Encouragement for Those Who Are “in the Trenches”

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1. SPIRITUAL HEALING TAKES TIME

This journey is a process. There are stages. If there is major woundedness in an individual or in a marriage, it often takes a long time to heal. Expect that it will be many months or maybe even a year or years before anything close to “total healing” takes place.

I think of this healing process as if a couple crashed their marriage “car” down in a steep ravine. The further off course they went, the longer it takes to tow it back up to the road and the worse the spiritual injuries they sustain. There may be a time when one or both spouses are in the “spiritual ICU.” At that point, making demands – or even requests – of the other person could be rather pointless. If my husband had been in a physical wreck and was in the ICU in a coma on a ventilator – I would not resent him because he was not helping me even if I had a broken leg and a broken arm. I would extend grace and understanding knowing that he CAN’T get up and help me right now.

People who are severely spiritually wounded or who don’t know Christ and are spiritually dead can’t act like Christ toward us. They are incapable of loving God or others as they should. They need to be raised to new life by Jesus or they need spiritual healing from God. Nothing we can do will make them be able to give us what we want when they are that injured. They need major healing themselves.

There are things we can do to encourage spiritual healing for our husbands. But then we are going to have to be REALLY patient. More patient than we have ever been in our lives as we wait for God to work.

God wants to use this time of waiting to strengthen my flabby faith muscles and to get me to focus on Him and allowing Him to transform my own soul, mind, and life by His power. This will involve me learning to savor the journey and even the waiting.

2. FOCUS ON TODAY

  • Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
  • Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. James 4:13-16

My sisters, let’s not allow ourselves to get caught up in the enemy’s snare of what “might happen” weeks, months, or years from now. We tend to take one situation and zoom ahead with it in our minds to all of the “what-ifs” that may happen and try to plan what we are going to do in all of the worse case scenarios. Our plans may all come to nothing. God’s plans are what matter. When we get stuck in “what-if land” we usually don’t count God’s influence and power in our worrying scenarios.

Jesus was so good to tell us not to worry about tomorrow because each day has enough trouble of its own. None of us know what will happen in the next 5 minutes. The rapture could happen for all we know. Or a national disaster. Or a major miracle. Or a series of small miracles. We don’t know what is coming in the future. But God is already there – totally unlimited by time. He knows the way. He has your hand if you are following Christ.

3. A PERSON’S CURRENT FEELINGS,  SINS, WORDS, OR PLANS DO NOT DICTATE WHAT THE FUTURE WILL BRING

A husband’s feelings are important – so are a wife’s feelings.  But let’s keep the big perspective in mind. If he says he doesn’t love you, he wants a divorce, or he wants to separate, we are looking at a snapshot in time – kind of like one Instagram picture. This is not the whole story. It is not the last page of the book. There is more to be written! While we can respect what our husbands say, and how they are feeling – and while we can respectfully, graciously let them go (spiritually, emotionally, or physically) if they insist on leaving – we can also remember that ultimately our trust is in God and that He is able to change hearts, circumstances, mindsets, desires, and plans.

  • In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9

Because we trust in Christ completely, we are not at the mercy of other people’s plans or changeable feelings. We are not at the mercy of their emotions and decisions. We are not at the mercy of our own feelings or fears. We are in the hands of a sovereign Lord. Yes, people make decisions with their free will. But then, at the same time, God is sovereign and He will use all things to accomplish His good purposes in our lives and for His kingdom as we love and trust Him. So we can’t lose.

We can’t lose, my dear sisters (and brothers)!

  • If something bad happens, I know God will use it for my ultimate good, to strengthen my faith, to draw me closer to Him, to make me more like Jesus, and to accomplish His good purposes.
  • If something good happens, I know God will use it for my ultimate good and to accomplish His good purposes in the end, as well.

I can always stand on my spiritual tiptoes and look beyond the current circumstances in eager anticipation to see all that God will accomplish. I can expect Him to move mountains, change situations, transform my own heart/mind/soul, change others in His timing, and work constantly for His glory and His will to be done. I can wait patiently knowing that God is in control and His timing and wisdom is much higher than my own.

I can hurt when my husband is distant or if he is talking about divorce or if he leaves. I can grieve over that. But then, I can also look to Christ for help and hope, that He will use even this ultimately for good as I trust Him completely. I can focus on Philippians 4:8 kinds of good things. I can focus on praising God and on thanksgiving. I can face my emotions and feel them. Emotions are a gift from God but I am also responsible for how I handle them and I can learn – in the power of the Holy Spirit – to handle them rightly and without sin. I can allow myself to experience hurt, sadness, anger, fear… but then I can hash through my difficult emotions and lay them before God and entrust them to Him. I don’t have to be ruled by my emotions. My marriage is not to be built on my emotions, but on Christ and His truth. I am not a slave to feelings. I can take my thoughts captive as I process my emotions and feelings. I can even experience God’s supernatural peace and joy as I trust everything to Him and focus on God’s goodness, sovereignty, love, and Lordship in my life! Even in the trials.

4. GOD WILL USE THIS TRIAL ON A GRAND SCALE

God has something much bigger in mind than just to work good in your own life from the bad things that happen and the trials and suffering you endure as a believer in Christ. Yes, He will use it ultimately for your good and His glory in your life if you are living for Him and you love Him and you are yielding to Christ as Lord. But He also will use it to bless the Body of Christ and His kingdom. There is a much larger picture going on than we can possibly realize in the midst of our trials.

I had no idea that God would use my most painful trials to reach thousands of people around the world for Christ. But as we walk through these times of testing and suffering, and as God refines our faith and causes us to grow strong in our walk with Him – He uses our stories and our testimony to build the faith of others, to encourage others, and to teach others – and set an example.

What you are experiencing now that is so painful – may well be the very thing that convinces many people in the future to trust in Christ in the midst of their painful trials – because they see that your faith was tested and that God was victorious. God may use your story to inspire many others to walk in obedience and faith, trusting Him and yielding fully to Him as Lord.

What a joy!

 

 

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532 Comments on “Encouragement for Those Who Are “in the Trenches””

  1. Sue
    April 25, 2016 at 5:39 am #

    Glad to access this website
    Pray every woman accesses it..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Albert
    April 25, 2016 at 6:12 am #

    If I could have more physical interaction with my wife; I would feel a stronger bond with her!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Michelle Toste
    April 25, 2016 at 6:27 am #

    I am thankful to read this, this morning. Just what I needed. Thank you Jesus!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 7:43 am #

      Michelle,

      You are most welcome. I’m so glad God used this to bless you. 🙂

      Like

  4. Mara
    April 25, 2016 at 6:38 am #

    I’m torn between living a joyful moment, taking a spontaneous one week away with a girlfriend. I have never done anything like this, and it feels like doing so would be living and loving my life. Or do I stay at home and do the same thing I have done for the last many many years. I can already tell that my husband doesn’t like the thought of it. But I really feel alive and joyful at the thought of it. What do I do ?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 7:08 am #

      Mara,

      What if you consider praying about it – and seeking God’s will? And then maybe if you still believe you would like to go, share with your husband respectfully that you would like to go with your friend. If he is not okay with it, you can say, “I really would like to go, but I will honor your feelings about this and stay if you think it is not a good idea. I trust you.”

      Much love!

      Like

      • Mara
        April 26, 2016 at 7:11 pm #

        I decided not to go. Thanks April for your advice.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. mrsbal84
    April 25, 2016 at 6:50 am #

    Thank you for this. Came at a right time when I need it the most as I am going through so much and feeling somewhat discouraged. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 7:36 am #

      mrsbal84,

      I am praying for God’s Spirit to strengthen you and to help you put your eyes on Christ Jesus alone right now in this storm, my precious sister. I pray for His healing, wisdom, comfort, strength, and love. I pray for Him to use this difficult time to create something very beautiful in your life that we cannot begin to imagine right now. I pray you will have some time to just rest in His love and sing praises to God today and allow Him to restore your soul with His goodness.

      Much love to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Humbled Husband
    April 25, 2016 at 6:52 am #

    Bam. Bullets flying overhead. In the trenches with gangrene and trenchfoot. About to turn my rusty rifle on myself and surrender to the peaceful silence of death. In walks the Red Cross avoiding all the bullets and hands me some medicine. Some of the pain recedes as I realise that this is a battle in a war already won. Sporting many wounds yes, but stands up again to face the enemy once more.

    It’s my 10 year wedding anniversary this week….or would be if not apart. 10 years! Hard day. Much tears. Much much pain. Then this sentence “If she says she doesn’t love you, she wants a divorce, or she wants to separate, we are looking at a snapshot in time – kind of like one Instagram picture. This is not the whole story. It is not the last page of the book. There is more to be written!” Hope glimmers briefly. There is always more to be written. Thinks of the song “It’s not over yet” by King and Country. Plays it. LOUDLY.

    I have a question. James 4 talks about praying and receiving not because we ask with the wrong motives to consume on our lusts. Is praying for reconciliation selfish? If I am totally honest I am very aware that I want reconciliation as much for my own benefit as for hers and the kids…..

    HH

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 7:56 am #

      HH,

      Yes! You are in the trenches with the bullets flying fiercely right now – but YES! The battle and the whole war is already won. Your Savior has defeated your enemy! Be encouraged greatly, my brother!

      I’m sure this week is especially tough with it being your anniversary. I pray for God to bring a lot of extra encouragement and blessings to you this week in the midst of this fiery trial.

      This is the part of the “movie” where the plot thickens. It is not the resolution. It is the part that God will use to greatly refine you and to teach you – if you are willing. And it is the part He will use to grab the attention of many people in the future when you tell your story – as you minister to others who are suffering and they realize you can relate to them and they see that your message and faith has substance and weight and has been well-tested. After all, untested faith may not be genuine faith.

      Praying for reconciliation can be a selfish prayer or it can be a godly prayer. It depends largely on our motives. Just like the wife in My Secret Idol made her husband’s salvation into an idol, it is entirely possible to make healing of the marriage or a spouse’s acceptance and love into idols, as well.

      I know my situation was a bit different. But there was a stage of this journey where God prompted me not to pray anything for Greg other than “God, bless him.” I wanted to use prayer to control Greg and to make him do what I wanted him to do so that he would give me what I wanted from him. God gently showed me that prayer is not a means of me controlling other people. That God wanted me to use prayer to draw near to Him and to allow Him to change me and then to pray for His will. It is even possible to make prayer an idol. Which I think I did. Here is a post about avoiding that – “Can You Pray Too Much for Your Marriage?”

      This is a time of intense spiritual pruning – and at first, it seems like the most awful thing. In that article, I just linked, I talk about an unpruned apple tree in my neighborhood. It is the most pitiful tree I have ever seen. (If you haven’t read that post, I invite you to read it – all who are going through trials and suffering right now.) Then you begin to see the results and then you begin to realize where you would have been if God hadn’t pruned you. And then you begin to embrace the pruning process as joy because God is doing something BIG and powerful in your life in spite of the possibly sinful intentions of others. This pruning process has important purposes behind it. It makes it possible for you to bear much fruit for God without your branches all breaking and snapping under the weight of the fruit. It makes your life much more fruitful in the Kingdom.

      This is a time of great refining. It IS PAINFUL. Yes. The fire is hot and the dross is coming to the top – things like your hidden motives will be revealed and hidden wrong beliefs. God can use this time of refining fire to skim the dross off of your life and to purify you for His glory.

      Some of the people with the deepest faith that I have seen and walked beside on this journey have gone through some similar refining fires. I am hoping some of them might share a bit of their stories with those who are discouraged today.

      Praying for you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Humbled Husband
        April 25, 2016 at 7:41 pm #

        I am willing. I know that much.

        I am halfway through the book “With Christ in the School of Prayer” and I’ve stopped reading to reflect on motives. I am aware of these motives;

        1) I deeply want forgiveness and reconciliation.
        2) I want my wife to know the peace of knowing Christ.
        3) I want my children to have a joy filled life full of God’s love and teaching.

        They are all good desires! But, I am questioning whether my own needs are sometimes more importance in my prayers than is God’s glory or purposes. Quite often I pray for His glory and will even if it means much more pruning. And I genuinely mean it! But occasionally (such as last night) I get home to an empty home and my own pain overrides the desire for His plan. So my prayer today is that God will further sanctify my heart to create a real and constant Spirit of sacrificial love. I am asking God to further create Christ in me. I don’t know if my prayers are full of self but I do know that I am open before God for my motives to be revealed, understood and changed if needed to reflect Him.

        I have a horticultural background and I prune my fruit trees each year. Last year I had so much fruit a large branch broke from the sheer weight of the fruit. It needed thinning that I did not have the time to give it. I feel like that branch today. I have been pruned and am bringing forth more and more fruit until I will snap!

        HH

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          April 25, 2016 at 9:32 pm #

          HH,

          You know what? It sounds like you are in the right place and that you are open to what God wants to do. That is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! There is no better place to be!

          The apple tree in our neighborhood at the elementary school gets tons of fruit each year and has so many broken branches from the weight. It makes me sad!!!! Not that I have any clue how to fix it – and it is not on my property. But it is a reminder to me every day when I go for a walk around the mile loop past the school that I need to be thankful for and joyfully embrace God’s pruning in my life. He knows what to do so that I can be the most fruitful and not break.

          Hmm.. you could probably explain all of the benefits of pruning much better than I did in that post. If I am not explaining anything right, please let me know! 🙂

          Thank you so much for sharing. I am praying for you and your wife – for her salvation – that is the biggest thing. Her salvation and sanctification and your sanctification. When those things are being done – the rest becomes “easy.”

          In Him

          April

          Liked by 1 person

          • Humbled Husband
            April 25, 2016 at 9:58 pm #

            It does not feel like a good place April. It feels like the worst place I’ve ever been in. I only wish that my wife were unplugged and passive instead of gone and actively pursuing sin.

            I asked her yesterday if she is viewing the separation as long term and leading to divorce. She said “I don’t know but you are better off without me anyway as I am a wreck. I am bad, really really bad”.

            I said regardless of what you are doing or how much of a wreck you are I love you. I am not better off without you I am only half a person without you. When she says these things my mind picture the worst. Hard to take thoughts captive.

            HH

            Like

            • Peacefulwife
              April 25, 2016 at 10:20 pm #

              HH,
              Yes, the circumstances feel like the worst storm of your life. But spiritually, the place you are choosing to be is the BEST place there is. You will never regret choosing this path, my brother.

              Your wife is very broken, wounded, and held captive by the enemy. But she is not beyond the reach of Christ. We will all pray together for God to open her eyes and set her free. My guess is that it may be someone else other than you who God uses to reach her. it is my prayer that He will reach her soon. But I know His timing is perfect. And I am glad you are willing to allow God to do what He wants to do in your own heart and mind and life. When I see that attitude, it fills me with joy because I know amazing things are coming.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Lmsdaily115
                April 27, 2016 at 10:07 pm #

                HH. Thank you for inviting me to read your comments here. I have not stopped praying for you. This is a tough week. I had a hard time with my 19th anniversary last year. I bought him a gift, made dinner, bought a card. Got nothing from him. However…I have learned to expect nothing and be okay about it because I feel I was doing what God wsnted. Not manipulating, just trying to be a blessing to people around me. Sometimes that also includes my husband. This is the hardest part, but I totally understand your wife right now, beleive it or not, I have felt like her. I felt that my husband and kids were better off without me after I saw how horrible I was to them and all the sin I was in. Because I try lly wanted what was best forvthem, I was willing to let them go. As I look back, it might have been a martyr move, but it was my way of learning unconditional love. That I would put their needs before my own. Thankfully, I haven’t had to do that…and my husband is still here as well. But as I have been reading His needs, Her needs book, I realize just how much we have both totally missed what a marriage is all about….right from the beginning. It has me really down this week to come face yo face with living 20 years putting so much energy into doing something so important the wrong way. Utter fail. Quite depressing if I let myself dwell on it. When I feel this way, I give myself time to greive, feel it, hurt from it. But I have to seriously wrench my mind ftom it and stand up ftom the ashes like David did snd choise to move forward. I know know how to do things better, how to choise wiser and have been able to help others and have grown tremendously from all of this “pruning”. Your wife probably feels much the same as you have…a failure, a sinner, discouraged, hopeless…she probably feels like a home wrecker too. I’ll bet the kids remind her daily about not being with daddy. This is how the Holy Spirit convicts people. She won’t have peace and rest while she is choosing sin. It makes her confused, anxious, irritable, fearful, out of control …all of those things that are not of God. She kind of has to go through it. No one can walk this journey for her. All you can do is love her like God loves His children, like God lives her, and you, and me, and April etc.

                You seem to be finding the right path. I’m so grateful to God for that. But think of this, even if you and your wife never rectify your martiage, you will need to be able to communicate with her to share the kids. You will need to learn these lessons to show a better way to the kids. You will be a better person for you and possibly someone else if it is God’s will for you in the future. You sure wouldn’t want to go through this all over again 15 years from now snd never grown or learned anything or been “pruned” for your own good.

                Surgery to remove a cancer is not pleasant. It hurts, it is uncomfortable, it leaves scars. But the cancer needs to go, for your own good. In the same way, your wrong thought patterns, enmeshing with your wife and sin needs to go.

                I found I had to learn how to pick up the pieces and stand up, be okay with me, life, my sad situation and move on, even if my husband never came back. I needed to be who God wanted me to be. Sitting in a corner in a puddle of self pity was not going to do me, the kids, or my husband or anyone else any good. Strength grows from learning this. Confidence grows in accepting God’s love for us. Wisdom cones from owning our mistakes and learning from them and learning what God’s plan for us is. It’s very cerebral, more than I ever expected. Not many people understand it to these levels either.

                You have an advantage over your wife right now with God at your side. You can help God and He helps you. But I have realized that I have made mere wishes and desires an idol over God…and He worked in ME nit my wife to rip them out. I idled rectification of my marriage, my husband’s forgiveness of me, my husband understanding me, my own pain, my husband’s feelings and even my kids’feelings…all over God. All good things to want, but not to be desired over honoring and obeying God.

                It’s a slippery blind slope sometimes and often you don’t recognize it until God does an unexpected work in you or a situation. You look back and go “Ahh, I see it now, thanks, God, I needed to know that”.

                I am actually quite positive about your wife’s comment on her sadness and the marriage. Remember. Emotions are just snapshots, not the whole film. God promises that all will end well, so if it is not well yet, then it is not the end. We are all just very impatient creatures, especially when we are the controlling type, we want it fixed asap. But it behooves us to remember it is God’s timing, not ours, that is perfect…brings us full circle bavk to trusting our Lord with it all.

                I pray that you can learn to be a lighthouse for your wife and others. Ghandi once said “be the change you want to see in the world”. So, be the example of love, affection, patience accepting and forgiveness for your wife to see. Why do you think God sent Jesus down from Heaven fir us as a gift?…so we had an example, a lighthouse to show us the way in the storm of life, a real, flesh and blood model to emulate. We are to live like Jesus did…now I know we will never perfect that, but each day, we need to be humble and serve others as Jesus did, be kind, caring, compassionate and show love.

                On your anniversary, you are still martied, although seperated, you are still married. She is still your wife….until she isnt. Do. Not. Lose. That. Fact. It will kerp your hope and faith going. Learn her needs, her pain, heresies and see how you can meet a few. It may not be ideal due to the seperation, but find a way, even a small one.

                My guess is she feels the need for communication that is not angry, hurt, controling or demanding…just to be heard and acknowledged. She needs to have her FEELINGS be understood, even if you don’t understand why she feels them, or thinks she is wrong. Affection is so key to a woman, but most men miss the point. We women miss the point on men’s needs too. That book will shine a light.

                I pray that God continues to give you wisdom, discernment snd a level of peace knowing you are fib ally on the right path. Though it is narrow and many thorns scrape you and cut you from the edges, you are still on the right path. I pray your wife gets drawn to God by His plan. I pray someone comes across her path to help her. I pray you continue yo shine your light for her…she is far out to sea, and she learns about herself snd grows and matures as well. I pray for your little ones that they ferl the love for them from both you and your wife and that Gid keeps their little hearts full of joy during this storm of life. I pray that although today feels like Friday, remember that Sunday is coming!

                Like

            • heartbroken
              June 11, 2016 at 5:26 pm #

              I understand about how hard it is to take thoughts captive. My husband has left for the second time. It is very hard to take my thoughts captive and not wonder what he is doing. I love him still and just want him to come home. I sometimes wonder, is God trying to save me from a man riddled a sinful heart? Is he trying to do what’s best for me by keeping him away from me and my children that are not his children by birth? It’s so hard to think that would be the case because when I married him, I knew I had married a Christian. But he has changed. He’s not Christlike at all. I have something for you to think about that other people keep saying to me and I dismiss. This is also something that was said to me when I prayed with a prayer team in my church. If you convince him to come back too soon, you will be bringing back more of the same heart ache you had in the first place. If he comes back, you want him to come back a changed man. You are not his Savior. You cannot save him. Only God can save him. If he is not listening to God, he’s not doing what’s right. Maybe you have already thought about this and maybe you haven’t. But it’s possible that God is still working in our spouses hearts to get them where they need to be before entering back into the union of 3. Because remember, God’s in this too. If I think of it like a team, me, my husband and God. If I am following God, then we are a team. He may not want my husband on our team until he straightens up his act. When my husband who calls himself a christian left, he was heavily intoxicated. I worried that entire night and went to work with zero sleep. Hardest day at work ever…….Need I say more…….

              Like

              • Humbled Husband
                June 11, 2016 at 9:49 pm #

                Heartbroken.

                That advice is good advice and I believe should not be dismissed. If the father of the prodigal son went after his son the son would not have come to an end of himself. He would have still felt as though he wasn’t making his own decisions and his resentment would have increased.

                That is not to say it is easy. I’m willing to bet the father of the prodigal had a heart that aches in the same way mine does. In the same way that our heavenly Father’s heart aches when He see’s his children here walking a prodigals path. If a prodigal is convinced to come back under duress or if it is not a genuine turning then they will likely just leave again.

                God is not interested in bandaids for severe wounds. He is interested in dealing with the root cause of the problem, whatever that may be in our individual cases.

                HH

                Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  June 11, 2016 at 10:46 pm #

                  Love this, HH! Thank you so much for sharing with our heartbroken sister. 🙂

                  Like

                • heartbroken
                  June 12, 2016 at 3:06 pm #

                  Amen…..bless you on your journey. Prayers that your wife will return with a repentant servants heart. Keep us posted. I’d love to know the day it happens. 🙂

                  Like

                  • Humbled Husband
                    June 12, 2016 at 8:56 pm #

                    Thank you for your prayers 🙂

                    It is unlikely that we will move forward in any way. I will not place constraints on God but there will have to be mountains moved before any reconciliation is possible. In Christ, HH

                    Like

      • heartbroken
        June 11, 2016 at 4:29 pm #

        I do not understand how praying for reconciliation is idolatry. The bible clearly states that God hates divorce. I want reconcilliation with my husband because, the bond between my husband, my Lord and myself is broken, he is my husband, I love him, I worry about him since he has left. And the only way we can glorify God through our marriage is to be married. Some people are more passionate than others about helping their spouses. Wanting salvation for a spouse and being passionate about it to me does not necessarily make it an idol. After all, all a person is wanting is salvation which translate into an eternity in heaven for that person. How is that idolatry? There are some things that are spelled out in the bible. So praying for our spouses to do those things are not just what I am wanting and being selfish. I pray for my spouse to do what I want, which happens to be in the bible, so that we can have a peaceful home, so that my children will have Godly examples to follow. So that they can have a mom and a dad who loves and cares for them. So that we can glorify God through our marriage. Why must prunings in our life include us being apart. I’m sorry, but I am a realist. I am straight forward and to the point. I am, “if you get knocked down,” get back up and keep going. Don’t waller around on the ground crying and being all dramatic like a kindergartener that just skin his knee. If my husband wants divorce, I refuse to participate. There are 2 things in the bible God says he hates. The first one is Esau, and the second one is divorce. That’s a pretty narrow list of hate in my opinion. I really don’t want to be apart of either. So if he wants divorce, he can go and get it all by himself in this state. We don’t share children or property. This divorce is wrong and I refuse to participate in it.

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        • Peacefulwife
          June 11, 2016 at 9:40 pm #

          heartbroken,

          I’m so very sorry to hear about what a painful situation you are in. 😦 That breaks my heart for you and everyone in your family.

          Praying for reconciliation and your spouse’s salvation are GOOD things. They are God’s will. But where we can get messed up sometimes is when we want those things much more than we want God. Does that make sense? God wants us to do the right things for the right reasons. Praying for these things is good. But praying for them with selfish motives rather than godly motives is not good. So it is good for us to ask God to help us examine our motives on a daily basis – all of us, no matter what our situation. We can sometimes deceive ourselves about our motives – but God can help us see our true motives when we allow Him total access to the darkest places of our hearts and we give Him complete freedom to change anything He wants to change in us.

          You don’t have to participate in the divorce. That is awesome if you don’t want to. God does hate divorce. He loves marriages to be healed. But first – it is important that we make sure we are right with God and our motives are pure. He can help us identify idols and wrong motives if we are willing to let Him. We can be content in Him alone, no matter what our spouse does or does not do. Of course, sin would still grieve our hearts – like it grieves God’s heart. We would still feel pain. But we can also live in God’s peace and joy when we are filled to overflowing with Him. When we are filled up with God and our motives are right and we are walking in the power of the Spirit and in obedience – our prayers are very powerful and effective – James 5. But if we are praying out of selfish motives, our prayers will not be answered (James 4) or if we are cherishing sin in our own hearts, our prayers will not be heard (Psalm 66:18).

          I have a number of posts about idols and idolatry that you are welcome to search on my home page – please search idol, idolatry, control, contentment. Most of us have idols, even in the church today – but we don’t realize it. It’s not something we really talk about. We tend to think our motives are always pure. I know I thought that. Then God opened my eyes to how many things I had as idols in my heart that I truly desired above Christ – my husband, control, romance, happiness, luxury, children, my way, my bitterness, etc… Some posts specifically about these issues are:

          – One about a husband’s salvation being an idol is called My Secret Idol
          – “Can You Pray Too Much for Your Marriage?”

          I can’t judge the motives of others, of course. Your motives may be totally fine. I share about these things because sometimes we do need to look at our motives. That is something that is just between you and God.

          Not all pruning involves a husband and wife separating – but sometimes it does. Here is a wife’s story about that and then how God brought her and her husband back together in a much more healthy, godly way.

          God hates a lot more things than that! There are many other verses, too. He hates pride, idolatry, lying lips, haughty eyes, violence, and really – all sin.

          I’m glad you want to see the marriage healed and your husband saved. I’m glad you want a godly family. That is VERY good. I pray for God’s healing for all of you, my precious sister – individually first, and then for your marriage and family!

          Like

          • heartbroken
            June 12, 2016 at 10:15 am #

            Hello Peaceful Wife, I read your article on praying too much. So basically don’t repeat yourself all day long. If something happens with him and I feel the holy spirit coming over me to pray I pray. But that may be several or even 10 times a day. I guess I’m not supposed to do that. Sitting here in limbo in his house though is honestly driving me crazy. I am not a free-loader. If I can’t rest in the hope of being able to pray and I am not getting an answer and he is not returning, and I am sitting in his house, then it seems clear to me it is just time to move me and my children. I wondered if the time would come that I need to focus on that and it looks like this is it. Everyone tells me to stay put. Staying put makes him angry. That could be putting us in danger. So I’m not listening to that advice anymore. He has asked me multiple times in an ugly way to move out of his house. So I will. Thank you for your advice. God bless

            Like

            • Peacefulwife
              June 13, 2016 at 7:44 am #

              heartbroken,

              I used to pray “worry prayers” where I wasn’t really trusting God, but rather trusting my act of praying to do the changing of the situation and of other people. Does that make sense? It is fine to pray several times per day or 10 times per day (or however many times you feel led) if you are praying with great faith in God, not faith in yourself or in your prayers. I know that I used to subconsciously think my prayers were the most important thing instead of God being the most important thing. That is what I am trying to encourage people to avoid. I want our faith to be in GOD not in ourselves or what we do. If our motives are right and our hearts are right – then we may pray whenever we desire to. But I also believe that we will not just pray the same thing 20,000 times per day – but that we will continue to praise God, thank God, glorify Him, and pray for other things and people, as well.

              Of course you may pray and trust in God’s timing – which may not be the same as our timing. I pray for God’s wisdom for you, my precious sister. I don’t want you or your children to be in danger. I pray that God will use this awful situation to bring about great good in your life and great glory for His Name. I pray for Him to draw your husband to Himself and for healing for your marriage.

              Much love to you! If you need to reach out for godly counsel at your church or from a trusted Christian counselor who can meet with you face-to-face, please do.

              Like

              • heartbroken
                June 14, 2016 at 6:47 pm #

                Thank you for your words. Hopefully I’m handling the praying part right. It’s hard to find counseling. It’s really expensive. I understand. People have to make money. I’ve been a few times and it was helpful but pricey. If the Lord leads me to more counseling I’ll go. At this point, I really am just trying to take care of all my kids, go to work, and figure out where to move, if I can move, etc……it’s a long list. I’m becoming exhausted……

                Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  June 14, 2016 at 9:47 pm #

                  heartbroken

                  I wonder, what did the counselors suggest for you to do in the past?

                  Like

                  • heartbroken
                    June 14, 2016 at 11:08 pm #

                    He was a christian counselor, and after several sessions he gave me the number of an attorney. This counselor has counseled him in the past before I even knew him. He has counseled us together and the first time my husband left I went to him. So he has a file on him and knows him well. The result was, “here’s an attorney.” Ugh…..

                    Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      June 15, 2016 at 10:59 pm #

                      heartbroken,

                      Yikes about what the counselor said. I assume that this counselor does not make this kind of suggestion and recommendation lightly?

                      It sounds like there are pretty serious issues going on, my sister. 😦 I can help you with your walk with Christ, if you are interested. But it seems to me that you may need help from someone one-on-one about how to handle things with your husband. It may be that things are too toxic right now to try to make them work. I don’t know. My prayer is that you will hear God clearly and that He will provide the resources you need and wisdom you need to make the best decisions you can for yourself and your children. The goal is to respect Christ first, and our husbands, children, and ourselves.

                      If he seriously does want you to leave and he is sober when he says it, too – it may be wise to respect that for your safety and the safety of your children.

                      Have you checked out http://www.leslievernick.com? What do you think about some of her posts? Celebrate Recovery may also have some helpful resources.

                      Much love to you!

                      Like

                    • heartbroken
                      June 15, 2016 at 11:30 pm #

                      You are right. This counselor does not make suggestions like that lightly. Yes, things are too toxic. Thank you for your help. I have started looking at the website you suggested. Thank you for all your help. God bless you!

                      Like

        • Humbled Husband
          June 11, 2016 at 10:04 pm #

          Hi Heartbroken.

          God hates divorce. Yes.
          Reconciliation is a good desire. Yes.
          You worry about your husband leaving. Yes.
          You love Him. Yes.
          God is glorified through a Godly marriage. Yes.
          Praying for your husbands salvation and reconciliation is good. Yes.

          But all of these things can still be something that we have in your heart before God. I did.

          Personally I have been praying for my wife for a long time. But I realised slowly that I was praying for her with the motivation for her to be saved and reconciled for ME and MY happiness. God brought me to a point that I am able to see her sin and feel hurt for her more than I hurt for me. This is love. God brought me to a point where I am praying for her with a heart of love for His glory and her blessing. This is the point that I had to reach in praying in a Spirit that was not idolatrous. And I am certain that God has heard and will answer my prayers for her now.

          For me, our separation was necessary for me to fully appreciate that God wants all of me all the time. Living in a marriage relationship is not the only way that God can be glorified. God was glorified through Hosea’s tempestuous marriage to a prostitute and involved serious sin and adultery. God was glorified through the expression of His grace and forgiveness in this situation.

          Some thoughts.

          HH

          Like

          • heartbroken
            June 12, 2016 at 3:00 pm #

            HH, I do not worry about my husband leaving. He has already left 2 weeks ago. I don’t really pray for his salvation. He’s already a Christian. He’s just making wrong choices. It’s like a friend of mine prayed for me at church. “He’s dancing with the devil and rollin’ with the hogs.” It’s just a southern way of saying he a Christian who has lost his way. He has made it clear he does not want me, does not love me, and he wants me to move out. He was not nice about it either. I guess some men feel the need to make sure you know what they are saying by being as cruel as humanly possible with their words. That’s fine. I get it. I have learned through my conversation with you and with April that I am praying too much for this situation. So I am going to back off of God and him and do as my husband asked and take my boys and move out. He asked me to move out multiple times. Times in between he changed his mind. He is wishy washy. He admits it. Me and my children need stability. I hate to say it, but maybe feeling the sting of us actually gone and he comes home to an empty house day in and day out will make him see what he is doing. Or maybe it will make him really happy. But me moving out will be a very difficult thing to reverse. My mother always taught me, “never go backwards with a man.” I realize if he comes to me with a truly repentant heart and we are still married, I have the option of going backwards. But real life reality is this. If I move all our stuff, lease a house, relocate my kids settle into a new life away from him, I know myself. It’s going to take a lot to convince me to reverse all that. My teenagers would have alot to say about it too. They’ve been through a ton with their step dad. I got alot going on in my life. I work 12 hour shifts, I have teenagers, house to take care of, bills, etc…….I don’t have time to play around. I’m not a weakling. I am loyal and faithful to the core. No, I have not been perfect. Sometimes I let my mouth run…..I’m learning. But I really do not feel I’ve done anything to warrant divorce.
            I think it’s wonderful that you are praying for your wife like that. She is very blessed. I really hope y’all end up reconciling and that beautiful woman of God inside of her comes shining through. It hurts me that my husband thinks what he is doing is right. I can’t say anything or he thinks I’m trying to manipulate him. I see what you mean about God being glorified in negative situations like Hosea. But like I said, he is gone, and wants me out of his house. So, I’m just leaving it all alone and moving on with life. I’ve cried and prayed til my tears are all gone and I’m exhausted and passed out. I can’t do that anymore. I just want to serve my Lord, go to work, take care of my kids and get on with life. Blessings to you and your wife, Heartbroken

            Like

            • Humbled Husband
              June 12, 2016 at 9:12 pm #

              Heartbroken.

