ContentinChrist Shares about Her Journey So Far
From ContentinChrist:
I wish I could articulate in a way that shows the gratitude in my heart of all of the many things God has and is continuing to do and show me in my journey. I definitely had my husband’s love and his view of me as an idol in my life and God has used certain events in our marriage to bring me to a place of realizing that my husband will never be able to fulfill me totally and that only Christ can do that.
There are just so many different things that have been touched on along this journey:
- finding my security in Christ
- realizing that I was “enmeshed” with my husband in a negative way
- understanding that being a submissive, respectful wife does not mean that I cannot state my opinions and speak my mind – it just means that the way I do it is much, much differently than the way I did it before (which was disrespectful, angry, and self-righteous a lot of the time)
- realizing that God has made me to be a person of influence in my husband’s life
- learning how to stand firm in a respectful way for things that were beginning to be detrimental to our marriage while still remaining vulnerable and open to my husband even though I was hurting because of some of his actions
- understanding differences between men and women and how some of the things that I was being offended by didn’t need to be that big of a deal and that I could meet my husband in some of his needs by not getting so emotional or by giving him space
- learning that love is not pretending that everything is perfect when it’s not
- learning to love unconditionally and to bless when I’ve been wronged (however, I don’t think unconditional love means that a marital relationship will look like a marital relationship that is totally healthy – I think you can unconditionally love but still have boundaries).
God has truly been literally changing my perspective of what it means to respect my husband. It started out as acting respectfully, but He has been changing my heart to give me real, true respect for my husband. So, the actions that started out by faith are now coming more naturally and effortlessly as God is doing this work in me.
I really could probably go on and on, but these are just some of the things off the top of my head that are coming to mind.
So much of the good stuff that has come has been brought about by going through some really painful times these last few years and so, the grace that God gave me to trust Him during those times has been pivotal. And He has strengthened my faith even more to see how He works – how we are so safe in His hands, even when our circumstances can feel and appear to be so hopeless.
His love is unfailing and unfathomable and the biggest lesson through this all is that He is teaching me that He truly is enough for me.
RELATED:
A Fellow Wife’s Posts about being enmeshed, idolizing her husband, and overcoming bitterness over wanting to be his greatest priority
Blessed Out Shares a Bit about Her Journey
There Must Be More to This Journey Than Just Prayer!
A Wife’s First Year on This Journey
TO TRULY CHANGE, WE HAVE TO SHIFT FROM COMPLAINING OR JUST READING ABOUT GODLY WOMANHOOD AND BEGIN TO INVEST OURSELVES WHOLEHEARTEDLY IN OUR WALK WITH CHRIST…
The Peaceful Wife 
Beautiful post! I am rejoicing in your growth towards God and inspired. It helps to know that this narrow path is the true one, as evidenced by your peace and joy. I know things are far from perfect for you, but so wonderful that you have grown in strength and courage from this valley. Much love to you, CiC. Hugs.
LikeLike
Hi, LMS! Was just thinking of you today and wondering how you were/are.
Lots of twists and turns in my story, lately.There has been some very recent positive movement with my husband apologizing for something that has been a big issue in my ongoing struggle not to shut down, so that is good. I am realizing that it will take time for me to heal (I will need to re-read that post that April put up a couple months ago about that subject) and that also, since so much has changed in *me*, that going forward is almost like starting over for me. I feel very unsure and unsettled about some of it, but I am trusting that God will meet me where I am, as He always has. I know He will continue to guide me.
I look forward to hearing how you’re doing when you feel up for it.
Lots of love to you, too, LMS.
LikeLike
I have been wondering how you both are LMS and CiC. I’m glad to hear some positives from you CiC 🙂 HH
LikeLike
ContentinChrist,
I praise God with you for the movement in a positive direction! That is awesome! Thank you so much for sharing. I pray that God will continue His good work in you, my sister. I’m always so thankful whenever you share what you are learning – when you believe God desires you to, of course.
