When My Spouse is Wrong

This is a guest post by a VERY special guest contributor – my brother!!! Nathan Trevett is such a godly man, husband and father.  I appreciate his sound biblical theology and Christ-centered approach.  He lives out being a Christlike husband and father. He doesn’t choose the passive route, or the tyrant route. He is very plugged in and involved. 

There is one major point that can lead this question down one of two paths. Has the spouse been redeemed by the atoning work of Christ on the cross? This point needs to be extremely explicit. This does not mean church attendance or a life devoted to religious church culture. It does not mean trying to do the right thing. It means understanding how big God is and how fallen we are and that only by Christ being crushed on the cross can He redeem our life. 2 Peter 1 gives a great list of fruit of the spirit then in verses 8-9 it shows that if you are not increasing in the spirit then you either do not have the spirit in you or you have become so nearsighted that you have forgotten that you have been forgiven.

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of of our lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is near-sighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. II Peter 1:3-9

We can not expect non-believers to follow God’s word…it is foolishness to them. If a couple is unequally yoked, they are in for hard times. The burden is completely on the believer to live a life of love in patience regardless of the spouses actions. 1 Cor 7:13-16 is where Paul gives instructions for Christians with unbelieving spouses.

And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? I Corinthians 7:13-16

1 Cor 5:9-13 tells us not to judge unbelievers but that we do have a role to play in holding believers accountable. Now, the primary role of the spouse is to be love to them, to extend limitless grace and to endure all things. But, when a believing spouse is constantly going against a principle of God’s word it can fall to their spouse to point it out clearly and concisely in love. This cannot look like nagging and cannot be in response to an offense. This should probably be coordinated with a date and lovingly present the pattern that is in offense to God’s word. Once it has been brought up, that needs to be the last time it’s said. Both spouses need to be surrounding themselves with mentors and same sex accountability where these things are discussed.
Other than that, it is the responsibility of the husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Just like Christ’s love is unwavering in our unfaithfulness, we are called to the same love. I would not advise confrontation on any of the issues you mentioned (specific disrespect of a wife or refusal to cooperate with her husband’s leadership) until they become more than isolated events. As we are all married to sinners, the burden is on us to overlook individual offenses and constantly extend overwhelming grace.
RELATED:
resource for emotionally abusive relationships http://www.leslievernick.com
Posts about conflict

102 Comments on “When My Spouse is Wrong”

  1. happywife
    March 18, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

    I have a wonderful husband. he is so good to me and loves me, but everytime i snoop through his phone i find something i dont like. today it was looking up an old girlfriend on facebook. ive seen him look her up before, why is he still looking her up?! also i have access to what he looks at online, and have caught him looking up inapropriate things before a long time ago and he’s stoped, but today along with the old girlfriends name, i saw him look up “naked girls” on facebook.this is not a problem he has, but he does do it everyonce in a while when i look.

    question 1) is it a sin to snoop? Should i be snooping?

    2) should i confront him or just pray about it and trust God to change him?

    all comments are appreciated. thank you
    god bless

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 18, 2014 at 1:11 pm #

      happywife,

      It’s great to meet you!

      Does he have a relationship with Christ?

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you!

      Like

      • redheadedlady
        May 19, 2014 at 4:40 pm #

        peacefulwife, My husband has decided to move to another state. I have asked him to please wait to give us time to sell the house and to give me time to find another job and for us to find another home but he won’t. He receives social security for his disability. I don’t know what to do, he told me this a week ago and he left on Friday for Texas. I am so distraught. Please help me to know what to do.

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          May 20, 2014 at 10:49 pm #

          Redheadedlady,

          Hmmm… That would be disconcerting!

          What is your relationship with Christ?
          What has the marriage been like lately?
          Has he done this before?
          Are you dealing with any mental health issues or addictions in the marriage?
          How have you responded so far?

          Does your husband feel generally respected by you? I have some posts that may be helpful at the top of my home page.

          Praying for wisdom for you both!

          Is he already gone?

          What does he say he wants you to do?

          Like

          • redheadedlady
            May 21, 2014 at 12:38 am #

            I am just now learning about my relationship with Christ. Our marriage started out quite well and we were very happy. My first husband died about ten years ago and we still had 4 children at home so my new husband moved into our home and received step-children.

            The marriage has been rather rough lately and he has not done this before. He became disabled and I was supporting the family while we were waiting for his social security to start, as soon as he started getting his social security he started making plans to move out without telling me.

            He had a stroke a couple of years ago and is under the care of a doctor for depression.

            I’ve told him that I love him and want to be with him. One of my sons is getting ready to graduate high school and I had/ have asked my husband to please come back here to give us time to sell the house and make plans to move. He left this past Friday and said he will be coming back in June to get the rest of his belongings. He is refusing to come back here to stay.

            He does not feel respected by me. I did not understand what he meant until I found this website and started reading. He knows that I am reading items from the website and I have thoroughly apologized to him for my disrespectful behavior.

            He would like for me to move to Texas but only if I can truly be the woman that he wants in his life. He wants me to remember that he is the leader of our family and that he will have final say.

            Like

      • haywood beale
        August 21, 2015 at 1:09 pm #

        I HAVE A QUESTION, I SNOOPED THROUGH MY WIFE PHONE AND FOUND OUT SHE WAS TALKING/TEXTING ANOTHER GUY, BROKE MY HEART. SEPARATED IN THE YE 2014 AND STILL SEPARATED, DURING THE SEPARATION WE BOTH COMMITTED ADULTERY AND TILL SHE’S STILL COMMUNICATION WITH OTHER GUYS ON THE PHONE ETC. MY QUESTION IS SHOULD I JUST GIVE UP. LOVE HER SO MUCH

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          August 21, 2015 at 2:13 pm #

          Haywood Beale,

          How this whole story just breaks my heart! I’m so very sorry for the pain you have both been through. 😦

          In Christ, there are many reasons to be hopeful. I have seen God “wake up” one spouse and work with them to change them radically to become more the man/woman He calls them to be – and then, sometimes, He will begin to heal the other spouse, and eventually the marriage.

          How is your walk with Christ going? That is the key! He can give you wisdom and power to know how to approach your wife. And He can do miracles in relationships that no human could ever bring about. 🙂 But, when we come to Him – it must be just to know and love Him and to ask Him to change us. We are not guaranteed He will change our spouse, too. But if He is going to change our spouse, it will most likely happen after we allow Him to change us first.

          Like

    • Wifelearningtocope
      March 19, 2014 at 6:19 pm #

      Hi happywife, I had a similar issue too where I snoop into everything until now he has everything password locked. It has to do with my insecurities and I don’t think I should snoop because now that he found out, he does not rust me anymore and that makes me feel worse than when I see him talking to girls via text or facebook. He has changed a lot over the past weeks in positive ways as I have tried to focus on God, my Savior and myself and not him. I will continue to pray about my sins like jealousy, anger, bitterness and learn to forgive as none of us are perfect.

      Like

    • Jeff
      May 2, 2014 at 8:32 pm #

      my phone is open to my wife anytime. My computer too. (which sits by the kitchen anyway) Although I am an amateur computer engineer, I can clear my tracks, its burdensome to do so. Therefore, it can keep me on my toes about some accountability and fear of being caught. I fully recommend this practice to all married men.

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        May 2, 2014 at 10:57 pm #

        Jeff,
        Great idea! Thank you for sharing!

        Like

      • Thandi
        October 31, 2014 at 4:44 am #

        Good idea Jeff, my husband and I are open to each other with anything, our phones always open anytime too and even sometimes help with checking messages and replying to our friends when one is busy, driving for instance, my husband doesn’t mind me reading his massages and asking me to reply to them and same with me. We understand we are one flesh. Believe me, that is just so sweet,no room for cheating in that way and we keep loving each other daily.

        Thandi

        Like

    • Natasha
      June 10, 2014 at 1:22 pm #

      Suggestions on what to do. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We are both Christians, attend church, pray together. Or we did. He deployed and is now someone I do not know. Worshiping himself, not praying as much, and enjoying the attention from the females around him.. He said he has given up on “us”. Then said he would come home and assess our marriage, but for me to be prepared for him to be cold towards me and not want me to touch him. That does not sound like he is going to fight to fall back in love with me. We have two children, and we just built a new house about 2 years ago. Now he is focused on every thing I have done wrong, and everything that I do not do for him. I know he is interested in a few ladies over there.. he told me so. Any advice? Im praying my heart out. We have about 3 LONG months left til he comes home.

