This blog will be most relatable for wives who tend to be strong willed/in charge whose husbands are passive.
If your husband is controlling or you are more passive – many things I talk about will still apply (God’s Word always applies)- but you may have to approach some of the practical issues from a different angle. This blog may not be as helpful for you. It is possible to be TOO respectful/TOO submissive. If your husband is actually extremely controlling or abusive, some wives seem to over correct in a dangerous way in the wrong direction when they read about respect. Please seek godly help ASAP and be sure you are safe! And please seek resources that are specific to abuse – this blog is not written for those in severe situations. (Try http://www.leslievernick.com or http://www.focusministries1.org)
I only write for wives – I don’t write for husbands. A husband cannot force his wife to respect him and submit to him. She must do this willingly and voluntarily out of her love and respect and obedience to Christ. (Here is a balanced view of husbands and wives responsibilities.)
Just like wives need primarily need love, husbands primarily need respect. (Although husbands and wives both need to give and receive love and respect in a healthy marriage.) God’s design for marriage is laid out here in Ephesians 5, and His purpose goes WAY beyond the scope of the health of our individual marriages – although if we follow His design, we will have much healthier marriages. God’s highest purpose in marriage is to showcase the intimate relationship between Christ and His people. We are acting out a living parable where husbands represent Christ and wives represent the church to bring glory to God and to help our children and others around us grasp what God is like in a more concrete way.
Ephesians 5:22-33 = God’s design for marriage
DISRESPECT
When a man feels disrespected, he feels unloved!
Every man has his own list of what feels disrespectful and respectful to him. Some things are almost universally one way or the other to almost all men. Some things are particular to your husband. So – what matters most is what is respectful and disrespectful to YOUR man. That’s why it is important to ask him about his preferences and what bothers him and what speaks respect to him. When things are not tense – you could ask him about some of the things on this list and get his take on the different items (if he is open to this idea). You’ll need to custom-tailor your respect to your husband! Ultimately, we are really seeking to please Christ, not our husbands. He is our final Judge and Audience.
Ladies – we have so much power to destroy our husbands or to build them up. How I pray God will convict us and open our eyes and that we might learn to be respectful, cooperative wives who value our husbands’ leadership and who honor Christ with every thought, attitude, word and action!
SUMMARY OF WHAT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO MEN. Keep in mind that even barely hinting at these things can often feel VERY disrespectful to men :
- implying he is not intelligent/capable/competent
- implying he is not enough for you sexually
- implying he is not providing enough for you financially
- implying that you are superior to him morally/spiritually
- displaying contempt for who he is as a man – not accepting him as he is (I am not saying you must respect sin, but that you respect him as a person and as your husband)
- telling him what to do/bossing him
- taking control of the marriage/family and not allowing him to fulfill his God-given leadership position
- making fun of him, putting him down, criticizing him, belittling him especially to others
- body language that communicates contempt/hatred/judgment
- implying that you respect another man more than you respect him
- implying he is not a good father
- undermining his authority as a father
- representing him in your own behavior, attitude, speech, or appearance in a way that reflects poorly on him to others
Some husbands, like mine, feel stressed if their wives try “too hard” to be good wives and would really just like their wives to relax and enjoy life more. For more about husbands for whom “less is more” when it comes to respect, please read here.
A wife shares what she has learned about what makes her husband feel respected here.
The only way we can be godly wives is to be filled with God’s Spirit and to allow Him to radically transform us to be more and more like Christ.
The Answer to All of Your Marriage Problems!
Do You have to Lose Yourself or Be Fake to Be a Godly Wife?
The Surprising Root of All Marriage Problems
Fully Trusting God with My Husband- Laying Down All My Fears
—————————————————————————————————————————–
A MORE DETAILED LIST
Here are some things that feel disrespectful to many husbands – thanks to the husbands who contributed to this list (Each man has his own list – what matters most is what God shows you to do and how your husband thinks. Then you can allow God to transform you to be the wife He desires you to be. Primarily the goal is to please Christ.):
- asking him to do something, then doing it myself before he has a chance
- body language – especially frowning while you talk
- lack of attention/appreciation
- too much help
- criticism
- interruptions
- not really listening
- asking “Why…?” when paired with “Why would you do it like that?” and rolling the eyes.. or “Why would you go that way when it’s easier to go this way?”
- always putting yourself first
- second guessing/lack of confidence
- being too busy to spend time with him
- complaining
- speaking negatively of him to others or in front of others
- answering for him
- telling him what to do
- undermining his authority as a father – telling the children they don’t have to do what he asked them to do
- disagreeing with his parenting in front of the children
- insinuating – even slightly – that he doesn’t make enough money to satisfy you
- not accepting his answer – continuing to question him
- Automatically assuming we were going to call someone for a repair. Let me decide and let me handle it.
- Telling me to go speak to someone or tell someone goodbye at a social function.
- Asking “Are you sure? ” after I have already given a confident “yes” to “Do you know what you are doing?”
- withholding sex from him out of spite or manipulation
- cussing/yelling/name calling
- Arguing
- Lack of acknowledgement of hard work/providing for the family
- Speaking poorly about me, even in a “joking” way to others
- Correcting me when I am telling stories
- Making light of something that I think is important
- “The look.” Believe it or not, it’s soul-crushing — at least when it’s a frequent occurrence.
- Refusing, avoiding, or qualifying your apology.
- Blaming your husband for economic circumstances beyond his control.
- Complaining about the circumstances or wishing out loud for different circumstances feels like blame to your husband. Find a way to commiserate with him about the circumstances without complaining about them.
- If marriage counseling is necessary, communicating (or simply believing, which will be communicated one way or another) that he is the whole problem.
- Living in fear because you can’t trust God to take care of you through your husband or, if necessary, in spite of your husband.
- Attach catastrophic significance to every personal and parenting choice out of fear that if you and your husband do not “measure up,” God will punish you.
- Generally treat sex with him as a chore or an imposition or constantly demand sex.
- Joking with another woman at my expense in front of me.
- Making comments about my lack of ability to remember.
- Doubting what I say until it’s affirmed by someone else.
- Thinking that I’m not smart enough to know when she’s lying to me.
- Treating me like I’m a child, and can’t take care of myself.
- Taking credit for things I did.
- Changing the channel when I’m watching something.
- Ordering me around like I’m your personal assistant.
- Having no respect or concern at all for your own appearance and health.
The Peaceful Wife 
Some of these are great! It’s amazing how long the list is and more amazing all the things that I personally find disrespectful that aren’t on there.
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Daniel,
Thanks for your comment! If you have some things I could add – I would LOVE that! And if it is ok with you, I am working on a book, largely to teach wives about respect and submission, but there will be a section about disrespect, and I would LOVE to include your thoughts on the topic, too! Thanks!
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Yes so glad ur working on a book, I know it will be great,, how long before its published?
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Sharon,
I am not sure about a publish date, Please pray about that with me!
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Praise God for that I am tired of having to explain it to my wife. I have decided that I would stop trying to tell her, instead I will try to deal with this burning ache in my heart. I try my best to be a good husband and my wife is a good wife too except when it comes to this. She thinks when I say she must be submissive that I am saying she must be my slave or as she put it “a doormat”. So maybe your book will help.
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Ou Kali,
Very few wives understand disrespect, respect and biblical submission today. Most have had zero godly examples in their lives. I pray that God might give you wisdom to continue to be the godly husband He desires you to be and that He might bring healing to your marriage.
Please pray God will speak through me in the book I am writing. I pray God might bless many marriages through it for His glory.
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I have posts about biblical submission and spiritual authority at the top of my home page that may be helpful.
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Wow! I was just going to ask, “anything else?”
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I know, right? My exact sentiments. This list is too long and he does 90% of these exact things to me. Should I send him my list?
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PN,
It is great to meet you!
This is the list I wish I had many years ago when I didn’t understand what husbands need or what hurts and offends them. I know it is a bit long. But I would rather give too much information than not enough, because every husband is different.
It is easy to blame our husbands for their faults and sins. I spent 14.5 years of our marriage doing just that, demanding that he change, demanding that God change my husband. But I didn’t look at how I was doing on meeting my husband’s needs or how I was doing with being a godly wife who respected her husband and honored his God-given leadership. Ephesians 5:22-33. I invite you to read my “about” story at the top of my home page.
You can certainly send your husband a long list of all the things he does that you don’t like.
I have a post about confronting our husbands about their sin that you may want to check out. I don’t know your relationship with Christ, but – He is able to give us His power to become the wives He desires us to be. On our own, in our own fleshly, sinful nature, we will destroy our marriages and our husbands. But God is able to give the power to us to be wise, godly wives who build our husbands and our marriages instead of tearing them down with our own hands. (Proverbs 14:1) I also have a post about “When My Spouse is Wrong” that may be helpful.
Disrespect for men is totally mainstream and normal now. Those women 50 years of age and under probably haven’t even seen godly examples of a wife showing true respect to her husband and honoring his leadership in a healthy way. It can sound really abnormal to talk about how we can respect our husbands at first. It is definitely countercultural and counterintuitive to us. But respect is what our husbands need. God gave them that need just like He gave us the need for love. Check out the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. (Based on Ephesians 5:22-33).
The way God asks us to do things is the opposite of what the world’s wisdom says.
God asks us to forgive and show grace as He does for us if we belong to Him (Matthew 6). He asks us to repay evil with good (Romans 12:9-21). He asks us to pray for those who mistreat us and bless those who persecute us. (Romans 12:9-21) He asks wives to not attempt to use words to draw their wayward husbands to God, but to demonstrate a Christlike attitude, purity and genuine respect. THAT is how to motivate a man. Not criticism, lectures, negativity, blaming, scolding, yelling, biting sarcasm, etc…
If you want to bless your marriage and make it stronger, I invite you to check out some of the posts at the top of my home page about respect/disrespect/biblical submission and the ones in recent weeks about being an ungodly woman vs. godly femininity.
I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you!
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Women, please rely on God. Peacefulwife, i know that your intentions are good, and you say you are happy in your marriage, so thats good too. However, your advice which you use biblical scripture to support is i believe dangerous for some marriages. How you treat and you relate to your husband, is how my husband has been brought up, by his whole family. Love was poured upon him, with praise. He never had to lift a finger, but bravo when he did! He learned that he only had to put forth effort if he wanted to, and would get a reward immediately when he did. He spurned the few times he got correction, and as he proudly proclaims, he never changed. He just got mad at people till they accepted him for who he was, then there was peace again. I get it peacefulwife. Accept and love your man so much, so you will have peace in your home- ie “submit” and serve him sacrifically.
But wait a minute… Wives are to submit & respect, but husbands are to love and sacrifice. It is not on the wifes shoulders to transform their husbands. She is not even to lead. The husband is called to do this. Does the church lead Jesus? Or does Jesus lead with love and we submit? i know that the quiet submission, ie don’t speak the truth in love, or correction, is the route you took. But i disagree that it is what God calls us to do. He specifically states quiet submission when refeering to a non-christian husband and christian wife, so that you may win him over without a word. (and even in this situation, we are to seek discernment from God.) If he is a christian, then biblically he is responsible to lead. Any man can use the excuse that their wife doesn’t let them. And you can keep preaching to love and praise and be quiet. But some men who are christian, refuse to seek and lead with God, and call for submission- not to their Godly decisions, or flawed but loving choices, but to selfish motives. As a wife in a christian marriage, i have encouraged my husband to be part of decisions and even to lead/ make some. He gets highly flustered and doesnt want to, leaving me to. There are times when his input and leadership is necessary, and he refuses like a stubborn mule. He often then tells me i am controlling and dont let him lead. Again, my husband was raised in a huge family and babied, more than even the girls. He was the youngest. He never had to learn or grow. He stepped into a marriage and expected the same from me. But he has an inner struggle. He knows marriage is a very different type of relationship. He can’t coast through it. He can’t avoid all difficult conversations, he must grow, and learn, and change. He loves me for my
strengths but they are painful for him because to some extent he envies them. He is caught up in this world, of being coddled and served, but knows he is suppose to grow in Christ, and learn to lead. Treating him like his family did for 34 years, and like they still do, will not cause him to grow in the Lord or as a leader. He hates when i call him out in anything, and no peacefulwife, not because i’m disrespecting him- but because he doesn’t want to hear truth, doesn’t want to change, and has adopted a non-biblical view of leadership/submission… You do what i say and be happy, because God tells you to! God tells us to treat other Christians with love, be humble, speak the truth in love/correct those in the church. He also tells us to use wisdom and discernment. Women do not let fear keep you from speaking truth! Do not think submission is quiet and weak! Be strong in the Lord and humble. Love, and speak truth. Don’t judge but correct. God knows your heart. God knows if you are idolizing your man and serving him, or worshipping God and serving him by serving without fear. Lastly peacefulwife, i read that you encouraged women to back off talking about God and the gospel if it upsets your man. I have been encouraging my husband to read and pray with me. He tells me do it on your own. I don’t smile and say, great idea honey! And kiss him and walk away. Instead, i speak the truth in love, because God tells me too. I tell my husband, i do. I hope you are too. But we are married and should do these things together too, to honor god. He says, theres too much darkness and evil in this marriage, it would dishonor God! (did i submit to this lie? No.) i responded, well god brings light to darkness and goodness overtakes evil. This is a classic example of how my husband will say i dont submit… Because i didnt praise him, kiss him, and walk off. This is also a classic example of how i served God, over passively submitting to my husband. I served God by speaking truth in love without fear. My husband may not like it, but God does, and knows my heart. As a side note, none of his brothers were babied. All of them have taken a role in their home as leaders, and many of them in the church as well. Also, please do not mistake what i am saying. I do not think i’m perfect, and i know i have hurt my husband in many ways, but i have asked for forgiveness. I am growing in God. The biggest conflict my husband has with me is that i will not enable him as his family did and does. Since i am expressing love, am giving him more grace, and less talking (per his request), i am submitting to him in some ways, ways that don’t conflict with the wisdom & discernment i get from God. My husband has told me before that i am not submittimg in a specific situation. I boldly tell him God’s prompting for me, and he tells me i am wrong- that God wouldn’t tell me to disobey my husband. Wow, of course he would if the husband is disobeying Him and doing something that will cause the wife to sin or be under attack from evil. Women, please listen to God and do not just submit to your husbands, as if they were in place of God. Take care.
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Kim,
It is wonderful to meet you! I’m really glad you brought up these concerns, but I think you will find that you are misunderstanding my message, my precious sister, if you read the other links and posts I am sharing. There is no way to cover the entire topic of godly femininity in one post – and this particular post is just about the topic of disrespect. There is much more to this whole subject than one post!
I DO have messages about confronting our husbands about their sin.
Your definition of submission is not the definition I am using.
I invite you to check out Spiritual Authority, and Biblical Submission
It IS possible for a wife to overdo biblical submission or respect.
I Peter 3:1-6 contains God’s instructions to wives whose husbands are disobedient to the Word.
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
All husbands are called by God to lead. The post Spiritual Authority talks about that. And they are absolutely all called to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for her. Spiritual Authority discusses that as well.
Submission is absolutely not weak. It is done from a position of great power and strength in Christ.
We are never called to passively submit – we are called to intelligent submission. Please check out the Danvers Statement – which reflects my beliefs about God’s design for marriage.
We are never called to submit to sin.
We are never called to respect sin.
We are never called to be doormats or to give up our influence in our marriages.
We are never called to praise sin.
We are never to put our husbands above God. That is idolatry!
I never condone abuse or a husband’s sin against his wife. And I don’t write for women who are in abusive situations.
It breaks my heart that you have so misunderstood my message, but I am glad you brought up your concerns.
In my marriage, I was the one who had not been corrected by my parents or confronted or corrected by my husband. That was not good either. All of us need to be called into account for our sin – the truth spoken in love.
When our husbands and God do not agree, we are to obey God rather than men. Husbands never have absolute authority over a wife. God is the only one with absolute authority and He has absolute authority over all of us, men and women.
God would tell you to disobey your husband if your husband is asking you to sin. But you can do so with a respectful, godly, submissive spirit. Again, the post Spiritual Authority covers that topic. 🙂
Much love to you! I am so glad you realize that submission is not about being a doormat!
We can go to two sinful extremes – dominant, controlling, disrespect or passive, with exaggerated submission and respect. Neither of those extremes honor God.
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Hello again peacefulwife, while i have not read every one of your articles, i have read enough of them to understand what you are telling wives. If i have indeed misunderstood your teachings, please know that i’m not the only one. I do not question your faith, but rather your belief/advice for wives in struggling marriages. Since this is in fact your audience. I know you are not a counselor and you have given a disclaimer that your advice is not for marriages where there is abuse/addictions. But the cause of most bad marriages is sin, often coupled with abuse, addictions, mental illness. My concern is that your advice puts wives in a position of being quite passive. If the husband is indeed abusive, or just in fact a bully, then it creates a dangerous situation for a wife. Much of your response to my initial comment was reiteraring what i already stated. If i simply read that one comment, i would be in agreeance with you. But as i said, i have read several of your posts, prompting my reply. I know you mean well, as do i. I also know that if you shower love, praise, and do almost anything some one tells you to do/not to do, that it will create some peace.. But not a godly realationship. You are basing your blog on your experiece, etc. I am basing my response on the same. You married a quiet man who didn’t raise his voice at you, per his admission in a posting. There are many marriages where husbands are very harsh, and implementing some of the ideas you suggested are not a good idea. Im not saying i disagree with all of your advice, i do not. And i know it comes from your heart and again, that your intetions are good. My sister in Christ, all i am saying is that in loving our husband we must seek God’s discernment over man’s/woman’s.
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Kim,
I am in total agreement with you that we must absolutely seek God’s discernment over human wisdom, that we must be Spirit-filled and sensitive to God’s prompting and His voice about how to handle situations. I talk about that in countless posts. What I said did reiterate what you stated in your comment because I have addressed all of those issues a number of times in the past. It’s frustrating to me that a wife could actually agree with me – like you actually do – but miss that in my posts. I’m really quite distressed to hear what you think I am saying, because that is not my message, for women to sit silently in response to sin or to take abuse. I never ever suggest such a thing. I love ALL of my sisters (and brothers) so much. The thought of anyone misunderstanding just grieves my heart.
Husbands DO need to lead. The post Spiritual Authority and A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage talk about this, as well as The Danvers Statement on My Beliefs.
I don’t attempt to teach husbands. My calling is Titus 2:3-5. But everything God commands husbands to do still stands even though I choose to honor God’s Word about women not having authority over men in the church to teach them.
I do talk about that my inevitable slant will be from a former dominant wife with a former passive husband. I realize that women with different dynamics may need a different approach, which I try to also mention often – that women who have a history of being too quiet or who have husbands who tend to be harsh will be approaching things from a different slant than I do – learning to speak up more and to be sure to use their “influence authority” wisely and not to give up her needs, feelings, thoughts, desires, concerns, etc… I have also tried to involve other women’s stories with different dynamics on my blog – so that my voice is not the only voice here. I am in agreement that sometimes wives with very different backgrounds from mine may do better with a blog written by someone in a more similar marriage dynamic.
I do talk about wives who have been very dominating, critical, condemning, etc… having a period of silence – not forever – but for a time, according to God’s prompting, to learn to stop the attacks and disrespect against their husbands. Wives who have been overly respectful, too passive, and too quiet would not need that kind of time because they haven’t been attacking and verbally abusing their husbands.
Just this past week, I had a post about Righteous Anger and Jealousy. I am hopeful that most women could read that posts and realize that there are times when they need to speak against their husbands sin by God’s wisdom and the power of His Spirit.
I have the posts that I mentioned in my comment to you all at the top of my home page because I hope that when people first come to my blog, they will start there, and that they will see a balanced view.
Most of the women who read my blog – based on surveys I have conducted – are in my marriage dynamic. So, I do spend a good bit of time on the dominant wife/passive husband theme. That is my primary target audience.
I have asked for wives with other dynamics to share and to write posts for me quite a few times – but honestly, it has been very difficult for me to find wives who tended to be overly submissive before who have healed or are healing and who are willing to write. And wives who tended to be overly submissive who have dominating, harsh husbands are almost never free to write about their marriages. Their husbands generally will not permit it. So, I am aware that I have weaknesses in this area on my blog, and I have tried to fill those holes and I have tried to be upfront and honest with all of my readers about my shortcomings and limitations and the limits of this blog. Sadly, I don’t have strong, growing, godly Titus 2 wives from those backgrounds who are ready, able, and willing to help me write to give the blog more balance. I would love for you to pray with me about that need.
I actually had a husband who tended to be a very strong personality who was a strong believer in Christ as a guest writer (he was a pastor), and his advice was directed specifically toward wives whose husbands were overly harsh. Many wives in this situation LOVED him. His advice fit their situation. But one of my women readers drove him away after about 2 posts and he decided to leave so that he didn’t detract from the purpose of my blog.
And then there is the issue of abuse – women who are in abusive situations mishear me. Many, many times. I have spoken with other nationally known speakers who speak about respect and biblical submission and they say the same thing. That when they talk about just “normal respect stuff,” women with a history of abuse hear “be quiet take the abuse” and that is not what is being said. I am very concerned for women who are dealing with actual abuse – and I want them to get the specialized help they will need. I don’t want them to read my blog. That is why I ask them over and over again not to read my blog – particularly the posts about marriage dynamics where I am talking about a dominant wife/passive husband issue. I don’t want them to be hurt, but to receive godly counseling about their particular situations from someone who can get to know them in person and lead them one-on-one through the valley and challenges they face. I talk about that often.
I really appreciate that you are sharing your concerns. I depend on feedback. This is how I am sharpened and how I learn and grow. I need feedback and I prayerfully consider any criticisms I receive. I will continue to pray about the issues you have brought up and will ask my prayer team to pray, as well.
I do NOT want women to hear what you seem to be hearing on my blog. That makes me incredibly sad. This is why I have so many disclaimers over and over again that women who have severe issues, who are dealing with abuse, or where there are mental issues should not read my blog but seek godly, experienced one-on-one help. I was hoping that a dear friend of mine with a ministry about respect was going to have a blog up this past year for abused wives – but her legal department decided it was too much liability. I know that women with abusive husbands or a history of being abused will need very particular and focused resources and help. And this is why I have said many, many times that wives who were too passive or who had husbands who were very harsh may have to approach things from an opposite angle. I do know that if wives who have been too passive with husbands who have been too harsh try to take advice I give about the specific dynamic of a dominant wife/passive husband – it will not be the right approach, and could be harmful. I have addressed that – a number of times. I am not sure how to make it more clear. I am completely open to suggestions. I do talk about my experience. I intend to lift Scripture above my experience. But I cannot completely erase my slant. And I cannot manufacture experiences that I do not have. I also cannot make other wives write for me who do have those experiences. So that is a problem.
I know that Scripture will apply to all women in all situations. I am very aware that my wisdom won’t be very helpful in many situations and I try to be very clear about that.
How can I get this message to be more clear to new readers? I am totally open to any suggestions you might have.
I appreciate you sharing what you are seeing. I WANT this to be better and to be more clear. I have thought about writing long disclaimers on every single post – but that does not seem practical. I cannot possibly share everything in every post. But I want to get this information to my most vulnerable readers quickly. Apparently the posts at the top of my home page and the disclaimers in many, many of my posts are not communicating things well enough. That breaks my heart.
I appreciate your willingness and courage to address this. I appreciate the respectful, loving spirit with which you are speaking. Thank you so much for having this discussion with me. I am really looking forward to hearing your ideas. Maybe you will consider praying with me about this, as well. It is an issue that is extremely important to me. I don’t want anyone to EVER be misled on my site or to misunderstand. I long to point everyone to Christ alone.
Much love to you!
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Kim,
Perhaps you would like to write a sample post for wives with husbands who are very harsh or bullies and give examples of how wives might respond in a godly way for me to consider using?
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Hi again peaceful wife, my suggestion is that you offer articles/resources/even links to women who want to submit and be a peacefulwife to husbands who either remain passive/unwilling to lead and/or are controlling and lead in anger. Wives need to hear how to deal with this, and guard their hearts, to honor God in a way that protects woman from abuse. Like you, i have been with my husband a long time, over 12 years. Im not interested in blogging, but do counsel younger christian woman. We live in a small town and attend a great baptist church, where i know God is at work and will speak to us both. Our job is to listen & follow! Take care
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Kim,
Thank you very much for your suggestions. I will certainly prayerfully consider all that you have shared. Much love to you!
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Oops, just realized that the Danvers Statement was not included on My Belief’s page, but I corrected that this morning.
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Many people outside looking in believe that I am dominant in my marriage. I don’t believe that is the case. My MIL believes I am disrespectful to my husband because I speak up when something isnt right. Kim, it brings me so much relief to see your response after reading the list provided in this article, that there is someone that exists that has a more realistic view in what it means to serve God and respect your husband. Not saying the article was not useful, but in many situations, men often take advantage of the idea that their wives are to be submissive to them. My husband is one of them. I am now proceeding with a separation from him as a result. I tried to fulfill this role in my marriage, and it only resulted in me becoming very depressed, unappreciated and quite miserable. I lost sight of who I was trying to be someone I was not. In the beginning of my marriage, my husband admitted to infidelity, and because at the time I felt that he, like anyone else deserved a second chance, I forgave him. This was my mistake.After i chose to stay he told me his cheating didnt count because we weren’t married yet, the cheating happened during our engagement. I should have left him when it happened. Throughout our marriage he has told me that im not godly enough to raise my kids, allowed his mother to disrespect me and even talk negatively about me in front of my children. He is lazy in our marriage and only contributes when its suitable for him. I am beyond done and I came to this website to figure out if there was something I was doing wrong to figure out why I am not happy with him. I don’t particularly agree with your approach in this article, only because it puts a lot on us as wives to not act when there are times when the man should be corrected. It doesn’t mean we are disrespecting him, but just as much is expected from us, the same consideration should be given to the men as well.
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Dominant Wife,
If a man is living in unrepentant sin – God does not call us to respect that. There are times we do need to confront our husbands. Here is a post about that.
This one post is not the entire picture of marriage. It is a snapshot of what feels disrespectful to husbands. Of course, there are things that feel disrespectful and unloving to wives, as well. And there are sins that husbands commit that need to be addressed.
My purpose is to seek to help women be the women God desires us to be and that we might not respond in sin no matter what is going on with our husbands. We don’t have to be hateful or bitter or disrespect them even if they are wrong. There can be times separation may be necessary. I would love for wives to prayerfully evaluate their own motives and hearts about such a big decision. But I do realize there are times that separation can be necessary, unfortunately. Here is a post about that – Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Wives do have needs. We can (and often should) certainly ask for what we need and share our concerns. I believe we can do that without screaming or throwing things or calling our husbands names. I believe we can be filled with the Spirit of God all the time and His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control ought to be part of our daily character. We respond out of the goodness of God that is in us. We don’t have to respond in the flesh with hatred, bitterness, gossip, resentment, screaming, or saying hurtful and hateful things. (Galatians 5:18-25)
Husbands and wives both usually have quite a bit of sin on their own plates to take care of. I was shocked to see the sin in my own life when God opened my eyes 7 years ago. I thought I had been the best Christian wife ever and that God needed to change my husband because he was not loving enough. Then He showed me my unbelievable pride, self-righteousness, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, disrespect, control, idolatry of self, gossip, hatred, grudge-holding, disrespect toward Him, and unbelief in Him. Turned out I personally had so much sin in my own life to work on, I really had to focus on that for quite awhile. But how I praise and thank God for revealing my sin to me and not leaving me in all of that filth! It was PAINFUL to repent and to dig out all the wrong thoughts and lies I had embraced about God, myself, marriage, masculinity, femininity, and my husband. But God began to radically change me. He is still changing me! I have thousands of miles to go on this journey myself.
Check out the post about confronting our husbands. Perhaps God may speak to your heart today, as well?
Much love to you! Thank you so much for sharing your frustration and concerns. 🙂
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It is amazing how many of these things my husband does to me. But, it takes two to destroy a marriage, just like it takes two to build it. I am not without fault. I just wonder if he ever loved me from the start.
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oh yeah..that is so good..so many things that we as a wves should look at..what about the men? what is desrespectful to women?
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Heleni,
Men and women both need love AND respect. Men tend to be more focused on respect and often need a little more help with love. Women tend to be focused on love and not notice a lot about respect.
I only teach wives and women, so I don’t address men and what they could or should do. But my husband has a blog for men http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com. He has many posts about ways husbands can love their wives and some about what is unloving to wives. 🙂
Thanks for the comment and question!
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My husband professes to love me but he does not respect me. I will be very happy if he rather respects me and stops humiliating me than loving me. I think that women deserves to be respected too not only loved.
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Rhoda,
Yes, husbands and wives both need respect and love.
Would you like to email me and we can talk about what is going on? 🙂 aprilc@sc.rr.com
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Peacefulwife
Just came across your blog as I’m having great difficulty in my marriage regarding respect.
Would you mind if I emailed you to talk further?I feel as though I’m drowning.
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Hello, I am a married man in a situation where my wife,her mother & sister have conspired aganist following my leadership. I’m about to burst at the seams. My wife went behind my back & invested money in an MLM company without speaking to me first. When I found out, I asked her to stop and she agreed. Weeks later, I have found out that she lied to me & now she wants to go to a conference that supposedly involves this company. I then told her since she hid the venture from me and continued to partake in it after I asked her to stop (in which she lied) that, if she goes to the conference, I’m terminating the marriage. I don’t understand why she thinks it’s okay to lie to me and expect for me to support her in a venture that she never brought to the table.
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William,
I’m so very sorry to hear about this situation. I pray that you won’t terminate the marriage. I agree that your wife lying to you was completely wrong and that she needs to repent. But – God gives very few reasons to us as believers in Christ for divorce. The Bible and Divorce.
I pray that you might have God’s wisdom as you deal with this issue – that there might be healing and restoration of the marriage and reconciliation. I pray for God’s greatest glory in both of your lives and the marriage.
Here is a post that may be a blessing to you – written by my brother “When My Spouse Is Wrong“
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May I please email you too?
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PN,
I am unfortunately, not able to email wives at this time. But I am available here and am happy to talk with you here. 🙂
Much love!
