Respect, Biblical Submission and Sexual Attraction

Married Christians CAN and SHOULD have the best sex lives on the planet.  God will show us how if we are willing to do things His way!

When God designed marriage, men, women, masculinity, femininity, romance, sex and families – He did it WISELY. And when He gives us commands about marriage, it is for our protection, good, joy and benefit in every area of our lives.

God wired men to respond to respect, admiration, faith and trust of their wives.  And He wired us to feel attracted to our husbands when we respect them, too.  It’s a win/win!  I have seen this time and time again – when the wife begins to obey God and learn to respect her husband and step down out of control, sexual intimacy often heats up.  It makes total sense!

The more feminine I am – in appearance, in attitude (gentle, respectful, trusting, admiring, cooperative, peaceful, not giving way to fear), in behavior – the more masculine my husband feels – and the greater the attraction!

**  If you have active infidelity, drug/alcohol abuse, a history of sexual abuse, uncontrolled mental conditions, physical abuse in your marriage – please find a godly, experienced Christian counselor/pastor ASAP and get help!

 

It can take TIME, like months or even a year or longer for marriages to heal sometimes.  The timing and the results are in God’s hands.  It is our job to obey Him. (Please check out Patricia’s comments in the comment section, too, for more clarification about how to approach this issue with patience, understanding and without pressuring our husbands!)

WHAT OTHER WIVES ARE EXPERIENCING

Wife 1:

I had realized that I was still trying to control that aspect of things and realized that I was literally tensing up. Once I mentally and physically relaxed, it was quite a difference for the better.  Things have never lacked in that dept, but I did find that I wasn’t as excited as I used to be in the earlier years, but my attitude has gone a long way to change that and make it “new” again. 

Wife 2:

Since being married, I have always viewed sex as an inconvenience.   Like something I HAD to do, but if it was up to me I could go my whole life without it. I enjoy it once it gets going, but the getting started is just too much trouble and I’m usually too tired at the end of the day. And a lot of the time it would actually get on my nerves!!
WELL, I have been following your advice about submission and respect strictly for the past 4 weeks and in the last week the change in my husband is huge!!

He’s sweet, tender, affectionate and considerate of my feelings!! I have also noticed that I…..get in the mood easier/faster and enjoy it more. And where usually once I have done my “duty” (that’s how I used to look at it) I would look forward to not being bothered about it for a few days. I actually catch myself thinking about having sex with my husband during the day, and for the first time since we’ve been married– we had sex 2 nights in a row.

This has been an amazing week!! I had get to where I will still submit and respect him even if he never changes. And I do it out of obedience to God, not to change him. It’s like the moment I decided that, the atmosphere in our home and marriage changed. I don’t feel like I’m doing much different, but I think it’s my countenance behind my actions that is different. Does that make sense?  It’s an amazing revelation once it sinks in. And it’s very powerful too!!

I have such a peace and feel great!!

Wife 3:

Our marriage was strained before God changed my heart; there was a lot of unspoken struggles going on between us. There was an obvious tension in the air.

Realizing and accepting God’s plan for my role in our marriage was like the missing piece to the puzzle. I struggled for a while, since submission definitely does not come naturally, but once I trusted God and let go, it was as if I was free. Free of the weight of the burden I had been trying to carry, and free to love my husband in the way God intended.

When I stepped into my role in our marriage, my husband gladly stepped forward into the leader position of our family. He was able to look at me as an equal partner rather than his competition. He became the man of the house in every sense of the word. He now pursues me like he did when we were dating. He is tender and loving toward me now that he no longer feels that his manhood is being threatened. His confidence is much higher because he knows that I support him 100%. I have always had a strong sexual desire for my husband, but in the beginning of our marriage, I would often find myself feeling emotionally unfulfilled after sex. I believe allowing God to fulfill my emotional needs and aligning my marriage plan with His has changed that completely.

