Here are some tools wives can learn to apply to prevent conflict and during conflict that can help keep from escalating into a verbal attack on their husbands.

I included some detailed examples and explanations because that is what I DESPERATELY needed when I was new to all of this stuff and just learning.  If it seems too overwhelming, just read a little bit each day and mull over each section over slowly.  I am not saying you must do exactly what I do or that I have all the answers for every situation.  But this may give you some possible godly examples, a sense of a general direction, a peek into a new way of thinking and living, and some ideas to think and pray about and even to discuss with your wonderful hubby!

 (If you are new to my blog, you may want to read the whole post.  If you have been reading for more than a few weeks, you may want to skip down to the second green subtitle.)

First – some general principles for handling emotions, desires and communication on a daily basis that helps to prevent major blow ups:

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MY HUSBAND HEAR AND CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS?

1. The more generally respected my husband feels, and the more he sees that I am on his side, that I am a willing spirit who wants to follow his leadership and that I support him and see the best in him  – the more he will be open and tuned in to care about my feelings.  Please note – HE HAS TO SEE THIS RESPECTFUL/COOPERATIVE ATTITUDE OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME  (many months or years – not hours or days) TO REALLY BELIEVE IT IS PERMANENT AND THAT I AM TRUSTWORTHY AND SAFE!  

For us, that meant a number of months had to go by before he could believe that this really was the new me.  Maybe 8-12 months before he began to really relax.  Some things immediately began to improve, but he had to stand back and watch for a long time before really feeling like he could open up his heart to me and trust me to respect him and allow him to lead.  He had to make sure it wasn’t some short-lived fad.  That’s fine!  We had 15+ years of marriage behind us with a history of me being disrespectful and taking over and trying to control.

We wives MUST be willing to commit to this long term, understanding it may take many months or years (depending on the level of disrespect and injury formerly in the marriage) for a husband to heal and trust enough to open his heart and believe that he is safe and won’t be attacked.  There are some husbands that are so wounded that they never open their hearts again (thankfully this is pretty rare).  But a wife can obey God’s Word to respect her husband and follow his leadership and know that she is honoring God and will be rewarded by Him no matter what her husband’s response or lack of response.  It is STILL worth it!  And this is the ONLY chance we really have to achieve true emotional and spiritual intimacy with our husbands.  So we might as well do what could actually work instead of just continuing to add to the damage and pain!

Before I learned about respect and submission, my husband kept a wall up around his heart to protect himself from me and my negative emotions.  He felt disrespected and he stone walled into his own little shell – I couldn’t get in no matter what I did.  I thought that increasing the volume or the emotional intensity would help him understand how upset I was, how much pain I was in, and that I NEEDED his love and if he could just understand how deep my pain was, he’d help me.  He couldn’t get past my disrespectful behavior to be able to see my needs.  I was stomping all over his needs and demanding that he meet my needs.  That was unfair to him!  And I sure didn’t get what I needed.  We BOTH lost.

2. Keeping my words to a minimum (like just 5% or so of what I am thinking, or just 5-10 minutes of emotional dialogue) REALLY helps him hear me!  If he has to endure 2 hours of negative emotions and me rehashing my feelings over and over and over – that is just TORTURE for most men!  I need to get really good at telling him the basics.  What I feel.  What I want.  What I need.  Then he can be my hero and help me!  I used to tell him EVERY THOUGHT that popped into my head.  That was too much dialogue for the poor guy.  He’s not my twin sister!  He’s a man!  And that’s ok.

3. I focus on the good in my husband and praise him, admire him and respect him verbally.  I cut out all the negativity, lecturing, criticism, contempt, bitterness, resentment, pride (and BOY was there a lot of that to get rid of!), teaching, bossing, ordering and telling him what to do.

4. I smile a lot (just to bless him).  I kiss him a lot. I hug him a lot.  I act like I am REALLY glad he’s with me!  I laugh at his jokes.  I ENJOY HIM.

5. I accept my husband as he is.  I don’t try to change him anymore.

6. I am very forgiving and full of grace and mercy. (this is a God’s Spirit being in control thing)

7. I thank him for being the leader in our marriage multiple times per week (I started doing this BEFORE he started leading, when I was beginning to learn to step down) and I praise and stand behind his leadership.  I tell him what I want, and when he makes a decision, I support it.  If I believe he is REALLY wrong, I can respectfully appeal his decision once.  I know that he’ll make mistakes sometimes, and I don’t make a big deal out of it.  He’s learning to be a godly leader, God will even use his mistakes to help him grow stronger.  (If he is sinning, or asking me to sin – I would have to resist him firmly but respectfully.)