April
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Hi,
i came across your blog when i was furiously looking into why single woman make a play for men that are attached, after another incident being on the negative receiving end of certain types of womens advances towards my soon to be husband (we are getting married in 5 months). Having just read a previous article you wrote which had the link for this one, it made me relise that i am helping their cause (not to cheat but to destroy what we have) by disrespecting him.
I am fortunate that he is not the type to flirt back, and in fact gives them very short shrift especially if he knows that they know he is with me (most of his admirers do know), however i end up taking it out on him, because either i do not find out untill after said woman has left or the next day as he knows my temperament, and is scared i will flip out and have a right go at the woman which could end with me in a fight (i have anger issues and have been betrayed before so i respond aggressively to people that behave that way).
I relize that this is an unacceptable way to behave, and it does play on my mind, and hurt me that i find it hard to be more ladylike and gracious in these circumstances, which is why I was intrigued by the name “the peacfulwifes blog”, and the calm way in which you give advice to deal with certain situations, i know this might feel abit extreme but even with just an internet article i felt a certain comfort and peace with the whole idea of stepping back from the situation to analyse, try and calmly address any issues, and then its down to the other person as the ball is in their court. Its like letting go of trying to control, you still have to be proactive in the sense you do the best for your marriage etc but you stop wagging the finger and correcting, which whilst disrepectful to your man, is also mentally draining for the woman.
Reading the article on What is Disrepectful to Men, made me relise that when i get threatened, i behave this way towards him, because i am trying to chatise him and make sure “he behaves himself”, which really isn’t what i should be doing at all.
I am going to take a much closer look at your articles, peacefull wife is something i really want to embrace, for both the sake of my future husband and me. I really do not want to be a harpie, even if provoked by an outside influence.
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A bit of a Mistake!!!
i mistakenly wrote Hi Heleni, i got that completely wrong, Heleni’s post was so close to yours that i saw it as your name at the top of the post, please take that part out of the reply, my apologies, no offense intended
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No problem! I can edit it. 🙂
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Louise,
I am really glad to hear from you!
I definitely think you may find some helpful resources here. Check out the posts from 11-3-12 > 11-7-12. They are about some different ways we as women often try to control our men and what is actually behind all of that as well as how to find freedom from trying to control by putting Christ squarely as LORD of our lives.
Let me know if you have any other questions.
As your man sees that you are calm, peaceful, confident, full of joy, respectful and cooperative – he will be even more enamored with you and won’t have to be afraid to share things with you – even if a woman flirts with him. If he’s not flirting back – that is all he really has control over! It sounds like he’s a great guy. If you want to scare him away – freaking out and getting really out of control and aggressive will probably do it.
I’m looking forward to seeing what God has in store fro you and for your relationship! 🙂
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Hi there, Peaceful wife!
My husband tells me rather often that I am disrespectful to him. I have asked him to do this, I asked him to tell me as soon as he can and in private (not in front of our children) when I am disrespectful to him. This way he doesn’t keep it in and build up a volcano to erupt, like he’s done before, and to better help me see exactly what I am doing wrong, so I can apologize and then correct it.
He did it today (in front of our children) but, I don’t mind a once in a while in front of our children, because I want them to see a good healthy way of talking through these things in a Godly marriage. He said I seem to want to show off in front of others, appear like the boss. We had dinner with his cousin and her family, I am rather close to her and it’s been a while since we last saw them. During the dinner, I felt a bit bad inside a few times like maybe I should’ve said or did something different, and I might’ve been disrespectful but really couldn’t tell, as he must’ve pulled off an amazing poker face, but I know I was searching for it. When he told me I did it again, I told him of this and told him again, that to remember that is never my intention, that I am trying to change and better recognize these things before doing them, but it can be hard for me. I quickly apologized, and reassured him, that that was not my heart, and I did not want to disrespect him. He accepted my apology but stated he was still angry/upset, and that that emotion would not simply be able to dissipate as quick just because I apologized. He also showed little confidence in my apology, and says it’s because I always do it and an apology doesn’t do anything, because it didn’t save him from the humiliation at dinner.
At this point, I decided in my mind to seek the very definition of respect, and some Godly advice on respecting my husband. Which I came across your amazing seemingly God sent blog.
It hurts me to know that I disrespect him and make him feel this way, and frustrates me that I haven’t gotten better at it enough for him to see and difference and have a little more faith in my trying to improve in this area. It also kinda depresses me, I’m trying so hard and still being a failure at conquering this. I know I should pray about this. And I find your list very helpful as I find I have done almost everything on there it really shows me how many blows he’s endured.
How can I better catch myself and then change myself to be a respectful wife that my husband will be proud of, one he knows and can say is respectful to him. I don’t want to disrespect him ever, but is that possible, too? Is it possible to never disrespect your husband?
I saw a mention of a book of respect challenge for a wife to her husband….should I start with that, and if so, how can I obtain that. I just don’t want to be that wife, and I don’t want my husband to be anything than happy in our marriage. And I want to be a good role model for our son and daughter on what/how a Godly woman/wife should behave, I want to have a good and fruitful marriage. But I feel like I am making it sour, and it’s something so hard for me to see, and correct. I feel like I have come a bit of a way on it, but my husband doesn’t, which makes me fear that I really haven’t or he has just lost hope that I will ever be able to change. Or maybe that is all he sees now, I don’t know. Please help, and give me the right expectations on the best outcome, is it possible to never disrespect your husband? How do I show him respect, that I’ve changed, and give him hope and restore his faith in me to change and be a better wife?
Sincerely,
Victoria
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Hi April,
thank you for your response, i will look up the posts you have advised.
Patrick is a great guy and i definitely do not want to scare him off by freaking out, especially because of anothers behaviour.
I have read a number of posts already and you really give a good perspective.
Thank you for sharing your experiences
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Louise,
You are more than welcome. Let me know how you do. 🙂
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Some of these things are just called “being married” or being human. It seemed like the intention kf the post was “don do this list of things” but I think it would have been better to summarize with much fewer, generalized bullet points. If men feel disrespected by these things, then please don’t get married because guaranteed more than one of these things will come up possibly daily. Some of these things make my husband stronger on a daily basis and grow us closer together. We just need to be honest with each other and fix the problem. If everyone did that, there would be no need for lists like this to make women (or even men) feel inferior. I think its just laundry listing of how a woman can be a bad wife and some of it just sounds like normal things. Things like “putting a list of things for me to do on fridge” and “questioning my decision”. I understand there are extremes but many costly mistakes and house fires have been avoided because a woman questioned her man’s decision. This is marriage folks, a give and take, it’s not that hard.
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Liza,
I am so glad to hear from you! Thank you for the points you bring up – they are important! 🙂
When I first read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and realized that husbands need respect just like wives need love – that respect is their primary need, not love – I was really shocked. I had been married 15 years at that time, and had never really given much thought to the masculine world of respect – honestly, I didn’t even know it existed. I thought men and women thought, felt and processed things the same way. I didn’t understand why my husband was unplugged and passive for most of our marriage. And suddenly, I realized why. I had unknowingly been coming across very disrespectfully. Unfortunately, I had no list of what men find to be respectful or disrespectful, and my husband had been feeling disrespected (but never told me) for so long, that he wasn’t sure himself what respect or disrespect felt like. So I WANTED to learn to become the wife God wanted me to be. I wanted to learn to meet his greatest need in marriage – but I had no clue what I was doing. That is why I asked husbands to send me lists of what feels disrespectful to them.
This is a compilation of about 8 husbands’ lists. Each husband has his own list. The most important thing is what feels respectful and disrespectful to your own husband, of course.
Many of these things seem like such small things to women. But we don’t realize how easily we come across disrespectfully, never meaning to – and then we have no idea why our husband react in anger or by shutting down and stonewalling. It’s very similar for the husbands. My husband has a list of things husbands do that are unloving – and most husbands don’t intentionally try to be unloving, but that is what wives feel sometimes.
If we don’t know that we are wounding our husbands, we can’t fix the problem.
It actually IS possible to learn to communicate our needs, desires, wants and feelings without being disrespectful. It takes the power of God’s Spirit working in us! But when a wife decides to learn to stop her unintentional disrespect and decides to learn this foreign language of respect – miracles happen in marriage.
God has many purposes in marriage. The primary one is for us to represent the very great mystery of Christ and the church to the world. The husband is to represent Christ, the wife is to represent the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). We as God’s people often disrespect God in many of the same ways wives disrespect their husbands. And this causes us to break fellowship with God. We as believers in Christ are to show respect and reverence for Him. Obviously, our husbands are not deity, they are sinful men who desperately need Jesus’ blood just like we women do. But for marriage to work smoothly, our husbands need to feel respected just like we need to feel loved.
God also wants to use marriage to make us holy. Husbands have to learn that when they do things they think are respectful -like not helping unless we ask them to – we take that as being unloving. And wives have to learn that when they do things they think are being loving – like jumping in to give unsolicited advice – husbands take that as being disrespectful.
This is not about labeling women as bad wives. It is hopefully a little glimpse into the minds of our husbands – to help us see that their perspective is vastly different from our own. It’s not about us being wrong – or men being wrong – we are different. So how can we learn to speak their language better? That is the question, to me.
Some husbands actually are glad for their wives to give them reminders. But for some men, that implies the wife thinks that he is inept. It depends on the man.
I believe wives CAN and SHOULD say what they want and how they feel – but we can do that in a way that takes our husbands’ feelings into account. For most men, asking “why would you…” sounds like we are questioning their intelligence. Just a simple change in our words and tone of voice can make all the difference in the world! We can use a pleasant tone of voice and say, “I want to do X, please.” “I’m nervous about doing Y.” Or, “I’m confused about this, would you mind telling me a bit more, please?” Can get us the information we want, allow us to share our perspective (which is very important) AND allow our husbands to feel respected at the same time.
You may want to check out the post at the top of my home page about respect, too.
At first, when I was learning about respect – I was horrified to realize that almost every word out of my mouth was coming across disrespectfully to my husband. But God has changed my heart and mind and helped me learn how to be much more the wife He desires me to be – and now it is just normal to be respectful. The thing I didn’t expect was how peaceful, joyful and content I would feel. I have become the woman I always wanted to be. I’m not arguing, complaining, scolding, criticizing, nagging and ordering my husband around anymore. God has truly given me a gentle, peaceful spirit that does not get anxious or afraid. And I love it! I have the marriage of my dreams, now! My husband is VERY involved with me and our children now. He is so attentive and loving and generous. He CARES about my feelings now that he knows I respect him. He wants more than anything to make me happy now. See, when a man feels disrespected, he doesn’t let that person’s feelings into his heart. He won’t do things for someone who disrespects him – just out of principle. But when a husband feels very respected by his wife, he wants to do ANYTHING he can for her to show his love and to delight her.
I hope to hear from you again soon!
I pray for God’s greatest glory in your walk with Him and your marriage. 🙂
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Yes there are things that come with marriage, however it is important to a relationship that each person in the marriage try to uplift their mate versus tear them down! As a man it is important for me to feel that my wife respects me over all and if she falls short she respects me enough to recognize this and try to correct it. The same for me.
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James M.,
Thank you for sharing!
I have a post at the top of my home page about respect as well, you are welcome to add anything you would like to either list.
I appreciate your perspective and wisdom.
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Liza, I don’t think that list is saying EVERY wife does EVERY one of these things. I think it is so important to find out which of these things feel like a slap in the face to your man and find a way to do it differently. Example: my husband wants notes on the fridge with details so if I say I told you to … he can say it’s not written down. On the other hand if he makes a financial decision that turns out wrong, he feels worse then I do, my nagging is like twisting the knife in his back once he is stabbed.
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Amen! Husbands and wives should build each other up and sometimes that means speaking up.
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If your doing even 10% of this list on a daily basis to your husband, and truly think that he is better for it. you are a fool and your husband is a fool for being with you. In order to be disrespected that much and tolerate it your husband must not have respect for himself. Or maybe you have belittled him so much that that he does not think he has earned your respect. Woman was created for man, man was not created for woman if you think you can earn any mans love with disrespect and feel that it has made your marriage stronger i feel very bad for your husband
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Garett,
I agree that even doing “a little bit” of these kind of disrespectful things could cause massive damage to a husband’s soul and the marriage. While some of these things on the list may seem small to women, they can be a very big deal to men. My prayer is that God might help us as wives to begin to understand our husbands’ masculine needs, even though they are different sometimes from our own. I pray God might give us eyes to see from our husbands’ perspectives so that we can become the women and wives God desires us to be and that our husbands need.
Thanks for sharing a masculine perspective. This can be a very overwhelming list sometimes for wives at first, and sometimes it can be really difficult for women to understand just how toxic these seemingly “normal” behaviors can be to a marriage.
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I am new to this blog and love it so much. After reading the list of ways we can disrespect our husbands, I will admit that I have done MANY of them. And I did not realize what I was doing. Some of my disrespectful behavior was my way of trying to deal with bitterness and hurt I have felt in our marriage. After 22 years together and 3 boys, my husband has been threatening a divorce for a year. We live in the same home and live separate lives. I have asked for forgiveness and apologized for my behavior over and over. My husbands say that I not a trustworthy person so his walls will not let me in. We just started counseling. My goal is marriage restoration, his is not..he just wants to be able to parent peacefully. I am crushed. I will stand for my marriage yet there are days I can barely go on.
We are both Christians. I don’t know what he is doing or who his support system is. This mess has broken up our family as we worship alone and my kids do not want to go to church anymore.
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Betsy,
Oh dear! What a painful, tangled mess. 😦
BUT – how encouraged I am that God has opened your eyes! Most wives do NOT realize that so many of these things we do come across so destructively to our husbands. I had no idea! I mean, I knew that screaming, cussing, calling him names, or threatening divorce was disrespectful. But I had no idea how much my criticism, tone of voice, pride, self-righteousness, negativity, and dictating to him was disrespectful. I totally didn’t see it for over 14 years. He never confronted me about any of it. Never said a word. I didn’t even know I had hurt my husband, whom I dearly love. 😦 Makes me so sad thinking about how much I sabotaged our marriage unknowingly. That is why I want other women to get this information ASAP!
How is your walk with Christ going?
It is fine if he doesn’t want to restore the marriage. His feelings are changeable through the power of Jesus working in his life. I vote not to pressure him about restoration – but just to allow God to change you to become the woman and wife He wants you to be – and we will trust God together to heal your husband.
You may want to pray about whether to show your husband this list and tell him that you now are realizing that you did these things and how much that must have wounded him. If he is unwilling to listen to any words at all, just stop the disrespectful stuff – and begin to learn to treat him with respect. He will notice. He may test you about it – he may think your motives are impure and that you are trying to manipulate him for months. But in time – he will see that you are going to do this for the rest of your life and that you are going to treat him with honor and respect. I wonder if he might be willing to tell you the 3 biggest things that feel the most disrespectful to him?
It took 3.5 years for Greg to feel safe with me again once I began this journey. And he was not threatening divorce. This is a long process. Get “many years” in your mind. And just take one day at a time. Seek to please and obey and honor Christ. Seek to be as close to Him and as filled with His Spirit as possible. Let God heal you and transform you and get rid of anything that He doesn’t want in your life. And seek to bless your husband without any expectations for him to return. Do this for Jesus – to please Him alone. When you start to feel overwhelmed and disappointed that your husband is not plugged into your marriage, remember, you are on this journey for Christ and it is all about Him. Keep your eyes on Him.
I have so many posts that I believe will bless you and help you on this journey.
I’m glad we can walk this road together, my sister!
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I just ran into this blog today. There are some great articles on this site. Do men usually participate here? Unfortunately a lot of the posts speak to my marriage. As a Christian man it is often hard to talk with people or get them to understand what is going on. I understand what the issues are in my marriage but they seem not to be getting better with time. Most of the issues seem to be that of respect or the lack thereof. From my perspective it has had a really bad effect on the whole family. I guess my question is how long did it take you ladies to realize what the problem was and also what role did your husbands play in helping you realize respect was an important issue that overlapped into so many other areas?
Thanks for your time!
CJ
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CJ,
Men are welcome here. I appreciate the insight, wisdom, perspective and comments of men. And sometimes I ask men to answer questions like this and I post the answers.
I am only writing for women. I believe God’s Word prohibits women from having authority over men to teach them. So I try to be very careful to honor God about that.
My husband has a site for men that you may like, http://www.reapectedhusband.wordpress.com.
But many husbands find insight here on Peacefulwife about WHY their wives struggle so much with disrespect and control. It is actually a very deeply rooted problem that goes all the way to the core of her understanding about God and herself. The way a wife treats her husband is usually a very accurate indicator of the way she also treats God. A controlling, disrespectful wife is usually demanding and attempts to control God, too. She usually has herself and being in control as idols. Sometimes she also has her husband as an idol and expects him to be perfect by her own definition and to make her happy.
Wives do not generally wake up to this on their own. They must have God open their eyes. Usually in a book or blog post or marriage class or by someone gently confronting their sin. Ignoring it will not make it go Away. I love the post on my husband’s site from last week about a husband in this situation and how he handled this with prayer and trusted God to reveal his wife’s disrespect and control to her, and He did! It is amazing.
I woke up when I read Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs 4 years ago.
Let me assure you, most wives’ disrespect has almost nothing to do with their husbands. They often think if they had a “better” or “more godly” man, they would be more respectful. Not so! We are disrespectful because that is what is in our hearts towards God Himself and God-given authority and we would treat another man the same way. We would still think we were always right and knew best and we would still be prideful and have idolatry in our hearts and be full of unforgiveness and bitterness.
I pray for wisdom and God’s power for you as you seek to address this important issue in your marriage. I am happy to correspond with your wife if she is willing. But I understand she may not be willing or able to hear these things yet. My email is aprilc@sc.rr.com.
From the time God opened my eyes, it took about two years of intensive study and prayer for hours most every day for me to feel like these new godly ways became normal. Some women take longer than that. This is a lengthy and complicated process of overhauling the entire soul and building completely from scratch on God’s Word. There is no magic switch. It is like learning a new language, and women make a lot of mistakes at first, especially the first few months. It will take a lot of patience on your part even when her eye are opened. But I pray for her eyes to open soon and for God’s greatest glory for your marriage!
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April I visit your husband sit great he need more advise like you example list of disrespectful… In going to forward this to my boyfriend he might find it helpful
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I think these lists are helpful.
He does have a list about “356 ways to love your wife.” And a list about “Things Husbands to that Make their Wives Feel Unloved.”
I think you can scroll back on his archives to find them. 🙂
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Oh!
Some women with strong, godly husbands do have help from their husbands and some coaching as they learn. The more loving, gentle, humble, calm, patient, forgiving and Christlike the husband is, the easier the Learning process is for the wife. A husband’s obedience to God makes it infinitely less scary for a wife to trust her husband. Submission is terrifying. Learning to respect and stop disrespect is extremely Counterintuitive to most women. We have to die to self and tear out all our idols and learn that God is sovereign, not us!
A husband can help his wife by praying for her, and with her, and teaching her about God’s sovereignty and talking about idolatry and reading God’s Word with her and repenting of Any sin in his own life and being humble.
I apologized to my husband and begged him to tell me what was respectful and disrespectful to him. We had been married 14.5 years. I had been dominating and he became passive. He didn’t know what was respectful or disrespectful at first. And I was clueless, too. I needed help! That is why my husband asked me to teach this stuff to other wives.
But a godly man can help lead his wife through these things. It would make things go more smoothly. You will need to be prepared to offer a lot of grace! Respect and submission will not make sense at first to your wife.
Let me know how you are doing! I will pray!
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Children are greatly impacted by a wife’s respect and submission. When she begins to respect and honor her husband’s God-given leadership the children often immediately begin respecting both parents much more and obeying much better, too. The wife is the example of how the church relates to Christ. Her example of respect and biblical submission train her children how to relate to God-given authority and to God Himself. There are huge ramifications in the family. Not to mention, the Word of God is maligned when wives are disrespectful or don’t honor their husbands’ leadership – unless the husband is asking his wife to sin. Our witness for Christ is greatly tarnished when we don’t obey God S wives and we can disqualify our husbands for church leadership if we are disrespectful and contentious.
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Thank you for your graceful reply. I do agree with you. I’ve been praying and do attempt to be graceful and forgiving. I’m actually a Pastor now so I have an obligation to thet church and ofcourse mainly to my family to try to lead correctly. The funny thing is the people I teach through Gods grace all respect me. But my wife, that’s another story. My wife does not support my ministry and still goes to another church (with her mom, which is a whole issue itself). At one time I took a sabbatical from the ministry with the hopes that I could work on the family and go back into with full support. That lasted a year but after recieving counsel from my other pastor friends and members I came back to use the gifts God has given me. Its hard to express all the issues in one blogpost but writing is therapeutic so I feel a bit better already. Reading some of the posts have also encouraged me. Thanks to all.
CJ
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CJ,
I can’t tell you how much your situation breaks my heart. I am a pastor’s daughter in law. I understand how difficult it is to be a pastor and a pastor’s wife or family – the microscope that you are under all the time. I have a post about being a godly pastor’s wife – I think it was in Sept or Oct, or you can search pastor’s wife on my home page. I have seen many pastors’ wives ruin churches and pastors’ careers. Thankfully, my mother in law set a very good example as a pastor’s wife.
I have seen God deal with some pastors’ wives on my blog and change them from being full of contempt, hatred, bitterness, resentment, pride and self righteousness, to being broken, humble and ready to submit to Christ and their husbands.
If you will allow me to, I would like to include you and your wife on the list for my prayer team to pray for this Wednesday. It is obviously God’s will for your marriage to be healed, and for your wife to respect you and honor your God-given authority unless you are asking her to sin or condone sin. I am sure you know how critical it is for your ministry and your children for God to open your wife’s eyes. Much is at stake.
I am happy to pray for you any time. I can’t wait to see what God has in store!!!
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Thank you again for taking the time to read the posts (as well as the many others). Ofcourse you can pray. I welcome and appreciate it. Thank you. I will check the other blogs you mentioned as well as your husbands. I will post again soon. Thanks.
CJ
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A wife going to another church? THAT should NOT be happening; especially if you are the pastor. There is no need for special command of manhood esoterica here, a wife should be with and under her husband.
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My husband and I are both guilty of the list above, so where does that leave us?
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Darling,
The great news is, whether your husband does anything or not, you can change your behavior, and that will begin to heal your marriage, especially if you repent to God and seek to set your heart completely on Christ and not feeling loved or being in control. There is a post at the top of my home page about respect. As you cut out the negativity, lecturing, criticizing, controlling, scolding, sighing, scowling, eye rolling, etc… You will begin to become much more the woman you have always wanted to be and that God has always wanted you to be. Then when you begin to add respect and cooperation with your husband’s leadership and the power of God working in you, it is a recipe for miracles! First, God will change you. And as your voice of negativity goes silent, and you begin to praise him, thank him, appreciate him and build him up about the good things, he will be able to hear God’s voice much better than ever and God will use you as a partner to draw your husband closer to Him. You can’t change your husband. But God can. And if you want to see your husband become a godly man, the most powerful thing you can do is become a godly wife and obey God’s Word for you in Ephesians 5:22-33 and I Peter 3:1-6. This is a long process. It takes time. But it is the most amazing thing you will ever do in your life! God doesn’t guarantee your husband will change, but if your husband can change, this is the path to take. And God does guarantee He will change you! :). So you can have His peace and joy when you follow Jesus no matter what your husband does or does not do. Let me know how you do! Check out the Peacefulwife videos link at the top of my home page. I have a Youtube video about how to apologize for our control and disrespect to our husbands and a lot of other topics. My youtube channel is “April Cassidy”. I am praying for you and your husband and your marriage! Praying for God’s will and His greatest glory!!!!
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Thank you for this, I just found your blog tonight. I have been seperated from my husband for over a year now and I desperately want him to come home. In the last few weeks God began to show me what I was doing wrong and how I was completely focusing on my husband’s faults and not looking at my own. I repented to Godand asked for forgiveness. I also asked my husband to forgive me (through a letter because we no longer talk much or see each other) and have begun to work on myself and learn to put God first. I am trying to learn to leave things in God’s hands and not try to fix them myself. I realize now that I need to move out of the way and let God be the head of my life. I actually thought I was being a good wife, but after reading some books over the past few weeks I realized I was doing almost everything wrong. It was an eye opener for me and I am glad I found this infomation when I did. I am now striving everyday to become the woman and wife that I know God wants me to be.
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Trish,
Praise GOD! I am thrilled about what God is doing in your soul!!! I love how you apologized in a letter. It will take a lot of patience now and trust in God, but this path is so worth it and it is the only path that might bring reconciliation for your marriage. You remind me of myself four years ago.
I am glad to walk this road with you and pray with you and hash through any issues you might have! Arilc@sc.rr.com
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oops! aprilc@sc.rr.com
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Trish, there is hope. My wife and I were separated as well and God worked it out for us to get back. When God does reunite you just be careful not to fall back into the same pattern. Peacefulwife can probably eloborate much better than me. Praying for you.
CJ
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Hello,
I have another one to possible add to the list:
Putting down or belittling the husbands family in front of the kids. This has the dual purpose of insulting/disrespecting the husband by association (your family is bad, so that makes you at the very least questionable) and making the children not want to associate with the husbands side.
Hoping not too many have had to deal with this.
Praying for all readers and writers of this blog!
CJ
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CJ,
I am sure this is extremely common. And it is a very good point. Thank you for adding this to the list!
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Wow! I have read so much on how to be respectful that I have missed how to not be disrespectful. Sad to say I regularly show disrespect – even unintentially…
As a woman, it often feels that it is best to be seen not heard, to plaster a smile on, and to only speak when spoken to (and with that – only speak positively)… It is hard! I have a mind! I have an opinion! When he fails or is depressed or just doesn’t care, I am expectedd to step up and maintain everything (quite litterally), giving back that control and power is hard, mostly for fear that he will fail again, and all will be worse than if I just do it all myself.
All of that said – I want to be respectful, and I want to stop being disrespectful. I am unsure how to balance those wants with trust that I will be loved, cared for, and secure.
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My husband constantly feels as though I disrespect him and uses this word regularly in our relationship. The first issue I disrespected him over was agreeing to always take care of my body and stay around a certain weight. I had a baby and 3 and 1/2 years later I am 20 pounds overweight. He feels very uncared for and disrespected by this. Another example is that I took a job closer to home after we had the baby and I wasn’t making the kind of money that I did at my previous job, putting some pressure on him to make more. (He waits tables) He constantly asked me to get a different job and said that because I waited so long to change jobs, I was disrespecting him. Also, we spent some money on a home daycare that I didn’t do enough to make successful and he said I disrespected him because he used his extra money for it. Another example is that I have a fear of driving to places that I’ve never been to and getting lost (HORRIBLE sense of direction even with decent directions) and on Monday we need to take our 3 year old to the doctor through a pretty unsafe part of town. I asked my husband to go with me, but that would require him to lose quite a bit of sleep as he goes to bed really late working on an extra gig that makes some extra money. I told him I could just take him to a local clinic instead so I don’t have to go by myself and he said I’m always the one to never sacrifice and that his only choice is to lose sleep or pay extra for a local clinic and that again he feels disrespected and put out without me having to sacrifice anything. I feel like I do SO many things in this relationship that leaves him unhappy and feeling disrespected. I’m pretty easy going and don’t usually have any issues with him other than I feel on the defensive so often. Am I that inept at being a good wife? I really am trying to use life situations to better myself as a person, but gosh I can’t explain how all of this makes me feel. Part of me says swallow my pride and humble myself to learn and care more about how to avoid making him feel this way and the other part of me wants to run to a secluded island for some peace, but then again if i AM truly not putting forth enough effort for him, Then i won’t be doing either of us any favors. I’d ask other men for their thoughts, but I know each feels disrespected in differing ways. I can’t figure out how to meet his needs without feeling negative myself.
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Sarah,
I am so glad to hear from you!!!
Husbands definitely do need respect and thrive on respect. Just like wives need love and thrive on love. I had it pretty easy when I was learning about respect and disrespect because my husband was not demanding or controlling or critical of me. He mostly lets me do and be whatever I want to and puts very few limits on me. He is easy going and calm. He is easy to please.
When a husband is constantly citing “disrespect” – it can be excruciating for a wife. Sometimes there are some husbands who just seem impossible to please or who have very exacting standards. That makes a wife’s job so much harder.
What was your dating relationship like? Was he controlling at all, would you say?
What was your parent’ relationship like?
What was his parents’ relationship like?
Are both of you believers in Christ?
– WEIGHT – some husbands do indeed feel disrespected if they feel their wife isn’t “taking care of herself” to look her best. Losing baby weight can be a lot harder than many of us expected! It would be awesome if your husband could offer you some grace here. Or if he was willing to watch the baby while you work out – that might be a way he could support you more and make it easier for you to fit in exercise into your schedule. But you can’t control him, ultimately – you can only control yourself. If this is a big issue for him – try to decide what steps you could take towards a healthier diet and exercise. Maybe you can cut out desserts and go for walks/jogs with the baby during the day? Do what you can to take care of yourself – but don’t go crazy and start into any addictions or obsessions to try to be thinner. Try to wear clothing that he likes and wear your hair and make up the way he likes it whenever you can. Men often find a lot of their own sense of identity from the appearance of their wife. They also tend to feel respected when they have a wife who seems to respect her appearance. That does not mean he can order you around and demand that you lose weight. It’s good that he is trying to tell you what makes him feel disrespected – and then you can do your best to address the issue – but it is possible there may be some times that you can’t completely please your husband. Do your best, pray about it to God, ask your husband for what you need and then if he is still upset, that might be more of a problem on his end with expectations than your end of the relationship.
– JOB – How long did it take for you to change jobs from the time he asked you to?
– DAYCARE – sometimes in spite of our best attempts, we won’t make all the money we had hoped to make. Thank him for his faith in you and for the opportunity and ask him if there is something he sees that you could do differently. Does he want you to continue to try that?
– DR’S APPT – If you ask him to go with you and he doesn’t want to go – he can say no. You can try to go without him and maybe google map the dr’s office first so you can find it more easily on your own. I’m awful with directions, too! If you find him getting upset when you ask him to do something – it is ok for him to say no! It’s also ok for you to ask for things. Maybe he is just feeling overwhelmed, stressed, depressed or something? Trying to compare which one of you suffers more or sacrifices more is a really destructive mindset. You are ONE. You are a TEAM. You can’t change him or his attitude. But God can help you change yourself. what do you say to him and what tone of voice/facial expressions do you use when he starts getting upset about what you asked?
