Let Him Pursue You!!
Hello, ladies!
So… what if you notice that it is you, the wife, doing all the pursuing of your husband, and not the other way around? That is a pretty yucky place to be for a wife, actually. And it is often a byproduct of a wife trying to be in control too much in the marriage- in my view. It seems to work out that husbands remain elusive and emotionally unavailable when it is us continually seeking them out and trying to get them to spend time with us and talk with us and MAKE them connect with us.
CHECK YOUR HEART AND PRIORITIES – IS GOD FIRST?
Here is where I am going to suggest something extremely counterintuitive. It will feel like the opposite of what we should do. With God, He says, “draw near to Me and I will draw near to you.” But with husbands, sometimes if we keep trying to draw near to them and they aren’t ready for that, we end up with the whole stonewall thing and easily end up in tears banging our head against the wall.
My experience is that when realize I am pursuing my husband too much, and he isn’t really responding well, it is a red flag to me that I am putting him above God in my heart. So what is a girl to do?
YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT??
Here is the counterintuitive part – back away.
Not in a pouty, angry, mad, upset kind of way. But in a way that says, “I know you aren’t in charge of my happiness. I am going to take care of my emotional needs and spiritual needs and not overburden you with all of that.”
The ironic thing is that once we back away a bit and take care of our own spiritual needs and really spend some quality time with God – seeking Him first- and maybe get some time in with girl friends and do things that put a smile on our own faces, that smile and joy come back to us and THAT will attract our husbands to us.
YOUR MAN ISN’T IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS.
A woman’s extreme neediness will repel a man like nothing else. When she idolizes her husband, he feels like he is drowning in her ocean of bottomless needs. But when a woman is in control of herself and knows how to take care of herself and then is confident and strong and vulnerable and joyful and open all at the same time- that can bring her husband back to her and pique his interest in her.
Remember, he wants you to be happy more than just about anything in the world! REALLY! Husbands tend to measure their success as men, husbands and fathers by their wives’ happiness. He loves to see your smile!
But he needs your help. He can’t be the only one responsible for your happiness- that is too overwhelming and an impossible job for any human on earth to be solely responsible for another person’s happiness. That is why you must put God first in your heart and seek His will above your own. Then when your priorities are in their proper place in God’s sight, your husband will see that you are actually please-able, that your beautiful smile is back, that your joy is beaming out of your soul- that is a big neon “welcome home” sign to your husband. And then he will be able to pursue you. It works so much better like that usually!
TRY HIS WAY OF BONDING FIRST
What if you are more interested in conversation with him than he is? Well, a husband bonds by just being in the same room together doing something together, often without any words at all. I would suggest just going to where he is at times and quietly sitting with him, saying nothing, just savoring being with him. Smile at him every so often. Don’t expect conversation.
This builds a bond with him on his side of the relationship. Even if it feels like you are doing nothing on your end. Eventually, he may even talk about what is on his mind and you can listen and let him know he is appreciated and understood and important to you.
HE LIKES TO PURSUE NOT TO BE CHASED OR SMOTHERED
What if you are more interested in physical intimacy with him than he is with you? Ugh! Not a fun feeling at all. I would suggest that you do a lot of praying, and try backing off from him. Instead of trying to initiate a lot, maybe just be receptive to any overtures on his part and be responsive- lots of smiles, maybe some flirting! Be very positive if he does anything you like and appreciate. But try backing away and let him have some time to miss you and to come to you.
Husbands and wives almost never have the same level of sexual desire at the same time. So there will be times where patience is necessary. Of course, you certainly can use your beautiful facial expressions and smiles to let him know he is welcome. And you can dress to please his eyes and to show him that you are available to be seduced! But if you have been putting a lot of pressure on him, just backing off a bit may actually bring you what you wanted.
WHAT IF HE IS SMOTHERING ME SEXUALLY?
If he is pursuing you too much, in your estimation- it might be that he feels he is starving for you. Husbands connect physically before they are able to connect emotionally. Actually – sex is one of the only times that husbands experience high levels of oxytocin – the bonding hormone that bonds nursing mothers to their infants. Physical intimacy is a VERY emotional and spiritual time of bonding for husbands.
