Signs that Your Husband Feels Disrespected (and Unloved)

This is an email from a precious friend of mine.  If your husband is saying things like this – it means he is probably feeling deeply wounded in your marriage.  Please keep in mind that husbands need respect like wives need love.  (Ephesians 5:22-33 and Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs).
(NOTE – if your husband is not in his right mind and is addicted to drugs/alcohol, is abusing you, or is involved in serious unrepentant sin, please seek appropriate, experienced, godly help one-on-one rather than reading my blog. My posts are not designed for wives experiencing severe issues in their marriages.  If you need free counseling, http://www.focusonthefamily.org offers one free session and has a referral service online. Also, http://www.leslievernick.com has a site for those who are in emotionally abusive relationships.)

 If a husband does not feel respected, he cannot feel loved

FROM MY FRIEND:

These are a few things that my husband has said to me over the years that should have given me a big clue but I somehow dismissed the significance.
  • “I do not need you to tell me what to do.”
  • “I am a grown man”.
  • “I hear this every month when you get ready to start your period.”
  • “You worry over EVERYTHING, Honey.”
  • “You never believe me when I tell you things”.
  • “Have a little faith in me.”
  • “Do you not even believe in me that much?”
  • “I can’t please you.  If I don’t do what you want, you are unhappy.  If I do what you want, you say I am only doing it because you told me to.”
  • “I can’t win here.”
  • “I am in a no win situation.”
  • “It is the same  thing, over and over with you.”
  • “What hurts me the most is that you don’t trust me with the kids.”  (I know he would NEVER let anything happen to our children.  I just wish he was more cautious with them.  STILL and issue I am going to have to confront it at some point but I need to deal with simply letting go first).
  • “No man wants to be without respect.”
  • “Trust me.”
  • “You always believe the worst about me.”
  • “No man wants to be talked to like that.” (in reference to a couple we know)
  • “She talks to him like a dog.”  (in reference to a couple we know)
  • “I told you I would take care of it.”
  • “You don’t believe me when I DO compliment you.”
Just thinking about those tells me that he was not content in the way things were and I sure wasn’t either because it was not working.… and for the record, I do not think he acted completely without sin- I do not believe it is ALL my fault and I know you would agree that with that- that we both have committed wrongs
(From Peacefulwife – ABSOLUTELY!  Husbands and wives both usually sin plenty against each other.  There is almost never one person who is 100% innocent.)
And I STILL don’t know how this is going to work out.  I don’t know what the coming months will bring.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE
Some other signs a husband is feeling disrespected (some of these things can be signs of other significant issues, but many times the core issue is a man feels disrespected):
  • clenching his jaw
  • a hurt look in his face
  • his countenance falls
  • he shuts down verbally
  • he leaves the room suddenly for “no reason”
  • he gets angry “out of nowhere” and you can’t understand why
  • he unplugs from you and the children
  • he becomes very emotionally distant
  • he begins spending a lot more time watching tv, working on projects, working overtime
  • he says, “I feel disrespected.”  (please believe him!  This is as significant to him as it would be for you if you said, “I feel unloved.”)
  • He starts talking about “some tangent” when you are trying to make him do something he doesn’t want to do.
  • He pulls away and doesn’t share his heart anymore with you
  • he pulls away sexually and doesn’t respond to your advances anymore (there are a LOT of potential causes for this.  Disrespect is certainly not the only one.  Here’s a post about the wife initiating intimacy. )

Some more things husbands tend to say when they feel very disrespected by their wives (NOTE – I’m not saying husbands SHOULD say all of these things.  But these are the kinds of things they are likely to say out of frustration and pain when they feel disrespected.)

  • “It’s impossible to please you.”
  • “You think you are always right.”
  • “My opinion doesn’t even matter around here.”
  • “Your family (or best friend or church) is more important than I am to you.”
  • “You care more about ______ than you do about me!”
  • “You’re smothering me.”
  • “You treat me like a child.”
  • “I’m not stupid.”  ”I’m not an idiot.”
  • “Just let me figure it out.”
  • “I’m not a child!”
  • “Why do you even ask me what I think?  You never listen to me.”
  • “I’m not a priority to you anymore.”
  • “The kids are your biggest concern.  I don’t even matter.”
  • “Who cares what I think, you’re just going to do what you want to do anyway.”
  • “I wish we had never gotten married.”
  • “I’m just not cut out for marriage.” (Some of these statements can mean other things, too)
  • “I’m just a meal ticket to  you.”
  • “You can’t just demand  time/affection/attention/sex from me.”
  • “I’d rather be at work than here.”
  • “I can’t take all of your drama anymore.”
  • “No man could love you like you want to be loved.  Not even Jesus!”
  • “Why can’t you just be happy?”
  • “You worry way too much.  Stop worrying.”
  • “Why are you so negative?”
  • “Why do you complain all the time?”
  • “Oh, here we go again!”
  • “Why do you have to be like this?”
  • “Why should I be more involved with you and the kids?  You’re just going to undermine everything I say.”
  • “How can I be a leader if you won’t follow?”
  • “You say you want me to lead, but you won’t let me lead.”
  • “You want to control me.”
  • “It has to be your way or no way.”
  • “You think you are so high and mighty.”
  • “Go ahead, have it your way!”
  • “Don’t come to me when everything falls apart.”

ANOTHER HUGE SIGN A HUSBAND FEELS DISRESPECTED

If you are rejecting him sexually – that is HUGE disrespect to a husband – no matter how he responds.  It hurts for a wife to be turned down sexually by her husband, too.  That is an extremely deep pain that can severely wound a husband and a marriage.

WHAT CAN A WIFE DO?
Well, I believe that arguing with a man when he feels disrespected is only going to escalate and inflame the situation.
You would not appreciate it if you tried to explain to your husband that you feel unloved – and he argued with you that you shouldn’t feel that way or he explained the reasons he thinks you shouldn’t feel unloved – or WORSE – if he said, “You don’t deserve to be loved.”
Husbands are very much the same.  

Arguing with them that they shouldn’t feel disrespected, or that they don’t deserve respect is going to make things much worse. 

When you see your husband shut down or become angry suddenly and you don’t know why, try asking, “Did I do/say something disrespectful just now?”  And if you did say, “I am SO sorry.  Please forgive me.  I don’t ever want you to feel disrespected by me.”  Do not justify or explain yourself.  Just apologize if you were in the wrong.

AN ASSIGNMENT

I’d like you to watch your man’s facial expressions this week when you talk to him.  If you see his face suddenly fall – if you see he suddenly seems to be in emotional pain – STOP what you are saying and recognize, is it possible he feels disrespected by you?

I’d like you to watch the interactions of couples around you.  Watch the guy.  Notice his body language and his facial expressions – especially when his lady is criticizing him, making fun of him, tearing him down, telling him what to do, complaining, arguing or being negative toward him.  See the pain on his face.

Once you begin to recognize disrespect and how men react – you will quickly realize that it is EVERYWHERE.  There is a FAMINE of respect for men in our culture.

It’s time for us to change that, my precious sisters in Christ!

RELATED:

What Is Respect in Marriage?

What Speaks Disrespect to Husbands?

 

25 Ways to Respect Myself

Why Do I Have to Change First?

My Husband Doesn’t Deserve My Respect  Youtube Video

My Level of Respect for My Husband Has Nothing to Do with Him (Youtube Video)

Why Is Nonverbal Disrespect Such a Big Problem for Our Men?  Youtube Video

How to See God Do BIG Things in Your Marriage  Youtube Video

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104 Comments on “Signs that Your Husband Feels Disrespected (and Unloved)”

  1. Ralf
    November 11, 2013 at 5:01 pm #

    Thanks, many of those hit the nail right on.
    Many of those symptoms I do experience and even stomach pain as it is cramping up, WHICH I NEVER HAD EVEN IN VERY STRESSFUL PROJECTS!

    Like

  2. CPG
    December 3, 2013 at 12:06 am #

    “Once you begin to recognize disrespect and how men react – you will quickly realize that it is EVERYWHERE. There is a FAMINE of respect for men in our culture.”
    This is so true, sister! I was taught in school to feel compassion for the plight of women who were in disempowered or difficult situations due to oppression, but it is only later in my life that I see what men must deal with, and my heart breaks for them, too. Now that I have a son of my own, it is even more important an issue to me.
    As women, we have to work so hard to overcome the cultural conditioning that has taught us to behave so disrespectfully toward the men we love. Thank you for providing a platform of support and encouragement for this change to take place!

    Like

  3. David
    December 8, 2013 at 10:22 am #

    My wife and I are barely hanging on. If not for my promise to God and her I would have already walked out. She is an emotional bully and the entire house is captive to her mood for the day. I am hesitant to have sex with her because it is typically brought up and used by her in her next blow up. I am left feeling guilty every time we have sex. Any little thing will set her off into an uncontrollable rage. I admit that I allow myself to get caught up in it. She knows exactly how to push my buttons. I used to be a very outgoing happy energetic person. We have been married 19 years and have battled through many things most couples would cringe over. She is a recovering alcoholic/addict and I ventured outside of our relationship in a moment of despair and weakness. Please pray for us.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      December 8, 2013 at 3:09 pm #

      David,

      I am so sorry to hear how difficult things are. Of course I will pray!

      Is she going through peri-menopause right now? Does she have a godly mentoring wife?

      Praying for God to work in both of you for His glory. He is able to heal you both. I have total faith that He can bring beauty and good from this situation. I pray God might give you His wisdom to lead, love, teach and gently exhort according to His will. Most of all I pray that you might draw nearer to Him than ever, that is the only way to have the power you will need to be the man He desires you to be.
      You are dearly loved by God, my precious brother. He will never leave you or forsake you. He is able to give you peace and joy, even in this storm.

      Like

    • Adele
      March 5, 2016 at 1:56 pm #

      Hi I’ve just come across your post you posted 2013. Your story is very much like what my husband and I have and are going through. I am an alcoholic. I believe God has healed me, but the damage I have done to our marriage is huge. I have controlled everything, from sex to what we do socially, how the children are raised, through to how my husband views himself. He is close to leaving and doesn’t believe he is in love with me anymore. I believe that God will heal and I’m learning slowly my role in all of this. I want to show respect to my husband, build him up, be a peaceful wife and have a loving and amazing marriage. I don’t want things to be back where they were, I want our marriage to be a new creation based on strong godly foundations. How is your marriage now? I pray things have changed and God has healed your marriage.

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        March 5, 2016 at 8:34 pm #

        Adele,

        My dear sister, how I praise God for what He is doing in your life! Do you have support as you heal from alcoholism and from these toxic, destructive mindsets? I’m glad to walk beside you on this road. I pray for God’s healing for you, for your husband, for your children, and for your marriage. How wonderful that God is showing these things to you. I have so many posts here that I believe will bless you.

        Thanks for reaching out to our brother.

        Much love!