              I am glad he knows the Lord 🙂 Maybe you could pray for his blessing in Christ? I read the other day a powerful explanation of how praying for someone’s blessing actually has benefits for us (although that is not the motive). You see, the ultimate blessing a person can have is to know Christ deeply and intimately, to meet Him in prayer and worship and to reflect His love to other people. And love for others wants this blessing for them with a whole heart and with an unselfish motive. But the really cool thing is that when someone is blessed by the presence of Christ then an unavoidable outcome is a conviction of their own sin and this often leads to a change in their relationship with us. How good are God’s ways 🙂

              Yes, it is often the way that we lash out in anger and manipulation when we are in these situations. Your husbands words have no doubt wounded you deeply! I was depressed to the point of suicide at one point and had scratched my arms at work. My wife said “You know if you’re trying to commit suicide you are supposed to cut your wrists not your arms”. The rejection in those words is immense. Words carry powerful pain with them unfortunately and it can take a lot of healing to get over them. I pray that you are able to look past the words to see the pain underneath them. That is something that had helped me a lot.

              Yes. Once you have moved out it will be much harder to work things out. But not impossible. The important thing is to know Christ deeply and intimately 🙂 Then you can heal yourself first.

              In Christ, HH

              Like

              • heartbroken
                June 12, 2016 at 9:41 pm #

                HH, I believe the conviction is there already with him. He told me that “he feels guilty that he does not want to take care of my children.” He’s stepdad. Part of that is we come from two different backgrounds. He also said in that same breath that he feels sorry for me. Oh, okay. Not sure why since there was no rational explaination as to why he feels sorry for me but that’s not necessary. I definitely don’t need pity. But the conviction was exposed when he used the words, “I feel guilty”. So I guess we will see…….and Hey, no suicide talk. We all got way to much work to do for the Kingdom of God. No person is worth killing yourself for…..sounds like you are past that though. But just in case it comes creeping back in……no suicide. You have an awesome God who loves you. Don’t forget that Humble Husband!

                Like

                • Humbled Husband
                  June 12, 2016 at 9:47 pm #

                  Thank you Heartbroken. Yes, I am past that point 🙂 My Father loved me before the foundation of the world….I have purpose 🙂 HH

                  Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  June 13, 2016 at 7:54 am #

                  heartbroken,

                  I love your heart for Christ and for your brothers and sisters! So precious!

                  Like

                  • heartbroken
                    June 13, 2016 at 10:19 pm #

                    Peaceful wife, today I have stood for Christ alone today. In my broken marriage, in front of family members and in my work place. All in one day. It’s been a tough day. Having a heart for Christ and for our brothers and sisters is definitely not for the wimpy. It is harder some days. Today was really hard. But I made it through the day with God’s help. I’m thankful simply for rest in this moment…..

                    Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      June 13, 2016 at 10:24 pm #

                      heartbroken,

                      My dear sister! I hurt with you. 😦 I hate that today was so hard. Praying for God to continue His good work in you and that He might empower you to be faithful to Him.

                      Sending you a huge hug!

                      Like

                    • heartbroken
                      June 14, 2016 at 6:05 pm #

                      Hugs back to you Peaceful wife. Today is our 2nd Anniversary. I have not heard from him. Not that I expected him to all the sudden. It’s just hard. It’s only our 2nd and he is done. What’s weird is when he left he removed me as “Married to me” on his facebook profile. Then I noticed today it’s back on there. I have no idea when that changed back. Facebook statuses are nothing to base anything off of anyway. His last interaction with me so was painful for me so it is what it is. Thanks for all the support April!

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      June 14, 2016 at 9:46 pm #

                      heartbroken,

                      You know, I do have to wonder if he was super drunk when he left and when he said some of the things he did – if he really meant them. I wonder if he even remembers what he did and said?

                      How would you describe his general personality?

                      And how would you describe yours?

                      What do you usually do when he is very harsh?

                      How often does he get drunk, would you say?

                      How long has the verbal harshness to you and the children been going on?

                      I wonder if the posts at http://www.leslievernick.com may be helpful – they are specifically for those in emotionally abusive relationships.

                      Praying you will rest in God’s 8000 promises to you tonight and curl up in His love, sovereignty, peace, and protection over you. Praying for His wisdom and provision for you and that you might find spiritual healing and wholeness like you have never imagined possible for yourself and for your children, my dear sister!

                      Much love to you!

                      Like

                    • heartbroken
                      June 14, 2016 at 11:27 pm #

                      yes he was super drunk. The hurtful things he said, he reiterated in his letter, sober, the next day. His handwriting was very legible, complete sentences and all words spelled correctly. He get’s drunk everytime he is off work. He says he USED to be an alcoholic but is not one anymore. I disagree. His general personality is type A, he’s very generous but expects recognition and praise for anything he does for others, he is moody, demanding, self centered, critical, harsh, and seems to love pointing out everything he sees wrong in any given moment about me, my kids, coworkers, other drivers on the road, and family. He does work hard at work and is a good provider but he is very proud of that. He is not too spontaneous when it comes to money. Verbal harshness started a few weeks after we got married. It comes in waves. Now he is just giving me a massive silent treatment. My personality is, I am a strong woman, I can be opinionated and independent, submission is something that does not come natural to me. I see every inconsistency and can only bite my tongue for so long before I end up saying something. He does not like when I point out that he is doing the very thing that he is persecuting me or others for. I try to say it nicely. But he does not like being held accountable at all. I know you have an article about how to do this. I’ve tried. I am a “survivor” type. I depend heavily on God. I do not have a strong father figure as my father rejects everyone accept his current wife. I can be hypervigilant at times because I am just so tired of all the verbal thrashings. I am a hard worker at work and try very hard to take good care of my kids, my husband and my home. I fall behind sometimes on housework though because of my schedule. I am a very outgoing person around people but at the same time cherish my alone time and can turn very introverted then. After a long day of doing everything for everyone, if I have reached my maxed and someone wants something else from me I get easily overwhelmed. My husband sees this as I cannot handle life. I see it as, “I’m just tired, leave me alone.” I am very spiritual and have been told in a spiritual gifts class that I have the spiritual gift of discernment. I do notice things others do not. Sometimes other people don’t like that about me. My husband does not like this about me unless I am using it ti discern something that has nothing to do with him. Then he puts me on a pedastal as if I was the most wonderful woman alive. I’m either all bad or all good with him. I have been faithful to him through all this. Praying and trying to do what’s right. Never going out and partying and drinking for a “girls night out.” That’s just not my idea of fun. I hope all this information helps

                      Like

              • Peacefulwife
                June 13, 2016 at 7:53 am #

                HH,

                So heartbreaking to hear about the despair you were feeling and your wife’s response. 😦 But how I praise God for the healing He is accomplishing in your life, my brother! Thank you for sharing this powerful wisdom with our dear sister.

                Like

                • Humbled Husband
                  June 13, 2016 at 11:11 pm #

                  🙂 I am starting to see tiny genuine responses to true love and meekness……….HH

                  Like

            • Peacefulwife
              June 13, 2016 at 7:51 am #

              Heartbroken,

              Would you like to talk about why your husband wants you to leave? Has he shared why he desires a divorce? Or is he talking about divorce? Divorce and separation are two different things. I’m glad to hash through things with you if you think that may be helpful. 🙂

              I would encourage you not to back off of God! Press more into God. But focus on allowing Him to continue to transform you, ask Him what He desires you to change, praise Him, thank Him, sing to Him, ask Him to help you grow in this time of suffering and to use it to refine you and to purify your faith. I do think that generally, if a husband is demanding that his wife should leave, it may be wise to consider leaving respectfully. But this may be something to have a conversation about, if possible, and to share what you shared here – that if you leave and set up a new household, it will take a lot of changing and healing and trust-building for you to come back.

              If a husband is truly repentant and is being changed by God and is proving himself over time – I have no problem with a wife moving back in with her husband and reconciling. I believe that is biblical and honoring to God if there is genuine fruit of repentance (1 Corinthians 7).

              Much love to you!

              Like

              • heartbroken
                June 14, 2016 at 6:27 pm #

                First of all he is a step dad to my children. I have tried to teach my children to respect him as head of the house. But as you know, step parenting can be a challenge. He knew this going in. He’s been a step parent before. He does not feel he gets the respect, recognition, and honor he deserves from them. They do not really verbally say much to him. They pretty much ignore him unless he speaks to them. He is very critical and harsh with them everyday when he comes home. Negativity just flows out of him the second he hits the door. It even sends me hiding sometimes.

                He says I do not do enough to teach them to respect him. I can only do so much. I can teach them, give them consequences for disobedience, but I cannot force them to do anything. One of my children told me the reason why he doesn’t have respect for him is because of how he treats me. He doesn’t like seeing his mom verbally attacked and treated as if she can never do anything right. He doesn’t like hearing him say things to me like, “What? Are you dumb?” I get belittled by him a lot in front of my children. There have been times I have decided to speak up for myself and he gets very angry and says I am being a disrespectful wife and teaching them disrespect.

                It really is not my intention, I just get put on the defensive daily. He’s so harsh. There seems to be no way to please him. My best efforts at being respectful are not good enough ever. The thing is, he left very intoxicated which was scary. I was trying to go to sleep and he was so intoxicated. I kept asking him to please let me sleep. He just wouldn’t listen. I needed to get rest for another hard day at work coming up. I wasn’t interested in participating in his verbal shenanigans at that moment. I’m sorry. I just wanted him to be quiet. Then he left me a letter the next day saying horrible things I don’t want to repeat here. But he said he wants me to move out of his house.

                Then a week later he started having second thoughts and started talking to me. But he did get loud with me a few times. One of those times I was walking in a parking lot to my car with my kids. I had them get in and turned on the car. I stood outside of the car for 20 minutes listening to him yell at me about all kinds of things that were from out of the blue. He likes to resurrect absolutely everything from the past in every single conversation. It really is not fair. I was sweating and crying and thinking, “why does it have to be like this?”

                A few days later, he came over to fix something at the house, and was being cordial so I gave him a letter I had written him apologizing for my wrongs. It was an itemized list of wrongs. It was from the Respect Dare book. I can’t remember what day that is in the book. But I was sincere and I read it to him and I was crying. I meant every word. His response was so angry and horrible. I haven’t heard from him since. He took the letter with him. I am leaning on God, I am just not praying as much like you said. I am not making his return my idol.

                Moving out is going to be a difficult task. I have only been employed 2 months. Several places have told me I haven’t been employed long enough to sign a lease. I feel so stuck with no where to go. You mention having conversations with him. There is no, “call him and have a conversation.” Everything is on his terms. He told me, “when I am being silent it’s because I do not want to talk so you need to be quiet.” So me contacting him in anyway would make him angry April. So if you want to advise me on all this go ahead. It’s a mess.

                He has not used the word Divorce. But he has said, he doesn’t love me anymore, my disrespect has erased his love for me, he feels sorry for me, he feels guilty for not wanting to take care of my children, he wants to move on and find happiness. He is gone, I don’t know where he is, what he is doing or who he is with. Doesn’t that state divorce? By the way, he claims to be a Christian.

                Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  June 14, 2016 at 9:51 pm #

                  heartbroken,
                  This sounds like a very wounded man in desperate need of the healing power of Jesus – like we all are. If he is not talking about divorce, I vote not to jump ahead and try to figure all of that out right now.

                  Later when he had second thoughts – what kinds of things did he share? I would assume he was more rational and in his right mind at that time?

                  What did he say about you apology?

                  Please DO pray to God – but not obsessively just about your husband and that situation – about lots of other things, too. I hope that makes sense. 🙂

                  Was there ever a time in your relationship when you were able to share concerns and suggestions with him and he was receptive?

                  Has he ever apologized or tried to make amends when he was harsh or did something hurtful to you or your children?

                  Being a stepdad is MUCH harder than being a biological dad in a first marriage. Yes. The challenges can be incredible – as I know you are well aware. Do you know what his definition of “respect” for you and for the kids would be?

                  Much love to you!

                  Like

                  • heartbroken
                    June 14, 2016 at 11:06 pm #

                    Hi April, Yes, he is in need of the healing power of Jesus. He was angry about what I said in my apology letter. His first response was, “I don’t have anything to say yet.” Then he immediately followed it with, “your apology is not doing what you wish it would do. It is not making me want to come back to you.” And then he repeated it several more times while I stood there and listened and he got himself madder and madder and all worked up. I just stood there with tears in my eyes. That’s also when he said he feels sorry for me and feels guilty because he does not care about my children. Then he just rambled on with more hate. I stood there silent. He asked me, “do you want me to come back out of pity? Is that what you want?” I said, “no”. Then he just kept talking and hating. When he get’s like that nobody else is allowed to talk. He also said he realizes that when he came back the last time he left he had a “we’ll see attitude” and that he didn’t come back with a heart of changing himself and he said, “I admit that was a little bit unfair.” It’s almost like a manic behavior. A few days before this he was being nice and talking to me like I mentioned but also yelling at times. I brought up to him in this apology conversation that I am confused because a few days before he was acting like he was feeling better about me. Now all the sudden without warning or argument, he’s back to hating me. He said, “I know, it’s just how I feel. I know I’m being wishy washy. I don’t like being alone, but I just don’t want to be with you.” I shouldn’t be surprised but I was just so stunned. I was just trying to have a calm conversation and all this hateful stuff comes out of him and he admits there wasn’t a reason. The only thing I can think of is, during his few days of being nice and giving me attention he was also wanting sex and he wasn’t even living with us. I told him sex with reconciliation sounds like a great plan. He said, he just wanted sex and no reconciliation. So I nicely declined sex. I’m sorry, but I did not want to do something that made me closer to him and then he just leave. He also has me confused because at first he wanted me to take over mine and my kids cell phone bill and put it on my own bill, then told me not to since it was going to cost money to switch it over, now says he feels the way he did in his original letter. In that letter he wants me to move out and take over those cell phones. I’m not sure if he remembers everything in his letter. I really think he says whatever he is feeling in the moment and then forgets what he felt. And then remembers. He panics for no reason. He’s just so unstable.
                    He has apologized in the past, but that was over a year ago. And when he does, it’s always minimized and circumstances always made him do it. I don’t buy the whole, “the devil made me do it” routine. I have no idea what his definition of respect for me and the kids would be. Our whole existence is about everyone respecting him as he struts around like a rooster making demands. His arrogance, self righteousness and inability to see himself for who he is is extremely unattractive. I’m sorry if all this sounds disrespectful. I’m just so tired of the hippocracy. Do as I say , not as I do routine. So there you go.

                    Like

              • heartbroken
                June 14, 2016 at 6:55 pm #

                By the way, facebook just made this wedding video wishing me a happy anniversary with a bunch of our pictures together. That really is the last thing I needed to see. It says I’m the only one who can see it. I can’t share that. I’m sure he’s getting the same video. I really just want this day to be over. Why does facebook have to do things like that? Sometimes I just want to turn off all my social media……

                Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  June 14, 2016 at 9:18 pm #

                  heartbroken,

                  Ouch! That was painful! You know, sometimes it can be a blessing to turn off social media – especially when the pain is very fresh. I’m so terribly sorry about that happening. 😦

                  Like

                  • heartbroken
                    June 14, 2016 at 11:28 pm #

                    Thank you April. I appreciate all your attention.

                    Like

  7. NB
    April 25, 2016 at 7:20 am #

    Thank You April! This helps keep my perspective right where it needs to be.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 7:57 am #

      NB,

      It is hard to see this perspective when everything seems to be falling apart around us. The temptation is always to focus on how awful things are right now and to be overwhelmed and to miss what God is doing and miss trusting in Him in the trial. I pray for God to continue His good work in you and to give you more encouragement, wisdom, and strength, my dear sister!

      Like

      • NB
        May 13, 2016 at 10:27 am #

        April,
        I feel like God is testing me right now. My husbands behavior is so strange and yet I feel like many on here..I feel like God is really calling me to extend
        Grace and just let him make mistakes, give him space ..See, the texting with the 19 year old coworker has stopped from what he is telling me. However, he developed some kind of friendship with another woman at work. There is some texting too and on top of that he started meeting up with her and another woman ( so he says ) after work for drinks. Today is supposed to be the second time. They meet up from what he tells me at the work premises. I handled it well last time, he was gone about 2 hours and when he came home I was welcoming and we made love. I couldn’t believe myself. Just a few years ago I would have threw fit, berated him, you get the picture.
        He does act a little off but that maybe still because of his new anti depressants.
        I had a feeling that something was cooking up all week. Then this morning before I left for work he tells me he is meeting up with those two for drinks again. I just knew it. It hurt. He noticed that and started to get defensive. I asked if he could put himself in my shoes. If I just told him that I would just go out with some men and assure him they are just coworkers and there is nothing. He didn’t like that. He assured me that he is not attracted to them and it would be only one drink. I asked how do I know if it is not just him and the one woman he talks too. He said that I just had to trust him.
        We were intimate twice last night. So he said, we just had sex twice last night why would I be interested in sex with someone else ..he doesn’t get my worries about emotional affair. He keeps saying I just have to trust him.
        When I got home from work just now, I found the receipts for alcohol that he bought and it looked like he ought it for all of them, not just himself and surely it didn’t look like it was just one drink pro person.
        What do I do April?
        Surprisingly I’m not freaking out as much as I would before.
        What is it that he is looking for then meeting up with these women? He doesn’t speak the language really good so it’s not like they are having fluent conversations, from what I gather they don’t talk to him in English.
        He told me that he has this void ever since we moved here and nothing can fill it. Not his hobbies, nothing. He has this need to have friends, and since he doesn’t know anyone besides his coworkers who are all women I’m guessing that why?! In the States he never had friendships with women. He had his buddies from high school and his brothers that he hung out with. He also played in a band there which he told me he misses here.
        So this whole hanging out/ texting with female coworkers is new to me.
        I just have this feeling that I need to let him be. Just to let him get through this phase. No matter what happens. I learned so much reading comments from this blog, and somehow I feel ok. I prayed about this. I feel the answer I’m getting is to trust. Just like the message was in another post of yours- do nothing but trust. Be there for him and love him regardless. Let him stumble and fall if that’s what needs to happen. Let him see the new me in action so to speak. I berated him and pouted every time he was out to band practice or whatever in the States he still remembers it. So I feel like I have a chance now to really show the new me- not judging, graceful, loving, welcoming when he returns. I learned through his texting with the earlier coworker, remember the 19 year old, that pouting, crying, pleading, trying to control in any way did not work. Only cost us a broken cell phone and a huge fight. Or two.
        Please pray for him April….I so hope he finds himself sooner rather than later…..

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          May 13, 2016 at 10:28 pm #

          NB,

          This will require you to be tuned in to and filled up with God’s Spirit so you can hear His prompting clearly. I don’t like that he is doing this. I don’t think it is wise. I can understand he feels lonely and needs friends and only works with women and is in a country where he can’t understand the language well. I wouldn’t like that myself! I love that you see that the way you responded before repelled him and that you don’t want to do that again.

          As you work on yourself and becoming the woman God desires you to be and you focus on Christ, I do believe He will give you the wisdom and direction you need to honor Him. I also think as your husband sees you not freaking out and being welcoming, attentive, respectful, etc… that he will feel more interested in being around you.

          My main concern is that you trust God. I don’t know if you can trust your husband. But I do know you can trust Christ. 🙂 I pray God will open your eyes to anything you need to see and if you need to set healthy boundaries in a respectful way. But in the meantime, I pray for God’s healing to pour into you and through you into the marriage to reach this broken, wounded man. I pray God will use you to bless him and to pray for him diligently and that He might give you His eyes and His love and heart for His son.

          Sounds like you are in a much better place now. Continue to cling to Jesus, my precious sister.
          Much love!

          Like

          • NB
            May 14, 2016 at 4:54 am #

            Thank you, April.

            I reached for one of my books yesterday “Love Life for Every Married Couple” by Ed Wheat. It gives really good biblical advice on how to deal with the spouse who is having an affair. I don’t think my husband has one but general advice really cleared my head.

            He came home pretty quickly last night and we had a few drinks together ;-). We talked about those ladies too. He assured me over and over that there’s nothing for me to worry about. He compared one to his buddy in the States. What concerns me a little is that he says they have some things in common. Like music and scary movies. When I said that I can’t compete in that area he said that I had nothing to worry about and said “and I don’t have kids with her and I’m not attracted to her”. Then he also said I could come next time if the do it again… I said I would love to meet them and be friends. So we will see. They all know he is married at his work, I met quite a few people there and his bosses.

            I feel the calling to trust. To give him freedom to make his own decisions and to accept them. To be the woman he can’t wait to come home to. To accept him and to love him the way he is right now.

            You know it is like he puts everything into wanting to be accepted at his workplace. It’s going on a year that he is there and we went through so much turmoil with him because of this workplace. Never in his life his job affected him so much. I have no idea why. He says they all are disrespectful and unappreciative of his hard work. It is a nursing home. So I don’t know. It’s like he can’t separate himself and his self worth from being accepted there. I’m sure cultural differences play a big part too.

            Thank you for being there for me April. As busy as you are you always take your time to talk to me. It means so much to me! In real life no one knows about any of this. That’s why I feel so blessed to have found you! Thank you!

            Like

            • Peacefulwife
              May 14, 2016 at 6:24 am #

              NB,

              That sounds like a great idea that you read that book. Thank you for sharing about it. 🙂

              I love that you talked with him and that he said you could come next time. That is awesome!

              I also love the direction you are going right now spiritually for yourself and in the marriage. It sounds like you are listening to God – that is what matters most!

              Men thrive on respect. Maybe he feels that if he does this with his coworkers, they will eventually respect him more. It is a very deep masculine drive.

              You are most welcome. I pray for God’s continued healing for you both and for His wisdom. I pray for you to abide in Christ and focus on Him and allow Him to continue to transform You. I pray for God to speak powerfully to your husband and for him to begin to hear His voice more clearly and for God’s wisdom for your husband about whether to move back or not and how to handle things at work. I pray God will empower him to become the man He desires him to be for His glory.

              Much love to you!

              Like

              • NB
                May 14, 2016 at 8:18 am #

                April, you nailed it. I think he even said something to that effect a while ago. That maybe if he does all that, he will get respected and will be accepted as a part of the team. He even told me today that maybe I was right and he has this need of acceptance among his coworkers.

                I also feel more secure knowing how God is leading me in this. It is hard. I almost blew it again today by getting emotional about it and crying. I can’t believe myself sometimes. He keeps assuring me that there is nothing for me to worry about and since we are intimate why would he look elsewhere?

                Thank you for praying for us. I am working on myself and trusting. I know Lord is with me through this.
                I am also praying for all of us here…the stories of all whos commenting are so moving. I’m praying for healing for all who are hurting right now…

                Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  May 14, 2016 at 8:29 am #

                  NB,

                  It sounds like he is realizing a lot of really good things as you are backing off a bit. And it sounds like you are feeling a greater understanding of the situation. 🙂 That is awesome!

                  I pray for God’s continued wisdom, power, and direction.

                  If you believe he is trustworthy – trust him and take his words and actions at face value. Continue to become the woman God calls you to be.

                  Thank you for praying for everyone and for healing for all who are hurting here right now. 🙂

                  You are a blessing to me!

                  Like

            • ContentinChrist
              May 14, 2016 at 12:29 pm #

              NB, I read that book a couple of years ago and loved it! I had checked it out from the library and then returned it and could never remember the title to look into it again! As soon as I read the title of it in your comment, I knew that was the book!

              Thanks for your prayers for us and I will be praying for you, too. It sounds like God is leading you very beautifully (well, of course, He always does, right?!) and you are following Him very beautifully even when it’s going against all of your emotions and feelings. And you are seeing the blessing of following Him. I’m really happy for you! I think it’s great that your husband offered for you to go with him next time and that you are being a safe place for him to share with you. Praying for God’s continued blessing and healing in your marriage.

              Like

              • NB
                May 15, 2016 at 3:41 am #

                Thank you, CiC.
                The last chapter of that book did help me clarify my thoughts. I still struggle though.i need to really take my thoughts captive by the hour it seems like or else my mind does wonder where it’s not supposed to.
                For some reason there’s always suspicion in the back of my mind. That he planned something with her and will tell me last minute. That’s how he does it normally.
                I don’t want to be that person. I really feel like extending grace is what I’m supposed to do. It is so hard though. I don’t want to be repelling to him. I have done enough of this in the last 13 years.
                I need to really work on holding him loosely. Every time I’m not doing it I mess up. Like this morning. But to my defense I apologized immediately and told him I am working on myself in this area. He seemed to understand, but it did leave a bitter aftertaste for sure.
                And definitely taking his words at face value. Laura Doyle’s books really help me in a lot of areas too. But boy I always have to keep myself in check. If not I just slide into this jealousy and suspicions and that is not good.
                I’m praying for all of us.nit is heartbreaking to read everyone’s stories. Last year was a crazy roller coaster for us too…thank you for reaching out to me…

                Like

          • Lmsdaily115
            May 14, 2016 at 6:35 am #

            NB,

            Could you and your husband learn the language using “Rosetta Stone” or another program? Why can’t YOU be his best girlfriend in this country?

            Like

            • NB
              May 14, 2016 at 10:51 am #

              LmsDaily,
              Thats what I’m wondering myself. I speak the language fluently but he started to learn from scratch in 2014.Thats why it hurts so much, not that I think he will go and cheat on me but that he has this need of affirmation from another wonan. He gets it plenty from me. With the help of this blog and also Laura Doyle’s resources we made much progress from last year when we had this difficult and awful time. But yes, I’m asking myself this question as well. He doesn’t seem to have very clear answer except he told me he wants to fit in there.

              Like

              • Peacefulwife
                May 14, 2016 at 12:45 pm #

                NB,
                He doesn’t have any male coworkers or friends in the country, right?

                Like

                • NB
                  May 15, 2016 at 10:14 am #

                  This is correct April. His only communication is with me and the kids or he is at work. This one woman has either a boyfriend or other friend that plays music and my husband is hoping that one day he can get together with that guy to play music with him.
                  But to answer your question , he doesn’t have anyone else besides work and us he ineracts with…

                  Like

                  • Peacefulwife
                    May 15, 2016 at 2:03 pm #

                    NB,

                    Perhaps we can pray for some godly guy friends? It sounds like right now he doesn’t have many options at all. That would be neat if he could find a good friend who enjoys playing music and they could play together. 🙂

                    Like

                    • NB
                      May 22, 2016 at 6:53 am #

                      Good morning April.
                      I’m in need of advice today. I have very strange feeling all week about my husband. He says he was very tired from work all week. He also doesn’t complain at all about work any more. Says that things are going well. To me that is unusual, because just a month or so ago it was daily struggle for him at that place. I have noticed it became like that after he got to know that one particular coworker with whom he had drinks together. To my understanding she is new there and in leadership position. So I understand I have no control over what he will choose to do. I pray for him daily and also for the Lord to reveal to me what I need to know in his timing.
                      I want to ask you if he announces again that he will go out again with her and the other one, what can my response be? So that doesn’t repel him and send him into a defensive mode. So that is loving.
                      I usually get so hurt and shut down when that happened last two times. Which sends him over the edge into a defensive mode and into blaming me for not trusting him. He told me after one of those episodes, ” if you don’t trust me after all these years then I don’t know”
                      I prepare myself that it will happen again. I just don’t have peace lately and struggle daily with doubt and mistrust. I pray April…I ask God to guide me. It just so strange with him lately. Maybe he really is tired after work. What would you suggest I say if something like that happens next time?
                      Thank youApril!

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 22, 2016 at 7:30 am #

                      NB,

                      Well… I don’t know your husband, his heart, his motives, or what he may be doing. It would be a lot easier to know what to do if you had all of the information – but that is often not how life works. What I do know is that God has all of the information and that He has all of the wisdom you need.

                      Maybe he is feeling more respected there?

                      I would prefer that husbands not go out for drinks with other women myself. Or, if possible, that you might be able to go, too. What would happen if he says he plans to go again and you said in a friendly, positive way, “Oh, okay… I would love to come, too.” Or, “Oh, maybe they would like to bring their husbands/boyfriends and maybe I could come, too? That could be fun to get to know all of them better!” Or, “What would you think about us having them and their boyfriends/husbands over here for supper? I’d be glad to cook something and we could all enjoy getting to know each other.”

                      If he doesn’t like that idea, perhaps you can respond calmly. He already knows you don’t like the idea of him going out with his female coworkers. I think that is understandable for a wife to be concerned.

                      It also seems to me that he is in a tough situation of being in a different country with a different language and only female coworkers and no male friends. It is possible that he is trustworthy. If he truly is trustworthy and you treat him like he is not, that can be destructive to your marriage. Look for anything you can trust him about and focus on that.

                      I think the key at this point, is probably to avoid freaking out. That approach does not draw our husbands to us. Focus on becoming the wife and woman God calls you to be and making home a warm, welcoming, safe, friendly place. Seek God. Listen to Him. He has so much more wisdom than I do and He can prompt you about just what to do and say. 🙂

                      If you know he is doing something inappropriate, then your approach may have to change a bit.

                      Praying for God’s wisdom for you and His healing for you both!

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 22, 2016 at 7:37 am #

                      NB,

                      Or, you might pray about it and say before this issue comes up again, “Honey, what can I do to help you feel respected, honored, and supported here? I want you to know that I am on your team. What would help you really feel that I have your back?”

                      And then just listen. And pray about what he says.

                      Like

                    • NB
                      May 22, 2016 at 8:51 am #

                      April, thank you.

                      I think things are actually good between us right now. As far as feeling respected at home for him. He even said last week, “Don’t you think our family life is better now?” We have made good progress since I first started writing to you a few months ago and definitely things improved dramatically compared to a year ago. He does some things that tell me he trusts me again and feel safer around me.
                      So thats that. Plus remember he started a new anti depressant last month. I know he increased his dose himself. I have noticed he is calmer now..in better spirits.

                      I will try your advice. I know realistically I won’t be able to go with him . Mainly because he tells me with barely any notice and both times their gatherings were after 9 pm, and my parents wouldn’t be able to watch our both kids that late in the night. So the kids are always on me.

                      I’m struggling this week. He’s been so quiet and kind of shut down all week. We are doing well otherwise and I pray and try not to assume anything. But it has been hard on me.

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 22, 2016 at 2:51 pm #

                      NB,

                      If your husband started a new anti-depressant last month, the pharmacist in me wants to share – it may change his personality in several ways. Sometimes there are good effects and sometimes side effects. It takes about 3-4 weeks for most of those meds to kick in. So right now, it is possible the changes you are seeing in him not complaining about work and how he is handling things differently and even that he is exhausted or quiet – could possibly all be related to the new medication. I don’t know for sure. But that is something to consider. If he is on too high of a dose, that can cause specific issues, too.

                      I pray for God to give you His wisdom about how to handle this if the situation arises again, my precious sister. He knows what is best and He will show you!

                      Much love to you!

                      Like

                    • NB
                      May 23, 2016 at 12:38 am #

                      April, I want to believe that it is all new medicine. But it’s been about 8 weeks that he switched. And this odd behavior has only been going on for about two weeks or so. Ever since I have heard about this new co worker really. Maybe I’m just imagining it. I had a very graphic and detailed dream last night about him cheating on me. It was so awful that I woke up. I feel like devil really is playing with my thoughts. I can’t shake off a feeling that something is not right with him.
                      But this morning when I read my bible, a verse jumped out at me in Proverbs 3:30 ” do not accuse anyone for no reason for they have not done you any harm”.
                      Please pray for us April…..I feel awful for not being able to get rid of those suspicions….

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 23, 2016 at 8:08 am #

                      NB,
                      I don’t know what is going on with your husband. So I don’t know if your suspicions are unfounded or if it is just the medicine.

                      I love the verse you came across this morning. I would hate for you to jump on your husband and accuse him of something if he didn’t do anything wrong. That would be really destructive. I pray for God’s wisdom and that you will seek His voice and reject any lies of the enemy. I pray God will give you the light you need for each step, my dear sister!

                      Like

  8. ContentinChrist
    April 25, 2016 at 8:34 am #

    I really need prayer today for those who are willing. My heart is broken. I seem to vacillate between strong moments of faith to very weak moments. Today my strength and faith are weak. I’m not feeling condemnation for that, as the Lord will strengthen me again, I know.

    I am having a hard time surrendering my dream for my marriage and intact family to God. I do it one minute and take it back up the next.

    April (and any others who have walked this journey), how long did that part of your struggle last? Does God really bring you to a place where it’s always surrendered and you never have to go back and do it again or is it an ongoing part of the process? Did you really get to a place where you knew that your marriage might never look different and you had accepted that?

    I don’t know how to treat my husband during this painful time. The facts are that he has lied and is currently lying to me about things. Yet, he wants to act as if all is fine. He wants me to not see him as some bad guy. I gave him an anniversary card on our 24th last week which listed at least 15 different positive traits and strengths I see in him. Yet, he tries to make me feel guilty for not praising and affirming him more during a season where he is breaking my heart. I feel conflicted. Like if I could love him enough and the best, then this would all go away. I am blessing him by God’s grace, but there’s only so far I can go with that without it being fake. I feel like he wants me to treat him as if everything is perfectly normal – he wants me to thank, praise and admire him but it’s o.k. for him not to repent for lying, look at his own sin, etc. I am actively thanking him for the things he is doing around here (cutting grass, if he does something sweet or helps with the kids). But, at what point does something like he’s looking for cross the line into enabling and not really loving someone…..

    Thanks for listening.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 8:54 am #

      ContentinChrist,

      Thank you for sharing your struggle! This is a normal part of this process, I believe. Thankfully, we can turn to Christ and ask Him to strengthen our faith. We all need that!

      I went back and forth sometimes, too. Laying it down, then taking it back up again. Laying it down… over and over. I had to continue to wrestle until I could seriously lay my dreams and desires down. They were good desires – a desire for the marriage to be restored and whole. It is not wrong for us to want healthy, godly marriages. But if we are looking to a marriage for contentment, security, purpose, joy, etc… if we have the marriage above Christ in our hearts, that is a big problem.

