to bless him, but it seems so futile. I look for the blessings at the end of each day, like, he is still physically here, (maybe not emotionally or spiritually), he asked if he could pick up anything at the store for me today. He has not been so angry and attacking today. He lays beside me in bed now, even under the covers. He is honoring his commitment to stay married, although only because we have kids. He fully expects it all to be over in 7 years when the youngest turns 18 and or leaves the house.
In the meantime, he is in self preservation mode and has no idea how he is hurting me, the kids, his parents and friends. He cannot see it and I seem to be asking him to do something he is incapable of doing. He feels he is broken and there is no fixing. I feel that he is a living breathing thing, not a house or a car that cannot heal. I want him to heal, even if that does not involve our marriage lasting any longer.
How do I show him my love and respect while also allowing him to keep distancing himself further away? I want to respect his need for space and time, but it is shutting ME down in the process. I look to God to help pick me up, and he does, but my husband is far from God and I cannot discuss this part of me with him. I want God to use me to help the situation, but I feel I am not allowed to do that. Communicate or stay quiet? Move toward him to comfort, or give him space? Be vulnerable with my thoughts or feelings, or take them to God only? Tell him my wants and needs, or just handle them on my own?
I know he says he doesn’t want to hurt me, so he thinks the space and time is helping, but it hurts me even more. it may be helping him, so I try to understand and respect that. The two battle fronts are very conflicting….one front is to not hurt him, the other is to not be hurt…Defense ( which leads to pulling away or shutting down) or offense ( which may be disrespecting his need for space and time) or stand in the middle of the field and wait for what is next…which feels so much like a passive victim and waiting for life to happen to me rather than working toward a goal. I keep putting my own hurts away as I try to see it from his perspective. I keep trying to build him up and not cut him down.
I want him to see his hypocrisy of his actions. He is doing what I did and it all turned out wrong…. I need him to work with me to go towards me as I go towards him, I feel I am chasing him… I know I should not want to try to convict him, I am not his Holy Spirit or God, but telling him how I feel seems like the same thing? I know I should let me do the pursuing, but I don’t want him to think I am uninterested and give him a reason to stop all together and take the easy way out and end the marriage. i know God has much work to do in him and still in me as well, should I ask that God just have me focus on anybody else to bless BESIDES my husband right now? Am I trying to hard? What is the right amount? Very conflicting. Sorry for the length. Steam of consciousness can do that.
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LMSdaily115,
Oh goodness, how you remind me of myself!!!!!!!
Ok… so, God is moving mightily in your marriage. Those things you listed about the positives – are HUGE, HUGE steps! He is even under the covers with you in bed now! WOW!
I think that your expectations about how long this will take may need to be modified. Your husband is spiritually in the ICU still. He is not doing very well at all. Right now, I don’t know that he can meet your needs for love. I think he may be able to in time. But that may be many months or years from now.
How often are you sharing your hurt and needs with him, would you say?
I really don’t think that if you back off he will view you as being uninterested. He is a pretty intelligent guy, it sounds like. And I am sure he will remember all of the things you have said to him. When he is feeling stronger, he will probably begin to move toward you. This cannot be forced or rushed. It is going to take a long time. That has to be okay.
It seems to me like every time you write to me feeling hopeless – there is a new breakthrough within 48 hours. 🙂
If only you could step back a bit and see how far you both have come. Your obedience to God is never futile!
I vote to respect his need for time and space and allow God to meet your needs right now, trusting God to heal your husband and marriage in time. This takes a LONG TIME. Probably good to have that in mind and to not expect that he will be the most romantic guy ever in a few months.
He will see his sin in time. It sounds like you have showed him his sin. Now, it may be time to let God work on his heart.
How long did your sin of disrespect go on? Many years, right?
It took my husband 3.5 YEARS into this journey to feel safe with me again. He was shut down for a long time even after God began to change me. I learned to depend totally on God during that time and I am SO THANKFUL for that!
Perhaps it may be wise to focus only on allowing God to change you and not to seek to tangibly bless your husband. Just you having the peace and joy of God and being respectful may be blessing enough for him right now. I know your husband will come around in time. But if you rush or push him, it will take much longer!
Much love to you! Be encouraged in Christ, my precious sister!
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I had a feeling you could relate to my impatience.
I could do the suggestion of backing away from trying to tangibly bless my husband. I will always try to be kind and respectful, maybe i am still doing respect=love in my book and the more I try to “love” him, he doesn’t need that. Respect is more important.
I want to move closer to God first and foremost. I want to get back to living the wonderful life God had given me. I want to find the joy and happiness waiting around the corner, but then, oh yeah, there is this marriage thing I still have around my neck. I don’t want to NOT work on it, but geez, I don’t want to ignore all the other blessings in my life as well (children, friends, family).
I know feelings can change and maybe I am just trying to spare him the pain of realizing how hurtful his actions and words were when he realizes his part in our marriage problems. It seems so easy to fix, if he could only feel what I felt when I asked God for help. If he could understand man vs women, if he would be honest about his role…i have worked hard at learning all of this. Through the pain and sorrow, but it is sooo worth it to come out the other end a better person and like myself again and feel the love and grace in God.
Stupid free will (haha) Nice loop hole, God, I see what you did there, brilliant! Okay, chin up for today and marching forward to do the work of God and laying the worry over my husband at His feet. I know I have no control over it, I am such a bookworm. Reading and comprehending something is far different than living it out in the natural world.
Lord,
I pray you teach me something new about myself today and help me draw closer to you and lay my troubles down. Help me refine my motives and expectations (again, and again apparently) until I learn the valuable lesson. Help keep all idols from my heart so i can only place you in there. fill me up, Lord, with your love and grace and mercy so that I can bask in the sun that you shine in my life. I pray that you help my husband find that sunshine and help him find what he needs. I pray that you show me how I can do your work for you and when you need me to get out of the way so you can get in there. ( I especially need help with that one!) Lord, thank you for keeping your promise that all things are possible with you. Thank you for the Bible which gives humans a tangible way to live out your goals for us. thank you for sending angels like April and her husband and bloggers to give support to your baby children learning to live in your light for the first time and in their marriages. Every day I wake up knowing you have a fresh blessing for my life and you give me the yearning to share that with others. Thank you for valuing me. Amen,
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LMS daily,
I used to think there were so many things I should DO to show Greg my respect. Turns out, he really doesn’t need that much from me. It is actually pretty simple and easy. And requires almost no effort. I often balk against that because I want to do a bunch of things for him that would be meaningful to him. Mostly, he just appreciates my love, honor, presence, acceptance, and friendship. He appreciates me taking care of the kids and the house. He really doesn’t want anything else than these things. He hates for me to ask him what I can do for him. He doesn’t like change – so he doesn’t want me to change for him.