8. I am quick to apologize if I am disrespectful or if I sin against my husband.

9. I strive to be HUMBLE!  My way is not necessarily better or more right.

TELLING HIM WHAT I WANT

I also share my desires with him simply, matter-of-factly, pleasantly, usually with a smile on my face.  Many times, I whisper it in his ear and then walk to another room and let him just think and ponder about my request , my beautiful smile and my eyes lit up with sincere adoration for him:

• When I want something I say, “I want X.” “I want to do X.”  “I like doing X.”
• When I don’t want something I say, “I don’t want X.”  “I don’t want to do X.”  “I don’t like X.”

I do not tell him what to do, when to do it, how to do it, where to do it or boss him around.  I tell him simply what I want and I leave it with him and trust him to make the best decision for our family about what gets done (Laura Doyle “The Surrendered Wife”).   I do NOT expect him to read my mind!!!!!  And I use polite manners and a very sweet, calm, feminine, controlled, respectful, friendly approach.  I flirt with him.  I act as if I believe the BEST in him when I ask something of him.  I do not have a conversation with him in my head anymore and get mad at what I THINK he might say.   I don’t assume anymore.  I really let him think about it and leave it up to him.

 THIS MEANS THAT I HAVE TO CARE MORE ABOUT MY INTIMACY AND RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM THAN I CARE ABOUT GETTING MY WAY ABOUT SOMETHING.

I yield control to him and I trust my husband and God to work things out better than I could work them out for myself.  God’s wisdom is much higher than mine!  He’s big enough to handle this stuff.  I had to learn that God is truly sovereign – even over my marriage!?!?  I really did NOT get that before.  I acted like I was sovereign and God and my husband were wimps.   Now I know how big, loving, strong, kind, generous and powerful God and my husband are!  And I trust my husband to have wisdom that I don’t have and that he will make the best decision he can in the eyes of God, knowing he is accountable to God for what he decides.  Now, this is just how life is and I have no problem doing this effortlessly – but at first, it was terrifying and I felt like I was throwing myself off a cliff.  It got much easier with practice and understanding and a new, growing history of success! 

A BIG KEY: 

 I do not get attached to the outcome of decisions. I am attached to my husband and God – not to specific decisions or to getting my way!

So I can roll with whatever my husband decides (even if it wasn’t what I wanted!)  and trust that God will use it for my good.  I give my opinions, desires, thoughts and feelings in a brief, condensed, bottom line kind of way.  I do it without anger, blame or accusation.  Sometimes I cry if I am really sad but I don’t EVER scream, yell, or pitch a fit anymore.  I don’t have to.  My husband LOVES to see me happy now and will do almost anything for me now that he feels so respected and admired.

I know my power is in my pleasant femininity, my beautiful approach, my smile, my faith, my trust, my respect – not in negativity, criticisms, nagging, belittling, hounding, berating, lecturing, or trying to control.  I did NOT get what I wanted too often from my man when I used to do all that negative stuff.

I know that because my husband is feeling respected and because he knows I trust him as the leader of our family, he will do what he thinks is best.  And I know he has a good head on his shoulders.  So I just leave it with him and I pray for God to give him wisdom.  I am PATIENT.  I wait a long time.  I don’t rush him.  I don’t push him.  I don’t get up in exasperation and take over after he hasn’t answered in 30 minutes.  I wait for days or weeks or months – as long as it takes.  I am flexible and can be happy and content regardless of his decision (unless he is asking me to sin or asking me to condone sin – that is a different post!  I would have to respectfully, but FIRMLY resist him in that situation and very humbly appeal to God’s Word as a higher authority that I cannot disobey.)

SHARING MY EMOTIONS

One thing I do (I learned this from “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle) is that I try to tell my husband my full range of emotions in a very simple, straightforward way.  I don’t expect him to guess how I am feeling.  I volunteer that information daily or whenever a new emotion surfaces.  This keeps things from building up and exploding!  THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!  My emotions act as a compass to my husband in our marriage.  I can influence his leadership decisions with my emotions (IF HE IS FEELING RESPECTED BY ME and he knows I am letting him lead).

