“My Husband Wants to Go WHERE!?!?!?!” – From the Archives
From a reader. When we submit ourselves fully to Christ and live by faith and obedience to Him – life is such an adventure. We never know what He might do! THANK YOU to this precious wife for sharing her story and to God be all the glory!!!!!
BAD NEWS
I can’t even begin to tell you how my heart sank when I heard my husband say that he was planning to take a trip to Las Vegas with a single guy friend from work. You’d have to know a great deal of our relationship history to fully understand why this hit me the way it did, but nevertheless I was distraught over it. I think most wives would feel a little uncomfortable with the idea of their man going away to a place like Las Vegas without them. I felt VERY uncomfortable, given my husband’s past issues.
THINGS HAD BEEN IMPROVING SO MUCH LATELY!
Things had been really looking up for our family, especially within my marriage. I was finally coming to a point where God was really showing me so much about what it means to be a respectful and submissive wife. I was effectively putting it all into practice, and I was really watching the changes happen. My husband was again warming up to me, after I had made him flee, so to speak, with my controlling words and behavior in the past.
Our marriage had been very broken. Once I stopped trying to force him to get close with God and backed off, he began to take an interest in God again. He started to really step up as a leader of our family in many ways I had never seen in all the previous years of our marriage. He wanted to have a pure life like I did, and after all the years of struggling, for us to be in a place where we both wanted the same thing was really amazing. What was even more amazing was the fact that I was able to understand so many new things about what to do and not do as a wife.
I really felt like things were finally going to be okay, and I wasn’t going to have to deal with the same old behaviors from my husband.
As it turns out, I might always have to deal with those things, and just maybe, he might always have to deal with me struggling to be a respectful wife and messing it up more often than not. Unfortunately, we are sinners. This is the reality of all marriages, and I am learning A LOT about this. That is not to say that God can’t transform our hearts and make us more like Him everyday, but we will always struggle with our flesh. It would be foolish to believe that our husband’s are not going to make mistakes and hurt us.
MY FEELINGS ABOUT HIS PLANS FOR THE TRIP
When my husband told me about wanting to go to Las Vegas, I did not take it well. I tried very hard to respond as best as I could with many of the tools I’d learned from God and from April’s site, but it was hard. I was so confused. I thought my husband wanted to leave these ways behind.
- Why would he want to run off and be in a place like that with his single friend?
- Was I being judgmental by thinking this?
- I thought he didn’t want to even drink anymore.
- Why did he have to pick Las Vegas?
- What would happen there?
My mind was racing. I should also mention that my husband works two jobs everyday so I can stay home with our sons. I am eternally grateful that he does this for us, but it can be very difficult, because we hardly see him at all during the week. It felt so wrong that he would take vacation time and be away from us by choice. It also hurt my heart deeply that he didn’t pick me to come along.
I wanted so desperately for him to want to whisk me away on a romantic trip and be his first choice as a companion.
All of these emotions were flying around in my head, and it was so painful. I knew in my heart that I really had been doing the things God asked me to do in my marriage and as a wife, so I couldn’t understand why this was happening. I would have understood him wanting to go with someone else if I were still being controlling, manipulative, and disrespectful, but I knew I wasn’t. I was actively making sure I wasn’t.
WHAT I DID
I did tell my husband all of the different emotions I was feeling. That was also hard for me, because in the past I had really worried about how he would react when I shared negative feelings with him. God helped me through this, however, and I was able to share all of the issues I had more calmly than I would have in the past. Instead of demanding him to respond to everything I said, I let it be. This is also very different for me, because normally I’d be asking a million questions like what do you think or are you mad I feel this way… but, I didn’t. I let him take what I said into consideration and then I had to let God do the rest.
GOD WORKED IN MY HEART – A LOT!
Over the course of a month I struggled with trying to accept that he was going on this trip and trying to mold my feelings to accompany that as a truth. I still felt like it was wrong though. I kept praying that God’s will would prevail, whether it was for my husband to go or not.
This was a pivotal time for me in my relationship with God, because I started to realize that my motives were not necessarily right when it came to what I was trying to achieve as a wife. I wanted to be a good wife, but I also expected that my husband was going to be a good husband as a result. That is not always the truth. God really showed me that
I need to be a good wife for Him. I need to make sure I’m being submissive and respectful for God regardless of what my husband is doing/not doing.
That was VERY eye opening for me. It was also a giant test, because I had to blindly trust God through it. I didn’t know how I’d survive those days he’d be away not knowing what was going on, but I had to just keep handing those fearful thoughts and feelings to God.
GOD WAS AT WORK WITH MY HUSBAND, TOO – UNBEKNOWNST TO ME!
