“Placing My Higher Sexual Appetite under God’s Control” – a guest post
I appreciate both wives today sharing their stories about this difficult topic. So thankful for all that God is doing in our midst! Whether I am the higher drive spouse or the lower drive spouse at the time – God calls me to learn to be more selfless, giving, patient, respectful, and understanding. He can use the variations in libido in a marriage to help each of us learn to be content in Him alone and to learn to seek to please Him far above anything or anyone else. This is an area where we must all learn to die to self. When we do, there are great blessings in store for us spiritually, and maybe even healing sexually for the marriage.
(Note – this post is not written for wives who are being sexually abused or physically abused. If that is your situation, or if you are dealing with active drug/alcohol addictions or u repentant adultery, please seek godly, experienced, trusted help one-on-one. If you or your husband are struggling with porn, please check out the links to resources at the bottom of the post.)
FROM A SISTER IN CHRIST WHO IS BEGINNING TO TAKE SERIOUS STEPS ON THIS JOURNEY:
So the other day I wrote a really long comment about part of my journey, but it was lost along the way. The funny thing is, writing about it helped me to work through some of my feelings. I am going to try to remember the jist of what I wrote, because I think it was definitely a lightbulb moment for me.
Of course, my journey has been a little different, but we all have different journeys.
A LIGHT BULB MOMENT
I get a devotional in my inbox each day from Dr. Charles Stanley. This one was about controlling our appetites. And what he said really jumped out at me. Now, I don’t have too much trouble controlling my appetite for food (says the girl who is sitting here eating jellybeans as she types this!) 🙂 But I do have trouble with my appetite for intimacy with my husband. See, I am in the awkward position of having the higher sex drive in our relationship, and that has tortured me for a long time.
(Note from Peacefulwife – this is actually pretty common for a wife to be higher drive, especially as couples enter into their 30s/40s and beyond. It isn’t that unusual at all, especially, it seems, if the wife is the stronger personality and the husband is more passive.)
As you know, I have struggled greatly with his lower libido. I have allowed our situation to make me feel uglier, unappreciated, and completely worthless as a wife and a woman. Finally, recently, I have begun to see and understand my worth in Christ, and that helps a great deal. So often I need to refocus. Like, daily. But here is what jumped out at me from the devotion:
“Human appetites, in themselves, are not sinful. In fact, they’re God-given. However, because of our fleshly weaknesses, they need to be controlled. When our appetites rule us, we’re in trouble.”
You see, my appetite for intimacy with my husband has been ruling me.
I’ve been allowing my desire for my husband and the imbalance in our libidos to consume me, and to control my thoughts and waste my time. For so long, I prayed that God would take away my desires for my husband, but He has not. I think He may be using our situation to grow me. To grow us. Granted, our situation isn’t the typical one, but so what?
For me, it’s not about the “release” (I really hate that word). It’s about the connection with my husband, and my husband only. He is happy to connect once a week, which is far, far, far too little for my taste. As anyone who has struggled with this issue knows, the spouse with the lower libido has all the control and that can be incredibly frustrating and can feel demeaning.
I have allowed my frustrations to control my thoughts and emotions, and for my thoughts to control me. I have allowed my fretting over this to monopolize my time. I think me being stuck here has been pleasing to Satan, because it has seriously limited my time with God.
A NEW PERSPECTIVE
So I finally realized, my desire for my husband is not a bad thing. It is not the curse I was beginning to think it was. It is a God-given appetite and it is good. However, I need to learn to control my appetite. The problem here isn’t my husband’s lower desire, but perhaps it is my out-of-control appetite.
So just this week I’ve begun working on things I’ve been procrastinating about, like cleaning the storage room. I have been neglecting my duties because I have been wallowing in self-pity. I’ve been wasting so much time being hyper-focused on this issue.
I’ve decided to stop praying for God to take away my desire for my husband. I am going to try to squash my appetite when it gets too intense, just like I have learned to squash cravings for junk food. I need to redirect myself.
Honestly, I’m not sure if this is totally what I’m supposed to be learning about this, but it sure feels like a step in the right direction. And it sure beats feeling ugly and worthless all of the time. And my husband has been much more relaxed and happier the past couple days. I guess he can sense my more pleasant demeanor.
I know he doesn’t like it when I feel so badly about myself, and he has even shared that he feels really badly that he makes me feel so badly. He doesn’t actually make me feel badly on purpose, it’s like a side effect. But in order to bless him, I need to learn to control my feelings, and my thoughts especially when they head in a negative direction. I might make this sound easy, but trust me – for me it is not easy! But I’m going to try. And I’ll fail. And I’ll try again. 🙂
FROM ANOTHER WIFE WHO HAD A HIGHER DRIVE:
I was the more dominant personality and my husband was more passive earlier in our marriage. My attempts to control extended to our physical intimacy, too, unfortunately. My husband was working extremely long hours at a very physically demanding job and was completely exhausted most evenings, not even getting to bed until midnight or 1am – which didn’t help matters, of course. (He was not addicted to porn.)
I’m so thankful for what God has shown me about being a more peaceful wife. What eventually worked for my own sanity and to bless my husband was for me to back off, give him more space, grace, and time instead of expecting intimacy every night. I learned to be patient and to be content in Christ no matter what my husband was or was not doing – to stop using the number of times per week/month we had intimacy as a measure of my husband’s love for me or as a measure of my security like this blog talks about.
I learned to really respect him, to accept that his libido was lower than mine in this season (rather than assume “he must not love me” as I had done earlier), to honor him, and to be more selfless. I stopped verbally pressuring him (which I had been doing just about every day) and began to enjoy whatever attention and affection he did give to me. I sought to be joyfully receptive to any advances by him but God also helped me see I needed to not to hold any bitterness or resentment against my husband on the days or even weeks when he was too tired.
I learned to focus on good things and to set down my expectations and stop focusing on self, but rather focus on allowing Christ to change me. I learned that I had been really selfish in so many ways (not just in this area) and that my particular husband was emotionally wounded from my approach in the marriage and needed time to heal. He also needed a break from his extremely demanding work schedule.
Now I can be content with lots of intimacy with my husband or with no intimacy. In the power of Christ, I can be content in all circumstances through Him who gives me strength! (Phil. 4:12-13)
For us, over the course of several months, as I gave my husband more space and time and as I learned to respect and honor him – his libido began to increase again. His work schedule also improved dramatically which has been a great help and now we both enjoy intimacy often and it is a blessing to both of us again.
FOR THOSE WIVES WITH A HIGHER DRIVE:
The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage
When You Feel Deprived in Marriage
Fully Trusting God with My Husband
Respect, Attraction, and Biblical Submission
When Your Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to You
What Is Attractive to Husbands?
Oneness in Marriage- Not Too Close, but Not Too Far Away (not being enmeshed or codependent or having husband as an idol)
I Was Sure I Would NEVER Make My Husband into an Idol
FOR THOSE WIVES WITH A LOWER LIBIDO:
Book Review – Unlock Your Libido by Bonny Burns
I Feel Like Just a Piece of Meat to My Husband Sometimes
The Respect Dare – Taking Initiative Sexually
FOR WIVES WHOSE HUSBANDS ARE INVOLVED IN PORN:
The Peaceful Wife 
In reading these two stories, I’m left wondering about the state that they are in. Yes, they both say that they have a higher-drive than their husbands, and yes, they are dealing with their frustrations in a godly manner. But from what is presented, I’m unable to determine if their situations are merely higher drives or gatekeeping/refusal. The former is not a sin; the latter is.