The book Love & Respect talks a lot about the cycle of how once a man’s desire to be respected is filled, he will desire to show love toward his wife. This translates well into the bedroom! A submissive, respecting & loving wife is very feminine and sexy to a man. And a man who is confident and knows his wife loves him (remember: to a man, respect equals love!) is eager to please her in every way.

I won’t beat around the bush – our sex life is red hot!!! My husband knows I have his full confidence, so there is a deep trust which allows us to intimately connect inside the bedroom & out. And as I said, he pursues me on a daily basis – he can hardly walk by without touching me, and I love it! I can tell you it has less to do with my outward appearance (like most moms, I look different now that I have had children!) but more to do with the change that has taken place in my heart. (See 1 Peter 3:3-4) He feels safe with me, and I feel safe with him; so I feel free to be uninhibited during sex, which makes it more enjoyable for both of us.

 

Wife 4:

We usually don’t go for a long time without sex- even before I followed God’s guidelines to Biblical submission.I admit, though, that for me there were times when I think, ok when are we done with this? NOW, however, it is just amazing- for me and for him. We went away for our anniversary recently so we were alone, no children, romantic setting, no time constraints… and I can’t go into details because this isn’t THAT kind of blog- but it was WOW for both of us.  The only thing that is preventing us from repeating that experience more often is our children and him starting work at 4am and me working until 6pm and both being tired at the end of the day. So we wait (not so patiently) for the weekend.

I asked my husband what he wants for Valentine’s Day (thinking tangible present wise) and he simply said, a repeat of that amazing bedroom time during our little getaway.

Wife 5:

I am very new to this, as you know :)) but in the past I have found sadly to my hurt that my husband has been the most attracted to me sexually when I have been unwell or hurting from something and he has to hold me or comfort me with words. It struck me this week, the reason that has been happening is because it was the only time I showed my vulnerability and needed his strength … The only really sad thing is it was times like these I was closest to my children and we also loved in a new level during those times, I was dependent on someone else to take care of things coz I couldn’t. I was soft and grateful and and gentle.
How amazing it will be as this transforming of my mind and our roles happen that he will get to see that real me without the need for illness or personal hurt :). We are only one week into this and my husband can’t keep his hands from touching my shoulder, arm, holding me when I am standing at the counter top, waking me every morning with ” Hello, beautiful wife of mine!”

Maybe because I am in that quiet phase and he’s not fighting to be heard.
I never realised how much I have missed as to how my children and husband look, when you look into their eyes and listen, they really have beautiful faces.
Obeying God works , even if it means dying to some old junk.

Wife 6:

Before I learned about being a godly wife and what all of that meant, I was controlling in every area of our marriage – including  physical intimacy.  I was always the aggressor – the initiator.  And I initiated daily many times – trying to keep my husband from other temptations and trying to connect with him sexually since I felt so disconnected emotionally and spiritually.  I tried to take on the responsibility of keeping his thought life pure and thought if we had sex daily, it would help him feel fulfilled and he wouldn’t be as tempted to look elsewhere.  That was a HEAVY weight.  I also measured the quality of our marriage by our frequency of intimacy.  And I was rejected multiple times per week for many years – not with words, but just by his lack of interest and lack of response.  The pain from that was excruciating.  I cried and fell into despair many times over this issue.   And that made me want to prove to myself even more that my husband really did desire me.  So I would pursue him even more intently, and he continued to reject me about 3/4 of the time or so.  I never rejected him.  And he never initiated.  (Of course, I didn’t give him much of a chance!)

I actually had a hard time sleeping many nights because I constantly was trying to be “ready” in case he might accept me – and then there was the HUGE let down when he didn’t want me again and it would take a long time to go to sleep and calm down when I felt so rejected and defeated so much.

It was not until after I learned about giving up my controlling behavior and disrespect that I realized that he needed to be the one who pursued me, I had things backwards.  My disrespect and my sexual aggression were a complete turn off to him .  I had no idea how men worked!