Last week my husband came home from work and told me we needed to talk. My stomach was in knots, because I assumed he wanted to go over when he was leaving and all the details of the trip. Instead, he told me he realized that it was wrong to go with his friend. He said he left the whole trip in God’s hands and it was completely falling through. When they went to book the flight, the website would not accept their credit cards for some mysterious (GOD) reason. I guess his friend kept changing his mind as well.
My husband acknowledged that it was definitely the hand of God. He said he was very sorry, and that he wanted to make the family more of a priority. He then informed me that he wanted to take me on a trip instead! We will be going on vacation together at the beginning of next month!
I really am in awe of what God did with this situation. It’s hard for me to even express in words how thankful I am. The lessons I am learning are priceless.
MY MESSAGE TO WIVES
What I really want to say to wives is that you need to expect that your husband is going to mess up and do crazy things, but you can’t let that affect how you behave as a wife. Keep seeking God. Keeping asking Him to give you the strength to be the wife He wants you to be. He will equip you, and when things look grim, He is there, and you can most definitely trust Him. He will use your behavior and your faith to bring about positive changes in your husband, but it won’t always be in the way that you want or expect. It may just be a two steps forward, three steps back type of thing, but take heart, God is at work!
God works everything together for the good (of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose Romans 8:28). When I was struggling with all the confusion of this situation I felt like I couldn’t see what good would come from it at all, but then I remembered who God really is, and I knew I could trust Him with this.
If this hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have realized my focus in seeking to be a godly wife is to be God and only God. I learned that we can’t get stuck on the plans and ideas other people have. God can definitely step in the way and change things into how He wants them to be. As wives we need to fully and completely fix our eyes on God, and not have our focus on everything that is going on around us. God is in control.
So, this was really hard, but it was also really amazing and good for me. I think so many of the things we go through as wives are like that. Lessons are hard, but so very valuable. I pray that we keep close to God so we can grasp all the wisdom He wants to give us, and that we can be that godly loving example of Him to everyone around us. 🙂
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!! He IS able! He is sovereign – even over our husbands. We can trust Him. And He will truly use all things for His glory and our ultimate good when we yield to Him and put our faith in Him. WHAT A STORY! It just gives me chills all over. THANK YOU, LORD!
OTHER WIVES – if you have a story about how God worked in your marriage, or is working in you and your marriage – please leave me your story. I may share it anonymously as a post!
The Peaceful Wife 
Thank you for this story. As wife you is currently feeling as though we aren’t going forward at times, but falling way back, this is an encouragement for me to continue to trust God. Even this weekend, something came up that left me frustrated and just looking to God, and His solution was not one I was expecting. So much so that a close family member remarked on some very positive changes they were seeing in my husband and his relationship/attitude towards me. I am humbled.
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Mel,
This is so beautiful!!!!!
Yes – there are times when you stumble and take backwards steps. Thankfully – God doesn’t give up on us! And we get back up and keep learning and seeking Him. 🙂
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Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the will of the Lord that will be established. Proverbs 19:21
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Ted C,
Isn’t God’s sovereignty AWESOME!?!?!!? 🙂 Thank you!
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Dear PeacefulWife,
Since I found your blog, I have been reading it and watching you on YouTube as well. I have learned much and try to apply it to my marriage. I can say that though I am new at this, I am reaping fruits already and it is very exciting.
I’ve always wanted my husband to be a strong leader in our home, but I realized that often, for little things, I always tell him no. I figured, maybe if I often say no, he won’t know how to be a leader. The other day, he told me: “go talk a shower; we are leaving in half an hour”. I wanted to say: “No. I want to stay in bed longer. Anyways, I will be ready in time.” But, this time, I paused, I looked at him and he looked at me. I was surprised, as I found myself saying: “sure”. And at the end I said: “I want to be ready in half an hour, just like you asked me”. He didn’t say anything, but I know him well enough to know he was very pleased.
Yet, sometimes, I am not sure. Should I voice my opinion, like this woman who told her husband not to go to Vegas, or should I pray that he would change his mind and not say anything.
Here are 2 incidents that happen to me last week-end and I would like to have your take on these:
1. My husband said he wanted to buy me new shoes because my sneakers were almost dead. I agreed. When we went to the store, he pointed me to a pair that I didn’t like. I felt bad because he wanted to be nice to me and I wanted to be submissive. I said ok to the pair, but let’s just go see other styles. Finally he found another style, a much nicer one and so did I. So, my husband told me to pick between the 3 pairs of shoes. I picked the one I liked the most and asked him if it was ok with him. He said yes. My question is this. I want to do what he says, but, I felt awkward almost buying ugly shoes. I am happy it worked out, by the grace of God. But, is it ok to say: “I don’t want this pair of shoes”?