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curmudgeonlylibrarian,
The husbands will answer to God for any sin. And if the wives feel that their husbands are sinning against them (i.e.: purposely withholding sex), they may certainly choose to respectfully, humbly confront their husbands about their sin. There can be times that may be necessary. Thank you so much for this point. I don’t think gatekeeping was an issue with either of these particular stories – but it could be in some situations.
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April, I agree with you 100% that in resolving any situation, or amending issues in any type of relationship, we should focus on our own response because we can control no one but ourselves. Each writer stated that her husband has a lower libido, therefore I took it that the problem was just that – a lower libido and it did not seem that there was any issue of “gatekeeping/refusal.”
However, while I cannot speak to the intent of Curmudgeonlylibrarian, I did not get the impression that she was saying that we should focus on what the husbands are doing. My impression was that she was saying that she wondered whether the root cause of the problem was just lower libido or gatekeeping. She was also pointing out that while one is a sin, the other is not.
I do think that regardless of the fact that we should focus on our own response to solving a problem, it is also appropriate that we identify the true cause of the problem; therefore I think her point has some merit. Knowing the true cause of a problem will not change the fact that we are to focus on our own responses, but it will help us know how to pray.
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prayinglikehannah,
Thank you for sharing your insights. 🙂 True, low libido – or even just depression or being very wounded – is not a willful sin. Gatekeeping (purposely refusing sex to a spouse) is sin 1 Cor. 7:3-5.
I didn’t intend to say we should not address sin. I hoped my response conveyed that YES this is a good point, that if a husband is purposely withholding sex, that would be something a wife may need to respectfully confront. I agree that Curmudgeonlylubrarian’s point has merit, which is why I agreed that there are times we need to confront sin in our husbands’ hearts. My apologies that maybe I didn’t express that clearly. Thank you for helping me to clarify.
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prayinglikehannah, two quick points.
First, your take on my comment is correct, I was wondering what the root problem might be.
Second, my wife will tell you that even though I am a librarian, I’m all man. One who has achieved “coot status, too. 🙂
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Curmudgeonlylibrarian,
Thanks for clarifying! My apologies, again. 🙂 It is important to try to find the root problem of situations like this. Thank you for the important point!
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🙂 Actually, for a split second it did cross my mind that the commenter could be male or female. It wasn’t the librarian moniker at all, I guess “woman” is my default thought here. Thanks for correcting me.
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I wonder if perhaps some of the difficulty couples face with mismatched libidos can be due to postponing sex (and most physical intimacy) for until after marriage? Sex (or its absence) can play such an important role in marriage, it seems risky to have no idea about sexual compatibility until after marriage?
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Sarah,
I know some people feel this is the main cause of problems – and I do agree that there are some people who have issues who wait to have sex in marriage. The biggest issues I have seen with that is when one fiance claims that “God has taken away his/her sexual desire and they have zero temptation to want sex before marriage with the person to whom they are engaged.” That is often a big red flag that there are going to be problems later. Namely – that person is probably not going to be interested in sex after marriage, either. But this can be uncovered in proper, godly counseling – or it should be! I have posts about “red flags” on my site http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.com for ladies to be aware of. Of course, there can also be major issues when spouses had sex with other people and then they compare other past lovers to the new spouse. And there are issues many times if couples have sex before marriage together – as it can erode trust and hurts their intimacy with God and hurts their future sexual relationship in marriage because sex outside of marriage is destructive. God’s design is that we are to save sex for marriage.
I actually don’t find that most variations in libido are because of a couple not knowing how each other would be after marriage. What I have found in the last few years of ministry, is that it is often events or medical issues or just stages of life that seem to affect libido. Men tend to have a greater libido in their 20s. Women tend to have a greater libido in their late 30s or 40s. Women tend to have a lower libido when they have young children and are completely exhausted. Men and women who are extremely stressed or overworked and very sleep deprived tend to have lower drive. People with certain medical issues or prescription medications have issues. People going through major trauma emotionally or spiritually may have problems in this area. Husbands who feel really disrespected may have a lower level of desire for sex. Wives who feel unloved may have a lower level of desire for sex. Of course, if a husband is addicted to porn, his desire for his wife goes down and her desire may plummet if she knows about what he is doing because she feels betrayed.
There are phases of marriage and stages of life and circumstances and all kinds of trials that can impact this issue. Those are the things that seem to be the biggest problems, from my perspective. And it is really tough to prepare for those. It isn’t like you can marry someone who loves having sex with you every day when you are both 24 years old and your libido will never change. Hormones and sex drives change. They are not stable.
Thanks for the great question! 🙂
Much love!
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I find myself always wishing to know the ages of the posters and commenters as well as the number of years married. We go through seasons, cycles, and growth periods in marriage, and we are not all on the same timeline. I have been married for over thirty years and neither I nor my husband nor our marriage is the same now as it was in my twenties, thirties, forties, or even now fifties. The wives who have higher libidos now may have the lower drive in the next couple of years, and then it can revert back again. Life is fluid, and we need to understand that circumstances can change and flip flop rather quickly. That is why the root issue is learning to be content in whatever circumstance, or stage, or season of life we are in. This has been the case in my marriage in this area….we have both gone back and forth with higher or lower drives so knowing that things really can change rather quickly would be my encouragement for wives who are struggling with this right now.
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Eliza,
Love this! Thank you so much for sharing this important piece of wisdom! 🙂
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I love it too Eliza! 🙂
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Hello Eliza,
Thank you so much for sharing your personal insight. I have been married 20 years and am currently going through a dryer stage on my husband’s part. My husband is 43 and I am 42. He has been under a lot of stress at work and has gained some weight due to the stress – and he has told me several times now it isn’t me it’s just a phase of life right now. I am working steadily on becoming a respectful wife and this is one of the last areas I need to come to accept. We went through a very dry time with me when our children were little and my husband has asked me to be understanding toward him at the moment.
It helps to read your words on ebbs and flows within marriage. My problem is when I read negative stories I get afraid and worry this will become a permanent thing! I am working on finding contentment in Christ alone as well as trying to enjoy any physical closeness my husband gives me (which actually is a lot). I too am starting to write down all the ways my husband shows me love and saturate my brain in that so as not to become resentful.
April and this blog have helped me tremendously and it is very important that we share each other’s burdens and know we are not alone! Thank you for sharing!
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Stephanie,
What you shared is exactly what I am talking about. And how wonderful that you and your husband were able to discuss this so openly. I can completely understand how stress might be the reason for your husband right now. That has been an issue with me in the past. Stress is a huge contributing factor and greatly affects our hormonal function which will affect our libido and even ability to perform in this area. I actually went through early menopause in my late thirties because of something very stressful that happened in m life. That negatively affected my libido for years. My doctor even put me on testosterone for awhile (I DO NOT recommend taking this…I developed serious side effects).
