Hey, there! I’m so glad you are here. ๐
If you are new to my site, I would love to invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page, particularly the one “How to Use This Site”ย and “A Counseling Session with Peacefulwife.”
I have been blogging here since January 2012. In the beginning, this was a small blog. I used to be able to individually email wives and mentor them. I loved doing that! But, the blog has been growing like crazy in the past year or so, and now, if I were to email everyone who wants to email me – I would be seriously spending about 12 hours/day just emailing people. Every single day. So, it completely breaks my heart, but I am not able to be available to individually counsel or mentor wives right now via email – and I am not able to make exceptions. Thanks for your patience and understanding. If God opens a door for me to be able to do that, I will definitely do it again. But at this point, I believe His primary ministry calling for me is to focus on the blog and Youtube channel (“April Cassidy”). I pray fervently that God might raise up more godly wife mentors- ย at least one in every single church around the world. The needs are so very great!
I want very much to try to be available to people who comment on my blog. You are welcome to comment any time. ๐ I will respond as soon as I can. You may comment here on this post or anywhere you like. I believe you will also find that other wives here will likely also reach out to you when you comment and seek to encourage, bless, pray for, and share what they are learning, as well. We have an amazing community here that is such a blessing.
I don’t have all the answers. I still have thousands of miles on this journey of becoming a godly wife myself. I am still learning every day. My greatest prayer and desire is that God might use me to point women to Christ and His Word and that He might be greatly exalted here.
I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you as you seek Him with all your heart, as you yield your life fully to Him and as you learn to desire Him far above all else.
Thank you so much for visiting. I hope you will return often. You are always welcome here. ๐
Much love to you!
April
PS:
I have personally seen God transform, heal and change hundreds of women here – all thanks to Him and His Spirit. Here are the main “secrets” to having a successful journey in becoming a godly woman and wife…
- You must be willing to put in time daily (unless providentially hindered, of course) with God for your own Bible study and fervent prayer, seeking to abide in Christ and to be filled with His Spirit. This is your power source – If you are not plugged in, no human can possibly begin to help you.
- You must be willing to believe that the Bible is the absolute truth of God and His wisdom and that all ungodliness and worldliness has to go and you must be willing to toss out everything you think you know about marriage, being a woman, God and living as Christian and build your life on Christ and His Word (the Bible) alone.
- You must be willing to focus on asking God to change you, not your husband. This is ALL about you and Jesus.
- You must be willing to want to learn to find all of your contentment in Christ alone and to completely submit to Him as LORD of ALL in your life – even if you don’t know how right now, you must be willing to want to do this.
- You must be willing to do the hard, painful work yourself. I can point you to Christ, but I cannot change anyone. I also cannot open anyone’s eyes. Only God can do that. And I cannot do the actual wrestling with God for you. That will be for you and God to hash through together privately. There is a LOT of private wrestling with God and His Word on this journey.
- The focus will be on you, not on your husband. You cannot change your husband. I cannot change your husband. The only person you have any control over is yourself. (Control and Boundaries) Your focus has to be only on your walk with Christ, your sin, your behavior, your obedience to God, your becoming a godly woman by the power of Jesus working in you.
- You must be willing to accept that your husband may not ever change. If you want to do this journey with Jesus – your prayer has got to be “Change me, bless my husband.” There are no guarantees here that your husband will change. But if you are willing to seek God with all your face, I CAN guarantee you that He will radically change YOU! ๐ And that is the whole point!
- You must be willing to accept biblical truths and be willing to repent of any sin in your own life. If you refuse to repent of sin, you will be stuck. If you hold on to pride, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, gossip, lust, greed, idolatry, envy, materialism, worldliness, etc… you cannot have the full power of God’s Spirit flooding your life and you won’t have the power to be the wife God commands you to be. Every trace of sin has to go. Will we stumble? YES. Then we confess our sin to God, repent and ask Him to empower us to live and walk in obedience again.
- There may be times you need to confront your husband about his sin. Here is a post about that.
If you are willing to put Christ first and seek Him with all your heart and you are willing to fully submit to Him and learn from Him – you don’t actually need me! I had no mentor. It was just God, me, the Bible, His Spirit and over 30 godly marriage books in 2 years. But I am honored to be here and look forward to hearing from you any time. ๐ It is such a joy to me to get to share what God has done in my life and to get to watch Him change many other people and marriages, as well.
He is your Shield and your Very Great Reward. (Genesis 15:1) If you have the willing spirit that I have described above – God will be free to do miracles in your life. It will be up to Him what He decides to do and up to you to decide how much control you are willing to give Him. But I am thrilled to have the privilege and honor of being a part of this journey for many of you.
The Peaceful Wife 
Dear Peaceful Wife,
Thank-you for your blog! My problem has been an on-going problem for many years and I frankly just would like to know how to deal with it in the best way. Basically, my husband doesn’t ever stick-up for me…he is silent and might even seem to be in “collusion” with the person being rude to me because of his silence. He has a close male friend who likes to “jokingly” jab me, but it is clearly a way to try to put me down. I am immediately offended and taken aback by his attack, and hurt by my husband’s silence. I have told him how I feel, but he just tells me he has no control over this friend. I feel inclined to just never go with my husband when this friend is going to be around so I don’t submit myself to this person’s jabs. But WHAT to tell him?? That we simply do not agree about this and so this is what I must do to protect myself?
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Dear April,
I am a man and I truly enjoy your blog as it provides me with perspective and broadens my understandings – thank you for your efforts.
Offering the following consideration:
(1) I LOVE the small ways my husband is showing me he feels safer and how our relationship is evolving. (2) But I also know we still have a LONG way to go. And I have to leave that up to his timing and Godโs plan for our relationship.
Sentence (1) is a beautiful statement, though sentence (2) has a tendency to negate the beauty of the statement due to the “But”, consider replacing with the word “Though” to continue the beauty of sentence one into sentence (2) without creating separation with the “But”.
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Thanks for your ministry and this blog. I appreciate that your husband is able to trust you to be open about what God has taught you. It is a vulnerable place to be when you open up about your inner lives. I have learned allot in the past couple days after finding one of your blogs. I learned allot about me (a Christian man, divorced for 4 years, I have been in an anger recovery group via my church for 5 years. My anger played it’s part in her contempt and the demise of the marriage. I have spent allot of the past 5 years in shame, and struggling to push the adversary away.
Your blog had examples of things that had happened to me, and sadly I often could not process why I wanted to be away from her, or why I was upset. I could not put my finger on the sense of being de-valued, the insecurity, the reticence I had when she would treat me with disdain, contempt, eye-rolling, the cold-shoulder. In my case she was on my side as long as she thought I was RIGHT. So I had to either always be right (perfectionism), or convince her I was right (lengthy discussions, arguments), or accept the negative consequences for not meeting her expectations. None of those made for a healthy or loving experience. It is so much better to live in contentment and to be assertive. Assertive people say what they want very directly, and they let others be themselves. You often remind your readers, and it was good for me to remember that a spouse is equal, and is an adult.
My identify in Christ is something I have been working through. It is hard to believe that I am a child of God, adopted into Him, grafted in. That IN CHRIST, I am free from condemnation and shame. I know this is true because God tells me, but I often don’t feel it is true. I struggle with shame and condemnation and I know they have no place in the identity I have in Christ. So… I have to accept God’s view of me even when I struggle. The idea of abiding in Christ is prevalent in your blogs, and it seems to be a theme God is reminding me of lately. It was great to find many of the concepts I am working on so prevalent in your writings. In addition your explanations of biblical submission helped me as a man to examine whether I am truly submitting to God.
I encourage you to keep helping women see the benefits of lining up themselves with the God given feminine roles. It really does make us men desire women more when the contrast between them as women and us as men is clear. It is much easier to be tender, loving, a gentleman, when the lady in our life is not fighting us. When she fights us, she invokes our warrior side, and it is much better for both of us when we as men can be a companion and lover with our lady. When she is tender, gentle, lovely then it is much easier to want to treat her like the beautiful woman that God created as a companion and lover.
So thanks to you and your husband for submitting to God and then giving practical, real life examples for others to read! Keep going! May god bless your family!
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Chris,
I appreciate hearing that this blog was a blessing to you – especially hearing the specific insights that have been helpful. My heart breaks for the pain you and your wife have experienced! I’m so very sorry!
Lots of husbands read my blog posts and use them to find inspiration, encouragement, and to “reverse engineer” things to better understand what is happening in their marriages. You are welcome here!
Thank you for sharing your valuable masculine perspective about godly femininity. You explained that very well!
Praying for you to continue to focus on and grow in understanding of your identity in Christ and all of the spiritual resources and riches that are at your disposal in Christ! Isn’t it amazing the way that we can learn so much about how we are to submit to Christ as we study God’s design for marriage? Love that!
May God richly bless your walk with Him and use your life for His greatest glory, my dear brother!
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I have been reading about all the abused woman. I am one of those woman. I have been so abused I have attempted to take my life twice… I am an amazing person but my kind loving nature attracts abusive men. I was also raised in abuse. I do not know how to get out. every time I try i end back at the start like the game “sorry”. When i work hard to get out and end back at the start zone I then battle depression, anxiety that is so horriable that i cant stand it and then i have to fight off wanting to end my life so i can be happy or know that god still can love an abused woman such as I. I want to please god but I fear he has no place for us abused woman because we do things we wouldnt do if not in the situation. Every day I pray that i can make it another day and find joy in life anyway. I am so scared i dont know where to even start. Everyone that talks to me says the same thing. My situation is I am working but I still cant get out because i cant live on $ 800 a month with 5 kids at home. I have even played a lottery ticket in hopes to help get me out. Then i felt so guilty for that i didnt do it again…
I have a hard time reading and have a learning disability when it that. I am a hard worker and can fix about anything around the house. I think i have self taught me this to help give me a sence of worth. All it is doing is adding more to my plate. I dont know how to make enough money on my own so that I do not have to count on another persons income.
I want out but i am scared to death, and I dont have enough faith to believe god will be there for me. I think god is limited. There are people around the world who are suffering in many ways. So many are born in to sex slaves or are born into starvation. How can i Expect god to help a soul such as I when there are so many in need of divine insperation to help with their situation. How do I make a living so i dont need to be in this situation anymore???
Please Help!
Scared to death
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nekii,
I am so very sorry to hear about your situation. ๐ฆ If you were raised in abuse, it may just feel normal. But it is not! I don’t want anyone to live in abuse. How glad I am that you were not successful in taking your life. You are very precious to God!
If your father, especially, was abusive toward you or your mother, that can really taint your view of God. We tend to assume that God’s character is very similar to our dad’s when we were growing up.
I invite you to listen to some David Platt sermons about “Who Is God” on Youtube, or to read a Bible to see a much more accurate picture of who God is. He is sovereign – which means He has ultimate authority, power, and control in the universe. But He also gives people free will so that they can choose to love and serve Him or they can choose to sin against Him. Free will comes with a high price. People can rebel against God and do things that grieve His heart and hurt themselves and others. But that is not what God wants for any of us.
God is not limited, my precious girl! I pray you might come to know Him and how trustworthy He is. It’s not like He only has enough love, energy, time, or power for a certain number of people in the world. He transcends time and space. He knows your pain and He stands ready to offer healing to you.
I pray that you might find a safe way to get out and stay out of abuse if that is what is happening. Have you checked out the resources available for abused women at http://www.thehotline.org? If it is safe to use your phone to check that site, please do. If it is not safe to go online to look up info for help, please call them – it is a USA number – 1-800-799-7233.
In the US, many cities have safe houses or shelters where women can go to escape an abusive situation. The people there may be able to give you wise advice about how and when to leave and where you can go.
Much love to you!
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Nekii,
Here is a site that may have helpful resources for those who are suffering abuse, as well:
http://www.focusministries1.org
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Hello
I wanted to say that I watch your YouTube videos and they are always great
I always feel spirituality better or motivated
You have a awesome way of describing your subject / ideas in such a non threating way
Thank you for doing all you do
Steve
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Steve,
Thanks so much for the comment and the encouragement. I’m glad the videos are a blessing. ๐
May God richly bless your walk with Christ for His greatest glory, my brother!
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I found your blog a few days ago and have been convicted about alot of things I did not realize I have been doing! I am trying to do the respect dare. I am on day 5! It is so hard because for the last 6 months, my husband had been taking trips out of town. I felt that we had a very strong marriage, but since the trips started I have felt insecure and unloved. I feel that instead of pulling my husband closer to me, it has made him want to be away more. So he plans more and more trips to visit family and friends out of state. We have a 4 month old baby and I feel alone and unloved.
I have done some things I am not proud of to try to control him and keep him home with me. Because of the last minute nature of his trips it is hard for me to find happiness doing things I enjoy because friends are busy/have plans or I am unable to find a sitter.
Today I am alone on my birthday. I am trying so hard to not have expectations and be a hurtful wife but I can’t help feeling so hurt and rejected everytime my husband choses not to spend time with me. We have not been out just the two of us since our baby was born. I was so excited and overjoyed when he texted me a few days ago and asked me out on a date tomorrow night for my birthday. I arranged a sitter and everything. I just now got a text that he is staying over an extra day and will return home tomorrow. He made no mention of our date.
I am sitting at work crying and feeling foolish and rejected. I acted respectful when he told me he was staying. Before I would have been disrespectful and said “I’ll cancel the sitter” to let him know that I was disappointed in him. This time I didn’t say anything. I held my tongue and simply said ok. Instead I told him I hope he has fun visiting with his friends, but in reality i’m heartbroken.
How do I get over this? How do I stop feeling so unloved? How do I stop feeling so rejected and abandoned?
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Struggling Wife,
Oh my dear sister! I’m so sorry that you are hurting so much. Happy birthday today! ๐ Congratulations on your precious baby!
Has he always taken trips like this? What were things like before your baby?
Has he talked about why he leaves so much or what he needs?
How is your walk with Christ going? That is going to be so key for you to heal – regardless of what your husband does or doesn’t do. You can find complete healing, wholeness, joy, and peace in Christ. I would love to walk beside you on this road.
Much love to you!
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He didn’t start taking trips like this until August 2015. An ex girlfriend from HS contacted him on social media to tell him he had an 11 year old daughter in another state. She was adopted but wanted to know her birth dad so my hubby and I agreed they should meet. We both made the trip together to meet her so he could begin a relationship. I was expecting so we made plans with her family to have her visit us during her school breaks, etc. Before I knew it he was going out there to visit every two weeks. He said he just wanted to establish a relationship – I fully supported this. And he wanted to see her as much as possible as he wouldn’t be able to once the baby was born.
However, drama came up with his daughter’s family and he continued to visit every two weeks even after our baby was born. I was left behind because of our newborn. He tried to include me as much as he could, texting, sending pics of them, letting me know what they were doing, etc. He would call me every morning when he woke up and/or at the end of the day to fill me in. This was something he did on his own without me asking it of him.
Then the visits stopped because her adoptive parents changed their minds! This was heartbreaking to all of us. Still my husband would go out of state to visit/help his family out there. Even though I didn’t agree, I supported him. But he stopped texting me while he was out there. He stopped sharing with me his day. He would forget to call when he said he would. When he was home, he was always distracted by his phone and seemed disconnected. I felt like he never came home. I felt like I living a life seperate from him. He has always been my best friend and confidant and not having him here while I am going through all these changes with the new baby, returning to work, and other things that have happened in my life while he was gone… it hurts.
All of sudden, I felt like he is a stranger. When he is home, I don’t know how to talk to him, how to act, what to say. When I finally start to feel comfortable again, feel normal, he leaves again.
The last trip he made – he promised it was the last time – he called me on the way home and said he had been thinking about how hard this has been on me and he said he appreciated me. He said he felt like he had maybe taken me a bit for granted. He was so romantic and loving on the phone. Telling me everything I had been thinking and feeling only been to afraid to say. I was amazed and surprised he was feeling the same way. He said he is sorry he hasn’t really been noticing me. And he said I was the most beautiful girl in the world to him. He said to go to bed and he would kiss me awake like sleeping beauty when he got home! (And he did)
My heart was so full. When he got home, I called in to work and we had such an intimate night! I was so excited I had my husband back. But it only took 2 days for things to start feeling exactly how they were. He was always distracted by the computer, his cell phone etc. He even went to the store (only a 5 minute drive) to pickup some tea for me and a few other items. He was gone for two 1/2 hours and didn’t even call or text to say he would be late. When I had tried to text and call him, he didn’t answer or reply. I was hurt.
To make it worse, the reason he was late was because he was talking on the phone to his mom in the parking lot. An issue had come up and affected us and our family and rather than talk to me (as he usually did), he called his mother to discuss it with her first – something he has NEVER done. I didn’t find out about the issue until after he got home and explained where he was.
I will admit that I did act disrespectfully during these times and got a little emotional a few times. I was hurt that we had shared so much and I felt like I had my husband back only to lose him again.
Everything he does that is unloving hurts so much and I guess the reason it hurts is because a few months ago, this wasn’t him. I am trying to handle things differently, but its so hard because he is not here. Part of me is afraid he doesn’t want to come home. My heart breaks that I was disrespectful to him while I was hurting and I can’t even bless him or show love to him cuz he’s not here. He’s been gone since Monday night. He hasn’t called at all. He is barely texting me while he is away. When he does text, I really don’t know what to say. I don’t want to seem too needy or clingy. I try to keep the texts short and sweet. When I ask how his visit is going he just says “good”. He doesn’t fill in any details as to what he is doing, no pictures. Nothing like he used to.
As for my relationship with Christ/God, I’m sorry to say, it’s not really there. I was raised in church and even attended a bible college. I had a dominant, controlling, and abusive Mother who used the Bible and church to manipulate and abuse others. She has caused me the deepest pain imaginable (took my two children from me from a previous relationship – long story – all because she didn’t like my current husband who protected me from her). I have been hurt deeply by Christians.
With everything that happened it caused me to question my faith. I still believe in a God or a being that created all of us, but as for the real relationship with Jesus – I’ve come to doubt it’s really possible. That is just something people use to feel good or manipulate others. Maybe that is part of my problem. Because you seem very geniune and things you say make sense.
A little over a year ago, I was so happy. My husband and I had decided we were ready for a baby and were blessed with a pregnancy. I felt I was on cloud 9. My son was born and I felt I had everything I could have ever wanted – A husband I loved, who loved me. He was my best friend and lover. We have been married 7 years and together 8. I feel that since my son was born my whole world has fallen apart. I know it’s not my son’s fault. It’s just the timing of everything. I know my husband loves him. I just wonder if maybe for some reason my husband no longer loves me. But then I think back to the phone conversation and the intimate night a few weeks ago where he told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Where we cuddled and talked all night. And I hope it’s not too late to save our marriage.
I admit I am struggling with some resentment for some of the things he has done. Before I would have brought them up as they happened and we would have talked about them. Now, I don’t know how I would even do that without sounding like I’m attacking him with a long list of his failures/faults. Do I just forgive and wipe the slate clean?
I am absorbing your blog like a sponge. Reading everything I can get my hands on and watching your videos. I want so badly to be the woman he fell in love with and the one he can’t wait to come home to.
sorry this is so long.
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Struggling Wife,
Finding out about this 11 year old daughter and making a lot of trips back home has dramatically turned everything upside-down, it sounds like. I’m glad you were so supportive of him getting to know his daughter. That was awesome! I do have a hard question to ask, just because I don’t know the situation or your husband and I want to be sure I understand what is happening… is your husband primarily spending time on the phone with his mom or siblings, or is it with someone else?
Goodness, no wonder you began to question God and Christianity after your painful experiences. ๐ฆ That breaks my heart! A controlling, abusive, dominant mom powerfully impacts a daughter’s understanding of marriage, femininity, masculinity, and God. I would imagine you have some very deep spiritual wounds and scars that desperately need healing.
If it is okay, I would like to focus on your healing first, because once you are healed, or healing a lot more – you will then have the spiritual strength, connection with God, and power of His Spirit to help you have wisdom about how to approach your husband.
I’d love to walk beside you on this journey to find healing in Christ if you are ready. There absolutely is healing for you available in Jesus. ๐
The first step I would love for you to take, is to read the comments by RadiantandRedeemed on this post as she walks a number of women through some steps for healing in Christ.
Let me know what God is speaking to you and if there are any issues you want to talk about!
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Thank you so much for responding. I will definitely check out the post you recommended and work on my own healing. My husband arrived home yesterday morning from his trip to say that he wants to move out.
This is completely out of the blue and devastating for me. He says that he is not having an affair (of course I asked) and that he just needs to be single and not married. He said that he wants to have a job and pay bills and have his own place and be his own person without having to answer to anyone.
He said he still loves me very much and knows it’s not fair. He also said he loves our son very much. He said he wants to buy a home in our same neighborhood and be best friends and still be a family for Luke, just not married.
He said it is not me – nothing I have done. That maybe it’s a mid-life crisis but that he just looks at his life and realizes he is not the man he hoped he would be. I don’t understand how this decision is going to help him be a better man. He is abandoning me while claiming to still love me.
I have no idea what to do and I am so afraid of saying or doing anything that will push him further away. He says he will be moving out this weekend!
HELP! My heart is broken – not just for me but for my four month old son. How can he do this to us?
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P.S. I have been the one working for 5 years while he was going to school to finish his degree. He is finally getting a job to earn his own money. I asked him if he felt emasculated that he was dependent on me. He said that was part of it. I told him he was getting a job and that would change but he still insisted he wants to move out. I am so hurt because we planned for all of this and planned for this precious baby boy. I have worked so hard to support our family so he could develop a career that he loves. Our plan was that he would get his degree, get a job, and then we would have a baby. Then I would have the freedom to stay home with baby or find a job doing something I enjoy and makes me happy rather than supporting our family. I feel so hurt and betrayed that he has planned a life for himself without me and now I will be stuck working a job I hate putting my plans on hold again, so that I can continue supporting myself.
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Struggling Wife,
That is certainly not fair at all. ๐ฆ
I wonder if you can get a few days or a week or something of time away from him so that you can get your bearings?
Please keep in mind that it is possible he could change his mind. Do not look at this as the final answer written in stone. Respect that this is what he thinks he wants, but remember that God is sovereign, not your husband, God can change people’s hearts and He can change circumstances. So depend on God as your source of security, not your husband or his current feelings or mindset or plans.
Please search my home page for-
When your husband says I’m done
Peaceful separated wife
Separated wife
It doesn’t sound like he has a biblical reason. But you can focus on your walk with Christ and healing spiritually yourself and staying out of God’s way for what He wants to do in your husband, that is my goal.
I am glad to walk beside you in this road.
Much love to you!
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Struggling Wife,
Oh no!!! ๐ฆ what a terrible surprise.
I am not sure what is going on. But I can totally understand that this would be devastating news to you.
Are you able to be by yourself for a bit to process this and to grieve by yourself and to have some time to think and pray?
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Hello struggling wife. I am very sorry for all you are going through. There is a website called covenant keepers. It may be a source of comfort and strength at this time
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Thanks for sharing this, Annette. ๐
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Hi my name is Michael. I have been really struggling in my marriage and it just feels like it’s so out of order. Me and my wife are polar opposites, and we don’t agree on much, over the years I have had a hard time getting over her cheating 8 years ago, we were not getting along at all at that time and just really grew apart, I have forgiven her but every once in a while it just sneaks up on me and I feel the pain of it, and might even mention it if she is cold to me for a prolonged period of time.
In the recent she chose to go to a church over an hour from our house, I wanted to go to a local church, but she really wanted to go so I went along with it and I watch our youngest usually and half the time our other 2 boys. She also goes to a deliverance group every Friday which I wasn’t in agreement with because she would get home so late (2am-3am) but she said I was crushing her dreams so I allowed this too.
A year later now, she has become best friends with a guy from this group and they were really saying things I’m not comfortable with, he is the male version of her, they have a connection unlike any other, that was in a text she told him that apparently she forgot to delete. She swears up and down there is nothing physical but that they just have a very strong connection, then she hid behind my back that she was going to get a scripture in his handwriting tattooed on her back to seal their connection. Among that she has told him, there is nothing of hers she would not give to him? and “I trust you completely.”
When I found this I cried myself to sleep, left early in the morning leaving her a letter and how this was really hurting me. She said her heart is pure she isn’t doing anything wrong. My whole stance is that I’m not comfortable with this, it’s the appearance of evil and it could grow into more over time. She says she set boundaries to not talk to him after 11pm, only for me to find out she is in constant communication with him all day every day. She refused to stop and I told her we may need to separate until she can get counsel for this to stop and she said fine (as in fine, go). She was willing for our marriage and family to split up to maintain this friendship.
We weren’t talking much, I decided not to leave so as not to hurt our boys, and it continued, all she said, “I’ll try to message him less.” She says it is all one big long Bible study with them. I feel like she just can’t get enough of her connection with him. Then I reached out to her prayer group leader and he agreed this doesn’t look good and he would talk to her. He did and she still persisted, her heart is pure, and she didn’t have to listen to me because she isn’t doing anything wrong.
Several days later she kicked me out of the house threatening to call the police on me to make me leave and I did because she grew up crazy and is willing to make me look really bad to get her way. I was crying and begged her to not do this, and she said I ruined her image to her church and I knew her heart was pure, and bringing up any time I was insensitive or critical. Her we are she has shut me out emotionally and just says she is guarding her heart, and I have totally had to ignore this entire situation of the pain in her friendship with this other guy.
I have examined myself and told her, “I can see how sometimes I come off harsh or insensitive, but my heart is for you and I love you.” She won’t hear it and I can’t dare mention the subject at hand that was hurting me. What can I do? She won’t wear a wedding ring and says we aren’t together? She thinks the Bible had been mistranslated about the husband being the head of the wife and to submit to my leadership. She says she will never accept that? Please help in any way you can. Thanks.
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Michael,
Oh, no! Such a painful situation. ๐ฆ
I used to think, when we were first married 22 years ago, that I was immune from having an affair. I thought I didn’t need to guard my heart. I was so naive! I realized about 2 years into our marriage when I began to develop an emotional connection with another guy that I was NOT immune. I’m so thankful that he started dating someone else and turned his attention away from me. That was terrifying to realize how easily I could have destroyed our marriage and everything that really mattered. ๐ฆ
My personal convictions are that I don’t email men unless I copy my husband. I try to avoid having private conversations with men or being alone with them. I try to break off any contact if I have concerns about temptation. I know how critical it is for me to guard my heart. I know that if I am far enough away from God, I am capable of any sin. I don’t ever want to go down that road!
I completely understand why you were not in favor of this situation from what you are describing. Even if people start out with pure motives – feelings can grow, things can change. I do acknowledge that different believers have different convictions about where to draw the line. But – I would rather be too conservative myself, than too liberal with this issue. It is unwise to make any provision for the flesh. Sin can blind us. ๐ฆ From your description, it sounds like you did what was right. You shared your concerns with her privately. She did not repent. You shared with her small group leader and he talked with her. That was wise. It is not a gift to allow sin to continue – or to say nothing as someone is dangling over the edge of a cliff.
Is there a godly mentoring wife she trusts that she can talk with? Can you talk with a pastor at the church? It would be ideal to have someone who knows both of you to talk to whom you can both trust.
How is your walk with Christ going? I’m glad people are confronting her about this issue before it gets any worse. Ultimately, only God can open her eyes to what she is doing.
I pray for God’s wisdom for you and His strength and His Spirit to fill you. I pray for God’s healing and regeneration for your wife’s soul. That He might speak to her in a way that grabs her attention and draws her to Himself. My heart breaks for your pain. The enemy would love to destroy your marriage. I pray against his plans and for God’s plans and His greatest glory in this family!
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Hi there,
I’ve been searching for a site like this (that is not weird) searching for some understanding and I’m so pleased to find your blog. I feel like I’ve read everything and it’s a great reminder and encouragement. So thank you.
I am recently married (for the 2nd time) and six months in I realise that I need some help in the area of respect and submission. On top of my husband being male, he is from a culture where tradition and respect is a big deal! I come from a very different single mum, non -traditional ‘girl power’ background. Im a highly qualified professional and own several businesses. I absolutely believe in the bible and what it has to say about marriage. It is however very hard to act this way in our culture. (It may help at this point to fill out a bit of the picture by telling you that none of the women once they are married work in my husband’s family, so I am already an exception)
I find it particularly difficult to switch from high powered business woman to submissive wife. My husband (a business executive) recognises my professional skill and is really encouraging but also wants me to go into a new business with him. I am confused about how to make this constant switch and even more concerned about how it will go in business together longer term.
I am always very in control, I’ve been ‘the boss’ of several employees in my own legal consulting firm for years, and I’m regularly called into big business to trouble shoot and tell others what to do.
Some of my anxieties have been recently brought to the fore since I became pregnant and was ordered by the doctor to stop work. This has left my husband in control of well everything and I’m seriously acting up even to the point of panic. Handing over my finances and even revealing a full breakdown was a very difficult thing for me to do. I feel like God has taken all control out of my hands and some of my reactions have not been pretty. My husband on the other hand has been quite patient but very firm about it and won’t back down to my negotiating (a skill I am known for!). I’ve mentioned to him that I’m struggling with this and find it humiliating but he is quit unmoved by that argument and say something like “so?”
I know I’ve outline numerous things here but your input would be appreciated. I’m usually the one with the answers but right now I am a newby!
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Cathy,
It is wonderful to meet you!
I’m so glad the site has been a blessing. That is an answer to my prayers!
Your “family culture” from when you grew up and from your 1st marriage (most likely) has programmed you to think that certain things are “normal” in marriage and with masculinity and femininity. You will probably have to do some very serious studying of God’s design for these things for a LONG time to unlearn the wrong things and lies you have absorbed from family and the world and to rebuild your understanding on Christ and His Word. Your husband’s background and his expectations will make this a bit more challenging considering your background – but in Christ, all things are possible!
I do think it will be even more challenging to take off the “business woman persona” and switch to “godly wife mode” if you are in business together. But it can be done. You may have to set limits and boundaries about when you talk about work and when you don’t. And you may want to actually change clothes from “work” into “wife” clothing that makes you feel very feminine and beautiful.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! God is definitely teaching you to have to learn to trust Him and your husband and to give up control. That is a blessing if you are able to embrace it and learn to hold everything but Jesus loosely in your hands and allow God to move things and plan things and allow Him to be sovereign, realizing you are not! The pregnancy hormones can make that lesson much more difficult. So, you will need to give yourself plenty of grace here!
You may enjoy checking out some of my Youtube videos as well. (And there are MANY, MANY posts here that will help you on this journey. Check out the ones at the top of my home page first.) My Youtube channel is “April Cassidy.”
Can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you!
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Hello April,
My name is Ashley and I am 20 years old. I am seeking and striving to follow Jesus, and have been married to a wonderful man who is also seeking to follow Jesus for about seven months now, and it didn’t take me long to realize how very little I knew about marriage, and that I couldn’t go through the journey without Jesus there to guide me through it. I desperately started seeking council not only from God’s word but from other sources who were focused on living a Christ centered life and using their marriages to honour Jesus. That is when I stumbled across your YouTube channel, and I just know It was by the hand of God that he led me to start watching your videos and reading your blog. Your videos have certainly been edifying me and revealing different aspects about marriage, and revealing things about myself that I didn’t realize before. I know I’m only a young wife, but I desperately want to learn starting now on how to be a God fearing wife and mother, and so I’m very blessed to have come across your channel. I just wanted to briefly introduce myself and let you know that God is using your videos greatly in my walk with Him! I pray you continue to put out videos and also wanted to request prayer from you and anyone who reads this for my walk with Jesus and for my marriage. Thanks so much and God bless!
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Ashley Kristen,
What a blessing that you are seeking God’s power, wisdom, and His pathway so early in your marriage! WOOHOO! That makes my day! Sadly, when I got married at 21, there was no internet yet. So I couldn’t google for help! And no Youtube. That would have been such a blessing!
I praise God for what He is doing in your life already and that your heart is open to hear and seek to obey His voice. I pray that He might continue the good work He has begun in you to completion and that He might draw you closer to Himself, deeper into faith, and further into fervent prayer. May your life bring Him great joy and glory, my precious sister!
Much love!
April
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Hi April,
I am really blessed having come across your website, it has been an eye opener and I am working on my behaviours/attitudes towards my husband. Its been a month since I am practicing your teachings. I would like to know as to how I confront/respond when you are falsely accused. I have not responded but I am afraid if this will be treated as pride / attitude. My husband always says stop replying and goes frenzy to the point of beating me up when I try to express myself and tell him as to where he has gone wrong.
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Mable,
Please, please seek godly help! Your situation is dangerous and I would love to see you find godly, experienced, biblical counsel. If you are not safe, you may need to get somewhere safe. Respect is always something we can do for our husbands to honor Christ, but it is not at all ok for your husband to beat you up!!!
My blog may not be as helpful for women in abusive situations. Sometimes women in these situations think they hear me say to stay and take abuse. I don’t ever say that! But I think you will need more specific resources for this difficult and painful situation.
I pray for healing for you both! Please seek help ASAP!
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I just found your blog tonight. Love it! I have a question that I would like help with but would prefer not to have this posted online as to the personal nature.
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Shannon,
If you would prefer, I can delete your comment once I read it. Would that work?
With love,
April
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Thanks so much for your prompt reply. I’ll certainly make an effort to change clothes and having different wardrobes
makes sense to me. I have to say my husband is a big fan of dresses and always comments when I look more feminine.
Things have moved so fast since we married it’s a lot of change, but I love my husband more than I imagined I could and I really want this to be the best it can be.
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Cathy,
You are most welcome. ๐ Praying for God to show you how you can most bless, honor, cherish, love and respect your husband for His glory. ๐
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Thank you so much for your blog. It is the best I have come across on this subject.
My wife, her sister, and her mother are the three very most disrespectful wives I know. It’s extremely difficult for me, especially since they feed off of each other. To be fair, I don’t think they realize how disrespectful they are or can be at times. But it’s the hardest thing in the world for me to experience.
I will encourage my wife to check out your blog, even though she will see it as an attempt on my part to control her or change her.
The bigger issue in all this is how the disrespectful, defiant, dismissive behavior and blatant disregard for my authority is affecting our kids. It makes me sad to see the looks of confusion on their faces when Mommy contradicts Daddy, Auntie makes fun of Daddy and Mommy laughs rather than defends him, Nana takes Mommy’s side against Daddy, or Daddy is accused of some nefarious motive or behavior.
It’s very painful, poisonous to my soul and my kids are learning bad habits that I am afraid will affect them for the rest of their lives.
Please keep up the good work. I know your message is powerful and true to God’s Word and undoubtedly helps many women and marriages.
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Dan,
Most disrespectful wives have no idea what they are doing and how disrespectful they are. Or, if they do know, they believe they are justified to cause pain and to undermine and disrespect their husbands because they feel unloved. Of course, God’s commands for wives to respect and biblically submit to their husbands is unconditional, just like His command to husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her is unconditional.
Disrespect is absolutely contagious among women and it is often learned in the woman’s family of origin.
You may want to search my home page for “respecting our husbands as fathers.” I have two posts, I think, that address exactly what you are describing.
If your wife should be willing to read any of my posts, some other ones that she may need to see are:
– people pleasing
– control and boundaries
– using guilt to manipulate
– why playing the martyr repels those we love
– bitterness
– expectations
– do not expect outside support
Praying for God’s wisdom for you and for His healing for you both and your SIL and MIL and children as well as your marriage. May God be greatly glorified in your. Arrange and family!
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Dear April,
Sorry to be back so soon! Having decided to do my best with the respectful wife thing I didn’t expect to have such a huge decision put in front of me so quickly. I’m reeling.
Last night my husband asked if I’d please consider giving up work and my business and staying at home. He really was very lovely about it, said he loves me being there and wants to spend more time with me, (he also travels a lot with his work) he wants me to be more relaxed and focused on doing a great job of bringing up our baby and support him in other business ventures. It would also take the pressure off him as his job is very demanding also.
There is a huge story of overcoming the odds to build my businesses and becoming a successful lawyer which I won’t go into here. It just seems like such a waste. I’ve always believed so strongly in using your talents. To just stop :0) (and believe me my talents do not lie in being at home)
The plan had been to have a couple of months off, be flexible with work and get a nanny to fill in the gaps.
It petrifies me to even think of giving up this part of me. He’s certainly not demanding it but I know that’s what he’d like. I just don’t know if I can do that. Apart from that I have no idea how I’d explain the backflip to fiends / clients and colleagues. I can’t think of a bigger ask. My automatic approach is to try and ‘negotiate’ a less dramatic deal, but then I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do.
I’d love you thoughts.
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Cathy,
Wow!
Many women would be ecstatic to be in your position. I know I would be!!! For me, this kind of offer would be a dream come true. I personally work part time as a pharmacist because my husband has asked me to continue doing that. Even though I would much rather be home all the time.
This is something you will have to wrestle with with God personally. Maybe you can thank your husband and tell him how much you appreciate his generous offer and ask for some time to pray about it. You may want to read The Life Ready Woman by Shaunti Feldhahn. It could be useful to help you determine what God’s priorities for you are.
Honoring your husband and being a blessing to your family and being there with them is never a waste in my book or in God’s economy.
I think it will be important to examine your motives and question where your identity comes from – being a child of God, or being a lawyer and being in the business world?
What other people think is not really important at all. You can say, “my husband asked me to be home, and that is where I want to be for awhile.” Or you can just say, “this is what my husband and I decided would be best for our family for now.”
This doesn’t mean you will never practice your profession again.
You can ask for what you want. But, I pray you might carefully and very thoroughly pray over this to determine if this might be what God desires you to do? Many times, He will ask us to give up what is most precious to us in this world so that we humbly trust Him and seek His will above our own.
Maybe there is a compromise you would both be happy with. Or, maybe you would love being home if you realize that this may be an opportunity from God.
I don’t know the answer for you. But I would encourage you to think about whether this might be a good gift from God and pray fervently about it and seek God’s will and His wisdom above your own.
Much love!
April
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Hi ๐
Your site is huge and I plan on reading it all but there is just to much for one day so if you have already answered this question I apologize.
Anyway I have a hard time dealing with my husbands drinking. He can be rude and vulgar but not physically abusive his personality changes and I don’t like who e becomes I try to tell him that he is letting evil spirits into his body but he doesn’t agree and doesn’t believe this is what god wants of him I try to be submissive but I find it very difficult because he can cause a lot ALOT of pain. I am told that my choices are to leave him or put up with him and I don’t believe those should be my only choices or maybe I just hate the fact I have to face it I don’t know what I need I’ve been going to god pretty continuously but starting to believe that maybe I didn’t choose a good leader and it hurts me to think this ….. Can you help me deal with this ?
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Kristen,
It is such a pleasure to meet you! ๐
Yes, it is absolutely too much for one day! You can’t begin to absorb all of it that soon, anyway. It will probably take months. ๐
I am very excited that you want to honor God and honor your husband and show godly biblical submission and respect to your husband. It is an amazing, sometimes very painful, but beautiful journey as we learn to become the women God has called and commanded us to be!
What is your relationship with Christ?
What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?
How much is he drinking?
Is he an alcoholic?
Much love to you!
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Thank you for your response and all your loving words and I feel honoured to be part of this wonderful blog ๐ I love god very much and talk to him daily of course there is always room for growth. My husbands has asked god into his heart but I believe he is what I’ve heard being called ” a dead christian” he doesn’t actively pray on his own and no longer associates with the people who has brought him to Christ although he used to do these things daily and depended on them. I believe he is an alcoholic although he is suppressing it at the moment because he has recently moved back in with me and our two children so he is drinking less often but i believe he is still an alcoholic. Anything else you would like to know ๐ thank you again for your time and love ๐
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Kristen,
If you don’t hear from me by tomorrow, please remind me. I want to share some more thing with you but am a bit tied up today. Praying for you!!!!!
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Kristen,
How severe is the drinking issue? Do you need to reach out for help with Al-Anon?
Do you need to involve a trusted pastor or Christian, Bible-based counselor?
If he is truly an alcoholic, this may be more than you can handle on your own.
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Dear April,
I am a muslim (yup) and was very surprised when I read a few things on your website. Example, submission to husband and honoring him etc… These are similar to our customs.
I have been reading about criticism (online) about Islam (especially regarding women and their treatment) from atheists and so called jews and so called Christians. They think Islam ill treats women because we have to be submissive.
I don’t really know much about the sects in Christianity so forgive my ignorance. I am curious to know about your belief and culture. Please enlighten me.
Thanks and best regards,
A muslim sister.
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Katinas,
It is such a pleasure to meet you! ๐
Goodness, I think that what you are asking could fill several books! But let me give it a try. ๐ Great questions!
There are, unfortunately, divisions in Christianity. That is not what Jesus designed, though. That is a human thing.
The basics of Christianity:
– There is one God. He is the Creator of the universe. He is completely holy. He is incapable of sin. He is completely good. He is love. He is just. He cannot ignore sin.
– God made people to be perfect in the Garden of Eden. But He also gave them a free will to chose Him or to reject Him. When Adam and Eve chose to rebel against God, He promised right then that He would send a Savior in the future.
– The entire Old Testament was preparing for the coming of the Messiah – the Savior – the Christ. The sacrificial system and the Law were there to help God’s people obey Him and be in right relationship with Him. But, in their own power, they were unable to walk in obedience and they continually fell into sin. God would punish them for their sin. They would repent. He would forgive and restore them. The cycle went on and on.
– God knew that people could never live up to His holy and righteous standards of perfection. According to Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” And according to Romans 6:23, “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God, through Christ Jesus, is eternal life.” What we deserve when we sin, is death. Death means, separation from God – in hell. That is what we all deserve, what we all have “earned” for ourselves in God’s sight.
But God loved His creations dearly and could not bear for them to be helpless and powerless to be in right relationship with Him. He doesn’t want anyone to perish but all to repent and come to Him and live. So, He, Himself, laid aside His glory in heaven and put on a human body and lived on earth as Jesus for 33 years. Jesus IS God. He is equal to God because He IS God. (John 14:1-8) He lived the sinless, perfect life that none of us could live. Then, even more amazingly, He willingly allowed Himself to be our sin offering. He stood in our place and absorbed in Himself all of His own wrath against our sin. He died in our stead. Then He brought Himself to life again 3 days later when He was resurrected from the dead. He conquered death on our behalf.
So, the way one becomes a Christian (a Christ follower), is that I acknowledge that I am a wretched sinner. There is nothing good enough in me to impress or please God. My best efforts at being “good” look like “filthy, bloody, menstrual rags” to God (Isaiah 64:6). I cannot earn God’s favor. I cannot earn God’s approval. I cannot do enough good to outweigh my massive sin debt to God. And God cannot ignore my sin. I can receive the gift of Jesus’ death on my behalf. This is grace. This is the unmerited and undeserved favor of God. I did NOTHING to deserve God’s favor. Jesus did EVERYTHING. But I can receive forgiveness for my sins through Jesus’ death. Jesus can save me from my sins. So He is my Savior. When I put my faith in Him, God then looks at me and sees Jesus. He sees Jesus’ perfect life instead of my imperfect one. He sees Jesus’ death that I deserved. And He sees Jesus living in me now. But many people who say they are Christians today just pray a prayer to ask Jesus to forgive them, but they don’t yield and submit themselves completely to Him. They live just like the world. There hearts are not changed. When Jesus enters a person’s life, they are changed. Radically. Jesus radically changed me about 5.5 years ago when He revealed the depths of my sin to me. Then I repented and then I submitted myself fully to Him as LORD of my life.
Once a person is fully submitted to God, His Spirit empowers them to walk in obedience to His Word. It is not about me working hard enough or trying hard enough or doing enough things. It is about what Jesus did for me on the cross and it is about what Jesus does in me every day now. He gives me a new heart and mind. He begins to tear out all the old sinful, worldly ways of thinking. He changes my desires. He helps me become more like HIm. More and more, I hate the sin that He hates. And more and more, I love Him more than anything else in the universe and I love others with His love. Those are the two Greatest Commandments Christ gave us – to love God with all our hearts, souls, minds and strength and to love others with God’s love.
We can have total assurance that God will receive us into heaven when we die when we receive what Jesus did for us and when we then yield our lives fully to Him. It is all about what He has done. Not about us being “good enough.”
I am sure that you can understand that many Christians have been heavily influenced by the world, and, sadly, that many people who claim Christ today do not actually live in submission to Him as LORD. Humans are always tempted to want to pridefully try to earn their own way to God. So there are divisions of Christianity where this is preached. If you go to church X number of times and give a tithe and do X, Y and Z, then you are “good” and you will go to heaven. This is NOT the gospel. Actually, this is how almost every other religion on the planet operates. It tries to make people good enough for God.
But the One God of the universe does not accept this. Jesus declared, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father but through Me.” John 14:6 God wants us all to repent and turn from our sin and to come to Him. The only way we can do that is through Christ and His death on the cross. We cannot be good enough or do enough good things to pay for our mountain of sin that we each have in our lives.
The Bible clearly teaches wives to submit to their husbands in Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18, I Peter 3:1-6 and Titus 2:3-5. You can go to http://www.biblehub.org to look these up. My copy and paste function is not working. ๐ฆ One problem is that feminism infiltrated the church in the West over the past 100+ years. Feminism undermined the authority of God, the authority of God’s Word, the authority structure of the family and the authority structure of the church. So, the church has become more and more like the world and has strayed very far from the Bible and the commands of God. ๐ฆ This completely breaks my heart! How I pray that God might send a Great Awakening so that we might humbly repent of our sin and return with all our hearts to Him!
The passage in Ephesians 5:22-33 is God’s design for marriage. In it, He reveals that His primary purpose and intention in marriage is to display the incredible intimacy between Christ Jesus and His church. The husband is to represent Christ’s selfless, sacrificial love and humble, servant hearted leadership. The wife is to represent the church’s love, adoration, reverence and submission to Christ as Lord. Marriage is to be a living picture of Jesus and His love for His people that should draw many to Christ, especially the couple’s children.
Most professing Christians today reject the Bible’s teaching about women respecting their husbands and submitting to them. Families and marriages are failing because of this sin. ๐ฆ
In God’s economy, when we are walking in full submission to Him and because of our love, reverence and submission to Him, we respect and submit to our husbands, we open the floodgates of heaven to bless our husbands, our marriages and our children. We don’t lose power. We gain the power of God in our marriages. We do lose the power of our sinful nature to criticize, lecture, tear down, destroy, wound and control our husbands. True. But that is no loss! We gain the power of God’s Spirit to have His supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
You may be interested to read the comments on the two posts from this week about submission to Christ and to our husbands and to hear many wives share how God has blessed them when they submitted to their husbands and obey the Bible.
Much love to you! ๐ You are most welcome here!
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Hi again ! ๐
His addiction can very but he has caused issues with police, child services, his work, and with our friends, it has also been a larger contributor to many of his most hurtful sins towards me most frequently verbal attacks. He comes from a family of alcoholics as well. I want to be submissive but I don’t think it’s not right to be fully submissive I’m confused, we do not live together at the moment for these reasons but I want more then anything to have my family back. And he never asks me to sin but he will try to have me support his habits in some way like money ( which I don’t ) or taking care of the children when he goes out which I don’t agree with but have no other choice ( especially because it’s often at night when I work so I pay for sitters) we do see a christian councillor through name canada but we haven’t seen them as much as I would like do to there business and summer holidays I have an appointment with focus on the family on Monday over the telephone as well. Since he has finally realized that drinking has caused a lot of issues he has cut down but I fear that these things will happen again or progress to be even worse. How should I respond when he chooses to drink ? Should I be submissive Untill he learns ? Or should I withdrawl more and more to prevent being hurt ? I noticed he learned a lot after he left me and our children for seven months because of the reactions of his “friends ” were similar to mine and a girl he liked wouldn’t date him partially for his drinking I’m confused of what god wants from me and no one seems to have an answer but to leave which I will not do I don’t even know what to ask you really … Just confused beyond words …
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kxdx,
I am not sure that any person can give you “what you should do.” I think that this will require very careful prayer and great sensitivity to God’s Spirit. I think there may be times you may be able to submit to him. But I also think it is possible that if he is drinking and not in his right mind that there may be times you are not safe with him. I believe it is also very possible you may need some help to guide you through this – a godly counselor that is experienced with alcoholism. The Salvation Army may be able to help with this.
Praying for God’s wisdom for you!
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I wanted to add as well that some of my reactions are do to fear, but the fear is very real and I can trust god ? I think I’m trusting god ? But I am scared history will repeat itself ? I know god is there for me but at te same time I can’t just sit there and pray and not take action myself ? Or am I playing god ? I really don’t know ? I’m trying ?
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kxdx,
I don’t think you can necessarily trust your husband right now. I do believe you can trust God. God can give you wisdom about when to wait and when to act. Only His Spirit knows what is best in every possible scenario.
Do you have a godly mentoring wife you can talk to?
How is your walk with Christ going?
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Thank you for your response ๐ my walk with faith is going well and yes I have a lady with name canada I can talk to and I’m working on building friendships as I have recently moved to a new city. The reason It sounds like I’m struggling is only because i was confused if I was fully trusting god because I act out of fear at times. I’m sure I’m fine it’s just the situation I’m in ๐
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i dont understand how your site works and how to respond to comments
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Marc,
You can respond on the post. Or, if you have commented already, and you receive an email response, you can respond via email.
I removed the comment where you asked about where to post, my apologies if I created confusion!
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Hello there sweet lady!!! My name is Mikayla Rasmussen. My fiance and I’s relationship almost came to a crashing and devastating end here recently. The enemy nearly destroyed the life that we shared,our beautiful love and what God had planned for our future……and it was MOSTLY MY FAULT. I admit it. I have spent almost an entire month in my bedroom, weeping, crying out for forgiveness, searching God’s Word for answers and help, reading books on Godly wives and spent hours in fervent prayer with Our Father in Heaven. I NEED YOU TO MAKE A CHANGE IN ME…..I kept repeating.
Well, GOD IS GOOD!!!!! He heard my heart’s cries and knew my deepest heart’s desire. He came to my rescue. God enlightened me and caused a real awakening in my mind and heart. A rebirth, so to speak……. and YOUR videos?!! I came across them on YouTube one afternoon and tears fell as I just sat in awe. I watched one after another and I could not avoid feeling moved to share this with you. Is there anyway we can email? I have some thoughts, some questions and some ideas. I’d like to partner with you in some way, if possible, or I may just start a blog myself that reviews your videos, one that gives my own take and own experience to support your topics and belief. I am super excited and have high hopes…..as not to distract or TAKE from your ministry here, but to ENRICH it and support you along the way! Or maybe just a bit of advice on getting started! Please pray about it and if you feel led……contact me at your earliest convenience!
Thank you so much April and take care! YOU are doing amazing works for Christ! YOU ARE an inspiration.
In HIS Love~ Mikayla
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You know what, Mikayla? Notes like this from wives all over the world bring me more joy than just about anything in this world! You are such an answer to my prayers! What God is doing in you is exactly what I have prayed He would do in the hearts of my Christian sisters in every nation. THANK YOU for sharing what God has done in your heart and life. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for you and how He will bring great glory to Himself in your life and in your future marriage! WOOHOO!
I can’t wait to hear more about your story!
Thank you VERY much for sharing! I am in awe of all that God is doing – and that He would be willing to use me to play a small part in it. May Jesus Christ be greatly exalted! ๐
Much love,
April
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HI there, I have a question about the TV issue. How do you deal with TV/children. I don’t want my children watching so much TV, but I want them to be able to spend time with their daddy.
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Sarah,
Great question!
You can search my home page for “TV” – I think there are two or three posts about it.
And also, you can search my home page for “respecting our husbands as fathers.”
My husband watches a lot of TV. I personally wouldn’t own a tv if I lived alone. Wwe have “family tv night” a lot, especially during the summer, and we watch shows we all like (often things about science or animals) together and talk as we watch. My children are 7 and 12 right now.
If I still haven’t answered your question, please let me know! ๐
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Evening,
Was wondering if you would be interested in posting my short film titled “Missed” It basically shows what the day in the life of a Husband is like when the love of his life is gone. Here is the link to it:
If it is good for your site, then great. If not, then I at least hope you enjoyed viewing it.
Thank you,
Tom England
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I’m so lost. There are so many levels I feel are falling apart and I don’t know if the problem is my husband, or me.
I have some small things that are just eating away at me, and when I approached my husband about them and he tells me I’m being “untrusting” “insecure” or just “silly”, then continues on with the behavior or does the behavior now behind my back, it makes me feel like he doesn’t value my feelings.
Examples:
1. About a year ago there is a female at my husbands work that had an inappropriate relationship with my husbands married coworker. I am friends with his friends wife, so I heard all the hurt this caused that family. The woman (young adult) since then has been an attention seeker. Making comments about her personal sexual appearance, talking to married men about how sexy she is.
I expressed my dislike about him being “friends” with her. He ended up deleting her from his fb. Well I have since found out that he has still been friends with her, just not telling me. Then to find out they talk on fb in private messages. I think he’s being deceitful by keeping this from me since he knows how I feel about her.
2. We were on a road trip and he asked me to look something up on his phone. Well porn popped up. I was devastated. I explained how I felt, and got the typical excuse “guys are visual, its normal”. But said he wouldn’t look anymore. But when he got a new phone and I transferred his stuff from the old one, there in the history was porn…3-4 times a week.
3. This past week was his birthday, a young woman wrote on his wall, one he goes goo goo over every time we see her. He responds to her post with an “love you” . again just crushed. why would he think its okay to tell another woman he loves her?
When I asked him, he tells me Im looking for reasons to argue. Then tells me he doesn’t love her like a man loves a wife. and shes just a kid. (shes 24) but she is the same age as the girls in the porn he likes to look at.
HELP ME!!!
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Wife,
Oh, my precious girl!!!! ๐ฆ
I can feel your pain, and I certainly understand why you are not feeling valued.
How long have you been married?
What was your parents’ marriage like?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
What is your relationship with Christ?
What is his relationship with Christ?
Is there a godly mentoring man in his life?
Do you have a godly mentoring wife?
Please check out this post by thejoyfilledwife, and let’s talk some more about what is going on. I will do my best to point you to Jesus Christ, His Word, His healing, His power and His great hope! There is every reason for hope in Him! ๐
Much love!
April
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Thank you for the practical advice. I am about to be married after being single for 20 years and I want to be a peaceful wife.
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Dear April,
I want to share with you my particular situation, and ask for your prayer and insight if you can. Almost five years ago, our then 19 yr. old daughter told us she was intimately involved with her girlfriend. At first we prayed together, tried to regulate her late night texting, and her seeing this friend alone. It was not a week before she ended up leaving for good. Long, long story short, this has really come between my husband and I in the past, and I feel is still a hidden resentment towards him in my heart.
We have been married almost 29 years. We have three sons as well, and grandchildren. We were both Christians when we married and raised our children with church, scripture, prayer, and discipline. And of course lots of mistakes. According to 1cor.5:9-12, when a fellow believer is involved in a sexually immoral sin, we are not even supposed to eat with them. This is the stance we have taken with our daughter. Ugly, huh? Actually, it’s much more complex than that. My husband thinks when he is close enough to God to have something to say with power, he will be able to. I wrote lots of letters that never got sent because he was not satisfied with content or my motive. We did have conversations with her in the past, and even tried Christian counseling initially for us and then she came a couple times, but nothing with positive results.
I have had waves in the past of thinking about her and it breaks my heart and I will try to have conversations with him that always turn out badly. He is very hurt and angry and has not been able to get past his feelings, although he will tell me I can’t send a letter because he wants to protect her from my feelings. In short, I have to weigh the result the emotional trauma resulting from conversation will have on me with whether or not it’s the right time or way to approach him with concerns.
I’ve read a couple books and sought input in ways that I could, he is uncomfortable I think with anything other than a total transformation/reunion scenario. I have considered that God leads through my husband and his preventing/discouraging contact with her could be for the best. I have looked at the reality of idolatry of my kids in my own heart, and with your help from various posts, along with prayer and other resources, am trying to have God work on me. We are recent empty nesters, I am in menopause, and am bi-polar (although I don’t think of this as my identity, it’s worth mentioning…I take meds for 22 yrs) my husband has tended towards being dominant, I have been one to avoid conflict and keep peace.
I would like to have a relationship with my daughter. I never thought homosexuality was not sin, I never did not love her. I feel as though I have been forced to radically prove my loyalty and choose between obeying God by obeying my husband, and having my daughter in my life. Sometimes I think I have built walls or deadened parts of myself just to exist. I appreciate your blog, you have great insight and a gift for encouragement. Is waiting on God, seeking him alone, and praying all I can do? Yes, I’ve fasted too…I can’t do anything to ‘move Gods hand’ or my husbands, and my motives are always under scrutiny from others and myself. I just don’t know if what I want is what’s best, or how to resolve the conflict in my own heart and life. It’s really too much whenever I begin to dwell on things without any action or communication. Thanks for listening.
Notdoneyet
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Notdoneyet,
How my heart breaks for the pain your entire family is going through. ๐ฆ
This is SUCH a difficult situation with your precious daughter. I think for fathers especially, this particular issue is a very painful thing.
Mamas tend to get caught in the middle sometimes. We want to stay connected with our children. We want to show them God’s love, mercy and grace. But when our husband makes a decision to shun a child, it puts a wife in an extremely tough situation.
We are commanded by God to honor our husbands, to respect them and to submit to them as to the Lord. If a husband is asking his wife to clearly sin, she may have grounds not to submit. For more on that issue, please check out “Spiritual Authority.”
When a husband takes a seemingly quite harsh stance on a child’s sin, it can seem like unbearable torture for a wife/mom.
I’m very encouraged that you are seeking to honor your husband’s leadership and that you are trusting God to lead you through your husband. You do have some particularly frustrating challenges if you are in menopause and also working through bi-polar.
When is the last time you have been able to speak to your daughter?
Do you ever hear from her?
What has your husband said to her?
Of course you want a relationship with your precious girl! That is not wrong – to love your daughter and to want to be able to talk with her and hear from her and be involved in her life.
But you are in a situation where you may have to reject your husband and his authority in the family in order to do that. Of course, the consequences of a decision like that could be devastating.
Can God change your husband’s heart? Yes. He can. Can God change your daughter’s heart? Yes. He can.
I am praying that God might open your daughter’s eyes to her great need for Christ and that she might receive Him as her Savior and Lord and yield her life in full submission to Jesus. I also pray for God to give your husband wisdom.
What does he say when you try to share your heart with him?
What do you do and say when he says you can’t send a letter?
I am so thankful we serve a God who is able to take big messes and turn them into something glorious!
Much love!
April
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Sorry, I know this is way too much for this blog. I get desperate to resolve these unresolvable things. I am trying really hard to focus on Christ and my hope is in him. It’s hard to trust sometimes.
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Notdoneyet,
Your issue is not exactly the same, but, there are wives facing similar issues with husbands saying that the family is not going to see certain extended family members until the family members are able to treat the husband with respect on these posts:
– Extended family
– A Husband and Wife Handle a Controlling Mother as a Team
What are your greatest fears?
What are you having a hard time laying down before God?
Are you able to let go of the resentment?
You may want to search “bitterness” and “forgiveness” on my home page, as well.
Sending you the BIGGEST HUG, my precious sister!
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Thank you, I will look those up. I used to think my biggest fear was someone close to me dying. I think I also fear not being loved, not being accepted, that I’ll never be happy, that I am missing God, that I can’t believe enough or endure enough, that my daughter needs me, that she’ll never get over this separation between us, that my husband will never be big enough to extend himself to assure her or me of his love, wow! That’s a lot. More I’m sure.
