Fully Trusting God with My Husband – Laying Down All of My Fears
For me, fear is often a signal that the opposite of my fear is something I am cherishing more than Christ in my heart. When I see a lot of fear, I know I need to lay things before God on the altar. I also need to check my heart for unbelief in God and ask God to help increase my faith. (I am going to give some examples of the fears I had and the idols I had at the beginning of my journey – but you can replace my fears and idols with any fears or idols below.)
I had to personally get to the place (over time after MUCH wrestling) where I could genuinely pray like this:
Lord,
I am so afraid my husband will never want to interact with me again. I am afraid he will be unplugged, unloving, and passive for the rest of our lives. I am afraid he doesn’t love me. I am afraid he doesn’t want me in his life. I am afraid he wouldn’t even notice or care if I were to die. I want his love. I want his affection. I want his attention. I want to feel secure in our marriage. I want reassurance from him. I want him to be interested in me physically. But I can’t make him do these things.
God, even if my husband never changes, even if he never loves me, even if I feel alone in this marriage – I am going to trust You.
I am going to depend totally on You for my security. No matter what my husband does. I have You and I want You more than I want my husband or anyone or anything else. He can’t satisfy me. He can’t meet the deepest needs of my heart – even if You heal us both. He is not God. Only You can meet the deepest needs of my life. No man can ever be Christ to me. I can’t put my trust and hope in my husband and his actions or inactions. I can’t put my hope and trust and faith in his affirmation of me or his affection toward me.
I am going to put 100% of my faith in You from now on – even if my husband doesn’t change.
You are my Rock. “I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus’ Name!” I want to learn to live in the sufficiency of Christ! I want to be stable and unshakable in You whether my husband lives or dies, whether he gets very sick, whether he has an affair, whether he leaves me, whether he loves me or not… this is about You and me. It is about where I will put all of my faith and trust. It isn’t about him.
I lay down my fears. I acknowledge that I have been putting my desires for my husband above You in my heart and that is sin. I acknowledge my sin of unbelief in You, Lord. Please forgive me!!! I don’t want to live like this anymore! I am going to begin to trust You starting today even though I am afraid and have never done this before. I have spent my life trusting self and trusting other people and things. This is idolatry and it is so wrong! I don’t want to put anything above You in my heart any more.
Help me tear out these idols. Help me build on Christ, Your truth, and Your Word alone. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:12) – even if it means I am unloved, unappreciated, unwanted, and ignored by my husband. If Paul (through the power of the Holy Spirit) can be content in plenty or in poverty physically – I can be content in You whether I have lots of love and attention from my husband or no attention and love from him. My husband is not my primary provider and source of all good things. You are.
If I have You – I have everything that really matters.
I lay my husband and our broken marriage on the altar before You. Do what You believe is best with him and with our marriage in Your timing. I lay everything I am and all that I have before You. I want Your will, even if I don’t understand it. Even if it is painful. Even if it takes a long time. I grieve over my dream for my marriage and family and I lay it down before You and take my hands off of it. I lay down all of my dreams and entrust them to You. I will be content whether I get what I want or not in my marriage as long as I have You. I won’t run ahead of You anymore. I want to only do what You want me to. I only want to please You!
Bring the most honor and glory to Yourself in our family and in my life. Beginning today, I will wait on You. I want Your will. I need Your wisdom. You are totally sovereign. You can heal my marriage. You can heal my husband. I want to stop fighting You. I want to get out of Your way so that You can work unimpeded in my husband’s life. I trust You with the results. But most of all, I want You to change ME! Transform me! Conform me to the image of Christ! Use this time of pain and trial to grow me in my faith. I don’t want to miss any of the treasures You have hidden for me in this time of fiery trial. I yield to the refining fire. I welcome Your pruning shears. You know what is best. You have all wisdom. I do not. I humble myself before You. I want to be emptied of self so that I can be full of You!
Whatever it takes.
Whatever it costs.
You are worthy of all of my devotion. You are worthy of me to give up everything and everyone else in my life. I receive that my old self is dead to this world and to my sinful nature because it has been crucified with Christ (Romans 6). I receive that I am now alive to God through Jesus and that I have Your Spirit and Your new nature and that the purpose of my life is to bring joy and glory to You. My desire is to walk in holiness, obedience, and in the power of Your Spirit. Change my heart and mind. I desire the mind of Christ, the heart of Christ, and I receive all that You have done for me on the cross, Jesus!
Show me every sin. I want to repent of it all. Show me anything ungodly I am clinging to and cherishing in my heart that grieves You. It all has to go. I want Your Spirit. I have to have You. I have to have Your presence. I have to have Your fellowship. I want total oneness with You. I want to know You more! That is eternal life – to know You! You are the only Source of Real Love and Real Life.
If I have my husband’s love but don’t have You, I would be just as empty as I am right now. You are my greatest need. Not my husband.
I yield fully to You as Lord of everything in my life. I release control today. I give You total control. I trust Your sovereignty, not my husband’s feelings, not my feelings, not my circumstances, and not any human wisdom. You change people. You change hearts. You change circumstances. You are sovereign, I am not. I will trust You completely from this moment on. You are my Lord. You will use all of this for my ultimate good and Your glory. That is what I want. I want Your will, even if it is painful. I want Your greatest glory in my life. Change me! Fill me. Make me more like Jesus.
Amen!
This is the place I need to be every day – where I lay down my desires, my will, my life, all that I have, and all that I fear – and that I am seeking Christ far above everything and everyone else. This is what it means to follow Christ. There are times of trials when this becomes much more difficult than other times. I know there will be many difficulties in the future where I will have to continue to lay things down and determine to trust God. This is a process and a journey. It is a continual dying to self. A daily taking up my cross and following Jesus.
- Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. Luke 22:23-26
- “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. Matthew 10:37-39
- Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:25-27 (The second greatest commandment is that we are to love other people. So, it is clear that Jesus doesn’t literally mean we are to “hate” our families. But the first commandment, that we are to love God with all our hearts, minds, and souls is to be FAR above our love for people. Our love for God is to be so great that – in comparison – our love for other people looks like “hate.” We cannot love our families and loved ones more than Christ. He is worthy of our highest love and devotion by a landslide!)
TWO CHOICES (This helped me so much when I was wrestling, to see what my choices really were):
1. I can choose to trust self (which is trusting Satan according to Scripture) and I can pridefully think I know best and I have control (that I do not have). I can destroy my life and my relationships with others because my flesh is in control and there is no good in my flesh.
2. I can choose to trust God and humble myself, acknowledging I don’t have the wisdom He has and that His ways are much higher than my own. I can allow God to bring healing into my life and relationships. I can empty myself of self and be filled to overflowing with all the goodness and Life of Christ!
VARIATIONS:
We can pray this same kind of prayer when we face other fears, too:
- fears about not having children
- fears about our children’s health and safety
- fears about the political craziness and who will be president
- fears about the economy collapsing
- fears about our jobs
- fears about our health
- or anything else!
And we can pray this kind of prayer about any of our deepest dreams and greatest desires. God uses all kinds of trials to help us learn to live by faith, to fully trust Him, the sufficiency of Christ, living in contentment in Christ in all circumstances, and to grow in our faith.
ADMIN NOTE:
My son has been home sick with something like the flu all week. I want to be available to him as much as possible. 🙂 Titus 2 ladies who have been on this journey for awhile and who feel led, please reach out to minister to the ladies (and men) who are hurting with prayers, love, and encouragement! I love the way everyone seeks to bless and encourage each other here! Y’all are an incredible blessing to me. 🙂
MY HOPE IS BUILT ON NOTHING LESS
THAN JESUS’ BLOOD AND RIGHTEOUSNESS
I DARE NOT TRUST THE SWEETEST FRAME
BUT WHOLLY TRUST IN JESUS’ NAME
RELATED:
Are You Willing to Sacrifice Your “Isaac”
Submission (to Christ) Means We Hold the Things of This World Loosely
25 Ways to Show Reverence for God
Absolute Surrender – by Andrew Murray (free download)
The Peaceful Wife 
I needed this today. The Lord bless you for your open honesty. Although I love the Lord dearly, I realized I have shifted my focus to having my needs fulfilled by my husband too often in order to satisfy my own needs, instead of turning to the One who alone can do that, and have, to some degree, had too high expectations in my husband. And although I have and know I have received a new nature, there are still some wounds and pain from the past that have not been resolved and I haven’t been able to put my finger on it as to what it is. I trust God for salvation and everything else in my life, including my marriage because I know I can’t fix it but only He can.