        Like

  4. Kristy
    January 23, 2014 at 1:22 pm #

    I was that disrespectful wife for a very long time. Almost a year ago my husband left, he’s from Australia and he decided to go back, he originally went back to work with his dad and save up money to get our 3 kids and I over there to be with him, working with his dad didn’t end up working out. He left his parents house and went to a different part of the country to this church that he had found online several years ago while he was still here in the states, not long after he got there he cut off most communication, I started praying in a very different way then I had ever prayed and he started communicating more.
    I now recognize how much my actions or lack of action affected our marriage and it wasn’t all him like I had made myself believe. I’m confident that God does not want this marriage to end, He has spoke to me through His word and in other ways that He will heal this marriage, my husband however isn’t sure if God wants to heal our marriage or if He will heal us. I try to encourage him and let him know that Jesus doesn’t want our marriage to fail, that He does not want marriages to be broken apart and that He CAN and WILL heal us if we open up to Him and put Him in the center of our marriage, not just have Him in our marriage a little bit, but build our marriage on Him.
    My dilemma is that I don’t know how to work on my marriage when he is on the other side of the world and the only communication that we have is through Facebook, very little Skyping and no phone calls. This is starting to really affect my kids, I’m concerned about their long term emotional health, their spiritual health (even though I take them to church and teach them about Jesus, they really need their dad reinforcing that and he needs to teach them too),
    I’m not pointing fingers, I know why he’s having a difficult time with not being sure if he wants to continue in the marriage, I’ve admitted to what I did wrong and have apologized for it and so has he. But he’s worried that it will go back to how it was, even though he has noticed a big change in me. There are other factors that play into it too, but I don’t want to get into all of it on a public forum.
    I just don’t know how to implement all of the suggestions that I’ve read or that people have given me when we only talk on Facebook and when we do Skype the kids are always around. No one has ever given me any advice on how to work on a marriage when you are 14,000 miles apart other than to pray and just trust God (which is the best advice and I do both) I can’t even count how many hours that I have prayed about this or how many people that I have praying.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      January 23, 2014 at 3:19 pm #

      Kristy,

      I think the key is going to be to continue seeking God and desiring to obey Him no matter what your husband does – and to continue becoming the wife God desires you to be. As your husband sees this go on and on over a long time – he may feel safe enough and begin to hear God’s voice clearly enough for himself, that he may come back. That is my prayer! I pray for you, your children and your husband – for God’s healing and His greatest glory in your lives.

      I’m so excited about what God is doing in your life! WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!

      Is it possible to email/text?

      Could you text him a little something that you admire/respect about him once or twice a week?

      Does he allow you to talk with him about issues with the kids, and then maybe you can take his advice and thank him for his wisdom and leadership?

      Is he a believer in Christ?

      Like

      • Kristy
        January 24, 2014 at 6:20 pm #

        Thank you for your prayers. Right now I am getting very little from him. I sent him a message on FB and said “I just want to say thank you. Just for being you.” Got no response to that. Then I sent another message and was just proclaiming how good God is and he did respond a little bit to that, but when I messaged and said “How are things going? We haven’t talked for a little while, I hope things are going well.” I got nothing and then I messaged him and said “Well I really hope things are going well. I pray for you often and will continue to do so.” I again got nothing. We had been talking often and he seemed to be opening up, but then all of the sudden about 2 weeks ago it stopped and I only get about one sentence answers and that’s only every so often. So I really don’t know what’s going on with him. There is no way to text him or email, just Facebook. I talk to him about the kids and what’s going on with them, he doesn’t really have any input. I did send a message to his pastor, just explaining what has been going on and to see if he could give me any insight as to what might be up. It was when I started talking to him about what a hard time our youngest is having when he stopped talking to me.

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          January 24, 2014 at 7:30 pm #

          Kristy,

          UGH!

          Such a difficult situation. All we can do is speculate about what is going on in his head.

          For whatever it is worth – my suggestion would be not to mention God or praying if he is far from God right now and probably not pressuring him.

          It is possible he could be feeling really guilty about not being there. I pray God will work in his heart. This is going to take a move of God in his life. You can’t make him come back. But you can be a friendly, welcoming place for him if/when he does come.

          I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. I pray for God’s wisdom and support! What does his pastor suggest?

          Much love!
          April

          Like

    • Yvonne
      September 23, 2015 at 1:54 am #

      Kristy, I am from Australia, married to an American in the
      same position as you. Do you want to communicate?
      How are things? I noticed your comment was last year.

      Like

  5. Donna Sposata diMaria
    February 2, 2014 at 9:43 pm #

    Wow. I got sent to your blog by another commenter at Dalrock. I didn’t end up at your homepage, I ended up at this post instead. What a blessed introduction to your blog — it is exactly what I needed, right down to the “assignment”!

    I have not been a submissive wife at all. I’m not totally even sure what that means, but have begun what I hope is a very honest effort to bring my own contribution to my marriage in line with what God demands of me. I have a very long way to go, and I am actually a little nauseous at the thought; but I am excited, too. Your description of your blog is dead-on what I am hoping for, for me.

    I look forward to reading more of your posts, and getting to know more about how this … works. 🙂

    Like

  6. Justin
    February 6, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

    How do I expose my wife to the ideas in this blog without coming across as “You are a sub-standard wife, here are tips to improve”. I love her dearly, yet so many things in this article spoke to me. I want to help her grow as a wife, but don’t want to come with any sort of holier than thou attitude.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      February 6, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

      Justin,
      It is great to meet you!
      There are a number of husbands who have the same exact issue you do.

      Some of them are having a discussion recently on “When She Surrendered”

      I listed a few ways that different husbands I know have approached this.

      I pray for wisdom for you and healing for you and your wife and God’s greatest glory in your marriage!

      Like

    • Dan
      July 1, 2014 at 11:09 pm #

      Justin, I am with you. I want my wife to glean some insight here. This is the best blog/site on respect and honoring husbands I have ever come across. But how to share it with her without seeming like a am forcing her to change or like she isn’t measuring up is a tough one. I pray it works out well for you, brother.

      Like

      • peacefulwife
        July 24, 2014 at 7:52 am #

        Thank you for sharing, Dan. It is my prayer that God might use this sight to bless many marriages and to help my sisters see His design and His will more clearly. Praying for wisdom for you and for healing for your marriage and God’s greatest glory in your life!

        Like

  7. Amy
    March 20, 2014 at 6:13 pm #

    Ouch! For all the times I’ve disrespected my husband. After 18 yrs. Of marriage I’m just now seeing things. I am so glad for your ministry. I am on this journey to become a respectful wife and more as I am in the baby steps stage. I’m real encouraged of you and all the other godly wives that are on this journey as well 🙂

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 20, 2014 at 7:12 pm #

      Amy,

      This is the kind of information I wish I had when I started this journey. It would have made things so much easier for me to understand!!

      I am so excited you are on this road with us. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you, your husband and your marriage. 🙂

      Like

  8. Amy
    March 20, 2014 at 7:23 pm #

    April,
    I am excited too, to see what God will do. This is the only blog I’m following at this time, it’s feeding, nourishing my soul. I’m soaking it up like a sponge. It’s helping me in my marriage to what a godly wife should be. Thank you!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      March 20, 2014 at 9:04 pm #

      Amy,

      This is a major answer to prayer, that is exactly what I long for this blog to be a fountain of God’s truth, life, wisdom, love, grace, power and encouragement to my sisters in Him. 🙂

      Like

  9. Disrespected Anonymous
    June 20, 2014 at 11:31 pm #

    Your statements “If you are rejecting him sexually – that is HUGE disrespect to a husband,” and “Arguing with them that they shouldn’t feel disrespected … is going to make things much worse,” and “There is a FAMINE of respect for men in our culture” are spot on. I’ve been rejected since the wedding night — no sex whatsoever for the first week of our honeymoon, after lots of premarital affection and clearly communicated sexual interest. I’ve been told that respect is earned. Tonight I was told that respect to me is dictatorship. We’ve been married 25 years. We are both believers who love Jesus. But there is profound pain.

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      June 22, 2014 at 1:53 pm #

      Disrespected Anonymous,

      I am so sorry for your pain! 😦

      I would love to recommend the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. That is the book God used to open my eyes to my disrespect. It is a very fair and balanced book and teaches that just like women need unconditional love (as God commands husbands to give in Ephesians 5:22-33), husbands need unconditional respect (as God commands wives to give in Ephesians 5:22-33). He presents this truth in a very gentle way and is quite understanding about that most wives are going to be surprised and shocked about this.

      Praying for wisdom and healing for you both and for the marriage!

      Like

  10. Jenny
    July 25, 2014 at 2:04 pm #

    The things you have listed here, I’ve heard my husband say several of them to me. I don’t ever want him to feel disrespected and breaks my heart to think he feels that way. Praying for guidance and for the Lord to open my eyes!

    Like

    • peacefulwife
      July 26, 2014 at 7:04 am #

      Jenny,
      I pray with you that God might empower you to learn to recognize what is disrespectful to your husband and to learn his language of respect and that God might draw both of you closer and closer to Himself and heal your marriage and be greatly glorified through you!

      Like

      • Jenny
        July 26, 2014 at 5:35 pm #

        Thank you so much for your prayers! I have been praying and so glad I came upon your blog. I have learned so much and was really helped this morning during a situation that came up. My hubby was talking about making a purchase and the first thing I thought was, ‘Well! There was something I wanted to buy a few days ago and he said no!’ I started to just that but I could hear the holy spirit telling me no, to just stay quiet. I walked out of the room and prayed for the Lord to help me and remembered reading on here to also ask the Lord to help my husband make the right decisions. So I prayed for him too! No arguments came out of that but other times it probably would have from just me getting upset at him! Then we ended up having a great day together. Thanks so much and your blog is a true blessing!

        Like

        • peacefulwife
          July 27, 2014 at 8:03 am #

          Jenny,
          That is wonderful! I love that you are able to hear God’s prompting and that you listened and prayed. How wonderful! It sounds to me like God worked in your husband’s heart to soften him on your behalf. I think his change of mind was an answer to prayer. Thank you for not getting upset with him for that!!!

          Like

          • Jenny
            July 27, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

            I think the Lord moved too and I praise Him for that! I could feel anger rising up but the Lord helped me and a peace came that I know can only come from Him!

            Like

  11. Catie
    September 13, 2014 at 12:53 am #

    I came across your page searching for some answers to my marriage that’s in major crisis – my husbands son ( from his first marriage) died 7 years ago and my husband and I have grown further and further apart since then – to be the point we are at now which is we are on the brink of divorce. I realized by reading this page and reading about you how much I gave neglected to ask God for help and that I have turned my back from Him because my husband has also. I have beaten my husband up so much but it’s because I care and he lost all care and emotion – and basically it’s since Robert died. I am going to ask God to forgive me and to help us and give it one more try in a loving way / please pray for us and thank you for your blog and the gentle reminder to look to Christ for answers

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      September 13, 2014 at 6:27 am #

      Catie,
      It is wonderful to meet you! I am stopping to pray for you and Robert right now. I am SURE that the grief has been a very difficult thing for both of you to deal with. I have a post from a wife in a second marriage whose son died, and the aftermath almost destroyed their marriage. But then, God woke up the wife and began to heal them both 2 years ago. Here is the link.

      I’m right here if you want to talk!!! Praying for God’s healing and His greatest glory. This is a long process. It requires patience. But it is SO worth it!

      Like

  12. LizabethOaks
    October 17, 2014 at 4:31 pm #

    Wow, might I say an answer to prayer! I have a rather long post! I have been married for forty years, over twenty of them my husband has been a geographic bachelor. ( He has lived and worked away from home ) . I had actually run away from home when our youngest turned eighteen, but with much prayer, a wonderfu Christian counselor and a God who is bigger than any foolishness or wounds on our part, we are back together again. I never thought God could use my foolishness to help anyone else.

    Fast forward to my eldest son and his wife. The issues
    in their marriage are so serious that only God can save it and the. Yes, they both know Jesus, but the hurst and wounds are very deep. I was praying and crying and found this site, along with the ultimate husband site. Both speak volumes to what happens in a relationship, it becomes a vicious cycle of ever ending blame, hurt and unforgiveness. Yet, I am living proof that God can heal and change us, I had to start with myself, let God change me and let Him change others, it was difficult for me to learn that was not my job!