It’s funny, God actually prepared me some before we found out…I was agonizing in prayer over her and not knowing how to talk to her and feeling the lack in myself. I really felt like He had me spiritually give her up with the awareness that I was laying something down and it was with much anguish of spirit and tears. I didn’t understand then, but when I look back I think it was his faithfulness because he knew already, and wanted me to let go somehow. April I knew I was expecting with her from the night I conceived, and knew she was a girl. Sometimes I ask myself, if God knit us together and spoke to me in these ways, he would not take her away for ever! I still have a hard time ‘being happy’ with my husband when she is on my mind. I battle pride and anger as well as unforgiveness and resentment at times. I need major heart surgery! At first one time, I was feeling thankful she wasn’t here while he was in a tirade, not getting all of that put on her. I know it’s not healthy. I am studying God’s sovereignty right now reading Trusting God Even When Life’s Hard. I feel like I’ve been so intense and serious for these years! I hope change is coming soon. Hugs to you sister.
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Hi April. I am writing primarily because I saw your testimony on the Headcovering Movement website. I was excited not only to find your blog but to see that you are in Columbia! I’m in Augusta, GA – not very far. It was encouraging for me to read your testimony on the HM page.
I know that you have said at the beginning of this page that you simply don’t have time to email with everyone, but there are some questions I’d like to ask regarding covering. I’d prefer to not ask them on an online forum, as they are more personal; comment threads have a tendency to get out of control. Is there any opportunity for dialogue? If not, I completely understand.
Blessings!
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Hi, I have a question for you, have you ever been jealous of your husband during those 19 years you spoke about in some of your discussions? If so how did you over come it?
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Martha,
Hi! Great to hear from you. ๐
Have I been jealous of him – as in, him flirting or spending time with other women? No – He really doesn’t do that.
Jealous for his time? Yes. I was jealous of the computer and the tv and even the cat many times earlier in our marriage – that he was giving his attention to those things and not to me.
I’m not sure if I am answering your question. You’ll have to let me know.
The way I overcame that kind of jealousy was to lay down all of my expectations completely of my husband and to be thankful for any good thing that he did and to dwell on the Philippians 4:8 things as God transformed my heart, mind and soul. I learned to find all of my contentment in Christ alone.
Much love!
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Hi April
I have been watching your videos and reading your posts and I have felt such a need to tell you how your understanding of the Bible has touched me. I’m a person who responds well to structure and facts and I just feel that you have put so much time and energy into really reading and understanding… I’m not sure how to put across what I mean but I really respect you and your knowledge. I want to thank you.
i am struggling with an issue at the moment and I’m struggling to understand what the Bible says about this issue. If you are ever able to take emails again i would like to ask your thoughts and understanding about it. However just listening to you has given me encouragement to put more energy into really understanding, not just reading.
Thank you
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Sarah,
My prayer is that God might speak through me, that He might use me to point women to Himself and to His Word. I’m so thankful He is working in your heart!
Would you consider sharing just in general about the issue? Or, you can let me know that you would like me to flag your posts to require moderation, and I can leave the post unapproved and just respond in a general way?
Much love to you!
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April, I love (and share) your passion to encourage marriages. Do you ever accept guest posts?
Sharon
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Sharon,
I do accept guest posts at times! Would you like to send me a post to consider?
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How long am I going to be “learning wife” ugh I am so discouraged. When will me and hubby ever get it right? It’s been a rough few days.
and last night I confronted my husband about being on his phone constantly,(craigs list, games, facebook ect.) and how it hurts my feelings. He told me I was acting like his mother, he’s a grown man and can be on his phone if he wants, and says he’s not sinning, and then he said something that shot to the heart, “did it ever occur to you if you weren’t the way you are I wouldn’t be on my phone so much!”
Ouch…
The way I am? You mean the way I do your laundry, your cleaning, your cooking, your assisting in anyway you need at work (youth minister), your personal anything, pretty much the way I am everything you need at anytime you need it!? Seriously…
I am spending the day away from the house, away from him so he can have some space and may do the same thing tomorrow.
April I am really getting discouraged and feel walked all over. I already passed quiet phase.
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Learning Wife,
I’m so glad to hear from you! ๐
We are ALL learning until the day we leave this world, my precious friend!
What did you say to him exactly and in what tone?
Is it possible that you were attempting to control him or mother him? Or did you simply share your feelings and then allow him to make his own decision?
What does he mean “the way you are”? Do you know?
What does he see when he sees you? Are you angry, bitter, resentful?
What does your facial expression usually look like?
What is it that you believe you need to be happy?
How is your time with God going?
What are you doing to take care of you?
Sending you a HUGE, HUGE hug, my precious sister!
Are you spending time away to think and pray and ask God to reveal anything He wants to change in your heart? Or are you trying to hurt your husband? What do you hope to accomplish?
How do fights usually go? Do you talk about things later? Do you pretend nothing happened? Do you expect him to come groveling at your feet?
What is your goal for your marriage, my friend?
What is your goal for your walk with Christ?
Much love!
April
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April,
These are all questions I needed to be asked. I’ve been spending time praying to God and listening to Him today. I know He has spoken some truth into my heart since I wrote you:(
But what I said to him was “you are going to have to find something else to do all day, you’re racking up our data charges. I don’t know what’s been with you lately or why you are on your phone 24/7. Am I that boring that you have to find something else to do? You came into the bedroom to ask me a question while your face was still buried in your phone the whole time! This hurts my feelings bc I feel like you are not paying attention to me.”- it wasn’t the best tone l voice. I was rude. Probably with a bad look on my face: (
“The way I am” I would assume is complaining, worrying, nagging, as I have done a few times in the past 2 weeks.
When my husband sees me I think sometimes he sees the woman he loves and adores. But sometimes when I’m holding the things of this world too closely (affection, attention, money etc.) I become worrisome naggy and controlling. I guess he also sees this side of me sometimes. Thank God he is very forgiving and usually let’s all my bad qualities go. But i’ve noticed recently he is keeping things from me… like money decisions he’s making or different things he buys for the house, emails where he’s trying to get a small loan. (We just moved into a new house and I want to save money, but he wants new things for the house, like a hot tub and stuff) I know he is hiding this from me bc he doesn’t want to hear my mouth and what I have to say about these decisions I don’t agree with but he is in charge of finances. This still hurts me even though I know why he does it. I may have a little resentment built up for the things he’s been hiding.. even though this is wrong on his part I know if I was more respectful he wouldn’t feel the need to hide things.
Anyways, fights usually aren’t that bad, we each say a few hurtful things but they result in DAYS of us not talking much and avoiding each other and it takes DAYS till we are back to how we normally are. I like to talk about it right away but when I do he blows up. He’s much more civil to talk about it at least a day later.
I guess what I was trying to accomplish is him to want to get off his phone and spend time with me. This season of our lives with no children won’t be here forever and I want us to enjoy it, thinking the way I have been acting is going to make that happen was so stupid on my part.!!
While I was spending alone time this morning and praying about last night, I received a terrible phone call.. when we moved I had to give my dog to a friend, I had been texting her asking for pics and stuff and never got them, turns out my dog got out and was taken to a shelter and kept there for 5 days and then was euthanized (put to sleep) 2 days ago… I was/am devastated. I called my husband to tell him and we had a brief conversation about this and he comforted me the best he could after a fight… he was mad at the lady who lost the dog then told me he loved me and we got off the phone. I was wondering why this is all happening!?
It may seem silly but I loved my dog so much. ๐ฆ
Well I remember my prayer from a few days ago… I asked God to make me broken so I can be close to Him bc I know he is near to the broken hearted and I wanted to feel close to him, I asked him to strip things from my life and my heart that are ahead of him. My marriage is definitely one of those things. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t marry a man who has more emotion or who meets my emotional needs the way I think he should, or a man who is more sensitive and loving and then I also remember praying God would use my marriage to make me Holy not Happy!
Its hard but God is working in my heart, in my life, even if he has to take things away he’s doing it bc He wants to be number 1! And you know what even though it hurts I am okay with it bc I want Him to be number 1!
I realize if my life and marriage were so incredibly great I wouldn’t feel I need God as much. I am unfortunately just that type of person. I guess some people can have it all and still have great relationships with God maybe? But I need to be reminded every day HE ALONE is enough. I need to stop putting my husband, money, happiness, anything ahead of Him! I pray I can continue TRYING my hardest to hold the things of this world loosely so that if God decides to take them away, I will be ok.
My goal for my marriage changes every so often. Sometimes it’s happiness and that leaves me drained and unhappy. Sometimes it’s The Glory of God. That hurts a little at first but always leaves me Feeling fulfilled, only the way Jesus can. I guess that’s why I’m the learning wife, bc I’m so inconsistent. I pray God will forgive me of that and continue to make a good work in me until the end when He comes, and I believe He will. Thank you for letting me vent on your page. And Thank you for asking the questions I need to answer to bring myself back to reality! That My goal is to please and obey God! He is enough for me! And always will be! This is always about me and Jesus! I pray I can quit forgetting this, I know it will be a journey, and I have faith that with Christ’s help, I will have the strength to do so.
Thank you so much for everything.
Praying for all wives on here and praising God for you April and your blog! I’ve needed it so much. Our 1 year anniversary is this Sept.22, 2014, i started the respectful wife journey March 2014.
Much love!!! May God bless you and your family abundantly! ๐
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Learningwife,
Let’s take what you told your husband for starters:
But what I said to him was โyou are going to have to find something else to do all day, youโre racking up our data charges. I donโt know whatโs been with you lately or why you are on your phone 24/7. Am I that boring that you have to find something else to do? You came into the bedroom to ask me a question while your face was still buried in your phone the whole time! This hurts my feelings bc I feel like you are not paying attention to me.โ- it wasnโt the best tone l voice. I was rude. Probably with a bad look on my face: (
Since you have been praying about it, what has God shown you about how you could have approached him?
What things specifically in this paragraph were disrespectful, in your view at this point?
If your goal is that you want to get him off his phone – how do you think you might approach him next time in a way that might reward him, attract him, delight him and bless him instead of disrespecting him?
Some men do need a few days to calm down. If you try to approach them while they are still processing, things can escalate.
Have you apologized for your disrespect?
I am SO VERY sorry about your dog! That would be devastating. ๐ฆ Dogs are such precious companions. I have lost a cat before, and I cried for days. I think to lose a dog would be even harder. I am so very sorry for your loss! I’m glad that you were able to talk with your husband about that and I am encouraged that he tried to comfort you.
I think you actually have a really great guy, there!
Almost every woman I have ever met is tempted to put her husband, her marriage, romance, her feelings, her will and being in control in front of Jesus. We do it and don’t even realize it until we are seething with disappointment and bitterness – and then we still think if we just could have what we want, we would be happy! Of course, we wouldn’t be. We are insatiable. Only Jesus can fill us. ๐
I think that sometimes what we really want is for our husbands to be just like women. To think like us. To feel like us. To have the same priorities and perspective we have. But, even though it seems awesome to think about having a much more emotionally in-touch husband – the truth is, none of us would want a woman for a husband. Or even a feminine man. We married our husbands because we wanted MEN. And then we get angry that they are men and that they think and feel like men. I have been there and done that so many times! Now, I try to remember that I wanted a MAN. And I have a man. It is GOOD that we are so different and that he is not feminine. And it is good for me not to be masculine. I used to behave in masculine ways and that was not a good fit for me or for my husband. That’s for sure!
Yes, God will use these differences to force us to depend on Him to learn to make marriage work and to learn to find our satisfaction, fulfillment, contentment, peace and joy in Him alone. ๐
I love your heart for Christ! It is so beautiful!
ALL of us are that type of person. Almost every time we as people get what we want, we forget God and focus on the gifts and ourselves. You can see that all through the Old Testament, too.
There are some prayers I have been praying for over 20 years in my marriage – things that I believe are God’s will – that are still not answered yet. And you know what it forces me to do, it forces me to depend on God. I actually can see that if my husband met all my spiritual needs (or a lot of them), I could easily begin to shift my faith and trust from Jesus to my husband. That would be a disaster. The fact that my husband doesn’t do everything I would like him to spiritually makes me have to lay down my dreams and desires and focus on Jesus alone. And it makes me see that He is enough. It forces me to experience the sufficiency of Christ. That is actually a great blessing.
This is not really about trying harder – it is about trusting God more and more and about trusting self and earthly things and other people less and less. As you become more and more empowered by the Holy Spirit, it is He who works in you to make it possible for you to hold the world loosely. As you love Jesus more and more and know Him more and more, the things of this world “become strangely dim.”
You know what? You ARE growing. I can see it in what you are writing. I can see God working powerfully in you for His glory. ๐
This fills my heart with joy, to see God working in you like this. It makes my day!
I never get tired of watching God work in people. It is the most beautiful thing ever. I can’t believe that I get the honor of getting to see Him creating His masterpieces in other women’s lives. He has given me a front row virtual seat – and I am in awe of Him. Total awe and amazement.
Sometimes, we just need someone to love us and to ask the hard questions and to point us to Jesus and His Word.
Yes, this is a lifelong journey. It is an exciting adventure!
Happy anniversary in just a few days!
You know what, it makes me cry to think that you are getting the chance to learn this stuff in your first year of marriage. Our first year was pretty awful – largely due to my disrespect, idolatry, pride, self-righteousness, lack of faith in God, unrealistic expectations, lack of understanding of God’s design for marriage, lack of understanding of Greg and men in general… It was a VERY, VERY painful time. God did not wake me up until 14.5 years of that had gone on in my life.
What an incredible blessing to get to learn this stuff so early in your marriage! It IS painful. But doing things God’s way and being pruned by Him now is MUCH LESS PAINFUL than living with the consequences of years or decades of sin.
Much love to you! May God richly bless your walk with Him, your marriage, your husband and your family for His greatest glory!
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April,
I think about that sometimes… it is hard for me to wrap my mind around it when you say 14.5 years. Wow. You are right. I can’t believe I have taken that for granted, that God is revealing to me this stuff so early. I always say that God never wastes our pain. He uses yours and your husbands pain during those 14.5 years to help other hurting women, and I know he helps men. Praise God he didn’t waste those years and they are being used as such a great testimony. I also will read some of these other woman’s comments and stories and am reminded how truly blessed I am by my husband, when some of these women are struggling so bad with their husbands and some of their husbands behavior. It is just another reminder of what a selfish sinner I am and how much I am I need of my Savior.
I have not apologized yet.. I am trying to figure out what to say and how to apologize.. I want to pray about it first, he just got home..
Last night I was faced with a choice and I knew it. I almost didn’t say anything about the phone. I almost went up to him to kiss him goodnight and tell him I love him and praise him for a great job he did earlier that night (his first big event at work) and then I was going to go to bed. Even though the phone was bothering me, I know that if I had had a better attitude, a sweet, feminine and respectable tone of voice, maybe that would have made him want to get off the phone and jump in bed with me! But at the last moment I was tempted by Satan.. and I fell for it, and I went the other way. I chose the other route. And now I am regretting it and repenting to God like always. That Is why I say I need to try harder.. with my self control, but after what you said.. I’m realizing if I stop putting so much pressure on self… if I stop thinking I am holy spirit and I can fix this… if I stop doing that and just start truly loving the Lord with all my heart soul and mind and start truly laying every thing down and TRUSTING in Him fully, then all these things will be added to me *Matthew 6:33
I get what your saying about marrying a MAN. and come to think of it, I broke up with boyfriends in the past for this very reason!(wow) I too, like you use to, can act masculine sometimes. I know that is very unattractive to my husband!:(
I think ALL of what I said was disrespectful, to be honest I don’t think it was something I really needed to bring up in the first place. I am so very remorseful for my words, I wish I could just take them back. My words can be so hurtful sometimes.
God has revealed to me what I said earlier about what I’m focusing on, trying and not trusting, my trust has always been my less strong point, because I can be so controlling. He also showed me the scriptures about thinking about what is right and good and pure, he showed me the fruits of the spirit in Galatians. I am going to focus more on all Jesus is and less on what I think my husband is not!
Thank you for your response and your time. .
If you have any suggestions on approaching my husband tonight with an apology I would love that! He is always receptive to apologies and hates when I explain why I did what I did! Lol I need to keep That part out.. I need prayer to let God’s holy spirit fill me and guide me,
Much love April! !!
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Learningwife,
I was so mortified when God opened my eyes and I realized how long I had been sinning and how much I had sinned against God and my husband. I begged God, “WHY? Why didn’t You open my eyes that first summer we were married in 1994???” I wanted to erase those 14.5 years. I wanted to go live in a cave and never speak to another human being ever again.
But I understand why now. God is using my decade and a half of sin and rebellion against Him and His grace toward me to lead thousands of wives to Himself. It was not wasted at all. ๐
You do have a wonderful man. You are not suffering in your marriage nearly to the degree that many, many wives are.
I would love for you to start a list of all the things you love, admire and respect about your husband. You can add to it every day, listing things he does for you that you appreciate, or qualities that you are thankful for. ๐ Read it often. Thank and praise God for your husband daily. ๐
I really wish you had chosen the first choice – would have been a good one!
Yep. All of what you said there was disrespectful.
Trust is where we all are weak. We all want control ourselves. In marriage, we are guaranteed that we will want to control our husbands as wives, it was part of the curse on Eve.
Have you already apologized?
Much love!
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April,
I think it would be a great idea for me to start this list! I need reminders, to focus on ALL the good in him. Sometimes I feel like a failure as a wife when I read prov 31 and scriptures like that but I know I can turn it around with God’s strength and help. I have apologized to my hubby. I still feel some resentment or bitterness creep up here and there bc he still got the bike, but I try to not focus on this one thing when there are many great things.. after all I would hate for him to focus on only my bad qualities!
So I will stay fast on this journey, learning to trust God more until my ONLY desire is to please Him, obey Him, and to bless my husband all the days of his life.
You don’t know how your blog and your words have helped April. You’re truly a blessing!!
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How are you okay with the terrible stuff God caused to happen to you? You sought His wisdom about marrying your husband, and instead of giving it to you He put you in a situation that caused you years of heartbreak, rejection, struggle, and loneliness. I asked His protection for my unborn child and got a fatal preterm diagnosis instead. I begged and cried and pleaded for years for a miracle that would allow me to stay home with my kids – which I thought was my one true calling in life – but it was never to be. Why would you trust a God who does those things? Please don’t bother telling me that He can ordain things without causing them, because the Bible makes clear His claims to omnipotence and repeated demands of credit for all kinds of terrible acts.
How can you love a God like this? How can I?
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Why,
My precious girl!!!! How I wish I could hug your neck and cry with you! I am so very sorry about your sweet baby. ๐ฆ That breaks my heart!!!!! And I am so sorry to hear that you haven’t been able to stay home – that was always a dream of mine, as well.
Disease, disasters and death were not God’s will or His plan for the creatures He made in love. People chose to sin. Adam and Eve had perfection with no sorrow, disease, death or pain. Sin has astronomical consequences. Because sin is in the world, we have these awful, terrible, tragic situations. We are all living under the curse.
In my particular case, my own sin brought about the loneliness, heartbreak and rejection in my marriage. My own pride, self-righteousness, bitterness, resentment, idolatry of self, idolatry of wanting control, etc… repelled my husband. Sin hurts people! It hurt Greg. It hurt me. It hurt God. It hurt our children. I cannot possibly blame my suffering in my situation on anyone but myself and my ignorance and lack of understanding. But, God, in His great mercy, radically changed me, healed our marriage, radically changed my husband and is now using those years of my sin and rebellion against Him to draw thousands of women to Himself. I am in total AWE of Him and His goodness.
I can love Him because I got to know Him. As you get to know Him, you realize that there is no evil in God. That He is fully trustworthy. That being in the center of His will is the place where there is supernatural joy, peace, fulfillment, strength, love, acceptance, power, blessing and spiritual abundance. He is the Greatest Treasure there is. He is worthy of any sacrifice on my behalf. His wisdom is infinitely higher than mine.
The scary thing to me now is not trusting God – it is that I didn’t trust God for so long and trusted my sinful self!
I hope we can continue this conversation. You are most welcome here. Would you like to share a bit about your relationship with Christ? Your fears? Your questions and concerns? I will do my best to point you to the love of Jesus and His Word, and to love you. I am happy to walk beside you on this journey. ๐
Much love to you!
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Why,
PS – all I have to do is look at the cross to see the depths of the unfathomable love of God for me. Look what He was willing to do for you! Live as a human – in suffering and poverty. He lived the perfect life you could not live. He died the death you and I deserved because of our sins. He took our place so that we do not have to be separated from God but that we can have peace with Him and be with Him forever in heaven! How can you not trust a God who is willing to die in your place while you still regarded Him as an enemy? That is what He has done for us all!
Under His wings, you will find such shelter. I pray you might begin to see Him for who He really is – God as He presents Himself in the Bible. And that you might see that you can trust Him and that you might experience the riches of the spiritual treasures of heaven and abandon Life He longs to give you.
Much love!
April
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Thanks for your response. I grew up in the church and was into Calvinist theology for a while, until I realized I don’t know how to feel love for a God who made my son to die (He knit him together in my womb, after all) or who gave me a purpose in life that I wanted more than anything, only to keep it from me. I’ve felt for years now that I was living the wrong life, unable to do what I thought I was “supposed” to do, which was stay home with my kids. I never stopped wanting it and it has never stopped hurting me that I can’t do it. Trying to get close to God just reopens the wounds. I feel like He does not care that my life is wasted and actually wants me to be happy about that waste, wants me to love Him, and I can’t. I can’t deal with accepting the way things are, and I no longer pray because I figure it’s a crapshoot anyway. I believe He has the power to grant any request, but He might just decide to let people keep on suffering. Meantime, He expects not only obedience, but love. I cannot comprehend it.
I’m not saying I’m innocent or sinless. Much of what you said about your own sin resonated with me. But I can’t help feeling that accepting my situation is a tacit admission that it will never change, and that is far too painful to contemplate – especially as the years I’ve lost with my kids keep adding up.
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Why,
It sounds like you feel really disappointed in God, maybe angry and resentful? You have been through some really tough things. A lot of grief and pain. ๐ฆ How long ago did your sweet baby boy die, my friend?
What are the things you believe you need to be happy and content in this life?
What is it that God could do that would cause you to trust Him?
What sin is in your life?
What are your expectations of God?
What do you believe about God’s character and nature?
What do you believe about the Bible being true?
Much love to you! And the biggest hug!!!!!!!!!
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Why,
Oh! And, what is your husband’s relationship with Christ, please? And how has he responded to what has happened?
What does he say about you being at home?
How is your marriage going?
Much love,
April
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Why,
My precious sister, I understand if you don’t want to answer, or if you need time to answer.
I invite you to listen to as many of David Platt’s sermons or John Piper’s sermons as you can about the character of God.
I believe with all my heart that as you come to know God – as He truly is and as He presents Himself in Scripture – you will find the answers that you seek and you will find that He is a blessed refuge, a source of help in time of trouble, and that He is able to bring much beauty from ashes and joy from mourning. He is able to heal your heart. He is able to flood your soul with His peace, joy, goodness and abundant spiritual life. The more you know Him and as you begin to truly trust Him, your fears will melt away.
I know there may be a time of wrestling before you can trust. But I pray you will wrestle and seek Him with all your heart and not delay!
Sending you a hug today and praying for you, my friend!
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Thank you for thinking of me and praying for me. I’ve been thinking and am finding your questions difficult to answer with specifics, but I’ll say what I can.
Our son was stillborn fourteen years ago, about a year after we were married. I thought I’d worked through it at the time, but I didn’t anticipate how his death would change my views on life, God, etc over time. My husband never completely got over it either, and it’s one of his charges against God’s goodness and caring. That list got longer when he was diagnosed with a chronic, debilitating disease and our daughter was diagnosed with a different disease shortly after that. So I work to provide for us and to cover health insurance, but that doesn’t make it any easier when my youngest begs me to stay home. There are other things, too – things he and I have done to each other over the years that have taken their toll. Some of that has gotten better but it’s still a struggle.
I want to take my girls to church again, but I don’t know what answers we would find there and I’m tired of crying every time I go. I don’t know what to tell my 11-year-old when she asks me why she has to have this disease. I just…don’t know. I guess I want the pain to stop and I want to be with my kids and that’s pretty much it, really. But I’ve felt for a long time that whenever I try to get close to God He wants me to just accept my situation and the pain that goes with it, and I can’t bear to do that. The thought that I’ll never get to do what I truly wanted and believed I was supposed to do sometimes makes me want to kill myself. But I won’t, because of my girls. So I try to forget by indulging what sins I can.
Still thinking about your questions, but that’s all I can manage for now.
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Why,
I am very glad that you are not planning to kill yourself. My precious girl!!!!!!! I hate that you even entertain that thought. I just want to cry with you and hug your neck!!!!!!
I understand that some of these questions are difficult. It’s ok if you can’t answer all of them right away. I’m not going anywhere. ๐
I don’t want to pressure you or go too quickly. I want to be very gentle with you. I can just feel the immense pain and woundedness in your heart and soul. I want to hold your heart very tenderly and only whisper to you. I see that your heart is in shreds. And I don’t want to cause you any more pain.
I’m happy to walk beside you on this journey. I’m happy to love you and pray with you. I care very much about your pain, about you, about your husband and marriage and about your sweet daughter. I care about your relationship with Christ. I care about your depression and fear. You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to continue on in this despair. There is so much hope and there is healing available to you. We can hash through these difficult things together.
I picture you as being in a dungeon. That is where we all start. That is where I started. My dungeon was a bit different from yours. But I was still trapped, just like you are. Right now, you are imprisoned by many of your beliefs about God and about your circumstances. I believe this is where the enemy of your soul wants you. He wants to destroy and hurt you. He is the only one who is happy about where you are right now spiritually and emotionally. And he wants to keep you in complete and utter despair.
Thankfully, the door to your prison is being opened today. Your shackles are falling off. If you are willing, you and I can walk together out into the light and truth of who God is and into His freedom, peace, joy and the abundant spiritual life Jesus has provided already for you.
It’s totally your call. You can stay where you are in your misery. But you don’t have to any more.
As you are ready, we will slowly begin to peel back the layers of lies and unbiblical ideas that have you so very trapped. And we will take baby steps together toward recognizing the lies and replacing them with the truth of God’s Word that can bring you LIFE.
I love you already, my sweet friend. I’m going to sit right beside you, and put my arm around you, and as you are ready, we will stand up together and take a little step at a time.
With love,
April
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Why,
Here is a post that may bless you. A wife’s story who experienced tragedy and grief and was very upset with God, and He healed her.
Much love!
April
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Hi April,
First of all, thank you so much for all the wonderful advices you give in this blog. You are such a godly woman and an example as a wife ( I watched your youtube videos and they helped me a lot).
I would need your personal advice on my situation.I am a christian and my husband believes in God. We both met on a missionary trip, he was in Bible school and I was staffing in Children Ministry. We both fell in love at first sight. I loved his fire for God and his love for others. He was just the most inspiring person I have ever met. We started dating when I was eighteen and by the age of nineteen we were married. During the first two years of our marriage, I did not know how to be independent. I had no idea how to cook a meal , clean a house, or fill paperwork by myself. I am not from America and moved here right away after getting married ( I followed him as he is from the US). I did not know the culture and it was very difficult for me to socialize. All of these factors have been a strain on my relationship with my husband.
I learned a lot these three years and even if I am not quite there yet, I know how to do things mostly by myself. Now, My husband is an engineer and I am still a college student.
During these three years, we have been fighting almost every week if not every days. I have to say I did not know how to respect him. My parents had a very troubled relationship and the most of it was fighting. My husband is also from a family with issues. His parents are still together, but his father had emotionally and physically abused both his son and his wife ( sometimes we still have phone calls of his mom crying). From two broken homes, it is very difficult to know how to love each other. We both thought loving God was enough to have a good marriage. We went to marriage counselling with our pastors, and had christian couples mentoring us. Our pastors and mentors got discouraged. Obviously their advises were great, however we struggled a lot to apply them.
We both had bad habits and progressed to have better ones. I used to raise my voice during arguments and he would hit me in return (growing up, the only sign of affection he has seen from his dad is his belt). The relationship was both emotionally and physically abusive. I finally talked to one of my close christian female friends. Her husband had a talk with my husband. He promised to not hit me anymore and He has never hit me again. Anger is his biggest struggle. Although he does not hit me anymore, he is very hurting with his words and threaten me to divorce me for every fight. Divorce is not an option for me, until death tear us apart I want to work things out.
The most recurrent reproaches I have during our fights is always the same: you donโt help me enough. My friendโs wives are better than you. You are ugly. You donโt know how to do anything. You are even worst than your mom. I want to divorce you and find someone better. Get out of this house, I donโt want to see your face. Even though, he apologizes and say that he was just angry. I am starting to think that โhe really thinks these stuffโ. I am far from being perfect and I know I need to be a better helper. He takes entirely responsibility for the paperwork and our budget.He also pays for a good part of my tuition ( I also work part time). I feel guilty about all of this, and I do my best to learn.
Since I have discovered your blog, God has talked to me a lot and told me to love him unconditionally and expect nothing in return. I try my best to respect him and make him feel special. I leave him nice notes on his breakfast that I am so proud of him. Surprise him with his favorite meals. However, he pretty much get sarcastic about the little things I try to do for him. His sense of humor can be great but sometimes hurtful. I have the impress he enjoys making fun of me and it is a habit to always place a sarcasm next to โthank youโ. I tried to confront him nicely, however it would always end up with a fight.
I love this man deeply and our dating experience was amazing. He was so romantic and used to make me feel so special. He was someone who had a good relationship with others and God. Now, he does not want to go to church with me, doesnโt like the fact I am going. He does not like Christians that much and calls most of them โhypocritesโ. Although, he says he has still a good relationship with God. God still talks to him and all he wants is to keep his belief private.
I am a little bit confused on what to do. How to gain my husbandโs love back. I feel so guilty because those years of fighting have turned him bitter against me. We have tried pretty much everything. Please give me advises on how to love him and respect him best. Sorry for the length of this message, it is just I do not to whom I can talk about these things.
Thank you so much and God bless you,
Lila
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Lila,
Oh goodness! What a difficult story. And what poor examples you both had. No wonder things have been so hard and painful!
Hitting you is NEVER ok. Never. I’m very glad that he repented of that.
What do you say when he says these very hateful things to you about divorce and the negative things about you? (what did you say before and how do you respond now?)
Your husband may say that he is close to God – but here is what God’s Word says (and it is important that each of us evaluate ourselves when we read this passage as well):
We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. 4 Whoever says, โI know him,โ but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. 5 But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did. Dear friends, I am not writing you a new command but an old one, which you have had since the beginning. This old command is the message you have heard. 8 Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and in you, because the darkness is passing and the true light is already shining. Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them. I John 2:3-11
And
For this is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brotherโs were righteous. Do not be surprised, my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God 22 and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. The one who keeps Godโs commands lives in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.
I John 3:11-24
Jesus said, “If anyone loves Me, he will obey My commandments… Anyone who does not obey My commandments does not love Me.” John 14:22,24
We cannot know your husband’s soul and his relationship with God. All we can see is the fruit. But, it may be wise to assume he is far from God right now, and to realize that I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s assignment for you.
You can check my home page on the right under categories – there are some about winning our husbands without a word, being married to unbelievers, etc.. that may be helpful.
And you may just want to scroll through the archives, I believe there are many posts here that may bless you.
How is your walk with Christ?
Do you believe you are safe now?
Do you still have a godly mentor? What are they saying you need to focus on?
If you haven’t already, please check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect.
Sometimes, husbands are not very supportive in the beginning of a wife’s journey to become a godly wife, because they don’t believe their wives can change. Please check out this post.
Praying for you both! My greatest prayer is for you to focus on Christ. As you are closer to Him and empowered by Him, and as He radically transforms your heart, mind and soul, He will give you the strength to be the wife God desires you to be.
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Lila,
I think I may have an idea of what might be going on from your description.
Sometimes, as wives change and become more Christlike and stop sinning against their husbands, husbands get upset. They sometimes WANT to make their wives sin against them so that they can continue to blame their wives for all of the problems in the marriage and continue to justify their own sinful behavior.
When you stop sinning against him, or greatly reduce disrespect and you are treating him with respect and honor, he is forced to begin to look at the sin in his own life. That is PAINFUL. So, he has to find a way to blame his sin on you. If he can find something that is your fault, then he can keep focusing on how you are the problem and he is not part of the problem. But as you continue to live a holy life and to honor Him and obey God and show respect and have the joy and peace of Christ, he HAS to look at his own sinful motives and his own sinful heart. A lot of people don’t want to do that!
Don’t take the bait, my precious sister! This part may be painful – but it is worth it to continue becoming the godly wife God desires you to be. God is dealing with your husband. It may be rough for awhile until he repents to God and to you.
Does he have any mental health issues or addictions? Did he witness abuse or was he abused as a child?
I am going to set your response so that it will not be approved and it will remain private.
Much love!
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Lila,
I meant to give you a post to check out…
I am Trying to Respect and Submit but My Husband Is More Unloving Than Ever! What Is Going On?
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I stumbled across your blog this weekend and have been incredibly blessed! You have such wisdom and godly counsel regarding marriage and God’s will for marriages and dating. I am an older woman (48) who is single and has never married BUT I have fallen in love with an amazing godly widower who is actually a pastor of a large church. I am humbled and over-whelmed at what God may be calling me to in the future as his wife. We are headed towards marriage but recently, now that the initial romance and excitement has cooled, I have found myself withdraw, pout and even feel resentment when I perceive he’s no longer pursuing me like he used to ..or that my needs for attention and emotional connection aren’t being met. And the sad part is it’s causing him to pull back some from the relationship. But praise God that I am devouring your blog and video teachings just in the nick of time! I desperately needed your reminder that no man can never meet my needs and desires…I have to put them all on Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’m believing it’s not too late to turn my situation around and if it’s God’s will to become the “good thing” my dear man has found. You are a blessing!
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Hi, i do have a question. is there any advice you can give in regards to helping children along this journey, primarily daughters? It has come to my attention that in my disrespect towards my husband, my oldest daughter has picked up on my behavior and has began disrespecting him as well. I see that i am the reason she learned these things from watching me treat him that way. I know this may be a bit off course from the peaceful wife journey but im unsure how to correct this, she is only 7 yrs old. I would like to thank you for creating this blog and allowing God to use you to show me as well as many other wives the errors of our ways. My journey has just began a week ago yet already my marriage has made a drastic shift in a positive way. I thank God for showing me to this blog and i thank you for creating it. May the Lord bless you for your service.
-Nicole
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Nicole,
If you have begun this journey yourself, that is the greatest thing you can do for your precious daughter, in my view!
My son was about 7 and my daughter about 2 when God opened my eyes to my disrespect and control. I talked with the kids quite a bit about how I had been wrong to disrespect Daddy and that God put Daddy in charge as the head of our home and we would be showing him proper respect from now on. I repented to them, to Greg, to God and to all of our extended family, too. My pride, self-righteousness, controlling behavior, bitterness and idolatry of self had poisoned all of my relationships.
I was amazed. I began focusing on speaking respectfully to and about Greg and began to uphold his decisions as a father. (You can search “respecting our husbands as fathers” on my home page for more.) I stopped my own disrespectful, prideful, bossy, complaining, negative speech. I began to praise and honor my husband with my words. My children almost immediately stopped their disrespect that they had learned from me and began to imitate my words, tone of voice and facial expressions. Talk about terrifying!!! I was in shock how much they imitated me. Wow.
You can gently reprimand her and correct her when she is disrespectful. You can say calmly, “Sweetheart, that sounded disrespectful. Would you try it again, please? Watch your tone this time. Thanks, honey!” Then praise her when she does it well.
Or, give her an example of how she could ask for something respectfully. “Honey, instead of whining, please ask in a pleasant tone of voice just one time. Then let daddy think about it. And we will pray God will give daddy wisdom. If he says “no,” that is ok. Thank him for considering your request and for loving you so much to do what he believes is best right now. We will trust that God knows best for us and is leading us through Daddy’s decisions. If he says, “yes,” please thank Daddy.
Or you can say, “simply ask for what you want in a friendly tone of voice one time.” And you can talk about being content no matter what the outcome.
You can also talk about why things that are disrespectful are disrespectful. “When you keep questioning Daddy like that over and over after he gave you an answer, that undermines his authority. Or that shows you don’t respect his authority and his decision. That is disrespectful.”
I hope some of these ideas might be helpful! Praying for God’s wisdom for you and your husband!
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Hi April,
We thought you may enjoy this 4-minute film about a wife confronting her unhappy marriage.
https://vimeo.com/105101621
Take care,
Michael
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Hi Peaceful Wife,
I happened upon your sites while looking up the topic of dealing with a disrespectful wife. One thing I’ve noticed is lacking from your coverage of the disrespect in marriage topic is the spiritual warfare dimension. There’s the Jezebel spirit at work in many of these cases. Sandie Freed has two good books addressing this topic: Breaking the Threefold Demonic Cord and the Jezebel Yoke.
These books will give you a bit more insight into two aspects of the problem including 1. How passiveness in husbands is the other side of the coin, operating in a co-dependent manner with the controlling/disrespectful spirit. 2. The generational nature of this problem – this evil runs in families.
I have seen firsthand how these spiritual forces have practically ruined my marriage and pretty much destroyed the last four generations in my family (grandparents, parents, siblings and cousins, nephews/nieces) and also 4 generations in my wife’s family.
Don’t stop at cleansing your heart from idols. Keep on going until your family line is fully redeemed from this evil.
Kind regards,
John S.
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John S.,
Thanks for bringing up spiritual warfare. I actually have run posts on this – but – it has been awhile.
My Demon
The Voice in His Head
How to Handle Spiritual Strongholds in Marriage
Why Satan Rejoices When You Hate Your Body
Nikka’s Story – Overcoming Spiritual Bondage
I do talk often about the enemy’s plans to tear down, steal, destroy and kill. And about our sinful nature and the importance of dying to self and understanding the doctrines in Romans 6-8. I also talk at length about submission to Christ – because as we submit fully to Christ and we resist the devil, he will flee.
I wanted so much to share the class notes I received from a minister/professor at our church about Spiritual Warfare, but he did not give me permission. Dr. Phil Steyne has two books that cover spiritual warfare in great detail.
However, I believe you are right that I could definitely spend some more time on this critical issue. I appreciate the resources. Thank you so much!
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John S.,
I do have many posts about feminism – which I believe is often spiritual warfare against “a Jezebel
spirit.” The ideals of many of the atheist feminists set themselves up to oppose the authority of God, the authority of His Word and those He has placed in God-given authority over His people – church leaders, government leaders, parents and husbands.
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I heard a radio program today that I thought you might really enjoy. http://www.familylife.com/audio
Thank you for your ministry & your willingness to serve God in this way.
Love in Christ,
Rebecca
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Thanks so much for this, Rebecca! ๐
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Dear April,
Let me first begin by thanking you so much for your ministry. I cant tell you how much it is helping me and my marriage. About a month ago..I was so desperate, frustrated, disrespectful, and resentful towards my husband. so I googled how to be a less controlling wife. I knew he wasn’t going to change and that I shouldn’t try to change him. I knew my expectations were wrong at some point and that I needed to Let Go of the control and let God change me. So after googling a lot and finding nothing that spoke to my heart, nothing with very much biblical foundation.. I came across your peaceful wife videos on youtube. And I 100% believe that it was DIVINE INTERVENTION that I did. I immediately felt like God was speaking to my heart through you. It was everything I needed to hear and so I began my journey to becoming a peaceful wife and I am still new on this journey but I am so ready to be the wife Jesus wants me to be. And God has already started a work in my heart and I am just so thankful for Him, His direction, and God using you to help myself and so many other women to be peaceful women of God. So thank you so much!
Now to my question. In short- How can I motivate my husband to work and to take care of our finances, in a peaceful respectful way? A little background- I am 24 years old and I have been married for a year and a half almost…. My husband’s job is 100% commission. So if he is in a slump which I think he is and unmotivated to work and overwhelmed how can i motivate him in a respectful way? This is so hard for me because in the past I would have been upfront with him and say things that I can see now are disrespectful and could hurt his pride or ego. When we first got married I was surprised that he wasnt more proactiv with bills and charges etc. I started monitoring our cards, and charges bills that were due and would remind him of these. At some point when after I reminded him and he still never got around to it I felt super hurt and fearful I felt like he didnt care about us or the future. I felt and still do struggle with feeling a lack of security. My husband is wonderful, he is very smart, and talented in so many ways. I do feel like finances is not his strong point though. I feel like he is very neglectful and would rather ignore bills until the very deadline because he gets so overwhelmed and just runs from it. I want him to let me help him but everytime I try in a peaceful way to help him or remind him kindly I feel like he is still offended and feels like I am being a bossy nag. How can I get him to delegate things over to me? I would love to help with the finances because he has so much on his plate but I feel like he doesnt want to let me help him because it will reveal some weakness in him and make him feel like less of a man. I have asked him in the past to allow me to help but yet I still feel like money is such a sore subject between us and that every time I ask if a bill was paid or how we are doing that the whole room gets tense and the whole night is ruined. I dont know what to do anymore or how to approach this. I dont want to bruise his ego but at the same time I want to feel secure too. Do I just completely give up and trust God on this matter? Do I ignore the declined credit cards and do I stop asking questions all together about money? I dont know what to do. I dont want to be disrespectful but I want to help him and us. Is that wrong? How can I address this matter to him without making him feel like a failure? And without taking away his Man Card. I am praying for wisdom and guidance…
Cant wait to hear back from you! God Bless!!!
-Anna
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Anna,
It is a pleasure to meet you! I praise God for what He is doing in your heart already! ๐
Does your husband have any mental health issues or addictions?
What does he want to do about handling the finances? Please search my home page for “money” and “finances”.
How does he respond when you try to monitor things or tell him what to do?
What does he say he wants or needs in the marriage?
Much love!!
April
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Hi April, thank you for your response.
My husband doesnt have any addictions..However he has been on a antidepressant since before we started dating so I think he has been on it for 4 or 5 years. He told me he got on it because of an injury that caused him to be depressed. But that every time he tried to get off the meds he feels awful and depressed again. Im not sure how many times he has tried to get off them or when because he wont openly share that info with me and he gets tense when i bring it up. Just like when i bring up his job or try to ask financial questions he gets super tense and usually ends up ignoring me (in a semi polite way) but when I’m asking questions nicely or trying to give him motivations i still get shut down. He just says I really dont want to talk about this now, thanks for your concern. And that is the end of the conversation. He never comes to me or opens up about it. He never wants to talk about it. He can be very secretive and without knowing anything about our finances or his job and how things are going I feel so uncertain about a lot of things he doesn’t share with me… Should I maybe encourage him to get off the antidepressants? I don’t think they are helping at all. Because he is still depressed, unmotivated a lot of the time and numb a lot of the time….
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and minister to the daughters of God. You are truly a blessing to direct us using God’s Word.
-Sister in Christ
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Anna,
I vote for you to pray for him and to pray for wisdom for your husband and for yourself. I have no idea if your husband should come off of anti-depressants. As a pharmacist, I can tell you that he would need to have the doctor’s help to taper off of most of them, because he may feel pretty awful for a few weeks as he gets off of them and it is dangerous to abruptly stop taking many anti-depressants.
But, God knows what is best and God is able to direct him and direct you in the best course of action.
Does he have a godly mentor he talks to?
How is your walk with Christ going?
Much love!
April
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Hi April,
Firstly I congratulate you for creating such a wonderful site and trying to show a way to many people. You are doing a great job.
I am an Indian house wife. I am not a christian but I believe that God is one and it is just only the difference how we call him in different religions. I am very much inspired going through your web site about being a godly wife. I just wanna confirm with you that this site is only for christians or others are welcome too. Please let me know so that I could post further.
Thanks & Regards,
A struggling Wife
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A Struggling Wife,
You are most welcome here. I will be upholding the truth of God’s Word, the Bible, here. But you are very welcome here and you are welcome to comment. ๐
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Hi April,
Thanks very much :). I have a small request to make which I want to make privately. So could you please let me regarding this.
Have a great time.
Thanks & Regards,
A struggling wife
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Dear April,
thank you so much for this, I thank God for showing me His will through your work.
I live in Croatia, Europe. I was listening to you on YouTube and talking to my friends about what I have learned and how that changed my marriage.
Some of my friends do not speak English, so they asked me if I could translate and write down what I’m listening from you.
I think that what you are doing is so improtant and I would be happy to translate it. I would always write down your name and the title, so that it would be clear that I am just translating it.
I just have to ask you first- what do you think about it?
Thank you so much for your answer.
Love, Irena
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Is there a way I can send you a private email? I have a rather burning question and I’ve tried to come up with a solution but can’t. Would appreciate your advice. (I am not in a position of danger or anything. But I’m really struggling with an issue here.
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Hi,
I’m from England, and I’ve just found your Blog. You have answered so many questions for me.
I also wanted to say what a lovely lady you seem, and your spirit really shines through! God bless you, this is wonderful work you are doing. xxx
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Kathryn,
Thank you so much for sharing with me! I’m thrilled to meet you. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you!
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Hello April! Your blog has been a blessing. I’m trying my hardest to be a submissive wife and I’m leaning on Jesus and hoping and praying that my husband fully opens his heart and soul to Jesus. Sometimes I feel so isolated from him that it hurts, but sometimes I find myself not caring… and that is worse than the pain I suppose! I recognize that God can heal all and my own journey to please Christ is one I must walk alone. I have learned, with the help of the bible and other sources such as your blog, that my own efforts and goals should not be contingent upon what my husband, or anyone else does. I must please God for the sole purpose of pleasing him. God bless you and your family!
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Ebony,
It sounds like you are on the right track, my precious sister!!!! I am so sorry for your pain. But I am really excited about what God is doing in your heart! I am right here if you want to talk. Much love and a BIG hug to you!
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Hi April,
Thanks again for sharing your stories.They are encouraging and uplifting to me and to many others, I’m sure !
May God continue bless your ministry !
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Hi April,
Could you please respond to my last post.
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Can you write an article about couples who have to deal with serious illnesses? My husband has never dealt with illness, but I have been dealing with serious conditions since I was 14 years old and it is very straining on our relationship. He met me the year I was diagnosed and treated for a brain tumor. I have had epilepsy ever since. Now I am 28 and he is 30. We have been married 10 years with 4 kids and I have also experienced a thyroid tumor which caused me to lose half of my thyroid and leaves me with a partially controlled thyroid condition on top of the epilepsy. It leaves me drained and emotional all the time. I do the best I can to manage it. It also cause weight fluctuations. I weigh 200 pounds, about 20 more than when we got married. Also, just a few weeks ago I started fainting. My endocrinologist did some tests and found that I have hypoglycemia. This causes me to feel even more tired and weak, like I can hardly make it to lunch time. I am trying to adjust my diet, but I feel hungry all the time to make up for the loss of sugar in my blood. I see that it’s wearing on him because he doesn’t show me affection anymore and never tells me he loves me. I feel ugly, unloved, and unwanted. We are both Christians and he claims he loves me. He has retracted from me. But I want to “see” his love. Life is really hard right now and I need his support. Can you write an article that will relate to what I’m going through? thanks a lot.
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Desperate,
Goodness! You have a lot going on. I hope that your endocrinologist can help you get the blood sugar and thyroid stabilized. That would make a big, big difference! If you don’t have your thyroid and blood sugar under control, you are going to have a tough, tough time with emotions, energy, depression and, of course, the passing out thing. That is not good. I am so sorry you are experiencing so many health issues!
My prayer is that you might, as I encourage all wives, find your acceptance, identity, purpose fulfillment, peace and joy in Christ alone. If you are looking to your husband to meet those needs, you will be disappointed whether you have disabilities and diseases or not.
I have a few posts that may be helpful. But, you may also want to check with Nina Roesner on her blog. She has a chronic health issue and occasionally writes about it, you may be able to ask her for a post about this. http://www.ninaroesner.wordpress.com
You can also search my home page for:
– idol
– idolatry
– discontentment
– contentment
– want my husband to love me
– feel unloved
Much love to you!!!!! ๐
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[ am so hurt,my husband had a affair 4 years ago,i found out he sent her money, bought gifts and everything,i feel she is laughing at me,at the time this was going on,he did not give me money,or anything,he beg me not to leave him,i love/hate him,if that makes any sense i am a Christian and he said he were also I can’t stop being hurt and angry with him,i yell at him I sleep on the edge of the bed,every time I look at him I see this woman laughing at me,calling me stupid! I cry all the time,i can’t believe he would do this too me.i try to forget about it sometimes but I don’t like being laugh at.i feel she won .
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Shirlene,
Oh no! Did your husband stop the affair and repent of his sin to God and to you?
What is your relationship with Christ like now?
Much love to you!
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Hi April,
I wanted to ask your advice. My 19 yo daughter went into the city with my 23 yo son and his girlfriend to spend the night wth a mutual friend living there at a college. My daughter’s 23 yo boyfriend was standing there with her when she asked permission. My husband asked if he (bf Cody) was going…He said no he had to go to work. Husband gave permission. Long story short he/they lied and he did go into the city and they all spent the night, sleeping together in same room. Husband agreed to handle it and confront bf about his disrespect, asking him not to come over or go anywhere in our daughter’s car for two weeks. Now husband is avoiding it and “forgetting” to talk to bf about it. How would you advise I deal with the issue….it doesn’t seem right that there are no consequences, yet on the other hand I don’t want to take over or manipulate. I would appreciate another perspective.
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Marked Wife,
I agree that I would want something to be done, also. That was inappropriate for them to all sleep in the same room, in my view. I don’t really want to see singles of the opposite sex staying in the same house alone, myself.
Your husband may be deciding how to handle it. He may feel unsure about what to do. Have you talked with him?
What are you praying about?
What have you said about the issue?
Have you talked with your 19 year old daughter or your 23 year old daughter?
I assume that y’all won’t let your 19 year old go off with him again?
I’m glad you aren’t charging ahead but want to wait on your husband’s leadership.
Much love!
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Thanks April,
yes husband and I talked. We had a similar episode about a year ago and I went over to bf’s house and had a conversation with bf and his mother in which I called the bf out for being so disrespectful to my husband. ..and asked that he not come to our house or be in our vehicles for a month…but I didn’t want to take that approach this time. It’s kinda like going to your husband’s boss and telling the boss he should give husband a raise…If husband cant/won’t do it but wife takes it upon herself, then it makes husband look all the worse.
Husband decided to tell bf he’s not allowed in our house or car for 2 weeks this time…but he keeps being “too busy” to go find boyfriend, keeps puting it off for “tomorrow” or “when I get back” (he is going hunting wed-sun). He has a long history of severe avoiding behavior. It makes me all the more anxious when he declares “I will take care of it tomorrow ” and then tomorrow comes and he has a new excuse.
Here is what i said: the longer you wait the less effective the discipline is. I said I had hoped that both of us have changed enough so that we can approach this in a different, more healthy way. I said if people lie to you, I feel you should confront them and make them feel uncomfortable about their behavior BUT also admitted that is just my own style and reaction and it doesn’t have to be his.
I have not talked to daughter as husband said he would handle it and I am trying very hard not to take matters back into my hands. But I am so fearful my husband will actually just continue to avoid it. I am trying very hard not to manipulate him into action but I so worry about my daughter thinking she got away with this, not to mention the boyfriend openly lying.
I pray that God will put his arms around me and his hand over my mouth! And I pray that God will strengthen husband as a leader and that the holy spirit will convict him to do something! Lol!
My two main issues are 1) worry that daughter will be hurt in the long run by husband’s failure to act 2) I can’t seem to find the right words to say I’m behind husband and believe in him.
Thanks for listening and helping me sort it out!
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Marked wife,
Did anything happen to your daughter that night?
I vote to pray for God’s wisdom for your husband and for His timing.
You can say, “thank you so much for handling the situation with our daguther’s boyfriend. I appreciate your willingness to protect our daughter so much.” And then keep praying for God’s wisdom and His will to be done. This may involve some waiting. That is ok.
And if he takes any action, be sure to thank and praise him for it and for his leadership and protection over your daughter. ๐
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Marked Wife,
So, I have been thinking about your situation… and here are my thoughts, for whatever they are worth: ๐
I really question whether attempting to discipline a 23 year old grown man who is not even your child would be effective whatsoever. Putting him on some kind of “temporary restriction” from your house may work if he is a teenager. Or putting your own teenager on restriction may be an effective method of discipline. But, I just don’t see where this method will be effective at “teaching him” to respect you and your husband.
I can understand telling him that y’all are disappointed and that you will not be allowing your 19 year old daughter to go places with him anymore.
Please keep in mind, too, that young adults today don’t, in general, have any qualms about people of the opposite sex sleeping in the same room. In fact, there are college dorm rooms where guys and girls are assigned to the same room or apartment these days. (Not that it should be that way, but it is.) So, he may not have the same convictions about this that you do. Is it possible that he really was going in to work, but got a call not to come in and it was an unavoidable necessity for him to be there that night? If so, that would be a different situation from him purposely lying.
Is the boyfriend a believer in Christ?
I continue to vote for patience – because, the discipline thing may truly not be an effective approach, and maybe God will inspire your husband with something that would be more effective while we wait and pray.
Much love!
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Thanks April,
You have a good point about trying to discipline the boyfriend…my control streak is Strong! The boyfriend (and our daughter) definitely had this planned (including packed suitcases) and tried to sneak the whole thing off. This young man is not a Christian. My son (23) and daughter (19) are Christians but as you can tell, they are not walking as closely with the Lord as they could, but then again, neither are husband and I.
Waiting on the Lord is hard but you are right about maybe God has something perfect/better that I can trust and wait for…sometimes God comes up with something that I would have never dreamed of in a million years and it fixes everything just right!
Also I realized that while I have fears about putting the reins into husband’s hands, I can remember that I am ultimately putting the reins in God’s hands. I can pray for God to take care of me and protect me through husband and through my obedience to God’s plan and God’s authority. Then I’m not quite so freaked out. ๐
Thank you for helping me think it through. I really appreciate it. I’ll keep praying, trusting and waiting! And thanks for the reinforcement in the battle!
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Marked Wife,
I think that y’all will have a responsibility to address this issue with your daughter. But, I am not sure that you have authority to discipline her boyfriend.
Yes, you are ultimately trusting God to lead you and your family through your husband.
Much love!
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My heart breaks even more when I read this blog because my husband divorced me and I would so love to be in a Godly marriage. It hurts to know my kids are missing out on seeing an example of Christian marriage in the home and the way a family should be. I was wondering if you know of any blog or book that might be helpful as I try to raise my 2 kids without their father. Thank you.
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Virginia,
My precious girl! I am so very sorry for your pain! How are things between you and your ex at this point?
I do think your children could benefit greatly from seeing you become the woman God desires you to be. Even if your husband is not there. And, they can observe you learn to not disrespect him and treat him with respect and honor his parenting decisions.
You can still benefit from the posts about godly femininity and about your walk with Christ and getting rid of disrespect and learning to respect. You can teach your children these things and talk about what god’s beautiful design is.
I am not aware at the moment of resources for this situation, but I am sure that there are quite a few. Praying for wisdom for you as you seek the best resources that will be the most Christ honoring. But most of all, I pray for you to be sensitive to God’s Spirit and to be willing to be obedient to Him right where you are right now. That is the most important thing, in my mind.
I pray for God’s wisdom and healing for you and your children as well as your ex husband. And I pray for God’s greatest glory in your lives!!!
You are most welcome here. ๐
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Thank you for your kind words, prayers, and advice. Unfortunately the relationship between my ex and I is not good. Without going into detail, it is impossible to have a relationship with him or for him to lead this family in any way. He made that clear when he physically walked out two years ago but emotionally left long before that. I know that God allowed this to happen though for our benefit as strange as that may sound. Before he left I pleaded and prayed like never before thinking God’s will was for us to remain married until finally I began to realize our marriage was not blessed in the first place. This was difficult to accept especially after being with him for so many years and I don’t quite understand it all but that’s okay. May God continue to bless you in your ministry to women.
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Virginia,
How I pray God might bring him to Himself!! Only God can open anyone’s eyes. That is for sure. I pray for God’s greatest glory in your ex husband’s life. I pray for healing for him. I pray for God’s wisdom and great sensitivity for you to hear His leading and direction as you seek to raise your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I pray for healing for you and your children. I also pray for God’s glory and for Him to accomplish His good purposes even in this painful trial. I can’t wait to see the beauty He plans to create in you.
Sending you a huge hug!!!
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Thank you so much! I don’t know why God has allowed what he has allowed regarding my former husband.It would be great if he could be healed though I don’t really have hope after so long. I think this is too big for me to understand. I appreciate your prayers.
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Hi April,
Just wanted to share a lightbulb moment I had yesterday during our adult Sunday school yesterday at church.I( Tis Monday here in Australia) we have been going thru a book by Jerry Bridges and yesterday’s topic was peace. And that if we do what pleases the Lord and we are a believer then God gives us His peace. For God is a God of peace. And that peace will be present thru our trials as well because we know He is in control. And then the light went on. If I truly believe Gods ways are right and perfect and He sees the future then it makes SENSE to trust Him. And that if our husband is a believer then surely it’s God who directs our husbands steps.so why not submit? It makes total sense!
They also discussed Christians make the mistake of keeping quiet just to keep the peace when biblically they should speak up. I explained to my husband in private later that day that it reminded me of marriages where the wife is dominant and everybody walks on eggshells around her. And he said wow! Great point. You SHOULD of brought that up! Which is a BIG thing for him to say.
So all this is happening unbeknownst to him while I’m reading your blog and Lori’s blog and for women only and other materials on the topic of biblical submission and now it’s feels like God has run me over with a Mack truck ( in a manner of speaking) so much to think about! My head is spinning. Submission makes sooo much logical sense. Do why do we stupidly hesitate for soo long to do it.???!!! Just how much female rebellion has affected the church/family and nation? Mind boggling to think about. Gods ways are right and He will give us peace when we follow His ways and submit to Him and our husbands. Who God Himself has chosen to lead us. ( in an earthly sense) even though in our humanness it’s scary at first. Or we feel foolish when other people mock us for submitting. ( what do they know anyway??!!)
Thanks for your blog. It looks like I am being told to step out in faith and submit.
Love in Christ,
Megan
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Megan,
Sure sounds exactly like what God showed me a few years ago. ๐ thank you for sharing your lightbulb moment. I think you are hearing God Very clearly. Yes, it does feel like being hit with a Mack truck at first, but soon, the peace of God floods your soul and you realize, it was all worth it. ๐
Love this!!! Woohoo!!
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Hi,
I wanted to ask a question on a different post, but it didn’t seem to have a comment box like this one does. Are some of the posts now closed to new comments?
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Dan,
Some of the older posts may not be accepting comments anymore. You are welcome to comment here. ๐
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Thanks! Ok, here’s goes…
Earlier this year, I began attending a different congregation. After several weeks, a young lady walked into bible class and sat by herself. Being rather new, I didn’t know whether she was a “visitor” like myself or a regular there. I didn’t get a chance to say anything to her right after class, but later found her in the auditorium, again sitting alone. So, I approached her and introduced myself, explaining I was a visitor and asked her some common questions about work, etc. I learned she was a regular there. While she wore a big smile and seemed happy to answer my questions, she didn’t follow up with any questions to me. She did smile big and say the usual “nice meeting you, see you around” as we parted. I always thought that if a lady is interested, she should ask you at least one question about yourself. So, I chalked it up to my being of zero interest to her.