I think that it could be possible that we as women misunderstand our men a lot. I know I sure did and I still have a lot to learn! Sometimes with men, less is more. Sometimes space is a very precious gift. Sometimes when we try so hard, it feels smothering to them. Perhaps just living there in the same home peacefully and joyfully is enough. You may not have to prove anything to him – other than that God is changing you and that you are treating him with respect and honor – and that you are patient in allowing him to heal and grow at the pace he and God set.
Only God can convict people of sin. I have a feeling that you have probably told him about your pain enough already. If you take your hands off of his spiritual and emotional throat – he will not forget you are there. A lot of women worry that their husbands will think they don’t love them if they give their men more space when a man is very wounded. I have not ever seen a situation like that. If he doesn’t want so much space, he will probably close the gap when he is feeling safe and secure and feeling stronger.
Focus on Christ. Let Him work in you in mighty ways. Focus on your children and all of the blessings in your life. Focus on praising God and singing to Him and thanking Him. Go about your life in total dependence on Christ, and with a friendliness toward your husband – allowing God to work in his heart and soul as he processes things by himself.
Praying for wisdom for you about the parenting issues. Those are important concerns!!!
Much love to you!
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LMD Daily, I just prayed that prayer right along with you and for you! You are loved and God is working!
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I wish I could answer those questions. He says he needs nothing from me. He is an island. I am merely a ghost in the room he does not acknowledge, or wish to interact with. I just happen to be there. I don’t know if he feels more understood or not. I don’t think he believes me when I tell him that I see his perspective or want to see it and ask him for clarification. He is either defensive/angry or poker faced. He says he is not mad at me any more, but that he feels he did nothing wrong in our marriage. He feels hopeless about our marriage, but he tells me he sees all the changes I have made, and they are good, but it doesn’t matter any more. He says it is broken and unfixable, like a car crash, the car won’t heal or fix itself. He says I am not hurting him as much any more, but he thinks its because he doesn’t care as much as he used to anyway. he feels he is simply living out his life according to his commitments ans what he should do, not what he wants to do. My help/kind words/respect/cooperation means nothing to him anymore….his words. I have read how to respect our husbands as fathers a few times and I no longer correct or challenge him in front of the kids. If I mention anything about what the kids may or may not be thinking or feeling, he gets very defensive and thinks I am trying to control his relationship with his kids and calls me a liar. I am watching him crush my son emotionally by calling him bad names and intimidating him and being over criticizing. I am watching him neglect my daughter emotionally by removing himself from the presence of the kids, even if I am not home. My daughter keeps up the good fight of faith, but I see her pulling away from him emotionally and withdrawing from trying to stay connected to him. He sees none of it. He thinks him and the kids are just fine. I can’t stand to see my kids hurting, I know how it feels, from my past (parents divorced 3 times, workaholic dad etc.) and from our relationship. I am not even allowed to talk to the kids about what is happening, so i am sure they are scared and confused…at 11 and 13, they are not stupid. I have a big sword at my disposal.. my words/actions sword. but it is big and unwieldy and I am not sure how to use it.
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LMS daily,
God can change your husband – even if he can’t see that now. I am really not worried about his feelings at this point. He is spiritually very sick. Our God is sovereign! We know God can heal him.
There are times you may have to say something gently, in private, about what he is doing with the children – even if he gets upset.
Let’s pray together that God might give him eyes to see in His timing. And for wisdom for you about exactly how to approach these difficult situations where your children are suffering.
How is your time with God going, my sister?
Are you keeping your eyes on Christ this week?
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Thank you. I will pray for the strength and timing to approach my husband and stop trying to worry about his feelings. I can’t do anything about his reactions any way. I am loving God in so many ways. I feel him helping me to “grow up: a bit. I feel like a kid learning to ride a bike without training wheels today. He knows I can do it, I just am not sure. He has held on to the seat when I was just starting to get going, but he knows when to let go and let me soar with my own power. I know he is still watching and will be there if I fall and will celebrate with me over my success! I am scared, but willing to try. I feel his love. I have so much to learn and am thirsty for it all. I am still trying to eat the elephant at one meal…. sometimes I guess I just make myself sick that way. haha. Thanks for the advice and bumping me back on the right road. much love and blessings to you April. Lets see what happens in 48 hours!!! Every day is an adventure I look forward to.
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LMS daily,
LOVE this!!!!! 🙂 Yes, I am looking forward to your update. And I love seeing you get to soar on wings like an eagle in God’s arms and in the power of His Spirit!
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April,
You pretty much know all of my story, so I don’t think I need to catch you up.
I saw the counselor again a few days ago. As you might remember, we originally talked about a potential personality disorder in my husband. After the last session, my counselor wonders if it might be alcohol induced paranoia. This would explain the accusations, the secrecy, the potential projection, the explosive anger, even during sober times. My husband and I do drink together. I am going to stop completely, in hopes that it might be an example to him, or maybe he will also stop, to support my endeavor.
My husband says he doesn’t see any improvement in our marriage or in me since starting counseling and he doesn’t want to continue spending money on it, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go back. I can’t go to anyone at church, because we’ve had some unrelated issues there and my husband would be livid if I approached anyone there with our private issues.
This is a spiritual battle for which I feel ill-equipped. I am not at all experienced in spiritual warfare. I have moments where I feel utterly exhausted and just want to collapse. I have moments of pure joy and elation and overwhelming grace and love for my husband, especially when my husband is being the man I KNOW he is: loving, funny, attentive, romantic. I have moments of defeat where I just want to be alone so that I don’t have to walk on eggshells for a few minutes.
Through these moments, I know God is right beside me. Even if I don’t feel him, I am not trusting my feelings, I am trusting what I know to be true. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves my husband more than I do. He has already won the victory over this spiritual attack! Perhaps he is using this to refine me even more. I’m not sure.
What I do know is that I am weary. I am not sure how to act on a day-to-day basis. I am spending time in God’s word daily. I am part of an online Bible study group for women so I am getting more in-depth study of scripture.
But I so desperately need some strong prayer warriors with me to defeat this attack! I don’t know how long this will take. I don’t know how to make these evil spirits leave my husband, leave our home, leave our marriage. I don’t know when God will choose to open my husband’s eyes. I don’t know IF God will choose to open my husband’s eyes. I just need prayer, and lots of it. I need to know how to do spiritual warfare. And how to endure.