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        June 10, 2014 at 1:29 pm #

        Natasha,
        I’m so very sorry for your pain! It sounds like you do not know the extent of his involvement with other women. 😦

        Has he ever done this before? What is it that he says he needs?

        How I pray that God will draw each of you to Himself and that He might repair your marriage for His glory.

        What is your relationship with Christ?

        Sending you the biggest hug!

        Like

        • Natasha
          June 10, 2014 at 3:28 pm #

          I do not “think” he has physically cheated but what do I really know? He has not done this before. His needs are certain sexual things that were never an issue until now. That makes me wonder if someone has offered to do these things or if they have engaged. Had I been made aware that these were super important I would have put my insecurities aside and done it, however he never stressed it. In fact it has been years since he even mentioned one thing.
          I attend church regularly, I pray all the time, and right now I am reading The Power of the Praying Wife by Stormie O’Martian. I did send him the book for the husbands and I pray that he will read it. In another blog you commented that silence is good -instead of pushing the issues, since men need time to think. He asked me last week to just let him go- then later said he would assess our marriage. He sounds confused. In my case with him being in another country is silence a good idea? If I try to do as God says and be silent will that be harmful to my marriage since he already asked me to let go of him?
          I know all things are possible through Christ. I just want my husband back.. the one who wanted to feed the hungry in the country where he is, the one who wanted to work in the orphanage, the one who loved all of me- faults and all. I love him even though he is putting me through all this. I just want my family to be whole again, and I want him to love me again.

          Like

          • peacefulwife
            June 10, 2014 at 3:39 pm #

            Natasha,

            It sounds like he is far from God right now – and that he is facing temptation and attacks from the enemy. Praying for God to speak to him. You can certainly share concerns, as you listen carefully and are sensitive to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it will be necessary to be silent and wait on God. Sometimes it will be important to speak up respectfully about concerns.

            I definitely pray for God’s wisdom for you and the resources you need and for Him to intervene in your husband’s heart and life.

            Like

            • Natasha
              June 10, 2014 at 3:43 pm #

              thank you 🙂

              Like

            • peacefulwife
              June 10, 2014 at 6:51 pm #

              Natasha,

              I would suggest following Matthew 7:1-5 first, and then Matthew 18, if he will not repent then you may need to involve a godly, trusted pastor, preferably a man your husband respects greatly as well.

              Like

              • natasha
                August 30, 2014 at 4:58 pm #

                UPDATE: My husband came home.. and he confessed his sins to me. He had cheated. .in fact he thought he was “in love” with her. After much talking, crying, yelling.. etc… things are much better. He says that he knows that what WE have is real love, that he is very very sorry, that he loves me so much and has thanked me 3xs for not leaving him and loving him even though he put me through all this.. I know we still have rough road.. trust is going to be hard for me, especially with him starting to travel again next month. However he is off this month, and we are working on us. .. creating new love where old love was lost, and attending church. . I will continue to pray for us, and for him alone.

                Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  August 31, 2014 at 7:07 am #

                  Natasha,

                  I am so SORRY for this big painful mess you are having to go through! But I am also REALLY, REALLY glad that y’all are talking through this and that you want to work on the marriage. I am praying for you both – and for God’s glory in your marriage!!!!!!! Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!

                  If you need godly counseling or mentoring, please seek it out as you attempt to navigate this road. But I have seen God heal MANY, MANY broken marriages, even after adultery. I have seen God make them stronger than ever and use them to minister to many others. That is my prayer for you! I know it will be baby steps and a long healing process. But I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you!

                  Like

    • Mazz
      November 12, 2014 at 5:13 am #

      Thank you so much for these Godly, timely, humble words.
      I thank God that I have read them tonight and have been reminded if some awesome truths that are freely available to us, but we forget all too easily!!! Thank you for the gentle reminder….May Father Gid continue to bless you I. Your family and with your wisdom! Amen!

      Like

    • jeff
      January 9, 2015 at 2:28 am #

      a husband should be an open book. If he is acting inappropriate, he needs to answer to that and a wife has a right to know. If a husband is too private; why?
      My wife has access to my phone any time. AND my computer!

      Like

    • Hope
      March 25, 2015 at 2:42 pm #

      happywife,

      I went through something similar to this, but a bit worse. I think you should talk to him. A husband and wife should have an open relationship where everything can be shared. God made us to share out lives together after all. Talk to him. Your husband is sinning. He is being lured in by things that God would not approve of, but he can be forgiven. I had my husband complete the love dare because of the extent of his problem, so he could understand love and marriage through Gods eyes.

      Like

  2. julie
    April 13, 2014 at 8:26 pm #

    what should I do when my husband watches PG-13 movies with my preteen (ages 8 and 10) boys? “I didn’t think it was that bad? You let them watch the Bible. That is more violent.” We both are Christians, he does devotions sometimes with our boys and never with me. We regularly go to church, I spend time in daily personal devotions each day. He will not read the Bible on his own or go to church if I am sick. He is not the spiritual leader. What do I do when I am trying to be respectful but he is doing things that could potentially damage our sons. I spoke up and he yelled at me about it. “OK! We won’t watch this!” I am dying inside since I started watching your videos and began trying to smile and be peaceful. I feel like I don’t matter now at all.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      April 13, 2014 at 10:30 pm #

      Julie,

      You can share your heart in private. “I am concerned about the sex scenes/violence in this movie. But I trust you to do what is ultimately best for our boys.”

      How is your walk with Christ? That is where your power, joy, peace and strength have to come from.

      Your husband will grow spiritually when he begins to see real respect, honor, faith and trust from you. And when you honor his leadership, even when you don’t agree. If he is asking you to blatantly sin, you may have to refuse respectfully to submit.

      The movie thing is a small issue. Ideally, your boys wouldn’t see those movies. But what will hurt them more than seeing a few PG 13 movies is seeing parents who cannot get sling and work together and seeing a mom look down on and condemn their dad and disrespect him and take over the family.

      You can search “movie” on my home page for a post on this exact topic.

      And check out “when I shut up, my husband heard God” by a wife who finally just waited on God and obeyed God as a wife and then Her husband began to seek Him on his own.

      My husband doesn’t do devotions with our children or pray with me. I didn’t see him read his Bible ever before I began this journey. Your husband IS the spiritual leader because God says he is. I Corinthians 11:3. You cannot change God’s authority structure. You can try to usurp his authority and you will answer to God for that. The question is not – is he the spiritual leader? He is. The question is, are you willing to follow him and trust God to be able to lead you through this imperfect man? Are you willing to step down and let him lead. He is trying to. Are you willing to give him grace and let him be wrong or different from you sometimes? He will begin to lead more only when you step down, stop condemning and criticizing and begin to affirm, build up, bless and encourage him. My prayer is that you will ask God to change you and to empower you to inspire your husband.

      I hope you will check out the posts at the top of my home page. They are a great place to start.

      You will find much encouragement here. I believe you are in the right place.

      Let me know how you are doing!

      Praying for you tonight and sending you a huge hug!!!!

      April

      Like

    • peacefulwife
      April 13, 2014 at 10:32 pm #

      Julie,
      You have SO much power in Christ here to breathe life and healing into your marriage! Yo matter very much. You set the emotional and spiritual temperature for your whole family.

      Oh! Check out “respecting our husbands as fathers” too.

      Much love!
      April

      Like

    • peacefulwife
      April 13, 2014 at 11:22 pm #

      Julie,
      If you are interested, please search my home page for “ways Husbands lead that wives don’t always notice” and “my husband is not being a good spiritual leader” I think they will bless you. 🙂

      PS
      My husband believed me all those years ago when I was do critical of his walk with Christ. He fell further away from God the more I pushed and criticized him. 😦 but as I gave him real respect and stepped down, he slowly began to take over and began to stand taller and began to hear God again!!!

      You also may be interested to search “interview” and read my post and Nikka’a 3 posts where we interview our husbands.

