Doormats Don’t Glorify God Either
MY SLANT
Since I am a recovering control-freak/dominating wife – I tend to write from that angle. It’s what I know. It’s hard for me to imagine NOT knowing what I think instantly and NOT knowing how I feel. And I want EVERY other control-freak/dominating wife to get to experience the joy, peace, freedom and abundant life that comes with surrendering control to Christ and to our husbands, and being willing to obey God’s design for marriage.
But I am well aware that there are many women who are struggling from the OPPOSITE direction in their marriages, and I want all of them to experience the joy, peace, freedom and abundant life in Christ and in marriage from God’s design, too!
GODLY FEMININITY IS FOR STRONG, VIBRANT WOMEN WHO KNOW WHO THEY ARE!
Marriage is not representing the very great mystery between Christ and His church if the wife (representing the church) is passive, unconscious, uninvolved, full of self-doubt, full of fear, unable to express her feelings or unsure of her own strength and identity in Christ! God wants His people to have feelings, to be 3-dimensional, to share their feelings and struggles with Him. He longs for us to ask Him for things. He wants a two way, intimate relationship. He doesn’t always give us what we ask for – sometimes He has something much better in store. But He didn’t design us to be robots or machines in our relationship with Him or in our relationship with our husbands.
It is true that being bossy, condescending, controlling, scolding, critical, negative, nagging, argumentative, contentious, etc… as a wife is extremely dishonoring to God. But having NO thoughts, NO opinions, NO dreams, NO feelings, NO input, NO personality, NO contributions to the marriage and family as a wife – well, that doesn’t honor God either! To label being a slave or doormat as being a “submissive wife” will also repel many people from the gospel of Christ! A wife MUST be her own full, strong, vibrant person in order to properly complete and complement her man! There may be specific situations where we keep our thoughts to ourselves and allow our husbands to make decisions on his own – we must be sensitive to God’s Spirit, of course. But most of the time, our input is extremely valuable in our marriages – it is our motivations, and our respect for God and our husbands that are the key.
They are the kind (refering to the 4 preceding sentences describing some very sinful men in the last days) who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. II Timothy 3:6-7
If we are weak-willed – we are targets for ungodly men to come in and take control and lead us away from Christ. We MUST know the Word of God. We MUST not be slaves to addictions that would destroy our bodies (body image issues, seeking the approval of others, food addictions, drug/alcohol addictions). We MUST know who we are in Christ. We MUST be women of great strength whose minds and hearts are full of the truth of God’s Word – the law of kindness and wisdom is to be on our tongues (Prov 31).
Once we are filled up with God and know who we are in Christ, THEN we can properly teach our children! We must experience God and grow in Him first – then we can impart strength and dignity to our daughters and teach our sons what kind of godly wives to look for because we are living out a godly example for our children.
It is only by God’s Spirit working in any of us that we can be godly wives and mothers. But He is able to break through every stronghold of Satan, every lie we believe, every shackle in our soul and bring us into His glorious freedom, joy, peace and purposes!
WHY BEING A DOORMAT HURTS YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR HUSBAND’S GODLY LEADERSHIP
Being a doormat/2-dimensional wife robs your husband of your unique and very important feminine perspective. Your feelings, desires, opinions, goals and thoughts are critical for him to weigh when he is making decisions. Without your full involvement, your husband is much more likely to make lopsided, selfish, tyrannical decisions without even knowing it. He NEEDS your feedback. Your children NEED your involvement in decisions so that there is a well-rounded discussion and more than one perspective is examined.
Your emotions are supposed to be a barometer by which your husband measures his success as a husband and father many times. Your presence provides important checks and balances in the marriage. Your joy and delight reward him when he does well. Your pain hurts him when he makes mistakes. Your emotions teach him to care more about your best interests than his own! How can he know how he is doing if you are lifeless and have no feedback or response? He will be walking blindly. He needs your admiration, respect and praise when he gets things right to know that he is honoring God and walking the right way. He needs your grace, mercy, acceptance and poise when he fails. Then he can become a better man!
