“Making a Big Breakfast for My Husband”
From a precious wife – thank you for allowing me to share this! MANY, MANY wives will relate!
I just completed day 20 this week, I am about six weeks behind, but I am taking the Respect Dare at my own pace in hopes that I will glean more from it and really work carefully at applying the principles in my own heart. May God’s Spirit guide me and lead me daintily and tenderly through the remaining 20 dares.
I feel good to have gotten half way through Nina’s book. I was a wife whom from the beginning didn’t know if I had it in me to complete the dares, yet alone work on becoming a respectful wife.
Dare 20 was a hard dare for me. I thought I was getting it, I wrote down four things that I wanted to do to show my hubby sacrificial love, and then I did some of those things.
- One of those things was to clean his bathroom (the downstairs bathroom that only he uses and calls “his throne room” jokingly). I braved this task and did it cheerfully and didn’t mind it. I had fun killing about six different spiders and cleaning the yucky “needed to be cleaned for the past two months!!!” bathroom.
I did it without expecting anything in return and knowing that it needed to be done.
- The second thing (I forget what it was now), but I did it, cheerfully and willingly.
- The third thing I wanted to do to show hubby love was to make him a big breakfast. My hubby likes eggs and sausage, biscuits and gravy, the works! The desire to make him this breakfast came from a heart that had wanted to make him a big breakfast since his birthday in May or since our anniversary in June. I gave him a raincheck and wanted to make it for him. So I bought the needed groceries.
Hubby came home late from a baseball game that he went to with his work. He got home around 1:00 a.m. He woke up at 8:30 and didn’t fall back to sleep. I tried to be very quiet and to let him sleep. Once he came downstairs, I started making breakfast. I was discouraged since I couldn’t get our digital music player to play in the kitchen. I asked him for help but he didn’t know how to help me. So I ended up making the breakfast and sang some songs to worship God and to make my own joyful noise.
So as I am making this breakfast my hubs is sitting down at the kitchen booth table. He is tired, drained, and is trying to communicate to me about the game. I was trying hard to listen to him and to finish things up.
Well I got everything made and served up. And then came the sitting down at the table.
And out came the junk (the sinful motives and attitude) that I didn’t know would come out.
Before we prayed, I complained.
- I complained about the music player that I HAD WANTED him to fix so I COULD listen to music to get ME (or try to get us) in a better mood since I knew it would be a hard day to talking with hubby since he was out of it (ON top of working two 12 hour days previously during the week of overtime, which God so graciously allowed).
- Then I complained that my husband didn’t appreciate me.
AND THE HEART OF THE MATTER WAS, I was complaining because I expected him to be SO APPRECIATIVE of the sacrificial act of love I was doing for him.
We had a talk. I told him about my desire to be affirmed by words and appreciated. I told him my desire to be cherished and appreciated. BUT THE FACT WAS….
That I guess I was stewing some of the time I was preparing the food, because I wanted so much to be appreciated while I was cooking.
Just one comment.
I expected my husband to react in a certain way, the way I thought he should. I wanted so much to make it perfect, but I was the one who made it hard.
I know hubs would have said thank you, but I didn’t give him time to say anything. I just jumped in, critized him about the lack of fixing the music player, and then was drowned in my desire and need for appreciation.
SO I ended up asking for forgiveness. He prayed for our food.
Then I got overly emotional. I could only pray to God. Help me Jesus. I just wanted to please God. I just wanted to feel appreciated.
Hubby said it would have been better that I hadn’t cooked the big breakfast if I was going to EXPECT HIM TO REACT IN a CERTAIN way at a CERTAIN point of time.
So I was overcome by tears. Tears that knew I had sinned. Tears of my deep emotions and desire to be loved, cherished, appreciated, adored, but also tears of repentance. I completely understood what my husband was saying.
- I was being disrespectful by my expectations.
- Wanting his words of affirmation when I thought he should give them.
- Not waiting on hubby’s response time.
- Wanting hubby’s approval more than God’s approval.
I did serve hubby with love. But it wasn’t a sacrificial perfect love like Jesus’. I wanted recognition, admiration, praise, and compliments at the right time, but Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross didn’t come with recognition, admiration, praise, and compliments. It came without any rewards. It came with humility and obedience. It came with a desire to please God and not man.
That is where I failed. That is why I am writing this.
To encourage those who have stories similiar to mine. To proclaim that Jesus forgave me of my selfish, changing motives for praise and recognition, and to give Him the glory for beginning to change my mindset.
Thanks April for allowing me to share.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
I believe that every wife has multiple moments like this on the journey to becoming a respectful, godly wife.
This is probably going to sound really strange. But – I am thankful that sometimes our husbands DON’T give us the affirmation and recognition we desire, especially at first.
WHY would I say that?
- When we don’t get what we really want – our husbands’ appreciation, their verbal affirmation – it forces us to see our true motives. Seeing our true motives is very necessary for us to really die to self, take every thought captive for Christ and for God to refine our faith. These are opportunities for God to skim the “dross” off the top of the melted gold in our hearts to make us more and more pure.
THIS IS A PAINFUL PART of the journey. To be sure!!!!
It is wonderful when our husbands do affirm us, encourage us, thank us and appreciate us. I’m glad when they do these things.
BUT – our motives have GOT to be to please and honor Christ alone. It is only when we are truly finding our contentment, purpose, identity, acceptance, fulfillment and joy in Jesus alone that we can be the godly wives Jesus commands us to be. And we can only do that by the power of His Spirit. There is nothing good in us on our own. It is all about Christ and His power every step of the way.