Much love to you!
LikeLike
“understanding differences between men and women and how some of the things that I was being offended by didn’t need to be that big of a deal and that I could meet my husband in some of his needs by not getting so emotional or by giving him space”
I am often offended by my husband and get very emotional … I would be curious to ask this writer if she could share some of these differences and things that don’t need to be made such a big deal etc. it would be very helpful! Thanks
LikeLike
Hi, Anonome!
You know, I don’t remember exactly when I wrote this comment or what particular things I was thinking of when I did….. 😉
Offhand, here are some things that come to mind:
I would say that just realizing that my husband is not going to be able to have very long, emotional talks with me. He is not wired like a woman in that way. Bob Grant talks about how a man feels very intensely when having talks like that and that he will be not able to engage in that kind of connection in a lengthy way like a woman would. So, when he seems to withdraw or need space after those kinds of talks, it can be normal, even though for a woman, it can feel very cold for him to need some space after what felt like a very “connecting” talk to us.
My husband does not think about our relationship like I do. I am constantly analyzing it, dissecting it, ready to talk about it, etc. Most husbands are not like that, from what I can tell after reading this blog and other books. As April has said here, many men have said that in their mind, they always feel connected to their wives as long as the relationship is not in conflict. They don’t need to be constantly made to feel secure in the relationship. They feel secure even if there hasn’t been any “meaningful recent connection” with their wives.
I think a wife’s tendency (and probably comes from some Christian literature, too) when learning about respect and submission can be to try to put the husband first in everything – as if she doesn’t have needs, desires and emotions, too. I think a husband may initially respond with a lot of positive feedback with this behavior, but in the end, I do not think this is what a godly wife’s role is in a marriage and I think the husband loses the wife he initially fell in love with and married because she is living to serve him. I say that to explain that I always noticed that my husband seemed to be more drawn to me when I was engaging in activities that weren’t all centered around him. I was getting my needs for relationships met with other girlfriends by going out occasionally with them, or just taking the time to honor my own self – through exercising, getting fellowship with other believers, using God-given gifts through hobbies, serving others, etc. So, I think a husband values a wife who isn’t placing all the demand on him to fill all of her needs and can find happiness and joy in, first and foremost, her relationship with God and then also with other things in her life.
Also, a man’s need to be heard by his wife without her interrupting with her thoughts and opinions. Women can do this with each other and change subjects ten times in ten minutes, but when a man talks, he appreciates just a listening ear.
Those are a few things that come immediately to mind. If I think of more, I’ll try to remember to comment again.
Anonome, if you would like to share more about where you are so I or April or others can talk through things with you, please feel free to do that! I pray you will know that God alone can fulfill and meet all of your needs through Jesus Christ and that He alone will never fail you or forsake you. I pray also that He will give you wisdom on when to let things go in your marriage and when the right time is to express your hurt in a respectful way. I pray He will heal your hurts and bless your marriage!
LikeLike
CIC,
Wow! This is a super helpful comment. I would love to share it as a post, too, in the future, if that is okay with you. 🙂
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing the treasures you are learning. What a blessing!
LikeLike
PS
CIC,
I spent WAY too much time and effort trying to show respect to Greg, too, for a LONG, LONG time at the beginning of this journey. I was shocked when I realized that what he wanted was super simple. Here is a post about what I have learned on this topic.
LikeLike
That’s a great post you linked.
One of the most significant things in it is the statement ” Every husband is unique and has his own particular preferences, his own leadership style, his own desires, his own personality, and his own needs. Respecting our husbands is not a one-size-fits-all thing.” I am sure it is the same with wives as well as all other relationships. I know I have to relate to my kids very differently.
FWIW some men are wired to talk things through and like long, analytical, emotional talks and some women don’t seem to like them 🙂
HH
LikeLike
Yes! I remember reading that!
