God Helps a Wife Overcome Destructive Jealousy
I have been sharing many of the wives’ comments from the post Monday “I Need to Change! I Can’t Go On Like This!” on my Peaceful Wife Blog Facebook page. I want us all to get to hear about the things God has done and is doing in as many other women’s lives as possible. What a treat to get to share another wife’s story and how God is working in her heart. I pray this might bless you.
NOTE – this post is not about a husband in a porn addiction, an emotional affair, a sex addiction, or a sexual affair. If a husband is involved in something serious and is unrepentant, a wife needs to prayerfully seek godly help for herself and for him. A wife is not responsible for her husband’s sin. A husband is not responsible for his wife’s sin. Here is a post about confronting our husbands about their sin. There is such a thing as righteous jealousy and anger. But even if we are right to be jealous and angry about something our husband is doing, we do need to be careful not to slip into destructive jealousy and anger. I hope that makes sense. We are talking about when jealousy becomes destructive in this post. And we are talking about one specific wife’s story and situation and what she is learning which may be very different from other wives’ situations and some things may be different from what other wives need to learn.
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I am so glad to see this post and all the comments, as well, as this has been a struggle in my life, too. First, I’m glad to see I’m not the only one! The testimonies of how God has helped others overcome are HUGE and such an encouragement!
“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony…” Revelation 12:11
I am still very much in process in this area of my life. For me, there are things from my past and from my marriage that have contributed to this, for sure. My dad was addicted to pornography and it tore my parent’s marriage apart (although they never divorced, their marriage was not whole and healthy). Along with that, from the very beginning of our marriage, there have been issues with “little white lies,” ogling other women, etc…
Jealousy is consuming. It takes over.
God is healing me, but I know there is a long way to go. A few things He has taught me in this process so far (I notice that a few of us have identical truths to share on this issue)…..
- Trusting in Him.
He will never leave or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). He is sovereign and in control and even if….even if the worst thing happened that we all fear….His grace is sufficient for us (2 Corinthians 12:9) AND, not only that, but He will work all things together for our good (Romans 8:28-29). Thankfully, this truth of His goodness and His sovereignty is something that seems to be planted deep within me and so I hang on to this tightly.
2. I have pride issues.
I have my own sin that is on the same level as my husband’s ogling of other women. For me, it is a battle in my mind of thinking of other Christian men as marriage partners (mostly pondering what it would be like to have emotional intimacy with a Christian husband). So, something that has helped me lately to control my anger when I think my husband has failed in this area is to remember that I have my own sin and struggles that I am still fighting. And I am a believer! (He is not, so for me to expect that he will see sin and righteousness like I do will doom me to disappointment time and time again).
3. I also have come to grips with the fact that many of the thoughts that I allow my mind to dwell on during these times of jealousy are not truth.
They are my own made-up “stories” that I am telling myself about what my husband is thinking or doing behind my back and then I choose to believe these are truth and begin to act upon them (by withdrawing, getting more jealous, etc.).
Another thing that has helped me is that my husband finally seemed to come to an understanding of what his behavior (looking at other women) has done to me.
This is actually a rather new development in the process and I don’t really now how it will play out in the future (i.e., does he really change or not?). I would encourage those who are dealing with this issue with their husbands to pray about talking to him and express how much it hurts. It may take several different conversations at different points for him to understand.
As April says, most husbands do not want to hurt their wife. My husband – even though he can’t understand the spiritual side of why looking at other women is wrong, perhaps — did seem to show genuine sadness when he finally understood how much it was hurting me. This requires being vulnerable with your feelings and saying things in a respectful way so he can hear you. It also ultimately requires God opening their eyes to see. He can do that – we can ask for it.
Ultimately, I know God has used/is using this issue in my life to get me to that place of being fully His – basically, the goal that is the whole point of April’s blog. Taking our eyes off of man and looking fully to Him as the only One who will ever totally satisfy us.
RELATED:
Fear Fuels Our “Need” to Control
“My Secret Idol” – (my husband’s salvation)
Why Do I Have to Change First?
I REALLY Want Him to Change, Too!
Are Women Morally and Spiritually Superior To Men?
Replacing the “Tapes” in My Head
Book Review – Through a Man’s Eyes by Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross about how men think and visual temptation
The Peaceful Wife 
April, seriously i think you are reading my mind. I was just thinking to write to you about if you could post articles on how to get over jealousy! 🙂 Most of your posts are about marriage but i would love to see more about just being a Godly peaceful WOMAN.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write these blogs. I am sure it takes a lot of energy and time. We all appreciate it!
Lots of love,
Antonija
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Antonija,
Here is a video I did this past week about contentment in general.
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This post disturbs me greatly. I have a husband who struggled with sexual sin and he has been sober for over two years. My husband had a pornography addiction from a young age and carried it into his first marriage, which was destroyed by it, and into ours where he ultimately had an affair and almost destroyed our marriage too. Fortunately, God directed us to recovery from sex addiction at Heart to Heart Counseling, one of the leading centers on sex addiction in the country. I was able to find healing and most of all realize that what he was doing was wrong and NOT my fault. This post disturbs me because it implies that what he is doing has something to do with her behavior and if she changes, he’ll change. That could not be further from the truth. She can never change his addiction with anything she does. He needs to get help and accountability immediately!!
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Sarah Tanner,
Thank you so much for bringing up your concerns. I put a note at the top of this post to try to clarify things a bit. This wife’s story did not involve her husband being addicted to porn, having an emotional affair, having a sex addiction, or having a sexual affair. It was – from what I can tell in the wife’s testimony – mostly an issue of her husband looking at other women. I don’t know exactly the extent of this issue.
If a husband is deeply involved in a porn addiction, that is an addiction exactly like a drug. If a husband won’t repent when his wife confronts him respectfully – YES, she may need to reach out for help. Lots of men need accountability and a godly man to help walk them through healing from a porn addiction.
I’m so thankful for the resources you and your husband found. That is awesome!
I don’t believe that this wife is saying that his ogling women is her fault. I don’t hear that in her words, but I haven’t been through what you have been through – and maybe it sounds that way from the filters you have from the scars you have experienced? I believe this wife is seeking to take responsibility for herself before God and trust God to work in her husband’s life, acknowledging that she is not responsible for his thoughts, sins, actions, and words.
There are many scenarios that can happen in marriages. This is one out of thousands. Sometimes wives are wrongly jealous when they really have no reason to be. Sometimes husbands do things that create lack of trust. Sometimes a husband is not trustworthy, but a wife can still become consumed by jealousy in a way that is destructive – even if she is right to be upset.
That is why I linked the post, Righteous Jealousy and Anger, to this post – because there is a time and place for righteous jealousy and anger. But then we do need to be careful where we go from there.
This wife did describe to her husband that his behavior was hurting her. I think that was important! He now seems to understand that and is sad about it – which is appropriate. My prayer is that he might work on not indulging in lust at all. But even more than that, my prayer is that he might come to Christ so that God can empower him to have victory over sin.
Husbands and wives are each responsible for their own sin. We can influence each other at times. We can put stumbling blocks in front of each other at times. But each of us will answer separately to God and none of us are justified in sinning against each other.
I didn’t see where he had an addiction to something. Perhaps you are seeing something I am not? I saw where this wife’s dad had a porn addiction. But the wife didn’t mention anything about an addiction with her husband.
I’m so sorry for the pain you have been through. I don’t intend to send the message you are hearing.
Is there a way I can make it more clear?
Much love to you!
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Hi, Sarah — I’m the wife who wrote the comment that was used in this post. I wanted to reassure you that April’s reply to you is pretty spot on to the dynamics of my personal situation.
I could go into a lot of detail about the specifics of this issue in our marriage, but it would take a LONG time. 🙂 I wanted to reassure you that I do not believe that his behavior at looking at other women is my fault at all. That is a very freeing place to be now because for years, I was consumed with trying to look a certain way for my husband out of fear and trying to keep his eyes on me. God used an incident that happened about four years ago to help me to see that no matter what I do or don’t do, the responsibility for this rests solely on my husband. As a matter of fact, it was during this time that God enabled me to see that I was accepting TOO much responsibility for the bad places in my marriage and I was allowing my husband to, at times, manipulate me with his words and attacks when I would bring up anything that was hurting me. Throughout this period of time, my husband did not want to face these issues and the pain it was causing me. It affected our relationship greatly. It was a very painful time for me – the healing has only just recently begun and I know there is a lot more healing to come. There have been huge temptations to shut down, disrespect, give up, you name it. Of course, I did all of those things at times, but God kept shedding more and more of His light into the situation and enabling me to see it from His point of view. I felt freedom from God to keep bringing this issue up in my marriage because it was important. Very important. For me, I knew that if I just accepted this as part of our marriage,I would eventually shut down entirely and our marriage would not be what I desired – and I knew my husband ultimately did not want a shut-down wife, either.
I don’t know where we would be right now if my husband hadn’t shown some sorrow or understanding of what his behavior was doing to me. I can only imagine the pain that some wives (and husbands) go through while sticking it out with a spouse who is in continued unrepentant sin. One thing I can say after going through this is that I have compassion for those who go through trials like this in their marriage– and mine was very minor compared to some stories I read.