      I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you! 🙂

      Like

  3. julie
    April 14, 2014 at 6:31 am #

    Thank-you so much for taking the time to pray for me and to encourage me. I know that I need to do things differently. I feel so alone sometimes and overlooked. I will check out all of the resources you mentioned when I get home from work. Thanks so much!!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      April 14, 2014 at 6:02 pm #

      Julie,
      I pray most of all for your time with God and your faith to grow. God wants to be your greatest treasure, your comfort, your shield…

      This is a difficult journey. But you don’t have to do it alone. There is a community of wives here who will offer you love, encouragement, prayers and support.

      Let me know how you are doing! 🙂

      Like

  4. M
    May 7, 2014 at 12:14 pm #

    What do you do when you try to approach your husband about something to express your heart, and rather than reacting in love, he lashes out?

    Last night after work, my husband went out with the owner of his company who was here from out of state for some drinks. That was not a big deal. I’m glad he has that type of relationship with the owner, it shows how respected he is!

    I made dinner for me and my daughter. I expected to have leftovers for my husband, but I am a beginner cook and didn’t make enough. He texted when he left to ask if there were leftovers. I replied that I thought there would be but I didn’t make enough, and said, “I could make you something!”

    He replied that he would just make himself a bowl of cereal when he got home. I asked what kind he would like and said I’d get it ready for him. His response was that it’s just cereal and he could handle it.

    {Later that night, I saw that after he’d gotten home and I’d put my phone away, he texted again saying, “It’s actually quite funny that you offered to have cereal ready for me.”}

    His attitude when he got home was not awesome. He was clearly irritated because he’d turned down a dinner offer from his boss to come home after drinks, and dinner was not ready for him. I apologized again that I thought there would be enough, and offered again to make something for him. He refused. He asked my daughter (who is 6) what we had for dinner and where his was, and she jokingly said, “We ate it all! You’ll have to make some!”

    So he posted something on Facebook about how he’d worked a 14-hour day and came home to that conversation, with the hashtag “guessillgooutfordinner”. I tried to explain that it made me feel bad that he would post that on Facebook for the world to see, especially because he knows I’m a beginner cook and it’s a very, very sensitive topic for me. His response was that I choose how I react to things, and what he posted was simply about my daughter and not about me.

    When we woke up this morning, I went to do my Bible study as usual and later he came out to iron a shirt. He asked what was wrong. I told him I was still sad about last night, because I felt like I’d worked hard to make sure he knew I was completely okay with him going out after work, I wasn’t upset about that at all like some other wives would be, I worked hard to make the house a peaceful, clean place to come home to, I’d worked hard to make sure his laundry was washed and put away because I knew he had more meetings today, but all he focused on was the fact that I hadn’t made enough dinner for him, even after I’d offered to make him something on his way home.

    He was ANGRY. He said that some other wives would have appreciated the fact that their husbands turned down a dinner invitation and would have made sure to have dinner on the table when they got home. I told him I understood his frustration completely, but I couldn’t understand why he would get so angry about it especially after I’d offered to make him something. I told him that I was just trying to share my heart with him about something that made me sad. He “thanked” me and then asked if he could share his heart, and went into the fact that he spent this weekend with me rather than putting in more hours at the office like he’d wanted to do (I’d already written him an email thanking him for doing that when I knew he was so busy at work), he talked about how he busts his butt and feels like he just can’t do enough. He made a comment about not wanting to do anything for Mother’s Day at this point.

    I have no idea how we went from me wanting to share my heart about being sad, to him feeling like he can’t do enough.

    I don’t feel safe discussing anything that hurts my feelings. It is never received in love, with an attempt to rectify the situation, it is always received in anger. And this comes on the heels of a wonderful, incredible weekend where we had an amazing conversation about how he always feels respected by me, he never, ever feels disrespected, and when he gets angry he says dumb things that he doesn’t mean and I should just give him a pass for those.

    So, okay, maybe he didn’t mean what he said, but if this happens every time I try to express a hurt feeling, what do I do? I know we aren’t supposed to “stuff” our feelings, but when I don’t, I’m made to feel worse. I feel like when I told him I was sad, all he did was tell me what other wives would have done better than me, and basically kicked me when I was down.

    I sent him a text later saying I hope his morning was good so far. His reply was just “Morning is fine.”

    He’s so amazing on every level, but he has a temper and tends to get angry so easily, especially when I don’t do what he expects or thinks I should (like have leftovers for him, usually without even telling me what he wants or expects, he prefers that I read his mind) or when I try to talk to him about something that hurts me. I feel like I need to just start keeping my pain to myself.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      May 7, 2014 at 2:47 pm #

      M,

      Well… It seems to me that he really, really values you having supper ready for him. And it seems to me that you will have to read between the lines a bit.

      I wish he said, “yes, please make me some dinner and sit with me so we can enjoy some time together, that would be great!”

      Your husband was showing a lot of love – from his perspective – by working all day and by not staying out to eat.

      You did the right thing to ask if you could make him something.

      From now on, you know to be sure to have leftovers for him, so make a lot more than you think you will need.

      Thank him for all he does. Tell him you will be sure to have supper for him from now on now that you understand how important it is to him.

      Get up. Breathe. Pray. Extend grace and then you can move in, knowing this is a particularly big deal to him – even if he won’t tell you explicitly.

      Much love!!

      Like

    • peacefulwife
      May 7, 2014 at 2:50 pm #

      M,
      PS,
      As a pharmacist, and someone who does not do well with low blood sugar, I know that when people are hungry, or exhausted, or both – they can definitely be upset more easily than usual. I am glad you are learning to cook! Sounds like that is a way to his heart. 🙂

      Like

      • M
        May 7, 2014 at 2:59 pm #

        The interesting thing is that when we first met, I told him I didn’t know how to cook, and he said it wasn’t a big deal because he enjoys cooking.

        And there’s also the fact that I usually work later than he does, because he has a more flexible schedule and can work from home too.

        But for some reason, now that we’re married, it’s a big deal. It’s very stressful to me, because I’m a vegetarian and half the time I don’t even know where to FIND meat, much less how to cook it, and then to try and do it when I really only have an hour to cook, eat, clean up, and put my daughter to bed – it feels like a monumental task to me.

        I’ve apologized to him again, told him I didn’t mean to make him feel underappreciated, and asked what I could do to improve. His response is to just keep doing what I’m doing because he’s fed up and he will be the one making adjustments. 😦 I don’t even know how to respond to that. All I wanted to do was share my heart. I don’t think I will do that again any time soon.

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          May 7, 2014 at 4:43 pm #

          M,
          Again, you will have to read between the lines. I wish he would just plainly state what he wants.

          But, to me, it sounds like this issue is very important to him. So, make a mental note and be sure to try to have supper for him. That makes him feel loved, appreciated and like he matters to you, apparently.

          When you hear that sarcasm, it means to do the opposite of what he actually says, I think.

          Much love!

          Like

        • Notdoneyet
          July 2, 2014 at 9:42 pm #

          M,
          Hi, I am new to posting, just found peaceful wife a week ago. I have been married 28 yrs and my husband also reacts with anger and sarcasm when I express myself and especially if there are tears. I know he has been manipulated by his mother, according to him, to ‘feel her pain’ when he was growing up. He was youngest and she leaned on him emotionally, although his siblings also bear results of this unhealthy thing. Anyway, I am asking God to show me how to handle the feelings of hurt, insults, etc. and to have insight as to why he feels threatened, if that’s it, or how to just hold on to Him and not say anything I’ll regret. It really feels like the devil works overtime to destroy married couple, right? We have four grown children and our share of joys and heartaches and are in this big transition of empty nesters. Still, I hear truth on this website, and know I can grow in respect for my husband. He is a Christian and we started our life together both trusting God. As’first generation’ believers, meaning our parents were not, we carried a lot of baggage. Gods work takes a lifetime and it has not been easy. Just know you are not alone and you do have value. This imperfect place is not our final destiny! Much love.

          Like

          • M
            July 10, 2014 at 2:23 pm #

            Notdoneyet,

            Thank you for your comment, support, and empathy! It is helpful to know I am not alone, although I do wish for you that your husband did not react with anger and sarcasm when you express yourself. It makes it feel very unsafe to share your heart with the one person who is meant to protect it, right?

            I believe April was accurate when she said people can get upset more easily than usual when they are hungry or tired. I know I certainly can! And I’m sure my husband was both of those things that night. We haven’t had another argument quite like that since. I have made more of an effort to have dinner ready. He doesn’t even care what dinner is most of the time – he’s fine with sandwiches, or a quick pasta, or reheating leftovers. He is very low-maintenance when it comes to food. I put the pressure on myself to cook something with a meat, vegetable, and starch, because my mom is very good at that. I need to learn to relax a little and find some super simple ideas for dinner.