      Yes, I had to get to the place where I said, “God, I trust You with Greg and this marriage and I will accept it even if I don’t get what I want, even if Greg never changes, even if he never loves me (I thought he didn’t love me at the time), even if he never plugs back in, even if he never leads me, even if he doesn’t want to talk with me or be around me.. I will accept it even if none of it ever changes. And if I have to sit here until I am 80 years old and do nothing for You (which was another one of my fears), I will just sit here and do nothing. You say You want to lead me through Greg. Okay. I will stop running ahead of you and Greg. I will wait until You lead me through this man. I don’t think he can hear You right now. I don’t know if he can lead. But I will wait. If You want me to spend my life doing nothing of any significance for Your kingdom, I will accept that. I want Your will no matter what it is.”

      Yes, I did get to a place where I accepted it. But there would be some days when I would get discouraged, and talk with God about that Greg wasn’t changing. Then God would remind me, “Why are you doing this? Are you doing it to get what you want or just for me no matter what may happen?”

      I don’t think that a wife’s love can change a husband’s unrepentant sin. You can influence him, yes. But you are not responsible to make him change. Does that make sense? And you certainly don’t have to praise or respect sin. Please do not praise or respect sin!

      With a husband who has this long and severe of an issue with compulsive lying, I think there can be times when a wife may need a godly, experienced counselor to help her navigate this kind of thing.

      My prayer is that you will continue to cling to Christ and that you will hear His prompting and wisdom about what He desires you to do. It would be very difficult living with someone who is extremely manipulative and dishonest. A compulsive lying addiction is a tough situation. I would love to see you have some godly resources about dealing with this – does Leslie Vernick’s site talk about this at all?

      You are going to need God’s wisdom. There are times to set boundaries. There are times to give grace. It is possible to be enabling of someone’s sin habit. And I know you don’t want to do that.

      Much love to you!

      Lord,
      We pray for Your wisdom, power, vision, strength, discernment, and resources for CIC. She is in a tough position with a husbands who wants to continue lying and who is unrepentant. We know You hate lying. It grieves Your heart. We know You want her husband to repent. We know You hurt with CIC over this sin in her husband’s life and how it has hurt her. Direct her steps. Let her cling to You. Let her see with Your eyes and hear Your voice clearly. Help her to see what direction she needs to take. Help her rest in You and be totally filled up with Your Spirit so that she can honor You no matter what her husband is doing. Increase her faith. Use this trial for Your glory in her life. Draw her husband to Yourself and to repentance and brokenness over his sin.

      In the Name and power of Christ!
      Amen!

      Like

      • ContentinChrist
        April 25, 2016 at 9:48 am #

        I had kind of come to this place in the last few days that I was thinking I could just stay and be a good wife, keep forgiving him, keep giving grace….and then this other lie happened. And I haven’t even confronted him with it because I know how the conversation will go (it will be my fault somehow and somehow I will have misinterpreted him or something). There’s no point in talking about these things anymore. So then that leaves me with wondering….how much lying are we talking about here? What else is he lying about? Am I safe sexually with him?

        Two things I’ve wanted are: if God wants a separation in this marriage, that my husband will initiate it; otherwise, I think if I do, there is going to be some major pay-back for me. Just a sense I get.

        I guess the other part of that two things is that I don’t want to be the one that does this to my kids. I’m afraid of being seen as the bad guy. Husband is a nice guy overall – very loving and attentive to them in many ways (maybe worldly ways).

        I really need wisdom on this. I’m struggling with 1 Peter and the verses that talk about how Christ suffered without retaliating, threatening, etc. and then the verses following to wives. Maybe they mean I’m supposed to stay and just take it. Yes, that’s what I really believe, I guess, deep down. But, that crucifixion could take the rest of my life.

        As you can see, the enemy is doing a number with me in my thinking and with confusion.

        Thanks for hashing this through with me. I will be talking to a godly pastor again tomorrow and I am considering going to our counselor alone. However, I value your opinion and thoughts as much as theirs, April. I don’t think you need a license to administer godly wisdom (I know you know that, too!)

        Yes, I’ve read on the leslievernick site. I know what the advice would be there. Maybe God is pointing me to the direction I don’t want to go – initiating a separation on my own at the expense of my kids’ happiness and security…and maybe at the expense of me losing relationship with them temporarily if they are turned against me.

        I feel lost.

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          April 25, 2016 at 12:39 pm #

          ContentinChrist,

          Those are important questions you have to come to grips with. 😦 I’m so sorry that the lying is continuing. I would expect that it would take something pretty significant for that to stop. Although I don’t have experience with dealing with a husband who is ensnared in this kind of addiction.

          I don’t see where a wife separating from her husband is a sin – particularly if there is major unrepentant sin on his part and she has gone through the biblical process of confronting him.

          I am really thankful you are seeking help from a godly pastor you trust and that you are going to your counselor. I don’t know how severe the lies are. I don’t know what they are about. I don’t know what else he may be covering up. If the lies are severe or you truly believe he may be lying about sexual things or that he is involved in adultery – I would want to pray about separating from my husband if it were me. But if the lies are more about minor things, it may be a situation where you may be able to stay.

          Christ did suffer without retaliating and threatening those who crucified Him because it was God’s will for Him to be crucified in order to save millions of people. But how did He respond when the people tried to throw Him off a cliff earlier and that was not God’s will? How did He respond to the sin of the Pharisees, His disciples, and others? Did He ignore it? Did He pretend it was okay?

          What does Leslie Vernick suggest when there is a husband who is a compulsive liar? Does she always suggest separation? Does she talk about a process of working through this issue together?

          How is your walk with Christ going?

          I’m glad you are seeing your motives. I long for your motives to be simply to honor and please Christ in all things. There are times godly wives do have to leave. I don’t know if that is what God wants you to do. But if He does want you to leave, I don’t want you to be afraid to do what He calls you to do as you pray for spiritual healing for your husband and for healing for the marriage and a rebuilding of a healthy marriage. So I think it depends how severe the lying is and what God is prompting you to do.

          But don’t do things out of fear. Or guilt.

          Do what you know God desires you to do with love.

          Much love! I am praying for God’s wisdom for you!

          Like

          • ContentinChrist
            April 25, 2016 at 6:47 pm #

            Thank you for your response. It is definitely interesting to me that every godly person that I speak to that I really trust to give solid advice is saying the same thing to me.

            I think if I stayed, it would be out of fear – of losing the marriage and tearing our family apart for good. Because, so far, he has never showed that he is willing to pursue me when I’ve pulled away. It’s always been me pursuing him.

            If I left, I know that I might be closing the door on this marriage forever. Well, I know in reality it wouldn’t be me, but still…..I think you know what I’m saying.

            I have a lot of thinking and praying to do, but in the meantime, I’m just going to rest in God and wait patiently for Him to show me next steps.

            Things I’m praying for: That God will do what He’s going to do quickly – whether that means an inevitable separation or what. I’m weary — I feel like these things have been going on for so long and I’m just ready to get God’s show on the road. I know, His timing….but this is still a prayer I feel comfortable praying right now.

            That things will keep being brought into the light (interesting how much has been brought into the light since God laid it on my heart to start praying that prayer about two months ago or so).

            That if separation is on the horizon, that God will somehow move my husband to be the one who instigates it. This would be much easier than having to do it myself (yeah, I know the motives are probably bad on that one….and I know it would still be ultra painful to know that he is really rejecting me….but it would take me out of the equation and lessen any guilt I would feel over the pain our children are going to have to go through).

            Praying for God to speak through this pastor/brother tomorrow.

            Thank you so much for your prayer, April, and for your advice. I really appreciate it. Love and blessings to you and your family. May God protect you and your family and hold you safe in His care.

            Like

            • Peacefulwife
              April 25, 2016 at 7:25 pm #

              CIC,

              It would be one thing if he was lying about that he was smoking cigarettes or that he was reading his Bible but he wasn’t. But if there are really big and serious lies and he won’t stop and you can’t trust him – ignoring that level of sin is not a gift.

              Greg didn’t confront my pride, disrespect, control, self-righteousness, and lack of biblical submission. We both suffered because of the hurtful, painful effects of my sin for a decade and a half. I actually did love him. I believe if he had confronted me and told me I had hurt him that I would have wanted to change. Godly love gently, respectfully, humbly, lovingly, and firmly confronts sin after it has dealt with sin in its own life. (Matt. 7:1-5, Matt. 18:15-17)

              I know of a number of people involved in serious sin who did wake up after a spouse left them because of their sin. Some don’t, of course. But some do.

              God did not tolerate the sin of Israel forever. He was not afraid to leave them if necessary in the Old Testament if they were repeatedly unfaithful and refused to repent after decades of warning. He is slow to anger. But He does have righteous anger and holy wrath that He pours out when the timing is right after much warning and much patience. It grieved His heart. He wanted them to return. But He did not force them. But when a spouse is living in serious unrepentant sin, there do need to be consequences at times.

              Of course, your husband’s greatest need is Jesus. That is the ultimate goal, his salvation – that goal is much more important than the marriage being healed.

              Yea, there are times a godly wife will quietly set a godly, respectful example. But there is s point at which it is too toxic to stay.

              I pray for God’s wisdom for you on this. I don’t have the answer – but I know He does.

              Godly wives do initiate separation at times. Sometimes it is necessary. I understand you would rather he do it. We will pray for God’s direction and clarity that you do what is most honoring to Christ in this and that you hear His voice and obey.

              I know when I just got my pharmacy license, an older pharmacist was sexually harassing me for a week while he trained me. I was mortified. But I didn’t want to “get him in trouble” because he had been with the company 20 years or something and was my dad’s age. So I said nothing until 2 years later when I left the company. My boss told me then it was too late to do anything. Not sure if that was true or not. But, he did go on to do the same thing to others. Would it have been my fault that he was disciplined if I had reported him? No. He was the one in the wrong. Did I do him or the other women who worked with him any favors by ignoring what he did to me? No. I left other women vulnerable to the same inappropriate behavior.

              There are some times we will quietly wait and pray, and there are other times we need to take a firm stand for what is right and against what is very wrong.

              May God help you see what you need to see to have clarity and to act in His power, holiness, and love. Not out of fear, guilt, pride, idolatry, or any other motive.

              Much love!
              April

              Like

              • ContentinChrist
                April 26, 2016 at 12:13 pm #

                Thank you. His lies are about big and small things. He cannot take responsibility for his sin pretty much (which includes lust issues). I think God is showing me that there is a major problem going on. God has also protected me physically, I believe, in a certain way this last week which has enabled me not to be intimate with my husband right now (even though I was willing for that). I feel like God is preparing me for something big. 😦 I’ve been feeling like that for several years now, to be honest.

                I know you’re right. I think God is calling me to lay another boundary. And I think I need to start looking for a job. Laying a boundary last time led to some scary kind of anger (no physical stuff, but just a scary kind of seething anger as his drinking was escalating that I have never seen in him before). I will be prepared for that and will not stay if I’m starting to see those same dynamics.

                We need prayer. Father, please give grace in abundance to my children as we walk through the next steps of this journey. Help my husband to face his sin so that he can find You.

                Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  April 26, 2016 at 4:40 pm #

                  ContentinChrist,

                  I pray that God will expose anything that is big, especially, but that everything will come to light and you will have God’s clarity about exactly what to do. I don’t know if he is hiding a lot or if he is not. But I know God knows. I don’t want you to freak out if there is nothing really going on. But if there is something major, I want to see that come to light. Then you will know better what you are dealing with and what direction would most honor God.

                  I pray against the enemy’s plans for you, your husband, your marriage, and your family. May God give you His perspective, love, power, strength, wisdom, joy, and peace and may He direct your every foot step. I pray you won’t run ahead of God or lag behind Him but walk faithfully and in obedience in the power of the Holy Spirit right beside Him. I pray He will open your husband’s eyes and bring him to repentance and healing spiritually. I pray for God’s will and His glory in the midst of all of this.

                  Much love!

                  Like

            • Lmsdaily115
              April 27, 2016 at 10:32 pm #

              CiC. I just went through this exact thing. Ugh, I feel your pain. For 6 months I wrestled with this and i, too wanted my husband to make the first move. But, one day, I was moved to ask for a separation. You bet I prayed hard on it. I thought I would do it 6 more months from now, but God felt I was ready earlier than I thought I was.

              Here is what God showed me, but I strongly encourage you to listen very carefully to where your Holy Spirit/God is asking you to go….

              I was allowing my husband’s horrible behavior to me out of shame. I felt I had to put my “time in” to pay for my sin and disrespect. I thought in time he would get over it and start to move TOWARD me. Instead, I realized I was enabling this behavior by NOT putting a boundary down for respecting myself. God wanted me to confront this by loving myself. Not in a selfish way. But in a way knowing that God wants what is best for me too. Just like we don’t let our kids get away with back talking or stealing, we confront it. I was too scared to do it because I cared more about my husband’s feelings, kids’ feelings, and being looked at as the breaker of the marriage (other people’s opinions) over doing what God wanted me to do. He wanted my husband to see the consequences of HIS actions and behavior and I kept taking those consequences from my husband. I was saving him from his own lessons he had to learn.

              I gave him a choice, either start working with me TOWARD this marriage or leave. It is too painful to me to put up with XYZ behavior….so far he has chosen to stay, but the weight of the world and incredible peace came over me at that point. I felt chains and shackles breaking. But it took me 6 months of resisting this…thinking it was the enemy talking, to finally obey God, all because of my fear. At that point, I realized that if the marriage didn’t work out, I could go to sleep at night knowing I did all I could and followed God’s commands to do all I could to keep the marriage together. Ultimately it takes 2 people, but God does great work even with only 1 believer.

              I pray that you can quietly listen to what God wants you to do and find wisdom in His leading. I pray that you ask for God to reveal each step at a time in His timing. I pray that you can learn to trust that God can bring beauty from ashes. Even if you don’t do things quite right, or make a mistake, God knows how to make things turn out for the good. He loves you, sweet sister, and God is in control. He has plans A through ZZZZ! You are on my heart tonight, my dear.

              Like

          • ContentinChrist
            April 25, 2016 at 6:59 pm #

            Oh, I forgot to answer some of your questions. I think my walk with Christ is going very well. I am finding more and more that He is enough — even though I obviously am still struggling with the idea of losing my marriage. He is speaking to me, comforting me, bringing me peace once I put my eyes back on Him, confirming a lot of what He’s telling me through godly counselors/friends. I feel He is carrying me each step. I know that He has a plan and purpose in this. I know He is good.

            I know what you’re saying about Christ and his attitudes towards sin. You’re right. But, as a wife, is that my place? That’s what I wrestle with. Isn’t my place just to keep submitting to this husband who is disobedient to the word? Just submit, have a gentle and quiet spirit and don’t retaliate. That’s what I see. Then again, I feel like God showed me many months back that, in essence, I am submitting to where my husband is leading our marriage as I walk this road of drawing boundaries, etc. I also know that God showed me a couple months back that I’m the only one who really sees what I’m seeing. No one else will be able to confront the sin and stand for truth and righteousness other than me.

            Leslie would say if there is no willingness on my husband’s part to admit he has a problem, then nothing will be changing at all unless a strong boundary is enforced. And there’s certainly no willingness. His heart has only gotten harder as we’ve gone along. I think the lying has even increased – although it could just be that I’m just now being made aware of it. But it makes sense to me that if he is refusing to humble himself, God will allow his heart to harden and the sin will increase.

            Like

            • Peacefulwife
              April 25, 2016 at 7:12 pm #

              CIC,

              Are you familiar with the story of Abigail and Nabal, as well as Esther and the King in the Old Testament and Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5?

              How about read those stories and then let me know what you believe God is saying about a wife’s responsibilities when a husband is in sin.

              Yes, Sarah cooperated with Abraham when he asked her to lie and God protected her. But there are times when a wife is responsible not to cooperate or submit.

              Two very helpful resources on my blog by a minister at my church that you may search:

              Spiritual Authority
              A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage

              Much love!

              Like

    • Humbled Husband
      April 26, 2016 at 7:35 pm #

      Hi CiC. I will pray for you most certainly. I understand the vacillation you are experiencing. HH

      Like

  9. Peacefulwife
    April 25, 2016 at 8:38 am #

    Just a reminder,

    I am going to add this into the post, as well…

    God has something much bigger in mind than just to work good in your own life from the bad things that happen and the trials and suffering you endure as a believer in Christ. Yes, He will use it ultimately for your good and His glory in your life. But He also will use it to bless the Body of Christ and His kingdom.

    There is a much grander scale going on than we can possibly realize in the midst of our trials.

    Much love to each of you!

    Like

  10. Becca
    April 25, 2016 at 9:37 am #

    Hi April,

    I’m glad to read this today. I feel like each time I take a step forward I take three steps back.

    Then I read these comments, and I feel so badly for even caring about my issues. Really, my situation is not nearly as severe as some of the folks here, and it makes me feel guilty for even thinking I have a problem. Like I’m being bad for feeling bad, does that make sense?

    I know I’m not praying enough. I have a hard time getting past that. I don’t want to bother God with my stupid, self-created problems. I know that’s dumb, that God knows what I’m feeling anyway, but it still feels like I’m trying to get His attention when my issues aren’t all that important. I have food, clean water, a roof over my head. My husband loves me. Do I really have a right to complain about my own bad attitude?

    My husband and I are still slogging through these issues. I have started believing he loves me and that makes him happy. I don’t argue with him verbally anymore if he says I’m beautiful, but no, I don’t believe him. What’s the big deal?? I don’t see why that even matters. I thought looks were supposed to be not that important. Isn’t it vanity to see yourself as beautiful? I’m even starting to believe he thinks I’m okay looking, but now he wants me to feel beautiful. Why? It’s like he always wants to take this one step further. Who cares if I feel beautiful as long as I’m not complaining? Isn’t not complaining a huge step?

    Another big issue he has is when I don’t sleep in bed. Why does that even matter to him? I actually feel like an intruder in my own bed. He not upset that I’m not there because he wants intimacy because – well – that’s an issue for another day. But anyway, if he doesn’t “need” me for anything, why does he care if I’m there? I think he sleeps better when I’m on the couch. I don’t sleep well in bed because I really feel I don’t belong there.

    I’m the opposite of a lot of folks. I actually feel like my husband is too good for me. For some reason I can’t figure out, this bugs him. A few years ago my husband went through a few years of what was probably depression. I stood by him and loved him through it, and he appreciates that. But in the process, I feel like I was slowly lowered into an abyss. Now he has metaphorically climbed out, and I feel like he left me at the bottom. He keeps acting like, the bad times are over, so just climb out and let’s move on. And I start to climb out and I slip back in. And instead of giving me a hand, he just gets mad and acts like “why can’t you just climb out?”

    I feel badly for him that he’s stuck with me. He gets really mad if I say that. He says my being insecure is a turn off. So I’m supposed to run around acting all proud and like something I’m not? I’m supposed to stick my nose in the air and pretend I’m beautiful and important when I feel the exact opposite? I thought being humble was more attractive than being a snob. I don’t get it.

    Why do I struggle with this so much? Why can’t he appreciate that I realize my own limitations? Why can’t I be a good person or a good wife without pretending to be beautiful when I REALLY CAN NOT feel that way? Why is this so infuriatingly difficult and why can’t I seem to pray about it? I think praying about it would just be greedy of me, and I’ll be totally honest right now, there is a big part of me that just keeps telling myself “do not pray about this – you are making a big deal out of nothing – this issue – and you – are not worth praying about.” Then I feel more conflicted because I KNOW what the problem is. It is this stupid false humility and negative thinking and there is part of me that wants to let it all go, but a stronger part feels like I don’t deserve to let it all go. It just feels wrong.

    So this part of your post really jumped out at me:

    “Because we trust in Christ completely, we are not at the mercy of other people’s plans or changeable feelings. We are not at the mercy of their emotions and decisions. We are not at the mercy of our own feelings or fears. We are in the hands of a sovereign Lord.”

    I know I need to somehow find a way to understand this and live it.

    I apologize for the long comment. You do not need to reply, and if I were you I’d be getting sick of me by now. I am sick of me. I know the answer. I need to pray about it. What I don’t know is why I can’t seem to do that, and why every time I take one step forward, I allow myself to take three steps backwards.

    Thanks for listening. Just typing it out helps.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 12:31 pm #

      Becca,

      My sister, I invite you to consider for a moment… is God concerned with your attitudes, your beliefs, your heart, your motives, your priorities, and what you put on the throne of your heart?

      If you don’t know… here are two links to lists of verses about attitudes and motives how important these things are to God. 🙂

      https://www.openbible.info/topics/attitude

      https://www.openbible.info/topics/motives

      It is not a matter of complaining about your bad attitude. A bad attitude is sin. That is a BIG DEAL to God. This isn’t about complaining – I agree that just complaining to God about our sin isn’t productive – but what we do need to do is to repent of sin and getting rid of all of the sin in our thoughts and hearts so that we can live the holy lives that God desires us to live.

      If you are not praying and not abiding in Christ. You won’t have the power to do anything for God. This is your power source – prayer, the Word, and the Holy Spirit. If you decide to neglect any of these things, you will fall – like any of us would.

      How about spend about 30 minutes (preferably more) with God praying about any sin He shows you in your thoughts – even in what you have shared here. Maybe you can read some of the verses in the links I shared and ask God to help you absorb them and apply them and to think with His perspective.

      You are struggling because you are not taking your thoughts captive and you are spiritually depleted and starving. When we do not nourish our souls with God’s presence and His good things – we fill our souls with sinful thoughts and warped, destructive thinking and we don’t have the power to change our thoughts.

      The truth on these matters are:

      1. You actually are physically beautiful. (I know because you have shown me a picture.) It is your wrong and destructive thinking that won’t allow you to accept this.
      2. Your husband loves to be with you. Being close to you and having you in bed with him probably helps him feel connected (check out the husband’s comment on the survey for husbands from this weekend about just being in the same room together being very bonding for him.)
      3. Your definition of humility is not accurate, my dear sister. Your understanding of having security in Christ and being confident in your new self in Christ will come as you spend serious time in prayer and in God’s Word and as you allow His Spirit to teach and transform you and to have control.
      4. Your understanding of the purpose of prayer is warped and toxic.

      Check out my new video about taking our thoughts captive.

      I’m glad that part of the post stood out to you. That is awesome!

      I love you. 🙂 I know God will continue to work in you to accomplish His good purposes. Don’t fight Him. Resist the Devil and he will flee. Submit yourself to God and He will draw near to you. 🙂

      Much love!

      April

      Like

      • Becca
        April 25, 2016 at 1:42 pm #

        Thank you. I will try to spend 30 minutes with God praying about sin. Oh how my mind wanders, but I’ll try.

        I do understand that I do not understand prayer very well. Perhaps spending time, intentional time, with God will help me to gain a clearer understanding. Thank you for the verses and the video.

        Truth – I don’t like facing my own “stuff” – attitudes, shortcomings, things I don’t understand. But I can see that I need to.

        Things are getting better, I don’t want to sound like all hope is lost. But I’m not growing or getting better because I am not putting in enough effort here. I know that, and I want to, but I feel like I’m holding myself back. My focus has been in all the wrong places. I need to really try to pray sincerely. I have done so, but never for very many days. I give up too soon. It’d be like if someone lost five pounds and so they then ate five pastries a day, because hey, they lost five pounds so the problem temporarily went away. But then the five pounds comes back and the situation gets worse. I need to stay on track and not keep giving up.

        Thank you for your love and guidance.

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          April 25, 2016 at 2:08 pm #

          Becca,

          Here is something to think about. I had a lot of wrong thinking in my heart and TONS of sin when God opened my eyes. I spent about 4 hours per day studying the Bible, reading about becoming a godly woman and trying to absorb it, and praying BEGGING God every day to help me see my sin, to change me, to teach me His ways, to help me see what was wrong and trash it. I didn’t like it either. Still don’t. No one likes dealing with his/her own sin. But it is necessary. And with all of that journalling, reading, praying, seeking God, confessing my sin, and desiring to understand – it took about 2.5 YEARS before I felt like I was beginning to understand respect, biblical submission, Greg, masculinity, femininity, and marriage. And it was another 6 months or longer before I began to really feel like this new way was “normal.”

          If you really want to know God and you really want Him to change you – you have to make it priority number 1. I still can’t skip my time with God. I desperately need Him every moment. I will crash and burn if I decide I don’t need to pray or feed myself spiritually. It is like eating food. We have to do it every day. Maybe more than once. Or we will be weaker and weaker until we go into a coma.

          Much love!

          Like

        • Megan
          May 11, 2016 at 12:41 am #

          Becca, I struggle with this too, falling into negative thinking really quickly. I have been trying to make it a priority to spend time with God every morning before I even start the day because if I don’t start the day with God it is WAY TOO EASY for the enemy to attack my mind and then I find it harder to get into prayer with God and His word later. But if I make that priority at the beginning of the day I find myself desiring to spend time with Him throughout the day and my mind and emotions are much more in line with God and His word. April is right we need to make it our number 1 priority. I’ve only just started to see this as a spiritual battle and how we have to be really active in fighting for righteousness. Passivity won’t do. Hang in there.x

          Like

    • Humbled Husband
      April 25, 2016 at 5:24 pm #

      Becca, only a small thing. If your husband tells you that you are beautiful then he means it. If you don’t accept it then he will likely see it as a rejection of his love. HH

      Like

      • Becca
        April 26, 2016 at 10:26 am #

        Thanks HH. This is interesting. My husband says the very same thing often. He will say things like, “just accept my love.” I don’t really understand this. I think I do accept it. I don’t see how disagreeing on what is beautiful is a rejection of love. Because you have pointed out this very same thing, maybe there is something to it – maybe I’m missing something. I feel like he’s lying to try to make me feel better – and he feels like I’m rejecting his love. It’s all very confusing. I’m hoping if I follow April’s advice and start seeking God about this, it will become more clear. Thank you for commenting.

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          April 26, 2016 at 10:54 am #

          Becca,

          I think that the issues we tend to have with our husbands are also the same issues we all (men and women) tend to have with God.

          We wives sometimes are not very good at receiving our husbands’ genuine love for us. We are skeptical. We are reluctant to believe they really could love us the way they say they do.

          Isn’t that what we do with God, too? We tend to reject His love and not believe Him.

          I think it gives us a lot to really think about – and to pray for God to soften our hearts to help us to receive His love and our husbands’ love.

          I know God will make this more clear – but you will have to put in the time and really seek Him. And you will have to be willing to trash these old destructive ways of thinking that “feel right” because they are toxic.

          Many, many husbands have shared this same message with their wives – “Just receive my love.” “I do love you. Please accept my love.” And we resist. And what is the essence of femininity? It is receiving love. Our husband’s love, yes. But we also portray the way the Church is to openly, warmly, joyfully receive the love of Christ.

          Much love!

          Like

          • Becca
            April 26, 2016 at 11:13 am #

            I am sure you have said all this before, probably even posted on it. But it’s like I’m hearing it all anew. Or I heard it but didn’t actually listen to it. Thank you for your patience and perseverance with me!

            Like

            • Peacefulwife
              April 26, 2016 at 11:29 am #

              Becca,

              I love that you are hearing things like they are brand new. That is a VERY good sign that God is bringing some healing into your heart and that you are beginning to be able to hear the Holy Spirit’s prompting. WOOHOO!

              You may want to read the post again about the essence of femininity.

              Sending you a huge hug!

              I have never doubted this, Becca, God has big plans for you. I have never given up because I can already see an amazing glimpse of some of the things He wants to do in your heart. It is a joy and an honor to walk beside you. Thank you for your willingness to plug in and to begin really seeking Him. That is the only way there is to growth and progress.

              Much love!

              Like

        • Humbled Husband
          April 26, 2016 at 7:40 pm #

          I’m not very good at explaining sorry Becca. I know that my wife had the same issue. I would tell her that she is beautiful (and I truly look at her and see a beautiful woman) and she would say “I know you think I am but you’re biased. I don’t think I am and that’s what matters”. I can’t really put into words why that made me feel sad, I only know that it did.

          Husbands want to give. It’s in us to want to (and yes, we are selfish also). One of the things that hurts the most about the separation I am experiencing is that it’s a rejection of everything I want to give to her.

          I want to provide for her needs. That is rejected.
          I want to give to her sexually. That is rejected.
          I want to give to her emotionally. That is rejected.

          All of these desires to give are tempered by my own selfishness and sin, yes. And I have never and probably will never give perfectly. But the desires are still there. And when that giving is rejected it is somehow a rejection of me as a person including when I say “You are beautiful” and it’s not accepted. I can’t really explain it though.

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            April 26, 2016 at 7:55 pm #

            HH,

            I think you are explaining it really well. Thank you for giving the ladies such a beautiful insight into the heart of a husband – and – I think – into the very heart of Christ and His pain when we reject all that He wants to give to us.

            Like

        • kesiegwart
          May 23, 2016 at 1:49 pm #

          Becca,

          I’ve struggled with this all my life (accepting compliments, especially from my husband), and I never really “got it” until I read this somewhere– that when I disagree with my husband’s declaration of what he thinks about me, I’m essentially calling him a liar. I mean think about it, if it was anything else that he said (like “Honey, I’m paying the electric bill”) and you told him, “that’s all well and good, but I think you’re just saying that to make me feel better”, wouldn’t he be offended? After all, you’re saying he’s nothing more than a manipulator or a con artist – just trying to do or say something to make you feel better.

          (Most) men are super visual, so yes, beauty does play a very big part in their perception of you. ” Beautiful” means something different to every individual, though– it’s not just a “cookie cutter” thing. What your man finds attractive in you might not even be what you consider attractive. But we need to acknowledge that his perception of beauty is just as valid as ours!

          So please, even if you’re not to the point where you can agree with your husband yet when he compliments you, at least just say something like, ” Thank you! That makes my day to know that you think that!” Because you may think it’s humble to “deflect” (really it’s rejecting) a compliment, but he hears “I don’t believe you”. And for a husband, believing him and believing IN him are very closely tied…. And he may just give up trying to get you to trust him.

          (Sorry if I come across as harsh… Trust me, I’ve learned this too late, and now I only wish I could go back and accept all the compliments I’ve “squashed” over the years, so that maybe he’d start giving them again…)

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            May 23, 2016 at 8:44 pm #

            kesieqwart,

            Thank you so much for sharing this. I pray many other women will listen and choose to learn from you what you learned the hard way, my sister!

            Like

  11. Callie
    April 25, 2016 at 10:17 am #

    My husband says that gods Ideal is everywhere except the hears and minds of men and women. He points out he has been from the deapths of the ocean to the highs of mountain tops. in times when you had to be silent for months, to when he saw the parts he made and sent to assembly that where shiny and mirror bright, to when he goes up to the rim of the place we live now on cold clear nights and he can imagine the folds of gods hand all around home in the depths of the sky.

    My husband doesn’t look for the works of god in religion or church. He does not like the idea that this or that denomination or religion has all the answers to what god wants of our lives.

    As for myself I think I am starting to see his point, God never wanted him to see to the needs of everyone else and give up his life in the process like I tried helping his father and others to force for many years.

    I always thought that those that were in church every Sunday like his father and our friends, since my husband never thought of any of them as living in gods light, just because they went to their knees every Sunday and mouth the words out of a King James Bible, Then through the week them and their wives went out drinking, smoking pot, using cocain. Then ending up in beds with other wives and husbands than their own,

    Then they would come to work and tell him that they hoped the since he was for not going to church he was going to burn forever in the depths then they would walk away laughing.

    I had seen my husband come home burnt from flying hot metal chips and acids, to think that 90 degrees was almost cold. after spending the last 12 to 16 hours in heats of 125 degrees or higher, I saw were he worked in the plant His machine set was between 2 heat treats. Every time the doors opened to admit another basket or pallet of parts the flames would shoot out 20 to thirty feet. The humidity was so high mixed with oil and tool coolant stench you could practically swim through it.

    Now his father claims he does not see what he had to complain about working every day from 1985 to November 6th 2001, Says he had a roof over his head. warmth, a place to lay his head down every day and the means to fill his belly. He says sex should not have been considered in my husbands life he should never thought he should be allowed the same as others, just been satisfied with what he was allowed.

    I had hoped when he came home from the navy in 1985 that we could somehow have a life and family in peace and love after the first 3 and a half years of our marriage with everytime the rest of the crew was getting a chance at R and R and leave I seemed to be always be approached by his CO and XO told they were sorry but the needs of the navy came first. My husband either had to go back out on patrol with another boat or school scheduals were so tight they had to fly him someplace else straight from Jaxsonville and always the schools were in such secret conditions my husband was not even allowed to contact me to come meet him.

    When he came home it seemed his father and everyone else in the area felt that he should be kept as much apart from me as possible. I was sick. Never was so scared as I was the next ten years trying to just get things to a point I did not have his father or any of his friends telling me that I just could not let my husband have what he wanted in either our marriage or in his life, I always had somebody coming and telling me if my husband was to take what his seniority allowed how badly it disrupted other lives.

    I would be threatened with my own exclusion if I did not help keep my husband in his place. I would ask every year when we could let up on him, tell those that were family and coworkers that they were having the things my husband enabled. Finally after a brain surgery in 2001 a month before 911. my husband was sent home the day after with orders to take 60 days for recovery, Six days latter I answered the door to his father and several of the people in his department, His father slapped me to the floor and told me to keep my stinking mouth shut, Several others told me that if I did not help out they would make things even worse, my husband was messing with their plans being sick, production was going pear shaped. they went to my husbands room and yanked him up dressed him. He wasn’t even strong enough for that and told me if he could stand he could work. His father came pas and I said this was wrong and I was pasted on to the floor again as the were getting him into the car. One of the wives came over a bit latter and said it was best that I did not make waves about a simple set of slaps.

    I will say there was only one time 11 years latter when I was hit by my husband, It was a day that emotions were very high, I had been seeing an old boyfriend for the last year. Before my husband came home from the hardest three years of his life from rehab learning to walk, He had again become ill. A MRSA abscess ate the disks up in his spine causing a lot of spinal cord damage.

    When my husband discovered this he was willing to let me go, even had my bags packed and the assumption of the Guardianship ready to sign by my boyfriend.