2. For an unknown reason to me, my husband hates to tip properly when we go to the restaurant. Last time we went, he ask me for a certain amount for the tip. I offered to give more. I don’t know if I was going against his leadership. I just know that I didn’t nag him, but in a sense, my actions were clearly saying: “you give too little, I will do better.” Is it ok? Should I just let him tip how much he wants and just pray about it? I do that with other thing in the house. I don’t talk or nag (any more). I just pray and hope. It’s hard, but makes me feel much better.
Thank you so much for your blog.
Remain blessed.
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Yas,
I am thrilled to meet you! And I am very happy to hear all that God is doing in your heart!
I think you bring up a very important point.
When we are first learning submission and respect, we sometimes swing too far one way, then over correct and swing too far the other way, and it can take some time to figure out where the right balance is.
I would love to use your comment as an Anonymous post, if you would allow me to. I believe many women have similar issues.
Ok – when your husband wants to do something for you, to make you happy, and he is asking for your opinion – tell him what you want! It is totally fine to say what shoes you prefer in a situation like that! Or, if you have very strong feelings about something, respectfully, calmly tell him what you want or don’t want. Usually just once.
If he already bought a gift for you, try to show appreciation and gratitude for his thoughtfulness and generosity even if it is not your favorite color. Criticizing a gift he picked out may make him decide to quit being generous with you. And you may find that you end up enjoying what he picked out if you give it a chance. 🙂
Husbands are not mind readers! It is your job to share your feelings and desires and perspective, if you can do that respectfully. Then, if he decides against what you want, then you graciously accept his no and trust God’s sovereignty. If he is asking you to blatantly sin or condone sin, you may respectfully refuse. God’s authority and the authority of God’s Word trumps your husband’s God-given authority. So if he asks you to have a threesome, you can’t do that. I don’t think you would even need to worry about being super respectful if that was the situation! Or if he asked you to lie for him, or cheat on your taxes, abuse drugs or disown Jesus… You would have to refuse.
I LOVE how you didn’t argue with your husband when he asked you to get up and get ready. That was a blessing you gave to your husband to be cooperative instead of argumentative.
With the tipping issue, if your husband is feeling pretty well respected and the two of you are relating well, you may say something sometime, when you are not at a restaurant, about “you know, it means a lot to me when we tip 15%. I really love it when we can do that.” Or, “I really appreciate it when you tip 15%. I respect a generous tipper.”
Then drop it and don’t mention it again. And pray and allow God to speak to his heart.
What do you think?
If there are any other issues you would like to talk about, I am glad to hear from you!
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Dear PeacefulWife,
Thanks for your prompt response and you may use my post anytime.
For the 15%, I guess it’s time to pray, because I mentioned it already, and sincerely, he cannot say he doesn’t know. I didn’t say it like you suggested. I said: “do you know the proper tip is 15%”? He looked surprised the first time, but really, I am sure he doesn’t care. Plus, he doesn’t feel that it is wrong to give small tips. He paid for his meal, so he’s ok with that. Tips are extras and extras are not necessary.
Won’t be easy… but it’s time to go pray again.
For the shoe issue, thank you for your input.
For sure, my husband will not asked me do go against the will of God. But sometimes, like 15% tips, are not biblical issues. They are everyday life issues and I must find peace in that.
If the Bible would say: thou shall tip 15%, I am positive my husband would do it. But the Bible doesn’t say anything clearly about many things, just that whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.
I wish my husband would understand that if it was him that was a waiter, he would not be pleased.
Well… I guess I will leave it to God.
Thank you so much.
Dear PeacefulWife,
Since I found your blog, I have been reading it and watching you on YouTube as well. I have learned much and try to apply it to my marriage. I can say that though I am new at this, I am reaping fruits already and it is very exciting.
I’ve always wanted my husband to be a strong leader in our home, but I realized that often, for little things, I always tell him no. I figured, maybe if I often say no, he won’t know how to be a leader. The other day, he told me: “go talk a shower; we are leaving in half an hour”. I wanted to say: “No. I want to stay in bed longer. Anyways, I will be ready in time.” But, this time, I paused, I looked at him and he looked at me. I was surprised, as I found myself saying: “sure”. And at the end I said: “I want to be ready in half an hour, just like you asked me”. He didn’t say anything, but I know him well enough to know he was very pleased.
Yet, sometimes, I am not sure. Should I voice my opinion, like this woman who told her husband not to go to Vegas, or should I pray that he would change his mind and not say anything.