            I have learned to approach my husband during our down times, when we are out just the two of us, having a relaxed conversation, and I can sense that he would be receptive to my feelings. I am learning to not be quite as sensitive to some things (I tell myself to get a grip pretty often!). I know that I am human and will make mistakes and while I do wish my husband would instantly extend grace and respond to me with love rather than anger, I know that God forgives my screw ups and He will work with my husband to forgive me and give me grace next time. My husband is an incredible man and it has been obvious to me how much he’s working on this right now. I have many, many issues to work on as well, and we are growing together.

            Is there anything about which I can specifically pray for you about, my friend?

            Like

            • Notdoneyet
              July 20, 2014 at 11:42 pm #

              Thank you for answering. I actually would like prayer. I am trying so hard to battle all the negative thinking in my own head. I have had to run to The Lord several times each day this weekend seeking to change my miserable thinking for his truth. Thank God he is faithful and it is working but it feels like I am completely dependent on Him. Not a bad thing, but I don’t know when the battle will end! Right now I am reading a book called ‘Idol Lies’ and going back through an old Beth Moore study I did called ‘Living Free’, I am also listening to podcasts of Unlocking the Bible and started writing down scripture in the form of prayer. STILL AFTER ALL THIS…I still find myself feeling unhappy and thinking unloving thoughts toward my husband. I am being totally honest here. I don’t know why I keep having these evil feelings. My hope is that the intensity of this struggle means that God is working to set me free and make my foundation more on His unshakable truth. Something that adds to this struggle from time to time is a completely severed relationship with one of our children due to the pain of the sin in their life. Sorry if this is all too much. Please pray for perseverance, deliverance, faith, and contentment.

              Like

              • peacefulwife
                July 21, 2014 at 8:01 am #

                Notdoneyet,

                Hello! 🙂

                Those are wonderful resources you are studying. I know God will speak to you through them. Here are a couple of other posts that may be helpful. Praying for you to focus fully on Christ and find your contentment, peace, joy, purpose, identity, treasure and LIFE in Him alone! I can’t wait to see all that God will do in your heart!

                You can search my home page for these terms:
                – idol
                – idolatry
                – my demon
                – discontentment
                – expectations
                – contentment
                – waiting
                – stages of this journey

                I believe God may speak to you through these posts as well. Praying for you to have the time with God that you need and to seek Him far above everything else. Praying for His greatest glory in your life!!!!! Sending a huge hug!

                Like

                • Notdoneyet
                  July 21, 2014 at 7:37 pm #

                  Thank you! I will look into those posts. It is good to hear the honest struggles of fellow sisters in Christ, and to be reminded that there is victory!

                  Like

          • peacefulwife
            July 24, 2014 at 7:56 am #

            Notdoneyet,

            I’m so sorry to hear about your pain! It sounds like you are both hurting a lot. I wish I could hug your neck!

            I hope you might check out the posts at the top of my home page for a place to start. And my Youtube videos at “April Cassidy,” and, of course, there are hundreds of posts here that I believe may be very helpful.

            You can search terms on my website like:
            – respect
            – disrespect
            – lead
            – leader
            – idol
            – idolatry
            – discontentment
            – contentment
            – expectations

            It is possible to share your heart, desires, needs and feelings in a soft, gentle, vulnerable, respectful way that your husband can process and hear. Sometimes it takes time if a husband has felt very disrespected for a long time, like mine did, before he will let his walls come down and feel safe enough to hear his wife’s heart. But, in time, usually, as a wife obeys God and seeks to honor and respect her husband and wants to learn and grow, her husband will usually soften and begin to care more about her feelings, desires and needs. Most husbands REALLY want their wives to be happy. But if they feel that is an impossible goal, they may give up.

            Praying for healing for you and your husband!

            Thank you so much for sharing!

            Like

  5. Rebecca
    May 14, 2014 at 1:52 am #

    What about when he IS wrong, and its a safety issue? For example – he doesn’t think children need to be buckled into a car seat on backroads and parking lots? There are many other examples that I just can’t sit by and say nothing. (He is a Christian, if that matters.) Am I really supposed to allow him to jeopardize our child’s safety so that God is not displeased that I make demands on him? I just don’t have full confidence that he will come to the decision that I feel is safest, and our baby could be seriously injured. (Note: his family members allow their kids to do this.)

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      May 14, 2014 at 6:08 am #

      Rebecca,

      You can absolutely say, “I really want the kids to be buckled in their seats, please.” Or, “I know it will probably be fine if they aren’t buckled in, but I feel very anxious if they are not, even for a short ride. I want to buckle them in, please.”

      🙂

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        May 14, 2014 at 6:09 am #

        PS, Rebecca,

        I don’t ever say “don’t say anything if you have concerns.” You can say your concerns. But I believe you can say them in a respectful way.

        Like

        • Rebecca
          May 14, 2014 at 1:46 pm #

          I thought I read that you only express your concerns _one time_ and give him the option to act on them or not. That was my understanding, but I could have misunderstood. I don’t feel comfortable only stating it once, when its important like this.

          Frankly, I did say it once. He disagreed. I wasn’t going to let it go, so it turned into an argument. In the end, we came to a resolution. I compromised on something not-safety-related and he compromised on this.

          There have been other things in our relationship I disagree with him on, and I don’t feel like I CAN just say it once and let him decide. The consequences are too heavy. He’s human and he sometimes makes bad decisions. I’m not claiming to be perfect either, but I can’t just submit to his every decision because he is the man in this relationship. I have responsibilities to him – but I also have them to our children.

          Like

          • peacefulwife
            May 14, 2014 at 7:00 pm #

            Rebecca,

            Expressing my concerns one time is a suggestion – but my suggestions are not the gospel and are not “rules.”

            I believe that as your husband sees that you trust him more and more and respect and honor him in a genuine way – over time – he will care more about your concerns and feelings. I believe he doesn’t think the children are in jeopardy and that they are safe in his care. I think the issue here is that you have different standards of safety – not that he is purposely being negligent or trying to expose them to danger.

            What is your relationship with Christ?

            Thanks so much for sharing!

            Like

  6. M
    July 21, 2014 at 8:09 am #

    notdoneyet,

    All of the posts April referred to are ones that have helped me immensely. Another verse to keep in mind is 2 Cor. 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

    This verse says to me that we have the power, we are given the power by God, to take our thoughts captive. We aren’t slaves to evil thoughts anymore! We aren’t slaves to self-deprecating thoughts!

    Granted, just last night I was crying to myself about how I’m this bad thing and that bad thing, but where I used to spend hours doing that, I allowed myself just a few minutes to wallow, and then God’s truth washed over me and I picked myself up and got over it. I do know how you feel. But I also know it’s possible to conquer those critical, evil thoughts! You can do this, by the spirit of Christ in you, and we will be praying for you!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      July 21, 2014 at 7:07 pm #

      Thank you so much for sharing, M!!!! I appreciate your willingness to be transparent and to encourage our sister so very much. 🙂

      Like

    • Notdoneyet
      August 23, 2014 at 8:40 pm #

      Thank you, I do stand on that promise a lot! I think God also recently showed me that for me, to abide in him is to run to Him to get His thoughts to conquer my not so good ones. I had been writing verses down with that intention: to take myself in hand, so to speak at say aloud those scriptures I have been gathering. It’s so counter-intuitive, but I was AMAZED at how quickly it helped me the first couple times! I take that as God’s faithfulness to show me that He IS willing to come to my aid. Praise God! Your prayers are more appreciated than you know!