Yet, although I trust, for some reason those old hurts aid me in shifting my focus back to my husband. It’s quite tiring really. I know the Lord loves me and rejoices over me with singing, yet many times I do not know how to communicate well what is going on inside of me to Him. This prayer you have written clearly expresses everything I want to tell the Lord myself but haven’t known how to do. I am so thankful to Him I found your blog and I am thankful for you. I’m also thankful that all the times I have wanted to pray for my marriage but have not known what to say, that the Spirit intercedes on my behalf with wordless groans. That in itself is amazing.
Thank you and keep writing as you feel led.
Love in Christ, Tracy
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mrsbbt,
I am so grateful this was a blessing. Becoming more like Christ is a process. I know I am still learning and have tons more to learn. 🙂
What an amazing God we serve. I am so thankful it is all about Him and what Jesus has done and will do for us, in us, and through us. It isn’t about our strength or ability. The more we empty ourselves of self, the more we yield control to Him, the more He does.
I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you! 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your experience and faith through this blog. As a husband, I am truly in a lose/lose situation. Although my wife and I are both saved, she voices her complete and utter disdain and contempt for Biblical submission to her husband. Furthermore, she literally laughes at me when I tell her that I need respect like she needs love.
LikeLike
Philip,
I’m really sorry to hear about the painful situation you are facing. It is extremely hurtful for any spouse to feel that his/her spouse is acting with contempt or refusing to walk in obedience to Christ. I pray that God might empower you to abide in Christ and to be the godly man He desires you to be even if your wife is not upholding her end of the deal. I pray for you to heal spiritually and to be so filled with the power of God, His love, His gentleness, and His Spirit that you might hear God’s voice clearly and have His wisdom about how to handle this and that you might walk in obedience to God and be found faithful to Him even if she doesn’t. I pray His Spirit will speak to her and bring any conviction that is needed – only The Holy Spirit can open any of our eyes. I’m so thankful that God is able to take very difficult, painful, messy situations and turn them into beautiful showcases of His power, love, grace, and truth.
LikeLike
i have spent the past 17 years hurting and putting my husband down. I have spent the past 10yrs drinking but have finally been set free from God and healed. But the pain of my addiction has taken its toll on my marriage. I know I’m forgiven in Gods eye but my husband can’t forgive.
We are still living together but some days he still can’t see how his feeling for me will change. He has stopped saying he loves me, in fact says hes not in love with me anymore. We are having sex but not making love. It’s not intimate and he won’t kiss me, says kissing me makes him feel yuck.
This is the man who could never get enough of me doesn’t even want to comfort me, hug me goodbye or give me a kiss goodnight. I feel so rejected, so unloved and very lonely. I know I have done wrong. I want to know if there is anyone out there with a similar story and if so what changes did they make? How long did it take for changes to start?
I know God will heal this marriage but some days it still just feels helpless. I would love to see some kind of sign from God that I am on the right track believing and praying for the marriage. When I’m the one who has done wrong it feels hard to believe I deserve a happily ever after love story.
LikeLike
Adele,
It is so wonderful to hear from you! I praise God that He has set you free form drinking!!!!
How long ago did that happen? Have you repented to your husband for your treatment of him, the disrespect and the drinking? It does take time to heal a broken marriage like this. I know that it was 3.5 years before Greg felt safe with me from the time I began my journey to become a godly wife. Husbands need to see consistent changes over time to believe that the changes are real. That often means many months or even years of change.
The awesome news is that yes, God can heal you, your husband, and your marriage. With Christ, it is not about what we deserve. What we all deserved was condemnation and hell. But Jesus paid the entire price for our sins so that now we are completely forgiven and washed clean before God. Now, we live to bring Him the greatest glory because that is what He deserves. 🙂
I have lots of posts here that I believe may be a blessing to you on this road, if you are interested. A good place to start might be:
I Don’t Think My Husband Loves Me – How Can I Learn to Be a Godly Wife?
Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected
Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them
What Is Respect in Marriage?
How to Make Your Husband an Idol
My Husband Wanted a Divorce
Why Isn’t My Husband More Supportive As I Try to Change?
Some other topics you may want to look up:
– fear
– bitterness
– people pleasing
– oneness in marriage (talks about finding victory over being emotionally enmeshed)
– security
– contentment
– resting in Christ
– when you feel deprived
Much love to you! I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you! 🙂
LikeLike
Great post and super timely for me. I just had this thought a few nights ago. I don’t want my joy to be based on my husbands affection or lack of affection for the day.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Tntingela,
It is SO freeing to be able to rest in the joy Christ gives us no matter what our circumstances. We don’t have to be victims. We are not powerless. We are victors and more than conquerors in Christ! No one can steal the spiritual blessings Jesus died to give to each of us! 🙂
Love this!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow, April. Just – wow!
(I’m gonna try to keep this one short. Yesterday I wrote a really long comment under the Share Your Journey post about something amazing that I finally realized. I wrote it from my computer – I usually use my iPad – so maybe it went to spam or something, but that’s okay. Just writing it out was VERY therapeutic for me, and helped me to think through a lot.)
Anyhow, this post you wrote today, is a perfect follow up to what I worked through yesterday. I feel like I’ve been doing this journey “lite.” I need to pray prayers more like this one, and I need to let go of the fear.
I saw some play in elementary school, I forget what it was called but it was scary. The moral was – be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. That was cemented into my head. So I’ve been afraid to pray for a lot because what if God answers, but in a way that’s scary or upsetting? But that’s not of God! And it doesn’t apply to prayer!! When we trust God, we know that He will do what is best for us, no matter what we pray for. That’s why sometimes the answer is “no” or “not yet.” But somewhere in my mind, I managed to mash all of this together, and I will admit I have been afraid to pray for some things, because of the fear that they might come true.
But this is foolish! God knows all, sees all, and knows what is in my heart. I cannot control things. I need to learn that. (My husband and I were discussing just last night, that things from my childhood – like where at six years old I had to get myself up, dressed, fed, make sure the house was locked up and get to the bus on time – have had both positive and negative repercussions on my adult life. On the one hand, I am extremely responsible. On the other hand, I worry more than I need to and I feel like I need to make sure everything has been handled. I take too much responsibility for others and in a way, try to control the outcome of things. This is not my job. I need to leave this to God.) I am learning and growing in this and it’s very freeing.
This is one of your posts that I will reread many times. I found myself praying along with you as I read this and that’s a big step for me. I need to pour out my heart while praying and pray without fear. God knows what is in my heart anyway, so I might as well let it out when talking to Him.
And of course I fret that I slip up each day. But you wrote:
“I know there will be many difficulties in the future where I will have to continue to lay things down and determine to trust God. This is a process and a journey. It is a continual dying to self. A daily taking up my cross and following Jesus.”
That’s encouraging. Really! To know that I can start over today, and tomorrow, and the next day… God is so GOOD!
Thanks for such an encouraging post!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Becca,
I found your comment!!! Yay!
What a blessing to get to hear how God is working in your heart and speaking to you and showing you truth about your past and your perspective. I see Him healing you, my dear sister! A baby step or two at a time. It is a BEAUTIFUL thing to see. Like a flower slowly unfolding and blossoming in the sunlight. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your heart and insights and thoughts! LOVE this!
Much love,
April
LikeLike
Amen and amen. Thank you for this reminder. It’s a struggle I’ve battled with for some time. It would take an entire book to document my stronghold of insecurity and holding my husband to a standard he couldn’t possibly achieve…..only Jesus. I’ve come a long way, but that fear of rejection is rooted deep, so finally I bought a bracelet and had inscribed on it Psalm 62:5 and the simple words, “God Alone”. It is a daily reminder for me to lay my fear down at Jesus’s feet and know that He alone can satisfy my soul. I have the most precious husband and he deserves a wife who doesn’t expect him to satisfy her the way as only Jesus can do! I want to be that wife….strong and secure in Him alone!
LikeLiked by 2 people
LOVE THIS, Nina!!!!!! 🙂 how I praise God for what He is doing in you!!!!! 🙂 thank you for sharing.
LikeLike
Thank you four this today!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I enjoyed reading every part of this. There were so many parts that pricked my heart.
LikeLiked by 1 person
amazing post! Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 Great prayer, am praying this too.
Despite knowing and believing these truths I feel so flat and feel so hurt by my husbands words. I know it doesn’t matter in eternity and my sufferring is nothing compared to what christ went through for me but I am human and it hurts. I am tired of this trial. I know God will continue to give me the strength I need and is refining me because he loves me but it is unpleasant. I am sad, and lonely and scared (that my husband will leave and the harm we are causing our children). I can’t tell if this is abusive or not and what to do about it. His words are, his repeated critisisms. I know he reacts to my unhelpful reactions and it is a vicious cycle but that doesn’t excuse name calling and putting me down.