My husband actually started to pray for me (with me) and that God would bless our marriage bed and make it what He designed it to be for us. God answered those prayers and blessed in a way I never could have imagined. I would encouraged those who are struggling in this area to at least be in prayer themselves (if your spouse is not willing or not comfortable at this point) for the Lord to reveal root causes and bring healing. The Lord definitely cares about this aspect of our marriages and He will provide wisdom and direction and even healing when we seek Him. I know the Lord usd this in our marriage to bring us closer together, and when the Lord did bring healing, it was so very encouraging to our faith.
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Eliza,
LOVE LOVE LOVE this! YES! We can pray for restoration for sexual intimacy if there is a problem. We can pray for unity and for God to reveal the root issues and bring healing. Thank you so very much for sharing your story, sweet sister! 🙂
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For so many years, I have been struggling with this problem with my marriage. But God really works in mysterious ways. Only when I followed April’s advice and reflected on my walk with Christ and slowly followed the Bible and became a submissive wife to my husband that our sexual problem was finally resolved! I served my husband, treated him like the king of our household (even if I earn higher than he does). Made him feel that he is the man of the house.
It was then that his desire for me slowly came back. For so many years, he did not initiate sex (although he doesn’t refuse when i initiate). But when I started doing my role as a Godly wife that’s when he began to initiate sex again a couple of times a week! Unbelievable, right?
I Thank God for you, April. Now I find joy in submitting to my husband and, in return, God has finally answered my prayers.
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Venus,
There is definitely something about a woman who takes over everything and who is disrespectful that is a big turn off for husbands – I know my own husband felt that way, too. So thankful to God for what He has been showing you and the healing He has provided in your soul and in your marriage. That is awesome! 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
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How long did it take to get better because my husband seems happy to keep me deprived four months in. He’s reaping all these benefits and I’m over wanting to tear my ovaries out so I don’t have this desire anymore.
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Michelle,
I feel like we are sharing the same boat! I am praying God take away my desire!!!!
I was married 30 years to a man that “was disgusted” at my enormous drives after I had a hysterectomy, only to find out he was cheating on me often with many dozen women over the entire marriage. After we divorced I met and married my husband, a really good Christian man who had been a bachelor for 15 years as he raised his sons.
We have been married 4 years now and sex is my problem. His libido or drive or desire is very low, mine is still skyrocketing; as you can guess Satan uses doubt from my first marriage to throw doubts into this one. I know he is faithful, no doubts there! I started a year ago with respect dare, after I sensed he was feeling very frustrated with me. It was starting to work as far as us growing closer.
Last fall his 34 year old son died of an overdose, things are so horrible! I am being supportive, I am trying to back off on sex, but I was initiating once a week until he said “is that all you ever think about?” I backed way off over the last 3 weeks, I am not sure how far to back off, I stopped asking for nightly smooches as he mentioned “come on, I need to sleep”, stopped cuddling “too close.”
Satan in the mean time is having a hay day with my emotions. I am crying a lot, I am not sure if masturbation is allowed. I am also so jealous of every woman who glances his way. My husband is so giving and kind to everyone. This past year has really sucked! (Please excuse the curse word.) He sees his ex a lot, as she is raising their granddaughter now – she is 16 and tattooed up and sexually too active, he also has another son dibbling on drugs and one who drinks too much and a daughter who cut him off after we got married, another granddaughter who announced she prefers girls.
My husband then looks at my kids and is critical, my kids are doing great and well adjusted. I NEVER throw that in his face. I also work, he is on disability, I never mention that. I go out of my way to let him (and everyone else) know he is my king of our home. I feel l lost my husband last fall. I pray he comes around. I am really doing my best to support his grief, just be there for him, not be too needy.
Lately I have lashed out, and now the repercussions are he is very distant. I need emergency measures to use, I need prayers, I need to know what the boundaries of being in the desert are (masturbate or not.) I cannot understand for the life of me how to feel God as my ultimate love. I love God and pray all the time, I want Heaven more than anything. I am envious of y’all who know God intimately. My husband does, he is so disciplined, God is all he has to get him through right now.
How am I supposed to feel good about me? My childhood was even about my dad loving me by molesting me. I forgave him and I get it, but it left an impression. OK, I guess that is enough. I just want to say I am SOOOOO grateful that other women feel this way. I need prayers as well as a jump start to how to stop the snowball from rolling into an avalanche.
God Bless You for this blog!!!!! I read you site all the time. Perhaps not enough. Lizzie
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Lizzie,
Whew! That is a lot of really tough stuff going on. 😦 I wish I could give you a big hug, my sister! I hate to hear about what happened in your first marriage and also about your step son passing. 😦 so heartbreaking!
If it is okay with you, I would like to try to hash through things a bit together starting with where you are spiritually. Would you be up for a spiritual check up? And then we might talk about what expectations you may have developed after your awful experience as a child and how your view of love may have been shaped that could be affecting you, still today. And then when we have you on more stable ground spiritually, we can talk about the stuff going on with your husband and his grief, if that sounds good.
Much love to you! There is great healing available for you in Christ. You CAN know Him intimately and He can heal your heart, mind, and soul. 🙂
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I want to figure this all out. I want to be a great wife, but have managed to goof up a lot. My spiritual walk is up for discussion. I worked thru enough of my childhood, I get it, but Satan uses it against me, as he does my first marriage. I am one giant guilt ball, I want to know God as my everything. Yes, I will talk
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sundaze1113,
I was just looking through your old comments. Goodness. The death of your husband’s son must have been such a tough blow last October. How is your husband doing? That throws a big wrench into things, I am sure. People handle grieving in different ways.
What do you believe about how you can be right with God?
How much time are you spending with God?
What do your quiet times look like?
What do you do and pray for and desire in your relationship with God?
What negative things do you believe about God, yourself, marriage, and your husband?
Much love to you and a HUGE hug!
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Lol, here it is November and it seems I am still stuck. I have made baby steps forward, at times the light goes on then I lose it. Yes, I will do a spiritual check up
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Genesis 3 ;16 Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you. (sounds like a curse allright)
Men dont like their wives to be sexually open all the time. They like to feel they are entering into your well kept secret garden. Dress feminine and smell nice. Keep that gate closed. Smile sweetly.and In no time he will be aroused and trying to open your gate 🙂
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Marie,
Thanks for sharing your insights. 🙂
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thanks for sharing this. It kinda gives me a small window in how my husband feels since I am the one with the lower sex drive. it helped me to see that my husband still cares for me and that as the author said I still need to draw near to God and be satisfied in Him. Because I believe that if I am more satisfied in Him that He will give me the ability to satisfy my husband in the way I should more. It is about His strength in us and not doing it in our own strength. Thank you for posting this!
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aprogressor,
When we are filled up to overflowing with God, He can give us the power and energy to give more of ourselves in many ways. If you need a resource for wives with lower libido, this post is a book review that may be helpful.
Glad this was a blessing to you. 🙂
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I am struggling immensely with this right now.