    I am praying this site can help in my kids marriage and Thankyou so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peacefulwife
      October 19, 2014 at 11:18 am #

      LizabethOaks,
      I am so pleased to meet you!

      I thank and praise God for what He has done in your life! Praying for continued healing for you and your husband and for you son and his wife. Praying for God’s greatest glory in your life and family!!!

      Like

  13. LMD
    January 16, 2015 at 11:57 am #

    PeacefulWife,

    I am totally loving your blog. I have been a Christian all of my life, well i thought.
    This past summer my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and he doesn’t know if i was ever “the one” for him. A few months later I found out that he was having an emotional affair with his coworker. She is a single mom. She was “helping” him fix our problems. I turned to Christ and repented of my sins and began to read about being a mother and wife. My eyes were opened and God convicted my heart very quickly. We started going to mass as a family. My husband works on the road alot so is away. Even when he was staying at his parents house he always came to mass with us because “he felt that is where he needed to be”. We are seeing a counselor now for about a month.

    Alittle bit about me: My father died when I was 11 and my mother was an alcoholic. I grew up overnight and became a controlling kid, then adult, then wife, the mother. I’ve always felt this emptiness even though i knew I LOVED my husband deeply. He says now that he wishes he hadn’t spent all that energy on her because he still has feelings for her. I pray now more than ever and I can even say that I know Christ, that I have a relationship with him. That makes me happy and I feel full of joy, the emtpiness has been filled. We go to mass EVERY single Sunday and I ENJOY going during the week when I can. God opened my eyes instantly and changed me.

    I was always a slob and disregarded my husbands wishes for a clean orderly home. I was so selfish. My heart is in anguish over the thoughts of my extreme pride and selfishness for the first three years of our marriage. I smothered him and he did so much for me, but it was never enough!! One of the newest thing that I am being convicted of is RESPECT. My mom always taught us that we should never depend on a man (because my dad died and left her to raise three young girls alone). I think she meant go to school and make something for yourself, but being a child I unhealthy interpreted it as, “be careful not to get walked on and be to nice”. I never saw her respect a man because my memory of before my fathers death is very vague. It’s just not something that was modeled to us.

    I am learning the small things that I do that make him feel little and unloved. I’ve let go of the reigns on my husband and don’t get angry at him for little things. I clean and keep our home very orderly now. I praise God everyday for these trials. I praise him everyday for opening my eyes. My husband and I have a long way to go and a lifelong journey, but as of right now he has choosen to stay in our marriage. I call him less, text him less, and try not to do things to manipulate him into saying the things I want to hear. I feel God convicting me right away in old behavior. He is working in us and I can even feel my husbands heart changing, the more I let go, the less I become the pursurer, the less he runs. Respecting my husband is the next topic on my heart from God and I am ready for the journey with Him. ❤

    God is SO GOOD, I give him all the glory for my marriage!

    Thank you for your blog and your help,
    Learning, Struggling, Perservering!!!!!!!!
    LMD

    Like

  14. Blessedjulia
    February 6, 2015 at 12:14 am #

    Dear sister! My name is Julia,I am a 28ys old Chinese wife,am so joyful and delighted that I am writing to you now with a grateful heart,both to u and to our Heavenly Father!after 2 months following you from YouTube and your blog, I have been helped
    ,nurtured and blessed so much,so deeply so supernaturally and so sweetly!! Thank u so much my dear sister! I was full of bitterness,controlling and anger towards my husband,and towards the world! I have been a Christian for 10 years but I was so alien from All the peace joy or love talked about in bible,I was praying in tears to God and asking him for help. He sent me your videos on YouTube! I was so astonished and filled with awe finding that God actually is REAL and CAN renew life and people! God used u to encourage me to start my journey. I am so delighted and amazed at how God transformed me!!! today,after Holy Spirit leaded me to pray for a prayer ,I am reminded of you,how dear and a precious sister I have and how I miss you though you don’t know me yet! I’d like also to share my prayer with you and other sisters to see whether it will be helpful for them also.And I wanted to write to you so that your joy will also be complete in your mission and so that I will join you in glorifying our father as a dear sister to u as well:))))))

    My prayers:
    Father,thank u for giving me a new day today.for having me as your child today.for the faith I have in u today.Thank u that you are my author and my finisher,you never leave me,abandon me or take away your love from me. Thank you that you are love,You are holy ,in u there is no darkness,no worry and no lack.in you I am sufficient,I am holy,I am blameless,pure and I will destroy all devil’s work.
    father,today help me abide in you,help me always think about you,pray to u and always feel you. help me to truly know you,seek you and understand you.let nothing else,no pleasure,nobody and no desire for and from this world,distract my mind and my heart from you. Help me see nothing,see nobody,but you.

    in each discomforting circumstances,Let me see you. In each anxiety and worry,Let me see you. In each evil thought from my sinful nature,Let me see you. In each person that offend me ,disrespect or annoy me, let me see nobody but you.
    In the unloving,sick,poor ppl,and ppl that are not smart,not adorable,not kind,let me see you,let me see how much you love and I shall love them,because that is exactly who I was in this world and that is exactly who you choose from this world.
    In each weakness I realize I still have, let me see you,loving and tenderly watching me,giving me your hand and helping me out.

    In the unexpecting moment of doubt where devil is trying to put doubt,unbelief and questioning in my mind,let me see immediately its trick and evilness,that is,it was exactly what he did from the very beginning to Adam and Eve. let me see you,your love and your protection on me which deliver me from the evil one.o,how alertive I should be before my enemy.

    Father,most importantly,help me today to love,to see everybody as my true sister and true brother,my mother and my father. Let me hate no one,envy no one,sin against no one,not using or taking from no one for any of my own interest.help me not holding bitterness and unforgiveness to no one.You love us all and died for us all,how could I hate anybody like that? Help me forgive! Help me truly pray for,care for and keep no record of wrongs to anyone who is twisting my heart!

    Help me with opportunities,ways to give,to love and to become a blessing to every person in my life or out of my life,because father,you love them,deeply,just like how deeply you love me.

    Help me father,help me.help me do all these not for boasting or gain acceptance from any men in this world,because none of good is out of me,bacause boasting for what I can do and what I have is not from you but the world,because apart from you I can do nothing ,but with you I can do everything.father I love you ,today Help me to be holy, help me to be you-centered rather than I-centered,help me glorify your name and join your unfinished amazing work to this world.Father,All my prayers are In Jesus name

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      February 6, 2015 at 8:07 am #

      Blessedjulia,

      WOW! Thank you so much for sharing what God has been doing in your life! I am in tears of joy over the goodness of our amazing God! 🙂 It is such a blesser and a blessing to meet you, my precious sister. How I praise God for His work in your mind and heart and the regeneration that His Spirit is doing in your soul.

      Thank you for sharing your prayer!!!!

      I can’t wait to meet you one day – whether on earth or in heaven. Thank you for being on this journey with me! 🙂 I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you. 🙂

      Like

  15. justmeagain14
    April 30, 2015 at 10:58 am #

    Don’t forget, it starts with the husband. Just like Jesus loved us first, so then we recognize and respect Him, so it goes with husband and wife.

    Many many men these days (not all), are not men. They are boys. How can a wife respect a man who isn’t a man? Many husbands sit around these days playing video games and joking like teenagers. What’s to respect about that?

    Its in a woman’s nature to take over if her husband is not handling things correctly. For example, if my husband spends his time playing games and acting like a child while I run the house and ensure everything is paid on time, why would I ask his opinion on something? Likewise, if he has no idea how to handle money and wants to make frivolous decisions that cannot be afforded to buy his “toys”, and leave me in the poorhouse, why woud I trust him with anything?

    A man who does not love his wife FIRST, or thinks of himself before her, cannot be trusted. A man who cannot be trusted, cannot be respected. God made women to take over and bust balls if there are problems like this.

    So it went with my husband. He acted like a child, he got treated like one. I also took responsibility for everything including money. Then he wondered why my desire for him died, and my respect. One day I told him to his face I could not respect him anymore as I could not trust him to not put himself first. That woke him up and he sought assistance.

    A man needs to be a man. When a woman feels loved and her husband gives him self up for her, she respects her husband. She can trust him, and let him lead as he should. Would anyone trust Jesus if He was selfish and served Himself? A man’s purpose is to submit to Jesus, learn to be His wife, so he can learn to be husband to his own wife. God made it this way, a man leads, and woman willingly follows. He proves he cannot or will not lead, she will do what needs to be done and eventually, her respect for him will die.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 30, 2015 at 3:16 pm #

      justmeagain14,

      It’s wonderful to meet you! My heart breaks for the pain you and your husband both experienced in your marriage. I’m really glad to hear your perspective – reminds me a lot of myself earlier in our marriage.

      It is in a woman’s nature to take over in her marriage – that is part of our sinful nature that we inherited from Eve. But it is also part of our nature that we are supposed to die to when we are in Christ.

      It would be awesome if husbands always loved their wives and Christ perfectly. God does command husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Very true. What you are describing echo the thoughts of many, many women today. I spent the first 14+ years of our marriage focusing on my husband’s failures in my eyes and how he “should” be obeying God. Then God opened my eyes to my own mountain of sin. (You can read more about my story on my “About” page near the top of my home page.)

      Here on my blog, however, we focus on what God commands us to do as wives. The commands for husbands and for wives are unconditional. Ephesians 5:22-33 contains many of God’s commands for both husbands and wives. Husbands are commanded to love their wives – no exceptions. Wives are commanded to respect their husbands – no exceptions. It is not, “Wives must respect their husbands IF…” or “Wives must respect their husbands WHEN…”

      Interestingly, if even one spouse will begin to obey God – whether it is the wife first or the husband first – God often begins to work in that marriage to do miracles and to bring healing many, many times.

      I tried the disrespectful route for a long time. I tried taking over and taking control. I treated my husband like he couldn’t handle things – and he let me have control. He became increasingly unplugged, resentful, passive, and uninvolved. I became increasingly stressed, lonely, afraid, worried, and upset. It was awful. We were both miserable. But when God began to change my heart, my words, my attitudes, my actions, and my thinking – in time – God also began to heal and change my husband and my marriage.

      There are some men who won’t respond to respect. If a man is involved in an active addiction, unrepentant infidelity, criminal activity, genuine abuse, or has uncontrolled mental health disorders – respect can’t magically fix those things. But a decent man who is not involved in those kinds of things I just mentioned will generally, in time, respond to a godly wife’s genuine respect and honor. And even if he does not – the wife can live without regrets knowing she is obeying God. There can be times a wife may need to separate – while she continues to pray for healing and reconciliation with her husband in God’s way and His timing and His power.

      There are times a wife must confront her husband’s sin. Absolutely. But we can do that as we are filled with the power and wisdom and love of God and we can do it in a respectful, godly, honoring way.

      I Peter 3:1-6 is written specifically for wives whose husbands are “disobedient to the Word.” But God’s design is STILL for wives to approach their husbands with respect.

      Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

      It would be interesting to know how your husband might have reacted if you had begun to implement Ephesians 5 on your end of the marriage and I Peter 3. Maybe it’s not too late? 🙂

      Could be a great time to check out the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. He goes into detail about how husbands need respect more than anything and wives need love more than anything – and how when a wife feels unloved, she tends to react without respect. Then when the husband feels disrespected, he tends to react without love – and the Crazy Cycle goes round and round. The only way to stop it is for one person, the more spiritually mature person, to begin to give the other what he/she needs whether that person gets his/her needs met at the time or not.