Sorry april to have a moan, could just do with a shoulder to cry on today and don’t want to be disloyal by offloading to the wrong person. After a reasonable morning we had a big row on the phone which has set me back. I’ve started an antidepressant and it has reduced my anxiety but has left me feeling demotivated, flat and sad which is great because it is another opportunity to explore the reasons for this (before the antidepressant effect starts to work) but its rubbish and I just want to go back to bed! which of course I can’t do, I’m at work.
anyway, sorry to complain.’ do everything without complaining’ 😦
– Lord you know my sadness and pain. It is nothing compared to what you went through for me and I am so so grateful for that because you ahve rescued me and saved my life. But this is hard lord, so hard and I feel like I can’t carry on and I want to run away and hide and never come out again. Lord give me what I need to carry on, to change and to see myself and my sin clearly. I am forgiven and loved so greatly by you, help me to truly know and feel that. Help me to be secure in that wonderful truth that you know and love me. I cannot be shaken whatever happens. Lord, continue the amazing work you have started in me, I am not the person I was last year let alone 6yrs ago when you came for me. I love you Lord and I am sorry I do not love you with all of my being. I desire my husbands love and approval so much, lord help me to let go of this. He is a sinful human being too and this is too much for him. Love the lord your god with all your being-lord I want to love you like this but it is hard. Lord I pray for my children, protect their precious hearts, keep them safe through this storm. I can’t believe you ahve given them to me and trusted me with them, you know what you are doing! Lord, comfort my husband, calm his anger and comfort his hurt. Draw near to him and guide him.
Amen.
xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Liz,
I found your comment!
I am so sorry things are feeling so difficult and painful.
I pray you will continue to seek Christ wholeheartedly! I pray for godly counselors for you. The first few weeks on a new med like that can mess with your emotions a lot. May not be a time when you can trust your feelings.
Sending you a huge hug, my dear sister!
LikeLike
He gives us what we need for today only. He lights one step at a time. We desire to have the whole journey in view before we start, but that is not God’s way, is it? Sometimes, that mustard seed of faith that let’s God meet us where we are is all He needs to bring us to where we are supposed to go. We may not be able to trust fully, or give up everything at one fell swoop, but God will gently lead us toward our destiny He has set out for us. He is our goid shepherd. Just seeking Him pleases Him. Tomorrow, next week, next year may be totally overwhelming yo us today. But God asks us to trust and beleive in Him for today. Tomortow, we will be given what we need for tomorrow. Much love and prayers to you as you heal and grow. Your best days are still ahead, my sweet sister.
LikeLike
I have recently found this website and over the last week it has spoken to me. This message was directly related to my current situation. Thank you for sharing how you feel and the prayers that are within your heart.
LikeLike
Felecia,
You are most welcome. 🙂
Much love to you!
LikeLike
A needful reminder. Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
BTDT. This is a life-changing decision, and prayer. It was a hard season to walk through… but so worth it. I’ve never lost the sweetness of the trust in God that I gained in that season, which itself is worth the price of admission.
The rest? Would be unfair to discuss with anyone embarking on this season, but He is faithful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hearthie,
Thank you for reaching out to encourage our sister. I appreciate your testimony greatly!!
Much love to you!
LikeLike
Excellent, April! This sure sums it up! Prayers for your son & hoping the rest of you stay healthy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, FreeIndeed! 🙂
LikeLike
April,
Thank you for leading us in prayer. I woke this morning with fearful thoughts and this prayer helped refocus my thoughts. Thank you for your faithful example.
LikeLike
J,
This is the kind of example I did not have myself as I began this journey. Of course, it is still painful and difficult even if you have an example. Still, I pray God might use this to bless many women. It is sometimes helpful to see the thought process behind tearing out idols, laying down dreams, and laying down fears.
Much love to you!
LikeLike
April,
Thank you so much for you ministry and honesty. God is using you in my life. This morning during my study I was crying out to God this very prayer. This is to me a confirmation. That I die and Christ live in me. I am dead to sin and alive to Him. That I may have the fruit of the Spirit.
Also wanted to let you know that my husband and I talked more asked for forgiveness (both of us) and have been “together” each night. I am so selfish, He does work so hard for us so I can stay home. I know I need to look to God for my love and acceptance. I would like to journal like you suggested but wouldn’t want anyone to find it. Any suggestions?
Praying for you and your family. Thank you again and may God bless you!
Faith
LikeLiked by 1 person
Faith – To respond to your question re the journaling, I found an app I put on my iPad several years back called secret diary and you add a lock code so all your journaling is private. Many blessings to you.
LikeLike
Faith,
I stand with you in your prayer! God honors a heart that desires to die to self and live for Christ in the power of His Spirit for His glory alone. 🙂
I love Overwhlemed’s suggestion.
So thankful for the way God is giving you a new perspective and new grace for your husband. I praise God for the healing that is taking place in your marriage!
Thank you for the prayers. There is no greater gift anyone could give me.
I pray for God to continue His good work in you and your husband and to bring it all to completion. 🙂
Much love!
LikeLike
Dearest April,
Amazing prayer.. Wow will I ever be able to die to self and confess ALL my sins? I found your amazing website a couple of months ago and was so thrilled to look at my marriage with new loving humble eyes. However I am struggling today as my husband continues to get us into debt and has taken years to submit his tax return…incurring thousands of pounds of charges…which mount daily.
This is my marriage “killer” and oh boy, then do I find it hard to be a godly wife. I look forward to the day this problem is addressed by my husband. I feel then we can enjoy our marriage, but I know I should be a loving peaceful wife regardless of problems. Today I went into panic stricken, bossy wife mode and foolishly told…yes, told my husband… to get up early and submit his tax returns.
I have just made myself unwell, as he goes about his day ignoring me. I am sorry Lord for taking my eyes off you and not trusting you. I pray for all women who have anxieties around money due to their husbands lack of money sense.
Thank you April…love the kindle book have ordered several paper copies and await the arrival in UK.
God bless you in abundance xx
LikeLike
Love4Christ,
It is wonderful to hear from you, my precious sister! I don’t know if you are dealing with any mental health issues or severe issues in your marriage, if you are, you may want to reach out for help one-on-one with a trusted, godly counselor.
I can certainly understand your angst about the taxes not being paid and about the debt. I am with you about not wanting debt and wanting to pay your taxes. In fact, God has plenty of verses against going into debt in the Bible and He does command believers to pay their taxes. So these are significant issues, for sure.
How is your walk with Christ going? My goal for you is that you will be abide in Christ completely – trusting Him, yielding control to Him, and walking in His power. Then you will be able to hear His voice clearly about how He is prompting you to handle this in the most productive way. God’s voice is what we all need most to be able to hear and discern.
Praying for His leadership, wisdom, and direction for you!
I have some posts that may be helpful if you want to search:
– confronting our husbands
– when my spouse is wrong
– conflict
Much love!
LikeLike
April, this prayer is amazing. I thank you sincerely for it. I am definitely going to print this out (after adding in a few personal details) and use it regularly! You have a gift when it comes to prayer, I believe.
If you remember my back story you know I do have a lot of things to fear where my husband is concerned. So I think praying like this would be very comforting and freeing for me.
This is also timely because I am working through Nina’s Strength & Dignity eCourse, and a big part of that course is overcoming fear in order to be able to gently yet firmly enforce healthy boundaries with our husbands.
Sometimes the thought of having to stand up to my husband does make me feel afraid. He has bullied me an awful lot over the years, and I have almost always given in. But now I am learning a new way. And I need to remember that God is in control and that He will not leave me or forsake me. My trust is in Him. This prayer is a great way for me to remember that, and put the control of the situation where it belongs, in His hands.
LikeLike
Laura,
I definite remember your backstory. How I praise God for what you are learning and that you are seeking Him above all else and are allowing Him to transform you to be more like Christ!
Thanks for the update on the ecourse. I am glad to hear that is helpful.
I pray for God’s healing for you and for His Spirit to fill you completely so that you will have His wisdom and power to know how to best approach your husband and bless your family.
Much love!
April
LikeLike
Thank you, April! That little prayer is perfect and just what I need right now. I know there is a hard and scary road ahead of me as I seek to take better care of myself and my children, and stand up to sin in our home, while still being a respectful wife, and I need the Holy Spirit guiding me every tiny step of the way, and lending me His strength, to be sure.
LikeLike
Laura,
Yes! That is so my prayer that you will be completely filled with the Holy Spirit to help you navigate the issues you are facing. God alone has all of the wisdom you need. I pray for His healing for you, your husband, your marriage, and your family!
LikeLike
Wow and Amen. This really hit home, but I have been on a journey to know I can’t fix him, only God can if it be his will. I have been praying to God for forgiveness of anything in me that is against his will and for holding my husband higher than him. I also pray for my husband every day even if that used to be against my nature to pray for someone that has hurt me.