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M,
Alcohol induced paranoia – wow. So, that could happen even when he is sober? That is an interesting thought – and would definitely explain a lot of his behavior.
I love the idea of avoiding alcohol in this particular situation. That sounds like it could be a helpful place to start.
A seminary professor, pastor, and missionary at our church, Philip Steyne, has some books about spiritual warfare that may be helpful. Might be able to find them online. I wish you could have been in the class he taught last year, “Overcoming the Powers.” We ended up missing half of the class because of other obligations – but how I long to just sit and listen to God’s wisdom that this man has to share and his stories and experiences around the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you are aware of biblical books about spiritual warfare – please let M know!
I love your heart for Christ. I am sure that God is using even this to refine you for Christ – and that the results will be so beautiful for His kingdom and His glory!
What did the counselor suggest for you to do?
He was not open to stop drinking?
I know that there are teams of believers in my state who people can call and they come pray and cast out demons. My husband met a lady a few weeks ago who is on a team like this. They do not take any money, but just go where there are needs.
Let’s join together to pray for M and her husband, brothers and sisters!
Lord,
You know the pain that is going on in this marriage and family. You know the problems and the confusion and chaos. You are the sovereign King of kings and Lord of lords! You control every galaxy and every subatomic particle that exists. You have power over Satan and demons. They cannot do anything apart from Your permission. You have the power to cast out evil and unclean spirits. You have power over addictions. You have the power to convict people of sin and to open blind eyes. We pray for You to work in a mighty way in M and in her husband. Bring sin to light. Bring the resources they need. Give M wisdom for each step. Give her Your Spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. Help her to listen to Your voice, not to anything ungodly. Surround her with prayer warriors. Let her submit fully to You. In the power of Christ – cause any demons to flee from her husband and give him a sound mind. Draw him to Yourself and heal his soul for Your glory!
In the Name and power of Christ Jesus, our Lord,
Amen!
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April, I can’t thank you enough for your encouragement and PRAYER!!! I will look up Philip Steyne and see what I can find.
The counselor asked me to look around for receipts to indicate he’s been out drinking more than I’m already aware, or for hidden alcohol. She also asked me to look and see if there might be any hidden cameras anywhere. She is trying to narrow down whether it is a personality disorder stemming from childhood or whether it’s the alcohol dependence. I am inclined to believe it’s a little of both, but neither are incredibly severe. I am uncomfortable with, as you and I have discussed, playing “private investigator”. I realize she is attempting to make a determination in order to advise me how to proceed, but part of me wants to wait for God’s timing for things to be brought to light. I’m not sure how the counselor can advise me without that information, though.
He is still a wonderful, loving, funny, romantic, affectionate, hard-working man! I know who my husband is at his CORE and when he has angry outbursts or unfairly accuses me, I know that is NOT my husband.
When we talked this morning and I mentioned my not drinking anymore, he said he would love to be able to do that, but he knows I’ve already seen that while he can go a few days, once there is a big stressor, it’s all over.
My God has already won the victory over satan and his forces! I know this! I am claiming victory for my husband and for my marriage! I would so greatly appreciate any additional resources anyone might have on spiritual warfare, and I would appreciate as many prayer warriors as possible!
Thank you SO much!
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M,
I can understand why the counselor would like to have this kind of information, to try to determine what exactly is going on.
It sounds like he knows he has a problem with alcohol if he can’t handle stress without it. Would you say that he has admitted that it is an addiction?
Much love to you!
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There was one day, a few months ago, when he said he felt like he might have a problem, and he wanted to just stop, cold turkey. So I did it with him. But the next time we went to my parents’ house and my dad just poured a drink for him like he always did, that was the end of it. I’ve suggested telling my parents, and we have a couple of times, but then something stressful will happen and my husband will stop at a bar on his way home from work.
I am going to see how it goes with me stopping. See if he tries to stop with me. If he can’t stop, I will suggest he get help somewhere. He is ADAMENT that he does not have an addictive personality, so suggesting AA might not be a good idea. I’m not sure where to start, to be honest.
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Praying with you, M and LMSdaily.
(A personal sidenote of mine: I think everyone has an addictive personality. It’s just that some people have different addictions than others. Some addictions are more socially acceptable [like eating healthy food and getting adequate exercise] than others [binging on junk food or playing video games all day long]. My husband LOVES collecting things. He changes his “collections” based upon whatever fancy he gets… he’s got Legos, Star Wars stuff, Transformers, GI Joes, board games, decks of cards, video games and systems, Dr. Pepper products, hot sauces… He has a little collection of those kiosk toys you can get (they’re like,$2-3 each and are usually pop-culture related). I’ve talked to him before and said that he has hoarder tendencies and he got REALLY upset. “I do not! You watch an episode of hoarders: I’m nothing like that! You can’t even walk through their houses!” The thing is, that show was an EXTREME example of hoarding. My husband isn’t THAT bad, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have hoarder tendencies! I talked to him about it again the other day and he was a lot less resistant to the idea (probably because the first time I said it, I came off as disrespectful, and the second time I was very careful to be gentle and respectful about it). This time, he knew I didn’t mean he was an extreme case, but a very mild case (yet with those tendencies all the same… I have tendencies of my own – just not necessarily in that category!)
LOL that was a really long sidenote… oops!
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April. I may have really screwed up today. I got overwhelmed at how unplugged my husband is and the pain was crushing. I went to run a quick errand and left the kids at home for 30 minutes. I was already feeling down, ignored, abandoned… The list goes on. A car turned in front of me with a bumper sticker that said “Hope college”. I lost it. I couldn’t stop crying. On my way home I begged God for strength and patience. I pulled into my in laws drive way to get the crying done before I went home to facevthe kids. I didn’t think the in laws were home, but they were. They came out and saw me in distress. I appologized and said I didn’t mean to burden them. My film gst upset and my husband at work to vome home…he was sick of my husbands attitude also. I cleaned up my face and went home. My husband immediately called to ask what drama he is being summoned for. I told him how hurt I was and that he keeps hurting me and the kids. I wasn’t in total control of my emotions. I tried do hard to build up and not take down, but I’m afraid the dam broke. I fear this is the breaking point. So many people keep telling me to leave him and I say no. They say it is not fair to me to be treated this way, but I understand how he felt and why. He doesn’t talk to me, look st me, touch me. I am nothing but a ghost to him. I know God will pick me up from this, but what damage have I now done! I couldn’t be peaceful to him. I am begging him to plug in. Even if it is not with me. At least for the sake of the kids and his family and friends. I am a wreck. I don’t even know what to pray for right now.