I’m so glad that God has brought you and your husband through. I think it takes great courage for a wife (or husband) to be willing to risk a relationship for the greater good of seeing the other spouse set free from addiction and sin that causes such hurt in a marriage. I guess when I say “risk a relationship”, I mean that it’s possible that the other spouse will not ever own up to what they’ve done and might even walk away when being held accountable for what they’re doing. I think it’s very improbable that a relationship will come out stronger, though, if the hurt spouse hasn’t gone through some kind of heart renovation themselves where they are no longer looking at the situation just from a perspective of being wronged and hurt, but can see it from God’s point of view. And, that’s what God has done and is doing in me (definitely not fully there!). Ultimately, we have to believe that even these horribly painful times in our marriages are not random. We have to believe that God has a bigger plan and we can trust Him through the process. That we are saints who still sin, too, and that our sin isn’t any better than someone else’s. That we can cooperate with the Spirit of God and instead of fighting with weapons of the flesh, we can fight with spiritual weapons — while still speaking and perhaps having to draw strong boundaries in love, if necessary.
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Thank you so much for clarifying, Jennifer. I appreciate your response and willingness to reach out to our sister, Sarah. 🙂
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April,
I have been haveing these conversations with my husband lately too and its been eye opening. We’ve been talking about my struggle with dressing modestly because I no longer feel attractive since I started dressing modestly. I look pretty and feminine but NOT Sexy. So I get so jealous and upset when a woman is dressing sexy and he looks. He said it doesnt matter where you get your appetite as long as your eating at home.
That really hurt me and I asked him if other woman were giving him his sexual appetite then was he disappointed when he had to come home and have sex with me. Was he thinking about those other woman during sex with me? Was he wishing to have sex with those other woman? Wow. He got so shocked when he saw what his comment did to me. It spiraled my hurt out of control and I was sobbing.
I played a video for us to watch about how lusting others is a sin because you’re committing adultery in your heart. He was deeply convicted and reassured me I was the only one he wanted. He said it’s very hard to not look at other woman because their clothing is sooo tight you see everything and not much else is covered. He said he has to make a real effort to make himself not look and lately I have noticed when a scantily dressed woman walks into the store were at or at the gas station he will look at me or he will look in the opposite direction of her.
I’m grateful of how he is being so considerate of my feelings but I also have finally come to understand his intense struggle in this area and his effort he has to make to not give in to it. I feel bad for him. I had even started dressing sexier to try to keep his attention on me but I told him I was doing that and that I was going to stop because after seeing his struggle to not look at other woman I didnt want to be a cause for another man to lust after me. I will only dress sexy at home for him but when we go out I throw on a pretty maxi skirt.
He said he loves my maxi skirts and likes that I dress modest in public. Honest respectful communication is so important. I dont feel so jealous anymore. I know I could make men oogle me too but it feels degrading. Now I’m understanding that if my husband slips and looks, he is not respecting that woman in his heart. I have nothing to be jealous of. Im the one he loves AND respects. So glad you brought this topic up. It was a big issue for us the past few months.
Thanks April.
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Marie,
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I really appreciate especially the conversation you and your husband had. I don’t think a lot of husbands realize how hurtful it is to their wives if they look at women in a potentially lustful way. SO thankful that your husband was willing to listen to your feelings and your questions and realize the severity of lust and how destructive lust is in a marriage.
I’m also glad you are seeking to keep from causing other men to stumble and dressing in a modest way in public, but in a sexy way in private for your husband. That is awesome!
This is a TOUGH, TOUGH issue for so many women (and husbands). Thank you for sharing!!!!
Much love!
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I have a question how does your husband respond to you now. Is he less attracted to u in public
My husband likes short skirts . So I started wear them (more Jean an tee shirt person) so he will like me too.
I’m scared go back to dress modest like I become invisible again
Even thought getting plastic surgery make my boobs big I’m b cup my husband love d cup an bigger
Always makes comments on how small they are
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Sara,
I would love to invite you to search my home page for “modesty” and check out some of the posts about what men think about modesty. Dressing in a way that shows respect for God, yourself, your marriage, other men, and other women – isn’t about being invisible. It is about having personal dignity and respect and about not purposely seeking to put a stumbling block in the way of other men (and women) for whom visual temptation is an issue.
Dressing in a sexy way in private around your husband is a wonderful thing. But if your husband is encouraging you to flaunt your body in public- and you believe your worth comes from being noticed for revealing your body – maybe these are some things we can discuss together if you would like. 🙂
Much love to you!
The Goal Is Not to Be a Trophy Wife, Dear Sisters!
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Thank you for your reply
Yes my husband wants me to look sexy he’s the one that buys the skirts . I wear jeans most time or yoga pants an dress (which he says looks like a old lady I like 1950 dress dress that come to knee )
I was Virgin when I got married . My husband was not. He has told me that I’m bad at sex . An talks about other women he been with An what they done. I have tried I read books even went to class lol. But he just does not like having sex with me . He has ask if he can have sex with other women.
I was thinking of saying yes if that make him happy an he stays married to me . What ever works
Outside the bed room an not . He loves the way I cook an clean an take care of him . I just fail at pleasing him sexually an visually .
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Sara,
Oh my heart breaks over your situation, my precious girl! How long have y’all been married? Is he saying things like this often – talking about other women he has been with and asking if he can have sex with other women?
If you are interested, I would be glad to hash through some of these painful issues with you. I want to be sure I understand things correctly – so if you would like, maybe we can talk a bit more about what is going on?
Why do you believe it would be okay for him to have sex with other women?
Is the problem that you are failing him, or that he has a sin issue? There is a really big difference between the two things.
Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?
What do you want in your marriage?
What do you believe you need to be happy and content in life?
What are your greatest fears?
Did y’all have any counseling before marriage? I assume that he understood when he married you that once you were married, he would only be having sex with you?
Much love to you!
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Well I been Christian all my life but didn’t get serious about till I was 18. Dated my husband for 5 yrs . He is a pastor son. When we dated no signs at all that he had big issue with lust . He rarely checked out out other women. We went workshops, read books about marriage before we were married .
That’s why I think I faild him. He does not watch porn. Or look at playboy. Mmmm he didn’t start talk about other girls he had sex with (after we had sex 1st time) an then after 2 month that’s when he kept bring it up. We been married for 10 yrs
I pray all time to make myself better wife an for God to open my husband heart.
I just want my husband an I to be happy in all areas of marriage . This only issue an the fact he said he won’t have kids with me till I’m able to satisfy him (on 3 yr he had Vestiomy ) I really would like to have kids
To be honest I really don’t want to be alone an not look like a failure there is no divorce in my family most family been married 30 or more yrs
I don’t want him to have sex with other women. But I can’t make him happy. An I don’t want him to leave . I don’t know what to do I pray he reverse go counseling
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Sara,
I’m glad you want your husband to be happy. It’s great to want to bless him and to do things that he enjoys. But – there are limits. No we should not act out of selfishness or sinful motives. We shouldn’t purposely try to hurt them. We can bless our husbands and seek to honor and please them. That is a wonderful thing – but pleasing them at all costs, or trying to make them happy at all costs is not a godly thing. I hope that makes sense. We can go too far with people pleasing – including with our husbands. We can put the approval of a person above the approval of God. That is not okay. In fact, it is idolatry of another person.
The goal is, we seek to please God at all costs and to please Him no matter what – yes. But He is perfect and holy and He is God. He is worthy of our total submission and worship.
Husbands are not God. It is possible to make an idol of our husband where we want to please them more than anything else, even more than God, if we are honest.
So, while it is a very good thing to want to honor your husband and to do things he enjoys, there are limits -and those limits are definitely going to involve sinful things. Sin – by God’s definition – is off limits.
So, a wife might say, “Honey, I really want to do whatever I can to be pleasing to you. But I can’t condone sin. I can’t condone you or me having sex with someone else. That would be a violation of our marriage covenant.”
What does he say he needs in order to be satisfied? He had a vasectomy against your will? Why did he do that do you believe?
Would you please read this post and let me know what God speaks to your heart, my precious sister?
How is your walk with Christ?
Where is your security?
You would rather stay in a marriage where your husband has sex with other women than to be alone or look like a failure? Why do you believe that is? Upon what do you base your value and worth as a woman and a person?
Much love to you!
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All he wants is good sex he says intercourse with me just does nothing for him at all . I try new things he wants I’m not just laying there .
For the vasectomy . He just did an told me after . Said until I can make him happy sex wise no kids for me
An besides that he great spend time with me do hobbies . Pray together . He provides an helps around house .
The trophy article made me sad . But something I already knew. I pray so I just have to wait. An I will stop dress sexy an just return clothes my husband buys (or just wear in home)
One I believe marriage is forever unless being physically abuse ..
An failure because no one has been divorce in my family. I would not want my family or his know reason why we divorce an my dad once he hit age 50 been super negative.(I lived with my mom an dad till day I was married) He already that no guy would love me an said my husband end up leaving me . So I guess there ego to me trying work it out with my husband.
I think my walk with God is good but very clear I need to let go an give him all my issues instead worrying an worry praying
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Sara,
There are some red flags here, from what you are describing. If it is okay, I would like to try to better understand what is going on.