EXAMPLES:

• Last Friday, I was at work when my little girl lost her first tooth.  I felt really sad about that.  So I told my husband, “I feel really sad that I missed our baby girl’s tooth coming out!  I wish I had been with her and hadn’t missed out on that big milestone.”  And, yes, I cried because I was sad.  So he hugged me and told me he was sorry that I was sad and that he loved me.  Then he took me out to a wonderful dinner.
• Every day, I think about how glad I am I get to be here and live with my husband and share our life together.  So whenever I well up with gratitude, I tell him things like, “I am SO HAPPY I get to be your wife!”  “I LOVE being yours!”  “I am excited to be with you!”  “THANK YOU for being my husband!” (even if he doesn’t say anything in response – that is ok!)
• When something makes me nervous, I say things like, “I feel afraid/nervous about X.  I want to do Y, but I trust you to make the best decision for us.”
• “I’m exhausted today.”  (this one, I only say once and only when I am particularly worn out.  I try to just lean in and hug him close and whisper it in his ear while I am hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.)  These days – he usually tells me to lie down and he’ll handle the children if I say this!  REALLY!!!!!!!!!
• “I just need to talk about how I am feeling.  You haven’t done anything wrong.  Would you please listen to me for a few minutes?  That would help me out SO MUCH!”  This gives him the warning that I am venting and that he is being my hero just by listening.  I actually don’t have to do this nearly as much anymore.  But he is wonderful about listening and holding me and being understanding when I do!  I keep it brief and to the point, and then I THANK HIM for listening!

My joy, delight and happiness tell him that he is doing a great job (he is winning).  My disappointment, anger, sadness and withdrawal tell him that he is not doing a good job, or he needs to adjust something (he may interpret that as he is losing before he feels respected).

My pain and hurt WILL motivate him IF

• I don’t blame HIM for my negative emotions.  I say, “I’m lonely.  I miss you!”  not “You NEVER spend any time with me!  YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!!!”  So I say, “I feel sad.”  “I feel afraid.”  I am sure to tell my husband all about my good emotions, too!  He hears MUCH more: “I feel happy” “I am so excited!” “I can’t wait to see you!”  “Welcome home!  I have MISSED you!” – than he hears negative things.  I tell my husband what my emotions are in a simple, VERY BOILED DOWN TO THE BASICS kind of way.
• I keep control over my tone of voice, body language, facial expressions and volume! If I am very sad, I don’t have to smile, I might even cry sometimes.  But usually,  I stay friendly, positive, optimistic, calm and in control.
• I am brief.
• I do NOT EVER attack his character, his manhood, his decisions, his leadership, his right to lead, his weaknesses…      I DO NOT ATTACK HIM.  PERIOD.  I put away my verbal weapons and stay very vulnerable, humble, gentle and peaceful.

My priority is to let him know that his heart is safe with me.  I don’t want to do ANYTHING thoughtless and selfish to jeopardize my intimacy with him.  I do not want to go back to wounding him.  I can tell him how I feel without attacking him.  If he feels attacked, he will NOT hear my heart.

IF I WANT TO GO ON A BIG, EMOTIONAL, VERBAL TIRADE AFTER ALL OF THIS……..

Hmmm… well, I actually don’t want to do that anymore!!!

Now I know that the price of a verbal assault on my husband is REALLY HIGH.  I will lose precious ground in emotional/spiritual/physical intimacy that I have spent years trying to gain.  IT IS NOT WORTH IT!

If I allow myself the liberty of yelling, screaming, saying hateful and angry things and attacking my husband, then I am probably going to sin against him in my anger.  And you know what he’ll be thinking about instead of his sin or his behavior against me at that point?  He’ll be thinking about my sin and what I did wrong to hurt him.  If I don’t sin against him when he has sinned against me or hurt me – then all he has to think about is his own sin, his own selfishness, his own pride, his own soul and his own conscience.  God’s voice will be much more audible for him when I stay out of the way than if I create a bunch of distraction with hysterics, uncontrolled anger, high volume and negative emotions.  God’s Spirit gives me self-control and peace every day now!

It did take me a good 2+ years to get completely to the point I am at now.  But now I know how to communicate my feelings respectfully, which issues are worth bringing up and when to drop things.  REALLY AND TRULY! … Ok, I can see you looking at me with skepticism!  But this is where I live now.  It is SO peaceful and wonderful – that is why I am writing so that you can find this beautiful place in your life and marriage, too!

It was a process of learning, but we have been living in peace and harmony on a daily basis for 2 years now (I started learning about respect and submission almost 4 years ago).  If we have a little misunderstanding, we both immediately move toward each other with understanding, love and respect and we get over it almost before it even starts!    It is WONDERFUL!