What happens if you say that he hurt you? What happens if you tell him you feel sad about how much he criticizes you?
How does he act towards his mom or towards coworkers and other people in his life? How does he treat the waitress if you go out to eat?
Let’s talk about this some more and walk through this together!
Much love to you!
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A lot of these, I totally get. I am a single woman, and have often said of myself that perhaps I have a slightly higher dose of testosterone or ego sensitivity than most other women. It is important in ANY leadership position with ANY COMBINATION OF GENDERS to have a united front; undermining your husband in front of the children is just not smart.
Anyway, for those I disagree with to some degree or completely or those that I just think need to be qualified; I want to have a hearty, comprehensive discussion with my man about his understanding and feelings about the fact that he is not infallible. Some of the items on this list are tantamount to not making a distinction between asking him a question and “questioning” him, his manhood, his intellectual faculties, yea even his very presence. If a man truly understands, believes, and has made peace with the reality that he is not infallible, then there is no way he should interpret some of the natural human responses such as a facial expression of doubt or hesitation or not being sure about something he’s saying (at least not immediately) as a personal attack.
I think that some of these items are based in the socialization of men and not how God made them. It’s kind of like one ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT AND WELL OVERDUE observation and theory that Stephen Arterburn put forth in his book about sexual temptation: that while men have a God-given, strong sexual drive with a visual linkage, that drive can be exacerbated and increased to an unnatural degree by the onslaught of sexually suggestive and explicit material surrounding and coming at them; I think the same principle applies to the degree of sensitivity they have about some of these crimes of disrespect.
If we take everything on this list on its face, without any analysis or qualification, (and I am a thorough believer that such analysis and qualification should be done on a case-by-case basis, from relationship to relationship, with each woman’s respective man because not all of us and not all of them are the same) then it would be tantamount to expressing ONLY approval as though everything he does is awesome, which is simply not reality. When men are sad, you might see it on their faces. When they feel disappointed or have doubts, you might get an expression of that in their gesticulations or even tone of voice (up to but not necessarily including yelling). We are human and should not have to repress, as a matter of course, the truth of how we feel just because he thinks his manhood will be blown to smithereens; I don’t see enough exploration of the likelihood that, with some of these, the basis for feelings of disappointment are an unrealistic expectation of the wife or an unrealistic belief about himself.
The fact is, there are a lot of men out there who believe they are never supposed to be wrong and/or that bringing any sort of attention to the fact/reality/truth that he JUST IS wrong, is always MORE WRONG that whatever his damaging error was. I’ve seen men who have deliberately avoided communicating ways in which they are unhappy or feel deprived in a relationship and go act out in some way that is hurtful even sinful, all the while justifying themselves, because it is obviously some universal law that their ego must be avenged and she should have intuited that she has transgressed. I’ve seen too many men gamble away rent or food money, searching for affirmation or validation of their idea of what they are entitled to as a man or their own potency–which our society has not been set up to examine. Having confidence in a man’s ability to make sound decisions on your behalf and on the behalf of those who came out of your physical body is a very serious matter.
Women are in probably the riskiest position one can be in, forgoing the opportunity to make her own provision in life and being free of dealing with the battle of wills that children bring, when she marries a man. She takes his name and trusts that he will not do something nationally or internationally embarrassing because of a bad decision or liaison, which will scar and follow her and her children for the rest of their lives (Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, Bernie Madoff, that Weiner guy, Clinton, Schwazeneggar, etc.). I think, for reasons like this, reluctance toward the enterprise of marriage and family is warranted; it is based upon ACTUAL BEHAVIOR FROM ACTUAL MEN that young women like me have seen and it seems to be pathological. If men are so much more sound in their judgments and decision-making abilities by the simple fact that they are men, and more preferable to a woman in so many cases (because of the inherent defect of our being “emotional” many have said) then why this cycle? I know it may not feel good to hear, but men who want a wife to rest her full weight and that of her children on him DO have something to prove (not ten years into the marriage when he has done well by them overall, mind you).
My heart and soul would absolutely SING, HUM, SCAT, BE-BOP, AND RAP for a man who will just do what God told him to do toward the wife without playing this game of sending silent passive-aggressive, punishing “hints” that she has disrespected him; for a man who understands that he serves God and IS NOT God so expecting me to “support” him in the form of not using the intelligence God gave me to gently scrutinize or review his proposed (not simply announced) decisions here and there is unrealistic (after all isn’t it my proper role to make sure his blind spots are covered and help insure and insulate our team effort?); for a man who understands that it is simply NOT REALITY for a wife to NEVER GIVE ANY HINT that she doesn’t feel like having sex, just the same as it is NOT REALITY to expect a man to go whistling out the door every day he’s off to the battle and warfare of competing to provide for his family yet again (love is not about feeling like doing what needs to be done, it’s about doing what needs to be done because it is what God told us and made us to do, and because it simply needs to be done). I’m just saying, it may take me a moment or two to “get in character”, so to speak, when he wants some and I feel all dried up or tired or preoccupied in my thoughts or just plain uninterested in the act itself.
If and when I do get married, I don’t want to be hooked up with someone who is looking for me to confirm his God-complex or build from the ground up what he should already know, have established, and come to a place of being satisfied with concerning his identity and worthiness (God’s job). Please don’t think I’m insensitive and cruel, it’s just that I know how much that kind of expectation from a man weighs, and I am SURE that God never designed or intended me to tiptoe and stress myself trying to make sure I avoid such a long list of things lest I devastate his manhood or masculinity. Why would God command us as wives to respect and reverence our husbands and create them to be THAT SENSITIVE to where we can’t even cock an eyebrow when he starts communicating a vision of where he would like to take us? That is not a man I can respect: one who will fall apart so easily, especially one who knows me and how I process things. We can bring a genuinely-felt complaint or grievance before God in prayer but we can’t express dissatisfaction with a created man?
Finally,
LADIES: a man of character, and especially a God-obeying man, will feel MORE NERVOUS THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE when he brings a direction he wants to take to his wife that will affect everyone (especially something big like, “I want to quit my job and start my own company”). Simply saying, “Okay, I’m with you.” is GOLD to him.
MEN: Simply saying, “Okay, I’m with you.” is GOLD to him. I DO GET THAT, but I just want you to know, from this woman, with this particular set of hesitations and concerns, too many of your team, so to speak, have given me cause for pause and I need some incentive sometimes to believe that such a victory (being found by and marrying a man whom I can totally trust this way) is not just fantasy in this day and culture, where many mens’ minds are perverted, misogynistic, or just chronically immature–often hiding beneath one or two scriptures taken out of context. Women like me want to be fully feminine and have not a worldly care, and build peace in our homes where tomorrow’s leaders are properly indoctrinated–it’s just been quite a mess lately and we need some reassurance and healing. So, in the meantime, you may see just a few seconds of something other than ecstatic cheerleading when you try to function in your God-given role. You all are a representative order, and the deeds of some of your brothers have corrupted what should be the simple process of taking a wife and stepping right into heading a family. I have been greatly pleased to see some efforts from some groups of men to confront, in self, their own causal contributions and by calling out the “knuckleheads”. As goes the man, so goes the nation.
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Marie,
Thanks for your comment!
Men feel disrespected when they are questioned in certain ways sometimes. That is why I talk a good bit about how to share our feelings and desires and concerns with our men in ways that get our message across as respectfully as possible. This list is compiled from about 9 different husbands. Each man has his own ideas of what is respectful and disrespectful – so what is most important is what your man thinks – not this list. Of course we are not always going to agree. Of course they will be wrong. If you are with a man who cannot admit fault or wrongdoing – run and run fast if you are not married to him!
It’s great to meet you!
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What if you are married already?
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Brenda,
THis whole post is about women who are married already. The response I gave to Marie was a bit different since she is still single.
If you are married – then I would suggest focusing on your relationship with Christ and obeying Him in your marriage and leaving room for God to work in your husband.
Would you like to talk about what is going on? 🙂
THanks for the question!
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Hi Marie,
If I may indeed reply to your post: I actually agree with some things you say. However, I think the general purpose of the list was to find some commonality in things that men feel are disrespectful. I can’t speak for all men, but most of the God fearing men I know do not think themselves to be perfect or have the God complex. All men however, have the affects of the sinful nature to deal with, and a culture that denies God in every way conceivable. This is not an excuse but a reality. Likewise, women also have to deal with the same fallen nature and as a result there is this situation that arises in marriage where men do not always love correctly and women do not respect adequately. You stated “the simple process of taking a wife and stepping right into heading a family” Unfortunately, I don’t think that is a simple process for any couple.
I think most Godly men expect their wives to be inquisitive or ask questions of them. It’s not all the time what you say, but how you say it. Some of the problem lies there. Both men and women want to be understood in ways that are appropriate to them. A man’s make up is much different than a woman and therefore a woman dealing with a man is much different than a woman dealing with another woman. it’s not about passively agreeing with everything he say with saying anything. it’s about respecting his intentions to make the right decision and honoring his role as husband and father. Most men will become passive only after they feel that doesn’t respect them or to avoid their anger. I don’t think it is because men are too sensitive or have the God complex.
I just think its a bit more complex than how you have it laid out. I hope I’ve made a little sense and I hope i have adequately understood your position!
CJ
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CJ,
Thank you – I appreciate your thoughtful and insightful response. Thank you for speaking for the godly men out there!
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Thanks CJ.
You may have heard one of the latest stats bandied about, how that more people are marrying LATER or waiting longer to get married. I have been one of those. I am now 35, and while I have kept myself physically for my future husband, I admit that I’ve basically been doing my own thing. I realized quite vividly last year that it can really come down to selfishness about 60% of the time I’ve said to myself, “A husband? Hmm, I don’t know about that. MAINTENANCE. And children, I know they like me, but I don’t know how I feel about them; I mean I like the idea of children, but actual in the flesh ones of my own–an entirely different situation…this is such an evil world anyway and it’s all gonna tank anytime now right?” I now know that most of this is due to the influence of the grossly self-centered and arrogant culture we have these day; most everywhere I look people are just busy trying to build their own personal empires.
One thing I am grateful for, I’ve not been one of these women who give dirty looks and have this attitude as though being a stay-at-home mother is something to despise or that it is not where the “real action” is. I’m starting to understand that there apparently have been a LOT of women out there who don’t give their husbands a chance to really be the man, and treat him like they have to preemptively strike with their alternative fix-the-problem plan the split second it appears that the big oaf is going at it with his two left hands again. Frankly I just didn’t not know that there are enough women out there whose actions would reasonably create the appearance of a norm for female behavior with the way that they whine, usurp, and withold affection because they didn’t get their way–shocking.
Anyway, I know what you’re saying about men retreating rather than fight is true because I’ve seen it time and again; true leaders don’t fight to lead anyone, the lead because of who they are and because of their faith in certain principles that simply are reflective of truth (which always wins). For me, I mean, I’m a native Californian, just moved back for a final period of exploration of parts of the state I’m less familiar with after living in Tulsa for six years. I’m about to move to a state with a larger concentration of people with the same (the liberal activism out here is CUH-RAY-ZEE); besides, I’m just done with California and all of its unique challenges. Then it dawned on me a few months ago, like a real revelation, “Um, you would have gotten over all of this trasping all over the country years ago if you’d not been so biased against having a husband and family of your own. What if where you live should be decided based upon where you will have the most freedom as a mother to raise your children without a Godless government all in your business?” WHAM. So much for all the time I’ve been spending on Amtrak enjoying the views while working on my THIRD degree. I was waaay too focused on being successful and making sure I had a chance to parlay my own gifts–yet have only accomplished half of what I’ve wanted to do with myself!
Anyway, thanks so much for your insight; we contend indeed with a fallen world and I now TOTALLY GET why God instructed that the home be structured according to a specific ideal–the husband & father goes out to the battle to provide and the wife & mother stay and hold down the fort to protect what has been provided, create a peaceful place to recover and indoctrinate the children to fear the Lord. So simple, but so complicated.
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Many if these could apply to husbands as well. Some situations may warrant detachment from the husband, such as an emotionally abusive relationship or one in which the husband is a “fool” by biblical standards. Husbands must also realize that sex will be a chore for his wife is 1) he is only kind, communicative, affectionate only when he wants sex, and 2) he is emotionally abusive and there is emotional detachment on the part of the wife.
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Takingcareofgrandma,
Absolutely many of these things would be disrespectful if a husband did them to his wife.
And I agree with your observations. Thanks for sharing!
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Wow! My hubby complains the i disrespect continually by doing many of the things listed. I question many of the decisions hes made. I love you blog:) i will continue to read and d study so the even if he dont change inthe ways i think he outta i will change and bring glory to Jesus!
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Nekiwa smith I can relate to your story I’m going through the same thing,thanks to April for helping us with her experience and support..
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Ok…..so basically the wife should be quiet???
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Patsy,
No! Wives don’t have to be quiet. 🙂
When I was learning about respect/disrespect at first, I was quiet a lot. But that was because I realized that most of my words were negative, critical, condescending, lecturing, demanding, scolding, complaining, etc.
I learned that all that negative stuff was disrespectful to my husband and dishonoring to God.
But then I learned to use my words to build my husband up, to affirm him, to encourage him, to be thankful, to praise the good and to breathe life into my husband and my family.
And I learned to express my desires, needs, ideas and feelings in a way that was respectful, kind, pleasant, polite and gracious.
I actually have a LOT more power in my marriage now than I ever did when I was trying to control things myself and force my way – but it is a totally different kind of power, a power that seeks what is good for my husband and family and seeks to honor God and to do God’s will above my own.
There is a post at the top of my home page about ways to show respect to our husbands that might be helpful. And there is another post linked at the bottom of that post where a number of husbands talk about what is respectful to them.
thanks for the comment!
It is wonderful to meet you. 🙂
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Some of the points are very valid but what about a husband that refuses to change when he does something bad ( smoking in house, playing video games entirely to long ( hours) and ignoring me and the kids ex: promised to watch movie with me instead played his game till it was bed time, complaining every time I ask to help with bath time ( kids 5,2) most of the time refusing. These have been discussed numerous times. I got so mad last night I couldn’t even speak to him. The kids destroyed the living room and his things were on the floor too. I said ” can you help me get the stuff off the floor so I can vacuum” he was still sitting on the couch 5 minutes later. Don’t remember what I said but he said ” your here all day” as if to imply I could have done it earlier but it was partly his mess. I felt insulted and didn’t speak to him. He didn’t say anything to me about the situation and went to bed hours later. He is the master confrontation avoider. I’m always having to start the communication .There is never any progress on his part with the things I talked about. Its so frustrating. I feel like I’m doing all the work / compromise.
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Thanks April for this List their are some things in here I will say I do example body language,poking lips,holding back when we have a disagreement etc.. I will totally stop some of these bad habit..
He say he love but I want him to respect me too but I guess I have to do my part all the way with out looking or holding back in Jesus name I pray amen..
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Nyillah,
Ideally, both the man and woman would respect and love each other. That is God’s beautiful design. 🙂
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Tears…. I was told by my husband I had criticized him, when all I thought I was doing was asking questions (questions regarding loans for our first child going to college). I came across your blog. With your list…. I have so much to work on- so many I was unaware of. 20 years of marriage….4 kids……life stressor of moving 2 states away from all family and friends this year…. I have so much growth to do. How or where do I start? This needs to be shared with young women…..before marriage. I am an active christian. my issue, i wont ever be able to vocalize my question (which are not intended as criticsm) and i told him that…. and said “so i will just listen and not say anything.” which isnt good, and makes me feel of no value and not involved. Any advice welcomed…. Tears.
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Tammy,
It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂
I discovered the same thing 14.5 years into my marriage and thought I had been the best Christian wife. I was totally mortified.
You may want to check out the post about respect at the top of my home page and the one about biblical submission.
There ARE ways to say what you want and how you feel respectfully. It is kind of like learning a new language.
I have a Youtube channel with a lot of videos, one of them is “How to ask your husband for things so he wants to say yes” – this does not mean he WILL say yes. But it is how to ask respectfully. My channel is
“April Cassidy”
I totally agree that women need this information before marriage. I have a site for single women, too… http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com where I am sharing this info with women before marriage.
I WISH I had known these things 19 years ago!
But – God can change us now. We can become the women He desires us to be by His power.
There is also a video about “How to Apologize for Your Disrespect and Control” that I think would be a great one to watch.
Let me know if you have concerns or questions – we will walk this road together. 🙂
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I just read through this list of things a husband feels disrespect from- I also read the wife’s list as well. I am a wife and reading through the husbands list was so painful. Not because I do these things to my husband but rather he does them to me!! I can’t say anything without some form of correction or contradiction. He makes plans every weekend without me or including me. I’m left to deal with it along with our children. He makes fun of me in front of of our children as well as friends. He withholds sex from me then flips it around to say I’m withholding it. He quits his jobs because he needs a “break” then screams at me we have no money. We’ve been married 20 years. It feels like I’ve wasted 20 years with someone who hates me!!
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Hurting,
I am so sorry for your pain! These things do hurt wives too if husbands do them to us.
It is great to meet you!
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What is disrespectful to me? When My wife rearranges my tools or other personal items.
Hey I’m not that guy who leaves his stuff all over and lets any kind of smell permeate. We have a 3 bedroom apartment, paid for as I am the site mgr. I also have another property that I begged for when my wife was laid off. I also take the initiative to run all over town to rent other units for the fabulous property mgmt. company I work for to get additional money in as the EDD that my wife gets and my income doesn’t do the trick.
Sooo why then can anyone tell me that my wife has to go into the small closet of the 3rd bedroom and touch my tools, she is not using them, she stacks them and covers them and arranges them and Im about now paralyzed over this whole thing.
Cant I get just a little respect to leave those things alone? I literally go into a compulsive disorder when I cannot find something as simple as the Garbage Disposal “key”.
Of all the 3 bedrooms, I have tried to point out I only have 1 piece of the walk in closet, 1 office that is the man cave, work out room too… and one tiny little wall closet that has my tools.
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Thank you for your perspective on this issue, Dan.
I obviously don’t know your wife – my guess is that she may feel like she is “helping” to organize things?
I think the most disrespectful thing I probably ever did was when the AC guy was coming the next day – and I ‘told’ my husband to clean up his messy side of the garage, and he wouldn’t. So I went down the steps and cleaned up everything myself and organized it all.
My husband usually does not get upset about much. But he definitely got upset about that!
Now – I leave his tools alone!
But before I began to study how men think and what respect means – I thought I was being “helpful.” Turns out that sometimes what is “helpful” in a wife’s mind is “controlling” or “disrespectful” in a husband’s mind.
I doubt she has evil motives towards you.
If she likes to read books, suggest “For Women Only” and I bet she won’t touch your tools after that!
Or, hopefully, you could gently, calmly ask her to please not rearrange your tools, that you don’t like it when she does that. Hopefully that would be enough to solve the issue.
Thanks for the comment!
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I’m telling you, I loooooove this blog. i love, love, love it. I am someone whom God is working a lot on. God is encouraging me to leave the tv alone and is helping me to do by finding awesome, godly, biblically encouraging blogs to read and learn from. So I’ve been finding a lot of new awesome blogs lately. And this is my absolute favorite. God is helping me through you and through what I find here. Thank you!
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Freda,
Thank you for sharing! What a blessing and answer to many prayers. 🙂 I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!
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Thank you soo much madam for ur wise words.. I am a blessed wife, my husband is a family man but I have been crying a lot for the past 7 years of marriage life coz he does not verbally express his love, he does not give any gift, never say “I love you” never takes me for outing etc. (but he cares for the family absolutely well..) For which I keep complaining all the time.. But I realised that I have to take care of many things that I otherwise ignore.. And I now realise that he actually cares for me.. thanks a ton!
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Sandhya,
Sometimes our husbands don’t express love the way we would. But if we are willing to understand them, we can learn to see all the ways they do show their love and we can learn to be thankful for the men we have. That is a huge step towards a better life, a better marriage and a closer walk with God!
I am so excited for you!
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Where can I find a women to explain your thinking to her because she will not listen to me and I am ready to file for divorce. help!
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David,
I am so sorry!
I pray God will give you wisdom and His Spirit’s power to know how to best lead and love your wife – that you might be the godly man God desires you to be. And I pray that He might open her eyes to His Word and His truth, that she might be the godly women of His dreams!
I am available to women who want to initiate communication with me.
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I’m unequally yoked w/controlling, flirting husband -how do I respect him? How do I enjoy sex w/him when he flirts w/other women & sees nothing wrong w/it??
Plz email me an answer. Thx, Gayle
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If you get a chance, check out the post at the top of my home page about “Respect and Sexual Attraction” 🙂
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Wow..this is so true.God bless you for your effort.
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Push,
You are most welcome.
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Is this for real?
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April1982,
Hello! It’s great to meet you! My name is April, too. 🙂
Yes. This list is for real. It was compiled by real Christian husbands who wrote in to me when I asked men to share what is disrespectful to them.
Check out my about page to see how God dramatically changed my heart and mind about His design for marriage and how learning to stop disrespect and begin to respect and honor my husband according to God’s Word – brought great healing, intimacy, freedom, peace and joy for me and my husband.
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Wow, is this for real? I thought we were in the 21st century! Asking him if he knows what he’s doing is disrespectful? I’m pretty sure marriage is about honest communication. I def agree with failure to show appreciate or support a disciplinary decision being disrespectful and counterproductive to running a family but this list is a little excessive and seems more about striking the mans ego than about creating a mutually respectable marriage!
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Angel,
It is great to meet you. 🙂
Yes, this is for real. Marriages in our culture today are in ruins. Our culture has taught us a bunch of extremely destructive ways to attempt to go about marriage.
Thankfully, the Bible always has truth for us to benefit from. In God’s design for marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33, He, the Creator of people and marriage, commands wives to respect and submit to their husbands. (submit means to honor the husband as the God-given leader, it is voluntary, it cannot be forced or coerced, it is not slavery.) God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it.
The same God who commands husbands to selflessly and sacrificially love their wives commands wives to respect and honor their husbands. I know we don’t want to get rid of the “husbands love your wives selflessly” part!
And our husbands NEED the “wives respect your husbands” part. When we honor them as the leader, sharing our desires and perspective and wisdom, but not forcing our way, being cooperative with them – they (unless they have serious issues) will want to step up and serve and do what is best for the family. Men respond to honor by desiring to protect and serve (ie: police, military, etc.).
Why does God command us to practice marriage in this particular way?
– It works.
– His wisdom is infinitely higher than our own.
– He made men to need respect more than love.
– He made women to need love more than respect.
– In His design, both husband and wife will love and respect one another, but the emphasis on wives respecting and husbands loving is because wives tend to automatically love, husbands tend to automatically respect – but we are sometimes bad about giving what we want ourselves instead of giving what our spouse needs – which can look very different from what we need ourselves.
– ultimately, God designed marriage this way to be a living demonstration, a living picture of the profound mystery of the relationship between Christ and His church. The husband is to represent the sacrificial, selfless, giving love of Jesus for His bride, the church. The wife represents the reverence and submission of the church to Christ.
ALL believers in Christ are called first to submit 100% to Christ. Then we obey Him out of our love and devotion to Him.
All disciples of Christ are commanded to submit to God-given human authorities in Scripture:
– government
– bosses
– leaders in the church
– parents (for children until they are adults)
– husbands
If the authority asks us to sin or violate GOd’s Word, we must resist them.
The authority of GOd’s Word trumps any human authority.
God provides people in positions of spiritual authority to protect his people, provide for them and guide them.
THose in authority will stand before God and give an account when this life is over.
It is entirely possible for a wife to communicate well and share honestly and still be respectful.
I don’t write for men, but God commands men to treat their wives with honor and to not be harsh with them, in addition to loving them with the unfailing, agape love of God. This is love that loves even when we don’t deserve it and can’t earn it. It is love that forgives, that gives mercy and grace. It is love that is gentle, patient, kind, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, is not rude, is not selfish, is not prideful, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. This is how husbands are to love their wives in GOd’s design.
This is how my husband loves me. It is the most amazing place in the world.
WHen I disrespected my husband, unknowingly, for over 14 years – he became very distant and unplugged and shut down. As I learned to stop my unintentional disrespect and speak his language of respect, he blossomed into the amazing man I always knew he could be.
And now, I also get to be the woman I always wanted to be. No more nagging, criticizing, telling my husband what to do and trying to carry the weight of the family on my shoulders. I have peace, joy, great purpose, fulfillment and the marriage I always wanted – when I submitted to Jesus and was willing to obey Him even when I didn’t understand.
Thanks for the comment!
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EVERY HUMAN BEING deserves love and respect. Not a man one thing and a women another, when two people come together and treat each others as equals then a relationship will flourish.
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A Johnson,
It is a pleasure to meet you.
I completely agree that every human being deserves respect and love. Husbands and wives both need love and respect, even if they don’t “deserve” it. God absolutely looks at men and women as equals. We are all image bearers of God. We all have equal value before Him.
I don’t disagree with you about that at all.
I actually talk about this pretty often.
Because I only teach women, I only talk about what wives can do on our end of the marriage to bless our husbands and to obey God’s Word.
But just because I talk about what God commands wives to do in multiple places in scripture- that does not negate all of the things that God commands husbands to do.
God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. He commands them to be selfless and to sacrifice themselves for their wives. He commands them to be gentle and not harsh with their wives. He commands them to treat their wives with honor as the weaker vessel because wives are co-heirs with the husbands in the kingdom of God.
God commands wives to respect their husbands and submit to (honor) them as the God given authority in marriage with the wife representing the church and the husband representing Christ. Marriage is to be a picture of the profound mystery of Christ and His love for the church and the church’s reverence and submission to Him. God also commands wives to love (affectionately with brotherly love) their husbands and to be subject to them (Titus 2).
In I Corinthians 11:3, God reveals His authority structure for marriage God is the head of Christ, Christ is the head of every man, the head of the woman is man (her husband).
A lot of people today seem to think that if a person has authority, that means he has more value than others. Submission began in the Godhead – the Son submits to the Father out of love. Jesus and God are equal in value. They are both God. Submission is not about inferiority. The world may say that, but that is not at all what God’s Word teaches.
When God places authority over us, it is for our protection, guidance, provision and blessing.
The concept of submission in the Bible is a military term which means “to rank under.” It is like the Captain and the First Mate on the ship. The First Mate has many responsibilities, so does the Captain. They are different responsibilities. But that doesn’t mean one has more value as a human being. The First Mate shares her wisdom, perspective, talents, gifts, abilities, intelligence and strength with the Captain and they make a strong team. If there is a disagreement, ultimately, the Captain is responsible to those above him for the decisions that are made. So he bears ultimate accountability, just like the husband will bear ultimate accountability for the family and marriage and the decisions that were made before God.
Most wives today deeply love their husbands. Wives don’t need a lot of help with learning to love. We seem to do that pretty naturally. But where I know I had problems for the first 14 years of our marriage, and where many wives today have issues is that many times we don’t even realize that we are coming across disrespectfully to our husbands and we are wounding them and hurting our marriages unknowingly many times.
This is a list I wish I had 19 years ago when we got married. I could have spared my husband and myself a lot of pain if I had understood what speaks disrespect and respect to men.
May God richly bless your walk with Christ.
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Oh and you left this out of your website, Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Which calls for ALL Christ followers to SUBMIT TO EACH OTHER, not just wives to husbands but also husbands to wives. Your website is all about wives submitting: taking whatever their husband may hand them and doing so with a smile on their face. That is ridiculous. You should be speaking hope and love into these women’s lives and yet you deceive them and tell them to submit and you imply that they are lower. That they mean less. That the bible teaches that they are less and called to do less, and that is NOT TRUE.
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A Johnson,
Yes, today “mutual submission” is very popular. The verse about believers submitting to each other in the body does indeed come right before the passage that is directed specifically to wives and husbands.
Our dying to self and putting others first in every relationship absolutely honors Jesus.
My concern is that it seems that sometimes people want to take verse 21 and then ignore the next 11 verses.
The truth is that there are multiple places in scripture where God defines the husband as being the authority or head or leader and specifically talks about the wife submitting to the husband as the church submits to Christ. I know of no verse in the Bible where God specifically commands husbands to submit to their wives as the head.
Husbands do have the greater responsibility and commands – to represent the very love of Christ, to be selfless, to lay their lives down to love their wives. That may look on the outside kind of similar to submission. He is putting her first and doing what is in her best interests.
When both the husband and wife submit first 100% to Christ – as all disciples of Christ are called to do – and they both die to self and delight in obeying God and are full of His Spirit- it is the most amazing relationship EVER!
Wives do not lose their voice in God’s design for marriage. We are free to say what we want and need. We are free to say how we feel. I believe it is our responsibility and duty to share our hearts and minds with our husbands – but to do so respectfully.
Wives are also free to respectfully, gently, humbly confront their husbands about their sin.
THere can be times a wife may have to separate from her husband if he is physically abusing her.
You may certainly criticize me. That is fine.
But I do not apologize for the message of God’s Word. It is His Word I desire to uphold. And it is His Word that dramatically changed my life and my marriage and I am forever grateful for the wisdom of God. His wisdom is infinitely higher than my own.
I do not ask wives to do anything that God HImself has not commanded us to do as wives. I believe your issue is with God’s Word, not with me.
I have seen God do miracles in literally hundreds of marriages in the past year and a half. I am so thankful for what He has done for me and I pray that you might experience His power working in your heart as well.
My husband has a blog for husbands – he talks to the men about what GOd commands husbands to do.
I only teach wives.
All humans are of equal value before God. Galatians 3:28 attests to that and the creation narrative where God makes man and woman in His image.
I believe that you are assuming I am saying things that I do not say.
I appreciate your willingness to share your concerns.
I pray that God might greatly bless you.
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Now *that* is a list! One glance at that would make a person believe that unless you are a perfect woman, there is no way that a man could ever be pleased. However, many of them are pretty basic. Most of the items on the list shouldn’t require too much work, if any at all. The majority of them should come naturally. With that said, I have so much work to do still. 🙂 Out of curiosity, now I am going to jump over to your husband’s page http://respectedhusband.wordpress.com/
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mewhoami,
Yes, it is a long list. God is able to use marriage and His commands for us to respect and honor our husbands’ leadership to make us holy and more like Christ. We can only do this by the power of His Spirit working in us – that is for sure! 🙂
Enjoy my husband’s site. 🙂
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Great post!