1. Have you ever been to see a godly counselor? Has he?
2. What did you say when he said he got a vasectomy without even talking with you about it?
3. Have you ever respectfully confronted him about any sin?
4. Has your husband ever apologized for any sin against you?
5. Has he ever apologized for getting a vasectomy?
6. What is his general personality?
7. What is your general personality?
8. Do you believe you are worthy of love?
9. Why does the trophy article make you sad, my dear sister?
10. Your dad told you that no guy would love you???
11. What was your parents’ marriage like?
12. How were you treated when you were growing up?
13. What was your husband’s parents’ marriage like?
14. Were either of you ever abused as children/teenagers?
15. Are there any mental health issues, addictions, or other serious sin issues going on for either of you?
16. Does he acknowledge that he was sinning against God and against you by having sex before marriage and that if he had not done that, perhaps he would be satisfied by sex in marriage now? And that this feeling of dissatisfaction may be a result of his sin more than a failure on your part?
Much love to you!
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I have also thought about getting breast implants. I’m a 34A and my husband loves big breasts. I always notice him looking at womens boobs especially if they are wearing a low cut shirt. I just get so insecure. I can’t even go to the beach or lake with him because I always think that he’s starring at other women.
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Brooke,
Has your husband said that he is dissatisfied with you? Has he pushed you to have surgery? Or is it more a matter of you are feeling insecure?
I am much smaller chested than you are – actually, I have to get my bras in the girls’ department, I don’t even have a cup size. So I do understand that there can be internal pressure on a woman to have a more “perfect body” in the eyes of society. Or that a wife may feel like she has to have a bigger chest in order for her husband to be attracted to her – we hear that message a lot. But is that message from God?
How is your walk with Christ going?
Here are a few posts that may be a blessing:
Being a Trophy Wife Is Not the Goal, My Dear Sisters
Roots of Insecurity
Finding Victory over Feelings of Insecurity
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I try to focus on my good qualities that I like about myself. Nobody can have everything everyone else has. I started growing my hair because it makes ME feel good and pretty. I want it LONG. I also started lifting weights and april 1st was one year and its lifted my saggy breasts up really nicely. I do these things for me. Not because Im worried my husband will lust other woman but because it makes me feel good to work towards something that makes me feel good about myself. Im not against breast implants, but thats not for me. I dont care if my husband looks at a womans big boobs anymore because Im so excited about my own body transformation right now and my self confidence has aroused my husbands interest in me. Work at loving your boobs and accepting they come in all shapes and sizes. They are lovely for men to look at. God made men admire womans bodies. That will never stop. Learn to admire your own body and your self confidence will grow leaps and bounds. Work on self improvement that makes you feel good about yourself. Never focus on your insecurities. Dismiss them immediently and get to work being the best YOU that you can be. HUGS
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Marie,
I like this approach. 🙂 thank you so much for sharing!
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My husband has never said that he’s dissatisfied with me. He doesn’t want me to get breast implants at all. I have struggled with feeling insecure about myself for a LONG time.
When I was teenager, my father constantly told me that I needed breast implants which just killed my self esteem. I also had a physical exam at the doctor’s office and my doctor commented about how I have absolutely no breasts. These events have just caused so much pain in my life. I have actually met with several plastic surgeons several years ago, but I decided that the surgery wasn’t worth it. I still think about it though.
My husband and I are both Christians and attend church regularly. Within the last year, I have been mediating on scriptures and praying every single day which has been helping me. It’s just a daily struggle.
Thank you for the posts that you linked. I’ll look over them.
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Brooke,
Perhaps the issue really isn’t the size of your breasts, or your husband’s ability to be attracted to you and satisfied with you – but maybe it is the “tapes” you have embraced as “truth” from when you were younger?
I am REALLY SORRY to hear that your dad made those kinds of comments to you, and that a doctor commented like that. 😦 As someone with a much smaller chest than you – I have received similar comments, but thankfully not from my dad! I know how much the ridiculing hurt me when guys said, “Oh my gosh! You guys are so flat!” to me and my identical twin sister when we were 12. I know how mortified I felt when the lady at Victoria’s Secret who weighed about 100 lbs more than I did measured me and said loudly, “Oh, GIRL! We don’t got NOTHING that would fit you here!” I know how I believed that no guy could ever be attracted to me because I didn’t have “real breasts” and I wasn’t “a real woman.”
When guys would be interested in me in middle or high school – I had a fixed belief in my head that it was impossible for them to like me because of my lack of womanliness – so I could not accept that they would really be interested in dating me or be attracted to me. I convinced myself that they just wanted to be my friends. This warped fixed belief made things difficult when guys really did like me because I could not accept any reality other than my own preprogrammed one.
The path to healing for your insecurities will be found in reading some of those posts, I believe. But also it will be in you taking a deep look at what you actually believe about yourself as a woman, as a creation of God, as a follower of Christ, as a wife… and trashing anything that is not of God. Then you can rebuild on His truth alone.
For me, it was helpful to journal my thoughts and feelings and to compare them to God’s Word and the truth.
That might like a bit like this in this case:
MY BELIEFS
– I am ugly
– I am not a “real woman”
– My breasts are too small
– No man could be attracted to me because the world says breasts have to be a certain cup size
– My husband isn’t really attracted to me because of my shape
– I only have worth as a woman if I have at least a size C bra cup (or whatever size)
– If something were to ever happen to my breasts I do have right now (cancer or something), I wouldn’t count as a woman because I am defined by my breasts as a woman. My value is in my chest size.
WHAT DOES GOD’S WORD SAY ABOUT ME?
– My Identity in Christ
– God says my value comes because He created me and I am created in His image (Genesis 1:27).
– God says I have value because I am fearfully and wonderfully made and my body is good (Psalms 137).
– Proverbs 5:18-20 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love. For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress And embrace the bosom of a foreigner? – Hmm, God actually puts the responsibility of being satisfied with a wife’s breasts on the husband, not on the wife. He doesn’t say that husbands should be satisfied with their wives’ breasts IF they are a certain size. There are no qualifications. That is interesting.
– God says I have value because I am in Christ and a joint-heir with Christ (Romans 6:6-8, Romans 8:17).
– God says my old life has gone, I am dead to sin, to this body, and to this world, and I have a new life in Christ. I am a new creation! (Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Cor. 5:17)
– God says that everything that belongs to Jesus belongs to me because I am in Him (My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. Col. 2:2-4)
– God says my body is His temple (Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? 1 Cor. 3:16)
WHAT DID I BASE MY BELIEFS ON? God’s truth or Satan’s lies?
– I based my beliefs about my attractiveness on my father’s comments (which were extremely inappropriate and hurtful) and on a doctor’s inappropriate and rude comments. Are these comments the source of truth? I actually do have breasts. They may be smaller than some women’s. But they are in the range of normal. I can be content with what I have. What my dad and doctor said have no authority over me and those comments have no place in my life. I can kick them to the curb. They are trash.
– I choose to allow God to help me see that Satan is the only one who wants me to base my worth, value, and security on the measurements of my chest. If I had a little more fat in my breasts, would I have more value as a person or as a woman or wife? No! Absolutely not. Satan set a snare for me and I have been trapped by him for years on this issue. Jesus has set me free from lies. This fixed belief system I have about myself was based on lies not on God’s Word and His truth. Not even on my husband’s opinions. I am free to reject the hurtful words I heard when I was younger and to embrace God’s truth and healing and to realize that I can have godly beauty and godly femininity that is so attractive to God and to my husband that no one can take away from me.
– Godly femininity is about having a gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear (I Peter 3:4-6). God can give me that kind of beauty. I can feel very feminine, womanly, and beautiful because God gave me beauty as His daughter. I receive the good things He has done for me and given to me and I receive His definition of femininity and beauty and reject the world’s lies.
Much love to you!
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Yes, I agree that it’s probably the lies that I have believed about myself when I was a teenager. I’m sorry about your incidents too. I’ve been to Victoria’s Secret and they suggested that I should buy a bra that had A LOT of padding in it. I just walked out of that place.
I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to respond to all of my comments. The comments are very helpful and your website is an excellent resource for me. I am going to start working on my insecurity issue a lot more. I have a nine month old daughter and a three year old son, and I know that if I have body issues or low self esteem, my daughter is very likely to have the same issues in the near future. I really like the idea of journaling my thoughts and comparing them to God’s word. I think that will be extremely helpful for me. Thanks again!
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Journaling your thoughts and compareing them to Gods word. WOW what a concept. This is like a DUH moment for me reading what you wrote. That would help me so much. I meditate on Gods word but it never occurred to me to actually pay attention to my own thoughts and see how they measure up to how Gods wants me to think. Renewing my mind cant happen if Im not aware of whats going on in my mind. SO glad Ive been following these posts.
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Marie,
I know! It makes total sense – seems like it should be obvious – but if someone doesn’t know to do this and doesn’t know how to examine her motives or how to invite God to transform and renew her mind, it may not have ever occurred to a person to do this.
Let me know how God blesses you and helps you grow as you begin to practice this, my sweet sister. 🙂
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Brooke,
My friend’s husband said something to me about 9 years ago that really struck me. My friend and I were talking about padded bras or something for some reason – and he was in the room. He piped up and said, “Isn’t a padded bra a lie?”