EXPECTATIONS – The Respect Dare Day 1
The Respect Dare, Day 20 – Loving Our Husbands with Sacrificial Love
Expectations – Part 1 (Part 1 of a 4 part series I did earlier in the year on expectations.)
I Want Affirmation from My Husband!
The Peaceful Wife 
Yes, it’s when life squeezes us that we see the dross in ourselves. Unmet expectations have been huge in allowing me to see that I am uncontent with the circumstances God has given me in my life and in helping me to learn more about dying to myself and clinging to God. I don’t do it perfectly but I am learning. Thank you, God.
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Dona,
Thank you for sharing! Yes, now I try to recognize right away that when I am discontent – I am probably putting something ahead of Christ in my heart and it is time for a big motive check!
I’m so thankful God does not allow us to find contentment in anything but Jesus. 🙂
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First of all, thank you so much for both your candor and your words of encouragement! I’ve walked in those very same shoes many times! Expectations seem to be my weak spot, the place I tend to fall, over and over again. No matter how diligent I try to be in not indulging in them…they just seem to sneak in through the back door! I see I still have a lot of work to do on both my motives and in making God, rather than my husband, my first priority. I really appreciate blogs like this; they tend to help me get my thoughts heading towards the right track and back in the race!
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Monica,
Expectations can be very sneaky. We can be blind to them until those ugly feelings start rearing their head when we aren’t feeling appreciated enough.
I love the quote one reader shared with me, “Expectations are premeditated resentment.”
Yikes!
That kind of puts it in perspective.
Checking our motives and purifying our motives will be a life long process. This is part of sanctification. It hurts! But I’m so thankful God exposes these sinful thoughts and motives so that we can repent and take them to Him and allow Him to change us.
Much love to you!
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In Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free”, she touches on our need to seek satisfaction from God first, and then any extra recognition or praise from others is an overflow. She quoted the Psalm, “Satisfy me with Your unfailing love, that I may sing for joy and be glad all my days.” This is a great verse to say every morning!
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Emily,
That is beautiful!!! Great perspective on this issue. Thank you so much for sharing!!!! 🙂
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I had a slip up a few days ago, also. This might sound strange, but I was thankful for it because it was humbling. I was not feeling the whole respect and die to self thing for a few days. Then when I blew up, I really regretted it. It made me want to clean up my act and get back on track with being respectful and dying to self. I hope that makes sense 🙂
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Bridget,
No, it does not sound strange. I definitely understand!
It’s so freeing to live in obedience to God and by His Spirit and not have all those regrets anymore. And once you see how destructive the disrespect is – it is a huge incentive to want to learn God’s ways. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
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The good news is that you are forgiven in Christ; He knows we are all too weak to walk perfectly – if we could we could save our own self. In moments like these, we get to see the reality that He is our strength and identity. Then we can do the work of releasing our expectations and truly love self-lessly. Thanks for the post. http://choosetotrust.com/2012/04/where-do-expectations-come-from/
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Theperkster,
So true!!! AMEN!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing! 🙂
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Expectations used to rule me. The Lord finally freed me from its control. The epiphany came when I realized that I have no control over other people’s actions.
I heard a simple statement that also helped…”It may be reasonable, but is it realistic?” That also helped release some of my expectations.
Lastly, I have come to understand that there are a lot of people around me who either aren’t believers or are believers who aren’t walking in a close, personal relationship with the Lord. When I step back and look at things through their filter, I see that I can’t expect anything from them. I would only be seeking behavior modification, as they aren’t walking according to the leading of the Holy Spirit. Learning that was a biggie for me.
I continue to pray everyday that He will release me of the expectations of the way “I” think things should be. It’s a daily choice, that’s for sure.
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SusanB,
Me, too!!!
It was such a prison!
It is very freeing to realize where my responsibilities end and other people’s begin. It is also very freeing to realize where my responsibilities end and God’s begin! WHAT A WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS!
I, too, am able to see now that if people were spiritually alive/mature, they would make different choices. They are doing the best they know how at the moment. If they were more mature, or had the Holy Spirit, they would act according to God’s Spirit. But someone who is spiritually dead or unconscious or spiritually starving cannot act like Jesus. It is just not possible.
Love your comment. It is VERY helpful! 🙂
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“Wanting hubby’s approval more than God’s approval” kicked me hard! Wow. Thanks for that!
I was wondering if you’ve seen the documentary Monstrous Regiment of Women? I highly recommend it! Totally worth seeing and praying about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnXOKsQqOiA
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Mysterytopursue,
Yes. This is part of this journey that every wife has to face – multiple times. It does not come naturally to us to seek God’s approval over our husband’s approval and affirmation. But it is REALLY important for us to get those motives right in God’s sight.
Thanks for the link. I haven’t seen it!
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Something I have started to notice more & more is when im expecting something even if I dont tell my husband about the expectation I get absolutely nothing. On the other hand when there is no expectation there my husband will randomly tell me he loves me or he misses me, he will call just to talk for a few min, just little things that make me smile & feel loved & tell me that he is thinking of me. Just makes me wonder if when God sees that there is no expectation on my part He gives my husband a nudge that says hey go give her some love but when I expect anything He lets my husbands mind be occupied with other things. Id like to know your thoughts on my thought lol. I also have a question, do you have any posts that talk specifically about the changes that may take place in our husbands? Ive started noticing things & I was just curious to know what changes others first noticed.
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Nicole,
There are a lot of changes that may happen. Here are some:
– He may become more skeptical
– He may get more angry for awhile, questioning his wife’s motives
– He may become more involved and engaged
– He may become more quiet
– He may start demonstrating his love more
Hope this is helpful. 🙂
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