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LMSdaily,
I don’t know that this was a mistake. Perhaps some outside accountability may be helpful. We will pray together for God to work in his heart and to provide the wisdom and resources you need.
Who all is telling you to leave? Are these people who are living godly lives and are fully submitted to Christ?
What is God speaking to you about whether to stay or go?
How is your time wtih God going?
How did your husband respond to his father?
What is he doing tonight?
i want to see him treat you and the children much better. Maybe God will speak to him somehow through this? We will pray for His wisdom!
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He listened patiently to his parents then came home and said he thinks they are wrong. But he thinks we need to talk things out. He is frustrated when we talk because he feels I cut him off and twist things around to the negative. After praying on this, I think I might be trying to tell him the way things make me feel, but he thinks I sm twisting his meanings. I need to really work on listening and not cutting in or interjecting my feelings on stuff. I honestly think that there is alot of maturing that needs to happen. I know I’m not going to get the tenderness, comfort or affection I would like from him. I think my biggest issue is that I want to kiss, hug, do nice things etc., but I am reluctant because I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. However if I am going to truly be “me” those things are part of who I am. I don’t want to pull away and make it easier for him to justify why we need to be apart, but I know I can’t put my life on hold and sit in the ashes with him. I have a lot to learn still and I know God will show me. I wish he could see what God has shown me about unconditional love, pride, control and expectations. What godly marriage looks like and enjoying the lived ones in our lives. I will keep trying my best to wait on God. I am floored that your husband wouldn’t look at you touch you etc. How awful, and you are both Christians. How such emotional pain for you. I will keep praying for strength and patience for me and for my husband to somehow open ears and eyes to God. Its Gods will, not mine. I just hate sitting on the fence.
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LMSdaily115,
I am glad that you are planning to listen more and not interrupting. I think it is also important for us as women to realize that there is a very high likelihood that we misunderstand our husbands because men tend to think very, very differently from how we do.
There can be times when holding things back is part of healing – if he is not ready for your affection. I pray for God’s wisdom about that for you. I hope that is something you can talk about together.
When I began this journey, Greg had been remodeling an old house for over a year and a half 6 nights per week until midnight on top of his day job. During that same period, I had been working 21 hours/week in the pharmacy, nursing our baby, and sleeping 2-4 hours/night in 30 minute increments because the baby was sick so much. Greg’s experiences with me had been that I was critical, disrespectful, negative, controlling, upset, unhappy, crying, demanding, condemning, and bossy. We were both way beyond exhausted – which was not a good recipe for marriage in any circumstances. But he had shut me out of his heart because all he experienced from me was pain. He didn’t feel safe with me. It took 3.5 years into this journey for his walls to come down. I am so thankful that he does feel safe with me again and that God gave me (and us) another chance!
There is a lot of waiting and uncertainty in this process. You can’t really rush it. The waiting and being patient is one of the most important ingredients in our becoming more mature in our faith.
Much love!
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Thank you April. You bring up a good point about exhaustion. The majority of our problems have been since we had kids. I was tired from getting up all the time and we did not know that my husband had sleep apnea and getting the equivilant of 19 minutes of sleep every night. 7 years ago I hit a wall from his criticism and irritability. When he was diagnosed and treated, things got better and I recommitted to us. Then he took on a bigger responsibility at work, more time away, but because of the cpap machine, he thought 4 hours of sleep is enough…its not. Plus all the caffeine and ADHD meds, he HAS to be exhausted. He told me last night that he is irritated with me as soon as he wakes up…simply for the PJs ivwore to bed, a dish left in the dink or having pictured on the wall. I am starting the day in the negative simply for being me. I realize that I cannot do anything about his thoughts and reactions. I am in a lose -lose situation with this. I feel so freed and received to finally understand that all the ways I tried to change to please him was fruitless. I would never be able to think/act/do exactly like him…which is what he said he wants…because I will never BE him. He will be frustrated with anyone, including kids, friends, family or another woman. My ONLY route to feel “good enough”, valued and happy is and always was with God. I am not responsible for my husbsnd’s reactions. I can change me and my disrespect and my own reactions to situations, but I feel freed to understand his side is not something I can control!!! I am either accepted or not by my husband. God always accepts me. I can’t make my husband accept me and I’ll never be able to live up to his unrealistic expectations to become just like him. So, I can let it go and be at peace with the possibility he may reject me and leave our marriage behind. I will continue to honor God, I will respect my husband, but I will not take the blame for his actions and reactions any more. Sad, but freeing. I CAN pray for my husband to find God and together they can work on releasing expectations, getting sleep, loving those he loves as God commands. But God can to all that with my dh. I cannot. I have been do confused snd exhausted and lost from myself trying to solve and fix a problem I am powerless to solve.
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LMSdaily115,
If he is dealing with only 4 hours of sleep per night – that is severe chronic sleep deprivation. I have been there many, many times – and it is extremely difficult when your flesh is so weak to be the person you want to be. And if he is also dealing with ADHD – that is a big challenge. For both of you.
I am actually THRILLED about this realization you had. This is what EVERY believer has to understand. This is the path to peace! LOVE LOVE LOVE what God is showing you! In fact, I would love to share the last half of this anonymously on my FB post – I believe it will bless many, many wives (and husbands).
What God is doing in you is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!! I am glad you see you can’t fix it. And I am glad you aren’t going to try to be your husband. I am also glad you are seeking to trust God and to depend totally on Him and to please Him and trust your husband to God.
Sending you much love!
April
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It seems so weird to be at peace after hearing such a disturbing confession from the man you love most on this earth. Had I not learned about how valuable I am to God and that I am beautiful made in Gods perfection. Knowing I can never be someone else and how absurd of an idea it is just takes the pressure off of trying to do something that would never ever work. Had i not ripped out my own idol of self righteousness, pride, control, feeling bigger than God and dealt with my sins of sarcasm, criticism, bitterness, unforgiveness etc, i would have never been able to see it. I truly had a log in my eye and even though my husband does too, I can understand it and help him by getting out of Gods way or by not accepting and honoring his sins by believing them. It was Friday, but Sunday came! Alleluia!
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LMSdaily115,
This is so very powerful and beautiful. I praise God for His preparation for your soul and for what He is doing in you. We will trust Him together to work in your husband and to continue to work in your soul, as well.
Much love to you!!!!