I finally understand his heart and motives.   I truly believe in my husband and respect him and can list a long list of his strengths anytime, any day.  I don’t focus on his faults anymore. I pray daily for God to give him wisdom to lead our family, and I totally trust God to do that.   I know that my husband has good intentions toward me and isn’t purposely trying to upset or hurt me.  So I don’t get upset about that stuff anymore.  I let him be a man, and I let him be himself and I DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE HIM AT ALL ANYMORE.  I don’t try to make him be like me or be more feminine.  He’s different from me.  That is GOOD!  I understand my femininity and where my power is and it is in my respect, my biblical submission to his leadership, my joy, my smile, my admiration and my being pleasant to be around.  I enjoy him.  I savor him.  I marvel at the differences between us and enjoy the interplay between the masculinity and femininity and allow the differences to attract us.

My husband is so attentive to me now, he jumps to do things to please me.  If he knows I have a need – he’s on it.  I rest in his love and trust him now.  I know we are on the same team and I never look at him as an enemy the way I used to years ago.

OLD SOURCES OF CONTENTION AND HOW I HANDLE THEM NOW

• “If he loved me, why wouldn’t he email me back ALL DAY?  How could he not have sent me a loving email for FOUR WEEKS!?!  Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore????”  Now I know that he loves me even if he doesn’t email me for weeks.  That used to be a huge source of fear for me years ago.    Now I get that he’s just not a big gushy loving email kind of guy.  But he loves me with all his heart.  Now I know he shows me he loves me in other ways.  So I don’t get upset about that anymore.  I am completely confident in his love.  Sometimes I email him to tell him something I respect about him – a brief paragraph, not 2000 words anymore!  And I don’t expect an email back.  If he does email me back, it is a wonderful gift that I enjoy!  If he doesn’t, that’s ok, I look forward to seeing him after work.
• What if I want him to do something and he doesn’t do it?  Then I don’t make a big deal of it and I just divert to another plan.  So if I ask my husband, “Honey, would you wake up our son, please?”  I give him as much time as possible.  He’ll do it much later than I would, but I don’t complain – I thank him when he does it.  If he forgets or doesn’t do something, I handle it without arguing or complaining.
• I don’t want to work, I want to be home with the children. – This one was the hardest for me.  I want to be home.  I believe that is where God wants me to be.  My husband wants me to work at least some.  So I found a job that is much less stressful (that is a God thing!) than my old job.  And I work about 10 hours/week because my husband wants me to.  I trust that he and God are using this for my good.  I do get to be home A LOT, and I am extremely thankful for that.  There was a time my husband wanted me to work more.  I told him “I don’t want to work more.”  I cried and prayed a lot about it.  And he didn’t force me to work more – he saw that it upset me too much and he allowed me to make the decision.  I live within our budget and I don’t buy things we don’t need.  I try to make it as easy as possible for him to have me at home so much.
• I want us to pray together more.  Now, I ask him to pray with me sometimes.  Other nights, I just put my hand on him and pray over him after he turns out the light.
• I want him to turn off the tv and be with me and talk.  I say politely and pleasantly, “Honey, do you have some time to be with me/talk with me, please?”  And if he doesn’t turn off the tv right away, I go get ready for bed instead or read a book, or just enjoy sitting with him (he’ll ususally rub my back or stroke my hair if I sit near him.)  And when he gets to a place where he can pause the tv, he will and then he gives me all of his attention.  And I thank him!  I talk with him for awhile (10-15 minutes), then I wrap it up and thank him again!  Other times I talk with him while the TV is on, and he gives me all of his attention now.
• Some women get EXTREMELY upset if their husband doesn’t buy them a gift for a special day.  I actually don’t care now if my husband gets me anything for Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day (or even Christmas or my birthday) because I feel SO loved every single day – I am in heaven!  In fact, he didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day this year because he asked me what I wanted and I told him I was so happy that I didn’t need anything.  And I meant it!  I was the happiest wife and mama on the planet that day – and every day.  I live in gratitude constantly to God and to my husband – and I LOVE it this way!  I am VERY EASY TO PLEASE because I am so thankful for all that I have.  I am content
• Some women get really upset if their husband doesn’t take them out on a date to a certain restaurant or if they don’t have a night on the town a certain number of times per month or so.  These days, I don’t care if my husband takes me out on the town or if we stay at home and enjoy a home cooked meal together with the children at their grandparents. I am flexible.  I am open to him surprising me and planning things and I don’t get disappointed because I have no expectations!  I am focused on increasing and building emotional and spiritual intimacy between us not on the particular details of what we do and where we go. I enjoy being with HIM, the details don’t trip me up anymore.  A lot of the little things that used to be a big deal don’t bother me anymore at all.  And sometimes my husband surprises me with some VERY fancy plans – and I feel like a princess!  Other times he surprises me with a wonderful meal at home – and I feel like a princess there, too!
• If we don’t have much time together one week, and I start to feel disconnected from him or if I begin to doubt his love for some reason, I would have begun to panic about whether or not he still loved me years ago.  This could have been a major ordeal with a lot of emotional outbursts on my end in the past. Now, I just tell him, “I miss you!”  “I’m lonely!!”  or “Would you please hold me!”  Or I go to him and put my head on his shoulder or sit beside him and put his arm around me.  He cuddles with me and tells me he loves me.  I feel so protected, cherished, adored, loved and well-provided for.
• I used to ask my husband to do something for me and then stand there and practically tap my foot impatiently waiting for him to answer.  If he didn’t IMMEDIATELY answer – like in about 10 seconds, I would start to be upset.  Sometimes he would go for 30 minutes without answering me and then I would REALLY lose it – the whole evening would be ruined because I thought he was purposely being rude and not answering me.    I understand that my husband needs time to process now.  I don’t hold that against him.  Usually, if I say that I want something, he does it.  It might not always be in 5 seconds, but he hears me and wants me to be happy.  My smile is his favorite thing in the world.  So I just say nonchalantly what I want in passing and in a friendly way and then I change the subject or leave the room to continue working on chores or something so that he doesn’t feel pressured or coerced.
• If I disagree with something my husband is doing as a father, I would have lectured him condescendingly in the past.  Now I say humbly, lovingly, respectfully, “I am praying about our children and I want to be sure that they learn to be generous, have servant’s hearts, not be selfish, not be spoiled” (or whatever the issue is).  Then I tell him “I want to do X to try to address this situation.   I am praying about it.  I trust you to do what is best for them.”  And then I drop it and sometimes continue to pray but mostly expectantly wait on God’s answer and my husband’s answer.
• If there is a chore I want him to do and I don’t want to do it anymore – I tell him, “I can’t do X anymore.”  Then I don’t do it at all, ever.  I don’t touch it.  He’ll eventually do it.  Or it won’t get done!
• I also spend a lot of time with God each day.  I depend on HIM to make me joyful and happy, I don’t hold my husband responsible for my happiness anymore.  My husband is NOT my idol!  This is a HUGE key to being able to be at peace with my husband!