      God healed me. He healed my marriage. He healed my husband.

      I know He can heal you, your husband, and your marriage. I have seen Him do that hundreds and hundreds of times when wives (or husbands) are willing to do things His way and seek Him far above anything else.

      I hope you might check out some more posts here. Perhaps you might find hope and healing here, too?

      Much love to you, my dear sister. 🙂

      April

      Godly Femininity
      My Husband Doesn’t Deserve My Respect!

      My Husband Is Not a Good Spiritual Leader

      How to Make Your Husband an Idol

      Biblical Submission – begins with us submitting wholeheartedly to Christ

      How Biblical Submission and Respect Impacted a Husband’s Soul

      How Peacefulwife’s Husband Responded as God Changed Her

      Like

      • Peacefulwife
        April 30, 2015 at 3:29 pm #

        I know for me – it is really important to check my motives and my heart. Am I full of God’s love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control (Gal.5:22-23)? Or am I cherishing sin in my heart when I approach my husband? If I approach him with bitterness, hatred, contention, malice, resentment, unforgiveness, ungodly anger, pride, or self-righteousness – I have some serious sin of my own to deal with before I begin to attempt to approach my husband (Matt. 7:1-5).

        Like

      • justmeagain14
        May 1, 2015 at 1:29 pm #

        Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

        God has in fact already been healing our marriage. For 12 years, I threw all of my love and respect into a bottomless pit of nothingness. No response, no love, no meeting of my needs. Only interest in games and his own stuff, spending money on his own crap while I ran the house and marriage, while throwing me a bone of sex maybe twice a month to shut me up. He continued to say the things that would shut me up and appease me for another week or two, of quieting my crying out of pain and starvation. He would even laugh at me when I told him I was scared with how he drove with me in the car and he would drive even worse to scare me, thinking it was funny and a joke. (Just an example of many.). Soon words withered without action. I was withered and could no longer try to love him. I got tired and empty of loving only to be rejected over and over as a wife and human being, in the bedroom and out. I told him the truth more than once, first in love and quietly, over and over, then in bitterness and anger. Nothing was settling in. I withdrew.

        One day, he put his hand on my leg and I jumped away. He repulsed me. I was devastated, utterly broken. It was not a conscious response. Just as a dog who is continually kicked goes back to love, he gets kicked one too many times, he will turn around and automatically bite at some point. I had come to that point.

        I ran to the bathroom and cried and cried. I went to him and told him finally, its come to the point he repulsed me. I didn’t even know it until that point, so desperate was I for his love. I was dead, he killed me. It took years, but he killed his wife. I told him this. I no longer wanted him to touch me in any way shape or form, devastating though it was.

        A natural separation then occurred. For the better part of a year, we lived separate lives in the same house. He had plenty of time to think about what he had caused. He begged me for physical contact. I couldn’t. He made his bed and he had to lay in it, deal with the consequences his sin had brung him. Over time it broke him too. His natural consequence was he felt exactly what he had done and caused. It wasn’t out of spite or vengeance, it was natural consequence as the dog example above. He was selfish, and I could no longer trust him. I told him this and said I have zero respect for him. I respected him as a human being but not much more, much less a husband he proved he wasn’t. I couldn’t trust him to look beyond himself, to love me, to take care of me, how could I respect him? Why would anyone respect someone who has contempt for them, when I didn’t even know he loved me by his action? Why would I submit to someone who I couldn’t trust to put me first and give himself up for me?

        So when you say we have to look at our own sin, sometimes that is simply not the case. One person truly can be the cause of all ills in a relationship. One person truly can be doing things right by God and getting nowhere.

        Over this year, he started getting it. One day he came to me in tears, taking responsibility anf begging my forgiveness. I offered him grace, and time to show me his Godly repentance and prove to me he has changed. 12 years of damage cannot be undone in even a year, but we are now in the same bed and things are starting to heal by God’s grace. He takes responsibility and does everything to show I am his priority after God and that he is trustworthy. He needs to and is showing me this every day. One day at a time.

        So, just showing another point of view. If someone utterly breaks a marriage and the other is doing everything right, there is only so much to be done. Sometimes, one has to feel the pain they have caused, and the consequences of it, to break them, and their heart, so they are teachable, by God. It doesn’t mean to treat a man like garbage because of it, but it doesn’t mean he can be respected as a husband, either. Truly even in Christ, yes we as wives give our self up, but as Eve got life from Adam, so do we get life from our husbands. A husband CAN kill his wife, even in Christ.

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          May 1, 2015 at 1:43 pm #

          justmeagain14,

          There can be times when separation is necessary, yes, absolutely.

          We are always responsible to look at our own sin first – Matthew 7:1-5. But we are not responsible for other people’s sin. There can be times when a wife is doing everything right – those times are pretty rare. Usually – there are things that can be corrected on both sides and God can use this process to help us all to become more and more holy and more like Christ.

          It is possible for a wife to be in full obedience to God and Spirit-filled and for the husband to continue to rebel against God or sin against his wife – yes. Most husbands eventually respond to genuine respect and God’s Spirit in their wives, but there are some who continue on a destructive path.

          I’m really glad that your husband is repenting. That is awesome! I hope that you will also allow God to show you anything in your heart that He desires to change. I don’t know your heart – only God does. But it is my prayer that God might transform you both to be more and more like Christ for His glory. I’m so glad that your husband is focusing on your needs. Fantastic!!! I pray that you will also ask God to help you understand your husband better and how you can meet his unique masculine needs and honor God’s Word in your marriage. 🙂

          I believe a wife CAN always obey God’s commands for her to respect her husband and honor his leadership – unless he is asking his wife to clearly sin or condone sin or he is not in his right mind and is asking her to do something clearly dangerous. We are most tempted to sin when we are sinned against (Gary Thomas – Sacred Marriage) – but in Christ, we have the power to respond in God’s Spirit’s power without sin even when we are sinned against.

          So we don’t have to resort to disrespect, contempt, hatred, unforgiveness, bitterness, control, pride, self-righteousness or any other sinful approach. We can continue to bless and pour out the love of God even when our husbands sin. God has specific directions for us about how to treat our enemies – surely those directions apply to us when our husbands mistreat us, as well in Romans 12:9-21. There can be times we may need to separate and have boundaries until a husband is willing to rebuild trust. Yes. Absolutely.

          I trust God to work in your heart and in your husband’s heart. You are welcome here. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for both of you!

          Much love to you, my precious sister!

          Like

          • justmeagain14
            May 1, 2015 at 2:38 pm #

            Thank you again for your thoughts.

            Only last feedback about honouring leadership. Men lead, boys do not. As said above, many “men”, are in fact only physically, in reality, they are boys. The Bible was written in a time when boys were expected to be men by 18-20, or even earlier. Nowadays, with the plague of “delayed” adulthood, and fact that females do mature faster than men, “men” in fact today are boys.

            These “men” often take on the adult office of marriage, for which they are often not qualified or ready. This is where my husband was. God’s leadership of husbands is predicating on being a man, not a boy.

            I ran the household and marriage. If left to him, again wed have been in the poorhouse and have nothing to show for work. I would not allow our future to be frittered away. I would not face wasting money and life. Boys are not qualified to be husbands, and if boys, cannot lead. Leadership is an office of adulthood. Considering this, I do not believe a man has natural office to lead simply because he is married. If he is a boy, he is not in a position to lead. If that is the case, he would go to hell in a handbasket and take wife and children and household with him. Would you give the keys to a car, house and bank account, and your life and personhood, to a 15 year old? Having man parts does not mean he inherits right to lead, just because of what equipment he’s got. Same thing that I do not submit to a man simply because he’s a man. A woman willingly submits when she is loved.

            A man who does not love his wife and give himself up for her as Jesus loved the church, is sinning. By that very definition, he is sinning and accepting that state of affairs is condoning such sin, and putting wife and children (if there) and household, in danger.

            Just a thought.

            Thanks again for your post.

            Like

            • Peacefulwife
              May 1, 2015 at 3:14 pm #

              Justmeagain14,

              It is important for us to choose godly men to marry, and to carefully consider our choice before we agree to a marriage covenant. But then, once we are married – God does hold us to obey His Word for ourselves on our end of the marriage. He also holds our husbands responsible and accountable for obeying His Word for them.

              – A man who does not love and lead his wife in a godly way is sinning. Yes. I totally agree.
              – And – just as importantly – a wife who does not honor and respect her husband and submit to him (unless he is not in his right mind or is asking her to condone or commit clear sin) is also sinning.

              I did not see that for a long time in our marriage – and, sadly, I helped to create a lot of destruction. I don’t want to see other wives make my same mistakes!

              I know this is a drastic change in mindset from what the world describes – but I invite you to check out what God said in I Peter 3:1 that I had shared earlier. Compare everything I am saying to God’s Word.

              I see that you love God and want to obey and honor Christ. I’m so glad about that! That is awesome. But I also see some worldly (and very popular and common) ideas that do not seem to be based in Scripture here that I would love to see you question, study, and prayerfully consider.

              We are not commanded by God to submit to any man. But we are commanded by God to submit to our particular husband – even if our husbands are far from God (I Peter 3:1-2). We have influence over our husbands. We can respectfully communicate with them and share our needs, our perspectives, our concerns, and our hearts. God does allow for separation – sometimes that is necessary (I Cor. 7).

              I hope you might check out the links I shared. And, if you would be interested, you may want to check out The Danvers Statement and the free resource available Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

              God does give a husband the office of leadership in marriage. When we get married, that is what we sign up for. Check out Ephesians 5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3, Colossians 3:18-19, I Peter 3:1-7, Titus 2:3-5. And check out chapter one of Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. My prayer is that you will base your beliefs firmly on Scripture and that God might say to you, “Well done, my good and faithful servant” when you stand before Him when this short life is over.

              Much love to you!

              Like

              • justmeagain14
                May 1, 2015 at 3:32 pm #

                Thank you for the posts, I will read and consider them for sure.

                One thing personally for me, my faith comes from no longer being servant to Jesus, but friend and wife. He called me to Him and came in to me just over 8 years ago now. He came over me and consummated His love with me, consuming me in love and making me what He is. I acknowledge I am still human and prone to those weaknesses. But I do also know what He made me, everything He knew from His Father He made known to me at that time.

                I cannot wait for Him to tell me, “well done, good and faithful servant”, because I have been called “I love you, my Wife.” He changed me from the inside out in a matter of seconds when He caught me up to Him in eternity and ravished me. While faded over the years, at the immediate time, He did also grant me all understanding and wisdom, though yes, my flesh has creeped back in, but this is a daily dying to that flesh. My experience was much like that of Teresa of Avila, which is an experience very few have been gifted at this time..

                We are all Christians, but we may have some different understandings in some areas, as I believe you are Baptist, and although no longer officially Catholic, that is how I was brought up. Not huge, but He has already made me His Wife. Each in their own order, as it is said. My husband is also now submitting to being Jesus’ Wife, so he can be my husband.

                Like

                • Peacefulwife
                  May 1, 2015 at 4:07 pm #

                  justmeagain14,

                  I’m so excited about what Jesus has done and is doing in you. 🙂

                  Even as the Bride of Christ, we do submit to Jesus – as Ephesians 5:22-33 says, and a number of other Scriptures. He is Lord. We submit to His Lordship. We show Him our love in our obedience to Him (John 14:22,24) “Anyone who loves me will obey My commandments… and anyone who does not love me will not obey My commands.”