I now know that is what I’m supposed to do and am fully turning my life and will over to God. This is a continuing process since I ran on self will. One good thing that has happened in the past few weeks is my husband asked for us to go to counseling, so we sought our minister. Only God could have put that in him to ask because he never would go when I asked, so I stopped asking and started praying.
Thank you for such an honest heartfelt post and prayer.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Overwhelmed,
I am so thankful to God that this was helpful. And I am very thankful for your husband’s willingness to go to counseling. I pray for God’s healing for each of you individually and for your marriage. And I pray for God’s wisdom for you, your husband, and the minister – that you might all seek Christ wholeheartedly and allow Him to be in control and to transform you for His glory!
Much love!
LikeLike
Happy birthday April. As I read these posts you have been a blessing to us all. May you continue to be blessed all the days of your life. Xo
LikeLike
Overwhelmed,
Thank you so much for the birthday well-wishes and the prayer. 🙂 Our son is better after being out of school 4 days with a fever and we were all able to enjoy a lovely dinner out for my birthday tonight. That was a treat!
It is my prayer that this place might be a place where Jesus is exalted and many find healing in Him. 🙂
LikeLike
TWO CHOICES (it really helped clarify things for me when God showed me this):
1. I can choose to trust self (which is trusting Satan according to Scripture) and I can pridefully think I know best and I have control (that I do not have). I can destroy my life and my relationships with others because my flesh is in control and there is no good in my flesh.
2. I can choose to trust God and humble myself, acknowledging I don’t have the wisdom He has and that His ways are much higher than my own. I can allow God to bring healing into my life and relationships. I can empty myself of self and be filled to overflowing with all the goodness and Life of Christ!
MY HOPE IS BUILT ON NOTHING LESS
THAN JESUS’ BLOOD AND RIGHTEOUSNESS
I DARE NOT TRUST THE SWEETEST FRAME
BUT WHOLLY TRUST IN JESUS’ NAME
LikeLike
Awesome, April 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
This post change my mindset and prayers
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a powerful post.
Whatever it takes. Whatever it costs. Whatever brings You glory, Lord.
This is what it all comes down to and this is why God uses this blog so powerfully. Thank you, April, for being His vessel.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Jennifer,
It is scary at first to think of praying like this. But the more we know Jesus, the more we realize this is the only way we can follow Him and He is worthy of all of our devotion and submission. Ultimately, this is the only path to real Life and blessing in Christ.
Much love!
LikeLike
April thank you for taking the time to share this. I’m going to keep coming back to this one time and time again. My husband and I are separated and soon to start divorce procedures. This is his choice and it’s the hardest thing I’ve been through but this post is going to help a lot. I wish it hadn’t taken my husband leaving for me to realize how much I idolized him and how little I had made God in my life. Wishing you’re family well.
LikeLike
Shannon,
Oh no! I am so very sorry to hear about what is happening with you and your husband. 😦 that breaks my heart!
But, I praise God that you want to seek Christ first now. THAT is awesome!
I invite you to search my home page for “when your husband says I’m done,” I pray that post might be a blessing!
How may we pray for you?
LikeLike
Hoping to get to respond more to individual comments later as I am able to… but I did an interview with http://www.lovesaversministry.com last night that will be broadcast later, and I came across this post and had to share!
——-
The divine character of the Bride is “Agape” or “purity of heart”. Agape is a Greek word often translated “love” in the New Testament. What makes “agape love” different from other types of love? The key difference from other kinds of romantic or sexual love, agape love is a love based upon self-sacrifice. It is not a friendship or brotherly love. The Greek word philia is used for that kind of love. Agape love is unique and is distinguished by its nature and character. God purifies the heart of the Bride and develops the divine character within Her. Since we only learn and develop His character through trials, sufferings, distress, tribulations, disappointments and the crucifixion of the self-life it is clear that it must be accomplished here in this life because these dimensions of suffering will not be available in heaven. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires” Gal 5: 22-24.
LikeLike
April…you have no idea how much of a miracle this post was for me today. Wow! I just wrote the entire prayer down and am about to record myself speaking it outloud, and will be listening to this every morning. You gave me EXACTLY what I NEEDED today and all the days ahead. God bless you, and I hope your son feels better soon. Xo.
LikeLike
Jessica,
THAT is an awesome idea! It can take some time – I know it did for me – to begin to really rest all the weight of my trust in these ideas. I first had to be able to see that this was the goal. And then I would pray. But at first, with a lot of fear. Then gradually, I began to fully mean these words and sink down into them with all of my weight and faith. I love the idea of recording yourself saying this prayer and then listening to it and praying it every day.
Praise God! I’m so glad that He knew what so many ladies needed. God is so good!
I hope my son will feel better soon, too. Poor boy has had a fever since Monday.
I pray for God’s continued powerful work in your life that He might bring much good to you and much glory to His kingdom through your life as He transforms it into something radiant and beautiful for His glory!
Much love!
LikeLike
April,
Thank you for taking the time to write this out and post it. I think I need to start my day with it (and my daily Bible reading). As another poster said, it pricked my heart many times (many, many times).
LikeLike
Sky,
I’m so glad this was helpful. I think seeing an example of total surrender like this can be really powerful and can help us realize where we are holding back or not completely trusting God.
I pray that God might empower us all to fully surrender to Him each day. 🙂
LikeLike
hey april
I’m sorry for my ramble yesterday, I am in such a battle at the moment.
I hope your son is feeling better and no one else has caught his lurgy.
God bless
Liz xx
LikeLike
Liz,
I’m not sure I see your comment yesterday. How may we pray for you, sweet sister?
Thank you! So far no one else is sick. That is a blessing.
Much love!
LikeLike
This was just what I needed to hear last night, while I was sobbing and sleeping on my bed…
I need prayers to keep me from falling back…
LikeLike
Vinodhini,
Oh no! It sounds like things are not going well. How may we pray for you, dear sister?
LikeLike
Dear April,
I think I was again feeling the need for my husbands love to satisfy, unfortunately that is not the solution. I need to trust God and lay down my fear. Thats exactly how this post ministered to me.
I was feeling too emotional and needed my husbands assertion that he loves me, he does love me. Just that he is different and so are his actions and I was unable to accept him that night.. PMS is a big issue with me.. Otherwise everything ok at my end.
LikeLike
Vinodhini,
When things begin to go well, we tend to want to slip into this snare again. It is always a temptation to begin to set our expectations and hope on our husbands instead of on Christ. I’m glad this post was a blessing.
PMS makes things much more challenging, too. I definitely understand that! It sounds like you are doing better today?
Praying for you both and for the healing of God on you individually and your marriage and family.
Sending you a huge hug!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much.. Much Love
LikeLike
🙂
LikeLike
Pms. That gets me every time. I have learned to pray hard during this time to ask God for control of my emotions and not trust them. To help me feel peace and calm. I never knew what kind of Jekyll and Hyde situation my poor husband had to endure. He never had sisters and this was not a problem for his mother. The whole thing just sends him into a tailspin. Darn it…Eve! (Lol)
LikeLiked by 1 person
My husband also finds it weird and he feels its more a reason i use to justify my behavior…
LikeLike
Wow! This was awesome and perfect timing. We are all so blessed to have such a Godly Peaceful lady to guide us! Many blessings to you April.
LikeLike
Tina,
I have to give God the credit for this – He showed me how to pray like this 7 years ago. And He nudged me to share this yesterday. On my own, I would not have ever been able to do this! On my own, I was so full of fear and unbelief. But I am so thankful that He is willing to give us the power to trust Him and that He is able to open our eyes to what it means to follow Christ.
May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage for His glory!
LikeLike
Thank You April ,
I don’t want to give up on my husband be. He moved out and it’s been so hard to not have him with me. I don’t know if I should try and talk to him or leave him alone. He is still so angry.
I received your book today so I’m excited to start reading!
LikeLike
Tina,
Oh goodness! That sounds like a very painful situation for you both. 😦 Not sure if you saw “When Your Husband Says, ‘I’m Done'”? But perhaps that may be a blessing?
Praying for you to focus on your walk with Christ and allowing Him to transform and empower you to be the wife and woman He desires you to be. And praying for healing for you, your husband, and your marriage, my dear sister!
LikeLike
Feeling blessed right now
LikeLiked by 1 person
I needed to read this and have saved this link so I can reflect on it later. My husband HATES his job and wants to quit so badly to start his own accounting firm for small businesses. The only reason he won’t do it is because I’m scared of what will happen without his steady income. We have no savings, a 4 year old, rent, a car note, etc, and my job alone can’t pay for all of our expenses. However I feel that he is starting to look at me as a thorn in his side because I can’t support him in this step. I wrestle daily with wondering if it’s simply fear and I need to trust God to take care of us while he works on his business or is it simply common sense. But what good is being right if my husband (therefore our marriage) is unhappy? I feel so lost. I am going to pray this prayer and enter into some fasting next week… I hope God helps our family with this soon.