This is something I’ve really thought a lot about lately – the idea that as a wife is learning to respect and submit to her husband, there can be a strong tendency to start centering all of life around pleasing her husband and kind of idolizing him and her marriage.
I’ve said before, I think *a lot* of Christian writings even encourage this type of dynamic. But, really, when we look at God’s Word, nowhere do we get this sense that a woman is supposed to build her life around her husband. Respect, love and submit, yes. I really can’t find the words to express my thoughts behind it all, probably because I’m just starting to realize a lot of the twisted thinking I was buying into. And, I really think it can be dangerous to place this emphasis on the husband that I really don’t even see in the Bible….it feeds into egocentric and selfish behaviors of a man.
I wonder, April, since your husband is a believer if that’s why he was able to state that he didn’t need you to do all those extra things for him. He knew that something was off-balance with that. But, for an unbelieving husband, someone who is still living from a “me-centered” ideology, he is probably more than willing to have his wife keep up with that and then begins to expect more and more or be very upset when his wife doesn’t agree with him about things or starts to be upset that his wife confronts his sin.
Well, anyway….I know that was probably a lot of disjointed thoughts there, but it’s just something I’m thinking a lot about and trying to figure out for myself. I do see this dynamic playing out in other marriages here. Ultimately, the answer is always Jesus and finding our joy and contentment in Him alone. Everyone has their own journey to take to get to that point.
LikeLike
I really can’t post a question I have on your website, but I was hoping I might be able to email you and ask. Would that be okay?
LikeLike
Jessica,
Are you asking ContentinChrist or PeacefulWife (April)? 🙂
LikeLike
Cic, don’t appologize here. I have been thinking alot about that “me-centered” approach a ton lately too! Your post made perfect sense to me. I feel like I am a married woman living with a man who acts single. Very selfish and me-centered as you say. The expectations that should be reasonable from a wife about her husband are constantly thrown out because he is not living as a married man would. He does, acts, thinks and talks as if he is single. Like it affects no one else.
Now, I wanted to compare to see if I acted this way too. My mom does – after two failed marriages. She does not want to share her life with another and have to sacrifice or be accountable to another. Even the Bible warns about these sacrifices and says marriage is not for everyone. In some ways I did, because I didn’t have my husband in his proper place in my priorities. I either had him above God, or hobbies/kids/work/friends above my husband…which is acting single. I can’t be mad at him since I kind of did this as well when I was being disrespectful, but maybe not to the same degree. I was still being a married woman, but had wrong/too high of expectations and had my dh as a god. I wanted to please him as his wife, but wanted him to do things my way as my husband. I didn’t understand my part as a wife.
I have done alot of reading into mid life crisis/transitions, also, and am being careful not to use it as a convenient excuse to not look at my own behavior, however, there is a whole psychology that lines up with God and biblical truth about this. It is kind of a manifestation of living for self that eventually implodes like a dying star, then blows up. Without God, there is no direction or real truth to follow.
I feel like my dh is living behind his protective wall of self-preservation, progressively getting lonelier and lonelier the more I find joy in life even without him. He internalizes this and thinks I’m happier the more he stays away. I’ve tried to talk to him…even this morning and I was told “it’s hard to communicate with someone you can’t even look at.” Stab stab. But he thinks I’m not looking at him. I told him I’m trying to stay out of his way and give him space and time, but not sitting around wasting my life. I’m not cheating, bar hopping, or anything else…just taking care of house and kids. He feels progressively lonelier…I can see why. He has reverted back to long hours and empty promises.
I’ve got God. My dh can chase after whatever he wants. I can’t help him if he doesn’t want help. Its up to God now. I’m focusing on obeying God, standing for this marriage and being patient. It’s hard as heck, everyone but a few people think I am a glutton for punishment and don’t understand why I won’t leave him. Probably even he wonders that. I have read some good stuff about MLC that is from Christians tying the term MLC to biblical truths.