Eventually, I discovered she apparently has someone there she has been dating. I then wondered if she hadn’t asked me anything that day out of concern of how it might look if her beau found out. So again, I tried to just forget about her. Some time went by and one morning after worship concluded, our eyes met as we came down opposite halls toward the foyer (she didn’t have any guy with her). And then I soon saw her alone in bible class again. With the way it is in church when 2 people have been dating (i.e, hard for them to get to know any other potential romantic interests even if they wanted to), I just wonder….was I correct in interpreting her not asking me anything as a sure sign of “not interested”? Should a guy always interpret a lady not asking questions back in a first meeting as a sign of lack of interest?
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Dan,
That is a great question. But, I don’t know that there is a one-size-fits-all answer. It could mean that she is seeing someone. It could be that it is a girl’s personality or that she is shy. I think it would be impossible to know for sure about a girl’s level of interest just based on whether or not she asked questions about you, as well.
Those are my thoughts, for what they are worth. ๐
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Thanks so much for the thoughtful feedback. It sounds like I may have given up too quickly. I will keep praying about it, make more of an effort to speak with her, and see what develops.
I appreciate what you’re doing here on your blogs. ๐
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April,
How I wish had known about your site sooner– I wish that I had known (or I guess I should say accepted/understood) a lot sooner. My husband and I have been married just under a year. It is a second marriage for both of us and I came to the marriage with four amazing daughters to whom he is a great dad. My husband left us on Friday, not a word, not a note– When I texted after he missed our 9 year old’s school performance he sent back that he had got some things and would find a place to stay. I sent hurtful things back– my focus being on him not even telling me anything– if he needed time *he should have* and other accusatory statements The next day, and the only time I have talked to him since… we spent 50 minutes on the phone and I think I went through all of my hurt and confusion and there was a lot of silence and when I kept pressuring to know what on earth was going on he indicated “we don’t work” “we don’t understand each other” and even though in counseling I learned that we have to validate… I immediately argued “but I do know you!” And the truth is I don’t… but I want so much to. I love this man and he is a good man. I sought out a christian counselor whom I saw Monday who also better helped me to see how things that I hadn’t even necessarily perceived as disrespectful cut my husband down. I saw our regular therapist on Tuesday (whom I think I will discontinue seeing as he seemed to want to make sure that I brace myself for the real possibility my husband just decides “no”). I began to think about how I do see respect– and in my years growing up it was a big deal– and it was always earned– and when I say earned I do not say it lightly… I have made some major mistakes in my marriage– in part due to my own stubborn and hard-heartedness, and others due to a very incorrect view of respect in marriage. My parents (who have resided with us) have become increasingly critical and I know that this could not have been easier for my husband. Even though he has not responded I had a difficult conversation with them and we came to the understanding (after them telling me that I was selfish for choosing to give my husband any more chances and that it was harmful to my daughters) that they respect my wishes but not my choice and they will find another place to live if/when my husband returns home (my mother made sure to point out that he hasn’t even called me) This has been the hardest week of my life and I see how we got here and I want so desperately to be able to work on our marriage and have the God honoring covenant that we began. I have told the girls that he is working on some things in his heart and right now needs to do that away from us but its hard because they are asking if he will be at their birthday dinners (this monday), mini dance recital (saturday morning) and… Christmas. What do I say? For the past two days I have worked to only text “good morning I love you, I believe in us” and “I love you, hope your day was good, not giving up” etc. I keep thinking he needs this time and space but the complete silence, not even “I am thinking about things” feels like it is killing me inside. I keep leaning on prayer and the peace comes and goes. Today I broke down at work and managed to leave before my co-workers saw but I was so hurt– I called him and left a message and as soon as I found peace again was regretful… that I even left it although it said nothing derogatory or accusatory. It said that I was hurting and didn’t know what to do and that I needed my husband.
Initially he was at a single friend’s house (who is very anti-marriage and a heavy drinker) since then I am unsure where he is staying but yesterday from what I understand he spoke briefly to a couple from our church who had reached out. I do not know the course of conversation but I am grateful they talked. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient but at the same time they are asking me to keep hurting– and the love I have for him is so much greater than this hurt but I am so confused as to why he says nothing when he knows how much silence hurts me– we’ve had very intentional conversations regarding the matter. What do I tell my girls? My oldest daughter knows more of what I’ve done wrong that also led up to this– I shared that with her so that she sees early on the importance. I feel so lost and alone– I know God has a plan, and I know He is with me, but the enemy is here too and I feel like the battle is in my heart. I feel like I’ve given and am giving more patience and grace than I ever knew possible– if not for God I think I would be in a much different place but this is hurting so badly and I think the hardest part right now is that he knows I am hurting.– Does he not care? Am I wrong? I want so desperately to speak with my husband and tell him how sorry I am for my role in getting us to where we are and to tell him how much I love him. My mom said I was acting desperate– and it’s because I am– this is my HUSBAND!!!
Please help– any advice you can give.
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Jessica,
Whew! What a painful situation. ๐ฆ
I wish you had found this blog earlier, too. But, it is possible that it is not too late.
How is your walk with Christ?
The thing about men is, they often need time and space to think and process their emotions and thoughts, and they need even more time and space when they are to this point that your husband is. The more you push and pressure and cling and act needy, the more you will repel him.
It is possible that at this point he will need many weeks of silence before he is ready to talk. That would not be unusual. I think in the mean time, you focus on your relationship with God and learning to be the wife God calls you to be, and you demonstrate faith in God, patience, and respect.
Please check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect.
And please search the following terms on my home page and read the posts:
– idol
– idolatry
– needy
– need space
– husbands emotions
– men emotions
– what is Reapect in marriage
– apologizing stories
– respecting our husbands as fathers
– respecting our husbands extended family
– ungodly woman
– godly femininity
I believe you are in the right place. I am happy to walk beside you on this journey. I have seen God heal many people in similar or worse situations.
You can tell your girls that you realize you have been disrespectful and that this has to change and apologize to them about the poor example you have set. You can spend tons of time in the Bible, in prayer and studying posts here asking God to change YOU. Not so that your husband will come back, but so that you can please God and bless your husband and daughters and so that you can be obedient and faithful to Christ.
Sending you a huge hug!!
Don’t listen to other people right now. Except for your counselor’s if they are giving you biblical advice. And be very, very patient. This will be a long, drawn out thing. If you freak out or pressure him or try to control him or make him come back, you will convince him he should stay gone. He needs to have the freedom to decide to come back when he is ready. It will take a long time, many, many months, or years, before he will trust you again. That has to be ok. You are in a deep ditch. A ravine. But God can empower you to climb out. You are not alone. Many, many women are on this journey with you. And God is right here with you, ready for you to turn to Him and make Him the most important one in your life.
Much love!!!
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Dear April,
I’m a catholic wife, mother and blogger from Hungary. Your blog is fantastic! But unfortunately in Hungary many people can’t speak English. Would you allow me to translate some of your articles and post them on my blog? With the source, of course.
Thank you,
Nikolett
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Nikolett,
it is such a pleasure to meet you! I would be honored if you believe God desires you to translate my posts. Thank you very much! ๐
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Thank you! ๐
This is my blog: http://prochristo.blogspot.hu
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Nikolett,
Thank you very much for sharing with me. ๐ Much love to you!
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Dear April,
Thank you so very, very much for sharing your heart with us and creating this blog. I have been married for 5 1/2 years, and have been disrespectful towards my husband the entire time. I didn’t see it until 1 month ago when I stumbled upon your blog (praise God He led me here!). I see so much of myself in how you described your “former” self (controlling, disrespectful, judgmental, etc.) I even grew up in a solid, go to church 3+ times a week, Christian home. I NEVER understood respect, though. I heard the word often, but never knew how to apply it or how men feel disrespected.
Please pray for me and my husband. We have been separated for the past 4.5 months. He’s in the military and we lived in a place w/ poor medical care, so he sent me and our son to be home with family when our baby was born. And yes, I fought him hard on that. I didn’t want to go and I was VERY disrespectful (of course, I thought I was just asserting how I was “right” and he was totally “wrong”). WELL, my husband insisted we go anyways, and I see now that God definitely was leading my husband in that. You see, our baby was born prematurely, 2 weeks after I arrived at my parent’s house. She had a potentially fatal problem with her umbilical cord that wasn’t discovered until her birth. God, through my husband, arranged the details so she would be born in one of the best hospitals in the country.
So, tomorrow my husband will be flying here to spend Christmas with us before he leaves for military training school. Please pray that I will follow the Holy Spirit’s leading and be respectful toward my husband. I am a bit scared of “messing up”. I pray that I can shine as a light and that he will see a difference in me. I want to BE different. Well, baby is crying … ๐
Pamela
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Pamela,
WOW! What a story you have! I would love to share your story about your husband’s leadership and how God used him to send you to the hospital where He wanted you to be to deliver your precious baby – if you would consider allowing me to share. ๐ No pressure.
I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart! I am sure you will thank him profusely for his godly leadership and wisdom.
I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you. I know that it is very possible not to know any of this stuff even after being in church 3 times a week -I was at church 3 times a week, too, as a child.
I am so glad we get to be on this journey together.
Much love,
April
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Yes, you may share my story ๐ I have been learning so much here. I spend about 2 hours here each night learning all I can.
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Pamela,
I spent a few hours/day for around 3 years studying, praying, begging God to change me, reading books about godly femininity and godly marriage. My prayer is that God will somehow use me to put the dots a bit closer together for those who come behind me. This is a painful process! But so very worth it. ๐ I love what God is doing in your life.
I will be posting your story anonymously on my Peacefulwife Blog FB page today. Thank you so much for allowing me to share!
Much love,
April
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Dear April, I sent you an e-mail a few days ago and I would like to know if you have received it. I just read what you have posted here and I understand if you can no longer respond to each e-mail individually. I would just like to know if you have safely received it and whether there is any other way to have your feedback or insight, if not through e-mail. I would be grateful for your prayers too.
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Silvia,
I don’t believe I have received an email from this email address. I am available here and on my Peacefulwife Blog Facebook page. You may private message me briefly there if necessary. ๐
Much love!
April
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Do you have any articles with advice on how to handle being respectful and honest at the same time when an honest answer would be disrespectful of your husband? Maybe it is just because my attitude is not yet even close to being conformed to what Christ would want, but I keep finding it hard to be honest with my husband (which I believe is important) but still be respectful, and so I would love to read some advice on what to do in these types of situations.
Okay, that was kind of a convoluted way to put it, so I think I will just give my latest example so that it is hopefully clearer what kinds of situations I am talking about:
My husband wants to buy a car that we don’t have the money for (and we already have two cars that run well). In his own words, he just wants it. There is no other reason for why we should get it. When we were discussing this topic, I told him my opinion but that he was the leader and had to be the one to make the final decision. He then asked if I thought he was being immature. Now, if I said my true thought, the answer would be yes, but that kind of answer would be disrespectful. If I said no though, that would be a lie. I tried saying something like “That kind of question isn’t going to do either of us any good” because that was all I could think of saying, but he still pressed me for an answer and so I then said yes, I thought he was being immature. He’s mad at me now, though ๐ฆ
I have used the search function but am not finding anything regarding it, so please forgive me if it is out there somewhere. There are just so many good articles on this site, it is a bit hard to find particular things.
Thanks!
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Michelle,
Check out “Submitting Under Protest”
๐
I think you handled this very well, actually. The only thing that I think I might change – is – I don’t think I would answer that last question about “Do you think I am being immature?” That is a set up! You can’t win. It’s like a wife asking, “Do I look fat?”
Anyway, I think you could have said something like, “In my view, this is not the best use of our money. I would rather see us save/give to those in need/fix the old bathroom…” I like how you allowed him to make the ultimate decision.
Yes, he is probably upset now. I wish he hadn’t asked that question. But – you may be able to reframe things after he has a few days to process… “Honey, if it really means that much to you, i will support you getting the car. It is not a big priority for me to get it. As you know, I would rather do X. But if it is really important to you, I am open to thinking about it. The biggest thing to me is I want us to pay our other bills responsibly. And I want to have X amount in savings. I also want to tithe…”
I don’t think you had to answer yes or no on that question – I think you could have continued to evade it. But – he did ask. And I think he will be able to overcome this. We will pray for God’s wisdom for you both together. ๐
Much love!
April
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Michelle,
I’ve been thinking about your situation.
I also think you could probably just say, “I don’t want to get a car right now.” Or, you could say that and then say, “and here’s why.”
I also think, when he asked if you thought he was immature, that could actually be a time to affirm him:
“Honey,
I love you! I admire you. I think you are such a hard working man. I would love for you to have everything you want! I’m so thankful to be married to such a responsible, kind, thoughtful, talented, creative guy. (you fill in the blanks there.) I do have concerns about the car right now. But I really respect you as a man.”
It would be great if you could answer by telling him the things you DO admire and respect about him, briefly mention your concerns – and don’t get trapped into insulting him.
Much love! How are things going?
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Oh, I like the idea of using it as an opportunity to affirm him and mentioning the other good qualities! Perhaps that would make him forget about his “trap” question. I didn’t do that this time, but he frequently asks me these types of questions, so I will be sure to keep it in mind for the future. As for the car, he came back to me a couple of days ago and said he wasn’t going to get it yet but would instead save up for it and then get it. It’s not my first desire (we have no savings. I hate not having emergency money, but I am trying to hand over that worry to God), but at least it is not putting us into further debt, so I did thank him for saving up the money first (and didn’t mention that I wasn’t completely satisfied). I do admit, though, that I feel kind of bad that he is not getting it since I know that the only reason he is not getting it is because he knows I don’t want him to, and so I feel like I am still being controlling of him.
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Michelle,
What you did was not control – it was biblical submission. He made this decision once he thought about your input. That is great! Your feelings matter to him. You are his closest friend and advisor. You didn’t force him into this decision. He wants to save up money to get it. That is fantastic! You can, of course, at the right time, share how much you would like to have emergency money. And then you can pray for God to give your husband wisdom.
I think you are doing really well, my precious sister. ๐
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Dear Peaceful Wife,
I have been using the search functionality on your blog to read your opinion about this, but it seems not to be a subject here, and maybe that is for a good reason. I wanted to email you and ask for your opinion, but this seems the best way to contact you and you are, naturally, welcome not to post my comment on your blog when you find the subject inappropriate.
Here in The Netherlands (please excuse my mistakes in English) we have a tv station called TLC and maybe that is originally an American station. Quite regularly it broadcasts shows about polygamy. Those seem to be shows that are voyeuristic as well as non-judgmental. I have a hard time trying to watch those shows, because polygamy feels not good to me. Even though the wives in the shows are content with their lives and the children seem happy.
I am guessing you are more acquainted to people with a polygamous lifestyle in some sort of way as it is rare but not very rare in the USA. I hope I do not offend anyone with my question and certainly not you.
What is your opinion on polygamy, dear Peaceful Wife? And please, if you have the time to answer me, feel free to e-mail me instead of giving a public opinion if that is more appropriate. I will keep our conversation to ourselves. I promise you in the name of our Lord Jesus.
Thank you for your time and possible answer.
Godbless,
Rosanne (Qaboos)
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Qaboos,
It’s great to meet you! ๐ I have no problem with this question.
I don’t believe that polygamy is God’s design for marriage. The passages on marriage in Scripture do not describe polygamy and, obviously, God made Adam and Eve – not Adam and a bunch of women to be his wives or harem. There was polygamy in the Old Testament. It is not listed as sin anywhere that I can find. In the New Testament, one of the qualifications for bishops is that they are to be “the husband of one wife.” 1 Timothy 3:2.
I have heard from a polygamist wife once, that I know of, here on the blog. It is not something that I am very familiar with. But what I have seen – shows me that there is often a lot of tension, angst, drama, and hurt feelings in a situation like that.
Much love to you!
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I meant accustomed where i said acquainted. My apologies.
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Hi April! Looking at your awesome blog once again! Such a great thing you and your husband have done to help others.
I am coming to you with a question – hoping you can send me some resources (websites) to help.
I’m thinking of getting the book Love and Respect by Dr Eggerichs because I want to learn how to respect my husband and I want him to feel my love that he has not felt for years. Also been reading Five Love Languages by Dr Chapman – I think DH’s language is Words of Affirmation. I’ve been feeding him a lot of negative and critical words and he’s come out and said that bothers him and that I never tell him I appreciate anything. So been starting with that trying to “affirm” what he is doing instead of just thinking it (saying “thank you,” and “I appreciate you” out loud).
I will try to get to the point – as a writer myself at heart, I tend to go on and on at times (also known as spider-webbing all over the topic). ๐
The thing is – we are not the “typical” male and female.
Examples – DH has told me (recently) that he needs to feel love to have sex. (Our sex life has been practically non-existent for years) I had been trying to show him more physical love and let him know I wanted to be with him physically – more so than I have for past almost 10 years – but we just weren’t “connecting”. So after he told me that, seems he is more feminine in that aspect.
And me – one chapter in Dr. Eggerichs’ book is “don’t try to fix her – just listen” – see, that’s not me all the time. A lot of times I talk about a problem with my husband to get his opinion in order to help me reach a solution to the problem. So I kind of am looking for that “fix”. Like now – I’m coming to you looking for resources to help us figure out how best to respect and love one another – because we aren’t the “typical” man and woman I guess. And I do have that desire to control and take over. Have been trying to hold back and not do that though (the frustrating quiet phase ๐ ).
Does this make sense?
Most all the marriage books seem to illustrate a typical man and woman – and we both just don’t really fit into that. Some parts we do, yes, like I know DH feels unloved because he feels disrespected by me and he desperately needs that – which I am trying to figure out how to do as I said. But we’ve been sort of non-sexual for years (once every 2 years average), and he has not wandered or complained about that. I have DESPERATELY been missing intimacy.
Should I say in many ways we are opposite – I am more masculine, he more feminine? Confusing? Hope it makes some sense to you!
Thank you again ๐
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Rushell,
Books are helpful. But – they, by necessity, speak in generalities. Use the parts that apply, and then learn to recognize the different dynamics in your own marriage and focus on how God might desire you to bless, respect, and love your particular man. ๐
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Ok – I will try. (Kinda confusing though) Main thing I just want to do what God wants me to do. Thus – I need to spend time in prayer and in His word to determine what that is right? ๐ As He says, whatever we ask in his name it will be given to us. So if I ask God to reveal to me ways to love and respect my husband and things I can do to improve our marriage and heal brokenness I am sure that He will tell me.
Thanks again for all you do
Rushell
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Rushell,
That is definitely a prayer that God will answer. ๐
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Been reading your blog for about a year so thank you for working so hard on our behalf and on your relationship with the Lord and your own husband and sharing your thoughts and wisdom and the word and your battles and victories!
Please can you assist me? I feel a bit frustrated and struggling to express myself or feel understood by DH. Have been praying etc. not spoken to friends/fam
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Ana,
I deleted the details of your comment.
What is your relationship with Christ, my precious girl?
What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?
What were things like before marriage for your relationships?
What is his parents’ marriage like?
What is your parents’ marriage like?
Do you believe you can trust him?
I am going to set your email to require moderation so that I can delete any details that you share before I respond.
Much love!
April
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Hi, I couldn’t find a contact me site on your husband’s website so here is my question.
What are your beliefs regarding women teaching men? For example what do you think of 1 Timothy 2:12?
Thank you.
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Ivan,
Thank you for your question.
My calling is to teach women (Titus 2:3-6), not men. I don’t ever seek to have authority over men. My goal is to honor and obey God’s Word – including the verses about women not teaching men. I don’t seek to teach men or tell them what to do. My husband believes I can share about how wives feel and think with men without teaching men as one who is in authority over them.
I talked to my husband about your question, and he said he felt that he addressed this issue in his introduction of my post on his site.
May God richly bless your walk with Christ. ๐
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Hi,
I thought you might find this interesting. Healthline has compiled a list of the Effects of Birth Control in a visual graphic and I thought you and your readers would be interested in seeing the information.
You can check out the information at http://www.healthline.com/health/birth-control-effects-on-body Weโve had good feedback about the article and we think it will benefit your readers by giving them med-reviewed information in a visual way.
If you think this information is a good fit for your audience would you share it on your site, http://peacefulwife.com/2013/10/01/the-birth-control-issue-part-1-2/ , or social media?
Let me know what you think and have a great week.
All the best,
Maggie Danhakl โข Assistant Marketing Manager
p: 415-281-3100 f: 415-281-3199
Healthline โข The Power of Intelligent Health
660 Third Street, San Francisco, CA 94107
http://www.healthline.com | @Healthline | @HealthlineCorp
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Thank you, Maggie! ๐
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Dear April,
Thank you so much for all your wonderful words. Your blog and your husband’s blog are immensely humbling. As a single woman, it is such an eye-opener in regards to how I should approach ALL relationships, not just a marital one. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to you for sharing the truth in love. Thank you. Your and your husband’s blogs have been a part of bringing me to a place of laying down my pride. It was just tonight when I first read them both (I have watched many of your youtube videos as well) that led me to apologize with no justifications or demands to someone with whom I used to be close. Thank you so much for uplifting humility and love.
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Julianne,
This is so wonderful! How I praise God for the way He is speaking to you and empowering you to live a life that honors Him. Yes, as we seek God and love Him, He changes the way we interact with everyone in our lives. Thank you so much for sharing. ๐
Much love to you! And may God richly bless your walk with Christ. ๐
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May God continue to grow this much needed ministry…
I am to be married soon and this was so helpful… I have been seeking God daily in his word but nothing breaks the Values of marriage down like you have explained…
Thank you. This insight is needed in our times…
May God Protect your Character!
Songbird
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Songbird,
Congratulations on your engagement. I praise God that He is speaking to you and preparing you for a godly marriage. WOOHOO!
Much love, my precious sister!
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I want to thank you for your help during a difficult time with my husband’s depression/ PTSD. I had a hard weekend with my husband and without the Word and your direction, I wouldn’t of made it through with confidence and a quiet spirit. My question is can you comment on your blog with direction in the instance where a death of a father has occurred during a transitional period in a man’s life and how to support and help him?
My husband is in his 50s. Our marriage was secure until this time. He has never been unfaithful but, I recently found him talking with other women on-line. It was a horrible pain. He is in counseling but, he has only allowed me to attend one session. I have seen this happen before…where a parent dies and mental health problems begin, behaviors change, and sometimes divorce. I deeply love my husband. We lost our fathers 7 months apart. My father died four years ago February 2, 2011. He was buried February 10. My daughter was depressed and after a reaction to depression medication she tried to take her life with an overdose the day after I buried my father. She loved her grandfathers so much. She was in her second semester of college.
I had raised my children while caring for my father as he suffered with cancer. My son also had a rare lung condition and had two lung surgeries. He was angry. My husband has numerous health issues and also had surgeries during this time. Three times I had two family members in the hospital at the same time or days apart. I also had a daughter in high school and I was trying to desperately to care for my mother in-law who had mental health issues/Alzheimer’s and my mother’s estate, my teen children’s issues as well.
I didn’t make my husband first. I was spread so thin. I felt my husband pull away. I was very sad to see this as I needed him so much. He had two spa memberships. This is strange behavior. I found one for him that I approved of. I also had a delayed response to my father’s death. The doctor said it was classic. I also had PTSD. I am better but, it was so painful not understanding my husband’s behavior. I got out of the hospital and he bought a motorcycle without telling me! It sits in the garage.
I say this to say I couldn’t see his needs. I became hurt, angry, and argued with him weekly for 2014. His strange behaviors leaked out weekly for 2014. I would feel better only to find something new and strange the next. This is the best person I ever known!!!! He is exceptional. I’m so shocked! This is not the Godly man I knew! I’m so sad that I thought working hard for my family was the “right” thing to do! It’s not! It’s putting God and your husband first. I see this now. It’s so very sad. God knows my heart. I truly did not want to dishonor Him and my husband this way!
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Vickie,
You and your husband have been through GREAT TRIALS these past few years. No question. These are major, major trials – on the order of Job.
What does your husband say he needs? Have you been able to apologize to him? Are you both receiving godly counsel?
What do you believe God desires you to do at this point?
How is your walk with Christ going?
I am praying for you and sending you the biggest hug! Ladies, let’s surround this precious sister with much prayer!
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There are more trials April that were outside of our family that effected us greatly. I feel as though the devil has tried to kill and destroy us. I feel as though everything in my life has been threatened and hurt.
My husband says he feels nothing. He wants terribly to feel whole again. He has thought of being a drunk and leaving his family. He has not. He is in counseling. He is drinking which he never did. I have apologized to him and pleaded for his forgiveness. I am so repentant that my heart breaks. I have taken over the finances and have made gains. I found his depression caused him to get behind on bills. We are caught up! Praise God!
I am encouraging him to find a group of military men to meet with to share stories and support. He cried but, saw the need. He is too alone. His can’t stand his current job. I really would love to see him retire or take a period of time off. He is supposed to have another surgery soon. He may be recovering as long as 4 weeks.
His relationship with God is not good but, I finally asked him to pray for our family as he used to. He did! I told him I knew God would answer his prayers. I know God will take him as he is with joy!
I believe I am doing what I should caring for him and our parents. I am so exhausted from this weekend from seeing him through the nausea and headaches he experienced from getting off XXX cold turkey. It was not a good way to end the prescription but, he made this decision without my knowledge. So, I try to support him.
My commitment is to him above all else. My desire is to stay in the word and pray without ceasing for him.
I must stay strong as I just had a another issue walk through the door this morning that I must resolve for his mother.
Thank you deeply for your counsel and prayers.
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Vickie,
Yes, the devil is trying to steal, kill, and destroy your family. I am so thankful that what he intends for evil, our great God can use for good!
If he stopped that medicine. cold turkey, he will have a rough week or so. As a pharmacist, I always counsel my patients to taper off of that one with the doctor’s help. And, he could feel more depressed for awhile until his chemistry stabilizes again.
Praying for you and for your husband and family, that you might cling to Christ and be empowered by His Spirit to face these challenges and that your lives might bring great glory to God!
Much love!
April
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Some inspiration for you who are hurting and seem not to be receiving answers for your prayers from God.
There are some prerequisites to answered prayer:
1. A relationship with Jesus Christ. (John 17:3)
2. Faith that God can and will answer your prayer. (Hebrews 11:6)
3. Obedience to Godโs Word and what He has clearly revealed for you to do. (John 14:23-24)
4. Repentance of all known sin. If we regard iniquity in our hearts, God will not hear us. (Psalm 66:18)
Sometimes, there is a delay in Godโs answers to our prayer. These are times of testing our faith to prove and refine it. E. M. Bounds describes the importance of delay in his book Prayer and Faith:
โFaith does not grow disheartened because prayer is not immediately honored. It takes God at His Word, and lets Him take what time He chooses in fulfilling His purposes, and in carrying on His work. There is bound to be much delay and long days of waiting for true faith, but faith accepts the conditions. It knows there will be delays in answering prayer, and regards such delays as times of testing. During that time it is privileged to show its mettle, and the unyielding stuff that it is made ofโฆ
(description of the importance of Jesusโ delay in going to Lazarus when he was sick)
Jesusโ delay was in the interests of a greater good.
Fear not, O tempted and tried believer, Jesus will come, if patience is exercised and faith holds fast. His delay will serve to make His coming the more richly blessed. Pray on. Wait on. You cannot fail. If Christ delays, wait for Him. In His own good time, He will come, and will not tarry.
How much patience is required when these times of testing come! Yet faith gathers strength by waiting and praying. Patience has its perfect work in the school of delay. In some instances, delay is the most essential part of the prayer. God has to do many things before He can give the final answer- things that are essential to the lasting good of the one who is requesting favor at His hands.โ
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I have recently discovered your video clips on youtube and now watch them regularly. I have been married to my American wife for 35 years (I’m British) and we have two wonderful children. I read clips from the bible daily followed by video sermons from priests to enlighten these readings.
Please keep up with your wonderful video clips.
Chris
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Chris,
Thanks so much for letting me know that you appreciate the ministry I am doing and for the encouragement. It is such a pleasure to meet you. ๐
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I found 14 text messages and numerous phone calls this afternoon. I asked him about them. He wanted to leave. I left because I wanted him to come home after stopping the medication and I reassured him I was not angry and there would be no fighting. I had a calm. I prayed. I had cared for my daughter earlier in the day because she was sick. He texted me how dirty the house was and cussed. He doesn’t want to pray and has given up on “that stuff”. If you only knew him before. We met in church. My heart is heavy and hurting. There are no words for my grief. He says he doesn’t want a divorce and he loves me. I told him we can’t get better with him texting and talking to these women he says “keeps him normal and us married”. I just don’t understand his thinking. I’m devastated.
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Vickie,
This week and maybe even next week, he is very likely to not be himself because of the medication he abruptly stopped. I don’t know that it is wise to take things this week and next week super seriously because he is very likely in rebound depression due to stopping the rx cold turkey on his own. Lots of my patients who have done that, especially on higher doses, have ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown within a few days.
The texting needs to stop. I don’t know if there is a pastor or counselor you both can talk to who knows your situation?
I am praying for you!
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He has only been on this medication I think 12 weeks maybe less. Would the effects be the same? Thank you April.
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Vickie,
Yes, after being on it for about a month, the effects of stopping it would be the same.
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Everything is a mess! He is more angry and threatening toore out. I am begging him to stay in our home because I want him to stay. He can only remember our fighting nothing good. I starting counseling. I’m holding onto my faith for our marriage but, I am so afraid. I can’t bear to lose my family and my precious husband. I have no car. Please pray for me that I will remain quiet, patiently wait, get the help I need to better myself. Christ suffered and died for our sins. His painful death is for our love. I pray I can lay down any arrogance and Pride. Darkness surrounds me but, I look to Him.
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Vickie,,
I am glad you are holding on to your faith and starting counseling. I don’t think he is necessarily in his right mind this week. ๐ฆ Praying that you might be able to hold on for a week or two until he comes back to his senses and his brain chemistry is more stable, hopefully. Let’s pray together for God to grab your husband’s attention and open his eyes to what he is doing and that he might repent and return to Christ wholeheartedly and find the power of Christ and the support of godly believers and godly counselors to help him walk through all of the sea of grief and depression he is going through.
Praying for you to be firm and steadfast in your faith as this storm continues this week and for you to draw nearer to Christ. Praying for you to put all of your trust and faith in Him and for His perfect peace to keep your heart calm as you continue in your faith walk with Jesus. Praying for God to protect your husband from evil and to deliver him from temptation and to protect you, your family, and your marriage for His greatest glory. I am thankful that God has the ability to turn this awful mess into something beautiful for His kingdom. Praying that you can stand on tiptoe to see into the distance when you can look back and see how God was working for the good of everyone involved even during this time of chaos. I am sure it is a fierce spiritual battle – but Jesus is the Victor!
Sending you the biggest hug, my precious sister!
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I started Christian counseling and realize how I unknowingly, in my state of mind, have sounded accusatory to my husband even if there was wrongdoing. I’m confused April and want to understand this horrid sin. My self esteem is very low. I’ve been begging for his love. All things a husband would dislike. I’ve done so much wrong but, I must move forward in my deep sadness. I ask for your prayers. I need a miracle.
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Hi April,
God bless you for starting this blog! I have an issue that I think maybe many women in my age group may have and would love to hear your godly insights please. I am 45 years old and feel that I have wasted many, many years of my life. I have been married for over 20 years and God has blessed us with 3 beautiful kids that are doing well in school. My husband is a good man and a hard worker, we have a beautiful home and have even started our own business recently which is still in the struggling stage – but we are getting there. Financially we have been struggling especially with one of our kids now in college for the past 2.5 years. My issue is that personally I feel I have nothing to really show that I can say well “I did it!!!” My friends whom I graduated high school with are now, lawyers, doctors and many prestigious positions. I do have a Degree but was unable to get something in that field so I actually do in home elder-care. I know I have so much to be thankful for but I feel so unfulfilled, do you have ANY suggestions – I feel like its getting too late for me to make something of myself…..
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Full of Blessings,
My precious sister! It is a pleasure to meet you. ๐
I am concerned that you may be trying to find your worth in worldly things.
Our worth in God’s sight is not about college degrees, the amount of money we make, or being a white collar professional.
The path to fulfillment is to be in the very center of God’s will for us. When we are full of His Spirit, abiding in His Word, listening and sensitive to His voice, ministering His love, truth, and Light to those around us, seeking to bring the greatest glory to Him, walking in obedience and holiness, we will have more fulfillment than anything else in this world could ever provide.
My suggestion is to seek God with all your heart and to ask HIM to make something of your life for His glory. Ask Him to direct you. That is where you will be most fulfilled. He can give you wisdom to find that place that He has prepared for you to serve HIm. But it is much more about your relationship and intimacy with Him and about the godly legacy you are leaving for your family and those who come behind you than it is about worldly success.
Much love to you!
A resource that might be helpful is Shaunti Feldhahn’s The Life Ready Woman
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Hi April.
I can’t express how God has opened my eyes up to the reality of male and female roles through your blog. I am a single girl (and have also explored the peaceful single girl blog). To make a long story short, i have desired for years to have a husband, and since i had an alcoholic/abusive father, i had no idea of the damage that had been done to my view of men, myself, and even God. I feel like God has revealed so many things to me, things that I had no idea about, like the beauty of submission and authority, and what Godly man and womanhood is. I also have had bad “programming” in my mind of what is “normal”. I didn’t realize just how many layers of sin has been in my life, just in my way of thinking.
My mom had terrible experiences with the men in her life and so she has a bit of struggle with submission. I was raised to believe that i don’t need a man to be ok, happy. There is a bit of truth to that, but you can understand her point. So, until I came to Christ and actually started desiring a God glorifying marriage, i had no idea how much i actually despised and resented men. It has been so deeply rooted and God is revealing it to me. I have never known what it means to have a wholesome, meaningful relationship with a man and so being a godly wife seems so out of reach to me. Its like this beautiful thing that I could never be, but i know that is a lie.
Anyway, i am realizing that my relationship with Christ is priority, and that any good relationship with others (especially with a godly husband)will stem from that, but He is first. And i had no idea how unsubmissive to Him i have been in my personal relationship w/Him. I have not, until recently, had the right concept of God or even how he views me. Any advice or encouragement on just truly delighting in Him?
I feel a lack of trust in Him to bring me a godly husband, but I have made marriage an idol for me for so long and it has not brought me any rest or peace. While i do still desire marriage, I just want to know and enjoy Jesus more and become more submissive to Him in a godly feminine way (godly femininity is a beautiful thing thst Christ is teaching me about. I never knew about it). I desire to experience that kind of loving authority in my life because i didn’t have it growing up. I truly desire to have that inner beauty of a gentle quiet spirit. All of this about glad submission and loving authority and guidance, the holy union of marriage done God’s way….it’s all like this treasure chest of beauty and truth that I knew nothing about until I gave my heart to Christ.
Thank you April. Your devotion to becoming a godly woman/wife has inspired me so much. ๐
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Angela,
I am so excited about what you are learning! That is my prayer – that God might use this blog to minister to those women who didn’t have godly examples and who haven’t seen God’s design before or who haven’t understood it.
I am so glad that you are seeing the scars and wounds you have and the wrong ways of thinking now. WOOHOO! And I praise God that you are desiring a close walk with Him above all else. I have many posts about our walk with Christ here and also on my Youtube channel “April Cassidy.”
Spend significant time in prayer and in God’s Word, seeking Him. And – check out David Platt’s sermons on Youtube. As well as The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee. Those are good places to start.
Much love!
April
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I’m in Christian Counseling now and I have a lot of homework! April, my husband is in so much pain inside and out. I think he needs a break from work to get better. I’m just brave enough to ask God for that! I told my husband I would. I’ve allowed the many demands of an ill family take my husband from my priority. I’ve unknowingly been accusatory in my speech toward my husband my counselor said. I need to speak to him with him in mind or sit and listen. I want to speak corrector him so much so I shake. My heart is full for him but, fear that I’m going to make mistakes (and I do) hurts so very much. My counselor suggested “Love Language” by Gary Chapman and “Simple Abundance” by Sarah Van. Do you also recommend these books? My husband is very depressed and I’m worried about him. I want to help. Do you have any suggestions? I’m going to a VA site for suggestions today. Thank you. Please pray for us. Still praying for the light to return to my husband’s eyes and I will indeed become a Peaceful Wife.
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Vickie,
I am praying for you both! I know the past week was ROUGH. And, the past few years, too.
Is he seeing a counselor, as well?
I am glad you are seeing a counselor, it sounds like you are receiving wise counsel at this point. Love Languages can be good – if you focus on how to love him, not how you want to be loved. I am not familiar with Simple Abundance.
I love Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Keller, Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas, For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. (but, only read the parts for wives!)
Much love to you!
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Vickie,
Keep in mind, ultimately you and your husband both need Jesus most of all. You can bless your husband and you can become the wife God desires you to be. But you cannot be Christ to your husband. There is a difference. I hope that makes sense! I am praying for you to be a great blessing to him, and for him to draw near to Christ, as well.
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Dear April,
I “found” you when I googled ‘How to love a passive husband’. I see I am not alone in my journey. (I had seen your email under a comment, and started an email to you. I then saw this page, and can totally understand the position you need to take. It just goes to show how many women are out there that are in need of something you found. Your ministry is vital!) I was really looking for some help in the “slap the behind” encouragement department!
Anyway, after reading your story, I saw that we shared many similar thoughts and feelings. I became angry early in our marriage when my husband wouldn’t respond to my pushes. I wanted him to push me back. I didn’t want to lead. But, after several attempts, I felt I needed to take on the role of leader.
I prided myself in being “spiritual”.(I don’t know how the Lord does it, but He does indeed bless us in other areas where we are seeking Him. I took that as being that I was alright.) I took on that role and my husband knew it. He kept at trying to love me despite my apparent disdain for his attempts. I don’t know where I got this idea from, but I had thought that he ought to just “know” what to do and what not to do. His sins were glaring at me, and I felt he was not fit to lead. Yet, that was the one thing I wanted desperately from him!
Fast forward many years…after years of trying to love me, he weakened and his heart left me. (No infidelity…but he just couldn’t see how our marriage could ever work again, and he became unglued.) Not realizing how much I had leaned on him “being there”, I became very angry with his lack of emotional support. Instead of things getting better, they got worse.
I am really just beginning to see some very important things. For a long time, after this pain entered his life, I couldn’t see how to meet his needs – because I had never before tried to really meet his needs or minister to him. I was always needing to be in control. (I was “spiritual”, so I didn’t think I had a problem with control.) I am seeing that although God may bring us to light in certain areas, because He is who He is – a loving, gentle Father, who does not beat us – He won’t force us to “get” something. “Aha!” And yes, I see this now. It is through our pain from our own sinful choices that causes us to really begin to look at what His truth might be in any given situation. (I “bound” all sorts of things, fasted, prayed for hours, sought inner healing and deliverance – thinking there now must be something wrong with me – …and nothing changed. That should have been a clue.)
Your site has encouraged me. You said it took 2 years. I have been in this struggle for more than 8 years. Every time I would “try” and rise up to be “this wife”, I would get knocked back down. I really had a wrong idea of what submission was, and looking back, I see that the Lord has had to do a lot in the way of causing my thinking to have a paradigm shift. Realizing that control was a big issue, I had tried to “lose” myself in order to fully please my husband. No…that was incorrect too. I believe He is wanting to bring it full circle to help me see some basic things.
Anyway…I am encouraged because with perseverance, I can relinquish my hold on being angry when things do not go my way. Thank you for your honesty. (Oh…I also read a well known book by a woman who just bashed women who were not being submitted and obedient. I came under a ton of condemnation when I read it.) So your blog is not only honest, you are gracious. Thank you for that.
Thank you again for your encouragement. I know, with God’s grace, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. I just went to my husband and shared with him what I received from your blog, and asked him for prayer. His heart is back toward me now, and he desires to have that deeper relationship with me. I believe I can forgive him. (Just writing you has helped a lot. I needed a place where I could “confess” my sin, and it helped. Thank you.)
P.S. I am not a young woman anymore. I would be considered an “older woman”, thus believing that I couldn’t effectively make changes, and believing that my children, who had not seen a lot of good examples, will ever fully open their hearts to me. (Thankfully we all talk and maintain fairly good communication, but we’re not close as I had always wanted.) And thus…I had to wade through a ton of condemnation.
The first post I read, and now others on your site, is helping me believe that I can make these changes, and I can expect God to help me…I can be very real with Him and not have to be perfect. I can also be me – the good, the bad, and the in between around my family. I don’t have to have it all together. I can go to the Lord and believe that He wants to help me. (I had come under some very deceptive lies that said that I couldn’t possibly be helped by the Lord unless I first “got” it.) This is big, actually. Because without His help, how can we get stronger? Thank you again.
God bless you!
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Pressing Forward,
I have seen wives of all ages change by the power of God! How I praise God for what He is doing in you!!! Thank you so very much for sharing your story and what God is showing you. I am thrilled to get to be on this road with you.
Much love!!!
April
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I’ve recently found your site and read so much and watched a few videos. So many things you say, I just keep nodding my head with agreement.
The man in my life is extraordinary and I cherish him. Unfortunately, we keep having the same struggle and I’m left dazed and confused.
The last conversation goes like this: I met this lady, she inspired me to start a new group and I made her an admin, telling her it was all due to her story…he stops me and says, that’s nice but you need to make people admins based on what they know and how to handle things. She might say something or do something and you’ll lose credibility.
I immediately said, yes, but I can always just delete her because I’m the owner.
He shut down and was angry. Basically saying the same words that’s fine, do whatever you like. I said I don’t even know what I did? He walked away.
He said this morning after I asked him if he wanted to talk about what happened? He said sure. I said okay what happened? He then said I find it really hard to believe you don’t see how you react. You already know what’s best and you don’t need me. I told him that I do need him and that I do value his opinion. He shut down again and said we would talk later and that he doesn’t like getting that upset with me.
I’m trying so hard to understand and do whatever it is to make him feel respected, valued and loved but I don’t understand.
I had thought about what he was saying before I’d made her an admin and when I respind with the “why” it seems I’m dismissing what he is saing, in his view. I don’t know how to change that because I honestly think and feel he wants to know it? But now I don’t know anything.
This keeps happening and I thought maybe you could help me understand because I’m lost.
I know hearing him say ‘you don’t need me’ was a red flag of the core issue. My actions and expressions are obviously not aligned with what I think or feel towards him and I need help.
Thank you.
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MsUnderstood,
Are y’all engaged and about to marry? Are you dating? Or did you just start dating? What is the seriousness of your relationship?
What is your relationship with Christ? And what is his relationship with Christ?
I think I can see what is going on here, and I have some suggestions to prayerfully consider, my friend. ๐
When he stopped you and shared his wisdom with you (which was very sound wisdom, by the way) – here is a way you could respond:
“Hmmm… I appreciate your wisdom about this. Thank you for sharing. I am going to prayerfully consider what you have said.”
If you immediately say, “Yes, but…” he does not feel heard and he does not believe that you appreciate his insights, wisdom, and leadership.
I think that this is a pretty simple thing to correct on your end. Listen to his ideas, suggestions, wisdom, and leadership. Don’t immediately contradict him. Tell him you appreciate his sharing and that you will consider what he shared. Wait before responding.
He is actually looking out for you and trying to protect your reputation. He is trying to lead and protect you – and he feels that you are rejecting his attempts to lead and protect you. That makes him feel disrespected and unimportant and like his ideas have no value in your estimation.
Ask God to help you see – is there pride in your heart that needs to be dealt with?
Perhaps you can learn to respond humbly.
“I know that you have insights and wisdom that I don’t have, Honey. I know that you can see my blind spots in ways that I cannot. Thank you for looking out for me, protecting me, and sharing your wisdom with me. I am so thankful for you!”
Much love!!!
April
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Greetings peacefulwife! *waves* ๐
I want to start on this journey, but reading thru some of the list of what not to say or do is overwhelming. I’m assuming that I know what my husband may find disrespectful/respectful and not all of those lists will match my husband. Reading thru those lists I think I’d probably never speak again! ( which would please my dear husband, I can talk the hind leg off a mule. Lol. But I do love your blog and will keep searching thru it. ๐
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Megan,
It IS overwhelming to read those lists. I agree. Might be best to read it in parts, not all at once. And – each man will have his own preferences to some degree. Some wives like to print those lists off and ask their husbands to check the ones that matter the most to them.
I had NO list when I started this journey. That was even more overwhelming, because I had zero clue what was respectful and what was disrespectful and it took me over 2.5 YEARS to have any idea. So, I hope to connect the dots closer for the ladies coming behind me. But – might want to try to tackle everything all in one day. Or week. Or month. ๐
There ARE ways to speak respectfully. At first, it may seem impossible. And it does take the power of God working in us – but it is actually so freeing because this is the process of God changing us to become the women He calls us to be. All we are getting rid of is sinful stuff. Eventually, we do learn how to speak life to our husbands instead of tearing them down.
First, I went through The Frustrating Quiet Phase for awhile myself.
This is a process. There are many stages.
The key to all of it is our walk with Christ Jesus. As we focus on Him, listen to Him, yield ourselves fully to Him, study His Word, allow Him to change us, and seek to please and obey Him – He can give us His Spirit’s power to do this stuff that we cannot possibly do on our own. It’s not about being perfect or following a long list of rules.
Here is a post where one wife shares how she learned that it is not about being fake or being a Stepford wife. It is about real heart change.
I am excited about what God is about to do in your life! And I am thrilled to have you here on this amazing journey with me.
Much love to you!
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Thanks April,
I can see areas where I fail time and time again, I can see how I’m sinning. But with all the changes that have to be made not just in me but my kids it just feels hopeless. I can’t seem to stick to anything. I get discouraged easily. I will shy away from disciplining my kids because I’m not sure if I’m being too hard or too soft. Etc.
I had felt exhausted most of the time and so that made things soo much harder! No amount of sleep was ever enough. ( recently I discovered it was because of a vitamin D deficiency, my levels were supposed to be 75, instead mine was 36!) I no longer feel exhausted, but now I need to face a bunch of issues and they all seem to need attention NOW. It’s hard to know where to start! I also seem to fall into the trap of escapism. Particularly when overwhelmed. But avoiding the issue won’t make it any easier!
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Megan,
I had low vitamin D last year because I am allergic to the sun. It sure made a big difference when I started taking vitamin D! Glad that you are able to fix that big problem.
Is it possible to talk with your husband about the top three things that might be most important to focus on stopping and the top three things that might be most important to focus on starting?
How is your time with Christ going?
Much love to you!
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My walk with Christ is going ok. Thankfully my husband leads us in family bible time each day. And we attended adult Sunday school and church regularly. Although I struggle to have my own quiet time. But my husband is trying to encourage me to have one. And will ask me daily if I have had one. My husband tends to tell me often that I don’t trust God enough. He is the type that seems to stay calm no matter what the situation. And to be honest it annoys me. And when I make a comment about it and say it’s ok to be upset about it, why are you so calm! That’s when he responds ‘it’s because you don’t trust God enough!’ (Ouch!)
He also tells me to stop whinging to him about stuff, and tell God about it and leave him alone. I struggle with that. Particularly because I like to talk. And I struggle a lot with different issues. He means well. And I admire his faith. But I really struggle sometimes in that area. I come from a family that hates the unknown. They like definite, clear answers. It frustrates us to no end when we don’t get a clear answer. I guess that’s why I often like to jump the gun. I was also told to wait a lot as I was the youngest in our family. I would try and do something nice for my parents, and I would be scolded for it. Then my sister would do the same thing and she would be praised for it. And so I dont like to be told to wait. My husband is the opposite. He is happy to calmly wait. We rarely fight. But we may have the odd minor disagreement. Big blow ups are pretty rare.
One of the biggest areas he says I don’t submit to him in is the house. It’s a struggle to keep up with the housework with a large family and the kids almost refuse to help. And I often lose my temper with them. But I also like to try and do it all myself and he constantly tells me I should make them do it. He also thinks I can be too light with the kids. But I think he can sometimes be more strict than I think is reasonable.
If I submitted that would be a MAJOR thing. A lot of our friends already think I’m submissive. But that’s only because I will do things for my husband that they wouldn’t. ( you take the trash to the curb??!!?? He should do that!! To be honest I liked doing that, now my oldest son does it every week.) And if my husbands family don’t think the is acting fast enough on a situation they nag him about it and will sometimes step in. Which makes it harder for me too. Especially if I agree with them. So I feel like that would make the whole submissive thing soo much harder. But I know it’s important.
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April,
I came across your blog today and I have to say its already helped me and inspired me a great deal. I am definitely going to read more of your posts when I have time between school and work. You have helped me to realize that I have idols before God in my heart, so thank you for that. I’m 21 and a senior in college, and have been dealing with an issue for quite a few months now, and am hoping to have your insight. The situation may sound really silly, but its causing me emotional and mental stress for certain reasons regardless of the big picture.
At this point, I’m trying really hard to wrap my head around how a Christian person can still cause hurt. Because I’ve gotten no response from this person it causes me to beat myself up and analyze details to try to figure out where I went wrong/what I had done. It is very hard not to try to take control and matters into my own hands to try to “fix” the situation, and to fully trust God. I’m trying and learning every day, but it is hard. This situation makes me realize how hard it is for me to put down idols and also things I made up in my head to believe are true and that will make me happy if I have them. Feeling like you have to act a certain way or follow a set of guidelines in order to get a man’s attention in a frustrating situation feels so stressful and exhausting when you’re hurt and just want to use a lot of words, when that doesn’t work. I find myself constantly needing reassurance that I did nothing wrong….
I’ll try to make a long story short.- A 20 year old guy friended me on social media in the summer of last year. He lives a few hours away and knows a few people who attend the same university as me, and I am certain he is not a fake on the internet or anything like that. We start texting and I immediately grew interested because of things he portrayed about himself. (A Christian, a youth leader, loves the mountains and outdoors, an amazing photographer, and loves the same kind of music, other similar interests) so I thought, wow this guy seems perfect.
For about 3 months, we texted EVERY DAY 24/7, long lengthy messages and talked on the phone a few times (which he initiated) My best friend lives close to him, so there was one time I went to visit her and we planned on meeting, but he ended up having to go out of town. Early into the next month he had a youth event at church where he couldn’t have his phone, and after that weekend things began to change. He grew distant. So I asked what was up and he explained that he felt like his phone was a distraction and gave a spiritual explanation about listening to God and having quietness. Which I respected. So I thought back off and give him time, but he texted me the next day after saying this, and for the whole next week, would post pictures on social media, just wouldn’t respond or read my messages. Which felt confusing, like I was the distraction. And the texts became very spaced out. I attempted to see him again while visiting my friend, but I did not get a response fast enough and was already gone by the time I got one. He apologized for being distant, and said it “felt nice to not have my phone as a distraction”- I finally felt like I could not deal with this situation anymore, and told him until we meet I don’t think its a good idea to text, because it is confusing and frustrating. He does not reply. A few days later, I told him that I felt hurt that he had not replied or explained etc. So I get a very long detailed apology about how he felt like we were getting to know each other so much over text and that that felt fake to him and that it was frustrating because he wanted to meet me but had something to do every time I came. Basically that he wanted to meet me but couldn’t continue the friendship if it would only be over a phone.
So I don’t respond for about a week, and when I do about a week later, the cycle starts over again and the text were long and frequent and suggestful (like he would say, text me tomorrow). I suggested we hang out because in my mind I thought that was the main issue, so he agrees. When the time comes to plan, he says he wants to and will let me know on a certain day what works best for his schedule out of the following two days. Never lets me know. I text and get no reply… I tried to keep it together for a couple days, but after seeing him post pictures on social media I felt hurt by not getting a response and feeling ignored, so I express my hurt in a short and simple way by pretty much saying ‘I don’t see the point if we are never going to hang out.” I don’t get a response for two weeks while hes on vacation. I made an emotional decision and posted a quote out of frustration and anger, which I regret doing. So I unfollowed him on social media, not because I was trying to be rude, but because I felt hurt and tired of clearly seeing that I was being ignored. He later unfollows me, and I felt hurt by that so I reach out again, this time a little more lengthy and emotional… nothing really rude, just expressing hurt. Got nothing. So since I got no closure, I felt eaten up and tried to give myself closure by saying that I was hurt but I shouldn’t have acted out of frustration and anger and that I realized I should have let it all go before. That it hurt to be ignored but I just really wanted to meet and put a lot of hope into making that happen. I got no response and I’m not sure if it was ever read. It has been almost three weeks… I have prayed constantly that he will reach out, but your post have made me realize that I have made idols in my heart and am living doubtfully and fearful and not fully surrendering to God’s will. I am a people pleaser and a peacemaker, so this situation is especially stressful for me, because I feel sad that I may not ever hear from him. I realize that the big picture is that he should make the effort to see me after pursuing me so much over the phone, and I ended up being the one to push that to happen. I’m just not sure if there’s anything I need to apologize for, or if the best thing for me to do is just let it go.
Sorry for such a lengthy comment!
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Kk,
I’ll take a shot at this one, forgive me if I am being so bold but honey, he’s not interested. There are guys out there who call themselves ‘christian’ but act anything but. It’s strange to me that every time you seek to meet up, he has every excuse under the sun as to ‘why’ he couldn’t. And yet he has time for social media. If he really was interested, he would make the time. I’ve known those types before. He sounds very unreliable. And if he is like the other guys Ive known, he probably thinks it’s a great joke. Or will tell his buddy’s about some girl who has a crush on him and won’t leave him alone. This type of guy is not worth your time. Don’t chase him, make him chase you if he really is interested. I would question where his faith in God is. When you meet the one God has for you, you will meet in person. He won’t put you off constantly. I know I may sound harsh. But I couldn’t find an easier way to say it. It sounds like he wouldn’t make a very good husband. Focus on your studies, immerse yourself in Gods word. And keep yourself busy. Ask God to end the friendship if he is not the one for you. It’s going to be hard, but it’s not worth all these emotions. You’re a smart girl I’m sure. Wait for one that truly values you, God, and your relationship.
Blessings,
Megan
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You said it perfectly. It really helps and I appreciate it so much!
Thank you!
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I’m glad I could help. ๐ the name ” christian” is often handed out like candy. Virtually anyone can say they are christian. But show no fruit. Some people think they are christian because they are a good person or have walked thru a church door. When you look for a spouse. Look at how he is living out his faith. And at the state of his quiet time and prayer life. If you develop feelings for someone, and you find yourself being increasingly (sometimes subtly) pulled away from the things of the Lord, it’s probably not worth continuing. Learn all you can from the ladies here, and hopefully it will help you avoid many of the traps they fell into. Blessings to you!
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Megan,
Very wise advice! Thank you for sharing!
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Megan,
I agree that he is apparently not interested – but I don’t agree about his motives necessarily being un-Christian. It may have been the approach? Or, he may have had things come up? I don’t know. I don’t know that he is even unreliable based on this little bit of information. He may be a godly guy who realized he wasn’t interested and didn’t want to hurt a girl’s feelings. Or, she may have lashed out in pain and repelled him. I just don’t know.
I am not ready to write this guy off as a bad guy, or someone who doesn’t have faith in God. But I do agree about not chasing him and allowing him to pursue her.
Much love, Megan! Thanks for reaching out to KK!
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Here is an example of how signals can get very, very crossed between guys and girls:
A guy asks, “If I asked you to be my boyfriend, would you say yes?”
The girl says, “I don’t know.”
The next day, he breaks up with her and she is devastated. Her mom says the guy is a jerk.
Was he a horrible guy? Not necessarily. What he heard from her was that she wasn’t that interested and that she would probably reject him.
KK,
I would love for you to read “For Young Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn – it will help you really be able to understand men so much better! I think you will love it. Also, if you can read up on what respect looks like to guys – and what comes across as disrespectful to guys – that will give you major advantage in speaking a man’s language. There are posts about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page at http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com.
Much love!
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kk,
I definitely understand your frustration. But at this point – it does seem wise to let him go. I am not sure if he maybe felt smothered? Sometimes starting a relationship is just so hard! Without knowing his exact thoughts – which we don’t really seem to. All we can do is speculate. Maybe he felt overwhelmed or smothered? Maybe he wasn’t interested but was responding at first to be polite? Maybe he had other issues going on that had nothing to do with you? Maybe he doesn’t like texting a lot?
I am not sure exactly what you said to him when you were upset – if it was rude or disrespectful, it may be good to very briefly apologize for that without any explanation or justifying yourself. But then, give him space. It is possible that he may have not intended to hurt you. He may not have had evil motives at all. We have to be careful making assumptions about guys’ motives – we are often very wrong!
I know this will be hard to let go. I pray for God to give you wisdom about whether you should apologize. But if you do, it would probably just need to be something like, “Hey, I want to apologize. I think I probably came across as disrespectful, and maybe pushy or smothering. It makes me really sad to think that I may have come across that way. I think you are an amazing guy. Really loved talking with you. I pray for God’s best for your life. Take care.” Then – no more contact. At all – unless he makes the first move. That would be my suggestion.
But – God has even more wisdom than I do -thankfully – and His Spirit can give you wisdom that I could never begin to give you. ๐
Sending you a huge hug, my precious sister!
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Thank you so much. It is hard to know what to do. The only reason I feel disrespectful towards him is in that I may of pushed it because I was upset, I unfriended him on social media, and I said “I don’t see the point in texting and calling me in the first place if you’re not going to act on what you say and be my friend. The least you could of done was just say no.”- this was after I never heard from him about hanging out…. The more I type this the more I feel like I should maybe briefly apologize for being pushy. It is just hard at the same time because his intentions were so misleading, but on top of that it was just a texting relationship- so it doesn’t even matter…. There’s also a risk of hurting if I don’t get a response. But on my part, I definitely should of just let him make the move if he was interested, and I was slow to realize that.
But again, thank you so much and I will definitely be reading that and more of your blog!
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KK,
If that is all you did – I don’t think you need to apologize. But – I pray God will lead you!
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Thank you SO MUCH! Your prayers and all your help through your blog really means so much, and is so convicting for me!
I feel somewhat confused now though ๐ฆ forgive me for repeating myself on this drawn out mess, I just am unsure now. For the first few months of talking on the phone (ridiculous, that long, I know). He seemed very interested by sending long text, and initiated hanging out/talking on the phone etc. After his youth retreat, became distant, explained his distance for spiritual reasons, but was definitely stressful because I didn’t know where I stood or where it was going- he has his “read” receipts turned on, and what was really irritating was that he said his phone was a ‘distraction’, yet would post pictures a lot and not open my text messages for days at a time. But I still tried to be respectful although I reached out and asked what was up when he pulled away. Regardless of how I felt, I feel like I should of stepped back and maybe just quit responding because I don’t even know him and I have no room to get angry, but my heart was already wrapped up in pursuing him. I realize that the first time I told him I didn’t feel like we should text anymore until we meet and he gave me NO REPLY, is when I should of dropped it. But didn’t. I reached out again, and then once more
expressing my hurt and confusion until he then gave me a long apology stating he was at fault and he was sorry for ignoring me and leaving me wondering, that he felt like we were getting to know each other so much over text and that that felt fake to him to not be able to interact, that he really wanted to meet me and it was frustrating because he thinks I’m unique and awesome but every time I came down he had something else he had to do. that he was “nervous he would only know me over a phone.” and that if all our friendship would ever be is over a phone that he just couldn’t do that. I respectfully responded, and he said he definitely still wanted to be friends, get to know each other more, and some day meet in person as well.