WHY BEING A DOORMAT WIFE HURTS CHILDREN IN THE FAMILY
There must be two complete people in a marriage or your children will not appreciate, experience and understand the purpose, power and glory of femininity. They won’t experience the strength of a wife who knows her mind and how to respectfully and gently speak to her husband in a way that empowers his leadership and helps him soar to greater heights. They will not have tools for handling conflict and disagreements if their Mama models being inactive, unplugged, weak and emotionally and spiritually not present in the marriage and the home. They will have GAPING holes in their understanding of marriage, of God, of His sovereignty, of masculinity and femininity, of conflict resolution, of parenting… Your children will be robbed of so many blessings if you do not know who you are, how precious you are, how loved you are by God. How can you teach them His love, His wisdom and love them as yourself when you don’t know yourself or love yourself? THIS IS A CRITICAL ISSUE! Your children need you to find out who you are, Whose you are and where your power is as a woman!
BALANCE IS THE KEY
So, it is extremely possible for us as wives to overshoot and take over and be disrespectful OR to overshoot the other way and become lifeless and give up your precious and powerful godly influence as wives completely in our marriages and our families. There must be a critical balance where we share our thoughts, hopes, dreams, desires, feelings, ideas and perspective respectfully and we don’t take over the marriage. And we respond graciously when our husband makes a decision that we do not agree with. This is NOT easy! It takes the full power of the Holy Spirit to accomplish this balance!
I know that for months, when I was first learning respect and biblical submission, I would just clam up and be completely afraid to say anything. I overshot way too far toward the doormat side of things because I didn’t want to be disrespectful. It took months of overshooting one way, then the other, then back and forth until I found the beautiful balance that honors God.
IF YOU TEND TOWARD BEING QUIET AND GIVING UP YOUR INFLUENCE IN YOUR MARRIAGE:
You will need to practice some new skills! I would recommend focusing on things like:
- taking your time to really think through your thoughts and ideas. You may need to journal these or have a close, godly woman mentor who can help you work through your scary new feelings and communication style.
- you may feel like you can’t change the subject in conversations or that you are interrupting too much – but you are probably on the right path if you have been way too quiet for a long time! It will feel awkward and foreign as you learn to stand tall, speak up, know your mind, know your heart and listen to the voice of God!
- focus on what your feelings are. They are often gifts from God. Sometimes your feelings will be wrong when you are tired or hormonal. That’s ok. Identify your feelings each day. Maybe write them down. Tell your husband your feelings. Tell your children your feelings. Notice when you are feeling angry. Anger is a gift from God! It tells us that our boundaries are being violated. Tell your husband when you are sad. He needs to know that you are sad so that he can see if he needs to correct something in the relationship, or to help you identify a problem in your heart. Or just so he can know it is PMS week and that you need some extra grace and slack. It’s ok to voice your feelings and needs. You may have to give yourself a lot of forgiveness. You may not say your feelings and needs perfectly. That’s ok. I pray you and your husband can give each other a lot of grace as you learn this new dynamic! I believe your husband, even though he may resist you at first, will later be very glad that you learned to speak your mind and offer your opinion and feelings. YOU ARE IMPORTANT! YOUR FEELINGS MATTER! The family cannot thrive without your input! Your children are counting on you to use your influence and strength to empower your husband and them toward godliness!
- Be willing to express your entire range of feelings to your husband as you learn to feel them. But express them respectfully and simply without blaming him. I like how Laura Doyle “The Surrendered Wife” describes expressing feelings. Simply say things like, “I feel sad.” “I feel happy.” “I am so full of joy.” “I love being with you.” “I’m glad I’m your wife.” “I feel scared.” “I feel angry.” “I feel upset.” “I feel lonely.” “I miss you.” “That hurt my feelings SO much!” “Ouch!”
- Laura Doyle also talks about expressing desires in a pure form without blame. “I want to do X” “I want to go to the beach.” “I want to cuddle with you tonight.” “I want to go to that concert this weekend.” “I want to dance with you.” “I want you to listen to me for a few minutes, then I will feel better.”
- Tell your man what you need. “I need help.” “Would you please do X?” Smile. Thank him when he helps you. Your power is in your radiant smile, your admiration, your encouragement, your respect, your faith and trust in him. Use these gifts of godly femininity God has given you so generously when you need to ask for help.