It was SO HARD, but I started waiting and waiting and waiting for him to initiate.  I think it took about 6 weeks at first.  It took me a lot longer to “warm up” to his advances by that time because I wasn’t “simmering” all the time like I used to – I had finally figured out how to turn myself off – and it was a relief.  But it was WONDERFUL to see my husband finally desire me and pursue me.  I never thought I would experience that again!

Sometimes, these days, my husband hugs me for no reason.  He touches me when he goes by sometimes.  He listens to my feelings intently.  He cares what I think and want.  He stops everything to give me his full attention now, if I ask for it.  He winks at me again.  Occasionally, he will literally pick me up and sweep me off my feet and carry me to our room.  SERIOUSLY.   I thank God EVERY DAY for what He has done in our marriage!

THAT NEVER, EVER USED TO HAPPEN!

After another month or two, he asked me if I  would initiate again sometimes and told me he missed me doing that.  WOW!  Now, he initiates often, and I do sometimes, too.  But I don’t smother him and I also know that if he is too tired one night, it does not mean he doesn’t want me and doesn’t desire me and doesn’t love me.  And I am able to be unshaken even in the face of what used to feel like rejection.  Now, I am confident in Christ’s love for me, and in my husband’s love for me.

I am uninhibited.  I am able to talk and tell him what I like – I was NEVER that vulnerable before!  I ask him to talk to me – and he does!  We have such an incredible sexual connection, emotional connection and spiritual connection – it is the marriage I always thought we would have.  It’s not perfect.  But I am utterly content and completely sexually fulfilled, satisfied, joyful and grateful for the privilege of being married to my amazing man – God’s gift to me.  I feel more sexy, feminine, powerful, peaceful, joyful, alive and full of purpose than I ever have in my life.  I LOVE being a woman now – I embrace and cherish the gift of God’s plan for femininity.  How I wish I had understood all of this YEARS ago!  You could not pay me any amount of money to go back to my old ways!  I’m the happiest girl on the planet!

Wife 7:

I just wanted to share something with you, that as a Christian woman, I did NOT expect to happen in my marriage.

The last few months really, this idea of submission and respect have been eating away at me. Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs, and more often than not the “downs” were directly caused by my disrespectful (or worse) actions and attitudes. See, I am what you call a “difficult” women. I am high strung, independent, strong willed, domineering, and a bit of a smart mouth know-it-all. I am well educated and considered very intelligent, which has been a source of pride in my life. I married a very kind, laid back, gentle man, who sadly has allowed me to walk all over him. To make a long story short, I ran him over in our relationship. Not physically of course, but relationally and emotionally. I pushed him around, argumentatively. He never stood up to me, for himself, and I think in a way, deep down inside, I really wished he had. Who can respect or admire a spineless pushover? I am a strong women, but I have come to realize that I crave a strong man who can keep me in line. I despised myself for acting that way, and him for putting up with it.

After praying about it and thinking about it for a few days, I approached him, and I think gave him quite a shock! I apologized for the strife that my disrespect and domination have caused in our marriage, and our home. Then I told him, I really need for him to be in charge. I needed him to “wear the pants”, and as needed to put me in line. Several weeks ago I had handed over the control of the finances to him, and it really worked out well… I am free to offer polite suggestions, or ask questions respectfully, but he has the final say, and that is that, end of discussion.

What that means in our daily life, is if he wants me to wear a particular thing, I do. If he wants my long hair to be down, it’s down.  He expects me to answer him if he asks for my opinion on something. I have given him complete control, and in return, he puts my needs first. Not always my wants, but my needs. I don’t always have to like it, but I have to obey it. Sometimes that means he wants me to take a nap, because he knows I was up with the baby during the night. Sometimes that means he wants me to be showered and dolled up when he gets home from work. I can’t tell you the butterflies I had in my stomach all day, when he casually told me that, before he left for work! Sometimes that means he wants to hold my hand and watch a movie with me. He arranged to take our oldest 3 kids to a birthday party this Saturday, and he told me he would like me to have some “me time” just me and the baby.