So I give things some time before I text him again. And when I do, like I said, he texts in the same way he had before- lengthy, initating the conversation to keep going. But then it came down to us hanging out (i suggested), him agreeing, saying “he appreciated me working my schedule around us meeting up”- and then never managed to let me know on the day he said he would let me know what worked best. (My mom lives in another state, and I planned to go see her after meeting up with him. I told him I would put that off a day in order to meet. So that was frustrating ๐ฆ ) yet he could post pictures over the course of the next few days (while I held my breath to boiling point). SO I got upset of course- texted what I said about “i don’t see the point in calling/texting me in the first place if your not going to act on what you say and be my friend”- got no response to that, so I unfriended him and out of emotional anger posted a quote directed towards him (not the right thing to do or not sure if that is even relevant, but I regretted that decision) anyways, he later unfriended me which stirred up my hurt again, and so I texted him again simply saying I don’t understand, can you explain- and got no response….. So that’s when I sent an emotional text about how I was hurt, which wasn’t necessarily rude, but still got no response.
And then a few days later due to being eaten up by the mess I felt I made and having no closure I sent “hey, I know I’ve reached out a lot and its ridiculous of me, I just still feel a little upset. I wanted to say I acted out of frustration and anger because I never heard back from you, which hurt, but I shouldn’t have and i realize i should of just let it all go a while back. it was confusing for me to determine if we were on the same page through text and until now. i just really wanted to meet you and i put too much hope and effort into trying to make that happen. it hurts to not understand why youre responding, but theres no need to i guess. i just wanted to get that off my shoulders and say i hope everything is cool.” -i got no reply, and i’m not sure if he even read it.
its been about three weeks and I’m not sure if he will ever reach out at this point, which is hard, but I do trust God. More than ever now.
I realize now that I acted pushy and tried WAY TOO HARD to get him to hang out,considering I’m the one who brought it up every time. But he did agree and did follow through in the planning process at least. His text were confusing and misleading is the way to put it I guess. Although I was blinded by what is very clear in that he would of made the time if he really wanted to. It’s just disappointing because I do feel he has a good heart and is good Christian guy, but he definitely caused me pain and stress and it is something I simply can’t understand. And the sad thing is- it’s still affecting me and it may not be affecting him at all.
Since I reached out a ridiculous amount of times (granted they were spaced out, but like 4 total), I’m worried about how I made myself look, making a mess of things, and now whether or not to apologize for being pushy. What you typed out as an apology is what would of been great for me to say before, but now I don’t know if there’s room for one or if it is necessary to.
It’s hard in this case because of what he’s said about himself that made me really interested in him. It makes me wish even more that I could go back and act differently, so that maybe things would be different. But I know I shouldn’t waste energy regretting, and it probably wouldn’t change the circumstances.
I’m sorry this is all probably so silly sounding! I just want to do what is right, and you have so much knowledge!
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kk,
It’s not silly at all. ๐ I can understand why it is very upsetting. I like the way you responded with that last message. You put your cards on the table. If he isn’t responding – that is your answer. I do wish he had just responded honestly. But – if he isn’t responding, that means he apparently is not interested or has issues going on in his life.
I do understand why it is upsetting – absolutely. I think any girl in your situation would feel upset. It would be ideal if he would just tell you what is going on. But you can’t make him tell you. So – you can try to dissect all of your actions and texts. But you can make yourself crazy doing that. Or you can accept that something may be going on with him. Perhaps he was being honest about the phone being a distraction. Could be wise to just accept what he said.
Now, I vote to focus on Christ and to focus on learning more about how men think and how to avoid disrespecting or smothering them, and how to allow Jesus to change you to be more and more like Him. When you are close to Him and full of His Spirit, He can give you the wisdom you need for each situation.
I am so excited to be on this journey together!
Much love!
April
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Megan,
Thank you! This blog, yours, and everyone’s comments and stories helps a tremendous amount! You are right, I know your walk has to match your talk, and that is the biggest hurdle for me I think. I never even met the guy, so for me it’s just a matter of getting it out of my head and not analyzing every detail to try and understand. Considering all he would tell me about church and the Lord, his misson trips, sending bible verses, etc. and the fact that we texted/called like we were in a relationship. So when he can’t do as much as let me know about hanging out and be completely straighforward when I reach out multiple times, I can’t help but to feel belittled and like I was in the wrong for whatever reason. It’s just hard to accept when you have no closure and don’t understand. And disappointing because I felt like he seemed so great, just for nothing to come of it. I know at this point all I can do is pray and pray for him! This is definitely a lesson and a test of faith for me. It’s a struggle but I’m feeling so much more enlightened! Thanks so so much!!! ๐
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KK,
It is hard not having closure. Sometimes, it can be healthy to assume it didn’t have something to do with us unless God points something out that we may have done disrespectfully. If there was a problem, the best thing would have been for the guy to be honest about it. But that can be really hard – especially in the very beginning of a relationship. I know people want to not hurt others’ feelings. But – when the relationship doesn’t continue on – feelings will get hurt one way or another. So painful!
I’m glad you are going to pray for him. And I pray you will focus on your walk with Christ and that God might use this whole situation to teach you to depend on Him more and to seek His face above all else no matter what is going on. ๐
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Another thing- I have already reached out a lot through emotions, and I’m a little scared of how sending another will make me look.๐ฃ although, the apology you typed out sounds very mature and a good Thing to say
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kk,
Check out this post on my other blog – a guy’s perspective on when a guy says “Let’s Just Be Friends.” I know that wasn’t exactly the case here. But – could be helpful. ๐
And, it can be wise to let guys initiate texting/phone calls/meetings. This will help you know they are probably truly interested. Could be helpful. There may be exceptions, of course. But – this may be helpful to keep you from pushing or smothering if you tend to get really excited and attached with a great guy quickly.
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And here is a post “When He Walks Away”
And here is a very good post, I think, about “When Do I Get to Feel Secure in a Relationship?”
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April, let me first say that your blog has been such a blessing to me. I have some questions that if you wouldn’t mind giving your godly advice on, i would much appreciate. There’s alot of background so to put it all in a nutshell;
My husband and i have been married 10 years in august. We are both serious christians. I love him very much and have been working on honoring and respecting him because it does NOT come natural to me at all. And he is very passive by nature so it takes alot for me to hand over the reigns and alot for him to want to take them.
The main issue we have is that he has been struggling with lust our whole marriage. He falls into looking up pictures of women online, magazines in the store, staring at women, ect. And I get that it is a huge temptation for all men because its EVERYWHERE, and I know hes trying to stop. Well, he tells me he is.
I’ve done everything I know to do to help him. He doesn’t always confess to me and sometimes he tells me half of the truth and sometimes he flat out lies to my face. And I understand that i wasn’t always the nicest person when he would confess to me, but I have learned to not react harshly, to forgive and pray for him. And we were doing well for awhile, he would confess to me that he messed up and we would pray together but then slowly he started hiding it from me again. And even downright lying to me. Its not my attitude towards him, he says hes ashamed. And I understand that too. But how can I help him if he is not honest with me?
And whats worse (the main reason for this comment) is I feel like we have grown apart due to his hiding it, and lying to me. I find myself unable to be sexually intimate with him because of it. It would be different if he was messing up but was honest with me. But he lies to me and keeps it from me. And I know when hes done something, its all over his face but he pretends like nothing has happened and yet wants me to be intimate with him?? I have a very hard time being intimate with him when he is keeping secrets from me, especially when it involves lusting after other women.
That’s not intimacy to me that’s just sex. Not even God Himself sticks around when we will not confess our sins. He always loves us but there is no intimacy with God when we do not confess our sins to Him. So how can I be intimate with my husband when he does not confess to me? Then I feel like the problem just worsens because I am not giving myself to him. ๐ฆ I don’t know what to do. We just moved here we don’t have a home church, he has no one else to keep him accountable. I want to believe he really wants to change but part of me says how have we been dealing with this for 10 years with no improvement? I don’t know what to do anymore, its killing our marriage. ๐ฆ any advice would be appreciated.
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momof5sweetboys,
My precious sister!! How my heart aches and hurts for you. And how my heart grieves for the pain that sin causes in marriages. Lust causes pain. Lying causes pain. All sin causes pain in our relationships with each other and with God. Bitterness, and resentment cause pain too – those were some of my biggest hang ups for many years.
How severe is the addiction? When did he start looking at porn? Is it something that he began doing as a young boy?
What is he willing to do to be transparent?
What does he say he needs from you?
What does he say when you share respectfully that the lying is destroying intimacy and the lying may be even worse than the lust?
Have y’all checked out Covenant Eyes, or http://www.xxxchurch.org?
How is your walk with Christ going?
Did he have a godly mentor from before that he could still be accountable to even now?
Much love to you!
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Prayer for Those Struggling with Porn Addiction and Those Hurt by Porn Use
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Thank you so much for your advice, prayers, and your blog- I’m so glad to have come across it and it has convicted me and helped me realize SO much! I’m so excited to grow in my relationship with Christ, and am definitely holding onto your website.
Thanks again ๐
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KK,
You are most welcome. How I WISH I had someone to share this stuff with me when I was 21!!!!! But I praise God that He is allowing me to share with other women. I am so excited to get to know you and to see all that God is doing in your heart. You are a blessing! ๐
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April, I was married to a woman for a little over 2 1/2 years and she would criticize my performance. It got to a point where I didn’t want sex with her. What advice would you give a couple where one tears the other persons down for not performing as they want, though they are trying?
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Ben Dugan,
Criticism, nagging, lecturing, belittling, yelling, screaming, holding onto resentment, bitterness, hatred, judging, condemning … none of these sinful approaches bless the marriage or build unity. They all repel and tear down our spouse and the marriage.
I have a post for wives whose husbands are rejecting them sexually here. And I have a post for wives whose husbands struggle with performance issues, particularly impotency, here.
I can understand why any husband or wife would eventually dread sexual intimacy with his/her spouse if the person’s response was constant criticism. Most people respond better to positive and encouraging words, and to respect, honor, and gentleness.
As a pharmacist, I would also be interested in understanding the reasons behind the issue – like, is there a side effect of a medication, is there a medical condition like diabetes, is it a matter of feeling disrespected… The steps to remedy the issue would be different depending on the cause of the problem.
I’m so sorry to hear about what a painful time you both experienced. Breaks my heart. Thank you for sharing.
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The counterpart to a peaceful wife is a humble husband. The primary function of a marriage is to show the example of being one through the husband and his wife joining together. Their other responsibilities include being salt and light towards one another whether in the privacy of their home or in public.
Prior to marriage, both the man and the woman are individuals. They have individual needs and really do not need anyone else. Once a marriage is established, each are to make a transition into a member of their marriage as husband or wife. If one or both do not make this transition, it is the start of a failed marriage. In the video A Wife’s Biblical Submission, April makes an excellent statement about abandoning her individuality and individual rights.
Unfortunately, I have had two failed marriages because the first wife was adulterous and the second wife was a saboteur. What I am about to say is in no way me discouraging any other from getting married. I believe that marriage is not for me because I now trust no woman at all. For me to consider marriage is basically to consider how much I will be deprived and tortured. I have been jaded to the point where I have considered every possible reason why a woman should never consider me for a potential husband. The real reason I am saying this is for the ladies, because when you are unfaithful, disrespectful, irreverent, rebellious, defiant, you willfully deprive your man from sex that he needs, you act selfish, you have a whatever attitude and expect the man to just accept it, you stop pretending to be the kind and nice person he found you prior to marriage, etc., you not only destroy your own marriage, you are cursed with a reputation that will follow you into every other relationship you enter. Furthermore, you create men such as myself who have completely given up on relationships and choose to live alone and lonely because it is better than taking a risk and ending up suffering worse. Even worse than that, there might be a genuine lady that would become a wife according to the Creator’s design, but I would never consider her because I have developed a complete distrust against all ladies for the above reasons.
So if you are in a relationship and there is friction involved, consider that you may have contributed to it initially or in response to how you were treated, but if you haven’t established a relationship, examine your heart and determine what type of wife do you desire to be. If you do not have the desire to fully yield your life to your husband, then wait until you do have that desire. For the men, just reverse the situation and determine what is your desire for marriage.
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Dave,
Goodness. What an excruciatingly painful set of situations. ๐ฆ I just hurt for you and for your wives – I know they are in pain, too. Sin always hurts the one who sins, and others around that person, and, of course, it grieves the very heart of God – worst of all.
I do abandon my individual rights as a believer in Christ. My first goal is to be submitted fully to Him and to walk in obedience to Jesus by the power of His Spirit working in me. Because I am in Christ, I am now dead to sin (I died with Him on the cross to this world, my life, and my sin), and I am now alive to God through Christ. My life is not about my will, it is about God’s will now. Because I want to walk in God’s will, I honor and biblically submit to my husband. My husband is not my highest authority, Jesus is in authority over both of us. But my husband is an authority God has given me, so I can trust God to lead me through my husband (unless he is asking me to clearly sin or condone sin, or unless he is truly being abusive or is not in his right mind – none of which have ever happened since I have been submitting to my husband).
I am afraid that you are not alone in your feelings toward women after your experiences. I have heard from a number of men who are equally wounded and hurt and who feel that they will never be able to trust a woman again. That completely breaks my heart.
There is healing available in Christ – for you and for your ex-wives. He is able to restore your soul and fill you with His peace, joy, and overflowing Living Water, my brother. I have seen Him heal many, many men and women. I am praying for you!I am not saying you should marry again. I am not saying you would need to trust another woman again. But there is healing in Christ for your heart, mind, and spirit. I am praying for that for you and for your ex-wives, that y’all might each be in fellowship with God and full of His power, and that He might use your lives to bring Himself great glory and honor. Thankfully, He is an Expert at turning big awful messes into beautiful things.
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Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am not saying that I haven’t forgiven both ex-wives for their actions or attitudes, nor am I saying that I am not at peace. I just have no trust for women. I will say that neither woman made the transition from an individual to a wife. You are an excellent example of salt and light in regards to what a wife should be. The Scriptures provide the spiritual foundation while you are providing the practical and living evidence of what a wife should be. Feel free to share this with your husband and let him know that he should strive to appreciate the blessing you are to him because of your heart, character and fruits.
The main problem with marriage today and for many centuries is that you have two individually minded people who are effectively self-centered and selfish to their core. Even their intent of marriage is about finding someone to make their personal lives complete. Very few people have the wisdom and understanding to enter a marriage for its true purpose, which is to serve and unite with each other. In fact, sex is the primary function of a marriage where desire should be based on the duty to each other according to Genesis 1:28, 9:1,7 and 35:11 and 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 and arousal should be based on anticipation of being with each other. A husband and wife should naturally make sex their first priority so that they meet each other’s marital need first. I am not saying the children don’t have precedence, but it should be noted that children will eventually leave the home. When all children do this, the only one left is the spouse until he or she dies. A minister named Paul Washer has stated if there were an accident in the water and he could save only one person, it would be his wife. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his children, but rather he can’t be one flesh with his children as he can and does with his wife. Speaking of this topic, one of the worst things any parent can do is place a child or children as more important than the spouse. No wife would accept her husband placing another female as more important than her and she is fully in the right. However, some of these same wives will hypocritically do that very thing with the children and even use them as an excuse to avoid sex with their respective husbands.
By now, you might be wondering why I have given up on all women. Let’s put it this way. Just as no man can be a successful liar, no woman can be totally and completely respectful and reverent towards any man. There will always come a time, whether because of having a bad day due to the words and/or actions of others or going through a menstrual cycle, that she will eventually speak her mind and/or rashly and without care or consideration against a man. I have no threshold of tolerance for disrespect or irreverence. I have blocked people on YouTube for comments of this nature and I would instantly invoke a divorce according Deuteronomy 24:1-4 under the term of proverbial uncleanness in the form of disrespect. In the Book of Jasher, Abraham instructed his son Ishmael to get rid of his wife due to her beating the children, talking disrespectfully about and against her husband Ishmael and not showing Abraham any hospitality when he came to visit Ishmael. Keep in mind that I am talking about individualist females or women. I doubt I would ever find a presently single female who has the mentality and character traits of a wife, so I am not even searching. I decided to wait for the return of the Messiah and let Him determine His will for my life during His reign.
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davegdev,
I’m so thankful that you have been able to forgive your ex-wives. Bitterness is so very toxic, as I’m sure many of us have experienced. I am also thankful to hear that you are at peace.
Marriage between two sinful people is painful many times. Especially when we don’t have our priorities in line with God’s Word of placing God at the very center and heart of our lives, then our spouses, then our children, then others.
Thankfully, God is able to redeem us to Himself in Christ and free us from the penalty of sin. And He is able to sanctify us to make us more and more like Jesus as we grow and mature in Him. I am not aware of any husband or wife either presently or in history who has achieved sinless perfection at all times on this earth. But God can and will radically change us to be more and more like Christ and to walk more and more in victory over the power of sin as we learn to live out the finished work of Christ on the cross – that we are now dead to this world and to sin, and that we are alive to God through Christ Jesus so that we may walk in obedience to God and in His holiness. What wonderful news!
It is always my goal to show honor and respect and godly love to my husband. I don’t ever want to fail him or to grieve the heart of God. And God has changed me so very much in the past 6 years. I am thankful for that and I can’t wait to see all that He will continue to teach and show me over the remaining time I have here on earth.
But even for two believers who are growing in Christ, there will be times when husbands and wives will have to extend grace, mercy, and forgiveness. I know no husband who loves his wife perfectly as Christ loves the church without ever stumbling in his motives, his thoughts, his words, his tone of voice, or his actions. And I know no wife who respects her husband perfectly all the time without ever failing in her tone of voice, her facial expressions, her thoughts, her words, her her actions. If anyone expects total sinless perfection 100% of the time from a spouse – I have no doubt he or she will be greatly disappointed in marriage. It would certainly be wise not to marry if sinless perfection in a spouse is the goal.
Total sinless perfection hasn’t happened since before the Fall. And it will not happen again until we are glorified in heaven with our Lord. Thankfully, God is able to dramatically change us – and He does give us the power to walk in holiness and to have victory. What wonderful news! But there will be times when we, in our weakness, take our eyes off of Christ and stumble in the weakness of the flesh. As we grow and mature, these times ought to be less and less and less. I cannot imagine my husband pressuring me to be absolutely perfect in his eyes every moment for the rest of my life or threatening me with divorce were I to stumble one time. We don’t use the word, “divorce,” with each other. It is just not an option. I am so very thankful for my husband’s Christlike grace, mercy, patience, forgiveness, respect, honor, and love as God continues to complete His work in me and I know that he is thankful for my extending grace, mercy, patience, forgiveness, respect, honor, and love as he continues to work out his salvation and to seek to grow in His faith with Christ, as well.
I love the book Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Keller. Excellent resource.
I am glad you are trusting Christ and depending on Him. I pray for His greatest glory in your walk with Him. ๐ May God richly bless you, my brother.
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I want to commend April for having the character to present an example of what it means to be a wife. Unfortunately, I have had two failed marriages, and because of what happened to me because of each wife during each respective marriage, I have decided that marriage is not for me. The first was adulterous and the second sabotaged the marriage after achieving her personal ambitions. I have lost all trust in every woman. Even if I meet a woman in the future who naturally follows the peaceful wife principles, I will never be able to trust her because I see all women the same. However, I don’t say this to discourage any man from marriage. What I am saying is that if you are a woman reading this, just know that your words, attitude, behavior and actions can destroy men like myself to where our hearts no longer want to enter relationships because the risk of failure is a certainty. While I am 43 years old (pretty pathetic considering if I live out the full life expectancy for a male, I will be alone for about 40 years before dying), it is too late for me since my heart is scarred to the point of being beyond repair. It is not too late to make the hearts of other men feel blessed to be in a relationship.
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Dear April,
I have been following your blog for a few months now and I have been enriched by the Godly wisdom you share.I wanted to ask you biblical opinion on a matter that I have been dealing for many years..I have been married now for over 15 years and I think of my husband as my confidant , supporter and encourager.He is a very Godly man and husband but when it comes to sharing things that matter to him most or work-related worries, he calls up he mother.This is very overwhelming for me as I feel left out and not good enough.This has been an issue that has kept creeping up from time to time..Do you have any suggestions on how a godly wife should handle this situation ?I have tried talking to him but he says that this is how it will be..Please pray that I might have the grace to accept this painful reality.
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Hi April,
I recently came across your blog & YouTube channel & was wondering if you could give a little advice on where to start? I have been married for two and a half years, and have struggled to learn to respect my husband & let him lead. I know that now is the time to change since we are just starting out in our marriage. I feel a bit overwhelmed though. Where did you start when you first began studying being a godly wife? Did you start with any particular book of the Bible? Are there any good books and/or Bible studies you can recommend?
Thanks so much for your ministry! God bless!
Sarah
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Sarah,
I’m so glad to meet you! How wonderful that you are beginning this journey now. ๐ The first book I read that opened my eyes to my disrespect was Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
But – a great place to start would be the posts at the top of my home page.
If there are areas you are struggling with, I can point you to posts here, as well.
John, Romans, and 1 John are really good books in the Bible to read and ask God to open your eyes to all that He would have you to understand.
What is your relationship with Christ? ๐
Much love to you!
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Thank you for taking the time to reply back April! My relationship with Christ is that I accepted him as my Savior in 2009, but have struggled since then to totally surrender & make him Lord over my life. It is total selfishness & sin on my part. I have not even been truly discipled by an older woman in the faith. Partly because every time things get “deep” and sin issues come up I usually find a way to get out of the situation. Totally wrong I know.
I recently moved from CA to MD with my husband and we are pretty much on our own out here. I’m starting to realize that I have much more of a feminist background than I thought, and not the good feminist. I was brought up to be “independent” and to believe that “I don’t need a man”, etc… (My parents are not believers.) This type of independent attitude has really become evident since our move & I am realizing that respect is a huge area I need to work on. Because of my upbringing, whenever I begin to study submission and respecting my husband as the leader of our marriage, I immediately begin to push back, justifying my behavior & thinking that I don’t need to do that. I know these are completely wrong thoughts based on Scripture, and I know that only God can change me. To be honest, I bought the Love & Respect book when we first got married, but have not read it yet. I think I’ll dig it out & start reading.
I have to say, I was very touched by your video on head covering & have started to cover my head when I pray as well. What you said about trying to go around your husband when you pray really struck a cord with me. I think I have been doing that since my marriage began. The head covering is a good tangible reminder to me of how Christ is my authority through the headship of my husband, and that I should not pray to get around my husbands leadership. Anyways, all that to say, thanks for making your videos & being faithful to write this blog!
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Sarah,
I am very encouraged that you are able to see where you are spiritually. The fact that God has opened your eyes and you are listening means that God is regenerating your soul! I know He will complete the good work He has begun in you, my beautiful sister!!! There are precious few godly examples today. ๐ that breaks my heart! And some women who are godly examples don’t know how to explain and break down all the little baby steps and ways of changing our thinking from worldly to godly. So that can be an issue, too. I am glad you are hanging around and allowing God to shine His light into the darkest corners of your soul so that He can totally transform you to be more and more like Jesus!
We have all been immersed in many worldly feminist messages all of our lives and don’t realize how much it has impacted us. I was totally shocked to discover how many ideas I had absorbed that originated with some feminist atheists in the early 1900s when I read Carolyn McCulley’s book about the history of feminism in the church Radical Womanhood. I just sobbed and sobbed about how much I personally lost because I had absorbed those ideas and how much my marriage, my husband, and I had been robbed of the treasures and peace of God because of those sinful ideas in my heart.
I praise God for you and for what He is doing in you. I am always glad to hear from you, my precious sister!!!!
Much love! ๐
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It’s been a while since I touched base with you April. My husband is drinking and has depression. He is a veteran. He possibly may have undiagnosed bipolar disorder. We are both in counseling individually but, I am in Christian counseling. He has turned his back on God. I think early family issues has caused this. This attitude is so out of character for him. I left for my mother’s for awhile because of the drinking and verbal abuse.
I returned and with my mother’s help got a small used car and a job. He is stating he is moving out, does not love me, is living like he is single, and considering divorce. This is not my husband and as we live together now I continue to pray, have faith, and give him to our Father. No matter what happens I will wait for my husband. I respect and honor him yet, I’ve learned to walk away from abuse.
I ask for your prayers as I honor my husband. It is true that I long for reconciliation. There is a greater good. It is his soul and health and peace. We have been married 35 years but, with a series a life events with our children and parents it left us in debt and my husband talking to other women much younger than I. The hurt and pain is great but, no greater than that of my husband. I have to walk day to day asking God to hold my hand with each step. I am weary. I pray for trust and faith. Please pray for my college aged children, my husband, and myself.
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Vickie,
I am so terribly sorry for this incredibly painful situation. ๐ฆ What a nightmare. ๐ฆ
I’m very glad that you are in Christian counseling and I definitely understand that there are ways to honor your husband and yet, walk away from abuse and alcoholism. I love that you are seeking what is best for him – that is very telling about your motives and your walk with Christ. So beautiful!
Praying for each of you – for God to work in his heart, your heart, and your children’s hearts to accomplish His good purposes, to reconcile each of you to Himself, to regenerate each of your souls for His greatest glory. Praying for wisdom and Light for each step and decision you must make.
Much love to you!!!!!
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Hi April! I have contacted you a few times. I love your blog- God has used it to begin His changing me. Thank you for your faithfullness!! I just have to let you know that our anniversary is May 28,1988 and my birthday is March 19th 1964!!! too cool same anniversay same birthday ! Happy birthday to you and your twin,my sweet sister in our Lord Jesus !! have a blessed day!!
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Fam6,
That is SO NEAT!! What are the chances of the same birthday and anniversary date???? ๐ makes me smile. ๐
I am so thankful that God is working in you and healing your soul and your marriage. I praise God with you for that priceless gift!
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Dear April, oh my goodness I am in need of your help! My husband and I are both very young to be married, we are both 21. However we have been married a little over a year. A lot of people don’t understand why we chose to get married so young. The home I grew up in was absolutely wonderful! I am in only child, I was raised in a southern baptist home. My parents have been married for 28 years and are still in love. They are great examples of Godly marriage. They have been in youth ministry since I was 3 years old and have always made me a part of their ministry. The home that my husband grew up in is quite different. He has a wonderful family. He too, is an only child. He was raised in a missionary baptist home. Believe it or not, these are 2 very different churches. However this is not the topic I need help with (I’m just a rambler). We now attend the church that I grew up in. (A descion he made on his own, after much prayer.) we are now teaching a children’s Sunday school class together that we both enjoy and also in the worship band. My issue is that my husband never talks anything spiritual with me. We do not pray together. I will usually look over our Sunday school lesson and ask him questions about what he wants to talk about or activities he wants to do and he will answer them. We are at an age where all of our friends are getting married. We are in 3 weddings this year! All of our friends ask us for marriage advice and of corse, I try to be quiet and allow my husband to speak and he always talks of biblical marriage. I love hearing him speak about it, but we ourselves, I feel, do not practice it. This bothers me. My husband knows about you, and your blog, because I read it everyday and he knows, and supports my journey to become a respectful, submisseve wife. I just feel like I need some spiritual leadership I guess. I have talked to him twice about it. Taking a lesson from your blid and videos, I mentioned it once, then waited about 3 months before asking again. Sorry this is king, but I feel kinda lost. Thank you,
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Hi, Ive been reading your blog you seem to be one of the sweetest people ! Thanks for representing Jesus the way you do. I have a question that I think you would be best equipped to help me with.
About a month ago I felt the Lord speak to me the name of the man I am to marry. This sort of thing has only happened one other time regarding a serious issue in my family that I needed to handle so I trusted the word, but prayed for confirmation. I met this guy,D, through a church ministry he helped run and have talked to him 2x briefly over the past years. He is very handsome and successful but I was never interested in him because 1. He seemed boring and cliche church boy 2. He is a hot commodity in our church with beautiful women fawning over him, and I would rather not deal with that.
Anyways. much to my surprise, the next week at church D, walks directly to me during the welcome part of the service and introduces himself again with intensity, we make small talk and hugs me and leaves. With that perfectly timed introduction I knew God had confirmed what He had told me because we had never spoken in church before, and frankly he was not on my radar. And also, less objectively the hug was perfect haha, i think i kinda blacked out from the shock of it all but we fit together so well its hard to concentrate when he is in the same room as me. I have since learned alot more about him via fb, twitter, instagram to see if we do have things in common and we do. Alot of things. So many things its overwhelming. but at this point, there is still soo much to learn.
The problem is that right after hearing the word from God, I asked Him what He wanted me to do with that information(since it was so out of the blue) and He said “do nothing”. I have gathered that to mean in terms of pursing.I think God wants to show me His power and sovereignty in this type of situation as I had given Him complete control over choosing a husband for me about six months ago. Most of my other relationships i had to pursue and then quickly end.
Im just not sure how far “nothing” is. No contact? No Initiation? No changing my behavior or growing and learning how to be a better partner before it happens? Since that time he came up to me , we have talked 2 sentences to each other, which he initiated, but I couldn’t carry the convo. When he talks to me I freeze, and get panicky, and do everything i’m not supposed to do when i want to show interest. I resolved that I needed to make up for my weirdness by going up and talking to him but my mom (and maybe God) think that initiating a conversation isn’t doing “nothing”. I have a feeling either God spoke to him too and/or he is interested in me but just kind of confused by my actions.
Things are progressing, and i am having some fun just knowing he is there and around and not being stressed(until he gets closed to me of course). Its like a dance a far away one for now, but I know he watches or notices when I am close to him even though I(we) don’t acknowledge him(each other) directly, though he may try? Just not hard enough. Yesterday I turned my head toward him and we had 3 beautiful seconds of eye contact which I know we both enjoyed(weird) but right after he was right behind me leaving church and I couldn’t even talk to my friends knowing that..I don’t know what to do. Do more “nothing”? Do less “nothing” stay the same. Let God handle it and just pray he gives me and D more opportunities to be awkward together. I find it strange im so nervous, I am 27 and he is 28 btw. we are both stable christians, though I think he may be going through something but i’m not sure. Both he and I seem to be hold outs, not serial daters just waiting for the right one. I truly believe he is the guy for me-even though relationships and commitment freak me out in general. I know that if God’s hand is in getting us together then I can’t “fail” i’m just not sure what to do, if anything.
I know this is long. You are the best for reading. Please pray for us both.
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Strobelight10,
It is wonderful to meet you! ๐
I am not sure how I could really comment on something you believe God said to you. In Scripture, I know of nothing that would prohibit you from talking wtih this man and being friendly if he belongs to Christ. But I don’t have any way to verify what God says to people individually or what He means other than to make sure it does not go against Scripture.
I pray God might give you wisdom! ๐
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Thanks for replying. Your answer is understandable…. Any thoughts on the fear/anxiety I feel when I am around him?
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Strobelight10,
I suggest writing out your fears and anxieties in a journal and combating them with the truth of God’s Word.
“What if he doesn’t like me?”
“What if this doesn’t work out?”
“What if I mess everything up?”
“I am too nervous to even talk to him!”
And then write down verses about your security in Christ, His sovereignty, how His perfect love casts out all fear, etc…
Then, you can ask God to fill you up with His Spirit and you can have confidence in yourself as a follower of Christ. You can seek to bless this man, to be friendly to him, to show him hono,r and the love of God as God leads you to, without zooming ahead to the future. Just enjoy each moment.
Hold this and all dreams loosely, and cling to Christ, my sweet sister!
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April,
Thank you for the work you are doing. As a man, I felt very odd at first about reading this blog, mainly because it seemed to be directed more at wives. Then I realized that there are so many things included that help wives and husbands.
I am struggling with a lack of respect in my marriage. I won’t go into the details, but will say that I feel very unimportant a vast majority of the time. What advice do you have for someone who wants to be better, but finds himself being shutdown by his wife, and is realizing that it’s affecting all aspects of his life, not just at home?
Thanks in advance, and please continue the good work
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Bobby,
Lots of husbands read my blog – they often use it to “reverse engineer” things. You are most welcome here. I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing in your marriage. Are you looking primarily for your own spiritual growth and empowerment or for understanding about what may be going on with your wife?
Thank you so much for the encouragement. ๐
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A great place to start for husbands, in my view, might be Spiritual Authority – a Firm Foundation, and A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage by a minister at our Southern Baptist church.
Also, http://www.cbmw.org has a resource page with a free download of John Piper and Wayne Grudem’s book “Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood” that is extremely helpful, in my view – written for men and women.
David Platt’s sermons on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood on Youtube or at http://www.radical.net are also very helpful and are intended for men and women.
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Wow, thank you for responding so quickly. Actually, I’m trying to accomplish both of those things. I’d like to get a handle on why there is seemingly nothing that I can do to please my wife, and also get out from under the burden of feeling like I’m failing as a husband. It has become an unsolvable puzzle. My other problem, and the main reason I posted, is that I have no one that I can talk to about these things. No one else knows what I’m feeling, and everyone close to us reminds me repeatedly that I have to remember to think about my wife, that I’m such a lucky man to have such an independent wife, etc. I’ll be the first to admit I’m a lucky man, but I never really get the chance
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Bobby,
I’m not sure how many posts you have read here, but what you are feeling is not abnormal, unfortunately. It is pretty normal today for husbands to feel disrespect – and disrespect for men, especially husbands/fathers seems to be completely mainstream. So much so, that lots of women don’t even really recognize what disrespect is or know what it would look like to respect their husbands.
Here is a link to a post I wrote for husbands to try to help them understand what may be going on with their wives.
And, to help you know that you are not alone, you may want to search the word “interview” on my home page and see my interview with Greg and my friend Nikka’s interviews with her husband. Perhaps these men might be able to help you put some words to how you are feeling?
From my perspective, what a lot of husbands do first is try to understand how they are feeling, and why they are feeling that way. And then they try to understand where their wives are coming from and the issues behind disrespect and control. Sometimes, just knowing what is at the root of it – fear, usually – can be really helpful as a husband prayerfully seeks to begin to address the core issues and hidden thought processes his wife may be dealing with.
If there are other specific topics I might be able to direct you to that would be a blessing – please let me know!
I am praying for you – for your walk with Christ, for God’s wisdom and understanding of godly masculinity, godly femininity, marriage and for your wife – for healing for her spiritually and emotionally. I pray for God to give you the revelation you need and the power of His Spirit to accomplish His will in your marriage. I pray for God to give you the power to find your voice and to be able to share with your wife in ways that she can hear and receive. I pray for God to work in her heart to help her hear His voice and His Spirit. I pray for His greatest glory in your marriage, my brother!
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April,
I thank you for your understanding, and your quiet voice of reason. I read the articles you sent, and they make a lot of sense. Thanks to them, I just realized how easy it is to let the hurt take over, especially when there’s nothing that I can do about it except follow God. Again, thank you, and I pray that God continues to bless you and your family, and His ministry through you
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Bobby,
You are most welcome, my precious brother.
If you tend to be more on the “passive” side of things, my husband’s blog may have some posts that could be helpful. http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com.
I am happy to talk with you any time and will do my best to point you to resources that may make your journey a bit easier.
I agree – husbands and wives tend to let their own pain consume them and want their spouse to change first. Of course, we don’t control our spouse, we can only control ourselves. But there is much power when either spouse begins to focus on Christ himself/herself and fully submits to His Lordship. I have seen many miracles over time, no matter which spouse submits to Christ first.
Why Do I Have to Change First?
Do I Have the Right to Punish My Husband?
How Can I Tell if God Is Working in My Life or if I am Doing This in My Own Power?
How to Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit
I also have a Youtube channel if you prefer to listen rather than read – where I talk about some of these topics, as well – called “April Cassidy.”
Please let me know how I can pray for you and your wife and if you need any encouragement, I’m glad to cheer you on. You are not alone. Thousands and thousands of men and women are on this journey to become godly men and women and to seek healing for their walk with Christ and their marriages. The enemy’s strategies are pretty similar for all of us. There is strength in the Body of Christ as we come together and share this journey and the insights God gives us and as we walk together.
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Bobby,
Here are some thoughts I was putting together for a post for my husband’s site from a wife’s perspective, I thought they may be a blessing (And I believe there are corresponding points for husbands, too, that are similar):
– First and foremost, if I am not fully submitted to Christ as my Lord, I am going to have a hard time submitting to my husband. Jesus is perfect, after all, so if I canโt trust Him and donโt treat Him with proper reverence and donโt yield control fully to Him, I am not going to be able to trust my human, imperfect husband.
– Ultimately, my trust is in God, not my husband. I trust God in His sovereignty and wisdom to lead me through my husband. I also trust His Word and honor and respect His commands to me. This means, I need a pretty decent foundational understanding of the sovereignty and character of God.
– Knowing that my husband is completely devoted to Christ and fully submitted to Him as Lord, and that he wants to please Christ above all else in his life gives me reason to trust my husbandโs leadership even more.
– Knowing that my husband truly cares about my wellbeing and even my happiness helps me feel safer as I trust and follow his leadership. Of course, the more Christlike my husband is, the easier it is for me to trust him. Things like his being responsible, thoughtful, kind, loving (I Corinthians 13:4-8a), gentle, selfless, patient, forgiving, merciful, gracious, generous, faithful, and good make my role as a wife easier.
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April, those are fantastic views, for both the husband and the wife. Very insightful. I’m looking forward to reading the article.
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Bobby,
I am so glad to hear these thoughts blessed you. ๐
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Hi ..Miss April I’m new here and thank you !
I need advice for happening for me and my husband.
It’s so ashamed to tell you that my husband doesn’t love me anymore because of my attitude .he told me that I’m controlling everything especially him that’s. Why he fall out of love . He left the house and it’s been 4 months already .I’ve tried everything crying begging I’ve been begging on his his feet ..but still nothing his heart it’s like a stone . We’ve been married for 20 years.I still love him so much and me and our child want him back home.I always pray and I know God always listened.
Thank you!!!
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Honey,
I am so very sorry to hear what a painful situation this is for everyone! I wish I could give you a big hug!
How is your walk with Christ?
I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect, and biblical submission. And to check out this post “When Your Husband Says, ‘I’m Done.'” And How to Make Your Husband an Idol. As well as, “The Answer to All of Your Marriage Problems.”
Let me know what God may be speaking to you. We can talk some more as you need to. My prayer is that you will seek Christ with all your heart and that He might heal you and your husband and eventually bring about reconciliation.
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April,
I am getting married in about a month. Right before we got engaged, my fiancรฉ admitted a past porn addiction. Being someone who also has struggled with this, I held him as he cried in shame and forgave with all my heart. Two weeks ago, i happened to look over his shoulder as he started to google something to show me, and one of the search suggestions from his search history was related to porn. He sat up very fast as if to hide it from me. I asked him about it, and he told me that it was an old search and had surprised him as much as it had me and that was why he sat up. I was honest with how it hurt me and seemed like he was hiding it, and also told him that it made it clear that he had led me to believe that his addiction was in the past, when it was actually relatively recent. I was hurt, surprised, and it made me very insecure. We had a serious talk and I did my very best to pray my way through the conversation. He cried and apologized and really seems genuinely devastated that he hurt me. He assured me that he has never compared me, and that it has nothing to do with me. I don’t know how long this has been going on in his life. He is a wonderful, godly man, and in the 4 years I have known him, and 2 we have been together, I have never had any reason or cause to doubt him.
What makes this complicated for me is that I struggle very deeply with depression and anxiety. I want very much to trust him, believe that he is trying to overcome, believe that he is telling me the truth when he says he has not viewed any since our talk, and to wholeheartedly forgive him…But I cannot escape the fear that he will compare me to them after we are married. I will never look like those women, or perform the way they do. I am afraid that something about me will drive him back to it. Or that he is continuing to lie to me. It has been with a lot of prayer that I have supported him. God’s grace alone fills my heart with an unconditional love. I know that I have been forgiven much, and my greatest desire is to forgive much. As I prepare to be a wife, I want to handle this issue in a godly, respectful, loving way. I want him to feel safe with me. I want to fight my urges to ask obsessive questions, or to assume the worst.
I can feel the Lord’s hand, and I realize that God has created me as much for him as He created him for me. I want to be the arms and feet of Christ to my fiancรฉ. I know his heart is hurting as well. But I guess I just need some encouragement and truth to battle the anxiety that rages in the back of my head. My heart is torn between being broken for him and being broken for myself. I have not told anyone about his struggle out of respect for him and his heart, but I desperately need to know if I am handling it the right way, what I can do to understand his struggle, and how I can battle my feelings of worthlessness and anxiety in the face of what I feared the most-being lied to.
Thank you for your time!
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Broken,
I love your heart about this issue. I am so thankful that you want to extend grace and that you are being honest about how painful this is to you.
I hope you will search my home page for “porn” and “pornography” as well as read this post.
Please let me know what God is speaking to you. I am praying for healing for you both.
If the addiction is rather severe and he cannot stop on his own, there is help at http://www.xxxchurch.org.
You can also search http://www.desiringgod.com for “porn” and “pornography” for posts by John Piper about this topic.
http://www.brentriggs.com has a book about overcoming porn for believers, I think it may be available as a free download.
Your fiance may need a male accountability partner because it is the isolation and secrecy of this addiction that make it so powerful.
Praying for wisdom for you both!
If you do marry – you will need to be prepared to forgive this again in the future if he stumbles. If you do not think you can extend grace multiple times on this issue, it may be wise to postpone the wedding or to not marry. If you go into this marriage expecting him to never stumble, I believe you could easily become very resentful or bitter.
It is likely that this addiction has nothing at all to do with you. But I know it hurts you! I can totally understand that. Please read the comments that some of the men share on the posts about porn on my site for a greater understanding.
Another resource “Grace Filled Marriage” by Dr. Tim Kimmel. There is a whole chapter on this issue.
I pray you will put your faith totally in God, seeking His will and His direction and wisdom. The only way to not have anxiety is to be full of God’s Spirit and full of faith and trust in Him no matter what may happen with your fiance. Your fiance cannot guarantee you that he will never fall. In fact, he will fall. He will fail you at times in some ways. But if your trust is completely in God, and His power floods your heart and soul, you can rest in God’s sovereignty, love, and provision and you will have power to extend mercy and grace and forgiveness and to respond in a godly way even if your man slips.
Do you know how severe the addiction is/was?
Do you believe your fiance understands that the dishonesty is what concerns you most?
Would he be willing to get an accountability partner?
Is he willing to be transparent with you?
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I do believe he realized that dishonestly is the problem. Here is my question…I snooped on his Google history and found a search the day of our talk and the week after. I asked him if he’d struggled since our talk and he said no but I didn’t bring up the search. I felt bad for snooping but now I am torn. Do I confess the snooping and confront him about the lying or do I wait until he confesses to me? I know he hates hurting me and hates himself for hurting me and that’s why I think he tries to cover it up, but it’s wrong and painful. I realize that marriage is hard, that there are probably harder things we will face. I want to handle this gracefully and in a godly way but I am so lost
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April,
You sounded exactly to the “T” how my wife is. She served me papers April 1. She reads, she prays, but completely oblivious to what she has done n this marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I mishandled many situations. I felt trapped at times, punished, walking on needles. I drank sometimes and would lie about it to help me cope with the suffering I felt. You talked about “feeling like God” in one on your videos. That’s how I view her. Like somewhere inside she feels she’s above God. I could not stand to live with her the way she treats everyone in the household but I stayed til she told me she wanted separated. I really don’t want to lose my marriage, we have a child under 2 together and she has 2 children from a first marriage. These children are being scarred, I have no doubt. They will pay for this as adults. She’s withheld sex, played the martyr, the whole bit. Even little things were a huge issue, she demanded I drive the family anytime we went anywhere and would be angry the few times I was tired or didn’t feel like it and when I would be driving to a place if she’d say turn here and I didn’t quickly bust a move to make the turn, I’d pay some more. She won’t speak to me, she’s very vengeful. I need ideas. What would have got through to you? Even though I know I’m the last person she’ll listen too.
Thanks,
Earl
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Earl,
It is wonderful to meet you. ๐ I am so very sorry to hear about how painful your marriage has been for both of you. This just breaks my heart.
All sin hurts people. It hurts the one who is sinning, it hurts those sinned against, and it grieves the heart of God. Even the sins we believe are “justified” because of how someone treated us and the sins that we think are “little.”
I have seen God heal hundreds of marriages. Sometimes He begins with the wife. Sometimes He begins with the husband. I don’t generally counsel men or try to tell men what to do. But I can offer some general observations of things I have seen, if you are interested.
Whether it is the husband or wife who wants to see the marriage healed, I have seen that whichever spouse begins to allow Christ to have full control in his/her own life and allows Jesus to begin to change them, that is where the most power for healing comes from.
When I counsel wives, I ask them to focus on their sin and their contribution to the mess in a broken marriage. I ask them to live out Matthew 7:1-5. For the first 14+ years of our marriage, I focused on Greg’s sins and his shortcomings and thought I was the best Christian wife ever. But all my preaching and lecturing and criticism toward Greg didn’t change him. It was not until God opened my eyes to my sin and began to change me, that good things began to happen, and, in time, God changed Greg. I didn’t.
I have seen husbands whose wives were extremely disrespectful determine to put Christ first and to get rid of any sin in their own lives and allow God to change them. And in time, God began to change their wives, too.
Although I prayed daily, sometimes 4 hours/day for God to change my husband and convict him of his sin, I was cherishing sin in my own heart – and God did not answer my prayers. But when one spouse decides to fully submit to Christ as Lord and to allow God’s Spirit to have total access to every part of their lives and heart – God changes them. Then, the spouse notices what God is doing. And when one spouse’s sin is out of the way, that person’s prayers begin to have big time weight in heaven. And that person’s words and actions begin to have more weight with the other spouse.
Only God can open people’s eyes. We can’t even open our own eyes.
In my case, I believe that if Greg had told me how much I had hurt him, I think I may have begun to understand. But he never ever said a word that I had ever done anything to cause him pain.
Some husbands DO tell their wives that they are being controlling, disrespectful, etc… and their wives just don’t “get it.” But I believe that as you focus on Christ, He can become your partner to empower you to be the man He desires you to be and then He can reach your wife.
Generally, the thing that powers a woman to be controlling is fear. Big time fear.
Here is a post about why some wives are controlling and disrespectful that may help you see what could be going on.
The more safe she feels, the better. A lot of that safety is going to have to come from Jesus. But you can also provide a stable, loving, wholesome environment where you don’t add any fuel to the fire of her fear. And, as you set a godly example through God’s power working and living in you, you will have the credibility in her eyes to begin to teach her about things about God in a loving, gentle way – like, the sovereignty of God, the Lordship of Christ, the contentment that only Jesus can bring, and you may even be able to talk about subtle idols that we don’t even realize we have (control, happiness, marriage, romance, etc…)
There are a number of posts on my site about fear, you may want to search my home page for that word, and also for bitterness, martyr, and control.
As she sees that you are truly living for Christ, and that she is safe with you, and as God’s Spirit flows abundantly through you into her and into the marriage, and you pray fervently, our God is able to do miracles. I pray with you for spiritual healing for you both and for restoration of your marriage for God’s greatest glory!
Is she willing to go to a Christian counselor with you? Or to read any books?
Much love, my brother,
April
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Hi April-The Lord is using your blog in my life!! Thank you. I am askingyou to pray with us. my husband has just been terminated from his job of 21 years. it is a complete shock to us. it is because he has a part time job as well and they are accusing him of working at his part time job while off sick at his fulltime job . it is not true and they have no solid proof. we are trusting God for His Truth be shine on this. please join with us for Gods truth to be shown and for another job for my husband. he is holding onto God like never befroe. infact he prayed that if this is what God needed to do in his life to bring him to his knees before Him, he accepts it. we have four teenagers. I know God is here with us but I beleive in the power of pray. Thank you April.may God continue to bless you and your marriage and your family.
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fam6,
I am very sorry to hear about your husband’s job situation – and the reason for it is really tough to swallow! ๐ฆ YUCK!
But how I rejoice to see y’all trusting God and praying and depending on His sovereignty and provision. What an incredible opportunity to live out your faith before your children and to involve them in prayer and for all of you to get to see the answers God provides and the goodness of God even in times of suffering, confusion, and uncertainty.
Praying for God to direct your steps and your husband’s steps – to use this to greatly deepen your faith and your children’s faith. And praying for God to provide just the right job in the right timing for His greatest glory!
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I do not like nor love my husband. He is mean, hateful, a cheater, and verbally abuses me. I regret marrying him.
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Regina,
It sounds like things have not been going well at all. ๐ฆ How can I encourage and bless you, my sister?
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Since I vented, much has changed in my life. The heavenly Father has taught me much about humbleness, humility and love. He reveals me to myself. Not the stellar picture. I only saw my pain. Jesus experienced pain, yet he purposed to do God’s will. When my Father opened my eyes, my life was renewed and he eased my suffering. We don’t have to suffer. We must forgive and love with all our heart, body and soul. I am grateful to all the many women who have planted seeds and shared on this blog. Initially, I felt anger as my heart was pricked. But, who am I? My marriage has grown through the miracle of his Grace and Mercy. I am so grateful.
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reggre,
WOOHOO! Thank you so much for sharing what God is doing in your life. What a blessing. You made my day! I praise God with you, my precious sister!
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my heart hurts for you,because I can relate,but we both has to have faith in the LORD,and be strong
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Hello! I am not sure how often you have time to check these comments, but I wanted to introduce myself personally virtually to you. My name is Lindsey and I am a huge fan of your blog! Interestingly, I am not as religious as most of your readers likely are, but I am slowly growing in my faith and find amazing value in how you teach women about Biblical femininity and Christian family values. I am probably outside of your โtarget audienceโ but I have still learned a lot from you and my marriage is better because of it. Even though I may be outside of your โtarget audienceโ, I feel as though you can speak to women like me. The reason I am writing to you today is because this is a special week for women like me.
Most of your blog talks about being a Biblical wife, but some touches on being a mother as well. Some other blogs I read about good housekeeping and traditional marriages focus even more on the wifeโs role as a mother. I find myself tabling those posts for a future date because I am not a mother yet. And that is not for a lack of trying. You see, I have been struggling with infertility for a year and a half. I have been through many, many tests, blood draws, ultrasounds, self-administered shots and several rounds of medication (up to 9 pills a day) to help me achieve my dream of being a mother. Nothing has been successful yet. I have a hormonal imbalance called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) that is preventing me and my husband from becoming parents to our own beautiful child who we can love.
Along with all of the poking and prodding that accompanies the interventions for infertility comes a lot of tears. There have been times during this year and a half that I have felt so low because I am physically incapable of fulfilling my duty as a wife without the help of modern medicine. There have been times I feel so awful because my condition causes hair loss. There have been times I have been so deeply and profoundly happy for my friends who in the time I have been under the care of my Reproductive Endocrinologist have stopped taking birth control, gotten pregnant and had beautiful babies โ babies I absolutely adore. At the same time I feel such happiness for them, I have the same level of deep and profound sadness for myself and my husband because despite our best efforts and good care, it just isnโt happening yet (I threw my best friendโs baby shower two days after I got word that we have a <1% chance of conceiving without intervention โ talk about conflicting emotions!). I have felt so alone.
I have cried, a lot. I consider myself lucky though, because I have the most amazingly supportive and strong husband to lead me, I am under the care of a Reproductive Endocrinologist with whom I am very confident, I know I am not alone (even though I choose not to discuss my struggle outside of my marriage) and I still have hope. This week (April 19-25, 2015) is National Infertility Awareness Week and the theme this year is โYou Are Not Aloneโ. I have chosen to keep my experience private, but I am writing to you in hopes that you will be able to share this on your blog so that others who may be having a similar experience will know they are not alone in the Traditional Marriage/Biblical Wife community. Sometimes it is easy to feel forgotten because we are not mothers yet. I know this is of no fault of your own or the other blog authors out there because if you havenโt experienced infertility personally, it is difficult to know how deeply it impacts a person.
Since infertility really does affect 1 in 8 couples, chances are most people know someone going through the struggle โ they just may not be speaking about their struggle. Therefore, Iโve included some links to a few good resources or both people struggling with infertility and their friends/family:
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-โฆ/home-page.html
http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/
http://www.resolve.org/โฆ/for-famโฆ/infertility-etiquette.html
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Lindsey Patrick,
It is so wonderful to hear from you! I am very sorry to hear about what a struggle infertility has been. As a pharmacist, and a friend of a number of women who have been through this process, and a woman who had to wait a lot longer to have children than I planned to – I deeply empathize with your pain, grief, sense of loss, and frustration. I am also very familiar with PCOS and the struggles that accompany it.
My precious sister the comment – “I am physically incapable of fulfilling my duty as a wife without the help of modern medicine” – concerns me greatly! Nowhere does God command that all wives must have babies no matter what. In fact, He used a number of “barren” women in the Old Testament and New Testament to eventually become the mothers of some of His greatest prophets and leaders. God has a special place in His heart for women who are bearing the pain of infertility. ๐ I wish I could hug your neck!
Thank you for sharing about this week – I didn’t realize this was National Infertility Awareness Week. I keep my blog confined to the topic of being a godly wife – but this is a wonderful thing that you are sharing and I appreciate you letting us know about it. ๐
How is your relationship with Christ? I am so thankful for your husband’s strong support, leadership, and love. And I am glad you have a doctor in whom you trust.
I want to also let you know – that you are precious, valuable, cherished, and loved by God just because He made you – not because you are able to have children. Children are wonderful. They are a blessing. But they are not the highest purpose in life. Neither is marriage. Christ is able to fill the voids and pain in our hearts in ways that nothing in this life ever could.
I don’t know God’s will or plan for you and your husband – but I do know the path to supernatural peace, joy, contentment under any circumstances, fulfillment, acceptance, and overflowing spiritual life. I hope you might check out this post about that.
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Thank you so much for you kind words, April! You really do inspire me. I guess I do need to reframe my view of being able to give my husband a baby as a wifely duty. I will remind myself of what you said about “barren” women being able to contribute. Even though I am confident my day will come and I won’t be “barren” forever thanks to modern medicine, I sometimes struggle with being patient with this. Sometimes (like yesterday while attending a baptism celebration for a friend’s baby), I find myself angry and resentful that God has given me this issue to overcome. I need to ask for forgiveness for that.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I have read your reply several times and it has comforted my heart each time. I truly thank you.
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Lindsey Patrick,
I’m so glad to hear from you! ๐
I have been thinking of you and praying for you. I long to see you experience God’s peace and His purpose even now in your life. I long to see you find fulfillment and contentment in Him because He is enough. I pray He might bless you with a baby if that is His will. But more than that, I pray for you to experience your worth in Christ as a woman regardless of your role as wife or mother. You are so very valuable to God! You don’t have to be a certain thing or do a certain thing to have value. You have value because God made you and He loves you. And you can have total contentment, peace, joy, and fulfillment in Christ alone regardless of your circumstances. This is SUCH GOOD NEWS! ๐
I’m sure that baby showers and even FB can be very difficult for you at times. I pray that you might keep your eyes on Christ – not on babies around you. He is your Hope, your Strength, your Rock, and your Identity.
I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you – even if it may be different from what you have planned. My life is certainly very different from what I had planned years ago! His wisdom is so much higher than our own. He truly knows what we each need. He is our Good Shepherd. I pray you can rest in His love, sovereignty, and provision for you. Enjoy your amazing hubby!
Much love!
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Hi,
I’m having problem with my husband.We r living seperately me,him and a 2yr old son.When we r alone, no problem will come.But when we went to his parent’s house,lot of problems will come, like, he wants me to work for his parent,sister,brother,everyone there.Even he will not treat me well.He will order me like a servent before their family members.I want him to speak wit me in a loving manner before others.But I didnt get that.
But now the problem is, after one and a half year after our marriage,we had our first fight.At that time, he told me that he lived with me with mightiness as he is generous,because I had a scar in my right thigh.We didnt told him about the scar before marriage.I dont know that this scar will become a very big problem in my life.
Now, I dont want to live with him as he hurted me a lot.But my parents wont allow me to depart.I believe in God.But how long I can bear his hurting words.Even after he hurted me, we lived for one and a half years.But again during a fight, he told the same before his dad and brother.I dont like being criticized before other gents.They ll came to know about my personal.I dont know why my husband talked before them about a part in my body.I felt so ashamed on this.
I didnt do any mistake on this.I got the scar when I was 11yr old by a silencer in a bike.
According to Christian life,departing from husband is not a wise thing.But it seemed to be an unloving life.I am crying and praying, but I dont know the solution
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Rose,
My precious sister… how my heart breaks for you.
What is your husband’s relationship with Christ to your knowledge?
How is your walk with Christ going?
I am kind of surprised that a scar would be that big of a deal. But – he feels you should have told him before you got married?
I can understand why you don’t want your husband to criticize your body in front of his family. That would be hurtful.
Is this the only issue in the marriage?
What is your husband’s parents’ marriage like?
What culture are you both from?
Do his parents support the marriage?
How does your husband treat you in general?
Much love to you! Sending you the biggest hug!
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I’ll answer to your questions one by one.
After marriage, we didnt went to church for 6 months as he is more angry towards God as God had given me to him.At the beginning I had went to a church alone.He ll drop me in that catholic church. Im a protestant.The service order ll be different.Then I had started asking him to come to church.He told that he ll come to church after one yr.Only one day he had red the bible personally on march 3rd, 2014.
I’ll read bible everyday.But when Im fighting with my husband, I’ll read but I’m not concentrating deeply.
We had started doing family prayer everyday before some months.I asked him to pray.But he told that he ll read the bible and I have to pray.We had done this nearly 5 months.But after this fight, we had stopped.He is staying in a separate room now.
For the first one year, he had never spoke to me anything about my scar.But he had told to his mom’s sister, the next day after marriage.Sometimes my mother-in-law asked me about that in the first three months.At that time,I ‘ll cry separately but ll not tell my husband.When we had our first fight, I told him that my mother-in-law hurted regarding the scar.For that, he told he is living with me with mightiness to support his mom.
The reason why I didnt tell this to my husband is, I dont know much about sex.I dont think that there ll be a neccesity to show my thighs to him.One more reason is, he didnt talked with me before marriage.He is saying that my parent should have to tell that before.I dont know why my parent didnt tell that.But I thinking that, if I talked anything, he ll blame me for that.
This is not the only issue.Lot of issues are there.The main issue from the beginning is he asked his parent to see a bride who is lean and good complexion.But they didnt do that.Im not so lean and so good complexion.For that, he didnt talked with his mom for a month after marriage.From the beginning, he ll not respect my parent when they came to our house even though Im talking with his relatives.
My husband’s parent are not fighting with each other.They are having two houses, one in the village and another in the city.Most of the time, my mother-in-law will stay in the city house and father-in-law in village as he is a farmer.
Our culture is totally different.My parents are educated.His parents are uneducated.Me and my husband are equally educated.According to his family, husbands ll never sit and talk with wife and husband ll be the deciding authority.In my family, they ll ever sit together and discuss things together.
His parents only decided our marriage.In the beginning, my husband ll not talk with me.At that time I had asked him the reason.He told that his parents compelled him to marry me.Also he told me one thing, my father-in-law told to him before marriage, “if we saw an alliance, decided the date, then we cancelled, then the bride ll suicide, then we have to face the police”.Thats why he married me.
In general, he ll not talk much with me.Not only him, I saw in his family, noone is talking with each other, all are doing their own work.He is working in a software company.So he always works in the system.I got too bored sometimes.I’ll come and sit sit him to talk.But he ll not talk more.He ll talk very less.Whenever I went to talk with him, he ll try to have sex.
He ll buy toys for our son(Max).But he ll not play with him.Max ll call him to play.He ll not be interested.He ll not take care of Max.According to him, ladies only should take care of children.
Sometimes he ll chat with some ladies unwantedly.One day he chatted in untime at 1:00 am.I asked him about that.He beated me.