Perhaps if you initiated physical intimacy once or twice a week (or whatever interval it seems might work best for both of you), he wouldn’t feel like he needs to chase you so much. Maybe think of it as a way to minister to him. Let him know that you desire him and that he is extremely important to you, and that there is nothing on earth more important to you than your relationship with him. Make sure that you are giving him priority with your time and your energy and efforts- heart/soul/body. He deserves the best you have to give, not the left over scraps. He needs to know he is desired by you. That’s one of his greatest needs.
ARE WE TOO BUSY FOR OUR OWN GOOD?
Examine your family’s schedule. See if there are things that need to be pared down if your husband is feeling left out or ignored. His needs are important and he desperately needs a wife who is sensitive to his needs and priorities.
Have a wonderful day! Hope these ideas might be helpful. I am not an expert by any means, but just want to get some new, fresh ideas going that might benefit some marriages.
With love and prayers for all of our marriages!!!!
The Peaceful Wife 
A lot of truth in this one……..I know firsthand!
Even after I learned to really “respect” my husband, there was that one thing that I “expected” and could not let go of. Daily I looked for it and would let it ruin my day. When I started reading this article the Lord brought it to mind to let me realize I had FINALLY let it go…..made me smile deep down in my heart!
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You’ll have to let me know how it goes!
It may take a few months, but many times backing down and just being receptive and available bring great results. BUT, the hardest part is to be ok either way. In Christ, April Cassidy
http://www.peacefulwife.com
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I have found it ironic that husbands are not responsible for our happiness as wives (something I am learning) but they measure their success as husbands by our happiness. For a long time this trapped me. I felt like “If he wants to feel successful – he needs to learn how to love me (read: love me the way I like i.e. my selfish wants), then I will be happy and he will be happy.”
Now I am learning much of what you have said above and realize that my happiness affects his happiness (makes it harder or easier for him to focus on the happiness). I am learning to think of it more like I am a thermostat and set the emotional climate of the home and bring balance to it by my choice to focus on God and his ways rather than a thermometer, which depends completely on the set emotional climate at the time. I am seeing now how thermostats have powerful effects (through God’s ways)!
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I love that illustration! A wife is a thermostat for the marriage. How beautiful! Thanks for sharing!
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PS, We are not responsible FOR our husbands happiness either. They can make idols of us, too. But we are responsible to God to obey Him and responsible to our husbsnds to fulfill our vows. 🙂
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So true: “Remember, he wants you to be happy more than just about anything in the world! REALLY! Husbands tend to measure their success as men, husbands and fathers by their wives’ happiness. He loves to see your smile!”
One of the most freeing things for me, though, was when I realized that I was not ultimately responsible for my wife’s happiness. That freed me to just love the lady. And…. pursure her a little more.
Great insights. Thank you (although I’m a dude and it was written for wives, there are some transferrable concepts).
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You are very welcome! I appreciate your comments!
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This is a major issue for me, and I’m still learning. I idolize my husband as the source of my happiness, and he measures his happiness as a man by his ability to make me happy (total catch 22 and selfish on my part). Since I’m constantly displeased with his lack of pursuit, and the amount of physical affection, he often feels so defeated and angry. This is a bad cycle and April has taught me to put God first and let God meet my needs, to repent of my selfishness and sin, and focus only on building my husband up. This is the next step for me….
“WhyIloveTina” (i love that name, so sweet!)…you said something so poignant, it will stick with me!!
“One of the most freeing things for me, though, was when I realized that I was not ultimately responsible for my wife’s happiness. That freed me to just love the lady. And…. pursue her a little more.”
I realize after reading that phrase, that if I get busy making myself happy (writing, the gym, taking care of myself, girl time) instead of relying on my husband, he’ll feel liberated and encouraged when he sees my smile. He may believe in his ability to love me “right”, be encouraged and inspired, find me more attractive, and be motivated to come after me more. This is now going to be my strategy and plan!!
My husband always says— “you’ve lost your “SWAG””. I am going to make it my mission to get it back.
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Crystal, You are really starting to get it! I love it! Awesome job! Thank You, God for all You are doing and will do in Crystal and her marriage!