After four months of respect our relationship is definitely getting better and we have pulled back from the brink of divorce but we still haven’t had sex. I am starting to feel like I’m dying a little inside. I keep trying to redirect my thoughts and focus on God’s love for me. I have stayed away from books and movies with sex and romance. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to wait or when it’s appropriate to say something. I’ve been trying to wait it out since we spent the last 12 years fighting weekly about lack of sex. I’m hoping he will come around as he heals. I am trying to place this all in God’s hands. I don’t want to go the rest of my life without intimacy. It isn’t normal and it isn’t right.
I’m struggling with anger about it this week. One of my deepest fears that I’m working on with God is that I will give Him everything and he will decide not to give me anything. Not that He can’t heal us or give us children but I’m afraid He won’t, and since I don’t want to divorce or leave I feel pretty low about that. I know He will work everything out for my good, but I’m trying to accept that may be only in heaven. I’m very discouraged. And really I should be ENCOURAGED because he is hugging and kissing me and doing a lot around the house and that’s all a huge blessing from where we were four months ago. Why do I never feel like it’s enough?
I want a happy, intimate marriage and I want children and I’m afraid nothing else will ever be enough. Sure, I can say God is enough. I’m in my prayer room every day almost. I’m laying down dreams and tearing out idols. I want to please God. But I still want a good life, and I don’t know how to be “content with nothing”. If my only hope is to go to heaven when I die then why am I even here? I believe what God says is true and I’m trying to live by that, but the hurt is really strong right now. That old feeling of working my tail off just to still be unhappy is rearing its head. I don’t know if that’s depression or hormones or real.
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I hear you Michelle. Your story sounds similar to mine. Last year was this kind of year for us, as well. After months of dry spell, in november of last year, my husband’s desire came back full force.
However, I’m struggling again as he switched his anti-depressants about 2 weeks ago. Now he has 0 drive and I’m just praying it will return soon and that is not a lasting side effect. It is so painful to not have any desire for me after months of daily sex. I was thinking maybe I will get on birth control pills myself to curb my drive if needed.
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Michelle,
I was exactly where you are 2 years ago. However unlike you I refused God’s plan for marriage.
I’ve been separated for almost 2 years. Oh, of course I made it look like I was in the right. (I grew up a pastor’s daughter so it’s a cursed skill set I’ve learned). I focused so much on the things my husband wouldn’t do for me. It ate me up! By the time I was done with my marriage I couldn’t stand him. I hated him! I hated listening to him talk, I hated that he slept all day (he worked nights but I didn’t care), I hated that he could play with our baby but “never” had enough energy for me.
Now, he has a problem with alcohol abuse and it did need to be dealt with, but I went about it in the worst possible way. I planned the perfect way to force him to divorce me, or plan B was to push him to have an affair. How ugly right! That’s the thing about reality, it’s unique to your perspective and I had a plank I didn’t see. God is good though and He revealed to me how awfully I was behaving. By “biblical standards” I did everything right. Separation because of substance abuse isn’t frowned upon, usually it’s recommended. Divorce because of infidelity is allowed. It’s never about following the rules and looking good though. If that was the case we’d still be under old testament law. Jesus came to show us that it’s a heart issue. Where’s your heart at? The outside of my cup was shiny clean! Lol anyways, I sort of deviated from where I was going with this.
I completely understand that the way you feel connected with your husband is through physical intimacy. Sometimes, though, it doesn’t work out the way we want it to. Challenge yourself to avoid asking God to change your husband’s desire for you, instead ask that He change the way you see your husband. Keep a record of all the little things he does for you. God has been revealing those little things to me lately. I’ll be going through my day and remember something he used to do for me that made my life so much easier. It’s hard for me to realize I minimized all of that because it wasn’t what I wanted, when I wanted it, and how I wanted it, therefore it didn’t count.
It’s been about 2 years and because I have vowed to be obedient to God. I haven’t had intimacy in quite some time! Now I wish I could just sit and watch a movie with my husband, or know he’s sleeping peacefully in the next room while I tidy the house. So, moral of the long, somewhat scattered story lol… Please don’t let your need for intimacy turn into resentment toward your husband. Ask God to change the way you see him and take notice of all the other ways he is showing you love. Then show gratitude in a way he will appreciate. Remember, he is equally precious in God’s eyes and you wouldn’t want to complain to the Lord about one of His precious children. Trust me I know that’s hard but also, change happens when your perspective is changed.
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Samantha:
Wow, you have lots of nuggets of wisdom in this comment. “Now I wish I could just sit and watch a movie with my husband, or know he’s sleeping peacefully in the next room while I tidy the house.” Isn’t it sad that we sometimes frown at what we do have until we don’t have “even” that anymore?
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Samantha,
I really appreciate you sharing this wisdom that was learned “the hard way.” Ladies, let’s carefully and prayerfully consider what our sister is sharing from her experience.
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Thank you for sharing Samantha. I hope something good happens for you.
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Thanks! Something wonderful has happened! Christ has become sufficient for me. If my husband and I are reconciled then praise the Lord! If not well, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away and I will bless His name. Sometimes that can sound cliche but that’s where I am right now. I do however have to check my focus on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. It’s like Peter walking on water. He does ok until he takes his focus off Jesus. When I start to sink though I can always call out to Him and recheck my focus. I will pray you find peace in Him.
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Samantha,
This is so awesome! I know it takes MAJOR wrestling to get to this place, but it is the most amazing place to be in the world. Thank you very much for sharing. I praise God for what He is doing in you and thank you for sharing with our sister, Michelle. 🙂
Praying for God’s continued good work in your heart and life for His greatest glory!
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Michelle,
I don’t know where God will take you on your journey. But I know that I personally had to get to the place where I seriously could see for real that Jesus was enough. Jesus plus nothing is enough. That is the place I believe God has us go to. Not Jesus + my husband = contentment. Or Jesus + sex = contentment. Or Jesus + husband + children = contentment.
Jesus = contentment. He is sufficient.
For me, I had to lay everything down on the altar in my mind before God, not knowing if I would get any of it back or not and decide that any sacrifice I had to give up to have Jesus was worth it. My single friend had to lay down her dream of having a husband and family. She said, “First I had to realize that Jesus wasn’t my greatest desire. Then I had to realize that He was my greatest desire.” That is the place God wants us. Where we truly get that Jesus is the Greatest Treasure and that He is worth giving up everything else.
There is a lot of wrestling to get to this place. But when you truly give up everything in your life and heart to Christ, there is no better place in the world. As you fully give all of yourself to Him, He fully gives all of Himself to you. You realize you don’t need anything but Him. If He allows you to have some other gifts- great. But if not, you realize you can be completely content with just Him.
It is not about being content with “nothing.” It is about being content with Jesus being your everything – which He is plenty capable of being!
This journey isn’t about trying harder and working your tail off. It is about resting in Christ and allowing Him to transform and change you and about following Him and dying to yourself and living for Him alone.
Check out this video on taking our thoughts captive for Christ, too, it may be a blessing.
It sounds like God is doing a lot of healing in your marriage. I believe that if you are willing to yield control fully to Christ and to seek Him far above all else, you will be amazed at the relationship and the treasures He has in store for you that are hidden in Him. He may continue to heal the marriage, as well. But the goal isn’t to have your sex life restored or to have a child. We don’t make Jesus a means to an end. It’s not, “I’ll do this for you, God, so that You give me what I REALLY want…” We come to Jesus to have Him and to have a right relationship with God. Then we trust everything else to His sovereign, loving hands. We seek His greatest glory and we trust Him to bring it about and to change us and to work in our husband’s lives, too.