The subject of “married bachelor” has been strongly on my heart for about 1-2 weeks now. In fact, I’m sure God is leading me to some wisdom after seeing this subject for about the 8th time on this blog and other sources and conversations. Not as much a coincidence as one would think…it’s an obvious direction from God, to me, like “seeds and growth” were last month for me. I think He helps me understand what is going on with my husband so I can be patient in my waiting on Him and more forgiving.
He has much work to do in both of us, but I get so impatient with the lack of progress in my husband. Just this morning he said he looks at me still and all he sees is someone who took advantage of his generosity and kindness. Wow. Then God spoke to me as a translator…”he still cannot forgive. He is still hurt. Bitterness has ahold on him. Be patient”. I cried in the shower because I was hoping we were farther along than we were. There is still so much work to be done…but God has taken me this far, it’s not for naught. I can’t understand what God is doing. It’s not my place, but I appreciate that He keeps me busy seeking wisdom about the psychology of all of this. I know God will use my trials for good one day.
The fact is, my husband may never come out from behind his rock wall. He may choose to be a lonely single person the rest of his life. I’m not sure what to do then about bring married, but I want the joy God promises. I know I want to live a life for God. I will follow His direction. Even if it means I wait forever. Although that would make me sad, I know God wants me to be happy too. Only He can direct my life. Obeying Him is more important than having sex, being married, having lots of friends, or demanding my desires. It would make me sad without those things, but I love God more. Being willing to live without them seems to be the sacrifice He demands. The willingness. But it’s up to God to grant us out desires. That’s why I stand for my marriage. Until God ends it, I am married.
I would like to develop this subject with you CiC and others. I pray for wisdom for us all. In His name we pray.
LikeLike
Wow! Awesome. HH
LikeLike
Hi all,
I very much feel the way that you are thinking is so right. Please keep on writing as the Lord leads you, it is helping me also and I’m sure others.
“I feel like my dh is living behind his protective wall of self-preservation, progressively getting lonelier and lonelier the more I find joy in life even without him.” So true of my wife also. Three times in the last week she broke down crying when talking to me saying “Life isn’t supposed to be like this”. She has no purpose. Self preservation and self seeking does not fulfil us. She has what she ‘wanted’, money, freedom of decision, her own way. And she’s not happy.
“It is kind of a manifestation of living for self that eventually implodes like a dying star, then blows up. Without God, there is no direction or real truth to follow.” SO good. SO true. SO right. Thank you. Life has no purpose unless what we do has an ETERNAL purpose.
I’ve been wondering lately what is the purpose of marriage? I’ve been reflecting on Ephesians 5:31-32 ““For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” Emphasis on ‘Christ and the church’.
I have been thinking that the purpose of marriage is to display the unity that Christ and His church has. Jesus prayed for all who would believe on His name that we would be one, as He and the Father are one. Being one with Christ is our purpose (“I live, nevertheless not I but Christ lives in me”…..wow) and displaying that unity is the purpose of our marriages. Unity glorifies God (I want to underline that!)
Christ gave himself FOR the church. Here is the pattern for a believing husband to follow. The church gave itself TO Christ. Here is the pattern for a believing wife to follow. There is a subtle difference here that stands out between the words FOR and TO. FOR implies a sacrificial serving. TO implies a surrender. Both reflect the distinct parts in the relationship between a believer and Christ IMO.
Obviously this is not how my own marriage is working but to be fair I have never really patterned my life on the FOR either. I went from ultra controlling to ultra doormat. Neither are healthy. Having a king/slave type relationship is awful for both parties and totally unfulfilling. Having a queen/slave type relationship is also awful for both parties and totally unfulfilling. Both need an identity. We are both kings and priests in Christ.
Hmmmmm…..please keep on pouring out your united wisdom!
HH
LikeLike
HH,
Ooh! This is very good. THANK YOU so much for sharing! Love this important discussion!