- Say, “I can’t” when something is too much for you. If it will rob you of your sanity, or too much sleep, or will leave you depleted with nothing else to give to God, your husband or children – It’s ok to say, “I can’t” and DO NOT EXPLAIN WHY YOU CAN’T!!!!! If you explain, people will give you reasons why you can still do something.
- focus on finding out your identity in Christ in God’s Word.
- sort through the lies you believe about yourself, your small view of God, your lack of understanding about His sovereignty.
- work through any abuse, molestation or emotional/sexual/spiritual injuries from your past to find healing through Christ. You may need a godly mentor to help you expose the issues and walk through them into God’s light.
- memorize God’s promises in Scripture.
- sing lots of praise songs to Jesus!
- ask for extra time to think and work through your feelings and thoughts if there starts to be tension in a relationship. Say you need some time to think and pray before you respond. That’s ok! You can ask for time! You may need to write things down to get a handle on what you feel and why. You’ll get better with practice!!!
I would LOVE to hear from wives who have found themselves, discovered their own feelings, identity and personalities. What was the turning point for you? How did you learn to know your own mind and heart? How did you learn to speak up for yourself respectfully? How did your husband change? How dominant was he? How long did the transformation take? What advice do you have for other wives on a similar journey of self-discovery? What was the hardest part? What did your husband think at first? How does he feel about things now?
Lord,
I pray You will help us find the godly balance that is Your design for a wife of noble character. Let us bring great glory to You in our marriages, our families and in our walk with You!
Amen.
The Peaceful Wife 
HI There, I did enjoy your post very much. I found it because you liked one of mine. Thank you so much for visiting and for your support. In fact that blog wasn’t suppose to be published yet as I hadn’t finished editing it yet. I hope you enjoy some of my other stories as we have very similar perspectives about being Godly women. I was the opposite of a doormat, I was emotionally manipulative towards men, controlling, disrespectful and selfish. I did not love myself and had no idea how to love someone else. That was until I learned of God’s design and version of love. I don’t have time to tell you how many things changed in my relationships since then except to say that I was empty and miserable looking high and low for something to fill the void inside. Now I am happy and in love and have been for 12 years. I love loving him and he loves loving me and trust me I am no doormat!! ;o) I am glad to have found some Godly balance. Amen!
http://innerangelsandenemies.wordpress.com/
Can I just ask how you came to find my blog? I am new to this. God Bless you xx
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The Water Bearer,
I found your post on the WordPress blog page.
It sounds like you and I have had a similar journey! I can’t wait to learn more about all that God has done in your life and marriage! I’m SO thankful we serve such a mighty and miracle-working God!
May God richly bless your ministry, marriage, family and walk with Christ!
Thank you for the encouragement!
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Well that was a great read!
The ‘help meet’ is a partner to her husband. As such, her “unique” contributions are essential to the success of her marriage and home. And a spiritually healthy husband believes this.
The Pure Bed
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Amen!!!
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I…LOVE this. “To label being a slave or doormat as being a ”submissive wife” will also repel many people from the gospel of Christ!” It is such a misconception that many people have that submission = being a doormat; I find that it not only turns away unbelievers, but it also turns away believers. I’m reading Cindy Easley’s book Dancing With the One You Love right now and this quote sums it up well: “Submission is not a reluctance to speak but rather a respectful attitude when you speak.”
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I love that book, too! Such a beautiful picture of marriage! Thanks for the kind remarks!
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My husband has been telling me he is not going to be my door mat anymore! This got me furious when he said this. Wow your blogs are like all me. Like I said before I sound alot like you. I am very controlling and crazy And it seems so hard to break out of that control its like I feel like I just need to control at all times. Ok Ok enough said I will keep on reading!
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Hi April!!
Thanks to The Lord I found you.
I have been reading your newsletters and they have helped me a lot.
When me and my husban were dating I used to be controlling, scolding, nagging. Because I was blind and away from The Lord. But then when we married, I got the wrong meaning of being a summit wife and was becoming a doormat. I felt so bad! Lonely and unloved. Your article helped me very much with this.
Thks! God bless you! Lov u.
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Bety,
Much love to you, my precious sister!!!!!