    Things did not remain peaceful when he swept my husbands cane putting him on the floor. When my husband hit me I was trying to stop him from damaging my boyfriend any farther, I had grabbed his arm and was begging no more and her just whipped his arm I was hold shaking me off. to let him hit the other man again.

    Peaceful wife I never knew of any way I could get my husbands rights or help him without getting hurt myself.
    I have found out the main problem in the society we lived in was a woman my husband was going to marry years before we even meet, His father is a racial purity nut A white supremist and most of his friends and neighbors were also, The woman my husband was going to marry in 1974 was not a white girl, she was half Hawiian native. half oriental that was in my husbands Army unit at the time, The were planning to marry at their next assignment in England. When his mother and father showed up in Texas and decided they wanted to be introduced too their future daughter in law his father was furious saying if my husband married this girl he could never show his face in public again, I guess the insults thrown at her broke the engagement They changed duty choices. and separated.

    I have seen pictures of her in a old footlocker my husband keeps. My husband never opens it. I think the memories in it hurt. But I think that this was the goddess I followed, smart unafraid of life, confidant to stand up and be counted, when all I feel I can do now is cower in a corner. Trying to think of why couldn’t I be that woman.

    Unaffraid to stand for myself and my husband, she was smart enough to realize that the culture and family my husband came from was going to make his life one of a servant.

    I have written her and she said my husband stood for himself that night and her, but she said she knew there was something sort of nuts in his father. She listened to everything that Myself and others did to my husband. I have found out recently her husband died of a massive coronary seven months ago. at age 63.She said the hardest thing she ever did was walk away from my husband knowing the life his father was going to force on my husband. She said that she knew it was not going to be a good life.

    She said when she married her Ranger husband the lived as much as they could not knowing the next day she had two daughters and a son that followed in his fathers wake. Her daughters are married but she says that she was sorry for the killing of two lives in my marriage.

    She said that I have some small chance to live a little of that life now, recommends that I do.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 12:44 pm #

      Callie,

      My heart really breaks over what has happened in this marriage and family. 😦 The dysfunction here is through the roof. What you are describing sounds like such an abusive relationship your FIL has had with your husband and maybe with you, too. And the efforts of yourself and your FIL to keep your husband from having a day off ever for 16 years – I really can’t wrap my mind around how y’all could have that much power over him and why any family member would do that.

      My heart also breaks for your husband being refused sex by you for so many years and for him having to see you with a boyfriend when he was so sick and weak. And for his dad forcing him back to work when he was not anywhere near ready.

      I can understand why he is extremely angry. His human rights have been violated and his rights as a husband have been violated.

      But at this point, I fear for your safety. I don’t want to see either of you abused or mistreated by each other or anyone else.

      Who has guardianship of you now, my friend? Would you be able to share the reason behind why you need to have someone have guardianship over you?

      What spiritual and mental support do you have at this time?

      What would you like to have in your relationship with Christ and your husband?

      Much love!
      April

      Like

  12. Melissa L
    April 25, 2016 at 10:33 am #

    Hi April,
    Thank you so much for this post and for your blog. God used your website and book to convict me of a lot of sin I was never aware of. So much of your “before” description of yourself resonates with me, especially the endless thoughts/worry and the ensuing barrage of words for your husband. I like how you describe this as a journey with phases; I feel like I am constantly taking two steps forward, one step back. I am really struggling with two things right now that I would love your perspective on:

    1. I have two young kids and have tried a part-time schedule at my job since the first was born. It has never worked well (they always give me more work than I am supposed to have and 20 hours turns into 35 quite often). I don’t handle stress well and am prone to depression so this is a recipe for disaster. My husband agrees he would rather have me quit completely than continue with the status quo. My supervisor is now offering me a different role that he promises will be 20 hours (I would take a lower level position with less responsibility to make this happen). I am really struggling with quitting completely or trying this position. My husband is leaving the decision to me but I know he does not want to be the sole breadwinner (even though we would be okay financially; he makes just enough to support us and we have adequate savings). This has always been an area where I am prone to disrespect as I always made more money than him. I also felt like he cared more about me making money than my sanity/desire to be at home (I know this isn’t true but it is the go-to lie I tell myself ). I seek God in this decision but all I hear is silence and my mind changes by the hour. How do you balance work/home and did you ever have to make a similar decision or have a similar struggle with your part-time work?

    2. I think my husband is a believer but it’s not clear to me. I wasn’t walking closely with God when we married. We go to church but not regularly and God isn’t a huge priority in where our time/money goes. I want this to change so badly. I’ve expressed my desire for us to start to tithe (we give but not nearly what we should). My husband is willing to go to church and we’ve even tried reading the bible together but it always takes a back seat to our hectic life (which is why I’m wondering if quitting my job completely is the best way to go). I’m trying really hard not to be pushy but how do I strike a balance? How do I make sure God is in our home without taking over my husband’s role as spiritual leader? A few examples:
    a. I’ve expressed my desire a few times to give 10% of our income but my husband does not initiate or follow through on it. Do I keep asking or respectfully let it go after I’ve expressed my desire?
    b. I really want to pray before meals and do devotions with my kids. Do I initiate this or is that taking over the spiritual leader role my husband is supposed to assume? He isn’t opposed to me doing it; he just doesn’t take the lead.

    I know I am not where I need to be yet as a submissive, respectful wife. I still struggle with crazy emotions due to stress/lack of self care. I continue to work on this and hope my husband will be more responsive to my requests if he is able to have more trust in me. I understand you get lots of questions/comments so no worries if you can’t answer. Thank you again for your blog and sharing your wisdom!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 1:37 pm #

      Melissa L,

      Wow. It is kind of crazy how much we share in common!

      1. When God opened my eyes to my disrespect and sin against Himself and Greg, we had two young children. I was working part time as a pharmacist in a job that completely overwhelmed and stressed me. Our tech hours had been cut in half because of the economy, and I was trying to do the work of 2-3 people in an 8 hour shift totally by myself for at least half of that time. I would come home after a day of being screamed at and cussed at and rushing constantly and just cry. Then I couldn’t sleep for hours and kept waking up at all hours of the night remembering details of problems and calling the voice mail for the pharmacy to leave messages for the next day’s shift. I was so afraid I was going to hurt someone because I was rushing so much and so understaffed. I did not handle that stress well at all.

      At the time, I begged Greg to let me quit pharmacy and stay home. But I was making over twice per hour what he was making. He didn’t want me to quit. He felt that we would have no savings, no heat in the winter, no AC in the summer, no vacations, no eating out, no fun things… and he didn’t want to live that way. He also didn’t want to sell our house and downsize. I did eventually find a much less stressful job that was a really good fit for me – even though I would have still rather been home with our children. I trusted God to lead me through Greg about this and was thankful that he didn’t force me to work more hours – even though I got a new job offer for more hours every month for the first 4-5 months after I first began to really understand how to honor Greg’s leadership 2.5 years into my journey. I was terrified he would say I needed to work more. I thought that he loved the money more than he loved me. I thought he would rather I not be home and that he didn’t value motherhood. It turns out, I didn’t understand his heart very well. That was a lie I told myself OFTEN. 😦 Such a destructive lie.

      Greg did let me decide for myself if I wanted to work more hours. I did not – so I turned them all down.

      I had also been very prideful and felt justified in being controlling because I made more money than Greg for the first 18 years or so of our marriage, too. 😦 Makes me so sad now! But I think this is a decision you will have to make for yourself. That way you can’t resent anyone else for what you decide to do. You could even try the 20 hours per week job and if that is still too much, you could quit at that point, right? Thankfully, this decision isn’t necessarily for the rest of your life. But I would suggest reading The Life Ready Woman by Shaunti FEldhahn if you have time as you make this decision. It may be helpful. Focus on what do you truly believe God desires you to do? What would most honor Him? I don’t think either decision is necessarily “wrong” but I do think God can give you wisdom as you seek Him. It may take a bit of time and prayer. It would be awesome if you could take a day or two off and just really focus on prayer, maybe even fasting, over this issue. And have some strong prayer warriors pray with you.

      2. I thought the same thing about Greg when I first started this journey. He wasn’t hearing God clearly at the time – but he told me as God changed me, and I stopped controlling and disrespecting him, he began to hear God more and more clearly. I hope you will check out the posts I have written on these issues:

      tithing

      I wish my husband would pray with me

      – search “lead” and “leader” and check out those posts about how to encourage your husband to lead and Why Won’t My Husband Lead?

      a. You have shared that you want to tithe, now it is on his shoulders to handle it or bring it up.

      b. My husband just started doing devotions with our kids this year – 7 years into my journey. Give him some time. How about you pray with them privately and do devotions privately – that is what I chose to do, at least. You can pray about this. But you have asked him about it – that is great. If he wants to do it, he will.

      Check out

      “What Is Godly Spiritual Leadership?”
      Ways Husbands Lead That Wives Often Don’t Notice

      Much love to you!!! I’m praying for balance and rest for you and for God’s wisdom, my precious sister!

      Like

      • Melissa L
        April 27, 2016 at 10:06 am #

        Thank you so much for sharing and for the links to relevant posts! It is so nice that you take the time to respond to comments. I feel like we have a lot in common, too 🙂 Your blog has been such a blessing to me. Reading it gives me a lot of mental peace (something which I rarely have as I tend to worry, worry, worry).

        Wow, your job was stressful! I had to give an answer yesterday and took the 20 hour/week position. You are right , I can always leave if it doesn’t work. I have a few days off scheduled soon and I will spend that time fasting (never tried it before!) and praying.

        Regarding tithing, it feels freeing to know that my responsibility is to state my desire and then leave it up to him after that. I feel so guilty for all the things I am not doing for God (like tithing) but it sounds like your thought is it is more important for me to respect my husband and not push further than it is for me to push the subject further and end up giving to God without my husband’s full commitment.

        Thank you again!

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          April 27, 2016 at 6:47 pm #

          Melissa L,

          You are most welcome. Yes, we are cut from the same cloth, I think! 🙂 I’m so glad that you are beginning to experience more of God’s peace. Time to kick all that worry totally out of your head and learn to trust in God and understand what things are your responsibilities, what belong to others, and what belong to God so that you don’t try to carry weight that is not yours to carry. That will make you very anxious and sick!

          Congratulations on your new position! That sounds like a step in the direction of sanity and greater peace and purpose in your life. 🙂

          God doesn’t need our money. All we have is supposed to be His. Yes, it would be AWESOME to tithe. And really, I think it would be even better to give way more than that. I know of one man who began by tithing, and God blessed him financially, and he decided to give a greater and greater percentage until he was keeping 10% and giving 90% away to the Kingdom’s work!!!

          But – God desires Christians who are cheerful givers, who voluntarily give with joy – not out of duty or drudgery – or because a wife nagged them into it. God can change your husband’s heart. You have shared your desire. Now let’s see what God will do. Your husband will answer for his decision whether to tithe or not – he is the head of the home. You can share with God that you are totally willing to do this and that you want to be a godly steward of all that you have – time, money, stuff, priorities, and everything! It is ALL His! How does He want you to be a godly steward as you follow Him through your husband’s leadership? That would be my prayer. And you can pray for God to change your husband’s heart and make a way for you to be able to give money in a way that is a blessing to God and to the kingdom by giving with your husband’s blessing and his cooperation and leadership.

          Much love!

          Like

  13. Victorious Wife
    April 25, 2016 at 10:58 am #

    April, you saw on Facebook that I’ve been going through a trial this week. I feel like I’ve grown so much closer to Christ, I hit little tests and I am able to respond in the Spirit with grace and peace…and then a larger test hits, or comes at a time when I am hormonal or tired, and I FAIL.

    I have to find a way to not allow my husband’s angry words and disappointment in me to wreak so much havoc on my responses. I desperately want God’s wisdom and the power of His Spirit to continually fill me! Each day I pray and I am in His Word and I seek Him, yet I continue to fail. Satan has no power over Him, but he does have power over me, and I must be doing something wrong.

    I am asking God to reveal any hidden sins to me. I’m asking forgiveness for the ones I am aware of, when I do harbor resentment, when I have behaved selfishly, when I’ve made idols out of things. I receive His forgiveness, I am grateful for it, and I want to walk in His Spirit, but I just keep falling.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 1:08 pm #

      Victorious Wife,

      The test you have had this week was pretty big. And scary. And very painful. You are stuck in a “no win” situation. 😦 It seems to me that what your husband is demanding is quite unreasonable.

      My prayer for you is that you will be close to God, filled up with Him, hearing His voice clearly, walking in obedience and willing to follow Him whatever the outcome may be. I pray for His wisdom, peace, power, direction, perspective, and joy for you, my precious sister.

      Perhaps your husband will cool down in a few days? But if he does what he has threatened to do – we will pray for God’s will and His purposes to be accomplished and for His wisdom about how you can best respond in a way that honors Christ and all of the responsibilities you have.

      Praying for you!!!!!

      Much love!

      Like

  14. J
    April 25, 2016 at 11:16 am #

    And God will not only work things out for our ultimate good, but our current good! In the midst of our deepest pain we can be assured as believers that He will never leave us. He sustains our salvation. He is proving that our faith is the saving kind as we don’t turn away when the battle is raging full throttle! He is calling us to lean into Him, which too, is our current good. Such assurance when we long to have Him above all else here on earth!

    I frequently have to remind myself when heartbreaks come that these are all temporary, no matter what my suffering is. I have a tendency to think it will always feel this way. But this life excelerates the older I get and I find it good to remember what it will feel like in that first moment I am in the presense of God. Oh! It will have been worth it all! And He will wipe away my tears. Pain is not eternal. Joy is eternal. May we not waste a moment of our pain but offer it up to Christ where we find our soul’s comfort.

    Like

  15. Patrice
    April 25, 2016 at 3:10 pm #

    Haleluyah for this post. As usual, this is just what I need. I’ve hurt many husband so deeply over the years with my insolence that he has gone from the sweetest, most patient man to an easily set off fussser. Now that I’m trying to change, he’s allout of patience, which is very discouraging. I just need some encouragement.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 6:52 pm #

      Patrice,

      I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you are both in right now. How long have you been working on changing at this point? Would you like to talk a bit about his responses and how you may be able to react?

      This is a pretty normal phase for most of us, unfortunately. Actually, I have a few posts here that may be helpful.

      “I’m Trying to Respect and Submit but My Husband Is Being More Unloving Than Ever – What Is Going On?”

      “Why Isn’t My Husband More Supportive As I Try to Change?”

      23 Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again

      Lord,
      We lift up Patrice and her husband to You. I pray that Your Spirit will empower her to allow You to transform her to be the woman You call her to be. Refine her motives. Cleanse her soul. Renew her mind by the power of Your Word and Your Spirit. Let her bring joy to you and blessing to her husband – no matter how he responds. He is deeply wounded. Help her to know how to bless and pray for him. We pray for him to be able to get to a place where he can hear you and where Your Spirit can heal him. We praise and thank You for all You are about to do in this family.

      In the Name and power of Christ,
      Amen!

      Like

      • Patrice
        April 28, 2016 at 9:14 am #

        It’s been about a year, but my disrespect lasted 7 years 😦 He is Very short with me and will fuss for hours if I do something wrong. I understand where he’s coming from but it is very difficult to endure that almost daily.

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          April 28, 2016 at 8:18 pm #

          Patrice,

          Wow. For hours? That sounds awful!

          What kind of spiritual support do you both have? Any godly mentors?

          How are you doing spiritually in your walk with Christ?

          Would you be able to share what kinds of things you do that triggers him and some of the things he says? How do you respond?

          What is his relationship with Christ?

          Also, please check out http://www.leslievernick.com for help with emotionally abusive relationships.

          Much love to you and the biggest hug!

          Like

          • Patrice
            April 29, 2016 at 4:04 pm #

            It’s usually my facial expressions, tone, and questioning his instructions instead of following them- I know I’m in the wrong but that doesn’t make it easy to deal with the consequences. He tells me that he doesn’t deserve it and that he shouldn’t have to tell me the same things over and over again. That he has shown me mercy and kindness and I have always taken it for granted. How in this time I have gotten two degrees but still don’t do the basic things he asks of me. My husband has a very straight an intimate spiritual walk. He seeks our Father on EVERYTHING, even what to buy at the store. I’m trying to get on his level, but I have harbored a rebellious spirit, which I rebuke right now! Honestly, I was the emotionally abusive one for years, now I’m having to deal with the consequences.

            Like

            • Peacefulwife
              April 29, 2016 at 10:27 pm #

              Patrice,

              So is he trying to teach you for hours, or is he yelling and calling you names for hours? I just want to be sure I understand exactly what is going on.

              What kinds of things is he having to tell you over and over?

              How is your walk with Christ going?

              What do you want in your relationship with Jesus?

              What do you want in your marriage?

              How many times per week is this happening, would you say?

              Do you feel that you can ask legitimate questions respectfully and share your perspective, concerns, needs, feelings, and ideas when it is appropriate?

              Much love!

              Like

  16. Deborah
    April 25, 2016 at 3:23 pm #

    I am separated from my husband of 16 years. He talks out of both sides of his mouth first wanting counseling, then saying theres no future. I have endured many years of emotional, verbal and mental abuse and mind games. Tomorrow, we were supposed to meet with the counselor for the first time to lay out the “ground rules”…After a horrible lonely weekend, I called it off. I am not ready to sit across the room from someone who apparently hates me and re-hash all the wrongs that he keeps track of on my part, most of which are totally blown out of proportion. Please pray for me. I am a Christian, he is not. I continuously pray that God will speak to his heart and things will change. Sometimes I just don’t know which way to turn. Thank you.

    Like

    • ContentinChrist
      April 29, 2016 at 12:25 pm #

      Deborah, I’m so sorry. I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone. I think you probably did the right thing with deciding not to go to counseling with him. I hope you will consider counseling for yourself, though, for healing and support.

      As April suggests a lot in these kinds of situations, leslievernick.com would be a great place to go to read. I really like her book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. I pray God will lead you and guide you as you begin to read about the dynamics of your marriage and steps you can take to start disrupting the cycle that keeps it all going.

      I pray that through this trial, you will come to a place where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your Father loves you unfailingly, that He is with and for you. I pray that you will find your security and worth in Christ alone. I pray that as you gain that knowledge of who you are in Christ, you will operate in the power of His Spirit – Christ in you. Your actions will begin to line up more with who Christ is in you rather than reactions from the pain of your situation. God will use this for good in your life!!!! I pray He will give you hope today and a word specifically to you to get you up on your feet, ready to take the next step of faith. God has a good plan for all of this in your life The enemy will shout to you He doesn’t. Believe God, believe His promises for you, believe and rest in His love for you today. Know that you are infinitely precious to God and that He is hurting and wants to set you free.

      Will pray for you today.

      Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 29, 2016 at 10:10 pm #

      Deborah,

      Yes, http://www.leslievernick.com may be a very helpful site.

      I’m so very sorry for your pain. Sin hurts everyone – the one who sins, God, the others who are sinned against. 😦 SO HEARTBREAKING!

      I do pray you will seek trusted, wise, godly counsel. And I pray you will seek Christ wholeheartedly and experience all of the healing, wholeness, contentment, joy, and spiritual treasures that await you in Him. I pray God will draw your husband to Himself for His glory. And I pray for God’s wisdom for you to be able to be the woman He calls you to be no matter what your husband does or does not do. I pray you will hear God’s voice clearly and walk in the very center of His will.

      If you need some encouragement in your walk with Christ, please let me know!

      Much love!

      CIC,
      Thank you so much for reaching out to our dear sister!

      Like

  17. In Christ Alone
    April 25, 2016 at 4:52 pm #

    April,
    Hi : )
    More of the same has been going on. In my frustration & pain I went back to some disrespect. (Arguing, lecturing, trying to convict him, not watching my tongue)
    Last Monday I was upset & wanted to talk about our living situation, etc. My husband said he was tired from work & from yard work & didn’t want to talk about it.
    But he never wants to discuss it so I used that as rationale to keep talking about it.
    There was no yelling, name calling or anything ugly. He said he is tired of me bringing it up. He said he would not be over that night & was hanging up.
    Since then he won’t call me on the phone & refuses to see me. He keeps texting “I can’t. I’m sorry” when I ask him to come over. He does send 1-3 short texts a day.
    I was having a hard time with him only being here part time, but now my everyday calls after work & having my husband next to me in bed 5-7 days a week have ended.
    So unexpected & I don’t have any idea what is going on. I have just tried to leave loving messages with no anger or finger pointing but I have said that I’m hurting & confused about what is going on.
    Is quite a blow so this particular post is & will be helpful.
    Thanks April for being open to God to minister to all of us.
    Gods blessings, grace, peace & love to you & your family & to all of us. : )

    Like

  18. Peacefulwife
    April 25, 2016 at 5:04 pm #

    All,

    For those who have my book – if you haven’t read the Appendix – there are several stories of God working miracles in people’s marriages in tough situations – they may be an encouragement. These stories involve a believing wife with an unbelieving husband, generally.

    Like

  19. Peacefulwife
    April 25, 2016 at 5:07 pm #

    From a wife on my Peaceful Wife Blog FB page today who has allowed me to share her comment on this post:

    It may be helpful for other wives in this position to read up on the use of the phrase “hard-hearted” in the Bible. It is specifically used to indicate a person that doesn’t pay attention, doesn’t put knowledge into practice, doesn’t get it, doesn’t remember. I have come to understand that if my spouse has a hard heart, when I try to pull his actions apart and try to get him to change his insensitive or unwise or unfair behaviors, all I’m accomplishing is providing him with a cheat sheet called “How to get along with me while maintaining your spiritually hardened heart”. I’m actually enabling him to keep on going as he is. A delicate balance of not pretending to like the behaviors, while not treating the behaviors as the illness– (they are only a symptom), can eventually help to point a spouse to GOD. And that’s my true goal.

    You can think of this dynamic as treating someone with a heart defect who needs heart surgery. The surgery will repair the entire problem. Can you imagine deciding to spend all your time and effort and resources on giving them oxygen, meds, rest, constant doctor visits, etc etc for a lifetime rather than have the surgery that could solve the entire problem? Yet that’s what we are doing when we fix our eyes on the daily annoyances that spring from a spouse whose heart is hard. I encourage everyone in this position to push deeper and go for the only permanent cure.

    Like

    • ContentinChrist
      April 25, 2016 at 6:37 pm #

      I like this comment, but I’m left wondering what she really means here….and I don’t have a facebook account, so I can’t reply to her there or ask her. Could you, April, clarify what she means – maybe my brain is just on overload right now – or could you ask her to expound on what she means by her last sentence?

      Thank you.

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        April 25, 2016 at 6:41 pm #

        CIC,

        I think she is talking about that our spouse finding Christ is the most important thing. Addressing sin with an unbeliever can be necessary – but ultimately, their greatest need is Christ and there is no other cure. 🙂

        Like

    • In Christ Alone
      April 26, 2016 at 11:51 am #

      This was really helpful. Thank you. ☺

      Like

  20. Sister In Christ
    April 25, 2016 at 7:30 pm #

    Our lives will not always be calm and peaceful. When Jesus told his disciples to join Him in the boat to cross to the other side, they had no idea that they’d be plunged into the biggest storm they had ever known. Sometimes the Lord is going to purposefully place us in a difficult situation. We simply need to trust God’s integrity during it. In the end, He will calm the storm. He’s got it all under control.
    (Luke 8:23-25)

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 25, 2016 at 9:52 pm #

      Thank you so much for this, Sister in Christ! 🙂

      Like

    • ContentinChrist
      April 29, 2016 at 12:45 pm #

      Beautiful.

      Like

  21. Ev
    April 26, 2016 at 9:34 am #

    April, thanks so much for this post !!

    I read it yesterday in a very difficult moment. And I wanted to know that I received your post as a love, which is truly a God’s love for His people.

    I also listened to Jason Meyer’s “The Gift of Suffering: The Purpose and Pleasure of God in Persecution” : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP4kvsrAj2g. This sermon helped me understand my suffering a lot; and it helped me to see that I didn’t deserve a better treatment than Jesus.

    Today, I feel much better, thanks to God. I’m so grateful that He cares about us and doesn’t allow us to go our way.

    My desire is to do good works and to obey Him. I know that this is the way to show honor to God. It may seem so obvious, but is just so difficult to obey when your heart is not in the right place. And it is really All His grace !

    Titus 2:14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

    Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

    I know that that there will be difficult days in front of me. My point here is to show that God is good when we desire to obey Him and serve Him with pure hearts.

    Romans 12:9 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11 Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

    To God be the Glory !!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 26, 2016 at 11:34 am #

      Ev,

      Yes! This post is all about God’s love for us. 🙂 I’m so glad you were able to receive it that way. Thank you for sharing this sermon. David Platt has some sermons about suffering that may be a blessing, as well.

      The Cross and Suffering

      The Gospel, God’s Sufficiency, and Suffering

      I love your heart to want to obey. It is impossible to obey when our hearts are not in the right place. Because if our hearts are not in the right place, we are grieving the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is our fuel and power source. If we don’t have His power, we can’t walk in obedience. It is all His power living and streaming through us as we trust Him, yield to Him, seek Him, and allow Him to fill us. He does the work in and through us. On our own, we can do nothing. Just like that branch Jesus talked about that was cut off from the vine can do nothing. But if we abide in Him – that is the KEY! Then His power will flow through us and His power in us will produce much fruit.

      I realize you are in a very dark valley right now – and that things are probably not going to be tied up in a nice neat bow in a few days. This is going to be a long haul. But how I praise God for what He is doing in you!!!! And for your sacrifice of praise in the midst of the storm.

      Praying with you and praising and thanking God with you for all He is about to do!

      Much love!
      April

      Like

  22. Peacefulwife
    April 26, 2016 at 11:48 am #

    For those who are discouraged, please read this precious passage out loud, maybe several times slowly – and just let the Spirit open your eyes and show you what God has done for you!

    Much love!

    His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

    For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

    Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 2 Peter 1:3-11

    Like

    • Ev
      April 27, 2016 at 6:23 am #

      Thank you, April !

      It’s like going to school every day with our teacher and Lord Jesus ! I iike this picture !

      … I have just erased my first comment because I felt that it was not right… I opened the Bible and read this :

      Luke 6 : 46 “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you? 47 Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: 48 he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.[a] 49 But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”

      I thank the Lord ! He really wants to teach me what a real obedience means. When He says that I have to do this or do that I have to obey even if it is painful.
      I will try to observe few commandments every day and pray God to change me.

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        April 27, 2016 at 6:48 am #

        Ev,
        LOVE this!!!! Thank you so much for sharing!!! I am so thankful for your heart to learn obedience. 🙂

        Like

        • Ev
          April 27, 2016 at 8:31 am #

          Oh, I feel such a joy, April !

          Satan doesn’t want we believe every word of God. So he tempt us and makes us believe that obeying God in everything is a chore ! And that the love of your husband is what you need for you to live. Now, how amazing is that ! But it’s only God who can open our eyes.

          This verse popped up to me today :

          Matthew 4 : 4 …“It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

          Thank you Jesus.

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            April 27, 2016 at 6:41 pm #

            Love this, Ev. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your joy!

            There is no greater joy for me than to see my brothers and sisters filled to overflowing with the Spirit, love, joy, peace, and hope of Christ!

            Like

  23. Peacefulwife
    April 26, 2016 at 4:37 pm #

    All,

    Here is another interesting thought…

    We learn in marriage not to assume the worst about our spouses. Most spouses have good-will toward the other. It is easy to assume that my husband has evil motives if I don’t understand what he is doing or he is not doing things the way I would do them or I don’t feel loved because he is not showing love in the way I prefer. But we learn that having a healthy marriage involves not assuming evil motives of our spouses automatically. (Of course there are some situations that may be exceptions for those who don’t know Christ or are in the middle of major unrepentant sin, mental illness, spiritual bondage, or infidelity.)

    But what about God? Don’t we tend to assume He has the worst motives toward us when we don’t like what is happening in our lives?

    What if we began to assume the best about God. What if we began to believe His Word even in the storms? We can’t see His plan in the moment – it is always revealed much later. But what blessed peace we could experience if we always assumed the best about God’s intentions and motives toward us!

    Like

    • J
      April 26, 2016 at 8:52 pm #

      Love that, April!

      Like

  24. Quinn
    April 26, 2016 at 7:14 pm #

    This is by far the single most touching post I have read on your blog in the last year. And after you read what I am about to share you will see that is saying a LOT. So many things you said here are like personal touches of my life in the last year. 2015 was the worst year of my entire life.

    I started reading your blog April 13, 2015. I know the exact date because that was the day my husband and I had a major blowout fight to end all fights. We concluded the conversation with the words…I’m done.

    But God.

    As we said the words to each other our 24 years together seemed to race before our eyes. There was still something there beneath all the pain. When we got up the next morning we both were drained and sad. We got into another spat and that lead to a two-day long conversation. We talked about everything. Anything. It all came bubbling out. And by the end we said the words…I’m not done…I want to fix this.

    I looked for help online and found your website.

    – Let me say the first thing I did not understand was how important sex was to men. That it was how some feel loved, which definitely was my husband. I was always turning him down. He has a high drive and I was a once a month-er. I even told him if I never had sex again it wouldn’t matter to me. (I deeply regretted that comment when I learned differently and apologized to him.) I just didn’t know it was different for men. Sadly, I viewed it as another thing on my to-do list. And it wasn’t that the sex was bad. Quite the opposite. I was just always too busy and tired.

    – The next thing I learned was what a shrew I had been to my husband. I didn’t realize the way I spoke to him was disrespecting him. It was how the women I grew up with spoke to men. I only saw his anger problems and blamed everything on him. (he gets verbally angry…he has NEVER been physical…I have and still am completely safe with him…he just learned verbal abuse in his family and that was communication to him… much like shrew was a language to me)

    I started reading everything I could on your site and implementing it. I asked him to start praying at night with me…something we had never done together before. I made more effort to keep time aside for him and our sex life too. He started to notice the differences in me, he relaxed and I was feeling better too. About six weeks later I decided to apologize to him for my past behavior. It was cathartic. And then he looked in my eyes and said God is prompting me to also apologize and come clean too. Then he admitted to having an online emotional affair from Jan to May. He said it was over and that he had ended it because we were getting to a better place.

    To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I laid in my bed and sobbed. After about an hour I heard God so clearly say, “Go forgive him. You two have had enough pain it is time for healing.” It was the hardest thing to do but I did.

    We had a long talk and decided to work more on our marriage and for the next several months, I thought we were. I know I was. It seemed he was. He was better at being calm and we talked more things out. We still had arguments but no blowouts which were the regular before. Then one night in October I just felt something was off. I can’t explain it but I knew I needed to check our phone records. I firmly believe what I found was God’s prompting to fix the mess of our marriage once and for all. Because what I found was from July to October two phone numbers had a ton of calls to them. Numbers I didn’t know in a town about two hours away. When I confronted him I found out he was having emotional affairs with two different new women online. He was viewing porn with one of the women and his relationship with her was sexting. She lived in another country. The other woman…sigh….this still hurts to say….the other woman lived two hours away and he told me he fell in love with her and was going to tell me the next day he was leaving me for her. Then he said I will always love you but I am not IN love with you anymore. (for clarity he never met any of these women in person…it was all online/phone…not that it made it hurt any less)

    I was blindsided. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I thought we were working things out. He prayed nightly with me! How could a praying man do this to his wife?! His level of deception was so deep. I didn’t know who this man was. The man I knew would never…I…it…huge sigh…

    I cried and screamed for a good few hours at him. I have never felt that kind of hurt in my life.

    But God.

    Remember how I said I felt the feeling I had to look up the phone records was God’s prompting to fix the mess we called a marriage once and for all? Well, I can say without a doubt it WAS indeed God’s hand of intervention. April, I think when I sought out your site in April (I don’t think that is an ironic coincidence either!) that God was preparing me then for what He knew I was going to have to endure in the months ahead. By reading your site I started to pray, really pray for my marriage and my husband. Remember my husband and I were praying nightly together, too. How you pray to God while cheating I still don’t understand but that is between him and God. I do think though God used it as a chance to be in my husband’s heart. It was an opening. And my prayers gave God more room to work as well.

    The next part I am about to explain no one around me understands. I am hoping as I share it here that in this atmosphere it will be understood. Less than 48 hours after I was leveled by my husband…God settled on me in a way I could never begin to put into words. He gave me complete peace. He healed all that pain in an instant. It was gone. What I was left with was this deep, unabiding love that God spoke to me was how He felt for my husband. I still can’t say that without crying. God let me feel, truly feel, the love He feels for my husband. His deeply wounded and abused child. He then spoke to me and said, “I want you to have the same compassion for him that I do. He is hurting from the lifetime of abuse inflicted on him by his family. He needs to come back to me and I am going to use you to (help him) do that. I want you to go to him and forgive him.”

    Now remember I had been asked to do this back in May too when I learned of the first affair. I remembered how confused I was to be asked to do that but I saw God work through it then so I chose to trust God again. I will never forget the look on my husband’s face when I said, “I don’t like what you did and you hurt me beyond comprehension but I forgive you. God has given me a deep compassion for you and I see the pain in you differently now. I still love you. I see the man God knows you can be and I think your leaving would be a huge mistake. I think God has so much better for us. But if you don’t love me anymore that is your choice but God loves me and I him so I will be okay.”

    His eyes got as big as saucers and his hard shell exterior melted into sobs. I’ve never seen my husband cry like that. He started to say, “Dear God what have I done?! What have I done to this woman I love so much?! What happened to me?!” over and over. It was like a literal blindfold was taken off of him and he saw me again. Then he saw his sin. He was so distraught. I kid you not when I say I think I heard some demons screaming for cover as the Holy Spirit descended on us.

    Fortunately, our pastor was coming over within the hour to pray and talk with us. When he walked in the door he said to my husband, “Well brother, long time no see…it is good to see YOU again.” Our pastor and my husband are walking partners. And the day I felt the prompting to look for the phone records was the day my husband admitted to our pastor on their walk that he didn’t love me anymore and that two days later he was going to tell me that and leave me. He didn’t tell our pastor about the affairs on the walk though. But God told our pastor. Our pastor started praying after their walk fervently for our marriage. He stormed the gates of heaven on our behalf and I think that is why I felt the urging to look for the records and that was how it all came tumbling down.