LikeLike
CIC,
I agree that this can definitely be a way where we swing the pendulum too far toward being people pleasers with our husbands or idolizing them if we were controlling and disrespectful before and idolizing ourselves more. No, the husband is not Christ. And he is not deity. It is very dangerous to misunderstand this and it is destructive for everyone involved if a wife puts her husband on a pedestal and worships him rather than God. There are men who try to demand this, who say they have more authority than Christ for their wives, but this is not right!
Yes, there are different responses depending on if a man is a believer or not and also what his personality is. My husband wanted to do ANYTHING to keep from looking controlling. He still doesn’t like to ask me to help him because he can’t stand the thought of being too overbearing, demanding, selfish, or controlling. He probably could ask me for a lot more than he does. But he is on his own journey, too. So I let him take his own pace and don’t pressure him about it.
I’m sure there are some husbands who would love for their wives to become their slaves – at first. But this scenario and these dynamics of king/slave rather than king/queen are very destructive.
If you think there is something we can do to better address this, I would be game for cowriting a post! 🙂
LikeLike
Anonome,
Great question!!!!! Love it!
LikeLike
April & CIC
Thank you for this encouragement all around!!!!! I am so glad to see what God is doing in you, CIC! And thank you April for the very encouraging video. That is much needed today! Bless all of you!!
Love,
Amanda
LikeLike
Amanda,
You are most welcome!
LikeLike
Hi, Amanda! I know you recently made a really hard decision – I read that comment of yours. I know that must have been very difficult. I’m so glad to see what God is doing in you, too! I pray that He will continue to give you His wisdom, peace and guidance as you go forward.
LikeLike
April & CIC,
I have an update about that major decision. God works in mysterious ways! After I came to the place of letting go in my heart to the Lord about my son moving, and after coming to peace in it, my husband changed his mind. He said he felt it was not the right choice afterall, and he told me his concerns.
A few days later, one of my closest friends called and said that when I told her about the decision, and she prayed about it, God spoke to her heart and told her that my son would not be moving, and that God wanted my friend to focus on the *message* that I spoke to her when I told her about my decision. The message I spoke to her heart that God wanted to use in her life was that I was not going to base my decisions off of fear!
Then I had 2 more confirmations. My son’s stepmother (who is also one of my closest friends) texted me the same day that my husband changed his mind, and told me about something she read earlier that day which said : “fear convinces us to reach for control, and then we forget what Jesus has already done for us and we try to do for ourselves”. That was exactly what God had been showing me throughout the whole time I was deciding! And then again, it was my husband who said to me “you can’t base your decisions off of fear!”
I really feel that God allowed me to go through all of this not only to get me to truly let go in my heart about my son, but to also use that thing he showed me about not basing my decisions off of fear!
Also, I had read April’s post from a long time ago about when she gave up her emailing, how anxiety swept over her. Everything you wrote in that post April is what I was going through in this decision. The main factor being I did not want to make a wrong decision and displease the Lord! That SO spoke to my heart!!!
I’m still not sure what the Lord is wanting to do in our lives, but I am being taught to trust Him. 🙂
Blessings,
Amanda
LikeLike
Wow, Amanda! That is amazing!!!! All of it, and I really love the part about your friend hearing from God that she was supposed to listen to the message behind your decision!
So, I thought that you were the one that was going to be moving with your husband and that your son would be staying behind with his father, but I might have gotten some of the details mixed up. Did your husband get a job out of state that will cause you to move?
Your story is touching my heart, too, because right now, I am really struggling with stepping forward and in faith in my relationship with my husband and I know that fear is behind it, now that I’m reading your comment. I’m scared of being hurt again, I’m scared of the fact that I still think there are things that haven’t been dealt…..lots of fear here. It is very hard to open yourself back up and take risk again when you’ve been hurt. But, at the same time, my husband has shown some humility by actually taking ownership for some things that have hurt me. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t broken repentance, but just the fact that he was willing to admit that he was wrong and simply apologize is a step for him.