IF I AM SOMEHOW UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING NOW:

I say something like, “I am upset about  X” as soon as I realize he did something to upset me.  This almost NEVER happens these days.  But I would say that and then distance myself physically and emotionally until he apologizes.  Now, if I did say that, my husband would immediately apologize.  But if he didn’t, I would just remove myself and create space.  This works best when I usually am giving him admiration, praise and respect.  He will MISS those things when they stop.  He will want to restore the happy wife again very quickly!

Bob Grant talks about that “men respond to pain and distance, not words.”  He also says, “words are for women.”  The accompanying important piece of info here is that words are not for men.  Words aren’t effective to sway the emotions of men.  Stopping communication and contact is more effective.  If he comes around and starts to talk, I could say, “I’m still upset.”  And that is really all I would probably have to say.  He will most likely apologize the first time, but if he didn’t, he will probably apologize at this later point.  If not, I can continue to wait if it is really that big of a deal.  He’ll get the message this way if I am being respectfully distant – not pouty!  And he will remember what he did and feel guilty and eventually apologize.

I would also use this time to get myself spiritually centered on Christ and to begin working on forgiving my husband, repenting for any bitterness on my part, and seeking how Christ might want me to overcome evil with good in this situation.

If he sins against me in a big way – that would be a different post.  But interestingly, that hasn’t happened since I have learned about respect and submission!  But there are ways to handle that with grace, poise, dignity, self-control, the Spirit being in charge of me, and respect, too!

I HOPE THIS ANSWERS SOME OF THE BIGGER QUESTIONS!

I know some of you have  more questions!  If you do, feel free to ask!

Lord,

Help us to learn to use the power of the gifts of godly femininity and help us to communicate respectfully to our husbands so that they don’t feel attacked!  Help us to speak the language of respect fluently and to meet our husbands’ deep, masculine needs for respect and for being the leader in the family in ways that touch our husbands’ souls.  Let us, our character, our conduct, our words, our attitudes, our tone of voice and our influence greatly honor Christ in our marriages!

Amen!

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