      Like

  7. Nichole
    August 7, 2014 at 12:10 pm #

    Hi April,

    I found your blog a couple of months ago and it was so timely. My husband and I had seperated a few weeks before that and I was the dominant personality wtih an extremely passive husband. Fast forward to month 3 where we are now and my husband has finally talked to me about the issues he was having with me (as in just 2 nights ago). The problem is all his issues were with the “old” me and my heart has changed so much since we seperated. I felt so defeated hearing everything bad about me once again (I already knew it but it did help to hear that he had been thinking about us even if it was all negative). When we first seperated I almost immediately knew that it was wrong for us to be seperated and asked him to come back. However he continues to say that it’s not that easy and has stayed away. He says that the emotional abandonment has wounded him so much and he won’t even think of coming back right now. A couple of weeks ago things were going so great and I really thought we were on a path that would have him coming back soon after but then he told me I was very disrespectful to continue asking him to come back. (??) I apologized and have stopped asking but told him that it doesn’t mean I don’t want him back. I have told him that I love him and that I am working on changing the bad habits that I had before (disrespectful tone mostly). Well, I just found out today that I am pregnant (thanks to that wonderful week we had a couple weeks ago) but he literally just told me 2 nights ago when he decided it was time to talk to me about why he was staying away that he doesn’t know why he doesn’t just divorce me. (I had asked him what kept him from taking that step and he said “I don’t know”). We have a 1 year old daughter and almost 4 year old son and they haven’t been enough to encourage him to come back so I know this baby will only make things worse (at least that’s how I perceive it right now). He is a life-long Catholic but sadly is not a believer. I am a believer and have been rededicated to living a life like Jesus’ since this seperation ocurred. It was like a shock to my system that showed me how wrong I had been for all these years (in the way I treated him mostly). We will celebrate 7 years on August 17 but I think I will be celebrating alone. I just wondered if there was anything else I can do to show him respect and to show him that my heart has changed. He says that he sees no change whatsoever because I have made some mistakes along the way and unless I am perfect I think those mistakes will always overshadow any change. (Sorry for the somewhat cryptic story but there is so much to be told and I didn’t want to make this any longer than it already is!)

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      August 7, 2014 at 1:56 pm #

      Nichole,
      It is great to meet you! What a painful situation, but there are many reasons for hope!!!

      I think it is wise to stop pressuring your husband to come back. He will come back when he sees you are safe and this change is real. It will take time, a long time, for him to believe that these are permanent changes. Probably many months, maybe years.

      Many husbands believe if a wife makes any mistakes that she is not really changing, but men usually have no idea what a total and complete renovation of a wife’s soul is needed for her to be genuinely respectful and biblically submissive. It is the lifelong process of sanctification. It involves dying to self and getting rid of all the worldly lies we have embraced and the poisonous ideas we have swallowed and allowing God’s Spirit to completely transform us into the image of Christ.

      You just keep doing what God asks you to do. Keep your eyes on Jesus. He is able to change your husband’s heart and heal your marriage.

      Please search my home page for:

      Peaceful separated wife
      When I shut up, my husband heard God
      My husband wants to go where?

      You are always welcome here. I can’t wait to see what god has in store for you. I pray God will give you wisdom about when to tell your husband about the pregnancy. If you haven’t already, please read the posts at the top of my home page. And I have some videos on my YouTube channel, April Cassidy that may be helpful. I pray you will use this time of waiting and being without your husband to focus on submitting fully to Christ and becoming the woman He desires you to be. Not to change your husband, but just to honor and please Jesus!

      Much love!!!

      Like

  8. patricia
    October 5, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

    Hi April,
    Just wanted to say that in some of the posts here, what I see in the husband is some very passive aggressive, punitive behaviour. I agree completely that we wives can cause problems and add fuel to the fire with out own out of order behaviour and attitudes and that God can use our God honoring respect and without a word submission to win a sinning husband. However I am kind of familiar with this whole punitive sulk thing and rejecting passive aggressive behaviour over food being on the table when “it should be”. A pre existing root problem can be at the source rather than a wife’s failure to submit. This is why in some situations no matter how submitted a wife may be, her husband is still abusive and only gets worse.

    Some men have been very wounded by their mother’s lack of value for them, which showed up in failure to nurture. Its as if there a little boy in there who is deeply hurt as to why his mother failed to see his value and refused to care for his needs. So failure to provide for his needs equals neglect and lack of value and respect. Perhaps this sounds really dumb but I suspect its true. Sometimes a guy had a mother who did the opposite, over nurtured and so having a woman who fusses and anticipates his needs at every turn is what he thinks love is. Both scenarios are distortions rooted in selfishness, neither under loving nor over loving are healthy expressions of godly love and balance. They are rooted in the self, not in Christ.

    Either way, failure to have food on the table becomes symbolic of failure to love them and nurture them. If its a wound, it pours vinegar in the wound and triggers very childish behaviour. If its over indulgence and you are not indulging the same way, an angry sense of childish deprivation can occur and the husband can begin to act entitled. Either way the root of the problem is not the wife’s failure to be a good wife, but the husband’s failure to deal with his heart issues in a biblical way. Such as realizing that wife and mother are not interchangeable parts. A wife is an intimate companion and life partner. A mother is a parent/nurturer/counselor. There’s some crossover because both are women but the two are not the same.

    What’s the solution. Well, honestly when my husband does it, I have the same reaction to being pressured that most men have when their wives do it to them. It ticks me off and I resent being treated like a service station so I shut down and rebel against the demand. I don’t like being treated like an object that is supposed to function as a need meeting machine instead of a person and I don’t like being treated as if I have no right to choose. When my husband displays childish punitive behaviour it turns me right off and his “man quotient” goes down in my eyes, which makes it even harder to respect him, let alone trust him. In man’s eyes this is normal and justifiable. But this is reactive sin and it produces a cycle of action/reaction/action/reaction that is a downward spiral. Believe me our only hope is in God who came to redeem and our choice is between bitterness, revenge and unforgiveness, or mercy, faith and seeking the outpouring of God’s power. We have to choose which side we are aligning with and those choices are made in a thousand little ways in kitchens and living rooms all over the world.

    But…..groan…..I have to chose to side step the sinful response issues involved and base my reaction on God and not on my husband. Is it legitimate to meet the need for order, cleanliness and meeting bodily needs with good food. Sure it is. Is it merciful to attend to wounds with consideration? Yep. Do I have to become his mama. Nope. Very unsexy. Who wants to sleep with their mother unless they are very sick? So its a question of learning to respond to reality with conscious thinking but without getting roped into the fleshly pressure to conform to negative expectations and sinful response patterns. He may try to pressure me into conforming to his negative and angry feelings about certain females in his life so he can act out unforgiveness and justify sin. If I choose to reference God instead of Him, that won’t succeed and I can obey and honor from a place of choice and power instead of reaction. Easier said than done but the only way to win the battle and overcome.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      October 5, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

      Patricia,

      Absolutely, husbands can sin and create major destruction and pain in marriages, too. My message is never that “wives are the cause of all problems in marriage,” but rather, that if we want to operate in the power of a Christ, we must focus on repenting of any sin in our hearts so that we can be sensitive to God and filled with His Spirit’s power and wisdom. Then we will be able to appropriately respond in a godly way whether our husbands are sinning or not.

      I love that last paragraph. That is where our power is – in seeking Christ above all else and seeking to honor and submit to Him. His Spirit is infinitely more capable of convicting our husbands of their sin than we are. And He can change people. We can’t. We can get in God’s way or make things worse by repaying evil for evil. But praise God, with Christ in our lives, we have the power to repay evil with good and to walk in obedience to God even when our husbands do not. Then we get to experience the power of heaven pouring into our marriages, bringing healing and drawing our husbands to God in ways that could not happen if we were intent on standing in God’s way instead of cooperating with Him.

      Thanks so much for sharing!

      Like

  9. Antoinette Klan
    November 1, 2014 at 4:10 am #

    Dear sister
    I tryed 15 year’s with my husband and waiting That he obey God but don’t
    He obey his parents more then god
    He parents are bring him in wrong way.
    We have 2 children and don’t take responsibility of his children and me
    What should I do. I am asking this question to god to guide me in the rights way of life and god open my husband eyes towards to god and to me
    I prayer
    Give me please answer my sister what should I do
    Thank you my dearest sister and brother

    From Antoinette

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      November 1, 2014 at 7:43 am #

      Antoinette,
      I am so sorry for your pain! I don’t know your circumstances, my precious sister. But I pray you will continue to seek God and to obey Him for your own life. I believe He can give you wisdom about what to do in specific circumstances.

      How do you normally try to get him to do what you want him to?
      How do you respond when he puts his parents above God and above you and your children?

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you!