One thing I would add has to do with interactions with others.
In past relationships there were far too many instances where the other party, whether spouse or girlfriend, was either allowing others to be disrespectful to me, or denying it was disrespectful at all. If a man propositions a woman he knows is married he is disrespecting both her and her husband. If either spouse allows others to consistently interfere with plans the couple has, she is ignoring their failure to be respectful as well as being disrespectful her self by allowing it to continue.
It’s real easy for someone to be flattered by a proposition, or blow it off. It is also easy for someone to make excuses for friends, family, coworkers or employers. In fact, the harder thing to do is to speak up for yourself, your relationship and your spouse. But many times the right thing to do is the harder thing.
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Embracing Grey,
Would you allow me to add these things to the list, please? That is extremely helpful.
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Absolutely!
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Your blog and this article have completely changed my marriage and life, if I’m being totally honest. I can’t thank God enough for this wonderful insight! I had no idea how *I* was the one sabotaging my marriage. After reading this list just 10 days ago, I repented, and just the biggest weight ever has been lifted. My husband is now everything I always wanted, but didn’t know I had. I feel so free and just beautiful inside. It’s changed everything. I’m a MUCH better mother, as well. I finally feel like the woman God called me to be. I had so much guilt before, but I didn’t even know why. I just knew it started shortly after I got married, and I even wondered if it could have somehow been caused by my husband, but now I get it!! I was dealing with a lot of mental health issues, and things weren’t good at all, despite all I had done to try and fix things myself (oh, the wages of sin). I was the one who had to feel in control all the time. I, too, cried for 3 days after learning all of this and taking it all in. It was a lot to bear, but I wouldn’t trade it for the whole world. I’m happier now than I could have even imagined. I have been married for 10 years, but I feel like these past 10 days have been the best of our lives. We’re making up for lost time, and enjoying each other fully. I almost couldn’t believe how drastic the change was, especially since it wasn’t even difficult to do! His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I tried to do it all, and it was increasingly frustrating. But now I’m so FREE! Thank you, a million times, thank you! You’re doing a marvelous work! I pray you and your family are blessed beyond measure. Thank you so much for being obedient! You’re truly an inspiration and I’m going to share your blog so that more can be blessed as I have been. 🙂
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Rachel,
I’m so glad to hear from you! I KNOW! This can be VERY SHOCKING STUFF.
I am THRILLED about what God is doing in your life and in your marriage. THis is a LONG journey – sometimes there may be setbacks or you may stumble. Get up and keep going. Keep your eyes on Christ. I hope you will let me know how you are doing!!!!! This is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!! 🙂
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This is wonderful! I have printed out and put it in my Respect Dare Journal. Some of these that the husband’s shared, I did not see as being disrespectful. I would love to see the men weigh in on “mothering”. I tend to “mother” my husband. Yesterday, when we were leaving he had on a tshirt and no jacket. I didn’t say anything but I went back in and got his jacket and put it in the back seat. When we got to where we were going he grabbed it and put it on and was still complaining about being cold. What would have he been if I didn’t bring it? Today he just left in a t shirt and I wanted so badly to say, “Wait let me get your jacket.” but I wasn’t sure if I should. I feel bad knowing he is cold right now and I didn’t say anything. You would think he would walk outside and see that it is cold and come back for his jacket but that is not him. He is focused on what he needs to do only. So therefore I see him as needing some “mothering” at times. What do you think?
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DaisyMae,
Some men would be offended by mothering. It depends on the man.
You could just bring the jacket like you did the other day. That seemed to work well.
Or you could say, “Baby, would you like your jacket?” in a pleasant, friendly, non-pressuring voice.
Or you could just let him make that decision for himself. He is a grown man. He’ll realize soon that he needs to bring a jacket when it is cold. 🙂
We are experiencing this conflict with our 11 year old son already. Many times, I suggest a jacket, but then let him decide for himself. If he is cold, he is cold. Next time he will hopefully make a better choice.
🙂
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I wouldn’t think it’s a problem. All you have to do is do it respectfully. I for one have not problem with criticism, mothering or even arguments so long as it’s all done with respect. Women need to observe how men treat each other. Watch closely how your husband deals with his friends. You’ll notice that there’s always an air of respect. There are certain things they just never say to each other. Watch their body language.
Doing it silently was definitely not disrespectful at least I don’t think it was. If you had however said, ” Am bringing this sweater because I know you’ll start crying about being cold later…”. Now that would be major disrespect/ mothering. Mothering, even though some women think it means ” I care about you” actually means, “you can’t take care of yourself” and that is insulting.
Men hate being unable to care for themselves and in fact men with disabilities need no mothering and you should take care to avoid it or else they may react in a hurtful way to you.
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Slytheron,
Thank you for sharing your masculine perspective. 🙂 I appreciate it.
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Dear Peaceful Wife,
I too, was changed by the Love & Respect book. I read it while on a business trip, and I think the people sitting near me on the plane must have thought I was nuts. So many words went right to my heart, and I realized how I had contributed to much of the heart-ache and unhappiness I had in my marriage (about 15 years at the time).
I still work on respecting him, and I still struggle with it. Your blog and lists are so very helpful. Thank you.
I’d like to run something by you and could definitely use your advice. My parents and husband have never really taken to each other. They have never gotten into fights or arguments, but they just don’t like each other.
My husband’s way of dealing with this is to avoid spending time with them, even when they come over. So what often happens is when we have them over for dinner every few months or so, my husband doesn’t greet them at the door, or shake my father’s hand when he comes in. He is often downstairs in his office when they arrive, and it may be 15-20 minutes before he’ll even come up and say hello. Then he may hang around for a little while, but after awhile will disappear back downstairs.
I know this is his way of avoiding a possible confrontation. He can’t stand the way my father criticizes our children and is opinionated about everything. Dad has never been one to “allow” open discussion. My husband doesn’t want to engage because if he does, I know he is concerned that he’ll blow up at Dad and that would be bad.
So while I get upset that my husband “hides out” when mom and dad are here, I also understand why. But it also feels like he disrespects them.
I’m torn between them, as I always have been. The fight is in my own head. Thankfully, no one brings it out into the open.
Should I just let this go? Bring it up to my dh?
Not sure what to do.
Thank you,
Laura
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Laura,
It is wonderful to hear from you!
I’m so glad God used Love and Respect to open your eyes, too. 🙂 I’m EXTREMELY thankful for that book! But I definitely needed “Respect for Dummies” because I was so clueless what respect was!
Your situation is difficult. It is important to honor your parents. But it is also important to honor your husband.
Your greater loyalty now must be to your husband. You have a covenant with him that you do not have with your parents. You were to submit to your parents when you were growing up, but they are no longer God-given authorities in your life.
I hate for you to be in a position to be caught in the middle of your parents and your husband, but your loyalty must clearly lie with your husband. Always.
I would not insist that your husband do anything.
You can tell him that it makes you sad that he and your parents don’t see eye to eye. BUT – let him know that you are on HIS team and you support whatever decisions he believes he needs to make and that you want to honor his leadership in this and all areas.
He is trying to allow you to have a close relationship with your parents and is trying to protect you and the family from a big altercation that could result in people not seeing each other. I admire your husband for wanting to protect your relationship with your parents and not allow himself to create conflict.
It would be awesome if he felt comfortable enough to be with them more and be more involved. But – he is obviously not comfortable with that.
If your dad is disrespecting your husband, you could ask him to treat your husband with respect – but that would be something to prayerfully consider and maybe even to run by your husband first.
Thank your husband for wanting to protect you and for being so considerate to allow you to have your parents over even though they have issues with him and he has issues with them.
Praying for wisdom for you both!!!
In Him,
April
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Your situation is quite difficult but I think this situation would be easier to resolve once your husband knows you’re on his side on this. He probably fears offending you by getting into it with your parents as well.
Let him know you support him fully even though you still care for your parents. Also try and talk to your mother about your concerns. But most important person to talk to is your husband. Let him know you’re on his team.
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Thank you, Slytheron.
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As a husband and father married over 20 years, i find that this topic is still a struggle in my marriage. As we are both Christians, it is often hard for me to understand why this particular problem exists. That being said, the insights on this blog have certainly been and encouragement to me. On many other sites, and even with counselors, the position is that the man must be doing something wrong in order for his wife to disrespect him. But what if a man is doing all he knows (not perfect, of course)?
This to me adds to the frustration that many men feel, especially Godly men trying their best to be the person God wants them to be. So I encourage the peacefulwife blog (and your husband’s companion blog) to keep going and keep encouraging.
I’m trying to be patient, but its very hard. It seems certain things are so ingrained in my wife’s personality, that it will be very hard for any change. Keep praying..
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CJ,
I always appreciate hearing your perspective. 🙂 You add a lot to the discussion.
There are MANY, MANY times, my brother, when a wife’s disrespect has infinitely more to do with her reverence for and submission to Christ than it has to do with her husband. It is really about her understanding of God’s sovereignty and whether she is truly trusting God or trusting the idol of SELF – like I did for over 14 years in our marriage, sadly.
I know that it seems impossible from a husband’s perspective to imagine that a wife could not see her disrespect clearly and that she could not just stop doing it. Most wives I have worked with (and it has now been hundreds) – do NOT see their disrespect and their own sin. Usually, it is because of a warped and very tiny view of God and having self set up as god in our hearts. Not consciously – but subconsciously. It requires a complete and total tearing out of all the old sinful nature: pride, rebellion against God, lies from the culture, ungodly examples we have witnessed growing up, and tearing out our understanding of God, self, masculinity, femininity and marriage and then rebuilding on the foundation of Christ and His Word alone in order for us to see. Only God can open our eyes, ultimately.
You might find some helpful explanations in my series about the Stages of This Journey And, you also may find some helpful information in the series running yesterday and today about “Submitting Under Protest” – check out the comments, too!
Praying for God’s wisdom and power in your life and for His glory in your marriage. Praying for God to open your wife’s eyes if she cannot see clearly – and for her to become the woman of His dreams as you become the man of God that He desires you to be as well.
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Thank you! I will certainly read the articles and get back to you about them. Thanks for your prayers!
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CJ,
You are most welcome.
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My marriage is just the opposite. I can’t get my husband to do anything he did before the marriage. It’s like. Now I got you and life is easy. No affection, hugs, kisses just cold. A great provider but not a loving being as before. Almost like an act.
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newlyweds2013
It is great to meet you! 🙂
Sometimes when men get married (and women, too) – they feel like they “won the prize” so now they don’t have to chase and hunt anymore. They can “relax” and “be themselves.” Women sometimes do this by not wearing makeup or fixing our hair or wearing nice clothes anymore around our husbands. Men sometimes do this by stopping some of the “wooing” behavior they used to do.
What was his parents’ marriage like? Is there any abuse in his past? Any addictions/mental illness? What is his personality like?
What was your parents’ marriage like?
What do you do when he doesn’t give you the affection you want?
What does he say he wants/needs?
Much love to you!
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I think you make some great point in understanding who your husband is and how he reacts. I think there is also responsibility for a husband to recognize what are his triggers so that he may grow to reduce incidents. I think this falls along a blog written here about understanding that no husband is built the same. Here is an article that dives into understanding the core differences between personality strengths. Having unrealistic expectations can damage a healthy relationship. http://www.badideology.com/blog-posts/oh-you-have-the-ideal-sensitive-godly-husband-please-tell-me-how-i-should-be-exactly-like-him/
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Helo,can you please send me all the details on how to respect my husband,my marriage is falling apart,i realy need your help.thank you
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Adelaide,
It is wonderful to meet you!
I am so sorry to hear things are not going well.
I have dozens of post on respect – you can search my home page for “respect.” There is a post at the top of my home page about ways to respect our husbands and it has a link to another post where a number of husbands share things that are respectful to them. 🙂
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I was searching the web for “husband is disrespectful to wife” then this blog came up.. What if the wife is 30 years younger, sexy and beautiful according to the people who sees her, finished her degree with high honors, had her husband as her first and only boyfriend before finally getting married to him, she is exaggeratedly respectful, obedient and kind to husband but the husband still does all the disrespectful things on this list to his wife – not the other way around… Sometimes the husband would admit that his wife is too good to be true yet he would still be very disrespectful towards her.. I don’t know what else could be wrong.. I just want to know how could this be happening because it shouldn’t be…
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ShatteredHeart,
It is entirely possible for husbands to disrespect their wives, too. All people are wretched sinners apart from the work of Christ in our lives.
Would you like to talk about what is going on?
Much love,
April
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Hi April,
Thank you very much..
My situation is very complicated.
I don’t have parents or any other family to begin with..
I know he is happy with me but suddenly he will have frustrations and I will be like his emotional punching bag because he can’t be that way to the people who are actually causing him the frustrations.. I’m the only one who can tolerate him..
I guess it’s my fault because I’m treating him like a GOD..
I don’t have anyone else to talk to about my sorrows.. I don’t have friends specially no male friends because that will make him feel insecure according to him..
He is the center of my world and is capable of destroying me from inside.. I realized i don’t have to suffer this way just to show my love and respect for him..
I’m trying to change.. It’s very hard to love him.
I feel like men are only nice while they are still courting you..
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My name is David and i am currently in a wild wild west relationship. My wife and i are in our mid 20’s and have 3 kids together. My wife takes care of the kids and i work and pay all the bill’s. On a daily basis she has to cuss, and disrespect me for anything. I’ve spoken to her, listened to her, have more sex with her and nothing, she goes back to her ways. This has been accuring for the last 3 years what should i do?? How can i show her im fed up??? Should i keep trying and keep being miserable or should i end things and live my life??? I understand its not good for the kids, but am i suppose to live an unhappy life with someone that killing the love you have for them
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David,
It’s great to meet you!
Well… I have seen different husbands approach this in different ways.
Some husbands have printed off this list and asked their wives to read it. I have seen some wives repent in tears after that. Others just get angry.
Some husbands pray for God to speak to their wives and show them their sin. I have seen that work sometimes. But – a husband must be right with God and Christ himself for those prayers to be heard, and we are not guaranteed the timing, of course. But – a husband can share his pain with his wife, but it will take God opening her eyes for her to truly repent of her sin and it will take His power and a LOT of time, prayer and hard work for her to change. This is a LONG, LONG journey for wives.
Some husbands say, “I love you. I want this marriage to honor God. I want to do things God’s way. Here is what God says marriage is supposed to be about in Ephesians 5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3, I Corinthians 13:4-8…) I want to do things God’s way from now on. I have things to work on. You have things to work on. I want to make this work. I cannot continue on like things have been. The way you have treated me has hurt me so much. I know you are hurting, too. I think that is because we haven’t been following God’s design for marriage, for faith in Christ, for masculinity or for femininity. Here is what I want us to do…” You may want to hold her, speak gently, reassure her that you love her but firmly say, “God has called me to lead this family in a way that honors Him and His Word. I want to begin doing that, and I need your support, respect, trust and cooperation, please.”
You cannot force her to respect you. She cannot force you to love her. But, the closer you are to Christ, the easier it will be for her to hear God and be willing to follow you.
I pray for God’s wisdom for you!
My husband’s site is http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com
You may also want to see the post and comments for “When She Surrendered” by my husband.
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Are you serious? Am i suppose to tiptoe around him all the time with a big grin on my face like an idiot? Every damn thing is disrespect to poor little man according to this list. God forbid if I express my opinion on anything.. I might as well get a divorce if I have to live like this.
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Tiiu,
Sounds like you are hurting a lot today. I’m so sorry that things are very painful right now.
Thanks for your comment! 🙂
Our purpose in life is to bring glory to God. He wants us to become the godly women He commands us to be. These things are not possible by our own power. But as He regenerates us through the power of His Spirit, He is able to remove our sin and give us the ability to be godly women and to bless our husbands and children in incredible ways.
The amazing thing is, it is only when we are filled with His Spirit that we can have true joy, contentment, fulfillment, peace, purpose, and abundant life. Doing things God’s way by His power doesn’t cause oppression, it brings freedom, weightlessness and incredible satisfaction. We crucify our old sinful nature and put on our new self in Christ.
When Jesus is LORD of my life, I say, “Yes, Lord” to whatever He asks me to do – after all – He gave His life for me so that I could be made right with God through His innocent blood shed in my place.
God commands wives to respect and honor their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33) – and He commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. My job is to take care of what He asks ME to do. I trust God to work in my husband’s heart.
The kind of love God calls ALL believers to have for ALL people looks like this:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8
If we are controlled by our old sinful nature, we will act in the following ways in verses 19-21 below, but if God’s Spirit is in control, we will act in Godly ways in verses 22-33 no matter how other people treat us. This is ALL about our relationship with Christ, it has nothing to do with what our husbands do or do not do:
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
As we become the women God calls us to be, our godly nature inspires our husbands and they (unless they are extremely spiritually/mentally/emotionally sick) will eventually usually respond by showing love in return. But even if they do not, we are to be obedient to God in every thought, word and action because we know we will stand before God and give an account to Him one day.
You CAN speak your mind and heart to your husband in a respectful way – and when you do this, your feelings will matter so much more to him than they ever could if he is feeling disrespected all the time. Men don’t do things for people who disrespect them. But they are usually very happy to serve those who treat them with dignity, honor and respect.
All people need to be treated with respect and love.
How is your walk with Christ?
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I am so tired of reading about how women should respect husbands my husband demands obedience from me the way a father demands obedience from a child.i try to be respectful .but when I slip he is quick to call me rebellious in front of the kids and the kids repeat after him.I am always repenting but for him so hard he justifies his harsh responses.by blaming me for his actions.i have forgiven so much even things that a lot of women would divorce for
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Anonymous,
It is wonderful to meet you! Thank you very much for sharing your struggle.
I am so sorry for your pain!!! God never commands husbands to demand respect or obedience from their wives. Our respect and biblical submission are voluntary acts that we do in obedience to and in submission to Christ alone. Yes, our husbands benefit – but they cannot force or coerce us to do these things anymore than a wife can force her coerce her husband to love her and lead her in a godly way.
How is your relationship with Christ, my precious sister?
What is it that you want to see happen?
What do you need to be content and happy?
Much love,
April
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what I like about this is that it applies to women who aren’t in a relationship either..so that they know what changes they need to do before they get into a relationship. Most of my female friends need to read this so that they can have insight into a man’s mind regardless of religious affiliation, but unfortunately most will read it and not comply because of social environments..please keep teaching the ladies..blessings
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Lusungu,
I totally agree that it would be so amazing for women to have the chance to learn this wisdom before they get into relationships with men or marriage.
That is why I have a blog for the single women, too… http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com – and I have a post about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page there as well. 🙂
Thank you for the encouragement!
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I wish women understood
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Joseph fabula,
It is my prayer that more and more women will understand! I know that I sure didn’t understand for most of my life – but I am so thankful God opened my eyes to help me see and understand more about how men think and how valid their perspective is and the wisdom men have to offer and how very different they are from women. It is such a good thing that men are so different! Please pray that God might use me and others to shine some light on this so that many more women will understand men more accurately and desire to treat them (especially their husbands) with honor and respect even though our culture trashed the idea of honoring husbands and fathers long ago.
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Please do not jokingly insult me in front of our children. If we were alone, it would be funny when you note how poor I am with directions or ask me to carry your emptied disposable drink cup by saying “Here, garbage boy.” Not funny in front of our kids because they want to get in on the joke too but I am an authority figure to them and they don’t understand when to quit. You leave me in the position of having to hurt their feelings and call your actions into question by not allowing my children to disrespect me. By the way, I never (an I mean never) criticize or insult you in front of them. TV says that it is funny for the husband to play the buffoon. Trouble is that men don’t find it humorous at all. Check out Helen Smith’s research.
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Anonymous,
Thank you so much for sharing. These are really important points. I appreciate your perspective very much.
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I’m in a situation where I fear being verbally and emotionally abused by my husband. He feels I’m the only one that needs to change and he feels he can go out til 5-7am and expects me not to question him because I’m showing a lack of trust and being motherly. He used to go to church and now he’s started a new job as a correctional officer and he’s trying to get a sleeve tattoo and his ego has gone to an even higher level. This Sunday I asked him are you going to church and he said no so I kindly asked why not? He said because he’s taking a nap? So I kindly asked, why have you stopped going to church? I reminded him that we dedicated our son to God and they if it weren’t for me bringing him to church we wouldn’t be keeping our promise to God. And that it’s really lonely sitting in church for 6 months without my husband and how he didn’t like sitting in church alone when I used to have to take the baby in the baby room. He said that I’m offending him and that “your disrespectful!” I told him I’m not trying to be disrespectful I’m just reminding u that we are supposed to fellowship with believers and that he hasn’t been doing that and he said in response “I’m tired of you disrespecting me I don’t have to take this!” Then he gave the baby a kiss and wouldn’t even acknowledge me as usual and left me there the house. I’m trying to be respectful but I’m afraid that there’s such a thing as too respectful and too submissive where I can’t say anything to him. He put a pass code on his phone and of course won’t give it to me and I feel that is a very inappropriate thing to do because u don’t want me to touch your phone, he’s admitted to looking at porn instead of wanting to have sex with me. He recently texted a girl he claims to be a friend only on the nights he’s gone out til the next morning. So when I said why did u put a pass code on your phone he told me to leave it alone and don’t question him. I feel so abused! Like I’m supposed to be a robot and not express anything or ask any questions or he will get furious and talk down to me. My worth is measured by if I behave otherwise he won’t touch me or anything even in front of our 17mo old son. I don’t want him to treat his wife one day like this? Please help I want to be a submissive wife but I don’t know how without feeling abused and worthless?
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Mrs. Russell,
Yuck! What a painful situation. 😦
Well… when a man is far from God, his wife’s words about spiritual things will tend to repel him. That is why God gives us I Peter 3:1-6. But it sounds to me like you have very deep issues going on with him right now. I would encourage you to seek godly counsel.
I don’t think that trying to talk to him about church and God is going to be an effective approach right now. I think it will push him farther away. But you are going to need some biblical, experienced outside help.
I pray for God’s healing for you, for your husband and for your marriage. Thank you so much for sharing!
PS
http://www.xxxchurch.org has support info for people dealing with porn and sex addictions and their spouses.
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Thanks for your response and I agree I can’t talk about church to him anymore. I went to two different pastors from two different church’s one he was willing to the (the pastor who married us) he told me to love him the pastor to the church we now attend told me to separate. I’m so confused!
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Mrs. Russell,
Are you safe?
How is your time with God going?
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Yea he’s not physical at all. If anything I’m the one that hit him when he told me he was looking at porn instead of having sex with me even after I saved my virginity for him. I wanted to kill him for hurting me and manipulating me to think he was a good guy. I’ve grown closer to The Lord than ever before with all the pain from this marriage. I’m trying to learn to be a submissive wife but it’s hard when he’s passive aggressive and tries to hurt me by withholding love affection sex anything he knows I want n need
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Mrs. Russell,
Do you believe he is cheating on you?
I can’t tell you what you should do. I believe that you will need to be very close to Christ and able to be sensitive to His Spirit. But I can tell you that nagging and lecturing him will repel him and push him from God and from you. He appears to be very far from God right now. So I Peter 3:1-6 would be your assignment from God.
How is your walk with Christ going?
How long has he been addicted to porn?
Do you know where he is going at night?
Are you still having sex with him?
What does you husband want from you?
Praying for you!
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Thanx April for this blog. I wish I could say that I am a peaceful wife. But ‘m rather depressed. To start off I have been married for 12 years. At this point I resent my husband for not taking initiative with anything that’s important to our household and family. When I say important it’s things concerning our children’s spiritual education/foundation, their education, home buying, home maintenance etc. I resent him for mostly leaving decisions and actions to me. Even of small things. When it comes to our sexual relations it’s another story. He initiates and drives but ina way that only pleases him. At times I have lovingly, gently mentioned what bothers me. But there have also been times when my frustration got the better of me and things weren’t gently said. What hurts me the most is that when I air things that hurts me or concerns me, he becomes defensive. And his attacks ALWAYS makes me feel like the wicked witch. Doesn’t matter if I were hurt or frustrated by things. I feel like my feelings must take a backseat cause I’ve highlighted things he does that affects me.
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Des,
it’s great to meet you!
How is your relationship with Christ?
What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?
What are the things you believe your husband should be doing that he is not?
Have you stepped down and waited – as long as it takes – for him to lead?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
What was your parents’ marriage like?
Is it possible that your approach sounds disrespectful to him even if you didn’t intend to sound that way?
Have you apologized for the times you were hurtful with your words?
How do you express your concerns to him exactly? What words, what tone of voice?
I would suggest reading the posts at the top of my home page as a great place to start.
Praying for you! 🙂
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as a husband, I have failed in my responsibility as a provider and it has repercussions across the family that I cannot fix. The result is a disrespectful wife in many of the above items. Sex is boring and mechanical, if it happens at all. She hides her beautiful body from me often. The kids (6+) mostly go to her for questions even though I am unthreatening. Only my little 10 year old girl (and special needs girl) is fearless with me. I can blame my wife for the disrespect, but I feel that my job loss and career loss (years ago) did damage and she knows I am a failure. I am over 50. I cannot/would-not leave her. But I feel the tension of her total lack of trust in me leading. Prayer together is a joke-really! I can’t even do that right. I am giving up, but don’t know what giving up means, I am too old to wait for a fix. I ruined our life with my career failure. My resume is pathetic, I deserve a Wal-Mart job.
-ex professional
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Jeff,
My heart goes out to you and your wife!
You know something? Husbands need respect, even when they don’t deserve it – hence God’s command to wives to respect their husbands in Ephesians 5:22-33. And wives need love, even when they don’t deserve it – hence God’s commands to husbands to love their wives in Ephesians 5:22-33.
NONE of us deserve to be respected and/or loved all the time. We are all wretched sinners. THANKFULLY, there is grace, hope, help, healing and new, abundant life available in Christ!
You may have “failed” earlier in the marriage. I am not sure that it was your fault that you lost your job and career. But even if it was your fault – that doesn’t mean that the marriage has to be over and there is no grace and can be no more chances.
How is your walk with Christ?
I know for me – and many other wives here – we used to think our husbands were to blame for our lack of respect, and that if only we were married to a “better man,” we would be respectful.
I discovered that is not true. Actually, my level of respect for my husband is a tangible indicator of my level of reverence for and obedience to Christ. And a husband’s love and honor for his wife is a measure of his love and obedience to God.
My disrespect had nothing to do with my husband. It had to do with my lack of faith in and trust in God. It had to do with my trust being in myself alone and having SELF, being in control, feeling loved, romance and my expectations above Christ in my heart.
My husband couldn’t have been “perfect enough” back then for me to properly respect him because I didn’t know what respect meant or how to reverence Christ and submit myself fully to Him. Even if I had been married to Billy Graham, I would have been critical, controlling, condescending, untrusting, disrespectful, complaining, nagging and negative because THAT WAS WHO I WAS!!!! My husband doesn’t cause me to be disrespectful – what he does only reveals the true character of my heart. My sinful nature, pride, self-righteousness, resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness were in control, not God’s Spirit.
Yes, a husband can obey God and walk uprightly and do what is right – that can help a wife a good bit. The more you obey God, the easier it is for her to respect and trust you. But, ultimately, SHE is responsible for her respect for you in God’s sight and for her obedience to God and you are responsible to obey God yourself.
It may be time to give up thinking that you can change your wife. We can’t change people. But God can! I have seen Him change me, change my husband and change hundreds of people here on this very blog.
There is every reason for hope in Christ.
When someone completely submits to Christ, they experience the power of God working in them to produce supernatural fruit – no matter what his/her spouse does or doesn’t do: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control come from a heart that is controlled by God’s Spirit.
The question is not if you are a failure and don’t deserve her respect. This isn’t about you deserving her respect or her deserving your love. This is about us as individuals believing God’s Word and living in obedience to Him. And it is about giving our spouse what he/she needs even when they don’t deserve it.
When God’s Spirit is in control – it doesn’t matter who I am married to, I am going to treat that man with honor, dignity, respect, self-control, gentleness, godly love, empathy, affirmation, encouragement, blessing and kindness – because that is what is welling up in my soul since I am plugged into Christ.
When I began to understand God’s sovereignty and I relinquished control to Christ and focused on dying to self and living in obedience to Him – He radically changed me and filled me with His Spirit and I began to have His peace and joy every day. It took 3.5 years before my husband felt completely safe with me again. But God changed me. Then He began to change him. I didn’t change Greg. But God did, and my obedience to God made it much easier for Greg to hear God’s voice.
I have also seen this happen in reverse – where a husband begins to fully submit to Christ and, in time, God changes the wife and heals the marriage, too. 🙂
I am praying for you!
I believe you will find much healing and hope here and a greater understanding of what may be going on. You are welcome to look around. 🙂
My Husband Doesn’t Deserve My Respect
My Level of Respect Has Nothing to Do with My Husband
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Jeff,
PS,
I think you may find out that you are not at all alone – that many, many (the majority, I would estimate) of husbands feel like you do.
Check out:
An Interview with My Husband
Then, please search my home page for Nikka’s Interview – there are three interviews she shares with her husband, as well.
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Hi there, Peaceful wife!
My husband tells me rather often that I am disrespectful to him. I have asked him to do this, I asked him to tell me as soon as he can and in private (not in front of our children) when I am disrespectful to him. This way he doesn’t keep it in and build up a volcano to erupt, like he’s done before, and to better help me see exactly what I am doing wrong, so I can apologize and then correct it.
He did it today (in front of our children) but, I don’t mind a once in a while in front of our children, because I want them to see a good healthy way of talking through these things in a Godly marriage. He said I seem to want to show off in front of others, appear like the boss. We had dinner with his cousin and her family, I am rather close to her and it’s been a while since we last saw them. During the dinner, I felt a bit bad inside a few times like maybe I should’ve said or did something different, and I might’ve been disrespectful but really couldn’t tell, as he must’ve pulled off an amazing poker face, but I know I was searching for it. When he told me I did it again, I told him of this and told him again, that to remember that is never my intention, that I am trying to change and better recognize these things before doing them, but it can be hard for me. I quickly apologized, and reassured him, that that was not my heart, and I did not want to disrespect him. He accepted my apology but stated he was still angry/upset, and that that emotion would not simply be able to dissipate as quick just because I apologized. He also showed little confidence in my apology, and says it’s because I always do it and an apology doesn’t do anything, because it didn’t save him from the humiliation at dinner.