He ll always say one thing “if you accuse me, then I’ll hurt you”.This is his policy.According to him, a wife should be very quiet, do all the works,take care of child, and to satisfy him by all means.
Even he is very angry towards me, he ll not start the fight.He ll wait patiently for me to start.But he ll behave oddly. When I asked him the reason, then he ll start the fight.Three years had gone like this.My parents ll not allow me to depart.
Those who r advising me ll say that I have to wait patiently.But if I’m quiet, he ll started ruling me more. He ll order me more when we went to his house.He wants me to work for all members in his house.When I’m asked him about this, he is saying that, a man is marrying a woman to take care of his parents.
We are separately living for 350 days.Im doing all the works for him.He is not satisfied.We are going to his house for just 10 days. There only our fight starts every time as Im not working for his parents.
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Rose,
Goodness. What a mess.
Let me share with you what marriage is supposed to look like, my precious sister:
This is an excerpt from The Danvers Statement – from the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
Affirmations
Based on our understanding of Biblical teachings, we affirm the following:
1. Both Adam and Eve were created in Godโs image, equal before God as persons and distinct in their manhood and womanhood (Gen 1:26-27, 2:18).
2. Distinctions in masculine and feminine roles are ordained by God as part of the created order, and should find an echo in every human heart (Gen 2:18, 21-24; 1 Cor 11:7-9; 1 Tim 2:12-14).
3. Adamโs headship in marriage was established by God before the Fall, and was not a result of sin (Gen 2:16-18, 21-24, 3:1-13; 1 Cor 11:7-9).
4. The Fall introduced distortions into the relationships between men and women (Gen 3:1-7, 12, 16).
1. In the home, the husbandโs loving, humble headship tends to be replaced by domination or passivity; the wifeโs intelligent, willing submission tends to be replaced by usurpation or servility.
2. In the church, sin inclines men toward a worldly love of power or an abdication of spiritual responsibility, and inclines women to resist limitations on their roles or to neglect the use of their gifts in appropriate ministries.
5. The Old Testament, as well as the New Testament, manifests the equally high value and dignity which God attached to the roles of both men and women (Gen 1:26-27, 2:18; Gal 3:28). Both Old and New Testaments also affirm the principle of male headship in the family and in the covenant community (Gen 2:18; Eph 5:21-33; Col 3:18-19; 1 Tim 2:11-15).
6. Redemption in Christ aims at removing the distortions introduced by the curse.
1. In the family, husbands should forsake harsh or selfish leadership and grow in love and care for their wives; wives should forsake resistance to their husbandsโ authority and grow in willing, joyful submission to their husbandsโ leadership (Eph 5:21-33; Col 3:18-19; Tit 2:3-5; 1 Pet 3:1-7).
2. In the church, redemption in Christ gives men and women an equal share in the blessings of salvation; nevertheless, some governing and teaching roles within the church are restricted to men (Gal 3:28; 1 Cor 11:2-16; 1 Tim 2:11-15).
7. In all of life Christ is the supreme authority and guide for men and women, so that no earthly submission-domestic, religious, or civil-ever implies a mandate to follow a human authority into sin (Dan 3:10-18; Acts 4:19-20, 5:27-29; 1 Pet 3:1-2).
God does command wives to honor their husbands’ leadership, yes. And we are to respect our husbands, yes. Husbands are also commanded to be gentle with their wives, not harsh – or their prayers will not be answered (I Peter 3:7). And husbands are commanded by God to love their wives selflessly as Christ loved the church and died for her. They are commanded to love their wives as their own bodies, and to love them in the way that I Corinthians 13:4-8 describes – unconditional love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.
This is how all believers are to love all other people – but especially spouses – and especially husbands are to love their wives this way to demonstrate God’s love for His people.
It sounds to me like your husband has very different expectations about marriage based on his parents’ marriage and his past. It is NOT ok for him to beat you.
Are there any resources for abused wives in your country? A safe place for women to go? Do you have The Salvation Army there? Do they have godly, Christian marriage counselors in your country?
What do you say when he orders you to serve his family?
How is your relationship with Christ going, my precious sister?
Much love to you!
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There r many resources for ladies. Christian marriage counselors are here.
I had already told you that we had our first fight only after an year.When we went to his house, he asked me to work for all.I had done the works.But I dont like that.So I decided not to work for them.So I had started the fight.After that when I went to their house for the next time, I didnt work.My husband didnt like this.He is always saying that Im not doing any works in their house especially during fights.Also he asked me to stay in their house with their parents and sister but he’ll not be there.I didnt done that too.
I know this is a mistake.But Im not willing to work for them or to stay with them.They ll not talk with me.I know they r hating me.My mother-in-law will talk some hurting words when my husband is not in home.When he is home, she ll not talk anything.But he is thinking that Im hating them and they are loving me.Please tell me the solution.Because this problem will not have an end.Whenever we will go there, the same problem will repeat.Im not obeying to my husband in this.He is saying that “a man is marrying a woman to do works for his parents”.I cant accept this.
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Rose,
How is your walk with Christ going? What are you praying for?
What do you believe God is calling you to do, my sweet sister?
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Im praying to God to make me a good pot. But what shall I do if my mother-in-law ll behave like a boss to me or she ll hurt me
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Rose,
I am not very familiar with your culture. She would treat you like a servant? What do you mean she will hurt you?
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Rose,
Work for them – do the house work you mean?
Is this normal in your culture?
What has your mother in law said to you?
Did you know his expectations when you got married?
The key to what you should do is going to be found as you seek Christ with all your heart and seek to honor and please Him and allow Him to be Lord of your life. He can show you what to do and give you the power you need to be the wife He wants you to be.
How is your relationship with Christ going?
Much love!
April
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Im praying to God everyday.
My husband asked me to do household works for them.
Mother-in-law will criticise me, like, “u hv under eye circles”,” ur teeth is not good”,
I dont know his expectations before marriage.
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I’m expecting a reply from you that I have to be submissive.I had tried that too.The more I’m submissive, the more he will supress
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April,
You have no idea how helpful your blogs have been to me recently. I stumbled across your blog after a google search because I was desperate to get some wisdom for my situation.
I printed off several so I could go back and re-read them, and I carried them as reminders on how to treat my husband in difficult situations.
The blog that’s helped the most, is “There Is No Respectful Way to Insult Your Husband” – at this time in our marriage, I can honestly say my husband vacillates back and forth between the two types of men you illustrate in your writings, due to anxiety. (which came about suddenly 2 years ago)
He has seen a change in me, I read the blog to him – and he could see the decisions I have made in applying your thoughts to our marriage.
I look forward to getting back to the woman God designed for me to be, and I know your blogs are a strong step in the right direction.
Thank you – Cara
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Cara S,
Thanks for sharing! I’m so excited to meet you and I am thrilled about what God is doing in your life and in your marriage. Please let me know how you are doing! I’m glad we can be on this journey together. ๐
Was there an event that triggered your husband’s anxiety?
Much love to you!
godly femininity
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Hi,
I stumbled across your blog this evening and am hoping you may be able to offer some advice.
I have a younger sister who has been married for 7 years. Her husband is a great provider and regularly helps friends in need and his widowed mother. However, his is very controlling in many aspects.
(DETAILS REMOVED IN MODERATION TO PROTECT THIS COUPLE’S PRIVACY – PEACEFULWIFE)
He refuses to acknowledge that she could hold a view that is different to his and simply ignores her or works extra hours up to 15hrs a day or spends time away from their home until she apologises for voicing her thoughts. (I’ve been present when these ‘discussions’ take place – she’s not disrespectful towards him in any way.)
She has pleaded with him for several years to attend Christian couples counselling but he has always refused until the beginning of this year when she told him that unless things change she would leave him at the end of the year. He has attended a couple of sessions but as far as he is concerned she simply needs to be completely submissive and do as she is told. He told the counsellor that he is never wrong so its her fault that she feels unhappy. He will not pay for any more sessions.
Her depression has been increasing even more and I don’t know how to help her. She is very loyal towards her husband and has only spoken to me about this 2-3 times in the course of their marriage, and only this year. She has become very submissive over the years but it has only led to him growing more dominant towards her.
As far as I’m concerned, they need a miracle. Do you have any ideas about how I can support them and what I could suggest to her?
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Deborah,
It’s wonderful to meet you! I can tell you love your sister very much and want to see her have a healthy marriage and life. It would be SO difficult to watch your own sister be poorly treated and to feel powerless to help.
I am sure she is feeling quite depressed considering how controlling her husband has been. That is the opposite of the dynamics in my marriage – my husband tended to be passive, I was the controlling, dominant one. So – I don’t have personal first-hand experience being in a marriage with a controlling husband. I have some guest posts now and then by wives with more dominant husbands – some of those may be helpful.
– controlling husband posts
I believe that Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas may possibly be helpful.
What did the counselor say to your sister in that first session? What did the counselor say about your brother-in-law’s statement that he is never wrong?
It sounds to me – if what you are describing is accurate – that your sister may need help. But trying to help a woman with a very controlling husband can be extremely difficult.
How is her walk with Christ?
Is she safe?
It sounds like she may be “overly submissive.” The post “A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage” may be helpful. Also:
“Spiritual Authority”
Husbands Are Never the Absolute Authority
And the first and tenth chapter of Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood may be helpful for her to read. There is a free download at http://www.cbmw.org/resources/
Is there a godly mentoring wife she can talk to/pray with?
It’s possible that she may be able to find godly, biblical counseling with The Salvation Army.
Praying for wisdom for her and for you! Much love to you both. I want to see healing in this situation and God’s greatest glory in your sister’s life, her husband’s life, your life, and their marriage.
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Deborah,
And, of course, prayer is one of the most powerful things you can do for her if you are walking in close fellowship with Christ yourself! ๐
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I have been reading so much of your blog and trying to put into practice these principles. I am just so discouraged, because my husband seems to have vendettas against all the females in his life. Me, his mom, his stepmom, my mom. I know I can only control my behavior, but seeing him be callous and insensitive to my mom and his mom and stepmom breaks my heart. It would be a very long story to describe everything, but a short version is he sees women as the cause of all his troubles in life. It’s 100% his mom’s fault for his parents’ divorce, his problems at his dad’s house after the divorce are 100% his stepmom’s fault, etc. He has had some hard knocks, but all these people care about him, as do I. I know God can work out a purpose in all this family strife, but it has been going on for decades now. I’d like to see his family and my mom more than we do, but he tries to have very little to do with them and when we do visit he ignores them and gives them the silent treatment, even so far as not saying please or thank you. Can my trying to be a peaceful wife somehow help him with his issues with women?
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Anna,
Goodness, I am so sorry that things are so very painful for you and for your husband. It sounds like he has been deeply wounded by women. But I am so thankful that God may decide to use you to help heal some of those wounds – through His Spirit’s power, of course.
I believe that God may use your respect and willingness to honor his masculinity and his leadership to help him begin to heal and to stand tall. He may want to read “Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood” if he is open to it. At least chapters 1 and 10. There is a free download at http://www.cbmw.org/resources/
God can absolutely work out His purposes even after all of the strife this family has had – He is sovereign even in this family, thankfully!
It may be that God desires you to focus primarily on Himself and on becoming a blessing to and ministering to your husband’s wounded soul for awhile?
Praying or God’s wisdom for you and for Him to intervene in your husband’s heart. I have seen many men find healing for childhood wounds from their moms and stepmoms through the strength, respect, and blessing of a godly wife.
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Hello PW,
Thank you so, much for your work; God has truly anointed you for this season. I just stumble up on your website and wanted to know have you addressed women/wife dressing attire. I would like your spiritual insight to have some constructed dialogue about the matter.
What does modest apparel means to you in the 21st century.
Again, thank you for accepting God’s call.
Great work
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Randy,
It is great to meet you, my brother! ๐
You may search “modesty” and “skirts” on my home page to find the posts I have in this topic.
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Hi,
I just found your blog as I was searching the internet to try to get strength to resist atemptation. I caught my husband in an affair about 9 months ago and even after catching him, he decided to go on a 2-week vacation with his mistress. That hurt, obviously. I choose to forgive him, and seek for God to heal our marriage. I am struggling though. While he was gone on his trip with the other woman, I was at our friend’s party one evening and at the end of the evening, I ended up giving in to the advances of a man. I felt awful for what I did and vowed to God that I wouldn’t do again.
How easy it is to make promises that are difficult to keep. 5 months later, we were invited to a party at this man’s house (who is also married). Now, he is writing me on facebook and trying to get me to go out with him. I felt led to go to church 2 weeks ago (I hadn’t been in a while) and the whole message was about adultery…I cried with the realization of how much the Lord loves me to bring me there that day to hear the message so that I could turn and repent. After that, I told the man about the message at church and that we couldn’t talk to each to other. It felt so freeing. Though, I still was struggling with thinking about him.
Then 2 days ago, he sends a “Hi” message and I fell back into the idea that maybe it would be ok! After reading your blog post about resisting adultery & temptation, I just sent him a message again telling him we have to stop talking to each other.
I am writing to ask for prayer, if you have the time. I never thought that this would happen to me and that I would struggle so much with being strong, but here I am.
Thank you for your blog and your heart for the Lord.
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Jessica,
We are ALL prone to fall into this kind of temptation if we don’t guard our hearts and stay VERY, VERY close to Christ! None of us are exempt.
Please block this man on FB or get off of FB if that is a source of great temptation. Do not talk with him anymore. This is not something to play with – it can destroy your marriage if you allow him to stay in the periphery or you keep him on your FB friend list. Stay close to Christ. Get into His Word daily. Pray fervently. Ask Him to draw you closer to Himself. Be willing to let God show you anything in your life that needs to go – and seek Him with all your heart, my precious sister!
How has your walk with Christ been going?
Praying for you to keep your eyes on Jesus, to spend your time praising and thanking Him and learning and growing in your faith, and for you to shoot down any thoughts of this tempting man and not allow yourself to think about going there. But focus on becoming the woman and wife God calls you to be for His glory! There is every reason for hope in Christ!
We have all been forgiven MUCH, so we can love Jesus MUCH! Let’s not go back into those sinful ways – but let’s give the Holy Spirit total freedom to radically transform our hearts, minds, and lives!
Godly femininity
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Thank you for your reply and prayer. My walk with Jesus has been shaky lately. I haven’t been going to church much since my husband’s affair and he never goes. I find myself getting upset (but say nothing) about the fact that he is supposed to be leading us in our walk with Christ, and instead he stays up all night drinking. It has been a rough 2 years as he is struggling with depression, anxiety, insomnia, and alcohol. However, I am trying to guard my heart and seek the Lord. Sometimes I do fear the “what if I fall out of belief?” Anyways, I don’t think that I would have such conviction that I need to seek the Lord and that committing adultery is wrong, even though my husband did it to me, if I didn’t have Jesus in my life. It is a daily struggle to fight back thoughts of resentment. I think that I have enabled him and while I never say hateful things or belittle him, I think that I probably have made him feel that he isn’t fully respected by me being too in-control.
I asked if he would come to counseling, but he has gotten so turned off to counseling because of the last year of seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for his issues, that he doesn’t want to go to “marriage counseling.” He also says that he doesn’t think it says anywhere in the bible that a man cannot be with multiple women, but he is very clear about the fact that he thinks women should only be with one man. He threatens that he will divorce me if I ever cheat on him (or if he gets really mad about anything, really). I have tried to lovingly point out that while there were men in the bible that had multiple women, Jesus’ teachings clearly show that he believed marriage should be between one man and one woman, and neither should commit adultery. He doesn’t seem to believe me though. I appreciate your prayer. I am hopeful that Jesus will bring us through this with our marriage intact.
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Jessica,
My prayer for you is that you will take the time you need to really seek Christ with all your heart and to be as close to Him as possible yourself. I have LOTS of posts about that very thing – and I am happy to direct you to specific topics if you are interested.
I am really concerned about the severity of the issues you and your husband have been involved in. Are you able to seek out a godly Christian counselor (preferably a godly woman who lives out God’s design for marriage and is totally devoted to Christ) for yourself?
Your husband’s beliefs about adultery and marriage do not line up with Scripture, as you know. ๐ฆ It is scary how easily we humans can deceive ourselves when we are in sin.
Is he repentant at this point?
Do you have a Celebrate Recovery group around or a Christian support group for spouses of alcoholics you can plug into?
Have you repented for your sin to your husband? Does he know about your affair?
Is he still drinking and getting drunk?
Are you still living together?
Is there somewhere you can go until he is willing to repent and rebuild trust and get help for his alcoholism?
I think you are going to need some individualized and one-on-one attention from an experienced biblical counselor who can help walk you through all of these issues.
I am praying for wisdom for you and for God to draw you and your husband to Himself!
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Ok, so I have blocked the tempting man on facebook and blocked his phone number on my phone so I can’t receive calls or messages from him, and I deleted his phone number. Whew! Part of me did not want to do that, but after reading your reply and talking to a christian wife friend who has been through a similar situation, I did it.
As for my husband, no, he does not know about the affair. I don’t plan to tell him because he would demand to know who and that would potentially damage the lives of the other man’s 4 innocent children and his wife. My husband has said he is sorry for his affair and that it is over. I still struggle with trusting him about that, but that is what he says. Yes, he is still drinking and getting drunk. We still live with each other, and I would prefer for us to work through our issues without separating, if possible. He wants to work on our marriage, but he says he does not want to stop drinking now. He says one day he will, but not now. This makes it hard since he won’t admit that he has a problem with alcohol (He can drink half a bottle of whiskey in a night). I am going to see if I can find a biblical counselor that I can see by myself since he doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling.
I really appreciate your prayers and your words. Your blog is a blessing for me, and for many. Thank you.
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Jessica,
I Pray God will give you wisdom about when to share about your affair. It is hard for me to see why he needs to repent and regain trust, but you don’t have to follow the same standard. I totally understand not wanting to tell him. But I just wonder if that is wise. I pray for God to nudge you about what He desires you to do in order to make things right with Him and your husband.
I have not had experience personally with an alcoholic husband and I am not a trained counselor for those who are dealing with alcoholism. But – I wonder if it is truly possible to actually heal and work on the marriage while living together if he refuses to stop drinking? I’m not sure how you can work on the marriage together in such a situation. I pray for God to provide the resources you need and the power of His Spirit to navigate these difficult and painful decisions.
Much love to you!
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My husband is an alcoholic. I go to Alanon and receive Christian counseling. It is possible to stay with your husband but, you must playfully and carefully work on what boundaries and tools you must use with few exceptions. Your children must also follow you lead. I stay in the Word daily before I ever interact with my husband in the mornings. I pray for my family, my husband, and myself several times a day. Alcoholism leaves a void in your families’ hearts and you become very vulnerable. Your husband is not well and can not fulfill His role properly so it is very very important for God to do so. Be careful of your teenage daughters and sons who can fill that void with the world. Live Godly ideals and allow your children to see another way to handle the stress of this life. God has a better way. Oh, sister have hope. Know that no matter what God is with you. There is a way to honor you marriage covenant. You need help. Alcoholism is a disease and unfortunately it reeks havoc on a family and the physical and spiritual health of that family. Read a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. Read it first with yourself in mind. Read it again with your husband in mind. Again, seek counseling and realize an alcoholic lies and deceives. Look only upon their actions because their words are easily spoken under the influence. God bless and may you both find support and treatment soon.
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Vickie,
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I appreciate your encouragement to our sister, greatly! I pray that God might continue to give you His wisdom and power to do exactly what He desires you to do and that He might draw your husband to Himself.
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I am making success on “think before I speak.” But there are times I’m stressed, tired ,impatient and my husband can tell by my body language. A sigh. Shoulder stiffening. I feel it’s as bad as nagging or getting attitude. How can I control this? It’s easier to think before speaking, but a physical reactions almost involuntary. Help I don’t want him to feel hurt or disrespected.
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Hi Tami,
You may want to watch April’s video ‘ why non verbal disrespect is so disrespectful to our husbands’ that may help
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Hi April.
I just wondering, have you or any of your readers that you know of said ” but if I submit, he will expect me to do this…” I want to submit, and in a lot of ways i am submissive. But he Is a perfectionist and I know he has certain expectations about how the house is run or how the children are trained and behave. And some areas of child training or homemaking I’m hopeless at. (Scheduling, meal planing etc) and I’m afraid he will expect me to start doing those things well and I’m just not good at it. He has tried setting up a schedule before to help me but it was very rigid and hard to follow. And I told him so.He has also told me he isn’t concerned with me submitting per se, he wants more respect than anything else. I just feel there are ways that I am not very submissive in or I struggle with a lot and I want to conquer those areas.do you have any suggestions. ( or any of your readers) as to how to solve my delimma?
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Anon,
Submitting to a perfectionist could be very challenging. I can definitely imagine! I am a former perfectionist, and I was pretty oppressive to live with. My husband is actually pretty laid back, and doesn’t even like to ask me to do anything for him. So I don’t have personal experience with this issue. But a number of wives have shared things like:
1. Ask him for the 3 most important things and focus on those.
2. Let him know you really want to please him in everything, but you have a finite amount of time, energy and ability.
3. Be willing to try things his way whenever possible, if something is really important to him, especially.
4. Be prepared to give a lot of grace.
Has he been able to verbalize what respect means to him?
Could he be trying to lead you and help you and make your life easier with his suggestions if homeschooling, scheduling, homemaking, administration, and meal planning is challenging for you?
Is he willing to help you with some of these things?
Much love to you!
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Hi April,
I know he feels disrespected if the house is a mess, if we haven’t done what he asks by the time he comes home, and if the children haven’t pulled their weight and I’ve been left to do all the work. He often says he wants to help but because there is often chaos he doesn’t know where to jump in. And so he doesn’t do anything. If the house is too messy for him either he will sit outside until he feels happy enough to enter, or he will find the tidiest room and stay there for the rest of the day. Or all day if he isn’t working and we struggle to get on top of it all.
He also hates it when I complain about my day or the children’s bad behaviour while he is at work. He says it makes him feel like he doesn’t want to come home. But he does anyway. Or he will go for a drive to calm down before he comes home.
He also says I never listen to him if he asks me to fix something. But if a friend or stranger makes the same comment all of a sudden I act on it. If I try and share my struggles he says I’m complaining. Or whining. And it ends in an argument. He says if I’m struggling with something or want to whine, tell God about it. Not him. Which is fine. But when I do that, I still feel anxious or upset and my only release it seems is to talk about it. If I keep a journal, he says he doesn’t like it because it makes him feel like I’m keeping secrets from him. Or writing down my complaints about him.
I also tell him why I’ve done or said something, and he says I’m making excuses. Feeling frustrated. He is a good husband and father.but I’m just feeling very confused and frustrated.
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Anon,
Are you dealing with any issues like ADD or health issues like thyroid problems or anything? How old are the children?
Were things always like this, or has it gotten worse since you have had children?
How did your mom handle housekeeping and organization?
How much sleep are you getting?
Are you getting enough quality time with God?
How is your walk with Christ going?
Is there something on your plate you can get rid of to reduce your stress levels?
How do you handle disciplining the children? Do you have a plan, or do you find yourself just reacting in frustration and anger a lot?
How did your parents discipline you?
Do you have too much stuff in the house? Would it help to pack away some of the kids’ toys and only have a few toys out at a time and rotate them every few weeks?
Are you allowing the children to help with chores?
Is he right about that you don’t take his suggestions or ideas?
How do you share your struggles? How long do you talk about them? What tone of voice do you use?
Much love to you!
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I am taking a multivitamin and vitamin D. Otherwise my health is fine.
I have 8 children aged 11,9,8,6,5,4,2 & 16 months.
I have always struggled with housework even before kids. At first, it was just plain laziness. Now, not much laziness on my part.
Growing up, I remember my mother cooking occasionally, but my father did most of the housework and cooking. And he refused to teach us any housekeeping skills and he was/is a pack rat. And my mother didn’t teach us any cooking skills or sewing etc either.
On a good night, I get about 7-8 hours sleep.
We have family bible time once a day, I get very little spare time to do a personal quiet time. And when I have spare time, I struggle to stay awake.
I don’t leave the house much. And I homeschool my kids. I don’t do much else.
I sporadically spank the children. I tend to be rather vocal. If I think I am spanking the children too much I start to feel really bad about it. And question if I am spanking for the right reason. I don’t want to spank for every infraction. But I do believe spanking should be a part of the child raising process. I don’t generally have a plan. And my husband isn’t too happy about that. ( currently working on that though)
I was spanked as a child. My parents often did it out of frustration and I feel were too permissive.
We are hoping to move house. And so we have purposely packed up most of our stuff and have very little in the house. Just basics. But cupboards tend to be emptied, things don’t get put away, things get broken etc.
My oldest helps with chores, my second oldest reluctantly helps with chores and the others help here and there. But not much. And there’s no plan as to who does what.
I hear his suggestions. And sometimes take his advice. But I also forget what he said. If I tell him I forgot he suggested it. He says I’m making excuses and that I do remember.
I usually use a normal tone of voice. Although I sometimes may sound frustrated or a little peeved. But a usually speak in a normal voice.i may just tell him as to the point as I can if I have an issue. Otherwise he gets impatient.
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Anon,
That is a LOT going on at your house! Is this a blended family, or are all of the children biologically yours and your husbands or (adopted by both of you together)?
Does your husband support you homeschooling, or what does he think you should do about education?
Having 8 children with no system and no set structure about chores and discipline and housework would inevitably be total chaos.
Here is a system my sister uses – she has four children and homeschools them. She summarized this system for me, I haven’t had a chance to read the site yet. I can’t vouch for what the site says, only that what my sister shared sounded biblical and sane and organized.
http://amblesideonline.org/
Also, for tips on housekeeping and keeping a housekeeping schedule, The Fly Lady has a helpful site. wwwflylady.net
I would love for you to work with your husband to get the chaos reigned in. I suggest writing down your husband’s suggestions in a notebook and attempt to implement any that you can. Then he will feel respected and see that you are working with him as a team. If he is willing to write out his suggestions and ideas, that would be ideal. Put them in a place where you will not lose them and begin to work on implementing them before you do any other system.
All of the children are old enough to do something to help – down to the 2 and 16 month olds. They can pick up toys and put them in a basket/box. The other ones can learn to help with laundry, dishes, vacuuming, taking out the trash, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, etc… at age appropriate levels. They could each have a morning chore, an afternoon chore, and an evening chore. This is going to require having a chart and a specific chore schedule for each child each day of the week. Children thrive on responsibility and routine – so you are doing them a great service by teaching them to take care of these chores and you are preparing them for real life. You are also involving them so that you are not the only one doing all of these chores.
Age Appropriate Chores for Children – Focus on the Family http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting-challenges/motivating-kids-to-clean-up/age-appropriate-chores
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Thank you April, I will look into the sites you suggested. I’ve been trying to put a bare bones routine on paper. And I plan to implement it. I have also come up with some other discipline techniques that don’t require a smack and are effective. My next step is to work out chores. Writing down my husbands suggestions are a great idea! Will try that out.
All the children are ours. No multiples. None are adopted. I forgot to mention. My 8 year old is severely disabled. And requires more attention and care. But probably doesn’t get enough as I’m always helping someone else. And they go out to a school 5 days a week. So hopefully this will help free up my time. ๐
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Oh, goodness, Anon!
You do have so much on your plate!
I am excited that you are planning to start a routine and working on seeking to discipline with godly motives and godly results – whatever methods you decide to use.
Praying for wisdom and the power of God’s Spirit for you and your husband, my precious sister! Praying for God to be greatly glorified in your family, your marriage, your life, and your children’s lives!
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Thank you April. Will let you know how I go.
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Hi April,
I just discovered your blog, and already I have been spending all my spare moments just reading through your articles. I know I’m going to be spending a lot more time here, gleaning from your wisdom.
Just wanted to say thank you!
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Seriouslyserving,
You are most welcome. I pray that God might speak to you clearly and powerfully and that He might richly bless your walk with Christ. ๐ All glory belongs to Him alone!
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Dear Peaceful Wife,
I just discovered your site today, which is weird because I have looked up the topic many times and most of what I read on other sites had me more confused and hurt and frustrated and thinking, “I am doing all the right things. How can he find me disrespectful? He just doesn’t love me or care about all the things I do to please him. I get more joy in pleasing others than myself and when I can’t please someone I really beat myself up. Anyway, I could go on and on, but I don’t want you to have to read a book:) I would really like to challenge myself with daily reading/prayer/patience and would like to know where to start. Do you have a plan on your site that you could refer me to? Something maybe like the movie “Fireproof” where the man sticks to the challenge for 40 days and trusts God.
Thank you for taking the time to help couples.
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Claudia,
It’s great to meet you! I”m so glad that what you have read so far here has been helpful.
There is a link at the top of my home page to Join the Peacefulwife for The Respect Dare. The Respect Dare by Nina Roesner is a 40 day book of challenges. There is a personal testimony, a lesson, and a dare for each day. Nina asked me to write a series to go along with her book two summers ago that covers the same topic each day as the chapter in the book. I think you could do The Respect Dare alone, or my posts alone, or both. ๐
And, if you are a people pleaser, you may want to search my home page search bar for the following terms:
– idol
– idolatry
– people pleasing
– contentment
Much love to you! Let me know how you are doing. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you. Take all the time you need. This process is much like eating an elephant. You have to take small bites and chew them well. You can’t absorb it all in a day or a week or even a few months.
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Thank you SO much for responding:) I cannot tell you how relieved and comforted I am to have found your site. It is exactly what I have been looking for. I love my man more than words and I am so excited to gain the right knowledge,encouragement and tools to make him feel loved through his need for respect instead of how I need to feel loved. I am purchasing The Respect Dare today. Many Blessings to you!
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Claudia,
You are most welcome! Let me know how you are doing. ๐
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Claudia,
Oh! And please be sure to read the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect. Those are some very helpful places to start, as well as the post about spiritual authority. I also have a Youtube channel, April Cassidy, with lots of videos you can watch if you are interested. ๐
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Hello April,
Recently, I came across your YouTube video on head coverings. I have heard several different views on when a woman should begin wearing a head covering. Some say head coverings only need to be worn by married women, while others argue that even if we are unmarried God has a spouse planned for us and we should cover our heads out of respect for our future husbands. I was wandering what your opinion is on this matter. Is 1 Corinthians 11: 1-16 directed toward both married and unmarried individuals?
-I am not married, and I won’t be for several years as I am only fifteen, but I want to honor God’s ideals for marriage.
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Alicia,
It’s wonderful to meet you! I love your heart to honor God. There are differing views on this issue. The word for woman/wife in I Corinthians 11 – in my understanding – can mean both “woman” or “wife.” So, it is hard to know for certain. Some unmarried Christian women do cover their heads in respect for their parents’ authority. Some wait to cover their heads until they are married.
I pray God might give you wisdom about what He might like for you to do. You could speak with your parents about it, if you’d like – especially if they are believers.
Much love to you!
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April,
Thank you for the reply, I really appreciate it. I will definitely talk to both my father and my Heavenly Father about the issue. Thank you also for your prayer and have a wonderful day.
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Alicia,
You are most welcome. ๐ I am excited about what God is already doing in your heart!
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April, awhile ago, you and another wife mentioned a book that discusses how moms can show respect for their sons. I cannot find the post where this was mentioned. If you recall the name of this book, it would be much appreciated! Thank you.
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Mrs. G.,
I know that Nina Roesner talks a bit about this on her blog (she is the author of The Respect Dare). And a wife shared that there is a new book, I think it is something like Love and Respect in the Family by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Does that sound right?
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That may be the one…I know that you said that it was helping you to relate better to your son. I will check that one out, although I read the love and respect book so I think that author would have rung a bell with me.
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Hello! I came across your blog and saved it on my favorites immediately!!! ๐ I can’t wait to read all that you have posted.
I do have a current issue (Which is how I found your blog), Iโm hoping you or anyone else is able to respond with some type of feedback.
I am going through the toughest time of my life right now. It seems like my worst childhood memories just rose up out of nowhere and now I have to remember them and try to do โthe right thingโ which can affect all my family, including my own. My husband has never been the sensitive kind but when I get his feedback on things is usually amazing, highly logical and brings views that I had never thought of, in which I take into consideration to resolve my own issue.
Yet, with this emotionally draining situation, it seems like when I try to ask for his help, he takes my emotions personal and picks a fight! I just donโt have time for that. If I slightly raise my voice (not towards him, but frustrated at this serious situation) he takes it personal! Iโm usually driving when we talk, waiving my left hand as I talk because thatโs about the only thing I can do, so Iโm not acting up while I talk.
When I need him the most he is no help and makes things worseโฆbasically. I believe he should be a little sensitive about what he says when I am at a point where I feel my life is sliding through my fingers. In conclusion, I feel so lost at this point and he manages to place a problem between us, on top of the problem I have now, and that to me is highly insensitiveโto pick a fight with someone who is going through their toughest timeโand he is intelligent enough to know that. So, am I missing something here? Should I just not talk to him about it? I just donโt want to argue with him, I have no strength anymore.
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by “my family”, I meant my parents, brothers etc. and by “my own” I meant, my husband and I ๐ I’m sorry I wrote fast and typed the same word too many times in one sentence lol, hopefully you can understand!!
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Maria,
It’s wonderful to meet you! ๐ I don’t know much about your or your husband at this point. But one thing that strikes me – is that my husband HATES it if I raise my voice when I am telling a story. I am not raising at him, just repeating the way someone else yelled or something. It STRESSES him out when I do that. Too much emotion and intensity for him. He is a very calm, laid back kind of guy.
It may be that this is kind of an emotional “ocean” for him and he may feel like he is drowning in all of your emotions.
Do you expect him to respond the way a woman would?
Do you have a godly girl friend you could pray with and speak to about these troubling issues and emotions?
Would you be able to share a little sample of the dialogue between the two of you for us to hash through together and see how you might approach him in a more “masculine friendly” kind of way?
Much love to you!
Also, you may want to search “husband emotions” on my home page and check out the posts that come up. ๐
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April,
I can’t really recollect how I came across your blog.
However I would like to say that it has been a blessing to me.
I introduced it to my wife.
I write to request for permission to use your resources in our ministry’s website. We are currently developing website that will serve as a ‘one stop shop’ for accessing edifying Christian resources. we plan to use the website as an outreach ministry to people across the world especially in Africa and within the USA.
As internet based outreach, it will have a global reach.
The resources I delight in include many of your YouTube videos as well as the content of your blog.
If this request is what you will allow us to use please reply us back to eogala@gospelroundtable.org confirming the approval and any conditions attached
Please visit our our website “gospelroundtable.org” which is still under development to see the progress.
We are also trying to get resources from other Christian ministries whose visions, teachings and callings agree with ours. When the website begins fully functional we plan to be printing updated invite to people to access the website for various resources and material that will bless their needs. We plan to mail and distribute these invites to people as a means of evangelism in these challenging times.
More so, please let us know any terms and conditions associated with the use of your resources if possible.
Once again your ministry is a blessing.
with excellent regards from
Gospelroundtable team.
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Ebere,
Sure, you may share my resources if you will just link them to my sites.
May God richly bless your ministry for the Kingdom!
Much love in Christ!
April
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Hi! I was googling passive husband and up popped your blog and it’s been so amazing to read! Me and my fiancรฉ broke up twice, (on my decision of course) because I kept thinking “well, of course I love him but I don’t want to be the man.” I couldn’t for the life of me understand what was wrong and I thought it was something wrong with HIM; why won’t he just take charge!? I feared that the head of my household wouldn’t be able to take charge and I’d be forced to do his role AND mine.It wasn’t until my mom pointed it out (it was over such a simple subject too! We were deciding who was going to drive and within two seconds I got exasperated and took the keys without a word from him…). She asked me how is he going to take charge if I won’t let him? He has no opportunity to take the lead because I was always insisting on taking over and then getting frustrated afterward. It’s taking some time for me to learn to be submissive but going forward I’m praying that i’m able to do so. I want to be obedient to God’s design and be a loving wife and I think your blog will be a wonderful blessing as I journey through this.
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Nina,
I am so excited that you have a mom who was willing to point out what you were doing to sabotage your relationship. WOOHOO! I praise God for what He is doing in your heart already and all of the treasures He has in store to share with you. ๐
Much love, my precious sister!
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My wife and I had some heated fellowship over something very middle school and I feel terribly bad about it. Never the less, she challenged me on why I did not respond a certain way and that really ruffled may feather. So, we began to talk about roles/positions in marriage. So the famous Ephesians verses came up and this question came through: Why was so much pressure put on the women to be the adult in the room?
Sarah comes to mind as being the ideal wife; her obedience to Abraham, her husband, especially during his fear of the Pharaoh is really tremendous. I request thoughts on why the women attitudes are key to a successful or unsuccessful marriage and also, โWhy was so much pressure put on the women to be the adult in the room?โ By way the bible also speaks about a nagging wife.
Please share
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Randy,
That is an interesting way to look at this passage. From my perspective, both the husband and wife are required by God to exercise great spiritual maturity, grace, love, restraint, selflessness, holiness, and godliness. And, of course, the husband ultimately answers for his leadership decisions to God. So he is not “off the hook” with God – He is to make decisions that honor and please the Lord, not himself. And he has the pressure of representing the very love, humility, servanthood, and selflessness of Jesus. So, properly understood, I find that the husband’s role is more difficult, more strenuous, and has a greater weight to it than the wife’s role.
Here is a beautiful explanation of how both roles should be lived out, in my view – The Danvers Statement.
And here are the class notes from a minister I respect greatly at our Southern Baptist church who taught a class about Spiritual Authority that may be enlightening, as well. The same minister also has graciously allowed me to share his notes about A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage.
And, it is important to keep in mind, that the husband is never the absolute authority, God is.
Wives are to demonstrate the intelligent, glad submission (when appropriate) of the church to Christ. If a husband tells or asks his wife to clearly sin, she must obey God rather than men (Acts 5:28-29). And wives are to demonstrate respect to demonstrate the reverence of the church for Christ. Not that the husband is deity, but so that the world will be drawn to the Gospel (Titus 2:5).
Both roles are designed by God to showcase the relationship between Christ and the church and for the sake and exaltation of the Gospel of Christ. It is so that God’s will might be done. Husbands and wives are to carry out their roles in full submission to the Lordship of Christ by the power of His Spirit – bearing the fruit of God’s Spirit in all of their relationships, but especially in marriage.
The awesome thing is, as a wife, I have been able to see God’s provision as I have obeyed God – even if I didn’t agree with my husband. Check out this post.
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PW,
Thank you so much for the insight! You are truly anointed to share the gospel about theses issues.
There are so many marriages being dissolved because of the lack of understanding, please continue to do what you are doing. I know God is smiling every time you respond to a email.
Stay Strong!
Randy
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Randy,
Thank you so much for the encouragement and support. Please pray that God might empower me to be faithful to Himself and to be obedient in each interaction with others for His glory. ๐
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I wonder if I could seek some help and advice for my marriage in this forum. I REALLY need help.
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Jake,
If you would like to choose a post where there are fewer comments, I’d be glad to discuss whatever you would like to talk about. ๐
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Jake,
I have received your comment – and will keep it in moderation for now – because it has so many very personal details that would easily identify you and your wife. I don’t want to jeopardize your privacy or your wife’s privacy.
But I hope to be able to respond later this afternoon, my dear brother!
I am already praying for you, your wife, and your children!
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I am so very grateful to you….please feel free to take it an amend it if you so wish…it may be helpful to anyone else
I am so grateful for your prayers…know that I will pray for you and the work you do.
God’s blessing on you sister!
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Jake,
Just so I can get a better feel for where you are spiritually – would you be willing to share a bit about:
– how your relationship with Christ is going now?
– what you believe you need to be content in life?
– what you would like your wife to do and what you need from her?
– what you believe God may be calling you to do now in order to honor Him?
I’m very encouraged that you are taking responsibility for your faults and sins. This is quite a messy situation, a heartbreaking situation – that you are in, my brother. My heart grieves with you and with God.
I try not to tell men what to do – but I will be glad to offer any insights I may have that might bless you – and I will seek to point you to Christ, His Word, and His healing. ๐
Much love in Christ!
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My most sincere thanks for your kind response. I hope my small prayers help you in the work God has obviously called you to do.
โHow is my relationship with Christ going nowโโฆIn all honesty, if I was God Iโd have given up. Now I know God doesnโt do giving up but I believe I hear Him telling me to be quiet. To do nothing except wait patiently. I believe I am commanded to stay within my marriage and not leave itโฆ.though I am tempted to do so. No intimacy and no love is a very difficult thing to take. I believe God us calling me to sit tight and get my own life in order
But that is Godโs relationship with meโฆ..from my perspective is very much โHey, where have You been?โ I know that is wrong but I cannot help feeling it.
โwhat do I need to be content in lifeโ. I tell you this in all honestyโฆ.I NEED GOD! I need Him in my marriage and, without speaking for my wife (because the plank is in my eyeโฆ..I cannot see whether she has a splinter or a tree in her eye) but it seems to me that God cannot be in this marriage because of the acrimony. I cannot believe the bitterness of my wifeโฆwould her feelings have been any worse if I had had those affairs? Sometimes I hear myself say that I might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lambโฆ. But I know that is the enemy setting out his worthless stall.
what you would like your wife to do and what you need from her? FORGIVENESS. Let me be clearโฆ..I am not guilty of the adultery my wife has alleged and convicted me of. But I know I neglected my wife when she needed me and put work firstโฆ..I believe I had to put work first. I needed her support while I worked for her and my childrenโฆif this is my fault, it is not the worst fault imaginable but if it has hurt her, I want her forgiveness. More than anything else I want, indeed insist that there are no others before me or my wife in our home. My wifeโs mother has had too great a role in our home such that I have been told it was not my home, I never felt I belonged in it simply because I felt that I was only there to pay for itโฆ.even now as I write, my wife is entertaining her male friend while I am ignored and retreat to the office I have in townโฆ.which I now live in. Her mother is thereโฆ.sleeping in my front roomโฆ.all sleep in my homeโฆ.another man wandering around my home who pays me little heedโฆ.I feel like knocking this guys lights outโฆ..but my kids like him and his childrenโฆ.I have never felt so alone!!!!! I feel I am used. I feel my place in my home has no meaning.
I also need love and affection. I have nobody! (that is not me feeling sorry for myself….I mean that I have nobody)…I have so much to offer and I am simply watching my life and everything that gives me meaning taken from me. My home, kids, their affection given to another man in MY home….being told I am a Godless “creature”….and the litany of abuse…..the texts my wife has sent me have burrowed into my head….but I have forgiven them….nevertheless, she continues to send them….and all fueled because she will not forgive!!!
My dear sister, you stated that you do not tell men what to doโฆ.thatโs fine but you are blessed in that explaining things from a woman perspective โ a woman dedicated to God, you shine a light that so illuminates and shines so brilliantly that Gods wisdom to all souls shouts outโฆ..I am listening.
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Jake,
Whew! Your answers bring me to tears. I can just feel and breathe in your pain and I experience it with you in a visceral kind of way. I am SO sad for you – and for your family – that this is where things are and for the shambles you face right now.
Your words sound like the words of a man who is truly seeking God and who wants to do things His way and who wants God’s hand to bring healing and restoration to your family. That brings me great joy!
I’m sure you are aware that adultery may be considered “biblical grounds” for a believer to leave. It is obvious that the relationship your wife has with a man living with her is completely inappropriate. My heart breaks that your wife believes you had affairs and has condemned you when you are innocent. And I can’t blame you for wanting to punch the guy who is living in your house with your wife and children. I’m glad you haven’t done that! But I do understand the temptation, my brother. Thankfully – our God knows how to heal broken marriages and families. I have seen Him heal many marriages after adultery and make them into something much stronger than ever before.
This is certainly not a situation you can fix yourself.
You know what? I have heard from many, many husbands (and, wives, of course) in the past few years here on my blog. So many have similar stories. You are actually not alone in what you are experiencing. There is, unfortunately, an epidemic of what has happened in your marriage that is spreading like gangrene in way too many marriages and homes.
I am so glad that you realize your greatest need is God. That is true for all of us! Being able to see that is a BIG step! I’m also glad that you are listening to God and seeking to obey Him even though obedience right now is excruciatingly painful. “No intimacy and no love is a very difficult thing to take.” How my heart just agonizes with you.
How much contact do you have with your wife now? Does she act like there is any chance that she would want to try to restore the marriage?
Some things to prayerfully consider, my precious brother (you don’t necessarily have to share your answers with me – this is primarily between you and God):
– Do you have a Bible-believing, Bible-teaching church family?
– Or a godly man who is a mentor or friend with whom you feel safe to meet together and to pray?
– What are you doing to feed your soul good, solid, biblical truth? Are you listening to sermons online – like David Platt, Francis Chan, or John Piper?
– Have you connected with a ministry like Rejoice Ministries or something similar where Christians stand together in prayer for their marriages that are in dire situations?
– Are you spending time in praising God and thanking Him for who He is and the good that you are able to find in your life?
– How are you managing with not having intimacy? Are you facing great temptation?
– How are you doing with bitterness in your own heart? I am sure the enemy would love to tempt you to erect a massive wall of bitterness because of how you have been treated.
– Are you asking for opportunities to bless your wife and children with the love of God just to bless them and to please God?
As far as a woman’s perspective…
If your wife truly believes you had a number of affairs and you are innocent – she is deceived. And she is basing her treatment of you on untruths. Women generally seek to control because of fear. Terrible fear. If a woman doesn’t understand the sovereignty of God, she believes – usually – that she is in charge and must try to make everything happen “right.” (Please see my post, “Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?”) Sometimes, women (as well as men), also have self on the throne in our hearts rather than God – and we expect all people and God to submit to our will, rather than us submitting to God’s will. I did that myself for a long time, and didn’t even realize what I was doing. Some other posts that will help you understand your wife’s perspective would be found if you search my home page for:
– fear
– idol of control
– bitterness
– control
– But, I’m right!
– Why do I have to change first (may bless you)
The way a wife treats her husband reveals her relationship with Christ. It reveals the degree of reverence she has for Him and her degree of submission to Him as Lord. You did not cause your wife to become bitter, controlling, or disrespectful. Those things were in her heart already. This is how she would treat any man right now – because if she knew how to be a godly wife, how to respect and honor her husband, and how to submit to Christ as Lord and was filled with the Holy Spirit – she wouldn’t be physically abusing you, accusing you falsely, holding on to bitterness, and committing adultery (or whatever it is she is doing with this other man). She would see any sin in her life and want to address it and she would be mortified and repentant about her sin and she would want to obey God.
The bad news is – you can’t open her eyes. You can’t reason with her enough. You can’t explain yourself enough. She can’t hear you right now. She has a specific paradigm in her mind – very rigidly set fixed beliefs – most likely. Not to mention, she may be greatly deceived by the enemy as well as the hardening of her heart due to bitterness/unforgiveness. And she can’t see anything but that messed up paradigm until God opens her eyes to her own sin. “The human heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9. When we are living in the power of our sinful nature, rather than God’s Spirit, we are able to justify any sin to ourselves. We all do this. He sinned against me, so now I deserve to do this in retaliation. Or, he sinned against me so I deserve to hang on to my bitterness – no matter what God’s Word says.
I have a post about bitterness up this week. It is a snare and a trap. It becomes an all consuming idol when it is nourished, cherished, and fed abundantly over many years. That root becomes an evil tree that consumes the person’s entire life. It is poison to that person and to everyone around them.
Her messages to you reveal what is in her heart – her true character. She is desperately in need of Christ. She needs His forgiveness, His salvation, His love, His healing, and His new Spirit. We can pray together that God might open her eyes to Himself. That is her greatest need.
Sometimes, God will wake up one spouse, and change and heal that person first. Then, in time, He often wakes up the other spouse. Eventually, He may even bring restoration to the marriage to become something that is honoring to Himself. He is totally able to do this.
But whether He wakes her up or not – I want healing and God’s Spirit flowing full blast in your life. You can have God’s peace and joy. No one can take from you what Jesus died to give to you! I invite you to check out My Identity in Christ. And this post about our security being in Him alone.
And your wife – thankfully – is not sovereign over your life. God is. Even what she has done with evil intent against you – God is able and willing to use for great good ultimately in your life (Romans 8:28-29, and the story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50).
My prayer is that you might be able to make the most of this time of suffering. What I mean is – God uses suffering to refine and chisel us – to make us more like Christ. I don’t want you to miss out on one drop of the goodness that God wants to bring from this pain. (James 1, 1 Peter 2:19-25, Hebrews 12).
God has good plans for you, my brother! (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
No one can take you out of God’s sovereign, loving, holy, righteous hand. No one can steal from you what Jesus has given to you. No one can destroy God’s plan for you – His purposes and His will ultimately will stand in your life and in this world in every circumstance.
I exhort you to hold on to the promises of God’s Word! Abide in Christ. Use this time of painful trial to focus on living in “the sufficiency of Christ.” Get rid of every single trace of sin in your heart and seek to obey all that God asks you to do by the power of His Spirit filling you. Become the godly man God has called you to be. Allow God to prepare and equip you for Him to use you mightily in His kingdom!
You will find support and encouragement here. You are welcome here. Lots of men read my blog and use it to “reverse engineer” things in their marriages. I have seen God heal so many hurting, wounded, broken men. It is an honor to walk this road with you. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store!
Lord,
I lift up my brother in Christ – Jake – your son – for whom Christ died. I lift him to the highest heavens and the very throne room of the King of kings and Lord of lords where You rule in total sovereignty, power, omniscience, justice, holiness, love, and righteousness. The enemy wants to steal, kill, and destroy Jake and his family. He is shooting so many fiery darts at them. He wants to overtake them and decimate them to pieces. But Your hand is sustaining Jake. You are not done with him or his family. Sanctify my brother by Your Spirit’s power. Change him radically to be the man You desire him to be. Use this time as a spiritual training ground to prepare and equip Him for the spiritual warfare that is already going on all around him. Let him stand for You and for his family in the gap. Draw his wife and children to Yourself. Bring each of them to salvation in Christ through faith. Make something beautiful that honors Your name from this mess and these ashes. Most of all, let Jake be a man of increasingly great faith, trust, and hope in You. Let him know You more and more. Let him desire Your glory far more than anything else. Empower him to be faithful to You no matter what the cost. Give him the resources and riches of heaven that he needs to accomplish the task that lies ahead. Let him know he is never alone, that You are with him and You promise to never leave him or forsake him. Let him allow Your blazing Light of truth into the darkest corners of his soul. Cleanse him. Renew his mind and spirit. Let him embrace this hardship as discipline and let him come to know you more deeply than ever before. Let him shine brightly for You, Lord! Use him for Your greatest glory. Surround him with prayer warriors. Provide for his every need as You know is best.
In the Name and power of Christ,
Amen!
Much love in Christ,
April
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Hi April-
I would like to share with you something God has revealed to me about my situation. I wrote to you a while ago about my husband being wrongfully dismissed from his job of 21 yrs. they offered him his job back but he had no peace in returning and now has another job. the union asked if he wanted a monetary settlement and what would it be? we did not have a paycheck for 3 months. my husband is a diabetic so all medical benefits were cut off. God was our strength,refuge. we had never been closer to Him as in that time. my husband still worried and stressed about not providing (I am so thankful for my husband who did not give up but pursued looking to provide).
here it is: I see Gods hand of provision thru it all- He brought us thru. my husband sees that as well but feels that we should be getting recompense for it all. he is not “going for blood” or ” ill get them back”. he simply believes that it is right to request this. here is what God showed me last night. God has made us different. what He has put in my heart for my life is not for my husbands life. “my convictions are not my husbands” (sound familiar?) lol. because He has made my husband different than me, He has placed in him different ways of seeing and doing things (even if I do not understand). I used to try to get my husband to see my way-( because to me it seemed more Godly and right). how deceived I was.
you had replied to me that maybe my husband was doing it out of a protectiveness for our family – that is what God has put in husbands – to be a covering. this is all so new to me but I am so thankful to be seeing this in God’s light. it takes a load off me because I can trust my Father with ALL of it. I have shared my heart with my husband about my ideas on this but i had made it clear to him that I will stand beside him no matter what he decides. i ask you to pray with me that my husband will be bold and strong enough not to give in to my way (I am keeping quiet and trusting God) and that he will hear only Gods voice (not worldly advice from others). my husband has soo much of God in him but does not trust himself that he really hears from God so he often will default to others opinions (maybe not to take responsibility if things go wrong?) only God knows.
but what a freedom I have to know that I can love my husband freely and trust God to lead us- no matter what comes of this- I have found a new level of trusting Jesus. He is answering my hearts cry and prayers for that peaceful gentle spirit that is so pleasing to Him to be in me.
Thank you for God in you April.blessings
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fam6,
Thank you so much for sharing! I am thrilled to hear about how God is changing your heart and how He is empowering you to trust Him more and more! WOOHOO! I pray for God’s wisdom for your husband as he seeks to lead and provide for your family. I’m so excited to hear about the freedom you are experiencing and the deeper level of trust in Jesus. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
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fam6,
I have had a glitch with WordPress here since last October and sometimes comments go to spam. I fish them out multiple times per day. So sorry that happened!
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no problem.Thanks for fishing it out. and your prayers and any input you may have. blessings and much love to you
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Hi April- I had emailed you this morning and I dont see it posted yet-just wandering if you received it or is it my computer? Thank you
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fam6,
Sometimes comments go to spam – I fished it out. ๐
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Hi I am feeling down today. I want to find out if your fiance/husband should be the one to compliment you. My fiance never compliments me even when I ask how I look he says fine. He says it isn’t his job to compliment me. All I want to be told is you look beautiful, sexy, hot etc etc. I know I’m not ugly but to be told you are beautiful or pretty now and then won’t hurt. I always tell him he looks handsome, sexy and hot. Why do I need to hear it from him and why won’t he tell me himself? Some ladies I have spoken to have said their spouses don’t say it either and often what happens is they look for the compliments else where. I don’t think that is right at all. Feeling unattractive and unloved ๐ฆ
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Nicole,
I actually have some posts about this issue! I’m so sorry you are feeling unloved. Some guys are really verbal with compliments, some are not – but that doesn’t mean that he is not attracted to you.
Check out:
My Husband Never Compliments Me!
Let me know what God may be speaking to your heart. ๐
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I am currently separated from my husband. We have been married for six years. It has been a long six years. I wasn’t the wife I shouldn’t have been. He has anger issues, and he has a pornography issue. It was very difficult to combat those issues, and I ended up falling into the self of me rather than put my focus on the Lord. It was a slow fade. I had to ask him to leave again about two months ago because of an ‘episode’.
He said he was sorry and wanted to come home after about a week, and I told him no way without a plan. So, he went to stay at his sisters house about 100 miles away. He is now communicating with his children who do not want us to be married. I know they are loving this. I really wish he would have waited to try and reconcile with them and not at a time when things are so up in the air. It’s a long story, but suffice to say the timing is way off.
I didn’t talk to my husband for about five weeks. I just saw him last week, and he said he loves me and wants to stay married and doesn’t want a divorce. A few days later was my birthday, and he showed up and took me out for the whole day. To top it off, he had made an appointment at a marriage counselor and we went. The next afternoon he showed up at our house out of the blue. Stayed a little, then we had a fight. Then we talked on the phone and he said he was sorry. That never happens. Ever.
We made arrangements for him to come over a few days after that. He said he was really looking forward to it. He was a no show. I called once and text once and that’s it. The next day I get a text from him saying he is sorry for standing me up and that he is trying to sort out his emotions. That night I get a text saying he is sorry for yelling at me when he was here and that Jesus is working on his heart. Okay. that’s great news. I responded of course and was very nice about it all. I got such a big plank in my own eye that I can’t really worry too much about his splinters.
Today I braved up and called him and asked him if he wanted to have a cup of coffee after work. He said he wasn’t sure when he would get off and would call me. He sounded very, very hesitant. I am so confused. Five days ago you loved me, want to be married, want a life with me, and now you are ignoring me. How does this all work? I want my marriage. No doubt. I turned a corner on myself about a month ago, and I realize the wife I was not being. I have been fasting and praying for three weeks, and I feel God working in me and changing me. I even see little things about my husband that are different such as these apologies. Not normal for him! Taking me to marriage counseling. Why would you do that?
I am praying about this situation, but I wondered about your opinion. I am not sure if I should just no contact him and move in my own direction. He still financially supports me which I think is weird if you don’t want to be here, but he does it. I don’t want to be pushy, and I don’t want to nag him. I also don’t want to call him and try to arrange a little communication and be shut down. It hurts so much. In the past few years we have been through hell, I have been through breast cancer, and I was home schooling my son. Now my son is in regular school, and I need to do something because I am going crazy sitting here.
My question is this: What are your thoughts on no contact? I just feel so let down and feel like he doesn’t really care. He is so wishy washy. Is this the way it is? I feel like in my heart that the Lord is telling me to hold on, that he will be back and our marriage will be restored. At the same time, I am afraid I am going to be dumped and devastated. I would appreciate some encouragement and wise ords. Thank you!
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Betty,
Goodness, so much pain! It sounds like he is trying to make things work and get right with God and with you. But it sounds like he has a lot of spiritual warfare going on, and maybe isn’t sure of himself or how to handle things.
I don’t think that him standing you up necessarily means he is wishy washy. I think he is struggling – possibly even drowning in shame, I would guess.
You have JUST begun to change. He hasn’t even gotten to see that yet. He is just trying to change. This is going to take some time. That sounds like something God would say – so I suggest waiting on Him and seeking to allow Him to change your heart and we will trust Him together to work in your husband’s heart. This may take some patience. I vote not to rush or push your husband but let him take things at a pace he can manage. You both have much healing to do.
Much love!
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Hi April,
Tried to post at the article’s page but WP doesn’t like me?
This caught my eye and speaks to my heart. I am pear-shaped and always will be. My thighs are as close as Venus and Serena Williams ๐ , so wearing dresses can be a day of discomfort, but it is what it is and one makes the necessary adjustments (or wears slacks, jeans, capris, etc).
In terms of tight vs. jiggly skin and cellulite, I sometimes believe God mixed up the molds, lol. I also have a tiny frame: bone-skinny wrists and ankles but blessed with more padding than I’ll ever need from my shoulders to my elbows and hips to knees.
My mom had me on a Weight Watchers diet by the time I was 10. At 13, she started pushing girdles. I used one often, until sometime in my late 20’s I decided that’s enough of that. (I don’t really do body shapers either–that’s just today’s word for “girdle.”
When I look back on photos of me in my early and late 20’s, I realize I was very thin, although proportions will always been an issue. Until 7 years ago, I never kept weight off longer than 18 months.I lost about 25 lb, am at least 30 lbs heavier than my 20’s, but much fitter via exercise, walking and tennis on a regular basis. (I can get into some of the clothes I wore then, but struggle with feeling bloated daily. It’s the menopause deal–bleh. Even my arms have a little definition and an occasional, rare compliment on them comes my way–yay!)
To this day, my mom refers to a cousin or a friend or someone else when we shop and see clothes on mannequins–never “That would look good on you.”
What keeps me grounded and grateful is this: a friend of mine who struggled (struggles?) with her weight was paralyzed from the neck down about 25 years ago. I am blessed. These chunky legs have been taking me wherever I want for all that time, and cover a tennis court with decent speed too! Who am I to complain about my weight?
As per what I’ll tell any young girl: concentrate on being fit and taking care of what God gave you. Be thankful for your mobility. The rest, you can play with, to find what makes you feel good about you and highlight that. And without inner goodness, outer beauty doesn’t do a danged thing in the long run. Just sayin’. ๐
Here is a link to a blog about this topic. http://joannaaislinn.net/2014/05/19/mothers-jeans-and-self-esteem/ (It’s linked to other blogs I wrote about this.)