Here are 2 incidents that happen to me last week-end and I would like to have your take on these:
1. My husband said he wanted to buy me new shoes because my sneakers were almost dead. I agreed. When we went to the store, he pointed me to a pair that I didn’t like. I felt bad because he wanted to be nice to me and I wanted to be submissive. I said ok to the pair, but let’s just go see other styles. Finally he found another style, a much nicer one and so did I. So, my husband told me to pick between the 3 pairs of shoes. I picked the one I liked the most and asked him if it was ok with him. He said yes. My question is this. I want to do what he says, but, I felt awkward almost buying ugly shoes. I am happy it worked out, by the grace of God. But, is it ok to say: “I don’t want this pair of shoes”?
2. For an unknown reason to me, my husband hates to tip properly when we go to the restaurant. Last time we went, he ask me for a certain amount for the tip. I offered to give more. I don’t know if I was going against his leadership. I just know that I didn’t nag him, but in a sense, my actions were clearly saying: “you give too little, I will do better.” Is it ok? Should I just let him tip how much he wants and just pray about it? I do that with other thing in the house. I don’t talk or nag (any more). I just pray and hope. It’s hard, but makes me feel much better.
Thank you so much for your blog.
Remain blessed
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Yas,
Thanks for allowing me to use this! It will bless so many wives!
I completely agree with you on the tipping issue. I always tip 15% if I am out by myself or with a girl friend. Thankfully, my husband tips 15% now, too.
I agree that if your husband were a waiter, he would be upset with a customer not tipping. Honestly, I wish they would just include the tip in the price of the food! I hate the whole tipping system myself!
If your husband is paying, just thank him, and don’t look at what he is tipping! Let that be between him, God and the waiter. You are not responsible to make him tip properly. He is a grown adult and he can make that decision himself.
If you approach him by saying, “Do you know…” Or “Don’t you know…” Or “Why would you…” That can feel disrespectful to a lot of men.
So, maybe in a few weeks/months, you could try saying what you want and then not pressuring him. If he is feeling very respected generally, he may be able to handle a comment sooner than if he is feeling or has been feeling very disrespected.
If he is not sinning, say what you want respectfully without blame or condemnation and then allow him the freedom to make his own decisions.
You are accountable to honor, respect and biblically submit to your husband. he is accountable to God for the decisions he makes. He will answer to God for his tipping habits and his decisions. You will answer for your obedience to God and your decisions.
It is actually a huge relief to realize that my husband will bear the responsibility for the decisions in our family, not me!
So, I tell him what I want:
– I want to give to the poor.
– I want to think about adoption.
– I want to think about home schooling.
– I want to do X.
– I don’t want to do Y.
Then my husband is totally responsible to God for the decision he makes for our family, not me.
Huge weight lifted from my shoulders!!!!!
Much love to you!
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Yas,
Oh! I added a section in the post today about when not to share our opinions. You may want to check it out!
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Well im in a little bit of a pickle myself here. My husband called me today to tell me if i would like saphires on a ring he is getting for our anniversary. He wasnt gonna tell me but he didnt wanna get it & me not like it. I know exactly what ring he is talking about because i have seen it at the store while browsing the jewelry counter. In all honesty it us a very pretty ring, but I dont want colored stones. I told him many yrs ago I dont care if the stone is fake & the metal doesnt matter so long as it doesnt turn me green cause my skin starts peeling right after it turns green due to allergic reaction, but I would be satisfied with whatever he gives me because the value of a ring is meaningless in our marriage. I told him dont get anything with color & I would be happy with whatever he got me but somehow the conversation ended with him under the assumption to get the blue stones & i would wear it every day & be happy with it. They didnt have my size so hes gonna try the same store at a different location
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Nicole,
I think you are going to need to let him know about your preference if it is a big deal to you. He is doing something VERY thoughtful and generous for you – so I am sure you are going to want to be sure to be very appreciative and thankful. 🙂
ie:
“Honey,
You are so thoughtful! I am really excited about the ring you are planning to get for me. I just feel like the most loved woman on the planet. The sapphire ring is very beautiful. I was thinking, I would actually prefer one with no colored stones. That way I can feel like it would match any outfit and I would feel like I could wear it every single day to remember your love for me. I just wanted to thank you for your generosity and thoughtfulness. You are so sweet!”
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Nicole,
But – I hope you will prayerfully consider what you believe God might be prompting you to say. And, if he does get the sapphire ring, I hope you will be very thankful and positive about it. It sounds like he really wants to show you how much he loves you in a big way. THAT is a blessing – no matter what the color, in my book!
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or get the bigger one & have it sized. He also want me to have a huge flashy ring but I want small & simple. I am content to wear a huge that im ok with but the color is whats gettin to me. What should I say without hurting his feelings? I havent thought about it all day til I read this post & than it popped into my head how much I dislike it & im not sure why…
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