At this point, I decided in my mind to seek the very definition of respect, and some Godly advice on respecting my husband. Which I came across your amazing seemingly God sent blog.
It hurts me to know that I disrespect him and make him feel this way, and frustrates me that I haven’t gotten better at it enough for him to see and difference and have a little more faith in my trying to improve in this area. It also kinda depresses me, I’m trying so hard and still being a failure at conquering this. I know I should pray about this. And I find your list very helpful as I find I have done almost everything on there it really shows me how many blows he’s endured.
How can I better catch myself and then change myself to be a respectful wife that my husband will be proud of, one he knows and can say is respectful to him. I don’t want to disrespect him ever, but is that possible, too? Is it possible to never disrespect your husband?
I saw a mention of a book of respect challenge for a wife to her husband….should I start with that, and if so, how can I obtain that. I just don’t want to be that wife, and I don’t want my husband to be anything than happy in our marriage. And I want to be a good role model for our son and daughter on what/how a Godly woman/wife should behave, I want to have a good and fruitful marriage. But I feel like I am making it sour, and it’s something so hard for me to see, and correct. I feel like I have come a bit of a way on it, but my husband doesn’t, which makes me fear that I really haven’t or he has just lost hope that I will ever be able to change. Or maybe that is all he sees now, I don’t know. Please help, and give me the right expectations on the best outcome, is it possible to never disrespect your husband? How do I show him respect, that I’ve changed, and give him hope and restore his faith in me to change and be a better wife?
Sincerely,
Victoria
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Victoria,
I feel your heart!!!!!! And wow, I relate to you and understand how hard this is.
It took me about 2.5 years into my journey of learning to become a godly wife before I remotely began to have a clue what respect was. The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle helped me the most, but is not necessarily a Christian book. She does not advocate submission or support God’s Word. :(.
The Respect Dare by Nina Roesner is a great resource. You can also use my supplement to that book here in my sites just search “respect dare” and all forty posts come up. 🙂
I am very glad you are asking your husband to tell you when he feels disrespected. That is awesome! My husband wasn’t able to articulate for a long, long time, what was disrespectful or respectful to him. So, I felt completely clueless for so long. It was like trying to learn a foreign language without a book or a teacher. So frustrating!!
Search on my home page for
– stages of this journey
– learning to respect and give up control is a process
I think that will help you, and your husband may wan to read that last one, too, so that he can see that it is normal for it to take us a really long time to learn all of this respect stuff!
In the power of God, yes, it is possible not to disrespect our husbands. Of course, we are all human and will mess up sometimes. But, as we mature, it should be less and less often and less severely, in general. And we should see it faster and recover more quickly as we walk in God’s power.
I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you and your husband! 🙂
Much love!
April
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Victoria,
I assume you have seen the posts I have on what is disrespectful and respectful to husbands? You could print them out and ask your husband to check the things that are issues for him, that may speed things up.
What are the kinds of things he is still mentioning?
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Thank you for your prayers they are much appreciated since I believe in the power of prayer!
My walk with The Lord has always been “good” but now it’s gone to great. Everything I’m going through has drawn me closer to His love and has given me a grace towards my husband! I pray three things almost daily 1. For him to love The Lord with all his heart, mind, soul. 2. That he would love me like Christ loves me 3. That he would be have a grace for me for when I mess up!
His mom told me that she saw pornographic images hidden when he was a teenager. I asked him if he’s been looking at porn and he said he doesn’t like the feeling of guilt he gets afterwards so he said he’s not but I recently found out he’s been going to hooters with his new coworkers and it crushed me. Some people say it’s no different than going to the mall with girls wearing short shorts and a bunch of cleavage but I don’t care I’m not happy about him going there. I don’t believe he is cheating I’m not feeling it in my spirit at all but I feel it def could happen if he continues to feel pushed away by my nagging so I was doing really well and our marriage improved to where we felt like newly weds but the hooters was a test that I failed but the old me would’ve shown up while he was there or flipped out. He got mad that I felt hurt about him being there and he felt like I was being his mom. So somewhere I guess I was disrespectful.
I actually believe God gave me those exact versus to win my husband back to The Lord! I was prob the one that turned him off with the way I would nag, complain, argue, flip out so I believe God can undo my mistakes and use me to have him come back “home”
I initiate sex most of the times but if I don’t it’s not as frequent as I feel it should. After him being at hooters I don’t feel so sexy to him anymore. I no longer want to initiate. If he wants to I won’t turn him down but I’m done until I feel otherwise.
My husband basically just wants a stress free marriage. Sounds easy but basically means he doesn’t want me to ever express my (negative) feelings for example “I don’t feel like your attracted to me anymore” or anything that starts with “I feel…”
This month was the first time since we’ve been married that he kissed me passionately and held me every night and said nice things like he’s blessed to have me. So I know I’m on the right path but the one time I said something he shut down and stopped everything he was doing to show me love. I hope he doesn’t punish me another year like he’s done in the past. I was feeling like we were newly weds (our first year was terrible and we never got to feel that bliss of getting married to the person of your dreams) so I believe God is going to restore our marriage and give us back everything the devil has stolen from us! And more!
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Mrs. Russell,
I am glad you are seeking God and desiring to obey His Word. It sounds like you have seen a lot of healing in your marriage already. I pray you will continue to put God first and abide in Him and be empowered by Him to greatly bless your marriage. I pray for God’s greatest glory in your marriage and that you might be the wife He desires you to be.
Much love!
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Would it be strange to print this out and share it with my husband? Or is it better to try to make these changes on my own without him knowing?
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Tracy,
I have seen it done both ways successfully. If your husband is super shut down and hurt, may be better not to talk at first and just to begin to change. But I have seen a number of wives print this list out and ask their husband to check the ones that hurt them the most. Very helpful!!! Praying for God’s wisdom for you both! 🙂
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Hello Peaceful Wife, what a wonderful site this is. I’m so thankful the holy spirit led me to your site at the right time. I found your site on Friday night while looking up sights for minister’s wives. I too must confess I have been disrespectful to my husband lately. Let me tell you, after reading your blog, Immediately I went into my closet and repent, repent, repent. My husband is a minister under the Pastor of our church. This is a new church that opened last year and my husband and myself agreed that we would help the pastor build his church; Also my husband works full-time and we have 4 kids. I’m a stay at home mom and also the church admin. I agreed not realizing how much time and work is required. LESSON LEARNED! Just lately I’ve been bitter, angry, selfish, impatient; full of attitude, criticism, judgmental; you name it, was me. I don’t know how to explain but I had a angry, quiet spirit (if that makes sense).I walked around daily angry and pouting to myself. Talking underneath my breath. I was short with my words toward him. I felt like my husband was spending so much time at the church and work. I felt like he wasn’t comprehending, what I was trying to say. I felt ignored. I felt we could never plan anything on Saturdays because he always was called to the church by the Pastor. I needed him to give me time. Something else underlying was going on in the process. I took my eyes off of my Heavenly Father. All of my focus was on my husband. I didn’t realize that I stopped praying, reading, meditating. I completely stop communicating with God. All my energy was on my husband. I didn’t do anything with my kids. I stopped cleaning my house. Didn’t want to cook dinner for my husband or children. After not getting what I wanted, I decided I need some me time. I started complaining to my husband that I need to get away by myself. I need my space. I can’t breathe, Staying at home everyday is becoming too much for me. All the while God is still excluded out of my life. I walked around my house last week just thinking something got to give. I can’t continue to live in misery. Something is wrong with me. I asked God to help me to understand what is going on and why I’m acting this way and guess what? here I am. Thank God I am in a much better place now. I have resumed my time with God. He helped me to let go of the anger and to be understanding of what my husband is doing. You definitely can’t be selfish when building a church from bottom up. My husband and I are in a much better place. I felt terrible after being enlightened by your blog. It’s not all about me!! Your blog has taught me so much. Always watch out for the enemy on the prow. I let my guard down and he sneaked right in. My husband is pretty quite. When I complain he doesn’t argue back, he tried to explain but I just wasn’t hearing it; however I do know that he was praying for me continually. I’m glad I obeyed God’s leading to your blog. Until next time. Thank you. I will continue to read your blogs daily. There is still so much to learn.
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Angela,
Thank you so much for sharing your story! WOW!
I am thrilled about what God has shown you and how He is transforming your heart and getting your eyes back on Him. Let me know how you are doing! I am praying for you!!!!!
Much love!
April
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How and when do I ask my husband what he considers it when I disrespect him? I know I should probably ask him at a time when his schedule is not tense, but it is always tense. I want to better myself and have this chat with him.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
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jjvv, coming from a husbands perspective, i would say a big part is how you approach with the question. I don’t know your situation and can only speak from my experience. If a husband has continually felt disrespected he may try to be busy, disinterested, withdrawn etc, just to avoid things. But when you approach us in a gentle way we tend to respond positively. Other ways to do it are to send a nice email or write a letter (i know that’s old fashion but there’s something about sitting down and putting thought on paper that’s wonderful). Lastly, don’t be discouraged if he is not receptive at first. Prayerfully seek other opportunities. Many blessings to you.
cj
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CJ,
Thanks so much for your perspective!
jjvv,
There are many ways I have seen wives approach this. Some wives print out this list and ask their husbands to check off the things that feel disrespectful to them. Some wives repent of their disrespect (I have a Youtube video about apologizing briefly and without justifying our disrespect on my channel “April Cassidy”). Then after repenting, some wives will ask their husbands to share the 3 biggest things their husband would like them to stop doing and the 3 most important things their husband would like them to start doing. Some wives ask their husbands to write down or list (if he is talking, be sure you take notes!) what feels disrespectful to them.
Some husbands, like mine (at first), may not be able to articulate what is disrespectful to them. That is why I have this post!
What do you believe you may be doing that could be disrespectful? Is there anything God has convicted you about? Those things may be a good place to start.
Much love!
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We reccomend you read this as we have you subscribed to our blogs. If he is the father of your kids or husband then follow these principles to ensure you fullfil the void.
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I found out the guy I married was a lazy lying selfish brat. Through my walk with Christ, I’ve tried to approach this person in a godly manner, I’ve even prayed fasted and cried out to God and he became more foul and nastier than what he was. My heart has hardened concerning him. I hear God but I’m willfully being disobedient because I truly hate this person. He is a liar and he is not who he says he is. It just so happens that I’m married to him and I pray that I’m released from this prison soon. He’s never been anything but grief and I’d rather live and be alone than to deal with such a dog as him. I feel like satan set me up because at the time, I didn’t value what I had with Christ so I chose against better judgment and discernment to marry a fool and I’ve been paying for it ever since.
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Danielle,
I am so very sorry for your pain!
If you want to talk about what is going on, I am glad to listen.
My greatest concern is your relationship with Christ. Could you tell me about how that is going?
What have you been reading in God’s Word and hearing from God lately?
Do you have any godly mentoring wife or trustworthy counselor?
Sending you a huge hug and praying for you now!
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I have been in a marriage for 27 years and my wife does just about everything on this list to me. I have asked her to go to therapy and her reply is “How could some one who went to school possibly know what I have been through, they don’t have any idea of how to help its just a wast of money”.
I am seeing a therapist myself and have come to believe that my wife may have a personality disorder or is just plain mean and unforgiving. I do not pretend to be perfect, I have many faults and actively try to improve my person and pray that God may remove some or all of my personal defects as he sees fit. I have had problems with this relationship since the second week of our marriage. We had to go back to the priest who married us because she thought that she wasn’t my “first choice”.
I don’t know how many timse she has screamed “I want a DIVORCE”. at me in 27 years.
She will bring up everything that I have ever done “wrong” in the last 27 years and throw it at me repeatedly. It seems as though I am never forgiven for anything.
I am criticized for not folding the towels the “correct” (her) way. For not stacking the dishwasher the correct way, or not putting a big enough load in. She hates the new house we live in because “I had to put in computerized lights and Geothermal heating”. She just want to live in a house like “everyone else” has.
After all this time I am faced with the question of do I want to continue this relationship. When I come home my wife doesn’t care if my day was good or bad. I never get a kiss or hug as a greeting and if I don’t kiss her good night she will never make an effort to kiss me goodnight.
My religion tells me that God made this union and man cannot separate it. But if my wife is not living up to the promises she made when we took our vows (or even making an attempt to). Does God want me to stay?
I can’t tell if it is the devil or God who is speaking when I think about ending this marriage. Although being alone in my old age scares me, the constant contempt and disrespect is becoming too much to bear. Our three children will all be of age in two years and I don’t know if I can bear the contempt after they are gone. I stay to try and protect them from her wrath.
Sorry for being so long winded but this is really the first time I wrote down my current feelings.
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Brian,
It is wonderful to meet you!
Goodness, what a painful situation.
What is your wife’s relationship with Christ?
What is your relationship with Christ?
I am a formerly disrespectful, controlling wife myself. I didn’t use the word divorce with Greg. But, I did many things on this list, too.
I wonder if I might provide a bit of insight about wives who are acting this way:
1. Disrespectful, controlling wives are usually motivated primarily by powerful fear. (Fear Fuels Our Need to Control)
What was her parents’ marriage like? What was her childhood like?
2. Disrespectful, controlling wives generally have never received the love, grace, mercy and forgiveness of Christ so they don’t have that to give to anyone else.
They tend to treat others they way they treat themselves – often with very little grace and without forgiveness. This is a miserable way to live. It is a prison.
some terms to search on my home page:
– bitterness
– idol
– idolatry
– lead
– leader
– fear
– respect
– disrespect
– biblical submission
3. Disrespectful, controlling wives generally do not understand the sovereignty of God and often attempt to take on God’s sovereignty upon themselves subconsciously or consciously. They often truly believe that they are responsible for causing things and situations to work out “right.” They often do not see where their responsibilities end and God’s begin. Often, there was some difficult issue in a woman’s childhood where her parents did not seem to have control of things – there was a debilitating disease or addiction or there was some trauma in the family and she may have felt that as a young child, she had to try to be the adult. Little girls grow up thinking that the weight of the world rests on their shoulders and that if they don’t try to make things work out, the world will literally fall apart.
4. Disrespectful, controlling wives generally do not trust God but trust SELF. A wife may THINK she loves and trusts God, but her actions show that her trust is firmly in SELF. Her lack of respect for her husband and her attempts to control him (and usually, everyone else) are a tangible indicator of the current spiritual state of her soul. A wife who seeks to usurp her husband’s position of God-given authority and who disrespects him often treats God the exact same way – with a lack of reverence, with the expectation that God should “submit to her” and do what she wants and with a lack of submission to Christ.
5. Disrespectful, controlling wives live in constant anxiety, worry and fear because they often have SELF on the throne of their lives, expect SELF to be sovereign. They cannot have the power of God’s Spirit or the fruit of His Spirit because the sinful nature is firmly in control, not God. When God’s Spirit is in control of a person, he/she will have His supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control no matter what his/her circumstances and no matter how others may treat him/her. (Galatians 5:22-26)
6. Many controlling, disrespectful wives truly believe they always know best. There is a significant pride issue many times. But most wives in this situation do not see their own sin. I didn’t. I didn’t see my pride, disrespect, contention, self-righteousness, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, gossip, hatred… I thought I was the most godly wife ever. 😦 God opened my eyes when I read “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in December of 2008. For a wife to see her sin, God must open her eyes. But she is fighting her own sinful nature, her own sinful desire to control her husband (Genesis 3, part of the curse), the culture, the lack of respect for men in our culture, the fact that being a controlling, disrespectful woman is endorsed and glorified in our culture, and the things that feminism has taught her. She may never have seen a godly wife. She may have never seen a good example of a wife respecting her husband and honoring his leadership. She may have no idea how to stop what she is doing. She likely doesn’t even see her disrespect. I know that seems very strange. But, many wives have no idea how much they are hurting their husbands. I didn’t! My husband never said anything to me about my disrespect. I had no idea he was hurt. I had no clue I contributed at all to any problems in our marriage. I thought he was just unloving and too passive and not willing to lead like God commanded him to. Yes. Really.
This is a pervasive issue in our church culture. It is not isolated. My prayer is that God would open our eyes to all of our sin, that we might be convicted and that we might turn from our sin and turn to Christ and become the women (and men) He desires us to be.
Often wives in this situation do not see that they are wretched sinners. I sure didn’t.
– Are Women Spiritually/Morally Superior to Men?
– But I’m a “Good Person.”
7. The thing that will get through to a controlling, disrespectful wife’s heart is the love and truth of God. A husband can pray for his wife, and can seek to love her with the love of Christ as He is commanded to do in Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:7, I Corinthians 13:4-8. Only God can open a wife’s eyes. But as a husband obeys God and is Spirit-filled himself, he invites the power of heaven into the marriage and God is able to heal. Sometimes it takes time.
God hates divorce. Hosea is a fantastic example of what God desires a believing spouse to do in the face of his/her spouse’s sin. Marriage is to represent the relationship between Christ and the church where the husband represents the unconditional, limitless, selfless, sacrificial love and leadership of Christ and the wife represents the adoration, submission, reverence, love and respect of the church for Christ. We are each only responsible for ourselves. I am only responsible and accountable to God for obeying my part in His Word no matter what my husband is or is not doing. And it is the same with husbands.
The Bible is clear on divorce. There can be times when separation is necessary.
But, I would invite you to ask your wife to read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs with you. Or to read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn while you agree to read For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn.
Your marriage covenant is binding and sacred whether your wife is respecting and submitting to you or not. Just like my marriage covenant is binding and sacred whether my husband is loving me the way I think he should or not. I am responsible to honor my husband’s leadership, to submit to his authority and to respect him even if he is far from God. I Peter 3:1-6. A husband is responsible to love and lead his wife by the power of God working in him even if his wife is far from God.
Jesus set the ultimate example for husbands when He died for His Bride, the church, even though it was she who wanted to kill Him. And she hated Him and was His enemy at that point.
My husband has a few posts that share examples of husbands who prayed and God changed their wives. http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com I have seen God wake up many wives first, and then heal marriages in time. I have also seen God wake up husbands first sometimes and I have seen Him heal many marriages.
I pray you will keep your eyes on Christ! He is the one who is able to fulfill your deepest needs and empower you to be the husband He calls you to be. And He is the one who is able to open your wife’s eyes to her sin and to bring her to conviction and repentance.
If she does repent, it is a long journey for a wife to become sanctified and to learn to speak the language of respect fluently and to learn to submit to her husband in a godly way. First she must learn to reverence and submit to Christ. This will require incredible patience on your part. It is a slow process. Equally slow is the journey of sanctification for husbands, to learn to love Christ wholeheartedly and to lay down their lives sacrificially for Him and for their wives as they become more and more like Christ in His love.
I would also suggest listening to David Platt’s series on Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood as well as Family, Marriage Sex and the Gospel. http://www.radical.net. And, John Piper has many helpful articles at http://www.desiringgod.org about godly marriage and manhood and womanhood.
Lots of husbands read this blog and “reverse engineer” from it to learn to understand their wives better and to learn to be godly examples to their wives by the power of God’s Spirit working in them. I have seen God heal literally hundreds of marriages that I know of here. And I am sure there are many I don’t know about. That is totally a God thing – not a me thing.
Does she have a godly wife mentor she can talk with?
I am praying for God’s healing for you both, for your marriage and your children!
Some husbands share some posts on my blog or some of my Youtube videos with their wives. My channel is “April Cassidy.” I trust God will give you wisdom about how to approach this as you focus on becoming the man He desires you to be.
With the love of Christ,
April
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Brian,
You may also appreciate the post my brother, Nathan, wrote, “When My Spouse Is Wrong“
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Another resource for husbands is http://www.amanhiswifethebible.wordpress.com
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I have read the “for men only” and “for women only” books on recommendation from my therapist.
My wife calls the therapist “my girlfriend” and spitefully accuses me of sharing “secrets” with her.
Any suggestions I make to her to read books or articles on marriage, parenting, teenagers etc. are pushed aside with a “what do they know”.
We once came out of church and she told me that she prayed to god and asked him what to do with this marriage and he told her to get a divorce. I told her that she isn’t praying to the same God that I am.
I pray myself to sleep many nights. I ask God to help, but as I said, I don’t know if it is God or the devil who is speaking to me.
The contempt and disrespect weigh on my shoulders and sap the joy from my life. Nothing I do seems to be right or good enough for her. Every conversation eventually comes around to something I did “wrong”.
I know God despises divorce but is my marriage a blessing or a curse. Did God give me this cross to bear forever?
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Brian,
I’m so sorry, this comment went to spam for some reason and I am just now finding it. 😦
Your wife sounds like she is far from God right now. God does not tempt people to sin or want people to sin. God hates sin. However, our God is so sovereign that He is able to use even this awful situation for His glory in the end and He can use it to help you grow and mature in your faith.
Would she feel less threatened if you had a guy therapist?
I imagine your wife is in a lot of emotional/spiritual pain right now – and she may be lashing out at you. What was the relationship like in the beginning? When did it change? What was her parents’ marriage like?
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Hi
I have read through your blog, it is very interesting and having constructive words, am currently going through hard time with my fiancée, we a getting married in December 2014,and iam thinking there is much wrong about me that’s why things are not working according to plans,i would like to communicate to you more..you seem to have most of the answers to my questions.
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Paulina,
It is wonderful to meet you! I think you will find a lot of very helpful posts here. A great place to start is at the top of my home page. I am available here on the blog as much as I can be.
Much love! And congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I pray that you and your husband-to-be will build your marriage and lives on Christ and His Word and that He might be greatly exalted in your lives. 🙂
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Do you know of any Christian blogs for more passive women who are married to more controlling men? I can’t seem to find any. Do any other marriages even exist like mine? I am worried, as you say above, that I could be hurting things by being TOO respectful/submissive, but I don’t know where the line is. And what is the “different angle” I should approach things from? When my husband shouts at me for dropping an unopened package of cookies, or for taking too long doing my housework, or for being ten minutes late leaving work, or when he calls me a stupid idiot, how do I approach that? Should I not still try to respect and honor him or what?
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MLS,
I wish I did know of a blog like that – but, there are very few controlling men who are harsh toward their wives who would allow their wives to blog about it.
I have spoken with a number of wives in this situation – and had a husband write for me about this topic once. His blog is at http://www.amanhiswifethebible.wordpress.com. He may have a post about this. If he doesn’t, please let me know, I may be able to find it and email it to you.
I have had some wives write posts for me about this subject in the past, too.
I know one wife had a husband who would yell at her about how she handled the children a lot. One time, she didn’t argue back and was just silent. He yelled at her about her not listening. And she said gently, “I was just thinking about what you were saying.” He went and took a shower – and came back later and said God told him to apologize to her. I heard from her recently and they are doing much better.
This requires a lot of sensitivity to God’s Spirit and an in depth understanding of your own husband’s personality. There can be times that it can be important to respectfully, gently say, “It really hurts me when you talk to me like that.” Or “Please don’t yell at me.”
How do you usually approach him? What is his response?
The different angle is that more controlling, dominant wives must learn to speak less and to listen much more. But wives who are too passive/submissive/timid may need to learn to stand up for themselves more and to speak their minds more and share their needs.
Even when he is harsh, you can respond with respect. Yelling and arguing won’t help. You can carry yourself with dignity and self-respect. You can say what you need without sinning against him.
The post at the top of my home page “When My Spouse is Wrong” may be helpful.
Much love to you!
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MLS,
There are many couples with marriage dynamics like yours. I have a number of wives who read my blog who have that dynamic – but I wish I had more wives’ stories to contribute who have this dynamic. You are definitely not alone!
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My Father is a stupid _____ who can’t be reasoned with and loves his brother and nephews more than his wife and children, literally STEALING FROM THE FAMILY TREASURY to give ___ to his brother, sister in law and their nephews.
If God had his way with us we’d be LIVING IN THE GUTTER RIGHT NOW.
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fuudjdj,
I’m so very sorry to hear about what a painful situation your family is in. That doesn’t really sound like your father is honoring God. God’s Word says that if a man won’t provide for his family, especially his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
God’s will is for your father and each of you to know and love Him and to love and honor one another and take good care of each other. God never condones abuse or mistreatment of people. We will all stand accountable to Him for anything we have done to hurt others.
May God richly bless your walk with Christ.
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this site has been very eye opening as I have a husband thats a non talker etc…. and reading the above list is eye opening .. too…… my thought right now as I search for answers AS A WOMAN … I see lots of things they fine dis respectful on the list as things he does that shuts me down… It seems very hard to be a woman w/ any of these issues … sort it out ..make it all nice… don’t rock the boat .. the self help I found is back off let it go if he hurts you don’t take it personally… I struggle w/ this what I call distance thing w/ my guy .. I try to approach as to not cause conflict and poof its there … im venting cuz I do feel up against a wall to sort it all out .. but I do see I need to BACKOFF w/ any form of conversation I may NEED w/ him… I will continue to read and get my SELF HELP figured out………….I feel as tho I need to let go of things and that only leads me to feel as if im giving up.. im not nuts just looking for normal……………. 😀
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Penny,
I think that a lot of couples have a similar struggle. Let’s talk about it if you are up for that!
Has your husband always been rather quiet?
Is he introverted in personality – being energized by being alone?
What was your relationship like when you were dating?
The key to becoming a respectful woman is the power of God’s Spirit – otherwise, we are just trying to be fake. Here, we talk about allowing God to radically transform us to be more like Jesus. It is painful! And it is like learning a new language. But there IS healing, hope, power, and help available, my precious girl! I think you may be in the right place. 🙂
What was your parents’ marriage like?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
What does he talk about when he does talk?
Is it possible that he may be depressed?
Does he have any addictions, mental illness or any major stress going on? How about you?
How are things going overall with the marriage?
Much love to you! And a BIG hug!
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I read your list. I can honestly say that, except for maybe four of the items, my wife has always done all the others. You can imagine how I feel as a husband and father. (I’ve watched some of your PeacefulWife videos as well, and it almost brings me to tears–your demeanor is so exactly opposite to what I have to live with every day.) I’ve been subjected to this angry controller for 24 years. Every attempt at getting her to change has been met with denial. (She’s especially skillful at fooling marriage counselors.) It has completely shut down our “marriage.”
We’ve had absolutely no marital relations (or hugs or kisses, for that matter–no emotional connection) for 19 years; the five years before that we had “sex” exactly five times, except for the first three weeks of marriage, when she continually complained of “pain” (the doctor examined her and said there was nothing physiologically wrong with her–I later read that abusive wives often use this tactic as one of their assortment of control mechanisms).
I made the decision not to separate from her (I can’t see how I could get a divorce, unless psychological abuse is considered “abandonment” by an “unbeliever”–she claims to be a believer) until the kids were grown, in order to protect them from her abuse (or at least protect them as much as possible). The last child is six months from leaving home for college, so I don’t have long to wait. I know it sounds awful, but I can hardly wait for that day to come.
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Abused Husband,
How this breaks my heart!
Surely your wife is not happy with this situation either? It seems to me that you both must be living in severe emotional/spiritual/mental anguish in this arrangement.
I used to do many of these disrespectful, controlling things to Greg. 😦 I had no idea I was hurting him. He never told me I was disrespectful or that I was doing anything wrong. He just shut down. How I regret the way I treated him now that I understand what I was doing!
Would you be interested in talking a bit about what might be behind all of this behavior with me? I would imagine that she may be filled with fear, anxiety, worry, stress, and loneliness. I can certainly feel your pain in your comment. My heart goes out to both of you. She may be in a prison that she doesn’t know how to get out of. If she knew how – she wouldn’t stay there! I cannot change or heal anyone, but I will do my best to point you to resources, to God’s Word and to Christ.
Is she willing to read books with you?
I am praying for both of you today, my precious brother.
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Peacefulwife,
Thank you for your prayers. My wife grew up in an abusive home (where there’s still huge denial of her dad’s past abuse), and she’s continuing what she’s comfortable with. That is, she’s learned that the way you survive in life is to make sure in the future that no one ever controls you, so having a loving, “mutuality-based” marriage is not “normal” for her, but a “controlling-type” marriage (like the one she experienced growing up) is. (My marriage seems a lot like Brian’s above.)
So, I think that, even though she may have some dislike with the way things are, she’s also getting pretty much what she wants–a marriage on her terms, where she feels superior and “in control” and where there’s no intimacy.
It’s strange. You can imagine that I’ve agonized in prayer over this as to what a Christian husband’s response should be to this behavior. I’ve tried everything. If I try to act normal (in spite of the abuse), she “ratchets up” the abuse. If she sees that I’m upset or withdrawn from the abuse and the disrespect (that is, she perceives that she’s been successful in making me feel diminished in some way), then she acts all “nice nice,” like she’s glad I’m feeling this way.
The hardest part has been not being able to completely stop her psychological abuse of the children. (I’ve told both of them that what they’re experiencing is not normal–and they can also see that that’s the case when they go to their friends’ houses where they witness normal marriages.) My wife especially seems to enjoy provoking my daughter and watching her inevitable response. Very sick. She did this to my son growing up, too. I remember when he was nine, he came up to me and said, “Daddy, why is Mommy so mean? Please make her stop, Daddy, please make her stop.” That really crushed my heart, in that I couldn’t protect my son by being able to stop her behavior. If I had tried to take the kids away from her, she would have gone to court and likely gotten them back. Plus I probably would not have been able to continue to be at home to protect them from her abuse, if the judge were to have ruled against me and only given me visitation.
At any rate, unfortunately she’s not open to reading anything spiritual, especially anything “biblical” (her eyes glaze over whenever I try to talk about biblical subjects; she has sabotaged my attempts to have family devotions–when we were first married, I tried to get her to pray together as husband and wife–she put a stop to that by announcing that she didn’t want to continue praying with me because the things I prayed for were “stupid”). She does go to church (her own church–she almost never will go to mine) and claims to have a relationship with God.
I do covet prayers that either she would change, or I would have the grace to endure being with her if that’s God’s will (I’m thinking of separating), or that God would somehow give me the OK to be married to someone else who wants a real marriage with affection, mutuality, and love.
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Abused Husband,
My heart breaks to hear about how difficult things have been – for everyone in the family – including her.