Much love!
April
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I’m not giving in to the sinful desire to be rude to him because we haven’t been intimate. I know that is growth. I see and am thankful for the little things lately. I guess I just don’t know when it’s ok to say something about how I miss the intimacy. We haven’t even talked about the divorce threat in December. I feel that if I bring it up he will want to leave again. So there are a lot of unresolved feelings even though life in general is better (for him anyway).
I dont feel like I have the freedom to rest in Jesus and just let him change me because my husband threatened divorce, so it’s a fix it or I’m gone situation. If I don’t work my tail off every single second of the day to make sure I’m not saying or doing something wrong then he might leave. The other problem is that I don’t feel love. The only way I seem to feel any love is through physical contact. So no touching = no love to me. This has always caused a sense of distance between God and me as well.
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Michelle,
My precious sister! You DO have the freedom to rest in Jesus and to let Him change you even if your husband threatened divorce. None of us can change ourselves. Our own strength can’t bring about godliness. Only the power of the Holy Spirit can do that. Please do rest in Christ and in His love. 🙂 He can then give you the power you need to be the woman He calls you to be and you can rest in His sovereignty and love for you. God’s Spirit can also give you wisdom about when, if, and how to address the intimacy issue. The Holy Spirit is totally key. When you abide in Him and His Spirit fills you, and it is God’s power working in you – it is actually possible to walk in victory and holiness and obedience to God. Then you have the power to bless your husband – not with any motives other than to just please God and bless your husband.
Husbands, interestingly, are most attracted to us when we are peaceful, gentle, and joyful – which is only possible as we are filled with Jesus.
You can ask God to help you learn to receive love through words and through His presence and in many ways. You have the ability to receive love in lots of ways – as God heals you. 🙂
Much love to you!
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Peaceful Wife: I receive and appreciate what you are saying. I know you speak the truth. Some days I feel I’m getting there and other days I feel totally overwhelmed. I feel better hearing from all of you about it. I need to work on this some more in prayer.
I don’t know how to reconcile the fact that it’s ok to have needs with the fact that I have to be ok if they are never met because I have Jesus and that supposed to be all I need. It’s very confusing. I’m a life long believer so I’ve heard this all my life and honestly it’s never made sense. It’s just that constant dying to self, I know. But everyone keeps saying it’s ok to have these needs. How can it be ok and not be ok at the same time. My brain can’t comprehend this.
I am trying to just honor and obey God in my behavior, but I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m doing it joyfully most of the time or just to bless my husband. Apparently I’m incredibly manipulative because I make choices based on how they will affect me. I need to pray about that too.
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Michelle,
It took time for me to really be able to lay things down. This takes wrestling (for me, it was because of my unbelief and lack of faith in God) – and sometimes it happens in layers. God reveals one layer of wrong motives to us, we tear it out. Then He shows us another layer… I’m so thankful He is willing to show us our motives and that He is willing to help us shine light in the dark places in our hearts to help us see the things that are actually toxic to us.
It is confusing and frustrating at first to think about dying to self.
Yes, God gives us needs and desires that are good. Wanting your husband to love you, wanting sex with him, wanting children, wanting a healed marriage – those are all good things. Those desires are good and God-given. The problem comes when we put those desires for those good things above Christ in our hearts. If I want those things more than I want God, then I am involved in idolatry. God always asks those who belong to Him to be willing to lay down everything but Him. Sometimes He gives those things back to us, sometimes He doesn’t. But it is that willingness to completely lay ALL down before Him no matter what the end results will be – that reveals we totally trust Him and that we are willing to walk in obedience and absolute surrender to Him. Here is a post about laying down our husbands to God.
For each of us, God asks us to lay down our most precious desires and dreams. He asks us to die to all that is dear to us in this world (like He did with Abraham and Isaac. Isaac was a promise of God to Abraham, but God wanted to be sure Abraham loved Him more than He loved Isaac. Even though Isaac was a good gift from God. God doesn’t want us to put His gifts above Him in our hearts. Check out the post, Are You Willing to Sacrifice Your Isaac?)
I can say:
“Lord,
You have designed marriage to be good. You designed families. You give women a good desire to have children. You designed sex to be good, holy, and fulfilling in marriage. But I confess that I have put my desires for these good things above my desire for You in my heart. This is sin. Help me to see this sin as You see it. Help me to see that to You, when I put anything or anyone above You in my heart and love that thing with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength instead of loving You wholeheartedly – that it feels like adultery to You. Help me to see how serious this is. Thank You for showing me these things. I want to lay all of these precious things down and trust You with them, no matter what happens. I lay down my husband, my dream for sexual intimacy in our marriage to be restored, my dream for children, my dream for a healed marriage all on the altar before You. I die to what I want and my greatest desires. I seek Your will above my own. I want Your greatest glory no matter what it costs me. I want to know You more and to grow in You and to trust You completely with all that is precious to me. Forgive me for my unbelief, my fear, my worry, my trusting self. Forgive me for trying to do this in my strength as if You are not enough. Forgive me for not seeing what a Treasure You are and for not seeing that You are more than enough for me. Open my eyes. Empower me to become the woman You desire me to be. Help me to trust You fully with all of this and to rest in Your love for me.
Amen!”
God is so gracious to reveal our hidden motives. We can think we have pure motives – but we can be blind to our real motives so many times. We can be blind to our pride or our idolatry. I know I have been many times. Thank You, Lord, for showing us our motives when we seek You and for Your willingness to refine us and purify our faith to make us holy and pleasing to You.
Much love to you!
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There are different stages to acceptance. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. You don’t have to go through them all to get to acceptance, and some people get stuck in one of the stages and never get true acceptance.
I hate to tell you that possibly peace will come only when you are willing to accept that it might stay the same. If you get to that point, if something good happens, then it will be the icing on the cake. I know that may sound terribly discouraging, like I am telling you to give up. It has taken me 3 years to be content with myself and live in peace and not think something is wrong that we aren’t acting like we are in love or thinking our time together is boring.
It’s great to live in the moment and only bring good to the relationship. Keep the fruits you have gained from 4 months of obedience to God and don’t go back to old habits of fear and fighting. I hope that what I am saying is encouraging, if it seems discouraging, I am sorry. I will pray for you.
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Don’t go back to old habits is good advice. That what I feel is happening. I’m tired and my old thoughts are coming in. I appreciate that advice!
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After I encouraged you, I started feeling discouraged thinking about how I really deep down wanted everything the way I think it should be and then feeling worse about my situation. I said to my husband, “I need some encouragement, I’m having a hard time.”, and he was really sweet to me! That was something he could succeed at. If I would have went into detail about my complaints he would have shut down.
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daughter,
What a beautiful, respectful approach. You respected your need to share vulnerably with your husband AND you respected him by not putting him down or giving him details that may have hurt him – sounds like you were hearing God pretty clearly on that. 🙂
Love this! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing!