      Like

  10. Kristen
    April 24, 2015 at 2:48 am #

    Thank you so much for your words I find myself reading them a lot during timeS of pain and I am blessed to have them to helps threw. Thank you for being a wonderful person 🙂 I have a question I am unsure if I am dealing with things properly in regards to being sinned against If a husbandgoes for six beers every other night with his buddies which often times makes me feel uncomfortable due to many factors depending on the circumstance. Am I condoning sin or should I remain peaceful? I have moved out a couple times and I’m always unsure what is the right choice this has been an ongoing issue in my relationship for years now 🙂 he had been saved but I’m not sure how close his heart is too god around this issue I in the past has made it hard for him to hear God over my voice and he hasn’t learned to trust me yet in this area. I look forward to your reply as always 🙂

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 24, 2015 at 8:13 am #

      Kristen,

      So heartbreaking. I just want to give you a big hug!!! It seems to me that you are dealing with alcoholism with your husband. I assume you have shared with your husband that you don’t like the drinking. And he can’t or won’t stop. Is he driving in this condition every night? 😦

      Have you contacted Celebrate Recovery or The Salvation Army or a godly pastor or biblical counselor? I think that you are dealing with an addiction here, not your husband in his right mind. I pray God will help you find the resources you need to know what to do. I pray for healing for you both!

      Like

  11. Katie
    June 22, 2015 at 10:57 am #

    I found this blog after looking for articles about being a better Christian wife. To say that I am Type A and independent is an understatement! I am 26 and have been married for 3 years to a wonderful, kind, gentle man! But our marriage is slowing going down hill and I know that a large part of it is how I respond to and treat my husband. He even tells me that he feels like I control everything in his life and it breaks my heart that he feels like that. I never meant to be that type of person. I’ve started praying about it and trying really hard to watch how I talk to him. But this week, he told me that he is addicted to porn. I know he has struggled with it in the past, but when we got married he said he didn’t desire it anymore because he got to have me each night. But now that the “honeymoon” is over so to speak, he finds himself turning back to it more and more. I know that he struggled with it before, but part of me wonders if I didn’t cause his desire for porn to increase because of how I might have damaged his confidence. I just don’t know what to do or where to start. I feel like I’ve already tried so hard to be less controlling and more submissive without much results. And my heart is broken that he wants to turn to a computer screen to be fulfilled instead of turning to me. I don’t know what to do.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 23, 2015 at 12:52 pm #

      Katie,

      I can definitely relate to your personality!

      How my heart aches about the porn addiction. 😦 So very many men (and now many women, too) are ensnared by the enemy through porn. 😦

      The porn addiction is his responsibility and he is accountable for that sin before God. You are accountable for your sin. If you are being disrespectful or controlling, you can seek God and ask Him to change you. You can repent for any sin in your life and seek to support your husband in a godly way – including getting help, if necessary.

      I would love for you to search my home page for “porn” and check out the posts and prayerfully consider them. And, you may want to search my home page for the following terms and read the posts, as well:

      – respect
      – disrespect
      – control
      – idol
      – idolatry
      – forgiveness
      – bitterness
      – pray for husband so God will hear

      How is your walk with Christ going, my precious sister?

      Thank you so much for reaching out for help! I am praying for you both!

      Like

  12. Katie
    June 23, 2015 at 11:16 pm #

    Actually, I have been spending the past few days reading as many of your posts as I can! I’ve been working at being more respectful and giving up control for the past 6 months. I have seen some changes, but not as drastically or as quickly as I would like. I guess that’s where long suffering comes in? 🙂 I also need to be better about my prayer life. Before this year, I hardly ever prayed. Probably 4 or 5 times a year! I pray almost every hour now, just little thoughts here and there. I feel constantly lost and confused about my relationship with my husband. I have been praying that things get better, but my prayers haven’t been directed towards changing myself. I think my next step is dedicating a time each day for reading my bible and repenting. I feel absolutely desperate to change the direction in which our marriage is heading, but honestly, it terrifies me that I might be hurting like this for years to come. I find that I hold myself back from not only my husband, but from God, because if I could have it all my way and if it was done the way I wanted, then things would be less painful. But I’ve lived my whole life controlling everything only to land myself in an extremely out of control life situation. As far as my husband’s addiction, I haven’t said much about it because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m controlling again and just dive further into it. So I really don’t know what to say or do to help him or how to express how it makes me feel about myself. But reading all these blog posts makes me feel like I’m not alone, and that helps a lot. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your experiences too!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 25, 2015 at 10:20 am #

      Katie,

      I am so excited about what God is doing in your life! I pray for God to give you wisdom and for healing for you and your husband.
      And I encourage you not to try to zoom ahead into the future to figure out what will be happening then, but to just live today and to trust God with the future, my dear sister.

      Much love to you! You are most definitely not alone in this battle.

      Like

  13. Aundrea Kling
    August 29, 2015 at 12:27 am #

    Hi,

    I am hoping to get some advice for a tough situation I am in. My husband and I got married June 2014. Definitely still in newlywed phase, figuring out how to communicate well with each other. I believe that we both are born again Christians, but my husband shows little of is in life situations (I’m not perfect myself).
    The current issues we are having is how he has a unhealthy relationship with his mom and disrespects her almost every time he sees her. This has gone on since we have dated but it seemed like he was working on making their relationship better. I know it stems from childhood grudges towards his mom.
    When my husband treats his mom poorly, I feel that I can not support him, sitting there letting it happen. So I confront him, and let him know how he treats his mom is wrong. He then claims I am taking her side and ganging up on him. I feel I am taking the common sense do what is right side. We had a flare up of this argument recently, bad things said, and now we are not talking.
    How should I approach him to heal our relationship, let him know I am on his side and help him heal his relationship with his mom. He just seems blinded and extremely sensitive to anything his mom says or does.
    Any advice is appreciated, thank you

    Aundrea

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      August 29, 2015 at 9:42 am #

      Aundrea Kling,

      It is wonderful to meet you! Congratulations on your marriage. 🙂

      I am really glad that you want to treat your MIL with respect and that you want your husband to treat her with respect. That is a good desire.

      Did you confront him in front of his mom?

      Men are very sensitive to disrespect – kind of the way that women are to feeling unloved. It may be that he has a lot of scars, wounds, and bitterness toward his mom from which he needs to heal. He may be in bondage to bitterness. It may be that he is not treating his mom in a godly way. There are times when a wife can and should confront her husband about his sin. But there is a really specific way to do this so that you are honoring God and showing respect to your husband in the process. Otherwise, he will perceive disrespect from you and feel that you are attacking him and that you are his enemy. That is not what we want!

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Here is something that is going to be really critical, in my view, for you to keep in mind. You can share concerns with him respectfully, humbly, and gently. Probably only once – or only occasionally – about the same topic. But you do not get to make his decisions for him – even if he is wrong.

      This is really hard for a lot of us wives to wrap our heads around. If our husband is “wrong” – we feel we should push and push until they do the “right” thing. The problem is, your husband has to make his own choices. God has given every adult a free will. God does not override our freedom, even when we are wrong. He allows us to choose our motives, thoughts, words, and behaviors. Of course, later, there are consequences for our choices. But God doesn’t take away our free will. If a wife attempts to make her husband’s decisions for him, he is going to feel smothered, mothered, controlled, angry, and repelled. We are not above God – that we have the right to take our husband’s free-will. Now – instead of seeing his own sin in his interactions with his mom, all he can see is that you are violating his boundaries and trying to control him and he will resist you and lash out at you because of what you have done to him.

      Control and Boundaries

      Some things that communicate respect to our husbands:

      – trusting and allowing them to handle their own relationships with their family, friends, coworkers, etc… and not step in to interfere or referee (unless you need to call 911)
      – bringing up concerns in private
      – not humiliating them in front of other people

      Your husband still has growing to do in Christ. We all do – it is the process of sanctification. God may use you to speak into your husband’s life – but your husband will not hear your message if you are trying to give it to him in a way that he perceives as disrespectful or controlling. That approach will cause him to lose respect for you – and he will not take advice from someone he can’t respect. He also will not be vulnerable with someone with whom he feels he is not safe.

      I suggest to prayerfully consider saying something like this:

      “Honey, I was thinking about how I acted. I didn’t like how you were treating your mom and I wanted to help. But then the way I responded was very disrespectful to you. That probably didn’t help the situation at all. I long for you and your mom to get along well. But I crossed the line and tried to make you do what I thought you should do. I should not have confronted you in front of her (if that is what you did). I was wrong. Please forgive me.”