Here is the unexpected part.

I didn’t expect to feel so free. I didn’t expect to feel so weightless. I didn’t expect to feel so secure and happy. I didn’t lose myself, I feel like I have FINALLY found myself!

To have him firmly take charge of the family, including and especially of me, has given me the most delicious peace I have ever felt. And, most surprising of all, I didn’t expect it all to be so wildly erotic! I am not kidding! It’s crazy, but I wish the “older women” who are supposed to be teaching the “younger women” would have mentioned that somewhere along the line!

It makes sense in a primal sort of way, God made the males of nearly every type of animal to be the strong defender and protector, to take charge and dominate. When we are not emasculating them with our attitudes and castrating them with our words, when we submit ourselves to their control, it is intensely pleasurable, for both parties.

Now that my husband knows he has 100% control of me, and our family, he has become a new man. He stands taller. His confidence has shot up. He is more…..ruggedly masculine. He is sexier! He is flexing his power, and finding that it’s good, for both of us! He is more relaxed, and so am I. When I think back to how our love life changed, when I was constantly putting him down, demanding, rude…..it totally killed both my libido, and his. No wonder! Somewhere along the line I think that a lot of Christian men (and women) got the idea that “good guys” are wimps. Nothing is further from the truth. In my mind, there is no true goodness without strength. And nothing makes me go weak in the knees like MY man, secure in his God-given strength, in his proper place as MAN of our house! Talk about make a girl swoon! Lol.
So, I had no idea, but there is nothing sexier than my man, taking control of our family, and of me, for my own good! Long before trashy novels and dime store romances, God knew that what a women truly wanted and needed was a strong man, stronger than her, strong enough to not be pushed around by her, strong but GOOD. I gladly entrust myself to such a man.

Instead of “I am woman, hear me roar!”,”I am woman, hear me purr!”

It’s the craziest thing, but I feel more complete, more feminine, more ME than I ever did when I was fighting him for control all the time. I look back now and wonder if I was so busy fighting for crumbs, that I missed the feast God had for me all along.

So, maybe you have addressed this in your blog, I don’t know. But I think somebody should put it out there, lol.

Submission, it’s better than Viagra!  *blush*

Wife 8:

Wowsa!!

Thanks so much for your most recent posts about our attitude toward sex in our marriages! (Post 1, Post 2, Post 3)  What a difference they have made for me ~ and in just a few days!!! My hubby and I have been married for nearly 9 years, and we went through a “Marriage for Life” class through our past church while we were newly-weds … so we immediately were taught the differences between men and women, our differing roles and how blessed these differences are. I immediately understood his need for the physical, and he immediately understood my need for the emotional … and as we’ve grown in our faith and spent more and more time in the Word, we’ve learned so much about not depriving one another. So, out of love for my husband, even if I didn’t necessarily ‘feel like it’, there were times I would ‘submit to his needs’. Ugh, just saying that sounds so … well, sterile I guess. LOL.

But, I thought I was loving him and being submissive to his needs in this, but I know he could tell when I really wasn’t ‘into’ it, and him being a most unselfish husband I know that his desire is to please me and how hurtful it must have been for him in those moments that I was merely fulfilling my ‘wifely duty’ ~ double ugh … since reading your posts and learning more about how respecting my husband really looks, I am understanding that my desire for him is directly linked to my respect and ADMIRATION of him.

So, in the last couple of weeks I’ve committed to dolling up for him (almost daily now), giving him a kiss when he walks in the door from work and being available to him, and I hug him longer and tighter, and walk over and give him a random kiss for no reason. And for the past few days, I have been receptive to his advances without inhibition and with gladness and joy (even some playful initiation) … and I’ve noticed that just being more available to him has created a refreshed desire for him in me and I find myself anticipating our next encounter … WOW ~ submission really is better than Viagra!