Love you, sister! Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
LikeLike
CIC,
Yes, after all that God has brought my husband and I through, my husband ended up having to move out of state again, but this time he is so far away I can’t see him. That really broke my heart. After God revealed to me about how Jesus is the true source of all joy and contentment—–my life fell apart—and the Lord confirmed that I was being tested not on my faith, but BECAUSE of my faith! It opened my eyes to what I was really truly seriously trusting in, and what I was truly all about—-my husband, or Jesus. It was so painful having to let him go like that, after things were starting to get better and our family was really thriving. BUT—-God is in control. But still, my heart is broken. All I want is to be with my husband.
And then my husband suggested my son go stay with his father very far away, so that he and I could be together. Then God brought me through that agony of letting go of my son in my heart. And then my husband changed his mind about that, thankfully. I am staying put, and I am really going to start praying about my husband and I being together again. I know I can’t manipulate and try to do things and try to control the situation, and that is hard.
Ultimately, in the midst of all of this—– God is showing me what’s in my heart and He’s been focusing my heart on trusting Him, and looking off unto Jesus, and realizing that this life is not our home. We were made for eternity. And it really tries my heart when I am faced with the question about WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO ME?
That is hard. I feel like ever since I started a blog about contentment in Christ, everything I’ve been writing about is literally what’s happening in my own life lol. It hurts!
But as for your struggle, I can TOTALLY relate as well. That is where I was 3 months ago—-scared to move forward in faith in my relationship because I was very scared to get hurt again. And the thing that got me through was the Lord revealing Himself to me in that new, fresh way when He showed me He was the ONLY One who could ever meet my deepest needs.
It is very scary—-but that is what the book captivating is all about—it’s about realizing that we are to put Christ first, and seek to please HIM, and when we have Him as first, we can offer our beauty and love to our husbands, even if they don’t notice, appreciate it, or respond. We must guard our hearts wisely, of course. That’s what I did, I pursued counseling to get my own life and heart right, and when I did that, I was able to stand firm in Christ and I was able to be led by the Spirit in each circumstance, and if things got too heated or emotional or anything with my husband, I would either end the convo, or walk away, or get away some how to avoid being hurt further if he was not being kind to me. I had to realize that it was not ok and I had to set up those boundaries for myself because I can only control myself, of course!
I know how you feel right now, and it is so hard. I pray God will give us the faith to move forward, trusting wholly in Him! I think I am beginning to learn like you were saying about in some other comments that I can’t shape my life around my husband. I was doing that. I fell into that for sure!!!!! There are boundaries and lines and I think it is best for us in these types of difficult hurtful situations to make sure that we are seeking our own well-being in Christ and His word and godly friends, and setting our hearts on GOD instead of man. Man will disappoint us, but God never will!
The rule of thumb for me has always been to follow peace. I can usually tell if God is putting something on my heart when there is peace about it.
I am here with you sister!!! Thank you for sharing your story as well, I feel not so alone 🙂
Love,
Amanda
LikeLike
I would like to ask for sincere prayer for my marriage. I have been actively working on respecting my husband, and tonight, I made a serious mistake. God has shown me many things about my own personal issues in the past few weeks, and I’m working to fix them. But I am not perfect and I made a huge mistake tonight. Please pray for us and our family.
LikeLike
Praying for you tonight my sister—praying that you will be drawn so close to your Savior and strengthened for the journey. Remember that it’s not expected of you to fix… just to follow. HE is at work in your life — the Shepherd of our souls and the Healer of our wounded hearts. May He lift you up when you stumble and carry you and your family in His arms.
LikeLike
I am so blessed with the video. God bless you April. Your write ups has been a revelation to me and my marriage I appreciate it all. Much more of God!
LikeLike
Hello all.
What are people’s understanding of the “abiding” in Christ?
Value anyone’s thoughts.
HH
LikeLike