    PRAYER CHANGED EVERYTHING.

    So on the day the enemy had planned for my husband to leave and to destroy our marriage for good…ended up being our day of redemption. PRAISE BE TO GOD! It was instead the day I forgave him and the day my husband was freed from demonic oppression. If you ask my husband now he will tell you, he felt like he was literally blinded. He still can’t fathom how it got so bad. How he did what he did. But that is the enemy’s game…little here, little there until you are so deep in the pit you don’t see the light of day anymore and you somehow don’t think you need to ever again.

    So how has it been since then?

    My husband and I have spent the last six months going through some DEEP healing. We have done counseling and continue each day to understand our “new” marriage, the new ways of coping with life and ourselves as individuals. We had to learn how to talk to each other, be real and love again. We went through a honeymoon period where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and wanted to be with each other every moment we could. Then we were tested with a lengthy time of not being able to have sex (read below) and we had to level up again in our emotional relationship and friendship.

    We still have times when we have to crush the enemy all over again and realize he is still trying to take us down. We have gotten better though at seeing it now and we act on crushing him together. We still pray nightly together and we see how He continues to work through those prayers. We both know we will always have this pain in our past but it does not define our present. It is part of our story that we use to now help others. I often get asked if I really was delivered of the pain that fast. Yes, I truly was. God did a miracle for me. Do I feel sadness that we had to go through this? Yes, I sure do. Do the things I wish I didn’t know pop in my head at times? Yes, they do. So no it is not all sunshine and rainbows but without the dark clouds and storms we wouldn’t appreciate the sun (Son) as much now would we? 😉 I choose to remember that God has a plan for us. And whatever that plan is required me to trust God quickly. He had a reason for needing us to work through this all so fast. Whatever that reason is only God knows but I sure am not going to get in the way of whatever it is by holding on to past hurts. It serves me no good in my present day or my future.

    What really makes the biggest difference, and always will, is handing the reins over to God. Doing things His way and not ours. Dig deep into your relationship with God and let nothing and no one interfere with that. Even your spouse. If I had accepted my husband saying he didn’t love me, if I had let the enemy keep whispering to me, if I had not read April’s words and taken them to heart, if I had not allowed God to change ME first…NONE of this would have happened the way it did. I am 100% sure of that. I would be divorced right now. Even if that worst case scenario had happened I still would have been okay though because I have my God and I need nothing else. *tears of joy* I didn’t know that before April 13, 2015. I was raised with God from birth but I never truly knew Him until this last year.

    And I needed Him this last year like I never have before. While I was going through all this I had many other horrific life events going on as well. Illness in my body, deaths of parents, the beginning of our empty nest, and we ended the year with my husband recovering from a very serious car accident.

    April, when you used the analogy of marriage being like a car accident down a deep ravine…that is what hit my heart the most.

    Six weeks after the betrayal and reconciliation, my husband’s car hydroplaned on a wet road, spun into a pole and went down the ravine toward the river. If he hadn’t hit the pole the fire chief said he would have gone IN the river. Our 18-year-old son watched the whole accident happen as he was in the car behind my husband. It took 10 firemen to secure the car as it hung on the ravine to keep from sliding down the wet, muddy ground into the river. It was downpouring and there was a power line that he took down went he hit the pole. The first man on the scene and my son both stepped on this line without knowing it was there as they tried to get to my husband before first responders got there. Thank God the line was not live. It took them almost two hours to extricate my husband from the car.

    The passenger side door was resting next to his right side because it was the side that hit the pole. The passenger seat was demolished. The passenger seat I would have been sitting in if not for a stomachache that kept me from going with that night. They had to use the jaws of life to remove the roof and take him out that way. With both lungs collapsed, eight broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder. Miraculously, that was all of his injuries. He didn’t hit his head, he had no cuts or bleeding, no broken limbs… unreal considering what the car looked like. When you looked at him he looked normal. He was in ICU for three days and I never left his side. I spent the next four weeks nursing him back to health at home and then he slowly returned to work. That time together while he healed was precious. So many conversations and so much love shared. My husband has now made a full recovery.

    Just like our marriage.

    We were down that ravine. Deep down there with the rain pouring on us and the mud keeping our marriage “car” stuck. We were refusing to see how the other was hurt because we were so focused on ourselves at the time. And we both had very little focus on what God wanted for us despite calling ourselves Christians. I could have wallowed in the pain my husband caused me but the truth is I hurt him too. I know what I did to him was not the betrayal of affairs but the way God worded it to me was like this…

    “His sin is no worse than yours. Sin is sin. You both have been deeply hurt by life and by each other. Enough is enough. It is time for you both to heal and get onto the plans I have for you.” It took the true First Responder to deliver us out of it but we had to reach up for His hand first before He could get a good grip and pull us out of the mud.

    We realize that on that dark, rainy night things could have gone so much differently. If I had been with, if he had gone in the river, if our son had stepped on a live wire…so much could have changed. Before my husband left the house that night I had a sinking feeling something wasn’t right. (Being an intercessor I get these feelings often.) I went to God in prayer and asked him to watch over my boys and give them safe travel… to send his angels of protection with them… I have no doubt those very angels are why my husband and son sit with me still today. It is the power of prayer that changes lives.

    I had someone say to me, “Well if God really answered your prayers then He would have kept your husband from getting in the accident at all.” Oh, this reaction always makes me so sad. It is the refusal to see that life can’t be all good. It is from hurt souls who think following God means everything will be good and if it’s not then God failed. Oh sweet sister or brother we live in a fallen world. Bad stuff happens unfortunately. God is the one that helps us endure those things though! And He uses them for good! So much good came from the accident.

    Of course I wish it hadn’t happened!! But that accident pushed us closer together as a family. It healed a broken relationship that I can’t mention here. It gave ME a renewed zest for life because nothing makes you appreciate life more than seeing a mangled car in a junkyard that could have been where you took your last breath. Honestly, there are too many things to mention. That is not even mentioning the ways it helped others that we don’t know about. The same goes for the affairs. Much good came from that mess coming to light. I have a strong, healthy and happy marriage now. We have a very active sex life and we both speak respectfully to each other now. We are able to help others now who are going through what we did. GOOD came from it all…because of God.

    If I can encourage anyone else who is going through the trenches (so appropriate you named it that, April, because it is exactly the word I always use) with something it would be this… pray, trust God and don’t ever be afraid to do what God asks of you… even the REALLY hard, unimaginable things… pray through them if it is only way you can get through it. If He is asking it of you then there is a good reason you need to do it. And remember that thing you are praying for may only happen if you do that hard thing He is asking first.

    Sometimes we truly hold the answer to our prayers in our own hands and until we act we won’t see it happen. If I had argued with God about how “entitled” I am to my pain or refused to see my husband with God’s eyes of compassion… I WOULD HAVE MISSED OUT. I would still be wallowing in that trench full of bitterness, pain, and misery. And I would have denied myself, my husband, our children, our pastor, family, and anyone who hears our story from seeing God’s amazing power at work! If I had not forgiven, as brutally hard as that was, I wouldn’t be able to share this amazing testimony today and maybe touch more lives.

    God is always waiting it the wings to get to work. He isn’t the problem. We are. Our life is completely different now and IT ALL STARTED WITH ONE PERSON… ME. I laid down my idols and dreams… and found God had bigger, better, and more amazing things for me than I ever could’ve imagined. But none of it could happen until I gave him the reins and did as He asked. Even when it made no sense whatsoever to me. And for the record I’m working through another trench currently. It is a deeply painful one. It likely won’t go the way I am praying and I may have to be okay with that. Here is where past trenches can help you… you know you will survive… you know there are better days ahead….and you know where to look for help. UP.

    You are all in my prayers. May God fill you with peace, understanding and love.

    And April, girl, I can’t wait to hug on you one day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a mentor to me. You truly changed my life. Words can never express what you, my sweet sister, mean to me.

    **I am sorry this is so long. It is just a very long story. 🙂

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 26, 2016 at 8:19 pm #

      Quinn,

      WOW!

      I can’t hardly see to type for all the tears of amazement over the pain y’all have experienced, but then what God has done in your life!!!! WHAT JOY to get to hear your story! And how crazy that you have literally experienced the car wreck down in the deep ravine. This all just blows my mind and makes me just have to PRAISE AND THANK GOD!!! HE IS SO GOOD!

      My sister!!!!!! THANK YOU for sharing your story! I am totally overwhelmed with God’s goodness and the work He has done in your heart, your husband’s heart, your marriage, and in your family!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Your faith is the faith of one who has been through the fire and has been severely tested and has been purified and refined – it is SO BEAUTIFUL AND HONORING TO CHRIST!

      I pray for God’s continued glory and for His strength for you both, that your faith might increase, that you might walk in obedience and in the power of God’s Spirit, and that God might use this new mess to bring incredible beauty and honor to Himself and blessing to you and your family, my sweet sister.

      What an honor that God has allowed me to get to participate in the way He has poured into your life. I feel like the most blessed woman on the planet that God allows me to see miracles like this! WOW!!!!!!

      I can’t wait to hug you, too!!!! And to hear all about every detail of what God has done and how He has used your story to touch many others.

      You know I have to ask you – would you consider praying about whether God might desire me to share your story with our sisters here? What an incredible blessing to get to hear all that you have shared.

      Much love to you!!!!!!

      April

      Like

      • Quinn
        April 27, 2016 at 5:07 pm #

        I’m not even sure how to begin to reply to all of these truly beautiful comments. I sat in tears reading them as well. God is amazing. Even with all I’ve experienced in life, and it has been a rough one, I never cease to be amazed by God. He always knocks my socks off and dazzles me. I anxiously await seeing what He has in store for me, for us, next.

        I don’t typically comment on blogs but last night it was a burning desire in my heart that I needed to share our story. Now I see why. I am deeply humbled that God touched so many people through those words. And yes, please share the story with my full approval. If it helps more people then God will be glorified! Praise be!

        Yes, I indeed have been put through the refining fire, so very many times. This was only one story of one fire. My life is one that when I share it people don’t believe me that one person could experience so much. It has been amazingly difficult and I take great strength from the book of Job. I wish I could say I never decided to walk away from God but I did once, after a miscarriage, I shook my hands at God in anger and refused to acknowledge Him for about two months. And even though I was ready to claim atheism…He NEVER left my side. He pursued me and gave me so many signs He was there waiting for me to turn back to Him. He knew I was in deep pain and I didn’t mean what I was saying. When I went through that fire I came out with a strength in my faith that I have never let go of no matter what gets thrown at me now. I will NOT give up my Lord, my Savior, my Reedemer or MY faith…no one and nothing can take that from me….it is MINE.

        Thank you for your prayers. I do appreciate them so very much. I will be okay. I will walk through this current trench/fire/mess and come out the other side too. And there will be another fire after that one. It is the human experience. And it was what I referred to before. It makes me sad when people blame it on God. It is this fallen world to blame. So when we dismiss God, the one who saves us from it, we guarantee nothing will change. That breaks my heart to watch. Yes, my life has, pardon my french, sucked in many ways. BUT GOD. Even the worst of it was made better by Him walking with me through it. He covers me through the fires so I don’t walk out with even one cinged hair. Not one! That amazes me! Yet when we fight through on our own strength, we reek of smoke, our throats burn from screaming, our body is weak from clawing at the mud and that only makes the trench deeper. Plus when the next fire approaches, which it assuredly will, you haven’t recovered from the first. It is an awful struggle to try to do anything in our own power. It is a losing battle. I find it better to kneel right there in the mud in prayer, keep my eyes up and always looking at the light above me. And yes, it is painful, to sit in a muddy pit alone, scared and cold but I know it won’t last forever. (plus I’m not really alone…He is there) There is something to learn in that trench/fire time. And whoever the person is that God uses to pull me up from the pit…they needed to learn something too. Our fires are not always about us alone. Sometimes we go through things to help another along their journey. I’ve seen it so many times I know it to be true. The comments here being proof yet again. Let us praise His name!

        After re-reading that I think I need to add…I am by no means “perfect”…my word how I hate that word. Perfection is best left to God. I still sit in that mud sometimes praying, “Lord, why?! Why! Why! Why!” in a most annoying, whiny voice. The thing I have chosen to do differently is I only allow myself five minutes of whining and then I have to get on with His way. Most of the time I hear myself and stop well before five minutes. I do believe I have even heard God laughing under His breath at how ridiculous I sound. lol That usually wakes me up pretty quick too. Much like my dear children, who sometimes earned a laugh during a temper tantrum too, I didn’t let them get away with poor behavior. I loved them through it, taught them better coping mechanisms, and I know God does the same for me.

        I want to add a scripture that helps me and I pray will help others here…my prayers are with you all…my heart is full of the potential God has for each of you…I FEEL IT…believe in yourself…build on your faith…let NO ONE take it from you…trust the Lord…tell doubt, self hatred and all other negatives to get packing…God has SO MUCH better for you. I’m no more important than any of you…He loves us all equally and is ready and waiting to bless your socks off too! Just hand Him the reins.

        Psalm 40:1-3 (NLT)

        1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
        and he turned to me and heard my cry.
        2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
        out of the mud and the mire.
        He set my feet on solid ground
        and steadied me as I walked along.
        3 He has given me a new song to sing,
        a hymn of praise to our God.
        Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
        They will put their trust in the Lord.

        Verse 3…He has given me a new song to sing. God speaks to me through music. He soothes my mind and fills my heart. It is an instant way to change the atmosphere in our home too. God inhabits the praises of His people! Sing to your Lord if you don’t know what to pray. He will meet you there.

        Here are a few that have really helped me. I pray they will bless others as well.
        http://www.klove.com/music/artists/plumb/songs/i-cant-do-this-lyrics.aspx

        http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/francescabattistelli/choosetolove.html

        http://www.klove.com/music/artists/sanctus-real/songs/pray-lyrics.aspx

        http://www.klove.com/music/artists/third-day/songs/cry-out-to-jesus-lyrics.aspx

        http://www.klove.com/music/artists/mercyme/songs/word-of-god-speak-

        http://www.klove.com/music/artists/for-king-country/songs/shoulders-lyrics.aspx

        http://www.lyricsbox.com/travis-cottrell-in-christ-alone-lyrics-k9wkz3z.html

        These three are the most meaningful to me…these are songs that still bring me to tears. God is good.
        http://www.klove.com/music/artists/among-the-thirsty/songs/i'd-need-a-savior-lyrics.aspxlyrics.aspxhttp://www.klove.com/music/artists/third-day/songs/i-need-a-miracle-lyrics.aspxhttp://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/thirdday/revelation.html

        Goodness! I promise all my comments won’t be so long. lol This is just a topic that hits my heart so deeply. I hate to see anyone hurting and if I can help in some small way to lessen the pain…I want to do that. I lift you all in prayer and ask God to pour abundant blessings down on you, to lift you out of your pits and let you feel His love surround you.

        April, I look forward to the hugs and long talk my sweet sister. *smile* Much love to you as well!

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          April 27, 2016 at 8:25 pm #

          Quinn,

          I’m so glad you obeyed God’s prompting and shared your story. 🙂 THANK YOU SO MUCH for allowing me to share! I can post it anonymously – and if there are things you or your husband would like me to remove, I can do that, also. I will try to remove any identifying details, if you would like. OOH! I AM SO EXCITED TO SHARE THIS!!!!!!!

          Thank you for allowing God to pour these heavenly treasures through you and splatter them all over all of us – drenching us with His goodness as if we were standing under Niagra Falls. 🙂

          Much love, my dear sister!!!!!

          Please let us know how we may pray for you and encourage you. 🙂

          Like

          • Quinn
            April 28, 2016 at 11:22 am #

            April,

            I am glad I obeyed and shared as well. I can’t begin to tell you how talking with everyone here has lifted me the last couple days. To give back. To be an understanding ear. To pray…oh my prayer time has been so sweet. The worship I feel in my heart for the hurting here has drawn me closer to my Lord. I have chronic illnesses and they cause me a lot of insomnia. I don’t sleep longer than 3 hours at a time. But last night I slept for almost 8 hours. *tears* God is good.

            As far as re-posting…when I wrote it I was careful to what I said and how I worded things. I knew I was sharing with the world when I hit publish. It is all right here so I don’t see much difference when it goes to post. 🙂 So I am going to leave the editing between you and God. I believe He will direct you to anything that needs to be adjusted. As far as posting anonymously Quinn is already a pseudonym so it is fine if you use it or not. I trust God will give you the right way it should be shared.

            I absolutely ADORE the beautiful way you described God pouring out heavenly treasures as if we are standing under Niagara Falls! What an awesome visual picture that gave me!! I wish I had that as an actual painting to hang here in my office. LOVE IT!!!

            You may pray for me by asking God to help me with three situations I am struggling with. One I can’t mention here and it is the deeply painful trench I referenced before. The second is my chronic illnesses. The third is I am trying to figure out what is my act two. My youngest is graduating college in June. We will be empty nesters very soon. I am okay with this next stage in life but I don’t know what I am going to do with myself now. I have been a SAHM for 22 years. I homeschooled. My world has been completely centered on my family for so many years I am not sure what to do next. I have some ideas but nothing jumps out as “it”. I so desperately want to figure it out so I can start pursuing it. I feel like I need this. I need some purpose again. Something to get excited about getting up for and accomplishing each day. I’m a very organized person so my house maintains itself. No big projects to accomplish around here. I’d love to do something that makes a bit of money so my husband and I can travel together. It is something we couldn’t do as a one income family. I have to find something I can do from home though because of my chronic illnesses. I can’t seem to figure this out and prayers would mean so much. Thank you for asking and offering!

            Much love and hugs to you too!!!

            Like

    • Humbled Husband
      April 26, 2016 at 8:19 pm #

      Oh. Oh my. Oh wow. No words can express what I am going through reading this

      Like

    • Becca
      April 26, 2016 at 9:31 pm #

      Wow.

      Very humbling. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

      I will pray for your current situation. I once heard a sermon on prayer, and I remember the Pastor saying “remember past victories.” Just as you said here.

      You are in my prayers.

      Like

      • Quinn
        April 27, 2016 at 5:15 pm #

        Thank you for your prayers, Becca. They mean so much to me.

        Yes, pulling on past victories is definitely powerful. It is where testimonies come from and God is glorified. Isn’t it amazing how life works? Our stories connect and intertwine us. What helps one of us get through helps all of us in a vast number of ways as God uses it for His good. And ours!

        You are in my prayers as well.

        Like

    • Humbled Husband
      April 26, 2016 at 9:32 pm #

      I have to write again.

      Quinn your story has touched me like nothing else I’ve ever read. Your story is used by God today to encourage me in a deep, deep way.

      My own story begins in April 2015 also.
      My own story involves emotional affairs from my wife and still does.
      I understand your pain implicitly.
      I glorify God for your forgiveness with my whole heart.

      I can’t put into words the worship in my heart at the moment. I am praying that God’s Spirit will take that worship and show you just how much your story means to me at the moment. The encouragement it has given me today to look again to God in trust for all that is still to come.

      Romans 8 speaks of being unable to say the words in our heart but the Spirit says them for us. May He speak to you today in thanksgiving for what He has shared through you.

      You really have no idea what it means to me.
      Really. I want to write a million words at the moment but I don’t know what to write.

      Oh Lord you are awesome. Awesome. Praise you.

      Oh wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        April 26, 2016 at 9:42 pm #

        HH,
        It brings more tears of joy to my eyes to watch your response to Quinn. God is SO good! And He allows us to walk this journey together as a Body to encourage, bless, exhort, pray for, love, and help each other. Now His goodness pours and overflows from Quinn’s life into all of ours – increasing our faith, wonder, and awe at God – increasing our ability to trust Him in our own trenches. The Body is built up! God’s kingdom reigns more powerfully in each of our hearts. Our passion for Him grows. We long to walk in obedience more ourselves. We see the beauty of holiness and abiding in Christ and obeying God when we don’t understand. We each want to hear His voice more clearly.

        I can see the faith glowing and burning brighter in your heart already – as you catch a glimpse of the powerful ways God can turn a nightmare into a beautiful, powerful, God-glorifying testimony.

        Lord,
        I just praise and thank you and rejoice with ALL my heart tonight and can’t wait to see – with eager anticipation – all that You have in store for everyone here.

        Amen!

        Like

      • Quinn
        April 27, 2016 at 6:07 pm #

        HH ~

        **I want to be very careful how I respond here. I take great care in speaking with a fellow brother in Christ. Having gone through what I have I am extra careful when speaking to all men. I do not want to ever cross any lines or appear to be preaching to you. I do pray the words that come to me next would be Holy Spirit inspired, edifying to the Lord and not give either of us any pause to discomfort. I hope that makes sense and is viewed with right lense/heart.

        I am not sure how to even begin responding. I completely understand what you meant about wanting to write a lot but not knowing what to write. I’m not one to being prone to speechlessness either. Clearly, if you made it through my comment you know that too! haha

        Your comments have brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. When I felt the burning need to comment last night God clearly had you specifically in mind. I love to see how He will touch a life so individually that way. What an amazing God we serve!

        I am so sorry to hear that our lives were both following such a dark path at the same time. The pain of affairs is devastating. I think to some degree emotional affairs hurt even more because the person you pledged your life to gave their heart to another. The heart that was vowed to belong only to you.

        My dear brother, I am deeply saddened that it is still going on for you. How that breaks my heart.

        May I ask does she know you know about the affairs? If you don’t want to answer that I understand. I also apologize if this is something that has been discussed in other comment threads. I don’t always have time to read them all. I want to be sure I know how to pray for you. If she is aware, and still continues in that sin, that that needs to be prayed for specifically.

        I’m not sure how to word this but yes the Spirit most assuredly gave me a song of thanksgiving and a burst of joy today. These comments from everyone were simply amazing. There is so much feeling jumping off the screen at me. So many wows and hearts touched. I am left with the undeniable feeling that although there is work to be done yet God has some BIG testimonies He is working on in all your lives. That my words could be a small part of that…it is my turn to say…WOW.

        Ahh brother, yes I do know what it meant to you. I know because six months ago I was in your shoes. I found posts online of others who knew my pain. That helped me soooo much. I read blogs that were other couple’s who went through what we have who found healing, victory, and redemption. Yes, I understand and I am deeply humbled that God used my words to help you so dramatically.

        HH I pray that this is just the beginning of YOUR redemption story. That God would give you clarity to know what His next steps are for you. That He would give you peace in your heart and mind. That He would allow you to see your wife as I saw my husband…thru God’s eyes. That He would also give you the compassion He gave me to forgive. I also pray that He would awaken your wife. That she would see the man who she vowed to love is still standing beside her and loves her. That she would have her blinders taken from her and see her sin before it is too late. I pray healing, redemption and the fire of the Holy Spirit to descend down upon both of you right now in the name of Jesus.

        What the devil meant for destruction is going to be your greatest triumph. Keep your eyes UP brother. And remember God is in control. What God has joined together let no one separate.

        Like

        • Humbled Husband
          April 27, 2016 at 7:45 pm #

          Quinn, thank you for your reply.

          I read through your post many times last night. I cried over your husbands softening. I laughed with joy over your pain healing. I read the words “My husband has now made a full recovery. Just like my marriage” and PRAISED Him for His work in your lives and felt hope in God’s work for mine.

          It is our 10 year wedding anniversary tomorrow. But she left me 3 weeks ago with our young children. It is a most difficult fire. Most trying. Lots of pain.

          I have shared some of our issues here. Not all. She knows I know some things. Others are hidden. I initially tried to find out and change things. Now I am leaving to God to reveal what is needed. Waiting is very hard but it is the only place I can be in. I am deeply aware of my own flaws and failures as a husband and am seeking God whole heartedly to help me grow. She does not like spending time with me as it makes her feel guilty (her words). She is pursuing sin yes, but she is also conflicted.

          One of my prayers to God is to create in me His heart for her and other people. I wrote down this prayer 25th April and pleaded with God for His heart in me. To love without hypocrisy and with Christ’s selflessness. Then you posted your experience of the same thing. It was amazing to read of how God did this for you. Amazing. I want Him to do that in me. I know I can’t forgive completely unless I have His strength and enablement.

          I don’t know what my next steps are. I don’t know one day from the next. I have clarity about past actions and can see where living in my own strength destroyed and surrendering to Christ built up. But walking in that is a slow process for me.

          Your prayer is deeply valued Quinn. Very much. HH

          Like

          • Quinn
            April 28, 2016 at 12:30 pm #

            Oh, my. She left with the children. I’m so sorry to hear that. And right before your anniversary…that is very painful timing.

            Yes, waiting is so difficult. That is wonderful though that you are using that time to grow yourself and seek the Lord. Great good will come of that time no matter what happens with your marriage. Ultimately, your relationship with God is what matters most.

            That is interesting that you said she doesn’t like spending time with you because it makes her feel guilty and that she is conflicted. My husband said the exact same thing to me. He was spending SO much time on his phone and he felt so distant. I asked him why and he said it was easier than dealing with me. (this was before I learned how I was disrespecting him) That we fought so much he just didn’t want to talk to me at all so it would just avoid the fights that way. He said the fights made him feel guilty for being such a lousy husband that he couldn’t even get his anger in check. (his anger has been a 20+ year problem) He said I love you but I feel so conflicted. I asked him many times before I found out about the first affair what that meant. I even asked him if that meant there was someone else…he denied it. He was so DEEP in his lies by then nothing out of his mouth made sense to him or me. He later told me he was so wracked with pain and self-hatred the only way he knew to deal was to escape. It was the only place he felt “good”. For us, his escape was games on his phone, tv and the affairs. I get the sense your wife is in the same boat. She is so deep in her self-hatred and lies she doesn’t know how to get out of it without feeling even worse about herself. So she continues because it is the easier way in her mind. I don’t know this for fact but it seems her leaving was just another way to escape facing what she has done. She is running hoping it will make things better. The fact that she is conflicted says to me…she still loves you and there is hope. Oh, this sweet soul needs so much help. She needs to know that there is another way. And that if she cries out to Jesus (the Third Day song Cry Out to Jesus is perfect here) that he will meet her and help her. Does she know the Lord?

            The heart you are praying for God will give you. I have no doubt of that. It may be through the highest heat of this fire but it will be yours. I wish I could give you a formula for how to make it happen for you too but honestly, I received mine by pure miracle. I was uncontrollably sobbing over my husband saying to me, I don’t love you anymore, and the Holy Spirit came over me. I felt a righteous anger well up in me and I WENT TO WAR with the enemy. I stood up from my bed and started saying, “NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN’T HAVE MY MARRIAGE, MY HUSBAND OR ME!”. I let the Holy Spirit pray through me in utterances I couldn’t speak and then my miracle came. I felt the darkness leave me and I heard God speak to me to go forgive him. It was singlehandedly the MOST POWERFUL moment I have ever had in my life. I felt God standing right beside me. And it gave me the power to fight like I never had before.

            I truly believe you will get your moment like that too. So much of what you say speaks of the great faith you have and the power God has already given you. You are already in the battle. He has prepared you to handle this. It is already in you. If you don’t see it then dig deep in yourself and find it. IT IS THERE. I feel it when I pray for you. Don’t let fear grip you. Pray for your wife like you never have before. Put your armor on and go to war for her! Men were designed by God to battle in a different way than women. You have a strength she doesn’t have. A strength she needs. Show her that strength. (You mentioned you did things in your own strength before and that it didn’t work. I am referring to God’s strength IN you here.) Let her know you are praying for her. That there is healing to be done but it is worth the fight. Not knowing your situation completely it may be you have already done this. If not, though, then maybe it is just what she needs to hear. Women want to know their man is that white knight that will come to their rescue. Who will fight alongside them and win their heart again. I know you said you are trying to respect her wish to leave so this may not be something you want to do but prayerfully see if it is what God wants you to do. It may be that even small ways you can show her the love of God that get through to her battered heart. Like the text you wanted to send. Little things can sometimes make the biggest impact.

            Please read this website too if you haven’t seen it already. I found so much help, healing, and peace within their story. http://www.intentionallyyours.org/scott-sherry/

            I have you on my War Room wall too. God is working in your lives and hearts. Big things are ahead for you brother! Hang in there and feel God standing beside you!! Stand tall warrior!!!

            Like

            • Humbled Husband
              April 28, 2016 at 3:44 pm #

              Oh wow Quinn. This is like reading my story. Yes, you are absolutely correct on all counts and my wife is dealing with things exactly the same way. Exactly the same. TV and movies constantly (all with graphic and high sexual content), on her phone all day and hiding the screen when I come into the room, even sneaking out of bed at night regularly to use her phone in the loungeroom, internet use through the roof, plugged into repulsive sexual music and always denying there is anyone else. Escaping. And I absolutely believe that her leaving is an ecsape, yes.

              Does she know the Lord? I don’t know. She has attended church all her life and breaks bread with us however I haven’t seen any signs of life in her. She may be a believer trapped in sin or she may not know the Lord. I am not willing to make a call on this.

              I don’t know why but it bothers her immensely that I have peace with God. She is always saying “Don’t bible bash me” and “I HATE it that you are peaceful” whenever I mention anything of God or say that God has given me a love for her.

              Your victory and forgiveness is so powerful to me. If I am honest I feel a twinge of fear at the thought of actually finding out what I suspect is true 😦 I have had SO much pain that it is hard to think of having any more! And yet the signs are all very much there. Especially the phone use.

              I am going to send her the text today. And I told her often before she left that even though I am giving her the space to leave I am doing so because I love her and that I will always love her.

              It is almost morning here, the morning of our anniversary. This is a big day!

              Quinn thank you for your prayers. HH

              Like

              • Quinn
                April 28, 2016 at 7:28 pm #

                My word. Yes, so similar. So much deep pain.

                I understand not making a judgment call on her knowing the Lord. I know now how to pray for her, though.

                Maybe she doesn’t like seeing your peace with God because she can’t figure out how to attain it for herself. Her frustration comes out as anger toward you because she doesn’t know how to express her confusion. Maybe. I have a person in my life like this. She expects God to do ALL good for her but she doesn’t want to do any of the work God asks of her. So when her prayers aren’t answered in the way SHE wants…she gets angry at me for having faith…and angrier at God for not fixing everything to her liking. I don’t know if that is the case but it is what comes to mind.

                That song you mentioned IS significant. Those lyrics are powerful and say a lot about where her state of mind might be. Of course, only God can know for sure. We can pray for her, though! We can pray God puts someone in her path that shows her his love. That speaks to her heart and breaks down the walls she has built. She sounds like she has many deep pains and she is so desperately lost she can’t see any way but escape. My heart breaks for both of you.

                I understand your fear. I can’t say it won’t be hard to face but remember fear is not of God. (2 Timothy 1:7) The enemy wants to keep you in the fear. Yes, knowing the truth is so painful but for me it was more painful playing all the imaginative scenarios in my head. When I knew the real truth I was able to act on it. I was able to shine God’s light in the situation. I was able to pray specifically for it. My pastor too.

                I pray that your text is well received. That it will reach a part of her heart that needs healing. That she will see the love in it and accept that love. That it will be a step in the right direction for you both. And I pray that you are able to walk through today confidently with the Lord. Building on that relationship and finding what your heart needs today. Remember, above all else, no matter what she does HE is always where our eyes need to be focused first and foremost.

                Lord, be with HH and his wife. Only you know the whole story here. Only you can shine light into the darkest parts of their marriage and hearts. Only you can bring about the powerful healing that needs to take place here. You word says what you have joined together let no one separate. Well, the enemy is working overtime here to separate a marriage you created and we aren’t going to stand for that. We bind and rebuke in the name of Jesus the enemy’s schemes from HH and his wife. Remove the bonds and blinders the enemy has placed on this precious woman. Bring someone into her life that will show her the love you have for her. Let her feel right now in this very moment a flash of your deep love so undeniable she will have to ask someone about you. That it will start a burning desire in her for you. A thirst so deep it can only be quenched in you. If she is engaging in sin, if she is committing adultery, let her see that it is the wrong way and stop her sin now. Let her see that you are the way out and escaping won’t solve her pains. Let her see the heart of her husband and the love he has for her. Be with your daughter and guide her to you. Ultimately, we want her to be walking with you above all else. Lord, be with HH and help him to cope with the deep, devastating pain that affairs cause. Heal his heart. Gird up his strength in you and give him the tools he needs to get through this battle. Be His rock. Bring someone also along to walk with HH in his daily life. Give them compassion for each other and the ability to see each other’s hearts again. Give them love renewed. And for their children Lord protect their precious hearts. Let them not be harmed in all of this any further. Wrap your loving arms so tightly around them that they feel nothing but your love. Do not let fear grip them or cause them any life long scars. Lord, I hand this family to you in the name of Jesus. Let this family have a victory story that glorifies your name so brightly that it draws people to you and sends ripples into many, many lives. Amen.

                Like

              • ContentinChrist
                April 29, 2016 at 12:51 pm #

                I have a friend who has been a great support through my trial and she has said a couple of times to me that God will reveal things slowly as we are ready. She said He did that for her (went through some crazy things in her marriage!) and that if God had revealed everything to her at one time, she would never have been able to stand up under it. God will give us the grace we need for the next step. He will prepare us for the next step. And, thinking too far into the future or trying to figure it out on our own will usually bring fear or despair. If it doesn’t, it could be that God is preparing you for something. If it does bring fear, just don’t go there anymore and put your eyes back on Christ.

                HH, you are fighting the good fight!!! Keep it up, brother!!!

                Liked by 1 person

                • Peacefulwife
                  April 29, 2016 at 10:17 pm #

                  CIC,
                  YES! This is so true! God’s wisdom is much higher than our own. And He already knows what needs to happen and will guide us through it – we don’t have to figure it all out. We can just rest in Him and enjoy the journey and the process with Him as He draws us nearer to Himself and continues to work in our own lives.

                  Like

            • Humbled Husband
              April 28, 2016 at 4:05 pm #

              I just had another thought. There is one Christian song I have heard her listen to this last year. Lauren Daigle – How Can It Be. I think that is significant.