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hi
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Hi please respond back,! Even though we would want our husbands to persue us , it seems as though he should want to persue us even if we are amess and unattractive at the time, sad, unwanted, angry because of his lack of whatever it is at the time. he should want to persue us if we are mad, aggravated because he loves us. I feel very unloved , unwanted, disconnected from my husband I am married and lonely, i need him more than words can explain…. !!!!! HELP ME PLEASE.
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Shantel,
I feel your pain VERY DEEPLY! I pursued my husband for 15 years in our marriage and wanted his love SO MUCH! I was lonely, frustrated, angry, and felt extremely unloved at times.
Ideally – yes – husbands would continue to love and pursue their wives even if we are messing things up a lot. But it would take a very Holy Spirit-filled man to react that way to a wife’s desperation.
Unfortunately – the way wives react when we feel unloved is disrespectful. And when men feel disrespected their knee jerk reaction is unloving. So the crazy cycle begins (Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs).
To attract your husband – you have to do what works for HIM to feel attracted to you. If you smother him with neediness and constant phone calls and texts and you try to demand his attention or even worse – beg, cry, pout, whine, manipulate or force him to do what you want – HE WILL NOT DO IT. Those tactics repulse men.
And when we are resorting to those methods to try to MAKE our men love us and MAKE them do what we want – we are actually committing idolatry. I did this FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. I didn’t see it. All I saw was, “He is unloving! He SHOULD do X, Y and Z for ME!” But I didn’t notice how I was hurting him. He never told me I was disrespectful and he never told me I hurt him. I assumed he had no feelings. And I was WRONG.
I was putting my desire to feel loved above my desire for Christ. Any time I HAVE to have something other than Christ to be happy – that is idolatry. And there is no worse sin than that. I broke the first commandment (from the 10 commandments) all day long every day for many years – and I thought I was a great Christian.
I didn’t see my pride. I really believed “I know better than him.” “I’m smarter than he is.” “I need to take over because he WON’T MAN UP.” And so I tried to control him and I treated him with disrespect. I criticized him daily. I lectured him. I ordered him around. I told him what to do and how to do it. I rolled my eyes at him. I raised my voice and used the angry mama scolding tone with him. I didn’t pay much attention to his feelings or what he thought was important or what he wanted. If he didn’t answer me within 5 seconds, I was ANGRY. I acted like I was better than him because I really thought I was. I had MOUNTAINS of pride. When I finally saw it – I was mortified. I thought I was such a great wife – but I wasn’t. I wasn’t taking care of my husband’s legitimate and God-given need for respect. I didn’t even really know what respect or disrespect meant to a man! And I wasn’t allowing him to lead even though God designated him the leader in the marriage.
I was stressed out, lonely, angry, anxious, unforgiving, resentful, fearful and thought that I had to make things happen, that I was in charge – not God. That is how I lived – as if I were in God’s place and God barely existed.
I had to learn to put Christ first. He has to be my Lord and my God. I have to be willing to sacrifice MY wants, MY will, MY way, MY rights, MY wisdom, MY needs and take on God’s will, His desires, His goals, His purpose, His plan and His wisdom. I had to REALLY, REALLY humble myself hundreds of notches and be contrite before God – seeing the depths of my sin – and seeing the heights of God’s holiness and that I fell miles and miles short of His standard. I had to really see how much sin debt I owed to Jesus – that I owed Him BILLIONS of $ for my sin, not just a few hundred bucks.
I had to learn to put Him first in every area of my life and hold nothing back from Him. I had to learn to obey His Word and seek His will.
It was only when I had Jesus in the right place in my heart and took my husband, my being in control and my feeling loved off the throne of my soul that God began to work powerfully in me and my marriage. He eventually gave me the desires of my heart – to feel loved by my husband again. BUT my motive had to be to please God not to try to make my husband love me.
When my motives are right in God’s sight and I obey Him and respect my husband and cooperate with his leadership – THEN my husband is powerfully attracted to me and WANTS to love me again.
I learned that it was actually a HUGE BLESSING that my husband refused to pursue me when I was idolizing him. If he had rewarded me by giving me what I wanted – he would have created a monster! What a blessing to have a man who will not be manipulated or coerced or forced into what we want. That is a sign of a strong leader who stands by his convictions.