I can absolutely pray for you. Would you want to talk about things a bit more? If so, I’m glad to share any insights, encouragement, and blessing that I can. I don’t want you to feel pressured at all. But if I can help, I would be happy to.
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Peacefulwife,
Again, thank you for your prayers. Regarding the questions you asked: I think that she doesn’t really want intimacy because being intimate involves making yourself vulnerable, and the last thing a controller wants is to be vulnerable to someone else. I have thought about whether she might have a mental health problem, but I’m not sure—I don’t think so. The reason I say that is that she’s able to “turn on” the “nice” button when she wants to, like with co-workers and neighbors, but feels free to turn it off with me and the kids when she feels it suits her advantage.
I’ve confronted her in front of a marriage counselor (even though this is not a marital problem, it’s an abuse problem) and in front of her parents. Every time I’ve done this she’s denied that there’s any problem. (She was especially nasty after we left the counselor’s office, because I dared to confront her—which in her eyes made her look bad.) Regarding the children’s feeling loved, I don’t think it even crosses her mind. She seems to lack empathy.
With family devotions, I tried starting them probably three or four times during the time the kids were growing up. She was always passive-aggressive—she’d reluctantly agree to it, but when it was time for the devotions to start, she would sigh and roll her eyes as if to say, “I can’t believe that we’re being subjected to this boring activity and have to submit to this dolt whom I have no respect for.” After a minute or so (you could see her fidgeting), she’d say, “When are we going to get this over with, I’m in a hurry, I have things to do.” I figured it was better to just do devotions privately with each of the children separately. She wasn’t interested anyway.
My parents’ marriage I thought was “fair” (not good and not bad) but almost ended when my mom had an emotional affair after I left home. I don’t think my mom felt she was getting enough attention and affection. My dad told me that he really had to work hard to win her back.
My walk with Christ is going well (surprisingly). My wife used to have a godly woman that she was friends with. This woman was being abused by her Christian husband, so she had to separate; he then repented and she accepted him back; but then he started becoming abusive again, and now she’s separated from him for good. It was so ironic—this dear Christian woman would sit with our family and exclaim, “What a nice family you have” (not knowing that I was being subjected to abuse like she was).
I’m sure my wife is well aware how miserable I am. But with abusive people, it doesn’t matter. In fact, they seem to prefer it that way.
Thanks again for your wonderful ministry.
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Canny you help me see what I did wrong in this situation? I’m trying and can’t see how I should have handled it differently. A couple, I’ll call s and d sent our family a text message yesterday, a note of encouragement, and asked how we were doing, I responded that we had the flu but really appreciated their message. They responded with “we are going to town do you need us to drop anything by for you?” So I asked my husband if he wanted them to do that, he mentioned cough drops then said never mind it would be too hard to explain which type we wanted. He then said we could have them bring us paper plates. I said ok I can do that, I just feel bad asking them to when they have so little money (they have told us they are very low income) and my husband snapped back at me then tell them no you have already made up your mind. I said to him, I didn’t make up my mind I was just voicing a concern, do you want me to ask them to get plates? And his response again angry was no you already made up your mind just tell them no.
I was quite taken aback by his response, I really don’t know how or if I portrayed disrespect in that…..what should I have done differently?
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Tara,
Here is my take… The gentlemen are welcome to share their views if they would like.
Sometimes we as women try to determine if people who offer help to us SHOULD offer us help and then sometimes we turn them down because we think that if they do something for us, it will be too much of a burden or too much trouble. I have done that many times. I know lots of women who approach things like that.
Sometimes men don’t look at things the way we do. It is not wrong, it is just different. A man may assume that if someone offers to help, they can handle helping. They would probably assume that the person offering the help is in the position to decide if he can offer help or not. A man might respect the person’s ability to decide for himself that he can afford to offer help.
I know that you just voiced a concern. You didn’t intend to tell your husband not to ask the couple to bring something over. But maybe your husband heard disapproval in your message – disapproval of s and d’s offer and disapproval of his accepting their offer?
If you ask him if he wants something, then tell him why he shouldn’t want it AFTER you asked him and he answered, he may feel a bit blindsided.
If you had just said, “Sure, I will ask s and d to bring us the plates.” And then you could certainly reimburse them.
Does that help? 🙂
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I’m very emotional because I felt something about my marriage in each one of these issues.
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Wife is always quick to imply that I am a pushover and that people are always taking advantage of me. She seems to be so negative in her comments towards me at times. It’s has to really stressed me because I feel it is a blatant lack of respect on her part. What’s strange about it is when I mention my concerns to her, she make light of it by cutting me off, denying it ever happens, raising her voice or ignoring it all together.
The latest is when I attempted to explain to her about an incident I had with the mother of my ex-wife who called me and rudely accused me of an issue involving my son that I strangely new nothing about. Before I could two words out of my mouth and share with her what happened, she cut me off and said I didn’t “man up.” I love my wife but I’m getting tired of what I feel is a total lack of respect on her part. Me bringing up my concerns to her doesn’t seem to never work toward a compromise. And is only one of my concerns.
Any advise?
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Delvin,
That would be very frustrating for a husband. I wonder, what was her parents’ relationship like? And what is her relationship with Christ like?
Does your wife tend to believe that she must make everything work out or it will all fall apart? Is she driven by fear? Is she anxious and overwhelmed often?
Lots of wives don’t identify with the word “disrespect.” But, if they know they are causing their husbands pain, then they may be able to understand better that what they are doing is hurtful. How do you respond when you feel very disrespected?
I also invite you to check out this post.
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I am adding an example here of disrespect;
I have 3 dogs, two are large one is very small. They can get unruly and one of the big ones will jump on my wife while she is sitting nearby, injuring her. I have sticks meant for “directing” the dogs. I do not whip or beat the dogs with the sticks and I am not a dog abuser. We all have opinions on smacking, slapping, spanking or hitting a dog when it is “unruly.” I rarely hit the dogs with the stick but if they are on my plants or jumping on the kids or my wife, I use the stick, otherwise I will injure my hand.
The other day, we were out in our back patio having good conversation when the dog jumped up on my sitting wife, with its paws on her chest. I grabbed the stick and motioned with it and the dog ran away from us.
then…
…then my wife said not to “beat” her dogs. (as in, “don’t beat my dog”) I said I am not beating the dogs. she mentioned that neighbors will call to have me arrested for beating the dogs. I said, again, “I am not beating the dogs, they need redirection and the stick works, I rarely need to come in contact with them and the stick!”
she repeated that I cannot beat the dogs because it is against the law. I said “I am not beating the dogs!!”
I stood there for a moment and realized the situation was a matter of both trust AND the way she sees me as a man…an abusive, evil man. An evil man that beats his dogs! (which never happens) She saw me as an evil man that knows nothing about dogs which I have raised my whole life!!
She sees me as evil.
I am evil.
No, I am not. This was disrespect. I grow tired of telling her, so I walked out again. This time to the gym where I get acceptance and respect…for two hours!!
She missed it. She is so, indifferent to disrespect.
Even putting this floor project together which I have arranged in it’s entirety!!
Why can’t my wife consider that her man is not the spawn of evil?
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Is there a good resource where a husband can learn what is disrespect and how to deal with it? I need to know how to put my wife in her place. For example, if my wife disagrees with me, is that disrespect? She does not criticize or nag, just disagrees. I don’t like this.
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Passive Husband,
David Platt’s series on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood are very good. You can find them on YouTube.
However, I know of no command of God that a wife may not disagree and may not have her own opinion. God allows us all to have our own thoughts and free will. I believe it is a wife’s responsibility to share her thoughts, concerns, beliefs, needs and desires, even if she disagrees. Please check out the post at the top of my home page – Spiritual Authority. And also A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage
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Thank you. I will look it up. Maybe my expectations are not right.
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Passive Husband,
You know what? It is confusing for many men and women to try to figure out what respect and disrespect mean for wives. It took me about 2.5 years and over 30 books on godly marriage and godly femininity to begin to feel like I had any clue!
I have a post at the top of my home page about respect that may be helpful. And there is another post “What Is Respect in Marriage” where a number of husbands share what they find to be respectful.
Some things are practically universally disrespectful or respectful and some things are more of an individual preference.
I’m excited to be on this journey with you, my brother. 🙂
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Also, it is possible for a wife to be too respectful or too submissive.
Can You Overdo Respect and Submission?
Does Being a Biblically Submissive Wife Mean I Can’t Share What I Need and How I Feel?
Submitting Under Protest – when a wife disagrees with her husband
Please keep in mind, if a wife always agreed with her husband, it wouldn’t be submission for her to honor his decisions – it would be agreement. Submission means that when the couple cannot agree and the wife has shared her perspective, concerns, feelings, thoughts, ideas, desires, and wisdom, she willingly decides to trust her husband and go with his decision even though she doesn’t agree with it.
OF course, if a husband is not in his right mind, has uncontrolled mental health issues, is involved in drug/alcohol addiction, is actually abusing her or their children, asks her to clearly sin or to clearly condone sin, or is involved in unrepentant adultery – the wife may have to choose not to submit to her husband in those situations. (More on that in “Spiritual Authority”)
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Thank you. I have lots of reading to do. I was blaming my wife for being disrespectful but when I see what she is asked to do by God, I see it differently. If she disagrees with me then that would be hard for her to trust that decision. I will need to make sure that I am making decisions that she can trust and feel confidence in me. It is easy to blame the other person but God is showing me that if I expect to be respected as a leader then I should be a respectable leader first.
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Passive Husband,
For a woman to fully submit to her husband requires her first to have INCREDIBLE faith, trust, and full submission to Christ. It is terrifying as a woman to submit to a husband if she doesn’t understand God’s sovereignty and is living in fear rather than faith. But even if she does have the strongest faith in Christ, it is much more challenging to submit to a husband who is harsh, unloving, unkind, involved in unrepentant sin, or who seems to be making unwise or unbiblical choices.
And, there is a lot of studying for wives to do about what biblical submission and respect even mean. That is confusing, too!
If she doesn’t know how to fully submit to Christ – who is perfect – she won’t have the ability to submit to you, and this will require a lot of God’s power in your life and His love and patience as you seek to show her the love of Christ and as you wait for God to open her eyes and expand her faith.
When a wife feels safe and believes she can trust her husband, it is much, much easier for her to submit to his leadership even if she disagrees. She wants to feel that her husband cares about her feelings, concerns, ideas, wisdom, perspective, and desires. She wants to know that he is taking her needs and feelings into account. Her feelings should not be the total basis for his decision – pleasing God should be the ultimate basis. But a wife needs to know that her husband is not leading in a selfish way, but has her best interests at heart. If a husband makes many selfish decisions or decisions that are hurtful to his wife, it is very difficult for a wife to trust him.
It is always easiest to blame our spouse when things are not going well. I did that for well over 14 years myself. But our greatest power comes when we focus on our own sin and our own obedience to Christ and our own walk with Him. It is all about our relationship with Christ – as we are filled with His power and wisdom and truth – He opens up the storehouses of heaven to bring healing and beauty to our marriages.
This post could be interesting:
7 Basic Needs of a Husband and 7 Basic Needs of a Wife
I am so excited about what God is doing in your life! I can’t wait to see all that He has in store. 🙂
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I become disrespectful when he raises his voice, yells or criticizes me. I have been at this submitting thing for almost 20 years and it’s still not good enough. I feel like he disrespects me more than I do him. Although he would deny it. We have tried counseling but he always makes me look and feel like an idiot. He is harsh. At one point in our marriage, he used to call me a slacker. When I told him that was rude and insensitive, his response was “we’ll, it’s true. You need to change.” He doesn’t call me names anymore, but he still reminds me of all my shortcomings. In the past 7 months, I have become more and more bitter. It comes in waves, and I have mild depression. Yes, I’m in therapy. He says he’s happy with our marriage 85% of the time. Sometimes he blames it on work. I especially hate when he yells/raises his voice at me in front of the kids – I feel like he humiliates me. I try and stay calm, but he makes me nervous and start to feel attacked. I snap. I can’t help it. I feel like men want respect, but they don’t know how to love and respect their wives. Guess what? Jesus loved us before we loved Him. And men, you are called to love your wives as Christ loved the church. You need to earn the respect. Especially if you have a wife that stays home, raises God fearing children, and tries to do her best to please you in every way.
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ochokandelikas,
I’m really sorry that your husband yells at you. I wish there were no yelling in any marriage. 😦
What does your therapist suggest you do when your husband does that?
If you are interested in talking more about this – I would be happy to hash through things with you. No pressure, though. 🙂
Here is a post I bet you might like.
Your Blog Made Me SO Angry!
Much love to you! I would love to continue this discussion if you are up for it.
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I read up on things like this often to be sure I’m doing my part and I must say, this list is quite condescending to wives. In an attempt to tell wives what they do wrong, you have essentially told them to be the doormat to their husbands. This is basically saying we should not question or take part in anything and should do what women are supposed to do. It’s chauvinistic and appalling. As much as you all want to think marriage is about what you get out of it, it is not. We are not here to stroke your ego during the day and in bed. It is a partnership. You obviously want a picture perfect wives without a brain of her own. Your wife questioning you on your parenting is not solely disrespectful. Sometimes your punishment doesn’t fit the crime, and we are left to uphold a ridiculous punishment while you are not. We are supposed to have you make all the decisions about a household in which you are more often gone from than present? Hey guys, get off the high horse, seriously. It’s not 1940. There has to be a happy medium, as what you expect is solely for your happiness. This will effectively create hostility between you and your wife and daddy issues with your kids. Think about it… why are preachers kids typically the wildest?.. daddy issues.
Daddy issues typically result from controlling fathers or absent fathers. In reality, neither is much different than the other.
Now you can expect me to be what some refer to as a femi-nazi (misandrist feminist) but I am not. I greatly respect our differences between the sexes. I believe in equal treatment while maintaining our separate sense of self (male/female), meaning I embrace what makes us different. I will not however, kiss your ring to stroke your ego.
I’m not saying some of these shouldn’t be good examples, but this is more like a rulebook for wives to bend over. Any man who expects these all is a controlling tool. You aren’t in it for love with your wife and child(ren), you are in it for your so-called right as a man to have power over others. You need help understanding women, far more than they need to fit your rulebook.
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Hi, Just Me!
It’s a pleasure to meet you. 🙂
I know that you are new to my site. Here, we speak respectfully to everyone. We treat men with respect – and women. And we even treat those with whom we disagree with respect. I am thrilled to talk with you and to get to know your heart.
The purpose of this list is to give husbands a chance to articulate things that feel disrespectful to them. This is a list compiled from a number of men. Each man has his own list. Just like each wife has her own list of things that feel unloving to her. I have a post on my husband’s site with probably just as many things that can feel unloving to wives. It is probably an overwhelming list to a lot of husbands at first, and many of them may think it would be “impossible” to love a woman the way women would want to be loved.
Yes, this list can be overwhelming to wives at first. And, at first, some wives feel like this list sounds impossible and like these husbands are being completely unreasonable. Every husband doesn’t have every single one of these things on his list of things that feel disrespectful to him. The important thing is to find out what things feel disrespectful to our own husbands so that we aren’t in the dark about the things that our husbands think and feel. (It is possible for wives to take respect or biblical submission too far. I have some posts about that, as well.)
Yes, it is fine for wives to share concerns with their husbands about decisions – I have a number of posts about that – the point the husbands were making is that to question them in front of the children would be disrespectful. There are ways for us to share our concerns respectfully. And there are even ways for us to confront our husbands’ sin respectfully. It would be wise and respectful for spouses to talk to each other in private about concerns they have with each other’s parenting style so that they don’t undermine the other parent’s authority in front of the children. Just like it would be respectful for parents and teachers to have conversations about concerns in private and not in the hearing of the children. And it would be respectful for grandparents to not question a parents’ directions to a child in front of the child. For anyone to say in front of a child to a parent, “That is so dumb! You shouldn’t ask him to do that,” would undermine the parent’s authority in the eyes of the child and teach the child to disrespect his parent. For more about ways we can honor our husbands as fathers, please check out this post.
Ultimately, the purpose of this site is not to cater to our husbands and do whatever they say unquestioningly – but for us to obey Christ. Because we are fully submitted to Him, we will want to honor His command to us as wives who are believers in Christ to respect our husbands by His definition(Ephesians 5:22-33). We have lost our understanding of the language of respect for our husbands over the past few generations. Most women under 50 don’t even know what is disrespectful or respectful today. And for some of us, our husbands cannot articulate what feels respectful or disrespectful to them, so this is a place to begin to get some ideas for wives to prayerfully consider. There is also a post at the top of my home page about ways we can show respect for our husbands, as well.
What I have learned in my journey to become the wife God calls me to be as a believer in Christ, is that the way I treat my husband – my level of respect for him and my willingness to honor his God-given leadership – is a tangible indicator of my level of respect for and submission to God. My husband is not deity. I don’t owe him worship. But God is deity. And if Jesus is my Lord – He is in charge. And what He says goes. He gave up all of Himself for me by dying on the cross for me. Now, I have the honor of giving up all of myself to Him by living for Him daily and by walking in obedience as He gives me the power to. I want to walk in obedience to all that God commands me to because I know that all of God’s commands are ultimately for my own good and my own blessing.
Jesus wants to change us all – men and women – and to make us more and more like Himself. And we are all of equal worth in His eyes. We are all created in the image of God (Genesis 2) and men and women have equal value before God (Galatians 3:28) even though we have different roles in the church and in the family.
I don’t know what your relationship is with Christ. If you don’t know Jesus – I’m pretty sure that none of this will make any sense. But becoming a respectful wife, a godly wife, a wife with a peaceful and gentle spirit who does what is right and does not give way to fear – is all about our relationship with Christ Jesus. It is all about pleasing Him. It really isn’t about our husbands at all.
When we are living in the power of God’s Spirit, He is able to give us the power to respect our husbands (by His definition) and to not disrespect them. In our own strength, it is impossible without us becoming doormats. But with the power of God, we are not doormats. In fact, as we become more and more the wives God calls us to be, we have the power of heaven and of God at our disposal. We do lose the power of our sinful nature to tear down and destroy our husbands and our marriages when we are in Christ. But we gain the power of heaven to bless, build up, encourage, love, honor, and respect our husbands for God’s glory.
God also has many commands for husbands about how to love and honor their wives, to not be harsh with them, to love them selflessly and sacrificially. I only write for wives, so I only talk about our part of the marriage here. But just because I only speak to wives, that does not negate God’s commands to husbands. God’s design for marriage is beautiful! And it brings much glory and honor to Christ and His Gospel.
And we are all called to love one another – our spouses – and everyone – with the agape love of God which does include respect:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8a
We are also all called to walk in the power of God’s Spirit – the fruit of which will always be God’s supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
God commands husbands to deeply love their wives and children in the very same way that Jesus loves His church. When a man loves his wife and children like that, there will be no Daddy issues.
Thankfully, even if our husbands are not close to God, if we focus on our own walk with Christ, our obedience to Him, staying close to Jesus, and being filled with His power, He will dramatically change US and then, He often begins to change our husbands for His greatest glory in His timing. It is a win/win/win all around! (I Peter 3:1-6)
We will never change our husbands by being disrespectful to them. Men are wired to respond most to respect just like we are wired to respond most to love. When we begin to treat them with respect and honor, we are building up our marriages rather than tearing them down.
The wise woman builds her house but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down.” Proverbs 14:1
And God commands wives to respect their husbands and to submit to their husbands’ leadership (unless the husband is asking the wife to clearly sin or to condone clear sin). For more on this, you are welcome to read “Spiritual Authority”, A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage, and Biblical Submission.
Much love to you!
What Does It Mean to Be an Ungodly Woman?
What Is Godly Femininity?
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That was a wonderful answer to Just Me’s post. Very well put.
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CJ,
Thank you so much.
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I am so glad I found this blog. I am posting here currently broken, confused, and hurt. My husband and I got into an argument today all because of me.
A situation happened with our son at school today in which he could have possibly gotten hurt by another child, Thank God he did not. When we arrived home I told my husband I was upset so he was like what happened so I told my husband what happened. Then our son started telling him too and all of a sudden my husband was telling him toughen up and to get your hand out your pocket like that.. I was confused as of to what was going on and I saw him getting angry with our son before he could tell him what happened. I assumed that I knew what he was upset about I thought my son may have done a gesture or appeared to be weak so I interrupted him without realizing it.
I was wrong 100 percent on my part because he told me this was between him and his son and I kept teying to tell him not to be upset…so I told him that’s fine and said we have to talk after you all are done. This made him really upset because he said I disrespected him. When we were arguing he kept telling me to shut up but I kept talking. He got very upset and started throwing stuff and calling me out my name. He told me if I disrespectful to him he will make me feel the same way. When he gets angry he says horrible things to make me feel the way I made him. He says if I want respect I have to give it.
I apologized about disrespecting him because I did not even realize I was doing it. He wished death on me and said he was disgusted with our marriage and said if I truely loved him I would have never done this. I am hurt because he is so angry. Now I am questioning whether or not I love him the way I should. I went to God in prayer but I need help and so does he with his anger. He says I am one of the most selfish and evil people he has ever known this is after I apologized multiple times. Now I have shut down and silent I don’t know what else to do or say to him… God please help me and lift me up in you all prayers please….
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Saw,
Oh dear!!
How I wish I could hug your neck, my precious friend!! What a terrible mess.
I do teach wives about how to respect our husbands, of course, each husband has his own definition to some degree. But, I am very concerned for your safety. Do you believe you are safe? Has your husband thrown things before or hurt you before or wished death on you? That is never justifiable! Even if you were disrespectful, you should be safe in your home.
What is your relationship with Christ?
What is his relationship with Christ?
What country are you both from?
More sin never makes anything better. it just makes things so much worse.
I am lifting you both and your son up in prayer tonight and sending you a huge hug!!!
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I, like yourself 5 years ago, am on a search for what God wants for me. I struggle with disrespecting my Husband. I have a controlling personality and find myself wishing my husband was” a little more this or that”. It’s not that I don’t love him. I love him very much but it has been a hard 13 years of marriage and I’m just realizing now through searching, that I am more to blame then ever I ever realized.
Unfortunately, my husband before we were married and in the early years of our marriage had a problem with porn I wasn’t aware of. He also had been to the strip club a few times and had touched the dancers. This devastated me to a the lowest point I had ever been. I was not a Christian at this time but turn to Christ to save me from my pain and suffering.
We have really worked on our marriage for the last 7 years and have come along way, however I now see how I’m still throwing it in his face and constantly questioning him about all his actions. I try to be submissive but when I bring it up he laughs and says I will never be a submissive person. I don’t want him to feel this way anymore but I am scared that if I am I will get hurt again. I guess it’s my way of feeling like I am protecting myself from further pain. I hope that soon I can let go of the hurt and anger and be the woman I know Christ wants me to be.
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Hey sister, I’m struggling with this too, I believe its just a process and bless you, the fact that you have courage to try to please the Lord and your husband are wonderful. Its when we are in pain the Lord wants us so much. If you need a friend to talk to about any daily struggle you can email me stargazer19888@gmail.com. I think its great to have the support of our sisters to become Godly wives that our Lord wants us to be. Love Liz
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Wow, I am simply amazed at how backwards love and marriage really are displayed in society. All women could use a healthy dose of this reality. Great blog, I am new to submission but this blog really helps to put it into perspective that men really do need respect, and in turn they feel loved. I grew up in a dominant female home, and I did not learn this until the holy spirit got a hold of me Mich later in my adult life. I pray my husband be blessed by this, thank you in Jesus name. Love, Your sister in Christ Liz.
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Liz,
I wish we had all learned this before we got married – but I thank God that He is allowing us to learn it now! I pray that your husband might be greatly blessed as God works powerfully in your heart to transform you to be the woman He calls you to be. 🙂 Wonderful to meet you, my precious sister!
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Isn’t it interesting how the type of home we grow up in affects how we choose to act in our marriages later in life. I grew up with a very dominant male home ( not in a healthy or safe way) I think maybe thats why I struggle with being so dominant. So grateful for the holy spirt to convict us of this!
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All,
Men and women all tend toward sinful extremes – being too passive and unplugged, or being dominating, too aggressive, and maybe even verbally harsh or abusive.
Those who are too passive, too quiet, and too respectful or submissive – will have to correct toward the center where God commands us to be. Those who are too aggressive, too harsh, and too dominating will need to correct toward the center where God commands us to be. Those at opposite ends of the spectrum will be correcting in opposite directions from each other. I hope that makes sense.
The goal is always to become the people God commands us to be, that we might walk in the power of God’s Spirit, walking in obedience to all that God has said to us and walking in love for God and for our spouses.
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Hi April
I always read your blog and i always learn so much from your blog everytime i read it. I know it is not an easy thing to be challenged with any kind of attack towards your passion and what you love to do,but iam so impressed by the love ,wisdom and knowledge that is so much in you and may you continue to prayerfully stand your ground,never let anything bring you down and keep your light shine and continue to do what God have called you to do.I belive you have saved a lot of lives and you will still continue to do so….God Bless you.
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Paulina,
Thanks for the encouragement. 🙂 This is difficult at times, yes. I expect challenges and opposition. I am actually really thankful for them because they help me grow like nothing else and they help me to refine and clarify my message – which is better for all of my readers, as well. I can’t always predict accurately how people will hear me – so it helps me to have feedback. I go to great lengths to try to prevent women from misunderstanding my words – and yet, a minority seems to misunderstand at times. I can’t tell you how much this grieves my heart, how many tears I have cried over such situations, and how many fervent prayers I have prayed over hurting women in the past few years.
I know that everyone has their own filters, their own experiences, wounds, and scars that affect how they read, hear, and perceive things. One of the reasons I ask women whose husbands are very controlling or abusive not to read my posts about marriage is because these particular precious women tend to be the ones that misunderstand me most – and they seem to misunderstand in dangerous ways. They are my most vulnerable sisters. I want them to receive the one-one-one godly counseling they need in ways that they can best receive from Spirit-filled, wise, mature, believers in Christ who have experience dealing with these difficult issues and who can point them to Christ and the Bible while specifically addressing any misunderstandings. There may be some extra challenges and mindsets that need to be lovingly, carefully addressed. I don’t want to ever hurt any of my sisters (or brothers).
I have no doubt that God has called me to do this ministry at this time. I long for God to empower me to be faithful and obedient. I long to point people to Christ and the truth of His Word above all else. I have seen God heal and transform hundreds of women’s lives and marriages around the world here for His glory. What an incredible privilege it is to watch Him at work.
I would greatly appreciate prayer. If there is something I can do that will bless any of my sisters, I want to do it as I seek to uphold God’s Word and His principles. Ultimately, I am in total dependence on God to open women’s eyes and to work in their hearts.
Thank you for sharing.
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I never felt something so,so Genuine, Devine as this before ever in my 36yrs of living.Its knowledge every woman needs truly!!!!! Thanks for sharing
Sincerely,Allen
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Allen,
I’m glad this was a blessing to you.
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I do understand these things, but the fun thing is for me, is my husband does a good 90% of these things to ME. I keep my mouth shut when he’s upset (I don’t like arguing and confrontation) I take care of him when he’s sick, I do my best to make sure the house is clean, while being a stay at home mom with a 1,2 and 7 year old. I’m about as “submissive” as it gets, but I don’t need another father- as I already have one. And a wonderful one at that. I need a HUSBAND. I thought I’d find some good insight from this website but all I see is that us women need to bow down to our husbands and their wants and needs. I do my best to fulfill what he wants and needs, but sometimes it’s just not good enough. So I take it you’ll tell me it’s MY fault? Maybe I’ve missed the whole concept, but I feel as if I’ve been a very good wife, mother and person in general. Maybe, just maybe, some men/husbands need to be reevaluated. Not us wives. I surely don’t want to be under a microscope and don’t feel that it is necessary. By informing a husband that their wives should be “submissive” might mean to them that the word submissive means more control and control in general. What about working together as a TEAM? Or is that not good enough? Are we not equals? And no, I’m not a feminist, in case you’re wondering. Far from being one. I just don’t think the husbands egg to make all of the household decisions- especially for a stay at home mom. I’m the one who is home with the kids 24/7 while he is at work. We are blessed to have him as a husband and father. He’s great to the kids. But he doesn’t know much about any of them. When I punish them I know what will work, where he doesn’t. And I say that from experience. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. I let him do what he feels he needs to do, but when he sees his “punishments” aren’t working, he asks ME what I feel is the correct punishments. What I’m getting at with thus website is, please give us women a little more credit. Not all of us make our husbands feel like trash. Sometimes it’s the opposite. Every marriage and situation is different. I believe the bible is a very good learning source, but it doesn’t always fit every single situation.
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Valerie,
If you are overly submissive, (and I don’t know if you are), this is not going to be a good blog for you. You may need help learning to stand up more for yourself and to respect yourself more, possibly, particularly if your husband is very harsh or domineering. This blog is written more for women who have not understood respect and submission and were generally dominant and disrespectful. That is my background, and it is my unavoidable slant – fortunately or unfortunately.
The Bible does always apply, but, you are going to be coming at the godly wife thing from the opposite angle of women with a past like mine. And my husband tends to be passive. You may benefit from reading something by wives who have dealt with more outspoken or harsh husbands.
There are some husbands who are controlling and who don’t treat their wives well. Husbands have sin issues, too. All people are sinners according to Romans 3:23. We all have our own issues to look at. My focus is to ask wives to look at themselves and see if there is anything God desires them to change. Maybe you have no issue with respect or submission, that is great!
I don’t write for husbands here, but they have much more accountability and responsibility than wives do to God in marriage. God never condones sin of any kind, and neither do I. I don’t want husbands or wives or children to ever be mistreated.
You ARE equals, absolutely. God made all people to have equal value, men and women, and all the various ages and races. We are all equal image bearers of God – Genesis 2. And we are all of equal worth in Christ – Galatians 3:28. For more on this, you are welcome to read “my beliefs” at the top of my home page.
It is possible to be too submissive and too respectful to the point where a husband, especially one who is far from God, may take advantage. It is possible for a wife to put a husband in the place of Christ as if the husband had absolute authority over the wife, which is NOT a biblical concept. You can search my home page for “absolute authority” and you can also check out the post at the top of my home page about spiritual authority and the one on biblical submission and the one on abuse if you would like. I believe those posts will address most of your concerns.