Hmmm.
It was hard for me to argue with that logic and his comment has stuck with me ever since. I actually stopped wearing padded bras after that. Now I am content with the $6 bras from the little girls’ section in Wal-Mart. I had to think about why do I think I need to look bigger than I am? What are my motives? Am I trying to attract other guys? No. Do I need all of this fake stuff? Nope. I really don’t. It was kind of liberating for me. 🙂
I began to study godly femininity when my daughter was 2 years old. I realized, I am modeling femininity for her. Femininity in general – and godly femininity, specifically. What messages do I want to send about femininity to my precious girl? What messages do I want to send her about my body image and security in my skin? What messages do I want her to copy from me about a healthy view of my body and being a woman? it is important that we think through this. A lot of girls do pick up very destructive mindsets from their moms – that can become addictions to anorexia or bulemia or other food or exercise addictions, or just a general self-loathing and hatred, or an addiction to cosmetic surgery. External (and fake) beauty is such an idol in our culture. But it is not the thing that God values most.
Much love to you!
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Brooke,
Here is another post I remembered I wrote for our single sisters, but it applies to us, too. 🙂
I Don’t Have to Be the Most Beautiful Girl in the Room
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Brooke,
Oh! I was just thinking about this issue some more – and wanted to also share that I believe it is wise not to read worldly magazines and articles that promote the idea that a woman’s worth is based on her physical beauty. It’s fine to take good care of yourself, to exercise a reasonable amount, to dress in a way that shows honor and respect for yourself, and to look your best. But it is important to ask yourself about your motives.
– Am I thankful for the body God gave me?
– What are the good things about this body that I can appreciate?
– How can I show appreciation to my husband for his attraction to me?
– Am I willing to be content with what I have? Godliness with contentment is great gain – according to Scripture.
– Am I building my sense of worth on the size and shape of my body parts or on my physical appearance instead of on what Jesus has done for me and His power transforming my character to be more and more like Him?
Much love!
April
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I completely agree. I use to feel awful about myself after I read several fitness magazines. I work out a lot and I’m very fit, but I still felt inadequate. I just don’t read worldly magazines or articles anymore. Sometimes it is hard to avoid the magazines because they are right next to the cash register at a lot of the grocery stores. Thankfully, they don’t have any of that stuff at Trader Joe’s or Aldi!
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Thanks! I loved it!
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Brooke,
So maybe your husband actually loves you and is happy with your body?
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Brooke, I’m the same size as you. I have battled with insecurity about my breast size much of my life, and when I was single I got breast implants for a year. It was disobedience to God and one of the hardest times and biggest regrets of my life. After having my breast implants removed, God brought a lot of healing to me from His Word, one of the bible verses that can help is “you are so beautiful my beloved so perfect in every part” – song of songs 4:7. And “you are fearfully and wonderfully made” in Psalm 139. I felt so loved by God and enjoyed how he made me so much. Sometimes I still need reminders.
My husband offered this from a man’s point of view:
– lust is never satisfied
– We should have a heart of thankfulness and contentment
– A husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and Christ willingly chose to be nailed to a cross for us.
Praying for you and healing and Truth of God to cover your family. Also praying for you to find your security in Christ and God’s Word. You are so loved and so beautiful the way you were made and God has a good plan for your life. April had wise insight when she asked, “how is your walk with the Lord?”.
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Thanks for sharing your experience, Amber! And your husband’s experience and insights, too, now that you have both healed so much in this area.
I know it can be tempting to think that surgery may fix things – but – from my perspective – that doesn’t seem to be true.
I do believe that God can help us as wives (and help husbands, too) to be content with what we have without surgery. 🙂
Much love!
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Thanks Amber! I also appreciate your insight. I have visited several plastic surgeons in the past and my mom actually went with me. She said she would pay for the surgery, but she decided against it last minute. Honestly, I know that the surgery won’t solve all of my problems and make me feel better about myself. I am a perfectionist, so I will find something else that is wrong with me. I know that I need to meditate on scriptures about what God says about me and not focus on the world’s standards.
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The Real Motives Behind Perfectionism and People Pleasing
Overcoming Perfectionism
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Brooke, I’m so glad the Lord closed the door for your getting implants. You are wonderfully made by your Maker. 🙂 I am a recovering perfectionist, so I can relate. April’s responses are filled with God’s wisdom, also her video on “overcoming Perfectionism” is very helpful. I watched earlier today. 🙂 May the Lord bless you, Sister.
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Brooke,
From another wife who wants to post anonymously:
My husband has wandering eyes as well (and I have the same size as Brooke). First of all, I don’t think getting breast implants will stop your husband from looking at other women. I have come to accept that I can’t control what my husband does or what other women wear. I can control what I can do. First, what has helped me in dealing with this is knowing my identity in Christ. I know it sounds so cliche but like I said, we can’t control our husbands or what other women do so we can focus on what WE do.
My husband isn’t a Christian, so I can’t tell him what God has to say about wandering eyes (Matthew 5:29, 18:9). If your husband is a Christian, I would most definitely call him out on it and remind him about what the Bible says. If it continues, I’d speak to someone in your church (maybe your pastor) about it. This is the Biblical “protocol” when dealing with sin or offense.
As for me, I don’t have those options so I can either lash out on the spot causing a scene right then and there, or let my husband know that it bothers me in private. I choose the latter although it doesn’t really do anything. I also sometimes walk away quietly to let him know it is bothering me. It might stop him at that moment, but it doesn’t stop him from doing it again another time.
Another thing I do is pray so that I don’t release “hateful, verbal diarrhea” on him. 1 Peter 5:7 says to cast your cares to the Lord, so I cast my cares about this annoying and insulting habit that my husband has.
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I agree that I don’t think getting breast implants would stop him from looking at other women.
When I notice my husband looking at other women, I definitely confront him about it, but then he denies it. Then I will just attack him and I’ll argue all day. It’s pretty exhausting, so I just try to avoid going to the lake, beach, water park, etc. I got into a big fight with him about it during our honeymoon in Hawaii. Honestly, I’m not 100 percent sure that he was checking everyone out, but I confronted him anyway. I pretty much destroyed our honeymoon due to my insecurity.
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Brooke,
Some of the posts I shared talk about how to handle this, but I have some other posts that are about this subject as well. Let me know if you would like them, too.
You don’t have to destroy time with your husband over this issue. It is fixable! You don’t have to be insecure in your body anymore. There is healing available in Christ.
Much love to you!
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Brooke
As I began to study godly femininity, I began to feel feminine for the first time in my life. I had never felt very girly or feminine or beautiful before. But as I studied God’s design, it was such a joy to discover that I am beautiful in His sight and that I can feel feminine in the most wonderful ways, even if my body doesn’t change. My femininity radiates from the depths of my soul and character. It is a gift to me from God that no one can take away.
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From another wife anonymously:
Ok, my sweet sister. I am a 36DDD and my husband is a breast guy, too. On our honeymoon, he ogled other women…at Disney! I was very upset, but he has remained faithful to me. It’s been 19 years. Surgery will not make a difference. I would be more concerned about your thoughts of trying to achieve perfection…and never getting there. After the pain, risk, changes, will you ever be satisfied with who you are and whom you are? Please stop looking to humans for approval. They will fail you because they are all sinners, including ourselves. Look to God for your approval. Live a life that honors God and shows your thankfulness for all He has done for us. Died for our sins etc. Your beauty is on the inside. Your husband sees that. The rest is sprinkles. Much love.
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Please stop looking to humans for approval. They will fail you because they are all sinners, including ourselves. Look to God for your approval.
Well said…Im posting this on my bathroom mirror 🙂
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I read your post again today and it made me sad. I keep thinking about it. How us woman can feel so insecure about our bodies because of what the Media portrays as being attractive. Also the insecurities that rise up in us when we see our husband admiring another woman’s body parts.
There were a few times I remember my husband doing that and I started to cry right then and there because I felt so hurt that he was lusting another girl. I told him I feel like ‘Im not good enough for him when he does that. And that it really hurts me. He felt bad but continued to stare at other woman and again I’d cry right then and there. It happened 3 times until he stopped doing it. He said he feels so bad to see me cry and that he wants me to feel as loved by him as he feels by me. Now when a really pretty girl walks by he turns his head the other way. He said it’s really hard cause everything in him wants to look at what they are showing off but he doesnt want to hurt me anymore.
God I love this man!! His tenderness to my tears had drastically improved our marriage in so many ways. He’s more thoughtful now. Sometimes our words are not enough or can even be too much. Guys don’t process emotional language the way woman do. But my quiet tears running down my cheeks came through loud and clear for him and touched his heart. He didn’t feel judged or attacked. He felt compassion.
Ladies, don’t be afraid to show the hurt in your hearts. You don’t need words to try to convey it. Let your true feelings flow from your soul in the natural way God has given to you. Your tears will speak volumnes and if nothing else you will feel cleansed of your inner pain and God will honor your vulnerabilities and soothe you. If your husband has any compassion or tenderness in him he will wake up and realize he is breaking your heart.