              Like

            • Peacefulwife
              April 28, 2016 at 9:34 pm #

              Love this, Quinn!!! Thank you!!!!!!!! 🙂

              Like

    • ContentinChrist
      April 26, 2016 at 10:27 pm #

      I am feeling the same as HH. Something is happening here with this comment. Already tonight, before I read this, I feel like God was stopping me from laying a boundary I was about to lay down. Like He just wants me to step back and just to mention to my husband that I know he lied to me again…to not force conversation over it, but just to merely say “I know you lied to me, I’ve known for a few days and I hope you can see that I love you, I’m committed to you and I forgive you. I hope you can see that my heart is for you by my actions these last few days.” To just let God take control. We’ve also been married 24 years. I also have an 18 year old son. I feel like God has been preparing me for this time in our marriage for years. This website being a huge part of it. Plus a lot more along the way.

      I have so much more to say, so many things swirling in my brain, but I can’t find words, either. I just want to go to sleep and pray on these things and let God sing over me while I sleep and see what He wants to do tomorrow.

      I so want to honor my Father on this hard journey. I want His will to be my food.

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        April 26, 2016 at 10:39 pm #

        CIC,

        More tears of joy over here from me. 🙂 I trust that God will direct your steps, my dear sister – and that He will create something so stunningly beautiful. I am praying for you and filled with thankfulness for all that God has done in your life, all He is doing right this very moment, and all He will do. 🙂

        WOOHOO!

        Like

        • ContentinChrist
          April 27, 2016 at 11:28 am #

          O.K. You all are going to think I’m off my rocker, but I have been waiting on God to show me what my next step is. Thought about Quinn’s story last night and this morning. I realized that part of the difference is that Quinn’s husband seems sorrowful and repentant when he is confronted with his sin. I have not gotten that from my husband. 😦 I woke up this morning, knowing that I needed to do something (because he had lied to me again, but I hadn’t brought it up yet…was waiting on what to do), but not knowing what to do.

          Read Proverbs 16 and a Psalm. Proverbs 16 reminded me with a few verses that we can plan, but God orders our steps in the end. I felt peace reading that and just realized that whatever was going to happen would come naturally and I could trust God with it. Still didn’t know what that meant. Later this morning, I realized I wanted to tell him face to face (I had considered emailing him). I felt that if I told him face to face, I would have a clearer indication of his heart.

          All of a sudden, I realized I wanted to do this now. I walked into our room and calmly told him that I knew that he had lied about this thing that had happened the other day. I got what I always get – blame, denial, him trying to make me seem like I am totally crazy….I can say that I was clear-headed, peaceful (yes, shaky as this was going on), gentle with my voice. I told him I was so sorry that things were like this. He got uglier and uglier – even cursed God with the worst curse word. 😦 And said that my God had done wonders for me (sarcastically). I said gently and firmly “Yes, He has!”

          I asked for a separation. He is going out of town this weekend and I asked him to take that time to consider how we could do this in the best way for our children. I asked him to please consider allowing me to stay in our home as I thought it would be best. (He had indicated a couple of weeks ago that he wouldn’t leave the house). I also said that if he were to get away and be able to think and wanted to really work on our marriage, that when he came back, we could go to our scheduled counseling appointment but that he would have to be willing to let the counselor know that he has been dishonest in our marriage. That that would be a step we could work with to start healing our marriage. He scoffed and said what he always says to me during these kinds of conversations, “You’re unbelievable” with a lot of disdain…..

          So, here we are. I have no idea where to start. I’ve been at stay-at-home mom for 18 years. I haven’t worked for pay all that time.

          Please pray for all of us. Things have not even hit me yet. Maybe God is allowing me to be strong so that I can step forward in boldness to take next steps. I need His provision, guidance, wisdom. How to talk to the kids, what to say….so much.

          Providentially — oh, God is so amazing….I had called the counselor this morning (before I even knew that I was going to have this conversation with my husband this morning) to see if they by chance had an appointment today and they didn’t. They ended up calling me back about 30 minutes after all of this came out and said they had a cancellation. I took it. I see that as a gift from God to me right now.

          Thank you for prayers for us

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            April 27, 2016 at 6:51 pm #

            CIC,

            I want you to do what you believe God is prompting you to do. There are times boundaries need to be set. There are times grace needs to be given. There are times to wait. There are times to speak up and stand firm. I trust that God will show you what He wants you to do. I want to see your husband be repentant and willing to change and willing to get the help he needs from what you have been describing.

            I’m glad that you want to go to counseling with him if he is willing to change.

            What did the counselor say today?

            I pray for God’s clear direction and wisdom for you, my dear sister. And that HE will show you what to do and that He might open your husband’s eyes and bring him to repentance and to Christ. I pray for individually healing for you both, and then the power to rebuild the marriage God’s way.

            Much love!

            Like

            • ContentinChrist
              April 28, 2016 at 12:23 am #

              Thanks, April. The counselor had been talking to us in the two sessions that we went to about healthy communication, starting with confession. However, confession not in just the traditional sense that we think of it, but confession of your thoughts, feelings, things going on in your own heart. He talks about how when we say “You” statements “You did this to me, etc.” that it immediately causes defensiveness and you can’t get anywhere in the conversation. I’ve known for a long time that we have major trouble communicating with each other. So….we talked about how even this morning, even though I was calm and patient, I should have rephrased what I told my husband. Instead of saying “I know you lied”….I should have said “I feel hurt, confused, scared, etc. – whatever I’m feeling – when you did this thing”. So, I asked how to do that now that I’d already done it wrong. He suggested that I email him and just say basically that since our counselor was telling us to work on these things, I realized that I needed to rephrase and start over. The counselor also said that what’s really telling of someone’s personality is when you tell someone your feelings and they show by their actions or words back that they don’t care how you’re feeling and are not willing to enter into a healthy conversation to get through it.

              So, I came home and started an email and realized that I just wanted to do it in person. I simply went in and said that I had approached the conversation wrong and that I should have said “I feel this….etc.” Which I did, again calmly and gently and with no emotion in my voice. Things still didn’t go well. Excuses and blame back on me. Thankfully, that was a short conversation since we had to go somewhere.

              So, he left tonight to go out of state – said goodbye to the kids but not to me. I called him because I needed to make another thing right with him that I’d said and I apologized for that. I told him I loved him. But, from past experience, my apologies are not usually enough and he will probably not talk to me for days. If we have ever reconciled in the past, it’s usually me going to him, pursuing reconciliation and pleading with him to listen to me.

              I can truly say that my conscience is clean at this point. Even with what the counselor said to me, I still feel peace about the way things went this morning and how I handled it – well, except for the one thing that I said to him that I probably shouldn’t have said after he had gotten progressively uglier to me. Which is what I called to apologize to him for. I told him that I only respected him because he was my husband, that I didn’t respect anything else about him. I know that that was a low blow and when I called him, I told him I was sorry for saying that and that I didn’t really feel that way. That there were many things I respected him for. It wasn’t the time to get into the details of those things as he wasn’t ready to talk….plus these are things I have to always keep reminding him of everytime something comes up. If I express hurt over the fact that I feel alone in parenting our children, that turns into how I have told him what an awful father he is. From that point on, he is angry at me and won’t even talk to me until I convince him over and over that I never said that and never came close to thinking that, either.

              I have learned that no matter how I do or don’t approach something with him, no matter what time of day, if I waited until what I thought was the perfect time, etc., that for the most part, if I express a concern about something he has done or not done, things are not going to easy.

              I just don’t know what else to do at this point.

              This is just surreal and like a bad dream. I never thought I would walk down this road. I never thought my family would face this kind of crisis. I knew we would face a crisis – I just never thought it would be of this nature.

              Tonight, I’m asking God to let me know that I haven’t made the biggest mistake of my life. But, in the end, I know He has led me to this place step by step. I have to trust that He is guiding and leading me. I trust that He can get me back on the right path if for some reason I’ve taken the wrong one. I have to trust that He is going to use this for good. I pray it is for my husband’s good as well. For our whole family’s good.

              Like

          • Humbled Husband
            April 27, 2016 at 7:47 pm #

            CiC.

            I have no words but I am praying for you. HH

            Like

            • ContentinChrist
              April 28, 2016 at 12:24 am #

              Thank you, HH. I’ll pray for you right now while my mind is clear enough to remember that I should. 🙂 I’m thankful for how God is meeting you and speaking to you right now.

              Like

      • Quinn
        April 27, 2016 at 6:27 pm #

        I pray that you received the clarity you needed in speaking to your husband. I know the pain of constant lies. If I can share something with you that helped me it would be this…don’t let HIS lies consume YOU. I tried to reason, fix and figure out why my husband lied. The truth of the matter is I will never be able to do that. I can’t be in his head. Even 24 years with this man will never allow me to completely get him. But God can do that. He can speak to a husband’s heart and mind in ways we wives could never even begin to do. So my sweet sister, let God lead you in what to say or not say. Then say no more. Let God do the hard work on him. And I know letting God have control and holding your tongue is H.A.R.D. work. Remember though ultimately it is immeasurably rewarding.

        I hope He gave you a beautiful song last night and joy for today.

        I’m not sure why but I feel Him saying I should end this with this phrase: You CAN do this.

        I hope that means something to you.

        Love to you sister!

        Like

        • ContentinChrist
          April 28, 2016 at 12:32 am #

          Thanks, Quinn. Yes, I’ve gotten to a point where I just don’t even go places in my mind most times. Not to say that sometimes I don’t slip, but it really is fruitless. Only God knows what’s in a man’s heart, only God can help him, too. I try to think the best of him even when it would be really easy to jump to conclusions.

          Thanks for the reminder to hold my tongue. God’s done a lot of work in me with that this last month, but obviously more to do as I said something this morning I wish I hadn’t. But, definitely He keeps reminding me of the passages in 1 Peter about Christ not retaliating, threatening, and even defending yourself. God is telling me He will be my Defender and Protector and to entrust myself to Him and let Him handle my husband.

          Your phrase does mean something to me. Quite honestly, I want someone to say that I’ve done wrong so that I can find an excuse to beg my husband back. Your phrase confirms what God is telling me. God has confirmed it over and over through all of my trusted advisors right now. I just don’t want to accept it as it being the way (me having to draw these boundaries).

          Thanks for sharing it, though. I do need to hear it. Love to you and thank you for sharing your amazing story and for encouraging us here.

          Like

          • Quinn
            April 28, 2016 at 9:49 am #

            CIC…I have to tell you when I read this comment my heart literally leaped for joy. I think you are exactly where God wants you to be sweet sister. There is no doubt pain where you are but I believe it is the start of healing. Just as I had to walk through a deep pain when I discovered all the phone calls and had to confront him. That pain was necessary. It HAD to happen in order for our healing to start. God may very well be doing the same for you. Oh, I really wish I was there to hug you! I can’t describe in a comment the joy bubbling up for you right now in my heart! I mentioned before my calling is to intercession and I often feel what God wants me to pray about. And right now that is feeling is JOY…pure JOY for you. I know that has to sound so conflicting considering what you are going through right now but I believe it is HOPE God wants you to see in it. I don’t know what His plan is for you but I do know it will be GOOD. It will bring you to a place where life feels satisfying again. Hang on tight to the Lord and let Him carry you through this.

            I’m glad that phrase meant something to you. Oh, how I understand how hard it is to be the one to draw the boundaries. I didn’t want to confront my husband when I discovered his affairs. I was so angry, so devastated, I just wanted someone else to wallop him because I had no strength left. But it wasn’t what God called me to do. I also have been a SAHM for 22 years and was terrified of what I would do if my confronting him lead to divorce. My mind raced with the whats, hows and whys. None of it made sense to me. How could I be in this situation? How could he do this to me? What I finally realized was my husband is a very flawed human being. And so am I. As God said to me, “sin is sin”. I had committed countless sins in my life like we all do. And God forgave me both with discipline and with love. I could do no less for my husband. So I followed the leading to confront, to forgive and to let my husband go to the other woman if that was his decision. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Hands down. I completely understand the emotions you are experiencing right now. Don’t turn back. Trust in God to lead you through this. Lean on your trusted advisors and know I AM praying for you. And that is no cliche…I truly am. I added you to my War Room wall last night. (among many others here too)

            You said He told you He will be your Defender and Protector…that is POWERFUL! He is speaking his plan to you! We wouldn’t need a Defender or Protector unless we were about to walk through a battle. Don’t let the enemy scare you with that though!! Some battles are necessary and they bring about enormous harvests of blessings. And with God leading the way through you already know the victory is yours…whatever that may be. Don’t live in the fear. Suit up in your armor and stand tall sister!! Operative word being STAND. Don’t slouch back, don’t hide your face, fight for what is yours! You have the right to the abundant life God promises us! YOU CAN DO THIS!!

            I can’t wait to hear YOUR victory story!! Much love to you!!

            Like

            • ContentinChrist
              April 28, 2016 at 9:07 pm #

              Wow, Quinn. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.

              Don’t have a lot of time to respond right now, but interestingly, I am going to re-watch War Room sometime this weekend. Feel led to do that.

              Also, I have a couple of friends, one in particular, who is adamant that my husband will come to Christ, that this is for his salvation. She says she sees pictures of him with the joy of Christ, worshiping God. I tell her at times, I’m glad you can see it, because right now, I cannot! And yet, in many ways, God has been preparing me for this time in my marriage for years. For years, I’ve had a sense that something wasn’t right in our marriage. For years, I’ve had a sense that it would take something big for my husband to be humbled to be able to see his need for Jesus. Last year, I had the thought that I was one of his idols and that God was going to somehow have to remove me from his life for a time to get his attention. I had no idea what that meant or what it would look like, but it seems God is walking us down that path. I also had a sense that when this all started, that my husband’s heart would have to be hardened for a time. The main goal here for me is his salvation. I feel like God has even asked me if it meant the salvation of my husband’s soul, would I be willing to lay down our marriage and our family.

              Anyway, a lot more detail to all of that….but thank you for your words and for your prayers and to know that you mean it, too! 🙂 Grateful and tucking those words of hope you have given me in my back pocket. I will think of them many times in the days ahead to remind me that God is speaking to others in definite ways that He is doing something big and good!!!!!!

              Love you!!!!

              Like

              • Quinn
                April 29, 2016 at 3:44 pm #

                You’re welcome my sweet sister. You don’t know this but you have been a help to me too these few days. *hugs*

                I loved War Room. Such a powerful movie. I think I will watch it again this weekend with you! 🙂

                Oh, when you said your friend sees pictures of your husband with the joy of Christ…that gave me shivers! Praise our Lord in Heaven!! Do you see the common word there? JOY!! It was what I felt for you! Lord, you are awesome and I praise your name! Bring your JOY ABUNDANTLY down on CiC and her husband!! Bring the visions and feelings to fruition! Give them a testimony so vivid and bright that people will clamor to hear it again!

                What you have been sensing God leading you to is no doubt a fiery trial but it does sound like something God would do to bring His will to a tough situation. I know being asked to lay down your marriage is painful. With your goal being his salvation though you know the end result is eternal. And can I say, GOOD FOR YOU! The fact that you see the real battle here means you are much further ahead in this than you realize. Your heart shines through in your words. Your love for your husband’s salvation is quite beautiful.

                You are in the thick of it. Keeping looking UP. Keep seeking His face and let Him lead the way. I am sending you so much love!

                Like

                • ContentinChrist
                  April 30, 2016 at 5:21 pm #

                  God reminded me of a verse that He gave me a couple of weeks ago….

                  Therefore let us also, seeing we are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily besets us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the author and finisher of the faith, ***who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross***, despising shame, and hath sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:1-2).

                  Also, today I listened to a great message from Francis Chan (Holiness Above Comfort) that a friend recommended and he brought up the verses in James: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)

                  Thank you again so much for reaching out to me and showing the love of Christ through your encouragement. It has bolstered my faith and hope and helped me to again have faith in the things God has shown me about my marriage. It’s easy to doubt, wondering if the senses I’ve had are real or if I’m making it up in my head, but it’s harder to doubt when He seems to be giving others a similar message. I seriously was considering that our marriage was coming to an end (and had many godly counselors even almost preparing me for the same) but I feel like God is changing my heart on this issue and to have faith in what He is doing. That is a much more hopeful place to be than where I was last week!

                  Like

                  • Quinn
                    May 1, 2016 at 3:50 pm #

                    Those verses are so appropriate for you. And they both mention joy. 😉 God’s Word is such a comfort. Thank you for sharing those with me. I find comfort and joy in them as well.

                    I am so thankful God placed me here to talk with you. To hear you kicking doubt to the curb and digging in your heels is amazing to witness. To see how God is building you up and bringing your faith to a deeper place…it is beautiful. I am so happy to hear you are more hopeful! God is good! Hang in there sweet sister. God is going to be glorified in this situation in so many ways!!

                    Love to you!

                    Like

    • prayinglikehannah
      April 27, 2016 at 7:07 am #

      Quinn:
      Wow! Wow! Wow! What a testimony of the power of God.

      Like

      • Ev
        April 27, 2016 at 8:52 am #

        Quinn, thank you so much for your story !
        I love how God gives you compassion for your husband. And I love your obedient heart !

        Like

        • Quinn
          April 27, 2016 at 6:31 pm #

          Ev, thank you for such a beautiful comment! 🙂

          Like

      • Quinn
        April 27, 2016 at 6:12 pm #

        He is good!! 🙂

        Like

  25. The Echoes of her Heart
    April 27, 2016 at 4:17 am #

    This is wonderful. I am so glad that I read it. I am a newly wed. We got married February and I am so glad that I have this blog as an additional resource to encourage, sharpen, provoke and inspire me. Thank you so much for this blog and Godo bless you! You’ll be seeing my commentson pop up quite frequently on your posts! 🙂
    Xx

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 27, 2016 at 6:48 am #

      The Echoes of Her Heart,

      I’m so glad this was a blessing. Congratulations on your marriage, my dear sister!!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Humbled Husband
    April 27, 2016 at 5:05 am #

    This passage from the book Waiting on God blessed me today.

    “Our souls are so little accustomed to hold fellowship with God; the God on whom we wait so often appears to hide Himself. We who have to wait are often tempted to fear that we do not wait aright, that our faith is too feeble, that our desire is not as upright or as earnest as it should be, that our surrender is not complete. Amid all these causes of fear or doubt, how blessed to hear the voice of God, “Wait on the Lord! Be strong, and let thine heart take courage! YEA, WAIT THOU ON THE LORD!” Let nothing in heaven or earth or hell – let nothing keep thee from waiting on thy God in full assurance that it cannot be in vain.

    If you say that you are afraid of deceiving yourself with vain hope, because you do not see or feel any warrant in your present state for such special expectations, my answer is, it is God, who is the warrant for your expecting great things. Oh, do learn the lesson. You are not going to wait on yourself to see what you feel and what changes come to you. You are going to WAIT ON GOD, to know first, WHAT HE IS, and then, after that, what He will do. The whole duty and blessedness of waiting on God has its root in this, that He is such a blessed Being, full, to overflowing, of goodness and power and life and joy, that we, however wretched, cannot for any time come into contact with Him, without that life and power secretly, silently beginning to enter into him and blessing him. God is Love! That is the one only and all-sufficient warrant of your expectation. Love does not seek its own: God’s love is just His delight to impart Himself and His blessedness to His children.”

    I was particularly struck by the thought that God is love and love seeks not its own. That means God is seeking YOUR blessing. YOUR fulfilment. YOUR joy.

    May it bless you also. HH

    Like

  27. prayinglikehannah
    April 27, 2016 at 6:39 am #

    April, you have often mentioned that you remained very quiet when God showed you your sins, in terms of your marriage. I imagine this could be a post by itself, but what are a few practical examples of specific situations in which you remained “quiet?” Since saying you remained quiet, doesn’t mean you did not speak at all, how did you determine when you would speak and when you wouldn’t? (I guess this would be where spiritual discernment comes in). What were some things you told yourself that allowed you to maintain silence when there were things you really wanted to address? How did time sensitive issues work out when your husband didn’t act on them while you remained quiet and you knew that it was getting “too late” to deal with those issues?

    I’ve been thinking about the term “surrendering to God,” and although the meaning of the term is evident, I’d love to hear from you (and anyone else who wants to share!), some specific ways in which you surrendered in different situations… Especially in tough situations when surrender becomes a “difficult word.”

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 27, 2016 at 7:00 am #

      PrayinglikeHannah,

      I talk about that phase in this post The Frustrating Quiet Phase.

      I personally got very quiet, period. I realized that almost everything I had been saying before was sin or had sinful motives – motives to control, pride, self-righteousness, bitterness, gossip, jealousy of others, disrespect, etc… So I got VERY quiet altogether because I was afraid to talk. I knew at first that I would probably sin if I did much talking. I did talk about some things, things I had to talk about. But I really limited my conversation to things I was SURE I wouldn’t sin about in my speech.

      As far as decisions we had to make, I began to share with my husband that we had a decision to make and just leave it with him and tell him the time constraints. Then it was totally up to him. I said nothing else and if he didn’t do anything, then nothing got done.

      Now, I don’t have to restrict myself nearly so much. I will bring up a friendly reminder, at times.

      Like

  28. Melinda
    April 27, 2016 at 8:07 am #

    Thanks April! I liked this article and your blog has been a blessing! Have you had any experience with narcisstic husbands? I believe mine is narcisstic but not extremely so… Mostly he is never wrong, he lies, he usually turns everything to be my fault, he rarely confesses or apologizes for what he does, and if he does apologize, it’s not for anything specific it’s more like “I’m a total failure…. I’m sorry for ruining your life”. He recently got extremely depressed when I confronted with some dishonesty . It is very hard to trust him since during our 27 years of marriage he was really dishonest. It just came out recently that he had a porn addiction/public oogling/lust most of our married life that I never knew about .he is kind and gentle unlike the typical controlling and demanding narcissist. He just takes any little confrontation/criticism so very hard…. I desire to be a godly wife but it feels like I cannot have any question about his honesty, or bring out any inconsistency. Our relationship will not go deep at all bec anything that feels to him like he’d be a failure or would make me think badly of him, is lied about or just not at all discussed. Do you have any posts or videoes on this? Will you consider writing about how to handle it,? Please email me if you do. Thx!!

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 27, 2016 at 6:26 pm #

      Melinda,

      Hmmm… Why do you believe he is “narcissistic”? Is it possible that he is simply drowning in shame because of the addictions and lust issues? Check out that linked post and see what you think?

      Also, please search my home page for “porn” for some resources.

      How recently have you discovered this? My heart breaks for the pain this has caused in your heart, in your husband’s life, and in God’s heart, too. 😦

      Has he been willing to be accountable and transparent? Do you believe he has fully repented?

      What resources are y’all using to work through this together?

      What is your relationship with Christ? 🙂

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you! Thank you so much for reaching out for help and encouragement! 🙂

      Like

      • Mendy
        April 28, 2016 at 8:25 am #

        thank you for the resources. He might be drowning in shame some. We both are Christians…. I feel like he is struggling some but does want to do what is right; I am struggling a little. Your site has been such a blessing it has really helped me to learn to be more respectful… I liked some of your articles on distance… Lately he has really been struggling and it seems like the more I tried to help the worse it got. So I just pulled back a little bit and give him space. Last night it was really good because he moved toward me…. We talked and I was able to share my heart some about him being able to take responsibility for his part of our disagreements. He said he’s going to pray about it 😊. And I am endeavoring to try to only bring up the big things. I was convicted by”Love covers a multitude of sins”. Also I didn’t listen to God’s voice when we had this past argument. I Clearly felt like I should wait to talk to him, but then I got a sudden urge that I had to go talk to him NOW! (Satan!!) Ended up in a huge explosion and with my husband has been very depressed for a few days.. I feel like a marriage is on shaky ground. I feel like the devil really wants to drive a wedge between us and draw my husband away! 😕. Complete transparency has definitely been a problem… It feels like it’s starting to get better but I’m not sure if he’s even still yet totally honest about some things. I am definitely wanting to be a safe place for him and I think he knows that I am. For some reason, there is something in him that wont allow him to completely be free to share with me honestly. (he will lie about things that I see with my own eyes and hear with my own ears ) Because most of our marriage has been lies, I’m craving the super honesty really badly. Until then, I just want to keep working on myself, to grow in my relationship with God and to Be respectful. Thanks!

        >

        Like

        • Flower
          April 28, 2016 at 10:11 am #

          Hi Mendy, I am wondering if words are a strong part of your husband’s love language. His anger and self-loathing when you confront him about something remind me of how I react whenever I am confronted by my mother about something. If my mom is not actively giving me positive reassurance about the things I do “right,” I find it very hard to hear about the things I do “wrong” and I tend to take any rebuke as proof that she doesn’t think highly of me. (This is not true; she just doesn’t give compliments often.) With me and my mom, her positive words (and not other demonstrations of love) tend to reassure me that there’s more to the story than just her negative words. (I am trying to work more on my side of this and not take anything personally.) I wonder if increasing your verbal appreciation to your husband about the good things he does will help him realize that you see his positive qualities too.

          Much love! 🙂
          Flower

          Like

        • Peacefulwife
          April 28, 2016 at 8:11 pm #

          Mendy,

          Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you talked last night.

          So, when do you believe the lying started? Did he do this in other relationships, too? What was his parents’ marriage like? What was your parents’ marriage like?

          Do y’all have any godly mentors, godly counselors?

          Much love!

          Like

  29. Humbled Husband
    April 27, 2016 at 3:46 pm #

    Hi people. It’s our 10 year wedding anniversary tomorrow and I’m debating whether to send a text. I’ve prayed about it heaps but can’t find an answer. I haven’t had any contact since she left apart from required texts to sort out child support payments etc as I have been respecting her decision to leave.

    So I’ve written down all the pros and cons and realised that all the pros relate to my motives in sending it (such as esteeming highly, praising the work of her hands, expressing love etc) and all of the cons relate to how she will receive it (will she feel guilty, feel like I’m just sucking up etc). Hmm still unsure.

    Any thoughts that may help me? HH

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 27, 2016 at 6:35 pm #

      HH,

      It seems like it would be sweet to me to send a text – if it is a loving text. I pray God will give you His wisdom! 🙂

      Like

      • Humbled Husband
        April 27, 2016 at 7:07 pm #

        It is most definitely a loving text with no expectations. I can’t let such a significant date go past with no acknowledgement.

        Like

        • Humbled Husband
          April 29, 2016 at 7:32 am #

          Well. Fun day? No. Very hard day.

          But! I had breakfast with a good friend from church and we talked for three hours. I thought he was there to minister to me on this hard day (and he was), but it turns out I was being called to minister to him as well! He began sharing how much my journey was effecting his walk with the Lord and how encouraged he was to see the steps of walking in the Spirit and how much that was challenging him.

          It broke me to tears because I said to the Lord months ago that if He wanted to use my pain to draw others closer to Him then I would gladly let that happen and I would be poured out as a drink offering in His name. It turns out that my pain and the peace and strength the Lord is slowly showing me has spoken to my friend far more than any words I have ever said. I am praising God for this tonight.

          My loneliness on this night is being used to further the Lord’s purposes in ways that I have not realised 🙂 It doesn’t make it easy spending what should be a special night together alone but it does help me see a purpose.

          HH

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            April 29, 2016 at 7:49 am #

            HH,

            Thank you for sharing, our dear brother. I know this was a tough day emotionally for you. But I am so encouraged to see what all is going on!

            God is using you here, as well, already. What He is doing in you – the way He is empowering you and giving you His strength and increasing your faith and peace in the midst of this howling storm is blessing so many people and building the faith of others around the world.

            I love that you prayed to be a drink offering to draw others closer to Him. SO BEAUTIFUL!

            Praying for you and your wife tonight – for continued healing for you, for God to open her eyes and bring her to repentance and spiritual healing in Christ – and for God to be greatly glorified in your lives in ways we can’t begin to fathom!

            Like

            • ContentinChrist
              April 29, 2016 at 12:44 pm #

              Amen, agreeing with those prayers of April! Thank you for sharing, HH! So encouraging!

              One thing I’ve noticed through this trial is that I seem to be deeply aware and grateful of God’s gifts and blessings in ways I wasn’t before. Those moments are truly like gifts to me during this time and I receive them as such. Even the wildflowers on the side of the road bring a deeper pleasure and speak to me of God’s love right now. He is so good!!! So thankful that you got to have this fellowship with a brother in Christ and how God will continue to use you in his life. It brings tears to my eyes.

              And yes, you are already being used here like April said.

              Like

              • Humbled Husband
                April 29, 2016 at 7:06 pm #

                CiC, I think it was John Bunyan (author of pilgrims progress) who wrote that he almost wished his trials were always present so sweet was the presence of God through them. It is definitely true that these experiences of God’s love are all the more precious due to the darkness. HH

                Like

              • Peacefulwife
                April 29, 2016 at 10:17 pm #

                Love this, CIC!!!! SO BEAUTIFUL!

                Like

          • Quinn
            April 29, 2016 at 3:48 pm #

            I am glad to hear you were able to fellowship with a good friend on such a hard day. That you were able to minister to each other is so encouraging and full of purpose. God is doing a great work in you brother!

            Like

    • ContentinChrist
      April 28, 2016 at 12:35 am #

      My vote is definitely yes. Just try not to have expectations on getting a certain response back from her. Your pros are full of love, your cons are just fears. You can’t control what she’ll think, how she’ll receive it. If you don’t send something, she could be offended and hurt by that, too. Go with that pure desire of your heart to honor your marriage by acknowledging it and praising her.

      Like

      • Humbled Husband
        April 28, 2016 at 1:07 am #

        Thank you CiC

        Like

  30. ContentinChrist
    April 28, 2016 at 12:24 pm #

    Loving this song today. Love the end where part of Psalm 23 is quoted.

    Like

    • Quinn
      April 28, 2016 at 6:24 pm #

      CIC…thank you for sharing this…it brought me to tears…some of the lines hit so deeply to the trench I’m walking through…thank you, my sweet sister…

      You have been on my mind all day…in my prayers…hugs and love to you.

      Like

      • ContentinChrist
        April 28, 2016 at 9:00 pm #

        Thank you so much. Such a great song, isn’t it? And Psalm 23 is the main passage God started comforting me with as this painful trial really began. I’ve heard the song on the radio without that last part, but as I listened to it on YouTube and heard the ending with part of the Psalm quoted, I felt God’s personal comfort again to me today.

        Thanks for praying for me. That means a lot to me. And I’ll pray for you, as well, as God guides you through another valley.

        I am feeling a lot more peace tonight that I am in God’s will and that the boundaries I’ve drawn are necessary and that God will use them for good. I was really wrestling with that – going back and forth until just a few hours ago.

        I do have hope for our marriage. I do think things are going to get worse before they get better as that seems to be a message I keep getting from the Lord (as much as I don’t want to necessarily hear it). But, I also know that God can do things in a split second, so I’m praying for Him to do His work quickly! I’m aware that He might want to use this time in my life, though, to teach me many things (already is) and I want to be surrendered to that – not only surrendered to it, but grateful and ready as it would be His best plan for me.

        Tonight, I’m feeling strong. This morning, not so much. Seems to be my new normal for now. 🙂

        Like

        • Quinn
          April 29, 2016 at 4:20 pm #

          Yes, it is beautiful. Oh, I love to hear stories of how God touches the hearts of his children so personally.

          It is my honor to pray for you. Thank you for your prayers! They mean so much to me.

          I am glad to hear you are more at peace with the path God is leading you down. And I am very happy to hear you still have hope for your marriage. I think you have good reason to do so. I just feel such JOY every time I think of you and your husband.

          Yes, sometimes they have to get worse first, unfortunately. I know it did for us. There is much to be learned in the hard times though too. Things we simply do not learn any other way. CiC, I am seeing a strength come out of you though in your posts. It was gradual but now I see it building. I am seeing you start to see that God has already prepared you. That He wrapped you in His armor and He was just waiting, standing next to you saying, “You ready? Let’s go fight this battle!”. I think you see Him standing there now. You are finding the strength of Christ within you. Although, yes still painful, I think you are ready. And you are already learning new lessons about yourself in this time. I have a feeling you are finding new strengths in yourself you didn’t even realize were there all along. This is a time of growth for both of you. And it is going to make your marriage so strong when you both come back together it is going to be breathtaking to those who witness it. Glory to God!

          Yes, God can indeed do things in a split second! I will pray this is one of those times. 😉 Mostly, let’s pray that His will be done in your marriage and that you have an amazing testimony to share one day! That you will be the one on here sharing of His amazing love!!!

          Love to you!!

          Like

  31. Quinn
    April 28, 2016 at 10:38 pm #

    To everyone here…

    I have been reading these daily prayers with my husband for months now. Sometimes the way they fit our life are simply amazing. God speaks to us in so many ways.

    Today’s prayer is so appropriate for many of you. I pray it touches your heart and gives you hope.

    http://marriageprayers.today/todays-marriage-prayer-hope-for-a-troubled-marriage-2/

    Like

  32. NB
    April 29, 2016 at 1:13 am #

    Hello April,
    This post and the discussion really touched my heart. You know my story a little bit and the issues I have with my husband and texting with his female coworker. I can’t shake off the jealousy. I pray about it, i try Laura Doyle’s principals as of staying on my own paper about it but I really don’t have a good coping strategy with this yet.

    The thing is that I don’t get a single text from him. I try to send him encouraging things once in a while or tell him I miss him etc. He tells me he doesn’t like to text. However he sure takes his time to write out nice replies to this coworker of his. He tells me if I don’t trust him after the 13 years that we are married then he doesn’t know what to tell me.

    Yesterday he was writing with her about a shift they were trading at work. Of course it was pretty innocent but the fact that he was trying so hard to be polite, etc, and she kept writing back – got to me again and I couldn’t keep it on my paper any more.

    Then he got defensive of course and said he quit texting me after I called him a loser 10 years ago. I just feel so much hurt. I decided I will never text him again about anything. I don’t know if I just work myself up for nothing over this but knowing I will never get anything from him as far as calling me to see how I’m doing or texting me just hurts.

    He surely takes his time to be nice to his coworkers. (That’s why he keeps up communication with her he says. It is really important to him to feel accepted at his job, it’s been a struggle for him ever since he started there.)