I believe you are experiencing this intense emotional pain and distress because you may have your husband or your feelings of being loved as idols in your heart. I pray you will examine your relationship with Christ and put Him in His proper place in your life and commit to do things His way. Then I think you will see miracles in time that will blow your mind.
I am here if you want to talk more! MUCH LOVE and BIG HUGS precious sister!
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OH!
Shantel,
How could I forget this???
Also – men are sinful humans who fail, just like we are. Sometimes they are unloving because they are not right with God or they are cherishing some sin in their own hearts. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what we do. We can’t make our husbands act loving.
But we can still obey God and uphold our end of the marriage and be a blessing to our husbands – that way we can influence them towards God and towards us. But then we must trust God to open our husbands’ hearts and spiritual eyes.
Praying for you!
How are things going?
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I love this article, but one part that is not mentioned is , what if you husband isn’t happy with himself. I played the easy going no problem, backed off wife for 17 years and it got me to a failed marriage. I never expressed my needs. He was absorbed with his life and job and career and I was on the back burner. We didn’t have sex, he didn’t pursue me, he forgot me and our family.
When I did need him at a hard part in my life, he didn’t make time for me, my friends did. So I kept my own happy. We have made several attempts to get back to even keel…but I think he has realized that he wants the wife that has no needs at all and gets whatever he wants to give. Even though I know where that got me the first time…nothing. So I feel I have to express those needs, and he shells up at the slightest conversation of can you tell me what that means. I have realized that he didn’t have a clue what it means to be a partner, to support, etc. So this is ideal, with two happy people….Remember find your own happy first (both of you).
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Happymominashoe,
I am so glad to meet you and hear from you! Thank you for sharing your experience.
I believe that submission is about honoring and cooperating with our husband’s leadership, but I also believe that it is our duty and responsibility to share our feelings, needs, desires, strengths, personalities and gifts. I don’t believe that giving up our influence and our voice is wise. That is not a real, intimate relationship when one person unplugs and does not offer themselves or share of themselves – in my mind.
All people, men and women have needs. We can ask for what we need respectfully. We cannot demand it or force our husbands to do what we want. But they are not mind readers either. A vibrant relationship in marriage will be a picture of the relationship between the church and Christ. The church does submit to Christ, just like Christ submitted to God. But in Jesus’ submission, He still spoke His mind respectfully. And in the church’s submission, we are to pray and ask God for what we need and talk with Him -even though He knows what we need. Intimacy is about being known and knowing the other person. Both people have perspectives that are valuable and important to share.
Yes, each person is responsible for his/her own emotions, happiness, spiritual growth, sin, obedience to God, etc. And when we put Christ squarely first in our lives – we can find our joy, peace, acceptance, feelings of being loved, purpose and strength in Him alone no matter what our spouse does.
If a husband has major childhood trauma or a history of abuse or addictions going on or infidelity – he needs help. The wife will need help, too. If a husband is depressed, it is possible that a wife’s respect may help, but it depends what the cause of depression is. Ladies, please seek a godly Christian pastor or Christian counselor if there are severe issues in your marriage!
Happymominashoe,
Does your husband have any addictions, mental health disorders or history of abuse/trauma?
What was his relationship like with his mother?
What was his parents’ relationship like?
What was your parents’ relationship like?
Are both of you followers of Christ?
Thank you again for sharing. I definitely want women to understand that submission does not mean vanishing or being totally silent and not having a voice. This is such an important point. I really appreciate your willingness to offer your experience to benefit others.
You may also like my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com. Much love to you!
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Please notify me of new posts via email
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Paula,
You may sign up on my home page to receive emails with each new post. 🙂 Let me know if you have any trouble.
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My husband is addicted to OxyContin and is an alcholic. He says I’m smothering him when I just want him to chose me over the drugs. I feel like he doesn’t love me at all. All I want is his love and I feel like he hates me. I’m really confused and have prayed and prayed about this but he has made no effort to change and I am just stuck here wishing he would just love me more than drugs and alcohol. How could I be sSO smothering him when all I want is for him to love me and chose me over the drugs and alcholol. I need some serious advise
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Sarah,
Someone who is addicted to Oxycontin and alcohol cannot make wise choices. You are dealing with the drugs right now, not the real him. As a pharmacist, I implore you to seek help. This is not safe. It is not ok. He is not able to make sound decisions.