      Then, let him think about that for awhile. Some husbands will say nothing for days or even weeks, but just mull over your words. That is fine. Some may share how hurt they felt and how betrayed that their wife would “attack” them. Some may get angry. Listen. Don’t defend yourself. Hear what he is saying. Try to understand his masculine heart that has a very different perspective from your own. Pray for God to help him be able to heal and forgive and get rid of the bitterness. Ask God to help you see how He may want you to show honor and respect to your husband and how to demonstrate a godly example of showing respect to your MIL, as well.

      Here is a post about confronting our husbands about their sin.

      Like

      • Aundrea Kling
        August 29, 2015 at 9:04 pm #

        Thank you for all your wonderful advice! I appreciate it very much.

        I did not confront my husband in front of his mother, but the confrontation did take place after he heard me talking to his mother about their latest bad encounter, and agreeing with her, that he was rude. So I did take her side and put him in a corner. I understand why he would be very upset and feel very disrespected. Today to get me to understand, he gave me a example of him talking to my mom and complaining whenever I act emotionally unreasonable (which is too often, unfortunately). That did bring it into better perspective for me.

        As for my walk in Christ, it is weaker than before marriage. It is hard to get up the motivation for going to church or a focus group, when my husband does not value them. I really like being surrounded by people of like mindedness because it makes my walk in life a little easier. I do try and read a devotional every day and be mindful of being Christ like in situations. I am defiantly not perfect, and I want my relationship to be stronger, but I think I am unevenly yoked. Which, I knew going into this marriage but I have faith that my husbands faith will pick up. When it does, life will be amazing living with him. I have let go in trying to get him to come to Christian community functions because he has such a strong push back.

        As for our current situation, I am going to follow your example conversation template tonight, and apologize. I is feeling hurt and disrespected, the last thing he needs is for me to also be a enemy. I do need to stop trying to force him into respectfulness. I some how need to help him feel at ease when around his mother. I am definably going to be praying about the bitterness being released, it has a very tight hold.

        I look forward to reading the other articles links you have given me.

        Thank you 🙂

        Like

  14. littlelady2730
    September 7, 2015 at 8:38 am #

    My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He has viewed porn and had two inappropriate relationships that I’m aware of over the course of our entire marriage. He made a profession of faith 5 years after we were married but nothing has changed. He had to go before the church we were attending and confess his sin of addiction to pornography and then we had to leave because he got caught again.

    We have just left the second church because the Pastor said he needed professional help, which he has been told before, and he was so angry at that Pastor that we had to leave that church as well. He refuses to avoid computers, smart phones, and movies all things that are his avenues to view pornography. He has lost jobs over this addiction. He has cost us lots of money because of this addiction.

    He has become violent destroying things and our house in arguments over this addiction. He will comply for a short period of giving up access to Porn and then he just starts telling me he is a dog on a leash and I’m controlling him. He is so addicted that he has viewed porn at a time and place that my kids were asleep in the room or here recently on the couch on his phone.

    I know this is wrong but I feel as though he is an ememy and a threat to me and my children. But he knows that I love my kids so much and the one time I separated from him he insisted on having our children every weekend and he took them to places where there was drinking and inappropriate women and movies and all kinds of stuff. He uses them to come back and tell me things to hurt me never thinking of the damage he is causing our children or the harm that could come to them.

    He also is a pathological liar. He lies about everything all the time. I or the Pastor can have the evidence and he will still lie straight to your face. I can’t believe anything he says. I’m not exaggerating he lies about everything. I’m just so hopeless.

    I want to try to be more respectful but it is so hard when he is using every opportunity to view porn and then says when he can’t he is just a dog on a leash to me.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      September 7, 2015 at 9:05 am #

      littlelady2730,

      Goodness, such a mess! 😦

      This is a pretty severe addiction. And I am very concerned about his violence and the lying. What have the pastors suggested to you?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      There are going to have to be boundaries and limits in this situation. You can treat him with respect and you can pray for God’s deliverance. But you cannot respect the sin in which he is involved. Here is a post with some questions to prayerfully consider – “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

      If you do separate – there may have to be supervised visits for the children with him.

      I think you may need godly, experienced help to walk with you to navigate this situation.

      I wish I could hug your neck! I am praying for you, my dear sister!

      There are some resources available that may be very helpful at http://www.xxxchurch.org

      Like

  15. Yang Belmonte
    October 25, 2015 at 9:06 pm #

    What if I caught my husband flirting with my officemate and I want to confront him and let him know I knew about the chat. How do I tell him? Should I let him see the conversation I discovered? I talked to him nicely about being affected about it in general but he said hea not that type. I want to let him know that he lied.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      October 25, 2015 at 9:17 pm #

      Yang Belmonte,

      Hey! It is great to meet you! But I am so sorry to hear about this painful situation. 😦

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      What is your husband’s relationship to Jesus?

      What do you desire for your marriage and your relationship with God?

      Much love to you!

      Like

  16. Seeking Peace
    October 27, 2015 at 8:29 am #

    I am so glad that I found this website as I am struggling with a lot of issues in my marriage.

    Currently my husband and I are living in separate states. We’ve had a very tumultuous relationship over years with make-ups and break ups and a host of many issues that come along with those times (infidelity on both ends). During the summer, we decided to repent, fully commit, put the childish games in the past and make our marriage work with God’s help. Things from the past of course came back up to haunt us, he went through a lot of depression and it became a very unhealthy situation for us where he was verbally and emotionally abusive, and he pushed me (this all in front of our children).

    At that point I decided that I could not be in the same household with him and until certain issues were dealt with, we could not be together. At that point he quit his job and decided to move several states away (this all decided in a span of a week) leaving me and our children. Before he left I asked him to stay but he said that he felt God was calling him to move to where he is now. We have since decided to try to mend the relationship and he wants us to move where he is now. Since he has been down there he as joined a church, has been baptized, and is working on his relationship with the lord.

    My hesitation in moving is our past, I would like for us to each get individual counseling as well as marriage counseling before I make the move. I’ve seen a lot of changes in him, but I’ve also seen some of the bad habits from the past (yelling, name calling). He wants me to quit my job where I make a decent living, live with him and his family, with our children until we get on our feet. I don’t feel comfortable uprooting in instability but I told him that I would come down there, I just want to wait until summer when school is over so the transition can be easy for the children, and I also want time to find a job because the job that he has gotten down there cannot support our family of 5. He makes only $8 per hour) .

    He says a lot of these things you mentioned above about not trusting him, about not allowing him to be a leader. I just need some Godly advice. Because I want to support him, be a Godly wife. I have been regularly attending church, and been praying and growing in my walk with the lord. I just don’t have many people to talk to about these things mostly due to embarrassment. I would appreciate any advice.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      October 27, 2015 at 8:47 am #

      Seeking Peace,

      Oh goodness! I wish I could give you a big hug! What a difficult situation.

      Are y’all dealing with any mental illness or addictions? Was that one time he pushed you the only time he physically tried to hurt you? Did you ever physically try to hurt him?

      I don’t know what God may desire you to do. I understand your hesitation and concerns. Living with in-laws is not very ideal and can create even more tension many times. And you would need a good job. It could be that God may lead you to move there in response to your husband’s leadership.

      I do think there can be times when trust has been broken that it needs to be rebuilt before we trust again. I also think it would be good to have a plan before you move of what the goal would be – how long you would plan to live with his parents, how you would try to find a place to live, etc…

      I like the idea of seeking godly counsel together and having a trusted, mature believer who may be able to help y’all build a strong marriage and have a workable plan before moving. Is he open to that idea? I would love to see you both have the tools to relate well to each other and a plan to avoid things getting so bad again.

      He is completely unwilling to come back to where you and your children live?

      What are some things you believe God desires you to change in how you relate to your husband?

      Do you have any sense of what you believe God is prompting you to do regarding the move?

      Like

  17. Seeking Peace
    October 27, 2015 at 9:51 am #

    Thank you so much for your quick response. The time that he has pushed me unfortunately was not the first time physical abuse has occurred and I have responded in physical ways as well in the past. I’ve never been the initiator (at least not physically) but that doesn’t make it justified. I thought we both had grown from those actions. I do believe he suffers from depression and anger issues.