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LMSdaily,
Keep in mind, Greg didn’t talk to me, look at me, or touch me for a long time around the time I began this journey, too. It will take years for healing, in most cases. I want God to make your steps clear so that you walk in obedince to Him. When you are feeling lonely, please turn to Christ! He can meet those deepest needs of your heart that your husband can never meet. Depend on Jesus, not your husband! That is something we all need to do every day. There were years of loneliness for me on this journey, it I began to understand taht I could use that time to plug in to Jesus. Then I began to enjoy my time alone wtih God. My husband is still introverted. He doesn’t need or want a lot of attention. He is content just to be in the same room in the evenings and cuddle. We talk at times, other times he likes to not talk. Totally fine with me now. I no longer demand attention and can be content with or without his attention. If I was still depending on Greg to meet all of my needs, I would still be lonely because I have many more needs emotionally and spiritually than he can meet. But God can meet them! He is sufficient!! No man can fulfill us. Only Jesus can, and He can fulfill us in ways that our husbands never could. 🙂
Your husband’s love would be wonderful, but it is not the main thing. Jesus is the main thing. Hold onto Christ, my dear sister!
Do your in laws know how your husband has been treating your children? Is he still being really hateful and harsh to them? I am praying for God’s wisdom for you about if you should leave or stay. How are your children doing?
I know of some wives who will respectfully say something like, “I know you are upset with me, and I understand why. That is why I am trying to change with all that is in me. But it is not okay for you to continue to ignore/yell at our children. They don’t deserve this. I know you are a better man than this. I know that man is still inside you. I know you can be the father they need and that you want to love them and give them the best possible life and memories. I know you don’t want them to remember you like this.”
Of course, after today, it may not be necessary to say much else for awhile. God’s wisdom is much higher than mine, so I pray you will hear His voice, my precious sister!
I pray God will help you know what to say and when, when to be quiet, and when to act and how.
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What kind of headcovering do you use when you pray? Did you buy or make it?
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Victoria,
I personally use a scarf at home or a hat at church. 🙂
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I have been reading on mid life crisis. I found some excellent info that Aldo relates back to your suggestions. Wait on God, use the time to examine yourself and fix things you need to fix, get rid of control and pride. How to listen and talk respectfully to your husband…. I feel like after asking God to give me dome help in understanding what is going on in my husband, he washed his peace over me, took away my sadness and directed me to the MLC info, much the same way I found your blog, April. I was wondering what your thoughts on mlc is and if you feel it is real or not. I can totally see how only walking with God can help me get through this, and again, there I’d no guarantee that my dh will want yo return to me, but with Gods help, I will be able to be s more godly person and can be at peace with it all. Any feedback from others would be helpful as well.
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LMSdaily115,
That is awesome that you are experiencing God’s peace!!!! WOOHOO!
I’m sure that for some people, a midlife crisis is very real. It is that realization that so much time has been wasted and not much time remains – and many people decide to throw their whole old lifestyle away and reach for excitement and youth – as if those things can promise satisfaction. I think it boils down to idolatry of self, pleasures, and the world, most of the time.
I am praying for you both right now, that God might lead you both to Himself and for reconciliation for your marriage.
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April. I know that as we learn to look toward God for all our needs like loneliness, self worth, love etc. What, then, do I do when I long to be held and touched by my husband. I want to hold him and comfort him, but I am constantly rejected. I accept his “no”, but when I am cold or wanting a protective hug, I just don’t know how that “physical” need can be gained when I need to look to God. Is it sinful because it is “of the flesh”? It doesn’t feel sinful to want this from my husband, but i know it would be a sin to demand it from him. How does God fill that need?
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LMSdaily115,
Of course it’s not sinful to want to be held and touched by your husband. He is your husband! That is a GOOD desire you have for him. I think there can be a grieving process and then a wrestling with God as you turn over your desires to Him and share your sadness that you do long to touch him and be touched by your husband – and that you miss him and want that intimacy back. God created physical intimacy in marriage and it is a GOOD thing! Then, you lay down your desires before God and trust Him to empower your husband to meet them in time.
Be sensitive to God’s prompting about when to approach your husband and when not to. For most men, testosterone levels are highest in the morning – does he get upset if you cuddle up with him in bed still?
God isn’t going to physically cuddle with you – true – but He can give you the power to handle the disappointment and sadness and to find joy in Him even in the painful, lonely times in your marriage, turning to Him with all your heart and trust to work things out for your ultimate best. This is an opportunity to die to self – and God may use this to teach you and train you in greater maturity. I hope that makes sense!
If your husband is willing to cuddle and touch and be intimate – then definitely enjoy him. But if he is still withholding himself from you, depend on God’s strength to help you.
A post that may be helpful is “Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord” by a 40 year old single man. If our single brothers and sisters must depend on God’s power to enable them to live chaste lives as singles for decades, surely we can trust God to help us deal with this kind of painful situation for a few months or however long we must face it even in marriage.
Much love to you!
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Hi April. I am wondering about my husbands behavior in this situation. As you know, we have been on the edge of divorce since November last year and I have been learning and practicing submission for about 6 months. He says he sees me make a 180 ° turn around, but he can’t let go of his hurt. He doesn’t think he hurt me..only by letting me get away with my bad attitude for 18 years.
We went to some open houses lately and when we are all with family or friends, he is talking about how he would love to move out or shove me into a remote part of the house. He tries to say these things jokingly and the men will giggle, but the wives look at me with questioning looks as if to ask if everything is all right. He tells stories of me breaking yard equipment or small accidents. It is very embarrassing and cutting. I used to get mad and fight back in the same way until I realized how disrespectful I was being. However, sometimes he lumps me in with other women like his mother or my mother and gives a “good riddance” remark. I just stay quiet and not say anything negative or fight back. I am embarrassed and hurt by the way he is throwing me under the bus with his family and friends.
Is this some sort of validation attempt to get sympathy? Is it trying to hurt me in public? Do I just let it go knowing he is hurting and I think it might go away in time? I don’t want to criticize him and make him feel like he can’t even talk around his family or do anything right, but this is the 4th event he has done this st. He is also making a vacation plan in October that I usually attend with a large group of friends and he has not bothered to bring it up to me. I only found out from 2 of the other girls asking if I am going..they assumed I knew about it already.
I am trying to just wait on God, but I am really struggling on when to tell him how I feel or if I just let it go because none of it seems worth losing intimacy over. I feel like I am giving and giving which feels right, but my husband just could care less if I am there or not, not even sure he would care if I left or not. Right now he can eat his cake and have it too. He has a mom for his kids, a house cleaner and cook. Someone to rub his sore feet and he doesn’t even have any emotional responsibility.