Marriage is exclusive because intimacy is a very vunerable thing. Some guys just don’t understand this. And just for the record…I sometimes can’t help but stare at a pretty girl. Im not a lesbian at all – its just nice to admire someone’s attractiveness. It’s very pleasant to look at. I stare at woman with real long healthy hair. I can’t help it I just love how it looks. So pretty and flowing and healthy.
I’m trying to grow my hair long now. Well, boobs are pretty to men. They are soft and feminine and womanly and men will never have them. If yours are really small then he’s probably going to look at other girls. Just hopefully he will understand by your deep hurt not to do it in front of you. But please don’t let that make you feel insecure about yourself. He married you so you obviously have more of the important qualities he is looking for. Who knows, maybe he will stop doing it altogether.
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Marie,
You know, I think there is a lot of wisdom in just sharing our feelings of being hurt – even without words. That can speak volumes to men.
God did create men to be visual (some women are also very visual). Even men whose wives are curvy can be tempted visually with other women – but thankfully, in Christ, He can also empower them to overcome temptations to lust – and not only when their wives are with them, but all the time in order to honor God. (Resources for men http://www.xxxchurch.org, and Every Man’s Battle)
Sometimes people do just look at someone in an admiring way, not a sexual way. So we need to be careful about assuming our husbands are lusting if they just see or notice a woman. Ogling and lusting is another thing – God hates sin, even sin that happens in our thoughts – whether it is lust, pride, self-righteousness, unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, greed, idolatry, or anything else. Any sin, even in our thoughts, is destructive. My prayer is for us to humbly approach each other as husbands and wives and walk this road together, helping one another and seeking to become the women and men God calls us to be as we work together as a team.
Thanks for sharing, Marie!
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I like what you said about not assuming our husbands are lusting after a woman when he is merely admiring something he finds attractive or pleasant to look at. We all stare at people or things we find pleasant to behold. I stare at long hair on woman (or men). I stare at those expensive sewing machines, at flowers, at men who have big muscle shoulders, at babies, at nicely landscaped yards. It doesnt mean I’m lusting or coveting after any of it. Its just pleasant to look at.
I try not to let my husband see me looking at a guys big shoulders LOL but he has caught me. It’s attractive to me. Even though my husband doesn’t have big shoulders, I’d never leave him for a pair of big shoulders. I think the same is true of guys. They’re not going to leave the woman they love over a pair of large breasts walking by, they just admire beauty. Beauty is all around us in many ways.
Be secure with yourself and the see the beauty in yourself and the beauty around you won’t shake up your insecuritites. I don’t think I would cry now if my husband stared at a pretty girl. I feel really good about myself now and have worked hard at my insecurities. Who knows. Maybe I would cry though. I haven’t seen him do it in quite a while so I’m not over sensitive to it now… I want him all to myself and that’s understandable but it’s just a tad unrealistic living in a beautiful world. There are some gorgeous people out there and its sadistic to compare myself to them.
I love me. Hubby loves me. And the rest is just eye candy. Whatcha gonna do? Rip his eyes out LOL? There is beauty in everyone and appaarantly he noticed yours and it was enough to make him stay.
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I’m just excited to be receiving this post, as I have not been receiving Peacefulwife’s posts. Will they come from Word Press now?
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Rose
I’m not sure why you stopped receiving these, but I am glad you are getting them again! 🙂
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Every word of this is so true! Number 2 struck me at the core. I now see that I am sinning when I compare my husband to other Christian men….just as he sins when he ogles….wow….that had never even crossed my mind! It’s so easy to see now. Very helpful and insightful. I have learned to listen to others’ stories because they minister to me and my situation and this is a perfect example of that. Lord, thank you for this timely revelation!
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Heidi,
Lots of women think that this is no big deal – to fantasize what it would be like to have a deep emotional and spiritual connection to a godly Christian man – who is not our husband. But this is temptation, too – and it can be very destructive. It leads to discontentment, lust, adultery, envy, self-righteousness (over our husband), pride, and disrespect for our own husbands. Honestly, even a Christian woman reading romantic fiction – even rated G stuff – can also be a problem. If we are altering our expectations to match a fictional male lead in a book or movie and we become discontent with our real life husband or we may even have an emotional affair with a fictional guy.
So glad this was helpful!
Much love!
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Some sins are very obvious, such as the ogling mentioned in the post. Some sins are hidden sins of the heart only. The difficulty with most people (men and women both), is that we seem to treat the visible sins differently than the hidden.
I think this comes from a misunderstanding of what sin is. We tend to think of a hidden sin as a sin that we are pondering, but are not acting on, so many people see it as “Sin Lite” (tastes great, less convicting). This is in contrast to the visible sins, which seem to be more “manifested”, so to speak.
As a person grows in the Lord, we begin to see how complex and insidious our sin nature really is. And despite the Bible’s words, we often want to compare sins, and decide how “bad” our sin is in comparison to others. This is a normal human thought process, just as we compare other people’s success, wealth, attractiveness, intelligence, and so forth.
The danger in this is that we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions, but others by their actions. Maybe I only “fantasized” about cheating, but some other person actually did cheat on their spouse. Whose sin is “worse”? Trick question – because we are not to judge this way.
Now, we can possibly see that the OUTCOME of actual cheating is more visible and possibly creates more OBVIOUS harm, but we really cannot measure the damaging effects of the hidden sin.
We could try to argue that actual cheating is far worse than thoughts, but perhaps the thought life of having long term fantasies about being with another person may simply create damage that is less noticeable.
All sin leads to destruction and separation from God. Debating the severity of types of sin is like arguing about how much poison to swallow. In the end, it does not matter.
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Jack,
So true!
The sins of some are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them. 1 Timothy 5:24
I agree, we misunderstand the severity of sin so many times. All sin separates us from God. All sin costs Jesus His life and His blood on the cross. All sin leads to death. Also, sin is progressive. Lust turns into adultery. Fantasy can also turn into lust and/or into adultery. But even if lust and fantasy never materialize into a full blown affair – there are consequences of sin, even in our thoughts, in our walk with Christ and in our relationships with our husband and our ability to respect them and to be the godly wives God calls us to be (same would be true for any sin in the thought life of any believer – it would entangle us and keep us from running the race God calls us to run).
We do have a tendency to judge ourselves on a totally different scale than we judge others – giving much more leniency to our particular sins as “not being as bad” as others. Such a dangerous practice! It blinds us to the seriousness of our sin in God’s holy eyes.
Thank you so much for sharing, our brother!
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This post today was so helpful. It helped me to realize that I have a real problem trusting God. I also have the problem of wanting to see all phone text and email messages because of issues in my husbands’ and my past. Because I am in the peri menopause stage our struggles are so much harder now than before. I do see the Lord helping us even though I have a problem trusting Him, one of many things the Lord showed me was that we have a very real enemy that hates our marriage and as he slandered God to Eve he also slanders my husband to me and slanders me to my husband. Things like he exited that fast you need to check that . and then the anxiety grows and it is so destructive and the progress we made throws us back to having to rebuild all over again , and it’s harder and takes longer this time . We are to dwell on good things ,Philippines 4:8 not the little bits of slander dropped into our minds by our and our husband’s enemy. I still have a long way to go myself. Again thank you for this post.:)
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Sashamari,
I’m so glad this was a blessing to you. 🙂 When God first opened my eyes on this journey, He showed me something similar – that I really didn’t trust Him. I really didn’t have much faith in Him. I trusted myself primarily.
Peri-menopause, PMS, pregnancy, and hormonal issues do present much greater challenges, to be sure. I have some posts that may be helpful about these kinds of issues here.
– we are responsible for ourselves emotionally
– we are responsible for ourselves spiritually
– spouses are not responsible for each other’s happiness.
– idol of happiness.
– How to Make Your Husband an Idol.
– My Demon (a post about how the enemy slanders our husbands to us and we take the bait and become Satan’s ally in our own marriages)
You may also find that some vitamins or supplements may be helpful – as well as good nutrition. You may also want to talk to a trusted doctor or holistic doctor.
Much love to you! Let me know how you are doing. 🙂 I pray for God’s continued work and healing in your life and in your marriage!
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Hello,
I’m sorry that this does not pertain to the subject of this post but I am desperate for a prayer request or prayer group. I’m 19 weeks pregnant and my son has been diagnosed with a congenital heart defect. Please help me pray for complete healing so he will not have to undergo surgery.
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You have my prayers and my husband’s and we will add you to our prayer list at Church and online. May the Lord heal the baby growing in the womb. May the Lord’s hands weave all parts perfectly in Jesus’ Name! No surgery, but a healed heart, Father!
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S,
Congratulations on your pregnancy! But I am so sorry to hear about this diagnosis. 😦
Lord,
We lift up S and her precious baby to Your throne room in the highest heaven. You are the Great Physician. We trust this sweet baby boy to Your loving, sovereign hands. We pray for complete healing for his heart that he might not have to undergo surgery according to Your will and Your greatest glory in his life.
In the Name and power of Christ,
Amen!
Much love to you!!!!
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Hi April,
This comes at a time of real struggle almost torment.