The Bible applies to all of us, God commands all wives to respect our husbands. He also commands all husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church and laid down His own life for the church. But there are different dynamics and personalities in different marriages. Some men are too dominant and controlling. Some are too passive. Some women are too dominant and controlling, some are too passive. There is this beautiful place in between being dominant or passive where God desires us to live in obedience to Him by the power of His Spirit. We are all called to love God first and to love others with His love. A wise husband will take his wife’s per selective, feelings, and wisdom into account and will care very much about her needs and the needs of his children.
I do have some posts about not being overly submissive. But, it is possible that a different blog, or a godly mentoring wife who knows you and your situation, may be more helpful than my blog in your situation. Although you are most welcome here. 🙂
Much love to you!
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Valerie,
I have a post about “confronting our husbands about their sin”. You can look that up and “overly submissive” on my home page, if you like. Being submissive and respectful does not mean we must always endure mistreatment or being sinned against – and say nothing. That sounds like a very unhealthy relationship dynamic.
I also invite you to read “a Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage” at the top of my home page for a better view of balance in marriage.
Praying for you to find the godly counsel and help you need. Of course, what all need more than anything is Jesus and the power of His Spirit to transform us to be more and more like Himself.
If you want to talk about your relationship with Christ, I would love to talk with you about that. I want you to experience all the peace and joy Christ has for you.
Much love
April
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Really more to learn
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Thank u for your feedback. I feeling incredibly alone. I have to admit that I don’t always know how to do things for God when it comes to my marriage and my husband. Today he has just about ignored me when we have been home together. This hurts so much. I feel extremely punished and he feels justified in the way he treats me.
My walk with Christ has become very strong this past year. I have needed his strength to be able to face my shortcomings and to walk with me on the days that are full of fear and hopelessness.
I love your suggestion not to focus on restoring the marriage. If he chooses to end our marriage because it is too painful for him, than he will have to answer to God and our children.
I will continue to pray for the Holy Spirit to change me and soften my husbands heart.
Love your blog and love for us sister’s who are struggling.
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Betsy,
What does your counselor suggest for you to do at this point?
What did he/she tell your husband?
Husbands who are feeling disrespected or controlled tend to shut down. It is as painful for them to feel Ike this as it is for us to feel unloved and abandoned.
You both have a lot of healing to do. The more you can focus on your walk wtih Christ, the faster you will heal and be stronger so that you can bless your husband and be more and more the wife God desires you to be.
When people are hurting and have been sinned against, they tend to justify their sin against the person who hurt them. But God can bring conviction. And God can bring healing and reconciliation. He is sovereign, even over you and your husband. God is the key here. Keep your eyes on Him!
What are you praying for?
What are you reading in the Bible lately?
Much love and the biggest hug to you!
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Hi there,
I really appreciate the list. I would consider myself to be a respectful wife, and I’ve made conscious decisions to avoid certain behaviors that I know are disrespectful; for example, I don’t bash my husband to my girl friends and get uncomfortable when they do (which isn’t often–I have good girl friends). But anyway, I saw a lot of things on that list that I do. I just had no idea they were also disrespectful. I agree that those of us under 50 may be just misinformed and have never seen an example of a wife treating her husband with genuine respect. I don’t want to say I never have, but it’s not what was modeled to me growing up, and of course, we all know about feminism. It’s taken such root in society that you look at a list like that and question: Is that right? I think it’s neat that the book “The Surrendered Wife” is written by a self described feminist. She does a great job of sorting out the issues of how equality in the workplace may be a worthy goal, but it doesn’t address marriage dynamics.
I also want to say that if I’d come across your blog a year or two ago I would have had a much more defensive reaction, and I can see myself in some of the comments that are more argumentative. I really never liked the phrase “Biblical submission” or even “submission” in reference to myself as a wife. I finally figured out the reason, thanks to the Surrendered Wife book. All along, I was sure that being submissive (giving up control) meant being stripped of my power (not so much by my husband but maybe by God or myself).
As a kid who among other things felt she had no power in her family of origin–I’d made requests and suggestions which in retrospect were very mature and assertive as a child and was massively shut down, getting the clear message that my opinion doesn’t matter and I have no influence or power in this household and that feeling carried well into adulthood–the last thing I wanted was to also be powerless in my marriage. I also made the mistake of equating power with control. Reading Laura Doyle’s book helped me realize the two are not the same–that in fact, relinquishing certain types of control actually was my key to more power than I ever imagined (I’m married to a good man).
It also hit me that I have an incredible amount of power over my husband right now. My words and demeanor literally have the power to build up or destroy him (not immediately, but over many years). That’s very sobering. I’ve been married for close to fifteen years now and all this time I’ve been wielding my power in a very clumsy and often destructive way, mainly because I didn’t know how to use it properly–kind of like a ten year old driving a car without being taught to drive.
Another reason I probably wasn’t ready to get this information until now is that God had more foundational work to do with me first–much of it being of the healing variety. But I’m ready now, or at least I’m open to the possibility that this Biblical submission thing could also apply to me 😉 I mention this as a kind of suggestion for anyone out there reading this material and having a strong negative reaction to it. It may be that God has some work to do with you first, and it’s really OK to set this aside for the time being, as long as you are open to God’s will for your life in general and are trusting Him to have your best at heart.
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fernandagpowers,
LOVE this! Thank you so much for sharing. I thought I was a respectful wife, too – and had no idea how many things I was doing that felt disrespectful to my husband. The Surrendered Wife, though not biblically based, was the thing that REALLY helped me to see my thinking and control and how to begin to change it and how to think differently. I’m so thankful for that book and for many treasures that Laura Doyle shared.
You know what? I would really like to share your comment as a post – if you are interested. I think it will bless many wives. I love what God is doing in your heart! It is SO beautiful.
Much love to you! THANK YOU for sharing!
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Hi April,
Wow, I’m blushing! Thanks!
Yes, you can use my earlier comment in a post or however you want. Can you please link back to this post on my blog when you do?
http://fernandapowers.com/2015/07/02/a-new-perspective-on-biblical-submission/
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fernandagpowers,
I would love to link it to your blog. Thank you so very much! 🙂
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Hi April,
I’ve been thinking about your disclaimer comment about how “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle is not Biblically based. And I think I know exactly what you’re talking about–in that post you’ll link to I dedicated a paragraph to getting those issues out of the way just to be clear I don’t endorse those parts.
But I’ve been studying her website and blog posts and taking note of what she’s doing with this great insight she has about what makes intimate relationships really work, and here’s what I’ve observed.
The first and greatest thing is that she mentors a lot of people, like in the thousands, and she’s built up a network of people who mentor on her behalf through her relationship coach training and certification, which BTW a lot of people take just to be able to share it within their current social circles, churches, small groups, etc. (not to make a career out of it). I may at some point do this as long as it’s OK to adapt some of it (i.e. approach to “higher power”) to work better with my faith/conscience. In my church, my pastor who is a huge fan of small groups has talked about the multiplying effect of true discipleship. Laura Doyle has that down. She’s effectively discipling people in this particular area.
The second great thing is that Laura Doyle’s “ministry” (in quotes because as far as I know she’s not a Christian) is that it is strictly limited to women. She does not teach men. Ever. I’m not saying that men don’t read her stuff, but she is very clear that it is not intended for them. She tells us women it’s up to us, that we have the power. I even read something on her blog about how we women can singlehandedly change our marriages for the better. She hosts retreats just for women. She’s clearly jaded about marriage therapists and therapy and doesn’t recommend it but she gives good reasons for it, the main one being that it’s fundamentally disrespectful to a man for his wife to in front of him tell a third party all the things that are wrong with him. I personally would think that a good marriage counselor wouldn’t approach therapy that way, but I’ve never been to one, so I don’t know. She says she tried it and it landed her closer to divorce and she’s heard 16 years of horror stories from others with similar outcomes, so I kind of have to defer to her on the experience. As for women teaching men, I don’t think that is wrong in every circumstance–in my line of work (and I do work for my church) that’s at times necessary–but I finally get the heart of it which is that we women should not be taking it upon ourselves to instruct or correct our men, or really in any way setting ourselves over them even if only in our minds, mainly because it’s disrespectful and not effective and it has to do with the way God created them. We actually weaken our position and sabotage ourselves by trying to incite our husbands to make even necessary changes that way; there’s just a so much better way which I’m now learning.
Anyway, I’m starting to think that even though she never set out to do this, what Laura Doyle is doing and advocating is probably the most Biblically based thing I’ve encountered (granted, my experience is not exhaustive, by any means). The particular Scripture passage which could support this comes from Titus 2:1-8 which says:
“But as for you, teach what is consistent with sound doctrine. Tell the older men to be temperate, serious, prudent, and sound in faith, in love, and in endurance. Likewise, tell the older women to be reverent in behavior, not to be slanderers or slaves to drink; they are to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be self-controlled, chaste, good managers of the household, kind, being submissive to their husbands, so that the word of God may not be discredited. Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, gravity, and sound speech that cannot be censured; then any opponent will be put to shame, having nothing evil to say of us.”
Obviously, Laura Doyle doesn’t do much of the theological stuff there, but the specific part about encouraging the young women to love their husbands and to be self-controlled, kind, and submissive to their husbands (and to a limited way, good managers of the household by essentially learning how to manage themselves, particularly self-care–she doesn’t have personal experience with raising children; that’s where someone like you can pick up where she leaves off), she does very well and effectively. Like many Christian women, I’ve at times asked myself: “Where are those Titus 2 women when you need ’em?” In a funny way, I just found one for me. Not only that, I actually have confidence that once I get a year or two of putting these principles into practice in my own marriage under my belt, I actually could be a Titus 2 woman for others, as in I would actually know what to tell them and how to advise them on the matter of loving and being submissive to their husbands, something I had no clue about before.
So, in conclusion, I would consider Laura Doyle’s teaching and mentoring approach to be exceedingly Biblically sound–even Biblically based–even though she doesn’t specifically cite the Bible. To me this shows just how amazing God is, in the way He chooses to raise up people, even people who don’t know Him, to advance His Kingdom. It also shows just how incredibly sound and solid His teaching is, that it stands so powerfully on its own, even when taught by someone who most likely doesn’t see the Bible as authoritative and who may not even realize she’s teaching Biblical teaching. I mean seriously, who knew that one day an avowed feminist woman would be teaching principles of Biblical submission of wives to their husbands to thousands of women, and to even further mentor some of those women to teach the same things themselves to other women?
As a Christian woman, I actually take this as a call to step up.
Anyway, like I said, no arguments from me that there are some issues in the book and it’s good to let people know that it’s not a Christian book, per se. But I at least wanted to throw out this other perspective… that strangely enough… it’s managed to be, possibly even in spite of itself, an incredible fount of sound Biblical teaching.
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fernandagpowers,
Laura Doyle’s book helped me more than any other book to truly examine my self-talk, my motives, and my sinful attitudes and behaviors. God can absolutely use someone, even who is not a believer, to share His truth.
I would encourage women to read her book, The Surrendered Wife, but there are parts where she talks about that she does not support submission, only surrender. And she encourages women to invent a god for themselves if they don’t have one. So – there are definitely some things we need to be wary of.
But much of what she says about respect and relinquishing control is very helpful and does align with Scripture, in my view.
Thank you so very much for sharing!
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I agree about the invent a god thing–and definitely mention that in my “endorsement disclaimer” paragraph.
Here’s where I’d like to know more: When you say “…there are parts where she talks about that she does not support submission, only surrender,” what does that mean? What is the difference? I’m a newbie I guess 🙂
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Fernandagpowers,
I have actually emailed Laura Doyle a number of times and am a big supporter of her first book. I consider her to be a mentor in many ways as I was on this journey.
But she teaches that wives give up trying to control their husbands, she does not endorse the idea that God designed husbands to be the spiritual leaders and that wives are to honor their husbands’ leadership. So she does not teach biblical submission, only respect and giving up control.
Laura has expressed that she is not concerned about wives’ motives. If they change so that their husbands will love them more, she is fine with that – in other words, selfish motives are ok.
I teach that we are to become the wives God desires us to be in order to please God regardless of our husbands’ response. I teach that God cares very much about our motives being right and not sinful. I believe wives can make their husbands more important than Christ in their lives, idolatry, and that is a big problem. And I teach that we do not change in order to get our husbands to change – I believe that is manipulation. We allow God to change us so that we please and honor Him and bless our husbands, not expecting anything from our husbands in return. We know God will reward us for our obedience in heaven.
There are many things she teaches that are very helpful and point us toward the direction of biblical teaching about marriage, but not all of her teaching aligns with Scripture.
Any time we are reading a human’s words, we must carefully evaluate what is said against Scripture. That goes for my words, too!
Much love!
April
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Fair points. I think I kind of made a lot of those “corrections” in my mind as I was reading the book without really thinking about it. Of course, the spiritual place you come from is going to impact the way you read a book like that and what you take away from it. The place I’m at with the Lord majorly impacts the way I read the Bible and what I take away from it.
On the motive one, I do agree with you, but I also believe that right behavior can lead to a right heart, especially when practiced consistently. It doesn’t always work out that way, but if I stop saying disrespectful things to my husband–even if I’m focused on what’s in it for me–I still get practice behaving respectfully, he gets respected, and I think that could lead to my own heart changing to a more selfless attitude. How many of us have done something with gritted teeth–because it was the right thing to do–and grown through that? Another perspective is that the fact that the surrender principles work so well despite selfish motives to me says just how much God knew what he was doing when he designed us the way he did, and gave us our different responsibilities.
I could say more but recognize it probably would be hair splitting. I was wondering if I could quote your entire previous comment on at least one of my posts related to Laura’s book? I’d like to at least mention your point of view. Like you, I might even make it its own post. Would that be OK with you?
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fernandagpowers,
I love Doyle and her book. It was more helpful to me than many of the Christian books – which was frustrating to me. And for those who know the Bible and handle it well, they can trash the parts that don’t line up with Scripture easily. But for those who don’t know Scripture well, they may end up absorbing some ungodly ideas, too. I actually have mostly positive things to say about her book – but because there are some who don’t know the Bible well, I want to be sure to share the things that believers may need to filter out. If you were to use my comment as a post, I would want to add a lot more positive things to it, or it may seem very unbalanced as if I don’t like her book. And that is far from the case! You are welcome to quote me, but I would appreciate if you add some more positive things from the other post I shared below.
Yes, the right behavior can lead to a right heart. I agree that it is definitely possible. I have seen some women actually come to Christ through respecting and submitting to their husbands who began not knowing Jesus. But as a woman who is seeking to teach the truth of the Gospel and the truth of Christ, I don’t want to skip over the heart issue of motives since that is where our sin always originates and because God desires to completely regenerate our souls. To me, the most important part of the journey is allowing Christ to refine us and to transform our hearts, minds, and thoughts – including our motives. But I agree that not everyone starts out with pure motives and that there can be some improvements in marriage even when a wife may not have godly motives.
Thank you!
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I’m with you on it being more helpful than many of the Christian books. The whole concept of wifely submission literally clicked for me when I read that book. And I think at least for me, not pushing Scripture through it was important. It’s like I needed to see the Biblical principles stand out on their own without them being promoted as such. With that said, I didn’t read it in isolation. I’m sure God brought the book into my life because it was the logical next step in the work He’s been doing in me already.
Have you ever written a complete review of it? If so, I would love to read it. I definitely agree with the idea of heartily endorsing it… with some disclaimers.
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fernandagpowers,
Here is what Greg wrote about my experience with The Surrendered Wife.
Some of my additional thoughts about The Surrendered Wife.
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I read about Greg’s experience and that was really impactful to get it from the man’s perspective. Your husband is different from mine in a lot of ways, but deep down, they’re both men, and need the same thing from their wives: respect. And your post, which I just read, wow! Yup, I avoided the most obvious signs of disrespect, but had no idea about the more subtle ones. Looking forward to really getting going on this. Old habits do die hard. Signing off now, because I want to watch one of Laura Doyle’s videos. I’ll have to catch some of yours too one of these days.
I know I’ll be looking around for insights on how to handle the home making aspects of things. Laura doesn’t give too much help with that–I’m not quite at a place in life (4 kids and hoping for more) where I can just relax and receive all the time, know what I mean? But one thing at a time 🙂
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fernandagpowers,
I’m glad this was helpful. 🙂 Yes, it takes a lot of time, prayer, effort, practice and the Holy Spirit to learn this stuff. I’m excited about what God is showing you!!! 🙂
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Oh! There are ways to ask respectfully for help. I also have posts about respecting our husbands as fathers.
If there are specific concerns, let me know, and we can talk about them. 🙂
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I can so relate to your comment. A couple of years ago I would not have been able to even consider this list. I may have seen myself but would not have been willing to do anything.
Now that my marriage is at the end and my husband has gotten healthy enough to say that he will not tolerate my brokenness, my whole world has collapsed around me. now I am more than willing to change my disrespectful nature.yet my husband says its too late.
I grew up in a home full of disrespectful adults. I didn’t notice that what I was doing was hurtful. My behavior was almost automatic, and probably a way I have coped with stress and conflict.
I can only pray that the Holy spirit continues to work in me and work in my marriage. I need his grace more than ever. The last 24 hours have been rough
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Betsy,
Hmmm… so many women need to hear this comment, as well. I wonder if you might allow me to anonymously share any of it?
Praying for you and your husband, my dear sister! How are things going?
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Please feel free to share anything of value. I am staying in The truth of what God says I am and asking to be changed and made new whether in this marriage or not. I pray that on this side of eternity my changes can be used to renew my marriage. Right now it is just a marriage of one.
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Betsy,
Thank you so much! I am having a lot of Internet problems due to some lightning damage in our area, but hope to post some of your comment to my PW FB page later this week, God-willing. 🙂
Almost all of us start this journey as the only spouse willing to invest in s hurting marriage. There are times God wakes up both spouses at the same time, but that is rare. Usually, He wakes up one first and begins to use them to change the dynamics and direction by His power at work in that one spouse’s life for a long time first.
You are not alone!!!!!!
Much love!!
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How can I get this book.
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Geoffrey,
My first book is coming out – which will include a discussion on this topic – January 27, 2016. The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord. There is a page on Amazon already, if you are interested.
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Hi April, My sweet sister in Christ, I need your help & advice.
Recently my husband left his phone at home by accident on the way to the gym. He always keeps it on or near him and I hardly ever touch his phone because I feel uncomfortable like he doesn’t want me to see something or read something idk..however we’ve talked about being transparent with each other and that our phones/Facebook or other social accounts are free for either one of us to log in if we wanted to..Anyways I glanced at his text messages and clicked on a ongoing text conversation with a girl who works with him. She’s the office manager basically like an assistant to him and the other bosses.
As I was glancing through this conversation it was mostly about work and work requests but my husband puts smiley faces in just about every text he sends her. I know he wouldn’t talk to any of the guy workers this way so I don’t know why all the extra animation and smilies are for her? And he doesn’t text that way to me. It feels flirty April And I’m just kind of shocked and surprised by it.
I know he’s not “cheating on me” but I also know this is how office romances and affairs can start. I haven’t confronted him about this yet but I want to talk to him about it. How can I bring it up in a respectful/peaceful way and voice that I am uncomfortable with him being overly friendly and texty to an attractive coworker/assistant. What can I say to him? How can I bring this up? When should I bring it up?
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Liz,
You know what? If the only thing that was different or possibly inappropriate was that he used smiley faces, I don’t know that it is worth bringing that up. Maybe she put smiley faces a lot so he did, too? It’s possible that this may not have been flirting.
Could it lead to flirting? Yes. Maybe.
Has your husband ever given you any other reason not to trust him?
How about praying and seeking God’s wisdom first? You can certainly pray for God’s protection over him from temptation and for God’s wisdom for him.
How are you and your husband doing in relating to each other? How have you been treating him?
You could have a general discussion about what things he believes would be flirtatious and where he believes the line is. That may be a conversation that you could have that might be productive. But I am concerned that if you make a really big deal over this, you may repel him unnecessarily. Does that make sense?
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She shouldn’t ask him what he thinks is flirtatious?As an adult woman, she already knows. He knows that this is clearly inappropriate and wrong. God gives women wisdom too, wisdom to discern when her husband is doing a bad thing and she does have the right to tell him he is disrespecting her and the marriage. Being respectful and allowing your husband to be the leader, does not take away her right to tell him he is hurtful and disrespectful to her.
When God. created women,, it was after he saw that no animal was suitable. A real human woman has the mind to speak up for herself.
What would be your advice to a husband whose wife is having a much too friendly conversation by phone with her male co worker?
Also, there is scripture about a mother’s instructions. Also, wives have lists of things that are hurtful, unloving, and disrespectful to wives. The lists are very similar as husbands do the same things to their wives, but no one will admit this.
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pk,
A wife could certainly initiate a conversation and ask about her husband’s personal convictions on what is flirtatious – and she could share things that she feels are flirtatious. I think the key would be not to come across as condemning or “holier-than-thou.” It would be easy for a husband to think he was doing something that was just friendly – in this particular case with the smiley faces – and not think he was being flirtatious. As a pharmacist, I used to put smiley faces on patient’s rx bottles and say “get well soon,” to all of my patients on antibiotics. A wife one time accused me of flirting with her husband. I had not even considered that anyone might think such a thing back then. I just thought I was being courteous and caring. I don’t want this to end up being a bigger problem than it really is. It would be different if he was openly flirting or sexting or having an affair. Then, a very direct response on the wife’s part may be necessary. I think there should be different responses from a wife depending on the severity of the situation.
If there is a potentially innocent situation, like what Liz is talking about, I would personally like to see things kept as light and non-confrontational as possible. I would love to see wives assume the best about their husbands rather than assuming the worst and then coming down on them with a sledge hammer when a feather would have done the job. She can share her personal convictions and that certain things seem “overly friendly” or “possibly flirtatious” to her and that she would love to see them agree on some boundaries together. But I would hope it would be as a friendly, humble teammate, not as an “angry school teacher,” if the only offense is a few smiley faces.
If it comes to light that there is sin going on – then a wife would want to prayerfully consider when to confront her husband about sin. But I don’t want to see wives labeling husbands as sinning if they truly are not. That would be counterproductive and a wife could end up unnecessarily repelling her husband.
A real human woman absolutely has a mind to speak up for herself – and hopefully she will prayerfully consider what would be wise to share and what would be the most productive way to discuss a concern so that she doesn’t sabotage the things she wants most in her marriage.
Wives do have lists of things that are unloving or disrespectful to them. I wrote a post about that actually – it is on my husband’s blog – http://www.peacefulhusband.com. I don’t share a list of things that feel unloving to wives on this blog because we are all wives and we already know what feels unloving and hurtful to us. Here, I try to share things that will help us better understand our husbands and help us adjust our approach to them to seek to honor Christ and our husbands – which will result in a stronger, more vibrant, more loving/respectful marriage in both directions.
Much love to you! Thanks so much for sharing your concerns.
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pk,
A wife might gently say, “I know you are an honorable man. I am so thankful that you seek to protect and nurture our marriage. I appreciate your willingness to share your convictions about boundaries with me. I know we won’t always have the exact same personal convictions. This might seem like such a tiny thing, but some women may take smiley faces in a text to mean that a man might be trying to be overly friendly. Sometimes women read a lot into any possible signal from another man. Just something to think about.” 🙂
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WOW. Since the beginning of our marriage I thought I contributed to 30% of the problems. (Arrogant, I know!) After an argument tonight in which I decided to pray about instead of immediately discuss, I then searched the web for examples of disrespectful actions and words wives say to their husbands. Bam. I found this. It made my role in our often sour relationship so much clearer. Thank you! And God bless!!
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Alissa Thornhill,
You are doing way better than I was for the first 14 years of our marriage. I thought I contributed NOTHING to the problems in our marriage. Whew! So much pride!
I’m glad this was eye-opening. I am excited to see all that God has in store for you and your marriage, my dear sister! 🙂
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April,
Here I am again. As my wife goes through her mystery illness of leg pain and is back to work, I am finishing my Master’s degree in Psychology as I write. I saw your Facebook page for this blog clicked ‘Like’ and assume you keep separate Facebook pages.
As I said before, we get along mostly and yet the conflict of disrespect remains. I assume I am unloving since things go both ways in conflicts and after 6 years of unemployment resulting in welfare, we are no better. Lost our funding, as expected, for our autistic son. As usual, there are no shortage of conflicts here. I just got done with a half-marathon in this city, so I am still fit, thank the Lord.
The conflict: I mentioned to my wife that she likes to volunteer me for various things such as; stacking chairs at church (when they ask for it), making me feel guilty to go to a boring Bible study on Tuesdays with my older troubled son; now she volunteered me for my daughters special needs class-Thanksgiving meal (11:30AM)
You see, my wife thinks she is responsible for my righteousness. After all, what will people think of her if I don’t do some volunteer stuff? They might assume she is married to a grouch. (her words) and after all, I am unemployed because I am a grouch, according to her. The argument I voiced was that I am responsible for me and I am the one to answer for my own schedule and if I choose to do something else, like pick up my special needs daughter from Sunday school class after church, instead of stacking up chairs as requested by the pastor, I will choose what I want to choose. My wife never gets my criticism when she has twenty minute conversations with church friends while we seven all wait in the car for her.
However, I see her fear. She is really concerned about my spiritual habits. I am treated like a kid.
Has this been mentioned before, April? When wives talk to us like we are children; critique us like we need the lesson; treat an “intimate” request like we need to earn it for the correct night? I really see it. Rushing out the door for church and correcting me about some task I felt was needed at that time but she did not.
We are in conflict often over this and my joblessness has her fed up.
I interviewed for a job the other day…one interview…just one…I fear that our relationship is permanently damaged from all this.
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Jeff,
I’m very sorry for your pain, my brother. Yes, I have addressed these issues before. Fear is usually the primary root of control for most women. I have a number of posts about that. Also, bitterness is often involved. I have a number of posts about that. Unhealthy boundaries are also often involved, yesterday’s post was about that again. I have quite a few posts about wives allowing husbands to make their own decisions and wives not trying to be the Holy Spirit for their husbands.
Congratulations on your job interview. I pray for healing for you both individually in Christ and together in your marriage, as well as for your family. The real enemy here is not your wife. I want to see the real enemy defeated in this family!
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Hi Jeff, thanks so much for sharing here. It’s very eye opening for me as a wife. First, I’m so sorry you are suffering in this way. It’s clear that your wife’s disrespect is really hurting you, and even if she doesn’t see it that way, also hurting her.
Second, I have a question for you: what would it look like if you were to insist on or demand your wife’s respect? What would you say? What would you do? What would you not say or do? I’m asking this because in my own case, while I really want to stop disrespecting my husband (I do, to a lesser extreme, some of the things you mentioned your wife doing), there is a lot that I do that is habitual and unconscious–I don’t even realize I’m doing it at the time, plus because it’s a habit even if I do realize it, it feels “right” so it’s very hard to stop. I personally am thinking that I need my husband’s help in this, mainly that I need him to not let me get away with being disrespectful to him. In other words, I think I want him to demand my respect when my own resolve to respect him fails. But I’m not sure what it would be like if he were to start doing that for me. So I’m asking you to fill me in on what sort of things you would do and say if you were going to demand your wife’s respect.
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Fernanda,
You can ask your husband to let you know when you are being disrespectful. Different people have different definitions of “demand.” For some, it is just a firm insistence. For others, it is a forceful, maybe even violent coercion. I want to be careful not to endorse a husband being violent toward his wife or a husband trying to override his wife’s free-will. He can ask for respect. He can tell her when she is hurting him. But he doesn’t get to force her to do things against her will and she doesn’t get to force him to do things against his will. Does that make sense? Love and respect are voluntary gifts and acts of obedience each spouse gives to God first and then to his/her spouse.
But if we are being sinned against, we can certainly confront our spouse respectfully about their sin.
A husband can let his wife know how damaging her disrespect is and he can ask her for respect or say, “Respect is a need for me, just like love is a need for you” – but many times, wives don’t know what respect means. A husband may have to spell it out in great detail what respect means to him. Wives may not be able to read their husbands’ minds. The whole concept of respecting our husbands was thrown out decades ago. Many women have absorbed the worldly idea that a husband’s respect “must be earned,” rather than the unconditional respect that Ephesians 5 commands a wife to give to her husband just as husbands are commanded to love their wives unconditionally.
A book that can be very helpful for both husbands and wives is Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
I also have tons of posts about respect and control and disrespect here. You can search my home page for:
– control
– disrespect
– respect
– biblical submission
– how to make your husband an idol
Keep in mind, your husband is not in charge of your decisions, you are. And if you are in Christ, the Holy Spirit gives you the power to walk in victory over sin. You don’t need a “father figure” to punish you or to demand respect from you. I hope that makes sense. You can take responsibility for your own sin and your own obedience to God. But you may need your husband to point out times you are being disrespectful when you are not aware.
Much love to you! Thanks for reaching out to our brother, Jeff.
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April, I do plan to ask my husband, and in any case have a conversation about this. But I still want to hear Jeff’s perspective. I wasn’t thinking of anything violent when I posted my comment, and I agree with you about free will. But I couldn’t help noticing from Jeff’s comment that he currently *is* doing things against his will based on pressure his wife is putting on him. So it would seem to me that pushing back on his part might be appropriate, and I want to know what that push back would look like to him.
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fernandagpowers,
Yes, so many times, we wives are afraid that if we respect and honor our husbands we “won’t have a voice” but when we are controlling, that is exactly how they feel. Not good. 😦
I have seen men push back in godly ways:
1. One husband I know simply prayed intently because his wife was not responding to his words – and God opened his wife’s eyes in time.
2. Several husbands I know said, “I can’t continue on like this. We can’t continue on like this. Things must change. Here is what I need…” The husbands I know who did this, the wives did respond. It was a very long healing process, but – God has brought great healing to the husbands, wives, and the marriages involved.
3. I am aware of husbands separating from their wives when their wives didn’t respond to their words. Sometimes the wives wake up in such situations. I have seen that happen a number of times. But I really don’t want things to get that bad before they are addressed.
4. Some husbands will say, “Honey, that felt really disrespectful.” And sometimes that is enough to help a wife to see something she may have inadvertently done that was disrespectful. I needed Greg to help me in this way when I began my journey 7 years ago. I had no clue what was disrespectful vs. what was respectful.