LikeLike
Olivia Burrell-Jackson,
I’m so sorry your husband hates his job so much. I have been in that position myself – and it was MISERABLE! I pray for God’s wisdom for you both. It is wise to be sure that you have a plan and that you have enough income coming in. I think it is possible to share your concerns in a respectful way while also supporting the idea of your husband thinking about other options, including starting his own business.
It may be that as he feels he has the freedom to really think about starting a business, he might realize he can’t do it yet, or that he needs to get some things lined up before he can do it. I assume that if he is an accountant, he understands money and expenses.
A wife can say something like, “Honey, I am so sorry that you are miserable at your job right now. THANK YOU for all you do to provide so well for us. I respect what you do to take care of us more than I can possibly say. If you want to look into another job or even starting your own business, I want to be supportive. I want you to be able to do what you think is best for your career. Maybe we can look at our budget together and see how we could make this work if you believe this is the step God desires you to take?”
Praying, seeking God, fasting, and deciding to allow Him to lead you and your family sounds like an awesome plan!
Much love!
LikeLike
I admit, I don’t always take the time to pray along with you, but this morning I had just been laying in bed praying for God to remove the fear I have of my husband never changing or falling into the generational sin pattern of affairs in his family. I believe, so arrogantly and selfishly, that I can be enough to make him want me or I can do enough to get him to notice me, when I know the Lord has to do the work. I get in His was far to often! And then this whole prayer just put into words how I needed to release my hold.
I’ve silently been following along with you for years, as this season has been a long and hard one, but I do also see the moments of sweetness that God would never have been ALL to me had I not walked this. I know He’s refining my heart to love Him and trust He is always good, but I feel letting go of fear must be a journey.
thank you!
LikeLike
Rachsl,
I’m so glad you are seeking Christ – even in the painful times. These can be some of the most precious times we share with Him – and the times we get to experience and receive the most treasure from His hand.
Praying for Him to continue the good work He has begun in you! 🙂
LikeLike
Happy Birthday April! March 19th.I pray God’s richest blessings in your life.His precious perfect will for you.His precious love to fill you and His joy to overflow you! Have a blessed day (your sister as well) love Debxo
LikeLike
Thank you so much, Deb! 🙂 I appreciate the birthday prayer. 🙂
Much love!
LikeLike
Thank you, April, for sharing this with us, and thank you for caring.
I was very busy those days, and I had moments (for the first time) where a thought about God would pop up.
God is So good. He really knows what we need.
LikeLike
Ev,
I praise God for what He is doing in your heart! 🙂 thanks for sharing!
LikeLike
Happy Birthday sweet April! May the Lord continue to bless you and your family! I pray His power to resurrect people’s hearts and marriages continue to be fully alive through your ministry here! I know I have been so blessed by you! God is doing wonders in my marriage!
Lots of love,
Dani
LikeLike
Dani,
Thank you for the birthday well-wishes! And thank you especially for praying for God’s Spirit to work here and to bring many to Himself and to work here through me. That is my greatest desire – that Christ would be greatly exalted here and that many would come to Him and find His healing and abundant life!
I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for your walk with Him and your marriage!
LikeLike
Happy Birthday April for yesterday. May God bless your family greatly 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you, Humbled Husband,
I pray the same thing for you and your family, my dear brother!
LikeLike
Happy birthday, April! May God endow your new year of life with His joy and peace. Thanking God for the beautiful instrument you have been in helping my marriage and so many others. Praise you, Lord, for April!!!!
LikeLike
Thank you April, and I think this is equally applicable for husbands. Of course it is different as the husband is the head of the home, where husband and wife live biblically. To be the vessel of Christ’s will is absolutely the essence of living as a Christian, man or woman. I think that this is also the part of marriage that is hardest. We are one, and yet we must serve the Lord, to our utmost strength. Your messages are truly a blessing in my life. A Christian brother
LikeLike
Jesuscentreoflife,
Yes, I believe God does require this same attitude from all of us as believers – the willingness to lay down everything in total trust and to die to self and yield in absolute surrender to Christ as Lord.
I am thankful that this was a blessing to you, my brother. 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you for this. I am grieving the loss of my marriage, and it truly breaks my heart to know that one if the reasons for my divorce could be that I made my husband my idol. I prayed that God would draw me closer to him, and tear down my idols. He has certainly done that in my marriage. I trust that God has a greater purpose for my divorce, and I pray continually that He will lead me closer to Him everyday. It is truly heartbreaking to think that if I had been more faithful to God, He may have blessed our marriage with healing. I pray that may still be a possibility but I put my hope and trust in God and His will, not in my desires or dreams.
LikeLike
MHMC,
I am praying with you, my dear sister. What God is doing in you is amazing! I love the heart He is forming in you that desires Christ far above all else. 🙂
LikeLike
Great post! I am stuggling with a very difficult situation with my husband. Being reminded to focus on God and not my husband and the troubles is really necessary. I had a moment today and had to remind myself again that I cannot fix this situation, my husband, or even myself! I need to focus on God, Lord Jesus, and the Holy Spirit and God’s Word to humble me….help me….guide me….change me!
Thank you so much for writing this April. Blessings to you ❤
LikeLike
I’m desperately struggling too Jackie. My husband wants a divorce and I don’t. I am not good or strong. I can’t help not focusing on him and I really need someone to talk to.
LikeLike
Divorce is a horrible thing to go through. I pray you can be reconciled.
It is very hard to not focus on the husband or self. It will not bring peace though. I struggle daily. I actually need to talk to myself and tell myself “You cannot fix this!”
Know this…even if there is a divorce, God will help you through and keep you strong and guide you. You do need to focus on Him though ❤ I KNOW it is hard!! I really do. I want to do 'whatever it takes' to make my husband happy and whole again. I am unqualified to do this! Only God can help my husband…and that will only happen IF my husband wants the help.
I will add you to my prayers. God doesn't want your marriage to end either ❤ If it does, He will help you and protect you and guide you. You need to turn to him though and focus on him. Do not stray from God or Lord Jesus and turn towards yourself. THEY will help you ❤
LikeLike
Love this, Jackie!! Thanks for reaching out to our precious sister, Tina!
LikeLike
You are most welcome, April! Enjoy your family time sweet sister 😊
LikeLike
Jackie, thank you for reaching out. What a blessing. I don’t think I have ever been through anything as painful as this. I see signs daily of my husband pulling further and further away. Preparing for his new life being single. It hurts so. I’m trying to turn to God but it’s so hard to see the other things happening out of my hands. In didn’t want my marriage to end but my husband is adamant this is what he wants. Prayers are so appreciated!
LikeLike
Hi again April. I have an issue that comes up whenever my husband seems to not trust God as fully as other times with tithing.for ages I would fight and tell him we need to tithe because I trusted God .then we stopped because he didn’t agree with things in our church ex, woman elder.I agree but I’m trusting for that too.recently he will be starting a new job in 2 weeks and it will be considerably less money.this morning he called me from work just as I was going to church and asked if we were tithing ? I replied why not? He said that with this drop in pay shouldn’t we reconsider? I tried not to get fearful but I said tithing to God by giving money to the storehouse (our church) is a matter of trusting and obeying God. God doesn’t say tithe only if it’s a perfect church. I also told him that he is the head of our home and i will respect his choice but i also asked him “p,ease dont ask us to disobey Gods command,please dont put us there again.I’m afraid of my response when he calls me later.I want to honour God by honoring my husband but isn’t this like he is asking me to disobey God because of his resentment and not agreeing with the waythings r done in our church? I really would appreciate advice on this one. I don’t want to dishonor God or my husband. This caused him to leave a church once when he gets in this anger mode and I don’t want to provoke it. That you .I really need some. Insight.
LikeLike
Oh I forgot to add that God answered my prayers when my husband was nothe working last year he came to me answer said he felt that we needed to tithe again so we have been doing it for almost 1yr and now this. Is starting up all over again.
LikeLike
Deb,
Please search my home page for “personal convictions.” That post addresses this kind of issue. Tithing was a command in the Old Testament. It is not mentioned as a command in the New Testament, but giving is. We are to give generously – not under compulsion. Allow God to work in your husband’s heart about how much he wants to give. He needs to give becaus he wants to give, not because he feels forced into it. God knows your heart. Commit to Him that you want to tithe but that you will trust God to direct your husband about this and not try to force him into it. God doesn’t need your money. He wants all of you and all that you have. But He can change your husband’s heart in His timing on this issue.
I personally gave control of our finances to my husband about 5 years ago and let him handle that issue. I wasn’t sure if he would tithe, but he did. I think it is awesome that you want to tithe. I wonder if you might pray about allowing your husband to handle it so that he feels the full weight of responsiblity for it?