My mind is consumed 24-7 of the same fear. I can’t even enjoy my time with my teenage children because I am so obessed. I have been married over 20 years. We were not believers when we first got married. I found out couple of month after marriage that he was addicted to porn. After we were saved, we got counseling. He says he doesn’t use porn anymore. But he does work at a store where mostly women shop and work, and tells me he continues to lust.
My father was unfaithful many times and my mom taught me to be a detective when i was young. We would look for him at bars (and find him dancing with other women). Look for lipstick on his shirt and perfume smells. Check phone and pockets. I was about 9 or 10. Then they finally divorced. I have also seen ex-boyfriend in bed with ex-girlfreind. My saved son has had an affair. And when I was not saved before i was married – I, too, slept with my best friend’s husband. It makes me sick to even type this. (she was also an adulteress, had more boyfriends than I).
So this seems to be all i have ever know in men, and i guess the fact that i could of even done this once. I have check his phone, email, make sure i am home when he is. There have been some things in the past that make suspect he is perhaps using dating sites, maybe just to look, or chat rooms. So, my thinking is if i don’t check on him to see if its true am i being in denial. It’s almost like if i do check and find nothing then it gives me some comfort. I need freedom and have tried everything to no avail. I know only God can free me. I need prayer and also advice.
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tormented,
Goodness, such a painful history you have – first with your father and your parents’ marriage, and with the porn addiction in your marriage and your husband’s struggle with lust. I appreciate you taking responsibility for your own sin and acknowledging your own adultery and how much it grieves your heart now.
If you are interested, I would be glad to hash through some things with you. 🙂 It would help for me to better understand what is happening if you might be willing to answer some questions for me. 🙂
Do you struggle with visual temptation and lust?
What is your understanding of how some men struggle with lust?
What is your expectation of your husband? Do you expect him to be completely sin free in his thoughts?
What do you believe you need to feel safe and secure?
How is your walk with Christ going?
What you are describing is an addiction that you have – the not finding anything is a “hit” just like an addict gets a rush of dopamine when they use drugs, you get a rush of dopamine when you search and find nothing going on on your husband’s online history. But – I guess it could be helpful to ask yourself things like…
1. Is it my job to control my husband’s thoughts?
2. Where do my responsibilities for my husband end?
3. What am I actually responsible for to God? My thoughts or my husband’s thoughts? My actions or his actions?
4. What kind of wife does God want me to be? Is there anything in me He wants to change?
5. Am I walking in the power of God’s Spirit or am I trusting self?
6. What do I want in my marriage?
7. What do I want in my walk with Christ?
8. Am I cherishing any sin in my heart that is keeping me ensnared by the enemy?
Much love to you!
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April,
I can’t tell you how your words of a desire to help mean to me. A ray of hope, you see because of my history I have studied and read many marriage books, We have been to a few marriage conferences when we were first married, and in the past five or six years I have hosted a women bible study in my home and have taught on marriage. The Lord has used me to teach about respect and submission and has changed many marriages. So I find it ironic that I can’t myself be free from the fear of what happened to my mom and us children. Wow! I have never heard of that being an addition, but I can totally see how it compares. I have recently thought maybe it could be ptsd. There is so much more I could tell you about my childhood and past. Painful.
Answers to questions.
1. No struggle with lust.
2.I have read Shantis book (not her latest) and that was helpful. I think men can be free, but my husband say he doesn’t believe they can’t. Yes, I think the are drawn to lust but can have victory and not give in.
3.My thoughts and actions. (but then I think what about us exposing sin or keeping each other accountable.
4. My expectation of my husband is to be faithful to me in body and mind. No, I know I can’t expect him to be perfect in this area.
5. had to think on this one. I don’t know. Is there really anything to feel safe with anyone. I used to think a godly man would never do this, but I have been proven wrong (Josh Duggar). Right know i know 2 couples who professed to be christians divorcing and have also experienced the same in the past. Also I think one of the biggest struggles and perhaps the reason for this is how does God fit in with this. You see we too believe in a sovereign God, but everytime i have heard people they never say anything about his soverenity about divorce. And then all the marriage books that teach if you are a certain kind of wife your marriage will change. Who’s hands am I in, His or mine.
6. I love God, but i do struggle with trusting. Not sure if that stems from my own experience with men, or with the fact that I know that other christian marriages have ended. I know I have made this an idol and beg and cry out to God to free me.
Thank you so much April, I finally like God has provided someone to help me walk through the lies of Satan. I haven’t shared too much with other as I don’t want to disrespect my husband or feel like a crazy person.
I too am thankful that I am not alone but sad and pray for all of us to be free. Lord help us! Let me know if you want me to also send you the answers to the bottom questions. I can later or tomorrow, getting ready for church..
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Tormented,
Thank you for this!
I believe that husbands will never be free of temptation – but that in Christ He can give them victory over lust. They don’t have to be slaves to sin anymore. That is what Romans 6-8 is all about! 🙂 None of us will be perfect until we are in heaven, but Jesus is plenty able to give us His power to have victory over sin as we abide in Him and are filled with His Spirit. SO thankful for that!
God is sovereign and we have free will. God doesn’t force us to obey Him. A husband or wife can choose to divorce even if it is against God’s will. But the spouse who was abandoned is still in the sovereign hands of God. Just like Joseph’s brothers in the Old Testament intended evil and sinned against him greatly by selling him into slavery – but then God used their sin and evil intentions to accomplish His purposes and His glory – using it to save many from famine. The people who crucified Christ acted out of their free will and were certainly sinning against Jesus and God by killing Him – but God used that to accomplish His purposes and His glory and to save many people.
A husband might divorce his wife – but that doesn’t mean that the wife is not in God’s hands anymore. God may be grieved at a divorce, but life is not over and God is not through with the victim in a divorce. God can bring great good from it for His glory. Believers are promised that God will use all things for our ultimate good and His glory – good and bad things (Romans 8:28-29).
Ultimately, we are only truly safe with God. He is the only One who will never fail us or sin against us. But that doesn’t mean He will always give us everything we want at the moment. Does that make sense?
Would you consider watching David Platt’s sermon “Who Is God?” to study a bit more about God’s character? (You may search for it on Youtube)
A book that would be helpful is Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.
You can send the other answers whenever you have time. No rush!
Much love to you!
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Hi Arpil,
I wanted to talk to you a bit more about what you said regarding my anxiety and then after checking on husband the sense of calm. Calling it an addiction. How would you go about becoming free or breaking the addiction. What do you think about ptsd. You see when I was a little girl my father was an alocohic, verbally and physically abusive, and an adulter. My mother said what finally lead her to divorce my father, was that a dr. told her that it was affecting me. She said I would just stare into space and cry. I guess it was kinda a protective response. I haven’t really looked into ptsd to see if that is what is happing. Also the fact that there have been some indictions that my husband is not telling the truth. But anytime I ask him about something he denies it. Not sure if its true or not.
I have already started watching Who IS God? I think I watched some of it a while ago. Also I did a study on Nancys book a long time ago, but will defiantly go through it again.
Now, I don’t mean to come across as being disrespectful or challenging but would like to ask your opinion on some thoughts. We are reading through the bible are are exactly in the area of Joseph. in Gen 45:4-9. Joseph declares that it was God who planned this. That it was God who sent him to Egypt and made him Lord. He says that three times. The dream also predicts that they would bow down to Joseph indicating that this would happen through Gods direction and power. What I hear you saying is that God gave them free will to either sell Joseph or not. That they could of done something different than what God had already planned from before time they would be the cause of his going to Egypt and becoming a great leader. That perhaps if they chose not to do what they did God would of gotten him to Egypt another way. Also regarding Jesus’ crusifiction, God planned this since the before the beginning of time to happen exactly as it took place as it is prophesied. He was even pleased that he crushed Jesus for our sakes. Are not the days of our lives already set out for us. I don’t think anything happens part from His will. The bible says he caused good and evil. It is He who brings all things to pass. Our will can only go as far as He wants it to, therefore to me we are never free to do anything that he has not already willed. I know this is deep stuff and controversial, but as I read my bible I see Gods complete sovereignty all over the place. God puts it into mens mind to start wars, to resist him as Pharaoh
He directs the Kings heart. Keeps one of the Kings from sinning against him with Sarah. I guess it gives me comfort to believe that God planned everything that I have yet lived through even the evil. That He didn’t just say well lets see what you and other choose to do and i’ll work with that after the fact to bring something good from it. I want to believe that everything that happens can only happen because He has planned it beforehand. Therefore I can rest in the fact that it is Him and his will and plan and not left us to me or other how my life turns out. Hope that makes sense.
Thanks again April for taking the time to read and pray and respond. I am praying for God to give you some insight for me.
Here are the rest of the answers to the questions.
1. No it is not my job, it is the holy sprit’s job.
2. Not sure where they end. Again how far do we go with exposing sin and accountability?
3.My thoughts and actions. But I guess i feel if there is something in his life that is not according to gods standards and i do nothing or say nothing will i be sinning?
4. God wants me to be a submissive, respective, loving wife. Yes, I would say he wants me to trust him more.
5.Thats a hard one to know, I think I am trusting, walking in the Spirt, but how do you really know?
6.I want honestly.