How do I set healthy boundaries down here? I have very conflicting emotions on this. I feel God tells me to wait, wait, and keep waiting… But I’m starting to feel like a doormat.
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LMSdaily115,
I am pretty sure you have told him that he has hurt you, too, correct?
Have you told him – in private – that what he said at these four events was extremely hurtful and disrespectful to you?
He may be trying to get people to side with him and support his views. But it is not at all appropriate for a spouse to speak that way in public.
He DOES have responsibility here – and he will answer to God for all of his sin. None of it has escaped God’s notice. It grieves God’s heart greatly when you sin, it grieves God’s heart greatly when he sins – or when any of us sin.
If you believe God is telling you to wait – then I have to support what you believe God is telling you, my sweet sister.
Would you at least prayerfully consider addressing the cutting, disrespectful remarks he has been making?
If you believe God is prompting you to leave, then leave – in whatever time frame and way that God shows you. If you believe He is prompting you to stay, then stay – with your eyes on Christ alone, seeking to please Him alone. Obey God – that is the only thing that ultimately will matter! Ask God to help you hear Him clearly and keep your motives pure, my dear friend.
Sometimes husbands have to hit kind of a rock bottom – and it sometimes takes quite awhile after a wife begins to respect them. I have seen it take a year or year and a half at times, and some husbands treat their wives unlovingly during this time after the wives have repented. They justify this disrespectful and unloving behavior because their wives hurt them by being disrespectful for many years. Of course, God doesn’t justify their sin at all. Eventually, God wakes most husbands up to realize what they are doing and they repent. But sometimes, it is a bumpy road for awhile.
There are times when God uses a separation to wake a husband up. I have seen that numerous times. There are times when he uses a wife’s patient perseverance and godly example to wake up a husband, as well. Each situation is unique.
I do think it is important for you to respectfully confront him when he sins against you as God prompts you to. You saw the story about the wife who did that two weeks ago, I hope?
I am praying for God’s wisdom for you!
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Hi April !!!
Thanks again for all that you do on your blog ! You have helped me see why I hit a plateau with God 🙂 I have refered a lot of people to your blog and will continue too 🙂 it’s great 🙂 good luck on your book 🙂 I hope it sells in Canada !! Anyway as we have spoke before I was living in a sinful relationship with a man I had three children with. I was quite confused with what I believed God saw as marriage. I thought that merely sex was a covenant and thought what I was doing was good. But anyways I now have my own place with my three children, and pray for our relationship to be reconciled. When I was visiting him he was getting a lot of text and as disrespectful as it is I looked at them and I was very hurt by what I saw 😦 this is something he finds very disrespectful and I struggle with the temptation to look at his phone because he tends to hid a lot of things from me, even when he doesn’t have too. And I do catch him lying almost everytime I look. How do I deal with this of I have not built trust in him yet ? I’m just laying myself up to be made a fool of ? The lying is almost daily , some of it is because he doesn’t trust me yet. Some is because he gets himself into a lot of things that are huge issues ? Any ideas how I can respect him when I distrust him even more now that we don’t live together ?
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kxdxcreations,
I’m really glad that you are not having sex with a man you are not married to anymore. That is awesome! Now you can focus on allowing God to change your heart and make you into the woman He desires you to be and that obstacle won’t be keeping you stuck!
I am not sure that you can trust this man at all right now. It doesn’t sound like it would be possible to. You can respect him as the father of your children. But you are not married to him. And you are not required to marry him. You don’t have to respect him as you would if you were married – does that make sense? And you don’t have to submit to him. It doesn’t sound like that is a remotely healthy environment for you to be around him very much.
You can remain single and seek to honor God with your life and as a mom. I pray God might give you wisdom, my dear sister. And, perhaps there might be a godly mentoring wife in your church you could speak to – or a godly counselor who might walk beside you and disciple you and help you to grow in Christ?
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Also April there are many, many times my husband views things as disrespect that I truly don’t believe are. For example I wanted to get a new cheaper phone prepaid plan and asked if I could go under his name since he can get a better deal for getting a second phone. I mentioned that first we should check out how it would effect my phone if he was to not pay his bill and vice versa. He then reacted irrationally and went on a huge yelling fit as he accused me of disrespect when I view it over and over and pray I really do not understand. He also acts this way towards the children say they are disrespectful when they almost anything at all but stay in there rooms silently it has really discouraged them and it hurt me to see but I always tell them to listen to their father 😦 I find it very difficult to talk to him about it because he believes I am disrespecting him when I try sooo hard not too and then he only feels more disrespect on top. I don’t believe he himself knows what is or isn’t disrespect and expects to much of us. He has never been controlling or overly angry before how do I handle this ?
Much love April 🙂
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Kd,
If you truly want to make this relationship work, I believe you will need a lot of very intense counseling together with this man and individually – most likely. But I don’t know that he wants to change or would change. He doesn’t know Christ – so he is not seeking to grow – correct? It may be necessary to wait until God begins to change him to pursue this relationship and/or marriage with this man.
You can pray for God to open his eyes and to change him. But you can’t change him.
I wonder if it may be wise to give him a lot more space and carry on with your life and with your children. What does this man say he wants in a relationship with you?
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Hi April ! Thanks so much for your support and guidance !!! Thank you for helping me see God more clearly 🙂
James is a christian, but is taking a walk in the wilderness I guess and living apart from him. As for council, I have some support through a different church then I attend and they advised me the way you did and I was unsure if I should submit to my children’s father or continue to go but I guess that is cleared up now and I will continue. And he does say he wants a relationship with me, but I have to remember to look at his actions not his words. I am slowly figuring this out, with a lot of prayer and a lot of waiting for God 🙂 thanks for beig part of it 🙂 much love ! Kd 🙂
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Dear April. It has been about a month since I commented. Since then I have been seeking His word daily, reading my bible and such. Every week is a new challenge…this week God prompted me to stop insisting that my side get heard in an argument, to just shut my mouth, listen and try to understand my husband’s feelings, even if I don’t understand the “why”. My concern is that even though I have new perspectives, even my husband feels I have turned 180°, I am being more respectful and apologizing when I sin, he told me that I am just realizing how all this is my fault and he has nothing to apologize for and I “made” him shut down/change his personality etc. I am not asking him to appologize, I have forgiven him in my heart and asked God for forgiveness, but it seems the more respectful I get, the more convinced my husband feels that I “chose” to be disrespectful in the past and that it was all my fault and he did nothing. He admits he cannot forgive any of it. He has no hope of us growing together again. Now, I know that even though he says these hurtful things that I was not responsible for his feelings and I didn’t make him change, I know he has a lot of spiritual work to do as well, I know I can’t make him see his part in all of this, but can I do anything but sit there and watch him self destruct and take our marriage with it? I know there is no guarantee. I know that his feelings could change. All I know now is to try to be the godly example for him to see. Am I doing something wrong to make him have a stronger exuse to not move forward? Am I being too respectful? If so, how do I find a balance? God seems to be making me shut my mouth and listen, but it makes my husband more convinced that we should not be together. Any ideas?