                  So, my submission to Christ reveals itself in my willingness to submit to and honor Greg. And my submission to Greg and my willingness to respect and honor him because he is my husband reveals my heart to reverence, love, honor, and submit to Christ. Loving authority and joyful, willing submission are the very picture of Christ and His Bride, the church. That is what marriage is to reflect – the intimacy between Christ and the Church. So beautiful!

                  How wonderful that your husband is submitting to Christ, as well. Praise God for that! 🙂

                  Much love to you!

                  Like

  16. Olathe
    May 8, 2015 at 2:04 am #

    Hello, I am thinking it is not an accident that I have found your page. I typed in the phrase “nasty husband” and found this blog.

    I have been married for nearly 20 years. The biggest problem I think I have had in my marriage is my lack of respect for my husband, because he several times either failed to protect me or lied to me. He also seems to have an anger problem which manifests as yelling.

    We had a terrible argument this weekend which ended up with him yelling and cursing at me in front of my children and then walking out the door. He came back several minutes later but some very harsh words were spoken. I have been very sad and crying since that happened.

    There are many things I find respectable about my husband, he tries to be a good father, he works, he supports the family, he is usually reliable. However during the course of our marriage he has done some really quite horrible things, things that I am not sure I will ever get over.

    I want to continue in the marriage, and I have asked God to help me deal with what happened this weekend, the aftermath of it, in the way he would want me to do so. I found this blog and realized, I should probably show more respect, and yes I think I should show respect regardless of what he does. I feel degraded, I don’t really care about my pride, I will try to do it. I just feel, well, degraded. I feel that my husband doesn’t really respect me as a person. I feel that pretty deeply.

    Anyway, I put on a skirt, I do believe there is something to that, today. I am grateful for finding this blog and hope I can do better as a wife.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      May 8, 2015 at 9:14 am #

      Olathe,

      I’m so very sorry for the terrible pain that is happening in your marriage and in your soul – and in your husband’s heart, as well, it seems. 😦 Breaks my heart!

      How do you normally respond when he yells?

      What is it that he says he needs from you?

      Are you safe? Are your children safe? Does he ever throw things or ever physically hurt you or threaten to?

      Is he involved in unrepentant sin, an addiction, infidelity, or does he have an uncontrolled mental health disorder?

      Are you able to share very briefly and generally what kinds of horrible things you are talking about?

      I want to be sure you are not in an abusive situation before I attempt to address anything. I think there are a lot of pieces to the puzzle that I am missing that are really important. I don’t want to make wrong assumptions.

      How is your relationship with Christ?
      How is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you!

      Like

  17. Olathe
    May 9, 2015 at 6:59 pm #

    Hi Peacefulwife,

    I will try to respond to your questions as you asked them.

    How do I normally respond when he yells? – Well, this is a problem that goes back to the beginning of our marriage. Before we had kids, which we were married for 2 years before we had a child, I don’t remember much yelling, but I do remember him being pretty unreasonable sometimes, which puzzled me. After we had kids, his yelling and controlling behavior seemed to get worse. It got so bad that twice I felt the need to leave the house and take my very small children with me, because I couldn’t stand it. Each time I left, he did seem to calm down or try to stop yelling. The second time he went to an anger management class. He seems to get control of it sometimes, but he never really conquers his problem with yelling. Sometimes if it is really bad, I get upset and confront him and ask him to stop. It always reappears though, in varying degrees. It is not everyday.

    I do not know what he needs from me. That is a good question and one I will ask him. He never really says what he needs from me.

    No he does not throw things or physically hurt me or the kids. I do find him abusive in the things he says and the way he seems to constantly disrespect my wishes, and the yelling really gets to my nerves.

    Unrepentent sin, etc. No although one could probably make a case that he has a mental health issue with anger. He seems to think lying is a way to protect himself that is habitual, so I would say that is a sin that he has not dealt with. He has many times lied to me especially about money, in our marriage but also about other things. It causes me to always worry about what he is going to do next that he is going to lie to me about, such as, taking out a loan and not telling me.

    Terrible things I mean are: lying to me about important things such as money, spending large sums of money without telling me and lying about it for years on end until I find out, not defending me when I am in helpless situations such as being abused by a nasty doctor when I was in labor, letting people talk badly about me and not standing up for me (even at a party), suggesting sexual behavior that is not appropriate. The unprotectiveness bothers me a lot. One time his mother was just castigating me while I was stuck in her house for Christmas, it was really awful. He did not stop it, did nothing at all. Stuff like that stays on my mind and I find it hard to get over that.

    My relationship with Christ I think is ok. I have been a Christian for many years. I used to have a much stronger faith but in recent years it has been shaken pretty badly, but I am still holding on to my faith and I do believe God has the answers, or the help or what ever you want to call it.

    Sorry this is so long.

    I often wonder if I am in denial about how bad my relationship is. I don’t feel I have the strength to live on my own. There are positive things about my husband as well, as I stated, he works, supports me and the kids, tries to be a good father, seems to care about the kids and me. He just has a lot of distressing faults.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      May 10, 2015 at 6:05 am #

      Olathe,
      What were things like for your husband when he was growing up? What was his parents’ marriage like?

      Have y’all gone to counseling about the lying and money spending issues?

      Does he ever defend himself when he is being mistreated by his family or by someone else (other than you)?

      Are you experiencing God’s peace and joy on a regular basis?

      What do you believe you need to be happy?

      What are your greatest fears?

      What do you pray for for yourself and your husband?

      Could you have any bitterness in your heart toward him?

      Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas has several chapters dealing with husbands with anger issues that may be a blessing.
      Much love to you!

      Like

      • Olathe
        May 11, 2015 at 4:30 pm #

        Hello,

        His parent’s marriage was not good. His father abused his mother and they divorced after 4 children. His father has been married several times now.

        Have y’all gone to counseling about the lying and money spending issues?…………Actually I recently tried to get us counseling, but it just did not work out. The city I live in just doesn’t have a lot of choices in the way of medical care or counseling. I have looked for help before, it just seems hard to find. I wish I could find a good counselor.

        Does he ever defend himself when he is being mistreated by his family or by someone else (other than you)?……He does sometimes, but he obviously hates to have to defend himself or me. He seems to get along fairly well with others but, confrontation seems to be something he just hates and tries to avoid at all costs. It is a serious problem for me. I don’t know how to deal with that, I really don’t.

        Are you experiencing God’s peace and joy on a regular basis?……..I am not really sure what this means. I suppose not as I cry pretty much daily.

        What do you believe you need to be happy?……I am not sure and I am trying to figure it out. I have no extended family support whatsoever, all I have is my husband and children. I wish I had support, like a sister or loving family member or close friend. I don’t. I have looked for that in the church but always come up empty. I am disillusioned I guess, I think the church should be caring but that is not what I have found in practice.

        What are your greatest fears? ….. This is a hard question to answer. Life is hard enough without thinking of what could be worse, no? 🙂

        What do you pray for for yourself and your husband?……I guess I have reached a breaking point. I feel broken. That is why I have been looking on the internet for answers, praying for God to help me handle my life as best as I can, what I can do to somehow make it better if I can. I feel I need to change, stop arguing or trying to change him because I just absolutely can’t change him.

        Could you have any bitterness in your heart toward him?….I am pretty sure I do. I feel a husband should try to protect you and there were times he did not. I guess I have to forgive that and let go of that expectation.

        Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas has several chapters dealing with husbands with anger issues that may be a blessing……Thanks I will look that up.
        Much love to you!…..And to you as well.

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          May 13, 2015 at 6:45 am #

          Olathe,
          I hope to get to respond to you tonight or tomorrow. I want to have time to properly respond.

          Much love to you!

          Like

        • Peacefulwife
          May 14, 2015 at 8:31 am #

          Olathe,

          My precious sister! My heart just aches for you!!

          I can understand why your husband is afraid of confrontation just from the little bit you shared about his childhood. He did not have godly or healthy examples as he was growing up, it sounds like. I would imagine he is probably extremely spiritually/emotionally/relationally wounded and fragile.

          You cannot change him or make him do things – and you can make yourself crazy if you try to make him change – I have been there and done that! You can only control and change you – and we can trust God to work in your husband’s life.

          It sounds like you are most definitely not experiencing God’s peace and joy. When I began my journey to seek to become a godly wife, I had no mentor and no one to talk to either. Well, I had one older wife who I got to talk to for about 2 hours once per year. Other than that, I had no mentor. It was God, me, my journals, the Bible, and about 30 books on godly marriage and godly femininity over about 2.5 years. I spent hours every day, all the spare time I could, praying, reading, studying, begging God to change me. And it was SLOW progress and difficult progress. But – God is enough. He is enough to fill me and to give me purpose! He can flood your soul with His peace, joy, power, Life, truth, and spiritual abundance as you seek Him and trust Him and yield control fully to Him as Lord.

          The reason I asked about your greatest fears and what you believe you need to be happy – is that those questions often reveal where our trust really is. The answers to these questions often show our idols – things we put above Christ in our hearts, often without even realizing it. They are our biggest priorities and the things we think we need to be happy/content. They are often the focus of our lives – finding the things we think will make us happy. And our fears are often the opposite of our idols. You certainly don’t have to share those answers with me, but they may be things to think about and pray about. We must get to the point where we are willing to lay down all of our desires and all of our fears and release them to God – finding satisfaction and contentment in Christ alone even if we must face our greatest fears or even if we don’t get the things we want the most in this life. There is a lot of wrestling in prayer to do to get to that place of total surrender, but that is the place we must be in order to begin to be filled with God’s Spirit and His peace and joy.

          Also, you can ask God to show you if there are any sins in your life you are cherishing that may be keeping God’s Spirit from having control. For me, it was things like bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, pride, self-rightouesness, gossip, hatred, disrespect for my husband, the idol of wanting control, unbelief in God, etc… that kept me in misery, anxiety, worry, and fear.

          Would you be able to tell me about your relationship with Christ, please? How did you come to Him? What do you trust in – so that you are right with God?

          Another book that I believe would be really helpful would be Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

          I also invite you to search my home page for the following topics:

          – idol
          – idolatry
          – fear
          – bitterness
          – discontentment
          – contentment
          – security
          – stages of this journey
          – godly femininity

          I believe these may be a blessing to you, my precious sister! 🙂

          Sending you the biggest hug! I pray you will find nothing but God’s love and truth here. You are always welcome here!

          Like

  18. Josef
    May 26, 2015 at 11:04 pm #

    I am near the end. I have been patient,, prayed, have yet to see anything that resembles a positive. I’ve been rejected and pushed away for quite some time,, it bothers me that I find myself caring less each time. It’s to the point where i would rather she tells me it’s over,, she no longer loves or wants me,, than to keep up with this like it presently is.
    So much rejection it hurts deeply.
    I don’t wish to go into great detail.
    I still hold on to hope that through God, all things are possible.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      May 27, 2015 at 6:47 am #

      Josef,

      How I pray for God’s wisdom and healing for you, your wife, and your marriage. I do believe that with God, all things are possible! I have seen Him do many miracles. Some happen quickly, others happen over a long period of time.

      Is she willing to go to a godly, biblical counselor with you?

      Or do you believe she might be willing to read a book with you?

      How can I bless you, my brother? How can we pray for you?