7. I want to know that no matter what happens it is He who is directing, causing and leading my life. That theres nothing i can or anyone else can do apart from his will and plan. That I can’t do something other that what he has already planned.
8.I’m sure there is sin, like control, lack of trust, idol of marriage. I am begging God to free me from these things. And perhaps this is just what He is doing and using you!:-)
Grateful for you and your ministry!
Love
tormented. .
p.s. actually doing a bit better knowing I can talk with some about this.
I have a prayer request also, there is a conference coming up that i should go to but that would leave my husband alone at home for hours. That causes fear that he would use the time and home to sin. Not sure what to do.
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Tormented,
You are carrying tremendous scars and wounds from your childhood. 😦 SOOO heartbreaking! I’m sure PTSD is possible – anyone who experienced that level of betrayal from his/her father and that kind of insecurity and lack of trust and love from a father would have serious spiritual and emotional wounds. Children learn who God is by understanding their father, usually. This greatly impacts your ability to understand God’s character. It will be important for you to hash through things and realize that God is not at all like your earthly father. When you think of God as “Father” it might not be a comfort, because of your ideas of father. I pray you will get to know God’s true character and trustworthiness so that you can find healing in Him. 🙂
God IS sovereign. Yes. And He is outside of space and time – which is kind of mind boggling. And He holds people accountable for our own choices and sin/obedience. Some people think that either God is sovereign and we are robots or we have free will and God is a wimp. But God is sovereign AND we have free will. There are tons of passages about both concepts. They are both true.
If Joseph’s brothers had not sinned against him, God could certainly have gotten Joseph to Egypt in another way. Of course, God did know that they would sin against him in this way, and He used their evil to accomplish His purposes. He even is able to use demons to accomplish His purposes. Nothing is beyond the power of God.
Yes, God’s sovereignty gives us great peace, because we know that no one can take us out of His hands or out of His plan or can thwart His purposes in our lives. He will take all that happens around us and to us and use it all for our ultimate good and His ultimate glory.
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Tormented,
Let’s find a new name for you that describes the hope you have and the healing God is going to do for you. 🙂 What new, beautiful name would you like to use?
Have you ever had any spiritual counseling or mentoring to help you – or even secular counseling – to help you heal from your childhood experiences and trauma?
2. Please check out “Control and Boundaries” and “Healthy VS Unhealthy Relationships” and see if God might help you see where your responsibilities begin and end.
3. Yes, we may need to gently, respectfully confront our husband’s sin. But we are not responsible to make him stop sinning. Does that make sense? He is responsible for his decisions, his thoughts, his words, and his actions.
4. What does submissive and respectful mean to you at this point, my dear sister?
5. Here is a post about this, “How Can I Tell if I Am Walking in My Own Strength or in the Holy Spirit’s Power?”
6. How do you communicate to your husband that you would appreciate honesty? How does he respond?
7. God IS directing your life and calling you to come closer to Himself. 🙂 How did you come to Christ? How do you believe you are made right with God?
8. I’m glad you want to be free from all sin. That is awesome! If you need more info on these things, you can search “control” “trust” “idol” on my home page. I believe God has brought you here to find healing in Christ. “)
So glad you are feeling a bit better. I want to see you spiritually stabilized and filled to overflowing with God’s love, receiving His love and promises and healing!
Do you believe God desires you to go to the conference?
Much love to you!
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Good morning April,
Yes, a new name is indeed in order, and the Lord gave me a new name. It is Faith. I couldn’t think of one so I asked the Lord to give me one, then all of a sudden I saw Faith, Hope and Love all over my house in pictures, and other things I own. Even in the news I saw the word faith jump out from other words. So I believe this is what the Lord has given and will give me. Faith. Isn’t it a beautiful name. Kinda wish it was really my name. 🙂 Perhaps someday one of my future grandchildren will be given this name.
I did read control and boundaries and wow, this totally sounds like me. You see I am the oldest child and very responsible. I was put in a mothering position my whole life as my mother was often times depressed (as you could imagine). Even as adults am still made to feel guilty and take the place of her. As far as trying to control my environment and self in order to control the outcome, I believed I could. As a child I would make sure everything would be perfect in our home before my father came home so he would have no reason to be angry or fight with my mom. If they went out and I knew my father would be drinking I would hide anything around the house that i thought he could use to hit or hurt my mother. I guess I still believe that I have that same control, i.e… if I could be the perfect wife my husband would never leave me. So much work, and I am so tired… Yes, I have received counseling some secular (adult children of alcoholics) when I was in my early 20’s which did help. Then some christian counseling when I first got married.
I have told my husband that I want to be honest and he says he is. That’s about as far as it goes. Not much else to say after that.
Not sure if I came to Christ as a child or after I was married. You see there was a time when my parents were still married that a friend invited us to a small bible study, that was the first time we had ever read the bible., we were raised catholics. This was a non-denominaiton bible study. It was at this time that my father actually changed. He stopped drinking, we went to church and my mother would write music for us children to sing. We were reading our bibles. I loved my first stick figure good-news bible. Especially 1 Corth. 13. I read that over and over. I remember speaking in tongues. (not sure where I stand with that now) But you see after being in that church a while one day the pastor said his wife was leaving him for another woman, yes you read that right, another woman! Well… thats all my dad needed to hear! I don’t think we ever went back and my dad started drinking and things just got worse. From that time till I was married I continued to pray and sometimes read my bible, got involved with Jehovah witness for a while. I wanted so bad what we had then but didn’t know how or where to find it. It was after I was married that a friend invited me to a bible believing church that I rededicated my life to to God. So whether I was actually born again as a child or as an adult I’m not sure. I believe that Jesus had paid for my sins and has chosen my to be one of his children. It is a free gift.
Submissive means that I obey my husband in everything unless he is calling me to sin. Respect means that I treat him with honor.
Thanks again Arpil for walking with me in this. You are a blessing to more women than you know. I know a lot of ladies in my study who read your blog, and I have been reading it for many years.
So heres a question. What are you supposed to do when something happens that causes you to be suspicious? Do ignore it or check up. It could be things like him calling to see where you are what time your going somewhere ect.. (you see there was a woman in our study that her husband was having an affair and he would do the same thing with her and his brother, see where they were so that he would avoid the area so not be be seen. I hate that I think that every time. But, if I think that and do nothing to see if its true i feel like i’m deceiving myself. Or if he comes home and has a guilty look or can’t look at you, then immediately think he has done something to be guilty about. I become suspicious. Then I try to see if there is anything i can find. So what do you do with these feelings? It seems either ignoring them or confirming them. Not sure what the healthy thing is to do. Trained as a child to inspect!
Thanks
again
Faith!
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Faith!!!!
LOVE THAT! I think it is a perfect new name.
What a difficult childhood. When we have adults who are not responsible or powerless to protect and care for us or themselves – or we perceive that is the case when we are children – we tend to take on a very warped view of ourselves, others, and God. We tend to believe that we have a lot more control and power and responsibility than we really do. I can certainly see why you developed these beliefs.
Do you believe that you are free as a godly wife to share your ideas, concerns, thoughts, feelings, and wisdom with your husband – that your influence is critical and important and that you are to be his most trusted advisor and friend? Do you believe you are allowed to have a voice in the marriage and that you have great worth – equal worth – to your husband?
The answers to these questions depend on each woman’s situation. God can give us the wisdom we need to recognize that something is truly suspicious and we need to ask some questions. Or He can give us the wisdom we need to simply rest in His peace. He can bring guilt and sin to light. I would be careful in assuming you know what “a guilty look” means. Maybe he is used to you freaking out if he stops by the store without telling you. Maybe it is something like that? It could be wise to simply seek to understand him and to get to know him more rather than to interrogate him. Does that make sense?
There are times when I think it would be wise to take these feelings to God and write them out. Ask God to help you see if they are legitimate or if they are actually just a learned response and if it is destructive. Ask God to help you take your thoughts captive. If you don’t have any real reason to be suspicious – then let go of the suspicious thoughts and focus on Philippians 4:4-8 things. If you have real evidence that your husband is involved in adultery – then, you would need to pray about how exactly to approach this in a God-honoring way.
If your husband seems like he looks guilty or suspicious, perhaps you can just go give him a hug, smile, and say, “Hey Honey! Welcome home! I’m so glad to see you. Is everything okay?”
Does this make sense?
Also, the book Through His Eyes by Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross has a lot of very practical things wives can do in the later chapters of the book to support and love their husbands and to pour healing into the marriage.
What can you do to show your husband more faith and trust in him in areas that are safe to trust him? What things might speak respect to him?
Much love to you!
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Hi April,
I need some advice. I am going to be in the area of my husbands work and was thinking of visiting him without telling him. I have in the past but lately have avoided it because of fear that he will not be happy to see me. Sometimes he is sometimes he seems bugged or like he doesn’t want me there. I haven’t gone in a long time because i’m not sure what my motive is. Afraid of his response so would rather not go. any advice?
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Faith,
If you are going to bless and enjoy him – go. And be flexible – if he has time and is able to see you, great. If he is busy or tied up or it is not a good time, smile, be gracious, and tell him to have a wonderful day.