Thank you, April. Looking forward to Part 2!
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Joanna,
I’m so sorry that you couldn’t post to the article. I posted this comment there for you. ๐
I am pear shaped, too. But it is interesting, I have been going to a holistic dr for the last few months. I have some medical issues with my belly and intestines being very bloated since middle school, some back problems, and a sun allergy. He had me dramatically change my diet and start some new exercises, and I have been shocked that for the first time ever, my belly is now flat. I used to look 4-5 months pregnant a lot of times. So frustrating!
(If anyone is interested – I shared some new things I have learned about diet in the past few months and what a massive impact that can make on belly fat and metabolism on this post in the comments.)
I’m so sorry to hear the hurtful comments – that can be so difficult!
But I love what you shared about your mobility. EXACTLY! Who knows how many days we will have when we can walk and exercise and do the things we want to do. What a gift these bodies are! Thank you for what you would share with a young girl.
Such a blessing! And thanks for the link to your post!
Much love!
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Thank you, April, and you’re very welcome too! I will be following up on the links you provided. My issue isn’t even that kind of bloating–it’s the lowest muscle tone one could ever expect to see (but it is what it is). Short of plastic surgery–an abdominoplasty and SO not going there–I can’t imagine mine being flat, lol. Again, working on that gratitude piece. Be well, April and God bless!
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Peaceful Wife, congratulations on the upcoming book in January. It would be amazing if you could do a book signing. At least in Wilmington, NC. We’re practically neighbors.
I just got married August 1st 2015. Since finding your blog, you have really influenced me to be a Godly wife and to have unconditional respect for my husband. My husband is now reading your husbands blogs. It would be nice to thank you in person and to have your signature on the copy of your book.
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Maya,
I hope to do a book signing in SC, for sure! But who knows, I may end up doing some traveling, too. It would be so wonderful to meet you! ๐
Congratulations on your new marriage! That is so exciting. ๐ I praise God for what He is already doing in our heart. Let me know if I can help you in any way.
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im not sure youll post my comment as I am a woman not trusted by wives…I am a prostitute but surprisingly my work isn’t usually about sex but talk…the men want to be the centre of someone’s world,not just be factored into a wife’s already overloaded schedule with kids,her work her over clinginess…although as I say when asked if they want to be her priority they must make her theres,it’s selfish I believe of men to expect the kids to be bathed & fed & in bed & a warm dinner & tidy house when he comes home…I could never live with a man who expected a regimented home,he should take the kids one or two hours over the weekend…no wife feels amorous when covered in puke trying to soothe a rattled hubby & making sure the realities of home life with kids isn’t something he sees.i ‘d expect unless there are multiples the number of kids is discussed beforehand & staying home & living off his coin is to me prostitution hidden behind the respectability of a ring…didn’t women of jesus day tend to their own vineyards & pay their female servants out of their own money
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hanging by a moment,
Thank you for sharing. You know – Jesus reached out to women who were prostitutes and offered them hope, healing, forgiveness, and a new life in Him. You can have that, too! ๐ He has a special place in his heart for those who are broken. And that includes ALL of us. We are all on equal ground at the foot of the cross – in desperate need of the blood of Christ to cover our sins before the only Holy God.
That is interesting that men want to talk a lot. Sounds like they are looking for respect.
If a husband and wife agree to an arrangement where he works and provides the income and she works at home as his helpmeet – it is really not oppressive. They are a team – each tending to his/her own responsibilities. Each contributing to the good of the whole family.
God designed marriage – and it is a holy institution. It is very different from prostitution because it reflects the relationship between Christ and His people, the church. The husband is to portray the selfless, unconditional love and humble leadership of Christ. The wife is to portray the respect and honor of the church for Christ as she manages the home. Of course, some wives choose to work or need to work… but the dynamics God designed are that the husband is to be the loving, selfless leader and the wife his biggest supporter.
This is not how our marriage was for over 14 years – I tried to be in charge and my husband became more and more passive. I was disrespectful, prideful, and self-righteous. I was resentful and bitter. I was worried, afraid, and lonely. I repelled my husband. Then God opened my eyes to all of my sin and began to radically change me. He’s not done! I still have many thousands of miles to go on this journey and so much to learn!
I invite you to check out the invitation Jesus Christ extends to you – a call to come receive the Living Water He provides and the eternal life that only He can offer. He can cleanse you from every stain of sin. He can pay for your debt that you owe to God with His blood. He is willing to give you His right relationship with God and cover you with His goodness if you are willing to receive the gift and yield your life to Him as LORD of all.
Much love to you!
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April, thank you for this blog. I really like reading it. Can you consider going into your WordPress settings and choosing “full text” as opposed to “summaries” for your RSS feed? It makes your blogposts easier to read in feed reader apps like, “Reeder”.
Thanks and keep up the good work!
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Bob,
I changed it for you. Hope that is helpful. ๐
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thank you for your tolerance & explanation… yes many men have work problems,financial or even health worries but do not want to lay their worries on a wife busy with kids or her own life,one man spent 3 hours with me crying over his dog,it had died & his wife’s response was at least it wasn’t one of the kids…I have kids but was put off church when I asked for my son(yes bastard born,a trick kid) & was told by the pastor that he didn’t feel his church & his ministership had anything to offer me nor was it helpful to his ministersip to have “someone of your ilk” in attendance I dress respectfully & do not flirt I do not slap on make up so your kindness means so very much & is appreciated
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hanging by a moment,
It is heart breaking to me that so many men don’t feel safe or able to share these issues with their wives and find support and understanding at home. Or perhaps you are right, that they feel they don’t want to add more of a burden to their wives by sharing their problems? Hmmm… that gives me a lot to think about. And the wife’s response to her husband about the dog – I am sure she thought she was being helpful. But he just needed to grieve over the dog.
I wonder – what do you desire in your relationship with God, my friend?
Much love to you!
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to clarify I had asked to have my son christened…I was raised in a Mennonite home…so your ideas aren’t foreign to me & thank you again for your tolerance
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I actually came across your blog looking for something to help a beautiful long suffering friend of mine,she was a lawyer with so much to offer,married a minister whom requested,no demanded she give up wrk as he felt emasculated that she earnt more than he did he chooses her friends,out are divorcees,single mothers & single men,now she’s at his financial beck & call he tells her she has no value,worth or quality that she brings nothing of tangible worth to their marriage any suggestions she makes regarding dรฉcor are poohpooed in front of guests he criticises her cooking her figure she’s too thin her hair colour,she is a broken woman her eyes have lost their spark her smile less bright he often sleeps with the single mums of his congregation in his words to boost their self esteem & while it’s not openly spoken about I wonder why other women of the congregation don’t reach out…
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hanging by a moment,
Oh how I long for this story not to be true! ๐ฆ I don’t want any wife to experience such pain. She is welcome to contact me if she would like to.
But I also would love to make sure you are doing well, too. ๐
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I have passed on your blog info to her background info they have a high position in Jehovah’s witness & his justification for the affairs are he is providing emotional support & since he is with her in marriage she has all that she could possibly need regards support.i know hers is not a unique or even unusual story thank you for reaching to her I hope she will accept & find comfort
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hanging by a moment,
Thank you for sharing this with her. ๐ You are welcome here, too. I am praying for you to find the abundant spiritual life Christ has for you – both here and in heaven. ๐
Much love!
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I would just like wives & girlfriends to know if your husband tells you he has seen a prostitute but not slept with her he is probably being honest,many men come to me with an intense emotional void,they aren’t being heard over the children,the friends,your job & to listen you must first be silent to coin an old phrase,& for socially isolated women or those with “special needs”kids the husband may find himself having his ear talked off & buries his worries,i’m cheaper than a counsellor,i’ll not take his wife’s side,not to say there aren’t times when I think he needs & deserves a slap upside his head. & ironically you may find after a visit with someone else to talk with he comes home recharged,willing to play or take the kids out so you too can recharge.
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Ladies,
Hanging by a Moment is sharing some really valuable information with us, in my view. Let’s seek to be a safe place for our husbands, a place where our husbands know they can share, a place where they feel supported and welcome. We obviously don’t control our husbands and are not responsible for their sins. But we can seek to become the women and wives God desires us to be and to create a warm, nurturing, honoring environment in our homes.
Thank you for sharing, Hanging by a Moment.
I am praying for you to experience the abundant life Jesus died to provide you. Not about rules and legalism, but about overwhelming grace, love, and the power of God’s Spirit to transform your life and heart for His glory. ๐
Much love!
April
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Hi April,
I have stumbled upon your blog because I was in a situation where my mother has a very strong and controlling personality that sadly affected my husband. I lived with them when I was pregnant and for 3 months after giving birth. My husband works overseas. A lot has happened when I was there and right after my baby was born, mainly my husband felt left out, disrespected and overstepped by my mother in matters concerning our baby. This resulted in my husband being hurt and distancing himself to my parents and not wanting to talk to them. My mother had no idea about how my husband was feeling because she was just being herself, and I, being used to her behavior was also not able to see that my husband was greatly affected by it. I too was stressed with my mom’s constant nagging when I gave birth usually on how to take care of my daughter.
We are now away from my parents and living on our own, my husband still feels the same way about them and I was caught in between, I was hurt for my husband and I am also hurt for my parents. I was praying that my husband will forgive my parents and my mom to change but I was keeping all my feelings of hurt and frustrations inside in my heart that sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking what I want to say to my parents and my husband.
My mom’s birthday came up and she was expecting my husband to greet him, but he did not want to greet her personally, then my husband’s birthday came and both my parents greeted him in facebook and my mom said that my husband did not personally thank her. She asked if my husband is angry with them because it’s been a year and she has not seen him nor talked to him. I know that my husband was hurt and I did not want to make them hurt each other more so What I did was to intentionally not make them see each other to talk. I thought this was the easy eay since we are here in the US and my parents are in the Philippines. I will make excuses for my husband everytime my mother looks for him. When she asked me if my husband was angry, I told her why would he get angry with them? Then suddenly I broke down and told them that he was not angry but he was hurt for what happened in the past, even traumatized that he is not ready to talk to them.
Did I make the right decision to tell them my frustrations and hurt with them and my husband’s feelings towards them? I do not know if this is the right thing to do because it was very hard to always make excuses and I am tired of it and I can’t sleep because of it. I know my husband is hurt and it will take a really long time for him to heal, because he was saying he did not want to ever step foot on my parents house again ever. I do not want for that to happen, i was hoping that everything will be okay after I tell my parents what is happening, for them to know what my husband feels. My parents told me that I should not have manipulated the situation and distance my husband from them because It will only dampen their relationship but I thought that was the right thing to do.
What is the Godly thing to do, and what should a committed wife and parent honoring daughter do in this situation? Thanks in advance for your advice.
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Caught-in-between,
Oh goodness! Such a painful position to be in – in the middle of hurt feelings between people you love.
Thankfully, God gives us instructions about how to handle conflicts. Matthew 7:1-5 and Matthew 18:15-17. First, we are to take care of any sin in our own life before we address sin in someone else’s life. Then we are to confront whoever hurt us privately. If they don’t listen to us, then we are to bring another believer or two that we trust with us to approach them. Then, if they will not repent, we are to take it to the church. and if they will not repent after that, they are supposed to be shunned. Most of the time, just a private, gentle, respectful conversation is all that is needed.
The problem is, you can’t really do this for your husband – he would probably need to do it himself – or maybe have you be with him when he does this. He could say, “I felt left out and disrespected as the father of my baby when he/she was born. It really hurt me.” Then your mom would have a chance to apologize. This cold shoulder treatment and just not talking at all is hurtful to everyone and goes against God’s commands that we are to forgive and not hold on to bitterness or create divisions, factions, and tension – which is a result of the flesh being in control rather than God’s Spirit.
You can certainly let your husband know that the stress and tension from this is too much. You can respectfully ask him to please talk with your mom and bring about resolution and reconciliation if at all possible. You can also pray for him and for your parents and for God to intervene to bring healing.
I think you are right to want to bring healing and to want to stop the tension. Have you spoken to your husband about this?
How is your walk with Christ going? ๐
Much love to you!
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I do go to church every Sunday and pray but I think I lack in an intimate relationship with the Lord as I do not read The Word regularly and have quiet time with Him.
My husband and I talk about this issue even before and I really can feel that he is hurt and not ready to talk to my parents, sometimes he also tell me that he knows that I get hurt when he talks about it that he just thinks of not sharing his feelings to me anymore. He knows I am hurt but the pain that he feels was too strong. He said he is no longer angry with them but he still doesn’t want to talk to them. I haven’t really told him about my talk with my parents the other day yet because I am scared to hear a bad reaction to what I did.
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Caught-in-between,
How is the rest of your marriage going?
What would you like to happen in your relationship with Christ? He has so much to offer to you! ๐ I don’t want you to miss out on any of it!!
Much love to you!
April
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I feel that somehow my husband’s hurt with my mother and my hurt for my husband not being able to forgive my mother and move on somehow gets in between our marriage. I love my husband and he loves me but he feels that I am not ready for marriage because he thinks that I still have not cut apron ties with my mom. That is because there were times that I have wanted to please my parents rather than support him. I just don’t want to hurt my parents feelings and in the process somehow I neglect my husband’s feelings.
I really wanted to have time to know Jesus more in my life. I know that in knowing Him I will be able to be more confident in my standing with God that I will know how to deal with situations like these. I always feel guilty whenever I do not please the people around me especially my husband and parents. I am scared that my husband will leave me if I continue allowing my mother to control and step over our relationship especially now that she has a grandchild.
You know when I talked to my parents my mom told me that I changed because of my husband and that she was hurt when i told her once before that my priority now is my husband and our baby. She says that I should not forget them just because I got married. This is not true you know because almost everyday my daughter and I have facetime sessions with her. She is trying to make me feel guilty whenever she doesn’t get whAt she wants. And I always look like I am a bad person.
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Caught-in-between,
God can empower you to forgive your parents and your husband. Please search my home page for “forgiveness” and “bitterness.”
It is important to put your husband before your parents. You have a covenant with him, not with them. God does command us to honor our parents, but we are no longer required to obey them as we did when we were children. If you must choose, which is a very painful place to be, your husband needs to know he is your first priority among human relationships.
I hope you will check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect. They may be helpful. And please also search my home page for “people pleasing.”
It is okay to set boundaries on your mom, you can still love her! Another post that may be helpful is “control and boundaries.”
Ultimately, the only goal is to please God. We will all answer to Him for our thoughts, words, and decisions. You can be free from trying to have to make everyone happy – and just seek to please Him and to love and bless others. Sometimes you may not be able to do what people want. That is okay as long as you are doing what God wants and acting in His love, not in guilt or fear. I hope that makes sense.
Much love to you! ๐
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Thank you for your insights April, I know that God’s design for marriage is that the husband is a wife’s priority above everyone else even our own children. My parents are both Christians and I do not know why they do not think this way and being selective about it. Maybe because in my parents’ own marriage my mother is in control and my father is the silent type. My mother is the eldest in the family and she lost her father when she was young, maybe that’s the reason why she has no father figure to look up to only her mother who raised all four of them sisters. Until now, she somehow controls her sisters and scolds them even if they all have their own families. I do not like this attitude of my mother and I know only God can change her. It is very hard to talk to my mother because she always feel hurt whenever I say something that does not coincide with what she believes that sometimes I just stay silent and harbor the resentment in my heart. And she is really good in making you feel guilty when you disagree with her saying words like “have I not done good to you? Have i not loved you?” These words really are painful to hear from her. Sometimes I feel that if I make my mother sad or hurt that I am not acting in a loving manner to her. This is a very difficult situation for me. Please include me in your prayers.
My husband and his parents have a very good relationship, his parents know their place and does not ever interfere in our relationship and in our decisions. They also give us space and they know their boundaries. They do not force us to visit them every week even if they are just 30 minutes away and they do not come by here in our house really often. They are very supportive that is why sometimes I am wishing that my parents are like them. Sometimes I cannot really help but compare which is wrong because all families are different. My parents on the other hand want to see their granddaughter through facetime everyday and I find this really annoying because somehow we also need our space because I am already married and we should have a separate life from them but I am forced to talk to answer their call because they were saying that they are very far away and our daughter might not know them as her grandparents. Sometimes I really don’t know if I am just being selfish but all my other married friends do not do this everyday facetime sessions with their parents.
Thank you for your recommendations I will look it up because I really want to have a spirit filled life.
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Caught-in-between,
Your mom may have taken on the feeling of responsibility of being a mom or parent to her siblings. I know I did that – for different reasons. But, when a woman does this, she may seriously believe that she is responsible FOR other people and that everything is up to her. She may not realize where her boundaries and responsibilities end and where others’ begin. If she believes she is responsible for others, then it is her duty to make sure they do what she believes is right. How dare they go against her, when this is her job and assignment in her mind?
She is using guilt to try to control others, it sounds like. I have a post about that here.
It is going to be critical for you to determine to seek only to please God and to realize that it is not your job to obey your mom or to make her happy every moment. You are to be a God-pleaser now, not a people-pleaser. You can love and honor her. But you don’t have to be responsible for her happiness or be compliant when she tries to use guilt to manipulate you to do what she wants you to do. You have a covenant with Christ and a covenant with your husband, not with your mom. You don’t have to be mean to her. But you can set healthy boundaries, and if she gets upset, that is okay. The book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend may be helpful.
I also have a Youtube video about dealing with controlling people that may be helpful – https://youtu.be/9HvRAPn64v0
You can talk with your husband, or you can pray and then set some loving, firm boundaries. “Mom, I love you very much. I love for you to get to have time with our baby on Skype. I am going to be able to be available to do that on these days each week for this amount of time.”
When she says, “Haven’t I been good to you? Haven’t I done so much for you?”
“Yes, I appreciate all that you have done for me. Thank you. Okay, so we will see you on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’m looking forward to it!”
And then switch the subject or end the conversation in a pleasant tone of voice. God can give you wisdom about exactly what to say and what to do.
You are not being hateful or unloving if skyping every day is too much and you need to do only 2-3 days per week. You are not responsible for “fixing” her feeling upset. You can be loving and kind and give what you are able to give without resentment. She is responsible for her feelings and emotions and spiritual well-being. You are responsible for your own. If you are resentful because you are giving more than you want to – you are responsible to correct that.
It probably isn’t going to be productive to compare your parents to your husband’s. They are different people with different backgrounds. They are different – and they all have their own strengths and weaknesses. God can give you love for each one just the way they are.
Much love to you! ๐
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You can also check out my posts about:
people pleasing
the real motives behind people pleasing and perfectionism
playing the martyr
bitterness
forgiveness
My security is in Christ alone!
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Caught-in-between,
If you are starving spiritually and not filled up with God’s Spirit, I can’t imagine how you would have the godly wisdom and power you will need to navigate this situation, or any other situation. I would encourage you to begin to spend significant time daily in God’s Word, seeking Him with all your heart, praying for Him to change you and to make you into the woman He desires you to be. As you allow Him to work in and through you and trust Him with your parents and your husband’s conflict, I believe He can give you peace as you cling to Him and I believe He can work healing in this broken relationship, as well.
What is his relationship like with his parents?
I would encourage you to check out Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray. You can read it for free or listen to it for free online. Here is a link to the pdf download: http://www.ccel.org/ccel/murray/surrender.pdf
Also, I would encourage you to study the attributes of God, the character of God, the sovereignty of God, and focus on praising Him, singing to Him, and thanking Him. ๐
Some other great resources would be to read or listen to sermons by John Piper, David Platt, or Wayne Grudem.
I pray first for spiritual healing for you and then also for spiritual healing for your parents and your husband.
You may also want to check out this post about how one couple handled a controlling mom.
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April,
I spent a great deal of time on your site several years ago due to severe marriage problems with my wife. We are still living in what might best be described as a non-marriage. I found out recently that she has read a couple of books about biblical roles for women and men / husbands and wives by Lee Grady and John T. Bristow. She told me that, according to their study of scripture, scripture has been misinterpreted and that men and women / husbands and wives are totally and completely equal in authority in the home or anywhere else. There is no such thing as a husband having headship in the family but they are completely equal partners. Are you familiar with these authors and their teachings? From what I have read on your blog, I do not believe you agree with their teachings. Do you know any resources I could point her to that expose the error these men are teaching?
Thanks,
J
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J,
It’s great to hear from you. ๐
I am not familiar with these authors. But the “equal authority” idea has become very popular in the past century with the rise of secular feminism.
The sources I would recommend would be:
– Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem
– Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
– The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
– Biblical Manhood and Womanhood Secret Church series by David Platt
– John Piper’s site http://www.desiringgod.org
– Radical Womanhood by Carolyn McCulley (describes the history of feminism and how it has impacted our ideas of the church, marriage, masculinity, femininity, family and God and what God’s design for these things is to be)
– the post Spiritual Authority from a minister at my Southern Baptist church
There are more books on my favorite marriage book list here.
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April,
Thank you so much!! I am honored that you responded so quickly in light of all you have on your plate these days. May the Lord continue to bless you and expand your ministry.
J
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Hi April!
Thank you so much for your obedience to the LORD, to instruct us who need and listen, as for example myself, a young women of 27 years.
I wondered about one thing. It has to do with when you’re being met with irony or sarcasm a lot in your relationship. Even though you keep your tone nice, have an open body-language and so on.
I’ll just explain the situation briefly.
I had a long relationship with a man 6 years ago. Long story short; I did EVERYTHING in the wrong order. First we had intimacy (no clear guide lines from parents, so I just went for the first guy that looked my way) then we moved together, then we planned the wedding. In the midst of planning my spirit woke up and said “What on earth are you doing? You have not even asked the LORD about this one single time. You’re just doing whatever you want. Repent! Turn from your sin and start over, if your fiancee will let you. Otherwise jump off this train, because this is wrong indeed”. I ended the whole thing, because Holy Spirit strongly told to, and my man was off course also devastated, but eventually he got married, and I serve the LORD in many more ways now than then.
Now, I am trying to understand what happened what went wrong beneath the surface, more than our immorality. The LORD’s been bringing up things to my memory. Dealing with me about disrespect etc. Your videos and blogg have been a major catalyst in this. Thank again!
During the relationship which lasted for 4 years, what I had the hardest time with was when he was being very sarcastic and ironic towards me and seldom spoke honestly with me. I was young and unexperienced of course. But I used to try to meet that guy with a sincere, gentle spirit, thinking I was being respectful and not having to have my way. This was maybe 4 months before we broke up, we were in the middle of planning the wedding. When he answered me in irony or in sarcasm that just made me 1. sad and 2. ready to become very masculine.; sort of step out of the car and walk home; or take a long walk; not talk with him for a long time; dig myself into studies. Or worse- start a fight.
Can you help me to understand this manner in men, and is there probably an explanation to it from how I acted? I still don’t really get it, but I would want to be able to master my temper in the future, if a man in my future tends to draw towards sarcasm and irony.
๐
Thanks
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Lyn,
I praise God that He woke you up and that you obeyed God! WOOHOO!
The goal would be to only date/court a man who is fully submitted to Christ – and, of course, that would be the goal for your life, too. ๐
In such a situation, hopefully a man would not be very given to sarcasm and cutting remarks – as they are not very Christlike. But, you could just be vulnerable and say, “I feel really sad when you speak to me like that.” Or, “I can’t stay in this room if you are going to speak to me like this. It hurts.”
A man who wants to honor Christ will probably (eventually) respond humbly with an apology.
Much love to you!
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Dear April and everybody else!
Thank you so much. What a great and simple reply. I agree 100%! ๐ Yes, living in Stockholm, Sweden, really requires faith in the LORD, in the prayer to be led to a Christlike man. There are many but it is maybe not Easy for them to show their inner qualities, since men taking on female role, is very praised here. I pray for the men in Stockholm, what the Spirit may speak to, and empower them and that they will not be afraid of us ladies , eventhough we are forced to make careeers and work full time, since our systeme encourages it a LOT. I also pray that us women will be able to be humble in having family and making career and realize everything can be changed i the glimpse of an eye! This is a war that I fight Every day. I am now a specialisednurse within primary health care. I did this so that, when the Lord leads me into famiily life, there will be room to work part time and still reach out to people in the world through my Job also. I still struggle with releasing all my (tiny)plans on how my future will be and letting go to GOD. For me this is indeed a dying to Self, since I love studying med. and live work, and love feeling able to tithe myself, pay My Bills and save money and pay for others as well. I realise I am also a Child of my generation – may I become evenmore a Child of God! I seek the Lord in this and also feel that I should do the best I can of the time I’m in. I must say I have certain fears that men feel inferior to me and therefore would not have be brave and have selfconidence enough to seek me out. Ideal would of course be a doctor or a lawyer so that won’t be a problem! Hehe. But in that case I am so dependant on God. Hmmmm it is a tricky thing sometimes to prepare for marriage. Us women like to plan and plan and plan. Lord, deliver me from this mindset.
Love
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Thank you so much, I believe God has brought me to your YouTube Channel and now to your wonderful site. I have desired to be a peaceful wife as well and am finding myself trying to break away from being ” Controlling” I have been and am sick about it and want to seek with Love and show my husband what it’s like to follow Christ. It has always been a fight because he does not believe Jesus is the son of God. 1 John 4:15
I have been doing it all wrong thinking it was right. I grew up with a father who preached and pushed people until they walked away. I learned not to do that but eventually found myself falling into the same way of doing it.
I am saddened my husband and I do not connect through Christ and I feel I have been harsh and have wrong sinful anger and resentment as well as so much bitterness. I love my husband and my children so much. I want to keep anger and emotions out of my faith and be humble again. I back slid for a while, never doubted my faith but placed it on the back burner in my life and let my husband become more important than anything. I do believe that I made the mistake of putting my husband on a pedestal above all things at first and am in so much regret and guilt over it. He also does not understand why I stopped and still love him but do not cater to his every need in a way that makes him the highest in my life if that makes sense.
I also have become aware of just how selfish I have been as a mother. I always thought I put my child ahead of me, but found myself putting her on the back burner as well. Not because I do not love her, she is amazing and a true blessing. But I think I am in so much pain over losing my first child at birth I am afraid to just love and accept that she is not just going to be taken away. I never thought God just took my child away, but I didn’t understand. and never healed from the pain. I always remember Job 1:21. She is amazing and I am watching her grow, but find myself in my own worries over nothing to pay a whole lot of attention to what is more important. I would never hurt her, but I have spoke in a mad way or gotten after her in an angry voice many times. I kick myself every time because she doesn’t understand and I love her so much and do not want her to fear I’m going to talk angry towards her. I struggle so much.
I took your survey and have been asking God to show me truth in my life, I have been repenting right away when he has revealed something to me I had forgotten about. I just want to be free from this anger, resentment, and bitterness towards all that is wrong in this world and my relationships with those who hate me for my faith or do not believe what I believe. I want to love. 1 John 4:7-8. Thank you!
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April,
I have been reading some of your articles for about a year now. Your story is so amazing to see and hear about. I pray God continues to mold and change you into the woman He wants and created you to be. You have an amazing story that not only has touched my life but may others as well. My husband (at the time he was my fiance) introduced me to your blog. I am so thankful he did because many of your articles have given me greater understanding of the Lord. There is one thing maybe you are able to help me understand better yet. I’ve been reading through my Bible and digging deeper into the word but I am still confused. I have been married for 3 months now and want to know what God’s role of a wife in marriage is. I understand what the husbands role is but not the wife. Thank you so much for your boldness and love for Christ!
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Jessica,
Congratulations on your new marriage! That is awesome. ๐ I praise God you are seeking to understand God’s design for marriage. ๐
My entire blog talks about the role of a wife. There are TONS and TONS of posts here about things that God commands wives to do that you can search on my home page:
– respect
– biblical submission
– forgiveness
– godly femininity
– ungodly woman
– lead/leader (these posts will talk about how wives can encourage their husbands to lead)
– pray for my husband so God will hear
– spiritual authority
– a husband’s and a wife’s authority in marriage
Also, The Danvers Statement might be helpful.
Let me know if you need more info!
Much love to you!
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Hey April,
Thank you for standing on the Word. I’m really grateful to have found this site!
๐ Lisa
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Lisa,
You are most welcome! Thanks so much for your encouragement. I’m excited to get to know you better and to walk this road together. ๐
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I have a question. I have started reading your book and love it so far. I have watched your YouTube channel for quite some time.
In your book you say respect in marriage isn’t earned. I agree but while talking to my sister she informed me that this is crazy. How do I combat that or respond to those types of comments.
Also an example my husband has asked me to spend less time one the phone texting and calling with my family. I would say it was a little excessive how much we texted. He said he didn’t feel like I was his best friend bc I go to them more then him. I didn’t realize he left that way and in the last several months am trying to be the wife God wants me to me. No general my husband is more controlling in nature but also very non confrontational. He doesn’t yell or anything like that. But he has certain idea or options and does believe I should submit to them I do agree but my family is making it hard on us. Any suggestions or thought would be approvated. Thanks for you time. I enjoy watching your video and am learning a lot.
Melissa brown
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Melissa Brown,
The things I talk about – God’s design for marriage, respecting our husbands unconditionally, and honoring their leadership fly in the face of the mainstream thinking in our culture. Most women, even in the church, are probably going to insist that respect for husbands is earned, but love for wives should be unconditional. We are going against the stream of our sinful nature as women, our culture, and probably many of the examples most women saw growing up and in the media.
Don’t expect a lot of women to be excited about these ideas or to want to listen to you talk about them. In fact, many women will respond with anger, contempt, or hatred toward you if you talk about these ideas. Many of them will completely misunderstand, sadly. ๐ฆ
Here is a post about this issue.
I’m glad your husband was honest about how much you were texting your family and how it made him feel. That is a good thing!
What is your family doing? How much texting and calling do they expect? What does your husband prefer exactly?
Much love to you!
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Peacefulwife,
I have a couple of questions. Does Scripture support that it is selfish, neutral, or “un-Christlike” to pursue interests outside of God and family?
What do you do when you’re the one who wants space and it’s your husband who is clingy, controlling, and needy? God has helped us when it comes to this but it’s a daily struggle.
Anytime I want time to myself, he says I am not considering him, even if we agree on time to spend together later or before. He has accused me of not loving him because I don’t pursue time with him at the same level that he pursues time with me. But I don’t think I can bring myself to never want time alone, or never apply for a part-time job, or never want to do anything that I enjoy just for myself. I don’t think that’s necessarily Christian but my husband says I’m just trying to make excuses for being self-centered. It is very frustrating.
I know you have an article on how not to be needy and controlling. But if the husband does the same thing, I have to just submit. I don’t always no how to handle that. I get courage when I think of Christ’s patience and suffering, but sometimes I fail and I wonder if I’m going to struggle with this every day, every moment when my husband isn’t busy. (and he has a lot of free time).
I have struggled from the extreme of being a doormat to appease him and breaking stuff and cussing out of pure frustration.
Your ministry is continually a blessing for me, and I can’t wait to purchase your new book.
Thanks,
Maya
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Maya,
Check out Proverbs 31 and see what God’s Word shows us about that. ๐
It sounds like you are maybe introverted and perhaps he could be more extroverted? Have you taken a personality test or talked with your husband about differences between introverts and extroverts and how introverts recharge and energize by being alone sometimes – but that doesn’t mean you don’t love him?
If you are being too smothered or feeling controlled, you can share your concerns. You can say, “I want to be with you a lot. I want you to get to enjoy our time together. I want to bless you and I want you to feel loved and happy. I need X amount of time to myself each day to be at my best and to have more to give because of my personality. Then how would you like to share our time together? What would mean the most to you?”
Have you seen the post The Pendulum Effect?
There are some really helpful articles about different personality types and introverted/extroverted personalities and relationships online that might be a blessing.
Much love to you!
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Hi April
Your ministry is a blessing and a real hope in the midst of confusion – for myself, and for the many who visit your site. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” – and certainly there are many discussions here that lead and direct women (and men) into the safety of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
I found your site a while back and I can’t even recall exactly what I had been searching for, but there are so many good topics and resources here.
In reading your story, and many of your comments, I cannot recall if you ever considered separation from Greg? Did that thought ever enter your mind and if so, how close were you in following through? If not, what were the thoughts and feelings to not consider it, or at least to not follow through?
In many ways your story and how you have described yourself, and Greg, is similar to myself and my wife. I have never believed separation (and I know it is not divorce) to be an option and yet it is something my wife has requested. There is no physical abuse, no infidelity, none of what you note as severe issues – for those reasons, yes, I can support separation. We are both followers of Christ and we have teenage children. I may share more yet of our story, but to begin I was interested to know of your own thoughts on separation as it related to what you were feeling in your own time of crisis.
Thanks so much and I appreciate your care, concern and prayers for so many. May God continue to give you strength and wisdom in your counsel, and in your own daily walk with Jesus.
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hopeinconfusion,
My dear brother – It is great to meet you. ๐
We had an agreement that we would never talk about divorce. I never thought about separation – with the exception of the first summer we were married. If I had money, I may have thought about “running away” to a hotel. I felt so unloved and was hurting emotionally so much. I really believed Greg didn’t love me – now I understand that was not true at all.
I pray for God to bring you both healing in Christ and to bring healing to your marriage.
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I believe there is no such thing as a peaceful wife….I have learned that both in these pages, in lie in general. Amazing how some women seem to believe that their husbands spring up out of nothing, that they don’t come from a caring , loving family just like their own. Instead they seek to deal with their every requirement centered around their own family while the family of the male is treated as unimportant and frankly, in my experience, a odious.
My marriage has evaporated based on interferring parents and an absolute determination on my wifes part that I can go to hell…I have been accused of every sort of adulterous behaviour such that I cannot walk down the street except that I am accused of oogling other women.This is a man who has worked his butt off and given EVERYTHING…I am left with nothing! Not even a wife prepared to meet me half-way. The depression I have suffered has left me very aggressive and depressed….now this aggression and depression is being painted as the reason my wife want shut of me. Peaceful? Don’t make me laugh.
Also, here is a conundrum for you….I believe my oath was give to GOd and my wife. I am not perfect, I have my faults but I cannot break my oath to God…I have no intimacy or love from my wife….and here I am with an oath to God strapped around my neck with no prospect of love or care from my wife and a lot of temptation out there…is there to be no love for me?
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Jim,
It is good to meet you, my brother.
I can feel such deep pain in your words. How my heart breaks for you and for your wife. ๐ฆ
Lots of wives are not peaceful. Lots of people are not peaceful. I sure wasn’t for many years in our marriage. I know how painful it is to live without the peace, love, and joy of God flooding my soul each day. I know what it is to feel afraid, angry, resentful, bitter, lonely, and like it is all up to me to try to fix things and make it work. But the harder I tried, the more I pushed my husband away.
God radically changed me. He opened my eyes to my sin 7 years ago. It has been an excruciating process – but He has changed and continued to change me. There is healing available in Jesus!I still have many thousands of miles to go on this journey – but I am not at all the same person I was 7 years ago. Not because I am good – but because God is good.
There absolutely IS love for you in Jesus. He is Real Love and Real Life. He can heal and restore your soul. Many times – after a person begins to heal spiritually themselves as they fully yield control to Christ, He begins to pour healing into the marriage and the spouse, as well, in time. I know you, your wife, and your marriage are not beyond the reach of Jesus.
Much love to you in Christ!
I’m glad to talk with you some more if you are interested. You don’t have to be on this road alone. Many others are walking it beside you.
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****Thanks for your response and I will take you up on your offer. I am so terribly angry…so so angry at my lot. I often turn to God and it seem that I do so when some crisis really hits home…then when the crisis subsides GOd drifts into the background. I no longer go to church but bring my children up in God and with the fullest knowledge that God exists (i know this logically, intellectually and in my heart). But we cannot be in crisis all the time and naturally God has to be balanced with living. I want God with all my heart but I cannot live in crisis all the time…I have to live a practical life. To be honest, I have hit rock bottom on many an occasion and when I feel I am in good terms with Himself, I ofter wish I’d be involved in an accident and I could get off this merry go-round lunatic planet I am living on. I have genuinely cursed the days I have awoken to face another day of strife and have wished for death. I have behaved very irresponsibly in my car and could easily be 6 foot under as a result. My mother is dead. I know she is with GOd. My father is old and won’t be here soon. My kids will grow up and will move away from ther Papa as is only natural….so that I often look at myself and see inherent logic in finishing myself off….sure the kids will be upset but I trust Gods forgiveness and then, only then could I truly be able to watch over them…my wife would be free of me at last (I seem to be the problem here) and I would be with my mother, friends who have gone before me and at peace. There is logic there but I lack only the courage to effect it. That is the point I have reached because of wives who are peaceful? I say this as a successful man with a career that enable me to look after 4 children and my wife. I am not bad off but life is a dreadful struggle living with constant strife.What the hell did I get married for. I don’t drink, smoke and I am friendly to all…most especially my wife’s family. I vowed to work hard and leave no stone unturned that may benefit my family. On my income alone I have 3 family homes, support a family of five with all kids clothed in the latest, cars, tractors, motorbikes….etc. etc….that is the extent of this mans work. Playtime is a trip to the gym or a movie. That’s it. There is my life in summary I don’t want to paint myself as an angel but I am a good man and wife and family mean everything to me. I have been caught between my father and my wifes mother, two domineering people who have affected our lives, the former objecting to the marriage and the latter never anywhere but in our home dominating it. I have never in 15 years lived in the same country that I work and return every week to my wife and children, journeys often entailing a 700 mile round trip or over night on Ferries or planes. And all the while with accusations of infidelity ringing in my ears. The basis of this “infidility” is the FACT that I saw someone else when my wife and I broke up as boyfriend and girlfriend. ANd I had another girlfriend that I had already left when I met my wife. I have buried my mother and my wife arrived at the funeral determined to make me pay for my “adultery” and so upset me that I broke my own arm in utter frustration and upset…. Desperately trying to execute a highly technical project with a team of engineers I am pursued around the home, while on teleconference meetings by my wife with a ghetto blaster and the hoover!!!While desperately struggling with my boss to get in new business and while engaged with a prospective client whose business would keep the company afloat, I am server fictitious divorce letters. Every appeal to forgive and forget completely ignored. She now has a friend and while I know in my heart she has not committed adultery with him, that man is in my home and I am not. They are the closest friends….imagine my upset and fury as I have to leave that house each evening while that man stays there with a bed made up for him….and the irony that this is what I see before me whereas I am accused with no evidence whatsoever. There is no evidence becase there is no substance…..I wish I have made love to every woman that came my way for I have been accused of this and convicted of it by my wife….there is no truth to it whatsoever. Eventually when screaming in my face about women that I work with I flipped and grabbed my wife by the arms and restrained her…which is why I am now a registered wife beater and removed from my home. For 5 years I have sat by waiting for the storm in my wife to subside….do not speak to me about peaceful wives. And the worst of it is that I consider all women to be just like this…I know this is wrong. But I see all these women who have everything anyone could want and they are happy with nothing. Men are painted as nothing except fools….my wife takes great joy in telling me that I never had a degree (I grew up in Ireland in the 80’s where money was very tight…I had 8 siblings)….I was offered to go to Trinity to study Math and Economics but chose a technical course as there was a grant that could help my father……I am painted as a low level fool by my wife….this really uspsets me…not because I an some intellectual wannbe snob but because it reduces me and people like me to some sort of 2nd class person. I have friends across the social spectrum and I can walk with kings and paupers just as happily but I am very, very driven and smart…..I work in my own business in IT and Finance and like I said, I do very well….I wish I was a bus driver (not disrespect to them) and with so much less so long as I was happy. I could sit here for hours with story after story but you know what, it’s simple really. “Treat others as you’d have yourself treated” and forgive your “brother” not once not 7 times but 70 time 7″. I do this. It is natural for me. It embarrasses me to refer to a grudge much less act on it. I like people and cannot bring myself to profit at anyone’s expense….I don’t make myself out as special because I do no more than most people in doing this. I have begged my wife to forgive whatever it is that upsets her and forget. To meet me half-way. Her response verbatim, “I won’t meet you anywhere”. I have worked so hard. For what? I cannot even stand going to the cinema these days because you’ll see some scene of a man and a woman and perhaps some intimacy (nothing wrong with that, art reflect life) and here I am tormented by such images….I am a good looking man, 6’2″ and 18stone of a still athletic frame (aged 50). I look 40 and can outperform men half my age at sport and I long for the tenderness of my WIFES touch (can you believe this????) and I am so angry and depressed that I must forego any substitute for my wife who after 5 years of waiting for her, refuses any forgiveness or accommodation. And forgiveness for WHAT? (TO be clear, 5 years after being kicked out of the home I built, I have not abandoned my wife and children but have stood firm in my undertaking given before God…I am father and not husband…I have no intimacy. I am standing here while good woman pass in the street that might love me and I am here all alone in a country where I have no family and now no wife). Seriously, what does God know about marriage and the searing need a man has for physical love? I have just come in from the gym with a screaming headache and a bloody nose due to over exercise….undertaken to work away the need for my wife….PEACEFUL WIFE, please, don’t make me laugh. I am not mocking you sister…this is my crude expression of hurt while seeking calm waters. If you could will away 20 years of my life when my appetites might have subsided I would never cease to thank you. May God help you in you work and please GOd help me in my struggle Jay
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 2016 13:11:03 +0000 To: seamus.mulrooney@hotmail.com
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Jim,
My dear brother! My heart aches for you and for your wife and family.
I understand why you are so upset. Absolutely. I understand you are hurting and feeling incredibly rejected by your wife. I can feel the intensity of your emotion as you describe the way you have provided well for your family and the depth of the agony that you are not with your wife now and that there is another man there. ๐ฆ I can see the reasons behind your anger and the pain that continues to fuel the anger.
Not all wives are peaceful wives, certainly. I wasn’t for most of our marriage. It is a total God thing that He opened my eyes and began to change me.
I can’t reach your wife. You can’t change her. I can’t change her. She has free will like we all do. We can pray for God to reach her. But more than that, my most pressing concern right now is you and where you are spiritually. This is a miserable prison, it seems to me. I don’t want to see you suffering like this.
There is healing available for you. I can’t heal you. But I can point you to the healing that Jesus has for you. I can walk beside you on the journey – if you are interested. And I may be able to share some resources that I believe God may use to bless and heal the deepest wounds and scars in your soul.
If you would like to be free from this anger and from this spiritual prison, I am glad to share the next step. It is an extremely painful step, but it brings God, freedom, peace, joy and God’s power rushing into your soul.
It is – absolute surrender to God. If you are willing, we can talk some more about this.
Here is a free download of Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray. This is the path to healing. I am throwing you a life preserver if you are willing to take it.
http://www.ccel.org/ccel/murray/surrender
You are important to me. I am praying for you!
If you decide to read this, please let me know if you want to talk a bit or what God speaks to your heart, if you would like to. We can also talk about other steps that will bring healing – even though they may be painful at first.
In Him,
April
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hopeinconfusion,
Your post did go through. ๐ And I did respond.
Although we never separated – things were very tense by the time God opened my eyes. Greg was extremely shut down. He didn’t really want to be around me, talk with me, touch me, or listen to me. He was physically here – but very far away emotionally.
I am so thankful God woke me up, began to empower me to change, and that He also healed my husband and our marriage.
I pray the same for you and your wife!
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Thanks April – for your first reply, and the follow up. Yes, healing is needed – on both of our parts and it has been difficult for me to move ahead constructively. As I first noted, I expect to share a bit more on our story and certainly praying for restoration. There is hope, but wow, there is a lot of confusion as well. Thanks for your prayers – we have a lot of support in that way.
Blessings to you and Greg.
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hopeinconfusion,
You are most welcome. Praying for God’s healing for you first and for His wisdom for you as you seek to lead your wife and love her in a God-honoring way. Praying for your wife’s heart to be open to God and to you and that you might build a new, godly, beautiful marriage and also individual lives on the truth of God’s Word and His design. Praying for God to clear away the confusion and to make things very clear to you and to your wife.
May God richly bless your walk with Christ, my brother!
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Dear PeacefulWife,
Your blog has helped me, when I found it a year after I was married, 2 years ago. Now… I am a widow. My husband of 3 years has passed. I was wondering do you have or know any resources that I could read to help me pass this difficult situation, as I am in my thirties with a young son and wondering what is next in my life.
Thanks again.
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Yas,
Oh no!!!! My precious sister! I remember you very well. I am so heartbroken to hear about your husband. Let me see what I can find, my sweet friend.
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Yas,
When did this happen, my friend? I have been thinking of you and praying for you all day.
I have a friend who is a strong believer whose husband died a few years ago. She was about 40 when it happened, and it was fairly sudden. I asked her for resources and she shared this one with me
http://Www.youllgetthroughthis.com
Also, I know C S Lewis wrote a book after his wife died about processing his grief that may be helpful. A Grief Observed.
Have you got prayer warriors around you? How are you spiritually? I will do anything I can to help you and pray with you and for you. ๐
Lord,
We lift up Yas to Your throne room in the highest heavens where You are intimately acquainted with her grief and pain. You know the pain of losing a dearest loved family member to death. You know every tear Yas has cried. You promise to be close to the broken-hearted. Surround her with Your love and provision in very tangible ways. Let the Body of Christ step in and love her and their son. Lift Yas’ chin to be able to see Your eyes blazing with love for her and compassion for her suffering. Let this be a time of great spiritual growth even in her pain. Draw her to Yourself. Let her find healing in Your arms. Give her wisdom as she cares for her son and as she processes her grief. Surround her wtih friends and believers to love and encourage her.
In the Name and power of Christ,
Amen!
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Dear PeacefulWife,
Thank you for the resources and for the prayer. He died about 6 weeks ago, during the holidays. It was sudden and I am very sad. Our son is only 22 months so he doesn’t understand what is going on. He ask often :”where is daddy”, but I told him daddy is now only in the pictures… don’t know what he understands.
The pain is great and unbearable. I send my son to daycare and cry after or in the night when he sleeps. My husband was so involved in the church and prayed for whoever needed prayer, so church members and family are all chocked and sadden also.
To console ourselves, we say, God knows best.
I am happy I found your blog 2 years ago, because I am content that I avoided so many fights with my husband, that today seem so useless, like when he came home late or when he ate the kid’s snacks or didn’t do the dishes on time. I am so happy I have sincerely strive to be a godly wife as I regularly read you blog and I know that I did my best to be a good wife to him.
It is so funny like all of this are no longer important. So my question to myself is, was theses matters ever important?
I rest in my faith in God, even though I do ask “why” many times a day, with no answer.
I will trust in the Lord no matter what and know that I will see my husband in heaven, because truly, he loved the Lord.
I would still like to know why me and why now, but, I will make myself rest in the sovereignty of God.
I don’t have prayer warriors around me, but many say they are praying for me. My husband was the one praying for every one, so people are not use to offer me prayer…
Thank you PeacefulWife for all the work you do. The Lord is your reward. Be blessed.
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Yas,
I can’t begin to imagine how difficult these last 6 weeks have been. ๐ฆ I wish I could cry with you and pray with you and give you a big hug!
I’m so thankful to God for the work He has done in your heart in the past few years and that you are able to have peace and have no regrets about how you loved and honored your husband. What a priceless gift in these moments of grief.
If you are on Facebook, I’d love to invite you to join a women’s prayer group I started a few months ago, if you are interested, called Peaceful Women. The ladies there would love to surround you with prayer.
I believe God has plans to use this tragedy and your life for His glory, my precious sister. I’d love to walk beside you on this road.
Much love to you!
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Dear PeaceWife,
I closed my Facebook account a while ago, because I was wasting to much time there and couldn’t find another way to to stop. Nonetheless, I do appreciate your support and prayers very much.
Much love.
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Yas,
I definitely understand and respect your decision about FB. It is very addictive and time-consuming.
Would it be okay if I email you, my sweet sister?
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Hi Peaceful Wife.it was great to read your comments on the Onesoloved website. It seems to have closed. I was wondering if you knew Onesoloved and if it would be possible to have the Onesoloved articles placed on another website somewhere. There are so few online resources that cover the issue so well. It would be sad to lose such a helpful resource. With best regards. Hilary.
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Hilary,
I will pass your comment on to her. ๐ Thank you so much!
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Im doing the 40 day challenge and triedto post under day 4, but it wouldn’t post so here are my thoughts on day 4! What an eye opener! I ticked yes to most in list one, then when I got to list two I stopped. Not much ticking went on! How big has the log in my eye been and for how long? My marriage is falling apart and my husband says he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m an alcoholic and have been drinking for 10yrs. 4 weeks ago God stripped me down ready to build me back up. I will never drink again! But not just the drinking, everything I think and feel is challenged. I want to be the wife in the 2nd list!
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Adele,
That is how I felt, too, when I realized how much sin I had and didn’t even know it for so many years! YIKES!
I praise God that you are giving up drinking! I hope you will seek godly support from maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery if possible. ๐ You are not beyond the reach of Christ, my precious sister! I can tell He is working in your heart. I can’t wait to see all He has in store for you! I’m here if you want to talk. Praying for God’s continued healing for you, your husband, and your marriage.
Much love to you!
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Thank you so much. I was just getting ready to leave my husband and move home when I came across your blog after an internet search. It saved my life and our marriage. It convicted me of my sinful thoughts and critical spirit. Bless you.
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Ann Webb,
It is wonderful to meet you, my dear sister! I’m honored that God allows me to be here and that He brought you here. I pray God will continue His healing work in your life and in your marriage. Let me know if you want to talk some more.
Much love!
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Prayer: Lord God, I want to continue to trust You, even when I donโt understand, when things are hard or painful. Thank You for the challenges in my life, that have taught me to trust You more. Thank You that, with You, my life makes sense. Amen. This is my prayer…..I would like to share the good news…Harrison got “listed” on Tues. & now my TRUST has to be strong…ntp
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Iowasc,
Thank you for sharing your good news! That is awesome!! I am praying with you, my sweet sister!
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Hi,
I am so glad I stumbled upon this website! I’ve been married 8 yrs now, and have gone through struggles , many already mentioned above. my husband was involved in an intense emotional affair with a colleague. Once I found out, he said he wouldn’t continue it . But the following weeks I made life hell for him. I put him down with my words, told him ” after all, you are this..” and, 3 months after I found out and he stopped talking to her, he went back to talking to her and telling her about how bad his life, how he needs her now etc etc.I found out about that too, and asked him to leave. but he apologized again, and said he has no intention of going on with it, and that his life had become unbearable and he had to talk to someone. I decided to give our marriage another chance.. I saw that he made some changes. It was hurting his ego to give me his computer’s and mobile password since I was demanding it. He asked me to give him time to willingly give it to me.. over the months we’ve had ups and downs..and I learnt to turn to God to change my heart.. the journey has just begun. I read the posts here about not pursuing him.
I had read his chats with the other woman, and saw how easily he spoke romantically with her. and I kept asking him why he cant speak that way to me. He wouldn’t budge.
I read the posts here about not pursuing him, and backed off a bit, and sometimes , yes, he comes to me.. it’s surprising at times. What I want to ask is.. as we pray that God will change our husbands, and they behave the way we yearn for them to once in a while,and we get so excited – isn’t it like we are too eager? I mean, maybe there is still pride in my heart. there is no doubt I would love for him to be romantic with me.. but he does it rarely and when he does, i am over the moon.. it makes me feel bad about myself.
we are born again Christians, but my husband is a ‘Sunday christian’. I pray for his spiritual revival. I have begun to pray more these days and I pray that the Lord with show me the right way forward.
I feel like I belong when I read posts here ๐ Thank God for you!
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Nova,
I hate that y’all have been through so much pain. But I am very glad you both want to change and heal your marriage and bless each other. I am extremely encouraged that you are willing to look at anything God may want to change in you even in the midst of dealing with a hurtful betrayal.
God CAN heal both of you and your marriage if you are willing to do things His way, whcih are very counter-intuitive to our own human wisdom and feelings.
It is VERY easy to begin to put our husbands or romance or our husband’s attention and affection as the highest thing in our hearts instead of Christ. We have to be careful not to desire anything or anyone more than God. I have a lot of posts about this. It is SO EASY to get our expectations up and then to put our hope in our husbadns to meet our deepest needs that really only Jesus can meet.
Please search my home page for:
– idol/idols/idolatry
– discontentment
– contentment
– security
– romance
– needy
– how to make your husband an idol
– lordship of Christ
And the post from Monday about the biggest problem in marriages and the one from last Thursday about releasing our husbands to God may be a blessing, too. ๐
Please let me know how you are doing and how we can pray for you!
I can’t wait to see the healing God has in store as you seek Him wholeheartedly!!
Much love, my dear sister,
April
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I will read these articles. I’m sure they will help. The current situation is – he is out of the country on a business trip. He is the kind who doesn’t take personal calls at work, works late etc. It has been a reason for a lot of our arguments. I ping him on Skype and he just types out a hi and then doesnt respond to the rest of what I say. I have been reduced a lot of my reactions to this. there is a 5.5 hour difference between us now, and by the time he is back in the hotel room, it’s past midnight for me. when I wake up in the morning, I feel like sendng him a message saying I missed him, etc. But the lack of reaction hurts. once in a while he responds with a smiley or something. basically, our communication is very less, at an unhealthy level. I have learnt that nagging him about it wont work. I will pray about it. I have mentioned what I would like from this marriage to him many times. I guess it’s now time for me to be silent.
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Hi…i wrote here a couple of months back..my husband is back after his work abroad – for a couple of days it was fine. but then we had an argument that escalated and i ended up accusing him if being a womanizer after all, and that my health was affected because of what he did etc. we both said aweful things to each other. this was almost a month back. after that he has been distant. we talk about general stuff – about our daughter, about things to get done , we even went on a vacation. but – no deep discussions, no talk about what happens in each others lives, about work. we dont call each other during the day. it hurts me a lot. and, he doesnot even come close to me – no intimacy for a month now. i pray God will keep him from temptation. i did try initiating once, but he said he can’t do it. should i wait till God speaks to him? I apologised to him for what i said (i said all that because of what he did, but my words were ungodly) but he says all the words keep playing in his head.this happened 3 weeks back. i feel intimacy might be a first step in solving things. but i wait on God to work and give me guidance. and that He will interfere.
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Nova,
Ugh. It sounds like things are so painful for you both. ๐ฆ That breaks my heart!
Do you believe he really was a womanizer? Was he untrustworthy and unfaithful?
Are you both believers in Christ?
I don’t think you can pressure him at this point – into intimacy. There has to be more healing, it seems.
Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you both!
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he did have an emotional affair with a colleague. and he talked for long periods of time to other women ( friends apparently) and he continued to be in touch with a girl friend he had before marriage. what i understand is, he was trying to get some sort of validation from other women. so, in the heat of the argument I called him that. yeah, we are believers, and are active church members, unfortunately we have this dark shadow in our lives now. he is distant – no calls and no talk, nothing. I pray for wisdom, I know he is a person very interested in intimacy , but at this point, he just appears to be ignoring that part of his life. no clue what he is thinking,
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April,
I was hoping to hear from you.. do I continue to wait until God works in his heart to come to me and take the initiative to work things out?
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Nova,
I would not advise pressuring him.
How are you relating to him at this point? What are you doing to try to pour healing into the marriage?
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Nova,
I’m so sorry – I didn’t intend to not respond. Thanks for getting back with me. ๐
How long ago was the emotional affair? Has he repented and has he been willing to be transparent to rebuild trust?
What do you desire to happen in the marriage?
Have y’all talked with a trusted pastor or godly mentoring couple?
Is there anything you believe that you may need to apologize for on your end of things to begin to move the relationship toward healing?
How is your walk with Christ going?
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I came to know about the relationship a yr back. I reacted in a totally earthly way – yelling, screaming. he stopped talking to her for 2 months, but resumed talking when he was away for work. when i came to know about that, i went over the top. he said he is sorry and all.. and after that, i think he hasnt contacted her at a personal level ( they work together). now they work in different teams.
during these months, I have put him down a lot of times, because in my eyes, he was a guy who would fall for any woman who dressed well, had a good figure, etc. besides this woman, he used to talk to others casually, bordering on flirting. nowadays he doesnt tell me who he talks to , or what happens at work. he says he is faithful, and thats it. He says i dont need to keep asking. he says there isnt anything for me to see in his mobile or laptop, so I dont have to know the password.
we went to see 2 counselors – he just sees it as another chance for me to “complain” about him to another person. a month back we had a bad fight. after which he has taken a very strong stand – no communication, and intimacy. in the past days we have begun to talk about general stuff, but nothing about the marriage. it’s a stalemate actually. it hurts me a lot at times.. but i dont show it out. i just say a “goodbye” when leaving and he grunts back a goodbye ( earlier it used to a hug n kiss) I look for our marriage to be healed. and i have been praying for him, for our marriage more.. but I have decided I am not going to initiate anything – I had done that earlier, and it hasnt worked.
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Nova,
Hmm… I have some concerns about that your husband is not being transparent or willing to rebuild trust. It is possible that he may be acting totally appropriately. But a spouse who has been inappropriate with others before and who wants to heal the marriage would be willing to share passwords and what is happening.
How have you been responding recently?
What did the counselors suggest?
What are you doing to work on your end of things?
How is your walk with Christ going now?
What do you want to see happen?
Sending you a huge hug, my dear sister!
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I feel godly sorrow/repentance hasn’t come to him yet; and therefore he doesnt go out of the way to rebuild trust. This is what he says ” I am not doing anything wrong. I dont have to share everything with you to prove that. you can do all the background checks you want, but you wont find anything because I am not doing anything wrong” Our latest fight was a month back. usually we make up and then go on for a few days until the next fight comes up. but this time, he is ensuring that we dont reach a comfort level.
the counselors gave all the advise to me – he made a mistake, he confessed, now I shouldn’t keep questioning him.
Anyway, after this latest fight, he has closed up. and i have decided to spend more time in prayer.
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Nova,
Okay. Well, if you are willing, you can try to move forward believing that he is not doing anything wrong until proven otherwise.
But I agree that the most important thing right now is for you to focus on your walk with Christ and on finding all the spiritual healing you can for yourself so that you can be filled up to overflowing with God’s Spirit and you can have the wisdom of God and His prompting to know what He desires you to do each moment.
I don’t think that interrogating him is going to bring him to you – even if he is doing things that are wrong.
Have you learned what things most speak respect to him? It is going to take time for him to learn to trust you again. It will probably take time for you to be able to fully trust him again, too.
This is going to be a very long road to recovery. My prayer is that you will be able to be patient and just continue to seek God and to trust your husband’s heart to God’s Spirit – for however long it takes. The great thing is that God can take this painful trial and use it for great good as you trust Him. He can turn this into something beautiful!
Sending you a huge hug!
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April, what worried me is – since we are emotionally distant now and there is no intimacy either, isnt the marriage in danger? ofcourse there is nothing I can do except pray. It worries me though
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Nova,
The marriage is in a very fragile state. Yes. And I am not exactly sure what all is going on with him from what you are describing. So this is going to take God’s wisdom for you to know exactly what to do and how to approach – whether he truly is untrustworthy, or if he is trustworthy but just extremely wounded and feeling very emasculated and disrespected. I don’t know which one is true.
But what I do know is that you can focus on you and your end of the marriage and that many times God will begin to work in one spouse first and then, in time, in the other spouse.
Are you willing to completely invest in Christ and your walk with Him? I can show you the path to healing if you are ready to find it for yourself and to begin to pour healing into the marriage.
Much love to you!
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I am willing.. I pray His guidance will be with me..
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Nova,
Awesome!