I am so glad God is healing your heart. You are always welcome to contact me. 🙂 aprilc@sc.rr.com
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Thanks for this post! I am newly married and have been struggling with balance. How to submit without losing myself and my voice. You give very practical, biblical and inspiring direction. Thanks 😊
Bonnie
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Bonnie,
I am so glad this blessed you. It is wonderful to meet you! Please let me know how you are doing and what God does in your life. 🙂
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Some other posts that may be helpful:
Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin
Biblical Submission Does Not = The Husband Is Always Right
It Is Possible to Be TOO Submissive
Does Being a Biblically Submissive Wife Mean I Can’t Share How I Feel and What I Need?
Do You Have to Lose Yourself or Be Fake to Be a Submissive Wife?
And you can search my Youtube channel, April Cassidy, for “How to Ask Our Husband for Things Respectfully.”
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I haven’t found myself and don’t expect to or want to. Voicing any negative emotion in my home provokes my husband’s anger. Voicing any emotion that is too positive causes him to feel the need to “bring me back down to earth,” ie to tell me why whatever I’m hopeful or enthusiastic about is impossible and I shouldn’t “get my hopes up.”
There is only happiness in our home when I obey cheerfully, without disagreement or protest. Respectful disagreement provokes him to do everything in his power (insults, profanity, ad hominem attacks, and mockery being favorites) to push me into anger.
He says he doesn’t want a doormat. However, the only thing that I can do without causing a fight is be a doormat and try to look and act as if I am giving my opinion (in other words, anticipate his wishes without soliciting input and speak them as if they were my own).
I understand where it comes from. He was raised by a passive-aggressive mother and a verbally and emotionally abusive father. Those are his models of how a man and woman act.
After seven years of fighting, I tried very hard to be an unresisting doormat for seven years. He grew to hate me and hold me in contempt, and I had a complete nervous breakdown. Now I am trying very hard to respectfully speak my opinions and respectfully disagree when I must.
And we are still miserable. I find myself longing for the relative peace of being a doormat. I know that, if I took enough tranquilizers, I could be a doormat without resentment. Because I have been diagnosed with multiple anxiety disorders, I can get them easily.
Please help me. I find myself asking God to please allow me to die in my sleep with far too many of my nightly prayers.
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Tracie,
Oh no! This sounds awful, my dear sister!! 😦
Please, please seek godly, experienced, one-on-one counsel for yourself. Would he be willing to go with you?
I am a pharmacist, but I don’t want to see anyone drugging themselves just to be able to suppress her personhood. 😦 does your husband know how depressed you are and that you pray to die?
How is your walk with Christ going?
I am praying for you both – for great healing from God!
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I tried medicating myself into silence once. When I started coming completely unravelled, the therapist and psychiatrist I saw put me on a really heavy dose of antipsychotics. They said the drugs would help me be silent and smile all the time. They said my personality was diseased, and when it was all erased they would help me create the right kind of personality.
I did that for months and ultimately attempted suicide. God got in the way (literally let the air out of my tires) so I ended up in the hospital instead. They said I never should have been medicated like that. They put me on two antidepressants, one they wanted me to take for about 3 months and Prozac which they wanted me to take for about eighteen months.
They also put me in intensive counseling. I felt better, but it was Self-Esteem Day Camp. It was fuzzy fluffy garbage that does not hold water once I am out in the world and having to interact with other peoples’ pathologies. I know in God’s Kingdom, none of us will have pathologies any more, but down here on Earth we do. Down here on Earth, respect means you cater to other people’s pathologies and try to walk wide of them (avoid triggering them), and at the same time you work really hard to stuff your own pathologies in a box some where so no one has to be bothered with catering to yours.
Self-esteem I know is one of Satan’s ideas. If you are a good person and live right, then you will like yourself. If you are not a good person, you will not like yourself. The liking yourself must come from outside reinforcement (family, church, Bible, God) because you are living right, not before it. Liking yourself when you are not good makes you do bad things.
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Tracie,
What a nightmare! 😦
I’m so thankful that God intervened and you did not take your life! Praise God for that!
I’m not sure that your definition of respect is really biblical. Avoiding triggering people’s pathologies could equate to ignoring/condoning people’s sin, could it not?