      Like

  19. Chuck noble
    June 2, 2015 at 8:39 am #

    How do I get my wife to read this, just tell her to.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 2, 2015 at 8:58 am #

      Chuck Noble,

      Wonderful to meet you. 🙂

      Some husbands print this out and ask their wives to read it. Some pray about how God might want them to present this information. It depends on what you believe would be best. Sometimes wives are not very receptive to posts like this if their husbands ask them to read it. So – it will take a lot of discernment and wisdom.

      Like

      • Kelly
        June 5, 2015 at 3:04 pm #

        Hi, April. Great website. I was sent a link to your site by a woman in my church asking for advice. Her husband had directed her to your site to resolve on-going issues in their marriage. She was hurt by his suggestion because he was more than happy to point out her flaws as a wife but was not willing to hear her side of the story. This came across as very one-sided to her. After perusing your site, clearly you are ministering to women only and I commend your work. However, there are multiple comments from men (such as above) asking how to get their wives to embody this message.

        I respect your approach to only teach and instruct women. However, this leaves a gap where men are reading your site and then passing this info to their wives in what comes across in the comments as a one-sided approach, very similar to the one experienced by the woman in my church. I’m sure the men are well-meaning, and I’m not questioning their good intentions.

        You mention that we have lost the true meaning of masculinity/feminity in Christ – part of this means that men must accept their role as leaders and not just blame their wives or correct their wives in isolation of their own actions.

        Would you be willing to add a link in your site to a post specifically for men who are visiting your site, perhaps written by your husband? Suggestions for this link would include how to lovingly present this information to their wives, the biblical concept of clearing their own sin before confronting others, their role as leaders while resolving marital conflict, and the humility needed to also address her concerns that she feels have driven her to these attitudes or behaviours? Just an idea. I know your husband has his own blog, but I checked there as well and there doesn’t seem to be a post to that effect. Just an idea. Again, great site.

        Like

        • Peacefulwife
          June 5, 2015 at 3:48 pm #

          Kelly,

          Thank you for your comment and suggestions. This is certainly an issue at times. I do only teach women, out of reverence for Scripture’s admonition that women are not to have authority over or teach men. I also don’t have control over anyone who reads my site or what they do with the information here. I seek to encourage husbands to focus on becoming the men God desires them to be and seeking His wisdom and His Spirit’s power about how best to approach their wives if they have issues. I have seen God work through quite a few husbands and change them as they read here if they are willing to look at themselves first.

          I do believe it is important for husbands and wives to all be able to share their concerns with each other. I know that sometimes if a husband asks his wife to read my blog, it can be difficult for a wife to receive that request well. There are a lot of husbands and wives in very difficult situations. Almost no one likes for anyone to criticize him or her – and yet – we all have issues that need to be addressed. It would be ideal if husbands and wives felt that they could share their concerns with each other and if they could feel heard, loved, and respected by each other

          My husband does have a blog that men are welcome to go to. I also post resources for men from time to time when I become aware of them. One of the best, in my view, would be Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood edited by Wayne Grudem and John Piper which is available for download free at http://www.cbmw.org/resources/ It is a fantastic resource for husbands and wives and gives a very balanced view of what husbands and wives are to do in marriage and what godly masculinity and leadership is, as well as what godly femininity looks like.

          My suggestion for wives whose husbands send them to my site would be to read a few posts and prayerfully consider whether what is shared here is God’s truth and whether there is anything that God may be speaking to these precious women. The things I share really don’t have a lot to do with our husbands – they have everything to do with our walk with Christ. Even though it is unpleasant for a wife to hear about my site from her husband – I have seen God change hundreds and hundreds of wives all over the world. Sometimes it is the husband who shares this information. And sometimes the wife eventually sees that it is a blessing – even though she may have felt angry and offended at first. It is possible that some husbands may be attempting to lead in a godly way by sharing my site – even though some of the topics I address are difficult and uncomfortable at times. Husbands may not lead perfectly. But for many of them – this is an attempt to begin to direct their marriage in a biblical direction. They will have their own issues that need to be addressed, as well. May we trust God to speak to our husbands and bring them to conviction of any sin in their lives and may we seek to become the women Christ calls us to be for His glory!

          I share those resources on “My Beliefs” at the top of my home page. I will discuss your concerns and suggestions with my husband.

          May God richly bless your walk with Christ, my sister!

          Like

          • Peacefulwife
            June 6, 2015 at 2:04 pm #

            Another resource that may be helpful for men is the post “Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin” – most of the Scripture I share is for all believers, not just women.

            I was thinking a lot about your comment yesterday – and I did talk about it with Greg, too. And – although I know that some men do not approach their wives in a humble, gentle, loving way about these things – I have also seen a number of men who did approach these kinds of issues in godly ways. It is still hard to hear for us as wives. None of us wants to be confronted about our own sin. That is so painful! And- honestly – only God can bring true conviction, even if our husbands approach us in a proper way.

            But my husband NEVER said a word to me about my sin. Not once in over 14.5 years of our marriage did he confront me about my pride, control, disrespect, self-righteousness, unforgiveness, resentment, fear, worry – and all of the things that I was doing that contributed great pain to our marriage that I was blind to. I do not believe that a husband’s passivity is a gift. I do not believe that Greg did me, himself, or our children any favors by refusing to address my sin. I had no idea that I was sinning against him. I would have been very hurt – yes – if he had brought it up. But, I would have had to face my sin and perhaps I would have repented many years earlier and spared us both from the damage my sin caused. Sin always causes destruction – no matter what the sin is.

            I don’t want to tell husbands “don’t ever attempt to address these issues with your wives.” Ideally, husbands will seek God first themselves and be sensitive to His Spirit and willing to humbly repent of any sin in their own lives before attempting to address issues in their wives’ lives. I want to see all of the sin gone from husbands’ and wives’ lives and to see us all walking in the power of God’s Spirit and in holiness for His glory!

            Much love!

            Like

            • Kelly
              June 8, 2015 at 10:25 am #

              Hi, April. Thank you for responding. I was impressed that you took the time to respond and with consideration, too. May you be blessed for the work you are doing!

              Like

              • Peacefulwife
                June 8, 2015 at 1:47 pm #

                Kelly,

                You are most welcome, me sweet sister! I appreciate how respectfully you approached me, as well. 🙂 I also appreciate your suggestions and have continued to think about them, pray about them, and talk to Greg about them. I still have much to learn on this journey with Christ and I greatly appreciate constructive criticisms and rebukes because they sharpen me. God often speaks to me through the comments of believers here.

                Much love to you!

                Like

              • Peacefulwife
                June 8, 2015 at 1:50 pm #

                Kelly,
                If your friend is ever interested in talking with me, she is always very welcome here, as well. 🙂

                Like

                • Kelly
                  June 9, 2015 at 1:32 pm #

                  Hi, again. I’m speaking with her again shortly. I’m been blessed by your approach. We focus so much on “when the other person changes…” and you have clearly chosen the high road. This is rare nowadays.

                  I wanted to say that I didn’t mean for my comments to come across as criticism or rebuke! I’m so sorry if they did. It was just an idea. 🙂

                  Have a wonderful day!

                  Like

                  • Peacefulwife
                    June 9, 2015 at 10:32 pm #

                    Kelly,

                    It is totally a God thing that I took the high road – because I took the low road for over 14 years until God opened my eyes. How thankful I am every day that He did!

                    I welcome suggestions, ideas, criticisms, and rebukes. They all help me get better. 🙂 I’m really thankful for your comments – and took no offense at all.

                    I’ve been thinking – maybe I need a post at the top of my home page for wives whose husbands referred them here. Will have to pray about that one.

                    Much love!

                    Like

  20. Llana
    June 15, 2015 at 12:35 pm #

    Thank you for your blog! I was feeling discontented last week with my husband and was searching to find a way to have him pursue me more and instead God lead me to your blog. I can have a tendency to be controlling and my husband is more laid back. Reading your posts has opened my eyes to what I have been doing unintentionally to my husband and our marriage. I praise God that He has started working on submission so early in our marriage (just celebrated our 1st anniversary this month!). I know this is going to be a long road but when I asked my husband this weekend if he thought I was better this week he said, “Yes! What have you been doing??” I simply told him reading about submission. It has made him want to do better as well. I still need to get the books you have recommended and I’m anxious to continue strengthening my relationship with Christ and my husband! Again, thank you for your ministry and I pray that God continues to bless you greatly with His wisdom!

    Like

  21. Tena
    June 27, 2015 at 11:26 pm #

    In Genesis 1, the story of creation is told. At the end of the first 5 days, God looked at what he had done and said it was good. But day 6 is very special, verses 27-31, God created man and woman in His image and married them and at the end of this day He said it was VERY GOOD. He also told them to be fruitful and multiply.
    As my heart cries for your pain, I am also worried about the model being instilled in the children.
    I am praying for the full healing of your marriages and families, that by God’s grace you will be restored in the love God has prepared for you and blesses as a sacred covenant of which He is the head.
    There is an old saying about falling in love a thousand times..with the same person. I believe God will do this if we daily seek His will and surrender to it and to Him.
    I pray for peace and goodwill to protect your marriages, that you and yours will be blessed and He exalted.
    In Jesus’s glorious name,
    Amen

    Like

  22. Heather
    July 13, 2015 at 9:53 am #

    This post was very eye-opening to me. Thank you! My friend just referred me to your blog and I’ve been delving in. It’s a lot to take in all at once but I can certainly see a lot of areas I need to improve on. I’m looking forward to a happier marriage!

    I do have a question though. My husband is a comedian at heart. He LOVES to make others laugh, often times at my expense. It is very hurtful to me and often times embarrassing. He’ll tell lies to be funny like “When I first met Heather, she didn’t even know how to use a garden hose”. At the time, I will usually get defensive and pipe up saying “that’s not true” or “you’re such a liar!” He thinks I’m just being too sensitive and don’t know how to have fun. I may wait until we get home to tell him that it really bothers me when he says things like that or makes me out to be stupid. This is usually followed by an eye roll and a “Here we go again! You’re just too sensitive!”

    It has always been an issue to me when I see husbands poke fun at their wives and say mean things. I grew up with a step dad that treated my mom horribly and she was always the brunt of his jokes. Over the years, it wore her down and was the center of many arguments – even in front of others. It feels very disrespectful and unloving to me while my husband just thinks he’s making others laugh and it’s funny. I want a husband who defends me and builds me up. Is this a result of him feeling disrespected? How can I stop this behavior? Am I being too sensitive?

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      July 13, 2015 at 8:58 pm #

      Heather,

      Welcome! I’m so glad to meet you. 🙂

      Lots of people use insults as part of humor – but if it causes hurt and pain – I vote that it is not worth it to use that kind of humor. In fact, I have some posts about this as far as how wives speak about and to their husbands.
      Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them
      Is Sarcasm Appropriate for a Godly Wife?

      I assume that his family made jokes like that about each other and they all handled it without getting upset?

      Here is the truth… you can’t stop or control his behavior. You only control yourself. You can influence him in a godly way or a destructive way. But you can’t make him stop joking like that.

      I know some pastors who will make jokes like that about their wives – and usually it is obvious that it is a fictional story. The wives I know in this situation don’t freak out or say anything in public. But I can understand that you may not like this. As you focus on becoming the wife God desires you to be, God may prompt you about when to address this respectfully in private. “Honey, I know you are just trying to be funny, but I feel disrespected and unloved when you talk about me like I’m an idiot.” When he says, “You are too sensitive.” You might say, “Perhaps I am, but this is how I feel. It would mean so much to me for you to speak highly of me in front of others the way I am sure you would like me to do for you. I love your sense of humor, and I am sure you can find other things to joke about.” If he continues to argue, you can simply say, “This is how I feel about this issue. It’s very important to me. I feel sad when you joke about me being stupid.” Focus on your FEELINGS. He cannot argue with them. Just stand firm in what you are saying. Be unemotional and calm about it, if possible. And be brief. Make your point and then let him think about it and marinate on it.