Please contact Al-Anon or The Salvation Army or Narcotics Anonymous, my precious girl!
I am praying for healing for you both!!!!!!
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Hi Sarah! Please don’t beat yourself up, or internalize this. Just like April has already stated, he is not in his right mind. I have gone through this with my ex husband. They get high to numb the pain of issues they don’t want to deal with, but unfortunately, it numbs everything… including the ability to feel love.
Take care of you. Keep him in prayer. Support groups and step programs are great, but remember, he has to WANT the help. He may not. Pray, pray, PRAY for him.
On a side note, I was an addict myself many many moons ago… God plucked me out of it, and I have been set free. He alone can change a heart. But again, the person must be willing. I will pray for you both, as well!
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Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your heart with our sister. 🙂
Some wives think that if they “respect their husbands enough” or “submit to them enough” that their love, respect or submission can “fix” an addiction. That is not true.
God can open an addicts’ eyes and heart. People cannot. But yes! We can pray for him and pray for God’s wisdom for Sarah and for His healing for this situation, that He might bring something beautiful out of this awfulness like He did with you, Lisa. 🙂
Much love!
April
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Thank you April and Lisa I have set up counseling at Good sammaratin ministries to try and deal with this. I have a question though.. At what point can I say enough is enough? I want to stay married and love him very much but the drugs and alchohal use are out of control with him and I pray and pray and believe that God will be done. It’s just so hard! How do I know if I should stay or if I am just enabling him ?? I hope I am doing he right thing for now I just continue to pray.
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Sarah,
that is going to require sensitivity to God’s Spirit, and only you and God can decide when that time is. But, even if you must separate, you can pray for his release from this addiction and healing for your marriage. These will be important issues to pray and maybe even fast about and to discuss with your counselor.
There can be times that separation is necessary. And you may need to say that you don’t want to separate, but that the addictions are not ok. And when he is willing to get help and is able to be sober and have accountability for some extended period of time, you can talk about reconciliation.
Praying for wisdom for you!
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April,
You and many of the women on your site have been such a help to me, in more ways than time allows me to say.
I realized (very recently) that I have been the pursuer not just in my marriage, but EVERY RELATIONSHIP (former friendships, ex-boyfriends, etc.). I have NOT done this out of a need to control. I realize I’ve done it because it wasn’t being done to me.
If I needed to interact with, I knew they weren’t going to call (mainly because (1) they didn’t know I needed time with them at that point and (2) more than likely, they weren’t needing or wanting time with me.
Someone once told me “closed mouths don’t get fed.” Pursuing/taking the initiative was me choosing to not have a closed mouth and “get fed”.
Pursuing my husband is EXHAUSTING and PAINFUL (at best). I hurt, SO TERRIBLY, being the one who always has to say “good morning” first, express my needs for intimacy, communication, time together, etc.
What’s worse is, whenever I share my needs (and the fact that he’s been neglectful of me and our son (we’re a blended family), he gets angry with me.
I want…no…I NEED to stop pursuing him; but how does this work when we don’t live under the same roof (he lives far away for long periods of time, while working on lengthy projects as an engineer)?
We don’t get much time on the phone? We don’t see each other anymore (he comes home MAYBE 2-3 times a year; and he’s NEVER stayed for more than 3 days). He use to Skype with me all the time (passionately and eagerly). Now…nothing.
I want to be a godly wife to my husband. I DO NOT want to give up on our marriage; and am willing to stand (and have been standing) with Christ for the restoration of my marriage (and the salvation of my husband, as he’s strayed from God). Many (if not most) of the things you’ve spoken about (especially as it pertains to winning them over without a word) doesn’t look the same in our marriage, since we don’t have shoulder-to-shoulder time, face time, face-to-face interactions, or long enough verbal communication, etc
The other issue is I am new in the place where I live; and have no church family nor any friends. So, there’s no faithful, loving souls who are praying for me, my husband’s deliverance, my marriage restoration or even our children. *tears*
I am alone in everything! I raise our son alone. I go to church alone. I take care of all the financial, household, family, marital things alone. I even go to God for US alone.