    He plans for us to live with his father until we can afford to move. He has no specific time period or plan in place. Moving abruptly would cause me to have to break my lease or even get an eviction which would make it difficult to find a place down there. When I mention these things, he says just have faith in God and let him lead.

    “I like the idea of seeking godly counsel together and having a trusted, mature believer who may be able to help y’all build a strong marriage and have a workable plan before moving. Is he open to that idea?” –

    No, he is steadfast and that wants me to move now and whatever needs to be worked out will be worked out when I get down there. However we had a talk yesterday and he mentioned he would wait until March. But if I don’t come by then, he is filing for divorce. He gave me an ultimatum and asked me to make my choice or we can move forward with a divorce. I’ve told him that I am committed, and I put things in God’s hands. He says he is unwilling to come back here due to bad influences (his friends), bad memories of our relationship and he wants to start new where he feel God is leading him. I struggle with his viewpoint because I feel that there can be bad influences, memories, attacks from the enemy no matter where you are. But you must be strongly rooted in the lord and in who you are as God’s child to be protected from them. I don’t necessarily feel that a new location will or can fix all of his and my problems.

    I do think God is calling me to be a more peaceful, selfless wife, and to be more honoring to my husband. In writing this post I don’t want to seem as I am bashing him or that I am innocent. I’ve done many things to contribute to the state of our marriage. I’ve been controlling, undermining and have not been the wife God has called me to be. I have a strong desire to do so, and I feel with our obedience to God and in our covenant in our marriage nothing is impossible . He is a good father, has always provided for our family and I know he has a good heart.

    In regards to the move, I feel God is telling me to be “still”, and keep focus on me building my relationship with the lord. I feel that as he and I grow spiritually, rebuild trust, and respect each other, everything will work out no matter where we live. Because we can do all things through Christ, and I firmly believe that.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      October 27, 2015 at 11:49 am #

      Seeking Peace,

      My dear sister! My heart just hurts with you.

      I am the biggest supporter of a husband’s God-given leadership. I know that God can and does lead us through our husbands so many times. I don’t know for sure what God wants you to do. Focusing on your relationship with God sounds very important. I like that plan.

      I guess I don’t understand why an ultimatum is necessary and why so much pressure. It seems to me, especially with a history of physical violence in the marriage – that it would be important to take things slowly and to receive wise counsel in carefully rebuilding before living together again to make sure that everyone is on the same page and to be sure expectations are clear and that you both understand what to do and how to handle things if anger begins to boil.

      Have you shared your belief about that there can be bad influences, bad memories, and attacked from the enemy in any location?

      From what you are describing – your requests seem reasonable to me. Of course, I haven’t heard his side of the story.

      I would encourage you to check out Focus Ministries and the resources available there.

      I pray for God’s wisdom for you both and for healing for you both spiritually and for your marriage and family. I pray that God’s voice and direction will be very clear for you, my precious sister!

      Like

  18. ML
    April 20, 2016 at 2:52 am #

    Hi,

    I am a born again Christian and so is my husband. Wow, the Lord has brought us a long, long way and I am so thankful for that. Seems like though, we grow little by little, step by step. The growing comes from new territory, new events, that bring up ‘issues’.

    I will say, that I am working on watching my tongue. I tend to be the type to want to win an argument. Our issues have stemmed mostly from him maturing as a married man. He’s had to slowly learn what married men don’t do. Some things that I’ve thought were pretty obvious, he’s had to learn over time.

    Well, a new issue had come up. And with me trying to watch my tongue, Oh my! He was going to go on a three day conference with another female coworker alone. I stayed quiet about it, kinda waiting to see how he would handle it on his own. It went down pretty badly. No, not in an adulterous way, but his decisions and lack of safe guarding our marriage was pretty weak. We come from a church that tells it like it is. No candy coating. Our pastor really, REALLY believes in a husband being very careful about behavior and appearance. Our pastor and his wife also model a very healthy and happy marriage. My husband has received top notch preaching on the matter of caring for a marriage.

    Buuuuuut, he didn’t really take it to heart. Despite my very carefully and sweetly cautioning him about the whole situation, he left out without any preparations for the awkward trip. He didn’t plan how he could work out ‘the best’ way to handle the being alone or not alone with her. In the end, he ended up going out to eat with her for supper alone, then they went shopping together alone, then they came back and went to their own hotel rooms. The main problem was that I didn’t get any phone calls, texts to keep in touch at all after they left. Well, in truth the problem was that he went without a plan to get out of the dining alone and such.

    Anyhow, it ended up with me arguing with him for the whole of the three days, preaching at him, and then him coming home and agreeing with me that he should have thought things out. Now, I KNOW I should not have preached and all, BUT, my meek disapproval before he left did nothing obviously. It was only when he saw how upset I was, that he started to examine the whole situation and take it seriously. So here I am wondering. Should I have done it?

    I mean Sarah told Abraham to put out Hagar and his first son. I wasn’t there obviously, but I know that Sarah was upset and can only imagine how she presented it to him. And God sided with Sarah. Abigail went against her husband’s decision and fed David’s band of men. God also sided with Abigail. Sometimes I am unsure if I should be Sarah or Abigail, or if I should be quiet/meek/submissive? The lines get a little blurred in my mind. BTW, I tried to get him to present all this to our pastor in the midst of the our disagreement, but he declined. Yes, I could have kept quiet, BUT, it was wrong and if I didn’t speak up, we would be in the same position the next time and the next. He doesn’t hear MEEK. What do I do then?

    Also, he told me to, “Be Quiet!” When we had a disagreement today. I did. Complete silence. But he yelled it. I felt like a child.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 21, 2016 at 6:46 am #

      ML,

      I have very similar convictions as your pastor does at this point in my life. But I didn’t have those earlier in our marriage and didn’t understand protecting my heart and guarding our marriage – realizing later that I developed feelings for a guy and that I should have protected my heart.

      But, I think that to some degree, the way we decide to protect our hearts and our marriages is largely a matter of personal conviction. God works in us over time to think in ways that honor Him. Going on a required trip out of town with a coworker of the opposite sex can lead to problems. It can present temptation. But there are several ways to handle things – all of which, I believe, can honor God. The biggest thing is the heart and motive of the person involved.

      My husband has to go on trips with women for his work, too. I personally don’t worry about him. I know he will guard his heart and protect our marriage. I also know that he may not do that exactly the way I would. But that doesn’t mean he is not trustworthy. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. So I trust him with the decision about whether he will eat out with his coworker or not. If it is just the two of them out of town, I would really expect him to eat with her – unless there was an obvious temptation going on for him (or for her). I think it is possible to do that and guard his heart at the same time. Eating alone in a restaurant on a business trip with a coworker of the opposite sex is not sin. It could lead to sin. Yes. That is possible. But that in and of itself is not sin. How did they interact? What did they talk about? Those things would determine if it was a sinful situation. They went to their own rooms. That is a good thing.

      I would love for you to maybe step back and see that perhaps – could it be possible that maybe your husband didn’t do anything wrong? I am assuming he was not flirting with her or feeling at all tempted by her. Yes, the situation is not ideal. But perhaps your husband behaved in a trustworthy, godly manner? It would be really sad if he actually had good motives but just different personal convictions. Maybe he felt that it would be really rude to not eat with the only coworker who was with him on the trip. I would imagine he tried to weigh your concerns with trying to be a good coworker and do a good job for his employer, too. Maybe he could even feel that he may put his job in jeopardy if he acted so unsociable with a coworker? I don’t know. I don’t know him, his heart, or his job. But there are many things to take into account.

      Arguing and preaching won’t work. It will only repel your husband from you.

      Has your husband ever been untrustworthy or unfaithful? Has he ever given you reason to believe you can’t trust him around a female coworker?

      You can’t control your husband. You can share your concerns and what you would like to see (respectfully) – and then he has free will and he gets to make his own choices. So you pray and ask God to work in his heart and trust that God will direct him and that if there ever were something that came up – that God would give you both His wisdom to deal with it.

      If you act like his angry mother, you will destroy the intimacy in your marriage and push him away.

      I invite you to search my home page for:

      – flirt
      – fear
      – personal convictions
      – Fully Trusting God with My Husband
      – control
      – healthy vs unhealthy relationships
      – husbands share what is disrespectful to them
      – confronting our husbands about their sin

      How is your walk with Christ going, my dear sister?

      What is your definition of being meek and submissive? 🙂

      Much love to you!

      Like

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