    Thanks for listening April.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 29, 2016 at 6:22 am #

      NB,

      I can completely understand that you don’t like to see him texting other women – especially when he is not texting you at all. At this point, what you have described so far, sounds fairly innocent. Of course, it could turn into something not as innocent. But – if you try to be his “texting police” or you try to demand that he give you more attention and his coworkers less attention, if you try to force him to do what you want… that is probably not going to work.

      How is your relationship going with God?

      What do you believe you need to be content?

      What are your greatest fears?

      What he shared with you about why he doesn’t text you is important. That is a really critical piece of information. I’m not saying he should respond that way – but now you have your information about why he doesn’t text you, it sounds like.

      Instead of deciding to never text him… what do you believe God may want you to do to bless him, to be a warm, welcoming place, to be the godly wife God calls you to be, to pour healing instead of more resentment and destruction into this relationship?

      How are you showing him genuine respect and honor?

      He probably does have to have some communication with his coworkers, is my guess. Is it possible that he isn’t doing anything specifically wrong at this point? Being polite and talking with a coworker about a traded shift is not a sin, right?

      The issue is more that you want more of his attention, maybe?

      What do you predict will happen if you continue to accuse him and react with jealousy?

      If he truly was having an emotional affair, what do you predict would best draw him back to you?

      What are the ways that your husband most likes to bond with you? Are there any things he enjoys doing with you?

      How do you try to get him to give you more attention?

      Much love to you!

      Have you seen the post, “Bitterness of Soul, I Want to Be My Husband’s FIRST Priority!”

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        April 29, 2016 at 6:42 am #

        NB,

        Here are a few posts that may be helpful:

        Roots of Insecurity, Low Self Esteem, Sinful Jealousy, and a Desire to Control

        My Security Is in Christ Alone

        He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. Finding Victory over Feelings of Insecurity

        If I Am Being Needy or Clingy – I Will Probably Repel My Husband

        Righteous Jealousy and Anger

        Could it be possible that you are trying to measure his love for you by whether he texts you or not, or by whether he texts his coworkers or not?

        Or, could it be that you may expect him to have your exact same convictions – that maybe you expect his personal conviction to be to never ever text a female coworker? Where is the line, in your mind?

        What things make you feel loved and secure with your husband?

        Like

      • NB
        April 29, 2016 at 7:29 am #

        April, Thank you again for replying to me. You are so right. Now I feel even more like a fool. I was working so hard on being content, peaceful, being soft place to fall for him. I know all of that. Thats why i feel even more like a fool right now.Because I know better.

        I know I can’t be his text police, his thought police-anything like that. Yesterday though was hard.

        We are working through our issues, with my 10 year unbeknowntst to me disrespect towards him being one of them. You are right that I want more of his attention, I know I’m not supposed to make him my idol, I know all of that, and I’m doing way better. I hate having setbacks like that.

        The thing is he has 0 affection towards me. None. We have sex (thankfully! I’m so grateful for what I get, however little it is) but that’s it for attention. I know we still have ways to go, he has not forgotten the disrespect. It is getting better but he has a long way to healing and accepting that i have been changing.

        You are also right, I dont like that he takes time out to reply to his coworker like that where he doesn’t take time for me whatsoever. I believe he still feels he can’t trust me and I understand. It hurts.

        I read through all these responses here and my problem seem so menial compared to what some of these people go through.

        As far as emotional affair. I do have issues with this. As we had problem like that before, He had a fling with a coworker in 2009. He even filed for divorce (saying that he did that because he couldn’t stand my ways any more). I moved to my parents’ back to Europe with our daughter. We reconciled but never worked out our issues. He relapsed with her 6 months after I moved back. So yes. I have those fears…..
        Thank You April. You are such a blesssing to me. I will read the links you mentioned. I need them.

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          April 29, 2016 at 7:46 am #

          NB,

          Could you please remind me… is he a believer in Christ?

          I don’t know if either of you would be willing to read Grace Filled Marriage by Tim Kimmel – but it is SO powerful! Even if only you read it, I think it could help to pour so much healing into the marriage. I understand your husband feeling very disrespected when you called him a loser 10 years ago. But I also think that it is possible to move past that and forgive. Of course, you can’t make him forgive you. But you can focus on being the woman and wife God desires you to be. And you can extend grace to him and be a godly example – even if he is not spiritually healthy enough to be able to do that in return right now. A wife filled with God’s Spirit has an incredible amount of influence, even if she doesn’t talk about spiritual things. Just her joy, her contentment in Christ, her demeanor, her gentleness, the light radiating in her… VERY powerful for a husband to experience that on a consistent basis. It will tend to draw him toward his wife and toward Christ in time.

          If you have had these kinds of issues before in the marriage, I understand your fears. I wonder – is he willing to go to a godly counselor with you that he trusts? Do you feel like that would help?

          Has he said what he believes he needs from you?

          Was he ever affectionate with you before in your relationship?

          Did he repent of the emotional affairs and was he willing to be transparent and rebuild trust?

          What issues made him want to leave before?

          What is his general personality?

          What is your general personality?

          Much love to you!

          Like

          • NB
            April 29, 2016 at 11:39 am #

            April, my husband says he believes but he doesnt read the bible or goes to church. When we met he was very shy, i was his first. He was very affectionate. At the top of my controlling days i rejected him in public couple of times. Since then he shut down his affection towards me.

            Today when i got home after work, we talked some more. He was very defensive and told me that I put negativity on everything he has ever done in our whole marriage. That I always assume the worst of him and he is sick of it. I apologized again and told him that he willl never hear from me about the texting ever again. He says that if I have to read a book (referring to the marriage books i have bern studying since our problems started.)

            Liked by 1 person

            • NB
              April 29, 2016 at 12:28 pm #

              Ok, had to leave and didn’t finish my comment. He says if I have to read a book in order to accept him for who he is then my natural personality is what matters- disrespectful and controlling.
              Then he said something that tells me he is conflicted himself about the whole texting issue. He said he was afraid that girl will assume he was trying to flirt with her because he was trying too hard to be nice. Sometimes they get into gossiping about work via texting.
              But I made the decision. I will not be mentioning this with him ever again. I told him i will always be there for him. You know every slip up I have he reacts extremely sensitive to it. He then goes into accusing me of all my past sins which were disrespect and control. It seems like he will never forgive me.
              But you are so right April. Right now he is still so wounded, and going through disrespect at work doesn’t make it easier for him either. I will extend grace to him and not expect something he can not give right now. Like affection. As of texting. It’s his issue to deal with. I know if something is going on he will eventually confess. So far when something bothers him about work or about this particular girl he comes to me about it. He told me once that he wasn’t happy to be in a situation where his only friend was a 19 year old girl. We don’t have friends here since we moved here to Europe. So besides me he only communicates with his coworkers…
              April, thank you for helping me through this. I shall persevere.

              Like

              • Peacefulwife
                April 29, 2016 at 10:15 pm #

                NB,

                Your natural personality is your sinful nature. Jesus crucified that on the cross and buried it. You can walk in victory over sin as you allow God’s Spirit to change you. 🙂 And wives don’t automatically know how to respect and honor their husbands, that is why older wives are to teach the younger about this important skill (Titus 2:3-5).

                It seems that when men have felt really disrespected for a long, long time, they get kind of a “disrespect sunburn.” They become extremely sensitive to any hint of disrespect. But as you get rid of the unintentional and intentional disrespect, he will slowly begin to heal, most likely. It will take a long time. You can tell him, “I’m glad you are trying to do what is right and that you have good intentions.” Or, God may prompt you to say nothing because he may take anything you say wrong about the texting thing since you have gotten so upset about it so often.

                As you work on you and your walk with Christ, your sin will fade more and more into the background – and his sin will become more evident to himself. Without you even having to say anything.

                I do think you have the right to expect him not to flirt and not to get emotionally involved or to have an affair. But right now, you coming down on him with a sledgehammer when – in his mind – he isn’t specifically sinning and doesn’t have the same convictions you do – is obviously not being productive. It is repelling him from you. That’s not what we want!

                Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you both, my dear sister! His greatest need is Christ. God may want to change you before your husband’s eyes in order to create a desire in your husband for Jesus. You can’t change your husband. But you can let God change you! That is the best place to be in the world.

                Much love!

                Like

                • NB
                  April 30, 2016 at 7:02 am #

                  Thank you April for walking me through this and clarifying it for me.

                  I checked out the links you gave me and I can’t believe that I recognized myself in a needy woman and insecure woman posts. I would never thought of myself this way. But, yes I would love if my husband would spend every second that he is home with me. I also resented him for going to band practice when we lived in the states. Anything he would do for his fun – I surely put a damper on and he still remembers it all.

                  Also I read you post on convictions and sure enough I do expect him to have same convictions about this communication with his coworkers as me. I really have lots of work to do still on giving him space and not smothering him. It sure goes back to relinquishing control.

                  Thank you for your pointers, April. I know its not going to be eady to ignore the texting thing if it continues but I need to really try it. As you said – controlling him about it is only going to repel him and I don’t want that. I want him to want to be with me. I have noticed that when I “stay on my own paper about things” and give him space, he seems to open up and soften towards me more. Assuming the worst is also something I need to work on. He says I’ve been doing it to him our whole marriage and it was painful to hear as I really thought I was doing the best I thought there was to do.

                  Like

                • NB
                  April 30, 2016 at 3:36 pm #

                  Well April. My gut feeling was right. There is something going on between my husband andthat girl. I think he feels its not right but the fact that therr is something going on between them is there. We talked a little bit and i told him what i have noticed lately and the fact that he is so eatchful over his phone lately. Plus this evening he was saying he was tired and couple of times when i walked n the bedroom he was texting. He said he wouldnt cheat on me and his other thingd he would.stop. i dont believe it. I let him be. I sad i promised im nit saying anything about it anymore but i said he knows it is wrong. So i dont know. Im so tired of it. I knew there wad something i just knew it. It id hid problem though. It hurts but im also tired of being a bad guy in everything. I decided enough of this wallowing. If he eants to gossip and share things with someone else it is his problem if he ends up in an emotional involvment. I think at this point i cant help anything. Im going to pray tonite. For the Lord to shoe me a clear path to walk on.

                  Like

                  • Peacefulwife
                    April 30, 2016 at 9:53 pm #

                    NB,

                    😦

                    Do you know what he is texting about?

                    I, too, pray for God’s wisdom for you. I want to see God’s healing for you both and for your marriage. I’m not sure what the extent is of what he is doing. I pray God will bring it to light and help you see what you need to do to honor Him. I pray for God’s power for you to respond in His Spirit not in sin. I pray for His wisdom about what to say and what not to say and at what point to set a boundary and when/if to confront. I pray for you to seek to grow in Christ yourself. I pray for God to reach your husband. I pray for God’s Spirit to fill you so that you are an instrument of God’s blessing in your husband’s life. And that God gives you His perspective and His eyes for your husband.

                    Much love and a huge hug!

                    April

                    Like

  33. NB
    April 29, 2016 at 2:58 am #

    One more thing- when I told him yesterday that the texting hurts me he got defensive and said “I’m not doing anything”.

    I told myself many times that I’m not going to let myself be bothered by it, I can’t control it, and I dont want this to ruin our intimacy. I was doing really good and we were quite open about it all, he says he just wants to be nice to people he works with, which are all women.

    Of course I blew it yrsterday. However I went back and apologized to him for being disrespectful about the texting. I really need to let it go I understand that. Before I totally repelled him and before he started to sneak around about it…..

    Like

  34. ContentinChrist
    April 29, 2016 at 1:17 pm #

    I know there are prayer warriors on April’s team and people that just read here that are probably already doing this….but, I was just wondering if there might be some that would like to come together in prayer and fasting on a specific day in the near future? (Come together in spirit, that is!)

    Saturday or Sunday or…..???

    Just a thought that hit me. I know that for me, personally, I can see the spiritual battle in a way I never could before and it is intense! We all know the enemy seems to be on a rampage against marriages. Everywhere I turn in my own community, there are more stories of hurting marriages that are on the brink of separation or divorce.

    Liked by 1 person

    • NB
      April 29, 2016 at 1:43 pm #

      Im in! I will join in from Europe. Im 6 hours aheaf of Eadtern time ig that matters.

      I also feel the Satans.attacks. just when i think im making progress i feel him attacking us mightily. so yes, im interested.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lmsdaily115
        April 29, 2016 at 6:59 pm #

        I’m in too. In Michigan. Just let me know the day.

        Like

    • Quinn
      April 29, 2016 at 3:53 pm #

      I see that spiritual battle too CiC. There are many here in our community that are ending marriages in the range you and I are both in. That 20-25 year mark. It is so striking to me that it is always in that range. I think that is significant. There must be a reason the enemy is targeting that specifically.

      I would gladly join in. Just let me know when!

      Like

    • ContentinChrist
      April 30, 2016 at 10:51 am #

      How about tomorrow (Sunday)? Does that work for those who would like to?

      Like

      • Lmsdaily115
        April 30, 2016 at 12:41 pm #

        Sure. What is the plan specifically so I can meditate and prepare for putting my heart right and joining in warrior type prayer?

        Like

        • ContentinChrist
          April 30, 2016 at 1:48 pm #

          How about we all discuss ways that we think God might be leading us to pray?

          I want to specifically pray that God will take what Satan intends for evil in all of these marriages….all around the world….and that God will in fact, allow these marriages in a sense to “die” to what they were and be rebuilt on a solid foundation of Jesus Christ. Satan wants the marriage and family to totally be destroyed, but God will use it in the most opposite beautiful way….to bring the individuals and the children in those families to Christ and that they will be sold out for Christ – non-compromising believers and followers of Jesus Christ that will be part of the mighty work God is doing in these days.

          I want to pray for unbelieving spouses to come to Christ in a powerful way and that their spouses and others in their lives will be simply shocked with the transformation that occurs when Christ gets a hold of their hearts.

          I want to pray for those who are “waiting” or “standing” for their marriages to also be willing to see what God is wanting to change in them, to be humble enough to work on strongholds or areas in their lives that God points out to them in the waiting time.

          I also do not think it’s important to get hung up on praying a “perfect” way to get results. We come to God in faith, we pray what He lays on our hearts, we know that He has said fasting is good and needed for certain circumstances of intense spiritual warfare. We are humbling ourselves coming before Him saying “Oh, God…we don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on You.” We aren’t trying to force His hand, but we are desperate for His work and healing and to see His strong arm of salvation. And, we come with expectant faith that He will answer our prayers and act. We don’t come hoping He will hear or hoping He will do something. We come believing He will.

          I’m sure I have more, but that’s enough for now. 🙂

          Would love to hear from others….

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            April 30, 2016 at 4:07 pm #

            Love this, CIC!! I am honored to pray these things with you. 🙂

            Like

          • Humbled Husband
            April 30, 2016 at 4:15 pm #

            Wow CiC. So many things here that I will pray for with you all.

            I especially like the thought of the old marriage dying to be remade new. I have been thinking about the scripture “unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies it cannot bring forth fruit” and whilst it is probably written in the context of Christ dying it is relevant to marriage as well.

            Do you all want to pray at the same time? If so how are you going to organise it with different time zones? It is already Sunday morning here.

            HH

            Like

            • Lmsdaily115
              April 30, 2016 at 5:50 pm #

              I personally want to fast for the day and sing praise music. I want to pray prone and pray proverbs 3:5-6.

              Trust in the Lord with all your heart
              and lean not on your own understanding;
              6 in all your ways submit to him,
              and he will make your paths straight.[a]

              I want to ask my prayer partners to pray the subjects that CiC talked about. However, we all have a relationship with God and I’m sure He can guide us by the Holy Spirit to show us how we can best please him.

              Like

              • Humbled Husband
                April 30, 2016 at 7:13 pm #

                I am really humbled and aware that I feel my own pain more than others. I hope this doesn’t limit God’s working but I will be praying today for you all. HH

                Like

                • ContentinChrist
                  May 2, 2016 at 8:10 pm #

                  Me, too — I totally understand what you’re saying. I feel like God is showing me in my pain, as others are so compassionately reaching out to me and praying for me, that I have been woefully lacking in doing the same for others in their trials.

                  Til Christ is formed in us —

                  Like

                  • Humbled Husband
                    May 2, 2016 at 9:53 pm #

                    I think I have come to an understanding on this this morning. I spent some prayer time and ended up along the following thought train.

                    In me, love for others is lacking sorely. Love for others from the heart would allow me to deal with their sins against me in the right way and show them genuine acceptance and humility.

                    1 Corinthians 13 says that “Love doesn’t seek it’s own”. I’m wrestling with this thinking how does one come to a point where others are more important? Where I truly seek others blessing from the heart?

                    Philippians 2 says that Christ “being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be used to His own advantage”. Hmmm….something here.

                    Galatians 5 says that “the fruit of the Spirit is love”. Picture becoming clearer.

                    Luke 11 gives the example of a father giving his child food when the child asks and says “if you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”.

                    Bingo! Here is the answer.

                    Love for others is a direct result of the infilling and outpouring of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. So my specific and faith filled prayer today is that God would give me an ever increasing outpouring of His Holy Spirit.

                    Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 3, 2016 at 8:22 am #

                      YES! Exactly, HH!!!!!! 🙂 Love this!

                      Like

                    • Humbled Husband
                      May 4, 2016 at 5:03 am #

                      Ok. Well I was absolutely certain that I would be filled to overflowing with the Spirit after this prayer! I saw the truth of it and knew God would give me His Spirit. I waited in joyful anticipation all day but didn’t receive it. Went to sleep a bit down and woke up the next day really down and struggling to work. Hmmm.

                      I read through the post How to be filled with the Spirit and noticed this written in the comments.

                      I had to repent to my husband, of course, but also to his parents, my parents, my brother, my sister and my sister’s husband. I had been controlling toward all of them, and disrespectful toward all of them. I was prideful and self-righteous. I tried to tell them all what to do. I was resentful, bitter, and unforgiving. I went to each of them and humbled myself and said basically, “I realize now that I have been very disrespectful to you. I have also been prideful, self-righteous, controlling, and unforgiving. I have participated in gossip against you. I thought I knew best what you should do in your life. I was very wrong. I hope you can forgive me.” 

                      How do you know if you need to repent to someone of specifics? Could that limit the Spirit from filling me? Searching for answers here. I want to love like Christ!

                      HH

                      Like

                    • Lmsdaily115
                      May 4, 2016 at 6:13 am #

                      HH, there is no secret “checklist” of things you need to do to be filled with the Holy Spirit. It’s more of what you are drawn to do. Just noticing this comment and contemplating on it might just be that type of drawing. God can and will send the right people across your path at just the right time. An idea can come out of nowhere and you just “feel” a need for action or to talk to someone, or to meditate on a certain subject to learn.

                      For me. It feels a bit like letting the breeze blow me to whete I need to be. Being willing to follow the subtle signed and smallish directions. We tend to want to follow the large, obvious and flashy things, but that is usually the “wide path that leads to destruction”. The narrow path is less obvious.

                      I, too, repented to my in laws, my mom, dad, brother, and many friends. I felt I needed to come clean about me recognizing my sin and repenting for it. Hope it helps. It is a process, there is no “instant” learning. It took 12 years of school before graduation, right?

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 4, 2016 at 8:02 am #

                      HH,

                      You already have the Holy Spirit. God has given it to you. 🙂 We have all of the spiritual treasures and riches of heaven in Christ the moment we receive Him. Of course, we can block the Spirit or grieve Him if we are cherishing sin in our hearts. I pray God will help you learn to access what He has already provided and generously given.

                      God can prompt you if there is sin in your life you need to repent of to others.

                      Like

                    • Humbled Husband
                      May 4, 2016 at 5:56 am #

                      I have a burning question. It has plagued me for a long time and I am not sure if it is a fiery dart from the enemy or if it is a solemn message from God.

                      Bear with me for a moment. It’s a longish post. I most definitely, categorically, undoubtedly and implicitly entered a living relationship with Christ February 2009. It is clear as crystal the overwhelming conviction of the Spirit and then the flooding and overwhelming peace when I heard the words “this is why I gave Jesus”. There is not a single doubt that I was forgiven and made clean then, not a doubt.

                      BUT. The natural cares of life, financial pressure, relationship struggles and so forth drained me and I slowly walked away from this life over 6 years. I always maintained church fellowship but I did not spend the time I needed with God. I slipped into several bad habits such as watching TV every night instead of spending the time with God or family. I struggled with lust, pride and self a lot. I wasn’t walking in the Spirit.

                      Skip to 2014 and a major health crisis made me sit up and start dealing with these things. I turned back to God in a big way. Then a failed business venture April 2015. Then the same month my wife’s issues came to light and since then I have fallen on my face to seek God and walk with Him daily.

                      My question. Is it possible that my wife leaving is a punishment for walking in sin from 2009 to 2015 after my salvation? I have repented of every single sin that I am aware of and asked God to show me all that I am not aware of. I am fully aware of my own inability to walk in purity without the power of His Spirit. Is God hiding His face from me and refusing to pour out His Spirit upon me because of these years?

                      Hebrews 10:26-31 states “If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” and again, “The Lord will judge his people.” It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”

                      Ananias and Saphira were killed for lying about their property sale.

                      What thoughts can y’all give me? HH

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 4, 2016 at 8:09 am #

                      HH,

                      What your wife is doing – it seems to me – has to do with her own lack of faith in God, her lack of knowing Christ. It seems to me that it is about her own choices and sin issues. God doesn’t tempt anyone to sin. He hates divorce. I believe she has been dragged away by her own evil desires and enticed (James 1). She is responsible for that before God.

                      I see no evidence that God hides his face from those who repent and who no longer have any condemnation before Him because they are in Christ. When God sees you, He sees the righteousness of Jesus.

                      God disciplines believers, but I don’t believe that He punishes us. There is a difference!

                      I believe this is a time of spiritual pruning and refining for you. I believe God will bring great good from this trial. But I want to be careful that we don’t try to take responsibility for other people’s sinful choices.

                      Like

                    • prayinglikehannah
                      May 4, 2016 at 8:57 am #

                      “God disciplines believers, but I don’t believe that He punishes us. There is a difference!” Interesting… April can you elaborate on what the difference is? Thanks

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 5, 2016 at 12:12 pm #

                      PrayinglikeHannah,

                      Sure!

                      God disciplines His children for our good. To create Christ more and more in us. To heal us. To make us more holy. To prune us and purify us. To cleanse us of remaining sin.

                      Jesus endured God’s punishment and wrath against sin on our behalf on the cross. When God punishes a nation, He often destroys them entirely. Not always. Sometimes He leaves a remnant to accomplish His purposes, as He did with Israel and also with Egypt. But punishment is often more about justice and destruction.

                      Here are some posts about this:

                      at gotquestions.org

                      John Piper explains how God disciplines believers but that Jesus took our punishment.

                      Like

                    • Lmsdaily115
                      May 4, 2016 at 10:06 am #

                      HH. I’m smiling right now, because I have been in the same place and struggled in the same way. 1 John :1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His word is not in us.”
                      My thoughts here are that when we ask for forgiveness from God, then it is done. However, it doesn’t mean we have forgiveness from PEOPLE. Forgiveness is a gift. It also helps the forgive more than the forgive so that they don’t fall into bitterness and contempt. But also, if God just gave us all our desires as soon as we said sorry, we would not really experience the consequences of our sin. God forgives us so we don’t have to have eternal death. We have life. But it does not save us from the consequences of our injustice, hurtful actions, and other wrongs towards other people…it is up to those individuals to forgive you…or not. But even the heart that seeks to please God is blessed. You may not do it right, every day, but He knows your motives. Your hearts desire to please Him is seen.

                      If your child swings a toy around and you have told him to stop and he refuses, then hits another child in the head with it and makes him bleed, you can forgive the child for his disobedience, but you cannot make the other kid forgive your child for the injury your child caused, right? God gives us all free will. The other child could choose to forgive and agree to kerp playing with your child, OR the other child could never want to play with your child again. It’s his choice. Your child still is dealing with the consequences of his actions, but his father has forgiven his disobedience.

                      I don’t think you are being “punished” for your hiatus from living a cording to God’s plan, I think you have been forgiven, but it is a constant, daily battle to resist the enemy. I felt shame to myself for my sins fir so long. I knew that God forgave me, but I never forgave myself. Could that be your struggle? Have you been able to look at yourself in the mirror and truly let yourself accept that you are imperfect, have daily capability to sin, will not always choose the right thing? It’s humbling. But it’s who we are as humans. This is our inescapable truth. Yet, only with God can we overcome this. It won’t ever be complete until we leave thus earth and go be with God in heaven. But daily, God is our goid father teaching us. We are his children. How do you guide your children? Learning and growing is an ongoing process. In 20 years, you will look back and think about how little you knewvthen, yet right now, you realize how little you knew just 7 years ago!!! Praise God for his patience, mercy and grace for us!

                      I pray that you are learning to accept the forgiveness God has given you and forgive yourself as well. I pray that forgiveness from others does not become an idol in your heart. God’s forgiveness is supreme, all else is just sprinkles on the cake. Ou cannot change or force others to feel forgiveness towards you. Can you still live a life that honors God without it? You may have to get used to the idea that your wife may never forgive you and you will never have that. Will it change how you live your life? Will it make you discouragesd, bitter or distrusting? I pray it does not. God asks us to forgive others to honor Him, but also to not give a foothold to the devil. We cannot be the source of salvation for our spouses. That is their own journey…we can’t bring them to God on our own. We can be living testimony by living a life that honors God and shows how to respond and act that is not sinful, but we won’t always get it right. Sometimes we can only do our best, but constantly be willing to improve.

                      God says that if you simply seek Him, you will be rewarded. You don’t even have to FIND Him, only search for Him…yet the reward will come. What a loving God!!!

                      I am happy to see you searching for these answers…very healthy! I will pray for wisdom to you from God on His gifts and love for you. I pray you can love yourself as God loves you. I pray you can understand the free will that God gives all His children…including you, your spouse and others. I pray that you continue to ask for discernment and seek time with God daily to stay following our gift of the Holy Spirit inside us so that we have our direct orders and connection from God Himself.

                      I’m glad you are here with us all, HH. Your insights and questions help solidify my own faith!

                      I hope this helps to

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 5, 2016 at 10:10 am #

                      Thank you for this LMSdaily!!! 🙂

                      Like

                    • Humbled Husband
                      May 4, 2016 at 7:02 pm #

                      Oh man. No words again.

                      LMS your post spoke to me in the biggest way. I am sobbing on the ground.

                      No I hadn’t been able to forgive myself. I have still been beating myself up for seven years. Your words reminded me of the peace that filled me seven years when I knew I was forgiven of God but I never forgave myself!

                      Oh wow. So much freedom. Wow.

                      Like

                • Lmsdaily115
                  May 4, 2016 at 10:26 am #

                  This came to me today from Joel Osteen and I thought of you, HH.

                  Today’s Scripture “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
                  (Romans 8:28 SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS For Your Good

                  Every person goes through disappointments and things that don’t seem to make sense. It’s easy to get discouraged and think, “Why did this happen to me?” “Why did my loved one not make it?” “Why did this person treat me wrong?” “Why did I get laid off?” A man recently told us how he lost his job after many years. He just didn’t understand it. He said, “I gave that company my best. I was always there on time. I was loyal. It’s just not right.”

                  We have to understand that even though life is not always fair, God is fair. He promises that He will work all things together for our good. The key word in today’s verse is “together.” In other words, don’t just isolate one part of your life and say, “Well, this is not good.” “It’s not good that I got laid off.” “It’s not good that my child got sick.” “It’s not good that my relationship didn’t work out.” Yes, that’s true, but that’s just one part of your life. God can see the big picture. That disappointment is not the end. Your life doesn’t stop because of one setback. That is simply one piece of your puzzle. There is another piece coming to connect it all because God promises to work all things together for your good!

                  A Prayer for Today “Father, thank You for working all things together for my good. I choose to release any doubt, frustration or confusion over my past, and I choose to trust in You. Help me to see the big picture as I keep my mind stayed on You in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

                  Like

                  • Lmsdaily115
                    May 5, 2016 at 6:07 am #

                    HH, I’m so glad that this reply was a blessing to you! You are loved and cherished deeply by God, the good father. I pray you find that peace in knowing and accepting it. Read the story of the prodigal son for a picture of how a father feels when His son returns to Him. Bless you, brother

                    Like

            • ContentinChrist
              April 30, 2016 at 6:40 pm #

              Whatever you wish to do, HH, whatever God lays on your heart. You could fast on your Sunday or you can wait and fast with us. It is 6:40 p.m Saturday evening where I am right now. 🙂

              Like

              • Humbled Husband
                May 1, 2016 at 3:46 am #

                Well I started praying this afternoon after the kids left and I will continue into the night.

                I started praying for all of you by name and I began to feel angry. This confused me. I haven’t felt anger in 7 years and it made me nervous. I started thinking through the anger and I realised that I am angry at the injustice of sin. Angry at the enemy for the lies and pain that He is inflicting on so many of us. Angry at the lies that I believed. Angry at the lies my wife believes. Angry that the enemy is still fighting against the reconciliation that God is working towards. So I am praying with an anger against sin tonight.

                Like

                • Ev
                  May 1, 2016 at 5:21 am #

                  I love this CIC ! I will pray for what you proposed too.
                  I would like to pray that God allows us to forgive our husbands or wives from our heart.

                  Like

                  • ContentinChrist
                    May 1, 2016 at 7:53 pm #

                    Yes, I agree with that prayer. That is a great prayer. Because, sometimes, I think we can fool ourselves to think we’ve forgiven when maybe we really haven’t.

                    Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  May 1, 2016 at 6:52 am #

                  HH,

                  That is called righteous anger – and it is appropriate for us to have anger against sin and against the pain and injustice sin has caused. Thank you for sharing, and for praying fervently!

                  Like

                • Ev
                  May 1, 2016 at 6:55 am #

                  Humbled Husband,

                  Please do not pray in anger. I had the same feeling yesterday. I started to feel angry while thinking about the injustice of sin, and then the Holy Spirit made me to not think about that. I felt that I should leave this topic to God. 🙂

                  I found a nice interview with John Piper, on Desiring God, about the forgiveness of sins.

                  I hope it will bless you all :

                  http://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/if-i-fail-to-forgive-others-will-god-not-forgive-me

                  Like

                  • Peacefulwife
                    May 1, 2016 at 7:26 am #

                    Ev,

                    If our anger is against SIN and Satan, not against people – our anger is appropriate. God hates sin and He has righteous anger against injustice and the pain sin causes and against all evil. But yes, if we are angry or unforgiving toward people, that is a big problem. 🙂 Thanks for sharing this post.

                    Like

                    • Ev
                      May 1, 2016 at 8:21 am #

                      Thank you for clarifying April. You are right.
                      My question is : is it appropriate to pray to God in anger ? Thanks.

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 1, 2016 at 8:24 am #

                      Ev,

                      It would not be appropriate to pray with anger toward God – but it is appropriate to pray with anger toward unrighteousness. God, Himself, is angry toward sin and injustice.

                      We are at war against spiritual powers, principalities and demons – we are to have holy anger against them and against sin.

                      Verses about God’s wrath toward sin:

                      https://www.openbible.info/topics/wrath_of_god

                      5 Truths about the Wrath of God – John Piper http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/five-truths-about-the-wrath-of-god

                      Like

                    • Ev
                      May 1, 2016 at 8:52 am #

                      Thank you April. It’s a subject I have to study. 🙂

                      Like

                • ContentinChrist
                  May 1, 2016 at 3:22 pm #

                  That reminds me of what happened to the wife in War Room as she started praying seriously. I agree….I think that’s some warfare type prayer right there that motivates you to pray in a different way. Interesting to see how God moved you, HH, to pray in that way.

                  For myself, I just came through a couple of hours of intense fear and confusion which I realized after a friend prayed over me was definitely from the enemy.

                  Like

                • Quinn
                  May 1, 2016 at 4:04 pm #

                  HH this is the righteous anger I spoke of in another comment that came over me too. It welled up in me in a way I had never experienced either. It was a time of powerful prayer that at the end was when I received my heart’s healing and the compassion for my husband. I pray God is going to do that same healing work in you and this righteous anger you feel will lead to powerful prayers that bring glory to God.

                  Like

                  • Humbled Husband
                    May 1, 2016 at 8:21 pm #

                    I did not receive any healing through this prayer.

                    I have entered a serious battle with doubt today. Sending the kids back home each weekend is getting harder and harder. I even began looking up painless ways to end life 😦 I am writing this because I read that acknowledging this is a good way to make sure you don’t follow through.

                    Then my mind thinks “My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in Christ” and “Abraham died not having received the things promised” and I waver and struggle.

                    Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 1, 2016 at 8:33 pm #

                      HH,

                      God used your post on FB to reach over 1500 people with hope and such a powerful illustration of how we can trust Him and how good He is. The enemy may be speaking to you and whispering terrible temptations, but this story is not over. You are in the “plot thickening” part right now – not the conclusion. Don’t give up, our brother! Continue to allow God to fill you to overflowing. He is good!

                      Abraham did receive some things that God promised – Isaac, for example. And his descendants have received many of GOd’s promises and many are still being fulfilled today and will be fulfilled in the coming years. I know you know – God is faithful and He keeps His promises. 🙂

                      And YES! God will supply all of your needs!!!

                      The enemy wants to shot you down. He wants to destroy your faith and all that God desires to do in and through you and your family. But God is much greater!

                      Lift your eyes to Christ!!! Check out these songs…

                      Like

                    • Humbled Husband
                      May 1, 2016 at 8:46 pm #

                      It is intense fire. I want to sing a victory song.

                      Like

                    • ContentinChrist
                      May 1, 2016 at 10:21 pm #

                      Father, I lift up HH right now to you. In the name of Jesus, I pray that You will wash over Him with your peace and comfort. I pray that You will give him eyes to see that he is under spiritual attack and that You are not the author of fear and confusion and despair. I pray that as he comes through this bump in the road, he would come out on the other side with increased faith, increased boldness, increased power in You, God. Take what the enemy means for evil in Your son’s life and use it for good!

                      We put our eyes back on you, Jesus. From You and through You and to You are all things! All!! You are carrying HH in Your arms, You will never leave or forsake Him. You know the good plans You have for him….Help him to be still and know that You are God. This is a time of surrender again – of which there will be many more to come in our life on this earth.