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Michelle,
I totally understand your frustration. You are very early in your journey. At this time of your journey, you have lots about you that you are working on. I am 1.5 years into this. And there has been no sex for me in 1 year and 8 months! He was receiving from me until March of last year. It is extremely frustrating for me as well. Earlier in our marriage, when kids were young and I was a crazy busy mom and PTA president and working 40+ hours etc…, I had no time for sex. Now I know how my husband must have felt…rejected. But I didn’t want that for him.
Now, my husband says he can’t have sex with someone he is not “in love” with.” Although he says he loves me…huh? So, he also said if I tried to demand sex, he would feel “raped.” Okay. Don’t want him to feel that way, so I wait for him. And wait and wait. He allows foot and back massages. I don’t get those. But I have learned to put it on the back burner for now and appreciate that he still wants physical touch, but that he cannot trust me yet. When a man has sex, he is at his most vulnerable place. We as wives can do the most damage here. And as a disrespectful wife, I did just that. I know it is going to take time. He has lots of insecurities and possible depression to deal with. I don’t want to sound crass, but there are some electronic devices that might help tide you over for a while…..
I pray as your husband learns to trust that your respect is growing and that he feels loved, safe and respected with you, that he will be drawn to your femininity and desire you again. The hugs and other types of physical touch are going to have to be enough for now. You could be in the position of not having even that… so be grateful for what you DO have and pray for it to grow.
Much love.
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Your husband may consent to oral sex. Its an extremely emotional experience for a husband to recieve this kind of nurtureing tender expression . My husband had tears in his eyes the first time I did it. I was unsure at first and uncomfortable but he loved eveything I did and so the learning curve was quite enjoyable for us both. (From Peacefulwife – edited the details here because too much info could be a trigger for some wives, or husbands, who are not experiencing intimacy at this time – thanks for understanding!)
I learned the hard way (almost divorced) how important it is to make love to your husband. This is a weekly thing we do. Sorry for TMI but it has deepened our closeness and he says it makes him feel completely loved, desired and respected by me. And so relaxed LOL. (He has a stressful job.) He treats me like his princess. LOL
But before, we use to bicker, argue, and threaten divorce constantly. Neither of us felt loved and there was no sex at all. He felt despised by me and vise versa. This has changed everything completely around and I’ve grown to look forward to this because I love how he sleeps like a baby in my arms afterwards and spoils me rotten all week with attention. I dont have a high sex drive so this works great for me. I crave the attention from him I get afterwards. He’s so much more emotionally available and open.
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Marie,
This is often a great way to re-introduce intimacy after a long dry spell. Lots of husbands would be open to this type of approach. I praise God for the healing in your marriage! Thank you for sharing your story and so much encouragement with others who are struggling.
Much love!
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I wish he would let me do oral sex to him. I used to hate this type. But, in fact, after I realized my disrespect, I wanted to make it up and for about 2 months, this was all we did. I never asked him to reciprocate because I wanted him to feel loved. Then he stopped that too. Didn’t want any and said that if he didn’t love me, he couldn’t be intimate…in any form. I am trying to give him space. I was always the lower sex drive person. Felt it was dirty, was exhausted from young kids, embarrassed by my body and very insecure. I never knew what that attitude did to him. Soni have not had any sex in 15 months, he has been 1 year. I want to be intimate, but don’t want to demand.
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LMSdaily…Im so grieved for you. I will be keeping your marriage in my daily prayers as I continue to pray for my own. Lord I lift up all hurting marriages to you . Help us to be sensitive to your promptings so that we may walk surefooted under your loving merciful guidance. I will not let the enemy have any victory in my marriage and I submit my whole will to you Lord to develope the love,patience,endurance and long suffering in my heart that is required of me to fight this enemy. Love wins over all. Help us Lord to love our husbands in the way they need from us right now as I give all of my pain disappointments and fears over into your merciful care and not into the hands of Satan to play with my emotions. We love you merciful good Lord and we thank you for your presence in our lives.
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the first gal wrote my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just last night, my husband quoted the EXACT same words to me ~ “He has even shared that he feels really badly that he makes me feel so badly. He doesn’t actually make me feel badly on purpose, it’s like a side effect.” Last night, we really didn’t say a word to each other because of this single problem. And then to get up this morning and this is in my inbox………………..yes…………”I HEAR YOU GOD!!!!” Thank you so much for posting this!
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victoriantomboy,
I’m so glad this was a blessing. Thank you for sharing! 🙂 God is so good.
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I’m thankful to read this post and to hear some of the other women’s thoughts as this is an area that I have struggled with pretty much since my husband I married. In the beginning, all seemed good but just months after being married I noticed my husband’s appetite was not the same as mine. Looking back now, I realize that he was often so harsh with me that sexual intimacy was the one of the few times I felt loved by him.
As time went on, the problem only seemed to get worse. Then, when he went on blood pressure meds, things really began to fall apart. Between his medications, back problems and health problems, 14 years later, there’s no sex life. There’s very little hugging or touching and the bedroom seems like a failure! I didn’t realize this until lately but part of the reason I’ve gained so much weight is eating is one of the few physical pleasures I can enjoy!
I’ve talked to my husband about my needs but things have not changed. When I’m honest with myself, I am very angry and frustrated that this is where we are. Eating donuts and chocolate items have been my way of rewarding myself and soothing myself. I’ve asked about counseling and my husband refuses to participate in anything like that. He has done that in his past marriages and says it doesn’t work the way I think it might. Also, he’s the one the counselors always blame.
Please keep me in prayer. I need guidance from God on how to live with my circumstances and not get caught up in the depression and hopelessness I often feel.
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Cindy,
Has your husband considered talking with his doctor about this? There are medical things that can be done to help, even for men on blood pressure meds. Is he still very harsh with you? How do the two of you relate to each other generally now?
How is your walk with Christ going?
Do you have a godly mentoring wife or counselor you would trust to talk with?
Much love to you!
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My situation is much the same. Intimacy has not been what it once was since 1999. After 8 years with only a handful of encounters, I asked him to go to the doctor about it. He had not noticed that it had been that long.
The doctor suggested several ways to treat it, but none of them helped the physical situation.
I believe it has been due to chronic pain due to how hard he works. But, also, he is manic and gruff with me all the time and because of it, I often feel I am with a stranger. He is open to counseling for PTSD for the first time since 1985 when we were married. I am hoping that he can fit that in and that it will in turn improve things with our marriage and physical relationship.
I am learning to be more patient and loving in the midst of his harshness towards me as well.
The hardest part for me is desiring physical intimacy much worse *after* we have already united. I try to think of each encounter in terms of emotional closeness rather than in terms of physical fulfillment, and then immediately busying myself or praying etc. afterwards.
It has been 16 years thus far but I am learning to trust more deeply in God as well as more compassion and respect for my husband.
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A few years ago my husband did speak to a doctor that prescribed ED meds. They did help for a while. (They are expensive and we haven’t always had insurance that will cover some of the costs.) Unfortunately, my husband also suffers from a physical problem called Peyronie’s Disease which when we were intimate was becoming very uncomfortable for me. To be honest, I believe the two of us need to find other ways to be sexually close and intimate. These things are difficult to discuss and it would be easier if there was a professional person that could keep us focused and on track.