Check out this story I am sharing on my Peaceful Wife Blog FB page today…
From a wife (with her permission):
This comment is about needing to change ourselves, and not our husbands. Even when we *think* it is them who need to do the changing. Oh my heart is just flowing over with gratitude. I am thankful for so much, all day long, everyday.
I am experiencing what it’s like to change ourselves instead of our husbands firsthand! One night last year, we were arguing a bit. I was unhappy with how he was leading (or lack of) our home. He looked at me and said, “You don’t change me. HE changes me. If you want me to change, talk to HIM!”
At that exact moment, everything did change. It was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. I knew he was right. That was the last conversation we had in that context.
As hard as it was, I gave it to God. I began to pray for my husband relentlessly. I prayed for the scales to fall from his eyes and for God to remember my husband. To make His voice and commands clear so that my husband might hear His voice.
I prayed to be the wife He wanted me to be. I meditated on this verse: “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives.” I decided to trust God as my father, and believed He would take care of me through my husband.
I can’t even begin to describe the changes in our household! Since then, my husband has made himself the sole provider for our family, I am no longer stressed trying to bring in a large portion of our income while simultaneously being the one responsible for our kids and home. I focus only on me, and I pray for him.
My husband wakes up early ever morning now and studies the Bible for 1-2 hours. He barely drinks alcohol. He quit watching porn (which was not often before, but he decided it is not at all acceptable to God). He helps out more around the house even though he is working more hours than before. We never argue anymore. We finally truly treat each other with respect.
And it started with me thinking my husband needed to change….and ended with me changing how I acted, prayed, behaved, thought, prioritized, and most importantly (I think), treating my husband with respect even when I didn’t feel he “deserved” it. Oh I can’t even describe all the heart changes that have happened in our home. ๐
—————–
From April:
Here are some terms and phrases you may want to search on my home page to get started…
– expectations
– why do I have to change first
– control
– disrespect
– respect
– idol/idolatry
– fear
– bitterness
– insecurity
– security
I’m right here if you want to talk about anything. The most important thing is your relationship and healing in Christ. That has to come first. Then you will have God’s power, His Spirit, His love, wisdom, and discernment and you will be able to hear His voice clearly to know what He is prompting you to do each step of the way.
Much love to you!
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Thanks for this April. I have been spending time in prayer in the mornings before I hurry up to get my daughter ready for school, and go to work. I have been thinking of spending more time in God’s presence. Hope I will post a victorious testimony soon!
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Nova,
That is the best plan there could be!
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I’ve been spending time in God’s presence, and I’m waiting on Him. But I am bothered about something – It’s been more than a month since we’ve been intimate. and we dont have good communication. He will travel out of the country for work anytime now. It scares me ๐ฆ I dont know if I should initiate something ( even if I could be rejected)
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Nova,
I don’t know what is going on with your husband – but God does. Do you have a sense from Him about what He may desire you to do?
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Nova,
I’m SO thankful you are waiting on God and seeking Him! That is AWESOME!
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April, I dont know whats going on in his life either. when you ask about guidance from the Lord – I feel so frustrated to say – I dont feel anything that strong, to say it’s from the Lord. I often cry out to Him, asking why I cant hear Him ๐ฆ I am just going on the way it is – backing off of my husband, and our marriage goes on this way without any deep communication , or intimacy.
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Nova,
It seems that you and your husband are very emotionally wounded right now. I think it may take some time to rebuild trust and intimacy on both sides.
What do you desire with God? What do you pray for? What are you most afraid of?
Would you be interested in doing a spiritual check up for yourself with me?
Much love to you!
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what i pray is for me to become the person God wants me to be, and for my marriage to be healed and for it to bring glory to God. I believe God wants a husband & wife to be one flesh, to display His love and to enjoy each other. so I claim those promises for my marriage. i have realized that putting my marriage or my husband higher than God is wrong. but what im most scared about is if we would dishonor and shame the name of God by having a dysfunctional family. I fear for my daughter growing up in this situation.
yes – i would love to do a spiritual check with you!
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Nova,
I like your heart for Christ and you desire for God to work in you and to change you. I love your heart for your marriage and your desire to bring glory to God. That is awesome!
Okay, let’s do a little checkup, then. ๐
Here are some questions to prayerfully consider…
1. What do you believe about God’s sovereignty in this situation?
2. Do you have a clear sense of where your responsibilities end and your husband’s and God’s begin?
3. Are you willing to take responsibility only for yourself and what you control at this point and release the rest to God and trust it all to Him?
4. What do you believe you have to have to be content in life?
5. Do you think you are at a point where you can completely lay down every dream and fear you have before God and let go of them all, trusting God to lead and direct according to His will?
6. Is there anything you may want to hold back from Him?
7. How are you doing with praising and thanking God throughout the day?
8. How close to you want to be with Christ? What is your greatest desire in your relationship with Him?
9. How do you view trials and suffering and your walk with Christ?
10. Is there anything you may be cherishing in your heart – doubt, unbelief, fear, worry, resentment, bitterness, pride, that could be causing you to have a hard time hearing God right now?
Much love to you!
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1. What do you believe about Godโs sovereignty in this situation?
I believe there is nothing impossible for Him. He can heal my marriage, He can change us.
2. Do you have a clear sense of where your responsibilities end and your husbandโs and Godโs begin?
hmm..what i have learnt now is – i should back off , pray for my husband. I have spoken enough to him already ( a lot of hurtful words) so I have to quiet now. and give this over to God.
3. Are you willing to take responsibility only for yourself and what you control at this point and release the rest to God and trust it all to Him?
I’m trying to ๐ sometimes I want to know what my husband is doing, what he is thinking, or if he is doing something he has to hide from me. and I panic. I think of some Bible verses, think of promises the Lord gave me. its not easy..
4. What do you believe you have to have to be content in life?
I really want a happy marriage. but perhaps I have given the utmost importance to it. In all my years of Christian life I have never been this helpless. I am learning to cling to the Lord. and I understand my priority has to be Him. I wisht to be confident in the fact that I am close to God.
5. Do you think you are at a point where you can completely lay down every dream and fear you have before God and let go of them all, trusting God to lead and direct according to His will?
this is hard.. but I pray that prayer everyday. that I surrender my deepest yearnings to Him. When I see family photos on facebook or something my friends send me, there is a sorrow deep inside that my husband wont even hold my hand or look at me anymore. But I just say ” Lord I give that dream of mine to You”
6. Is there anything you may want to hold back from Him?
I accept i have been unforgiving and hurtful. when i found out about my husbands affair, i lashed out verbally … for months. I have asked the Lord for forgiveness. I have asked my husband too, but he give it a thought because I’ve asked him forgiveness many times!
7. How are you doing with praising and thanking God throughout the day?
Not as much as I should..
8. How close to you want to be with Christ? What is your greatest desire in your relationship with Him?
I want to hear Him, to hear Him tell me what I should do & shouldn’t. for Him to be my best friend.
9. How do you view trials and suffering and your walk with Christ?
I believe they are ways the Lord uses to prune me, to make me turn to Him and cling to Him.
10. Is there anything you may be cherishing in your heart โ doubt, unbelief, fear, worry, resentment, bitterness, pride, that could be causing you to have a hard time hearing God right now?
Bitterness rises up in my heart now & then..that mingled with sadness. Unbelief,doubt yes. Fear & worry, yes.
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Nova,
It sounds like you are on the right track, my precious sister. ๐ Yes, this would be VERY painful and difficult. But I am so proud of you for seeking God in your pain and for looking to Him and laying down your fears and dreams and trusting Him. There is no better place to be!
I invite you to search my home page for:
– worry
– fear
– bitterness
– surprising root of all marriage problems
– idol/idolatry
– insecurity
– security
– contentment
I love what God is beginning in you. I am so excited about what He is about to do in your walk with Jesus. I pray for His healing for you and your husband and for your marriage in His timing, my sister! Sending you the biggest hug!
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Hi. I have wrote you 3 times in the past 6 months or so and I havent heard from you yet. I really need help. I really need someone to talk to. I have no fellowship with anyone, I have no church, I have no one but my husband (whom I dont really have) We have been married 3 yrs. I work and he does not. He is older then me 28 and I am 25. He believes in God and everything a christians believes but he 10 or more times has lived like a heathen, said he hates christians he hates God and wants his sin more then God so he stops praying stops pursuing christ and this goes on for months..then he will repent and persue God for a week and then do it all again…he has done this more times then I can count..he beleives he is a false convert..as do I according to the test of scripture. So basically I live with an unbelieving (believer) who hates God and christians and wants sin no matter the cost, yet condemns and judges those who call themselves christians but mess up in an area or two. He doesnt work, he gets money from his mother but doesnt use it to help us at all in anyway ever he only uses it to get horrible violent witchcraft sexual games, and to get sexual toys for himself and sexual pills to make him aroused, he watches porn all the time, says he doesnt care if he hurts me, that he is gonna do what he wants so if i want to leave him i have to make the choice to leave him. He has also overstayed his visa for yrs now so if he leaves to go back to his country he will be banned for good or for 10+ yrs but the Lord has given both me and him an undeniable and specific confirmation if the Lord wants him to stay here for God and the Lord answered both of us just as we asked him so i cant go against that. Yet I want to because I cant deal with this. I do everything for him…i try to be a godly wife and he continually treats me like crap..he refuses to have any sexual stuff with me cause he says it makes him want to watch porn (yet he watches it anyways) he makes all kinds of excuses to do his sexual stuff…he makes empty promises to me with fake tears alllllll the time and the next morning an sometimes 5 mins later goes back on his word..I have done so much of your suggestions..even the bible, and many other godly woman type things..and nothing nothing..I have prayed 3 yrs for this man showing him forgivness always…i have been in tears all my life and misery all my life from childhood to hear from sexual abuse from 4 men (my dad and stepdad and cousin and uncle) in my family and a old friend, as well as a drunken abusive stepdad as well as my normal family calling me crazy and hating me for being a christian, my little brother was happy and glad when i tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital and few yrs back he wrote it on his facebook and i saw all my old close friends were very happy of it too… my dad and mother think im crazy yet they claim to be christians, my big brother thinks im crazy as well as my stepdad,,i have no friends, i have no family, i have no husband, and I find no help in the Lord. I hope in him yes but i feel as he is ignoring me. Also all of my “christian” past relationships all treated me horribly (except one who was very young and i was his first girlfriend but he has left christ) all of them have fallen away from christ and all of them (excpet the youner one) treated me like a slave, they mentally and emotionally abused me. I have been handed a hard life, he has given me a name that fits my life (just as the ppl in the bible) my name heather means a blooming flower that thrives on petty barren wilderness. I am in a continual state of wilderness, the Lord has placed me in a place all my life where i will be in a continual state of chaos, abuse and pain in order to grow me and to use me. but i cannot endure this..i have illnesses in my body too that effect me as well that no doctor can find, no prayer has fixed..i cannot have children either. The Lord has made me to be a curse or has made my life to be a curse to me that I might grow in him…yet I am alone yet not alone because I have christ..but i fear I may die with no sweetness in my life…I dont know what to do with my husband. he has told me he hates it here, but he doesnt want to leave me simply because he will be banned and if anything changes he wont be able to be with me, but yet he says he doent care if he hurts me,,that he wants porn, he wants to masterbuate he wants to play horrible games, he wants to eat everything, he wants to work out…yet he helps me in no way shape or form either physically, mentally, emotionally nor spiritually. Only thing is he wants me to seek after God myself but he wants non of it…so i must wear headphones, must not talk about it or he gets irritated (unless that random week were he repents happens) im just so stressed and never cease crying ever. i have decided at this point to not speak at all..to him or at all……….i am miserable and will always be so what should be the point of speaking (though not talking would make me more miserable) but i cant speak anyways I have no one to speak to. except God but i already know his answer….it is to suffer as he suffered…..and my reward wil be great in heaven…yet I cannot suffer….I cannot suffer joyfully….though that has been all i have ever known both as a christian and as a non christian. can you please at least pray for me if you will not respond.
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Heather,
I did respond on 1-4-16, 1-8-16, and 2-9-16, here was my response on 2-9-16 but I hadn’t heard back from you. In January you had said something about that you didn’t want to talk about things here, so I had said that I respected that but asked you to reach out for help in person that you could trust. Please do speak up if you don’t see a response from me within a few days and you want me to respond. I try not to miss anyone who is hurting.
Heather,
Goodness! This sounds like a very difficult situation.๐ฆ
How long have yโall been married? Does he acknowledge that porn is sin?
Have you ever reached out for help?
Please check out http://www.xxxchurch.org for resources for you.
What was your relationship like before marriage? Did yโall have any godly counseling?
How is your walk with Christ going, my precious sister?
Much love to you!
————-
My sister… you are in a situation where you need to reach out for godly help. I am very glad you have reached out to me. I want you to have someone in person, too. Is there a Bible-teaching church you can go to nearby? Do you have a godly wife mentor who truly lives for God? This is not good for you to be all alone. There is a Christian counseling service that is available for free at http://www.focusonthefamily.com who can refer you to a counselor closer to you.
What is your understanding of God and how to be right with Him?
What resources are you using to grow?
What do you pray for?
What are your biggest fears?
What do you believe you need to heal?
Do you believe God desires you to stay? Are you familiar with healthy boundaries? Have you had a godly counselor to help you walk through the abuse you have suffered?
Sending you a huge hug, my dear sister!
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Heather,
Some additional Christian resources that may be helpful for someone experiencing emotional abuse:
http://www.leslievernick.com
http://www.focusministries1.org
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Hi Heather
I’m not April I’m just another wife, by having read what’s going on in your life I really want to reply to you, even though I’m at a loss what to say; you poor woman your suffering is so much! My faith is very weak and I would not want it tested under such trials as you speak of, but despite all your suffering you still recognise the truth in Jesus Christ and you still cling to His word and you believe that he will save you – you are a great encouragement to me!
I don’t know why God has given you such suffering but I do know that clinging to God is the way through for you. I’ve heard that no matter what Suffering God gives us he also promises to give us the Grace to bear it. I will pray for you tonight and whenever I remember – please please take Aprils advice and get yourself a counsellor or someone who shares your faith to be there for you, to listen and encourage you. You are not alone, Mary Christ’s mother knows what it’s like to feel excruciating pain having watched her son die on the cross, whenever you are overcome with grief… pray to Christ that he takes the weight of this heavy cross that it is God’s will for you to shoulder. God makes all things new, have faith, read the lives of the saints, they are very encouraging, and try to love your husband in the ways that you feel God is wanting you to.
I wish you much peace x
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Dear April,
I have only just come across your blog, but I have been pondering some of the subjects on it for a while. My question is, how best can I learn to submit to my husband as a spiritual authority when I am the more devout and theologically knowledgeable of us as a couple. I am a thinker and my husband is a doer and I often find that when I offer him theological ir spiritual issues for his opinion, he doesn’t really know enough about the subject to have an opinion. I would like to feel more able to respect his leadership, but also encourage him to think about these things for himself.
What would you suggest?
Thanks,
Ellie
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Ellie,
Most of us feel that we are in this same position when we begin this journey. I know I sure did. At first, my husband had a very hard time hearing God’s voice because all he could hear was my constant criticism of him spiritually and in many other ways. Greg said that as I stopped the negativity, criticism, bossing him around, self-righteousness, pride, control, and disrespect, he felt like someone took the static off the speaker with God’s voice in his heart. And as I began to truly learn to treat him with genuine respect, encouragement, affirmation, and honor, he said it was like someone put an amplifier on the speaker with God’s voice in his heart.
In the “categories” on the right column of my home page, you will find topics like “encouraging your husband to be a spiritual leader” and you may also search my home page for “lead” and “leader” for posts with ideas about how to best do this. Also you may search for “biblical submission,” “disrespect” and “respect.”
Much love to you!
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Dear Peacfulwife
I am 6days shy of a month being married, my husband and I just had a major disagreement in which he says he doesn’t feel like praying with me anymore, in truth I only pray and study when I am happy with him.
We both said alot of hurtful things to each other, I’m not a very organised person, I wish I was, and I see its also taking its toll.
I want to take your challenge to focus on myself and look to build myself up, I also see most of the issues he raised to be from resentment from when we were dating. We didn’t date God’s way even though we are both believers. And I see this has painted a hypocritical picture of me on his mind.
He is also talks rudely about my Dad to me and I find it very distasteful. I am very respectful if his family, and he feels I am my dads loyalist.
I hope to share a testimony. I hope to rise above the hitches, I hear people say the first
few years are tough, I have always confessed otherwise, I just want to move beyond this soon.
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Grapevine,
Congratulations on your marriage! You know what? In our marriage, things went well for about 3 days, and then a lot of things began to go wrong. I did not handle it well, at all, unfortunately. And I had no one to turn to for help. I would be happy to walk beside you on this road, my precious sister!
Please check out these posts and let me know what God may be speaking to your heart:
– I Wish My Husband Would Pray with Me More – Part 1
– I Wish My Husband Would Pray with Me More – Part 2
– How Men Pray – please read the comments
– What Does It Mean to Be an Ungodly Woman?
– Godly Femininity – Part 1
– Godly Femininity – Part 2
– Healthy VS Unhealthy Relationships
– Apologizing Stories
– A Spiritual Check-Up
– I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually
– I Am Responsible for My Emotions
How is your relationship with God right now? What do you want in your relationship with God?
Is it possible that you are more attached to your dad than to your husband?
What do you want in your marriage?
What are the dynamics like right now? Is one of you more passive or more controlling than the other?
Are you willing to totally surrender to God and to the Lordship of Christ? Is there anything you are holding back?
What are your greatest fears?
What do you believe you need to be content?
Much love to you!
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Dear Peaceful wife
Thank you for all that you are doing! Your ministry is a blessing. I am interested in
Hearing about what happened with the following post LonelyDaughterofGod on December 5, 2014 at 12:05 pm… I never saw a response and our stories are very similar with the exception of my husband being a minister, having a sexual addiction
( he says to the Internet/phone sex only) and is an addictions counselor ( sex and drugs and alcohol) it’s a mess. I have a son 13 y/o from a prior marriage, and we have a 3 year old daughter together. My husband is home every night. He was recently caught in his sin, but is resentfully accountable to me. He will be attending Every Mans Battle in a couple of months to try to get help for his sexual integrity issues. I am ready to submit to God… I’m tired.
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Theministerswife2011,
Oh goodness! I can’t see where I responded to her. I try so hard not to ever miss any comments. Thank you for bringing her to my attention, I will ask her how she is doing. ๐
Such a painful situation for a wife. There are resources at http://www.xxxchurch.org that may be helpful. I also invite you to search my home page for “porn.”
Does he have a male accountability partner? That would probably be better than you trying to be his accountability partner. Has your husband confessed his sin to the deacons or any of the leading men at church?
How are YOU doing spiritually? What support do you have spiritually?
There is healing for you both available in Christ. I am praying for you both today, my precious sister! Thank you for reaching out!
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Heads up April.
Your link on the “writing team” page for the modest site your write for leads to a hacked internet page.
If you can remove/fix the link without going there yourself I’d recommend it.
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A,
Thank you!
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Hi April
I am rock bottom and in serious need of love and prayer and a lot of God. Me and my husband have been married for a year. I have said I hated him because I felt so unloved and the things he has done to me. Recently I expressed how I thought our marriage is over and he said he wants a divorce.
I know what I said and I do not want that. I love him so much and I have asked for forgiveness and a chance to change. He says he does not believe that. I’m hard in character and I just realized how terrible I was and I’m seeking through you and God for guidance because I do not want him to leave me.
Unfortunately our whole relationship has been through long-distance because of the military but I need words of wisdom. He is very admin in leaving and I want to keep begging but I know it will do more harm then good. I can’t face the fact if he leaves me. He said he needs to seek guidance from his mom, but his mom has been through so many divorces that I fear she will steer him in leaving as they are not in faith either.
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Marisol,
Yuck! That is a big mess, my dear sister. ๐ฆ I wish I could give you a big hug! I’m glad you asked for forgiveness and let him know you don’t hate him and that you do want to be married. I sure wish that spouses wouldn’t say such destructive things. I’m sure you won’t in the future. But to tell a husband, “I hate you!” Or “I think our marriage is over” – those are words we can’t take back. They are catastrophic words that bring death to a relationship. How I long for us to use our words to bring LIFE and healing, not death!
What is your relationship with Christ like?
What would you like your relationship to be with God?
What do you want in your marriage?
Much love to you! I would be glad to point you to the healing that is available in Christ Jesus!
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April,
I wish i would’ve spoken words of love as well. Unfortunately I did not. And I cannot take back anything I said. However I have taken steps in meeting with my pastor and his guidance through all of this and most importantly with God in growing closer to God primarily, and changing my character. I’m really struggling in my relationship with God in letting him guide me, it’s difficult just sitting back and putting all your trust in him that it will be ok. Even tho in faith I know it, but in action and actually applying it is so much harder. Its been difficult because we live in two different states. We rarely get to see each other let alone talk to each other because of work and the distance. I’m in constant prayer for him to just not give up on me so easily. But ultimately I will respect his wishes and continue on this path of self-growth in God and love. Some things are just going to be out of my control, and that’s ok. Primarily I want our marriage to survive this really cold winter season. It’s only been a week but I’ve started to feel God’s presence, comfort, and love more. As time goes by trusting God has become a lot easier.
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Hi April,
This is kinda off topic, but you mentioned in one of your videos that you had read about 30 books on marriage and how to be a submissive wife. Just wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing what some of those books are the you read.
Thanks for your time,
~L
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L,
You may search my home page for “favorite marriage books” there is a post about that. The one from 9-2012 is the most complete. ๐
Much love!
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April,
I am so thankful for this site. I find myself very frustrated and hurt about a particular thing that continues to happen in our marriage. My husband will go to his mom/brother/grandmother and or dad to discuss life changing plans about our lives before he talks to me (or prays with me) about it. When I confront him with this hurt, he glosses over it and says it’s no big deal and he didn’t do anything wrong. This has happened about us moving (from out of state to right down the road from them) and now with him quitting his job for a while and borrowing thousands from his family to start a business). I found out about this because his mom texted me and asked me if my husband “talked with me yet”.
I am angry, sad, depressed. I am confused. I am also pregnant with our first child due in 3 weeks. I’m scared. I am trying to cling to Christ, I’m trying to respond with grace and submission. I feel so hurt and scared and angry. He is so enmeshed with his family and it is unhealthy and I feel like an afterthought, I feel undervalued.
I’m sorry I just need encouragement. I need prayer. I need wisdom. I need Trust. Do you have any articles/advice you can direct me to that will help? Thank you.
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Kala,
It is wonderful to meet you, my sweet sister! Congratulations on your new baby that is on the way! ๐
I can certainly relate to what you are describing. This issue causes a lot of problems in many marriages. We are supposed to leave our parents and cling to each other and put our spouse above other people in our lives. When this doesn’t happen, it creates tension and a feeling almost like being betrayed for the spouse.
Unfortunately, when I felt as you are feeling, I lashed out at my husband (and his parents) and became very negative, controlling, prideful, self-righteous, disrespectful, hostile, bitter, and resentful. My response was a fleshly one that created more destruction. I did not respond in the power of God for so long earlier in our marriage. I made things so much worse.
How long have you been married?
How old are each of you?
Does your husband have any addictions, mental health issues or severe issues in his life right now that you know of?
How have you tried to approach him?
Have you shared that you feel hurt and that you feel like an afterthought and like you are not being valued?
Did y’all have any counseling before marriage about these issues?
Do either of you have any godly mentors now?
How is your walk with Christ going?
What are the general dynamics in your marriage personality wise? Is one person more dominating and one more passive?
Do his parents encourage this situation where he talks with them first?
There is MUCH hope for healing for you in Christ! I would love to point you to some resources.
Much love to you!
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I am absolutely responding incorrectly and it is SO hard to change. I have tried, cried, pleaded with God to help me, yet it seems that somehow in my heart I am still not turning to Him or allowing Him to become more than this hurt in my heart. It is validating to hear you confirm the hurt that this type of situation causes, I know it’s not exactly God’s design which always causes pain, yet I also have a tendency to become a “victim” which I know is a very destructive mindset.
We have been married for about 2 1/2 years. I have a good relationship with his family and feel strongly I am meant to love them and show them the unconditional love of Christ, as they are to me. But right now I am failing in every way. I am 30 and my husband is 31. I have talked with him about this and he understands to a degree but seems to just disregard it when it comes down to it all. We did have a few sessions of premarital counseling with our pastor before we got married but this did not come up. I have known his family for a long time but I never imagined it would be this hurtful and I would feel as though I am competing with his mother and sister. Am I ridiculous? Oh God help my heart!
I am a born again Christian since age 24, set free, redeemed and in love with my Savior, however this has been one of the most difficult things I have had to navigate and I feel as though I am failing God, even purposefully turning to anger/bitterness? Very scary territory. And I feel SO CONDEMNED because I know it’s wrong and I am disappointing God. My goodness what is wrong with me?
His parents are Christians by name, but their marriage is extremely unhealthy and there has been so much pain there. I believe that his mother turns to her children (my husband is her oldest son) to fulfill what she lacks from her husband in an extremely unhealthy way. This, in turn, affects me (obviously). And I’m not sure that my husband is able to see this, because it has been this way his whole life.
We both desire godly mentors but haven’t seem to find them yet. I am hopeful this is beginning to change.
We attend church regularly where I work as an administrative assistant. There have been some issues with my mother-in-law and our pastor that’s a whole other set of issues, and I feel silenced because I don’t want to expose or uncover any shame for his family.. does that make sense? I want to honor and respect them but at the same time I am angry all around in my heart. That is why I wrote you through your blog. Thanks so much for all you are doing and taking time to “listen”. May God bless your ministry. I would love some resources if you have them.
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Kala,
It is impossible to change in our own strength. Sometimes we get stuck because we have expectations we don’t want to let go of. There is a lot of freedom in laying down all of our expectations and clinging to Christ alone. The awesome thing is – you don’t have to compete with his mom and sister. You are his wife. You have a covenant with him. You can rest in that. But you can also ask for what you would like respectfully. If he continues to be enmeshed with his family, it is tempting to lash out in anger, resentment, and bitterness. It is tempting to hold grudges against all of them. It is tempting to feel justified in responding to him and his family in sinful, destructive ways.
Don’t do it. Please learn from my poor example. If you repay evil with evil or you justify wrong attitudes, motives, unforgiveness, resentment, and bitterness in your heart – it is poison to YOU. It is poison to your relationship with Christ and grieves the Holy Spirit and then you don’t have His power to overcome temptations and to live in victory.
In-law relationships can be some of the most difficult issues in marriage. I feel the pain in your words, my precious sister.
You are not wrong to feel upset. You are not wrong to want your husband to come to you first. You are not wrong to want him to break ties a bit with his family and to put you above them. That is God’s design.
BUT – it is going to be critical that you deal with any sinful motives and thoughts in your heart and get rid of them so that you can abide in Christ and be filled to overflowing with His Spirit so that you can hear God’s prompting and His wisdom and respond in His power without sin no matter what your husband and his family are doing.
Are you willing to lay down all of your expectations of your husband and be content in Christ alone? Once you can answer that question, we can move forward.
Some posts that may be helpful, please search:
– expectations
– bitterness
– insecurity
– forgiveness
– security
– fear
– a spiritual check up
– how to stay filled with the Holy Spirit
– resting in Christ
Also, Leslie Vernick’s site http://www.leslievernick.com has articles about how to handle toxic people, critical people, controlling people, etc… that may be a blessing.
My goal is for you to be fully healed spiritually and filled up with Christ. That has to be priority number one. Then God will show you the way He has for you and we can pray together for Him to work in your husband and in His family. God is sovereign and very powerful. He can get their attention and convict them and change their hearts. You can’t do that. But He can in His timing.
First, He wants to change you. I pray you won’t miss any of the precious spiritual treasures God has for you in this time of trial. This can be the greatest opportunity you have ever had to grow spiritually in your faith and to be refined by Christ if you are willing to receive what He wants to do in you.
Much love!
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Dear Peaceful Wife, I wish I would find this blog few months ago. My husband already is out of our relationship, he had enough. However, I believe that everything happening as it has to happen. I am so happy to find your blog and read book. I stay and read all day long, at it gives me courage, hope and actions, that I have to complete to become better woman. We still live together with my husband and I am 3 months pregnant. So I pray from deep of my heart and I am on my way to becoming peaceful wife or exwife, not sure how to call me at this moment. Thank you a lot for this extraordinary work! All wifes should now about it! Thank you!
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BelieverinLove,
I’m so glad God has brought you here. I praise Him that He is working in your heart! ๐ Congratulations on your new pregnancy. I know with the hunger you have to know God more and to allow Him to transform you, that He is about to do some amazing things in your life. I pray for healing for you, for your husband, and for your marriage, my dear sister!
How may I pray for you?
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The pray for me, for my husband and for our marriage is all it is needed at this precious moment! Thank you for book and for your strengh, insights and this great blog! I have all tools, now it all depends on me.
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BelieverinLove,
This makes me smile. I already know with an attitude and motives like this that God is powerfully at work and will continue His good work in you. I am so excited to see all that He has in store for you and the healing and insights and treasures He is going to share with you on this journey! ๐
What an honor that God allows us to share this road together and that He allows me to share the things He has shown me. I can’t thank Him enough for what He has done in my life and in thousands of women’s lives around the world and in their marriages and families.
Much love to you, my precious sister!
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Hello, I really enjoyed your article on “Prayer for abused people “, I wanted to know if you found it from a book ?
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Nicole Horton,
I’m glad that was a blessing. ๐ I wrote the prayer. It isn’t from a book.
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Do unto others as you would have done to you.
I don’t have to be religious or in biblical submission to follow the simple rule above. I don’t want to be disrespected, unloved, abused etc.., in anyway so I don’t do those things to anyone.
Your articles touch on this rule alot and I find it wonderful that we are different in understanding but share the same view.
Thank you for taking the time to write this blog.
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Jessie,
The Golden Rule does really simplify things – if we will think about treating others with the level of respect, love, honor, dignity, and worth that we would like to be treated. ๐ Jesus was very wise to share that.
You are welcome – I hope it will be a blessing to you. ๐
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Hi April,
I found out about your website thanks to my Pastor. I’m a newly baptized Christian and I’m doing what ever it takes to please the Lord Jesus Christ. I watched your youtube video about why you wear a head covering when you pray and found it very interesting. My Pastor teaches the Word biblically and wearing a headcovering is an important part of it. As women of the church and wives to our husbands we have to defend our beliefs as Christians and not allow ourselves to partake in worldly customs and follow God’s teaching and embrace the holy lifestyle. I also found myself fighting the Word’s teachings just as you did about having authority over your head. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ for giving us understanding and knowledge about submitting to our husbands and ultimately Him. My church and I will be praying for Greg, that the Lord can give him understanding and help him realize that wearing the head covering not just in church but throughout the day is honorable in Gods eyes.
Thank you,
Michelle
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Michelle,
It is wonderful to meet you.:) Welcome into the family of Christ Jesus! SENDING YOU THE BIGGEST HUG!
And thank you so much for praying. Please pray that Greg and I will be obedient to God in all things and filled with His Spirit to give us the power to do all that He desires us to do for His glory.
Much love!
April
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Dearest April,
I just wanted to let you know that your blog has been my lifeline since I discovered it in January. I read it multiple times a day continuously to fill my head with good thoughts. I bought your book and read it multiple times. Your work has truly been a blessing to so many women. Today I finally found the courage to post a comment.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for 12. We have two girls, 8 and 5. I’ve always thought that our marriage has been a happy marriage. In October my husband surprised me by saying he has been unhappy. I responded with a shock, and we tried to talk a lot more about each other’s needs. Back then, I didn’t know that things in his mind have been so bad that he’s already thought of divorce. He has shut down for a long time without me knowing.
I read many books, one of them was Love and Respect. That book and Marriage Builder brought me to tears. Even though I knew the concept of respect, it’s really your blog with its practical applications in bullet points that really convicted me.
My husband is not perfect, but I can do my part. I listed everything I thought I did wrong and apologized to my husband in January. He said he forgave me, but he continued to struggle with “I’m just not attracted to you anymore” and he’s convinced there is somebody else better than me out there.
Our counselor also said that even though I had some faults, he is also responsible for not sharing himself. Now he’s blaming everyone of his repressed self, God, his family, and mostly me.
All my positive changes were viewed as being manipulative. I sent him list of things that I truly admired about him and he said they seem forced. However, he’s quick to see any faults. I saw your post about stages in this journey. I don’t mind him being skeptical. I wish he would give us time as you said it would take a while.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t have time to fix our relationship. At the end, he said that he noticed my changes, however his feelings cannot change and he cannot live with it. He moved out mid-march hoping he would get his feelings back if he’s alone, but nothing happened so now he wants divorce.
I’m falling apart right now. I cannot do anything. God was neglected when we were happy but I went back to God after the crisis, and learned so much. Now He’s the only one I have. I slept with my bible as I cried at night. I woke up crying too remembering all these great times we shared that he said they were all just “fake” and I had to turn to my bible. I prayed and prayed but it’s still very hurting.
My husband is a Christian and he was very active when we were younger, before kids. But because of the divorce, he thinks he doesn’t believe in God anymore and he was “forced” to believe before. However, he still cannot get away completely from church. He still wants to grow and go to church even if we’re divorced. Even if he makes wrong choices, he said God will forgive him. I cannot believe he said that.
My husband said he has prayed to God and God gave him nothing. He said if he really hears God telling him to go back to his marriage, then he will. I don’t know what he expects.
I’m just giving him space now and clinging to God myself. Nothing I say would matter anyway. Please pray for us. Please pray for me to be able to cling to Him alone. I read and reread about clinging to God alone, and I am really trying my best but I still don’t get this peace that everyone is talking about. Please pray that God opens my husband’s eyes and heart to really hear. I truly believe if he goes back to Him, and obey, everything will fall into place.
I also saw in one post that you have an abandoned wife email support group. Can I still be part of it?
Thank you so much, April.
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Hi Ling. I’m sorry you are going through all of this. I myself are going through something similar. My husband has wanted to leave, doesn’t want to be with me etc. I believe that my husband is being told lies from Satan. If God is the God of truth and love, Satan is the king of lies. He doesn’t want to see marriages strong and stay together. So with that in mind, my prays have been very much about the spiritual battle. I have looked for spiritual prayers online, read verses about marriages and God’s truth. God loves marriage, he has stated what is truth. The best I can do in this time is stand firm in that truth. My favourite verse is “trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your way acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.” Some days I simply repeat over and over again, “I trust you God, I trust you God.”
Keep up the good work, each step is a step closer to God. Turn your eyes towards your heavenly father who loves you more than you will ever know. Talk to your best friend Jesus who has walked this earth and there is nothing he can not do and has not been through.
Blessings
Adele
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Adele,
Thank you so much for your encouragement. My husband has moved out and we’re not talking so I don’t know the real story, but I heard one man in his community group has already told him – you have been deceived.
Sadly, of course, he got upset. He thinks everyone is telling him what to do.
I truly convinced Satan has a firm a grip on him right now that he cannot see anything else.
Just pray and pray.
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Ling,
It is so wonderful to meet you! How I thank and praise God for what He has been showing you in recent months. But goodness- such a painful place you are both in right now. ๐ฆ I wish I could give you a huge hug!
The skeptical stage for husbands often lasts many months, sometimes a year or longer, depending largely on how wounded they are. But you are right, he has responsibilities, too. It will take time for him to realize that the changes in you are real. His feelings absolutely can change – he just doesn’t know that yet. ๐ You can respect his decisions and care about his feelings. But keep in mind that his feelings are changeable in God’s hands and that God is sovereign, not your husband or his current emotional state.
I’m so glad you are turning to God! That is the best news! I know the pain is very, very deep right now, my precious sister. But I also know our God can turn this mess into something so beautiful as you fully yield to Him in total trust and surrender. Sometimes a very wounded spouse needs some time alone to be able to begin to heal and to be able to begin to hear God’s voice again.
No, your words won’t impact him right now. But God can heal him. And God can continue to heal and transform you. ๐ There is a stage in the beginning when we are hashing through our fears that is not very peaceful. The peace comes later – after you totally submit everything to God and act on it. The peace is a side effect of being close to God.
That email group has disbanded, but you may search my home page for “facebook” and you are welcome to join the women’s prayer FB group I have – it is a closed group. Quite a few are in similar situations there as the one you are in right now.
Also, there are threads on this post and this post where there are a few wives and a husband in similar situations that are encouraging each other – you are welcome to join in there, as well. ๐
We all have to get to the point where we are “poor in spirit” – where we realize we have zero ability to make anything better and that we are completely dependent on God. That is a good place to be because that is where we have to start.
Praying for you to allow God total access to everything in your heart, mind, and soul. There are a lot of things He will want to help you rip out, a lot of wrong thinking, and worldly wisdom. But then He can and will help you rebuild on Christ and His Word alone. ๐
Much love to you!!!!
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Oh April,
Thank you so much for replying to my comment. Just know that your compassion really moved my heart. Your life is a perfect example of what Christ followers’ life should be.
As I was composing the reply to your email, my husband just came in to the house unannounced to ask for my social number to start divorce paperwork.
We’re supposed on trial separation until August. I didn’t want to think about it until then as I am really struggling right now. I’m hoping to be in peace with whatever happens until then. But he said he would start now anyway, because it will take time, and he can decide in August. Why is he in such a hurry.
April, I felt the room went sideways this morning and I saw black spots. My legs lost their strength. I’ve never felt this before. He, who’s supposed to be the protector of our family. He, who’s supposed to hold me when I’m hurting. He even didn’t see me collapse, sob, and hyperventilate. The sense of betrayal is too great. My best friend of 17 years and the person I trust my life with.
In the last couple of months, I’ve tried my best to curb my emotions and have never fallen apart in front of him. I feel so fake putting on a brave front when I’m not. Is that why he feels he can just come in unannounced saying all these things, not knowing that my day is now destroyed.
I’m not sure what to do. I’ve decided I’m not going to talk to him even though I have a lot I want to say. I try not to see him or write unless it’s about the kids or if he asks questions. Is that the right thing to do?
I know there are stages of healing, but how can he even know my changes are real if he’s not even here to see the changes.
The saddest part is, I don’t think he cares.
God feels very silent. I cried out and cried out to HIm because I have nowhere else to go. I am trying to trust all HIs promises, but how I long for Him to speak to me. Like some people said the His words just pops out..
Just keep praying for me to experience that oneness with Jesus. I know, there is nowhere else I can go. I’m hurting so much for my husband too because he’s so lost and I cannot do anything about it.
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Ling,
I can’t take credit for anything good in my life. That is a Jesus thing. And I can’t claim perfection, that is for sure. But I am not who I was and I am not where I once was – all the praise for that goes to God! ๐
It sounds like you were very close to fainting this morning. Like your blood pressure quickly dropped because of the shock. ๐ฆ I’m so sorry you are hurting so much!!!!!!
My desire is not that any of us would be fake, but that we would find all of our joy, contentment, peace, and purpose in Christ alone – not in our husbands, or any person, or in our marriages.
I am sure he knows your day was destroyed by his words. Those were “nuclear bomb” kinds of words.
Your desire to be one with Jesus is the best place to be. Continue to cry out to God. Continue to seek to lay everything down and to release it in trust to Him, no matter what may happen. Determine that you want God to empower you to be content in Christ alone. He is enough. Sometimes we don’t realize He is, but He definitely is more than enough for us.
Your husband may be in a very bad place emotionally and spiritually right now. You can’t change that. But you can focus on becoming the woman and wife God calls you to be no matter what your husband does. And as you grow stronger in Christ, you can pray powerfully and effectively for your husband. And you can set a godly example that will bless him as God gives you the opportunity. But more than your husband needs to see you – he needs God. God can open his eyes totally without your help, thankfully. Even if he leaves. God has a way of reaching people that is infinitely more powerful than our attempts.
I hope you will focus on praising God, thanking God for anything good, allowing God to work to help you get rid of any sin in your own heart or any wrong thinking, and that you will pray for God to reach your husband. Perhaps he is ensnared by the enemy right now?
Much love to you, my precious sister!
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Dearest April,
My husband served me divorce papers yesterday. I know I can delay this up to a year if I want to, hoping God will heal him during that time but I don’t know what I should do.
During counseling yesterday he finally confessed that he had emotional affairs. He blamed the temptations on the fact that his needs are not met. He really didn’t put any effort to connect to me emotionally or spiritually during the marriage, which he didn’t see of course. I kept saying of course your needs were not met, you have been shutting me out and didn’t give me a chance to meet your needs.
Like I said in my other posts, your website was God sent. He didn’t even say what he needed but I came up with a list myself that I asked for forgiveness and that I am changing, back in January. I felt that my changing was God thing, I couldn’t have done it without His convictions.
My husband kept saying there is nothing to fix in this relationship, since he has to mute himself. I kept saying, I want you to unmute yourself. I’ve been struggling so much since he was so unplugged.
Now we have separated for two months and he had the kids on some days, he said how nice it is to take care of the kids himself without my interference. i wish he would have done from before, as I was so overwhelmed by his not stepping up.
Oh April. I really did change since January and he saw, but in every argument he only brought up the past and couldn’t apply it to my changes. Now we are separated I cannot show him, and divorce is looming. I’m not sure what to do right now. It really hurts but I still extend my loving heart by talking to him politely and trying to initiate things.
I’m just so sad that I believe that our marriage can be saved if he’s willing and able to see it.
Unfortunately I don’t have Facebook account anymore. I was hoping I can submit a prayer request for the Holy Spirit to work on my husband’s heart. Meanwhile I’m crying out to God constantly but sadly the feeling of missing my husband and the hurt Are so real.
Thank you at least this website pointed me to the places God wanted me to change.
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Ling,
I am so very sorry to hear about that your husband served you divorce papers. ๐ฆ SO heartbreaking!
It sounds like you were both hurting, and maybe could have both been hurting each other. That is often the case. But – I do want you to know that he is responsible for his emotional affairs. He will be accountable to God for them. We are each accountable for our own sin. Of course, when we obey God ourselves, it is easier for our spouses. But none of us get a free pass to sin or get to blame our spouse for our sin.
I am SO GLAD you said that you want him to unmute himself!
Of course I will pray for the Holy Spirit to work on your husband’s heart.
Lord,
We lift up Ling and her husband and children to You. The enemy is so pleased over the destruction and pain going on and all of the sin and dysfunction. Draw Ling and her husband to Yourself individually, Lord. Regenerate their souls. Let them each fully submit to Christ as Lord as Your Spirit works in them. We pray for Your greatest glory in this situation. We praise and thank You that You are able to make beautiful things from the biggest messes. I pray for Ling to abide in Christ and to focus on You and on becoming the woman You call her to be as she allows Your Spirit to fill her to overflowing each day. Help her honor You in the way she treats her husband. Help him see what he is throwing away. Let them both heal individually, and then we pray for healing for the marriage and family for Your greatest glory! We pray against the schemes of the enemy and pray for Your will and Your kingdom to come in this family.
In the Name and power of Christ,
Amen!
You are most welcome to search my home page for:
– husband said I’m done
– husband wanted a divorce
– a divorce and reconciliation story
– peaceful separated wife
– separated wife
– divorced wife
– how to stay filled with the Holy Spirit
– godly femininity
– can you pray too much for your marriage?
Much love to you!
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Hi to all! I’ve been kinda happily married the past five years. I feel for all of you that haven’t even got that far ๐ฆ … it’s been a struggle for me too.
I’ve been reading this blog for several months now and it always makes me feel better or cry. Usually, I can find my own way through reading posts and comments and praying, but this past week has been such an utter nightmare that I need someone to talk to. Or talk me out of things I keep considering. If ANYONE feels inclined to comment, please do! I honestly don’t want to paint anyone in a bad light, I’m just going to explain it the way it appeared/appears to me. It’s a long story, and I’m a writer, so I apologize for the length ahead of time lol…
I’m well aware that divorce, suicide and wishing others would just vanish is pretty bad, but I keep going back to it in one big circle.
Ever since our wedding day, I had doubts that he was who I should be with. As was usual, his parents were late, and we HAD to wait for them. The person marrying us was on a time crunch no less. When they finally got there, they had been arguing over some atm thing, and my mother in law practically threw the bouquet she made for me at me and said, ‘I hope you’re happy’.
Even while dating, I wasn’t particularly well-liked, they even thought I was a pagan or something for a long time, so I was like okay, whatever, he told me that he was going to put me first and their relationship would be minimized. HA. Haha.
When we first were married, I kept to that and didn’t spend a whole lot of time with my family, or friends. He kinda did, but whenever too long of a time would pass, he’d act resentful of me and we’d end up arguing. I don’t remember now if I ever told he was acting resentful at that time or not, but I do now on things and he claims he’s not, but his attitude says otherwise. There was, and still is, always some party or another happening with them and whenever I’d say I didn’t want to go, let’s do something on our own(mind you, this isn’t even two months from getting married), he’d get upset with me because it upset his mom. It didn’t come out until more recently that he says he defended me to them all the time. He was mad when he told me that, so I wasn’t sure how to react, still not sure. I defended him to my parents as well; I didn’t see it as a huge deal, and they mellowed out on him after a while.
Fast forward to when I got pregnant about 8-9 months later. I’m kind of a klutz, and if you’ve been pregnant, I’m sure you know it’s worse with an extra person sticking out in front of you lol. So I fell off the steps of our apartment when I was probably 5 months in. I wasn’t hurt at all, nor was baby. Buuut, husband decides that I can’t be alone. So every morning he would drive me to my parents’ house for the day. Every night(though he will swear up and down this isn’t true), we’d argue over nearly ANYTHING. Usually about the car my parents gave us though, since the one he had started blowing the blue smoke of death. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I’d just cry. And he’d yell at me for crying.
When the labor pains finally happened, I was at my parents of course. And he wanted me to go the hospital right away. I didn’t because the doctor told me not to until the contractions were so far apart. My dad supported my decision on that, as he generally would regarding something like that. Thus, my husband now seems to forever resent him for that, and me for not listening.
Once baby was born, baby was taken away from me and sent to a nursery because he was an ounce over average weight so he must surely be diabetic and surely I couldn’t hold him to try to nurse. Husband ran off with the rest of the family to watch the nursery and chat while I was left in the stupid birthing room for three hours getting stitches because baby caused some tearing. I still don’t really want to have more kids because of his attitude and my phobia of hospitals.
Things after that were kind of okay other than the incessant whining of a certain grandparent wanting ‘equal airtime’ with us. Aka, I would go over to visit my mom during the week so I could rest a little and someone else would only get to see baby on the weekend. We rarely got weekends to ourselves, if any actually. And I caught the blame for that whenever I’d protest.
At some point, we got along better. We didn’t even fight about the house we bought. He still hated and resented the little, fuel-effecient car my parents gave us. Until it died. And his commute to work was about an hour at the time. Oh well! We had a van too that worked, but really bad gas mileage.
After two years in our house, getting along fairly well, I started having those nasty doubts about being married to the right person again. I don’t know what triggered it, but I was pretty dumpy feeling for probably a month. I would have pulled out of it eventually, but he kept heckling and hounding me on what was wrong with me until I finally snapped. I stopped wanting to even look at him. Then one day we argued over me not wanting to visit his mother(widowed over a year ago at that point, but that’s another depressing story) and he took our son and went there by himself. I called a friend and bawled my eyes out while he was gone. I later visited friends, including a friend who is mother to my only ex. I decided I wanted to be an independent person and was going to get a job and a life of my own. I said nothing of divorce, but he took that to mean divorce. Again he heckled and hounded and worded things so that I really did consider it. I never acted on it. After he dredged it up again, I told him I was considering it. We reconciled, and I worked harder at being good little housewife and I thought we were good and trusting of one another again.
Well, guess not. He’s constantly hearing people talking about him behind his back. I guess it stems from where he’s working now, where he believes they have him under surveillance and are conspiring against him. I took him at his word for a while, I even took his word that my dad constantly says things about him while we’re at their house, unbelievable as that may be. Until the other night when he claimed my dad said something off-color. But this time I was sitting RIGHT THERE. I heard him say something entirely different. Now husband is going on about ‘he’s not the crazy one, that he has heard these things clearly’. I said I was really having trouble believing him since the other night. And we fought again. Unfortunately, I get a bit of an attitude when the same argument is presented to me more than once or twice. As I usually do after deciding I’m not fighting anymore, I kept saying ‘I’m sorry’, well one of my sorries I said while my back was to him and I was doing something else. He thought I said something off-color, and accused me of it right there. I told him he misheard what I said right then. He called me a liar. I blew up, started crying and went to another room. He continued to accuse me and after more words he accused me of plotting something to have a reason to divorce. Says he can’t trust me because it’s only been three months since the divorce thing(it was last October btw, he has issues with being obsessed with the past).
Today I really, truly considered it and went to this blog as usual when I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Honestly, I don’t see anything other than disagreeing about what he heard, but I won’t let anyone accuse me of something I’m not guilty of, and really I’ll defend anyone who’s innocent so, yeah. All I see on here is when your husband is disrespected, but I feel seriously disrespected…
And by the Bible, I have no right or reason to leave him. So I end up wishing he’d die. Then I feel awful for even thinking that and think maybe I should just die. In circles it goes lol.
I’m not bitter with anyone but myself for choosing the path I did.
God’s blessings to anyone crazy and caring enough to read my book here.
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I tried,
Wow. That is a lot of pain right there – maybe on both sides, it sounds like. ๐ฆ I can certainly understand why you would be feeling upset and frustrated. Marriage is very tough.
I obviously don’t know your husband’s side of the story. But it sounds like a lot of very different expectations and misunderstandings.
Do you believe that either of you are dealing with any mental health issues, addictions to drugs/alcohol/prescriptions, affairs, porn use, or abuse?
What is your relationship with Christ at this point?
How do you believe you can be in right relationship with God?
Are you interested in finding spiritual healing for yourself regardless of what is going on with your husband? ๐
Have you ever gone to any mentors or godly counselors to help you with the issues in your marriage?
Are there any good things about your husband that you can think of?
How do you respond to him when you feel disrespected?
Do you feel justified to lash out at your husband in sinful ways if he sins against you?
What do you want in your relationship with God?
What do you do about wishing you or your husband would die? Do you talk with God about any of that?
Sending you a huge hug! There is HOPE and healing available for you in Christ, my precious sister!
Much love to you!
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Hey, thanks for replying back so quick, I know you’re busy!
Very tough indeed… and alot of misunderstandings because he rarely speaks up regarding his feelings. That was from his childhood family life I guess. I call it emotional neglect on their part, but anyway it wasn’t something I realized until the past year, little late at that point lol.
I know have none, but lately I’ve had to question his with all this hearing people talking about him, like schizophrenic paranoia almost. And it’s pushed me to the point that I wonder if I could even live with that… ๐ฆ . Addictions, none really that I know of on his end other than him being so cursedly obsessed with the past and how people perceive him. We both had a porn thing that ended our first year because we had each other. I do have an addiction to fantasizing about being someone else, how different my life might’ve been if I hadn’t gotten married, how great it’d be if the world collapsed, etc. I generally do keep those fantasies in check, but when I’m stressed it goes rampant. Then I feel guilty how other people would fare if any came true lol so ask God’s forgiveness and to never let those things happen.
Was pretty good until last week when I started getting doubts of where I should be again. Then the argument happened. So right now, I’m reeling and forcing myself to pray and read devotionals.
No idea, except trying to stay put with my husband and not seek divorce. Maybe actually find a church to be a part of. Be part of a ministry, but I can’t seem to find one that I’d be of any use to.
I’d like to… just still feeling a little betrayed by God and my husband.
Just one, but she had a bad run in with my husband’s family already so I don’t know if she was the right choice. Otherwise, you’re the first. I really need one though. Guess that’s why I finally got the guts to post something.
I know there’s alot of good to him, but I have so much trouble making a list and I feel horrible for it…
I get distant because I try to bite my tongue so I don’t say something mean.
Sometimes I do. I usually just go distant.
I’m not sure… something tangible, I guess. I know God’s super subtle, but I fail in ‘subtle’ and can’t stand non-direct conversation.
Just fantasies. Sometimes I put the energies into someplace else. I almost always ask forgiveness for such awful thoughts and ask Him to cleanse my stupid brain.
Thank you so much! I know there is, just feels impossible to get. Like a previous poster, I rarely feel at peace even with prayer.
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I Tried,
I don’t know if your husband has a “clinical” level of paranoia or not – or if it is just dysfunction and a habit from developing an unhealthy set of fixed beliefs, or maybe from believing lies or something? If you feel it is something you can’t deal with on your own, I do advise you to seek godly, experienced, trustworthy counsel one-on-one even if he won’t go with you.
We all have scars from our childhood – some more than others. Thankfully, Christ is able to heal us from all of that if we turn to Him and give Him access and allow Him to rip out our old ways of toxic thinking and we allow Him to help us rebuild on Him, His Word, and His truth. That is my prayer for both of you. ๐
People pleasing can be an idol – here is a post about that.
I invite you to check out my Youtube channel, April Cassidy, and watch the video from a few weeks ago on Taking Our Thoughts Captive. Perhaps it will be a blessing when you are tempted into those dark fantasies.
We all need to be part of a Bible-teaching, Bible-living church. It is not about what you can do for them – although, as you grow, you will be healthier and more Spirit-filled and able to contribute. But first, we just need to get you spiritually fed and some godly counsel and friends and mentors.
Why do you believe you are feeling betrayed by God?
The more you reject the voice of the enemy, and you get rid of the sin in your life as God helps you, the more obvious and direct God’s voice will become in your life. ๐
We can’t have peace when we are clinging to any sin or cherishing it in our hearts.
Here are some posts that I believe may be a blessing that you may want to search:
How to Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit
Godly Femininity
Resting in Christ
And please also search:
– fear
– worry
– bitterness
– anger
– lordship of Christ
There is healing available for you in Jesus, my dear sister! If you are willing to seek and desire Him far above anything and anyone else in this world and you are willing to do things His way – which means, allowing Him to do the work in you that you can’t do for yourself.
Much love!
April
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I discovered 2months back that my husband has been having an emotional affair for the last 2.5yrs. We have had cracks in our marriage, after my first born, but I realised there was so much dying to do and I decided to work on the marriage and be more respectful. He has always been abusive emotionally, but I lives with it. He has also gotten physical with me. But i still decided to work on the marriage. We had another child after that. Everything was going smooth. At least that’s what I thought till I caught him in Jan and my life came crumbling. He says he has disconnected and is clean, but I don’t trust him at all. I have been having anxiety and fear and I can’t connect with him. We recently had a fight to which my husband said he wants a divorce. I am ready for it, but i don’t know how to face people and how can i manage my children. Pls help me!
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Unknown,
My precious sister!!!! ๐ฆ What a heartbreaking situation. This grieves me so much. I wish I could just cry with you and give you a huge hug. Those are pretty significant issues you have going on there.
My greatest concerns are:
1. Are you physically safe?
2. Is the emotional abuse continuing? If so, how severe is it?
3. How is your walk with Jesus Christ going?
4. Have you talked with a godly counselor to help you with all of this?
5. What kind of spiritual support do you have?
6. Are there uncontrolled mental health issues, drug/alcohol addictions, a history of abuse for either of you in the past?
A potentially helpful resource for emotionally abusive relationships:
http://www.leslievernick.com
A potentially helpful resource for physically abusive relationships:
http://www.focusministries1.org
(Please compare anything anyone says to God’s Word.)
I want to see you find healing in Christ. Then He can give you the wisdom and strength you need to take each step and each breath. And He can turn this awful mess into something beautiful.
Much love!
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Can I email ya? There r few more details which i can’t disclose in public.
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Unknown,
I long to be able to individually correspond with every woman who wants to email with me. Years ago, when the blog was much smaller, I loved to email everyone. It was one of my favorite parts of ministry online – that one-on-one interaction, relationship, and mentoring. I miss being able to do this so much.
At this season of my life, God has called me primarily to reach out to large groups of women on the blog, FB, and Youtube. I seek to be as available there as I can possibly be. I try to respond to every comment there and seek to point women to Christ and to the hope and healing that is available in Him. If I were to attempt to continue to email everyone, I would be emailing about 10-12 hours per day or more. It is beyond my ability at this point to do that.
I care deeply about every woman who comes to my sites. I want to see Godโs healing for each one. There are some powerful resources available on my blog, my FB pages, and my Youtube channel, “April Cassidy.” On my blog, you can search my home page for key words to help you find posts about specific topics like:
– lordship of Christ
– idolatry/idol/idols (how to make your husband an idol)
– control
– fear
– bitterness
– forgiveness
– stages of this journey
– respect
– biblical submission
– doormat
– peace
– conflict
– confronting our husbands about their sin
– godly femininity
– porn
– lead/leader
– husband emotion
– give husband space
– emotionally distant husband
– divorce
– how to have a relationship with Christ
– how to be filled with the Spirit
– abuse
– violence
– anger
– insecurity
– security
– how to pray for my husband
– prayer
(There is also a list of categories of posts on the right hand column of my blog where you can search for posts by topic.)
If you are having severe issues in your life or marriage, please reach out to a trusted pastor, godly mentoring wife, a Christian counselor, or reach out to the counselors available at Focus on the Family at this link. http://family.custhelp.com/app/home
My book is now available to walk wives through the beginning of this journey step by step: The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord. Here is the link to Amazon – http://www.amazon.com/Peaceful-Wife-Living-Submission-Christ/dp/0825443946/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1451746760&sr=8-1&keywords=the+peaceful+wife
– To strengthen your own walk with Christ, be sure you are spending a solid amount of time in the Bible and in prayer each day. This is the most important thing!
Also, to strengthen your walk with Christ, I would highly recommend a few books:
The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee
Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray (free download at http://www.ccel.org)
Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss
The Necessity of Prayer by E.M. Bounds (free download at http://www.ccel.org)
– If porn is an issue, please check out the resources available at http://www.xxxchurch.org
Some solid pastors whose sermons will nourish and feed your soul:
David Platt http://www.radical.net (Secret Church sermon series are also available on Youtube)
John Piper http://www.desiringgod.org
Francis Chan http://www.crazylove.org
Wayne Grudem http://www.waynegrudem.com
– If you are in an abusive relationship, please check out these resources:
thehotline.org (not a Christian site – but may be helpful if you are in a severely abusive relationship)
http://www.leslievernick.com has resources for emotionally abusive relationships
http://www.focusministries1.org – a Christian resource for wives who are being abused
For a wife who is being abused, I would encourage you to try to get somewhere safe, although when a woman leaves an abusive relationship that can be the most dangerous time for her. So please safely research how you might be able to leave and get the support you will need before you attempt to leave if possible. Involve the police if necessary.
If there is anything I can share with you here – I am able to be available here. But I totally respect that some things need to be private and not shared on a public forum like this. ๐
Much love to you!
April
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April, I have no idea how to contact you except publicly here, so here I go….
(edited for privacy by Peacefulwife)
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Mike,
I want you to have a close relationship with Christ Jesus more than anything! That is what I want for all of us! He is the Greatest Treasure by far. I try to avoid giving advice to men, my brother. But perhaps I can ask you some questions to prayerfully consider in your own private prayer time?
1. God can and will forgive when we truly repent. Have you repented of the sin – turned from it, stopped it, and turned to God?
2. Are you willing to give up this woman if that is what would honor God and please Him?
3. What does the Bible say about remarriage in such a situation?
4. What is God leading you to do?
5. Do you have a godly male mentor to talk with and pray with about this?
6. Is God enough? Are you willing to do things His way and be content with Him alone if necessary?
Praying for God’s wisdom and clarity for you, my brother – and for your relationship with Christ to be the priority. As you are willing to do this, He will show you the way.