                      Thank you, Jesus!

                      Amen

                      Like

                    • Quinn
                      May 2, 2016 at 12:14 am #

                      Brother, do NOT listen to the enemy’s lies! Your children need you HERE. I know the pain of losing a parent to suicide. You do not want to leave your children with that kind of pain. It changes a child, leaves unspeakable scars and lasts a lifetime.

                      Please seek help immediately if you are feeling suicidal.

                      Lord, we lift HH to you and ask you to bring help to him right now. We bind and rebuke the evil plan satan is trying to unleash upon his mind. Give HH peace in his mind, his heart and renewed hope that all will be well. Amen.

                      Remember HH the enemy fights us the hardest when we have a huge victory ahead. He is throwing all his tricks at you to get you to quit so the glorious plan God has won’t come to fruition. Don’t fall for his lying schemes.

                      Stay in the Word and speak the Word out anytime the enemy tries to whisper in your ear. Use the Word against him. Find your favorites verses and say them LOUD and STRONG. Let the enemy know who you belong to! Remind him who already defeated him!

                      Like

                    • Humbled Husband
                      May 3, 2016 at 1:42 am #

                      I am glad that my post reached so many people.
                      May the boat stay afloat.

                      Like

                • ContentinChrist
                  May 1, 2016 at 10:24 pm #

                  On a lighter note….wow, HH….you haven’t felt anger in 7 years!!!??? I think you may have something to teach us here. 🙂 Lord, give me some of that!!! lol

                  Like

                  • Humbled Husband
                    May 2, 2016 at 9:25 am #

                    CiC. You do not want to go on the journey I have walked to overcome anger!! 🙂 HH

                    Like

          • Flower
            May 1, 2016 at 2:04 pm #

            I like this idea! 🙂

            I would also like to add a prayer that those of us that may not be prayer warrior types yet will learn and grow in this area so that we can be more helpful to each other and to our own situations.

            In Christ,
            Flower

            Like

            • ContentinChrist
              May 1, 2016 at 3:15 pm #

              Yes!! Amen. God will show you that spiritual weapons are best. There are so many promises regarding prayer in His Word that I wonder how many things we don’t have simply because we didn’t ask (as James says, I think!) It is a mystery that God would allow us to come boldly before His throne and that He would change events and move mountains simply because we come, in faith, believing in His power and goodness. Praying for you right now, Flower, that God will do a mighty work in you in this area! I need lots more work in this area myself!!!

              Like

              • ContentinChrist
                May 1, 2016 at 3:23 pm #

                I should clarify for my conscience’s sake! My friends counseled me with God’s wisdom and spoke words of blessing over me rather than pray.

                Like

          • Quinn
            May 1, 2016 at 3:53 pm #

            I don’t think I could add much more to what you so beautifully stated! I am praying today with you for all these things! God be praised and may marriages be saved in His glory!

            Like

            • Lmsdaily115
              May 1, 2016 at 5:44 pm #

              My prayers today surprised me with anger as well. I was brought to sobbing tears with grief over the sin on Earth and how overwhelming that grief is for one person, yet God handles it with 7.4 billion of us sinners!!!! I was moved to share my learned wisdom about the bleeding lady in Mark 5:25. I shared it in April’s Blog about trusting God.

              We are so reluctant to seek God first, we exhaust ourselves trying to live in our own power. I prayed thst we all seek God first and for Him to orchestrate His perfect will and timing in our lives.

              Like

        • NB
          April 30, 2016 at 3:41 pm #

          Sunday works for me too.

          Like

  35. Jessica
    April 30, 2016 at 1:14 am #

    I needed this tonight. Thank you April

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 30, 2016 at 6:45 am #

      Jessica,

      You are most welcome, my dear sister. If we can all pray for you – please let us know!

      Like

  36. Ev
    May 1, 2016 at 4:54 am #

    Christ is risen !
    The Orthodox Christians celebrate Easter today !

    So, I’m in too ! I will be praying today with you and for you all !
    Thanks.

    Like

    • Grace
      May 1, 2016 at 12:25 pm #

      Truly He is risen!!!
      I am Orthodox too! Did you hear the wonderful Paschal sermon by St. John Chrysostom last night in your church? I was thinking of everyone here during it.

      “If any man be devout and love God, let him enjoy this fair and radiant triumphal feast. If any man be a wise servant, let him rejoicing enter into the joy of his Lord. If any have labored long in fasting, let him now receive his recompense. If any have wrought from the first hour, let him today receive his just reward. If any have come at the third hour, let him with thankfulness keep the feast. If any have arrived at the sixth hour, let him have no misgivings; because he shall in nowise be deprived thereof. If any have delayed until the ninth hour, let him draw near, fearing nothing. If any have tarried even until the eleventh hour, let him, also, be not alarmed at his tardiness; for the Lord, who is jealous of his honor, will accept the last even as the first; he gives rest unto him who comes at the eleventh hour, even as unto him who has wrought from the first hour.

      And he shows mercy upon the last, and cares for the first; and to the one he gives, and upon the other he bestows gifts. And he both accepts the deeds, and welcomes the intention, and honors the acts and praises the offering. Wherefore, enter you all into the joy of your Lord; and receive your reward, both the first, and likewise the second. You rich and poor together, hold high festival. You sober and you heedless, honor the day. Rejoice today, both you who have fasted and you who have disregarded the fast. The table is full-laden; feast ye all sumptuously. The calf is fatted; let no one go hungry away.

      Enjoy ye all the feast of faith: Receive ye all the riches of loving-kindness. let no one bewail his poverty, for the universal kingdom has been revealed. Let no one weep for his iniquities, for pardon has shown forth from the grave. Let no one fear death, for the Savior’s death has set us free. He that was held prisoner of it has annihilated it. By descending into Hell, He made Hell captive. He embittered it when it tasted of His flesh. And Isaiah, foretelling this, did cry: Hell, said he, was embittered, when it encountered Thee in the lower regions. It was embittered, for it was abolished. It was embittered, for it was mocked. It was embittered, for it was slain. It was embittered, for it was overthrown. It was embittered, for it was fettered in chains. It took a body, and met God face to face. It took earth, and encountered Heaven. It took that which was seen, and fell upon the unseen.

      O Death, where is your sting? O Hell, where is your victory? Christ is risen, and you are overthrown. Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen. Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice. Christ is risen, and life reigns. Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in the grave. For Christ, being risen from the dead, is become the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. To Him be glory and dominion unto ages of ages. Amen.”

      Liked by 1 person

  37. Humbled Husband
    May 4, 2016 at 6:35 am #

    Ok I have to share some things that have happened today and in the past couple of days. No, it’s not related to marriage healing but it is God at work I’m sure.

    This morning I received a text from a friend who doesn’t know our situation saying that he woke up thinking of me and wanted to let me know that.

    This evening I received a text from my wife’s cousin who also doesn’t know our situation and wanted to say that he’d been thinking of me and that I was a great husband and father.

    On the weekend I received a text from a friend saying that I am the one friend apart from Jesus who he can trust implicitly (wow and scary).

    Yesterday some friends said that the changes in me over the last two years have been phenomenal and encouraged them to seek the Lord much more.

    Sunday a friend at church said to me that he has been humbled by how much I am searching for Christ and by the reality of my faith in this crisis and he was moved to tears by my desire and commitment to seek God’s will.

    Last night the elders of the church met with me (they were notified of the separation this week) and talked through the situation and confirmed that I have been a blessing to the church in the last two years and encouraged me to continue as I am.

    Last Friday a friend met with me and said that He has been challenged deeply in his faith by the way I am seeking the Lord through the pain.

    I have had so many people confirming to me that I am on the right path! I do not boast in anything save the cross of Christ but these things have been such an encouragement to me 🙂 HH

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      May 4, 2016 at 8:09 am #

      HH,

      That is a lot of confirmation, my brother, that God is powerfully at work in you!

      Like

    • Lmsdaily115
      May 4, 2016 at 10:18 am #

      HH, so tell me again how you are NOT feeling the spirit upon you???!!! This just screams to me that He hears you and is working on your behalf! He is greatly pleased by your righteous living. You have finally found what being a Christian is all about! ” what you do unto the least of my people, you do unto me”. So your wife may not be among the list gere, but look how many other of God’s children (don’t forget PW blog people) you have helped to come back to Him. Your wife is not your only sister in Christ! Alleluia for God’s ways working through you! Do not be discouraged, He is communicating with you and telling you “well done, my good and faithful servant”. Seems to me you are on the right track. You are a beacon of God’s love for others to see. Praise Him!

      Like

      • Victorious Wife
        May 4, 2016 at 10:25 am #

        HH, I haven’t chimed in much but I’ve been reading all of the comments on this post, and just wanted to remind you that our feelings are not absolute truth. They are gauges to warn us at times, and God does give us emotions, but we are not to use our feelings as determinations and say that because we don’t “feel” God or the Holy Spirit, He must not be filling us or present with us.

        You are displaying the fruits of the Spirit, and He is with you, because He promised He would be when you seek Him! You are seeking Him earnestly. Trust the truth of Scripture, and rest in His promises. 🙂

        Like

        • Humbled Husband
          May 4, 2016 at 10:17 pm #

          Thank you Victorious Wife 🙂

          Like

    • Humbled Husband
      May 4, 2016 at 7:08 pm #

      I guess I think I don’t feel the Holy Spirit as I have so many times where I think of myself over others (not love), feel really sad and lonely in the mornings (not joy), have a lot of heartache (not peace).

      I kind of imagined it to be a massive flow like Quinn wrote where I would all of a sudden be able to love people with no thought for my own welfare, be able to see my wife’s sins and not be personally hurt by them and so on.

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        May 4, 2016 at 8:50 pm #

        HH,

        Having the Holy Spirit does not make us immune from pain. It makes us immune from sinful thinking and the pain of sinful and wrong thinking. But not from the pain of sin. Sin hurts. It grieves God, Himself. There will be sadness and difficult emotions to wade through when we have the Holy Spirit and at the same time, there is joy in Christ. And we can worship and praise Him and rejoice in Him even in our sorrow and grief and pain. We can take our pain to Him and He can help us.

        If God is hurt by sin, surely we will be, too!

        Like

  38. Jenzabenz
    May 7, 2016 at 5:03 pm #

    Another encouraging article – Thank you. I’ve been “in the trenches” for several months now. God has used your book/website in a wonderful way in my life. Thank you for your faithfulness in reminding women to put Christ first and to find true meaning/fulfillment in Him. I can’t tell you what a sincere encouragement and help you’ve been. I’m going through the most painful time I’ve ever known, but God is near and is giving me comfort (and even joy) through the many tears.

    Like

  39. Peacefulwife
    May 8, 2016 at 7:12 am #

    I shared this on my Peaceful Wife Blog FB page this morning:

    Mother’s Day is a tough day for so many people for a variety of reasons:

    – those who don’t have a good relationship with their mom or children right now
    – those who have lost their mom to death
    – those who are unable to have children (for whatever reason) and those who are struggling with infertility
    – those who are not married but long for children
    – those who have lost a baby or child
    – those who feel unappreciated as wives/moms
    – husbands who are separated/divorced from their wives
    – wives who are separated/divorced from their husbands
    – those with dysfunctional family dynamics
    – those who are separated from family and loved ones by distance
    – those who are sick or in the hospital
    – those who feel their expectations about this day haven’t been met
    – those with mothers who are suffering from dementia or other chronic or terminal diseases

    Let’s pray for those who are hurting today,

    Lord,
    We thank You for marriage, for families, and for Your beautiful design. We praise You for the wisdom You had in creating families and human relationships that are the bedrock of our lives and our societies. There are many for whom Mother’s Day is a very difficult day.

    Wrap Your arms around each one who is hurting today. Lift their heads to look into Your eyes blazing with love for them. Help them to cling to You alone. You have promised, “never will I leave you, never will I forsake you,” and we rejoice in this amazing promise and the 8000 other promises in Your Word for us! We hold You dear to our hearts as the Greatest Treasure there is. Pour Your comfort, healing, rest, and hope into hurting hearts around the world today. Fill our minds, hearts, and mouths with thanksgiving and praise to You. Help us to focus on Philippians 4:8 things (whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy).

    Help us to take our thoughts captive for Christ and shoot down the destructive thoughts from the flaming arrows of the enemy on which he would like us to meditate. Let us be still before You and know that You alone are God. Let us allow You to fill us to overflowing with Your Spirit and Your goodness. Shine brightly through us today. Use us in mighty ways for Your kingdom to bless others. Turn this day into something that brings glory to You in our lives even in the midst of our pain.

    In the Name and power of Christ,
    Amen!

    Like

    • Humbled Husband
      May 8, 2016 at 7:29 am #

      Thank you for your prayer April.

      Mothers Day this year also happens to be my birthday.

      It was a lonely day.

      May God bring this season to an end soon.

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        May 8, 2016 at 8:49 am #

        HH,

        Happy birthday our dear brother!!!! I have been praying for you and others here who are hurting deeply. I know that God is creating something so beautiful and powerful in you in this fierce storm.

        In Him,
        April

        Like

        • Humbled Husband
          May 8, 2016 at 6:45 pm #

          Thank you April!

          I don’t have many words lately.

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            May 8, 2016 at 6:52 pm #

            HH,
            That is okay. We are all still here together. If you want to talk, let us know. 🙂

            Like

            • Humbled Husband
              May 8, 2016 at 7:11 pm #

              Thank you 🙂

              I am finding that my faith is being challenged very much. Each new ‘stage’ of the separation brings new pain. For example seeing them move into their own home, birthdays, mothers day etc.

              I went away for the weekend to see my siblings… (edited out by PW for privacy)

              And then she comes around with the kids this morning to borrow some groceries and sits on the couch with her head in her hands. Says she’s doing terrible.

              It’s creating situations that are frankly difficult for me to deal with.

              My faith must be in God alone, not my pastors words, my parents words, your words etc. I am struggling a bit in my little boat.

              HH

              Like

              • Peacefulwife
                May 8, 2016 at 7:53 pm #

                Humbled Husband,

                I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this would be. I pray for God’s wisdom, strength, direction, and power for you!

                Yes, I agree – this has to be all you and God. It is a very personal journey. There is a lot of private wrestling to be done.

                Like

                • Humbled Husband
                  May 8, 2016 at 8:13 pm #

                  I think it is good that she is struggling in a way yes. Much as I don’t WANT her to hurt it is probably good that she is facing some of the consequences of her decisions.

                  Like

                  • Humbled Husband
                    May 8, 2016 at 8:28 pm #

                    I’m battling to know how to handle it. I’m taking the approach of 1 Corinthians 6 of “letting myself be wronged” and trusting God to provide. I think she knows that she is not handling it rightly and my grace may well be a good thing. But I am definitely struggling to know the best approach. HH

                    Like

                    • Bel
                      May 10, 2016 at 4:03 am #

                      Hi HH, CIC, LMS, April and all.. I’ve been a bit quiet lately but have been feeling really bad as I only just read this whole thread a couple days ago. I had been concentrating on The Surprising Root of Marriage Problems and reading my books and hadn’t even looked at this one. You’ve all been going through so much over here. The strength and advice you’ve all given me is amazing whilst going through your own pain. There’s too much I want to say but I just don’t have it in me.

                      HH I agree with others. Your wife speaking to you and playing music etc is very positive and I know this doesnt mean it’s all gonna be better soon but still, I was VERY happy to read this. CIC you’re the sweetest lady. So encouraging to me and I’m praying for you. LMS it feels like your husband may have jumped a huge hurdle hugging you but I know there’s a long way to go. All I can say is that my prayers are for you all as well each day.

                      I would like to ask for specific prayers for my husbands eyes to be opened to the effects his alcohol addiction is having. I’ve learned the amount he drinks would be causing depression and depleting his male hormones which could be contributing to his lack of desire and good feelings towards me. He’s in a fog of alcohol and I can’t see things changing until he can think clearly It’s going to have to be prayer that changes this. He will not hear it from me or anyone. He said he will end the marriage if I ask him to stop drinking. I’m starting to get angry at the fact that he is controlling my life and future. He’s willing to devastate me and our 3 children for his own selfishness. He’s so blind. Thank you and my thoughts are always with you all. Xx

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 10, 2016 at 7:38 am #

                      Bel,

                      Yes, alcohol is a depressant and can definitely impact testosterone levels significantly.

                      Have you been reaching out for help from anyone – like Celebrate Recovery, Al-Anon or a godly counselor who is familiar with alcoholism?

                      You would rather have the marriage “as is” with the alcoholism than to say that this is not okay and set a boundary? If so, why is that?

                      Yes, someone addicted to alcohol is completely blind. Alcohol is all that matters. They don’t make sound decisions or think about the needs of others. Alcohol is the master and they are the slave.

                      Praying for the resources and wisdom you need to make the best decisions for you and your children.

                      Much love, my dear sister!!!

                      Like

                  • Jennifer
                    May 8, 2016 at 9:48 pm #

                    Happy Birthday, HH. 🙂 I’m so sorry it was a painful one. I will pray for you tonight.

                    I understand not knowing how to handle these things. I’m in that similar circumstance of being wronged and having a few options, but God seems to be leading me to do more of the “turning the other cheek” thing and blessing. I feel like if I get out of the way, God will be able to deal one on one with my husband, rather than my husband hearing my voice and words or seeing the hard-drawn boundaries. I also feel like there is something to overcoming this evil with grace and blessing. It certainly makes the contrast more apparent, I think.

                    All that to say, that doesn’t mean that I think boundaries are wrong or that God can’t and won’t lead you a different way. I pray that you will clearly hear His voice and know which way to go.

                    I also hope that your wife will reach the end of herself sooner rather than later. And, that you will be strong and resist the urge to “save” her from coming to that end. I’d imagine that could be very hard to do, but if God is taking her there, then that is the best thing that could happen,

                    I pray that God surprises you (and others as they see you!) with unexplainable strength, confidence and joy in Him this week!!

                    Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 8, 2016 at 10:22 pm #

                      Love this, thank you, Jennifer! 🙂

                      Like

                    • Humbled Husband
                      May 8, 2016 at 10:33 pm #

                      Thank you Jennifer! You guys are such a blessing. HH

                      Like

                  • Lmsdaily115
                    May 8, 2016 at 10:46 pm #

                    HH, what did you do or say when your wife had her head in her hands and said she wasn’t doing well? I’m curious on how or if you responded.

                    Like

                    • Humbled Husband
                      May 8, 2016 at 10:50 pm #

                      LMS.

                      I said “I am hurting for you”.

                      It felt right to say. HH

                      Like

                    • Lmsdaily115
                      May 9, 2016 at 7:43 am #

                      HH. I hope I’m not prying, but there is something niggling at me here. I know it has been hard for you, your wife, myself and my husband. After a huge blow out this past week, I woke up one morning with my husband wrapped around me in a hug. I thought he hated me. I was at my end, last frayed nerve. I was ready to throw in the towel…then the hug. I melted, I forgave, I found strength again. 1 hug. I may not totally trust it, but I allowed and received it.

                      I don’t know what place you are in, if you would be in a place to hug or hold her just to acknowledge her pain with her. Let her cry or be held. To a woman, it is powerful medicine, to know that your husband cares about your feelings even through it all. Even through all you have been through. It feels like love, forgiveness, and mercy…the things God gives when He takes us under the Eagles wing. Even though it is quite a vulnerable place to put yourself, could you offer your wife that kind of unconditional love even though she has hurt you?

                      I know I would rub my husband’s feet, the whole time telling God that “I don’t want to do this, I don’t think he deserves this, why do I have to do this, God? It’s not fair!!” I literally argued with God about what He was asking me to do. I didn’t want to “stoop” to being vulnerable to this man who hurt me over and over, but I couldn’t escape the feeling of what God wanted me to do….and I wanted to obey God more than I wanted to sit in my self pity. What I found is that it has been a seed planted in the soil of a new garden of our marriage. It has kept a thread of attachment between my husband and I. I see hope. He is not purusing a divorce anymore. But it has taken 1.5 years. We are in no way out of the woods, but, hope is a tiny seedling, growing in a garden.

                      My prayers are with you.

                      Like

                    • Humbled Husband
                      May 9, 2016 at 8:38 am #

                      LMS, I am very glad to hear that your husband is not pursuing a divorce anymore 🙂 I am praising God for that now.

                      Regarding your thoughts, I would HAPPILY offer her a hug and often have to refrain myself from giving her a hug! She is very huggable to me 🙂 The unconditional love being shown towards her is something I am very ready to give. The tricky part is knowing how and when to show that love and at the moment I am CERTAIN that she is not ready for a hug. I don’t know if she ever will be.

                      I have offered a hug in the past couple of weeks when she was struggling a bit and she teared up and said no. But she knows I am ready to give it. Maybe that is enough at this stage?

                      I also want to share something positive with you and y’all 🙂 It’s only minor but it’s helped me today. I’ve been battling to come to faith a bit lately, not really sure what God wants me to believe and struggling to find answers. This morning I simply prayed “Lord I’m struggling. I’m struggling to find answers, struggling to know what to do, struggling with loneliness, struggling to pray in faith, struggling to know where you want me to read and what you want to say to me. I’m just plain old struggling Lord. So I’m just going to lie here struggling until you pick me up and tell me what to do. That’s just where I am at Lord!”

                      Went through the day and did what I needed to do. THEN she called me tonight and asks me if I could come over so we could talk about something (no details needed). I got down on my knees again and said “Lord I have no idea what to say. I’m leaving this with you! I’m just going to go, sit and listen!”

                      So I trundled over and we started talking about what she needed to discuss. Ended up talking over an hour and it was proper communication! She put some music on halfway through (love songs too!?) and we had a drink together. And as I was leaving she was actually mildly flirtatious. Mildly only I emphasise.

                      This is no brilliant reconciliation and to be frank I have no idea if one will happen anytime soon or ever. But what was very encouraging to me regardless of where it goes was that we were both communicating properly. That is good whatever happens. HH

                      Like

                    • Lmsdaily115
                      May 9, 2016 at 10:56 am #

                      Oh my, HH, this is WONDERFUL news! I am praising God right now on a bus full of middle schoolers on my way to Mackinaw island with my daughter. I am smiling big! That is such a good start sign. I pray for many more of these discussions. Hopefully she sees that communication can happen and she can start to trust again. Our God is always Good!

                      Like

                    • Peacefulwife
                      May 9, 2016 at 1:45 pm #

                      HH,

                      This is very good news. 🙂 I love your approach. I am so thankful you got to have a good talk. Praising God with you!

                      Like

                • Humbled Husband
                  May 9, 2016 at 8:27 am #

                  April, we had a lengthy conversation about things tonight and I have come away believing she was honorable in what she took despite how it seemed at face value. I don’t want to reflect her unfairly on here 🙂

                  Like

        • ContentinChrist
          May 8, 2016 at 9:52 pm #

          April, thank you for praying for us. I really can’t tell you what it means to know that you are – I know you are so busy and I know you must get overwhelmed with the stories you hear daily of hurting spouses. Thanks again for your prayers and support.

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            May 8, 2016 at 10:21 pm #

            ContentinChrist,

            You are most welcome. I am honored to get to walk this path with each of you. 🙂 And I am very grateful to get to pray for you. I actually don’t get overwhelmed by people’s trials. I hurt and grieve with each one who is hurting. I rejoice and cry tears of joy as I hear stories of victory and God’s miracles and provision. But I don’t allow myself to carry any of the weight of people’s burdens.

            If I catch myself starting to feel overly burdened, I know I need to go before God in prayer and lay all of the weight down before Him in His throne room in the highest heavens where He reigns in total sovereignty. I don’t know how to fix things. I can’t fix anyone’s problems or heal anyone. I know that I would be crushed by the weight if I tried to carry these heavy burdens. I used to live like that and even with just my own burdens – it was awful! Now, I lay everyone gently at the feet of Jesus. I don’t feel overwhelmed because I trust Him. I know Him. I know what He has done. I know what He can do. I can’t wait to see what He will do in each situation.

            I know my place. I get to walk beside people, pray with them, encourage them, love them, and try to help them see the vision of all that God can do and wants to do. I get to watch people taste and see that God is good. That never gets old. Jesus is the Healer – I am just one of the friends who helps to carry the hurting ones to Him on a mat and watch in awe as His miracles and power unfold in people’s lives. 🙂

            What a blessing that God has given us this place to share together as the Body. It is my greatest joy to watch God work in the lives of my sisters and brothers around the world and then to see Him pour through them into countless other lives. I can’t believe God lets me be part of this!!?!?!? I seriously feel like the most blessed woman on the planet. May Jesus be greatly exalted here! WOOHOO!!!!! 🙂

            Like

            • Humbled Husband
              May 8, 2016 at 10:34 pm #

              Oh I want to be in that place in my heart too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

              Like

            • ContentinChrist
              May 10, 2016 at 11:33 am #

              I’m glad you don’t get overwhelmed! Yes, this site is a blessing and an encouragement.

              Love you, sister! 🙂

              Like

    • Peacefulwife
      May 8, 2016 at 8:48 am #

      Laura Story has an amazing song, Blessings, that she wrote when she almost lost her husband to a brain tumor in 2006. She has a book about her story, as well. I believe it may be a great encouragement to many who are hurting and suffering in all kinds of trials.

      http://www.amazon.com/When-God-Doesnt-Fix-Lessons/dp/0718036972

      Like

      • Humbled Husband
        May 8, 2016 at 9:07 pm #

        Oh that’s a beautiful song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          May 8, 2016 at 9:37 pm #

          HH,
          I love that song!

          I pray God will help you find the balance between giving grace and unconditional love and also not being enmeshed/codependent or promoting/ignoring sin. I know He has the wisdom you need in each situation. 🙂

          Like

          • prayinglikehannah
            May 9, 2016 at 2:25 am #

            April, that could be a post by itself, right?!

            You make an important point. It can be a real “balancing act!” I think finding that balance can be rather difficult (understatement!), even for the most spiritually matured among us. Especially since there might be seasons/special circumstances/ certain times when we need to be “imbalanced,” and lean on one side more than the other. Then it gets confusing when that season/circumstance changes and one needs to go on the other side of the fence. It can sometimes be so fluid. However, even for those who need to be consistently “balanced,” it is a huge learning curve. Of course we need to constantly seek God’s wisdom and pray for his leading… but that still doesn’t make it easy. Thankfully though, nothing is impossible with God.

            Also, thanks for praying for us. It is such a joy to pray for each other. I trust that God will continue to strengthen and use you.

            Like

            • Peacefulwife
              May 9, 2016 at 7:55 am #

              Prayinglikehannah,

              I have a post about The Pendulum Effect that talks about this balancing mystery and also a post called, “Other People Don’t Know What Is Best for You” on my blog for single women that talks about this, too. It truly requires the power and wisdom of God’s Spirit flowing through us to get the balance right in each situation.

              On our own, I don’t believe any of us can do this. But as we yield to Christ as LORD and allow His Spirit to have control more and more – He directs our steps and prompts us, helping us know when to be silent, helping us know when to give grace, when to set boundaries, when to confront gently and respectfully, when to stand against sin, when to leave, when to move toward someone…

              Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21

              Please pray I will be faithful and that God will empower me to be a big wide open pipe, totally devoted to Him through which His power, His truth, His love, and His Spirit can pour out and drench everyone who comes here. Pray with me that God will prepare the hearts of those who read and open their eyes and ears to Himself, that they might turn to Him in faith and live for Him as LORD.

              Much love!

              Like

              • prayinglikehannah
                May 9, 2016 at 8:07 am #

                “On our own, I don’t believe any of us can do this.” That is definitely true.

                The challenge is that it is still so difficult even those of us who seek God earnestly. Yet, I know God’s power ultimately prevails. Thanks for the link…. I remember that title now. I’ll refresh my memory :).

                Definitely praying for you.

                Like

  40. Quinn
    May 9, 2016 at 9:58 pm #

    Hello, Everyone…

    I wanted you to know I am still praying for all of you. I haven’t had much time lately to be on here but I have been reading the comments as I get them by email. It sounds like God is on the move for many of you! It is uplifting to see and I continue to believe there are going to be many victory stories in the future!

    Much love and blessings to you all!

    Like

    • ContentinChrist
      May 10, 2016 at 11:45 am #

      Thank you, Quinn!!! I just re-read most of your story. I’m going to print it out now before I forget where it is.

      God is moving and working in me. Last night, my husband and I had a hard conversation where I realized that he is still not able to be honest with me….and yet, God is giving me compassion for this man that I know is from Him. I was able to reach out to him and snuggle next to him and we were intimate – even after knowing that he is still not being able to be honest with me.

      Your story and the stories of other wives that are similar that I’ve read over the years are the stories that grip my heart and God uses to draw me deeper into this plan He has for me.

      I still don’t know the ending and the hidden things, and that is hard for me at times. Yesterday, especially, was hard, but I was reminded again that I am putting my eyes on my marriage and husband again, rather than keeping them on Jesus!

      Praying for you right now, sister, for you in your trial that God will embolden you with courage and give you peace.

      Like

      • Quinn
        May 14, 2016 at 3:43 pm #

        CiC…(((hugs))) I’m humbled that you would print my story out. God be praised that it is helping you so much!

        Oh, yes I see quite clearly in your posts that God is doing a mighty work in you!! I’m so excited to see your strength of character coming up in you. You are finding yourself and your way in Christ. It is beautiful.

        I’m sorry to hear your husband is still not being honest. I know that pain and heartache well. Keep your eyes looking up though. Don’t focus on his lies. That became an idol for me and I pray doesn’t happen to you. The lies were my husband’s problem to deal with between Him and God. I wanted to fix him though and get him to see his wrongs. So wrong of me. It was never my job to do. Yes, the lies hurt me deeply but I was never going to fix that part of him that felt the need to be deceitful. Only God could fix that. Thank God, He lead me here to April’s site. I learned what a huge mistake I was making in how I related to my husband. When I started to do things differently I started to see my husband for the wounded man he was. Not just the man who was hurting me. Wow, imagine that! When I took my eyes off myself and my need to control suddenly I saw the real man beside me. As God told me, sin is sin. I was no better. And God was dealing with me so I had to believe at some point He would also deal with my husband. And you’ve read the story…God sure did. I truly think I had to be out of the way though first. So God dealt with me first. Ironic, isn’t it? I was praying God fix him! And God said, OK you first! I do love our Lord’s sense of humor.

        To see God move in you and give you compassion for your husband, in spite of the dishonesty, oh that is simply wonderful! Isn’t that feeling the most amazing but hard to describe feeling ever?! You are so filled with love that you become so aware of God’s view of this person next to you. The pain doesn’t disappear it is transformed. You see it differently and you feel for your husband in a different way. It changes you as a wife and gives you a view of God that is simply priceless. I am PRAISING GOD that He gave you that experience!!!! I pray it for everyone!! And what a sweet gift that you also had intimacy together. I do believe God used our marriage bed to heal us after everything came to light. Our time together took the world away. There was no stress, bills or other opinions. Our focus was only on each other. We experienced a longing for each other that had long been gone. I truly believe God used that intimacy to bring oneness back to what He joined together. To heal our hearts, minds and spirits. I pray you have more moments of intimacy that bring that same healing to your marriage.

        Yes, reading others stories helped me so much too. Sharing our stories is how we help each other through life. It is painful to do at times. To be so vulnerable but if it helps others it is more than worth it. 🙂

        You sound like me. I have a hard time not knowing what is ahead too. I like to to plan things out. God likes to remind me my ways are not His and to relax…He’s got this covered. He does this in a creative way. He ALWAYS responds to me with Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God. Like I get this in the oddest places. Places you don’t expect scripture. I really think it is how He reminds me to keep looking to Him first and always. Like you said it is easy to put your eyes back on the idols. With this verse reminder though it is how I pull focus back. I bet you have a verse reminder too. Maybe you haven’t seen it yet or maybe you have. If you haven’t seen it yet…pay attention…it’ll stop popping out at you. If you know what it is then hang on tight to it whenever you feel the pull to idols. This verse reminder is so precious to me that it almost feels like this fun game I get to play with my Father above. It is like He is leading me on a scavenger hunt. Always looking for the next, “Hey, Quinn! Be. Still. Child. I got this.” And then we get to laugh together at what joy it brings me to see where He left it that time!

        Thank you for your prayers. It is still a painful, troubling trial to be going through. I did see a glimmer of hope this past week that gave me a lift. God is working in it. As I said when I first mentioned it though I don’t think this is going to go the way I want it to go. I am having a very hard time with what that means going forward. It involves another person I love very, very much. Which is why I can’t mention it here. The choice they are making is ripping my heart out. And I am trying very hard to leave that pain and burden at His feet. I am failing miserably, though. I so desperately want Him to change this situation. And my feeling is He is going to but not for several years and after some painful lessons for this beloved person. Again I am reminded His plans are not mine and this is when I need to trust Him most.

        Anyway…thank you for your prayers. You remain in my daily prayers as well. I extend many hugs and so much love to you, my sweet sister.

        Like

  41. Bel
    May 10, 2016 at 6:48 pm #

    April, I don’t have celebrate recovery in my state. There is Alcoholics Anon in my closest city. I live out on a farm so nothing is close but I’ve been researching. I’m planning on making an appt when I can make it.
    Yes I’m afraid of even bringing it up let alone setting a boundary. I just know it will be over then. As he’s able to work hard and isn’t abusive I’m just not sure it’s the right thing to do. I’m relying on prayer and God to see us through this.
    At the moment my husband is trying to decide if there’s a future for us. He’s leaning more towards no. Im very scared and it’s so painful. I had a few days of not being able to function. Lost weight. Huge fear. God is helping me hugely now as most days the pain in my belly is ok and I’m up and functioning. I’ve got so much support so I’m very blessed. It’s just so hard when I feel love and forgiveness for him and just want to tell him that. But I think anything i say will push him away more. I just can’t get over that he wants to end this because we are too different and want different things. ( as well as all our history of course) I don’t see this as a good enough reason to change and devastate the lives of me and his kids. It’s selfish. He’s supposed to give his life up for me. But I’m having to do it for him. I know God can change this. That’s what I’m praying for.

    Like

    • Lmsdaily115