Much love!
LikeLike
april- I completely agree with you about tithing-God does not need our money. I actually never knew that it was not in the new testament though. I believe my issue with this is much deeper. than just tithing. For years-my husband will be committed to our church for some time then he will begin to see things that he does not agree with,our last church it was the direction in which they were going. he does not pray about these issues he just rolls them over and over in his head until he is soo bitter and angry ,then we leave .or our life becomes hell because every time there is a problem between us he brings up his church issues and puts me on the other side of “us”.most times it starts with me expressing to him how I feel about something he has done or didnt do.even if i express it gently and kindly,he gets so angry and says horrible hurtful things and then either the next day or days later comes and apologizes and admits he was fighting for his rights.i am so confused.this has been going on for years.often times I feel like he is hiding something from me-living a double life? he speaks like he knows the bible and even judges our pastor for not knowing it, he was brought up in a very religious home where his dad was a minister and was treated like a all knowing god in their home. my husband was the black sheep and brought much disappointment to his family(in thier opinion of him)ALL his anger and hatred and bitterness toward himself and everyone else seems to come at me over little issues that I believe husband and wives should be able to tell each other things and genuinely communicate. he does not know communication or he is not able because he really struggles with coming under any authority esp. in church,he does not seem to have a teachable spirit(not for me,I mean God)I am not his teacher,i know that. i am so very tired of the hurt and frustration.our children have gown up hearing their dad curse the pastor and then when he is feeling better being a brother to him.it seems so hypicritical.yet somehow i believe that he truly does want to honour God but he does not really intimiately know Jesus.i used to think that I see God in him and God has huge plans for him but lately all this is piling up and i am loosing sight. ever since his mom passed away it is like he is not really here with me or for me. he has even said to me that I will never compare to her, and yet she was,at times,very critical and judgemental toward him.he never heard her tell him she loved him growing up but since we have met and we are very open with words of love,she began saying it back to him(there was 5 kids and he was the 2nd youngest)then he apologized . All thisicomes out in bits and pieces as I share with you (the first tiime I have ever opened up to anyone about all of this).I did read your section about personal convictions. it helped remind me.Thank you April.Please give me any insight into this from what you see on the outside.I am so engulfed in it.
LikeLike
Deb,
How bad have things gotten, my dear sister? What are some of the worst things that have happened that you have done and that he has done? (just in general?)
Have you gone to a godly counselor or godly wife mentor or pastor?
How do you try to share with him when you disagree? How long ago did you give up responding in anger and lashing out at him?
It has been what about a month since his mom passed away?
How is your time with God going, my dear sister? What are you reading? What are you praying for? Are you resting in Him and abiding in Him?
Much love to you!
I invite you to check out my Youtube channel video about taking our thoughts captive for Christ.
Much love to you!
LikeLike
Tina,
I am so sorry for your pain! My prayer is that you will cling to Christ and allow Him to radically change and heal you no matter what your husband does or does not do. You are welcome to search my home page for:
– when your husband says I’m done
– identity in Christ
– security
– filled with the Holy Spirit
– resting in Christ
– godly femininity
Much love to you! Praying for God’s healing for you both and for His greatest glory in your lives!
LikeLike
Tina,
That sounds like a super painful situation. 😦 I’m so sorry that you are going through this trial.
What is your relationship with Christ Jesus?
Would you like to talk about your greatest fears?
What do you think you need to be content in life?
I would love to point you to the healing power that is available to you in Christ! Thankfully, He is able to take a big mess and turn it into something beautiful for His glory and our ultimate good.
Much love!
April
LikeLike
Hi April,
Thank you, I miss our conversations on FB, Since our home fire back in Feb and months before, my husband and I have been struggling. I started reading more and more of my Bible and scriptures on marriage and praying. I read most of Love and Respect. I had such a hard time with actions of my husband. One minute he was trying hard and then he wasn’t. He moved out 2 wks after the fire and has been living on his own and even though I see him daily he has changed so much. We recently went in the same car on a trip but each stayed with our parents where we traveled. We saw each other with our daughter and it was a struggle. On the way home there was so much traffic and my husband was texting and driving. I was so upset and I blurted out for him to stop and he became angry. Unfortunately that set the tone for the whole trip home and he blurted out it was the last trip I would ever be on with him. My biggest fears are not having a family that is together. Not having a whole family. I don’t want a broken family for my kids. I don’t want to live alone. I like the comfort of having my husband next to me at night. I have a fear he is with another woman and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have read many of your posts and will continue to read. I started reading your book April and the first few pages made me cry, because it described me. And its super hurtful when my husband says your so bad you have to read a book to fix you. But he keeps saying “he’s done”. But I keep saying that I am never giving up, that God doesn’t want us to give up, he is for marriage. My problem is, I don’t know how to NOT focus on my husband. I have always taken care of our family, my husband, our home…….How do I stop focusing on my husband? Will he think I am happy about being separated and want the divorce……April, I am a work in progress and I appreciate you so much!
Much love to you.
LikeLike
Tina,
My sweet sister! It is so good to hear from you. It sounds like there is still a lot of pain. 😦
I’m super excited to hear how you are seeking Christ and God and that you desire to allow Him to change you and that you want to work on your end of things. That is AWESOME!!!!!
Your husband is not in a good place spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, I think, my sister. I think he is devastated after the fire. I think he may be feeling overwhelmed, maybe depressed, and maybe a lot of other negative things, too. You can’t fix or change him. But you can continue to focus on your walk with Christ and on allowing God to transform you to be the woman He desires you to be no matter what your husband does or does not do.
I have so many posts about how to not focus so much on your husband, how to put Christ first instead of our husbands – which we tend to have a hard time doing, as wives.
Please search my home page for:
– how to make your husband an idol
– idol/idols/idolatry
– submission means holding things of this world loosely (talking especially about submitting to Christ)
– fear
– when your husband says, “I’m done”
– contentment
– lordship of Christ
– oneness
– enmeshed
– separation paradox
– security
– identity
– resting in Christ
– how to be filled with the Holy Spirit
– waiting becomes sweet
You can still love your husband, but there will be a separating from him emotionally/spiritually. You will cling to Christ fiercely and hold your husband very loosely in your hands (and everything else in this life, too). You will love him with God’s love, seeking what is best for him, but not depending on him for security or to meet the deepest needs of your soul. Then you can be steady and rock solid in Christ no matter what your husband does or does not do. Right now, don’t absorb everything your husband says to you. Examine it in the light of God’s Word in prayer before receiving what he says. He is hurting deeply and is lashing out in pain. You are seeking Christ, and are going to be healing spiritually and you will have more and more of God’s power to respond in His ways.
Let’s let God handle your husband and his decisions and feelings. Your job is primarily to allow Christ to be in charge in your life and to yield control fully to Him to allow Him to show you anything that needs to go and then to allow Him to help you rebuild your life on His Word and His truth alone.
Praying for God’s healing for you, your husband, and your daughter, my dear sister!
Much love!
April
LikeLike
Hi April,
Yes, there is so much pain. I am going to read every post you suggested and stay in prayer. I am not in control, I know this and I have to let God handle this. I know it won’t happen over night. Its so hard to watch my husband detach from me. I used to do everything for him and I hate seeing him struggle. I want to become a Peaceful and more Godly wife and I pray its not too late.
Much love to you!,
Tina
LikeLike
This is a very powerful lesson to learn as wives. We tend to DO everything for the ones we love, especially our husbands and kids, but it is important for our men to feel worthy by participating and doing for his family as well. Sometimes, we don’t mean to, but we strip our men of the opportunity to become a blessing for their family also. They cannot look in a mirror and be proud of their contribution and instead, feel useless, not needed and not wanted. They then recede and shut down, lost, alone and feel huge rejection. This tends to follow closely with enabling.
It took a long time for me to realize I was doing this. It feels so unloving to us women to NOT do things for our loved ones, but think how useless you would feel if you were not allowed to help, or do nice things because someone was always beating you to the punch? As I have backed off and let my husband take care of himself and let him do things for us in his own timing and way, I have seen my husband start to come out of his shell. He now calls on his way home to offer to pick up milk, he comes home 1-2 nights a week earlier to help transport or watch the kids. Sure, I could do all those things and run around crazy, but that chapter lifestyle is a circus act about to topple. Our husbands don’t want to see us frantic, stressed and working ourselves to death. They may not realize that our motive is out of love, they see it as control instead.