Resources:
you may search my blog for –
idol
idolatry
discontentment
contentment
dying to self
spiritual pruning
submission means we hold things of this world loosely
Andrew Murray’s book “Absolute Surrender” – free download at this link
โChrist Jesus said: โI am the Vine, ye are the branches.โ In other words: โI, the living One who have so completely given myself to you, am the Vine. You cannot trust me too much. I am the Almighty Worker, full of a divine life and power.โ You are the branches of the Lord Jesus Christ. If there is in your heart the consciousness that you are not a strong, healthy, fruit-bearing branch, not closely linked with Jesus, not living in Him as you should beโthen listen to Him say: โI am the Vine, I will receive you, I will draw you to myself, I will bless you, I will strengthen you, I will fill you with my Spirit. I, the Vine, have taken you to be my branches, I have given myself utterly to you; children, give yourselves utterly to me. I have surrendered myself as God absolutely to you; I became man and died for you that I might be entirely yours. Come and surrender yourselves entirely to be mine.โ
โ Andrew Murray, Absolute Surrender
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1. Yes. It was hard but I have and she has too. It took a while but both of us have repented and turned to Him. We are following His standards in our relationship and I am as an individual.
2. Yes, God means more to me than life itself and I want only His will. I have prayed about this endlessly without a clear answer. Or else the past sin hardened my heart to to the point where I am not hearing Him regarding this relationship.
3. The bible says she cannot remarry her ex husband. I look to David’s life and yet I’m am uncertain if other scripture says I cannot marry her or not- your input is requested here because this was the only question I said ‘I’m not totally sure of.’
4. God is leading me to put Him first. However I have confusion or double-mindedness when it comes to the relationship I think because of how long I beat myself up and listened to the enemy’s voice regarding shame, guilt, and condemnation about my falling.
5. Yes and no, I have had several very godly mentors but all my friends have left me. The ones who should have stuck by me and helped me. I have a new group of brothers in Christ now who say I am too hard on myself
6. God is enough, and I ONLY want things His way. I would be content and have the greatest peace and joy in Him if I could only have Him in my life
I have beaten myself up for years and listened to the wrong voice and I only want to follow Him and be close to Him. Recently my mother has told me God has forgiven me and I need to forgive myself and move forward and I think that’s true.
I have pushed the woman in my life away over and over trying to restore my relationship with Him and she simply says she wants to marry and wants to end the cycle of on and off and wants to wait until God says it’s okay to move forward- I’m thankful for her love and attitude toward this.
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Mike,
I love your heart for Christ and for wanting that relationship far above anything else. That is awesome!
I am not an expert on remarriage in Scripture. I have a lot of questions, myself. I do know that the Old Testament did not permit a wife who remarried to later return to her first husband. But I am not aware of a reason why a wife who has committed adultery cannot repent and return to her husband if he is willing to receive her. It seems to me that she would probably either return to her husband or remain single based on 1 Corinthians 7. I want to be extremely careful about breaking covenants. My primary goal in ministry is for us to honor our covenant with Christ and our covenant in marriage.
Jesus was pretty firm in His teachings against divorce. There are maybe two exceptions – and there is debate about that. What Jesus had to say in Matthew 19, Mark 10, and Luke 16 about divorce and remarriage is very sobering to me. I know we don’t think of divorce and remarriage as a big deal in our culture, but His words about this subject stop me in my tracks.
Everything I can understand from the Bible about divorce and remarriage I share in this post. Ultimately, each of us must answer to God. No one answers to me. It seems to me that this is something with which to wrestle and pray and to be willing to act in obedience to anything God shows you in His Word.
I pray for God’s clear wisdom and leading for you both, my dear brother.
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Mike,
I have spent a lot of time trying to understand when remarriage is okay vs. when it is sin and what people should do if they remarried but shouldn’t have – but I do not feel like I have a complete grasp on it. To me, there are areas that are not clear. Some things are clear. Divorce is only allowed for possibly two reasons. There is a lot about remarriage for believers in Christ about which I am not certain.
But I don’t believe it is my place – if I am not 100% clear theologically, which I am not 100% clear on this issue – to say whether certain people could marry again in God’s eyes. I don’t want to lead anyone into sin. I don’t want to put words in God’s mouth. I wish there were more written about this in the Bible and I don’t want to make assumptions on something so important.
These are very important questions. But I do not feel qualified to say that I know all of the answers.
It seems to me that a believer whose spouse was unfaithful may be able to remarry – although there is debate about if Jesus was talking about adultery or fornication. Many believe that He was referring to fornication only. That makes things more complicated. It could be possible that a believer whose spouse abandoned them may be able to remarry – although there is debate about that, as well. 1 Corinthians 7 says a believer is “not bound” in the case where an unbelieving spouse leaves. But does that mean they are free to remarry? It doesn’t really say specifically to my knowledge.
There aren’t passages about how to handle remarriage or step-children, etc… for believers in Christ, the only instruction for remarriage is for widows, it seems to me. There aren’t instructions for those who remarried wrongly. Once they realize they were wrong to marry, are they to divorce or what?
I wish I had a more firm grasp on exactly what the right thing to do is in these various situations. But I am just not sure.
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I think your words are good and true- I need to abide in Jesus yet my shame, guilt, and condemnation for so long has really beaten me down. God talks to me about love and life and even marriage yet I feel stuck in multiple ways. I just want life with Him back and to walk closely with Him again. I will reread and pray through the things you said. Thank you and God bless. But please answer your understanding of #3. Mike
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April- Thank You!
Yes, after I prayed on it I realized you have shared more than enough for me to simply abide and seek Him and His peace for the answers I seek.
I started Absolute Surrender again, this time it seems to have more meaning for me. Thank you for pointing me towards it. Please disregard my other post in the divorce section.
I will continue to read your blog and pray for the men and women seeking help and I do feel you are a blessing to them by continually pointing them to Christ and scripture.
Mike
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Mike,
I’m glad to hear you are enjoying Absolute Surrender. Such a powerful book! ๐
That is my desire – to point others to Christ. He is the Greatest Treasure there is!
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I’m a hypersensitive woman and try to process words and analyze them so I don’t respond to the hurt that I feel. I am very insecure with myself and my fiancรฉ knows this. He is the exact opposite and recently told me I was unattractive in a photo he saw. His words were “nothing to look at, no chest and looks like a little boy” I told him it hurt my feelings, make me feel inadequate and ashamed but he got angry and said he was kidding and that im too serious and have serious issues. His response hurts worse than the initial comment. I’ve never expressed my feelings to another man so I how do I continue to make myself vulnerable if I cant express myself without feeling ashamed of my feelings?
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confused,
It is wonderful to meet you! Thank you for reaching out. ๐
Where do you base your security? Is it in what other people say about you, your looks, your figure, your clothes, your relationship with Christ, your man?
Does he tend to joke around like this a lot?
How does he generally treat you?
You were not wrong to say that this comment hurt your feelings. I think most women would have felt hurt by such a comment from their man.
Has he ever given you compliments on your looks?
What is your relationship with Christ Jesus?
Please search my home page for these words to find some posts that may be healing to you:
– insecurity
– security
– trophy wife
– contentment
– respect myself
– godly femininity
Praying for you to find the amazing healing that is available to you in Christ! ๐
Also, you may search my site http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.com for:
– red flags
– ready to be a godly wife
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i’ve been convicted to submit. i’m struggling with it in many ways but i’m committed to try because i see the damage that i’ve caused in my marriage & relationships with others due to my disrespect & martyrdom. i want my husband to respect me. i thank you for creating this resource.
i am currently in the quiet stage. as you said, you withdrew from everyone during this stage. i have as well, and its drawing a lot of questions & concern from friends and family. my husband has assumed that i am in a “funk”, which worries me that i am not doing it right. i know that i am supposed to submit in a sincere way, but right now, i am struggling with a lot of bitterness & find it difficult to be agreeable without an involuntary disapproving look appearing on my face. i really want to do it sincerely & correctly.
[for example, he recently wanted to max my credit card, which has a $5000 credit but is used rarely & only for small purchases. we don’t typically believe in credit cards but keep a few for emergencies. having concrete poured beside our house for him to store his boat & trailer on does not seem like an emergency to me. we have a house for sale & know that we will profit on it’s sale. we intended to do things like that with the profit but i don’t believe that we should be spending that money BEFORE the house sells. he wants to use the credit card & pay it off when the house sells. i disapproved of so much debt (in my name) when you can never guarantee when a house will sell. i made a face – whoops. later, i felt convicted to tell him that if that is what he wants to do that i support him because i know that he has never let our bills slide & would do whatever it took to pay it off even if the house never sells. he ultimately decided to just wait for the house to sell – whew! close one! i’m glad he changed his mind but i ask myself how i would sincerely support him if he decided to do that.]
my “best friend” has told me more than once recently that i seem “really off” to her & she worries that she’s upset me in some way.
my mom thinks i’m not happy & that worries her.
Back story:
i grew up in church since i was 2 yo & accepted Christ as a child. as a teenager & adult, i strayed & thought i could make it on my own. during that time, i had a child, married his father & had another child. we have been married for almost 12 years & i’ve been miserable for much of it. i recently felt convicted to not only submit to my husband, but also to reconnect with God. I am committed, but here’s my problem:
i have always been the type that doesn’t like to announce when i am making changes. i don’t want to announce to family & friends that i’m submitting to my husband & will no longer discuss things that he & his parents do to irritate me, with them. i have to write those things down, pray & work on finding a different way to look at those things. i am doing this in private & i don’t want to explain my actions, but since it is drawing questions & concern,
??my question to you is how to tell others that i’m just being quiet without a discussion about why??
i’m not comfortable telling my family that i am attempting to rebuild my relationship with Christ just yet. i feel that it is my private journey & i don’t want to invite discussion about it. i know that my parents would rejoice to know that something they have prayed about for years may actually come to fruition but i still don’t feel comfortable telling anyone what i am doing. i want it to be just between me & God at least until i am convinced that i am forgiven for my past sin, particularly the one that left me with a diagnosis of PTSD.
sorry to be so long-winded but i wanted you to know that my background is rooted in Christ but that i have strayed & struggle with coming back. i don’t want everyone to know my business right now, even if it makes them happy. i don’t want to draw questions from my bestie who has listened to me complain about my husband & his parents for years, even admitting to her recently that i don’t like my in-laws as people in general. how do i convince her that my sudden change of heart is not the result of being brain-washed or turned into a stepford wife?? i don’t want to tell even my husband about the changes i am making for fear that he will view it as empty words & promises. i have apologized for my actions before but then fell back into bitterness & messed up again & again.
any advice (& prayer) would be appreciated.
thank you again for providing this wonderful resource & for actually responding to those that post comments.
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Jenny,
It is okay to say that you would rather not max out your credit card. But it is also okay to listen to his reasoning and then support his decision. I like how you handled this and I am glad he was receptive to your input. ๐
There are not a lot of friends and family, even Christian ones, who would probably be super supportive if you did talk with them about what is going on. There are some – but they are fairly few, unfortunately. It is fine to say you are just working through some things and you can ask them to pray for you. You don’t have to share anything yet if you don’t think it would be productive.
Do you need to reach out to an experienced, godly counselor to help you with the forgiveness and PTSD issue, my dear sister?
Please search my home page for:
– don’t expect outside support
– why you may want to keep respect secret for awhile
– choosing friends wisely
– counselor
– apologizing stories
If you want to talk some more, please let me know!
Much love!
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thank you for the advice! that is exactly what i needed! my best friend said that she’d love to listen to whatever was going on. she also said that she could cancel her trip to visit at the end of the month – whatever i needed. i told her that i appreciate her willingness to be so flexible for me & that i do want her to visit but that i don’t think i’ll be willing to talk about this particular thing. we’ll just have to find other things to do & talk about other than griping about our husbands together.
i do think i’d like to find a godly counselor for the PTSD. i have been in traditional therapy for years but i don’t think they understand the full weight of the guilt i carry for my sin. i know that they are skilled therapists & they take everything seriously, but it may help to have a godly perspective.
i will definitely be searching for your recommended articles.
again, i appreciate you.
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Jenny,
You are most welcome. I am here if you want to talk some more. ๐
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Hi April. I am truly a fan. God bless you and your ministry. In wanting to have a better life in Christ, I also want to be the best wife I can be. I want to be different and better for my husband. I decided to contact you, because I do want to buy your book, but I have to be realistic in that I’m a working mother with full schedule. I won’t be able to read it. So I come today to ask to see if you would have a CD version of your book. I can hear it on the way to work, while cooking, taking the kids for a walk. Ext. Thank you. God bless.
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Jacqueline,
It is really tough to find time to nourish your spirit when you are working full time and you are a mom. My publisher will decide if and when the book would be available on CD. You are welcome to contact them and ask! Kregel Publications is their name.
๐
Much love to you!
April
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I am a formerly refused wife. We are currently in counseling and frequency is up and we have discovered that my husband was quite selfish and unwilling to meet my emotional and physical needs. Basically the counselors feeling, much more articulately and delicately stated is that he needs to stand up and be a man and lay aside his own desires and love me as Christ loved the church and I need to speak up when things are bad.
Anyway, great, we had a big break through when he accepted responsibly for things getting bad in the last session and things are better with more sex. However, I am really struggling with resentment but more than that soul pain that is coming up. For instance, we will have sex and I will think, we could have been having more sex all this time but we weren’t. Or I wonder if he is liking this or just doing it for me, etc. I asked him about a month ago if he thought sex was a chore like on a to do list and he said yes, he used to view it that way but doesn’t see it like that anymore.
I appeciated the honesty but I woke up crying that night because I couldn’t bear the answer. Last night, I asked him if sexual refusal was a sin and he said, I wouldn’t go that far to say that. When I sort of immaturally linked him to a blog saying that it was he just said yeah, yeah and was very dismissive about the idea that it was a sin. More than anything, I just want to move out of this place of pain, keep having more sex and put this chapter behind me like it never happened but my soul and spirit are so wounded. I’d love any advice sorry this is so long.
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Formerly Refused Wife,
While it is a natural thing to feel the emotions you are feeling, because you feel he defrauded or deprived you, the best thing you can do is seek the Father in Heaven and His Holy Spirit to fill you with forgiveness and compassion. It took me a long time and a lot of pain to realize that marriage is not about getting your needs met, but to meet the needs of the other. This is why when choosing a spouse, and this is especially true for anyone reading this who is seeking a spouse, that it becomes necessary to discuss the topic of their opinion and position regarding sexual frequency. While sex isn’t the only thing, it is part of the commandment to multiply that Adam, Noah and Israel in Genesis was given as well as the advice that Paul gave in 1 Corinthians 7.
It sounds like you want closure, so humbly go to your husband and explain how you are feeling and that you just want him to understand your present emotional need.
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April, April, April.
First, let me say I just adore your heart so much. Landing on your blogsite has been nothing short of a blessing to say the least! I feel like I have found a gold mine with all of the wonderful topics available and confirmations I desperately needed to hear as a growing wife. For the past week I have been feasting on these blogs as well as your YouTube channel. What a blessing you have been to me in this season of life!
When I read your words it is like hearing my own heart. I too was the straight A model student who knew how to solve all problems and obey all rules – so I thought. I’ve also had a loving, stable environment growing up, a successful career as an engineer and really have not had a whole lot of disappointment in life – that is until marriage. I didn’t realize how much pride that success generated in me and how I had no clue of what submission and respect really meant.
What’s funny is I really THOUGHT I was submissive going into marriage. My quiet, non-confrontational, people-pleasing demeanor found the idea of submission at the time to be very convenient. I believed men should lead and still do of course – but what I didn’t understand was the extent to which God called me to obey. The unconditional part, the part about up until the point of sin, the part about even those who are unruly – yeah…I totally missed that. I even had the blessing of marrying a minister, so knowing we were both serious about God I just knew we would be okay. WRONG! This has been by far the hardest challenge I have ever faced in life. For the past 9 years, I have struggled in ways I never imagined I would and have exasperated myself trying to make.this.thing.work only to realize how self-defeating my efforts to yet control another thing have been.
Recently, my husband became so fed up with arguing that he stopped talking to me and completely shut down. He rarely takes my calls during the day, responds to texts and refuses to talk about any issues because he is so done with arguing. He has never taken such a strong position and I am really shocked by it. It feels like he is done with me even though I know this is not true. His lack of communication has been devastating because he is actually the more verbal one between us. I feel scared often and have to constantly keep my thoughts of what is happening positive and in check. Although thankfully, we have not had any major disappointments or betrayal in our 9 years, we have had a whole lot of pain, bitterness and resentment. My prayer is that God would change this by changing me and that I can inspire other women to change. I pray I can also gain peace whether things change or not as it is for His glory I know we exist.
This quiet time has led me to your blog and because of this I am now thankful for what God is allowing in our marriage. I am starting to gain peace by really searching my heart for what is driving my fears and need to control. The idols, oh the idols! I have been encouraged to talk more with God and really dig into the truth as I begin this new journey to learn respect and submission.
I just wanted to say thank you for allowing God to use you as this blog is a much needed refuge for wives who truly desire to please God and live out their biblical roles. I am so grateful God is allowing me to see the wickedness of my own heart to control my husband and that he is providing a solution in a plain and practical format. I have already purchased your book and several others you have mentioned throughout your site. I plan to feast on this truth in this quiet time and cannot wait to comeback with a testimony of His faithfulness!
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Hey April,
Does my husband love me?
We’ve been fighting a lot lately. It’s been a roller coaster since day one. It’s only been 2.5 years and we dated 6 months before marriage. We are young..
Today I told him that he put on a front before marriage and that he said God was #1 and he had all these morals and was such a great guy and all these things I was attracted to.. And since we’ve been married, he does whatever he wants and it seems like a front…
Well he said what’s keeping you here then? Leave me.
I said well.. I already married you, and he said well sometimes people make mistakes.
I was shocked. He said You’ll have to ask God for forgiveness I said I know that’s how I know it’s wrong and I can’t leave you and he said well I’ll take it up with God it’s fine.
Right before this he told me he will never do what I want and I will never control him and that I should just let him be a man and make his own decisions.
He does not “submit to one another in love” and it definitely seems he could care less about me.
Maybe I should just accept that, and let us both move on.
???
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Niki,
I can hear the pain and frustration in your words so strongly, my sister. I am so sorry things have been very difficult!
What are your expectations about him submitting to you?
Are you possibly trying to control him?
What things do you think he should stop doing?
How is your time with God going and your allowing Him to transform you?
Much love!
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I am definitely in pain April. Yes I do want to control only a few things. They are godly things. I would like him to stop drinking so much and being careless about certain things and I would like him to spend more time with God, and love me more. That sounds so stupid
But I want to be loved by him…
In like a way where when I ask things like honey let this be your last drink please, he says ok good idea I know I shouldn’t have any more. But instead he says let me be a man and all that.
I do believe him acting that way would be a result of my behavior over the years but how could I just sit back and allow him to make poor choices. Like who he hangs out with and just how he does certain things.
I have realized just today after my heart was completely broken by my husband I haven’t been spending time with God or in His word. I feel guilty and convicted by it and have been spending time with him this evening and even though I’m so sad I’m feeling filled up and thankful
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Niki,
Is his drinking to the point of alcoholism?
Do you understand why he is so insulted and offended at your attempts to regulate his behavior, actions, and priorities? Even if you are right – do you see why this approach is repelling him?
Do you believe that you are responsible for his choices and that it is your job to make sure he makes the right choices? Do you feel like it is your job to convict him of any sin?
I’m really glad you are turning to God. If you are spiritually starving yourself – you will crash and burn. We all will. We are all totally dependent on the Spirit’ power abiding in us and overflowing through us for us to be godly wives. We have no good in ourselves on our own apart from Him.
Much love to you!
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I do believe he has an alcohol problem but do not believe he is an alcoholic.. If that makes sense..
I don’t really see why this approach is so upsetting to him bc I feel if you love someone you would do what you can to make them happy, like I do for him.
If he tells me he doesn’t like something I research why I do it, how I can change and pray for God to help me do that..
It seems it just pushes him further away tho ?
I do feel like I have a part in guiding him and helping him make the right decisions and showing him certain things j see that he may not..
I am also aware that if you do the same thing you’ll get the same results.. I do know something I am doing is not working, I have read your blog and still do not feel like I fully understand respect.
It seems when i try to respect its not a real relationship I want to be in love and share everything and him love me in my worst, this is how my parents were and still are. My dad is extremely in love with my mom.
Well this is how my husband was at first, he was so in love with me and definitely let me know.
I don’t know what happened.
That’s why I feel like he put on a front just to get me to marry him and then decided he was going to do whatever he wanted in no regards to my feelings..
I don’t know I just feel so far from understanding all this but it also just feels like my husband doesn’t care about me the more I learn how “men operate”
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Niki,
Yes, that makes sense. So maybe he drinks a bit too much at times, but you don’t believe he is controlled by alcohol?
Okay, I’m going to probe a bit here, if that is okay with you – to try to see the scope of the issue on your end. I can’t probe him about his issues because he is not here. But I can gently take a pulse on you spiritually to see where you are. Then we can address the issues that you have control over. ๐
1. Do you view yourself as maybe kind of an authority figure, a mother, or as needing to help the Holy Spirit in your husband’s life?
2. Would you say that you are more spiritually mature than your husband and that you believe he needs your help so that he can grow spiritually?
3. Would you say that you believe that you are responsible for your husband’s decisions or for his emotional and spiritual well-being?
4. Where is the line between “helping” and “controlling” do you believe?
5. What are your greatest fears?
6. What do you believe you need to be content?
7. What do you desire in your relationship with Christ?
8. How much time did you spend with God yesterday and today once you realized you have been neglecting Him? What are you praying for?
Check out the story I shared with Nova on this thread a bit ago.
Much love!
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So he doesnt drink super often, but when we are at a get together or family event or doing something where people drink, like memorial day or boating or whatever, i just automatically know i am going to be dealing with drunk husband. He doesnt in my opinion, just socially drink a few beers and be done with it, it seems when he does drink, its in excess. He does not agree with me. He says he never drinks, never over drinks, just that he drinks in these times and its not big deal bc he doesnt do it often. Well he’s been staying the night at friends houses rather than coming home or calling me for a ride when he’s been drinking i believe because he doesnt want to hear me complain. This upsets me even more.
I want to be married to a grown adult who can have a few drinks and move on in life. I shouldnt have to worry about dealing with a drunk grown man. The whole night does not have to revolve around getting more to drink. I dont think thats too much to ask and i tell him these things and he rolls his eyes and clearly does not want to hear any of it. it’s like the more sense i make and the more what i am saying is 100% right he refuses to believe it, If the tables were turned i would say something like , yes i know this is wrong, i know i need to get better at that. Thanks for keeping me accountable with things that are not good for me.
Why can’t he say something like that???
Anyways, with the questions…
You know the verse your desire will be for your husband? Well i am not positive what i think that means but i do know i feel a deep inner need to want to “rule” over him… or to know i am more in “control” not in a mothering way but in a way he loves me so much he would do anything for me. & he is soooooooooo extremely not that type of man that it bothers me and rubs me the wrong way deep in my soul that literally makes me angry..
however, at the same time i feel a deep need and want to understand respect and submit fully to my husband but it honestly feels really wrong most of the time. B/c he has said things like ‘ you should listen to me, you need to submit to me, you have pride you cant even respect me, you should be respecting me, you are wrong” & all that it pushes me farther from doing it. I feel a man worthy of respect would lead out of love not out of, you SHOULD be doing this. He doesnt understand if he was a good loving husband to me serving me like i do him, then i would always respect him! But he just doesnt get it either..
ok sorry i know this isnt about him, so i dont undersand the difference in helping and controlling, because when i say something to him trying to help him, he says in controlling him. so it confuses me.
I am more spiritually mature than my husband… but he doesnt seem to think so, and we have also fought about this, which seems so spiritually immature on both of our parts..
I know i am not the holy spirit and cant convict the way god can but its also so hard for me to sit back and watch sin happen or sit back when i dont agreewith something and be quiet. I know i am not my husbands authority but it feels that way so i dont know..
My GREATEST fears, seem so small and stupid saying them out loud but…
that my husband would not be the perfect man of God i desire. like..
-over drinking and looking like a fool
-smoking and dipping which i HATE and he does when he drinks/ sometimes even when hes not drinking
-that i am not #1 in my husbands life
(of course i want god to be number 1 to him but me next)
-that he would sin a lot, which i feel he does but i know i do too,
– that he would not care about me anymore, which seems to be happening
-that he wouldnt have to same morals as me
-ultimately, that i would lose him or that he wouldnt care to lose me….
that last one almost brought tears to my eyes.
but april, i do wish i could just love my husband the way he is, i wish so bad i could just see him for all his flaws and who he just is as a man, and look past all the negative and flaws and just love him because i love HIM. i wish i was like this, like i see other wives doing. but i physically feel like i cant.
yesterday i spent a little bit of time with God until my husband got back from the store… we didnt talk after he told me to leave him esrlier that day, but he did buy my favorite dinner and dessert last night and made it and asked how i liked it…
i was pretty shocked by this bc honestly i thought he wouldnt be home last night. i thought after what was said he would go somwhere.. so when he came home to make dinner and what not i was shocked so i quit reading to spend some time with him..
but i felt very emotionally disconnected so i didnt say much just thanked him for the meal and then when we went to bed i didnt say anything or kiss him, but he said goodnight when we got into bed and then i said goodnight. that was it. same thing this morning. we did not kiss….
i thought he would try to kiss me last night and today but he didnt… he seemed distant.
but after hearing him tell me to leave him and it would be fine and seeming no big deal, i cant bring myself to be close to him or kiss him or anything bc i still feel he doesnt want me to and im not going to force him to love me.
today i have some time to myself and i am going to spend it with God..
:,(
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also i checked out the story you sent to Nova…I have noticed 2 things..
There are times i am strong in the lord and can just let him be and do something i dont like and still respect him and not control and his reaction is pretty amazing… & i feel very loved by him, but then he still makes the same decisions,and again the decisions i dont like…
& then i burst. see a lot of the time it is NOT how my husband treats me or anything, he treats me well.. it is things he is DOING that i dont like or agree with so i complain and nag and he just keeps doing them.
what do i do about that? just start accepting that he will just do whatever right or wrong ?
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Niki,
You can influence him. But has God given you authority to make his decisions for him or to take his free will from him? Does God take your free will away from you when you are doing something wrong? Does He give any of us permission or the authority to take over a grown adult’s life and dictate to them what they must do?
Now, if someone is not in his right mind, like he is drunk – and you take the keys from him, that is wise. He is not in his right mind. But I think it could be possible that you are not clear on where your responsiblities end and your husband’s and God’s responsiblities begin.
Of course you don’t want your husband to get drunk. I wouldn’t want anyone to do that either. But when you place yourself as a greater authority in his life than God, as if it is your job to tell him what to do and as if he must submit to you more than he is even submitting to Christ, how do you think he will react?
Tell me something, my sister… Have you ever had a really controlling woman in your life? A mom, a mother-in-law, a sister, a grandmother…? If so, how did you feel when everything you did was wrong in her eyes and she tried to control you? Maybe she thought she was helping, but when she tried to make your decisions for you, did you feel loved and cherished or smothered and resentful? Did you want to cuddle with her and talk on the phone for hours? Did you light up when she entered the room? Or did you want to run away?
I have some assignments for you. ๐
1. Please do spend serious time in God’s Word and in prayer for Him to work on you every day.
2. Please search my home page for
– healthy vs. unhealthy relationships
– control
– disrespect
– ungodly woman
– godly femininity
– why do I have to change first?
– but I’m right!
Read these and let me know what God speaks to your heart. ๐
Much love!
April
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Niki,
Please check out my youtube video on helping vs. controlling:
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Ok i am going to do that april, search for those and also pray…
i do have to ask, i am still very concerned about what my husband said yesterday. I didnt even say i wanted to leave him, i just said he is different now than he was at first and he almost insisted on leaving when i said i wouldnt do that i already married him he said well sometimes people make mistakes.. basically telling me yes i made a mistake marrying him either that or he thinks he made the mistake,
i dont believe he will come to me and tell me he didnt mean it.
On one hand i want to leave him be and give him space.. or just stay away and continue to be emotionally shut off bc i am so confused by those statements and dont want to beg for his love… so i will just stay quiet and not make any moves
or i want to ask him why he said those things and ask if he meant them and if not let him know i am sorry & willing to change too… well not too bc it doesnt seem he’s willing but i just dont know how long i should let this fight go on..
ps- i am always the one to say sorry first.
I just truly dont know what would be the godly thing to do in this situation
also thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me
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Niki,
It can be a tough thing to accept that our husbands have a God-given free will and that they can make good decisions or bad decisions. Just like we can. You can certainly respectfully ask him not to do things like get drunk. You can respectfully ask him not to drink too much. But you aren’t your husband and you don’t get to ultimately dictate the choices he makes.
Your job is to make God-honoring choices for yourself and to allow God to change you. Your job is to influence your husband in a God-honoring, husband-honoring way for God’s glory according to God’s wisdom, and to pray for him. And you can ask God to empower you to respond without sin even if your husband is wrong. But you don’t get to decide his decisions for him. He is right, he is a grown man and he can make his own choices. The more you nag him and lecture him like an angry mother – the more he will rebel against you just to prove that you can’t control him and that he can drink and get drunk if he wants to.
If you try to force a man to do things your way, even if it is the right thing, you will repel him. He has to be free to make his own choices. You don’t have to agree with or like his choices. You can decide what you can live with and what you can’t. You can decide how you are going to respond. But you don’t get to demand that he have the same convictions you have or that he does everything the way you want him to.
Are you familiar with the ideas of codependency or being enmeshed?
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uhm i think i am slightly familiar with those ideas but not sure if they relate to what i am going through…
I did ask him not to get drunk and i kept going on why i wanted that and he stopped me and said can you please just trust me? i said ok. he asked me to tell him i will trust him so i said i will trust him in that.
well when we got to the party he “shotgunned” beers with his friends (so childish and stupid) thats when i lost it and told him he was a drunk mess and he said he wasnt even drunk and isaid he was in denial and i left the party and he didnt come home.
but i know i need to start realizing he makes his own decisions and i cant control him… idk why it feels like love to me when i can ask someone to do something or tell them and they do it? it seems to me sometimes that means they love and care about me and my husband does not do that so i have a hard time believing he loves and cares about me. i just have a lot to learn. i have checked out unlealthy vs healthy relationship and we BOTH have a lot of unhealthy charateristics in our marriage ๐ฆ
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The drinking thing is a bit more tricky than some of the other issues. Because when he does that, he really is not in his right mind and his safety and the safety of others is truly at risk.
It may be helpful to check out Celebrate Recovery’s info on this or to go to a meeting of theirs if you are able to for that particular topic.
Men respond much better when we don’t treat them like they are little kids who can’t make wise choices. That doesn’t mean they will always make wise choices. But the more we harp on them and push them to do what we think is right, the more attractive going against us will seem. They tend to make better choices as they have to feel the weight of the consequences without our interference.
It may be that you decide you don’t want to go to parties with him where there will be alcohol. Hopefully he can stay with a friend or call a cab to come home.
But I believe it is possible that he may feel like your hands are around his neck emotionally and that you may have to release your grip so that he can begin to feel the weight of his own decisions and make his own decisions, even if you don’t like them. You can choose your actions, motives, words, and responses. He chooses his.
What was your parents’ marriage like? And your relationship with them?
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Yes, i understand. he has told me he does feel like my hands are around his neck, its funny you use that wording.
My parents are very in love and my dad does everything for my mom. My husband has said he looks up to my dad for being so patient and being able to do what he does but my dad was in a house full of women where my husband was raised with men only..
did you see my question about what to do for today in regards to what my husband said to me yesterday about leaving him?
i am unsure what the godly thing to do would be… it isa few commentsup
thanks april โค
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Niki,
Well, after you spend some time with God and you read through some posts, and you may also want to check out “apologizing stories” – you may decide that you have some things for which to repent to your husband. I would suggest approaching in him humility and letting him know something like,
“Honey,
I think I have some issues in my own heart that I really need to deal with and work on. I think I have a lot to learn about the difference between helping and controlling and about pride and self-righteousness. I have believed that it was my responsibility to make sure you do what I think is right. But your choices have to be your choices. I am wrong to try to force you to do things the way I think you should do them. I thought I was being loving. I thought I was helping. I’m so sorry for smothering you. I can understand why you would want to leave if you feel controlled all the time. I don’t really understand a lot of this yet. I want to dig into my own issues with God. I know I have some wrong thinking to address and I want to really get to the root of all of it and rebuild my life on God’s truth and His Word. I want to be the wife He wants me to be and that you need me to be. I hope you might be able to forgive me. I want this marriage to work. I want us both to feel welcome, safe, loved, and respected here.”
And then, let him think about things. Listen if he wants to talk. Seek to understand him rather than to get your point across. Don’t pressure him. If he leaves, let him leave -respect his decision.
It sounds like he really wants to stay. But you will need to lay down a lot of expectations and focus on your end of things and your relationship with God and trust God to work in your husband’s life.
When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done.”
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Niki,
There will also probably be a time to address that while you respect your husband and want to do better with that and with learning to honor him – that you are not going to be able to be supportive about him drinking in excess. That you know it is his choice. That you really want to trust him with everything – but that you it is tough to get excited about drinking to the point that it seems that he may be drunk.
That may be a different conversation – and it will certainly require MUCH prayer and the power and wisdom of God’s Spirit. But until you address any sin in your life, he is not going to hear you when you attempt to address the sins in your life. That is why Jesus commands us to address the log in our own eye before we address the speck in our brother’s eye (Matt. 7:1-5).
You can respect your husband and treat him in a godly way without respecting any sin or drunkenness. Does that make sense? But if he is in over his head and is out of control with his drinking – then you may need reinforcements from something like Celebrate Recovery (a Christian based group) or possibly AA if you can’t find a Christian based support group.
Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin
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โIf my sinfulness appears to me to be in any way smaller or less detestable in comparison with the sins of others, I am still not recognizing my sinfulness at all. … How can I possibly serve another person in unfeigned humility if I seriously regard his sinfulness as worse than my own?โ
โ Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community
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this is great. & what you said would be perfect for him. and truly is how i feel… i have been spending all day in books and in gods word and in prayer about this. i still dont feel its the right time to text or call him with these issues. i know hes busy at work. i am slightly concerned b/c our phones are connected to our laptop at home so i can see history and so can he.. he recently searched today for “jesus speaks about adultery”
im wondering why he searched that and truly hoping he has not commited adultery out of hurt or neglect on my part. i am starting to really see the negative effects this is having on him…
i know i can not dwell on that search or what it may mean and i certainly can not assume anything and am currently in no position or relationship status with him to bring it up. i will just pray if its something God needs to reveal to me he will…. i am trying hard not to think too much about it. i will be spending the rest of the day in my bible and prayer. and reading your posts and also church tonight,
im really hoping for answers โค
i am still shocked that at all the things you could be doing you take the time to write and talk and pray for women like me everyday, April.
thank you.
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Niki,
I’m glad you are praying for him and about this and how to approach him. Texting him at work about something this emotional is not a good idea. I’m really glad you are waiting. It is possible that someone asked him a question and he looked that up. Or he could have just been seeking to ask God to help him with his thought life or about marriage and divorce – and God may speak to him through His Word about not leaving. I pray you will trust your husband to God.
Yes, a wife who is bitter, controlling, nagging, dominating, contentious, and disrespectful makes a husband want to go live in a desert by himself or on the corner of a roof. We don’t even realize it – but sometimes we tear down our marriages and husbands with our own hands. That is what I did for so long and thought I was the best Christian wife the whole time. ๐ฆ Ugh! How I wish I could undo all of that damage! But I am thankful God opens our eyes in His grace and helps us to grow and learn and understand and that He is willing and able to change us.
I am honored to get to walk this road with you, Niki. What a blessing that God allows me to do this. ๐
Much love!
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something that has really just spoken to me is
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april,
when my husband came home from work i smiled but did not really talk or go towards him.. after a few min he came up to me hugged me and kissed me,
still no words..
then i asked a favor of him that has been needing to get done that only he can do, and he did it right away.
and i thanked him for what he did.
he then told me he made plans tonight with a friend to help him with something and asked what i had planned to which i just responded going to the gym.
i also told him a quick family issue and he responded about it, then i went about my business, took a walk without telling him what i was doing and when i got back he was on the phone and then when he got off said to me ok im leaving ill be back later and leaned down to give me a kiss and we kissed with our eyes open.
then he said bye and i said bye
normally its a long hug and definately an i love you.
it felt very weird and strange between us and i felt being quiet was best but feel as if i came across kind of rude but i definately didnt mean to.
i wonder what i could have done instead.
but i dont want to be too lovey when yesterday he said he didnt care if i left him. if im too lovey i feel it will make him think i am begging for him “back” or something
it would help for him to maybe say he didnt mean what he said yesterday but then again maybe hes waiting for me to do the same and then again i am ALWAYS the one who says sorry first.
idk i just feel very strange about the whole thing and do not know when i should talk to him. i guess i’ll give him and i another day i suppose to sort through our emotions and thoughts.
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Niki,
My suggestion is to read and follow Matthew 7:1-5. Apologize for anything that you have done that was hurtful to him. Show him grace, understanding, mercy, honor, and love. Not because he deserves it but because Jesus is worthy of you to obey Him in these ways. Ask God to help you know what to say. Pray for unity and for you to hear and obey God’s voice. Then pray about how to deal with the drinking issue in a respectful, humble, gentle, feminine, non-dominating, non-threatening way.
Yes, it would be great for him to apologize – but I think he said what he said because he felt so controlled and disrespected. I think you are both hurting. But if even one of you moves in a God-pleasing direction, Jesus can start to pour healing into you both in His timing. ๐
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Ok, when he gets home i will plan on showing him grace and forgiveness, i will stay in the word as i have been all day. I feel better just being in Gods presence all day. Thank you for guiding me to this place.
It will be very tempting to tell him what he said to me hurt my feelings and to ask him if he really meant it but i think i will try my hardest to just focus on me apologizing for my faults and only focus on what i did, and give him the chance to say sorry if he wants and if he doesnt its ok.
( i guess) i feel this is going to be a painful process! but i am ready.
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Niki,
I’m really glad you are focusing on God and His Word. That is the place we must all be every day. ๐
If he doesn’t apologize in the next few days, perhaps God may prompt you to say something. But I vote to focus right now on what you can do to stop the hemorrhaging and damage being done to the marriage on your end. I think if you do that, the severe spiritual bleeding will stop.
Yes, this will be painful. It is hard to allow God to shine His blazing light of Truth into the darkest motives and thoughts of our souls to expose our own sin. It is much easier to point at other people and tell them to change. But this is what God calls each of us to as His children – to focus on allowing Him total control and to submit entirely to Him to let Him cleanse us of sin and refine and purify us to make us more and more holy.
I’m glad to walk beside you on this road! I’m very excited to hear that you are ready to let God work in your own heart. That is awesome!
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Hi April,
I know you have how to respect ourselves, our husbands and God. But is there a post on ways to show respect for your inlaws?
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following…..
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Hi
I know u probably won’t Beable to answer this but I hope by Gods grace it will find you to answer it.
I got married in the middle of November last year and I used to ask my now husband if we could try and wait to have sex before and after we had our daughter who was born 7 years ago . A lot of people find that hard to believe but it’s true , I know it and don’t really care if people believe it. Anyway point being ever since we got married we went on honeymoon and a gift holiday to Hawaii after that and at this stage we should be making up for lost time not being intimate but 6months later and straight after we were married I can count on one hand how many times we have Sex. This concerns me because he used to say he doesn’t know if he can abstain but he did very well honouring it. I feel he’s trying to pay me back.
When I do ask about our sexual activity he avoids it and mentions all the things I do wrong in that brief moment . All this makes me feel very rejected and a figure of his convienice because he already has two kids from two different women before our marridage. So I feel he has me here for the stability for his kids. When we got back together I said I would only get back with him if he wa still eagr to have another child and he assured me he does and will. But ever since we married it seems he’s avoiding it because he feels he maybe can’t afford another child. Obviously there is a lot more to the but I can’t write about the whole history , I hope you April can read this and respond but if someone has been in a similar situation and overcomed this pls respond and let me know how to overcome this as a Godly wife ?
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Wanting,
I can so feel the pain in your words. ๐ฆ I’m not really sure what is going on in your husband’s heart. Unless he tells you directly, it seems you will speculating.
I have a post that talks about the reasons that may involved in a husband sexually rejecting his wife.
If there are issues with porn going on, you are welcome to search my home page for “porn” and also http://www.xxxchurch.org for resources.
Here is a post about when we feel deprived in our marriages.
My prayer is that y’all can have a real discussion about what is actually going on – in a respectful, humble, gentle, honoring way. It is difficult to address the problem if you don’t know the root of it.
How is your walk with Christ going, my precious sister?
Praying for God’s wisdom for you and for His healing for you both spiritually as well as your marriage.
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To be honest, at first glance it came across that Wanting called the shots, and now she is suffering the consequences. Let me elaborate. From what I can decifer, she refused sex during pregnancy. And for up to 7 years after her child was born. So in all he was refused for about 8 years. Now given they only married November last year, that’s a long time to be with someone you have created a child with previously to be intimate again. Why wait so long to be married? If you are serious enough to create a child together then why not serious enough to get married either before pregnancy (or intimacy) or during/soon after pregnancy? Why wait 7 years? Given he has had other children by other women before he may of sought intimacy elsewhere during those 7 years. But he may not of. But he probably got so used to being refused by her for so long (there’s no mention of him having a say in the decision) that he has just shut off sexually towards her. I could be completely wrong, but the way she started describing it it sounded like the decision was all hers and her now husband didn’t have a say. (By the way, I am all for abstinence till marriage, if I was her then I wouldn’t of waited 7 years to marry the father of my child. Unless there was a very special reason for the wait.)
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None of this stuff seems to be helping. And it seems the more and more I try, the worse he gets. Even though he has left me twice, I am almost to the point that I don’t even want him to come back. I know that sounds horrible. It’s just how I feel. I’m so sick of how he is acting. And the lies. I can’t handle all his lies. There is no confronting his sin. That’s a big no no in this house. He knows he is unkind, and not leading us towards Christ. He has excuses. Does God really expect me to continue to live in complete and total unfairness, emotional strife, belittling (ex: he asked me today if I was dumb), What do I do?
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heartbroken,
If things are really getting awful and you feel like it is getting a lot worse and that there are so many lies and you can’t confront his sin, I would suggest a godly, experienced counselor one-on-one to help you hash through this. I don’t know the details of the situation or how bad things are. I do know that as you focus on your walk with Christ and on your obedience to Him, that He can give you the wisdom you need to know what to do and how to handle things even if your husband is sinning. He can help you see if/when you need to separate or if you need to stay.
How are you doing in your walk with Christ and in walking in God’s power and in obedience to Him on your end of things? That is where your power source is, my precious sister!
There are some other wives in similar situations who are having a discussion on this post if you are interested in talking with them, as well. ๐
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Thank you April. We have had counseling in the past. That hasn’t worked. I am working on myself and my walk with Christ daily. My husband has left again for the second time so we are already apart. Thank you for the referral to talk with others. I will consider it. I’m pretty down though so talking with others seems to take more energy than I want to expend. I have 3 kids at home and a job so I save my energy for that. I do what I can as far as bible study but I am to the point I’m just “hangin out” doing what I can. It doesn’t matter what anyone does, he get’s mad because communication with him is so horrible, so I’m just going to do what pleases God and let the rest work itself out.
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heartbroken,
Are y’all dealing with any mental illness or addictions, my dear sister?
Even if you don’t feel like talking on the FB group, so many other women are also in this situation and they talk with each other – you may feel encouraged by what is shared with them. No pressure! But if you want to join, you are welcome to.
And on the thread on the post Encouragement for Those Who Are in the Trenches – you will find a ton of comments from a number of spouses in this situation, too. Different people from the FB group. But similar situations. You can read about how they have been dealing with the same emotions and struggles you are and how quite a few are finding so much hope and healing and transformation for themselves in Jesus.
Much love to you! You are welcome here. ๐
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Addiction yes, but not on my end. I may look at that post. Things just went from bad to worse when I thought it couldn’t get any worse. …. it’s worse
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Hi April,
I am not sure if you receive my comments because i sent you one but i can’t remember the date. I thank the Lord for using you in our lives.
I will try to make my story short. I’m a full time working mum of 2 boys, earning more than my husband, a born again. We been married for 3 years. I used to be very bossy and controlling in our marriage, used to think that i’m right or righteous than my hubby because i know God and he doesn’t play church or pray. Until the day i came across a book of fascinating womanhood, your blog and God showing me how i messed up my husband. i have apologized to God and my husband and i’m learning everyday to respect him and allow him to take decision about his family. I have stopped forcing him to pray and to go to church with us. I came to understand that we are saved by grace. After makes all this changes, my husband spends more time at home than before, is responsible than before, not rough or aggressive when he speaks to me(the tone of his voice).
While i’m on this journey, i’m struggling with the following:
1. When i communicate with my husband especially with money issue, he will not answer or get back to me on that issue ( it is so bad, there was a time when my husband was not working ( he was absconded) after he got his job back he had so many debt that he could bring money home so i had to manage alone. At that time i made so many loans, it’s now that i’m trying to pay them) My husband agreed that he’ll pay the school fees but he doesn’t , i think it’s 2 years that he doesn’t. We have been handed over to lawyer but still he does nothing about that.
April i don’t know his salary ( the figure), i know the level. I have tried to ask him to do budget with me/ to take over the finances/ for us to seek financial advisor, i even we to extend of telling to take my card and manage everything. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Right now we renting a house, that God directed me to. After a month, the landlord offered to sell the house to us and i knew it is an answer to my prayer. My husband want the house as much as i want it but there’s no action from his side. Right now i’m trying by all means to close off my debt so that we can qualify for the house. I’m only at the begging of this process but i see the light.
I asked him, if we can just sell the car ( i bought before we got married) and his bike then settle our debt so that we can buy a house and a car but he said there’s no way we can leave with a car while waiting for the process.
There’s nothing that frustrates me like this issue of money.
2. We don’t spend time together because during the day, we are at work when we get home i’m busy preparing supper and on this side i’m helping the elder on with homework. At that time he’s busy watching tv. After that all i want to do is sleep, in the morning again preparing kids for school. He’ll only prepare himself and then we off.
On Saturdays, i try to relax but it’s not easy with the kids around. He’ll go out to see his friends. Sunday when we leave to church, he’ll stay home and watch tv until we come back. Sometimes he cooks but most of the time is if I ask him to.
I would really appreciate if he can just help me.
I have come to a point whereby i said God i don’t want to speak to him about this issues because i have done that. This decision is also killing me because i’m always tired and have fear with the school fees and losing this opportunity of this house that we love and my kids are happy in this area.
I have a relationship with Christ but right now it’s not good because i don’t spend enough time on the word and prayer due to my busy schedule. N i miss it very much but i find my self sleeping or if i manage to wake up and pray while they r asleep i can only do it for a week or two then my body can’t take it. N i find myself send or sometimes crying because of this, i want that time back.
I don’t know how to pray about this issues anymore.
Please help
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gentlespiritwoman,
I received this comment! Hope to answer in the next 12 hours or so. ๐
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gentlespiritwoman,
I’m so glad to hear from you! ๐
Would you be able to tell me, does your husband have any issues with mental health – like ADD or bi-polar? What is his background with money? How did his parents handle money?
There is absolutely no way to be a godly wife if you are spiritually starving. Your spiritual nourishment has to be VERY high on your priority list – even if other things have to go. What about asking God to help you see what you can cut out of your schedule so that you can get at least 15-20 minutes of praying for God to change you, praising Him, laying down your fears and dreams to Him, and reading His Word with a desire to allow Him to change you and a desire to obey Him in everything.
What would your husband like to do about spending more time together? What does he say he needs?
It is okay to ask respectfully for help. ๐ Most men will not jump in and take over without being asked, because that would seem disrespectful to them.
Are you willing to also trust God with the house and lay that dream before Him and be content with or without it?
I invite you to search my home page for:
– how to be filled with the Holy Spirit
– contentment
– security
Much love to you!
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Thank you so much April.
1. No, my husband doesn’t suffer from any mental health.
2. His background with money has always been bad, but at that time it didn’t bother me because i was in control and living within my budget until the second child arrived. Before we got married, he used to live a luxurious life, expensive clothes and booze. He has an expensive taste but now he has cut a lot of things just for us and i tell him always how much i appreciate that.
What i’v realised is that he has loans that he’s paying and left with a little to support us. The problem is he’s not open to me about his finances at all.
Now while i’m typing this i realise something that maybe the reason is that, he wants to finish off this loans and doesn’t have a way of providing for us more than he is now.
Again the fact that i was in control of the finances for a long time, bossy or controlling and having a degree in accounting maybe all this issue contribute for him not disclosing his finances to me.
3. His parents separated when he was still at school, his mom got custody. I know his mum spoiled him had a very expensive taste as well. I got the opportunity to now her, she passed on in 2005. She was in control and bought them everything they wanted.
His father married again after the divorce. When we got married i was welcomed by his step mother. I know she complains a lot about how my father in law doesn’t know how to manage his finances. Mother in law (his step mother) knows how to manage money.
There’s a lot i see in my husband that i generational and i pray about those curses.
4. My husband doesn’t communicate a lot, we hardly spend time together because during the week when we get home i am busy until i go to bed or if we seat the kids are with us. When i go bed most of the time he stays behind watching tv by the time he comes i’ll be asleep. In the morning i wake up first then it’s rush rush.
In short he doesn’t say much.
5. I have asked him to help me but he’ll only do it for few days then stop and i feel i’m tired of asking him the same thing over and over. I was thinking of hiring a helper but with our finance there’s no way. Now i considering quiting my job and i’ve said it so many times but he said i must wait for him to get a better salary.
I’m trusting God to open that door for him. He was a security guard, now of his director chose him to work with him and he’s moved to an office but the salary is still the same. He’s working very hard and passionate about what he’s doing now. I know the issue of salary frustrated him a lot and he discusses it with me but i support him a lot and tell him how much i admire the changes he has made in that unit. I know my husband is intelligent.
I know it was God who opened this opportunity so he will finish it off. I’m just waiting on Him.
Thank you so much on how to to speak to God or what to pray about. I know exactly what you mean when you say spiritually i have to be high because that is what has sustained me until now in my marriage. That is why i have this pain if i can’t spend time with God because i know THERE’S NO WAY i can make it without Him.
What you say about the house is a confirmation, yesterday i took leave. I was fasting and i have a wonderful day in the presence of the Lord. I understood that God is the provider not necessarily my husband but He’s the Source of our income. i should trust him with the house and not let fear take over. It was fear that was giving me all this stress.
Thank you so much. I’ll go through the pages.
I cannot stop thanking God for woman like you that Heโs raising for us. Me i know if it wasnโt for God i wanted to divorce in 6 months but hey I love God, His ways are not our. My mum used to ask me why donโt you come back, your room is still here. I used to ask myself but sheโs together with her man after all theyโve been through. laughing but i still love her to bits.
Glory be to God. Indeed his grace is sufficient.
love you.
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gentlespiritwoman,
I pray God will give you wisdom about how to be a warm, welcoming, safe place for your husband to share and how to show him you are on his team. It may be that he doesn’t have much extra left over after paying off his debts. If that is the case, he may be very embarrassed to tell you that.
What are some things he likes to do to bond with you? If he is very introverted, he may not want or need a lot of conversation. But he may appreciate you just cuddling with him in a friendly, happy way for 10-15 minutes. That could be a great place to start. I’d love to see you pray about how you could interact a bit more with him in ways that are meaningful and bonding to him.
A lot of men only help when someone specifically asks them to help. Sometimes they feel they are being disrespectful to jump in and help if they are not asked to help. And sometimes they just don’t really notice the dishes or the things that need cleaning. If you do ask, ask in a pleasant, brief, cheerful way – and thank him, don’t criticize him, for his help. “Hey, Honey, if you get a chance tonight, it would be awesome if you would please do X. Thanks so much!” And ask him what you could do to bless him sometimes, too. ๐
I’m so thankful you had that time with God and you are willing to trust Him with the house thing and not be consumed by fear. That is WONDERFUL! PRAISE GOD!
Much love to you!
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Hi April
Im so thankful to God that he leadeth me to this page.i am still young in this path and it seems im struggling with some of the things other women stuggles with.bt reading the comments made me think of the situation in my marriage.i would say that the problem of surrending to God all my troubles is nt that bad the only thing that i struggle with is being patience while God is still in progress which takes me back to square1.Bt i think since i am able to relate with most women here ill make it a point that i read this blog daily.it is gonna be easy finding motivation from people who have same idea of surrending to God.Thank you so much for giving us a chance to build our marriage the way God wants us to.
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Tainey,
It is a pleasure to meet you! You are most welcome here, my sister. ๐
Yes there is incredible love, support, and blessing here for any who would like to have it.
If you want to talk about something, please let me know.
Praying for God to continue His good work in you and in your marriage for His glory. ๐
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Hey April,
I’m not a wife, but a husband. I watched several of your videos and wonder if you could help me. My wife has been VERY critical of my spirituality since we got married. At times she has been critical, demeaning, negative, argumentative, and sometimes mean. She treats EVERYONE else in the world with love and kindness, but will criticize me and put me down. I did not grow up in a household that prayed daily, nor did my father call to prayer.
She grew up a pastor’s kid. She is used to group prayer. I view prayer as a private practice. She was fine while dating and never said a word, yet once we got married, she will lash out periodically and has even compared me to her family member, and not in a good way. She made an effort to stop the criticism, but really dug in a couple days ago. I gave her some specific examples on times that she was disrespectful, showed a lack of pride, and has expected a change in me that is simply impossible.
I have tried all angles for peace and to stop the judgment, but again, it just reared it’s ugly head. She wanted me in so many words that once our kids are older, we will have nothing else in our relationship. Your blogs make a lot of sense and I don’t want to disrespect her, but I don’t know what to do. Please help!
Disrespected
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Dissed,
Oh, goodness! I feel like you are describing me during the first 14+ years of our marriage.
From my experience myself and with over 43,000 comments on this blog alone – here is my take.
Most wives, even believing wives, have been very powerfully influenced by worldly thinking. We often have no idea how many unbiblical, ungodly ideas we have absorbed from our examples growing up, from the media, from books, from our friends, etc… Many of us do not realize how very differently men think. Many of us don’t realize that there can be more than one way of doing things or of looking at things. I used to think that if someone didn’t think like I did, they were automatically wrong. I had no idea that sometimes people are not wrong – they are just different.
I used to demand that Greg pray with me. He, too, believes prayer is more of a private matter. I have several posts about this, actually.
– I Wish My Husband Would Pray with Me More – Part 1
– I Wish My Husband Would Pray with Me More – Part 2
– Why a Husband Struggles to Pray with His Wife
– The Mechanics of Masculine Prayer
– Why Does My Wife Try to Make Me Pray with Her?
Also
Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?
For many wives, praying together is the ultimate intimacy with their husbands. It is more intimate for many of us than sex with our husbands. She may be saying, in her own non-masculine way, that she wants a deeper connection with you. She may not realize that the way she is approaching you is off-putting and repelling.
Would she be open to reading any books with you?
In Him,
April
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Hi April,
May you please send me the question you sent me the other day. You sent me question to check my spiritual pulse. I cannot find the page a wrote to you on.
God bless you sister
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Comet Ajayi,
Goodness. That is just so heartbreaking all around. So much pain! I praise God that the suicide attempt was unsuccessful! It seems to me that he may have some extremely deep spiritual and emotional scars and wounds from his past childhood and also maybe since then, as well. Has he ever worked through those things with a knowledgeable, loving, wise, godly counselor?
When people feel they are sinned against, they tend to justify their own sin. Of course, God doesnโt give any of us a free pass to sin against Himself or anyone else under any circumstances. But many people think this way โ โShe sinned against me, so now I get to sin against her.โ That is temptation and a lie from the enemy.
It seems to me that there is great spiritual warfare going on โ and many lies of the enemy involved. Any thoughts on that? And is it possible that you may be attempting to do this whole thing in your own strength, and maybe that could be why you are so exhausted?
Your spiritual health is where you will have to start. That is where we all need to start, in my view. Then He will empower you to be able to respond in God-honoring ways and to have the wisdom you need and the power you need for each day.
A few questions so I can get a pulse on where you are spiritually.:)
1. What are your greatest fears?
2. What do you pray for the most? How much time do you spend in Godโs Word and in prayer for yourself daily?
3. What do you believe you need to be content in life and in this marriage?
4. What do you desire in your walk with Christ?
5. How much time do you spend each day just thanking and praising God?
6. How do you respond when you feel unloved and mistreated?
7. Do you believe you could be cherishing anything like bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, or anger in your heart toward your husband or toward God?
8. Are either of you dealing with any medical issues, mental health issues, sleep issues, or addictions?
Much love to you!:)
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Yes, I’m sure she would read a book with me. Do you suggest Love and Respect?
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Dissed,
That is a great place to start, in my view. It is the book God used to dramatically open my eyes. ๐
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Hello. I found ur blog a few days ago. I’m a 26 year old wife and mother of 3. My husband decided to leave home April 11, 2016. Ive been praying for our marriage and trying to build my relationship with God. Right now I’m at that point where God has shown me the mistakes I’ve made in my marriage, as well as in my life, that I never realized I was making. I pray daily that God helps me to fix them.
My dh (dear husband) contacts me off and on, which sometimes gets me confused emotionally. He acts as if he wants us to be together but when I bring up the topic, he always declines. All I say is ‘ok’ or ‘I understand’ which is TOTALLY not like me. But deep down inside I break down. It’s really hard. I pray for God to allow me to let him go if this is not for me but every time I pray that prayer, my husband pops up and plays on my emotions all over again.
It’s really been a challenge getting use to this. with us having a newborn baby, that only I take care of, and coming home alone everyday with nothing to do but think, cry and pray. I just wish I knew exactly where is heart is…
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A Progressing Wife and Mother,
I’m so very sorry for your pain, my precious sister! ๐ฆ And I grieve over your husband’s pain, too.
Do you know why he left or what he needs? Any addictions, major unrepentant sin, uncontrolled mental health issues, or abuse going on with either of you?
My website is about to be updated 6-24-16 – so you may want to wait to respond until after the site looks different tomorrow so that I don’t lose your comment.
Much love to you!
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I believe he left because my emotions were getting the best of me, even though I couldn’t see what I was doing wrong. during the months before our separation he stopped being open and talking to me, spending more time away from home and with his friends. I would always cry and complain because he wasn’t spending time home with me and our kids. Then I started to make up scenarios of what he ‘may be’ doing in my head and make the situation worse.
Now he barely talks to me. When we do talk, he acts as if he still loves me but he’s afraid it may be the same drama if we reconcile. I try to be silent and step back and allow him to have his space but it’s hard seeing him on the internet interacting with other women. All I can do is cry and pray. I just wish we had another chance with our love and marriage
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A Progressing Wife & Mother,
My precious sister! ๐ฆ Is he dating other women?
How are yo doing spiritually?
What approach do you believe God is prompting you to use at this point? Let’s hash through this together.
Are you interested in joining my closed FB prayer group? A number of women are in similar situations and would surround you with love, encouragement, and prayer. ๐
Much love!
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