My husband is not as harsh as he was in the early years.. His relationship with God began to improve back in 2011 and he was growing before we moved to where we are now living. He use to have men to talk to and a close relationship with our pastors. I use to have a godly mentoring wife that I could speak with and receive loving advice from as well until our move. The last two years have been difficult for both of us. I have been doing things to try to meet other godly women and form relationships but my husband has not been as involved. I know he has been unhappy since our moved here and often speaks of moving back to the area we once lived. He had a serious health condition last year which has required a long recuperation. This has left the majority of responsibility for the home on my shoulders.
I thought my walk with Christ was growing and maturing. Especially where we once lived. Now I feel like I’m just trying to hang on. I pray, I stay involved with Bible studies, I read devotions and I am doing my best to stay connected to God so I don’t spiral into a deep depression. I know how important it is to be thankful for all the little things that are always around me each day. Finding your blog a couple of months ago and reading your posts has been very helpful. I’m thankful that God lead me here. I know it’s hard to respond to me as you’re getting bits and pieces and only my side of the situation. It doesn’t help that my mind starts jumping all over the place as it can lead a thought this way and that way and not make much sense. Thank you for listening.
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Cindy,
They are VERY expensive. That is for sure. Generics won’t be coming out until 2018, if I am remembering correctly.
I’m so sorry to hear about the additional issues with Peyronie’s Disease. I guess there can be exercises or traction for that – but I would imagine it would be very painful. Praying for wisdom for you both about this.
It sounds like you both had a great situation where you lived before spiritually. I pray for wisdom for you both about where to live and about finding spiritual support and a solid church and strong, godly friends, too.
What are you praying for in your times with God? Would you like to have a spiritual check up with me?
Much love to you, my sweet sister!
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I tried to open this but it says restricted access and I need a code.
Can I get the code please?
Thank you, Terri Drake
Sent from my iPhone
>
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Terri,
What was it you tried to open? 🙂
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From a husbands perspective.
If any of you ladies have ever said things like “I want good sex, not what you do,” or ” You don’t last long enough,” or in any way told your man that his sexual performance or appetite isn’t enough – his libido will vanish so quick.
There’s nothing more humiliating than to be told you’re not good enough.
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Dear Humbled Husband,
It is so good to hear a man’s perspective! Thank you for sharing!
Is it possible that if I have made my husband believe I am disappointed with the quantity he is giving me then that could also lower his pursuit of me? As Marie pointed out above, is it possible if the wife is constantly wanting it more than the husband then the husband may lose interest because men do not want their wives to be always sexually open? I have a fellow PW friend who tells me men are hunters and they are the ones who like to hunt their wives. I would love to hear your thoughts!
Thank you again!
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Hi Stephenie,
Yes definitely, if a man is made to feel like his wife thinks he doesn’t want it enough then that can lower his self confidence and interest in sex. On the flipside of this, a man actually wants his wife to want him all the time but not feel like he isn’t enough. We are curious creatures! In most ways as complex as a woman but different 🙂
Regarding pursuing your wife, definitely. We are designed to give and it is the singularly most hurtful thing for that giving to be rejected or misunderstood. If a man reaches out to his wife and it is rejected he’ll likely not want to reach out as much next time. But if a wife can show that she is interested and accepts his pursual that’s a great thing. There is nothing more of a turn on than a woman accepting that her man wants her.
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HH,
Thank you for your response! It is so good to hear from a man! My husband has told me in the past couple months that HE feels like a piece of meat! I now know it is common for women in our early 40s to begin to have a much higher drive! I certainly do not want my husband to feel like all I want him for is that!! He has also said there are other ways we can connect and it’s not all about sex!
After what you said I now have this thought that if I am not satisfied with the amount he is giving to me then that can hurt his self confidence. Eye opening, thank you!
Sincerely!
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HH,
Yes! This is an important point. I talk about this in my book, actually.
Ladies,
If a wife implies, even slightly, that her husband is “not enough,” that is very painful for a husband. But I am aware of wives saying things when they feel rejected by their husbands that can feel like a “nuclear rejection” to a husband who is truly not ill-intentioned toward his wife. Things like:
– questioning if he is homosexual
– accusing him of having an affair when he is not, saying, “You must be getting it somewhere.”
– talking to others about that he doesn’t satisfy her sexually.
– complaining to him that he is not good at sex.
– saying negative things about his performance, body, or abilities
We wouldn’t appreciate it if our husbands did these things to us. I realize, the may be some cases where a husband may truly be having an affair or may actually be homosexual, or he may be having medical issues. But, we need to tread softly here, sisters. If a husband is not in sin and a wife begins to assume he is or accuse him of sin or emasculate him, it can be very difficult to heal the rift those kinds of words can cause.
On the flip side, it is also damaging when a lower libido wife complains or undermines her husband sexually, too. “I feel like I am just a piece of meat to you,” hurts a husband who truly does love his wife and sees intimacy as a physical, emotional, and spiritual connection with his wife. Or if a wife complains that her husband wants sex “too much” and that he is “an animal” (in a bad way) or that he is a pain and sex is a chore or a duty instead of a delight, that can be damaging, too.
We have a LOT of power to bless our husbands or hurt them in this area. (Of course, they have a similar power with us, too.) I pray we will seek to bless and build up our husbands and marriages by being joyfully available to our husbands and by extending grace and selflessness.
If a husband is involved in unrepentant adultery or sex addictions, there are times it is not safe or wise for a wife to be joyfully available to him unless he is willing to repent and rebuild trust and be totally transparent.
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Yep! I’ve had all of them thrown at me by the bucketload.
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HH,
I am so sorry! How I wish no spouse had to feel that kind of pain.
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1 Corinthians 7:1-5
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
I didn’t see that passage mentioned anywhere, and thought it should be.
Whatever you do, do not – NOT – go shoving that scripture under your husband’s (or wife’s) nose.
Or leave every Bible in the house open to the passage “accidentally”.
That will ONLY backfire.
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RamonaQ,
Yes, that passage is important for each spouse to know about and to be sure we are each holding up our end of the covenant. There can be times it could be important to humbly, respectfully share this if a spouse is feeling sexually deprived. But it can backfire, yes. So it will take the power of the Holy Spirit and His wisdom for each spouse to know how, when, and if to bring this up and when to speak and confront sin vs. when to wait patiently and pray.
Thanks for this! I have a number of posts and videos about this passage, if anyone is interested, I can get the links.
Much love!
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It makes me very sad that this part of our relationship is probably dead. What I have chosen to do is just to just not think about it and just concentrate on the good in my life. It is helping. I am looking forward to getting a job in a few months and I will get encouragement and hugs and the other things that I need there. God has already been providing me some Godly girlfriends to help me in that area… I would be THRILLED with once a week…
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Elizabeth,
I’m so sorry this is such a painful area. 😦 I’m glad you are looking for what is good in your life . I pray for God’s healing for you, your husband, and your marriage, my dear sister! Thank you for sharing your perspective and reminding those who are feeling deprived with once a week that they have much for which to be very thankful!