His family has never supported our marriage. So, I don’t have in-laws to turn to. I don’t have a good relationship with my own family (who are hundreds of miles a way). So, I have no one to support me or us.
I was a single mother once. I vowed to God I would NEVER do that again. I would never dishonor Him by having sex outside of marriage again. So, when my husband and I married, having a child was such a WONDERFUL BLESSING. Now…I feel like a single mother all over again.
This, coupled with the fact that our son cries for him DAILY (several times throughout the day) and I don’t know what to tell him anymore, the loneliness, abandonment, lack of pursuit, intimacy, care and concern from my husband…ABOUT EVERYTHING PERTAINING TO US breaks me down so severely and causes me to weep on an almost daily basis!!
It would be one thing to never have received these things from him; but to have received it up until a few months ago, only to have it snatched away is almost too much to bear.
I’ve read that God has been pursuing me all my life; and…honestly…it’s a love story that makes me smile through my tears and heartbreak. His loving and relentless pursuit of me, believe it or not, empowers me to stand even more for my husband and marriage. it infuses me with new hope. It doesn’t lessen my pain; but it helps me to trust God with my heart.
I’m sorry if I strayed off topic a bit. I guess this is what happens when you have no other human to talk to/share with.
I need to stop pursuing my husband. How do I do that, and still:
(1) be a godly wife to him?
(2) win him without a word?
(3) bond with him?
(4) restore intimacy, togetherness, etc?
(5) everything else I need to do
I’m aware that, once upon a time, my husband was an idol to me. After this blog helped me realize that, I asked for (and received) forgiveness from God. I seek to honor Our Father with my whole heart; and, while I want & long for the leadership, love, affection, attention, strength, care and intimacy of my husband SO DESPERATELY, I can’t do any of this without God. I’ll die under the weight of this without Him.
How do I stop pursuing my husband without him feeling like I’ve let go, given up, don’t care or don’t want him?
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LonelyDaughterofGod,
Someone asked how you are doing today. And as I read your posts and searched the comments, I am not sure I responded to you – that breaks my heart! I try to never miss a comment, especially for someone who is hurting! 😦
I am so terribly sorry!
How are you doing with God and how is your marriage going, my precious sister? If you ever don’t hear from me within a day or two, please send another comment so I don’t miss it.
Sending you a huge hug and praying for you both!
Much love!
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If the husband is not responsible for the wife’s happiness and vice versa, then why does the husband say he’s unhappy because of the wife and the wife is unhappy because he’s unhappy.
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JD,
People can do things we don’t like. And they can do things we do like. But no one can ultimately “make” someone else be happy. People also can’t force someone to be unhappy. Happiness comes from within. We each get to choose our own emotions. And, if we are in Christ, we can be filled with His supernatural joy and peace no matter what anyone else does or does not do.
I invite you to search my home page for “control and boundaries,” the word “happiness,” and the word “emotions.” I think those posts may be a blessing.
I have seen God do many miracles here. Hundreds, actually.
I do think it is possible.
What is your definition of emotional connection, my friend?
How is your relationship with Christ?
Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?
Much love to you!
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My husband and I have never connected emotionally….is there hope of this happening after many, many years?
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I needed so badly to hear this. Thank you.
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Niki,
I’m glad it was a blessing. I’m here if you want to talk about things. 🙂
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I’m so thankful you even replied to me! In short, I guess I feel like he lost his pursuit. And I want to point that out to him. But after reading this and your husband’s entry I know that I just need to turn to God and also adjust things I’m doing and shouldn’t be doing. Do you have advice for dealing with the hurt though of not feeling desired by him?
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Thank you for writing this! My husband and I are currently separated, and I am seeing that I was always the initiator. I even initiated the separation (though he didn’t fight me on it either). I was looking for a way to turn the climate around somehow, and came across your article! I was so glad it was from a woman of God, because I have been turning it all over to Him, and seeking Him during this time. It has reminded me where my focus should always be; with the Lord. I have read your words and they give me hope and reassure my faith that I am on the right track to healing our marriage with the Lord on my side!
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Erika,
I’m so glad you are open to God working in your heart! That is awesome!