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Lmsdaily115,
I love your heart for Christ and how you are seeking to follow God’s leading and prompting. That is awesome! Sometimes husbands go through a time of anger – exactly like what you are describing. Generally, it does not last forever. But some husbands do get angry, thinking that their wives should have known better or that they were purposely being disrespectful (in the past) once their wives change.
Husbands have their own journey to take. His own sin is coming to the surface now – and our prayer is that God will bring him to conviction. He has been grieving what he lost and how he feels he should have been treated. I have seen some husbands get quite destructive with this process. Your job is to continue to follow Christ and become the woman God desires you to be. If God shows you that it is time to leave, then leave. But if God is asking you to stay, then stay. Only God can convict him of his sin. Most of the time, a man eventually realizes that his wife truly has changed and begins to see his own sin and repents. I don’t know when this will be.
God has given you a very sensitive hear to His Spirit. Continue to listen to Him and obey Him. We will pray together for God to reach your husband. I don’t know that you are doing anything wrong. I can’t tell if you are being too respectful from what you are describing. Continue in prayer, my dear sister! Continue to seek God first. Your husband will have his own journey and his own battles. This is spiritual warfare – and your enemy wants to take you and your husband down. He is not happy about what God is doing in your heart and he wants to destroy your marriage. I don’t want to see that happen.
Note – if you would like to continue talking about this, it is totally fine with me – maybe we can move this discussion to a more recent post without a lot of comments?
Much love to you!
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My hubby and I separated 2 and half years ago and we had sometimes we were trying to work things out.. I tried more then him.. So last November I said i’m sorry I can’t do this anymore I could not become a better person with him breaking my heart it was really messing me up.. Then I didn’t call him again.. I did whatever I could to move on with my life. Then about 2 weeks ago I was lying down and still missing him and said well God do what you need to do either repair my broken heart or my hubbys and have him come back, 2 later out of the blue he contacted me. We were talking quite a bit now hes doing the same thing and i’m not sure what to do anymore. I know i’m not in the place like last year with my heart broken, but I didn’t want to open wounds for no reason. I didn’t need this in my life. I’m hoping by this I can find peace or an answer because I don’t get it
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Sherry,
That sounds really painful. 😦 I’m so sorry things have bee such a mess.
How is your relationship with Christ going?
Would you be able to talk a bit more about what he is doing exactly? If not, I totally respect that. It is just very difficult for me to tell what is going on.
Much love to you!
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I am in need of prayer and advice. I have had an issue for some time with my husband and the way he relates to other women, which tends to be more so in church. I know part of the issue is mine and I believe part is his. He seems to think since we are in church that he can relax more and should not have to be cautious with certain people (like women who are separated from their husband and admiring him etc…) I don’t think he intends on doing anything wrong and he knows this so he feels justified in that it is all my issue. He says he should be able to be himself around everyone and treat everyone the same regardless of what they are doing. The thing we really need prayer on is he just told me yesterday that he is never going to church with me again because of it. He says I will never change and I actually have done really well over the past several months but, he has seemed to get more free with it and it has begun to make me even more uncomfortable. He tends to be very friendly and I am more introverted. I feel that he does not act with clear boundaries which makes me uncomfortable. I cannot tell him when I begin to feel uncomfortable because he will not receive it. He has told me it is my issue and I better deal with it or he will never go to church with me again. Which just last night, I said one thing and he went off the deep end and said he is not going to church with me. He is not speaking to me at all and I am very concerned for our marriage and family. I don’t know if he plans on going to church separate from me? The things that have made me uncomfortable I feel he has a double standard on. He would be very upset if I talked to another man for 20 minutes in church, even if it was about something valid like music since he was playing on the worship team. Or texting the worship leader who is a woman saying things on more of a friend level than about worship, nothing outright wrong or overboard but, it makes me uncomfortable. She is married and I feel he should be talking to her husband or both of them if he is wishing them a Merry Christmas or things of that nature. He would not want me to text another man I know. He also is continually praising the worship leader and how wonderful she is and she is a very attractive talented person but, he doesn’t seem to care how this makes me feel. If I continually admired another attractive man he would I am sure be very upset. This last service he was talking to the worship leader again with praises and shortly after asked me in an arrogant tone if I missed him (seeming to enjoy all the admiration he gets from being on the worship team) and I had been in the nursery that service. I said something wrong I know but, I felt like since I couldn’t tell him how uncomfortable things had been making me feel and he knows how it bothers me, I said a sarcastic comment, saying, it doesn’t seem like you have missed me. Which ended up him telling me to leave and not wait for him after church and he text me and said he is not going back to church with me ever again and hasn’t spoken to me since. Any insight you have would be greatly appreciated. Please pray for our marriage and family. I have been seeking the Lord on my own issues with this by going through a renewing your mind with the Word program and went through prayer with close friends etc…. and to no avail I am still struggling with this. I don’t want to go to church without my husband, I don’t want my daughter to suffer from her dad not being there. I want to be set free from being worried about my husband and what he does or doesn’t do and I want him to understand and give me grace and love me trying to understand. Thank you for your prayers and wisdom..
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For Michelle,
There are different kinds of men; There are those who understand the principles of temptation and others who heard of the word temptation, but have not properly understood it. Then there are those who do not care. Often married men participate in flirtation in which they have no intention to ever cheat on their wife. There are other men who hope they get an innocent opportunity to cheat. For you Michelle I assume your husband is simply needing some attention and is getting it. I know nothing else about him so I can only guess.