I pray that you learn to trust in God’s way, timing and plans and learn to give your husband lots of room to explore, try and make mistakes. And he WILL make mistakes, but God can lead you through your husband…Even if he isn’t a beleiver. As long as he isn’t asking you to sin, break the law or hurt others, can you respectfully follow your husband? Work on letting your husband discover his own worth, his own place and ability to ptovide. You don’t have to do it all. You will fry and become tired trying to do it all. Look into yourself and ask why you feel you have to do all this? Can you ask your husband for help and let his way be okay? Even if it is not the way you would do it? If your husband feels like a kept man, he will never be able to ferl like a provider, and that is a staple of a man’s soul…to be able to provide for his family.
I pray that you find some quiet time with God to really ask Him to show you in your heart how you can be a blessing to your husband in a new way. I pray you can see a different viewpoint to what might be going on with him. I pray you find the strength and courage to have a respectful and loving conversation with your husband if you feel called to do so. Lots of love and prayers for you today. I pray you can be a light for your husband through Christ to shine in the darkness your husband is trapped in. Amen.
LikeLike
Tina,
I know this part is super painful! But I believe it is actually the launchpad to healing for you both in Christ. Praising God that you are willing to seek Him and allow Him to help you change in the ways He desires you to. As you focus on Him and allow Him to fill you and transform your heart, mind, and soul, you will become the woman you have always wanted to be and He will empower you to face each challenge with His strength. There are so many treasures and blessings of God to discover in this time of intense trials. I pray you won’t miss one of the good things God has for you in this time. Take your time. Go slowly. Dig deeply. Listen to God. And rest in His sovereignty and love as He works in your life.
Much love!
LikeLike
Thank you April. I’m gonna work hard! I can’t do it alone and I’m so blessed to have your guidance as well as my other sisters in Christ helping me! I feel very blessed to know I’m not alone and there is hope!
Tina
LikeLike
Tina,
The awesome thing is that it will not be your hard work, but Jesus’ work that does the changing in you. You are not alone. There is every reason for hope! I am praying for you and your husband today.
Much love!
LikeLike
Hi Dearest Tina,
I know exactly what you mean.when my husband and I were separated, we had 3 little children with one on the WY. I used to beg God to take away my hope because it was hurting too much to see what was happening to us .I tried yelling g,screaming,crying and cold shoulder to try to get what I really wanted-my husband to love me like he used to.it would feel like I was crazy with pain and being out of control.I would pray ,then panic because I was not trusting God,I was trusting me in my heart.our battlefield is our mind.only Jesus is our Victor. He really truly knows what is best for each of us buto it is so hard to give over that “control”when we have been doing it for a long time.I had to moment by moment ,every time a destroying thought would cause fear and worry,give it to Jesus and spake out loud to myself “Jesus will take care of me ,our children,my husband. The battle belongs to my Lord” it caused faith to rise up because the thoughts could not destroy me.I even began thanking God out loud for my Godly husband who honored God. ( he was not at all. ) but declaring it ,helped me focus on what only God could do, not me.
I hope this helps my dear sister.you are never alone.Your heavenly Father loves you unconditionally for eternity and we love you too.you shall overcome with and in Jesus.
LikeLike
Love this. Thank you so much, Deb!
Here is a video I posted yesterday on my Youtube channel about taking our thoughts captive that is just alone these lines.
LikeLike
Jackie,
It can be so tempting to focus on the waves of the storm, but then we sink and begin to drown, just like Peter when he began to walk on the water toward Jesus but looked at the storm, he began to sink. I am so sorry for the difficult, painful experience you are going through – but how I pray you will not miss one drop of the good things and treasures Jesus has for you and your spiritual growth in the midst of this storm.
Praying for God’s healing and glory for you both!
LikeLike
Dear April,
I sat in a pit of yuck for about 6 months, drowning in self-pity and “why why why”. I renewed my focus and now have very few moments of self-pity. God is awesome! His promises are true. Lord Jesus takes my hand and moves me through the much to solid ground and I am grateful ❤ Remaining focused and feeling blessed more and more each day ❤
Thank you for the prayers. You and your family are in mine.
LikeLike
I tend to gravitate to this blog for encouragement on days like this. When spending a day with my husband shows me how far away from me he is and how he doesn’t enjoy my company, but would rather be on his phone in a theme park in the first date opportunity in over a year (the kids were in rides with their friends independently all day.) Then we get home and he leaves straight away to visit friends and comes back home to bed wreaking of alcohol and snoring so load I end up on the couch. This prayer helps me refocus my own prayers. I would be so lonely and miserable if it weren’t for God.
LikeLike
Anonymous,
That is kind of what I did the first few years of this journey when Greg wasn’t feeling safe with me and he was so shut down and distant and I felt lonely. I didn’t have any blogs like this, but I would go to my prayer journal and Bible or I would study about how men think (For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn) or read about becoming a godly wife and throw myself completely into learning all I could to understand Greg better and to understand what it meant to be a godly woman and wife and to try to wrap my head around God’s design for marriage. I learned to turn to God and to seeking to grow spiritually and emotionally myself in those very lonely times. Now I am super thankful for those precious times with God and times of growth. I wouldn’t be where I am spiritually now without that long period of loneliness.
If your husband has issues with alcoholism, I would encourage you to check out Celebrate Recovery for yourself for encouragement and support.
Much love to you! And the biggest hug!
LikeLike
Hi April- I had posted a question about tithing and I m not seeing it here-just wandering if it got thru to you? I posted it on my tablet so I wasnt sure if you received it-Thanks and take care
LikeLike
Today I went to church after missing the last few due to kids events and schedules. I hate missing church. My husband thinks it is my “next obsession”. But I have never felt at peace until 1.5 years ago, in my craft room, I felt God touch me when I reached to Him for help after my husband asked for a divorce. Lately he teases me if I say my thoughts on something or disagree…he says “just find the Jesus in it” then laughs. To him, my spirituality is a joke. I have come soooo far in this relatively short time. My kids think it’s a joke cause dad is “cooler than me” because he doesn’t go to church. I have become the butt of jokes with the family and people I love most. All in the name of Jesus. Now obviously church itself is not more important than my husband or kuds to me, but God is. I don’t need church to feel close to God. But it helps me, I learn, I am taught another perspective besides my own. I find peace in the word of God and listening is a huge learning technique for me. I don’t care how much I am chastised for my beliefs. Jesus said in the bible that a man’s enemies will be found in his own household Matt 10:36. Wow, not that they are my enemies, but even family is not above God.
I have been feeling so down about the state of my marriage. My husband refuses to nuture our marriage, change, help, try something new, learn something new, go to a counselor, nothing. I know I can’t change him, only God can. But I’m so discouraged at how far away my husband is from God and how the enemy is using that to drag my kids down too. It makes me angry and helpless.
Today, our pastor talked about the bleeding woman who reached out to touch Jesus as He was on His way to help Jair us whose daughter had died. (Mark 5 :21-43). As the pastor was explaining the perspective of Jesus, it struck me how this woman must have felt in her time. She was basically having a continuous menstrual cycle for 12 YEARS!!! Holy cow! But at that time, a woman was considered unclean during her time of the month. Unclean meant that she was “unfit to be in the presence of God” (Lev 15:25). She was not to touch anyone nor anyone touch her while she was unclean until she was done with her cycle and had purified her body. So, this woman, for 12 years was not touched, and could not touch. She was repelled, rejected, dismissed and ignored. She tried everything in her own power to get well. She saw many doctors and spent all she had, but was getting worse, not better. She so wanted to be healed. When she saw Jesus a large gathering was around Him, but in her desperation, she clamored towards Him. She felt that Jesus was so powerful and could do anything, that merely touching the hem of His robe would heal her. In her final desperation, she reached out towards Him and touched His clothes. At that moment, Jesus felt His power transfer to someone. There was a huge crowd bumping into Him, yet only this one woman who touched his hem was noticed. He said “Who touched me?” She came forward, told Him the truth. She risked making Jesus unclean by reaching out to touch Him! Jesus! But her faith made her well and Jesus blessed her because of it.
In the same way, we as woman, humans, often try in our own power to solve our problems, we look for answers from sources other than God. Knowledge experts, doctors. Our own thoughts and experiences. Yet we exhaust ourselves searching for answers and only get worse. Until we finally reach out….to actively touch God, will we ever be healed. It’s too bad that we wait and try everything else first. Often, Gid is our LAST DESPERATE ATTEMPT, because we don’t know what to do. Desperation tends to cloud our judgement and leads us to take extreme measures that we wouldn’t normally take. If only we went to God first! How often do we “rub shoulders with Gid”, but do not really reach out to touch him? We can be in a crowd at the mall, or a parade and be physically touching others, jostling around, but we are not reaching to connect, touch, be changed or affected by others. A handshake or eye to eye communication is different than shoulder to shoulder touching.