I will say, if you were the one who initiated the separation – it may be that you will need to possibly humbly, respectfully repent and let him know that you want to work things out, rather than waiting on him to initiate in this particular situation. But then allow him to make his decision and don’t rush him. Does that make sense?
Much love to you!
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I am struck to the very core of my being, having read about this topic and just reading all the comments. So true about me trying very hard to the point of idolizing and fearing my husband and forgetting my first love, Jesus Christ, who all adoration belongs to Him alone. Thank you so much for sharing and I’m truly blessed and will take note in my heart deeply. God bless you in full abundance.
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Wilms,
I’m so glad that this was a blessing and that it pointed you to Christ. 🙂 WOOHOO!
Let me know how you are doing and all that God has in store for you, my dear sister! 🙂
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Wow thank you. I needed to hear this.
How do I back off and show I’m here when you are ready if we are in a distance relationship? We are not married yet. But I think in my attempt to make sure we don’t fizzle I may have smothered my boyfriend and pushed him away. We haven’t spoken in 3 days and I’m so tempted to reach out but I want him to make first contact.
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Well I’m not married…yet☺. I’m in a distance relationship. And in my attempt to keep things flowing and not let them fizzle I may have pushed my boyfriend away by constantly trying to get him to “talk” and complaining about him not communicating with me. We haven’t spoken in 3 days and I’m so tempted to text him but I want him to make the first communication attempt. He is currently going through a lot with his business and I want him to know I’m here and not shut me out but I don’t want to push him or smother him. And it’s hard because of the distance because I can’t see him. How do I give him the freedom to “lead” and still let him know that he can lean on me?
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Elshaddaiprincess,
I apologize! Did I miss your comments? Yikes!
This is a difficult balance for a lot of women to achieve. But it is possible in Christ to do this well!
Please search my home page for:
Space
Needy
Closeness in marriage
Oneness in marriage
Separation-leads-to-greater-intimacy paradox
Lead
Leader
I have many posts on this topic!!
How are things now? Much love to you!
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Not much of a difference. I’m still praying about it. We hadn’t spoken in a week. And when we did yesterday it ended in me wanting answers and him going cold turkey again. 😢😭
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elshaddaisprincess,
How have you been approaching him, my dear sister?
Has he said what he needs or wants at all? Or do you think he feels very pressured or condemned?
If he is super stressed, he may feel even more stressed talking with you if he is feeling extremely pressured by you, as well.
How is your walk with Christ going?
Let me know what God speaks to you in those posts. 🙂
Sending you a huge hug!
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I ask something I’m met with silence. We are talking about business but nothing personal and even then I’m walking on eggshells. My walk with Christ is good. Growing daily. I will search for the recommended posts. Thank you so much. God bless you.
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elshaddaisprincess,
Would you like to talk about what you ask him and maybe we can hash through that together? 🙂
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Ok. Yesterday I asked for something that I needed to know that is sort of business related. He didn’t say anything. So I had to text again and tell him why I was asking, then he says I shouldn’t expect him to know what I’m talking about if I didn’t tell him and that he thought I had stopped helping him with that because I had been quiet for a week and he will not impose on me. So I told him I’ve been off all social media for a week. And I said “my goodness is this what we’ve become; you’d rather draw your own conclusion than ask me what’s going on?”. And then the silence again. So a few hours later I asked and nothing. Then hours later comes the long text that arguing, explaining himself and stuff are things he does not want to get involved in. He let’s people in his space and they turn around and want to think they know what’s best for him and that gets him in this ‘spaces’. I don’t know if it’s entirely me or I’m being crucified for my and other people’s sins as well. *sigh* it’s all such a mess.😢
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eldshaddaisprincess,
The business thing – are you directly involved in his business?
Can you have a discussion by phone? Or are you planning to visit each other soon?
I don’t know either of you well, and there is a lot of information I don’t have. So it makes it really difficult for me to tell what is going on. It sounds like he was feeling disrespected because you were quiet?
What is his general personality?
How long have y’all been together?
Were things going well and then got worse?
Much love!