Here is my story that occurred about 10 years ago. There was a young attractive girl I saw at the gym. I managed to get close enough to formally meet her and enjoy frequent conversations. She was attractive, friendly and spoke to me often. Then she began working at the gym. This resulted in a justification for my conversations with her. In those days, so many years ago, I was in just as good of incredible fitness shape as I am now. In my mind, at the time, I had no intentions of seeing her outside of the gym nor did I seek out her phone number, nor did she attempt to give it to me. I think her attention to me boosted my ego and I did not realize it. My own wife at the time ran our household and regulated all our intimacy with a bossy attitude. I guess I needed this girls attention. She was 22. Then one day as she was talking with young friends in the gym, I walked toward her in an attempt for another innocent conversation and I suddenly had a revelation; I saw how feeble and pathetic I had become in desiring the attention of this cute girl. I froze for a moment and perhaps she saw this from a distance. I stood there not really knowing what had happened over the last so many weeks or months that I first saw her beauty, desired her attention and then began talking to her. I must have stood there in the middle of the gym for 15 seconds contemplating all this. Then I made a decision. She was bad for me. She would move on and would never need me. She also knew nothing about relationships, men or marriage even though she knew I was married since I told her I was in the recent past.
After that moment of 15 seconds, I turned around and began to politely avoid her and found ways to break off our little pathetic conversations over the next coming days. I never fantasized about her but really, who was I fooling? I really did not intend on an affair. What was this? An emotional affair? I really don’t know. What was I thinking?
These days I know several women at the gym and I make no real effort to speak to them unless I personally know them. (one woman I personally know, has a child that attends the same preschool that is owned by the babysitter for my special needs child) My relationships with other women is extremely limited. I enjoy the limitations. If those limitations changed into coffee every morning with them, I would get uncomfortable because the most innocent of affairs started with coffee. There was a need for an escort to her car for the girl behind the gym front desk the other night. I innocently offered and someone else filled that need. I moved on, end of story.
I understand your concerns Michelle. You are justified in your feelings. However, if he needs an ego boost, he will look for it and male-friend-ego-boost is not where he wants it to come from.
-Jeff
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Jeff,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I praise God that He helped you to see that this was not a good thing for you. That is awesome! It’s so easy to slowly slip into seeking out another person’s attention and admiration. But it is wise to realize what is happening and to walk away. I have to guard my heart in this way, myself.
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I personally think it would be wonderful if michelle’s husband never attended that specific church again. I think he is playing with fire. I think he is bluffing about never going back; I think he is blustering and angry because michelle is calling him out on ungodly and unmanly behavior. But we will definitely pray for you, Michelle.
Do not think there is some sort of magic halo that prevents Christians from having affairs. In fact, one might say they are the most vulnerable because they don’t believe “it will ever happen to me.”
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Marked Wife,
There is definitely nothing that keeps Christians from having an affair – only the power of God’s Spirit and our desire to walk in obedience as His Spirit empowers us to. But we must abide in Christ every moment. If we begin to live in the power of the flesh, we are capable of any sin.
I used to pridefully think I was above having an affair – then, 20 years ago, early in our marriage, I developed an infatuation with another guy. I didn’t guard my heart. I was so prideful and self-righteous that “it couldn’t happen to me.” That experience scared me and opened my eyes to see that I certainly could have an affair and I need to guard my heart. Now, knowing what I know about men and their needs, I am even more aware of how easy it could be to slide into an affair and I want more than ever to protect my heart and my marriage.
I pray we will all protect our marriages and stay close to Christ so that we will not fall into temptation.
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im Nathan april im single april
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Hi, Nathan,
I am pleased to meet you. 🙂
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Hey April, thanks so much for the recommendation on your channel regarding “through a mans eyes ” by Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Ross. Wow, what an eye opener to the seriously real battlefield the men in our life are living in every day! I’ve been trying to recommend other women seeking Jesus to read it. I also wanted to say I really look forward to reading your book! God bless!
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Thank you all for your responses. An update,we have left this church and now attend another together. Which is a good thing but, I am still concerned. There are still opportunities if this issue is not dealt with in his own heart. Jeff, I appreciate your honesty and opening up about your own story and this is my very concern.
The problem is, I give my husband much attention and strive to meet his needs in every way. I am not sure what else to do other than pray and continue doing what God leads me to do and to voice concern when I see something that does not set right with me but, everytime I do it is a blow up argument or he gets very angry with me and tells me I have a problem. He sees it as if he hasn’t done anything wrong I should not be concerned, he should be able to talk to another woman. This quite often happens at the bank and other places he frequents. All of the ladies think he is funny and friendly and then when I go into the bank they are rude to me. I have talked to him about this and he thinks I am paranoid. I told him no, they are flat out rude to me, as if they are jealous.
I just don’t see how he can hear in church to be careful about these types of things but, since he hasn’t gone out to lunch with another woman or has a valid reason to talk to her that he thinks it appropriate. This in turn seems to give him a lesser view of me and see me as less desirable, I feel. Sometimes he is distant and quite frankly it concerns me,t hat in his mind he thinks the grass could be greener.
Please pray with me that the Lord would reveal HIS light on his thoughts and heart and that his heart would turn back to me. Thank you all and God bless you all and your marriages. I know true fullfillment is found in God’s plan for our lives and the way he designed marriage. We are One with our spouses and that is my desire in every area of our lives.
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April,
I’m certain my husband and I will get to talk about this at a later time and all will be good. But there’s this weird dynamic that leaves me feeling really sad. It just happened and it would be nice to talk it out.
My husband is under a great deal of stress, so I knew voicing my concerns over a business trip could get icky. My preference was not to go, but I had already decided I would go before we talked because I knew he wanted me along for support and to see some things that are going on that mean a lot to him. There are financial concerns of my going, and scheduling issues to juggle on my side. But I had a willingness to do this.
So in the midst of his trying to work today, he paused to have us QUICKLY book our flights. The dates I’d been given kept changing as he was online. He remembered several things that made it longer on both ends of the trip.
As I’m on the phone switching scheduled things, he changes the dates again. Yikes. I was calm on the outside, but getting rattled inside. I wanted to please him but had concerns. He gets worn out by too many details discussed. He’s a big picture kind of guy. I was afraid to speak. I could see he was wanting very much to please me but he also knew I was getting overwhelmed by the continued changes. We both wanted to make the other happy but neither wanted to override the other. He finally just said for me to decide but he didn’t want more discussion, he didn’t have the time for it. After a short pause on my end, he just said I was not going and he had to book the flight and get back to working. It was just over before I could take it in.
It leaves me feeling like I can’t win. I’m not a decisive person. It’s disappointing to know that he will wish I was on the trip. But I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. The time pressure just threw my brain into shut down mode.
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April,
Things are already remedied. I put my arms around him while he was working and told him I wished I was going along to support him. He said he knew that, and it was probably all for the best because he was already so stressed out and was going to be very focused on what he needed to take care of. It was helpful just to type it out here before you even had a chance to reply, so thank you!
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J,
I’m so glad that things are resolved. Praising God with you! I pray for God’s wisdom and His glory even through this situation, my precious sister.
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