I vow to reach out to God first, and not let Him be my last, desperate attempt. I am discouraged, tired and sad, but I know that I have not been in God’s presence as much as I need to lately. Even though I didn’t want to miss church, I did, but it defiantly affected me. I am fasting today and I feel temptation, but I am trusting God to pull me through this. I know that as I focus this week on the bleeding lady and trusting in my Lord, I will be healed.
As wives, I think we sometimes consume ourselves in doing things of this earth to save our marriages. We will do anything and everything….but reach out to God. We are confused by our failed attempts, our failed control, our failed ideas…because they are all stemming from our own power, not God’s power. A mere touch of His robe healed 12 years of physical and emotional pain for her. Imagine the healing God has for us if we trust and beleive in Him?
Today I pray for all the hurting women (and men) who are struggling to trust God in their lives and marriages. Struggling with dissapointment because all their efforts have failed to give the desired result. Struggling to reach out and touch while surrounded by people just like us, who desire connection and healing. I know I can reach out to touch, to help someone, to be a blessing to others. I am willing to reach out for God’s outstretched hand to walk on water with Him.
I pray that the enemy is chased away from our spouses and family and thrown down in his attempts to kill, steal and destroy. I rebuke satan for his attempts to distract me by the pressing thoughts of my pain, my self pity and my injustices. God is my redeemer and He is fighting for me and with me. In Jesus’ name, I declare victory for His children who are seeking to reach out and touch Him. Amen!
LikeLike
April,
Thank you for this article. I read it almost daily. It’s an encouragement and reminder to focus on these truths instead of the fear, rejection, and pain that come from my husband’s actions. Your website and book are a great comfort and resource. Thanks for all you’re doing to help so many.
LikeLike
I needed this today. I am feeling on the edge of brokenness…. My DH FINALLY went over to our mutual friends house last night who is a pastor after 6 weeks since he left me. Our mutual friend had stopped by to see me yesterday afternoon to see how I was and to tell me he has been inviting DH over for over a month with no success. (He would say he had other plans etc. He is only hanging out with non christian friends who don’t believe in marriage and are not correcting him in any way) He planned to invite him again last night because he wasn’t giving up on him and said he would let me know how it goes. I said I just want to know if he looks healthy as last time I saw him he didn’t.
I got a message this morning. He said ‘I am caught in a very tough place right now. For friendship’s sake, I do not feel it is my place to speak to any details. But I do want to let you know he seems well and it did not appear that he was using drugs- at least nothing heavy. He looked healthy enough to my eyes. As usual, he did not speak much to personal feelings. I wish I had more to give you, but I think this is all I can do right now. Please know my heart is heavy for you both. My wife and I are praying for you both’.
I’m shaking, feeling terror, thinking that DH has announced that he is with someone else to our friend and everyone else but me. God please take my fear. I don’t know what to think. I feel like I am so in the dark sometimes I start to have FEAR again. I’m so torn and I pray my husband isn’t having an affair although deep down I know he is and has been most likely.
Any advice?
LikeLike
Bethany,
My precious sister…
First of all, I PRAISE GOD that your husband went to your pastor friend’s house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO! THAT IS A GREAT THING!
And praise God that this pastor kept things confidential. He should do that no matter what your husband shared with him. That is a godly man.
And praise God that your pastor friend and his wife are covering this broken situation with prayer! WOOHOO!
I vote not to listen to the enemy’s accusations and “what if” game. I know it is tempting. Very tempting to try to guess the worst possible case scenario and run with it in your mind. But you have nothing to go on and no proof that this is what has happened. Satan LOVES to get us in this awful snare.
Check out “How Satan Would Love to Destroy Your Marriage Through Your Thought Life”
Let’s take a deep breath. Let’s get our eyes on Jesus – the sovereign King of kings and Lord of lords. Let’s wait on His work in your life and in your husband’s life. This is uncomfortable. A lot of people try to force answers at this point because they would rather get divorced and know about it now than to just wait on God and on His Spirit to work. Most people don’t want to rest in God’s love, provision, and sovereignty. Most people don’t want to trust God with a bad situation but try to take things in their own hands. Then they ruin it even more than it already was.
Sing praise songs to God. Write down a list of everything you can think of to be thankful for. Lay your husband at God’s feet. Lay your dreams, yourself, your life, your career, your future, your purpose, your everything, your motives, all of it – at His feet. Just be still before Him. Be still and know that He is God. Experience His presence. Soak in His love. Breathe in His grace and truth. Lie still on the operating table and allow Him access to the darkest corners of your heart, mind, and soul, to let Him remove anything that has gangrene or cancer. Stop fighting. Relax. Rest in His love for you and gaze into His eyes blazing with love for you, my precious sister. He is your Very Great Reward.
Much love!
LikeLike
April,
My worst nightmare just happened. It was just confirmed that my husband is expecting a child with the other woman. He still hasn’t told me himself. Please pray for me. I can’t feel anything but I’ve already forgiven him because God has prepared me. What do I do?
Bethany
LikeLike
Bethany,
Oh no!!!!!!!! 😦
I am so very sorry!
This breaks my heart – and he hasn’t even told you yet? How I pray God will open his eyes to what he has done and the awful path he is on and how many lives he has the opportunity to hurt. 😦
At this point, cling to Christ and wait to see what God prompts you to do and to see what your husband says and does. How I hate sin! But I praise God that you and even your husband are not beyond His reach.
Much love to you!
LikeLike
No and his friend says he was never planning to tell me. He just blocked me from facebook. She announced it on her page. Evidently she’s only just found out. A friend discovered it and told my sister who messaged my husband, telling him that she heard he may have gotten another woman pregnant and he needs to tell me. He read the message then never responded. HIs friend confirmed it was true. What’s worse is his family has known for a week and didn’t think it was their place to tell me. He left me May 4th and she is supposedly due mid February…. I am crush beyond and I’m scared to wake up tomorrow. I was given Isaiah 54 this morning from the LORD. I feel like God is telling me He will restore this situation. Apparently my husband is in a very very bad place emotionally and physically and mentally. I’m so hurt for him. I just texted him “I know and I already forgive you” He has not responded to me. I’m so scared to go through the pain day after day that this will bring…..
Bethany
LikeLike
Bethany,
Wow. 😦
This is a REALLY TOUGH situation – it is hard for me to even wrap my head around this latest development. I want to support you as much as I can, my precious sister. I can see why his family didn’t feel like it was their place to tell you. Who would ever want to deliver this kind of news to a wife? 😦
Lord,
We lift up Bethany, her husband, this other woman, this baby, and the whole situation to You. We praise and thank You that You are at work, that You are sovereign, that You are completely able to make something so beautiful from this mess. Help Bethany to rest in Your love, to allow You to radically transform her, and to trust her husband to You. We pray for Your healing for both of them and we pray together against Satan’s plans to steal, kill, and destroy this couple and their marriage.
Amen!
Right now, he is not ready to come back. There will have to be SERIOUS repentance, brokenness, and rebuilding of trust before you could begin to establish a godly marriage. But I do want to encourage you that I have seen God heal marriages where things have gotten this bad. Neither of you are beyond the reach of Jesus. My greatest concern right now is your spiritual well-being, your healing in Christ, and that you be as close to God as possible. Yes, he is obviously in a very bad place. 😦 SOOOO heartbreaking!
How can we pray for you and support you, my precious sister?
Much love!
April
LikeLike
April,
I don’t know what is wrong with me today! It’s like everything that was a positive about the message I didn’t see (you easily saw it!) and I translate it with the worst case scenario. I am praying out loud right now against the spirit of fear that has been growing inside of me. I know that God can take care of my husband. I need to lay it all down before Him.
You’re right about it being uncomfortable. It feels like everyone else knows what’s going on except for me.
The week after he left I prayed diligently for this friend to make contact with him and for him to be spoken to my a godly man. Praise God that our friend told him on the phone that week that he believes that reunification is the godly way and that he will not bend on that. He told him that he is his friend no matter what but that DH knows how he believes regarding marriage. I don’t know what conversations took place last night but I can rest in the fact that DH willingly hung out with him knowing what his stance was. Maybe he wanted someone to give him godly direction and guidance. Who knows.
Please pray against this terrible aching in my heart. It is hurt and fear and I haven’t felt it in my heart quite this strong since this nightmare began. I selfishly just want this pain to be over and him to be home. I know that it is because I feel unloved, but I can feel completely loved in Christ. This is what I need to focus on tonight. Sometimes I think I just need to cry…. I don’t cry that much…
I know that If God loves me this much, He loves DH much more than I could. He wants him to be drawn to himself. There’s nothing I can do to accomplish His purpose. There’s nothing I can do… I have to keep repeating that and surrendering it. I feel like a discombobulated mess today. I am not even attempting to make this post linear or make sense at this point…. Just a lot of jumbled thoughts.
Bethany
LikeLike