      Have you ever talked with your husband about your mom and step dad’s dynamics and how hurtful they were? Has he ever talked about noticing that?

      I think there are wives who might be able to let this roll off their backs and not be so sensitive – but I can also understand why it hurts, especially considering your mom’s history.

      If he ever DOES say something positive, respectful, uplifting, loving, etc… about you in front of other people. THANK HIM and tell him how much that means to you! SMILE and hug him and tell him it makes you feel so loved when he says positive things about you to other people.

      Much love!

      Like

  23. Mrs.Phillips
    October 24, 2015 at 10:47 am #

    My husband says he feels on moroleon worthless not needed and in this world and been feeling that way since he was a child what do you do? Says its not my fault I tell him that you are daughters are proof but heHe said he didn’t raise her it was me on that what you can’t young he has got a point you wasn’t around. He was always out drinking partying wouldn’t come home. We separated for 2 years and now we’re back and I’m trying to make this work its been down about 3 years later. He doesn’t work you don’t want to work you don’t want to do nothing he is getting up you used to not get out of bed very often now getting out of bed. He tries to help our daughter with homework and he does good in my eye. He’s trying and I see it but is also hurting so bad that he’s pushing me away. Like he’s got so much anger and him and he’s trying to control it I see it is hurt so hard. And scary. He stopped going church he stopped going to his friends stop doing a lot of things and I’m trying to get him go cuz if you don’t get out you won’t feel better about himself. You got good friends I’d like being back in search of trying of red light Bible constantly praying my daughter is praying. There’s not a day that little girl doesn’t bring for her daddy to go to church to be with her and do things with her and I’m trying to tell her that Daddy going to be there always. Until it changed time by the Lord to take him. How do I encourage him that he is needed and try to get him to talk more when he don’t even know how he feels that way from childhood and it’s just not left him.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      October 24, 2015 at 11:11 am #

      Mrs. Philips,

      He sounds very, very depressed. Is he suicidal? Does he have a good friend you think he might be willing to talk to? Are you safe, do you think?

      Would he be willing to talk with someone at Celebrate Recovery?

      Is he still drinking?

      I wonder if he might be willing to read something like Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray? Here is a free download.

      How are you doing spiritually, my sweet sister?

      Like

  24. Seeking Peace
    October 27, 2015 at 9:11 am #

    I forgot to mention that he has given me an ultimatum, move now (don’t wait until summer), or he says he is filing for divorce.

    Like

  25. Brandi
    November 30, 2015 at 11:46 am #

    I feel as if I have come across this too late. 😦 My husband told me a week ago he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore. We’ve been separated about a week now & me and my 2 young girls are living with my mom. He won’t talk to me at all & I’m not sure what snapped in him. He completely shut down & will not even talk to his best friend or mother. I feel like he needs to talk to someone but he won’t. In my heart, I don’t think divorce is the answer. We had a big fight a few months ago and I realized how disrespectful I’ve been to him over the years (married for 10). I’ve done & said a lot of things that I now regret but had no idea it was causing him such pain. I started to slowly make the changes he was needing. Things started looking up and the affection was back for both of us. THEN, out of the blue, he says he doesn’t feel affectionate & that something turned off in him. Which is so unfortunate because I feel like it turned back ON for me! But, maybe it’s too late? I’m at a loss as to what to do. Just been giving him his space & trying not to worry that it’s all over. But it’s so hard when he won’t give me any indication what is going on in his head. 😦 I Love him with all my heart, now more than ever, and want to do whatever I can to make it work.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      November 30, 2015 at 1:59 pm #

      Brandi,

      It would have probably been easier if you had found this earlier – but – that doesn’t mean that it is too late. 🙂 In Christ, there is much hope!

      Here are some posts that may give you a good start on what to do at this point. 🙂

      I pray for healing spiritually for each of you individually and for your marriage, my dear sister!

      When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done.”
      My Husband Wanted a Divorce
      I’m Not Sure My Husband Loves Me – How Can I Become a Godly Wife?
      A Peaceful Separated Wife
      How to Make Your Husband an Idol
      Can You Pray Too Much for Your Marriage?

      Please search my home page for these terms if any of them sound like topics you believe God desires you to read about:
      – Fear
      – Control
      – Bitterness
      – Worry
      – Insecurity
      – Security in Christ

      If God is going to heal your marriage – this is going to be the path to take to find that healing. There are no guarantees your husband will change. I can guarantee you that God will change you as you seek Him first with all your heart! 🙂 I have seen Him heal many hundreds of marriages – even when things got this bad. You are not beyond the reach of God. But this will probably take a long time. Like – many, many months or years. Become a godly woman/wife because that is what God calls you to do and to bless your husband – no matter how your husband responds. I am praying for you both!

      Much love to you!!!!! 🙂

      Like

  26. Mcolisi
    January 20, 2016 at 9:35 am #

    My brother and my Sister In-law keep on fighting even after the family elders council them to stop and when they fight they throw their 3 years old child outside or chase him, insult older people than them. Most painfully is that the wife usually starts the conflicts and she started by beating me (his brother in-law without any offense even before she got married while i had visited them) as a Sotho clan, she is not the first one to beat her in-laws, even my uncle’s wife who is a Sotho did the same.
    So, my family have decided that they must never come visit home again. We learn in the Bible that we need to honor our parents and raise our children uprightly. So, personally, i have come to a point of being too emotional, hateful, revengeful and concerned about the welfare of the child. Furthermore, i am a young single adult who is preparing to get married but i am somehow discouraged by their actions as they are poor role models to me. So, i would like to know what measures needs to be done in this instance.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      January 20, 2016 at 10:58 pm #

      Mcolisi

      It is a pleasure to meet you.

      Oh no! Your brother’s wife beats on you? I am so very heartbroken to hear how dysfunctional things are. 😦 This is so sad!

      Yes, we are to honor our parents and treat others with God’s love and with respect. There should be no violence in our relationships as believers. Here is a post about that.

      You would like to know what to do as far as – how to respond to your brother and his wife?

      Or how to prepare for a godly marriage?

      Or how to deal with the resentment and hatred you feel toward your brother’s wife?

      I am not very familiar with your culture or how respect is shown in your culture. But I can seek to point you to Scripture.

      What is your relationship with Christ, my brother? 🙂

      Like

  27. diva
    January 20, 2016 at 11:53 am #

    This was a good article, but I miss reading about what I can do as a wife to be more attentive and respectful. My husband has betrayed me and cheated on me several times and he doesn’t do anything to gain my trust or show me that I am his one and only. So I don’t think being a doormat is the solution. I might be off track, but I have noticed that men prefer women who have a lot of confidence, and act intrested, but not desperate. I think I have been too nice and boring for him. I will try to be a diva instead to see if I get what I want. He has told me many times that I am a terrible wife… I have done everything to please him and support him. I am not perfect , but neither is he, but I committed to love him perfectly.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      January 20, 2016 at 10:44 pm #

      Diva,

      Being a doormat is a destructive approach. I can’t recommend that. Being really controlling, disrespectful, and take-charge doesn’t work either. I tried that for a long time. There is this place in the middle when we are right with God and empowered by Christ where we can be assertive, feminine, kind, respectful, loving, firm, respecting ourselves, our husbands, and God – that is beautiful. That is what I long for you to find.

      If he is not willing to rebuild trust, I am very concerned about that. He hasn’t apologized or been willing to be transparent and accountable?

      Have y’all seen any counselors?

      What is your relationship with Christ, my friend? 🙂

      Much love and a BIG hug to you!

      Like

  28. Don
    March 12, 2016 at 7:45 pm #

    Hello,

    I know you can’t respond and that’s okay. I ask only that you read and pray for my family.

    We’ve been married 18 years. I was a poor, immature husband for some years and my wife suffered long through that. By the grace of God I have seen my error and repented, and she knows it. But a big career change for her has led to a big move out of state a few years back. She left with our girls to start her business while I stayed behind to wrap up the old house.

    When we reunited two years ago, things were very different. She was, and remains, cool. She has gossiped to other women in church about me (I read the texts), she is distant, spends more time with the girls (they now share a bedroom, I’m on the other side of the house), sex is rare, brief and perfunctory.

    She says she’s honoring God by serving people in her line of work, and I believe her. So I believe she’s convinced of God’s blessing on her no matter what her relationship (what’s left of it) with me is like. I think she’s realized that she no longer needs me and often wonder if she’s playing the long game in setting up a divorce that benefits her as well as possible. I admit that’s only a suspicion but I can’t figure it any other way. She has the girls; I have to wonder if she thinks she simply doesn’t need me.

    There is no evidence of another man so I don’t suspect one. But in her line of work, such could be easily arranged and hidden. I would never know.

    But there was a ray of hope yesterday when she suggested we go out alone for dinner tonight, to reconnect. Of course I agreed. At the restaurant, I deliberately sat next to instead of across from her. I playfully smiled and slid closer, and she visibly bristled. That ruined the rest of the dinner. We spoke but only about things; not about us. She did ask what was wrong; when I told her how I read her reaction, she really didn’t say anything. The ride home was in silence. When we got back to the house, I went and sat in my darkened bedroom while she changed to go get the girls. All she said the whole time was “See you later” as she headed out the door.

    I have seen the wreckage divorce makes of children and I refuse to consider it, but I’m not convinced it’s out of her mind (she denies it every time I ask). She is cool and growing colder. The girls don’t yet pick up on this but it’s only a matter of time; I have no idea how she’ll try to spin that but they’re very perceptive. But I will not break my vow. If it’s going to happen, she’ll have to do it.

    Again, I know you can’t reply and that’s okay. Just please…please…pray to God that I receive Philippian-level peace in the face of trying to love a wife who, from all indications, no longer loves or needs me as a husband but only as a co-provider and (for all it amounts to) roommate. I’ve begun to feel the command to husbands in Ephesians 5 is a horrible burden, not a privilege, but if what I’m going through really is the love exemplified by Christ for an often cold, unloving church which is His Body, as she is mine, then please pray that God let me know that, and I can endure. As it is, I am utterly lost and don’t know what to think.

    Thank you for reading this. Yours is the only blog I’ve found that doesn’t seem to automatically try to figure out what the husband did wrong, no matter what the situation. I do appreciate that, and I know I’m not alone.

    Thank you again, sincerely.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      March 12, 2016 at 9:27 pm #

      Don,

      I can reply, if you would like me to, my brother. I will certainly pray for you both. You are – unfortunately – not alone in your experience. A lot of men have found hope here in Christ – quite a few have found spiritual healing for themselves and then eventually, sometimes for their marriages, too. 🙂

      I’m glad that you tried to reach out to her – and so sorry for the pain you experienced with her reaction. I do believe there is hope for y’all in Christ! I have seen God heal hundreds of marriages around the world here. You absolutely CAN receive God’s supernatural Philippians kind of peace regardless of what she is or is not doing. Your spiritual state doesn’t depend on her – it is all about you and Christ Jesus. I can share some real life stories with you where people have and are experiencing that even if their spouse is still very distant, or even hostile.