Have you received godly, biblical counseling, my dear sister?
How is your walk with Christ going now?
Here is a post about finding our security in Christ that I pray might bless you.
And here is a post, “My Identity in Christ,” that might also be helpful.
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No clue where to get biblical counseling. My current therapist considers herself Christian, but she seems kinda feministic and New Agey to me. I guess though that she would if indeed I did have a twisted perception of what it means to be Godly.
I know a few pastors and reverends, but I don’t go to church. I am very awkward and shy and not exactly mannish but kind of tomboyish. It tends to make women very uncomfortable. If I’m not going to be able to fellowship, it’s better that I not disrupt their fellowship. I can hear services on the radio and read the Bible and spend time in prayer at home or out in the woods with the kids.
As far as a walk with Jesus goes, He has been so good to me!!! So good. I don’t know how to describe. He is always there, always willing to give me shelter and the strength to get up and try again. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit never seem to give up on me. Even when I give up on myself, or demand to know why, or cry out in hurt and anger, or decide that my literal belief in a literally real and present God who actually speaks with me must mean I’m schizophrenic on top of everything else and try to quit believing.
I just keep sinning, and He just keeps coming back. I’m not bearing Him much fruit, considering that we’ve been on this walk for the better part of 20 years. The ONLY good fruit I’ve borne is four kids who by His grace seem to be happy and healthy and not scarred by any of this. I have to give ALL the credit for that to God, because it seems a miracle on par with healing lepers and commanding the lame to walk.
If I were growing an orchard and I had a tree like me, I’d cut it down.
Problem is I’m not even sure what’s Godly behavior and what’s sin any more. My therapist says I have PTSD from the above mentioned nightmare. I haven’t wanted to believe that, because PTSD is something you get from being in a war or getting violently raped. I have been reading up on it though, and have realized that I show ninety percent of the symptoms over half the time.
I am horribly confused right now. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me. I’m not suicidal, I’m safe, they kids are safe. I will read and formulate questions and come back.
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Tracie,
Focus on the Family has a counseling service – I believe they will do a one time counseling for free and then they refer people to Christian counselors.
I love your description of your faith in Christ. That is beautiful! God can and does speak to people. Don’t worry about that, my dear sister!
He can empower you to bear much fruit as you allow Him to have control in your life. 🙂 And as you allow Him to change you to make you more like Jesus.
I do think that you may need some godly counseling to help you with all that you have been through and with what you are continuing to go through with your husband. And yes, that situation CAN bring about PTSD. Absolutely.
Please try reaching out to Focus on the Family and see what they might be able to do for you. Another possible resource may be The Salvation Army.
Much love to you! I am praying for you!
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Wonderful read! Many women are controlling but my experience is
seeing a lot more of the controlling and domineering men. Slave drivers.
These men are insecure, fearful, cowards, bullies and a false representation of Christ.
I myself had been very meek and gentle and it was taken advantage of.
I remain feminine and gentle, but-
I struggled with bitterness and The Lord
helped me to not only forgive, but really opened my eyes up to see and understand his beautiful plan of submission and headship.
It’s beautiful.
The world knows nothing of it, but knows the counterfeit-a distorted, misconstrued submission, aka doormat.
They simply don’t understand.
A spiritually healthy man can see the true picture of who his wife is, as his helpmeet; he welcomes, greatly values and encourages the input and wisdom of his wife.
He knows this is a major part of who she is to him, who God created her to be.
The master slave complex that many men have toward their wife is not of God.
A man who truly knows God, and is fully submitted to God, will be able to see his wife how God sees her. He will be shown by God how to truly love, value and appreciate his wife.
How a man treats his wife is directly related to his spiritual maturity. And again it’s a heart issue.
It’s so good for you to show both sides as you have done. You address the controlling disrespectful woman and also the timid lady who becomes a doormat, and is not glorifying God any more than the bossy controlling woman.
Thank you so much!
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T,
I am on the exact same page with you. You explained this beautifully. So thankful for the healing of God in your life! I agree with your description of God’s design and how a godly husband will respond to his wife. Yes, how he treats his wife is a heart issue, just like how a wife treats her husband is a heart issue.
I want women on both extremes to find healing in Christ! 🙂
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