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I think maybe he did. He emphasised the fact that I didn’t say anything about going quiet. I admit I was also thinking I should give him a taste of his own medicine 🙈. We can talk over the phone but at this point he thinks every gesture to talk is a confrontation. He’s got all his guards up. He is a easy go guy. Generally happy. Very “traditional masculine”. He is also saved. Things were good and then he just started thinking everyone I ask something I’m trying to argue or I’m pushing him. We spoke about everything at first then he just shut down. That’s where I keep replaying to see what happened but I can’t pinpoint it. It’s about 3 weeks now of this cold treatment.
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elshaddaisprincess,
What would you like to happen?
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I want for things to be how they were before these walls were built. I want a refreshing relationship and eventually marriage. I don’t want to be a nag and pushy but I want him to know I’m here for him and to encourage him. He’s had people walk out on him when he was at his low and I want him to know I’m here but I don’t want to smother him.
I want a do over. Lol.
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elshaddaisprincess,
You might be able to get a do-over, but maybe you will want to use a different approach? 🙂 We can talk about it some more.
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I am all ears 🙂
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elshaddaisprincess,
What were your main purposes in talking with him about the business stuff a few weeks ago? What did you desire to accomplish?
How did you speak to him exactly? Do you remember any of the conversation?
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I run the business’ social media pages. And I needed his input on something before I could post it. So I greeted him and just asked for what I needed. When I didn’t get a reply and I explained why and what exactly I needed he said I shouldn’t expect him to just know what I’m talking about if I don’t tell him and that he was under the impression I will no longer be running the SM pages because I had just stopped without saying anything. And I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think I had to since he was not talking to me the days before that. But I now see that he must have felt disregarded and disrespected by that.
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elshaddaisprincess,
Is it possible to talk with him by phone and to seek to understand what his expectations are and to apologize if necessary? Has he said you won’t be running the SM pages anymore?
At this point, it seems to me like a Skype discussion might be in order, so that y’all can try to communicate clearly and see each other’s body language and facial expressions and hear tone of voice. Perhaps you can apologize for any pressuring or smothering or disrespect. And maybe you can ask what he would like to do going forward?
If possible, please read the posts I mentioned before talking with him.
Much love to you!
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I will go through the posts. I am heading to his city sometime next week for business, so maybe we can talk then, in person. If he will see me. Thank you so much. Much love to by you.
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elshaddaisprincess,
After you look through those posts, if you want to talk about anything before you see him, let me know. I am praying for you to seek God’s wisdom for you. 🙂 And, before you talk with him, you may also want to check out “apologizing stories.”
Much love to you! I’m here if you need to chat. 🙂
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I have read all the posts. Without knowing it, I’ve been disrespectful. Things I thought were minor things might actually be a big deal to him. And to think all I wanted was to let him know I’m there for him :(.
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elshaddaisprincess,
That happens a lot these days. We, as women, just have no idea that things that seem so small to us can be so devastating to our men. Sure wish we could have all learned this stuff earlier! But I am thankful God is bringing it to light now. 🙂
I pray God will empower you and give you the opportunity to try to set things right on your end of the relationship, at least. 🙂
Much love to you!
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It’s funny how almost everything one goes through there is always someone who has already gone through it. I am so thankful I decided to look for a Godly solution. I will take the next couple if days praying, going through the posts again and just setting ny heart in alignment with God’s will so He can take charge and be present when we have that talk next week. So that my apology is also right 🙂 you are a blessing. Much much love.
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elshaddaisprincess,
That sounds like an awesome plan! I am praying with you for God to give you clarity, discernment, and His perspective and wisdom. Praying for his healing for you both and for your relationship so that it will honor Christ.
I’m super excited God has allowed me to be here to share these things and that He has brought you here. What an answer to my prayers! 🙂
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I also don’t want that when we meet it seem like I want to meet him to apologize. I want to have a good relaxed/chilled dinner and somehow bring it up.
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elshaddaisprincess,
The “apologizing stories” are helpful, in my view, because sometimes it is important to apologize with words. Other times, it is more important to focus on changing motives, thoughts, and actions. I pray God will show you exactly how to approach your guy in a way that honors Him and honors your man. I pray for healing for the relationship, my dear sister.
There are TONS of posts here about disrespect and respect, as well as control, that you are welcome to read through.
Much love!
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elshaddaisprincess,
Did anything stand out to you on the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect/respect?
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