      It breaks my heart to hear spouses hurting like this – and experiencing a bit of the pain Jesus feels with our lack of response, lack of faith, lack of trust, and lack of joy in being close to Him. Many believe we are now the church of Laodicea – whose love has grown cold toward Christ. BUT – I am seeing Him wake people up around the world. He is still at work! We can still experience His miracles – starting with His healing for ourselves.

      I’d be glad to walk beside you on this road. I don’t try to tell men what to do, and I can’t really take the place of a godly male mentor – but I may be able to point you to the hope that is in Christ and certainly hope to encourage you on your journey. I believe you will find a lot of support, prayer, love, and encouragement here.

      Like

  29. Katie
    March 28, 2016 at 7:13 am #

    The shoe actually fits the other foot too. Women become silent, etc when feeling these ways, but it’s looked at different.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      March 30, 2016 at 11:03 pm #

      Katie,

      Absolutely, women can feel disrespected and unloved, as well.

      Like

  30. stacyg1975
    April 11, 2016 at 12:11 pm #

    What is the end result when the husband fails to be respectful himself, screaming, threatening and dangling homelessness over my head as a husband who claims he is not respected? That he does these things because I am not doing more for him??

    These articles he sent me and he now feels validated that I must lead the behavior in our home with submission. I am not the leader and I cannot change our environment myself. When does the husband take responsibility for being the lead? Only when we make it easy for them to do so? As long as we can do all the work and keep our faces straight and mouthes shut? At what point does the husband put forth effort as a husband outside of “do what I tell you to?”

    He takes and takes and takes with absolutely nothing to give because I still have not given enough for him to feel like giving me anything except a hard time about what he feels that I am lacking in. So I guess just keep praying and giving until these is nothing left to give anymore? And eventually God will make my husband see the light and magically he will start giving me the respect he demands for himself?

    Maybe the husbands need to be addressed about their behaviors as well? All husbands are not perfect but these articles do a good job of reinforcing that the wife is to blame because of what she’s not doing, as if the man does not hold power over his own home and the emotional atmosphere of it. Are husbands responsible for anything? Even themselves? Or are we expected to be silent subliminal leaders?

    I am having a hard time being a punching bag and having the entire responsibility set upon me. I work full time, keep the house clean, make dinner most nights of the week, keep out house immaculate, give him sex and when he acts out like a child, I have to show him respect by jumping as high as he can possibly demand of me and when I say I’m tired or ask him to defer-it is disrespect. Really?

    Like

  31. Sharon
    April 12, 2016 at 11:11 pm #

    Or maybe they are just not always the best ones to lead in the household and the famine results from them thinking they are due extra special consideration of their views because they have penises. No. Disagreeing with a man is not disrespect. Having an independent opinion is not disrespect.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      April 13, 2016 at 8:29 am #

      Sharon,

      I completely agree with you that disagreement is not disrespect. We can be disrespectful in how we disagree. But we are free to disagree and still be respectful. Having our own opinion is not disrespect. God even invites us to ask Him questions and His authority is much higher than any human authority. There is more about that in the posts I have about biblical submission and the post Spiritual Authority and A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage.

      God did give husbands the position of leadership in marriage – beginning in Genesis with Adam. He created him first. Gave His instructions to Adam to share with Eve. He held Adam more accountable for their sin and spoke to him first after they sinned. He also explains His design for marriage in Scripture in passages like Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7, Colossians 3:18-19, I Cor. 11:3, Titus 2:3-5… where the husband is to portray the picture of Christ and His loving, humble, servant-hearted, gracious, kind leadership.

      God’s brand of “authority” is that it is to be completely humble, Jesus instructed those who wanted to be greatest in the Kingdom of God “not to lord authority over” anyone as the Gentiles do, but to be the “servant of all.” The same is true of authority in marriage. It is not to be a dominating, controlling, worldly power kind of thing. It does have much more responsibility and accountability to God. And the wife is to portray the picture of the church’s love and devotion to Christ in her admiration, respect, honor, and willingness to submit to her husband’s leadership (unless he is asking her to condone or commit sin or there are severe circumstances – please see Spiritual Authority for more detail).

      Men and women have equal value in God’s eyes (Gen. 1:27 and Gal. 3:28). In God’s economy authority and submission are not about value as a person. Jesus submitted to God the Father – and He was completely equal to God, He WAS God! But He submitted to Him in love as an equal. For more about the concept of biblical submission, please search my home page for “biblical submission” there are a number of posts about what it is and what it isn’t.

      Thanks so much for the comment!

      Like

  32. teamhott
    May 8, 2016 at 12:40 am #

    This go for wife husband also disrespectful there wife and when wife at home does everything for husband take care kids and him make sure everyone is happy.but what does husband do make her feel love and appreciate

    Like

  33. teamhott
    May 8, 2016 at 12:43 am #

    I think this bull because husband treat there wife a second though they good wife stay home take care house the pet and kids and the husband make sure everyone have what they need and more.and the wife even celebrate special days but when her special day nobody say anything or does any or appercaite her and husband just do as please walk out door everytime never tell family where you going or what doing alway be sneak and husband shouldnt have passcode on there phone and should alway be on social media either

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      May 8, 2016 at 7:00 am #

      teamhott,

      Husbands and wives can hurt each other. Both are called by God to love, honor, and respect each other. God doesn’t want anyone to be sinned against. He calls husbands to be humble, selfless, servant-hearted, loving, gentle, responsible leaders. They will stand accountable to God for every motive, thought, word, and deed regardless of what their wives did or did not do. He calls wives to be humble, gentle, peaceful, loving, respectful, responsible helpmeets. We will be accountable for our own obedience to Him and our own sin – regardless of what our husbands did or did not do. He calls all of us to die to self, to love with 1 Corinthians 13 unconditional love, to be filled with His Spirit and to respond in His power instead of the sinful flesh – that we might be overflowing with His love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, and self-control.

      We are all to treat others well. We are all to appreciate those in our family and those around us. We should all be trustworthy, transparent, honest, and full of integrity.

      I am teaching women, so I primarily talk about what God calls us to do because we only control ourselves. But men are accountable to God as much as we are, in some ways even more-so because He has given them a position of being humble servant-leaders.

      I”m so sorry you are feeling unappreciated. If you would like to talk some more about this, we can. 🙂

      Much love to you!

      April

      Like

  34. Tye
    May 15, 2016 at 7:18 pm #

    I am confused many of those saying are wat I say to my husband in defense of how he makes me feel,what ever he ask for he gets I pay all the bills and attend drug classes with him, he doesn’t want me to work but we have 8 kids and thE bills will not pay for themself, all I want is for him to be proud of me or just say babe your doing a good job instead I get I’m not strict with the kids I should punishes them more, I feel hopeless and alone , sometimes I feel I’m better off not here at all. Are up bringings are very different also my husband is a recovery addict due to the last couple of relationship with his ex girlfriends and I suffer from low self esteem, please give me some like on what I am doing wrong.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      May 15, 2016 at 8:16 pm #

      Tye,

      Goodness. That sounds like a TOUGH situation. 😦 My blog is not directed toward wives whose husbands are dealing with active addictions to drugs/alcohol (or are still in the process of recovery), who are being abusive, who have uncontrolled mental health issues, or are involved in severe unrepentant sin. Those situations are a lot more complicated and may require a different approach from a wife. I believe a wife can always seek to respect her husband that he is made in God’s image and that he is in the position of “husband” but I don’t believe it is always safe for a wife to honor her husband’s leadership when he is not in his right mind.

      Are you involved in Celebrate Recovery in your area? Do you have a personal godly counselor you can talk to who is experienced in helping spouses of addicts? Those would be the kinds of resources I believe would be most helpful for a wife in a difficult situation like this. Some of the things I write about may apply – but some things are going to be very different – and I would love for you to have all of the experienced resources you need.

      How is your relationship with Christ going?

      Much love!

      Like

  35. Scott
    June 11, 2016 at 9:04 pm #

    I have said all of these things, except I didn’t want to be married anymore. But I said it in my heart. I don’t feel loved, respected, or even cared about. I feel used, taken for granted, and constantly am trying to read the next book or my bible to get relief and comfort from something. I am tired. I don’t even want to go home from work, I would rather be mowing the lawn, or just away from my home all together.

    I am constantly told I am the source of all my families problems, have bad character, and am a bad person that needs to change. I spent the last year and half reading God’s word, changing ways I react to upsetting things, reading books about how to be the man god wants me to be, but if I make one mistake I am told see you haven’t changed at all.. Looks like you need to read your book again. I work hard, take care of my family, make sure we are at church everytime the doors are open, try to never verbalize anything negative about anyone in my family.

    But I am an outsider, a meal ticket, and am blamed anytime something happens or goes wrong. I am 40 y/o never had my own children, never will, (wanted them badly) and now the woman I need to love and respect me, want to share my life with, and be my best friend just makes me feel awful. My step-son hates me as well. I can’t talk to either one of them without getting an eye roll, loud sigh, or generally disrespectful response. What should I do? I’m praying and reading another book. Trying to meditate on God’s word.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 11, 2016 at 10:27 pm #

      Scott,

      I’m so very sorry to hear about how painful things have been. 😦

      My husband felt very disrespected by me for the first 14+ years of our marriage, too. I had no idea. He never said anything about how I was treating him or how he felt. When God opened my eyes to my control, disrespect, pride, self-righteousness, and mountain of sin – I was mortified! I thought I had been such a godly Christian wife. God helped me see that I had not been – when I read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

      So many wives in our culture, even in the church, are missing some really critical information about what our men need, how they feel, how they think, and how we can bless our husbands. We have been marinating in a very worldly culture that has contaminated our thinking in a lot of ways that most of us don’t even see. Not to mention, we each have our own sin nature, too. And sometimes we didn’t have very godly examples as we were growing up – and we think we are being loving, wonderful wives. But we don’t see our husband’s perspective or even realize there is another perspective.

      Would you like to talk a bit about what is going on? I would be glad to share anything I can that might be helpful. I don’t attempt to teach men, but sometimes I can share insights and husbands use those to “reverse engineer” things.

      How do you usually try to approach your concerns or share how you are feeling with your wife – these kinds of things you just shared with me?

      Praying for God’s healing for you both, my dear brother!

      Like

  36. Marley
    June 17, 2016 at 9:32 am #

    My husband and I have been married for 20 years. The past 5 years have been rocky and are getting much worse. I find myself crying most days. When I confront my husband about situations he gets real emotional, he crys which is something he normally doesn’t do. He tells me that I never compliment him and I’m always telling him of his wrongs. He doesn’t want to listen to me and try to fix the situation. He has been making himself distant from our family for a few years now. Instead of coming inside when he gets home from work, he will stay out in the shop until 11:00 at night. He tells me that I should walk out there and ask him to come inside. He wants me to help him work in different things in the shop instead of doing my responsibilities inside the house and he won’t help me at all with mine. He says other things like, he wants my heart and he will give me his. I have occasionally done as his asked by dropping everything for him but I have a full time job and we have 4 children who have needs. My husband is self employed and is home most days while I’m gone and when I get home he expects me to not do housework, laundry, etc. or rest and come out and help him in his shop. We constantly fight over this. I don’t know how to fix this.

    Like

    • Peacefulwife
      June 17, 2016 at 9:42 am #

      Marley,

      That sounds very painful. 😦 I wish I could give you a hug!

      Do you believe that there are any mental health issues or addictions or major unrepentant sin either of you are battling?

      Would you be interested in doing a spiritual check up with me? I believe there is healing available for you both in Christ.

      Much love to you!

      Like

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