If you are going out of fear or to spy on him – I vote not to go. 🙂
Ask God to help you discern your motives. Do things only out of motives that will honor God and bless your husband and build up your marriage. 🙂
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Hi April,
well as it turns out the reason for me going to that part of town was actually changed. I had to cancel an appointment. God’s intervention. 🙂 I am actually meeting with a friend tomorrow to talk about the anxiety we both experience. The Lord has shown me some insights and I believe he is beginning to heal me. I haven’t had nearly as many anxiety attacks in the past two day. Although i think he may be testing me as this morning my husbands mother landed up in the hospital. It is the same hospital that i think his ex-girl friend works as and one time I saw through a phone tracker he may of been at the same hospital a year ago. I asked him if he was and he said no. We were there this morning and I was peaceful. She will be there a few days so I’m sure we will be going again. Please pray for protection and peace as i don’t know if he was ever there in the past or if she works at this hospital.
Blessings,
Faith
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Faith,
Please let me know how you are doing. I love what God is beginning to do in your heart. 🙂
Praying for you, your husband and your MIL! That you might rest in God’s peace!
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Hi April,
I am doing a lot better with my fears. I believe that the Lord is showing me that I don’t trust that if the my fears come to pass that he won’t be there for me, to take care of my needs. I was putting too much belief in my husband to care and love me. Meaning that if I didn’t have him – I wouldn’t have a home or the life that I now have. That without him our children would go through what I went through.
After meeting with my friend and sharing what the Lord showed me I know that was a lie from satan. God has always been there for me, He is with me now and will always be there for me no matter what happens, to care, provide and love me and my children. Also she comes from a divorced family and we talked about how being abandoned by men (father or husband) is nothing new. The first perfect woman was abandoned by her perfect husband when Adam didn’t protect her from satan. But God took care of her needs, clothing and most of all a savior (a perfect husband.)
Also so many women of the bible, Sarah and Abraham, Ruth and Naomi, Mary and joseph and then the Lord showed me that even he was forsaken by his Father for the love that he has for us. Wow! It is only us that will never be forsaken by him. My friend even texted my the next day to say she was also feeling better. Our problem is that we don’t trust him enough and believe lies.
Another thing we talked about is singing. The Lord showed me it wasn’t enough to just listen to worship music which I do but that I need to sing praises from my own mouth not just listen with my ears. This is a great way to take my thoughts captive and meditate on things worthy. Also I know that deep breathing helps with anxiety. You need to breath deep to sing. Oh how wise our Father is. Then to confirm it I just heard a teaching where the pastor was saying there are more commandments in the bible to sing praises than to pray. Not that prayer isn’t important. But i think we neglect praise and thanksgiving with our own mouth!
We need prayer about a situation at church with the pastor. It is a new church to us and we are not sure about some of the things he is teaching. We will need to make some decisions and perhaps confront him. Pray for my husband to have courage and wisdom and protection for our family.. If we need to leave. My MIL is doing good she will be in a rehab for a while. She is not saved so we pray for salvation.
Thank you again April, please pray that the Lord would continue to show me how much he loves me.
Blessings
Faith
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My husband has no accountability. He was heavily involved in porn before and I suspect that he still may be. We have been married for almost 20 years but lived as husband and wife for maybe 4 years max. We are sharing the same house but separate everything else. I stay with him for my children’s sake. The marriage was so seriously neglected. We never received counselling. He would get angry if I confronted him about anything negative about him and he would then use this as an opportunity to attack me. I was so depressed for the first 10 years of my marriage that my marriage had been such a failure. Because of my emotional state, I got some health issues. I spent so many years wishing I had married someone else. The sad thing is I no longer love him as a husband and I do not even care if he watches porn. I did try to pray that God would enable me to love him but I cannot love him romantically any more. The best I can do now is to be able to love him as a person, ie to want him healthy and well but that is the limit. Am i sinning in God’s sight?
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Anon,
That is certainly a very painful, difficult situation you are describing. 😦
Not sure if you have ever found helpful resources for wives of husbands with porn addictions, but http://www.xxxchurch.org has a lot of posts and resources that would be a blessing. And you may search my home page for “porn” for some posts about that here, as well.
Are you interested in finding spiritual healing for yourself in Christ? I would be glad to walk with you on the baby steps to do that. Just say the word!
Much love to you!
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Hi April,
I have mentioned it before where my husband have been texting with his 19 year old female coworker. The texting is only as far as i know is very on and off, like once a week or so. He tells me everything as far as i can tell. She texts sometimes to ask if he could tell her who shes working with etc. We have discussed it often and i repeatedly said that i hurts my feelings. He gets upset and sometimes angry and says ” either you trust me or you dont”,and “who do you think i am to go and mess around with a 19 year old”. And “It’s not my fault that I work with all women. I have to interact somehow.”
So i feel like i dont have a real reason to be jealous. But at the same time, I am. If i dont take my thoughts captive in time I get really worked up about it and he senses it immediately and gets defensive even without me saying anything. He is not hiding with his phone but he doesnt offer me to look at his texts either. He id not secretive about it but he doesnt leave the phone laying around the house either.
What do i do? I have been praying about it and i am trying to stay on my paper about the whole thing. Im really trying to not mention anything more about it, im trying to have complete faith in my husband and God.
How can i completely let it go? My husband is really a good man but this nagging thoughts that he might be hidibg something is bugging me immensly.
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NB,
To me, this is kind of like the situation Dr Phil (on TV) would talk about when I used to watch years ago… “What I fear, I create.”
Let’s think through a few questions:
1. If you truly believe that your husband is trustworthy, and if it is once a week or so and it seriously is just stuff about work – what do you predict that your getting extremely upset, jealous, and worried will do for your marriage?
2. Can you stop your husband from cheating on you by getting really insecure, jealous, upset, crying, yelling, etc…? Will that draw him to you or repel him away?
3. What would be a healthy, productive way to deal with your fear, do you think?
4. How could you build your marriage up and build your husband up instead so that you are creating a stronger marriage and bond with him?
5. Where is your security? Is it in the number of times your husband texts a coworker per week? Or is it in Christ?
6. If your husband really was flirting inappropriately or were to have an affair, if what he was doing was truly inappropriate, what would be a God-honoring way to handle it?
7. How is your walk with Jesus going? What do you desire with Him?
8. What are you praying about lately?
9. What are your biggest fears? How do you believe you can find victory over fear?
10. What do you believe you have to have to be content in life?
11. Does your husband feel generally respected by you?
What do you want in your relationship with your husband?
Much love to you!!!! And a BIG hug!
April
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April, thank you for getting back with me so quickly. I so appreciate it. To andwer your questions…
1. I know all if this is really going to only cause more grief and will repel my husband for sure
2. No not at all.
I have been praying about it, praying that the Lord will show me the truth. And the direction i need to go to.
4. I am really working on Laura Doyles 6 intimacy skills right now. It does help. We have long ways to go still. It is not easy.to just undo 10 years of disrespect and control.
5. It id in christ, i know it. Just to get my focus 100% on it is not easy though.
6. I know nagging and constantly.asking him about it is not a good way. I am trying to work on being his soft place. To fall. On being peaceful. On making myself simeone he wants to come home to.
7. My walk with Christ is going well. I feel more peaceful in general. When i feel frustrated ir dissappointed i remind myself that i am doing it for Christ. Not to change ny husband.
8. Im praying for peace, and for my husband to finally ferl peace at his job. He places so much of his self worth in thst place that i feel so secondary to him. Im praying for Christ to bless and keep my husband
10. I know all i need is Christ. On the other hand im thinking if i had my husband being affectionate with me, etc i would also be content.
11. I would say yes. But he has still his walls up with me. He cant completely get over all the disrespect and insults that he endured from me in the 10 years before 2015.
Im struggling with thr desire to talk to him about why he never leaves his phone out any more where befire he used to care less where he left it. It is eating me up.
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NB,
You are most welcome, my sister. 🙂 I know that it is very difficult to undo so many years of wrong thinking – to identify the lies and destructive mindsets and habits, to rip them out, and to rebuild on Christ an His Word and wisdom alone. It takes time and you have to dig very deeply. It is about total heart change.
I assume that you want to change and that you want to let go of any warped thinking that is causing you to stumble. It sounds like you want to stop doing these things but maybe don’t know how?
Very glad to hear that you see that your approach is going to be destructive and that you are working on Laura Doyle’s intimacy skills. That is awesome. 🙂
What seems to distract you most from Christ?
Would you be interested in some posts to help strengthen your walk with Christ?
Do you believe you can hash through your thoughts to get to the place where you can say, “God, I will be content in Christ alone, no matter what my husband does or does not do for me.My contentment is 100% dependent on Jesus and all You have done for me plus nothing else. I don’t have to have anything else to be content. You are enough for me.”?
Husbands have their own journey, too. They are often very skeptical about their wives changing at first. Especially if they are still feeling disrespected sometimes. It took Greg 3.5 years to feel safe with me again. I had over 14 years of disrespect and control to tear out and rebuild.
Have you read many posts here? If not, I would be glad to point you to some that I believe may be a blessing and help you find the healing there is for you in Jesus.
Would you please read this post and let me know what you think?
Much love to you! I am praying for God’s continued work and healing for you both. 🙂
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