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Humbled Husband,
Wow, I found your comments interesting. I am the higher drive wife in my relationship. When things were at their worst, I so desperately wanted to know what was wrong, and pridefully, what was so wrong with me that he didn’t want to be intimate more often. I’d ask, and ask, and this would upset him. I’d read so much online about how all husbands want sex as often as possible and how most of the refusal comes from the wife (I’m paraphrasing of course). So this led me to believe there was something about me physically that turned him off and I’d ask him and ask him to please tell me what it was so I could change it. He’d ask me to stop, but it was driving me crazy.
He tried telling me that talking about it so much was counterproductive, but that made no sense to me. How can you solve anything if you won’t talk about it? And why wouldn’t he tell me what was wrong? I was desperate and convinced he must find me repulsive. When he one day commented “I can’t meet your needs.” I thought he was being cruel and childish. He certainly could meet my needs if I had been good enough for him! Everything was in working order, it was good when it happened, I figured he just didn’t want to be with ME. Couldn’t bring himself to be attracted to ME. I thought he was so cruel acting like I was so demanding. Something HAD to be wrong with me, if I was reading that ALL husbands (yes, a lot of authors write in absolutes) would take sex every day if they could get it, and if they weren’t getting it from you, they were probably getting it somewhere else. (Not true, by the way).
Important point, I was reading anything and everything I could find on the subject – a lot of it secular. And wrong. I was desperate and not examining my own heart or praying the way I really needed to. I was praying, but not with the right heart or attitude.
I stopped interrogating him, but my hurt was still there.
Anyway, all of this to say, when you said in your comment above:
“Yes definitely, if a man is made to feel like his wife thinks he doesn’t want it enough then that can lower his self confidence and interest in sex.”
It was like “HELLO!!!” How did I never understand that? I honestly had no idea I was making him feel so badly with my comments and questioning. I could not fathom why any healthy man would not be interested at least as often as his wife was.
Praise be to God, things between us are improving. I talked to him about this last night and asked him if this (my constant wondering) had been part of our problem. He admitted it had been a part of it and I sincerely apologized.
I honestly had no idea. I thought by constantly reminding him how long it had been, or begging him to tell me what the problem was, or reminding him that he needed to tell me what was so repulsive about me because, after all, all other men wanted their wives as often as possible – that I was helping. Apparently I was doing much more harm than good.
Thank you for speaking up.
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Good morning Becca!
Your story sounds so similar to mine! I am so grateful to Humbled Husband for clarifying that for me too! I have been on the Respectful Wife journey for about 18 months and as soon as I realized how much I had hurt my husband by rejecting him sexually in the past I wanted to “make up for lost time!” So I began asking him for it at least every 3rd day. For the most part he complied but if he turned me down I would complain or get angry and then feel rejected. After all, we were getting along waaaay better and I was “mostly” a respectful wife now (except for a couple key areas).
What has been confusing for me is that he complied with me for about a year of roughly 10 times a month. Then in February it started to change. I felt like I needed to stop “asking” him for it and let it go. I was making it into an idol and April has been helping me to see that I cannot measure my husband’s love for me byhow often we are intimate. So I decided to leave our intimacy in God’s hands. I was afraid we would go from 10 times a month to like twice. I was still very obsessed with it I just wasn’t outwardly asking my husband for it.
The first month went well with my husband initiating but then all of a sudden he went 10 days and I was very hurt and so I asked him about it, saying things like “do you need space” and “have I done something?” and “its been a week” and “are you glad I have stopped demanding it from you?”
He told me he is very stressed at work and very very tired. He said sometimes he likes me to ask and sometimes he doesn’t that I just have to figure it out! Hows that for confusing!! He does not like me to talk about it and that is hard for me because we have been married for 20 years! He told me that he doesn’t always need to connect in this way (he is very cuddly and so we get physical touch in other ways) and that this is a season for him and that it won’t always be this way.
Anyway, I am working hard to give this to God, I am committed to waiting for a time (couple of months) in which “I” do not bring the subject up at all. Some days I feel resentful and very sad but I am working to give this up to Jesus. I even told him what a pastor said – “even if you do not feel like it you can still do this for your spouse.” My husband did not like to hear this because he went several years with me telling him no because our children were very young and i had zero desire. I have asked his forgiveness for this and he says he forgives me I just need to be understanding he says. He told me he’s not into porn, there is no one else, he is still attracted to me, he just needs some time.
I will be receptive to him and if he brings it up I will respond, but I have realized I need to fully let this go for a time and it is difficult for me because I too have read everything there is on this subject. “All men want sex all the time…what man wouldn’t love for his wife to want it ALL the time?” I have to stop reading this stuff as well!
Anyway, I am grateful to April and to this blog community of women (and men!) to share our journeys with and shoulder our burdens with!
Thank you for your story!
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wow! I have always thought I was the only one that dealt with a higher drive. I have felt everything both bloggers mentioned and am also on a new journey of being curbing my appetite and allowing God to show me how to be content and refocus that energy instead of wallowing in self pity. Thanks so much for sharing and yay!! I am not alone. 😉
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Tntingela,
So glad this was a blessing. 🙂 Praising God for what He is doing in your heart, my dear sister!
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I used to struggle with this, until , I was talking to my mentor and they said, You’re just trying to get some comfort from this man. And I realized that during sex was the only kind of comfort he would give me in any way. I never asked for it, but just was sad that he so rarely wanted me.
But you know what? The more I turn to God for comfort, the more comfort I get from my husband in every way, including sex. And my own desire isn’t nearly so strong anymore either, because I am looking for love in the right places. As my priorities get put in the right places, the more love I am given by my husband, “seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things shall be added unto you..”
THank you for your help in this!!
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Grace,
I LOVE THIS!!!!!! God has taught me some very similar lessons in my own life. Thank you VERY much for sharing, sweet sister! 🙂 And PRAISE GOD for what He is doing in your heart and in your marriage!
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Grace,
This is really amazing. I think you are where I need to get to! My husband said to me the other night something along the lines of “the only way you’ll receive love is through sex.” It was icky to hear him say that, but there is some truth to it. I don’t think I’ve ever been loved (other than by God and my husband, I mean.) and I have an incredibly hard time receiving love. It’s like I don’t know how.
April has pointed out many times that I need to spend more time seeking God on this, and she’s right. What jumped out at me about your comment was when you said, “the more I turn to God for comfort, the more comfort I get from my husband in every way, including sex.” Also, the part where you said, “And my own desire isn’t nearly so strong, BECAUSE I AM LOOKING FOR LOVE IN THE RIGHT PLACES.” I put that in all caps because I really, really need to understand that. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It spoke volumes to me.
(Now if I can just get this through my thick head…) 😉
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Thanks for sharing. I’m in the same situation but we discovered why my husband has a very low sex drive: thyroid and hormones pb. Could see like a great thing but the truth is we haven’t had any sexual relations in 9 months! 😁😁😁 I was putting also a lot of pressure on him and I took an appointment for him to see again the doctor. He does take a strong treatment and she said she can’t increase it cause it can give him heart problem. The solution: we just have to wait. So I decided to not talk about it and ask God for more grace. Really not easy but only solutions. Prayers appreciated.
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