Jeff is certainly welcome to share what that would look like for him.
Much love! 🙂
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Thanks for the ideas. Yes, that’s the kind of thing I’m looking for–Godly ways for a disrespected husband to push back 🙂 That actually might be a good subject for a blog post: Ways your disrespected husband may put his foot down and how you can best respond.
Although I know a lot of this in my head I’d like to actually see it spelled out because I know that for me, regardless of how Godly my husband is (and I would rate his Godliness very highly), and how kind he is about it, however he chooses to push back when he is disrespected by me, it’s going to hurt me a heck of a lot (I’m very sensitive). So I would actually find it very encouraging to read about how both the push back and the feelings are very normal and something you go through willingly because you know that what’s on the other side is far better than what you have now. I don’t know for sure, but my hunch is that a very kind husband may be afraid to push back because he knows it will hurt his wife’s feelings, but it may still be the right thing to do for the sake of the greater good. April, I bet when your husband started telling you what kind of things you did were disrespectful, even though you asked him to do this, it didn’t feel so good to be on the receiving end.
BTW, in case it’s not clear, I am both Fernanda and fernandagpowers. The wordpress login is a bit squirly for me, so I end posting as both. Sorry ’bout that.
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fernandagpowers,
Many husbands are afraid to stand up to their wives. Well, “afraid” in the sense that it will just create a massive fight, or that she will get super upset and things will get even worse. My husband did not address my sin. He never said I was disrespectful. He never told me I was controlling. He never confronted my pride. He said I worried a lot. But he didn’t confront all of that awful sin. Actually, I wish he had! It was not a gift to anyone to let me continue on in sin for over 14.5 years like that. God finally opened my eyes Himself when I read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I was absolutely MORTIFIED!
WHY hadn’t Greg said something 14 years earlier!!??! I had no idea I had hurt him. I truly did love him and never intentionally hurt him. 😦 It was heartbreaking to think my husband, whom I loved so much, had been so wounded by me for all those years – and I didn’t even know about it.
Yes, many husbands choose to say nothing, sadly. And then, a lot of husbands DO try to say something and tell their wives they feel disrespected, but their wives can’t hear them. It just doesn’t compute. Respect is not really on our radar as wives, so much, especially these days. I think if they used words like “I don’t feel loved” or “what you are doing hurts me and makes me want to be far away from you” – maybe we could hear that better?
It was a REALLY long time before Greg began to tell me when I was doing something that was disrespectful. A few years, probably – into my journey. It can hurt a bit to hear constructive criticism – but it is SO WORTH IT for both husband and wife to have a voice and to be able to share when they are feeling hurt/unloved/disrespected.
I have a video about how to receive constructive criticism that may be helpful. https://youtu.be/OEAis1auJRo
I also have a lot of Youtube videos about non-verbal disrespect vs. respect that may be helpful – to see and hear my facial expressions when I am acting disrespectful vs. respectful can be a blessing to wives.
And here is a post that also addresses some of these issues – Twenty-Three Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again
“Why Isn’t My Husband Being More Supportive of Me as I Seek to Change?”
“Why Won’t My Husband Lead?” A Husband Answers a Wife’s Question
I’m Trying to Respect and Submit to My Husband and He’s Being More Unloving Than Ever – What Is Going On?
If your husband tends to be rather passive – he may not say anything and he may not push back – even if he really should (passivity is a sin, too – that is something God will work on in him). As you show him that you will believe him and his feelings and opinions are important to you and that you will respond positively when he shares hard things – he may develop more courage to be more open with you.
The more “command men” types tend to be a lot more verbal about that they are feeling disrespected and what they need. That is a blessing – because they are being honest and upfront. But sometimes it is hard for wives to hear these things.
Now, when my husband does share if he feels disrespected – I try to respond with gratitude and an open heart to what he shared. If it is important enough for him to share it – it is a big deal. I take that information to God and pray over it and ask God to help me change if it is something God wants me to change.
Much love!
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I am losing patience and trust that God is working behind the scenes. I have asked for forgiveness, repented, continue to strive to be a godly wife and do what is pleasing to God, yet continue to get pushback, rejection, disdain, blame from my husband.
He is cordial to me and communicates only what is about the kids and household. He stonewalls, ignores, avoids and serious conversation about the state of our marriage. I feel very punished by him. He quit counseling weeks ago because I want reconciliation and he doesn’t. His latest threat of divorce is when my son graduates from highschool in June 2016.. I am sickened with the way he treats me…yet I continue to pray for restoration and hope that God is working behind the scenes on behalf of healing our marriage. How long should I expect my husband to welcome me in again? How long should I continue to keep showing up for the marriage?
I don’t even know what to pray for anymore.
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hopeful,
How is your time with God going, my precious sister?
We’ll talk about the other things in a bit – but if your time with God is not going well or you are not walking in His power – you have no source of energy and the whole thing is impossible.
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I pray daily, read scripture, devotions, journal, attend church and two study groups with women.
I soak up all that I can reading Christian blogs and books.
I am praying for wisdom and hope that God works a miracle. You see…I am praying my will to God which is to restore my marriage.i need him to restore me.
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hopeful,
Let’s move this conversation to this post by a wife whose husband said he wanted a divorce 10 months ago and has been going through something very similar as what you are experiencing. I want to answer you there, and I would like for you to repost your comment from today there, please, because I believe she may also be able to share some very helpful ideas.
And, when we get over to that post, would you please let me know what specifically you have been praying for?
Much love to you!
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Im in awe. Sad, regretful awe….i do/have been doing virtually all of these things to my husband. And now he’s gone. We meet tuesday at the therapists. Please pray for us.
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Jessica,
You are not alone. I have done just about everything on that list too. I had no idea that I was being disrespectful. I DID know that I felt all kinds of darkness in my marriage and especially within my self as a wife, yet I had no idea how to change…until my husband asked for a divorce. He had enough. My world came crashing down that was in July 2014. He still threatens me with divorce. We are still together, but his walls are very thick.
Someone suggested that ro print the list off and show my husband. Maybe this would help you in therapy. Can you let share the list in therapy ?
My own demons and watching a very hateful relationship between my parents defiantly influenced my role as a wife. I didn’t put God and his word in the center of my marriage…until it was too late. Nothing is too late with God.
Sending you big hugs
Hopefulgal
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Hopefulgal,
Thank you so much for reaching out to Jessica! I am praying for you, as well, my dear sister! 🙂
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Jessica,
I felt very much like this when God opened my eyes to all of my disrespect and control in our marriage 7 years ago this month, too. I wanted to go live in a cave for the rest of my life and never talk to another human being again.
But God can heal you. God can heal your husband. He is able to heal your marriage, too.
My greatest prayer is that you will allow Him to radically change You and that you might totally surrender control of everything in your life to Christ as Lord. That is the place to start. He can transform your life for His glory as you trust Him.
Much love!
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Hmmm… this is a pretty long list compared to the one on how women feel disrespected.
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Geneva,
Hey! Thanks for the comment. A lot of things on this list would make women feel disrespected, too. I know that many of these same things would get under my skin. To which other list are you referring? 🙂
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Hello Peacefulwife,
First thanks for the article. I can see it’s an old one, but fits perfectly what men are going through most of the time with their wife (me included).
To be fair, men have also a lot to learn about how to deal with their wife – I think it’s the only way to make marriage the best partnership it should be 🙂
So, coming to that, and because I want to learn a little bit more about the other side of the coin (my side), do you have or know some articles like yours but for men?
Thank you in advance for your answer.
Sunny regards from the Philippines,
Joel
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Joel,
Thank you for sharing your viewpoint. I have a number of friends from the Philippines – it is wonderful to meet you.
I appreciate that you want to be sure there is balance in this discussion and that husbands’ issues are addressed, as well.
Absolutely men have just as much to learn about loving and honoring their wives. I completely agree. I don’t write for men here, so I don’t have posts about that on my blog. But my husband has some posts about it on his blog – http://www.peacefulhusband.com. There is a list of things that feel unloving to wives. Many of these things on the disrespectful list are things wives would not appreciate, either. We all need to be treated with love and respect in our marriages – husbands and wives.
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My marriage started out with my wife constantly disrespecting me in several of the ways described above. That was a surprise to me because before we got married she was not that person. Over time I also started becoming quite disrespectful to her and I think I have totally fallen out of love with her. For me the only thing that has stopped a divorce is the child we have had together.
She doesn’t show the high level of disrespect anymore however try as I may, I cannot help but see her as a fake who tricked me into marriage by pretending she was a good woman that would be a good wife.
Can anything be salvage from this situation?
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Nigel Johnson,
Absolutely this marriage can be salvaged! I see marriages like this being healed every day.
I was not very disrespectful before marriage. I wasn’t as dependent on my husband and I didn’t have nearly as many expectations. But once we were married, we both changed. Marriage can do that. We face new challenges and stresses and we each have so many unwritten expectations going into marriage that can be a catalyst for resentment.
I’m glad that things have improved. Each spouse can only control himself or herself. We can influence our spouse but we can’t force him/her to change. We can be the godly example of Christ to our spouse, though, even when they are not walking in obedience to God. As we make sure to take care of any sin in our own hearts and we are seeking Christ above all else and allowing Him to radically change us and make us more like Himself, He can pour healing, hope and life into the marriage in ways we never could on our own.
Most wives are not purposely disrespectful. Seriously. They often don’t even identify the disrespect in what they are doing. That is for a variety of reasons. But perhaps this post may be helpful? Wives and husbands can learn to treat each other with God’s love, with dignity, honor, and respect – but sometimes we need godly mentors. Sometimes we need godly resources like books/blogs. Sometimes we need a lot of grace as we stumble and try to learn. This is a long journey, learning to be a godly spouse. It is not something we will master in a week or a month or a year. God uses marriage to expose our sinfulness and to bring the sin to the surface so that He can refine us and mature each of us.
I believe you may find healing and hope here.
In Him,
April
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Here is a recent Husband/wife conversation script that actually happened;
Wife: “why do you keep moving the love-seat to the wall? I want it in front of the fireplace.”
Husband: “I want it to the side to allow more heat towards the room and not just heating up the leather love-seat!”
Wife: (who was never good at science) “there is not much difference in temperature of the room. Please leave it in front of the fireplace.”
husband: “no…”
wife: “just do as I ask, ok?”
husband: “no.” (wondering why he’s being ordered around, eventually will move it back to the wall)
wife: (storms around the picking things up in a busy-body way) “why can’t I just have MY house in the order I want it? If YOU were working I could quit and clean up better!”
husband: “I’m open for suggestions. I sent my resume to 5 more businesses including county jobs. It’s been years now, if you got answers lets hear it!”
wife:”you’re doing it (job search) all wrong”
husband: “really? Then you send in the resume’s and wait for the silence. Call them up and get some hurried HR person who says “we’ll call you if you’re chosen.””
wife: (makes frustrated face and continues to look at Facebook app on her android phone while ignoring me)
husband: (continues working silently on Master’s degree research paper while at the table)
-both husband and wife realize the ‘job situation’ has been frustrating and out of both of their control. wife will then email her husband a dozen jobs that all require the Master’s degree that he has not earned as of yet and will hound him the next day as fuel for the fire of telling him that he’s not doing enough to find a job.
————————————–
This is not about finding respect violations. Its about fear and control of the unknown. Both husband and wife have their own struggles and verbalize those struggles in different ways. In the end the relationship suffers in all areas including intimate ones. Although there is no pending divorce, the enemy reaps a bountiful harvest of lost alone time, kids time and relaxation from the horrors of unemployment and financial burdens.
Remember, the couch is not the issue either. The job situation is not the problem either even though it is a stress. The marriage relationship should be a safe place where both can run to when burdened in life.
It should NOT be a place of mutual fear and unmet needs.
As a couple, we move along.
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Jeff,
I pray for God to heal you both, my brother. And for His wisdom for y’all.
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My in laws live in our home and was wondering if complaining about their behavior is disrespectful?
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kmack21,
Most men do not appreciate anyone criticizing their family – that includes their parents, siblings, children, and their wife. They tend to want to defend a family member who is being criticized from the one who is doing the criticizing. That puts your husband in the position of defending his parents against you. It can easily create division in your marriage, which is obviously not a good thing.
If there is truly a significant problem that needs to be addressed, it is possible to share that in a respectful way that is not critical or condemning. If there is a particular issue you would like to respectfully talk about with your husband concerning his parents, we could talk about some approaches, if you would like. 🙂
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God has put upon my heart to submitt to my husband.Ive been reading soo much and I also have noticed a huge change in my husband since I’ve change. Is there place to talk to other women about their feelings and where u draw the line when it comes to giving up all control when u r so used to wearing the pants I the family. Did you lose alot of your friends cause they thought u were nuts?
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Stacey,
I”m glad you are noticing changes – I assume they are good? 🙂
What is your definition of “submission” at this point, if I might ask? It is such a difficult concept!
I don’t advocate being a doormat, being passive, or giving up “all control.” What I do advocate is that you have your walk with Christ as strong as possible and be filled to overflowing with all of the spiritual treasures Jesus has provided for you, allowing Him to transform you to be the woman He desires you to be simply to please Him. I advocate that wives respect God above all else and that they respect themselves and their husbands. And I do advocate a wife using her influence authority wisely.
I advocate giving up sinful control and dying to our old sinful, hurtful, destructive selves and living in the power of the Spirit of God as our new selves in Christ. I advocate a wife treating her husband with honor and respect and cooperating intelligently with his leadership. I don’t advocate a wife treating a husband or any human as if he is an “absolute authority,” only God is an absolute authority.
Not a lot of women are supportive, even in the church, as a wife seeks to unlearn worldly ways and give up sinful control and as she seeks to respect and honor her husband in order to obey God’s Word. I actually kind of backed away from all of the adults in my life for a few years so I could focus on studying, praying, and asking God to change me. I didn’t talk with a lot of people about what I was learning – but there were certainly some who thought I was crazy. There have been others who have been very supportive. Thankfully, both of our extended families have been supportive.
Some posts that may be helpful, you may want to search my home page for:
– lead/leader
– control
– respect
– biblical submission
– choosing girlfriends
You are welcome to share here. Most everyone who regularly reads here is on this same journey with you.
Much love to you!
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I read everthing. I do admit i do some of them to him. I know i do very wrong that everytime i do ask for forgiveness to God for doing or saying things. My husband doesn’t go to church we have three kids a 19yr. second is 10yr. thrid one is 6yr. He believes GOD IS EVERYWHERE THAT is not necessary to go to church. I lOVE being a Christian And is in love with Christ. My husband is good man his work all his life we’ve been togethere for almost 20yrs i don’t like he cusses and as a husbamd demands me to have sex him. I find myself not appreciated it or value as a stay home mom and wife one more thing he doesn’t keep his PROMISES to ME and the kids.THAT HURTS ME. I do sell things to have my own money since he never to give me. Since in this artilcle we shuold but are own financial to our family that money i usually spend on my kids. Every time i ask him or tell him the kids need clothes or shoes his answer i don’t have money but if his family members would need to borrow MONEY he stretch his hand out for them. Does he do wrong? FOR A LONG TERM OF TIME I DID ALMOST EVRTHING THIS ARTCLE SAY ALL TO RESPECT MY HUSBAND BUT ALL I FOUND MYSELF WAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OFF NOT BE CHERISH AND BE STEP ALL OVER. Gods love is compassion caring kindness Not envy gentlenes. US CHRISTIAN WOMEN WHERE DO WE STAND AS WIFES OF GOD?
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jessica,
Are you able to share when you feel hurt about him not keeping his promises? Has he said why he doesn’t give you money?
We can respect our husbands, God, and ourselves. Sometimes wives think we have to disrespect ourselves to respect our husbands. But that is not true, thankfully!
How are you doing spiritually with Christ?
What do you want in your walk with God?
What do you want in your marriage, my dear sister?
Much love to you! I’d be glad to talk with you a bit if you would like. 🙂
Respecting Myself
My Security and Identity Are in Christ Alone
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Good grief I am utterly flabbergasted reading this utterly misogynistic right wing nonsense? A woman should submit to her husband because all she needs is love and him respect? Because the bible says so?!! Seriously – do you feel safe not challenging religious indoctrination written by men, to keep men powerful and women subordinate? Is it really too much to think for yourself? Get a real education? Its very worrying how many women are brought up not to challenge this nonsense. You are the antethesis of respect and empowerment for women. I haven’t checked but would bet my life on the fact that this is some American indoctrination?!!!
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KMR,
Thank you for sharing your concerns. It is a pleasure to meet you. 🙂
If God did not exist and the Bible were just a collection of human writings, I would agree with your conclusion that women should not just blindly follow ideas based on human wisdom. And yes, it could be dangerous to blindly submit to any human in a position of authority.
But I believe that God is very much alive and that He inspired every word of the Bible. This is really about me trusting and submitting fully to Him, it is not about absolute submission to my husband. God doesn’t require absolute submission of anyone to a human authority.
I tried marriage apart from God’s wisdom for over 14 years. I almost destroyed our marriage. I didn’t understand God’s design for masculinity and femininity. I bought the world’s feministic idea that men and women are not only equal (which the Bible affirms that we are equal in worth and value) but that we should be the same. I took over our marriage and tried to control my husband. He shut down. You can read my story on my About page. I had no idea why he wasn’t being very loving with me. I had no ability to see that I was being condescending, bossy, contentious, self-righteous, prideful, controlling, bitter, negative, and that I treated my husband as if I was so much better than he was. 😦 When God opened my eyes to this 7 years ago, I was mortified. I began to beg God to change me and to show me how to be the wife He wanted me to be.
I’m so thankful that God was willing to show me the ways I hurt my husband – even though Greg NEVER said a word about how much I had hurt him and that my attitude and sharp words were the reason he had shut down. He knew he was not safe emotionally or spiritually with me. He became a shell of the man he had been. But then God began to radically change me. And, in time, He began to heal my husband and our marriage to become better than I could have ever imagined. But it was not because I was trying to dictate things to Greg. It was because I learned to understand his masculine needs that were different from my feminine needs and it was because I decided to trash all of my old ways of thinking and rebuild on the Bible and God’s design for marriage and femininity and masculinity.
I actually do have a “real education.” I made all A’s in school and went to pharmacy school on a full scholarship. I still work part time as a pharmacist.
God’s ways don’t make sense to the world. Nothing that He asks us to do when we follow Christ follows with the world’s wisdom or human wisdom. The world says to look out for number 1. God says that He hates pride and loves humility. The world says to aim for position and power. God says to die to yourself and to submit fully to Christ as Lord. The world says to hang on to grudges and unforgiveness, that people don’t deserve to be forgiven. God says there is freedom in forgiveness. God’s design for masculinity, femininity, and marriage doesn’t make sense from a human perspective and with our wisdom. But His wisdom is much higher than our own and leads to blessings we cannot begin to imagine in this life and in heaven.
Women do not have to disrespect themselves in order to respect their husbands, thankfully. The goal is to reverence Christ first, and then to respect ourselves, our husbands, and others. The way I treat others reveals my character and whether God’s Spirit is in control or my sinful nature is in control. Women think we will “lose power” if we do things God’s way. I do admit that when we yield to Christ as Lord and die to self, we do lose ourselves. We lose our old sinful self – it has to die. But then God gives us a new self in Christ. We lose the sinful power we had to tear down and destroy our husbands. But we gain the power of heaven to pour God’s healing into our lives and our husbands’ lives.
My goal is to exalt Christ and His Word, the Bible.
You are welcome to read some more and stick around. Ask any questions you would like if you are interested in hearing more.
Much love to you!
Godly Femininity
What Biblical Headship and Submission Look Like at Our House
Do I Condone Abuse?
The Surprising Root of All Marriage Problems
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Thankfully, in God’s design, everyone wins. Husbands feel honored, respected, and loved. Wives feel cherished, protected, adored, honored, and well-treated. Children thrive and learn how to have healthy marriages themselves. They understand what masculinity and femininity are supposed to look like. God is honored. The Gospel is proclaimed and exalted. Societies are strengthened at their core as families and marriages thrive.
God’s ways don’t make sense to us. They are counter-intuitive, counter-cultural, and not politically correct. But His ways work when we walk in faith and trust, giving ourselves wholly to Him and allowing His Spirit to fill us with the power to do His will. There is no better place to be in the world than in the center of God’s good, perfect, and pleasing will.
Some great quotes I found this past week:
** “If my sinfulness appears to me to be in any way smaller or less detestable in comparison with the sins of others, I am still not recognizing my sinfulness at all. … How can I possibly serve another person in unfeigned humility if I seriously regard his sinfulness as worse than my own?”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community
** A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.
– Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Love and Respect ministries
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April you are doing the Lord’s will and you make it clear many times the audience in which the information you share applies. May God continue to bless you and your family I am going to buy your book, and I share your videos and posts with many sisters in Christ and those who do not walk in faith, as well, hoping it will bless them as much as you have blessed me.
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Thank you for the encouragement, lghardy. 🙂
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Wow, I’m a new Lamb, and a hungry one at that, I was just typing in the word disrespected and found YOU & God at this moment I’m sitting in my church parking lot getting ready to go to church and GOD was listening & Providing his answer for me. Thank you .
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Finding this website has saved my soul in many ways. It has encouraged me not to give up on my marriage..and has opened my eyes to how disrespectful I have been to my husband. I had no idea what I was doing.
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Hope Always,
How I praise God for what He is doing in your heart, my sister. Thank you so much for sharing with Ja’net A Raines!
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Ja’net A Raines,
Woohoo! A new sister in Christ! Welcome to the family, my precious sister. 🙂 I believe there is a lot here that may be a blessing to you, your walk with Christ, and your marriage. I can’t wait to see all that God is about to do in your heart.
Much love to you!
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Yes, according to what is taught in the Bible, women are to teach younger women, but common sense tells us, that wise men ought to also teach men. So why do women writers go off the rail, writing to women about wifely submission? Why are we so obsessed with submission? Are we as women not as concerned for each other for the suffering we experience in marriage. Marriage is not favorable for wives you know.
So are women trying to impress men? Are we trying to get men to like us more? Are we trying to hurt women? I think I see where we cower women down a bit with all the hurtful accusations.
I guess men are not that into wives or marriage, or maybe it’s just because they respect other men and do not think they need to go overboard with articles and books about what a husband does wrong. Good job husbands. Keep loving and respecting your gender, men, maybe after a while women will get it and begin respecting each other and write lists to tell what hurts us. Ladies, it really is not a sin for us to tell what hurts us.
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PK,
I am so sorry that you have maybe been taught that submission is about being a doormat or slave or not having a voice – is what it kind of sounds like. 😦 That breaks my heart.
Of course women can say if they feel hurt! We can respect God, ourselves, and our men all at the same time, thankfully!
For men or women, if we are controlling or passive – that is a problem.
You are welcome to search my blog for more posts on these things.
– doormat
– submission is not passivity
– the pendulum effect
– confronting our husbands
– healthy relationships
And I have written a very long list of things husbands do that hurt their wives on my husband’s blog. Not to worry! http://Www.peacefulhusband.com
Thanks for sharing you concerns. I believe if you read a bit more you will find that I don’t oppress women – neither does Scripture. Instead, there are tools here for us to meet our husbands’ needs and effectively communicate our own needs. It is a win/win. 🙂
Much love!
April
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I just found your blog and am excited to get some guidance and encouragement in submitting to my husband. I have only been married 3 months, but it’s been tough.
2 years ago, I left my career of 10 years to help my then-boyfriend run his/our home-based construction company. We work together all day and it usually goes well. We are a Christ-centered home and are blessed to be able to have Bible study together most mornings (though not lately). We both agree on leadership in the home, but we were older when we got together, so were both very independent, having lived on our own for decades.
However, since we’ve gotten married, we do a few hours of work together in the field and then he goes to his studio in the back yard to make music (his passion) and is there until the middle of the night. I am left in the house to run the company. I don’t know how to submit to his authority if he is leaving me to be the authority. He is not around to lead.
He says to make a list and he’ll take care of things the next day, but we get up, go in the field (usually only a few hours- we are blessed with not having to work full days), then when we return home, he leaves again. I’ve sent him the same list for 2 weeks. If things don’t get done, it will affect the company, so I end up making the decisions or doing the tasks.
We have talked about these things. He says he’ll do things with the company. But he’s not very diligent (he says it- this is not me judging him). So I become a nag having to remind him of the same things over and over. Or I just do it myself.
The other night, I was bogged down and at midnight, when he came in from the studio, I was crying, so told him how I feel. He was tired and it was not a great time, but I was so overwhelmed, I let it out. I told him I don’t want to be the boss of the company and that I’m lonely when we don’t spend time together outside of work. Instead of being supportive, he got upset and distant. I take responsibility for the timing being wrong for confronting him with all this.
All of this to say- I love that he has a passion for music, but I want him to lead our house, not me. He agrees, but leaves the running of things (the company kind of is our life- and livelihood) to me. I want to be supportive, but am bogged down in stress. I want to be submissive, but am left in charge, so how do I lead and follow at the same time?
I know I can’t control and change my husband. I am asking what I can do about me. I’m floundering.
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ChristianNewlyWed,
Getting married is a BIG adjustment, even if you were younger, it would be. But it can be an even bigger adjustment when both people are used to being single for many years. And then, if you add having a joint business together on top of that – it can be quite an additional stressor.
What were the business dynamics like before you got married? Has this changed?
Is he able to be responsible with these kinds of things? Did he used to take care of these issues at some point? Does he have any mental health issues (ADD, mania) or difficulty with administrative skills?
You have a few options, it seems to me.
First – prayer. How is your time with God going, my precious sister? Where are you spiritually at this point?
Then:
– You could choose to leave it for him like he said he wanted you to and let him fail.
– You could pray and respectfully let him know that if things don’t change, you won’t be able to be in business together with him and that you are putting in your notice and will begin to look for a different job.
But first, let’s talk about expectations. What is your definition of him leading you? What are your expectations of what he should be doing with the business? Has he talked about his expectations of himself and of you?
Much love to you!
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Our business dynamics were the same before we got married. The company has totally restructured since I started working with it. My husband wouldn’t’ be able to just step in- I’d have to train him like it was all new. Over time, I’ve taken over more and more and he’s backed off more and more. I think his expectations and mine for how working for the company would work were different. But I’m the type of person that gets things done that need to be done, so I took it on without thinking about long term effects. When I complain about the stress of running things, he says he can just higher someone else to do the job (aka- he’s not going to do it). Since this is our only source of income, I don’t want to add to payroll, so I keep doing the work.
I do want to say that this might make him seem completely insensitive and that is not the case. He is a big picture guy, not a minutia guy. He knows when there are problems, when there are things going on with employees, things like that. The daily phone calls, bills, etc he doesn’t keep up with. Hence when I give him a short list of things to do, he keeps putting them off. This is why he would just higher someone else instead of doing it himself.
My problem with leaving things for him and potentially letting him fail means that other things will fall out of place. It’d be like a domino effect. So it makes it harder for me in the long run. I’ve tried doing that, but just end up doing his tasks because I see what it’ll do for my list of things to do. Sometimes I feel like he married me as a matter of convenience since I am like and administrative assistant for his life. If I worked for another company outside of the home, I don’t think we’d be together. And the whole point of me quitting my other job and working with him is that we would both be professionally working toward the same goal and spending time in our home instead of elsewhere. Now it seems like it’s just me working.
When I confronted him the other night (bad timing taken into account), I mentioned that we don’t do things together outside of work. He says that he used to sacrifice his time doing what he wants to take me to dinner, traveling, shopping, etc. Like I am a chore that he has to do and take time out of things he wants to do to complete the chore. Just that. Not I enjoyed it, I like spending time with you, nothing. Just sacrifice. And he doesn’t anymore. How could things change so much in such a short period of time?
Expectations. I expect us to have common goals for our marriage. Right now, he has his and I have mine. He wants to do music and the construction company is just a means to an end. I want a relationship with him and to do some sort of ministry (we discussed this throughout our engagement and I thought that was where our life was going) and the construction company is a necessary evil to give us money. Now, it feels like we are just roommates and coworkers. I don’t even feel like there’s anything for him to lead since we don’t have anything together. Besides work, which is why it’s dominated the conversation. Him being a leader in the family- I don’t know what that would look like if we aren’t behaving like a family. I’m sure he feels that I’m disrespecting him, but how am I to know when we only see each other right before bed and when we are on a job site? He’ll say he wants something and I’ll start doing that and then he gets upset and wants it another way a few days later. I’m trying to follow him, but he’s wishy washy, sometimes cares and sometimes doesn’t, changes his mind frequently, etc.
I did pray this morning and afterwards went to him and apologized for the other night and asked for forgiveness- for knowing he was tired and I was emotional and it was not the best time to bring things up. He said he was thinking about it a lot. But that’s all that was said- no discussion. He’s not a talker. So I don’t know if things are better or not. I asked if he forgives me and he said yes. When I try to discuss my emotions, he says feelings aren’t facts, I am responsible for my emotions not him, and to pray more. I know that to be true, but I also want to work through my emotions with him and he says that as a way to not discuss them. Instead of helping me through them, he takes it as an attack and gets defensive.
Spiritually speaking, my relationship with God waxes and wanes. When I get stressed and emotional, I tend to wallow instead of seeking God in prayer. I was not raised Christian and I was raised in a home with a lot of strife, so it was never modeled for me to pray. Instead, I wallow. I know this is wrong, but it’s a hard habit to break. Hence me seeking things like this blog to retrain myself.
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ChristianNewlyWed,
Let’s step back for just a moment and look at the big picture together, my precious sister.
What are your greatest priorities? What is your order of priorities? With the issues of the business, your husband, the marriage, and God… take a few moments to pray and ask God to help you see where have your priorities been? And what do you want your priorities to be.
When you know which things are your greatest priorities, we will be ready to move on to a next step.
These are tough issues. They are important issues. I’m so glad you are seeking God’s wisdom and reaching out for help. 🙂
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ChristianNewlyWed,
When you are ready – no rush – I have a bit of feedback to share, if you are interested.
Much love!
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ChristianNewlyWed,
And I want to encourage you that God always makes a way for us to walk in obedience to Him. We may not be able to see it at first, but He will never put us in a situation where we can’t honor and obey Him as we seek Him with all our hearts. I know He is going to make things clear as you continue to desire to please Him. 🙂
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